Project Kengikat

HIV

// February 28th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, health

Many times I am asked what the hardest thing about being HIV positive is and each time the answer is the same. “The hardest thing for me has been all the ignorant comments and questions I must endure”

There isn’t a day that goes by that someone doesn’t leave a nasty or negative comment on my youtube channel and there are not many days that go by where I don’t have to read a comment from someone who is clearly just as ignorant as the most ignorant person on the planet.

Now most times these comments don’t really get to me, but there are those time when they do. Not because they are aimed at me, but because I know there is someone, some where battling HIV or AIDS that can not take such harsh, uneducated, ignorant and even vile comments. Not everyone is as strong as I am, so many times the concern and even the hurt and yes the shedding of tears is for those who can’t take the evil that gets thrown at us.

However most times the anger is for the sheer ignorance of the people who make such statements and comments. It is simply appalling that someone could be so silly, so childish, so unenlightened, so uneducated, so unkind….so unhuman to allow such things to fall from their lips.

I am not on any HIV meds yet, right now my body is doing a great job on its own. However I do go to the doctor as required and I follow her instructions. I have some awesome people in my life who have been HIV positive for many years, some of these people have been positive since the start of the pandemic, so for me to have them in my life as friends and living testaments is nothing short of a major blessing from God.

Most of the people I know that are HIV positive are on meds and the stories they share so freely with me will serve me well if I ever have to start taking meds. I am blessed to know that not only do I have a great doctor and an awesome support team at my clinic, but I also have a close circle of friends to help me get through it as well and in the end I know I will be just fine.

DISCLOSING

Who has the right to know about my HIV status? Well if you read this blog, watch my vlog  or see my speak on the subject then you would know that pretty much anyone who encounters me has access to knowing my HIV status. But if this wasn’t the case, who would have the right to know that I am HIV positive?

Other than my doctor and other medical professionals who care for me and people I am sexually active with, no one has the right to know my status. I am not obligated to tell anyone. Even if I go out on a date I do not have an obligation to tell the person I am on the date with that I am HIV positive.

I know this is a hard pill to swallow for some people because they feel everyone has the right to know, furthermore they feel that each time you go on a date you should be telling the person that you are HIV positive. But the fact of the matter is this. My person medical information is just that….personal and no one has the right to have access to it without my consent.

Clearly the word date has meaning different meaning to so many people, but for me the word means just what it implies…..NOTHING. A date is a meeting of two people. As my friend Travis so eloquently put it, “it is a conversation” no where in any date that I have been on has there ever been sex involved.

I don’t go into a date with this “agenda” of meeting my soul mate or Mr. Right Now. It is simply a date, so therefore I will not be disclosing my personal medical information to someone I may never see again. However if the subject came up, I would answer the question honestly.

Too many people feel it is their duty to instruct you on who you should tell and when you should tell them, but the bottom line is this, they dont have a say, they get get a vote and it is none of their damn business who you tell or when you tell. Sometimes it is best to just simply say to people “mind your own fucking business and stay the hell out of mine”

I will have enough decisions that I will have to make when it comes to being HIV positive and each of these decisions will be made with the advice of my doctors and close friends, but the final choice and decisions will be made by me and only me.

Awesome Week

// February 12th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // Chef, Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time, friends, health, work

Although this week went by very fast, it was a very busy week for me, with changes taken place at work and outreaches, placing final things in order for the rest of the month as well as getting ready for what could be a battle for my job. By Friday I was feeling a cold trying its best to get stronger from the day before, but Friday night I took measures to head it off at the past.

WORK

This was the last week of having two chefs of the kitchen. The other chef who cooks dinner give her notice and Friday was her last day. If you have been reading this blog then you know how hard ti was to work with her, but I did all I could to make the situation work. However in the end she made the choice that she had mentioned several times before which was to quit and find a job that worked best for her.

The last week working with her was very pleasant, for some reason she was very relaxed and in many ways very helpful and considerate, but she stuck to her guns about helping to keep the pantry and refrigerator clean and stated true to form with ordering far more then what was needed and three times used items that were supposed to be for breakfast or lunch. However this is now in the past as Friday was her last day.

She seems to be very happy with the new job she will be working and I am happy that she found a place that she feels will work best for her. She will be working at a very high placed eatery in the Arts District of Downtown Los Angeles. A place I am very fond of and a place that has a really cool vibe.

The other thing that took place this week was the fact that I would be training the new chef on Monday and Tuesday of next week. I also was asked by the director to plan a dinner menu for the week as well, but by Wednesday after ordering food for the following week I was told that this would not be the case because there would be no evening chef, but instead a catering company that would not require any training or assistance from me.

For me this raised some red flags mainly because I use to cater and I know the ultimate goal was to have the entire operation and not just part of it. Moreover, according to the house director they have requested that I be out of the kitchen by 1:30pm, which is 30 minutes before my schedule time ends. I raised this point with the director and she did her best to simply dodge the issue with the answer of “well I will have to talk to Brian and see what he has to say about this.”

Now according to the director, the kitchen is about six thousand dollars over budget. For me this is hard to swallow because we have never been given a budget for the kitchen. In any case just while going over all the invoices and making certain that all bills have been paid and that we are current with each vendor, I find that we have nearly a eight thousand credit with the very vendor the director made the choice to stop using.

