Old Blogs from 2008 (November)

// April 23rd, 2010 // Uncategorized

“I will…………

• Posted by Kengi on November 7, 2008 at 5:00pm



I have lived a life that has been a mix of mostly sunshine and sometimes rain. God has given me many days and nights of such joy, pleasure, awesome wonder and the there has been the pain. It seems the past 21 months my life has been more rain and pain, then anything else. But through it all, I’ve learned to follow his word and lean not unto my own understanding and never the less he always come through for me.

Someone once said to e on this blog that there must be so many things that I don’t blog about or tell people. She was so right. However the reason I started the blog wasn’t for people to come rescue me, have pity on me or feel they needed to come to my rescue. I started the blog because I wanted to try my very best to show people just how much people are suffering in this country and just how much we simply sit around and allow it to happen.



The entry I am making today is all about me and there is a lot here, so pace yourself. For those of you who know me, you will know what I am talking about. I’ve already called some friends and have spoke to them already. Others are out of the country so I will tell them once they are back, while others have mail boxes that are full or dont answer their phone when I call. So you will read it here.

I now have a team of over 20 doctors and specialists. Some for the cancer, the liver, the kidney’s, my hearts, the sickle cell and as a team they are trying to find a doctor to help with the HIV, since help from places like the Gay and Lesbian Center where I now have an appoint about 28 days from now, and the poorly run Harbor UCLA Medical Center has refused to see me and my nurse at County USC is far too busy to call me back.

“Louis we don’t know what’s going on with your body.” is how my primary cancer doctor started. She smiled and smiled back because I have long known that they didn’t know, so for me it was nice that they are finally telling me this.



“Every test we run comes back with far different results. Let’s take your Liver for example. Three months ago we thought it was going to fail and now it is doing pretty good. Then your heart. We have no idea why it beats the way it does or why you haven’t already had a massive heart attack. Your eye doctor has no idea why your vision is your left eye comes and goes at will. We don’t know where some of the bleeding is coming from.” Is what I was told by another doctor.

The whole time I am in this room with them there tears falling down my face and I am being hugged very tight by a doctor I have known since I was 21 years old. She has now become a friend to me. She makes so much noise when she feels I not being treated fairly or not enough is being done to help me.

“Ken…”
“Please don’t call me that. It’s Kengi. That was my Pops name. It has a meaning. The name Ken has no meaning. If you can’t say Kengi, then call me Louis.” I bark at him and follow it up with a smile and the entire room bursts into laughter. This is a new doctor and as a joke the rest of them told him to call me “Ken” They didn’t tell him I would bark at him.

“I’m sorry Kengi. I was that you like being called Kengi.” He says

“Well you were told wrong. And don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.” I replied and again the entire room was laughing.

He went on to tell me about the my heart and did his best to explain why my chest is always tight and why sometimes my heart feels like it is about to jump right out of my chest. There are times when it feels like someone is holding it and squeezing it as tight as they can and shaking it. When this happens I turn red, cant get air in, and I have also passed out when this happens.



“Kengi this isn’t normal and I am very sorry that you’ve been told that your heart is fine when clearly something is wrong. I wont be one of those doctors that tells you everything is ok. Something is wrong and as one of your many, many, many, many, many, doctors…..” we all start laughing again. “I will do my beast to find out what is causing your heart to act they way it does.

With more tears falling down my face I smile at him and say “Thank You.”

I with my doctors for about two and half hours, mapping out things and making sure I understood what was going on. I was given so much information and much of it don’t understand and I know I never will.

Right before I left my primary cancer doctor who has worked her ass off making calls to other doctors to help her with my medical care at no cost to me or anyone else says.

“You’ve changed the way I take care of my patient’s young man. You’ve shown me what it means to be brave even in the face of death. You’ve shown me how to love with so much hate right in front of me. I speak for everyone in this room when I say we will keep looking for answers and we refuse to give up simply because out patient has presented us with medical problems we don’t have the answers to. Just like you won’t give up, we won’t either.”



I thanked them for taking all this time out for me. They all asked questions about my blog and the work I am trying to do. They all are so puzzled by things they thought were in place for people like me and are now faced with the “knowing” that things aren’t that way at all. They all told me much I have inspired them to be better at what they do and to encourage their peers to do the same.

As I walked to the bus I began to try again because I thought of just how much I am alone. Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I know there are people who care, but I am alone. I walked and thought to myself, there will be a black man in the White House and young black boys and girls will now have something to inspire them to work harder, run faster, stay in the game longer, strive for better, know you can, know you’re worth it and the knowing that they are a vital part of this nation.

I cried when I thought of my parents, grandparents, great grandparents as well as aunts and uncles and cousins who have died knowing that a black man would never be in the white house. Not because we don’t have the skills, but because this nation is still very much racist.

I cried more when thought of people who I consider friends say things like “I wish people would stop saying he is black. He’s not black.” I’ve heard so many people say bullshit like race doesn’t matter and color isn’t an issue.



I’ve never had the chance to live in a world where my race didn’t matter or the color of my skin wasn’t an issue. I’ve never had the pleasure of living in a place where we all are the same.

Not too long ago I had a friend think that Bush had the power to stop the election. That he could control what God had already said would be. I know people who were ready to go to protest, sending letters to the city and state attorney. Emailing Senators and such. As my Nana use to say “just runnin round like a chicken with they head cut off.”

