Project Kengikat

Unconditionally

// October 17th, 2009 // Uncategorized

Besides my organization there a two other things that have become very important my life and they too play key roles in my organization as well. Art and photography have long been two of my favorite things. I fell in love with art and ceramics as a kid at summer camp one year and then again when I was a student at Santa Monica  High. Photography has always been something I’ve loved and have always done in one way of another. However through the 29 months of homelessness and over a year being HIV positive I once again came to fall in love with art, ceramics and photography.

For those of you who have read my blog then you know just how very important my love for photography has played a very important in my life and organization and to this day it is still a key component in my organization. Through Being Alive both art (painting) and ceramics came back into my life and helped me through some of the most dark and difficult points during homelessness and now after homeless they are once again helping me to deal with the many hardships of poverty and being sick.

I’ve been back in the ceramics studio for about four weeks now and all I can say is that I am really enjoying and loving what I am creating. While the pieces I created before were awesome and filled with some much of my energy and feelings, they were also filled with lots of pain, heart break and anger. I guess one would call this my “dark” side of art. Even the paintings I made will filled with feelings of anger and hurt. I recall once when someone in the studio said “wow Kengi that is such a very dark piece there” He was right.

Even though many of the things I created were “dark” still they were a real look into me and what I was feeling. Many of the art has been lost in the move of the studio and then when a so called friend simply three the rest of the art and my painting away by leaving them behind when she left a place she use to live, after she said she would keep them for me. However there are some pieces that remained and I am working on finishing them.

About three weeks ago I had the chance to get back on the wheel to try to throw a bowl or something. Right away I was nervous because on Monday when I go to the studio the two guys who are there are very good at creating on the wheel, in fact they are damn good. However they are also two very cool guys that are very supportive and helpful.

I received my lesson and lots of tips from Brian who is the lead facilitator of the group and Troy the other facilitator was right there to help me if I needed it as well. It took me some getting use to but after a few tries I was doing ok and by the time I was done I had created three little bowls that looked pretty good for someone who had only thrown once before with the help of Troy a very long time ago. I did throw while I was in high school and I was pretty good at it, but I really liked to make sculptures more then I did being on the wheel. Even though the following week I did throw another cool piece on the wheel I still have this love and passion for sculpting so I know when I go next time I will more then likely be doing a sculpture.

There a few things that I love about being back in the studio doing ceramics again, one is that the two guys I am there with on Mondays are very cool and laid back, not a lot of the high maintenance, catty crap from before, two, the conversations we have are awesome and in many ways going to ceramics is my HIV support group, but in a much more relaxed and real setting with guys who are full of life and not the victims to HIV like many of the guys who are HIV positive seem to be at HIV support groups. We are not bombarded with drug companies and their push for drugs, nor do we have to hear all the horrific stories of how HIV has destroyed a life that is still present but has become this prisoner. I guess what I am saying is that the experience is real and not forced out in some setting that is created tobe supportive, it isn’t clinical and it doesn’t feel like something I have to work at. I so look forward to my days at ceramics and the cool times I get to share with the guys there.

Photography is very much the same things for me, however most of the time I am alone when I do it and even when I am with someone I am still very much alone with I take out my camera and begin to shoot pictures. Through homelessness my camera was very much my only friend that was always there for me, it never treated me bad or made me feel like I was stupid and worthless. It became a real extension of me, what I was going through as well as what I was seeing and feeling. My Canon Powershot also doubled as my video recorder and the function also helped to tell my story, create my organization and shape the incredible mission I have set out to do.

Currently I have over 14,000 pictures of Flickr, there would be plenty more but I didn’t discover Flickr until after my third laptop and 4th digital camera. My Canon Powershot is always with me, even when I dont plan on taking pictures. I’ve noticed that people around me don’t like this at all and many have asked me not to bring my camera if I join them and just as you may have guessed I don’t join them all that often. I have learned there many things I am not supposed to take pictures of, well at least I am discouraged from taking pictures of and that tall buildings and the police. The police really get nervous and out of control when you point a camera at them. I have even had officers try to take my camera from me and delete pictures I’ve taken

My Life Through My Lens is what I call my pictures, they are a clear look into my life either through homelessness, sickness, great pain and sorrow, my community work, my smiles and laughs, my tears, my love for jazz music and my passion for food, but most of all my pictures show my clear love for my life and humanity. Many people have said “you should get your pictures in a gallery” or “you should put them in a book” I don’t think my pictures are all that hot. In fact I am the very first person to ask “What are you looking at? That picture is crap!”

Well last week once again someone pushed me to look into getting my pictures into a book, at least some of them, however thistime they didn’t just say it, they actually gave me the tool to help me make it happen. For the first time I now have a tool that will help me put my photography into a book that I get to design and create from start to finish, have it professionally put into a book and possibly sold to people who might think differently then me about my photography. The only thing is selecting from over 14,000 pictures…..and growing. The book will be called My Life Through My Lens and it will take some time as I will need to make and take time to learn the software and also come up with a clear plan for the book, an overall theme that will allow the book to flow and paint one amazing look into my life with very few words.

Once again my love for the arts and photography are taking good care of me…..mind body and soul. They are helping to shape and mold me, comfort and calm me, give me peace, clear my space and open my mind and soul to the awesome wonder of this life God still sees fit to allow me to have. They are encouraging me in ways no human can do, clearing the way and looking out for me in ways no one has in a very long time. Once again the things I love are doing the very things I need so much, they are loving me back, accepting me for who I am, as I am….unconditionally