Old Blogs from 2008 (December)
// April 23rd, 2010 // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat, Uncategorized
Thankful
Tonight as I lay my head down I am in a space that I haven’t been in for such a long time. I am smiling and my soul feels great. The past week has been awesome. I had some pain, but not much where I’ve had to slow tings down and have been forced to be in bed. This is such a huge blessing.
The fact that I am able to say “be in bed” is so damn huge for me, because now I have the option of staying in bed and resting if this is what I need to do. I am so thankful to God for allowing someone as broke down as me be able to meet such awesome people that I have considered friends for some time now, Tina and Andy and the awesome blessing they have given to me.
They allowed me to house sit while they were out of the country and for those who read this blog and watch my youtube channel, you know I had no place to go after they returned. Well thanks to them I have a safe place to sleep and rest and for this my soul feels so amazing. If you haven’t experienced homelessness then you have no idea what it is like to wonder where you will sleep, who you might have to fist fight with or if another gun will be placed in your face. The things that cross your mind while your on the streets and the many cold long nights where all you can do is cry and search to figure out where you went wrong, when in your heart and mind you know this search will be in vain, because you’ve done nothing wrong. Life has set in and now you must fight with all that is within you, all you have stored up, recalling all the lessons your parents taught you, falling back on all the skills and tools that you thought were worthless to pull yourself through.
Having housing taken away or not offered to you because you didn’t beg enough or weren’t sick enough to qualify and even having the heads of agencies on skid row act as if you have done them a disservice by asking them to provide that which they say they do. The shame and hurt you feel when you cant do what you’ve done for yourself and for many others without fail so may times in the past; provide.
Tina and Andy may never know what they have wakened in me, what they’ve restored and how I feel as if a load that was getting to be so hard to carry and was starting to feel pointless. Not to the point of giving up on me, but on giving up on the fact that I would ever have a place to rest and feel safe again.
Homelessness and all that goes with it; missions, shelters, social workers, Godless meals, Pastors, case managers, city governments, local police, friends and even family all have a way of stripping your self respect, pride and all self worth away day in and day out until there is nothing left but a shell of what once was.
God has provided me with tough skin, for the last 21 months, although tearful, painful, degrading and downright evil at times, I’ve done an awesome job of turning something that would destroy most into a living legacy for myself and a testament to the power of faith and the will not to give up under any circumstances and against all odds.
I lay my head down with a smile knowing that I am still the great man my parents loved and raised, I am still able to do all things and I still matter, my views are still welcomed, but most of off I still have the power to lift my voice and I have learned in 21 months of sickness and homelessness that it is still a very powerful voice, more powerful, polished and positioned to bring about change more so now then when I had a fat bank account. I have learned what real friends are and what they look like and how they will stand with me in my time of need. I have learned what success is, but most of all I have learned how to put myself second even when I am going through all that I am, knowing all along that God will always make a way out of no way.
It’s 12:01AM on Monday December 1, 2008 and in just 18 short days I will celebrate my 40th birthday. (December 19) For the first time in my life I know what is meant when the saints of God say “I’ve got to make 100, because 99 ½ just wont do”
I am thankful for my life and the richness of it. I am blessed by the people that God has allowed to come in and out of my life. I am moved by the mere fact what I have made it my business to do for the past 21 months has touched people, inspired people and yes, even made this race a little easier to run for others.
I am thankful for the road blocks, the “no’s” and the closed doors. They did just what God said they would do, they’ve made me much stronger, wiser and more prepared for the greatness that I am about to walk into.
I am thankful for the hardships, hard times, cancer, sickle cell, HIV, heart infections, staph infections and all else that I’ve had to endure these past 21 months, because they have taught me that greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. All of this has shown me that at the end of the day, it isn’t about how much you have n the bank, where you live and who you think you, but it’s about who you have down on the inside that will keep you in perfect peace. Even in the midst of a HUGE storm.
Yeah, I am smiling right now and I feel great. I have a safe place and God is right this very second making a way for me, clearing a path for my arrival and making sure I arrive in grand style.
I still have a long road ahead and there may still be some hard battles in front of me, but n thing is for sure. I will go through each battle and come forth better, strong and ready to serve and be of service just as God will have me to be.
I would take nothing, for my journey now. My soul is at peace and all is well.
Let the party begin
After 22 long battling months of homelessness, countless fist fights on skid row 13 staph infection, 11 blood and hear infections, HIV, 8 un-honored bed tickets from the Union rescue Mission, deplorable living conditions and beyond cruel treatment from Skid Row Housing Corporation, 45 days in various hospitals, countless food poisonings, rude MTA transit drivers, cold nights on the streets and one attempt at killing myself and a entire battle field of loss, tears, heartache and pain I am happy to announce that I now have housing. YAAAAAAAAY thanks to some awesome friends Tina and Andy who I met through my Do Something Saturday outreach project.
As I approach my 40th birthday a HUGE celebration to be of service to others with my Do Something Saturday Birthday Celebration at 10:00AM at the top of Santa Monica Pier on Saturday December 20th, I also started my own celebration last night on the 12th with my two amazing friends Tina and Andy at an annual “cheap wine” party and man did I have a great time.
The “Cheap Red Wine” party is host by Tina’s friend Rhonda who lives in Marina Del Rey. Let me be the first to tell you that I had a blast at this party. I must say I didn’t know what to expect from the party. Since I had never been there before and this was a friend of a friend I jut knew I wasn’t going to have a good time. Man was I ever wrong. The crowd was just like I loved. Mixed with gays, lesbians and straights the night was awesome and the wine was pretty cool.
The entertainment was great and the conversations were even better. It was a great way to kick off my week long 40th birthday celebration. I must say it was cool to have people come up to me and tell e that they read my blog and really value and look highly upon that work that I am trying very hard to do. It was also very cool to hear people tell me to make sure I take time out for me and how very cool it was to see me out having a great time with friends, laughing and enjoying myself.
The point to the party –for me anyway- was to simply enjoy myself, meet some cool people and enjoy and count all the many blessings God still see fit to bless me with. For me it was a night to celebrate me and all that I stand for and all that I have been able to set into motion over the past 22 months. The many people who I have come into contact with, people and opinions I have managed to change and all the good I have managed to do for people who have less be simply asking people to understand and think about others. I have to tell you that if felt really good to have people tell me that they are now helping homeless people a lot more based on what they have read from my blog.
The entertainment of the night was sweet. To be very honest, they kicked ass. Over the past 22 months I have learned how to be open and accepting of people and new things and ideas. Music as many of you know has long been part of my life. Since I was aa kid I have always loved music. It has also been a huge part of my life and it will always be that way. The band was “Shitting Glitter” sweet name huh? Yeah I know. I don’t recall the other members of the group, but please know they all were very cool and down to earth. However Amy, the lead singer really struck a cord with me, plus the fact that she got me to crack a smile and break out into laughter, so she was cool in my book.
They did a few songs but the one that I loved the most was the one they did about craigslist. Very cool, sexy and in many cases very true. C’on guys don’t even act like you have never done the hook up area of craigslist. I know you have cause I have seen your pics. So don’t act all “holly” on me. LOL. “Shitting Glitter” was just that. “The Shit”
I ended my night with a ride home with my friend Tina and Andy. After a few laughs at home I was ready to call it a night and get ready bed. The first night of my birthday week was underway and I was having a great time so far.
DAY 2
Saturday was very cool. After a night of cheap red wine and some cool people I slept all day long. WOW did I need to do that. I went to the store with Tina around 4:45PM (whole foods) where we picked up some things for me to make a veggie lasagna to go with the bread I had baked the other night. Saturday night was going to be poker night and let me just tell you right now. I am nothing to fool around with on the poker table. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!
The lasagna was awesome. I also warmed up the bread and also made a salad. Tina invited her friend Lourdes over and she provided us with a sweet Dutch Apple pie, but she too was no match for me on the poker table.
After dinner and very quick lesson on how to play Texas Holdem I showed them who was the true KING on the poker table. I smashed all of them. Don’t listen for one second to anything they tell you. They are just upset that I crushed them they way I did.
The dinner conversation was awesome and once again after a while I was ready to head to bed and get ready for yet another awesome day. I was sure to sleep like a baby this night because I had some awesome things to help me sleep well. An awesome day with cool friends.
DAY 3
Sunday started off kind of slow. I started to decline going with Andy to the BP/Pepesi party but I am so glad I didn’t. Tina didn’t join us on this big adventure, so it became boys afternoon out. WOW did Andy and I have a great time.
The party was in West Hollywood at this really cool place. It had an open bar and some sweet DJ’s spinning up some sweet tunes. Man when I heard “It’s tricky to rock a rhyme” by Run DMC I was ready to get my ass to the dance floor.
Andy and I were like two famous celebrities in the house. I wore a pair of slick ass pants that Andy designed and he wore some sweet pants too. People were all over us and the two of us were by far the most popular guys at the party and not because we shopped at Bloomingdales or some BS place like that. Hell we were just two cool kats and it showed.