To myself I just laughed because I know that when God says it will be, then it will be and there is nothing or no one who has the power to stop it. This is none of us can afford to put our trust in anyone other then God. Ya, see at the end of the day, when it all is said and done. God is still in COMPLETE control and he will have the final say.

Someone told me the other day that I was God and I quickly told him that I wasn’t. None of us are. They reply was “we all are God”

If I were God I would have killed the punk ass who put that gun in my face and the person who spit in my face would have never been here to begin with. People like Mr. Munroe over at Skid Row Housing Corporation would never have the position to abuse people. There would have never been a BUSH in the white house. Shit I wouldn’t be dealing with all that I am dealing with now.



People have asked me what is going on in my head. My doctors are amazed that my body can someone give me just enough to get me through and then resist they try to help. They are puzzled by organs that work fine one month, then have problems the next week.

“Kengi, we don’t know if your next chest pain will be a heart attack, but we don know something is causing your heart to act the way it does.”

So this is what I think daily and have been thinking this for sometime now. When I lay down to go to sleep, will I wake up? I think daily about the pain in my chest, my friends Tina and Andy got me some depends. I asked them to because I can’t control my bowels most of the time. Sometimes my body feels so fucking heavy that I don’t want to move, but I have no choice.

There are times when all I can do is cry because the pain is so great. Then the times when I cry because I have had such an amazing journey and I have to shed some tears because God has been awesome to me, even in the midst of my storm.

My feelings get hurt when people I love and care for walk away from me because I haven’t called them and didn’t go with them to have drinks. My feelings get hurt when people say stuff like small shit they are dealing with is just as important to me now facing the possibility of death. Or friends who have seen me after chemo and turn around right after and say “do you want to apply for this job”



Each day I thank God for just one more day. Once more hour, one more minute, one more second. Imagine you have a team of over 20 doctors and specialists and they have no idea why your body seems to be shutting down and they have no idea how to fix or repair the things they know are in need of repair, but have to consider how that will damage or bring on something else. Imagine coughing blood and you don’t know where it is coming from. Imagine being on a bus and of no where you shit in your pants. Imagine nose bleeds that take forever before they stop. Even while doctors are trying to stop it and then it just stops.

I am content with my life and they way I have lived it. I am proud of who I am and what I have been able to do here on this earth. Very proud of things I was able to do when I had gobs of money to do them. Proud that I cared for my Pops and proud that I have been the kind of person I know my parents were so fucking proud of.

I am damn proud of my accomplishments in the last 21 months. With all the shit that I am dealing with, I am have found the time not to just give lip service but put do the hard work it takes to make changes for people who really need some help.



So just like my medical team. I don’t know what tonight or tomorrow hold for me. I just know that I am content and if God calls me home right now. I am complete and ready. If he gives me one more day or 15 more years I will use them to do the work he has given me to do.

So many people tell me “Kengi, you must take care of yourself, if you die then your message and your mission dies with you.”

I can’t help but laugh when I hear things like this. If it does die when I die, then the point of it was never listened to or understood. Moreover, you never took the time to listen.

Nana use to tell me “Baby you have to listen. If you are thinking when someone else is talking, then you aren’t listening.”

I want to say to my childhood friends who have taken the time to reach out to me. “thanks so much for all your prayers, love and support. That means a great deal to me.”



To all the people I have met since my mission began The love, support, kindness and energy that you have shown me is so remarkable. For those who stood with me when others attacked me calling my work fake, thanks for believing and continuing to work side by side with me to make things better for people who are suffering.

I won’t call names because then I will forget someone and cause them to feel left out, so I will just say I’ve met some awesome people over the last 21 months. People I would have otherwise never met had homelessness, cancer and HIV never been a part of my life, so I guess in some way Jennifer Murry was right. It has been a blessing, but not in the way she was thinking.

To all the people I now call friends that I have met through my Do Something Saturday project and from all the people I met from my blog and youtube channel. You’ve been awesome to me and I will never forget that. Thanks for all the love, support, advice, and most of all thanks for all the prayers.

MY GOAL

Is to be here and to continue to work on things for my Do Something Saturday project. I am in now way giving up on me. I love me far too much give up on me. I will continue to see my doctors and work with them to make my medical problems history and I will always be asking God to guide them and lead them in the right direction.

LETTING GO

Of some people. Some I really love and care for a great deal. But as my Pops use to say. “sometimes you just have to walk away.” It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I don’t want what’s best for you. It simply means that I love me more and being around you or near you is very harmful to me. I wish you nothing but the best and I pray God will shower you with love.



TAKING A BREAK

From lots of things and from some people. I just need to do this.

RESTING

I am sitting at my friend Tina’s and Andy’s. And I have to tell you this. These two people showed up right at a time when I really needed them. The ever first time was with Easter Baskets for the Easter Feast I did for homeless people, low income families and seniors and each time I need something the most, there they are. God is good and he sends me what I need, not what I want, but what I need and in these two people God supplies that. I will be here for two chemo treatments (one tomorrow) while they are visiting family out of the country.

I am thinking to myself how very happy black people must be right now. Even though they may be going through some shit how very happy they must be feeling that finally something they may have never thought would happen is starting to unfold.