I made my finding known to the house president as well as to the house treasurer expressing that it would be better to no longer order from other vendors until will use this credit that we have with the other vendor. Doing so would bring the kitchen back on budget with room left to move. They thought this was best, but we will see what takes places in the coming weeks.

As I stated before, the order for next weeks food had already been placed, instead of simply refusing all the items that were order for dinner, the director made the choice to keep the entire order saying “We will just use the extra dinner items for lunch” However in our meeting just last week, the house president expressed that sometimes lunches are a bit heavy, these would be menus that I have not planned, but menus submitted by the house director or the former evening chef. When I mentioned this to the director she simply said “It would not be fair to Oscar if we cancel half this order. They will just have to deal with it.”

Other the this my time at work has been awesome, as I have stated many time on this blog and on my youtube channel the girls I would for are awesome and I love working for them. I made some baked tofu this week and even introduced Soy Lettuce Wraps which were a hit with the entire house. Something the director said would not be well received by the meat eaters. Again she was dead wrong, but then again she always is.

So my goal next week to to continue to do the very best job I can and do all that I can to make sure the kitchen runs on budget, meals continue to be awesome and that the members remain happy with the service I provide them. Judging from the applause I got after a Friday brunch where at one point I had next to 15 brunch tickets stacked up on the counter and from the all the smilies and love the girls continue to shower on me, I am certain my job is till secure. However I am leaving nothing to chance.

OUTREACHES

By Friday I wasn’t feeling all that great so I was happy that I had made some arrangements with my friend KoKo who had some donations from  cousin Mona to give to me because she could not use them. So the items that I planned to do the Skid Row outreach for were passed to my friend and she would drop them off next week.

When I am not feeling well it is always so nice to have a friend like KoKo help me do with I do and even better to know that people like Mona are out there doing what they can, when they can to help people in need. I was also able to get some information from my friend that will help someone who is homeless and looking for a place to live. Through her advice and support I am hoping that this person will follow though and eventually get his own place to live.

I’ve also received a few emails from one of the guys down at Chess Park. His cell phone has died on him, so he asked if I could help him get another phone. I just happen to have a few phones in my donations closet, so I am able to give a phone to him. I just need to load some minutes on the phone and then meet up with him on Sunday. I will also be able to give him a hygiene kit as well.

One of the cool points of my week was the pleasant surprise I received from my friends Kim and Nicole who live in Milwaukee. They sent three boxes with shoes, Do Something Kits and a brand new Fox Sports jacket. The shoes and jacket were part of the outreach to people on Skid Row battling HIV and AIDS. Thanks to my friend KoKo the outreach went on as planned, so this was awesome for me.

SATURDAY

It’s Saturday and it is beautiful outside. Because I am not feeling my best I am simply going to take it easy and relax today. I need to be in top health come Monday as I prepare to pull out all the stops and stay on top of my game. A task I am sure the director thinks I will fail at badly. She must not know about me.

Have A Happy Day!!!!

// January 28th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Canon, HIV and AIDS, Me Time, Pictures, photos

Today more then ever I wanted to get out of my apartment and have a great day. It was sunny and pretty warm out and I refused to sit inside and let this day slip away from me. I was up pretty early to watch Good Morning America and then spent some time talking with a friend in Atlanta and then cousins out in Texas.

By mid morning I had called my friend Donald and made plans to spend the better part of my day with him. Since I had not seen him in a while I thought this would be one sure fire way to get me to laugh and have a great time with an awesome friend. I am so glad I called him, because from start to finish I was laughing and having such a good time.

However first there were some things I really needed to make sure were in place, so I could have some peace in my mind that I have done all I am supposed to do. I’ve been worried that I have not heard anything from the housing authority with regard to changing my rent since I am now working. I have placed calls to the office, but they have gone unreturned. So I started making my case manager aware of this and today when I talked with her, I one again expressed my concern that I have not received a return phone call.

She assured me that she would look into it and also would make sure she made notes so if the situation ever came up that Ihave not tried to report a change in income, she would have it documented in my file. This was my second call to my case manager and the 3rd time we have spoken about this matter. I certainly don’t want my housing to be in jeopardy because of some oversight that is not from a lack of me trying to do the right thing.

I also needed to speak with my case manager to inform her on my medical appointments as well as all other things I have been doing this month. Since my housing depends on me going to the doctors and doing all I can to educate myself about HIV I have to report what I am doing each month. For the most part this is not a big deal for me because I am always going to HIV updates, doing my volunteer work and even doing my own peer support which all count as me doing all I can to educate myself as well as take full care of myself. Since I am working now, having a face to face meeting with my case manager each month is a bit hard, so she and I have worked out a way for me to do my monthly reports that does not require me to take time off from work.

While I am was hanging out with my friend I received a phone call from my case manager, she told me she received an email from my analyst at the housing authority letting her know that she had in fact got my calls and would take care of any changes at my next certification. I was so happy to hear this and in turn this news helped me to relax when it comes to my housing.

