Old Blogs from 2009 (August 2-31)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Customer Service at the Bonaventure Hotel

• Posted by Kengi on August 2, 2009 at 1:40am

This was supposed to be my weekend to relax and take much needed time to just chill out before jumping head first into a long week of preparing for my outreaches for homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS. I will also be starting the week off with three medical appointments.

Since my friends are out of town I was offered a “get away” to stay at their place. The cool thing is that this “staycation” wont cost me a cent and I wont have to end up battling to get my money back nor will I be flat out lied to about the charge to my credit card and I wont have to be lied to again as to when it would be returned.

What ever happened to customer service? When companies were honest, when they cared about how they treated their customers? Whatever happened to making things right and keeping your word? Since when did the customer, the very person who is the backbone of every business, became the enemy?

I recall a time when you called a company and were able to speak with someone, or you could just walk right in and have the issue resolved right away. No lies, no excuses, no phone trees, no being transferred or no one to tell you “I’ll call you back” only to have them never call back. Are the days where the customer was king gone? Replaced with people who tell lies, act as if you have bothered them when it is their lack of training and understanding just how very important the customer is?

Far too many times companies think “give them something for free and make them go away” reapirs the damage done by their lack of care toward the people who allow them to open for business each day. Far too many times companies feel that it is ok to miss mark and not offer excellent customer service each and every time to every person that walks through the door.

I recall working for Bullock’s Department Store one summer. It was a free standing store, meaning it was not in a mall or shopping center. I was trained under a manager who said when people can to the store they came to get something and if they left without a bag, then this was because we didnt do our jobs. “people can go to a mall to browse, they come here to shop.” While working there I also learned that Bullock’s truly cared about their customer and geared all training toward making the customer happy. Later I found out why Ma loved Nordstroms so much. It wasnt so much that they had great clothes and shoes that she loved wear, but they had unmatched customer service. They still do to this day.

How many times has a company done something wrong and then take their sweet time correcting their mistake? How many times do they try make you feel like it was your fault that they screwed up and then to add insult to injury they add “We will do all we can to fix this as soon as possible” or “let us look into this and we will get back to you.”

Last week my friend sent me a message telling me that I could get a FREE room at the Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown LA. He told me because he wanted me to have a “get away” as so many people in my life do. I really appreciate him for being so kind to think of me. This is the same friend who gave me the two tickets he won to Romeo and Juliet. I was able to once again enjoy the ballet, just like I use to in what now seems like a lifetime ago. The ballet was awesome and it was FREE, he didnt ask me to give him a deposit for the tickets or tell me that I had to pay for one. He gave them to me and I had an awesome time.

After the ballet we went to the Bonaventure Hotel and we ate at the Bonaventure Brewing Company. When Tina told me she had a certificate that would entitled us to a certain amount off our meal once we ordered a certain amount, I recalled the cool times I had been inside the Bonaventure and how each and every time it was so cool. The very last time I was in the Bonaventure Hotel was in 1987 after my high school prom from Santa Monica High. Some friends threw an after party in a warehouse in Downtown LA and after that many of us had rooms at the Bonaventure Hotel. It was so cool. We went from room to room laughing and just having a great time in a great hotel.

I shared some of this memories with Tina and Andy as we enjoyed our meal at the Bonaventure Brewing Company. When we were ready to leave the waitress failed to place the coupon on the final bill. She had to be told about it, but once told she did correct it. But what sticks out is this the fact that she had forgotten.

I was warned by a friend that nothing is free anymore and there would be a hidden charge and it would hurt me in the long run. She told me this after I had already placed the reservation and right after talking to her I called the hotel to ask. I wanted to make sure there was no hidden charge and no deposit required. I was assured that this was a promotion and there would be no hidden charges of any kind, not even a deposit. I explained a bit about my situation and how I did not want to be surpised once I got there. She placed me on hold and came back and said “Mr. Carr I just checked and there will be no hidden charges or deposit required”

That wasnt the case when I arrived the very next day. The lady at the counter first asked for $100. We I told here that I was told there would be no charge she looked at me like I had just insulted her. She then asked for $85 and again I told her what I was told. I asked her for my card and expressed that I was pretty pissed to have been told one thing only to come all that way told I had to pay. She then asked what I could pay. Since I had made arrangements to meet someone to pick up her donation of diapers for a family in need, I said fine. She did assure me that this was not a charge and I would get a credit back to my card when I check out. That was not true.