Non blacks will never fully understand the joy inside of black people right now. That’s isnt to say we don’t share joy as people, so please don’t read something into this, because it is not there. It’s just they way things are. PERIOD.

ASKING FOR MYSELF

I need help. I have so many pictures that I have taken over the last 21 months and I am starting to see them on different websites and even in some blogs I have read. I would like to some how place “KengiKAT” on my photos to protect them.

I would also like very much to create an income for myself that will fit into my medical schedule and the times that I am unable to work. So I was thinking about something like a gallery opening of my photos. If there are people who can help me make this happen, please let me know.

So many people have asked me what I need. There is a reason why I don’t ask. I’ve had people say to me “I paid your cell phone bill and you cant call me or have drinks with me” when they know I just had chemo. I’ve had people offer to help with things like my bus pass and other things like a place to crash. I have had to miss doctors appointments because people don’t show up to give me a ride and then it becomes to late to ride the bus. Plus people like to remind me of what they have done. So I don’t ask.

If you wish to send me something then you can do so through paypal by using my email address. kengikat@gmail.com. I wanna say big thanks to all who have offered and all who have already helped me. You will never know just how much I appreciate it.



In close I just want all of you to know this. I am not giving up and I never will. So when you see me blogs and even my youtube channel where it am upset or even in tears. Don’t ever come to the conclusion that I am giving up. That just isnt in me. God wont allow it to be part of who I am.

…..bless the Lord at all times. His praises shall continually be in my mouth.”

Nothing can ever prepare you for death. Even when you know it is coming. Nothing can ever prepare you for the phone call or the knock at your door. There is no feeling like the one you feel once you’ve learned that someone you loved has passed away.

At 3:13AM I got the first of three calls. Yeah I said three calls. I guess yo can say I’ve had four calls if you count Tori the cat. In any case I am so very numb right now. My head hurts and my face is in so much pain from all the crying I’ve been doing.

The first call came from Atlanta. My cousin Kevin lost his three year battle with cancer. He was at home with his wife and two kids we he woke up complaining of cramps in his legs and not long after he woke up he died from a massive stroke, followed by a massive heart attack.

His wife called me first because my number was the last one in the phone. Kevin had just called me to check on me and see how I was doing. We talked for about an hour laughing about all the fun times we ha as kids. All the family camping trips, gatherings and all the other things we use to do as kids. We both expressed how sorry we were that we couldn’t be there for each other. Kevin cried because he hated the fact that I am going through all that I am with no family. He said how he cant believe my own brothers and sisters wont even offer me any help.

Kevin was a year older then me and as a kid I would always try to play baseball as good as he played. I was good, but never good as him. We both laughed when I started talking about this..

“Boy you were a mess. Do you remember that game where you had to get 15 stitches in the back of your head for trying to catch that ball?” he asked laughing like crazy.

“I didn’t try to catch it. I did. And even with the blood pour out my head I threw the ball to third base and your ass was out.” I said

“Yeah, that was some game. You were all over the place.” He said

“That was a game and the only time we beat you guys.” I laughed

I was the Best Man in his wedding and the God Father to his second child. While speaking with his wife I forgot about all the pain in my body and tried to focus on her and the kids. We talked for about 30 minutes and then she had to make other calls. I thanked her for calling and she told me how she would miss seeing me at the service. I stayed strong and didn’t start crying until I hung up the phone.

Not 10 minutes went by until the phone rang again. I thought it was someone calling to tell me what I already knew. But when I looked at the caller ID on my cell phone, I knew something else was up. It was another cousin in Arkansas.

“Hello” I said with a low voice

“Hey cuzz!!! Sorry to wake you up, but Mama Lizzy is gone home.” She said. I could hear that she was crying. My cousin has lived with her for about 5 years now helping to take care of her. Mama Lizzy was the last of my great, great relatives. She was my Aunt. I remember all the amazing stories she would tell us about of family and what it was like growing up in the south. She told us about times when her father was taken from their house when she was a little girl and beaten for something he did not do. She watched one year in horror as their little road side store was burnt to the ground.

She was 104 years old. She was one of those people who never believed in the American dream. She never voted and never had a kind word to say about whites. Sometimes it was so hard to hear her stories about growing up in the south, but it helped me and my cousins to work that much harder to make things better. My cousin told me that the only think she said about Obama being elected was “now let’s just pray that they don’t kill him or his family”

She was such an amazing woman. She outlived all her children and all her brothers and sisters. Hell she even out liven most of her family period. She had this smooth silky super black skin. She had scars on her face and one side of her body. She use to tell the story of how she got them running threw this field late one night and having to jump over a fence with bobbed wire.

“If I didn’t make it over that fence, them boys would have caught me and beat me til I was dead. I remember holding in my screams as my skin and meat pulled away from my face and arms. When I got home and after Mama cleaned me up, I got the beaten of my life for being out so late. That’s when Mama sent me here to Arkansas. This old bird couldn’t stay in Mississippi no more.”

Some of my cooking secrets and tips I learned from Mama Lizzy. She had this huge smile that could brighten up a room. It was always funny how she never seemed to be afraid of anything, but something as small as a worm would drive her batty.

