Project Kengikat

Notice Monday

// October 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Cooking, Homeless Outreach

I was up as soon as my alarm went off this morning. For some reason I only hit the snooze button one time. Most times I hit it two to three times. The shower was hot and felt really good on my skin. My friend Audrey sent me some sweet smelling sopas that I’ve used twice now.

As soon as I opened the blinds I noticed that the streets were wet. When I walked out of my apartment the light rain started to hit my face. I put my hands in my pockets to keep them warm and as I did this I noticed a homeless man sleeping in a door way. His pants were soaked, but the top part of his body was dry. As I walked past him I thought how that use to be me.

It’s just two short blocks to the bus stop, but for some reason it seemed like it took me forever to get there. Maybe it was because I was noticing all the homeless people sleeping in doorways, doing all they could to remain dry. A few steps from the bus stop I saw another homeless person, this time it was an older woman. She was sleeping on the sidewalk, but was protected from the overhang that was keeping her dry. She had plenty of blankets and even a pillow. It was like she was at home in her own bed without a care in the world.

When I boarded the bus the first thing I noticed was all the homeless people already on the bus. Right away my heart filled up with sadness because I started to think of the many nights where I was one of those homeless people doing all that I can to stay dry and not get sick. The lady sitting across from me was an older Black woman, maybe in her late 60’s. She too was homeless but pretty well kept. When our eyes met, I could feel the sadness inside of her. Her face looked heavy and seemed to carry all the things she was thinking about. Just as I was about to look away I heard her say “I’ve got to stay dry today”

The entire ride on the bus was filled with me noticing homeless people. I am not sure why either. Just as we passed the church I could see at least 15 homeless people sleeping near the doors to the church, out of the rain, but i was sure they were still could. No matter how much cover you think you have, the concrete is always much colder and before you know it you feel like your insides are freezing or even frozen.

Once at work my mind raced towards getting things in order so that I could make it through my day. Monday is a long day for me….6AM to 6:40pm. It’s non stop work and today I had to once again step in and take over so much in order to save the Monday night formal dinner so the entire kitchen staff does not look like complete fools. From the time the other chef arrived to work around 10:45am I noticed something in me that I really love. She tends to be a negative about the requests the members have and she also has this “I am a culinary trained” ego that really brings down the vibe in the kitchen. All day I tried so hard to get her so snap out of it and just do the best she can, but it just never seemed to happen. I loved how I refused to allow this bring down the vibe in the kitchen and the outcome of the meal.

All day I tried really had to keep the rest of the staff motivated and up beat. Like I said it is a very long day with lots of work in a very tight space. So trying to balance to bad vibe being spewed out by the other chef was tough, but at the end of my day I had down just that. Not only this I also had to jump in and take care of things that she should be able to do, but her ego keeps getting in the way. She is a good person, but she is not a good cook and certainly not a chef. She just can’t seem to adjust to the pace and demands that this job requires each and every day. She also cant seem to understand that when someone says something about a meal she need not take it to heart. She also cant allow it be stay with her the rest of the day.

Let’s just say I am happy that I only work a full day with her once a week. The rest of the time I see her for about threehours during the ending of the two meals I plan and cook. I am always so happy when I can walk out the door, but I feel sorry for the other guy who has to be there with her the rest of the day. Every morning when he comes in he tells me “I wish you were here longer in during the week”

Tonight I headed back home and as I got in the bus once again I noticed three homeless people. One lady was fast asleep and the other two were busy taking care of the bags they had with them. As my phone alerted me that I had a text message the homeless woman right near me says “did you have a nice day son?” I smiled and said “yes, I did have a nice day. How about you? Did you have a nice day?” She told me all about her day and was more then happy to listen to her.

When the bus came close to Sunset and Fairfax, she smiled and said “Thank you for listening to me son. No one ever really listens to me.” I helped her grab her bag and said “I am glad I was hear to allow you to be heard. You have a safe evening.”

As the bus pulled off the guy sitting next to me said “That was very kind of you” he extended his hand to shake mine. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes and thought to myself “since I had nothing else to give, I gave her my ears. I just hope this was enough”

I walked into my apartment, called for Dodger and he was soon in my lap jumping all over me and kissing my face. I got a text message from my friend Christina asking me if I was ok. She said I was on her mind. I sent a text back letting her know I was fine. I took Dodger out for our walk and just as we stepped out the door I noticed the wind and how cool it was. Again I thought of the nights when I had to brave to wind and cold.

After walking Dodger I took a long hot bath and headed to bed, but my cell phone kept ringing and text messages kept coming in. So I got up and typed this blog. I hope you enjoy it.

Each time I arrive back home, each time I think about how my entire life use to be in one REI backpack. each time I tell someone I am going home and each time I lay down for a good nights rest, I am so thankful, my soul is so happy, but my spirit will always be restless and always wanting to do all I can to help those who will have to sleep outside.

Chill Out Sunday

// October 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

After a very busy week of working and my community work, I really needed to take this weekend for myself to just relax and regroup. It has been a pretty quiet and wet weekend which proved to be a perfect weekend to just chill out.

Wednesday after work my lower back on the left side really started to bother me. I think this is from all the heavy items I have to carry up each day from the basement dry storage. The fact that the evening cook left three huge crates for me to carry up really didn’t help matters any. So from here on out, she will be carrying her own items up to the kitchen just like I do.

It’s Sunday night at 7:45pm, other than doing laundry, walking Dodger three times, a trip to the drug store and then a run to Trader Joe’s I’ve been at home relaxing. Since my back is hurting I thought taking a hot bath in Epson Salts would make it feel better. That worked for only an hour or so. The trip to the corner drug store was to get some pain patches and cream for my back. Plus I am out of Tylenol and vitamins. Since tomorrow is my long day where I am at work from 6:00am until 7:30pm, I thought it might be wise to have some pain patches to help me get through the very long day.