At check out I was given nothing and when I asked for a receipt I was given one that showed “balance due $0” I asked for a receipt that showed the credit back to my charge. “Sir you didnt pay for the room, it was free, nothing was charged to you card” at this point the couple checking in next to me began to look over at me and the “gentleman” behind the counter. This is when I asked for his manager.

Marco came out and told me the very same thing. “There was no charge to your card. We took an authorization and it was deleted. It was show back on your card tomorrow.” That was not true.the card was charged and the next day there was no credit back to my card. I again called my credit card company just as I did when I stood there with Marco and they told me the same thing. “Mr. Carr the card was charged by the hotel and there is no record of the charge being reversed.”

I called the hotel and this time I spoke with someone in the executive office. She listened to me and she said she would call back and she did. She told me that I should never have been charged a deposit and the card was charged and not issued a credit. She assured me she would take care of it. She also offered to mail me a check for the same amount of the charge and a stay in one of the suites to make this up to me. I told her that I wasnt complaining to get something for free. This was a problem and it needed to be fixed, not for me, but for all people who stay in that hotel. She gave me her word that it would be fixed that day and I would get a letter from her in about a week with the check and voucher for another “free” night stay.

Well once again this did not happen, the charge remains on my card and my credit card company shows no record of the charge being returned. They didnt take an authorization, they charged the card and it has yet to be corrected.

Today I had bills due that I needed that money for. I made the lady in the executive office fully aware of this and she said she she would make sure the credit back to the card would be done that day. However it was not done. Now I have the cost of the bill, plus an additional charge on top of this I have a fee from the card as well. So a room that was supposed to be free has now cost me $75 in fees plus the cost of the bill that didnt clear today. So this pissed me off and I called the hotel. Only to learn that the word that was given to me was nothing more then someone blowing smoke up my ass. All the talk about how she wanted to correct this and make it right was nothing more then a bunch of bull shit. Nothing more then “give them something for free and make them go away” approach to customer service.

To add insult to injury I get bounced from person to person for more then 20 minutes one front desk person even saying “What an ass” thinking the call was on hold. “when you bad mouth the person on the line, make sure you have them on hold first.” I then was given to France who was equally as rude and dismissive. He was the manager in charge after Marco had gone home but had no power to correct the charge to my card. He told me he would have someone named “Myra” fix it tomorrow

Yeah the days of customer service are long gone and the days when I had such cool experiences at the Bonaventure Hotel are also gone. Tomorrow morning I will get up to ride the bus to Downtown LA to get this matter corrected. This makes has been like a hemorrhoid in my ass. I have never had a hemorrhoid before but if I ever do have the misfortune of getting one, I will name it “Westin Bonaventure Hotel”

While I did enjoy my get away to the hotel I am now sorry I did it, it has cost me way more the free and while I did give the hotel a rating of 7 in my review I am now changing it to ZERO minus because of how this was handled so very badly by people who are supposed to be managers, leaders or examples if you will for the people who work under them. From Marco to Susan and now France this hotels management sucks ass and therefore they can KICK ROCKS.

Even if I were to stay in the suite that has been offered to me it will not be a true measure of the quality of service that is available at the Bonaventure Hotel. The staff will be alerted that I am in the hotel, in what room and how long I would be there and therefore told to give the best possible level of service. They will be instructed to make no mistakes, so I can see how great things can be at the Bonaventure Hotel, but this wont be the true level or a real measure of the service. It will be a feeble effort to repair lousy way this entire situation was handled and it will not correct or make things right at all.

“give him a room and make him go away” How bout doing things right the first time and when you cant do that, then fix them the second time and when you cant do that, then just admit that what you’ve done can not be repaired.

I fully understand that mistakes happen and that no one is perfect. The lady from the executive office and I talked about this in great detail. In fact she was very surprised that it had even taken place, but she didnt nothing to make sure it wouldnt happen again, especially not to the same person in the same week.

So instead of resting and preparing myself for my busy week, tomorrow I will be forced to get up and head to Downtown LA and spend time “baby sitting” the Bonaventure Hotel and once again asking them as nice as I can to please return the money that charged to my credit card.