The last call came at 7:30AM. It was from my other cousin in Texas. My cousin Duncan died from Sickle Cell. I’m taking this one vey hard because we are two days apart in birth. As kids we were so very close. Even as adults he and I were very close. About three years ago he moved from New York back to Texas to live with his brother and he stopped talking to family almost right away. He didn’t want anyone to see him suffer.

Talking with my cousin John was hard, because many of the things going wrong with me are things that went wrong with Duncan. Coughing blood and doctors unable to find the cause, passing out, failing organs and violent seizures. Duncan would have been 40 on the 17th of December. Two days before my 40th birthday.

I wont be able to attend any of the funerals. First of all the cost to go is something I cant even begin to take on, I don’t have anything to wear and I going would mean I would miss medical appointments.

My heart is so heavy right now. The pain in my body is so great and the amount of loss in my life has been so much over the past 21 months. I was already very said thinking of the fact that this holiday season I will spend without Ma and Pops and now I won have certain people to call to check in on.

My head is so clouded right now and thoughts of what am I going to do are all over me. My heart goes out to my family members who have given up so much to care for others and now they have the task of scrambling to find resources to burry the ones they love.

I sit here and as I look toward the mountains I see the smoke from the fires that are burning and I cant help but wonder how much pain and loss people are feeling right now. I thinking to myself about all the things that I still need to get in order so my death doesn’t become a hardship or burden on my friends. Even though I know everything is all taken care of I can’t help but wonder if I have forgot to list a name of someone to call or someone to inform.

I guess the old saying is true. When it rains, it pours. How much more dear Lord? How much more will I have to endure?

I never wanted to know what was meant by someone saying that “my soul is tired’ I think I may have shared that I have heard this term plenty of times in my life. It has also come from someone that played such a key role in my life. They were also someone that would create such a huge hole if they weren’t no longer around.

I’ve been staying at my friends place while they are out of the country and for the most part it has been awesome. I’ve been able to keep all my medical appointments and even make some time to work at finding a place to live. Having access to the internet has been amazing. On nights where I haven’t been able to sleep-there have been a bunch-I’ve been able to look for places that may be able to provide housing. The sad thing is that there really isn’t as many as so many people think.

It’s been 22 months now since I’ve became homeless. For the most part I’ve mapped it all out alone. I broke down and reached out for a case manager, but didn’t want to get one like the rest I had. I was blessed to get Tiana from APLA. She is awesome and things seem to be going great, until I had to start cancer treatments again, new infections, new medical problems and the loss of housing have made it impossible to make time to go see her. We have been in contact via email and telephone voicemail.

Being here this week I’ve got yet another infection. Taking care of Chinchillas has caused me to get a respiratory infection. The urine and poo isn’t something my system can manage right now. It is far too busy managing all the other shit. On Thursday I had to go to the emergency room to be placed on an IV drip. The infection was so bad that the meds I was given didn’t work. It got worse.

I have had some awesome days while I’ve been here. I was able to reconnect with someone I have known since 7th grade. We sang together throughout Jr. High and High School. She was so freaking cool and kind to me. I was both shocked and touched by the fact that she felt the way she feels about me. We haven’t seen each other since high school graduation. I remember standing in the quad waiting to walk down into the Greek for graduation and giving her this hug and she fixed my cap for me. We both promised to stay in touch, but then life kicked in.

Vickie is awesome. She sent me a message on face book and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was getting depressed. My Pops b-day was coming up and the holiday season is now here. Pops died the night before Thanksgiving and once again my world took a change and yet another turn. I remember asking God why he kept taking things that I so needed in my life. Little did I know that was the very night my life would not recover the way it had in the past. When I read the message from Vickie I gave her my number and she called and man I was so happy she did.

She made me laugh, took my mind off the week I was about to have, the trip to the doctor I was not looking forward to was no longer on my mind. I was talking to an old friend just like we had never missed a beat. She came to see me later and once again we picked up just like our friendship had never went away.

What I saw in her, was who I use to be and a part of me got very sad. Vickie is all business all the time. Work, Work, Work. That was me. Catering all over the place, cooking for private events and families. Meetings with bride and grooms. Shit I recall there was a time I had two cell phones. I will never forget the Saturday I catered two weddings and a retirement party. I flew home to Santa Monica the next day for my friend Kevin’s birthday and to see my folks.

Vickie and I laughed so much the night she came. It was so cool to hang out with her, even if it was only for a few minutes. (it was longer then that) Nothing has changed about her. She is still the sweetest, still has that smile that could make anyone feel better and her hug was awesome. It felt good and guess what? I made it all the way through our visit and didn’t break down. However toward the end of the visit it was pretty hard.

When she left I had the chance to speak with Jason and share some things with him and that was awesome for me to be able to do that. Since I am on the subject, let me tell you about Jason. He is roomies with my friends. At first I didn’t think he cared to much for me. I had no clue what he was told about me. Did he know how sick I am? Does he know about the HIV? But I will say that being here and knowing that he is also here has made things a bit better and he is great guy. I tried very hard not to let my sickness bother or cause him concern in any way. This can be very hard. When I am in pain I tend to make noise and I hum certain parts songs over and over and over. I also let out load noises when the pain just gets to be too much for me. I pace at night and there are those times I fall down.