I love the new sofa I now have because the two ends recline all the back, which made it so easy to sit and relax all day. Plus it was a perfect place to kick back and work on my panel for project I started. Speaking of the project, I originally started the project with three other guys, one of which who said he would be very involved in helping me with it, but has been anything but help. He does lots of talking, but so far this is all it has been. Not long ago he said he would post pictures of his panel, but this has never happened and I am done asking him to post them. To be honest I am done asking him anything. I really hate it when people say they want to do things, but when the time comes for them to do the work there is always some excuse as to why they can’t do it.

However only one person out of the three has finished their panel and it looks great. Glen seems to be the only one who keeps his word. Not once since I’ve met him has he been anything but kind towards me. Never says he will do something and then back out and has been the only person who checks in on me to see if I am feeling ok and how things are going. I guess what I am saying is that he has been the only person at the studio who has truly shown me that he is a real friend. I think I miss him more then I miss the ceramic studio itself. In fact, it was seeing his panel that really sparked me to get to work on my panel as well. I’ve already stitched FAITH and the CROSS that are part of my panel. Yesterday I started working on COURAGE which is another word that is part of my panel. The cool thing is that I am using the same pants I was diagnosed in, back in 2008. I was originally going to throw them away once I moved into this apartment, but when I started this project I found them in one of the bins with some other things that I am using for my panel.

I also needed to spend like 20 minutes planning my menu for a week from Monday. I already knew what I wanted to do, but after reading the food surveys handed to me after I started I made one change to the ideas I already had in my head. Speaking of food, tomorrow will be the first week of my menus for breakfast and lunch. My first week I was simply cooking the meals that were already in place.

This Monday will be my second Monday night formal dinner and to be very honest I really don’t want to work such a long day, but the evening chef, who is culinary trained can’t seem to get the dinner out in time. So last week I had to pick up the slack for her so the meal would not be late.

My walk to Trader Joe’s this evening was really cool. It was sprinkling and the live jazz music from the near by bar was really rocking out. So much so that I almost stopped in. I decided to skip this idea because I really just wanted to get back home and relax and take another hot bath.

Today has really been cool. I spent it alone listening to classical and gospel music, playing with and walkingDodger,cleaning my space and getting ready for my week. I spent some time talking to my friends on the phone, but for the most part this was a no cell phone, no FACEBOOK and no distractions. It was a day to just chill out and relax before starting my very busy work week.

I still need to to mop the floors and wash dishes, but the rest of my night will be spent with candles, burning sage and ringing my Noah Bell before heading to bed for a great nights sleep.

The cool thing about all of this is the fact that the job I now have came looking for me. I so happy to be back in the kitchen cooking and the hours I work allow me to have a great deal of my day and all of my evenings and weekends to myself, which is just perfect for me to continue to work on my Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV. When I was looking for jobs and out interviewing I knew that being able to continue the work I’ve created would be a huge factor in me taking a job. This job fits into my life just fine.

Ok, so I have to wrap this up, mop my floors, put clean towels in the bathroom and wash the dishes. Dodger might even get another walk before I head to bed as well.

I hope you all have had a great weekend and are ready for an awesome week.

Time for Tea

// September 22nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

Wednesday 22, 2010 (10:19pm)

I’ve been back in the gym, so this morning I got a later start then I normally. Most times I am up when the alarm sounds at 5:30AM…..I hit the snooze button a few times which means I am up by 6:30AM. However today I slept right through the alarm which meant I wasn’t up until 9:00AM.

Today was a day that I had planned to clean my place, wash clothes, do some reading, letter writing and time with Dodger. I also needed to make a call to one of the residents down on Skid Row to let him know that I have a phone for him. I simply need to charge the phone, get a new SIM card and it’s ready to go. I was happy to hear that he would not be able to meet with me until Friday because cleaning my apartment is easy, but laundry can be a real chore and I tend to avoid it until the very last minute. I knew this would be a few hours of my day. I say a few hours because I live in a building with families with lots of kids and there are only three washers.

I guess since I started talking about the cell phones, this would be a great place to talk about my “Keep-n-Touch” outreach that I started back in 2007 when I was homeless. The program was introduced as an idea to help me get cell phones to homeless people. After not being able to get a message about a job interview from an well know access center in Santa Monica until three weeks after the the call came, I knew how very important it was to have my own cell phone.  My friend Natalie stepped in and helped me buy purchasing a cell phone as well as paying the bill for me.

Since the creation of this program I’ve been able to simply give pre-paid cell phones to homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV and AIDS.  To be able to offer someone something that many of us take for granted is a really awesome feeling. Giving someone the opportunity to be in charge of something as minor as making phone calls to schedule medical appointments, calls to family members or even make calls for employment, again my seem very insignificant to most.

Last week I got a call from a friend……someone I met way back in 7th grade, she now works in the HIV and AIDS area. She reached out asking if I would be able to help one of her clients with a cell phone. I said yes, because I knew I was expecting a cell phone from a supporter. With the help of my friends I was able to purchase a new phone for her client as well as supply this person with a Life Kit (hygiene) It was awesome to be able to do this for her client.

Tuesday I went to my PO Box as I always do, but this time I had a box from my friend and supporter Kai. We had already chatted about the items he was sending, but I was not expecting them until later in the week. Kai sent two cell phone in great condition that will be used for my outreaches. Already one of the cell phones is set to go to someone on Skid Row who is battling HIV.

It’s people like my friend Kai who help me remain very successful in helping homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV or AIDS. If I had more friends and supporters like Kai, I would be able to do so much more for the people I serve. If the world had more people like Kai, people who do more then just comment on blogs and vlogs, sit in fancy offices pretending to care for or help homeless people, if there were more people in the world like Kai then grass roots organizations like mine would be able to help people in need so much more without red tape.

Today I had the chance to meet someone that I may not have otherwise been able to if someone had not bad mouthed me and my outreaches to her co-workers. Furthermore one of the people listening to what was being said did not take it upon herself to find out for herself, then I know I would not have never met this person. Not only meet her, but have the chance to her a story of victory through homelessness, which led to an awesome huge bag from Wal-Mart filled with hygiene items for my outreaches.

