Frustration
// June 3rd, 2011 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, friends
There are times when I have to take a step back and ask myself why I do what I do. There are times when I feel like what I do does not make a difference as far as the big picture is concerned. I say this because there is almost no change taking place in the way organizations handle and are for the people they claim to to doing so much for.
Yeah, I know there are those organizations who have testimonials from people they say they’ve helped, but having been one of those people I have to question just how much of that “testimonial” is truth and how much of it is “forced” I say this because I know plenty of people who have been homeless and tons more who are low income, living in low income housing who say things in order to get a gift card for food, referrals for service and all sorts of things. But when you get right down to it and are able to speak to them about what is really going on and how much these places truly help, without the pressure of having a representative from the organization present, more times then not, the story will change. Let’s just face it, just like AT&T will not place on their website or printed information how many times they screw customers over, neither will a homeless service organization or any other organization place it there either.
Yesterday afternoon I get a call from someone I do peer support for and right away from the tone of the persons voice I could tell they were upset. Just to confirm this, right away I asked and just as I thought, they were agitated by something that had just taken place.
After speaking with the person and trying to get them to relax and after they asked me to call to try to get a clear answer, I make a call to their case manager who does not answer their phone. So I call another line and get someone who is able to let the person know that I am calling. I was finally able to get the person on the line only to feel like I am being “stonewalled”
Skid Row is like the wild, wild west. Organizations play by their own set of rules and seem to have this “we you gonna tell” attitude about it. I would even say they have this “let’s just fake it until we get caught and they we’ll address it” This is where testimonials come in handy. If you get enough deprived, under cared for, neglected people to say things like “this place did wonders for me” then chances are complaints from people who say otherwise will go ignored.
Many times rules and regulations are set in place, not to help, but to discourage people. If you already have someone dealing with medical issues, housing issues, food and clothing issues or even transportation issues, then adding one more issue or as i like to call them “road blocks” will only cause them to give up and go away and in the end the organization has successfully achieved its unwritten mission.
I mean come on, if a doctor says their patient would greatly benefit from A, B or C, then why would someone stand in the way of the overall medical and mental welfare of someone they claim to be “helping” let me take this just a step further, how can you help someone when you have no clue of what the person is dealing with? How do you help someone when you have no respect, no compassion for the people you say you do so much for? In order words how can I be a heart surgeon and no nothing about the heart….I don’t even know where it is located or how it works.
Later that afternoon I get another call from someone else totally lost with the HIV maze and has no one to turn to. For 45 minutes I listen to this person break down and cry, tell me how they feel like giving up and ask me things like “what have I done wrong” or “why can’t this be fixed”
It frustrates the fuck out of me, because all I can really do is listen and do my best to comfort each person and encourage them to remain engaged. All I can do is allow them to be heard, vent, yell, scream and yes break down and cry, because case managers do not have time to do any of this…they don’t even have time to care.
It frustrates the fuck out of me because after they are calm, after they have been heard, after tears have dried, I then have to encourage them to go right back into the lions den, right back into harms way, right back to the very person, place or things that have caused this in the first place.
I wish that I could wave a stick in the air and tables could be reversed and the people who don’t seem to get the clear fact that there is a HUMAN LIFE at the other end…….let me take that back, I would I could wave a stick in the air and give them a full taste of the bullshit, red tape, office politics, games and drama that they play every single day, calling it work.
I wish I could wave a stick and give each and everyone one of you assholes what it is like to be ignored when you’re in need. Wave that stick and see to it that you eat from a trash can simply because I failed to do my fucking job and then act like it is your fault. Wave a stick and hold you hostage to pain and suffering simply because I do not give a flying fuck about you. Wave a stick and watch you suffer while I go home and forget you even exist.
It is bad enough in this country to be homeless and be fully engaged in doing all you can to change things and the people in line to help you only cause you more hardship, force you to be more broken.
God knows that people with HIV or AIDS deal with enough stigma and ignorance, but to then have the stigma and ignorance come from the very place in line to help you. The very place that you must turn to for help is a breeding ground for HIV and AIDS stigma and ignorance. PLEASE tell me how this is going to help anyone?