I have been able to spend some time with Jason and find out a little more about him. He has this HUGE crush on this girl, but really doesn’t know how to let her know it. He is a model and works two jobs. Has what I would say very little time for him. Very different from how I was when I was his age. At 25 my catering business was on fire and I had an event planning business with another friend from high school that was also going very well. I was also in LOVE. It was very funny in a nice way to see how Jason acted around Vickie. He was shy and that is a quality he should never let slip away. Jason is sexy and a very handsome guy and any girl would be lucky to land him.

Some of the coolest things from this week was the fact that I cooked twice and it was pretty good too. I don’t get to do what I fell in love with so long ago and as they say “practice makes perfect” Well I haven’t been to practice as much as I would like to. OH MY GOD. Jason and I had some laughs. Not me regular Ha Ha that was funny now go away laughs, but the kind of laughs I haven’t had in a very long time. That was so cool to have, very cool to remember that I could even laugh like that anymore.

My time here has been a mixed bag. I was able to rest, hell there was a few days where all I did was sleep. However even with that my body is still very tired and with each passing day I become more aware of it. If someone were to tell me that i could just rest for a year and not worry about a place to be, this would not correct the damage already done to my body and to be very honest, the damage done to my heart and soul.

I’ve spent my entire life giving back to humanity and doing my very best to be a good person. Always doing the things I know my parents and their parents and their parents, parents would be proud of. I worked my ass off when I didn’t really have to, but I wanted to not just be able to take care of me, but provide things for people who were not able to provide for themselves.

I never thought for one second I would be where I am today. No place to live, no money, no parents, few friends, in so much pain and very ill with no way of providing for myself. I never knew what it was like to ask someone for something that I needed. I’ve always been able to do that for myself. I didn’t know how shameful a person could feel for even having to ask. I never thought for one second I would one day be the person at the other end of the bottled water being handed out. But here I am and there are days when the shame is so great, that all I can do is cry and ask God once again why he has taken away me. Asking him why do I have to go through all this? Why does my pain, my hurt, my sorrow, my loss all have to come at once? Asking him why certain people who in my eyes shouldn’t even be on earth let alone sitting in charge of homeless people or a country have it so easy. Why cant he give them my storm for a while?

I have to deal with what people will think when they find out I am in the situation I am in. How people will create shit and speak on what they think they know. I also have to contend with mounting medical problems and housing options that I have now exhausted here in this State.

My HIV is fine and for this I am so thankful to God, however if I were sicker, I could have housing. Now how sick is that. I sometimes wonder how sick I would need to be before I get housing. I have had social workers tell me to lie about drinking or drug problems so I could get both housing and medical care right away. I have had friends tell me to just say I am going to hurt myself and I would have medical and housing right away. I been shown and told how to lie to get social security right away.

I have just two days left here in West LA and I am thankful to God for allowing me to meet Tina and Andy through my outreach project I started over 22 months ago. I am Thankful to them for even thinking of how they could provide for me in such a powerful way. I am thankful that through this I have been able to reconnect with an old friend and be brave enough to allow her inside my world. The last few times I’ve done this with people from childhood have left me with so much hurt. I am thankful for the laughs cool time I was able to have with Jason. He will never know just how much that laughter means to me right now.

As I hear the voice is Diana Sawyer, the voices from the girls downstairs, the noise from the traffic out on Wilshire, the humming of the water cooler behind me and the squeaking of the chair from me moving around in it too much because I am in so much pain in my back and legs I am thinking that It’s now getting cold outside and I don’t have long pants, nor do I have warm clothes. Just one night at Kimarie’s in a room so cold that Tori wouldn’t sleep in (Tori is her dead cat) gave me the flu. I had flu shots when I left the hospital in Long Beach back in April when I found out I was HIV positive. I am thinking that it is supposed to be a happy time of the year. It wont be that for me this year. Even though I know I have an offer and will more then likely get other offers for a place to be on Thanksgiving, it will not help me deal with what that day holds for me. As a kid it meant seeing my entire family for all over the place. It meant going fishing with Pops and Grandpa very early that morning. Well Grandpa died the day before I graduated high school in 1987 and Pops died last year Thanksgiving morning, so fishing is out of the question and finding the thanks in that day will be very hard for me. I am so not looking forward to what the day will hold for me this year.

So as of Monday I will once again be back to square one. Back to the streets only this time I may have to deal with not having any sun to keep me warm and even well.

The difference between now and the times before i can honestly say that my soul has grown tired and it really needs rest.

Some nights I pray for death

• Posted by Kengi on November 22, 2008 at 6:26pm

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep, dear God I wish to die before I wake. My soul is so tired and I don’t know how much will I can take.

I know this sounds like a cry for help, but if you’re not God, then don’t chime in.

I had a pretty good day today. I even had a pretty god night last night. There were points when I had to get up and walk around and frequent trips to the bathroom also made my night just “pretty good” instead of great.

Today I tried really hard to stay focused on all the good things in my life and not let things get to me. I spent the better part of my day doing all the last bit of laundry and cleaning my friends room where I have been for the past 2 ½ weeks. WOW, there was a lot of things to clean.

My friend Vickie gave me a little cash and thought to myself that it was very cool because I only had like 6 bucks, so her cash would come in handy for me since I would not have a place to go once my time was up here. However I needed to do some laundry and I also had to buy some cleaning supplies and I needed to replace things that I had used while I was here. I now have 2 bucks and no bus pass. This is going to be a huge problem for me.