The party started off kind of weak , but picked up very fast. The crowd was once again just like I like it. Very mixed and this time I didn’t even bother to count the other chips in the cookie because there was plenty. SO THERE. Everyone was cool, down to earth, they all must have been from LA originally, that’s was the only real explanation I could come up with. I mean that many people at a Hollywood party and no fakes or people with a ton of tude, yep they all had to be originally from Cali. (all you busters back up) LOL
This party was so cool it had an open bar and the sexy little lady who kept Andy and I filled to the rim was so nice she walked away with a 20 buck tip. Hey people I even got some phone numbers and was told how very sexy I was. OH YEAH.
The cool thing was once again being able to talk about my Do Something Saturday project and it was also cool to have people come up to me and talk to me about the blog. However the shinning star of the night was my buddy Andy. His designs were a major hit tonight and I was so proud to even be able to have a pair of his pants on.
All night long people asked about the pants I had on and I was more then happy to introduce them to Andy and he was more then happy to talk about his awesome designs. At one point in the night this sexy little lady comes up and asks me. “do you guys go to burning man?” I laughed and said “what makes you ask that?” she pointed to my sexy pants. Again I introduced her to Andrew and he talked about his designs once again.
I got my groove on the dance floor and even mixed it up a little with this sexy chocolate number before I had to let her down and tell her I was gay. She laughed and said “all the good bruthas are baby” Don’t have the playa baby, hate the game. LOL It wasn’t long before I had to sting another little chocolate number with the fact that I am gay.
“You look good Daddy, what’s your name?”
“Ah, thanks baby girl. My name is Kengi. But don’t let the smooth taste full ya. I am gay.” I laughed
“Now aint that a caution?” she laughs back
“No caution at all little lady, just keeping it real and letting you know up front.”
“Well Daddy you sill got it goin on.”
“That’s love.” I said as we both dance for a bit.
The DJ’s of the night were hot and the crowd really was digging them. It was so cool to spend the yet another night with some sexy people who were both cool and HOT and enjoy night three of my birthday celebration.
Andy and I left the venue around 7:30PM and walked down to Santa Monica Boulevard and jumped on the 4 headed back towards Santa Monica. We ended our night with some awesome veggie food from a place Tina had ordered from. I am yawning now and have this huge smile on face.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had this much fun and man do I feel so awesome right now. I met some very cool people tonight and was able to share my mission and parts of my story from the last 22 months. I am looking forward to my Do Something Saturday outreach project on the 20th. I am also looking forward to my small get together with a small group of friends on Friday night the 19th (my 40th)
I hop you enjoy the pics. Sorry I deleted the pics from the wine party. I suck I know, but the pics from the poker night and the BP/PEPSI party are with this blog. To see all of them please visit my network here on ning. http://projectkengikat.ning.com
Blessings
Celebrate my 40th by helping others. PRICELESS
As I get ready to celebrate my 40th birthday I am very careful to remember the any thousands of people who are homeless here in Los Angeles. It was 22 long months of homelessness for me and I am still going to do all I can to help those who truly want to be helped.
The rain has already started to fall here in Sothern California and many homeless people are still faced with sleeping outside in the cold rainy weather. Even with two cold weather shelters open here in the Los Angeles there still aren’t enough shelter beds to house the thousands of homeless people here in LA.
My continuing efforts to provide some assistance to as many people as I can will take place on Saturday, December 20, 2008 at 10:00AM at the top of the Santa Monica Pier. I am asking all who ready my blog and watch my youtube channel to get involved in helping me celebrate by being of service to those who have less. The following items are requested
Do Something Kits include:
Do Something Kits include the following items:
• New pairs of socks
• Granola, power, protein or cliff bars
• bar soap or body wash
• hand or face towels
• tooth brushes and tooth paste
• mouth wash
• deodorant
• bottle water
• beanies (hats)
• shampoo and conditioner
• hand lotion
• large zip lock bags
• Hand Sanitizer
• Small first aid kit
• Gloves
• Any other winter item you feel will help someone get through this cold winter on the streets
We are looking to provide bag lunches. Please make certain the bag lunches are healthy and filling. This may be the only meal a homeless person get on this day.
Please get in touch with me for ways you can drop off your donations or participate in my 40th birthday celebration. kengikat@gmail.com or visit the website for all the details on the event www.dosomethingsaturday.org
Blessings
Kengi
One Nation
It’s Tuesday the 16th of December and I am sitting in front of a Christmas tree in the apartment I’ve been asked to share with my two friends Tina and Andy and their roommie, now someone I too consider a friend Jason. It’s about 5 minutes to 4:00PM and I will soon walk into Andy’s room and turn on the TV and look at the channel 7 eyewitness news. I just got home from talking to homeless people along the beach in Santa Monica.
If someone told me 22 months ago that I would be one those people I would have laughed at them. But here I sit some 22 months later and just a few short weeks of having a great place to live and homelessness seems to be behind me. I know you might be asking what I have learned and what I would change. Well I have learned a great deal about life and myself and as far as changing things I wouldn’t change a thing. This 22 month journey was no walk in the park and most of it was filled with pain and tears and some pretty nasty fist fights. It also brought with it a hard fought battle with cancer my 5th time around, nasty sickle cell attacks and HIV. There were 16 Staph infections and two heart infections, but looking back I wouldn’t change a single thing.
The reason I wouldn’t change a thing is because this journey has shaped me into the man I am today. Stronger, wiser, better prepared and more aware of just how things really are. It’s also allowed me to meet some pretty awesome people, not just people like Tina, Andy and Jason, but some very cool homeless people as well. In addition I learned something I don’t think I would have ever learned about myself. Although it was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I did learn that I am fully able to survive without the large bank account I once had and all that went along with it. I learned that my parents raised a man who is caring and compassionate towards his fellow man. I also learned something I already knew. I have a HUGE heart and even when it is suffering is still has the capacity to reach out to others and do it’s best to make a real and lasting difference.
It’s just shy of three days before I turn 40 years old. I am five years beyond what Sickle Cell says I would have lived to be and two years past the UCLA cancer team telling me I had just 6 to 8 months to live with my cancer. It’s funny how God just steps in and make a joke out of doctors and all their “science” and “training”
So as I turn 40 this Friday and spending some time with my friends and then ahead to Saturday and my Do Something Saturday outreach project at the Santa Monica Pier (www.dosomethingsaturday.org for all the details) I am very content and happy with how things have turned out for me. However my heart is still with all the many people who still have to suffer through homelessness for any amount of time on the streets anywhere in this country.
Even though I am inside now and safe I will still continue to work even hard now to make a real difference for people living through homelessness and those living HIV/AIDS. I will become more proactive, vocal and focused on my resolve to make things better for those who have less and those who suffer from HIV/AID
S with no medical care.
In the coming months I will be working toward filing my non-profit status for my foundation I named in honor of my grandparents The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation, I will look for ways of getting my photography into studios or up in an online gallery to generate a stable income for myself. I will also work harder towards my monthly Do Something Saturday outreaches.
My short term goals are to get a new bike to restore my daily outreaches along Santa Monica and Venice Beaches and a new laptop.
As far as my health goes I will continue to be proactive in making certain that not just myself, but all those who are poor and low income like me.
Just because I now have housing my mission is far from over, my work is far from done, the lessons I learned over the past 22 months has only shown me that I have keep fighting this fight not for me, but for everyone.
As I look at our nation I see so much progress. We have as a nation elected a black man into the most powerful place in this nation, some would even argue the world. But I also see so many areas where we still have such a long way to go. Gay marriage, let’s call it what it is people “discrimination” and any form or discrimination has no place in this country. I don’t care how you feel about gays and lesbians discrimination is discrimination no matter how you look at it.
Two weeks ago someone told me
“I know what it’s like to bleed on the streets K and I know what homelessness is like and it wasn’t that bad………you make everything an indictment……..you make things worse.”
For the record this person is black with AIDS and failing kidney’s. the very last person I would think to hear such crap from.
I recall it was mostly blacks who told King to leave things alone. Not to rock the boat. “we’re fine with a few lynching here and there. Crosses burned in our yards every now and then………don’t make things worse.”
I am not saying I am anything like King, nor am I as eloquent, nor will I ever speak as well as he or suffer the way he and his family did. I am saying this. Change calls for someone to take a stand, someone to take the lead, someone to be out front. Change is hard and comes at a price. In 22 months I have lost friends, had people spit in my face, have had housing refused to me simply because I demanded what I and others are entitled to. I am asking for people and places to be accountable.
It is never ok for anyone in any part of this country to bleed in the street or be forced to turn tricks for a place to sleep. Homeless people should be forced to sleep outside the shelter they came to seeking a place to lay down.
We’ve made so much progress in some areas, but we still have so far to go in other areas and each of us has a responsibility to make sure that no one has their rights trampled on for any reason at any time, no matter if they are gay, straight, homeless, black or white.
