Old Blogs from 2009 (April)

// April 24th, 2010 // Uncategorized

Once Again I Call You……

I haven’t been feeling all that hot lately, my Sickle Cell as been bothering me and I know this is because I have been stressing out about some things in my private life I tend not to blog too much about what is going on with me, because I don’t want people to worry about me. I also don’t want people to feel like I am complaining or giving up. Just so you know there are times when I get down, heck who doesn’t, bust some how people have made me out to be this super man and that just ain’t me. I have bad days, where I get discouraged and for those who has long been readers of my blog and my youtube channel, then you know full well people get on my damn nerves and I am not one to just let people say any damn thing they please to me. I don’t care who they think they are or what power they think they have over me. DON’T COME FOR ME, DON’T PUSH ME AND DON’T MAKE ME MAD. I am not nice when I am mad and you will not like the reply you get when you screw with me.

People who know me will tell you just how much progress I have made in this area of my life. There was a time when if you had something to say about me, my community work and things I care about, I would let you have it. Full force, I didn’t give a care who read it or who you ran and told it to. This is how I know people cant tell me there is no God, because I know they way I use to be and let me be the first to tell you that “good energy” and “positive vibes” don’t have a darn thing to do with how I deal with things now. It’s prayer and my desire to be closer to God. It’s me always challenging myself to rise above and simply let God handle. Some folks better be thanking God that I have even a taste of him in my life

Ma use to tell me not to worry just cause folks are talking bad about me or what I am doing, “baby this means you’re doing something worthwhile and since what they are doing ain’t worth a damn, they have to try to talk about you and what you are doing. At the end of the day, all they’ve done is talk shit and throw salt at what you’re doing.” She is was so right

I didn’t get much sleep last night. besides my Sickle Cell bothering me I also fell off my bike again from some bozo driver turning in front of me and I took a spill landing right on my knee. This is the knee that I hurt a few times. Twice when I was a kid riding my skate board back from Rip City Skates on Santa Monica Boulevard in Santa Monica. After two trips to the hospital my parents simply took my and my cousin Darrell to the skate board shop. We both always seemed to get hurt on our way back. maybe this was because we had just got some new gear for our boards and this made us even more of the daredevils we already were. Who knows? In any case this was when I hurt my left knee and had to have surgery.

The third time was playing King Conference Football. My cousin played for the Venice Bulldogs and I played for Beverly Hills. Santa Monica didn’t have a team when I was kid, as a matter of fact I don’t think they ever had a team. If they did it was flag football and we were far too rough for flag football. Besides my cousins and I loved to bang into each other and this wasn’t possible if you played flag football.

When I got up this morning I was very tired and my knee was really killing me. My Sickle Cell pain was much higher then normal, but I did what I could to keep it under control and not allow it to ground me for the day. At about 9:00AM I decided to check the front door to see if the mail person had run. the day before we didn’t have a normal mail lady because she always rings the bell and makes sure someone is here to get the larger things that don’t fit in the box. Replacement people simply sit it at the gate or on the steps. This happened the other day and today it happened again. We dont want to complain, because this could just make things worse. We’ll just be happy when I normal mail lady is back. She is awesome.

So when I opened the door there was this box and right away I got this huge smile on my face and all of the sudden the pain in my knee and the Sickle Cell pain seemed to fade away. Right away I knew the box was for Judy. I had already gotten an email from Courtney letting me the box had been mailed and I should be looking for it. In fact Judy called me on Tuesday to see if I had gotten the letter from Courtney yet. She had no idea she’d be getting more then a letter.

When I got the box inside and opened it I was once again blown away by Courtney and he kindness for others. This is the second box she has sent with items for an outreach, however this time the outreach was for Judy, her new penpal. Soon after I placed the video of judy online right way Courtney reached out and asked what she could do to help Judy. I asked if she wanted to be her penpal and maybe write to her. Courtney said “yes” and soon after I had this box filled with awesome goodness just for Judy.

Like I said, just seeing the box seemed to make my pain fade and getting excited about how I knew Judy would be smiling so big was also helping me feel so much better. Well at least the excitement building around that fact that Judy was so cared for by someone such as Courtney was amazing and I knew Judy would feel so loved, cared for and it too would make her smile so big. Judy is such a sweet lady, so to be able to offer even a little bit of help so cool, but today with the love and support and generosity of someone who saw a need and addressed it, once again my mission to restore respect and dignity to homeless people would prevail and all by simply asking people to care.

I took some Excedrin to help me with my headache and then took the items and placed them in two 2 gallon size zip lock bags. The items Courtney purchased for Judy were awesome. She received items for her hair, snacks, gum, lotion, shampoo and conditioner, lady speed stick, handy wipes, socks, a sweet pink cap, a nice beautiful hoodie, bar soap, bath sponge and so much more. She also received a daily diary and some pretty stationary as well. I was so excited for Judy. I could hardly wait for my roommate to come home so I could hope on my bike and head over to see her.

Once Andy got in a brushed my teeth and finished getting ready. The Excedrin still hadn’t kicked in and my knee was really starting to throb as well. However my Sickle Cell was still pretty much under control and this I was very happy with. Two of of three things bothering me really wasn’t that bad and I wasn’t about to allow these two things prevent me from going to see Judy so she could get her items. I wasnt feeling so good on Tuesday, plus I did the outreach to people with HIV and AIDS, so i didnt get the chance to make it over to see her. However we did talk on the phone for a bit and I was very happy to hear from her.

Once on my bike I had to remember not to put too much pressure of my knee, this meant not standing to gain speed and remaining in the saddle even as I was about to take off from a red light. This also meant going a bit slower then I normally do. However I still made it over to Judy in pretty good time. What normally takes me about 20 to 25 minutes to me about 30 to 40 minutes.

As soon as I rode up Judy started smiling, she was writing in her notebook like she is doing most times I come to see her. Today Mike was also with her and he too had seemed to be very happy I was there.

“Well hello Kengi.” Judy says with a huge smile

“Hey Judy how are you doing today?” I smile back “I have a surprise for you.”

“Oh you do?”

Mike slides over so I was able to sit near Judy and right away we start talking. I reach into my back pack and take out the first bag and hand it to her. Hey face just lit up and her awesome blue eyes just sparkled. She was so happy to get the items that Courtney had provided for her. In the first bag were most of her toiletry, hygiene and other items like a toothbrush and toothpaste kit was in the first bag. It also had her letter from and the dairy as well. She took the letter out and read it. The entire time her face was just so bright and her smile was awesome. It felt so good to see her so happy.

I handed her the next bag and again she lit up and was simply so thankful for all the amazing things Courtney had sent her. it was so cool to watch her look at the beautiful gray hoodie. She put that on and it looked awesome on her.

I visited with Judy and Mike for about a hour or so and about half way through Mike left to make his way toward the place where he gets his nightly meal. However before he left he asked me if I could help him get a new backpack. He told me how proud he was and how he didn’t like to ask anyone for help, because it has been his experience that people tend to look down on him when he asks for help. I told him the same things I tell everyone. “I have no judgments for him and I cant make any promises.” However I did tell him I would ask someone if they had a backpack that they wouldn’t mind giving to him. Before he left he shared some things with me and he talked about that it has been like for him since he’s been homeless. When he told me about the person who called him a lazy and worthless is eyes begin to water and he turned away. My heart sank for this man, because I i know how it feels to have someone say things about you that are hurtful and mean and all you have done wrong was to ask them for some help.