I get a free bus pass each month from APLA. However this time around I had a chemo appointment two days before the free passes are passed out. I tried with everything in me to get up and go get the free pass, but there was no way for me to control the vomiting and the feelings like I was going to pass out, so I gave up.

You may be wondering what the big deal is about the bus pass. Well first of all it is the only way I have to get around. I can borrow a car from time to time, but not often and even when I do get that offer I need to be able to put gas in the car. The bus pass also provides me with shelter at night. I can ride the trains and busses all night long with the bus pass for free. Without it I need to buy a all day pass that cost 5 or 6 bucks.

There is rain in our forecast for this week and not only do I not have the proper clothes for the rain, it is now sinking in that I do not have the means to keep myself somewhat warm if it does get too cold or even rain outside.

Here was my choice. Get the bus pass and skip my chemo treatment. I have already been warned by my cancer team that I have already missed way to many appointments. They fully understand that I have missed them for things that are very important but warned me that missing anymore could be very costly for me. So I didn’t take the chance of skipping the appointment and now I will pay for it another way.

This is just how things go for me and many homeless people. There are times when you must be in two places at once and you need to make a choice of which is most important, but you cant do both and you will suffer from your choice either way it goes.

I really didn’t think about not having a bus pass until I started looking at my appointments for next week and now the day that was pretty good has turned into an evening of depression. There is no way for me to make all the appointments I have. There isnt even a way for me to get through appointments for tomorrow.

I have two people I know I can depend on to help me manage my paypal account. Kimarie is one of those people, but she is busy with her new client load and isnt sure if she will be able to help me. The other person is Sarah. Sarah is someone I met through my outreach, just like Kimarie, however Sarah was also homeless and knows first hand what I am up against. I know she would help me in a heartbeat, but last week she had argument with her step mom and was thrown out of the house. Sarah is a sweetheart and she does have some mental illness. She recently lost her job after the company closed. She left me a message today from LAX where she was on her way to Dallas. There isnt anyone else I know I can trust to transfer money and have them meet up with me to give me the cash.

Yeah, today started out as a good day, but then reality set in and the fact that after 22 months of busting my ass to keep my nose above water, while dealing with a ton of medical issues I still am not even close to getting a place to call home or anything close to an ordinary life.

It’s in times like these that I really get down on myself for not pushing myself harder, staying up later or simply getting to both places at once. It’s time like these that I kick myself for not taking care of myself at all cost. Even though I know I have done all I could do, I still beat myself up. Because at the end of the day, when night falls and I am without, it all falls down on me.

What do you do when you’ve done all you can and shit just doesn’t work? I’ve made myself sicker by pushing myself way past my limits simply because things need to get taken care of and I still don’t get everything done and then it’s nights like this where I wonder why have I tried so hard? Why haven’t I given up? And why in the sam hell do I keep on fighting for? Why should I keep fighting for more nights like this? Why should I keep holding out when all I do is never enough? It’s nights like this that I pray very hard for death.

Please don’t read things into this that aren’t there. I didn’t say I am going to hurt myself or anyone. I said it’s nights like these that I pray for death.

It’s 6:15PM on Saturday, November 22, 2008 and I just poured myself a glass of red wine. I am going to watch the rest of the Oklahoma game, finish packing and the last bit of cleaning and then I am going to bed.

If it comes, tomorrow is a new day for me to work harder, try harder, be more brave and fight with all I have left in me to make SOMETHING out of all this nothing I have before me.

The call i wish I didnt have to take

• Posted by Kengi on November 22, 2008 at 11:38pm

Today started just as the day before. However this time thanks to my friends Tina and Andy, I now have a place to crash for a bit. In addition I’ve also been able to forge another friendship with their roomie Jason.

So as I was saying, the ay started pretty much the same. I got up took a shower and headed out the door for a long day of doctors appointments. While on the bus I got a call from my case manager Tiana from APLA. She was calling to check in on me and to let me know what she had been working on. She also wanted to set a time when she and I could meet up to work toward permanent housing options. She also wanted to make sure I had received her email about the section 8 being open in Long Beach.

“Yes, I got the email and I filled out the online application and I am on the waiting list” I told her.

“Good Kengi, I wasn’t sure if you got the email or not because we haven’t really been in contact with one another.”

“Hey Kengi, don’t forget bus passes are tomorrow. Can you make it?” she reminded

“Oh wow, tomorrow, thanks so much for telling me Tiana, yes I will be there. I missed last months bus pass because I had a treatment the day before, so there was no way I could make it to stand in line to get the free pass. I will be there tomorrow.”

“OK, cool, then why don’t we get together after you get your pass. Do you wanna do that?” She asks

“Yes, that will work.”

She and I talked and laughed for a bit and even talked about Obama being the President of these United States. Tiana has been a huge help, but even as great as she is, her hands are tied just as much as mine are when it comes to navigating my way through homeless services.

I finished my call with Tiana as I walked into my first doctors appointment. This appointment was with three eye doctors. They want to find the source of my failing vision and why I seem to get these painful headaches followed shortly by loss of vision for short periods of time. After that appointment I was off to see another set of doctors, this set is for my liver, that UCLA told me there was nothing wrong with. However this set of doctors feel otherwise and all test run also show otherwise. From there I was off to see my cancer team.