It is awesome what you can do when you simply make your mind up to do it. It is amazing what can take place when you refuse to go along with the crowd, when you are willing to think outside the box, when you are willing to stand up against people, places and things that are simply wrong. It is simply awesome of what can take place, what can bring positive change when you are willing DO SOMETHING instead of sitting back waiting for someone else to do it.

Tonight I enjoyed a simple dinner, time with sleepy Dodger, The Middle, Modern Family and two chapters of book I am reading with a cup of hot tea.

I am proud of the work I do, I am proud of the people I serve, I am proud of the people who help me do what I do. I am proud to know that there are people on this earth who simply want to help people.

Stay the Course

// September 1st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

I’ve been doing “peer support” and “case management” for quite a while now through my outreaches and for the most part it has been very rewarding work to see the people I am helping move forward, but there are times when it can be very frustrating because the person I may be working with is their own problem and not HIV or homelessness.

For example I’ve been working with this guy who says he is having a difficult time understanding all the many things he is dealing with, but after spending three days with him and sitting in on one of his sessions, I must say that more the 80% of the problems he is experiencing is a direct result of him not following through or not asking questions.

If I have learned anything from being homeless, HIV positive and having to rely on government funded programs is that I must stay on top of everything. I must be my own advocate. Sitting back and waiting for someone else to care or someone else to do something is just plain silly. Furthermore I have learned to remind social workers, case managers and even doctors of what they said they would take care of. More then 90% of the time they had not done what they needed to do in order to move me forward. I can only point to one case manager where I did not have to check behind her to see if she had done what she said she would. This was my case manager at APLA.

It seems that so many people who are HIV positive use their diagnoses as an excuse for everything in their life. It is my opinion that  to some degree support groups and ASO’s play key roles in allowing people to make excuses instead of encouraging them to deal with the real issues that were there long before their HIV or AIDS diagnoses. It is my opinion that a person with HIV or AIDS is better served when they are encouraged to live a normal life without hiding in the HIV or AIDS closet as well as fully deal with the problems and issues they have unrelated to their diagnoses. I have this opinion because I have been on the inside looking out and the outside looking in.

Working with this person was still very rewarding, please dont get me wrong and even though it is  huge challenge to work with him, I will continue to do so because it is the right thing to do and to be very honest, I know from my own experience how very frustrating, depressing, degrading, humiliating and down right nasty many places can be when it comes to helping homeless people and people with HIV or AIDS.

I think it is very important for me to say that not all people who work with homeless people or people battling HIV and AIDS do piss poor jobs, there are some people who do amazing jobs and serve their clients well. I know several of them, but from experience they are the exception to the rule and they are also far and few in between.

After the tree days of working with this person, I was very drained, some might say I was exhausted and in the end the person has still decided to go down the “whoa is me” road. Which is fine and is his choice, but this person can not say that he did not have options or that someone did not only tell him of the options, but made arrangements for him to sit face to face and explore the other options. This person now has no one to blame for the “whoa is me” road but self.

As I have stated before I will continue to support this person as best I can and offer any advice I may have. I will even refer and make phones to try to help, but the bottom choice must come from them. No matter how much cheer leading I do, no matter how many hours I or anyone else spends with this person, ultimately the work must be done by this person and the desire to change and live a long and healthy life starts with them.

After those three days I was really looking forward to going to ceramics on Saturday. As I have stated before ceramics became my safe harbor back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed. However I have not been in a while because there has been some drama taking place there, but I was really wanting to go take some time out for me and just create something. I am not sure what it was, but there was some tension there and I was not able to dig into my creative side to create anything. It’s funny how other people and the energy they bring can change the entire atmosphere of a place you really love.

KENGI’s BOOK CLUB

I asked three of the guys from my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach if they would like to be part of my book club and they all said yes. We decided to read Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris which happens to be my favorite writers. He passed away not long ago and he will be missed a great deal. Myself and two of the guys had already read the book, but were willing to read it again. The third guy had never read the but and we knew if would be an awesome book for him to start with. Plus we all wanted to read the book again.

The guys came over to my apartment on Sunday, I cooked dinner and we laughed and enjoyed a nice long evening of great food and great conversation. I am so happy that I picked these three guys to do the book club with because they are all intelligent,  respectful, trust worthy and my friends. Another cool thing is that we all in very different points in our lives and even in our diagnoses, but we all are very much fully engaged in our overall health and well being.

Suddenly the stress of my week had passed, the tension from ceramics no longer dogged me and I found myself in the company of three beautiful Black men sharing an amazing experience of reading, friendship, food and laughter. In that moment my heart began to smile because the stress was replaced with laughter and friendship and in that very moment understood why it is so important to keep doing what I am doing. I that moment I thought how cool it would be to one day be able to see the person I had just spent three days with in this book club with us. In that very moment I saw what is possible when you put people first, when I do not allow myself to place people into molds, I saw what is possible when we simply show up for people without excuse.

Dodger and I walked the guys to the train and along the way of the the guys said “I’ve always wanted a group of guys I could hang out with and have fun with. I hope this doesn’t end.”

I smiled because after the evening with them I was thinking the very same thing.

(The pictures in this blog are from my book club)

In Over Three Years

// August 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

It’s been 3 and half years since I created Do Something Saturday and over a year since I created Unpluggin’ HIV. I created both outreaches while I was homeless. I’ve lost count of how many homeless people I have spoken to, how many I have helped and how many outreaches I’ve done.  I’ve lost count of how many meals, pairs of socks, hygiene kits, granola bars and I’ve even lost count of how much time I’ve spent doing all I can to try to make things better for those I encounter.

If someone told me that I would be typing a blog such as this, or that I would be doing the work I’ve created and doing it for free, I would have said “not me” This is not to imply that I was once a selfish or uncaring person, but I cared far more for myself then anything else. It was all about me and anything else was second.

I will say that I’ve always had this desire to help people, this want to make things better and for as long as I can recall I’ve always wanted to some how, in some way make a difference. At a very early age I learned that money does not equal happy and it does not equal good. I learned at an early age that strength of character means far more and will carry me a whole hell of a lot further in life then a fat bank account or a fancy car could ever do. I learned that hard work and determination are required far more then having money. I’m glad I learned these lessons early in life, because without them I would have believed all the lies I was told about how I could not make a difference or that being homeless and now poor would prevent me from helping or doing anything that is worth anything.