After my last phone call I sat on the sofa for one minute and then I smiled because I was thinking of people like Ms. Lopez who treated me with respect and kindness and I now sit in this apartment because she cared. I think of the clinic and amazing Dr. I now have and how HIV is no longer something that causes me such heartache and pain….because they care. I think of my friends who suit up and show up when I can’t even get my ends to look at each other let alone meet. When after 96 job interviews I am still unemployed and $220 per month does not cover even the most below living expense. I think of the people I know who do outstanding jobs for the people they serve and do so because they CARE.
I jumped on my bike and went for a ride. I had hoped to find Judy, but no luck and just as I was heading back home to Hollywood someone stopped me to say “HELLO”
My friend Sells who I met in the West Los Angeles cold weather shelter was smiling at me, looking like a new person, riding a bike with no back pack and many layers of clothes. He was smiling and happy. After over three years of homelessness and three years of begging for help, he found a place on his own. He is now in school and the cell phone I gave him through my cell phone outreach has now been replaced by an iphone that he purchased.
It is very sad that I, like many thousands of people have nothing nice to say about the old guard that has long been in charge of helping homeless people and people with disabilities. This is not to say that these places do not employ some outstanding people who do great work and truly care about the people they serve, but those people are too far and few in between. Those people end of leaving the field and what’s left is the garbage that hold seats of authority, making up silly pointless ass rules so they don’t have to lift a finger to help as many people as they could.
But it’s people like Sells and all the other amazing people whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, people who do care and go far and above what is required to help those in need where I gain my a portion of my strength and courage to “keep it pushing” and then there is my FAITH in God.
With God I am the majority and with God I can do all things.
In my prayers I do not ask God to give me the strength to claim the mountain of mess, I pray that he moves it out of the way.
This long holiday weekend has been awesome. It started with jazz at LACMA and today it ended with an awesome day of picture taking with my friend Franklin, who was just one of my friends who helped me kick my weekend off. All I can say is that I’ve had an amazing, fun filled weekend.
baby on the way, another couple planning a wedding and the last couple has been together for a very long time. They are all great people and to be very honest they are great friends, not just supportive of me, but of my community work as well. At times I feel like a third wheel, even though I know when they ask to hang out they truly want to see me and have some hang time with me.
To address this I have been back on my bike and taking longer walks with Dodger, I am also doing all that I can to address more healthy eating habits, however doing this is a huge challenge on government assistance, but I am doing all that I can. The main thing is that i am making certain in get rest and plenty of exercise.
efforts combined with the backing and support of my friends and supporters. It’s been awesome and the people I have been able to reach has been great, but it is time to step it up and take this outreach to the next level.
I am adding a support group for people battling HIV or AIDS to my Skid Row outreach. I am just so sick and tired and hearing the same old tired line from the “community” and even people at “ASO’s” when it comes to addressing the needs of people who are greatly affected by HIV and AIDS.
There has been so much taking place in my life. Like some of my friends I am experiencing a shift in life which requires me to “be still” It is also requiring that I look at people, places and things in my life that no longer serve a purpose….to be honest some of these things never served a purpose, but I just wanted to hold on to them. That is no longer going to happen.
spend my time and energy is something that is fruitful. There is no point in me toiling in a field that will never bear any good fruit. Now I know this will go far over the heads of many, but for those of you who fully walk in love and light you know full well what I am talking about.
I am staying on my center and my center is God and I will not be shaken off, rocked off, pushed off, shoved off or tricked off my center.
Since my last trip to the hospital I have followed the instructions of my doctors to the letter. I was told to rest, take it easy and try to reduce stress and also to find a way to relax. I have done just that.
speak with my doctor about the possibility of me being so depressed that I need meds for it. In defense of my dear friend, she did not hint or imply this at all, however the other person did because she felt I was crying far too much. Apparently crying is a sign that someone is depressed and in needs of drugs to control them.
It’s been awesome hanging out with friends, going to lunch, dinner and even on picture safaris. This week alone I have already gone on three and tomorrow I am planning to go on one alone. I must say that several people have asked me to hang out tomorrow, but none of them have confirmed if in fact they truly want to do this. The old me would check in and make sure, but this new me is no longer begging people to come hang out or follow through on things they set into motion.
peace in my life and the coolness of the real people in my life. From my awesome friends I’ve made through YOUTUBE, this blog to the crazy, sexy, cool friends in my daily life. My life is rich and truly blessed.