When I was leaving the doctor one of the nurses called out my name.

“Kengi, I have a gift for you from the nurses here.” She said as she walked toward me smiling.

“A gift, what’s this for?” I asked really shocked

“Well when you were in last you helped us big time with this guy who was just giving all of us a hard time. You made him leave us alone and you made us laugh. You always have this way of making us just crack up about things. Even when we know you don’t wanat to be here, you always seem to look out for us and we want you to know how much we love you for that.” She hands me the envelope

Inside the envelope I had a ticket for AMC, lunch at the daily grill and $50. I was really blown away. I looked at her and smile. “Wow, it’s been a while since I have done something like this. I wont know how to act.” I laughed and they all laughed with me.

“Yes, you will. You don’t have anymore appointments today, so take the rest of the day and enjoy yourself Kengi. I also have this for you too. We know we screwed up you getting your bus pass so again, we know this aint much brutha man, but here is a day pass for you to go enjoy yourself.”

I was so blown away. I gave the nurses a hug and made some jokes about patients I know they give them such a hard time, but they aren’t allowed to make light of. Since I don’t work there, I was more then happy to bring some sunshine to their day by poking fun at them.

I walked out of the office into the cold, dark day and thought to myself. “wow I don’t have anything else to do. How cool is this?” I smiled and headed for the shuttle that would take me to the Metro Red Line Train.

Once on the train I decided to enjoy the rest of my day by having a late lunch at the Daily Grill in Downtown LA. I even had two drinks. I sat for a while just like it was old times and I had just finished meeting with a client. I sent out some emails and chatted for a bit with two friends in Atlanta. After eating lunch and finishing my second glass of wine I headed for the train and went to Universal City Walk where I say “Role Models” Man I am so glad I did that.

The movie was funny as hell and it was cool that the theater wasn’t that full, so I was able to have an entire row to myself. It was cool to laugh out loud and just simply relax and enjoy myself and not worry about the world outside.

After the movie I took in some sights of City Walk before I headed back to the tram that would carry me back down the huge hill. While waiting for the tram two people walked up and to.

“Kengi, what are you doing here?” they asked, sounding kind of concerned

“Excuse me, what do you mean.” I asked smiling

“It’s cold and you should be home resting” of them said Her date even tried to give me his coat.

Backing up and still smiling a bit “Do I know you guys. I mean really who are you?”

They both start laughing and then tell me that they have been reading my blog and watching my youtube channel for a while now

“Dude you’re such an inspiration to both of us. We were just talking about you, so when we saw you standing here, we just had to come over and say hello. It’s like we know you.”

I started laughing and we all hugged and talked for a bit. They said they just saw the updated website for the Do Something Saturday and said they were going to make sure they were in tow to help me with my birthday celebration.

As the train pulled up I gave them hugs and they told me to go home and rest. Right as I stepped onto the tram the guy ran back up and gave me his coffee bean and tea leaf card
“Dude I just got this and I want you to have it man. I don’t want to sound gay, but I love you.”

“Easy big dog.” I laugh as people on the tram started looking at me. “Thanks you guys have a great time here and enjoy your eveing.” I sat back and just smiled so big

Once back in West LA I took a moment to myself and then Jason came home. He and I went to watch the Laker Basketball Game and have a couple of beers.

Right now I am sitting in my friends room that she has given to me for a few days and I am listening to the rain fall outside, thinking of my reconnection with my childhood friend Vickie and also thinking about all the awesome people I have in my life and I cant help but think how truly blessed I am. While I am dealing with a bunch of things that most people wouldn’t have a clue to deal with, God still see fir to shine his awesome light on me and he still calls my name. Still shows me that even in the midst of all that is seemingly going south in my life, he is still in control and I still have his favor.

Once again, please help me celebrate my 40th birthday. Please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org to see how you can help me celebrate.

Blessings

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was pretty cool. I got up early looked at a bit of TV, took a shower, shaved, got dressed and headed to go be of service to those who have less. Yep even I make time to volunteer outside of my own organization.

Since my only plans were to hang out with my friends Tina and Andy, I wanted to also make sure I did my part to make sure I give back and support people who need support more then ever at this time of year.

Thanksgiving is now a very hard time for me. I lost my father 2006 Thanksgiving morning. February 3, 2008 I became homeless. I lost my Ma about three months ago, so this is my first holiday without both my parents.

It was very important for me to keep my mind busy so I didn’t spend much time thinking about all that I have lost in the past two years. I am glad I got up and made time for others today, because for me it meant seeing that there a lots of people who are suffering and in need of some kindness in their life.

Union Station is a homeless service agency that serves homeless people in the Pasadena area. Each night there is about 1300 or better homeless people in that city. In LA County where Pasadena is located the number of homeless people is a shameful. It is estimated to be between 88 to 94 thousand homeless people LA County alone. Some now call it the homeless capital of the world.

However today was a day that many people came out to give back to those who are in need. They did so in large numbers. There were so many volunteers that some of the people I can with weren’t able to volunteer because there was noting for them to do. In a way this is good, but in other ways it’s sad that people only make time once a year to be of service to others, even though each day they see the need right in front of them.

