Project Kengikat

Not Getting Derailed

// September 15th, 2009 // Uncategorized

My Monday started out kind of rough, but I was able to rebound it be not allowing being called “nigger” by this guy in my building and a few other things take me off track and derail the rest of my day. I will say that being called “nigger” was not how I wanted to start my day, but I know I made it very clear to the jackass not to ever address me as such ever again or my fist would knock every damn tooth is his face down his damn throat. I even smiled and told him to have a nice day after I said what I had to say. The word was hurled at me after I had waited for more then 45 minutes for this person to come take their clothes out of the washers in the building where I live. 45 minutes was really being nice and I had reached my level of nice, so I removed the clothes and places them in the drier and this is when he told me “Dont you ever touch my clothes again you fucking nigger”

Now at first I was a bit taken back and for just one second I was about to let it go and that is when he asked “Do you hear me?” like I was some child or some punk ass that was supposed to be afraid of him and all has wanna be gang member tattoos. This is when I looked at him and said “What the fuck did you just call me?” he started to repeat it and that is when I started walking toward and he then said “I dont want no problem with you man.” and I replied “You should have thought about that before you called me nigger.” He ran out and few minutes later he returned with two guys and I looked at all three of them and said “What did you bring your boys to help you? Cause if you did then they will get their asses kicked too.” They asked what happened and I explained to them what took place. They asked him  if it was true and he said “yes” and right in front of them is when I told him I would put my fist through his face if he ever called me that again. They laughed and walked out.

When I got back to my apartment I was pretty pissed off and was also very heated, this is when my phone rang and I guess by the tone of my “hello” my niece knew something was wrong. “Uncle Louis are you ok?” I told her what happened and just like I let he do the week before she let me vent out all the anger that was in me and felt so much better. We laughed and made plans to meet later on for dinner  with her husband and kids. I was so looking forward to this. I finished my laundry, cleaned up my apartment and got busy working on my Unpluggin HIV outreach that takes place this weekend on Skid Row for 40 residents living with HIV or AIDS.

I’ve been working hard on this outreach for about two months now, but donations have been very slow to come in and as of right now I only have two people besides myself who have said they would be there to help me with the outreach, Eric and Natalie and men’s clothing has also been very slow coming in, but once again thanks to my friend Eric and a donation I got from Krystal and Patrick about a month ago I am happy to so I do have some things.

Each time I have extra money I use this to buy things for the outreach. So far I have been able to purchase 12 bottles of conditioner, 12 bottles of shampoo and 12 bottles of body was. Over the weekend my friend Natalie donated 10 more body wash so now I have 22 bottles of body wash. Eric also told me he also got more donations of men’s clothes. So Tuesday will be a day for me to go out and but the food I need for the event and take the last that I have to purchase more hygiene items so I do not have to depend on my friend Eric who said he would be more then happy to help as much as he could.

That’s the cool thing about Eric, he always seems to be right there ready to help and pick up the slack and I cant tell you how much I appreciate this, but I also know that I cant always rely on him because I dont want to bur him out or always turn to him for the balance of what is lacking. I do know that if he was unable to help he would not offer, so again I am so thankful that with him I dont even have to ask. He see’s the vent posted, reads my blogs, see’s my notes, watches my videos and he always seems to come through and that is so awesome. Besides the fact that he too has been a great friend and has also allowed me to vent to him as well.

After spending a great deal of my morning washing and lining things up for Saturday I went to the gym to work out and do my best to clear my head and make certain I was not going to sit and worry about things that I have no control over, sometimes…..well all the time when people say they are going to do things and then flake with no phone call, text or explanation that really bothers me and it bothers me more when they act as if what they have done really means nothing. All this says to me is screw you Kengi and if I call people on their bullshit then I am the bad guy. I really hate that shit and I hate it when people make me the bad guy for their crap. So the gym was much need and after I left I felt so much better. I was also excited because I was going to ceramics at Being Alive.

I spoke to my niece again in the afternoon, I think she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. It’s been so awesome having her to talk to and laugh about things with. She always has a way to make me crack up and for me that is so cool. I also talked to my friend Christina and she wanted to call me and tell me not to worry about my outreach this weekend.  “Kengi you can only do what you can, you cant control all the people who just like to talk and make comments on your blog and facebook about how they will help and then not come through. Do what you can do and God will bless the rest. They will know you did the best you can Kengi. Believe me they know you care for them or you would not work as hard as you do.” Even though in my heart I know I have done all I could and have did my very best I just hate that people do not follow through on their word. It just bothers me.

I was so happy to get to Being Alive and was even more happy to see a face that was always so cool to me when I was there. Troy was awesome and his smile was…..is so cool, warm and welcoming. He was the guy who helped me on the wheel and I made this really cool piece with his help, but it was not there today. However some of my other pieces were there, but the ones that I really worked hard on and put a lot into and really had real meaning for me were gone. But some other things I made were still there and I was happy to see that.

So much has changed with the ceramics it has gone from being in a cat infested studio to being outside in the back yard area of a local West Hollywood business. This was really cool, it added a camp or retreat style feel to it and and the new facilitator Brian was friendly and very cool. Troy and Brian were  both very cool and we got to have some awesome conversation and even some laughs as well. Bart showed up for a minute with a friend who kept the laughs going and then the rest of the afternoon was just us three.

It took a while for me to find my feel for the clay, but once I got going I was able to get two pieces started and once I felt the connection with the clay and myself and all the feelings inside of me I felt my flow, so when it was time to start cleaning up, but I was happy with what I had started so far and I was happy that I took time out for me and spent the afternoon with two very cool guys playing in clay. Not that was art therapy and I loved it.

When I was on the streets Being Alive was a place where I could be off the streets, I didnt have to worry about who I might have to fight, I could take my backpack off and rest my body and mind. I could relax for a few hours and there were days when I was alone so I even got a chance to close my eyes in peace and rest. Being Alive was very much a place where I felt I was safe from all that was going wrong and with painting and ceramics I was able to create things that were from my heart a true expression of me, who I am, what I am feeling and even where my head is. So I am so looking forward to taking time out to do this all over again and the fact that I am able to do it in a outdoor setting with cool guys like Brian and Troy.

I headed home and I was feeling great and those feelings continued when my niece and her family came over. I cooked Salmon for Kevin while the rest of us ate the Chicken soup I cooked the night before and grilled cheese sandwiches. We talked laughed, watched dream girls and just had such a great time. We are making plans to spend at least one day a week with each other where we have dinner and chill out. She and I even talked about having Thanksgiving here at my place. We watched Dream Girls on ABC and I watched as my great nephew did his math homework and the two girls sat next to me and giggled the night away.

The night seemed to be over faster then it started, but when it was over I was in a much better place then where I was when I started my day. I was proud of myself for not allowing something that was meant to derail me have control over my space. I was happy that I took yet another day to focus on me and even made time to work on the work that is now my “NIA” (purpose).

I put on some jazz music and cleaned my kitchen, swept and moped the floor, cleaned the bathroom and ran the vacuum. I then watched the news and nightline, made some hot tea and now I am finishing this blog. My night will end with a hot bath, candles a chapter out of Baskeball Jones, prayer and meditation, giving thanks and a good nights sleep.

My 90 day challenge is going well and I am smiling right now, because I am happy, healthy and I truly love all the real friends I have in life. My life is blessed and I am feeling peace in my space. That is such an awesome feeling.