Donald and I headed over to the Beverly Center and as always Donald looked like a million bucks. I joked with him saying “are you ever casual Donald” He laughed and said “I am casual”

Right away Donald was on top of his game which meant I was laughing and smiling the entire time. There is just no way you can spend time with him and not laugh the entire time. The bus ride over to the mall was like comedy hour. At one point I was in tears from laughing so hard.

I had a $100 gift card from Bloomingdale’s, so I wanted to get some Armani and Channel cologne for myself. I also wanted to stop into the APPLE Store and take a look at the laptops and give myself a visual on what I want to get for myself.

After leaving the Bloomingdale’s at the Beverly Center, we headed over to NORMS to get a bite to eat and continue our laugh fest. It’s been sometime since I have eaten at NORMS, but eat time I go I am always happy with the food I am served and the service is always nice as well. It always surprises me how a place like NORMS can have such low prices but serve steaks that are tender and juicy. While other places have high prices and steaks that taste like rubber.

Back home Dodger welcomed me with barks followed by kisses. I uploaded my youtube video and started my night to unwind. I spoke with my friend Walter and then to my friend Seth. It was nice to hear his happy voice on the other end of the phone. He told me he had read my blogs and rather then comment he thought he would call me to let me know he was thinking about me.

Right now I am watching World News with Diane Sawyer, I have some scented candles burning and later I am sure I will take a hot bath. Saturday is yet another day for me that will start early. I have an appointment to get my carpet cleaned and then plan to take some time out taking pictures. I am hoping to find a place where I can take pictures of simple things.

In all my day was filled with love, light and laughter. My heart is filled with joy and my soul is at peace.

DAY 3

// January 20th, 2011 // No Comments » // Exercise, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Me Time, diet, health

My last trip to the doctor was a great one, however there was a possibility that I had glass in foot. Since I was going in to meet with one of the medical advisors I also thought I would try to see my doctor as well. As soon as I saw her, she left her seat and came to give me a hug. It is always so cool to go to the doctor. Having my doctor hug me, much less know who I was or what we last talked about was not something I ever experienced at USC. Hell they never even knew my name, it was always “what’s your patient number” This has never been the case with my current doctor and as I have said before the staff is always so awesome and I am so happy that I am in their care.

So the bad news with my visit was the fact that my sugar was high, not that high, but it was something that I needed to be made aware of. There was also the issue with the weight that I have been packing on. I knew I could take care of both issues, all I had to do was get off my ass and do it. Well I guess i should really say that I need to make certain I am putting my health and well being first. So the very first thing I have done is stop eating so late at night and then going to bed after. I have also started watching my sugar intake. I’ve also started eating more whole grains, veggies and fruits. I am so loving oatmeal in the mornings at work.

The biggest things I have done is getting my butt back in the gym and going out for longer walks with Dodger at least three times a day. Today was day 3 at the gym and I must say I feel great. The biggest thing I have noticed is my energy level is way up and I am sleeping better at night.

So I am back in the gym and this weekend I will be back on my bike as well. I can’t  even tell you how long it has been since I’ve been on my bike, but I can tell you that the air is nearly out of both tires. I can also tell you that I know I have been on it at least once or twice, may three times since I’ve had Dodger. So I guess it is safe to say that I have not been on my bike in a good 9 months. WOW, 9 months, now that is a damn shame.

The good thing is that I am in good health and I know the next time I head to the doctor my sugar will be back in check and I will have lost a few pounds, maybe more. My main goal to not to make excuses for not taking care of myself, because the reality of things is that in not taking care of myself I am going down a dead end road that will lead to death.

I am taking my time with this, because this is about anyone else but me, it’s not a race, but it’s about my health and well being. It is about preserving my good health and not going down the road to high blood pressure and problems with my sugar. It’s about making sure I am around to enjoy an awesome life, my cool friends and to continue the amazing work I have created. It’s about my amazing life.

So here’s to my awesome health!!!

Quiet Thursday

// January 6th, 2011 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness

It’s Thursday the 6th of January and for the most part it has been a very quiet and peaceful day for me. I took the day off from work so that I could could make the long trek to the East Valley in order to get my right foot x-rayed, I also wanted to take some time to do laundry, clean my apartment as well as walk and spend time with Dodger.

My day started with what I thought would be a pretty smooth trip to the East Valley, but when you’re dealing with METRO, nothing is ever smooth. They use to have a slogan that said “travel smart, take metro” Sounds pretty catchy I know, but unlike the public transportation system in cites like New York or even San Francisco where everyone rides public transportation, LA’s system riders are mostly poor and have no other choice. MERTO knows this all too well and takes full advantage of it.

Buses and trains are always late and many of the buses do not have working air and all sorts of other things wrong. Calling METRO to ask why buses or trains are late as always greeted with the next scheduled time. Never an explanation as to why the bus you’ve been waiting for is over 10 minutes late. The drivers are rude and many times will simply pass stops in order to try to get back on schedule. Don’t even think to ask a questions about making connections, because most drivers will pretend not to know, many more will fully ignore you or tell you to call the office. Transfers are also a thing of the past as METRO does not offer METRO to METRO transfers. You also must purchase the TAP card as well as add money to it

The one thing METRO seems to do very well is make sure issue plenty of tickets to people who ride the train without a ticket, but making the system run on time, making sure it is safe or that their drivers do not abuse the very people who keep them in business is not a major concern to METRO. I would even go so far as to say it is not a concern at all.