I was only able to serve for about 20 minutes before I was asked to step aside and let the next group join in. The time went by pretty fast. For me a the people I met on the line with me, we weren’t ready to stop helping yet. So we found other ways and other areas where we could help out. We carried plates, helped bus and even sat and talked with homeless people. It was cool for me because I know how very cold and lonely the street can be and sometimes you just want someone nice to talk with. I am glad I was able to be that for a few people.

I arrived back in West LA in the late afternoon. I helped Tina and Andy a little with dinner, but for the most part I simply relaxed and took it easy. I made some phone calls to people I know and wished them a Happy Thanksgiving and I also returned all the text messages I received.

Right now I am uploading the video I shot out at the part and waiting to have dinner with Tina and Andy. In all it was a great day. I got calls from good friends and people who care very much about me. As I sit and type this blog I must admit that I am beginning to cry just a bit because I cant help but think of my Ma and Pops and just how much I really miss them.

I hope all of you have had a great Thanksgiving Day.

Blessings

Today was a pretty easy day for me and for me that is saying a whole lot. I didn’t have much to do other then one set of doctors and then have my blood taken. For the most part I was pretty much chillin all day long.

I did take some time to look up some things on HIV and make sure I am doing all I can to remain healthy. I also spent some time speaking with a friend who is currently going through some very hard times with his wife. She recently told him that she cheated on him and she is now pregnant.

I later went a hunt to find a beanie. Not just any beanie, but one that will keep my head warm. Since I am doing the radiation there is a possibility I might have to cut my hair and it has been getting a bit cooler here in LA. Yes it does get cold here. In fact we got some rain the other day and we might get more. Plus I only have two pairs of shorts, so I really need to try to keep myself as warm as possible. I wan the kind of beanie that has like the part that covers my ears and can tie under my chin. They come in all these really cool and funky colors, but I didn’t find one that I liked nor one I can afford. So I will start my hung again tomorrow in addition to trying to find a cheap and warm pair of pants.

I ended my day on the campus of UCLA by default. I wanted to take in the Getty Center since it is free, but I got started too late. By the time I got close and then waited for the next bus it was almost 5:00PM and they close at 5:30pm, so another time. Since I was close to UCLA and I have never really spent any time in the sculpture garden there I thought since it is a holiday weekend, it would be an awesome time to do so.

I am very glad I did, because the campus was pretty much a ghost town. So not only was I able to take in all the awesome sights in of the garden I was also able t walk through campus and enjoy it as well. I have to admit UCLA does have a beautiful campus and I was able to take what I would say are some pretty cool pictures. It was cool that it was so quiet because I was able to shoot a video for my youtube channel and do some prayer and mediation. That was awesome.

I arrived back in Wes LA right outside of Westwood and had plans to do a night picture safari with a friend, but that didn’t pan out, so I sat with Tina and Andy and together we got my little space set up in the corner of their dining room. I am happy to havee this space because with the rain about to start it sure beats being on the streets. I returned a whole slue of emails and checked approved pictures, comments, videos and members on my network on ning. I then chatted with a friend on yahoo and checked my youtube channel where I had an email from this very cool guy.

He reached out to me after seeing my video on youtube about me talking about when do you tell someone you are HIV positive. He is going through something very close to that right now in his own life. He expressed a need to have someone he could talk things out with. So I contacted him with the information he provided and we chatted on yahoo for about an 45 minutes to an hour. He is a great guy dealing with a great deal and I know all too well how HIV can make you mind go crazy. I also know how the medical profession can also play key roles in making you just as crazy. It was so cool to be able to provide with what works for me and also offer him some advice and information on things available to him right there in his area.

To be honest I really surprised myself. I have only been HIV positive since April of 2008 and as far as having things like the gay community and a great, forget that even an ok HIV doctor hasn’t been something I’ve had the luxury of. For me the gay community has been the worst for me, I’ve had more support and more people from the heterosexual community reach out to me more and provide more assistance. I heard nightmares about how the internet was the last place I should turn to get information on HIV, but for me that wasn’t the case at all. The internet has provided me with a wealth of information and even an outstanding support system from places like “daily strength” and even people who read my blog and watch my youtube channel.

The time I spent chatting with him was awesome and at the end of our chat I offered my email address, cell phone and all else for him to contact me should he need someone to talk with, yell out, cry to and even laugh with. Sometimes we all need someone we can call on in our hour of need and I am glad and honored to be that for him.

Morrover he reminded me that I need to remain proactive in my own HIV care. I reminded me that I too need to remain vigilant and steadfast in my demand for proper medical care when it comes to HIV just like I have with homelessness and treatment for my cancer and sickle cell. I plan to shoot a video tomorrow morning on the beach on the very subject of HIV and I will talk a bit about my chat tonight with my friend Nathan, with his permission.

If you are reading this blog, I ask each of you to pray for Nathan and his boy friend as they about to go through what could be a very hard time for both of them. Ask God to make them both strong and learn how to lean on each other as they have never done before and provide strength and encouragement for each other. Pray that God cast a hedge of protection around both of them an that he provide them both with his favor.

In close I also ask that you remember me in our thoughts and prayers as well. So many of you already do and for this I will be eternally blessed and grateful. I hope you all are well and if not, please let me know so I can add your name to my prayer list. Be sure to check out my new video.

Blessings