Project Kengikat

My Safe Harbor

// November 2nd, 2009 // Uncategorized

People have told me not to take things to heart and how I should ignore comments made about me and the work I do. That’s rather hard to do when who I am and what I do is all about my heart, so how can I not take personal attacks to heart or personal.

My blog use to be the one place where I could get things off me, the one place where I could let things out. For the longest time my blog was very much my therapy and now today with som many people looking at what I do, how I do it, what I say and how I say it, my blog is no longer the place where I can get things off me.  I guess you can say that my blog, website and youtube channel have all become about my work and really have small parts of me in them. This isn’t to say that my heart is not still fully in all that I do. I am only saying that the places where I could turn to for support for me, are really no longer there.

I am not allowed to have bad days and I am certainly not allowed to say things that would cause people not to want to support what I am doing or call my efforts into question. I guess I know what it means to have a public face and a private face. However I was never raised to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I was raised to be who I am at all times and if people had problems with it then that is what it was…there problems.

It is very hard for me to separate ME and my HEART from what I do. Unlike others, my work is who I am, it is a huge part of me and always will be. Many of the people I serve are my friends who I love and care for deeply. When they cry I cant help but cry, when they are hurting I am hurting too. This is even true with people I encounter along my path. It they happen to touch me then I feel a connection, but many times this connection is broken because it is only real on my part and just some game or something to do to pass the time for someone else.

I sometimes look at what society views as people who are good and productive and ask myself why or how could this be, but I keep pressing forward working as hard as I can, doing all that I can to help those who are in need. Taking on all the attacks on me, my character and my work and doing my best not to break down in public, doing my best not to allow it to affect me and what I am doing.

So where do I turn to? Where do I go?  Now that  my blog is no longer the place where I can get things off me or where I can say things, feel things, the one place where Louis can be sad, happy, hurt, angry, upset is now a place where people look to see what I am going to do wrong or say wrong?

Well it is still right here and it will always be right here and I will not allow what others think and how they feel change that for me. This is my safe harbor, my home, my peace place and I will not allow it to be invaded by anyone other then me.