Someone told me this is supposed to be ONE NATION my fight is to make damn sure that it is just that. ONE NATION UNDER GOD INDIVISABLE WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
Happy Holidays everyone and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!
The Getty Center
So I am 40 years old today. Last night I went to bed feeling bad after I bumped into my friend Jack and my Sickle Cell was bugging me a bit. All night I ha this really bad pain in my tummy so I didn’t get to sleep until well after 3:00AM.
However this morning I woke and I was feeling a little bit better and it’s my birthday so I had to get up, get out and DO SOMETHING for me. So after I spent time returning all my warm birthday wishes from so many people from all over the country and outside the country as well and after I spoke to some friends on the tele, I made my way to the shower and got ready to head to the Getty Center just over the hill.
I grew up in Santa Monica, born and raised just like my parents were, so The Getty was in Malibu right off Pacific Coast Highway (PCH). Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School District is big on the ARTS, so the Getty was a destination since I was a small child. Even with my family. The Getty in Malibu holds some pretty special memories for me and today the NEW Getty Center hold some pretty awesome ones as well.
I walked out the door and took the 720 Metro to Westwood. Home of the lousy ucla bruins, but we wont talk about them. From there I got on the 761 Metro that drops you off right at the entrance to The Getty Center. Taking the bus is really the way to get to the Getty Center. Admission is free and I have a bus pass so it didn’t cost me a single cent to have this awesome adventure. There is parking at the Getty, I believe it’s $10 or $15 bucks. If you’re in the West LA, Westwood, Brentwood, Santa Monica or Venice areas Metro or Big Blue are really the best way to get to the Getty. Plus you get to spend time with people you are going with to the Getty. However I went ALONE. No better date then myself.
There is a tram that takes you from the parking area to the top of the hill. You can also opt to walk the quarter mile uphill trek. Once you get to the tram landing there is a awesome sculpture garden. Wow this was so awesome and the views on a day like today of the mountains were just beautiful. I am sure you can tell why I love SoCal so much just by the pictures and why so many people want to live here and why SoCal is home to so many people. I mean where else can you drive 45 minutes to an hour and play in the snow and the drive back and lay out on the beach? Just here baby.
The ride up the tram is cool and I was able to get some sweet pics going up and down while I was at the Getty Center. Once I reached the top I had made some friends in the car I was in and I even had 4 fans in the car with me.
“Happy Birthday Kengi. It’s so nice to see that smile in person.” The lady called out to me.
“Hey thanks, how did you know my name and that it’s my birthday?” I smiled bigger
“Well I watch your youtube channel.” She answers
“And I read your blog.” Her boyfriend rings in.
“We do both.” His parents say laughing.
“WOW, thanks so much for reading and watching. You guys rock.” I said smiling so big my teeth felt like they would pop out.
“Cool he does so that in real life.” the boyfriend says and they all laugh.
“Say what?” I asked with this puzzled look.
“You Rock.” They all say together and then we all laugh.
“Awesome, cool beans you guys do read and watch. That’s so cool”
They were all laughing again and I just knew it was because I said awesome and cool beans so I laughed with them saying
“Awesome and cool beans right?”
“That right.”
Once at the top they wished me a happy birthday and told me to keep up the good work. They also told me that they had plans to try to make the Do Something Saturday tomorrow, but what touched my heart the most was this.
“Kengi, I’ve gained a new outlook and respect for black men and gay men such as yourself. I’ve have never had anyone affect my life as much as you have this past year. You are a real inspiration to me….to all of us and each night I find myself going to your blog and reading it. It’s something that I have to do nightly. It is such a honor to shake your hand and meet the man I have so much love and respect for.”
I was stunned and tears began to fall. If you read my blog I am a big cry baby, so this should come as no surprise to anyone who reads or watches my blog or youtube channel.
He grabbed me and gave me this hug. I didn’t think he would let go. When he did I saw tears in his eyes. He put his hand in mine and said “Thank you”
“No worries man. I am just doing what God has given me to do. Thanks very much for honoring me and my work. YOU ROCK!!!!”
“Man I don’t kiss my father, but I am going to kiss you. I hope you don’t mind”
“Dude I am gay and you are smoking hot. Kiss me all you want.” We all laughed
“Happy Birthday Kengi. YOU ROCK!!!!” they yelled.
I had to sit down and collect myself. I never once thought that my simple blog or basic youtube channel would reach or touch as many people as it has. I never thought that people would read or watch the way they are and by this I am so blessed and the people who need it the most, homeless people, low income families, seniors and those living with HIV/AIDS tell me all the time.
“You’re making a great difference”
After a few minutes of sitting there and thanking God I got up and took in the beauty of the mountain top and shot a video that is now on youtube. Please excuse the quality. I tried to shoot in a different setting that I wont try again. One of my goals is to get a camera specifically for video shooting for my youtube and my foundation.
I wasn’t able to take pics inside the Getty. Although I saw many people breaking the rules and doing so, I wasn’t going to be one of them. I did however spend about an hour outside on the grounds of the Getter Center taking what I think are some pretty awesome shots.
The Getty Center is simply amazing the views from both inside and our are stellar. If you even get to SoCal and of you life here and haven’t been, please make a point of getting to the Getty Center.
While the art inside was simply outstanding and parts of the Getty was almost like walking back into time I was also very impressed with the grounds. They are just are stellar and magnificent as the art that hangs inside these pristine buildings.
The end of my day was spent in what I would a very peaceful and tranquil area. This area is filled with amazing views and spectacular vegetation. Tress with bursting pomegranates and bright red roses. Colors that just POP out at every turn and then the cool places to sit and take in all of the absolute beauty of this awesome place. All under the careful watch of God.
I hope you enjoy the pics and this blog entry as well as the poor quality video from the Getty Center. Do yourself a HUGE favor and come see why I love SoCal and why the Getty Center ROCKS!!!!
I mist drink my hot teach, shit, shower and shave. I have a BIG night a head of me. To all my friends on Vlogger Heads and my Crazy Sexy Life and I cant forget my awesome community on Project KengiKAT, I wish you all the best this holiday season has to offer and pray the goodness and fullness of God shines bright on your paths. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I will do the same for you.
To my friend Alan you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through a difficult time and to my girl Bren you are too in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you all the Best for your outreach to homeless people in your area. Cant wait to hear all about it.
Blessings
Awesome Birthday, Do Something Saturday Weekend
WOW what a truly amazing 40th birthday weekend I had thanks to my awesome friends Tina and Andy for a fun filled, jam packed, gut busting good old time. Then so many of you right here on Project KengiKAT, Vlogger Heads, My Crazy Sexy Life and yes even some cool friends from Daily Pics joined in to wish me a Happy Birthday and major success with my Do Something Saturday and I am so blessed by all of you.
As many of you know for the last 22 months I have lived here in Los Angeles homeless after taking my Pops for three years until he died in my condo, my 5th battle with cancer and my never ending battle with Sickle Cell exhausted all my money in both checking, saving and emergency stashes. February 3, 2007 something I never thought for one secod would happen to me, happened. I became homeless and found out first hand that things aren’t as they seem. Homeless people aren’t as lazy as most of us think and the entire myth that homeless people are drugs, drug addicts, criminals and crazy just isn’t true. Furthermore all the places like Salvation Army, The Goodwill and other places like missions and shelters as well as places such as DPSS and other government run agencies do far more harm and in my eyes prolong homeless with programs and solutions that are designed to fail the very people they are supposed to serve.
In April just when I thought things couldn’t get worse I became diagnosed as HIV positive and what took place after this was nothing short of a nightmare. Again I was faced with the rude awakening that even places in the gay and lesbian community designed to help people who are homeless and dealing with HIV are also failing just as badly as mainstream America and there doesn’t seem to be any real rush to assist people who are poor and in bad need of assistance.
Sickle Cell said my life expectancy was 35. I am now 5 years beyond this and just a little over 2 years ago a cancer team from UCLA Medical Center told me I had about 6 to 8 months to live with my cancer. There was nothing more they could do. It is very interesting to not that it was doctors and staff at Harbor UCLA medical Center that told my HIV was a “blessing” and “as an HIV patient so many doors would be open” This same center would later refuse to see me as an HIV patient until I could afford to pay for services. A representative from the hospital named Charmaine said the County is not obligated to pay medical bills of people who are poor or homeless and unable to pay. She says they have the right to refuse service to anyone. She went on to saya that free medical care at county hospitals only applies to the emergency room. Moreover it was Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center that released me from their hospital telling me that there was nothing wrong heart and again Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center that refused to see me through the ER after I had passed out while trying to see a doctor at the Venice Family Clinic. Does anyone see the four letter repeated time and again here? They don’t just have a lousy football team. UCLA also has a lousy reputation when it comes to serving the poor community and the homeless of LA County. If fact it’s Harbor UCLA that allowed a person to walk out of the ER and drop dead at Jack-n-the-Box trying to get food.