KICK ROCKS

For my friend who told me about the free night stay, please dont think you did anything wrong because you did not do anything wrong. You thought of me enough to tell me about an offer on something that was supposed to be “FREE” and I fully appreciate you for thinking of me in the first place. This was caused by the staff of the Bonaventure Hotel and the blame falls squarely in their lap.

From 22 to 36 years old I was a private chef with an awesome catering business. I even owned a BBQ join for a short time and not once did I even have to tell a client or customer that I was sorry or have to offer something for free because I or someone on my staff screwed up. Not once. Since I started my organization I have never had to say sorry for something I’ve done, but I’ve had to say sorry to people I serve because someone who had volunteered to help me went back on their word. Just like the lady who had the diapers she wanted to donate but never called me back. Even though the family in need go the diapers and two gift cards to Ralph’s I did offer her an apology because I said I would have them there Wednesday afternoon, not that evening but things that were out of my control prevented me from doing this, but the bottom line is that I gave my word.

Marco you gave me your word, Susan, you gave me your word and even the person that monitors the twitter page, you too gave me your word that this would be corrected and all three of you have failed to even make sure that the process was even started. That’s really sad and I had a better stay and service at the Union Rescue Mission

Community vs. Humanity

• Posted by Kengi on August 14, 2009 at 1:30pm

This past week has been filled with ups and downs, mostly from thinking about the current state of affairs as it pertains to the massive budget cuts to HIV and AIDS prevention and care. Prevention has no baring on me but many of the other cuts will have a direct effect on my health care and could possibly affect my housing as well.

The other thing on my mind was just not having enough time to really do many of the things I want to do to help other people. This past week and the ending of last week has been especially hard because the Hawkins family was able to move into their apartment in Hollywood, but just like I am all to familiar with and aware of, things didn’t go so smooth. Not only did the person that was paid to help them move flake out before they finished the job, they next person was just as dishonest and lied to them about the cost, leaving the family with no money. In addition to this they also have a social worker who feels he is God and he the right to say and do anything he feels to them and they had better be cool with it, or he would make them pay for it.

It really bothers me when the places we must turn to for support and help can many times be the worst places for us and many times do nothing but cause more hurt and harm and all we can do is deal with it because we are poor or homeless and dont have a voice.

I cant imagine what it would be like to have kids and have to deal with homelessness and on top of that have a child who is in need of vital services and the place I turn to for support becomes a place of abuse, hardships and great harm. It was hard enough for me to have people in charge of me who dont give a rats ass about me or what happens to me, but to have someone in charge of me and my children is something I would not be able to deal with, especially when that person threatens me, yells at me and when this doesnt work, they take my kids away and all I can do is deal with it because I am poor or homeless.

This family, people I consider and know to be my friends reached out to me and told me what was going on and that they were in need of food. Right away I knew I was not going to be able to help them with what little money I had, so I posted to my FACEBOOK page their need and while manypeople said they would help, only three people, besides myself came through. My friend Eric messaged me right away asking what they needed and once I told him he was on top on it. That night Eric and Willow came by my place many bags of groceries for this family. I am never blown away by Eric and Willow and how kind they are, simply because each time they step forward they always come through in such a huge way. They are two people who truly love humanity and will do all they can when they can to help those in need. For me this is a double blessing because not only am I able to help people because of this love for humanity that these two people have, but I am also so blessed to call them my friends. How sweet is that?

Saturday I had the chance to relax just a bit, although my mission was to spend some time looking for Judy and I also wanted to start to get supplies for my Unpluggin HIV outreach that will take place next month on September 19, in Downtown LA on Skid Row to men and women living and battling not just HIV and AIDS, but poverty and extreme low income as well. Earlier in the week I received the green light to bring my Unpluggin HIV outreach to Skid Row to a building where men and women with HIV and AIDS live. This was so awesome for me and my organization and I owe my friend Shawn so much thanks and most of the credit for helping me in such a huge way set this up.

After looking for Judy for a little more then two hours I was set to give up and look for her another day, but just as I was about to walk into the 99 cent store to get some supplies for the Life Kits I saw Judy walking towards me pushing her basket piled high with her belongings, or what is left of them.