“Kengi, he didnt have to treat me like that. All he had to say was no.” I tried to offer him some comfort by simply telling him to ignore people like this. I never tell people I know how they feel or that I understand what they are going through, to do so is simply telling them a lie. Even though I have had many people treat me like crap while i was homeless and many more since homelessness has ended, i still have no clue or idea what they man was feeling. However the tears that fell down his face touched my heart and I nearly started to cry. I told Mike I would do what I could get replace his backpack. If anyone reading this has “gently used backpack” they would like to donate to Mike, please let me know.

I sat with Judy a bit longer and while sitting with her this lady walked up and handed her some food. “Here you are dear. I hope this helps.” Judy smiled so big and thanked the lady who had stopped her car a no parking zone and walked back to give some food. Judy told the lady was a school teacher and had stopped the other day and offered her some food to eat. I smiled at the lady and she smiled back.

Judy handed me her phone and asked me if I would charge it for her. I said yes and told her I would return it to her tomorrow. “Thanks so much Kengi.” I really don’t know what to say. You’ve really been kind to me. Please tell Courtney and all your friends I said thanks very much.”

“You’re more then welcome Judy.”

As I rode my bike back home I thought of just how much God is still very good, not just to me, but people like Judy as well. I thought of Mike and how the tears rolled down his face when he thought of how badly someone had treated him. It was in that moment that I recalled some of th nasty things people have said and done to me while was homeless, but this time I didn’t get sad. I kept on smiling with the sun on my face because I know I went through the 22 months for a reason. I smiled even bigger because I thought of how God has taken something that could have destroyed me and turned it into my purpose and my victory.

As I type this blog at 12:43AM I am in some pain, but still smiling, I am still concerned about things, but not worried because I know in the end. God is till in full control and all I have to do is sit tight and allow he to do all the work. No matter what any of us go through in life, we must know that isnt about us nor is it about us. The trials we face are not meant to break us, but make us stronger and more able to walk into the the destiny that God has for us.

Courtney, thank you so very for the awesomeness that you have done for Judy. Thank you for loving and respecting her and for allowing her to be part of your life. Thanks for caring for her and not simply making her feel anything but love, support and friendship. Since meeting you, your heart and actions have been pure and driven by nothing more then the desire to be of service to others who are in need. This speaks mountains of the awesome woman you are, even bigger mountains to the awesome lady that was (IS) your Grandmother. She raised a unique, kind, loving and caring human being, who is willing to go the distance for someone else, not because there is some pot of gold, or some “secret” that you get from some forum, but because God lives in you and he wont let the LIGHT in you not shine on people like Judy. You are truly an amazing woman Courtney, I am so honored and blessed to have you here on this network and even more in my life as my friend and my sister. With my whole heart I love and respect you.

There is a gospel song by Donnie McClurkin that says “Once again I call you and again you answer. Once I reach out and you are there. You are always there for me AGAIN and AGAIN.”

YOU ROCK!!!!!

ME with hiv “CELEBRATE LIFE”

Last year on April 3, 2008 is when I was told I was HIV positive and during that entire year access to HIV care or should I say lack thereof was a complete nightmare. From being told I could not see my medical team at Harbor UCLA Medical Center to having housing refused to me by Skid Row Housing Corporation through the HOPWA program and having to be recertified each month for my benefits from DPSS because some “mega brain” had entered my HIV as a temporarily health condition. Now DPSS says my needs are big met because two friends offered me housing with them instead of allowing me to suffering through one more day of fighting for my laptop and digital camera or having to go through one more day or night of abuse from places that claim to be doing such amazing work for people who are homeless with HIV or AIDS.

It was 9 months before I was able to get back in to see my doctor at the HIV clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center and even after getting back in to see the doctor the entire 9 month process was pushed under the rug as if it never happened or it was some how my fault that I was unable to get in to see my doctor. In speaking with people about this, from people with HIV, mostly gay men whose only goal was to get me to move close to them to people in line to help me access care for my HIV and even down to the people at the Office of AIDS here in California the answers were the same.

“There’s nothing I can do about that.” or “Mr. Carr lets just try to move forward now.” and my favorite “Why dont you just move here?” WTF?

There is nothing you can do about a County Hospital refusing care to patients? Let’s just move forward? In other words who gives a damn? As far as moving goes that wasn’t ever something I would even think to consider. Why in the world would I consider moving to a place where I dont know anyone? Why would I move to a place where I would still be homeless in a much colder climate? Why would I be stupid enough to believe that someone who lives wit their Mother and curses her out at the drop of a dime could even begin to care for me?

Yeah I am happy that I have come through the last year and I have emerged from it much stronger, much more prepared and much better armed with knowing that the only person who loves me and cares for me more then Christ is ME. Now I didnt say that no one cares for me, so please dont project. I am also happy and truly blessed by the fact that my immune system while it is very busy defending my body against other things in addition to HIV, I am still well protected. I say I am blessed because this is nothing more then great genetics, thanks to Ma and Pops and it is also by the grace and high favor of God.

So after one year, where I am with HIV? Will I start meds? How will they affect my body? Will they cause additional problems for me? Will housing ever come through for me? Will I ever get my ADAP person on the phone? Will I ever get a medical team that I fully trust? Will I ever trust that large campaigns to raise funds for HIV and AIDS care really have my best interests at heart when the sit down to plan and organize?

After one year I am doing fine, in fact I am doing better then fine. My T-cells have climbed and once again my viral load has dropped off significantly with no help from HIV meds, hell not even with medical care.

“Mr. Carr your immune system is remarkable. Thank your parents for this.” is what I was told at my last HIV visit.

Let me show you just how awesome it truly is. Harbor UCLA didn’t even bother to make sure I had received all vaccines, nor did they make me aware that I needed any either. So for almost a year my body was left to defend itself alone, with no assistance from “HIV CARE” and my body did just fine. In fact it did better then “just fine” It did awesome and excellent. My doctor said that my bodies ability to suppress HIV is amazing. “Natural Suppressor” The smile that came over my face as I sat int he office with him felt great. The load lifted was awesome and once again it was my faith and trust in God that had carried me through. Ignoring advice to turn and run to some place where not only I would have NO HIV care, but no care for cancer or Sickle Cell as well. I simply held on and trusted in what I know and believe.

I will not be starting any HIV meds, nor will I be starting any diabetic meds. My HIV is under full control by my body and I am not even close to being a diabetic, so the alarm that was sounded by a test that was WRONG was false. Furthermore it only makes me question things that much more and how things are handled when it comes to care of any kind from the medical community.

I am not holding out hope for housing from HOPWA, nor I am holding on to the hope that anyone from ADAP will ever call me back and correct things they have done wrong. However I will not allow this to make me not seek out, press for and get care for my HIV. In fact it has made me that much more determined to make sure things like this happen less and less until they no longer happen at all. Not for me, but for the men women and children who suffer through HIV at the hands of a system bogged down with self imposed red tape and all the other crap it’s created.

What I have learned from being HIV positive is the same things I have learned from being homeless for 22 months. There is more concern about getting paid then there is for really caring or fixing the real problems of homelessness and there certainly isnt any rush to correct the problems of access to care for people who are poor, black or women of color who not just suffer from HIV, but die from AIDS as a result of arrogance and ignorance on behalf of the powers that be.