In addition to battling sickness, I was too battling things like a system in place to serve poor and homeless that is beyond repair and in desperate need of a major overhaul. The old guard has failed and it’s time for it’s removal at all levels. Our medical professionals are more obsessed with profits and how quick they can flip a bed instead of the oath they all took to first do no harm. This profession is now run by drug companies that block such things like Stem Cell Research, and other important live saving well known treatments and cures for Cancer and other deadly diseases. Our government on all levels also plays key roles in making sure the American public remains in the dark and confused about such things. Homelessness is such a hot button topic that not one person that ran for the highest office in the land even mentioned it. Not even President Elect Obama.
Turning 40 years old was more then a milestone for me. It was nothing short of a miracle ordered by God. 22 months of homelessness is now behind me and even though I still have a very long road on my way back to good health and even further from finding a HIV doctor that will treat me, I am still standing strong. Over the past 22 months I have been down, but not out, shattered, but far from broken, wounded but time and God will heal. Long were the night and all the tears I cried and dark were the days with no sun in the sky. But I pressed on always trusting and believing that the God I love and serve would one day open a door that man would not be able to slam in my face and he has done just that. My prayer for 22 months was that God would be a fence all around me and I asked him to protect me as I sought out shelter, food and warmth. I asked him to be my strong tower, my wheel in the middle of the wheel, my alpha and omega, my doctor in a sick room, my refuge in the time of sorrow, my all and all. If my Lord does nothing else for me he has already done more then enough. Would you agree?
Friday morning I woke up smiling big, knowing that I am more then a conqueror. I had made it to 40 and the storm of 22 months was starting to fade. I had friends who loved me FOR ME, not who they want me to be or thought I needed to be. I had people praying for me, not because I am so great, but because they know my heart. God had shown me favor not because I am so faithful and it not because I always obey and it’s not because I’ve always trusted him to lead me all the way. But it’s because he loves me so dearly, he’s always been there to answer my call, he was there always to keep me and protect me and he’s kept me, someone so broke down, in the midst of it all. I was 40 and for the first time in a very long time the tears falling from my eyes had nothing to do with being sick and not knowing if the pain in my chest would kill me, the tears weren’t from my Sickle Cell, but tears of joy and thankfulness. This time the tears were a testament to me and they were tears of victory for me. They were tears of “thank you” to my Ma and Pops not for just giving me some tools, but all the tools needed to come through the last 22 months without a fancy BMW or Audi, without a loft or condo and goobedy gobs of money in the bank.
Those tears soon became laughter when I thought of all the people who said I would never make it, doctors who gave up, friends who turned their backs, people pointing their fingers and all ya’ll who told me “no” for not other reason then you’re just a complete evil asshole. Laughter at all the people who said my mission was stupid and who did I think I was for thinking someone like me could actually make a HUGE impacted and difference for people who are suffering. I laughed at people like Scott from Aids Service Center who told me “You have no choice and you should be happy you’re talking to me” I laughed harder at people and staff from places like the Union Rescue Mission who said the bed tickets issued by their staff were “bogus” and “you made this” and I laugher got louder with my laughter when I thought of people parading as friends telling me that my mission to help people was nothing more then an indictment and that I was the sole reason for my suffering.
“Fuck all you haters” is what I mumbled as I got out of bed. “Nothin but a bunch of bustas” LOL
If you read my blog last week then you know I spent the first part of my day alone at the amazing Getty Center and just like I blogged last week, growing up in Santa Monica the ONLY Getty was the one in Malibu. So for me to spend my 40th birthday in the NEW Getty was simply awesome.
The sights both inside and out were sheer beauty and if you saw the pictures then you know why I love SoCal so much and it will always be my home. Like my parents and grand parents and my great grandparents Santa Monica California will always be my home property owner or homeless. This is my home and I will not be forced out of it by anyone other then God. My parents told me to always stand up for what is right and don’t give up on justice and I have always done just that. This is what the last 22 months has been about not just for me, but for those who don’t have a voice or those who have a voice that places and Cities like Santa Monica do their best to squash and silence.
Once back home I shot a video and took a look at some amazing birthday wishes from people from all over the globe. My friend on Vlogger Heads Lima took the lead in putting together this Happy Birthday video message for me from people from all over the globe. I nearly fell down on my knees crying because once again my heart had been filled and I couldn’t contain myself. The tears fell even more when I read messages from people in Vlogger Heads, My Crazy Sexy Life and Project KengiKAT. This only grew when I opened my email and youtube channel and more so when I opened Facebook. It is so strange and awesome to me that I have touched and affected so many people in so many different corners of this country and then outside the country as well.
There were people who I had never received a “Hello” from wishing someone like me a Happy Birthday. But it was so much deeper then that. These people were all saying they same things. How my work is of value, how they love and respect me and it wasn’t fake or a lip service to me. The messages touched me and blessed me and to all of you I want to express my thanks from my soul. You’ve EMPOWERED me to move forward with my work, you’ve managed to heal parts of me that I thought would never heal. My heart that I felt was so hardened from all the pain, anger, disappointment, loss of loved ones and hurt from 22 months of homelessness.
I took a fast shower and Tina and I headed out to have dinner at the Galley Steak House in Santa Monica on Main Street. This is one of my favorite places. My parents use to take me there as a kid. Since Tina and I were the only ones having dinner, she was going to treat me to this very special place. It was cool because Tina had never been there before.
The Galley is cool, very BRIGHT inside and saw dust on the floor. It’s very much a local hangout. When ever I go there I always bump into someone I know. So why should my birthday night be any different. We were able to get seated right away on the patio and as we walked by this one table I thought I heard someone call my name, but I was talking, but then I heard it again.
“Kengi”
This time I turned to look and WOW, to my surprise were two people I have only known for a short while, however they have quickly become two people I think are pretty damn cool. Krystle and her husband Patrick were already seated. They asked us to join them and we gladly accepted. The dinner was awesome, conversation cool and very funny at points and hey I even got some information on this site called 365. It’s a photography site that Patrick told me about over dinner. I have had so many people tell me how good some of my pictures are and that I should look into maybe making some money from some of them. So I am going to check out this site. I believe it was through flikr.
After dinner we headed over to Bay Shore Bowl where my party took place. Please see the photo album on my facebook page for all the cool pictures. Once at the bowling alley we linked up with Ryan and Monia. I met there two not long ago as well and they to have become two very special people in my life. They found me on the NING network where I maintain my blog network. Ryan found me on the Serve LA network and sent me a message. He expressed an interest in wanting to help me in some way. We later met at Denny’s in Santa Monica. They treated me to dinner and this is where I met his beautiful girlfriend Moina.
Ryan and Moina are awesome and it’s because of Ryan that I now have an awesome website www.dosomethingsaturday.org. He has done all the work and maintains as well as updates the site for me. it was also Ryan and Moina who single handedly helped me with my first and only Do Something Saturday in Long Beach California when I was staying at Project New Hope that I later left. It was also the first time I used Do Something Saturday to reach out to people living with HIV/AIDS. The outreach in Long Beach was a HUGE success.
Andy was already at the party before I had even arrived. So we joined him in the lounge where we all talked, laughed took pictures and shared in my birthday celebration. Then it was time for EXTREME BOWLING and man did I have a great time. Again for pics please check facebook. If you need the link, email me.
That was the best birthday party in such a long time. I shared it with some amazing people having a great time laughing and enjoying myself. I guess you can say we closed down the bowling alley. We were some of the last people out the door.
OH WAIT, let me talk about my gifts. Tina anad Andy got me something that I really needed. I warmer, sexy fleece pullover to give the OLDER one I have a much needed break. WOW was I happy to get that. Then there was the cool gift I got from Ryan and Moina. The church they attend give out these HUGE duffle bags jammed pack with all sorts of much needed items for homeless people. I believe they give out two thousand such bags to men woman and kids. Guys I just strong enough to carry this huge bag. In fact, Ryan and Andy helped me carry out when we left. Well they carried it for me. LOL.
I also got some much needed cash from Krystle and Patrick. This night was truly amazing and I am so hapy I was able to spend it with some amazing people. Huge thanks to Tina for working so hard at putting this all together for me. Tina and Andy are the true meaning of FRIENDSHIP and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Get into it.
Saturday December 20, 2008 was part two of my 40th Birthday celebration. However this time it wasn’t about me. it was about helping people tat have far less and need some love and support. Yeah I was at it again. Do Something Saturday was in full effect and this time it had such a special meaning to me. For the first time since I started the program I wasn’t wondering where I was going to sleep that night and if I would have to fight later on. I wasn’t worried about where I sat my backpack down with my medical paperwork and laptop in it. Yep this time was very different. It was more then a milestone it was a celebration of my life and a tribute to the man I am quickly becoming.