I’ve only been to the this location once and that was by car, so i had no idea how to get there by bus. I called METRO and afterholding for about 10 minutes I was finally able to speak with someone. However they had no clue which way north, west, east or south was. However he was able to give me the bus numbers and times.

Going was pretty simple, but coming home I would have had to wait over 40 minutes for the return trip, so i decided to take the rapid bus that was headed to Downtown Los Angeles. It wasn’t going to get me near Union Station where I could get the Red Line train home to Hollywood, but I was able to make the connection at the Civic Center station.

Right away there was a problem with this bus, we sat at the stop where i got on for over 8 minutes because the back door would not remain closed. There was also this loud knocking sound under the bus. At one point this woman asked if it was safe to ride this bus. The driver told her she was welcome to get off. The doors finally stayed closed and we were on our way, but the doors were a problem the entire trip.

My foot X-Ray took about 10 minutes, but the bus trip took over 4 hours because the bus ride home was plagued with issues. At one point we changed drivers and the exiting driver didn’t even other to inform the new driver of the problem. Twice I head the new driver call for a new bus or someone to help repair the issue. As I got off the bus at Civic Center the driver had just finished another call for help, this time I think he was going to get some help, but knowing what I know about METRO I don’t think help was ever going to come. METRO simply does not care about the people who ride their buses.

I needed to get the foot X-Ray because there is the possibility that glass may be in my foot. Yes, I said glass. I broke a glass in my kitchen over my winter break vacation and apparently didn’t get it all up. I was sure i got the glass out of my foot, but Monday when I went back to work from vacation, my foot began to really bother me and then the leg began to swell. Tuesday I called to see if I could see my Dr, When I saw her that same day, she ordered the foot X-Ray.

She told me my labs were great, but warned me about my sugar. it was high bu about 3 points, so she suggested watching my diet and making sure I get some exercise. Something I was really on top of, but have slacked off ever since I started this new job.  After speaking with her and listening to her tell me that she knows I can fix this and knowing in my heart and mind that I can fix it as well, I had my wake up call. My body is doing an awesome job battling HIV on its own with no meds, My T-Cells is very high and my viral load is very low, but not taking care on myself by not watching my diet and getting proper exercise can change all this and can even lead to me being a diabetic.

I refuse to go down that road, so already I have made changes to prevent me from being a diabetic and to protect my healthyimmune system. Instead of ordering things like pizza, eating junk food or even a ton of fried food, I am going to make healthy choices. Since I pay for a gym membership, I am going to start using it at least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes. I need to make certain that I am fully paying attention to and taking great care of myself at all times.

I am doing my last load of laundry and gearing up to return to work on Friday. This weekend, provided there is no rain I will return to my ceramics class and i will be walking to and from that class which is about 3 miles each way. Someone who reads my blog has also offered to let me start YOGA for free and I will be doing that as well.

My day out finished with a trip to the drug store to get my multivitamin, baby aspirin and some cleaning supplies. I then spent a good part of my afternoon cleaning my apartment. Dodger has such fine hair so many times I do not see it, but after my first load came from the drier I could see his hair on the vent and after sweeping the hallway and kitchen in my apartment which is tile there was piles of his hair. The goal for me is to buy a new vacuum next month. the cool thing is that two of my friends who have very bad allergies from animal hair have never had a problem when they come to my place. Plus everyone always tells me that my apartment is so clean and it never smells like I have a dog.

I just got off the phone with the other chef who was asked to cover my shift today and she told me that things went well. She also asked if I was going to take another day to rest and I told her no. I missed seeing the girls today and I missed laughing with George. I really missed cooking as well, but I did not miss the rude director.

Well it is time to get my load of whites from the laundry room, fold them, put them away and take Dodger out for his evening walk. I’ve had a really good day and the time off has allowed me to take care of some very important things for myself.

Thanksgiving

// November 9th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

Last year was my first Thanksgiving in my apartment and it was the first Thanksgiving outreach that I have done here in Hollywood marking the second overall Thanksgiving outreach to homeless people here in Los Angeles County. Each time I approach an outreach I do my best to see how it will really help people right now, not weeks, months or years from now. I guess from being homeless I know helping someone right now means so much more to a homeless person.

Last year was the first time I was able to not just feed homeless people, but formerly homeless people and people battling HIV or AIDS, by providing three food boxes to families in need. Thanksgiving day, with the help of friends I was able to feed about 75 people a home cooked Thanksgiving meal. Later I enjoyed the evening with my friends.

So as I type this blog  I am doing so from a much different place then last year. As I said before it was my first Thanksgiving living here after being homeless for 29 months which came to an end in June of 2009. However this year I now have a job and I am able to simply help people instead of waiting and hoping that people will donate items to make what I do possible. I know I can always count on my core group of supporters, but it is now nice to know that I can contribute far more then I use to.

The goal will once again be to feed homeless people, but this year the goal is to provide 10 Thanksgiving food boxes to low income families who are formerly homeless or battling HIV or AIDS. So far thanks to the support of my two friends Tina and Andy who donated two large bags filled with boxes of cornbread dressing mix. I have two people who have said they will donate turkey’s and the rest I will balance out.