What I have learned since creating my organization is that many people believe that unless I am a non-profit, work in a fancy building, wear a fancy suit, drive a fancy car that I am unable to help people. I’ve met people who say they will help with an outreach or with supplies for hygiene kits but in the end they are no different then the first group of people. In many way they are far worse and I must say that I have far less respect for. It least the first group says flat out “NO”  They dont comment on my blogs or vlogs about things they will do only to do nothing in the end. They say “NO” right up front, while the other simply lie.

What I have learned from corporations is that nothing comes before profit. I remember as a kid how you could write to a company and they would at least consider your request for help, but those days are long gone and have been replaced with companies setting up their own way of giving back that better suits and protects their bottom line. Many companies only use certain organizations and will not even consider others.  Such organization then become clearing houses and again will only deal with certain organizations. Now I am not pointing the finger and trying to say that this is all bad, I am sure there are great things that come from much of this new way of helping. All I am saying is that it is very limited and very selective or what I would call “inside the box” way of thinking and helping.

So the lessons I learned as a kid about hard work and determination play key roles in every single thing I do. Without these lessons I would have given up a very long time ago. Instead they have taught me to work harder and find new ways of helping people. What I have tried so hard to do since the start.

I really like how President Obama has sparked a new wave of getting people involved in helping each other, but I dont like how it limits how people like me can be involved. I dont like how the thinking behind it is still the old way of doing things, very much the “inside the box thinking” I dont like how it encourages people to go through large organizations as if to say individuals or small grass roots organizations can’t make a difference.

Anyone can make a difference, anyone can create positive CHANGE on this planet. You dont have to have lots of money, you dont have to have non-profit after your name, you dont need to go through so large organization plagued by red tape and bureaucracy. You can make a difference in small ways even large ways by doing it with a group of friends. All it takes is a desire to want to be part of something that is good, be willing to work hard, think outside the book and think about others before thinking of yourself.

As for me, I will not allow the “NO” from companies stop me from helping people and I will not allow the lip service from people who comment on my blogs and vlogs prevent me from doing all I can to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS.

In over three years I have met some awesome people who truly care about humanity, who are truly willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work required to make this nation great again and a better place for all of us. In over three years I have learned that bigger isn’t always better, larger doesn’t mean you can do more and having money and a non-profit status does not mean you are better suited to help anyone.

Fancy Doesn’t Make It Better

// August 14th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

For the past two months I’ve worked pretty hard on making my website match the stylish look of my blog, but in the end all the time and energy was simply a huge waste of time. Once I launched the website I learned that the company I went with to help build the new offered no live customer support and what was even worse was the fact that they did not support my blog. Email support is all they were able to offer and this was only 24 to 48 hours after you contact them.

“We are just like Google and FACEBOOK, we only offer text based support” is what one rep said in an email to me. Funny thing is that I don’t pay Google or FACEBOOK one red cent, so why would she compare their service that I have to pay for to a free service was really beyond me. I guess this is the new age of doing business where the customer is the enemy and you avoid them at all cost. This experience reminded me that nothing replaces good old fashioned face to face contact. I say old fashioned because it would seem that in the age of doing everything online and  internet friends we have some how lost the importance of human contact in our daily lives. I also learned that online companies can offer the world and only deliver crap and if you are not careful they will get away with your money.

In the end, my website is back to the basic design, no flash in the pants and nothing fancy. Just a clean, clear basic approach to my work. I am learning what my parents told me a long time ago when they told me that “fancy doesn’t make it better. It just makes it nice to look at.” My website was created by someone who knows me and knows the work that I do. Not only this, he is a friend and has been very involved with the work I do. I guess what I am saying is that I have learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am very thankful and appreciative for what I have.

Ok, so having said all of this, let me move forward with the point of this blog. In addition to spending all this time working on my website I also worked on a letter asking companies for in kind donations for my Do Something and Life Kits. For those who do not know what the kits are, they are hygiene kits for people who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS.

I looked at plenty of letters online and even called a few places to get copies of their letters. The result ended in my trying to make what I do more like other places. I used models that are not my own and end result was 100 returned letters saying “NO” But just like with the website I learned a very valuable lesson.

What I do is very unique and not like any other outreach or organization. My outlook is from experience and from actually living through what I am trying to help people with. It’s from talking directly to the people I try so hard to serve and really paying attention to their concerns. It comes from really caring about the work I do, putting people ahead of simply being a large organization that does very little to help people. The people who have supported my efforts without fail time and time again as just as unique because they put humanity before politics, love before conditions, respect before guilt and love before shame or guilt.

Today I am taking all this in, consider just how special and unique my organization, the outreaches, the people I serve and the people who help me do it truly are. As I consider and take all this I have found that the letters I sent out asking for help with the items for the Do Something and Life Kits were not reflective of the work I do. They made no compelling case for the work I do and offered no difference from all the other letters for requests I am sure all of these companies receive each and every day.

As I plan to write the request letter again, I am keeping in the front of my mind that “fancy does not mean anything otherthen fancy” It is more important for me, my heart and soul to be in every letter for support I send out. I must make a compelling case in order for any company to truly consider an in kind donation to my work. I must shine, I must stand out from the rest. I am not saying that this will automatically get companies to sit up, take notice and give, but it will send a clear message that we all need to do all we can to make a huge difference in this world.

I know many people reading this will say “you need to apply for non-profit status” but they have no idea what this involves or what it means. Furthermore this does not automatically qualify me for any funding whatsoever. All I truly need to do is what I have done for the over three years now and what I have created will continue to grow and make a huge difference for people in need. It will continue to educate, empower and inspire people to get involved with the process of CHANGE that is good for all HUMANITY and not just one community.

As I close this blog I am reminded of the woman who was slave in the house of the man who had leprosy and it was her, the slave, the lowest of the low who was able to take him to the person who could heal him. I am reminded that I don’t need to hold any high position, have a fancy title behind my name, sit at a fancy desk, eat meals with fancy people, hold elected office or seek permission or approval from anyone to make a difference. All I really need to do is believe and be willing to work as hard as I can to make it happen.