I started the day checking emails and facebook for people who might be coming to help out and needed directions. There were more birthday wishes from people from all over the globe and more videos from people wishing me a Happy Birthday. I was so touched. I had to very special messages that really made me smile so big. The messages came from two people I met way back in 7th grade when I was in Jr High School at Lincoln in Santa Monica Ca. Although many of my childhood friends had reached out and said they would with the outreach, when the rubber met the road only two people put their money where they mouth is. Stephanie and Neda. Together with donations from Tina, Andy and myself, combined with those from Stephanie, Neda and clothes from Daniel and Kimarie my outreach was able to reach about 150 homeless people in Santa Monica.
The day was so moving and so touching. I was so happy to have had shared it with such cool people doing such an amazing thing for people who so much less then most. There was one point of the day that really touched my heart and I had to walk away because I was so filled with joy that I began to cry. It was the point where my friend Stephanie shared something so very personal and moving in a video I was shooting for youtube. She has no idea of just how much she warmed my heart and soul and how honored I was that she would share something so personal with my youtube community and my friends all over the globe.
I was also able to shoot some other video that day. One with two homeless people, one with Daniel and one with Neda and Stephanie that I still am trying to get uploading to my computer, for some reason the windows uploading loads 100% of it but the crashes. If anyone has a solution or a better program for me to use to upload video please let me know. Window is a HUGE pain.
Just when I though we were almost done. My friends Tina and Andy come through with the rest of my birthday cake and She and I pass it out to the homeless people still sitting in the park at the top of the Santa Monica Pier with us. It was so cool to be able to pass out cake from my 40th birthday and see the smile on the faces of homeless people who were really in need. I think we ate just about half the cake the night before and passed out the other half to homeless people in Santa Monica. How’s that for a sweet treat?
The day wasn’t over yet and neither was my 40th birthday celebration. Tina, Andy, Neda, Stephanie, her son Niko and I headed to 3rd Street Promenade to Barney’s Beanery for something to eat. WOW all I can say is that things got that much better. I was able to talk and catch up with some people from childhood, laugh and have a great time. I was even able to school Stephanie’s kid in the game of Gallega. This was after Andy took him to the wood shed in other games.
Just when I thought I was approaching the end of my day once again it took another very cool turn. Neda had to go pay a bill and Stephanie was going with her. However Niko and I were playing a game and he also reminded Neda and I that we promised him a ride on the Ferris wheel. I wasn’t going to let him down. I had some cash from Krystle and Patrick. I looked at the ladies and offered to meet them at the Pier once we finished our game. It was cool. Niko finished getting his butt kicked at Gallega abd then challenged my to shuffle board upstairs. He lost there too. LOL. We back downstairs and joined Tina and Andy and headed down to the Pier.
Tina and andy had some much needed errands to run so once we reached the parking lot of the Santa Monica Place Mall now under major construction we walked the last block down to the Santa Monica Pier where we met up with Neda and Stephanie. They had already got tickets for the ride No I am very much afraid of heights. So I wasn’t planning on getting on this ride, but the ladies and Niko were not letting me off so easy. I really hope Stephanie has no youtube channel to share me screaming while we were on the ride.
It was an all around good time. We took pictures, laughed and had so much fun catching up and getting to know each other all over again. We talked about the fun we had growing up in Santa Monica and the fact that we are all so blessed to be able to have grown up in such an awesome place. I can’t ell you guys how very cool it felt to laugh and talk and not have a worry about a single thing. It was also very cool to share things from the past 22 months that I felt was with people who truly care and understand, but most of all respect me.
As the sun made her amazing dip into the pacific just like she always does we made our way off the Santa Monica Pier and my day was coming to a close. I said my goodbyes to Stephanie and her son Niko in the parking lot of the Santa Monica Place and Neda gave me a ride home. I was sort of sad that the day was ending and the time I had spent with two awesome people from my childhood was coming to a close, but we all agreed to stay in close touch and they both expressed that to very much be part of my life and my outreach effort.
Once back at the apartment, Neda jumped out and we hugged. I thanked her for all she did and expressed that I wanted to see her again just like I had expressed to Stephanie before we parted back at the Santa Monica Place. Neda smile that awesome smile and we agreed to make it happen soon.
As I walked toward the gate of the apartment tears began to fall down my face again. for the 4th or 5th time. You guys know how much of a cry baby I am. I had so much on my mind. I was happy, something I hadn’t felt in such a long time. My soul was recharged and in good spirits and if you read my blog or watch my youtube channel you know my soul was very much wounded. As I reached for the gate I could hear my Ma and Pops saying how very proud they are of me and how much good I am doing not just for homeless people, people with HIV/AIDS and poor people, but to people from all walks of life.
I started to recall things I had been told time and time again over my 40 years
“Be still boy” Nana (my great grandma)
“God has big plans for you.” Grandpa
“God is all over you. You just don’t know it yet.” Grandma
“To whom much is given, much is required.” Ma
“Even when you’re sick, you make me feel so good with that smile.” Dr. Hubbard
“Believe that you are special in every way. There is no one like you son and God has a great work for you to do. Answer when you are called baby.” Aunt Shirley
“You got Fields blood in that body. Act like you know it.” Big Mama
“Little Professor, God has some greatness in you. Be ready when he calls.” Pastor Reece
“Give from you heart son and always give in love and out of respect.” Ma
“Kengi, God don’t make junk” Tina
“We’re on our way Kengi. We’ll be there soon.” Andy
“I have a good son that I am so proud of” Pops (before he passed)
“Sang it for ya Father boy. Just sang it.” Church member at Pops home going service
“You were his joy. He loved you so much. You made him so proud and we both love you” Ma at Pops grave the day of her service
“She loved you so much and she was so proud of you. Now carry on the greatness they have empowered you with son.” Mama Fannie at Ma’s service
Once up the stairs and through the doors I once again cried and laughed and gave thanks for this incredible journey over the past 22 months, but also over the last 40 years. For a kid that wasn’t supposed to even be here, ya see Ma’s tubes were tied and Sickle Cell tried to take my life at a very early age. I didn’t walk until I was almost 5 years old, but the minute I did. Ma and Pops told me how I use to always RUN like I was making up for lost time. How everything I did seemed URGENT and most be done well.
As a kid I never knew what “answer the call” or “God has a calling on your life” meant and to be honest I avoided it at every turn. I never wanted to be the voice I am now. I never wanted to task I now must carry through. But I did tell God a long time ago
“Any way laid out, I’ll go. If you need somebody Lord I’ll go and if nobody else wants to go, it’s ok Lord, it’s alright send me.”
I had no idea that speaking that would lead me to where I am today. I never wanted to be a leader or an inspiration to anyone. All I ever wanted to do was make my parents happy. I live for them, my life is in honor of them. I never wanted to stand up for anyone, but looking back over my life from the very time I spoke at the Santa Monica Board of Education way back in 6th grade asking them not to end Camp Canyon Meadows to playing Jesus in the Easter play at church “The Risen Christ” to the first time I played the piano or lifted this voice in song. From speaking in Sacramento on behalf of childcare centers, to speaking in Washington for rights of blacks in prison. From cancer at 21 and 5 times after and from the first time I lifted my voice in protest at Saint Joseph Center in Venice where the guard refused to let me allow a woman and her children have my shower slot to the this past weekend for Do Something Saturday. God has been molding me and shaping me into the man I am today.
I am not a great man, please don’t give me that cross to bear, as I do not want it. Don’t call me a Saint, because I will let you know where to get off. Don’t place me on some pedestal destined to fall once you see my flaws. Nope just leave my little ass down here with the real people simply trying to make a difference in a world for people who really need some real change. I not talking about a Black man in the white house either. My Mission is to try to help people who need help. People who many cities and a great number of people consider worthless, criminal and scum. I do this because my parents told me I was no better then the man laying in the gutter, I was no different then the man sleep on the park bench, so I never learned how to look down on people or act like I was someone better then them simply because I had things they did not. So when my life took the turns it did I held on because I know I was worthy and I knew I was just as deserving as the person sitting at the table of good and plenty. I once sat at that table, but the difference between me and most of the people who sit at the table of good and plenty I am not afraid to allow my flaws to show. I am not afraid to see that the people on the outside looking in are reflections of me.
It’s very easy to sit back and make comments about people you think are under you and easier to say things like “homeless people are catered to” and form programs that do not serve all. It’s harder to stand on the front line and be part of the change for all people.
Some of us will never know suffering, pain, sorry and what it is like to turn a trick to have a place to sleep. Some will never know why that lady hides her child in the alley and gives blow jobs so her child can have clean clothes and a warm place to sleep. Some will never try to understand why my friend jack killed himself or even ask “can I help stop this?” Most will always live in a fairytale never never world where race and color don’t matter. I live in a country and world that says it does matter. A country that forces it down my throat every single day without fail. I can’t afford those glasses that let me see things through rose colored lenses or live in a world where I can ignore the elephant that is in the room because I am too focused on the flies around his ass. I live in a world where I want to one day be able to say. “wow, do fixed that and color doesn’t matter anymore.” But until we fully address situations and issues that hold us back and prevent us from getting there, many of us cant go skipping to the Lou into the rainbow filled sky where everyone is grey, but you still hold the head seat at the table.