I still need someone with a car to help me get the items to the families and also Thanksgiving day I will need people to help me pass out the food to homeless people here in Hollywood.

Once again this will be another Thanksgiving where I am so thankful and humbled by all the blessings God keeps sending my way and yet another year that I will be able to be a blessing to others through my Do Something Saturday outreach.

Another Week

// November 7th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

It’s Sunday and once again I have another week in my review mirror. It was a blessed week, but also a trying week at times when it came to work, but I made it through it and I am so thankful for where my life is and how things have been going for me.

WORK

As I have said before I am so happy to be working again and to be able to pay my bills and have money to do things for myself without having to depend on others to help me. However being back at work brings a whole new test for me. The test to continue my growth and to see just how much i have really changed.

As I said in my last blog, the director and other chef can be hard to deal with. They clearly don’t like each other and they both try to put me in the middle. Well this week I worked on not allowing this to happen and in two cases it caused problems in the kitchen between me and the other chef. She clearly does not want to be there any longer, but she clearly can not afford to not have this job. However this week she has done all that she could to make the work environment a real pain in the ass.

When she shows up she brings this energy that brings the entire vibe of the kitchen down, she also brings this “I have aculinary certificate and you don’t” atmosphere with her. She is constantly ordering the wrong items or just not ordering things I need for the two meals I prepare, which causes me to make last minute changes. The director simply says nothing and allows this to happen, but will then sit back and complain when she is asked to go to the store to correct the problems.

Friday it all came to a head for me when she came into work simply walked around for 10 minutes, set up the chaffers for lunch and then left the kitchen. Now this was after she pulled the very same thing on Thursday when I came back from break at 12:30 only to have her leave the kitchen and stay in the basement until 2:00pm. Both times she did this meant that the dishwasher and I were left to run the kitchen alone with no help from her.

When she finally came back to the kitchen long after brunch was started, walking in like she is the last Queen on the planet and then ordering the dishwasher around, I stopped her dead in her tracks. I asked where she had been, why she would simply walk off leaving work that is to be shared by both of us to me and the dishwasher. I asked her what her problem was and shy she always comes to work with such a “stank ass” attitude.

She acted as if she had done nothing wrong, but later asked me if we could talk and this is when she broke down into tears telling me that she would rather work alone. She said she was angry that I have come in and done a great job while she has been there for 8 weeks and still continues to struggle and have a very hard time. She is angry that the members seem to like me better then her and wonders why my two meals are always gone, but her one meal always has a ton of leftovers.

She went on to say that this is her problem and has nothing to do with myself and the other staff members, but she had no answers as to why she treats people on the staff the way she does, no answers for why she cant seem to do her job and no answers as to how she will correct any of this.

However before leaving I did mention to the director that the atmosphere in the kitchen must change and since the other chef has said that the problems in the kitchen are not the other staff members, but her. Since she said that she is not a good fit for the kitchen and does not want to work with me or anyone else, then I feel it is up to the director to make the decision to let her go. But once again the so called director is simply allowing this to continue.

The good news is that I love the work that I have been able to do. I love the working relationship with the dishwasher and the maid. The members are happy with my meals and are happy that I am in the kitchen. it is cool how they come into the kitchen to talk with me and how kind and polite they are when I am in the dinning room.

Overall I would say that I am 95% happy with the job and I am 100% pleased and happy with the meals I have been cooking and simply thrilled at the fact of the members being very happy with how I am working in their kitchen.

When I took the job I knew it would be a challenge to not just return to the high paced forever changing food service in this area of cooking, but I also knew I would be challenged by someone who has a culinary certificate and feels that since they have this they are some how a better cook and better leader then myself. However what she has learned from working with me is that she is not a better cook and certainly is not a better leader. Her so called degree has not prepared her for a real kitchen where you must be on top on everything from top to bottom without fail….well very little fail.

Her degree has fed her ego and now it is so big she can’t see that she is causing herself so much harm that she could be fired. Her ego will not allow her to allow me to help her with order food and even doing inventory. She must control all of this, because she has been taught that she is not supposed to ask her team members for help.

OUTREACHES

It’s already November and Thanksgiving is right around the corner and this year I want to give complete Thanksgiving boxes to at least 5 families. So far I am pretty sure I will reach that goal. I am also pretty sure I will surpass this gaol. My friends Tina and Andy have already donated  10 boxes of dressing mix, now that I am working I know I will be able to buy 10 turkeys and the rest of the items to go into a box that will help to make this Thanksgiving a time for a a family to be a little more thankful for how their life is truly blessed.

I am also gearing up for a large Do Something Saturday outreach for homeless people battling HIV or AIDS by preparing to give Do Something and Life Kits to Common Ground in Santa Monica, The Jeff Griffith Youth Center in West Hollywood and AIDS Project Los Angeles.

Thanks to the help of my friends Darlyna, Kai, Audrey and Courtney I am already off to a an awesome start for this outreach. Once again, because I am now working I will be able to round out what I am not able to get donated and even add to the total as well.

There are some homeless people right near my job so I will make a point of making certain they have Do Something Kits and when it is possible I will also make certain to see that they get meals and someone checks in on them. There are also a number of homeless people I see on the bus ride to and from work, so I will try to keep Do Something Kits in my backpack to offer to them.

