Project Kengikat

Grace

// October 24th, 2009 // Uncategorized

This week has been pretty relaxing for me. I’ve been getting lots of rest and also working hard on making sure I am fully ready for this weekends Do Something Saturday outreach to Shriner’s Hospital for Children. This is the 4th time my outreach will be going to Shriner’s and I am so looking forward to it.

Like all the outreaches I plan I put a lot of hard work and time into it. I ask plenty of people to help me with the effort and each time I get plenty of people say they will help. Tons comments on my blog and FACEBOOK pages, but when it comes time to show up, people always flake out. What I have learned in over two years of running my organization is that lots of people like to talk and far less like to show up and do the work and then there are those who show up or help out once and then feel they can just use that one time they helped as the fall back when they give their word  and then go back on it. I always laugh when I hear “after all I have done for you.” LOL.

Tomorrow I will be joined by my friends Niambi and Sandra and we will be taking at least 20 stuffed animals to the children there at Shriner’s Hospital for Children and once again I am sure it will be an awesome outreach. This will also lead my into the month of November where I have outreaches that will provide awesome Thanksgiving meals to low income families, homeless people as well as people living with HIV and AIDS.

So today I took some much needed down time. As many of you know I love to take pictures and about a week ago someone gave me a link to software that will help me get the ball rolling in laying out the design and concept for a photography book that will showcase my photography. However this past week I ran into some problems with the idea when I learned that the over 14 thousand pictures I have on flickr are all low resolution which may cause some problems with printing. How funny is that?

After cleaning my apartment and speaking to my friend Christina I decided to make myself a pizza, salad and some iced tea. I then thought it would be cool to go out for a bike ride and maybe take some pictures, this time in a higher resolution. The cool part of my day was the fact that I was able to help some low income families that live in other buildings through the organization that made it possible for me to have my own housing. I was able to give 3 bags of gently used clothes to low income families.

After eating my pizza and then taking a quick power nap I walked to get some water, then loaded my backpack and was on my way to spend the evening taking pictures. Before I left home the sun was setting and I knew it would be awesome, but jumping on my bike to catch the last part of the magic hour was not going to happen because the bike is in bad need of a tune up and the front and back breaks  also need to be adjusted. I didnt want to run the risk of having some driver open their door on me and then not be able to stop as quick as I need to. So it was the train and bus for me.

I went to LACMA and took pictures of the old street lights that use to be on many of the streets here in Los Angeles County. I remember when this was first installed. I was still homeless at the time and I spent at least three hours simply taking pictures of them to help pass the time. Many of those pictures were lost when I lost my laptop in a fist fight later that month.

Like bike riding and ceramics taking pictures is really a huge way for me to relax and unwind. It is way for me to escape for just a little while from all the stress and bullshit that life throws at me. While taking pictures that is all I am thinking about, all I care about, all that is happening at that moment. When I look at all my pictures it is always so funny to me how each one has such a awesome memory for me. They can be both happy and very sad, but no matter what each picture I have taken is par tof me and maybe this is what I call my photography “My Life Through My Lens” in fact that will be the name of the photography book if I can get the pictures to print.

Once I finished taking pictures I walked West on Wilshire towards Fairfax and then headed up to Sunset. I held my camera in my hand, but unlike nights when walking and taking pictures was all I could do to help pass the time and stay warm, tonight I really didnt take many pictures. I even walked by many homeless people getting their small areas ready for the night. As I walked by then I recalled how that was me not long ago. The only difference was I never kept things like blankets or a sleeping bags and I never laid down until well after 3:00AM. I also made sure when I did lay down it was in a dark area and no one would see me.

For some reason I didnt want to take pictures of them. Maybe because I have taken so many and seen so many, I’ve blogged andvlogged about it and not much has changed other the the fact that I am no longer homeless. I still see many of the same people I saw when I was on the streets and I see how hard they are trying to change things, but I also know just how much the deck is stacked against them and all the help that people love to think and believe is there for homeless people truly isn’t. I know this because I lived it for 29 months. When I see homeless people it hurts that I cant do anything to get people to really care, not even the people who claim to be doing so much help for homeless people.

When I got up to Sunset I felt tears falling down my face, because as I made the right hand turn I saw a woman with two kids walking in front of me and right away I knew they were homeless. The slowed down to let me pass and as I did I looked into the eyes of the lady and I saw the shame and fear that was masked with a smile and a “good evening” I smiled back said “good evening” and walked ahead of them and as I did I began to cry because no one should have to live like that. No mother should have to try to find places for her kids to sleep in this country. No man should have to fight for his life and belongings down on Skid Row after a mission refuses to honor their own bed ticket, no child should be forced to turn tricks in order to get hings to eat or find places to stay.

As I walked up the stairs to my apartment there was both sadness and joy in my heart. Sadness because I know people are suffering in this country and most of this country pretends not to see it because it isnt happening to them, sadness because some people feel that homeless people are simple scum and worthless. Sadness because some people feel their illness should get more attention and funding then others and they only feel this way because something is affecting them. But if it didnt affect them I have to wonder if they would feel the same. Sadness because I know people, even those who claim to be in my corner look down on me and what I do and in their sick little mind think I am too stupid to know this. Sadness because some people feel just because they help one or two with an outreach that gives them the right to volunteer for other outreaches and then flake out and I had better not call them on it “because they have done so much” Sadness because people are more willing to talk about CHANGE instead of really working HARD toward making it happen. I felt joy because I now know what it means to say “weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning” I feel jou because even in the midst of the storm there is a blessing, joy because had it not been for the grace, mercy and favor of God I would still be homeless, sicker then I am now and to be very honest I might even be dead. I feel joy because no matter what I am going through, no matter how hard the road gets, no matter how high the mountain is, no matter what the medical report says, no matter how far I think I  have sank, no matter what anyone has to say, the final say always comes from God and with him I can do all things and not just climb the mountain, but blow it out of the way entirely.

When I walked into my apartment and saw the bags with the Teddy Bears for children at Shriner’s Children Hospital I smiled and said “thank you for allowing someone as broke down as me to truly be of service to those who are in need.”

As I think about the Thanksgiving season and what it now means to me now and what I have been through, what I am going through I am so thankful because I could be dead, When I think of where I could be I am thankful and with this thankfulness I will work as hard as I can, for as long as there is life in this body to reach out to help people.