It’s funny the lessons we learn as kids come back in later years to help us move forward on our paths.

Thursday

// August 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Homeless Outreach

This week has been both productive and difficult at times, but for the most part it has been a very rewarding and blessed week for me.

My week started with a trip to see my doctor to get lab results for my HIV as I stated in my blog, I wasn’t the least bit concerned about the outcome of the labs. The first reason was because I knew I was still fine and the second reason is because even if I was told I needed to start HIV meds, I know I now have a great doctor and awesome support staff there at the clinic that will get me through it. I know that with my faith and will combined with them, things will be just fine.

The only thing that was on my radar is the fact that there is a history of heart disease as well as other things in my families history and I need to make sure I am doing all I can to make certain I don’t go down the same road. While it was good to talk with my doctor about this and she was able to offer some expert advice and direction, the ultimate outcome is all in my hands. I have to eat right, make sure I am getting plenty of rest and I need to exercise. Bottom line is this, my doctor can give me all the information, advice and support there is, but if I dont start changing how I view food as well as spend more time exercising then the road that I want to avoid I will surely go down and I will have no one to blame for this but myself.

I also had the cool chance to spend some time with one of the guys from my Skid Row outreach and get to know him better as well as give him some information on how to go about correcting and dealing with some of the things he now has in front of him as it pertains to ADAP and Medi-Cal. Thanks to the support of my Keep-n-Touch program I was able to purchase a phone for him that will allow him to stay better connected to the things he needs to stay on top of. Not having a way to contact people, be in control of things you need to take care of and always having to depend on others to get messages or make phone calls can be very discouraging and even depressing for someone who is doing all they can to make things better for themselves. My Keep-n-Touch program allows me to supply a free prepaid cell phone to those in need. It may not seem like much to many people, but I know from experience that having a cell phone is a real connection and allows you to stay in control of some things in your life, while others are in charge of so much more.

Quality Products

One major set back this week came in the form of my video camera breaking on me. I’ve had some problems with the camera for a while now. Slowly but surely the camera has been in what I have called “shut down” mode and Wednesday afternoon the camera finally shut all the way down. JVC has been no help with this other then offering tech support that I must pay by the hour for or by shipping the camera to them and allowing them to repair it for far more then the camera is even worth. However they did say that if I ship them the camera and they find that the problem is something that is defective, they would cover most of it, but since the camera is past the one year warranty I would have to pay for some of the cost to fix it. So how this does not seem right, the camera could be defective, but I would still have to pay.

Whatever happened to the day when the customer was KING? Where companies made quality products that lasted forever? What happened to the days when you could by something and it would be around for many, many years? I recall things in my grand parents and even my great grand parents home that had been in their lives forever. How is that companies are allowed to make lousy products, that cost so much, but you get far less then what you paid for them?

BE OF YOUR WORD

Another thing I have noticed is that I am pulling away from certain people from YOUTUBE because they have volunteered or offered things and time and time again they never come through. Furthermore they act as if they have never volunteered or offered. For me this speaks to their character and the person they truly are. I am not saying they are bad people, just that they are people whose word no longer means a thing to me. Once I get to the place where your word no longer means anything, it isn’t long before I start to pull away. As I type this I am thinking about a call I received this week from someone who I had to step away from last year, she wanted to call to offer her apology and wanted to see if things could be different. She also tried to engage me in conversation, but I was not about to go back down a dead end road. I thanked her for calling and told her it was water under the bridge and not to worry about it. I then told her I hoped she was well and said goodbye. It is impossible for me to maintain any sort of relationship with someone who does not keep their word.

Hygiene Supplies

Wednesday shortly after coming home I had a knock on my door, when I opened it the UPS guy was there with a box. The box came from someone on YOUTUBE, who wanted to help me with hygiene supplies for my outreach. Inside the box were items such as toothpaste, deodorant and razors along with a very nice card. Let me tell you a little bit about this person, first she is a teenager and all we ever seem to hear, see or read in the news about teenagers is all bad. But here is one who reached out to me a while back after viewing one of my cooking videos where my family and I were doing an outreach to Chess Park at Santa Monica Beach. She wanted to help me with my outreach, she wanted to help me help those who are in need. A teenager stepping to the front of line and saying “I want to help” and not just that, but making sure she was allowed to help by staying on top of me and reaching out several times to remind me that she was willing to help.

This young lady saved her allowance and purchased items that will be used to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS. This young woman suited up and showed up, without excuse for people who are in need. She didn’t place empty comments on my blog or vlog, but she gave me her word and she followed through and this speaks volumes to the mother she has and the values instilled in her. It speaks volumes of the type of teenager she is and the amazing woman she will become.

Peer Support

So last month I was able to go with Donald as he made his purchase of his laptop. He saved his money and asked me to o with him to make assist him in selecting a new laptop. Since then I’ve had the huge honor of helping him learn his computer and once again today I have the huge honor of helping him once again.

Donald is someone I met through my HIV outreach on Skid Row and right away there was just something about him that stood out. He has become someone I consider as a friend, someone I care a great deal for, but more then this he has become someone I truly admire, respect and look up to. He is a massive inspiration to me and is someone who is beating the odds against HIV. He is someone you will never read about on some CDC report and is someone you may never see in some magazine, but for me he is the cream of the crop. He is kind, caring and damn funny. I look forward to visiting with him because it is always so much fun, but most of all I look forward to the pearls of wisdom he drops in my life each and every time I see or speak with him. Wisdom that you can’t get from a book, on a job or from any school, but the kind of wisdom that you must stop dead in your tracks to soak in, wisdom that can’t come from rushing things or by pretending, but the kind of wisdom that you must sit and allow to settle into your soul. Wisdom that comes from someone who has lived a rich life filled with great joy and even some sorrow that the soul is so ready to give to all who welcome it.