For the first time I am questioning HIV and really questioning it. How and why there is no real standard that anyone pays attention to. How is that you can test positive in one place and be negative some place else? Why would our own US Government allow things to prevent people from getting care or even prevent people from getting health care coverage? Why would our government allow people to get sicker from HIV before care becomes available? Now I am in no way saying that I have become a “denialist” but I am saying that I am considering all possible ideas and outlooks. However I am not stupid enough to believe that I am fine. I have HIV and I am fully aware and greatly concerned about this, I am also greatly concerned about the lack of effort or concern from the medical community advocacy agencies. I must question even the gay community where our concern seems to be more geared toward getting married then the fact that people are being wiped out by HIV and AIDS. Where are the marches that clog city streets backing up traffic for hours for people with HIV and AIDS? Where are the tears?

Yesterday, Friday April 3, 2009 I celebrated one year being HIV positive. I launched my two HIV and AIDS outreach programs. I managed to get 15 people to get a rapid test. I celebrated with three awesome friends on Santa Monica Beach with the sharing of information and laughs as we watched the sunset.

This morning when I rose yeah
I didnt have no doubt
This morning when I got out of my bed
I didnt have no doubt

I know the Lord
Will take care of me
Hey, I know the Lord
Will provide for me
And I know he will
Guide me all the way

I woke up this morning and I saw a brand new day ya’ll
I didnt have no doubt
I said I got up this morning and God gave me a brand new day
I didnt have no doubt

So ya see, when I got up I felt like praying
Felt like praying

I felt like singin
Felt like singin

I felt like shouting
felt like shouting

I felt like running
Felt like running

I have HIV and I am sure HIV doesnt have me. AIDS wont take me out. It aint powerful enough to do that. I refuse to sit by and allow it to take out others as well while I stand by and say things like “Well all I care about is me” or “They died because of education and stigma.” when the real truth of the mater is they have died because of access to care and all the arrogant and ignorant people who stand in the way saying there is no barriers to care. This type of thinking and leadership is more deadly the HIV and AIDS can ever be, however there is a cure for this very thinking and leadership and it’s very simple. “KICK ROCKS”

This has been just one super weekend for me and my organization. First with the launch of my new HIV outreaches on Friday which were just awesome and then on Saturday I took some much needed ME TIME to relax, rethink, recharge and just spend time outside where the only care I had was for ME. I dont do this often, but it was great and it has been a while sine I’ve done this. It felt great!!!!

I’ve been spending time moving the thousands of pictures I have on this laptop that is near the end of it life over to flickr, my friends Eric told me this would be a good place and my other friend Patrick also said this would not only be a great place, but he also told me about a group called 365 that is for people who love taking pictures. Since I love this I am so looking forward to seeing what I can learn and how I can improve with my picture taking skills.

The weather was awesome on Saturday, I spent some time inside working on things for my organization and then i jumped on my bike and headed down to the beach to soak in th sun. It was such a sweet day to be outside, but then again most days here in Southern California are that way. When they say “sunny California” I think what they mean to say is “sunny Southern California” because I dont think the Bay Area enjoys the same awesome sunny warm weather that we enjoy here in Southern California.

Before I move on with Saturday and the rest of my weekend I want to talk for a bit about the awesome Easter Baskets that my friends Tina, Andy and Lourdes worked on for the outreach to Shriner’s Hospital for Children that is coming up on the 18th. Although Easter would have passed when we visit the hospital I am sure that kids will still appreciate the baskets and I am sure that some will not have had the blessing of getting an Easter Basket.

Once I got back home from the awesome evening with friends on the Beach (Kengi’s Get Tested Party) I came how to a sea of Easter Baskets and supplies getting ready to bring joy to children from low-income families who just happen to be in the hospital. This is the second time I am able to do this outreach and I am so blessed that I have the same three awesome people who helped to launch this program in such a powerful way. The tree worked hard to get the baskets all put together and in all we have 10 Easter Baskets so far.

Saturday, like I said was a day for me and it was such an awesome day. I was still on cloud 9 from the day and night before and just blown away by the awesome friends in my life. After I spent some time speaking with friends and checking email and talking to some friends from other states on the phone, I then jumped on my bike and headed to the beach. It was was awesome.

I really didnt have any plans other then taking time out for me. I wanted to enjoy the day with just taking it slow, no plans and no schedule and no place to be. Doing the community work that I do, for me this is hard, some people say I spend way too much time caring for others and not enough time caring for me, but this couldnt be further from the truth. While I do spend a great deal of time reaching out to try to find ways to love and support people who have less, I do take time out for me. Even if it is just a few minutes or an hour out of each day, I do take time out for me. However, Saturday was a full day to do that and I am so glad I took this time for me.

While I took care of some things in the apartment I made sure I had some music playing. Most of the time my girl Ms. Jill Scott was keeping me in line, joined by the awesome Angie Stone and the sweet Ms. Badu. You just cant go wrong with the sounds of these three powerful voices blasting and keeping you in tunned to LIFE and LOVE.

There are many songs I love by all three women, however “I Keep” by Jill Scott is my song and each time it plays so much inside of me gets moved and pushed around, so it was so surprise to me when the tears begin to fall when she gets to the part that says “I keep smiling when come through and I cry when I need to.”

The beach was awesome, sunny and warm. I rode from West LA to Santa Monica and then made the right left toward Venice Beach. The bike trail was filled with people on their bikes and people walking along side the as well. People were smiling and looking like life was being good to them and that was so cool to see. Even the homeless people I ran into that I know also had smiles on their faces and for me this was cool because I didnt feel like I needed to stop and check on them, so i was able to simply wave, smile and keep on riding only stopping when I felt like I wanted to, not because I needed to.

My first stop was in Venice at the drum circle. I didnt stay long because I really am never impressed with the beats or rhythms I hear. For me Drums need to speak to my soul and even though there are many different people involved in a drum circle, I just happen to think, feel and know that the beat and rhythm needs to be the same. otherwise is just sound like a bunch of people beating and banging on drums making tis load noise with no real focus or goal other then to just beat on a drum and dance around like some zombie. I tried to get into it, but I love drums and I hate noise and in the words of my Ma. “I wasnt receiving this in my spirit.” so I left and continued with my bike ride.

I am so glad I moved on because further down the bike near the Venice Graffiti Walls I ran into an old friend who I havent seen in over 10 years. When he called out my name I was taken by surprise because he was in a wheelchair. He was on the sand working on some graffiti on one of the walls. Turns out he was in a car accident, he was hit head on by a drunk driver. He told me that it was nothing but God who reached down and saved his life. “Man the care was split in three ways” he lost both his legs, but the other four in the car lost their lives. He told me that for a while he struggled with why God took them but allowed him to remain here. he also shared that he has been reading my blog for a over three years now. He also watches my youtube channel and when he said “stay encouraged man” I knew what he meant.

We talked for a while and I watched as he did his art on the wall. I asked him who from school supported him, who has reached out to him? He laughed and said “the same ones who talk shit about you.” We both laughed and I said “It is what it is man” and we laughed more. Right before we said our goodbyes we exchanged phone numbers and emails addresses and then I was all set to jump back on my bike he grabbed my arm.

“Louis, dont ever let anyone who attacks you and what you are doing make you think for one second that what you are doing isnt right or good. They only attack and seek to bring you down because they hate that someone like you is not letting life and all the sit it throws at you destroy you. You keep it pushing man and keep you head up high. I dont give a damn what anyone says, You are the most successful, caring and loving person we went to school with. So dont you dare let the haters get to you man.”

