Project Kengikat

Moving Forward

// November 23rd, 2009 // Uncategorized

So it has been on my mind for a few weeks now and today things just came to a head and I had to do something positive for me otherwise I would have just snapped.

My friend Jacque started this 90 days of Loving Me campaign on her youtube page and it took off pretty fast, wasn’t long before she created a channel for it. I must admit that at first I wasnt going to do it because like most I said to myself “I already love myself” little did I know that it is way more then just saying or thinking it, but showing it daily….to yourself.

I am not sure when I started, I guess I could look back at my very own youtube channel and see when the journey began for me, but from where I sit now it really doesn’t matter to me what day I started, because I now know that it is something that I will put into practice for the rest of my life.

The journey is about you, loving you first. It’s about getting in touch with you and loving what you discover, being brave enough to uncover things about you that you really need to in order for you to learn and grow. It’s about being alone with yourself and loving it. It’’s about taking time out for youself and no feeling sorry for it. Saying NO and not feeling bad about it and allowing yourself to fall in love with YOU like no one else can ever do. It’s about learning to live the best life you can. Well at least this is what it has been for me.

I recall Jacque saying that there would be tears and I must admit that I have cried a few times along this journey, but not like I cried tonight. I am sure if you watch my youtube channel or read my blog you will see plenty of videos where I am crying or have cried. If you read my blog you will read about how I have cried. Many times in the past the tears have come from hurt and lost. From battling a system that is so badly broken that it cant be repaired. It needs to be done away with if it will ever help people like it was designed to.

However the tears tonight were not from hurt or loss, but from me knowing that I need to move on forward, or as my case manager use to tell me “keep it pushin” You see for the past three weeks I have really felt the need to not be a member of so many social networking groups. They take up far too much of my time and I am really tired of the negative comments and emails I get. I am tired of always having to read or hear so much evil from people who are supposed to be so love and light.

However the biggest reason I was putting it off hoping it would get better is because I really admire love and respect many people on such networks, in fact I have many friends, well at least I think I do, but I guess time will tell on this one. How do you tell someone that you no longer want to be part of a network they created? Furthermore how do you tell you friends this? Well tonight I had to do just that and I know I will not be hearing from many people who were once on my “friends” list

When I made the announcements on FACEBOOK and Twitter that I was leaving only a few people noticed and the comments that came with them were pretty selfish. I had this woman send me a huge email about how she felt like I was her brother and how if I left she would not know how to handle things and she begged me not to leave. Another person told me that my organization would fall apart if I left and that I was thinking about myself. Well she was partially right….I am thinking about me.

One thing I have learned in almost 41 years of life is that if someone is truly your friend they will always be your friend no matter how far away they are or how long you don’t get to talk or see each other. Like my ex, we were together for 15 years and we go long periods where we don’t talk, but when we do it is like we just spoke to or saw each other 5 minutes ago. My friend Christina and I are the same way. Some people I know I am going to be friends with forever no matter what.

However this is never the case with people I meet on social networks, they are only friends as long as you are part of the same network and once you leave then the friendship is over. Almost like the old saying out of sight out of mind. However this has not been the case with one person from a social network and that is someone who is now very much like a sister to me and she and I have shared so much together and I know she loves me unconditionally as I do her. I know she will be one those who will always be my friend no matter what. There some others like this  and I am so hoping that our friendships will last and get stronger.

As for right now I need to move forward and take care of me and do what I feel is best for me and not worry about how others will view or handle it. That is not my problem and not for me to worry or stress  out over. I left things on good terms and that is that.

Many people really have no clue how very important my work is to me, they have no concept of what I do or how many hours, how hard or how much hard work and tears go into what I do and to be honest I dont expect them too. I dont do what I do for fame or fortune. I have no plans to run some large business, run for office, become famous and have millions of friends. All I want to do is “be of service” to those who are in need as best I can

So tonight……or should I say this morning (1:42AM)…..right now, yeah right now…I am moving forward and I am hoping that people I call friends will move forward with me even as I leave many social networks behind, but if not then it just wasn’t meant to be. I am blessed for the experience.

I guess I had better to so sleep because I have a very long week ahead of me and my day start bright and early. Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you soon.

All love