As a kid growing up I had the huge privilege of having what I called “elders” in my life. I use to want to go visit them and just sit and listen to their amazing stories from their rich lives and each time I would walk away with wisdom and a great feeling of encouragement. I had great respect and a greater reverence for the “elders” in my life and in many ways  Donald has become an “elder” in my life. I can count on one had, three fingers in fact, the “elders” I now have in my life and they are my great Aunt Loraine, my Aunt Emma and Donald. I am so richly blessed and honored to have them in my life.

I will spend my Thursday afternoon doing what some call “peer support” with my friend Donald, but in reality I will spend my Thursday afternoon in the company of my “elder” soaking in all the wisdom he allows to flow from his soul.

Inspired By My Peers

// August 7th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

There’s this gospel song that I really like to listen to called “Again” and the words are very simple

Again I call you and again you answer,

Again, I need you and again you’re there

Lord

Again, I reach out and again you hold me

You console me once more and again……..

About a week ago I was starting to get a bit discouraged and was really starting to hit a wall. I was approaching August and my drive to raise supplies for the Do Something and Life Kits wasn’t going so well. I had received nearly all the letter that I had mailed out asking for donations of tooth brushes, mouth wash, body wash and other items and all of them came back as “NO” I was also seeing that some people who said they would help were simply placing meaningless comments on my vlogs on my YOUTUBE Channel. It was looking like what I had set out to do was going to fail and I was not feeling happy about this at all.

However I did now my core group of supporters would come through, they always do without fail, but even with this help I would still fall far short of the goal to raise enough supplies to make 600 kits total. I knew my core group of supporter, which also happen to be my friends would do all they could to help me reach my goal and for this effort I am so happy and thankful.

I was watching to news and seeing reports of how homeless people are treated and also saw an article in the Los Angles Times about homeless people that were very disappointing to me. I’ve always had the mindset that helping people requires care and it always requires you to actually speak to and take into consideration what they person you are trying to help needs. There is simply no way of helping someone, when we refuse to speak directly with the person or persons who are trying to help. If my Nana was still alive, she would say “That’s like going fishing in the middle of street. All that will happen is you getting your silly ass run over. It would serve you right for being so damn dumb”

I started Do Something Saturday over three years ago after a access center in Venice refused to allow me to give my shower time to a woman and her kids. For those of you who dont know what an access center is, it is a place where homeless people are supposed to go to get help. But it was my experience that places like access centers are more trouble and heartache then they are any help. Do Something Saturday was started by trying to address the many problems I was having like clean clothes, new socks, food that wasn’t spoiled, respect and dignity, but I wasn’t trying to get this for myself, I wanted it for other homeless people. I guess what I am saying is that I’ve always spoken with and asked other homeless people what they needed and then did my best to try to get it for them.

Simply taking someone off the streets and placing them into housing does not and will not ever correct the out of control homeless situation here in our nation. There are many reason why a person becomes homeless and until we address each and every issue person by person, case by case and not by the cookie cutter, you must fit the mold way of doing things, then there will always be a massive problem with homelessness in this country. Pretty words on fancy paper or a flashy website wont work and neither will beating people with scripture and thus says the Lord will work either.

It is my opinion that no one really wants to do the hard work…..well I’ll take that back, there a few people and places willing to do the hard work to actually make steps towards ending homelessness for the people of this nation.  Case managers who look down upon people and do not, will not and can not grasp basic human compassion will only fail. Furthermore just because someone was once an addict or once homeless does not give them the green light to being a case manager or in charge of anyone other then themselves.

Many people have called what I do as being a “case manager” or “peer support” you can give it whatever fancy title you want, but all it really is, all it really requires is CARE, COMPASSION and a HEART. This isn’t some new approach to doing things, it is simply CARING or to make it plain like my Nana would if she were alive “It’s called giving damn” Some people will never understand what CARING means because they can’t stop to think about anything other then themselves. We live in a world of “get all you can, can all you get and then sit on the pot and poison the rest” CARE has been replaced with “what will I get out of this?” Many people talk about caring and loving humanity, but they truly have no concept of what caring and love truly means or what they truly require.

In every outreach I plan, no matter how large or how small, I always speak directly to the person or people I am trying to help. I need to know that they need, what they require from me and from them I require nothing. Everything I plan I ask myself “how will this help?”

So I was discouraged and I asked God for some inspiration and encouragement. I was very specific in my request saying “I need this now God, not later….right now.”

The next day after coming in from a walk with Dodger I opened the mail box and there was an envelope inside and when I opened it there was $10 from one of my friends from YOUTUBE, she sent the money to help buy water for my outreaches to homeless people. I smiled and said “Thank you” Two days later I got a paypal donation from another friend to help with the supplies for the Do Something and Life Kits and again I said “Thank you” less then 3 hours later I got another donation through paypal and this one made me fall to my knees and not just say “Thank you” but to really give praise and honor to a God will still answers prayers, who always shows up right on time.

Wednesday I woke up, made some coffee and starting working on a letter for my quilting project that I’ve started for people with HIV and AIDS here in the United States, I got a call from my friend KoKo (Rene) who is now working in the head offices for the company where my Skid Row outreach takes place. I am so happy she is now working there, I am sure she will do an outstanding job. I guess I should back track and say that when she told me she got the job there, she too was part of my answered prayer, but God wans’t done just yet.

While speaking with her there was a knock at my door, when I answered it was the postman with a large box. I knew it was from my friend Jen, another person from YOUTUBE who wanted to help. She sent a box of clothes. “Kengi it isn’t much, but I want to help…..” is what she said in the email to me a week prior, but when I say how big the box was and then opened the box to find that many of the items were brand new, with tags still on them and the used clothes were in such great condition, again I had to say “Thank You.”

“When do you think you will be back down on Skid Row, I’d like to see what you do?” KoKo asked me

“Well now that I have this donation I will schedule something for this week. How bout Friday at 1:00pm?”

She told me she needed to check with her boss and would let me know. When we hung up I emailed the case managerand asked for the sizes of the women in her building. If they couldn’t wear the clothes, then I would take them to Common Ground in Santa Monica which is the only comprehensive HIV care facility on the west side, which also has clients who happen to be homeless.