My heart sank a bit, because he and I weren’t the best of friends in school. To be very honest he was like most people I went to school with, we were never friends, just someone I knew. Just like some many people who have walked back into my life with “friend” dripping from their lips only to walk away and talk crap about me and my work in an effort to throw shade. Well this tree is firmly planted and I know who my friends are. They’ve been the same ones my entire life, so I know who is all talk and who is just jumping on the bandwagon. Some jump off some damn fast they nearly break their ankles in the process. LOL.

“Thanks man. I really appreciate you being honest and real with me. That means a lot. It also speaks a lot to the man you are now and that my friend is growth. It was awesome seeing you, thanks for calling out to me. reach out if you ever need someone to talk to man. I mean that.”

As I walked off the sand back the the bike trail I thought to myself “make a way for him”

I stopped for a while and watched some basketball and then I started heading back. My roommates had mentioned going to a photography exhibit in Santa Monica, since I looking to start marketing my photos and so many people even people from right here on Project KengiKat have said that my photos are pretty good and as I look for ways to support myself and pretty much reinvent me at 40 years old as well as continue to do my community, I was very excited to go to this photo exhibit. I am so glad I went because the information I got was awesome, the people I spoke with were great and I am looking forward to seeing what unfolds as i am about to embark on a new adventure along my path towards my victory.

As I rode back home I heard this awesome beat coming from the drum circle. The main beats were still unfocused and all over the place, but there was a beat that was doing a great job forcing the loud noise to conform to something my driven and real. As I got closer this beat became my clear and far more in control. How sweet was it that the main beat was coming from a young brother who has AIDS and also marked in one the hottest bands around for Historical Black Colleges. He as joined by another brother from Senegal that was also doing his job to listen and help control the other drummers who were simply sitting in the area, but not part of the greatness that could come from such a cool assembling of souls.

Together these two brothas seems to tame and control the crowd and for a while the noise and loudness of the other drummers was silenced even though they were still banging and beating on their drums. I sat and soaked it all in again both men picked up their drums and walked away.

“This shit is so wack” one said as he walked past me and winked.

“You made the noise go away brotha.” We laughed and shook hands. I jumped back on my bike and rode home

Palm Sunday, what an awesome day for me

Palm Sunday for me was many things, although it is a very awesome time for believers all over the world, it is also in my opinion a very important time to reflect on what the message of Christ really is and for me that is “humanity” and am able to be of service to others, just as Christ was. I know there is no way I could ever measure up to the man he was and the great King he is today, but my desire is to be more and more like him as I travel along in my life.

My day wasnt spent sitting in the pew saying amen, clapping my hands and patting my feet. Nor was it spent listening to some message about how Christ and God how they dont care about certain people, places and things. I dont serve that God and I know my God will never send out such messages of hate and destruction because my God is a WAY MAKER, A PEACE GIVER, A STRONG TOWER, A SHELTER IN THE TIME OF STORM, he is a FRIEND to the FRIENDLESS and he is BREAD when we are hungry. I also know my God, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ would not have been sitting in some man made building doing nothing while there are plenty of people right outside those four walls with so much hurt, harm and despair. I know Jesus would have been out “doing something” for people and not sitting up talking about it or around it.

My morning was spent with Tina and Andy having breakfast and then we walked and took in the sights of the Brentwood Art Show. There was so much there and so much to take in. The cool thing was that the night before I had the chance to spend talking with, looking at and making myself aware of all the awesome mediums of photography that are out there and I was encouraged that I have a pretty impressive collection myself. Walking along the looking at the art there were more cool displays of just what I am able to create in order to bring in an income for myself.

I met up with Niambi around 11:00AM, she had called the night before and told me she the had backpack for Michael that her boss Gary had donated after she shared the request with him. Gary provided a sweet backpack that look like it was never even used for Michael who is a homeless senior I met not too long ago while i was visiting with Judy. I was really looking forward to spending some time with Niambi, because she is so cool and i really love her spirit. When i learned that I would have her all to myself all day~even into the early evening~I was so happy.

I said my goodbyes to Andy and Tina and started walking down to link up with Niambi. Like always when I saw her she had this awesome smile and there seemed to be, once again, this glow around her. When I first met Niambi she had this awesome smile as she walked down the street toward me, so it is so refreshing to always see this sweet smile whenever I am with her. God always sends people to replenish me and make me feel that I am not alone in this mission and I am honored that he has sent Niambi.

We walked around and talked and got to share with each other more about who we are and what drives us. The cool thing about Niambi is that she is so caring and so very concered about the people I am trying to serve and it is such a pure concern, nothing that is fake and feels like there is an agenda behind it. Her actions and questions when she speaks to homeless people or others that I try to serve are honest, non judgmental or condescending. Sometimes when people ask questions of homeless people or even families that I try to serve they seem intrusive, uncaring and downright disrespectful, but they dont see this because they arent really interested in helping or understanding, but more interested in the agenda or “plan” they come with. These type of volunteers or “friends” fall by the way side very fast because they didnt come to serve anyone but themselves and their monumental ego. Someone once told me that he didnt have the “compassion chip” built in him and this is very true, he didnt and it was so clear in how he spoke about blacks, poor people and homeless people. This is true for many, but in rare cases like my core group of supporters, like that of Niambi I am so humbled by the humanity that explodes and overflows from them for no other reason then what they are doing is te right thing to do and they fully understand that it isnt about them or their friends.

After spending some time at the Brentwood Art Show, Niambi and I headed back to my place to get some water, grab my camera and we then walked to the Westwood to the Federal Building to show out support for the men and women of Darfur. This rally was very different from the one I had been to just a few short weeks ago, where the focus was more on educating people about what is taking place and urging people to act and do their best to do something about what is going on. I was very proud and honored that my friends Eric and Willow had shared with me about this and even more honored to meet two amazing people like Katie-Jay and Gabriel. For me the event was powerful and left such a profound understanding about how this world, not just America, but the entire world really needs CHANGE.

However this time the rally was very focused on the fact that it was Palm Sunday and then Easter and less importance was placed on the message of doing all we can as a country, as a community and as individuals. When one of the Rabi’s spoke he used things that would cause people to believe that God is evil, mean and all bad and that didnt sit well with me. He also used things from the Old Testament when the word lived under the LAW of God. Well God sent his son Jesus and he died on the cross so now we live under GRACE, not the LAW. Christ going to the cross CHANGED things for all of us, so when I hear people wo are supposed to know things like this speaking about how God is going to destroy and wipe out things I am very bothered by this as a believer. One because it isnt correct and it send a clear message to non-believers that God is bad and mean and evil and like violence and that he even condones all of these things. It creates disbelief and causes people to be turned off to God and Christ instead of being turned off to church, religion, doctrine, things that just arent so.

I even had the chance to here city council people, county supervisors and other city leaders stand and speak to the issue of how much they care, how much they are involved and how they are working so hard on things like homelessness, poverty, hunger and basic care right here in Los Angeles County and then to add to this lie they say how they care and are involved with the effort in Darfur. Give me a break, you are no more caring or concerned about Darfur then you are about issues of homelessness, health care, poverty, affordable housing or anything right here in Los Angeles. There was a Black old school choir singing way off key to the tune of “keep you lamps trimmed and burning” and again I must say that the message was still being missed.

When my buddy Eric spoke I was very impressed and the overall message once again became clear to me. Helping Darfur isnt about shouting which God you may or may not serve. It’s about helping and doing anything you can to help the people of Darfur. It isnt about a choir singing an old spiritual to which they clearly have lost an understanding of. It’s about the men women and children who are being wiped out be a government that is out of control and killing the very people it was meant to serve and help as well as honor.

Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday mean far more to me then then churches that don’t do a dog gone thing for the community they are located in, it means far more to me then the ability to quote old scripture that has no baring on what is taking place TODAY in this world. You see I serve a TODAY kind of God and he speaks to me in a TODAY kind of voice. Not a voice of thousands of years ago. Just like WE are people must move forward, the word and full understanding of GOD and the message of CHRIST must also move forward. I am sorry to inform you of this, but Christ wasnt chilling with the high and mighty, he was the great King of kings that hung out with the poor and those who had less. He wasnt in some “fancy” place with “fancy people” doing nothing.

The coolest thing for me was the fact that I once again had the chance to hang out with the men of Darfur who I had a met a few weeks ago. Again they were filled with joy and their spirits were so full with the awesome wonder and thankfulness of what people were DOING for their brothers and sister and even their Mom and Pops. The one thing that struck me and touched me was when of the gentle spoke to me he talked about the fact that his Mother is there and he hasnt been able to get in touch with her. He doesnt even know if his own Mother is still alive or if she is how she is dong or if she is suffering. I cant begin to imagine what this man and many other men and women from Darfur most be going through, but to see the smiles still in place on their faces was so remarkable and amazing to me. That was truly awesome.

I also got to see so many other cool people that I met at the first two rallies I went to. Emily was again was so sweet and cool and her smile was so awesome to see. She even has a sweet new tattoo of the African Continent that she showed me. SWEET!!! The I go to see Sandra again, she is also someone who is not just showing up at rallies but out in the field doing what is required to make CHANGE a reality for people and not just talking about. I also had the opportunity to speak with and interview the women of the Inglewood Links and for me this was such a cool thing to do. I was sorry that my new friend Katie-Jay and Gabriel were unable to make it to the Federal Building because they had just come home from Chad and may have been in the Airport when the rally took place. It’s awesome to know that they are home safe and sound and that the prayers I prayed and the prayers so many people prayed for their safety were answered. I also had the chance to share and talk with Mary and Skyler. Once again they were there to show their support and again their children were with them. I had th chance to share a bit with Mary about my Get Tested Party and when i told about about the situation of a few people I could see that she was touched by what we were talking about. For a second her hand went to her mouth, while we were speaking but in the end I know the God in her will move upon her heart to move into action for people who are suffering just as she and Skyler have already done.

Niambi and I then walked back to my place, got more water and headed out to visit with and be a blessing to Michael with the gift of a backpack and some other things Niambi had for him. I also had the gift bag of bras, panties and other amazing items from my friends Patrick and Kryslte. Naiambi was kind enough to also help with batteries and a phone card for Judy’s radio and cell phone. How sweet was that.

As we walked away from the Federal Building by friend Eric came up gave me money to get Easter Baskets with. Eric and Willow have been so supportive of me since the very first time they met me and I am so honored to call them friends as well as supporters. This $30 along with the money Niambi added was able to buy items for 10 additional Easter Baskets bringing the total now to 20 Easter Baskets for the Children at Shriner’s Hopsital for Children. I am so honored and moved by the acts of sheer kindness by people I have the privilege to call my friends.

We visited with Judy, Michael and Mariam for a while and then I went with Nimabi to the Trader Joe’s to get her meals for a couple of days and while with her I was able to help her with selection of fish.. She is going to make some awesome fish tonight and I will tell you guys how it came out. If she followed my directions the fish will be awesome.

My weekend was great. Filled with ME TIME mingled in with time for others. Wait til I blog about TODAY, Monday April 6th.

Imagine ME

Imagine me loving what I see
When the mirror looks at me
Cause I, I imagine me

In a place of no insecurities
And I finally happy
Cause I imagine me

Letting go of all the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can YOU imagine me

Saying NO to the thoughts to try to control me
Remembering ALL you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?

I am over what my friends did
And healed from all that was ever said
Now I am going to LIVE
And NEVER read that page again

Imagine me

Ma and Pops, can you imagine me?
Being free,trusting and loving the man you created and raised me to be
Finally I can imagine me

I admit it was hard to see anyone being in love
with someone like me
Finally I can imagine me

Ma and Pops, imagine me
Being strong and not letting people break me down
Nope, they wont get that joy this time around
Naw, not this time
Can you imagine me?

In a world where nobody has to be afraid
Because of the love of God you placed deep down in me
The fear is gone
Can you imagine me?

I am letting go of friends and things of the past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
Cause I dont have to ever read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting and loving God totally
Finally I can imagine me

I must admit Jesus
It was hard to see YOU being in love
with someone like me
yeah, broke down me
Finally I can imagine me

I write this to people like me
Those that have struggled and are still struggling with the guilt and shame of homelessness
The heartache and pain of HIV and AIDS
Friends who turn and walk away
Loved ones who no longer speak to you
A community that has never welcomed nor embraced you or me

Your idea is not good enough, your labor is not long enough, you didnt raise enough, you’re not pretty or sexy enough
But try to hold on and think of God whispering in YOUR EAR
Letting you know that EVERYTHING that has happened is now over and

Gone, gone, it’s all gone
All the hurt
Gone, gone, it’s all gone
All the tears you’ve cried
GONE, gone, it’s all gone
Every mistake, failure, fear
GONE, gone, it’s all gone

Those who thought to they could hurt and destroy you
GONE, gone, it’s all gone
Those who said you would never make it, told you that you were not good enough
GONE, gone, it’s all gone

Wipe your tears and dry your face because
It’s gone, gone, gone, yep it’s all gone

Imagine me LOVING what I see
When the mirror looks at me
Cause I, yes I, imagine me

In am place where my soul is free
And I’m finally happy
Because I’ve let go of all those who hurt me
Cause they NEVER deserved me

Now look at the man I am today
Still standing tall
Still proud
Still successful and
Still so in love with the God inside of me

Imagine me

“ReInvent” at 40

I am 40 years old and I am in what I am calling a “Reinvent” period of my life. I am calling it this because my life is not what it use to be and what I use to do for a living isn’t my drive anymore. People I use to hang out with aren’t the kind of people I am hanging out with now. I am not saying in any way they are bad people, not at all, most of them are in fact awesome people, however my path is taking me in a much different direction and while I may see them from time to time, we no longer run in the same circles. The things I use to care about, just dont seem to have any place in my life now, I guess this is because my life doesnt have a “drive” anymore, it now has a “purpose” and there is a huge difference between drive and purpose.

As I type this I am moving all my pictures from the last 2 years of my, even more over to a web-ablbum, this laptop is very old and I really need to clear some space on it. I am also doing this because it is part of my “reinvent” period. Since I am no longer looking to get cooking gigs that would dominate my time and pull me away from the awesome work I have created and the work so many of you have come to love and support, I am looking for ways to earn a living that will not pull me away from my work, however it will allow me to earn a living and also fund my community work that I do.

So many people have said that I take some pretty nice pictures and over the weekend I had the chance to attend some photography openings and I spoke with some photographers. They encouraged me to simply take a chance to work at finding a venue for me work. One guy even suggested an online gallery where people could see my pictures and then pay for a print of the picture. He said this was how he got started. Once of the cool things about attending the photography opening was that there was an area about skid row. How cool right? Well it was.