Just like I am so use to with Judy, her faced just lighted up when she saw it was me. I just love Judy so when I saw it was her walking towards me not only did I get a huge smile, but my soul felt better because I knew she was safe…..well as safe as one can be living on the streets in the meanest place toward homeless people.

Judy and I spoke for a while and I was able to get her some items that she requested. I was sad when I was not able to get her the shoe she needed because they did not have her size, but I was able to get her something to eat and visit with her for a short time before I needed to head back home. I collected her cell phone so I could charge it for her and place another $10 phone card on it for her. However trying to locate Judy can sometime be very hard because she no longer stays put in one place and the meeting place we agreed to meet at was a bust. I waited for her for over an hour before I had to leave. My goal is to do my best to find her this weekend as I will be out of town next week.

Saturday afternoon I spent with Tina and Andy down in Venice. Our plan was to hit the board walk and then head over to Krystal and Patrick’s to pick up some things for my apartment as well as items for the Unpluggin HIV outreach. Well shopping at the garage sale and then eating at MOAS very close to the board walk really made us run short on time and Tina was feeling tired, so we took Tina home and Andy and I headed to the BBQ at Krystal and Patrick’s.

While driving to the BBQ I got a email from a lady who who wanted to donate some things for my outreach. SWEET. The cool thing was how she found me and what was even cooler was that she was very close to where we were headed, so after arriving and chilling for a few Krystal drove me to get the yummy donations for the awesome lady who’s name is Dominique and the clothes she g ave were awesome.

I had a blast as I always hanging out with Krystal and Patrick. I was once again able to chill with JP and met two new people Angie and Brian. I was able to take home a sweet pub table, leather foot chest with two small leather posts as well. The cool thing is this I was also able to get a awesome couch for the Hawkins famly..

Monday was a start to another week and while I had already had a really great weekend, I was still pretty worried about the Hawkins family and HIV and AIDS budget cuts were also very close on my mind as well. I had already been asked by my new Case Manager at my clinic to speak on behalf on my clinic at the meeting for the Commission on HIV. Since it was and has been my clinic and the awesome staff there that have done far more for me then anyone has done for me since I have been HIV positive I was more then happy to speak on their behalf.

My friend Angela also contacted me this week to see how she too could help the Hawkins family and later that night she too came through with awesome things for this family in need, but she and her husband are also able to provide them with things I am not able to, because I do not have kids and dont fully understand what having a kid is like. They also provided emotional support to the Hawkins family and they even provided much needed clothing items for them as well.

Angela is someone who is from my childhood and if you have been reading my blogs or watching my youtube channel, then you know I have not had the best of luck with letting people from my childhood back into my life. In fact in doing so this has caused my a great deal of hurt and pain. No one ever wants to be called “fagot” or “stupid” by anyone let alone the people who are supposed to be your friends. No one wants to have “friends” make offers of housing and then not hear from them again. No one wants to let people in their life and see what has happened only to have them make jokes and laugh with other so called “friends” But I guess this all points to how someone is raised and what type of value system they have, it also speaks directly to the person they have allowed themselves to become and what type of person they truly are, moreover what kind of humans they will bring into this world to further the cycle of hurt and pain. Please dont get me wrong, I do have some of my childhood friends in my life in one way or another and I am blessed and thankful for that, in fact I am even thankful for the ones who came with hurt and pain, it has only made me stronger and more determined to keep moving forward into greater works. It also forces me to fully appreciate the meaning and value of the friends I do have. For me that is simply priceless.

When I had the opportunity to tell Angela what was going on I backed off because I didnt want to deal with anyone more bullshit then I already have to deal with. I also didnt want to have another friend talking about me behind my back and treating me like shit. However this wasnt the case with Angela, her husband Perry had already been watching my youtube channel so this had already made them aware of things I am dealing with. It felt so awesome to have someone from my childhood, someone who was such a awesome person and someone I truly did consider a friend step back into my life and this time there was no hurt or shame that came along with it.

Fast forward to August 13, 2009 at 9:00AM, the meeting for the Commission on HIV and I was one of 37 speakers who spoke to ask that services most vital to our survival not be cut. It was so powerful and moving to me to hear the stories of men and women who have gone through many of the same things that I have, and have found help not from an ASO, but their clinic and this is where the services are being cut the deepest. It bothers me that lives just dont seem to matter to our leaders.