ME TIME

After I get off from work my main focus is on me and Dodger. I make sure that I am spending time with Dodger when Icome home from work and then also making certain that I take great care of me as well. Bubble baths, long walks and chilling out with friends has been so key for me to unwind and chill out.

Twice this past week I had the chance to hang out with my friend Jason, but I have also had to make sure I was hanging out with him because I wanted to and not because he was bored and has no other friends. Jason also tends to be broke all the time, so I am not about to start treating him each time we hang out.

Wednesday night I had the chance to see a friend that I have not seen in over 8 years. He now lives in New York, has a lover and two kids. Our community work is pretty much the same thing and this is how he found me. Someone in his office reads my blog and watches my YOUTUBE Channel and mentioned what I do. After two months of hearing about me her went to read the blog and then watched a his first YOUTUBE video. He then saw that the person people were speaking about was someone he use to know very well. He reached out and a week later we had dinner. It was great seeing him and hearing all about his life and the work he now calls his mission in life.

Friday I hung out with a new friend Dustin who I have known for a very short time, but when I first met him I was taken by his maturity and how well he seemed to have a full idea of who he is. Dustin is in his early 20’s and doing an internship at APLA. Not many straight Black men at his age grasp how real life really is. He seems to know this very well. it was cool to hang out with him and also have the chance to meet his friend Reecie (I hope I spelled that right)

Saturday was a day with someone who is such a huge inspiration to me and someone I have come to love and admire a great deal, someone who has become like a big brother to me and someone who I know is truly my friend. My friend Donald and I went to the movies to see ‘For Colored Girls’

Let me just say that the movie is awesome and one should be prepared to laugh, cry, laugh and cry again. One should leave feeling inspired to be a better person and live a more healthy and productive life.

It’s funny how for me this movie represented the 90/365 journey I have been doing with my friends from YOUTUBE. it also reminds me of just how vital I am as a Black man and how I have the honor and opportunity to reshape how Black men are viewed by Black women. It’s a great movie that I think all people should take the time to see, but know that many wont because of the title and the all Black cast. This is a shame because we miss out on so much when we allow a title or an all Black cast prevent us from gaining a new perspective and new hope.

It’s Sunday and I am washing clothes while I type this blog. I woke up on Saturday and all of the sudden of felt like Falland Sunday brings this feeling even more. There is a chance for rain later today, so I am hoping to be done with the chores around my apartment, head over to Borders to get the last E. Lynn Harris book, spend some time talking with someone I also think of as my brother, only little brother this time. I woke up to texts from Travis, so I want to make sure when he calls I have time to sit and talk with him. Our conversations are always so funny and so fun of life. If he lived here I know he and Donald would also be friends and we would be Black, Bold and Beautiful.

I hope you all have had a great week and an even better weekend. I pray that your week brings both joy and peace into your life and that along the way you stop to take time out to be thankful for the life you have and find peace in the love of God.

I deserve some flowers and I wont wait for someone to feel the same thing. I will buy them for myself, because no one can love me or appreciate me better then me.

Chill Out Sunday

// October 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

After a very busy week of working and my community work, I really needed to take this weekend for myself to just relax and regroup. It has been a pretty quiet and wet weekend which proved to be a perfect weekend to just chill out.

Wednesday after work my lower back on the left side really started to bother me. I think this is from all the heavy items I have to carry up each day from the basement dry storage. The fact that the evening cook left three huge crates for me to carry up really didn’t help matters any. So from here on out, she will be carrying her own items up to the kitchen just like I do.

It’s Sunday night at 7:45pm, other than doing laundry, walking Dodger three times, a trip to the drug store and then a run to Trader Joe’s I’ve been at home relaxing. Since my back is hurting I thought taking a hot bath in Epson Salts would make it feel better. That worked for only an hour or so. The trip to the corner drug store was to get some pain patches and cream for my back. Plus I am out of Tylenol and vitamins. Since tomorrow is my long day where I am at work from 6:00am until 7:30pm, I thought it might be wise to have some pain patches to help me get through the very long day.

I love the new sofa I now have because the two ends recline all the back, which made it so easy to sit and relax all day. Plus it was a perfect place to kick back and work on my panel for project I started. Speaking of the project, I originally started the project with three other guys, one of which who said he would be very involved in helping me with it, but has been anything but help. He does lots of talking, but so far this is all it has been. Not long ago he said he would post pictures of his panel, but this has never happened and I am done asking him to post them. To be honest I am done asking him anything. I really hate it when people say they want to do things, but when the time comes for them to do the work there is always some excuse as to why they can’t do it.

However only one person out of the three has finished their panel and it looks great. Glen seems to be the only one who keeps his word. Not once since I’ve met him has he been anything but kind towards me. Never says he will do something and then back out and has been the only person who checks in on me to see if I am feeling ok and how things are going. I guess what I am saying is that he has been the only person at the studio who has truly shown me that he is a real friend. I think I miss him more then I miss the ceramic studio itself. In fact, it was seeing his panel that really sparked me to get to work on my panel as well. I’ve already stitched FAITH and the CROSS that are part of my panel. Yesterday I started working on COURAGE which is another word that is part of my panel. The cool thing is that I am using the same pants I was diagnosed in, back in 2008. I was originally going to throw them away once I moved into this apartment, but when I started this project I found them in one of the bins with some other things that I am using for my panel.

