Project Kengikat

The Best Is Yet To Come

// December 7th, 2009 // Uncategorized

In about two weeks I will celebrate my 41st birthday and as I reflect on the past year I must say that I am so pleased and at peace where God has my life. It’s hard to believe that this year is already over and I am about to turn 41 years old. Seems like it was just yesterday that I was waking up and so happy that I had made it to 40 years.

If you’ve been reading my blog then you know how I was so happy to be celebrating the first part of my birthday at the Getty Center. It was the first time I had even been to the new Getty Center, I say new because I grew up in Santa Monica and our Getty was the one in Malibu which is now the Getty Villa. I had a great day and then that night I had dinner with friends Tina, Krystal and Patrick and then met with more friends for a night of extreme bowling. The night was awesome and the chance to spend an awesome night with my friend was so priceless to me.

The next day was Do Something Saturday and I took what was left of my birthday cake and passed out Do Something Kits, Sandwiches and gently used clothes to homeless people at the Santa Monica Pier. In all my 40th birthday celebration was such a awesome good time and I have nothing but a productive year since.

My 41st birthday will represent many firsts for me this year. It will be my first birthday in three years that I have been in my own place. I was in the hospital in December 2006 and February 2007 I was homeless which ended 29 months later on June 29th 2009. This will be the first time in 3 years that I will be in my own place at Christmas and it will be the first time I have ever purchased a Christmas tree for myself. I was either at my parents, at my friends, working or traveling for Christmas, so there was never a need for me to have a tree at home.

On December 19th I will spend the day getting myself a tree and maybe even a wreath for my front door and the rest of my afternoon I will decorate it and spend the day being thankful for all that God continues to bless me with. That evening will be just like the year before, I will spend the evening having dinner with my close friends and then extreme bowling. However this year will be another first for me because my niece and her husband will be joining me. I cant begin to tell you how awesome it has been to have them back in my life and now to be able to share my 41st birthday with them.

Tonight (December 6, 2009) I was invited to a cardiovascular health and nutrition dinner and party given by my HIV clinic and it was so nice to be there and not even have one care about HIV or HIV meds. It was just nice to sit and visit with people, make new friends and share smiles and laughs with people from my clinic who have been so very helpful to me. I even won a brand new microwave.

When I turned 40 I woke and began to cry, not because I was sad but because I was so happy with all the good that was in my life even though I was still dealing with homelessness and the fact that I was still so very much lost with my HIV medical care and where I really stood. I cant tell you how many times I would just sit and think to myself that in order for me to get any place with HIV care I would have to have an AIDS diagnosis. Even after speaking with the Office of AIDS and even with people including Kelly Cleveland from the ADAP office I have not been able to get any answers or any further along with ADAP or any other programs. After nearly 2 years of trying to get answers from ADAP or the Office of AIDS I have just given up on the idea of being fully prepared for when and if I do start HIV meds, because preventing people from getting any sicker from HIV and in my opinion preventing HIV in the first place is not something ADAP, the Office of AIDS or our government is really interested in doing. There is just no money in prevention.

However I did finally find a clinic and an awesome doctor backed with an awesome support team and now HIV is something that I am no longer concerned with, because I know if the time ever comes for me to start meds I will be in good hands and I will have the full support of professionals who care about me and my well being. For the first time since being told I was HIV positive I finally feel like someone other then me cares and is concerned about my health and well being. For the first time I know I am in good hands and whatever HIV brings my way I have a doctor and an awesome support team that will get me through it. I dont have any doubt about that. I cant tell you how good it feels to know that the nightmare I was having with HIV be having my care managed by people who truly did not give a rats ass about the people they are supposed to care for and live up to the oath of “first do no harm” In many cases I feel this oath should be changed to “first make money and treat people like crap”

I cant even begin to imagine what my life would have been like or even if I would still be here if I were sicker when I was first diagnosed and was required to start meds. I say this not because I didnt feel I would be able to keep up or even deal with being on HIV meds, I’ve been dealing with Sickle Cell my entire life and all the stigma and lousy care that goes along with that, so HIV meds will not pose a major problem for me, I say this because of all the road blocks to care that have been in front of me by a system that is badly flawed and designed to fail the very people it is supposed to help. I was dealing with so much stress from just trying to get in to see a doctor, trying to get clear answers. Here I was not on HIV meds and I was so stressed out.  To be very honest I think if I were required to start meds on April 3, 2008 I know I may be dead by now. That is how bad the care was until I found Dr. Moe and North East Valley Health Corporation.

There is a song that says “you dont know like I know what the Lord has done for me.” As a kid and I really didnt understand what this meant, but as I got older and made it through some rough times with Sickle Cell I quickly began to understand and now after dealing with 29 months of homelessness and the hell I have had to endure with being HIV positive and poor and the lack of care and care options available I truly know what this means. I also know that had it not been for the hands of God all over me, his grace and favor for my life, this battle would have been lost a long time ago.

With each waking day I face new challenges and I know as long as I keep my head up, keep God first and hold on to my faith, things will get better not worse. As long as I just do my best each and every day and give it my best effort I will be just fine, because my success will always come from God and not man. When I look back it was man (Erving Munroe) who refused my housing after I spoke up for myself and others, but look what God had for me. Something much better and much safer and out of harms way. It was Project New Hope that refused to allow me to move into another room after one fo the residents in the room I was located in wanted to pick fights with me. Rather then correct this by granting my request to move into another room, it was ignored and later denied, leaving me no other choice but to leave because I am not about to allow someone to just hit me, however I knew if I hit in self defense this could cause me to be taken off any housing lists. Again, look what God had for me. Something much better and now I am walking into my victory and all that man tried to block, God saw to it that I was able to get so much more.

Even though we go through things, even though it seems like the storm in our life will never come to an end, even though those was only seek to cause us hurt and harm seem to always have the upper hand, I want to encourage you to hold on and not let go of your FAITH. No matter who tells you that FAITH in God is wrong or silly, you tell them to kick rocks and hold on. God will show up and he is always right on time.

So as 41 years of life draws near I am smiling because my life is still golden and it always has been, even in the midst of the storm and even as I battle HIV, my life is still golden and what God has for me is MINE and no one has the power to block it, or take it away. I know there will be tears of both sadness and joy, God has never said to me that this life would be easy, but with each storm in my life I emerge stronger and much better and I am so blessed for this.

Tonight I am sitting here with my niece and her family and we are laughing and smiling and she has told me how she is so happy for me and proud of me and I am smiling because I have great people in my life who truly love and respect me for who I am and they are in my life for the right reasons.

I said my organization would get stronger and that it would grow and it has. I said I would have an awesome year and I have. I said I would remove things in my life that had no purpose and I have. I said I would get to a point with my HIV care where I would not have to worry or stress out and that I would find a doctor and care facility that cared about me as a person and also treat me with respect and this has happened.

This life is always going to do what it does, the trick for us is to keep it moving, hold on to our truth and life our best life. SO hold on my brothers dont you dare give up!! Be strong my sisters and keep your heads up, because there is a master plan in store for you if you just make it through. God’s going to really blow your mind, he’s going to make it worth your time, for all of the trials you’ve been going through, just know the blessings double for you and always remember that no matter what anyone says, no matter how far you think you have gone, God is right there in the middle and he has not forgotten you. The Best is yet to come