Tina and Andy are very supportive of my organization and of me. Tina made me aware of the exhibit and she is also the one who told me about the display of skid row works. Both of them and I have to agree with them, that my pictures of Skid Row and of homelessness in general are just as good if not better then those that we saw at this one gallery.

yesterday I took some time to seek out this “reinvent” and I walked into a gallery where I know someone and she was kind enough to introduce me to the owner who just happened to have some free time. We talked almost two hours and while she doesn’t show photography in her studio, she was very encouraging as well as supportive. She told me to get some of my pictures printed and placed into a portfolio and start looking for places to show them. She told me for someone who is shooting with a camera like I have and is able to still capture “incredible pictures” is a real talent and gift. She gave me some pointers and also told me to continue with the approach I have for taking pictures, because it is fresh and real and it comes through in the pictures I take.

“May I call you Louis?”

“Sure”

“Louis some people can take amazing pictures that get published and look nice hanging on walls. Your pictures are far different then this. I am not saying that aren’t worthy to hang on walls and make lots of money. What I am saying is this, your pictures tell a story, they capture the moment. Your pictures have a soul, they have life and the way you take them gives then this life and soul. Keep doing this.”

I was blown away by what she said about my pictures. Like I have said to many of you when you say my pictures are really good. “I really dont think they are all that.”

“Good, keep thinking that. Once you cross the line into thinking you are the shit, you will forfeit you gift and talent and became just someone who takes pictures. You are not a photography, you are an artist and your pictures show this. Even the ones that are out of focus. You have a gift young man.”

I walked out of the studio and I noticed that tears started to run down my face. No one has ever said such nice things about my pictures. Dont get me wrong, people say nice things all the time, but like I said, I just think they are ok.

So now I have to find a way to make some money to support myself and my organization. So “reinventing” me and what I do that will allow me to keep doing my community work is so very important to me right now. I dont want to stop doing my work, so I need to create a way for my love for picture taking create a way for me to support myself.

I ave a few ideas and even some places where I might be able to hang my pictures. I will keep you posted on all of this. In the meantime I am getting back to moving my pictures and I am also going to start spending time in my groups, more so then on my blog. As I looked around my network today I see so much and I see where all of it is a clear reflection of me and who I am. So I will “reinvent” me here on this network as well.

I also looked around and saw some new blogs from two very special ladies in my life. Courtney and Forah, how cool was it to see this as i was talking on the phone with Shyron last night. Sorry for falling asleep on you Shyron. LOL

I’m fearing NOTHING

Being sick is something I have grown to deal with. With Sickle Cell there simply isnt a day where I am not in pain. What kind of pain? Well imagine Berry Bonds swinging his to hit in an attempt to knock a ball out of the stadium the only difference is that ball is your body. This is the kind of pain I am talking about. Not just a few times a day, but constantly at least 5 days out a the week. In addition to this then imagine a stabbing feeling along with a riping of your skin from the inside. All of this all over your body at once, DAILY. My pain level hovers right around 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. Most Sickle Cell Patients manage their pain alone with no medication. On days when my pain level is down it drops to about a 5 on the scale.

It’s funny to me how as a kid and most of my adult life I never had a cold or the flu. This never came until homelessness paid my life a 22 month visit. This is also the time when HIV came to join the in the quest to destroy what my parents created in me. While I was homeless I suffered through many colds, flus, over 12 staph infections that went untreated by hospitals where I stayed on average of 6 days. I have three blood infections from the staph and one heart infection.

As a kid I was called by the Blacks kids the half breed with the long brown girly curls. White kids cold me “Screamer” because when I would have a Sickle Cell attack or “crisis” it causes me to scream. I was the source of so much laughter, so I was also known as the kid that would beat your fucking ass if you dared to make fun of me. at 15 I was out out school for over three months, but still didnt miss a beat while I was in the hospital. My school work got done and I remained in school even though I wasnt present. NOTHING was goig to hold me back.

I remembered the very first time I was able to gain enough weight to play football. I was so happy. I saw the smile on my Pops face after four years of me begging him to let me play and then he had to comfort me when i was cut from the team because I was unable to make the required weight. When I was born the doctors told my parents not to expect much from me. I didnt come home until after my 3rd birthday, didnt walk until after 5 years old. So my life was very much catch for me. My parents said they told the doctors that I would be fine and they treated me just like a normal kid.

I was 10 years old when I finally made the team and I wasnt even supposed to get any field time, but as God would have it I not only got to play in the opening day game I scored four touchdowns on offense and score 3 more on defense after intercepting three passes that should have been caught by the receiver. I could hear my parents yelling and screaming when I intercepted my first pass in the endzone and run it all the way back to the other end of the field for a touchdown.

“Run Kat” is what my granpa kept yelling while My Ma was screaming “run baby run” My coach ran on the sideline all the way with me saying “keep going Carr, run boy run” Once I cleared the crowed endzone of all players I made my way to the sideline and ran all the way up the side of the right side of the field just like I say my brother Mark do so many tmes before and then right before the endzone I cut in toward the center of the endzone and dropped the ball in a spin just like he always did right after I crossed that white chalk line.

My Pops had come down from the stands and picked me up. “Are you alright baby?” is what he asked me. I couldnt answer him because i had just ran that long distance gaining speed with each stride. Just like my older brother Mark did in his football games. My team mates were so happy, but I was more interested in being with my family, then with them because until this, I was the half bread kid. So at a early age I learned how to be part of something even though I wasnt really welcomed. I played football, baseball, track, soccer, and a year of water polo. I then discover BMX bikes and it was over then. In 1984 when the Olympic Games were in LA I recall going to see the Opening Ceremonies and it was awesome. My cousin and I later went to see the races at the 7-11 Veladrome and we watched this Black man dominate the races. It was sweet. After closing Ceremonies my cousin and I had three new rode bikes each. WOW, it was on.

I didnt play sports in school because I never felt like I wanted to play with the kids that always made fun of me and I was to busy beating them up for calling me half bread and other names. It wasnt until High School that someone was silly enough to call me fagot. After I kicked his ass in the quad and then told him “This fagot just kicked your ass and your brother gives great head.” That was so cool. I had a great childhood, I did have some friends from school and to this day they are still my friends. because they are “real”

During homelessness I had to fight over 50 times for my laptop and digital camera. The laptop I currently have is one someone who started reading my blog and helping me with my outreaches to homeless people while I was homeless. This is my 5th laptop. I had a Powerbook G-4 when I became homeless. It wasnt long before I lost it in the fist fight with some assholes. It took 5 of them to get it from me. By the time the police got there I was sitting with their blood on my clothes, some of it was mine, but my laptop and camera were gone. What the fuck did they come for. I walked down to the beach and sat on the sand and just cried. I cried so much through homelessness. However I never asked God “why”

I hate being sick, dont like ti at all. HIV is like a game and I dont know what to believe anymore. There is so much information on HIV and the only side that seems to be reading from the same script are people who say the disease is one huge scam. I have heard doctors and AIDS Educators say things like “you’re fine, there’s plenty of time” I’ve even heard things like “there’s no rush” WTF? So then why is there all this effort to get people to take an HIV test only to have them get told things like “There’s no rush”

Moreover my experience with being HIV positive has be very negative. Especially from the gay community and for me this is troubling. It’s making me begin to question the entire thing and to be very honest I dont know if I have HIV or not. There has just been so much mis-information from people who are supposed to know. When I take all of what has happened to me since I was told I was HIV positive and how my medical care has gone, I have no choice but to question it. The fact that States dont offer medical help until you have an AIDS diagnosis is questionable. Why would you allow anyone to get sicker before you offer to try to make them better?

