Project Kengikat

Rough Week

// January 10th, 2010 // Uncategorized

It’s Saturday and I am chilling at my nieces house, this will be the first time I have had the opportunity to look after my great nieces and nephew while their parents go to a wedding. I’ve planned a day filled with fun and laughs and I am so looking forward to it.

This week has been rather quiet for me. Most of it has been spent at home with no big plans, although I did do outreaches to Skid Row and Los Angeles early on in the week. It is always nice to be able to day my outreaches no matter where they are, but the outreaches this week really touched home for me because I know what it is like to be on the street and want to change my clothes and take a shower. I also know what it is like not to have a warm place to sleep or even a blanket to cover me should I find a place to lay down. Being able to provide warm blankets, food and clothes has really been so cool for me.

People always ask me why I do what I do or why do I make the time to do it, this week someone even said I should spend more time looking after me especially since I have my own place now and I am no longer homeless, but that is just something I am unable to do. I cant just simply pretend that people are not in need, I cant simply pretend that just because I am no longer on the streets that things have some how gotten so much better for others who are still on the streets. No matter what I read or what I hear from people who are supposed to be helping homeless people, I know better, I know how things really are, because I was once there myself and I will never forget it, nor will I ever simply walk away from trying to help people get through it.

This week I had the chance to talk to some people who are living on the streets and many of themwere homeless when I was on the streets and I know they are trying very hard to change things for the better, but when the deck stacked so high against you, things can get pretty grim pretty fast. Listening to some of the stories this week was really emotional for me and many time I found myself fighting back tears and even feeling some what guilty for having a place to go. I know this might sound silly to some, but for those who have walked and lived through homelessness they know exactly what I mean.

People on the streets become people you care about, they become friends, you worry about them when you don’t see them, you cry when they are hurting and in some cases you feel a huge since of loss when they die. Death was something I experienced many times in the 29 months I was one the streets. A few times it was people who simply gave up and lost hope in life and in themselves, people who had hit their head against the wall just one too many times and there was nothing left here on this earth for them. It’s sad when a person gets to this point, but again, I too know what that feels like it and believe me, it is never an easy choice for someone who wants to still live the life they have to come to the conclusion that life is no longer worth the effort. What is even more sad is that many times it is the system who help determine this sad state of affairs for someone.

There were a few things that took place this week that were very hard to deal with, but I was able to get past them because of my faith in God and my incredible will to move forward and not allow anyone to cause me to be taken off track or even cause me to believe that my life is no longer worth the effort. I will no longer allow anyone to have the power over me ever again. I will no longer allow people or the system to play with my mind like that anymore, because I am stronger, smarter and better then anything life or the system can throw at me.

I was speaking with a man who was explaining to me just how hard it has been for him to dig himself out of the 5 year hole of homelessness. How each time he feeling like things are going in the right direction someone from some agency causes him to takes many steps backward. I thought to myself that I know that feeling all to well. He talked to me about looking for work, but who would hire him when he has no place to live, no way of keeping clothes clean and no reliable transportation. He said even if he got into a shelter, they wont allow him to leave his things when he leaves for work and there would be no guarantee he would even have a bed when he can the next night. Again, I thought to myself, I know this feeling too.

“Sometimes I feel like the entire world is moving on and my life is on pause. I am standing still and everything around me is moving forward and no one even sees or gives a damn that I am right here stuck with my feel in sinking sand”

When I got home and opened my mail box I had a letter from DPSS (welfare) telling me that my benefits were being terminated because I did not turn in my QR7 form. I simply closed my mail box and said “Fuck” I did turn in the form and there was no way for me to call and tell them this because the workers ours had passed for the day. I had my doctors appointment the next day and I knew I would not be able to call them either, so the I would have to try to call on Wednesday. However Tuesday when I got home from the doctor I had yet another letter from DPSS that said my benefits were being terminated because I dated the QR7 form wrong. This time they had mailed me back my form that I knew I had already turned in, the very same one the said they never received. Now I put the wrong date on the form.

I called and learned that my worker had been changed and they had no idea who my worker was. I asked for a supervisor and the lady (for lack of a better word) told me I would have to call back in an hour. I asked her if she could tell me who my new worker was and she rudely replied “You have to call back. I can’t help you.” I asked her if I can come in and find out who the new worker was and she told me “No, you need an appointment to come in” at this point there was no point in going any further with her because she was clearly in a bad mood.

I called back and was able to speak with a supervisor and he too was rude and dismissive. He told me to simply mail the new form and they would do their best to make sure there was no interruption in my benefits. I knew this would mean I would not get my benefits on the 2nd and once again I would be late paying rent and bills for the third time. This really had me in a funk, because I had done what I was required to do, but because of their office mistakes I would pay the price.