For me my clinic represents so much, it’s because of my clinic that I was able to get housing, my HEP B vaccination is now on track, my health care is now on track, so many things are going in the right direction and with these budget cuts many of the things that are finally in place could now fall out of place and that is just so troubling to me.

Once I got home I was so drained, because my day started so early and after the meeting I spent time looking for Judy so I could get her phone back to her, but once again she was no place to be found and I just could not spend anymore time looking for her. I spoke with the Hawkins family and things were them as well and that made me smile big time.

There are a few things that stick out in my mind about this week and they give me great comfort and that is awesome donations I have received for my Unpluggin HIV outreach from so many awesome people. I was also able to link up with Christian and Miles, the guys from Conquer the Land as they made their way through Santa Monica in the last 5 days of their bike ride down to the San Diego border. I was able to give them 3 more Do Something Kits as well as present them with their very own Dab the AIDS Bear and welcome them into the family of being Ambassadors of Hope.

Last night I got a visit from two new people in my life Kristin and Michael who came over to bring 4 bags filled with clothes and shoes for my Unpluggin HIV outreach that takes place next month on Skid Row on September 19 at 12:00PM

What I have come to know as truth in my life is the amazing things I have been able to do for others with the help of some pretty amazing and awesome people who truly care for humanity. What I have learned is that no matter what mountain is placed in front of any of us, we not only have the power to climb it, but move it out of the way altogether in order to pave the way for those who will come after us.

The work that I do is very hard and very time consuming, there is no pay and it comes with plenty of setbacks and attacks, but at the end of the day when I see the smiles on the faces of homeless people like Judy, when I see families getting through their dark times, when I see people with HIV or AIDS hold on and fight another day, when I am able to offer someone a meal that isn’t spoiled or clean respectable clothes to someone who truly needs them, when I am able to simply sit with someone and give them a chance to be heard, that is all the payment I need and it encourages, empowers, inspires and gives me the strength to “keep it pusin” another day.

What I have learned is that really helping people doesn’t require a staff, nor an office, it doesn’t require research or statistics, it doesn’t require commissions or committees, it doesn’t even require money. It simply requires love, respect, compassion, humility and the will and desire to help someone in need. It requires you to think outside the “community” mindset that separates, confines and divides us and encourages, fosters and even demands that we think outside our “gated community” that excludes humanity.

CHANGE requires hard work from all of us and to do this we must think outside of “community” and look toward “humanity”

Does “community” separate us? Well when “community” becomes gay, straight, Black, Latino, White, rich or poor then the answer is YES. However but when “community” becomes more about “humanity” and not clicks and groups, the haves and have nots then there is no separation. There is no big “I’s” and little “u’s”

Community separates us and Humanity brings us together as one as a TEAM. So I would rather spend my time working to better HUMANITY not any one community.

Helping people with HIV and AIDS

• Posted by Kengi on August 20, 2009 at 6:36pm

Yesterday was a day I have been so looking forward to for a long time, since being diagnosed HIV positive on April 3, 2008 it has been a desire of mine to reach out to men and women who are suffering through HIV and AIDS who are also battling things like homelessness, housing issues, access to care and medical support. It’s been very hard to not really find places in order to do this, but to get people to follow through and allow me to help.

I lived homeless on Skid Row in Downtown Los Angeles and for me it was so cake walk and in many ways Skid Row for me represents the end of the line for people who are forced to live. Skid Row was tough and many of my fights were there, including the bloody fight that landed me in the Emergency Room after being targeted by some guys who felt they needed to “tech the fag a lesson” I took 5 of them to try to teach me the lesson, that even after being my ass beat, I still never got. But it is what it is right.

I set up a monthly outreach with 5p21 which is the HIV and AIDS clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center, but rules, regulations, red tape and what I feel was simply the clinics way of forcing me to leave, after one outstanding outreach that was so welcome and well received by all the patients who were able to get meals, Do Something Kits and even the staff thought it was great as well. The meal was hot and not sandwiches that are very commonly served by other organizations that serve meals.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 1:00PM I got the green light from the residents of an Single Residence Occupancy (SRO) on Skid Row. The building has 40 residence and all of them are infected with either HIV or AIDS, in addition to this they are also considered extreme low income which means their cash flow is very tight. Since I am in the same boat as the residents this means that some things must wait or not get purchased at all. Things like hygiene items, food and even bus passes. Not to mention that many of these men are taking HIV meds which is even stress and concern all by itself. Imagine having to worrying about what you will eat, how you will wash your clothes, keep up with your transportation needs.

