Project Kengikat

CLOSURE!!!

// November 7th, 2009 // Uncategorized

I was told I was infected with HIV on April 3, 2008 and I never once felt like my life was over, death never crossed my mind, but since I was already homeless and battling so much I knew death was a possibility, not because HIV cant be treated and managed, but because I was both poor and homeless. I already knew the deck was stacked against me and now be HIV positive I knew this even more.

There are some things you had better not be when your homeless and one is being proud. That is a huge no, no. You’re homeless and you have nothing to be proud be of, you’re a huge fuck up so why are you sitting up like you are proud? This is one of my many problems and I know it was one of the many things that kept me homeless much longer then I really should have been. The other thing was that I knew things were not supposed to be the way they are and no one should be forced to beg and grovel for things that are provided for them. Furthermore the people who are supposed to help you should not act like you need to be broken and without simply because you are homeless.

Imagine with it is like being homeless and HIV positive and trying to be proud. Not only are you a huge fuck up for being homeless, now you are a nasty HIV infected, homeless fuck up. It took both homelessness and being HIV positive to almost break me. I know it might be hard for people to think that I can be broken, but I was, I got tired and I gave up for one second and in this second I tried to kill myself. I was done, tired of fighting, tired of being told to just hold on, when there was nothing to hold on to. I started to believe what was being drilled into my head. I was starting to believe that I was worthless and that my thinking was all screwed up, I was going to hell and God hated me. Thankfully God showed me otherwise and I am still here.

I got HIV from someone who lied about being HIV positive and then lied when his condom broke. The hardest thing for me throughout all of this is that fact that I have to sit up and here guys moan and groan about being positive when they were fucking with no condom. Something I have never done. Not only was I lied to, the fuckin condom broke, now I have to sit up in support groups and here guys talk about having sex with no condom and how fucked their life is now and how they stuill have sex with no condom. WFT? Did you not feel the fucking brick wall fall on your silly ass?

I was in the hospital for 11 days because I had a very bad staff infection. So bad I had to be quarantined. I started reaching out for help as soon as I found out. I didn’t waste any time asking myself why, being angry at God or even angry at the guy who I was infected by. I had beat his fucking ass the night before and that was that. I was done. I had to reach out to a “community” where I have never felt welcome, never felt a part of and this was going to be hard for me. I left several messages  for the Gay and Lesbian Center and all of them were never returned. I even emailed them with the same result. The person I spoke with at AIDS Project Los Angeles was rude and dismissive once she learned I was homeless.

I was told HIV would be a blessing and I would get housing and no longer be homeless. I wouldn’t have to worry about medical either. All of this was a huge lie. Once I was unable to get Medi-Cal, the HIV clinic at Harbor UCLA Medical Center told me not to return until I could pay for my visits. The place they sent me to once I was discharged from the hospital was worse then a snake pit. It was an old abandoned building taken over by the Salvation Army that was suppose to be a medical facility where I could rest and allow the staph infection to completely heal. This never happened one because I was on the wrong anti~biotic and there was no medical staff there to help me change the dressing or keep the areas clean. I was there for about two days until they placed me in a cubical with someone completely covered in Staph Infections and could not control going to the bathroom on himself. Barley able to walk I left. I knew I could do better on the streets.

After a few days on the streets I had to call and go to the one place I never wanted to go again. See the person I was still very upset with. I had to call the person who gave me HIV and beg him to allow me to stay there until I was able to fend for myself on the street. How fucked was that. I had to beg the person who lied to me about being positive and then lied about the condom breaking if I could come stay with him.

Those were the worst four months and there were days when I wanted to kill him. Days when I wanted to just beat the shit out of him, then they were days when I really felt we could at least be friends. I mean after all we were friends and I just dont know how to to stop being friends with someone. I know people are able to do this at the drop of a hat, but I am not one of those people. I cant say that I was in love with him, however I did care for him a great deal. Being in love with someone takes time for me, but I did love him, if you understand the difference.

My last day there I packed the things I could fit into my backpack, my Staph Infection had gotten a lot better and I knew it was time to leave. It rained the day I left, so the tears on my face no one could see. I only agreed to be “case managed” by AIDS Project Los Angeles because I thought this would help move things along, but all I was asked to do I have already done and most of the time I was telling my case manager what I needed to do next and asking her to get me on waiting lists for housing. However she was someone who always checked on me, someone who seemed to care about me and when I had reached the end of my rope she was there for me and I will always be so grateful for this. My AIDS educator was also someone who has been there for me, someone I could talk to and trust, but AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES was a huge waste of time.

It took a while before I could talk to him again and not want to knock him out, not want to kill him or think about ways I could kill him. It took a while before I even called to check on him. Like I said I just cant stop being friends with people I am truly a friend to. Plus I really worried about him. He seem to go crazy once his Grandmother died and he always cried a lot whenever we talked and told me how sorry he was for not being honest with me.

I remember once we met for lunch and soon after meeting him he asked how I was, and if I had a place yet. I told him I was surviving and no I didn’t have a place yet. He asked how my Mother was and if I had told her about all I was going through and I told him it was too late for that. There was this long silence and when I looked up from woofing down the food in front of me he was in tears and then it got louder and he said how sorry he was for doing this to me. He told me how I was he only friend since he could remember, how no one calls to check on him, not even his own sister. The waitress came over a few times to check on us. Not long after the police can in and right over to our table and asked him if he was ok. Ask him if I was doing something to him. I guess I couldn’t blame them because I looked like hell. I was dirty, I smelled and my face and hands were dirty. I looked and smelled homeless and the Staph Infection was back and it was bad. He told them he was fine and we soon left after this.

