Project Kengikat

Art Therapy and My Friend Bart

// September 13th, 2009 // Uncategorized

Thursday night my friend Bart invited to “Art Therapy” at Being Alive and at first I wasn’t going to but I thought to myself that I needed to get out and do something for me, plus I would have the chance to hang out with someone I really admire and respect, besides the fact that he is a cool guy and a friend, so I went and I am so glad I did.

Since meeting Bart he has been someone I’ve always known I could trust and someone I could turn to, someone I always know I can trust. He is just a really cool all round guy who I am honored and blessed to have in my life. You know when you meet someone who is just real? Well Bart is that someone. He is real in ever since of the word.

Many of you may know Bart from my Conversations with Kengi video interview that I did with him, but others who read my blog know him from me blogging about him and Being Alive. When I was homeless on the streets Being Alive was one place where I knew I could be safe off the streets and a place where I could feel safe. I was also able to get back in touch with artist in my. I was able to paint and create some pretty cool ceramic pieces while I was there. However the painting and ceramics have all been lost after a so called friend said she would keep them safe for me, but then moved and didnt even bother to call me or take the things with her to her new place. But Being Alive and the awesome memories will always live in my heart and my friendship with Bart just get stronger and stronger as time goes on.

Last July I had the chance to go to San Francisco for a wedding and I also had the chance to escape the streets of LA and homelessness for just a weekend and while I was there I had the chance to go to an HIV support group and it was unlike any HIV support group I had ever been to before. It was in the home of this really cool guy and the guys were awesome, down to earth and real. They even took the time to support each other outside the meeting, from helping each other with bill to making sure they all had food to eat and that rent was paid. I left this group thinking to myself that this was what support really was all about. Not only were these HIV positive and a few had AIDS, but the support went far beyond just being positive or having AIDS and came to rest on truly caring for people, not just because of the virus, but because of the connection you can only get when you truly take the time to connect and get to know someone for who they are, where they are with no conditions. It was awesome and I have experienced a support group like this since that weekend and I will also never forget it. It’s cool that from time to time I still get emails and phone calls from the guys checking on me to see how I am doing and if things have gotten better for me.

“Art Therapy” turned out to be a HIV support group and I am very happy Bart didn’t tell me it was a support group, because to be honest I would not have went, no matter how much I love and respect Bart, I simply would not have gone because of all the support groups I have gone to I always walk away thinking to myself “I dont ever want to be as fucked up as those guys are” and to be very honest when I was on the streets I got no support from the support group. It was nothing more then a place off the streets at night and I could be off my feet and allow them to rest for at least two hours. But support was no something I felt from the groups I have been to.

This group was not like the one I had experienced in San Francisco, but is was far different from the ones I had been to. The guys were friendly and the way the group was ran really encouraged you to get to know each other. While doing the art the guy next to me was funny and made me laugh, he even helped me when I got stuck with my box. The guys at the table were cool and seemed real and had been through some real life things that I could relate to. So for the first time since San Francisco I had the chance to be in the room with guys who were real to me and it wasn’t long before I asked Bart why he never invited me to come to this group. The funny thing is that he had invited me, but I was so turned off by what I had experienced that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying.

I think we things like support groups are sponsored by certain groups or organizations they tend to take  on and become with that sponsoring organization wants them to be and only provides what that organization allows. This makes it hard for someone like me to find support from such groups because I was never considered when in the concept to begin with. Let me be clear, I am in no way saying that I need to be spoken to, but what I am saying is that I was homeless and on the streets when I found out I was HIV positive. The last thing on my mind was planning trips, getting married, camp outs or road trips, my mind was on who I had to fight that night, how was I going to get to where I needed to go, did I have enough money to get back on the train, should I ask someone for a ride to where I needed to go, which was to the beach. Not once did anyone ever ask me “Kengi will you be ok tonight?” or “do you need a ride some place” so support was not what I felt from the groups I have been to.

Even after I was in housing and off the streets I still have not felt like a support group was much support for me. So I have had to find other things where I can get support, other ways of finding people  who may have been going through some of the things I have been through, but even this was hard and still is very hard because most people who are homeless and HIV positive dont have a blog, youtube channel or a laptop, so they become invisible even though they are in plain sight. HIV has been isolating all by itself, but add not having a place to live and a so called community that refers you to the most homophobic place in LA, SKID ROW, a community where people with HIV sit on one side and a community where homeless gay men and women are not embraced by pushed to the side just like in the mainstream community.

I have made some good contacts and cool people that I know care about me, but you really cant understand what someone is going through, what they are dealing with or how hard things might be when you’ve never even come close to walking in their shoes. So helping or providing support for a person who is homeless and HIV positive is very hard. Our society says homeless people are drug users, drunks, crazy people, scum, stupid and the people who are in line to help refuse to think out side the small box to even try to help or understand. Not even your own so called friends try to help or understand.

When I left this group I walked out with a great feeling. I felt cool for having gone and the guys I met there all seemed cool and real. They didnt seem all fucked in the head or just basic nut jobs. They were normal guys who have HIV and doing all they can to deal with it. I didnt feel like I couldnt share or particapte for fear of being judged and treated like a complete dumbass. I felt like an equal and I felt it was cool to be who I was and confident in the fact that I would not feel attacked or looked down upon and for me that was an awesome feeling.

After we made the boxes we picked out rocks and held them in our right hands and put things like peace, joy, comfort, happiness, integrity and good health into the rocks and then we were asked to give the rocks to the person to the left of us. This was cool because Bart was to the right of me so I go his rocks and I placed it in my box. At first I didnt want to give my rock away, but when I did I had this cool feeling in my heart because all the awesome things I wanted for me I had just gave to someone else, the guy to the left of me who had been so cool, making me laugh, pulling me out of my shell and helping me with my box. To be honest it also reminded me of what my organization is all about and what I try so hard to do each and every day. “Pass it on”

After the meeting I had the chance to talk to a few guys Bart introduced me to and I even talked to guys outside after. While I rode me bike home I was singing and smiling and as I rode up to the red light at Fountain and Highland this guy leaned out the window and asked what I was so happy about. I smiled and took off my head phones and told him that “life is great, so that is what I am happy about.” He leaned out his hand and gave me a high five and said “Live well brother” and as the light turned green I smiled at him and said “you too man”

I walked into my apartment and I smiled so big because I had just been to a support group tat made me feel good. I had just done something for me and it felt awesome. I smiled even bigger when I pulled out the box and sat it on the table right inside my door where my faith cross is as well as my serenity and harmony vases are that hold my blooming orchids. It was a perfect place for my new art in my new place.

As I walked the rest of the way in I smiled and said out loud “You Rock Bart………Thank you God”

I took a shower, returned some emails, did a post to my twitter page and facebook and turned the lights off and went to bed.

It’s always so completely cool to me how God always supplies, how he always shows up, how he is always right there, always on time, never leaves me alone, wont let me give up, wont let me down, how he is my all and all, my wheel in the middle of the wheel, my strong tower, my shelter in the time of storm, my light in times of dark, my comforter, my friend, my way maker, peace giver, the lover of my soul and the light of mylife who always answers every time I call and is always right there in the middle with me, working it out for me good in the end. God is good and he always places good people in my path right when I need them most.

Bart with my whole heart I love you and I am so glad God placed you in my life when he did. I so glad  God has allowed me to see the good in mankind through you. I am so glad that God has placed an awesome example of what a friend is, what a real man is to show me and encourage me. I am so thankful to you and both honored and blessed to call you my friend…….YOU ROCK.