“Thank you for caring and God Bless you.” Homeless person, Saturday, December 20 2008.” Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people outreach.
P.S. If you would like to view the photos from my awesome weekend, please ask me for a link to my facebook albums.
Aslo I have 12 Do Something Kits that I will deliver to people living with HIV/AIDS. If you’re in LA and wish to go with me, please get in touch with me.
Thank you
Many, Many, Many Thanks
Well another Do Something Saturday has come and gone and once again I was able to reach out and help those in need. I want to extend my heart thanks to all who supported me in this very special effort.
As many of you know I started Do Something Saturday while I was homeless here in Santa Monica where I was born and raised and continued it for my entire 22 months of homelessness. All while battle cancer, sickle cell, heart infections, staph infections and HIV. It also was my 40th birthday weekend.
Through this outreach I have been able to make some people who have nothing more then the things in their bags or the clothes on their back feel a little bit better about their situation. Thanks to many of you this program created by someone who is dealing with so much has been a huge success.
Tina, Andy, Ryan, Moina, Neda, Stephanie, Niko, Daniel, Kimarie and Halima thanks very much for you donations for this effort. At last count we reached 156 homeless people in Santa Monica and 15 people living with HIV/AIDS in Los Angeles with Do Something Kits, clothes, food.
To all of you who sent your prayers and wishes for a successful event from all over the globe and say THANK YOU.
Please visit my photo gallery on facebook for the pictures from this event and remember you can always support the Do Something Saturday outreach by donating items, making a donations through paypal or by buying Do Something Saturday gear online.
Please note. February 3, 2009 will mark the year birthday of my foundation and the Do Something Saturday Project. Please stay check the website often for all the details. Start your efforts to raise supplies for Do Something Kits, gloves, hats or buy official Do Something Saturday apparel online. Check website for details. www.dosomethingsaturday.org
May God bless all of you and Merry Christmas from all of us here at The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation.
Happy Holidays
Kengi
My Big Adventure
Candy Cane Lane
How many of us as kids played the game Candy Cane Lane? How many were blessed enough to grow up with Candy Cane Lane at Christmas time?
I was one of those kids. Well for many years right here in SoCal the spirit of Christmas comes to life. While we may not get snow here in Los Angeles, we sure know how to deck the halls and jingle the bells.
From Downtown LA to the shores of Santa Monica. From Malibu to the South Bay, SoCal knows how to celebrate Christmas in grand style. One of the places I will highlight in this blog is the best kept secret in LA.
Just south of LAX is a small middle class community of Elsegundo. It’s made up of mainly single family homes with some stylish apartments thrown in for good measure. Now granted I not sure on what the long term health affect are from all the jet fuel fumes or the fact that the Chevron refinery is also located there, but for over 50 years this very small and cool area has thrown one hell of a Christmas light show.
This was my first time going to see the lights and man oh man was I ever impressed. I was a bit let down with only one thing of my entire experience with the time I spent there. I am a HUGE fan on trains. My Grandpa had 16 trains in what was called his “play room” As a kid I would love to sit in there for hours and play with all the trains and arrange things with him. It is one of my many awesome childhood memories.
There is a house that has a HUGE train display and I was so looking forward to seeing it. However the fear of rain wouldn’t make this so, while they did set up their display, the trains were not in service. In fact they weren’t even on the tracks, they were out of service and out of sight. The entire display was covered in clear plastic.
However while theirs would have been the most impressive train display, they weren’t the only ticket in town on Candy Cane Lane. With the threat of rain one brave family not only set up their yard and had their trains zooming all over the tracks, they also left the display uncovered by plastic. SWEET. All kidding aside, I am sure the family that didn’t have their trains running did so with good reason and what they had out, while it was covered was still amazing. I was able to get some cool pics of the tracks.
The Grinch, Peanuts gang, Daffy, Bugs and all the gang were all decking the halls of this cul-de-sac. Along with Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, reindeer and every single Christmas cartoon character you can think of were all present.
The airport display in one yard was awesome. It showed that here in LA who dot dream of a White Christmas, we dream of a BLUE Christmas with crisp clear sun filled blue skies. This was one of my favorite displays.
The entire street was decked out and I was very happy to have had the chance to see it. The houses that were the coolest to me were those who bucked tradition and kept in step with the real meaning of CHRISTmas. There weren’t many, but I saw one yard with the Nativity scene and one other with the Three Wise Men.
Tonight I will go to Venice and take in yet another awesome light show in the heart of the Venice Canals. I also hope to take in the Nativity display in Santa Monica if it is still up. There was much protest about it, because it’s City property. However there are Menorah’s up all over Santa Monica on City Property as well as LA with no protest.
I really hope I am able to share this amazing display that is done my all churches and faiths in the Santa Monica area. It has long been a HUGE part of my life. Since I was a child I enjoyed this display along the cliff over looking the beach in Santa Monica.
In close I ask that each of you remember my friend Alan Williams who has lost his Father. Pray for his comfort and healing in this hour of dispear. I met Alan on Vlogger heads and since the word GO he has been so amazing to me. Please hold him and his family up in prayer.
Good night and God Bless
Night 2 Christmas Eve
I know you guys get tired of hearing me say this, but this is a hard time of year for me. So much has happened in my life and it seems like, the wheels fell off right around this time of year. So it’s just a bad time of year for me. I know I may seem like and might even act like Superman, the truth is I’m not. There are times when all I do is cry.
Christmas Eve started out as one of those days. Ya know the kind tat we all go through. One of those days that you really don’t want to take out on people or one of those days that people shouldn’t take personal. Yeah those days, however I tried to stay busy and not think about the fact that my parents are no longer here and I wouldn’t be seeing them, talking to them and any of the things I use to do with my folks this time of year.
I am also BROKE, to be perfectly honest I am down like four flat tires. But I really wanted to show my roomies that I love them and really appreciate all they have done for me. So I went into my backpack and took out my this little red pack where I keep my change. I counted it all out and I had $9 bucks. What the fuck was I going to do with $9 bucks for three people. I could try to make dinner, but what would I make for the amount of money I had and what in God’s name would it taste like.
Well, let’s say “AMEN” for 99 cent only stores. I don’t know if you have them in your neck of the woods, but praise God they are here in SoCal. After doing the recycling I came back grabbed my backpack and walked up to get the Big Blue. If you don’t live here in LA, then I will tell you that Big Blue is Santa Monica’s Bus. Santa Monica Municipal Bus Line. Blacks have always called it Big Blue because of it’s color. Santa Monica would later blaze it all over their busses and bus stops and give no credit to where the nick name came from. I guess this is all part of the “Doing the Right Things Right” campaign the City of Santa Monica now has. Ok I got sidetracked, sorry. So I jumped on the number 3 and headed to Venice to the 99 cent store and got some things for dinner. I was making two quiches, spinach salad and peanut butter cookies. There is nothing over 99 cents in this store. So I was able to get all I needed for 8 bucks. I was making the pie shell, and cookies from scratch.
I was alone, so I grabbed my laptop and loaded “Pandora” it’s an internet radio. I have like 12 different stations that I have come up with. You should check it out if you don’t know it. It’s great and you tell it what you like and don’t like. Very cool. I tunned into my “Chicago Mass Choir” station, that GOSPEL. BLACK GOSPEL, let me be clear. It wont only play Chicago Mass, but it will play songs along the same line.
The first song was “Yes, I’m a Believer.” I smiled BIG, because I love this song. This is “old school” I started working and the music got better and better and this only got me to whip out my awesome cooking skills. Ya’ll did know I use to be a private chef right?
As I made dinner I had to recall certain tips Grandma and Ma taught me. It was so cool having the apartment to myself because I could also sing along. Ya’ll know I sing and play piano as well right? If you want to hear my skills, then visit my network. Track 2 on the main page is…….you guessed it. ME.
Anyway I made dinner and baked cookies and I was very happy with the result. I made the pie shell just by recalling my Grandma talk it to me in my head. The “simple quiche” I made I could hear Ma walking me through it and the cookie were again Grandma in my head.
Not to blow my own horn, but dinner was awesome and I was so happy I had the 9 bucks and the skills to do it and make it taste like it came from a five star place. Yeah I can cook dirt and you’ll love it. “May I have some more please”
That was my gift to my roomies. My plans after we ate was to head down to see the Nativity lights in Santa Monica, but Andy said we were opening presents. So I was really ready to go. I wasn’t expecting to get anything, so there was no need for me to stick around. Little did I know, Santa was coming for me too. I posted the video and some have already commented on it. Thanks for the nice emails and cool comments.
I had such a hard time getting to sleep because I had so much on my mind. I also shot a vid of that as well. I just couldn’t get my parents out my head, so I shot a vid. Balled big time right after I shot it. It wasn’t until way after 5:00AM that I finally fell asleep.