Why dont doctors have clear answers as to when someone should begin HIV Meds? Why doesnt each doctor follow guideline set by the CDC? Why was I told I should start HIV meds right away because of my cancer and Sickle Cell? They didnt even have answers as to how I would do on meds or how they would affect my Sickle Cell or cancer treatments. When you are the one with the answers, but you cant answer my questions or there are too many answers for the same questions it leads me to question and right now I am really questioning this whole thing. I am not saying I believe HIV wont lead to AIDS and I am not saying that people have not died from AIDS. I am saying that the medical community doesnt know enough and in my opinion arent doing enough to find out. When we get in bed with the devil (drug companies) then devilish things will become the result of this. When I see funding for AIDS Treatment Educators coming from drug companies and when I see the same people who are suppose to be advocating for a cure for ALL, not just those who are rich and can afford it, I have to question this.

Homeless, HIV and AIDS are very serious matters and for anyone, ANYONE to make light of or not take them very seriously is very disturbing to me. I had to fist fight a great deal when I was homeless. I’ve seen gay men get the shit beat out of them for no other reason then them being gay. But when you are gay and homeless here in Los Angeles, more then likely you will end of on skid row which is the most worst place for someone who is dealing with homelessness, let alone someone who is gay. it is a very non gay friendly place, so why is it that the community doesnt do more to make sure that gay men and women arent sent to the lions den simply because they are homeless?

Homelessness is no laughing matter and it is certainly nothing that anyone, especially gay people should make light of for any reason. I now know 6 people who have died from AIDS that were homeless and for me this is nothing to joke about or make light of. It certainly isnt something one should just blurt out in the heat of the moment when the fact of the matter is you have some demons you need to deal with.

I made it through 22 months of homelessness because I refused to take bullshit and unacceptable situations from the places and people who are supposed to help me through it. instead they provided roads that would keep me in it much longer then it has to be, because people are getting filthy rich off the suffering of others. This is very true for HIV and AIDS as well.

There isnt a damn thing funny about playing games with the life of someone. Just like there isnt a damn thing funny about homelessness and it a down right rude, disrespectful and evil of anyone who makes jokes, makes light of and doesnt take homelessness dead serious. People in this country DIE while battling homeless. I had a gun in my face while homeless, I had to fight for MY THINGS while homeless, I even had to fight simply because I walked down the wrong damn street, so dont make light of homelessness. it just inst fucking funny and YOU need to fucking get this.

I am through homelessness right now, but it can happen at anytime for any reason and I am fully prepared for that. Where I live now, I dont pay rent and I clearly have no real voice here, so I know full damn well if I say things that piss me off or upset me, or call things out I run the risk of being thrown out again. So I I keep things bottled up inside of me and I know this is one reason why my Sickle Cell kicks in more times then it ever has since I was a kid.

When my doctors asked if I was homeless again, my heart dropped, because I never want to read that page again, but I know if I have to I can and I will get through it again. But to hear that I have yet another upper respiratory infection from “living in an unclean environment” just makes me heart break. It also makes my soul hurt.

In all of this, I will trust in God because besides myself, he is the ONLY one who loves me unconditionally. He is the only who truly can make a way out of no way and I know he will do it again, just like he has done in the past.

I am glad God is who he is, because if he were one of those who claim to care, I would have been dead a long time ago. In all of this I will continue to trust, believe and wait on him, counting my blessings and taking direction from him ONLY, because he is my ALL, my EVERYTHING, my SHELTER in the time of storm, my WHEEL in the middle of the wheel, my STRONG tower, my WAY maker, my PEACE giver, my COMFORTER, HE IS my KING, my SUNLIGHT when it is raining. GOD IS and since he IS, I am fearing NOTHING, not homelessness, not HIV, not man, NOTHING.

My FAITH is rooted and it will not be changed. It is my FOUNDATION and it is SOLID and it wont be chipped.

This morning when I woke up I heard my Ma telling me firmly “Be still baby and fear nothing, you just need to trust God. This too shall pass. You stay strong.”

SO LONG GUYS

I am giving up the main spotlight since so many people are starting to blog. Shyron, Courtney, Forah, Jeff, Lyndia and even Dab have done blogs this week. AWESOME and powerful too. So I am spreading my blogs out in the many groups that are here. So please keep bloggin guys and look for my blogs in the groups.

You have to check to where I what blog I will blog in

Hope you all had an awesome Easter Weekend.

A homeless artist drew this picture of me. I will blog him in tomorrows blog

My Life Through My Lens

No Weapon formed against me.

The last few days have been pretty hard for me. I have this tooth that has been bothering me, so I havent felt very well. The pain gets so bad at times can hardly sleep. So I reached out on facebook for some help with getting to a dentist and today I was able to go see one. Good news right? Well the bad news is this. I hae to have three teeth pulled and I am very unhappy about this because I have made every effort to get this taken care of, but clinic always say “this is major surgery and we cant do that” So now something that was minor is now something very major for me simply because I am now poor without medical of any kind.

They worked on one tooth today for over two hours and all I have for the huge amount of pain I am now in is over the counter Tylenol which does nothing for my Sickle Cell pain, so I knew it would do nothing for the pain I now have in my mouth. On top of this the tooth they pulled wasnt even the tooth that is really bothering me. So now I have the pain from that tooth much worse and this huge hole where the other tooth use to be.

What kills me is the fact that I am now in this situation because I am poor and formerly homeless. I run the risk of having the infection in my mouth affect my HIV, Sickle Cell and many other things can happen from simple neglect. It isnt like I just let this go and wasnt doing all I could to get it taken care of. I will now have three top teeth completely gone from my mouth, which will greatly affect my quality of life. In addition to this being three teeth gone, this is also the side that I chew on. As if I dont already have enough crap I am dealing with in my life, I now have this.

The dentist who worked on me today were awesome and I am so appreciative for them being so kind and so gentle with me. I have a HUGE fear of needles, but when she did the injections she made sure I was comfortable. The first injection I almost didnt feel at all, however the injection close to the tooth they worked caused some discomfort, but throughout the entire procedure both doctors were awesome at making sure I wasnt in any pain and that I was completely comfortable the entire time. I will return next week to have the other teeth removed. I am hoping they will be able to take booth teeth at once instead of having to come back for a third time, but however long this will take I will make certain I comply with dates I need to be there.

To be very honest I am very upset by the entire thing. I am very proactive with my health care, so would say I am far too active, but apparently not enough, because even with all the advocacy I do, it still isnt enough to prevent things like this from happening. At the end of the day, the only one who suffers is ME and people like me. So when people tell me to rest and slow down, there simply is no time for this, because while it may look like I am only fighting for others, I am also very much fighting for myself as well. If I dont do it, then who?

Simply looking inside my mouth is so damn depressing. How can I ever smile with this huge space in my mouth? How does a person feel comfortable talking, smiling or even laughing with the what I now see? I am no just talking about me, so dont make it about me. What about the person who already feels they are ugly? What about the person who already feels their life isnt worth holding on to? What about the person already dealing with the hurt and shame of homelessness? What about the person who already has so much shame and the thoughts of feeling like they are damaged good because of HIV or AIDS? How do people who are not as strong as I am handle looking in the mirror and seeing what I now see? What others will see when they open their mouth? What others will think of them? Judgments people will make? Comments and all the giggles, jokes and laughs they will simply have to endure for something that could have very easily been taken care of?