I had the chance to speak with the men who attended the meeting and also had the chance to hear some of the issues they face as well as concerns they have as far as being able to get their meds in a timely manner. The guys in the house have over come some pretty hard times in their life and are doing all they can to turn things around. I am so happy to be able to provide a monthly outreach to the residents that will include full size hygiene items, gently used clothes, and shoes and I am also looking to feed the residents a great meal.

So far the donations for the outreach have mainly been for women and while these a welcomed , this outreach will mainly serve men. The building hoses 40 people and only one of them is a woman, and right now mens clothes are greatly lacking. So if you would like to donate or know of someone who would like to donate gently used mens clothes in all sizes, please get in touch with me.

My meeting with the residence was such a huge inspiration to me because it was with the approval of the resident manager, but the people of the building also had a chance to speak to and hear me and what I will be able to offer them. Needless to say I am so looking forward to helping the residents with some of their concerns by providing basic items once a month.

If you would like to help me with this effort to “be of service” to people living with HIV and AIDS, then please visit the events tab of www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Moving forward past the pain

• Posted by Kengi on August 28, 2009 at 6:50pm

Who knew that getting dumped could take such a toll on me? I never would have thought that simply getting dumped by some asshole would cause me to feel the way I do right now and not even want to get out of bed. Who knew that I liked this guy this much and that him saying what he said to me would have such a grip in me right now?

I met this guy about a month and half ago at a bar in Downtown LA, he came up to me, already knew my name, told me he had been reading my blog and watching my youtube channel for a long time time. I knew right away that he was gay, not from anything he said or did, I just knew it.

I guess the first red flag should have been the fact that this guy was stunning. He had a great body and could have his pick of anyone, furthermore guys like him dont think twice about guys like me. No matter how nice I am. It just doesnt work like that. But this guy was charming and like a fool I fell for it.

This the third day that I have been in bed, mainly because my pain from Sickle Cell and the other because I feel so damn stupid. I’ve tried to get up and get things going again but tears soon come and I am back in bed crying myself to sleep. It’s been three full days of this and no matter what I do I cant seem to shake this. I did however manage to get up and take care of things like paying my rent, bills and keeping my appointment with DPSS. But even while I was out I had to fight back tears.

The messages, emails and even text messages I have been getting from friends and supporters have been so cool and have helped to make me smile and even laugh. Last night I spoke with my friend Christina for over 2 hours and she really helped me to look at things and laugh at most of them. My friend Tina has also been checking in on me and making sure I am ok. Friends from my blog network and POZIAM have also reached out to me to send me kind words, prayers and support.

I tried to motivate myself today by cleaning my camera and making plans to go out to listen to JAZZ at LACMA and maybe even take some pictures, but that too was something that I quickly lost interest in. I did spend some time working on my bike and making sure it is ready for the outreaches I have planned for next week and I also need to be ready to start picking up donations for the outreach for that is set the 19th of September. I did manage to finsh that task but still have some minor adjustments I must do to the rear breaks in order to make sure I am fully safe and able to ride with no silly accidents.

I know that sitting in bed and crying isnt good for my state of mind and I know that sitting and thinking about what has happened isnt good either, but right now it is all I can do. I invested a great deal into the small and short one and half months, but it was my time, my effort that I could have spent doing something else, time I will never get back.

Tomorrow I will force myself out of bed and work hard on the upcoming event I have for people living with HIV and AIDS that is set for the 19th of September. There is simply no way for me to let these people down, no matter how hard this will be for me I must pull it together to get the job done.

I will get past this and I do know that I am not toxic, dangerous or dirty, but my feelings are still very much hurt and my heart is still very much in so much pain. My Sickle Cell is still very muching me, but I need to pull myself together so I do not allow what has taken place in my personal life to cause my to no fulfill the commitment I have made to men and women living with HIV and AIDS. As it stands I now two weeks behind schedule, so now I have my work cut out for me.

I want to express my deepest thanks to all who have reached out to me to offer me support and comfort, that truly means a great deal to me.