Christmas morning I had breakfast with my roomies and went back to sleep. I ha plans to get together with my friend Vickie, but that didn’t happen. I did however jump on the bus and go visit the graves of my parents. It was poring rain, so guess how that made me feel. Once back home I cried myself to sleep. The phone woke me up 2 hours later and it was my ex. The love of my life for about 15 years. He and his Ma wanted to chat for a bit. SWEET. After that I took a shower at some lunch and made a promo vid of my work and the people who volunteer. I talked with a few people and then around 8:30PM I headed for the Nativity in Santa Monica.
Since 1953 this has been a HUGE part of the Santa Monica Community, so I was so happy to hear that haters were not able to stop this very cool display. It’s change a bunch since I was a kid growing up in SaMo, but as always it was so awesome to see it.
I got back home around 11:30PM. My Roomies weren’t far behind me. Chatted with them for a bit and then looked at the pics I took as well as answered some emails and comments on my networks as well as facebook book and youtube
The highlight once I got back home was the much awaited interview with Taylor from Vlogger Heads. It’s very cool that he even thought that people would even be interested in hearing a interview from someone like me. But I was happy to do it and it was cool. Now I cant wait to see the final project. I want to express my many thanks to Taylor and Misty for working on it. Vlogger Heads is made up of some really cool people and each day I am waiting for someone to call me fag, nigger, homeless fuck, lazy or some off the all shit, but it hasn’t happened. Well not since my Obama vid. LOL, but those people can just…….have a Happy New. LOL.
I love being 40, it really rocks.
The BEST is yet to come
The Low Down at 40
So as many of you know I just celebrated my 40th birthday on December 19, 2008 and I must say 40 really feels awesome and just like so many people have told me in the past it really has been like a life changing birthday for me. I really cant explain it, but for some reason it really just feels like a rebirth so to speak. Does anyone over forty know what I mean?
When I turned 40, I woke up and was like “wow, made it to 40” and since then my life has been filled with so many awesome experiences and so many outstanding and truly amazing people.
For the first time in 22 months I can now say my head is above water. No longer to I feel like I am drowning with no life jacket. I have always said to myself that I must visualize the land while riding through this storm and trust in my Father and open up my heart, I know that I can do this, I know that I can win” and right now I feel like I am walking into my victory.
If you’ve never been through anything in your life where everything within was tested or called into question by people, then you really wont understand what I mean. But for those that have, then I know you have some idea. Ma use to sing a song “Long as I got King Jesus, I don’t need nobody else” and for 22 months that’s what I have be counting on. Please don’t misunderstand me here. King Jesus, the great I am that I am, my alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, my wheel in the middle of wheel, my strong tower, my all and all has sent awesome people like many of you into my life, so please don’t think for one minutes that I am saying you don’t matter, because you do.
The past two months I have had some old childhood friends reach out to me, some only to peak into my life and walk away laughing, others to feel better about where they are in life, but there have been those who have looked in and saw their friend not just suffering, but in pain and hurting. They saw the kid that was so full of laughs and life now fighting for his life and never questioning “why” and in the midst of all of this, they saw their friend, even in the midst of it all, making sure that smile that they once knew was still in place and that big mouth that made them laugh or defend them in school and offer comfort to them when others poked fun, still reaching out to others and trying the very best he could to be there for others.
While I took care of Pops, people stop calling, stop wanting to hang out. You see my focus was Pops and my money was changing. When cancer came for it’s 5th visit, this got even harder and friends became even fewer. No longer was I dropping big cash to eat out or flying all over the place to cater, cook for or smile with the “A” crowd. My focus was my “hero” who was beyond wounded and needed the love and support of his only child. My brothers and sisters were no different, in fact in many ways they were far worse then people I use to know as “friends”
Isnt it just awesome how God will take something the world will look upon and call a total disaster and turn it into complete victory? Isnt is great how good will take what we call success, fame and fortunes, strip you of it and replace it with success that only he can give. I know some of you know what I am talking about and you might be doing your little dance right about now. Trust me baby, this brutha is doing his dance too.
So I said all that to say this, one of the people from my childhood is back in my life. her name is Stephanie and I have known her since 7th grade, so just like me has had a hard time. Her road much different then mine, but it is one that I am sure will touch many of you who now call me friend and have come to care so deeply for me. Just like me she has experienced homelessness, but in a much different way then myself, so together we have launched a new youtube channel called The Low Down At 40. www.youtube.com/thelowdownat40 I really hope all my friends from this network will join me there, not just as my friend, but as a friend to this awesome woman with an awesome story to tell. To all my friends on Vlogger heads I will be inviting her to our community there and I sure hope many of you will help me welcome her.
I wont go into her story, I will allow her to tell that, but I will say she is my friend and I care a great deal for her. She is a single mother raising a great little boy and she has now has two years, two months clean and sober. She is my friend and my sister and I love her with my whole heart. In other words don’t screw with her. (LOL)
If you have a youtube channel, please send us a friend request and tune in to our awesome channel. You can also join my youtube channel and shoot me a friend request there www.youtube.com/kengikat.
In close I want to let you all know that February 3, 2009 will mark the two year birthday of my foundation and Do Something Saturday outreach program. I will be announcing my board of directors and also giving the “Hero” award named after the late Mr. Williams-This was the Father as some of you know of Alan Williams from the Vlogger Head network. I want to encourage each of you to continue to reach out to Alan and continue to light your candles and hold him up in prayer.
There is one more thing I want to ask you guys to do for me for my dear friend Alan. PLEASE pray for a HEALING not just for his soul, but for his body. Pray for his health and his strength. Like my friend Stephanie, Alan has become someone I care for, admire and respect. Please pray for him. Call his name when you pray and ask God to “show up and show out” in his life.
I posted the video from the new launch for Stephanie and my youtube channel. I hope you all are well and God Bless
Days like these
WOW!!! all I can say is this, I had the most cool day and it was very unexpected. Well sort of. I had already had plans to pass out the remaining 16 Do Something Saturday Kits, my original plan was to pass the kits out to people living with HIV/AIDS, however after emailing and calling several places that assist people with HIV/AIDS and getting messages like “we will have the person who handles that call you back” or “We don’t have a need for that” or just flat out “no”, so I took the kits down to the beach and passed them out to homeless people in Chess Park along the beach in Santa Monica.
The cool thing was that my friend Stephanie who I have known since 7th grade also came with me. However before we made our way down to the beach we made our way over to the north side or Santa Monica to visit with her Ma and pick up her son Niko.
I have never met Stephanie’s Mom before, so it was really cool to finally meet her. Right away she gave me a hung and it was like we had known each other just as long as I have known Stephanie. Her Mom is awesome and I don’t know, but maybe it’s just an old school thing, but Stephanie grew up just like me. Parents who asked “What’s their families’ name?” and “Did they grow up here in Santa Monica?” It was so cool to see her eyes light up when I would talk about things my parents would say to me.
Stephanie made coffee and her Mom broke out the box of fancy cookies and we sat and talked about the way things use to be in Santa Monica. Way back when the school system was among some of the best in the nation, when the music department was the only school in the United States to get an invitation to perform in China, back when the city had culture of every kind and families knew each other and had called Santa Monica home for many, many years. Don’t get me wrong, Santa Monica is still a great place, but it isn’t the place Stephanie and I grew up in and it sure isnt the place our families came to know and love. It’s changed a great deal and from looking at the surface many would say it is progress, but for people who have called this place home for as long as our families have and so many others we see pretty buildings, but families who don’t even know who live next door and school that are now some of the worst. So it leads us to ask, how much has the city given up in order to gain it’s fancy shopping district that attacks people like Oprah? What good are all the pretty buildings when all the mainstays like the Ma and Pop type places have all been forced out to make room for places fancy hotels and trendy malls?
After chatting with her Ma, we left and headed toward the beach to link up with David. Please see the video I have uploaded with David tonight. “Conversations with David” We reached the beach and made our way down the world famous Santa Monica Pier and found David in Chess Park. This is a very cool area that is right on the beach and made up of chess tables and people from all walks of life playing the wonderful game of chess. Yes people even play with homeless people. The cool thing is that David –the homeless guy- is the main man here. He teaches people how to play and also tells tourist where to find cool attractions through the city. David also makes sure when the donations come through this area from the local and tourists that all homeless people in the area of Chess Park are offered things like food, clothes and “Do Something Kits”
We found David and right away I saw that trademark look on his face as I walked down the steps and entered the park.
“How’s it going David?”
“It’s good Kengi how are you?”
Since I had Ms. Stephanie with me David paid more attention to her then he did to me. Which was very cool to me because David is a very interesting and educated man and I know Steph would just love him. During her visit with him she got a back adjustment, massage and he told her what items to buy and where to buy them to give herself a massage it home. She was all smiles. Her son Niko will be coming to the beach to take chess lessons from David.