It seem like when I fix one thing here come something else to screw things up, cloud my vision and cause me to question if I have done something wrong when I know I have done all I could. Cause me to say “well you should have tried harder” when I tried as hard as I could. I asked as much as I could. so who is left with the UGLY smile? The YUCK mouth? Who will be the blame for this? ME, I will have to shoulder it all, just like others in my situation why people sit back and talk trash, make judgments and comments.

When I look inside my mouth, I see the huge gap where one tooth use to sit and I will still have two more teeth removed. Running my tongue over the area where my tooth you to sit and seeing it in the mirror looks and feels disgusting, it looks disgusting and I know others will judge me for it, Just like I am judge and looked down upon for having been homeless, for having HIV, for have cancer, Sickle Cell and even for being Black. No I am someone who didnt take the time to take care of my teeth.

My pain level is always rather high because of my Sickle Cell and I manage it on my own. Today my pain level is far beyond what I am use to managing, but I am poor and have no other choice to but try my very best to manage it and get through this and I will get through it. But why should anyone have to go through this crap?

When I was told I was HIV positive my life really changed. I was homeless and had already been in plenty of fights on the streets, so I knew that fist fighting was no longer an option for me. When I was told i would be sent to a place that I already knew had no medical care and I had already had to fight for my belongings there I said “No, that isnt an option. I will more then likely have a fist fight there and I will no accept you placing in in harms way.” The hospital social worker told the person that does the intake that I felt I was “too good” for a shelter. When all I simply asked was not to be placed in a location where I had already had fist fights. It’s not like I have a cold or the damn flu. I am HIV positive and not only will that location not be safe for me, it wasnt safe for the person or persons who might think I am some fagot they can just walk over

I’ve cut myself twice since becoming HIV positive and each time I have freaked out about it, even though I know there is no way I can infect anyone by simply cutting myself. I yelled at the lady who tried to help me clean up the glass I cut myself on when I was carrying bottles down to do the recycling for the house. I simply freaked out about the thought of her coming in contact with my blood and she becoming sick because she was only trying to help me.

The one thing I really noticed today was how I was treated extra carefully, how needles or anything that came into contact with my blood was handled. even though I know it was just added precaution it still made me feel damaged and dirty. It made me feel less then a regular person. It made me feel like people have to be extra careful around me, because I am an “bio-hazard” HIV makes me feel like I am dirty and unclean.

Now I am sitting here with a wide open hole in my mouth and I have my moth tightly closed. Biting down hard to make sure not one drop of blood gets out. Using bleach to clean up everything because one of my roommates already puts paper on the seat, so I know he isnt cool with me being HIV positive no matter how much or how many times he tells me it has nothing to do with me. I know it has everything to do with me.

So not only am I very upset about the fact that I now look like some crack head or someone who doesnt care about my teeth, but I now feel even worse then I already feel about having HIV. Even though I know I am not a crack head and I do care very much about my teeth and I know HIV should have no bearing on how I am treated or looked at, it very much does and it makes me feel like crap, less then, like someone who doesn’t have the right to be here anymore and that isnt a good feeling at all.

However in all of this I will count the many awesome and truly amazing blessings I still have from God and I will be glad in them. I look around blog network that use to only house a blog for me, that now welcomes people and embraces for them for who they are and not for what I wish them to be. I see awesome people loving and embracing each other as God would have us to do. As I look back at where my life once was and where it is now I must smile and be happy because it is far greater, more satisfying, more successful, more about Gods plan and not my own, more rich with the fullness of God and all his might and no longer filled with fancy things that have no real meaning other then to make me look special. As I look at people who are in my life, not because I have a fancy BMW or fancy clothes from high priced department stores, but because of who I am and what I stand for. As I see who stands with me and for me because they see the true me and not something they have hoped for or created for me, I am happy and at peace because God has and is supplying all my needs according to my faith just like he said he would.

As I look back and see all that many say I have lost, I see what God has replaced it with and I see that “fancy” has no place in my life and the “will of God” does. As I see all that I have gone through and will have to go through, I must smile because I see the blessings that have come out of my struggles not for me but for others. As I look back and see all the tears I have shed for things that have happened to me, I see all the good that has happened for others and I am please because this shows me that my suffering and my labor was not and will not ever be in vain.

As I sit in in the worst pain I simply say “ok God, I will go through it, because I know when it is all said and done, others will not have to go through as much because you have allowed me you child to go through it and be a witness of your grace and mercy” As I sit here in pain, feeling shattered I know I am not broken. Although I may be weary, I will press on, shaken, but here I stand as living proof that my God is able to bring and carry me through the worst of times no matter who tries to stand or come against me, as long as I stand and be still I will be just fine.

Ma, use to tell me “to whom much is given, much is required” and in my life God has given me so much and I am blessed because of it. As I look at where my life is now, I am so damn proud of the man I am, the KING that lives in me, the power to move forward and smile as the rain continues to pours down in my life. I will always know that in the end I will always know, trust and believe that I am greater then sickness, I am greater then poverty, I am greater then homelessness, i am greater then cancer, I am greater then Sickle Cell, I am greater then HIV. I can move mountains, I can part angry seas and my life is GOLDEN and worth living because when God created me he created an original. I am special in every way thinkable. I am somebody, even in homelessness I AM somebody, even with HIV I am STILL somebody and my thoughts are powerful, my actions carry a mighty weight, my mind can not only think awesomeness, but I have the power to carry it out and to do it far better then anyone on this planet because I am the child of the most high king and I have found favor in his sight.

Trails in this life will come, and they will even be hard for me to bare at times, they will cause me to stumble and fall, to not feel like I am able to move on, but I stand here today to not because I always do what is right, God knows that I dont. I stand here not because I am so faithful or that I always obey, because I dont. I stand here not because I am so great and always do the things that are pleasing, no not at all. But I stand here today because GOD LOVE ME, from the crown of this head to the sole of my feat, God loves me. He loves me, he thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, even with all my faults and flaws and blemishes he still loves me and calls me his child. No matter how far I go off the path GOD STILL LOVES ME. He loves me and NOBODY can tell me otherwise, so it is with this love that I will continue to stand up, speak out, protest, say no and be a mighty voice for those who are ignored.

I cant speak for nobody else, but I know what God has done for me. So when I find myself in a midnight hour like I am right now, I will only call one name that is above all others, I will call on my wheel in the middle of the wheel and I will come through because I have tried him and I know he is good. So if God does nothing else for me, he has already done more then enough.

People have asked where do I find the courage to keep fighting? Where do I find the will? How do I always seem to smile? Well let me tell you. I find it in Christ who has never let me down, who has never disappointed me, who has never turned his back on me, who is always there when I call. When sickness took over this broke down body my doctor is Christ. When homelessness seeks to destroy me, I find shelter in Christ. When friends walk out, Christ stands right here with me. He is my doctor in a sick room, ,my lawyer in a courtroom. MY ALL, MY WAY MAKER, MY BRIDGE, MY PROTECTOR. Christ is how I get up each and every day, CHRIST is my comforter. Christ is my friend when no one answers their phone. Christ keeps me and I know he will always keep me no matter what.

So when my mountain seems and looks to high, I know God will make a way. The challenges in my life are there to make me strong, so when I look back and see all that I have been through, I am happy for the journey because I know it is all part of my path toward the victory God has for my life.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper. PERIOD!!!!!!

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