I received an email back right away and the clothes would go to my Skid Row outreach. I was very happy about this, because when I get clothes for women they have been smaller sizes and I’ve only been able to help one lady in the building.  Now to be able to help the other women was awesome.

I had a very close encounter at the front door of the building which reminded me of how very important it is to always be aware of my surroundings, not to carry money on me and to take off my ipod when I walk toward the building. It also reminded me not to look like someone who is going to allow BS from someone. The past few times I’ve been to the building there is no one of the office so I have to call for one of the residents to come open the door. This time there was someone in the office, but was very slow to open it which could have been bad for me because the person who had passed me on the street walking toward the building was now walking behind me. When I buzzed I sat the bag down near the door and turned towards him. He asked me for 25 cents to catch the bus, I told him I had no money on me, but he was not about to take this for an answer.

“What’s in the bags then my nigga?”

I looked him dead in the eye and said firmly “None of your business. I said I don’t have 25 cents to give you now I suggest you move on” The entire time I was buzzing the ringer and finally was buzzed in. I didn’t bend down to pick up the bags of clothes until the gentleman had started walking away.

“Thank you” is what I said when I walking up the stairs and I heard “you’re welcome” from the lady in the office. I laughed to myself because I was not saying this to her, but to God for placing a hedge of protection around me. Something I had prayed for prior to leaving my apartment in Hollywood.

While I wasn’t able to give the clothes to the women, I was however able to meet my friend KoKo and I then had the honor of going to the head offices of the corporation and right away I was impressed. I was later blown completely of out the water by the staff I had the chance to speak with, but what clearly stood out for me was the conversation I had with the Executive Director. His passion and great CARE for what he does was very apparent to me. He was interested in the programs I bring and wanted to hear what I have to say.

I had the chance to talk with my friend and hear and read some of the awesome things this corporation is doing for people who are homeless and even people battling HIV and AIDS, How CARE and COMPASSION is at the front of what they do and even as I know there is much work to be done, I was so encouraged to know that the leader of this corporation was nothing like any other leader on Skid Row. I can honestly say without a doubt that this man truly cares about the work he does and wants the people who work with him to have the same care.

When I got home and was relaxing on the sofa. I called my friend Donald from the building on Skid Row to see how his day was, he had to attend a funeral of a friend of his an I wanted to make sure he made it home ok. After speaking with Donald I got a call from another resident who said “I just want to thank you for all that you do for us. We really appreciate all that you do.”

When I hung up the phone I again said “Thank you” and before I knew it tears were falling down my face and I was crying. I was thinking about what I had asked from God and he supplied that and so much more. I was so encouraged by what I had just saw, read and encountered that I had no choice but to break down and cry.

I know first hand what it is like to have friends and even family walk away, I know what it is like to have people attack my character and say things that are not true, I know what it is like to eat from trash cans and have to fight for my things. I know what it is like to be called “stupid” or be told that my “Thinking is backwards” and later have my housing blocked by someone who is a “director” at at another large homeless agency on Skid Row. I will never forget how he treated me like I was less then the gum he stepped on when he entered his high rise office  with pictures of him shaking hands with fancy people and sitting across from me acting like he was some how better then me because I was homeless and HIV positive. “Your thoughts don’t matter” is what he said to me. People think I cried because he defeated me or that he had broke me and I sure he felt like “I fixed his wagon” but the tears were for people who would walk out and give up on life ultimately becoming the people we see pushing shopping carts, talking to the make believe person that no one else can see but them. He words were hateful and filled with hatred toward people like me, but he sits in the position over people he cant even stand.

I cried because God has just showed me that his angels sit in higher places and do far greater things for humanity. I cried because my day was spent being encouraged to keep doing the work that I have been given to do and I could rest in knowing that the place where my friend now works is filled with people who truly care, not only that it is lead by a man who truly cares for homeless people and people battling HIV and AIDS someone who knows people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect at all times, no matter who they are or where the live.

People often ask where I get my energy, my passion, my drive, my inspiration?. They also ask how can you find the desire to help, when you are still going through so much? The answer is always the same. “It comes from God, he always sends someone or something and he has never failed me and he never will. There are times when I will be down, but not out, shattered, but not broken, wounded, but in time I will heal and there will be times I will have to struggle, but I will find my way through.”

THANK YOU for inspiring me, for encouraging me and for the awesome work you do for broke down people like me.

Again I call you and again you answer

Again I need you and again you’re there

Again I reach out and again you hold me

Yon console me once more and again

73 Thousand Each Night

// August 1st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog, but I hurt my wrist from not sitting at the correct level at the computer and then for the past 5 days my Sickle Cell has really been bothering me.

As many of you know August is the month that I have picked to do my large Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV outreaches. The goal was to have enough supplies to make at least 600 Do Something and Life Kits for people who are homeless and for people battling HIV and AIDS here in Los Angeles.

This is a very huge undertaking for me and I knew from the time I started that I may not reach my goal, but I was still willing to do all I could to at least try. I started by asking all my friends and supporters if they would help out, I also mail over 100 letters to hotels and large companies. In addition I also made a few videos on my YOUTUBE channel and yes, I even blogged it as well.

Like always, right away I had an overwhelming amount of people make comments on my video saying they would help, but just like I knew would happen, more the 95% of the people who made comments were simply making comments. They never stepped forward to help. However there were those who kept their would and I was able to supplies for this outreach. I have received 92 of the 100 requests for support back and all of them said “We are unable to help at this time.” Many of the reasons given were, “we support the united way, blue cross” and other organizations.

However with the help of my friends and loyal supporters I have been able to get enough supplies to make at least 50 kits, now this is far short of the goal of 600, but today is only August 1, 2010 and I still have the rest of this month to raise more supplies for the outreach. While I don’t like to fail at anything I set out to do, it is clear that I may have a accept a small defeat this time around.

People have asked me why I care so much and why I spend so much time trying to do whatever I can to help people and the answer is always very simple to me, but to be very honest I never get why people ask me this in the first place, just like I never get why people tell me to get some rest or you can’t help everyone. Well I could help more if people like this would be of their word and follow through. I do it because it is the right thing to do and I was once and in many ways still very much am, one of those people who are in need of help.