The supervisor told me to mail in a new form, but they only sent the old form I had already filled out, there was no other form. Rather then try to get him back on the phone I simply went to the office and ask how I could fix this situation. The lady I spoke with was very kind and she was not even sure why they had sent my form back. I showed her both letter and she simply shook her head saying “They always fuck with the ones who are doing what they are supposed to do while the others who miss appointments and lie on applications go unpunished. This type of shit makes me so mad”

She handed me a new form and told me where to take the form. I turned it in and even got a receipt as well as the initials for the clerk who took it. I went back the lady who helped me and asked if she could tell me who my new worker was. In a few minutes she was able to give me the information I requested and told me that there should be no interruption in my benefits, but I know this wont be the case because this will now be the third time that DPSS has made mistakes and I have corrected them, but then they take their sweet time making the corrections and then my benefits don’t go through when they are supposed to.

After the long day of dealing with DPSS I come home to another screw up, this time it was my DWP bill. It was supposed to be on the low income plan and now for the 5th time they have lost the paperwork I have turned in. Each time they say they have not received it, but each time I have walked it in with my payment to the DWP office right down the street from where I live. I cant see how I am then  responsible for things that I have turned in when it is them who have lost the paperwork. After speaking with the DPW I was told I would have to pay for the bill and I was no eligible for an extension because the service is new. The service is now some 7 months old, so I am not sure how this is considered new service, furthermore I have never asked for help with my bills before.

As if that wasn’t enough I got a call from someone I had interviewed with and they told me that they cant hire me because I am HIV positive. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I heard her say this. I had no idea what to say, it was like I was just hit in the stomach and all the air was knocked out of me. I simply hung up the phone and went to sit on my bed.

I was looking at the smaller window when the tears began to fall down my face. I was looking at the Hollywood sign and I tried to wipe them away but they kept falling and in this moment I just gave in and let it out. I don’t know how long I cried for, but all I knew was that I had done everything I was supposed to do and things went wrong and this wasn’t the first time this had happened and once again I would just have to find a way to fix it and move on, I was also thinking about the call I got from the place I had interviewed with telling me that I could not have the job because I am HIV positive. I rolled over on to my side on the bed and I cried myself  to sleep. There was simply nothing else for me to to do. I never even bothered to open the gas bill, because I knew it would just make me even more upset.

I woke a few hours later and when I opened my eyes I just sat there for a few minutes, the bills and the papers from DPSS were next to me. I threw them on the floor and said “FUCK YOU BITCHES” I rolled over and got off my bed in the direction. I walked over to my computer and turned on my Pandora music player, I quickly found my “calming waters” station and I sat on the love seat, looking out the larger window. As I sat there I saw a few homeless people walking by, the third homelessness person that passed was a lady. She had a heavy jacket, a few bags and large backpack. Her face was dirty and as she crossed the streets I thought to myself where she was going. Did she have someone who cared about her, was anyone missing or worried about her.

I closed my eyes for a few minutes and tried so very hard not to start crying again, but it didn’t work. I started thinking about the bills and DPSS and how I would be late paying bills and this time how my electricity might even go off.  I soon go up, took a shower, got dressed and headed to the gym. I tried to take my mind off my worries by working out and for the most part it did the trick.

When I got back to my apartment I was watching the news where someone had walked in some place and began shooting people, there have been several stories like this in the news the last few weeks, as I sat there listening to the new story I couldn’t help but think what lead up to this? How many times was this person pushed into a corner? How many times did he have to deal with mistakes made by someone else? How long did it take for him to get to that point? How may rude people did he have to deal with? Was this his was of saying he had taken all he could take?

I also started to think of the people I knew who had killed themselves after being pushed to their breaking point and how their stories will never see the 15 minutes of fame in the news media, not that anyone is looking for fame when they take their own life or the lives of others. I don’t know, but it would seem to me that someone would start to ask the questions that will give us the answers as to what takes place when people kill themselves or walk into a place and start killing people when their life is put to the fire.

Those were the low points of my week, but there were also some high points as well. I had the chance to hang out with my niece, laugh with some friends, talk with my cousin in Atlanta, go to an art opening with Andy and Tina, and tonight I was able to see my friends Eric and Willow as well as Sandra, Katie-Jay and Gabriel in Westwood at the Federal Building for a Darfur rally.

I am sitting at the dining room table at my nieces house and like I said when I first started typing this blog, I am so looking forward to spending the day with my great nieces and nephew. Already I have been laughing and having a great time with them. As I sit here and type this blog I am so grateful and thankful to God for my life, even in times when I feel like things are not going the way I want them to, I know he will always work them out for my good in the end.

God will always show up for me, all I have to do is trust and believe.