While there we were able to give out all the kits and I met some new homeless people that I didn’t know. Just when I thought I had gotten an item donated that I knew I would never get rid of, I was wrong. I met another guy David who needed it. IT was a denture toothbrush. How sweet is that. David got this major smile on his face when I offered it to him. “God is good” and flashed this HUGE smile that was void of all teeth. It was so awesome to see someone smile so big.
We chatted a bit more and then we made a video with David and made our way to Douglass park so Niki could play with is remote control truck. While he played with his toy she and I laughed and talked about how cool it was to grow up in Santa Monica and how blessed we both were even though we both have come through some pretty rough times.
We shot our joint video, headed back to her Ma’s grabbed some things and she headed to an engagement. Niko chilled with me and we played monopoly with my roomies and then she joined us later. We hung out and laughed and talked and laughed more. We even had a “Chex Mix” taste party as well. It was cool
Another great time helping people and chilling with friends. SIMPLY AWESOME!!!!!!
The Journey in 2009 “Green Dragon”
This picture was taken in Santa Monica with my friend Tina and Andy. It was the first wave of some pretty “rockin” sushi we had in Santa Monica. This is called “Green Dragon” It was a cool way to eand a day that was so freaking awful for me.
————
I got called into the doctors’ office yesterday and I know when they call to ask me to come in way before it is time for an appointment, I knew in my heart it was bad news. When i got there and saw all my doctors currently working with me present for this “visit” my heart sank.
I felt like I was on a roll. An all time high for me. I was off the streets, doing well, 40 years old and working toward filling for non-profit status for my foundation. I am also working on the 2 year birthday of the entire thing. Again this will be a HUGE milestone for me and my life.
As many of you know I was homeless here in LA for 22 months. I lost my medical about a year before homelessness took place. The last year of my Pops life I was caring both of us out of my own pocket. I took care of him for 3 years and at the time I was unable to work. He was just too sick and then I became sick again.
While I am off the streets now, I still have a ton of medical issues and all but cancer went untreated and ignored while I was homeless and the same is happening right now. According to the state I am not sick enough to qualify for the state program which is Meda-Cal, I must have an AIDS diagnoses. So basically I most be damn near death before any help will be offered and then the help given is a government run system. All we have to really do is look at the shape this country is in to know that the government running anything is bad for everyone. Well unless you are a billionaire.
Furthermore the current help I do get is from DPSS and that is only $220 a month and $160 in food stamps. If I am able to save that $220 and someone get $1500 in the bank then I am cut off. You cant have more then $1500 in the bank. So in other words I need to stay broke, poor and without. For someone like me that isn’t acceptable. I am of the thinking that it also isn’t acceptable to many other Americans who because of circumstance find themselves on the very same program.
A single apart here in Los Angeles cost around $800 a month and a one bedroom is over $1100 a month. The cost to rent a room is about $600. So where in the name God is someone like me able to find a place to live and turn things around?
Get a job right? Right I will run right out and do that. Then once I am employed and have doctors’ appointment two to three times a week, they will just find someone to fill in for me right? Yeah right. Oh how bout this, just don’t tell them I am sick. Yeah, that will work. Don’t tell them I am sick, so when I have to go to the doctor I can just call in sick. If they fire me I can sue them for discrimination right? Give me a break. It’s doesn’t work like that.
So the bad news is this. My cancer has spread to my other kidney and it may also be in my lungs now. Chemo and Radiation is damaging my Liver, so now what’s left? Just let the cancer run wild until death?
Oh wait there is more. So it would seem that I was right all along. There IS pain in my chest and my heart shouldn’t jump around or feel like it is about to explode. 4 hospitals stays and God only knows how much money I now am in debt for only to have them tell me. “All the test are inconclusive. There is nothing wrong Mr. Carr.”
Adj.1.inconclusive – not conclusive; not putting an end to doubt or question; “an inconclusive reply”; “inconclusive evidence”; “the inconclusive committee vote”
adj inconclusive [inkənˈkluːsiv] not leading to a definite decision, result etc.
So for any doctor or hospital to tell me, “there is nothing wrong” is in fact WRONG.
So now because of this I have now have had over 10 heart infections and yesterday I was told that the pain in my chest “isn’t normal” and that basically I’ve been having very small heart attacks that have gone untreated. Not because I haven’t been asking for help, but because I was homeless and could not pay. Whatever happened to first do no harm?
So where do I go from here? Again I find myself at yet another fork in the road, however this time I am not letting the government or some quack tell me what I should do or how I shall proceed. I am going to allow God to lead me and I know he will guide me in the direction.
I am fully exploring alternative and holistic methods and seeing where that will take me. I have already reached out to a center in San Francisco and I have been invited to come up and meet with a doctor there as well. The main thing is this. I fully believe I have for a reason and God has given me a task to carry out and I know full well that my part of this task is far from complete, so I am not at all put off or worried about what the road holds for me. I do know that with God all things are possible and he is still very much in the miracle making business. I see them everyday and to be perfectly honest I too am one of them.
As the 2008 comes to close, so will many people, places and things in my life. 2009 will bring more of Gods favor in my life and my opportunity for empowerment, learning and growth. There will also be huge improvement for people who have less and I am happy to be on the front lines and in the trenches fighting for this and this is where I will stay until my dying day.
For me turning 40 and the New Year of 2009 is not just about change, it’s about growth and not growth that only helps a few, but growth for humanity especially here in the United States. It is my impression that we, as Americans are stuck in a rut but not many of us seem to see this. We are far too busy chasing pie in the sky and pipe dreams of fame and riches that we have forgotten and abandon the basic things that make our nation great.
When there is disaster in the world, we as a people out pace not just the world in giving and helping, but our government as well. When I see things like this I know there are caring people here. They just need some coaching if you will on how to take that same level of compassion and turn it back towards our own healing and we all know the United States is in dire need of “healing” and Obama will not be able to do it alone. Him simply being the first Black President of this country will not be enough. He will need each and every one of us working hard to make his “historical” not just historical but beneficial to all American. In order for him to restore the love an trust that other countries use to have for us here in this country it is going to take way more then the “image” of change to do this. We all must change along with the “image”
Someone recently told me that there has never been someone like me speaking up and standing up for justice for homeless people ever before and that they have never been a more qualified person to do so then myself. Well I think that was a very nice thing to say and believe me it was a huge honor to have someone even compare what I have done and will continue to do to the great and amazing work of Dr King.
When I think of men with Dr. King, Malcolm X and other great black leaders I see people who could have led this nation far before Obama. We I see people like Rosa Parks and Sister Sojourner, I see first ladies and great women.
I never want to live in a nation or world where I don’t see color, I will never embrace that concept or way of thinking and I will fight it ever step of the way. I would rather live in nation and world that embraces it and respects it. I was raised to respect race and color, this way I would never have to do away with it when things don’t go my way and terms like “I don’t see color” would never have a place in our society because we respect one another for who we all and what we each bring to the table.
My thinking doesn’t go against Dr. King and the amazing “I have a dream” legacy. I feel it is embracing that dream of “respecting people” for their culture and all the richness that goes along with it. Skin color does matter, but it doesn’t have to matter in ways that hold people back or exclude them all together.
In order for people to fully understand what is meant by me saying this they would have to fully understand and embrace what is meant by a black person holding up a black fist and not feel threatened by it. “Black Power” and the “Black Fist” was never meant to destroy people or wipe out anything other then wrong doing and injustices PERIOD. The images not only ask for respect, they demand it. However “history” has told another story and I won’t believe the lie put fourth.
Obama takes on meaning for many different people from all walks of life, all nations. When I see him I am sure I see and feel all the same “positive” feeling the rest of this country and to be honest the entire world feels. However I also see those Black men standing their with the heads bowed in honor of the great nation they represent and that Black fist held high demanding that same great nation to honor and respect them and at the same time encouraging the world, not to believe the hype and get involved in the “Change” that was needed in this nation.
When I see Obama and his awesome family I see those men demanding for respect and change. Obama now “commands” respect and “commands” change. I still see him with his head bowed in honor of this country and all who make it up. Let me say that one more time. ALL who make it up. I also see that Black fist held high, however this time it’s got way more “weight” behind it.
Blessings for a new year every one. My prayer is that God will shine his light in your life and get each of us to open up our hearts to humanity and change and RESPECT.
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Events Calendar
- Marcus Robinson said: Awesome story. Very inspirational....
- Marcus Robinson said: Very good post, Kengi. From my own experience with...
- Marcus Robinson said: Good to hear from you, man!!! Nice to see you up a...
- Tamico said: Im glad that you posted and so happy all is well ...
- backatwon said: Yes, God is keeping you and has always done that ...
- Tamico said: I can honestly say that no you really cannot rely ...
- Depression
- "If you need anything just call"
- I Am Beat
- GOD IS KEEPING ME
- Happy 4 Year Anniversary Do Something Saturday
