// April 27th, 2011 // Uncategorized

These past few months have been rather rough for me, I’ve talked about on my youtube channel and I even went into here on this blog. I’ve always had people in my life who have said “call on me if you need me” or things like this, but what I have learned is that for the most part this truly means “don’t call on me for anything”

I’ve talked before about how my parents were my safe harbor and no matter what was going on in my life I always knew I could go to them and it was a place that was safe. Filled with love and no judgments. I’ve have never had that since they’ve passed. Now I have plenty of people in my life and tons of people I can talk to, but for me there is no safe place where I can turn to for unconditional love and support.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is give and give, but when I am in need there is no one there for me. Reaching out to friends who are in my everyday life this past week has been very hard for me to do and now that I’ve done it 6 times with bad results I am left feeling empty and to be very honest let down. However my last call was to someone I love and trust, but I had no idea that what I was able to receive from her this morning when she came by would be the safest I’ve felt in a very long time.

She shared some things with me that help me look at things in my own life that I must take care right now. Things that can no longer wait or be put off. Things that I keep bottled up inside of me because I simply have learned not to trust people and again to be very honest I simply don’t need anyone else looking down on me or acting like I have some how let them down. I certainly dont need anyone else telling me how mad or upset they are with me because I did not share something about myself with them or I did not call them. So what I have learned is to lock things away deep inside of me and use other things to keep my mind off them.

This past month and especially this week I’ve learned just how very alone I am and how people in my everyday life can very easily forget all about me and in many ways this makes it easy to forget about me too. After my friend left this morning I sat down and started to take some notes and after I was finished taking these notes I was so upset with myself for allowing myself to depend on others so much.

After doing some laundry and cleaning my place I took Dodger out for a walk to clear my head and to think about what I need to do for me so I can heal and move forward. As I walked past a local shop the owner asked me to come in and speak with him. I was so glad I did this because no sooner then I walked in he says to me “there is something very heavy on your mind and it is troubling your spirit.” He went on to tell me that I needed to return to my faith.

Before I left he gave me a huge bush of sage. Once I returned home I used this sage to clean and clear my space. I sat on the floor and began to pray to God for his help, his divine leadership. As I began to do this I felt this heaviness that seemed to be around me fall away. I began to pray to God and tell him my secrets, my hurts, my fears. I began to tell him what I am so angry about, I began to cry and purge myself of all that is weighing me down. Once I was done some of the answers I needed were clear to me and I know in time the others will come.

I must at all times keep my FAITH in GOD front and center. I can not allow anyone or anything get in the way of my FAITH. It is my FAITH is that always there and my GOD who will never fail me nor let me down. My safe place needs to be with GOD….a place of LOVE and no judgments.


3 Responses to “GOD IS KEEPING ME”

  1. Jo-Ann says:

    Great kengi I’m Glad for you.. self-introspection is very important . Looking inward at one’s life, with the intention to improve those parts that are lacking or that needs to be uprooted is important. Kengi keep moving forward, keep growing and learning, I know that you know this already but be open and clear and keep centered… God Bless you.

  2. Tamico says:

    I can honestly say that no you really cannot rely on anyone because when people are on the up and up they look down on you and turn face, but when its their turn it like getting hit with a ton of bricks and now they’re your best friends. Im the same way. Funny, my immediate family lives next door semi-detached homes right and its like Beverly Hills on one side and Good Times on the next. I work two jobs trying to maintain a roof over my kids head even went hungry while next door eats out of a body size deep freezer stuffed with food, if i ask for a soda you would think I ask for their bank acct info. So I just pray everyday and stay humble knowing that I can lose it all at the hand of another and just pray. Your right, have faith in God and he will be your one and only friend in the end.

  3. backatwon says:

    Yes, God is keeping you and has always done that ….in my life it is the only constant I have had ……not in the fire and brimstone way but in a spiritual means that allows me to be alone but never lonely….in a world filled with ” war ” but at peace in all the fire storms I have endured.I hope you find serenity in your intro-spective journey …..stay blessed brother ! Check the account ; I hope it helps !

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