Project Kengikat

My Escape

// February 12th, 2010 // Uncategorized

It’s Thursday and I am once again happy to see that this week is coming to an end. For the most part it was pleasant, peaceful and centered for me. However this only came with a ton of prayer and meditation on my part.

Since Friday I have been bombarded with people who want me to help them through situations in their life. 10 people all at once and was is in addition to the outreaches I do for people who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS, not to mention anything I might be dealing with in my own life. It would have been different if it were not all at once, but it was all 10 people all at once non-stop since Friday.

Wednesday night I was nearly in what could have been a very bad car accident when my brakes went out when I was exiting the 101 freeway. While me and Dodger walked away unhurt, but I was very shaken by the entire thing. I was nearly hit by one of those huge extended buses, not to mention that I also could have been hit by other traffic as well or even worse I could hit hit and killed someone who may have been walking.

By the time I got home I had the worst headache and after speaking to Donald I took a long nap. After I woke up I went to the gym to try to calm down and get my mind off what had happened, I also wanted to not be around my phone, my apartment or my computer so I would not have to deal with anyone or hear any problems other then the ones I was dealing with in my own life.

It’s been nice having a car, it has given me freedom to come and go as I please and it has also given me so much freedom to grow my organization and build my outreaches. Having a car has allowed me to drive to my medical appointments and get there on time and not have to deal with all the crap that is involved with the MTA. I can shop for my own groceries in the rain, I can pick up donations and even take them to far out locations like South Los Angeles that would be almost impossible on public transportation. Most of all having a car meant I was able to move past being dependent on other agencies for help with my transportation needs, but the car is far too much for me to repair and to be very honest if I had the money I would not put it into repairing that car.

Once back from the gym and sitting on the sofa with Dodger my headache only got worse and trying to sleep was not an option, before I knew it time has passed and it was way after 4:30AM and my Sickle Cell was starting to bother me. I was in lots of pain and it was only getting worse. By 8:30AM I decided I go to a local E.R. I was there until after 12:30PM. After sitting the waiting room and not ever being seen by a doctor I simply walked out. I was still in some pain, but I knew I would simply have to deal with it, just like I do more the 95% of the time when it comes to my Sickle Cell.

After a short train ride home I walked back to my apartment and sat on my bed, I got up and took a long cold shower and decided to take Dodger out for a walk. While walking someone called, but to be honest I dont even know what was said because my mind was some place else and at that point I only cared about me and nothing and no one else. After the call ended I turned off my phone and took my ear piece out my ear and before I knew it, Dodger and I had walked to Griffith Park.

I needed to escape, I needed to get things off me, my blog use to be the place where I could do this, but  even here on my own blog I am no longer able to express myself without someone reading something into what I type and then I have to defend it. I guess what Ma use to say is ringing true “people are always going to have someone to say that will pull you down…..dont give them that pleasure”

I took my camera with me and this was the first picture safari I had gone in very long time. After walking with Dodger a few minutes my headache began to fade and my thoughts were only about having a great day walking with Dodger. I didn’t care about anyone and all the drama that was going on in their life and I certainly didn’t want to hear about it either. The walk towards Griffith Park was packed with people, cars and a ton of noise, but as soon as we walked into the park all of this began to fade and was replaced with the sounds of birds and Dodger barking at squirrels and other wild life he saw.

I remember when I was homeless and I so needed to just escape I would find places to hike and just sit all alone for hours. Sometimes I would cry and there were times I would just sleep. Those time came when things got to be too much for me and I needed to get away from what I was going through. There was once when I stayed way up in the canyon for three days in one spot just sitting, crying and sleeping.

It wasn’t long on our walk in the park before I found a quiet area and Dodger and I sat and I put my head in my hands and I just let the tears flow. My body was tired and my soul was heavy and I needed to let go and get things off me, so I sat and I cried for a long time and when I was done crying I felt awesome. Everything that was on me I got off me. Nana use to say “I need a word or two with you” when she wanted to talk to God and she would go to the barn alone and she would sit in this area toward the back of the barn. She had an old rocking chair there and she would stay in there for hours. When she came back she always seemed calm and focused, so when I saw grandma, Ma, and even Pops go off to their private places and sit in complete silence or in full on tears, I learned the importance of this, so today was all that and more for me. I needed to hear from God and I could not let anyone stand in the way of this, not even my own willingness to try to do all I can to “show up” for those who need me. Today, however, I needed to “show up” for myself.

The park was awesome and with Dodger it was so easy to lost and explore. The cool thing was that I was with my buddy, my camera and me and there wasn’t anything on my mind other then me, Dodger and taking pictures. It wasn’t long before my headache was completely gone and my Sickle Cell pain was back where I could manage it. It is so amazing what taking a step back and getting in tune with yourself can do.

It wasn’t long before Dodger and I could see the large domes that house the awesome telescopes at the observatory and as we walked up the hill it came to me that I had to be back at home to turn in my service logs. I started laughing out loud and just as I did so two guys walked up and asked me what was so funny “Life just interrupted my ME day” I said and they laughed with me saying “don’t you hate that shit?” We laughed and I turned around and headed back toward Western.

While walking back out the park I continued snapping pictures and enjoying my day. I also made sure I took time to think about not letting things get me to the point to where I needed to take a trip to the E.R. and I also decided that I am going to cut some weeds out my garden….meaning some things and people I will no longer have time for because they are like weeds in my garden and the will choke the life out me and I am not going to allow this to happen. I also made a commitment to myself to learn to say NO to more people and say it louder and be down right rude if I have to be. I am also not going to allow people to punish me for what I blog here. This is my blog and if you don’t like what I type here then don’t fuckin read it.

On the way out the park, Dodger took a liking to a dog and me and other dog owner had not other choice but to allowthem to play with each other. This was the first time I saw Dodger really play with another dog and he wasn’t shy or afraid in any way. He was jumping and playing just like two kids tht decide to be friends on the playground and it was so good to see this. When we finally walked off Dodger was so happy and he was jumping on my legs. It was so cool to see that spirit in him. So I guess in a way the walk was awesome for each of us in very different was. For me is it was clearing my head and getting rid of weight and for him it was just being able to be the great dog he is and play with another great dog.

As we were leaving the park, the reality of life hit me right in the face when I saw two homeless men on the grass. One sleeping and another eating what appeared to be a sack lunch and in that moment all the thoughts and concerns I had about not having a car anymore were gone because there are plenty of people I can help within walking distance of where I live.

As I walked home with Dodger I thought to myself how I started my organization. I was homeless with nothing, not even a quarter in my pocket, but I decided that against all odds I could and would make a difference and there would be no plan B, turning back or quitting. No matter how bad things got for me….and they got pretty damn bad, I was not going to quit. I would not give up on me and I would not give up on doing all I could to help those in need as much as I could. I would not let anything or anyone stand in my way or tell me no or “you can’t do this”

So the fact that I no longer have a car will not stop me and will not prevent me from continuing to move forward with the work I am doing. I didn’t have a car when I started this and I will not let not having a car slow me do or cause me to change my course.

Once home I turned my phone back on, returned 3 phone calls, played with Dodger, turned in my service logs, treated myself to Chinese food for dinner and then went to the gym. My escape day was awesome and Dodger and I will be doing this more often and not just when things get to be too much. Taking them more often means I will not allow things to get to the place where I feel I need a break from people, but I will also no longer allow people to dump their drama in my lap especially when they wont even take the time to read my blog, watch you youtube videos or even call and ask me how I am doing and take the time to listen to how I am doing.

What a difference a walk, tuning out people and turning off my phone can make.