As I have said before here and even on my youtube channel, getting my final pay check from Tri Delta Sorority has been like pulling teeth. After several calls to the house director and several emails to the house president all of which went unreturned, I finally called an attorney who was more than happy to help me with this matter.
knocked on my front door. Dodger barking and running to the door made it hard for me to ignore it and go back to sleep. I went to the door only to see the smiling face of my friend Bradly and his two kids, they even had their little dog in toe. I totally forgot they were coming over.
They talked for a bout 10 minutes and by the time they were done I could feel the tears about to fall from my eyes. I gave Bradly a hug and kissed them goodbye. When I closed the door the tears just came on like a flood gate had been opened. I could not even fight them or control them. The things they said were so kind and pure, to be very honest they were innocent and very raw at the same time. What made me cry was that here were two kids only 9 and 10 years old and they had such love, respect and compassion not just for me, but towards people in general. I was crying because I dont know many adults that have this. My tears fell even more when I thought of them growing up and the innocents about them is replaced by life and how it can change a person.
stores to get some items to help round things out for the Do Something Kits. Once I got back home I walked Dodger again and then began to put the Do Something Kits together
From here on out my focus is on my work and nothing else and just as my friend Bradly reminded me, God will always take good care of me, just like he has done my entire life.
This week has been pretty relaxing for me. I’ve emailed my resume for two job openings that my friend told me about and later she went a step further and recommended me for the job. I have a pretty good feeling about, but the best thing is that I no longer has the incredible and in many cases life threatening stress of cooking for people who truly did not appreciate it. The possibility of working in the field where. I already do my community work is simply awesome and I am so looking forward to it.
benefit from the outreach, I had already heard from them just how successful the event was and most importantly how very thankful they were to be able to be part of the people who received gently used dishes to help make their house more of a home.
Today my friend took us all to lunch to show her appreciation and thanks to us for helping her make her event a huge success, but in the end it is me sitting being so thankful to her for allowing me to be of service to those who are in need through the amazing work she is creating.
joy……..”connection without bureaucracy”
On February 3, 2011, the outreach that I created while I was homeless celebrated it’s 4th birthday. it was such a happy and proud time for me. Who would have ever thought that my attempt to reach out and help people who are homeless would grow to what it is today and be so embraced, loved and respected by so many?
I was homeless. To be honest if it wasn’t for him I would have been close to death on what was the coldest February on record, by showing me how to use newspaper to help keep me warm and how to dig a small trench to prevent the wind from blowing across my body while sleeping on the sand at the beach. It was so cool to see him. Later this week I will be picking up a cell phone and taking it to him so he is able to stay connected.
Sunday I had someone stopping by to drop off donations for the Do Something Kits. This person watches my YOUTUBE channel and happened to see me on the bus coming home from work one day. I was on the phone, but we got off at the same stop and he tapped me on my shoulder to say hello. It was really cool to have met him and later it would mean donations for the Do Something Kits.
He and I hung out and talked while I finished cooking “Sunday Dinner” for homeless people. This was an added outreach that I planned since I knew I would be home and had the money to purchase the food. After passing out 12 chicken dinners and 10 Do Something Kits, I had the cool opportunity of speaking with this awesome young man on camera.
It’s been a while since I’ve had my two friends Donald and Walter over for dinner, in fact it was long overdue, so after chilling with Donald on Friday, I knew it would be awesome to hang out with him and Walter, so right away I made the calls and after hearing “yes” from both of them I made the plans to have an awesome Sunday afternoon with great food and plenty of smiles and laughs.
just had to wash dishes from the night before….yes sometimes I leave dishes in the sink. This was a huge no, no as a kid and I use to be the kind of person that was very anal about this, but now if I am not feeling up to washing dinner dishes, then they will wait until the next day. The word never comes to an end because i have not washed them and since I don’t have any bugs I don’t worry about leaving a plate or a cup.
Ok, so as I was saying, it rained today and for some reason I really enjoyed it more then I normally do. Walking to Trader Joe’s was nice and unlike before when I had to bundle up because the rain was coming down pretty hard, this time I simply slipped on a t-shirt, thermo, heavy scarf and a knitted cap and I was off.
I added some fresh grilled shrimp to the ground soy I used for the wraps. I also picked up some juices that I would offer with the water and squirt I already had.
The sun has set, most of the kitchen is clean and I have had my hot bath. I am sitting on the sofa uploading my photos from tonight, Dodger is sitting on the arm of his chair snoring, the blinds are closed, my apartment is cozy and I am about to lit my candles and burn some sage.