I also needed to spend like 20 minutes planning my menu for a week from Monday. I already knew what I wanted to do, but after reading the food surveys handed to me after I started I made one change to the ideas I already had in my head. Speaking of food, tomorrow will be the first week of my menus for breakfast and lunch. My first week I was simply cooking the meals that were already in place.

This Monday will be my second Monday night formal dinner and to be very honest I really don’t want to work such a long day, but the evening chef, who is culinary trained can’t seem to get the dinner out in time. So last week I had to pick up the slack for her so the meal would not be late.

My walk to Trader Joe’s this evening was really cool. It was sprinkling and the live jazz music from the near by bar was really rocking out. So much so that I almost stopped in. I decided to skip this idea because I really just wanted to get back home and relax and take another hot bath.

Today has really been cool. I spent it alone listening to classical and gospel music, playing with and walkingDodger,cleaning my space and getting ready for my week. I spent some time talking to my friends on the phone, but for the most part this was a no cell phone, no FACEBOOK and no distractions. It was a day to just chill out and relax before starting my very busy work week.

I still need to to mop the floors and wash dishes, but the rest of my night will be spent with candles, burning sage and ringing my Noah Bell before heading to bed for a great nights sleep.

The cool thing about all of this is the fact that the job I now have came looking for me. I so happy to be back in the kitchen cooking and the hours I work allow me to have a great deal of my day and all of my evenings and weekends to myself, which is just perfect for me to continue to work on my Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV. When I was looking for jobs and out interviewing I knew that being able to continue the work I’ve created would be a huge factor in me taking a job. This job fits into my life just fine.

Ok, so I have to wrap this up, mop my floors, put clean towels in the bathroom and wash the dishes. Dodger might even get another walk before I head to bed as well.

I hope you all have had a great weekend and are ready for an awesome week.

Ambassador of Hope

// September 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS

It’s after 6:00pm on Monday September 27, 2010 and the temp is well above 80 degrees, in fact the entire day has been a day of record heat here in the Southland. Before noon today it was already over 100 degrees.  This made for a very hot, frustrating and uncomfortable day.

Although it was hot, there was still much to celebrate and be excited about for my outreaches as I am preparing to make a Dab the AIDS Bear presentation to my former case manager at AIDS Project Los Angeles. In 2009 Dab Garner asked if I would be an Ambassador of Hope for his organization. Dab Garner is one of the first Americans diagnosed with what was once called GRID (HIV), he was told that he would not live to see his next birthday. But his will to survive and thanks now to life saving HIV meds, Dab is till here and his organization stands as a living tribute to him and his legacy. I am both proud and honored to be a representative of his organization.

Tiana is my former case manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles, she is someone that I will never forget, someone I will always be so thankful too and grateful that God placed her in my life. She was unlike any case manager I have ever met and unlike any case manager I have had since. First she is kind, caring and compassionate, something that most case managers are void of. She is the most knowledgeable  as well as intelligent case manager I have had the pleasure of meeting. Her goal was to help me get through all that I was dealing with and every step of the way, she and I worked on things together, as a team. Whene I said “NO” to things she suggested, she never once made me feel like I was making a bad choice or allow anything like ego to be involved.

I will never forget one of the darkest days I came to see her, I was crying, really messed up, lost……so damn lost. To be very honest I was really starting to self destruct, but Tiana would not allow this to happen. It was the first time in over a year of homelessness, months of being HIV positive that I felt anyone besides myself truly gave a rats ass about me. I was scared, feeling so lost, out of control and she was the only person I had to turn to. Most case managers would have walked away, refused to help me, but I didn’t have just any case manager, I had Tiana and when the rain in my life was so damn solid that all I could see was grey, she saw the colors for me, she saw the light at the end of the tunnel, when all I could see was a black hole, she believed in me when I lost hope.  She told me not to give up, she told me to be strong…she saw the best in me and refused to allow me not to see it as well…..even though the darkness in my life was so deep.

I cried so much during those days of my life, but whenever I spoke with Tiana or whenever I saw her, she had this way of getting me to feel like things would get better and I could not allow life to take away the joy that God gave only to me. When friends or at least that was what they said they were, walked away she told me to “keep it pushin” When friends said “oh you can stay here or I know a place you can stay and then simply flake out leaving me with an empty promise, she was right there to encourage me and again say “keep it pushin”

I trusted her completely and to this day I still do. Although she is no longer my case manager, I know that she played a very prominent role in getting me through being homeless and being HIV positive. For me and I know for so many others, she represents HOPE even as I type this I simply cant help but cry because like the song says “you dont know, like I know.”

When friends walked and doctors, missions, shelters all failed, Tiana was right there to help me move forward. When churches and so called Christians condemned me to hell for being gay and an even deeper part of hell for having HIV, she reminded me that I am still a child of God.  When road blocks came up, she didn’t tell me “deal with it Kengi” or “your thinking is stupid and backwards”  like others did. In my darkest hour, when my Ma passed, it was Tiana who encouraged me, hugged me, I still have the card she gave me. She was the only person who thought my Do Something Saturday was worth working hard for. She was the only person who worked to restore my dignity and my pride in myself.