He was in no shape to drive himself home so I asked if he wanted me to drive him home. He said yes and while I drove I asked myself why I was doing this. I wanted to be mad at him, wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t, just not who I am……not to say that I cant hate people because there are some people I cant stand in fact I would spit in their face, but for some reason I was driving him home.

Once back at his place I walked in to what was this huge mess. He hadn’t taken the trash in I dont know how long. The place was a huge mess. Dishes were piled everywhere and the piano room where his music was look like a tornado came through it. His room was even worse. I just put my backpack down and made sure he was ok. I changed his bed and made him take a long hot bath. While he did that I did my best to clean up his place. It took me over 8 hours to clean it all up and when he woke up I was sleeping in the recliner chair. He woke me up and asked if I was hungry because he had ordered  a pizza. I was back sleeping when the pizza came and while we started to talk about my pictures. He had been looking at the photos I posted to my blog. While we talked about the pictures he again started to cry and said how very sorry he was.

“How could you do this to me? You know I was already going through so much. You of all people knew what I was dealing with, how I was barely able to keep my head above water. It was like you wanted to see me drown. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

I asked him to stop crying and just tell me the truth. Give me an explanation. Help me understand. We talked for hours and what can from it was me telling him I forgive him and that I wasn’t mad at him, but I also told him it would take a long time before I trusted him again, before we would be good friends again.

It was late and hell I had no place to go but back to the streets, so I asked if I could stay the night and wash my clothes as well as take a shower. He said yes. I ended up sleeping for three days. I had been up for so long, getting very little sleep and I have blisters on my feet that would bleed. However the . staph infection was gone, but I was still very weak and very tired, so the three days of sleeping was so awesome. He asked me to stay, but I said no, it was time to go. I went back to the streets.

I kept in touch as best I could, I even went with him to his HIV doctor a few times. The last time I spoke with him about three weeks ago…….

This has been a month of lessons for me, a month filled with making sure people are aware that simply because I work hard as hell to stand in the gap for people in need, this does not give anyone the green light to try to disrespect me, some people see the soft spoken gay guy and think they can say and do what the hell they please and simply because I do what I do I am not supposed to be offended or call them on it. Well let me just tell you that you got the wrong person.

Twice I’ve had to put people in their place after making way out of bounds gay and HIV comments about me. Even as I did this as best I could and as nice as I could it only got worse and the comments got worse, so I had to be the complete asshole and let them know in no uncertain term that I was not going to allow them to allow this in my life. I basically told them to KICK ROCKS and trip on some education while they do so. I dont need people in my life who are ignorant about HIV. Frankly I dont see how someone can be so damn ignorant about HIV, but then when I “consider the source” as my Pops use to say, I know that HIV isnt the only thing they are ignorant about. CLOSURE!!!!

I had to tell a person who always answers with “let me pray on it” not to call me ever again. I so sick of them calling me and draining me, but when I call them all I ever get is “let me pray on it”. Pray on this….CLOSURE!!!

….he told me he had started dating again. I asked if the guy new he was positive and he said “No, I really dont know how to tell him.” In that moment I knew I could not allow him to be part of my life I asked him to please man up and tell this guy he was dating the truth. I then asked him not to call me ever again. I wished him well and asked him once again to be honest with the person he was seeing and told him to take care of himself and I hung up. CLOSURE.

This week I finally finished Basketball Jones, the last book by E. Lynn Harris, a writer who has played such a huge part in my life. A writer who showed me that there is nothing wrong with who I am, there is nothing wrong with being gay and certainly nothing awful about being BLACK and GAY. The book ended with CLOSURE for the main character in such an awesome way. CLOSURE with three things, the LOVE of his life and the two who forced him to end it in the most disgusting way, but in the end it all worked out because he was walking into his victory.

Tonight I went to see the movie Precious and wow I was so moved in so many ways. I cant recall the last time I went to a movie and cried, I cant recall the last time I had characters in a movie speak to my core. There was one point in the movie when the main character was in class and told them she had HIV and was crying and she says “you dont know what I’ve been through…….” and I just lost what had already built up in me because so many people read this blog and watch my youtube channel and think they know what I have been through, act like they can some how understand, but they never will. The 29 months of hurt and shame I feel, things I still keep locked deep inside me. I cried again when she walked out with her child because I knew she was saying what I’ve had to say many times…..KICK ROCKS, cause I got this and I will be just fine without YOU.

I believe I will make it through the night and I know God loves me as I am for who I am, because he created me. I know the hopes and dreams that I have for a world free from the gates of community can and will exist, I just have to believe and work very hard to make it happen. I know that one day the dream of Dr. King will not be spoiled by people who pervert the dream by saying “we dont see color” when the dream was very much aboutseeing color and respecting it.

I am laying my head down tonight very comfortable with who I am….in fact I am so in love with me and who I am and I know God and Christ as just as much in love with me. I am going to sleep comfortable with the CLOSURES that have taken place this week because they make room for my JOY.