It is estimated that there are about 73 thousand people who are homeless here in Los Angeles County each night. I was once one of those people and had it not been for people like Tina and Andy, who started reading my blog and then began to care, people like Ryan and Monia, who also found me through my blog, Eric and Willow who I met through Ryan and Moina and Krystal and Patrick who I met through a former friend and for some pretty cool people who read my blog and watch my YOUTUBE videos I have been able to do what so many said I could never do. What some said would not last simply because I was homeless, or they had made up in their mind that was not worth damn, has now lasted more then 3 years and is getting stronger with each outreach.

These people believed in me and what I am doing when others simply laughed tried to get me to stop doing it. Theyshow up, help out and support my efforts each and every time I ask and for this I am so happy and thankful. Through them many of their friends and families have also started helping when they can and the end result has been awesome.

People always asked me where I get my energy, drive and motivation to keep moving forward with my work, especially when they realize that I am not paid for what I do. Again the answer is very simple, I was once on the streets, I know what it is like to wear the same socks for weeks at a time, I know what it is like not to have a place to take a shower, get a decent meal or even have a kind word. I try very hard to take the hardships in my own life and try to create something awesome out of it.

More the 90% of the people in my life are a huge inspiration, motivation and give me the energy and courage to do what I do. This combined with the awesome “home training” I was raised with and my unshakable FAITH, makes what I do so much fun. However it is hard work and there have been many tears along the way, but in the end it has all been well worth it. The other 10% comes from people who simply talk, say what they will do and then do nothing, more then anything else these people remind of places that I turned to for help when I was on the streets, they never came through, but motivated me to all I could to make things happen for myself and others.

So it’s August 1, 2010 and for the rest of the month I will work as hard as I can to get enough supplies to make 600 Do Something and Life Kits to GIVE to people who are homeless and to people battling HIV and AIDS here in Los Angeles. My Nana use to always say “If I can’t do it, then Skippy is a damn liar”

I have to say that my biggest motivation is what I see by simply looking out my window, riding the bus or walking. You can’t live here in Los Angeles and not see a homeless people. I can either ignore them or act like there is nothing I can do to try to help, I can even make up plenty of excuses as to why I should not help, but the bottom line is that by doing this I am part of the problem and I would much rather be part of the solution.

In close I would be remiss if I do not mention another motivation and huge inspiration that comes from every day people who email me, text me or call me and say, “I have some awesome clothes to donate” or “I want to buy some gift cards” People who think with their hearts not wanting anything in return.

Homelessness

// July 11th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

So many times during my 29 months of homelessness I had so many people offer to help me, but their help can with such high pries that I had to pay, so I refused. I was already having to deal with so much crap from the all the agencies I had to deal with. When I was diagnosed HIV positive things only got far worse long before they got any better. My friends had to sit on the sidelines and watch because helping meant the rules of government programs would kick in and they would say “your needs are met Mr. Carr” It’s was like I was being punished for having friends that cared. But, by the grace of God, combined with the love and unconditional support of my friends, the 29 months of homeless is behind me.

It’s been a full year since I moved into my apartment here in Hollywood, I have a great HIV doctor with an amazing support system in place, so the nightmare of HIV is also something that is behind me as well. Dodger my sweet little dog has been such a complete joy to have around. I had the chance to travel back to Washington DC for AIDSWatch, and my outreaches have grown and continue to be support to homeless people and people battling HIV or AIDS. So on all accounts my life is much better then what it was a year ago and I am so happy, thankful and blessed for this.

Even though homelessness is behind me, I still work very hard to serve homeless people and I must say that I still get very angry, pissed off and bothered when I run across people who go out of they way to exploit homeless people. It bothers me even more when I see the people who are doing it claim to be doing “what thus say the Lord”

Last month I saw someone on YOUTUBE making videos about a homeless couple where near where they live. While watching the videos I had to ask myself  why this person was doing this. They clearly had many other issues that they needed to deal with and I knew that this person has no idea of how to help a homeless person. With her camera in hand she showed the license plate of the homeless couple and even disclosed where they were sleeping. Things that can pose clear danger for people who are homeless.  She even covered the seats in her car while the homeless woman was in her car. Her entire set of videos showed her lack of common sense , compassion or even the smallest amount of care or concern for the people she started to call her “friends”

Just like I knew would happen she quickly dropped her mission to help homeless people saying in a comment on one of her videos “you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink” When I saw this comment from her I have to say the last ounce of respect I had for her was gone. This woman claims that she was once homeless, but she makes statements that clear show she was never homeless and had no intention of helping this homeless couple, she only wanted to try to take the attention off the mess she created.

The way she simply used these homeless people they was she did was disgusting and down right mean. Then to simply walk away and say something like “you can lead a horse to water……” was nothing but a bunch of bullshit. First of all she has no business leading anyone any place. Then for her to say she did it to bring attention to the homeless issues is just sick.

Homeless people have plenty of crap they must deal with and shot they must endure for a system that is beyond repair. They should not have to deal with people like this woman and her sick mind leading them wrong  and making things far worse then what they already are.

Many people ask me what I do what I do and why I care so much for homeless people and I must say that it is because I was homeless and had to deal with all the harnesses and even crap like this couple had to endure from this woman. I do it because I care and I know people are in need of support.

This woman used this people and what she did was wrong and I dont care how many comment of her videos and tell her what a great lady she is or how much God will bless her for doing what she has done, I know and so do many other people the real reason why she went out of her way to exploit homeless people and it had nothing to do with caring for them and wanting to raise awareness for the horrible homeless issue in this nation.

But I guess when you can quote bible verses, make videos where you claim to be a true child of God, when you shout up and down about how God will “get” other people, I guess this excuses you for being human. This some how gives you the green light to look down on people and act all high and mighty.

Well guess what, the same wrath that you talk about is going to happen to other people, please tell me what will happen to you? Does God not see all that you do? Does he not see the hate that LIVES inside of you? People like you are going to bust hell wide open.