No one who has never been homeless can ever understand what being homeless strips away from a person and each homeless person deals with this in many different ways. Add to this cancer, Sickle Cell and HIV and the odds that people will make it through without any scars and the odds are pretty grim. I tried very hard not to be angry, but there were many times when I was very angry. I tried very hard not to allow depression to set in, but there is no way to live through all that I have and depression not begin to take shape. However with my FAITH, strong will and Tiana even when I was shattered I never became broken.

I will never forget the day she told me about this apartment, how hard she worked to make it happen and when I got the keys I can still hear her voice on the line being the same awesome woman and case manager as when I met her. “Keep it Pushin” is a video on my YOUTUBE Channel and is my motto.

So when people ask me why I work so hard doing my outreaches through Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV, why I am out and up late trying to help people who are in need, I cant help but respond with “because it is how I was raised, it is the right thing to do.” I often think of how Tiana went the distance and then some for me. She is one of the many reasons why I refuse to give up on people and she is a huge inspiration to me……..every day.

Today the tears are far less, the struggle is a bit better, the 29 months of homelessness is now almost two years behind me and HIV is no longer I stress out about. My life is in a much different place then it was when I first met Tiana, my smile is in place way more then it was back then, so it  will be a great honor to present her with a Dab the AIDS Bear which will make her an Ambassador of Hope.

Time for Tea

// September 22nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

Wednesday 22, 2010 (10:19pm)

I’ve been back in the gym, so this morning I got a later start then I normally. Most times I am up when the alarm sounds at 5:30AM…..I hit the snooze button a few times which means I am up by 6:30AM. However today I slept right through the alarm which meant I wasn’t up until 9:00AM.

Today was a day that I had planned to clean my place, wash clothes, do some reading, letter writing and time with Dodger. I also needed to make a call to one of the residents down on Skid Row to let him know that I have a phone for him. I simply need to charge the phone, get a new SIM card and it’s ready to go. I was happy to hear that he would not be able to meet with me until Friday because cleaning my apartment is easy, but laundry can be a real chore and I tend to avoid it until the very last minute. I knew this would be a few hours of my day. I say a few hours because I live in a building with families with lots of kids and there are only three washers.

I guess since I started talking about the cell phones, this would be a great place to talk about my “Keep-n-Touch” outreach that I started back in 2007 when I was homeless. The program was introduced as an idea to help me get cell phones to homeless people. After not being able to get a message about a job interview from an well know access center in Santa Monica until three weeks after the the call came, I knew how very important it was to have my own cell phone.  My friend Natalie stepped in and helped me buy purchasing a cell phone as well as paying the bill for me.

Since the creation of this program I’ve been able to simply give pre-paid cell phones to homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV and AIDS.  To be able to offer someone something that many of us take for granted is a really awesome feeling. Giving someone the opportunity to be in charge of something as minor as making phone calls to schedule medical appointments, calls to family members or even make calls for employment, again my seem very insignificant to most.

Last week I got a call from a friend……someone I met way back in 7th grade, she now works in the HIV and AIDS area. She reached out asking if I would be able to help one of her clients with a cell phone. I said yes, because I knew I was expecting a cell phone from a supporter. With the help of my friends I was able to purchase a new phone for her client as well as supply this person with a Life Kit (hygiene) It was awesome to be able to do this for her client.

Tuesday I went to my PO Box as I always do, but this time I had a box from my friend and supporter Kai. We had already chatted about the items he was sending, but I was not expecting them until later in the week. Kai sent two cell phone in great condition that will be used for my outreaches. Already one of the cell phones is set to go to someone on Skid Row who is battling HIV.

It’s people like my friend Kai who help me remain very successful in helping homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV or AIDS. If I had more friends and supporters like Kai, I would be able to do so much more for the people I serve. If the world had more people like Kai, people who do more then just comment on blogs and vlogs, sit in fancy offices pretending to care for or help homeless people, if there were more people in the world like Kai then grass roots organizations like mine would be able to help people in need so much more without red tape.

Today I had the chance to meet someone that I may not have otherwise been able to if someone had not bad mouthed me and my outreaches to her co-workers. Furthermore one of the people listening to what was being said did not take it upon herself to find out for herself, then I know I would not have never met this person. Not only meet her, but have the chance to her a story of victory through homelessness, which led to an awesome huge bag from Wal-Mart filled with hygiene items for my outreaches.

It is awesome what you can do when you simply make your mind up to do it. It is amazing what can take place when you refuse to go along with the crowd, when you are willing to think outside the box, when you are willing to stand up against people, places and things that are simply wrong. It is simply awesome of what can take place, what can bring positive change when you are willing DO SOMETHING instead of sitting back waiting for someone else to do it.

Tonight I enjoyed a simple dinner, time with sleepy Dodger, The Middle, Modern Family and two chapters of book I am reading with a cup of hot tea.

I am proud of the work I do, I am proud of the people I serve, I am proud of the people who help me do what I do. I am proud to know that there are people on this earth who simply want to help people.