THANK YOU

My Food: Helping Others

• Posted by Kengi on August 30, 2009 at 10:30am

I use to be a private chef, I even had a small BBQ joint with a family member for a short time. Most of I life I have catered weddings, annivarsaries, banquets, worked for organizations large and small and I have worked in my homes as a private chef.

Through homelessness I learned that meals provided by missions, shelters community organization and yes, even churches go unregulated and monitored. Even school lunch programs are not monitored by the department of health.

I created a program to try to address the needs of people who are poor, homeless and hungry. It was to bring meals that are healthy and prepared in love to them as much as I could. I just created a new collection of pictures on my Flickr page that shows my work to address the need for great meals to people who are in need.

Click here to visit the Flickr set

ME First….Thank God for Friends

• Posted by Kengi on August 31, 2009 at 12:30am

When things use to bother me Ma would me what have done to turn things around, she would also always ask me “have you prayed” and most times my answer would be “no” I know this may seem a little strange to most and maybe even a little bit out there to others, but for me my faith and prayer life go hand in hand. Like bread and butter, iced-tea and sweet-n-low or night and day. I just cant have one without the other.

For the past two weeks things have been getting to me and I have allowed things to worry me, things that are out of my control, but things that normally would not bother me because my prayer life would be solid. But I have been rushing and saying “I will pray later” and before I knew it two weeks had gone by and I hadnt said one prayer and not one “thank you” for all the good in my life and all the favor that God shows me. Not once had I asked for God to look after me or thank him for already doing so. Not once did I ask God for direction and instead I went on my own way and last week an empty prayer life had taken its toll on me and my world begin to crack.

I have lots of people in my life, I’ve said this before, but no many people I can call my friends. I know there are plenty of people who care for me and say that they love me, but when I find myself in a midnight hour and last week, baby I did, the people I reached for didn’t answer, so I made some choices that I normally would not have made. It’s so funny how when we make wrong choices we know it right away, our inner guide becomes out of whack and things just dont sit right with our very being.

On top of all this I get dumped by the guy I was really starting to like and that only made things that much worse, but praise God for friends who will stand with me in my dark hour and help me through the rough time. It’s been a long time that I can say that I know I have people I can count on, people I can turn to and they will be there for me. Many of you know I have long had two friends like this and they are Tina and Andy and I now know I have two more people who also love and care for me like a brother and those people are Patrick and Krystal.

I doing what I do I take on a great deal and people who I think are there to help me end up counting on me for their situations as well. So while I may look like I have a lot of support in the work I do the real truth of the matter is that I have more then just one “Judy” and more then just one “David” This then leaves no outlet for me and lest just be honest many people who have told me “I will be there for you Kengi” have not been and many who have said “you can count on me” I really cant count on.

I recall times when I would break down in tears with Andy because I knew it was safe to do so, he would be there to help me deal with it, I could simply have a bad day or my Sickle Cell bother me and all I had to do was say so and I could lay down and rest. When the pain just got to be too great for me I could just say so. Since moving out I feel like I lost that in many ways. I am here alone and no one to talk things out with, no one to help me sort through things and come up with the best plan. I know Andy and Tina are still just a phone call away, but when I wake at night and I am worried about things It gets a bit harder to call them, because I dont want to be a bother or a let down.

Since I’ve had this new place of my own I’ve wanted to stand on my own two feet and do my very best to provide things for myself, buy my own food, go out when I want to, sleep as late or as early as I want. However being back on my own has not been easy for my. I am so worries that I am going to make a mistake and I will be back on the streets. I guess one could say that I am very fearful of this.

I’ve been here in my own place for two months now I am have been doing pretty good. Bills have a been a bit overwhelming and I knew they would be the first two months, but I guess I didnt think things that have always fallen apart when I need it most to do so this time around. DPSS has cut my benefits twice for things that I had already taken care of and with all the changes in how they see and deal with clients makes it that much harder for me. I’ve had my worker changed three times now and each time a worker fails to do one thing which causes problems for me. This week I was once again able to get things back on track, but once again I have a new worker.

Transportation has always been a major problem and I rely on a discount pass through MTA and not long ago MTA made huge changes to their passes and the changes they made still have not been worked out and are causing huge problems, not just for me, but for many others will must rely on MTA for transportation. First off MTA now uses TAP which is a plastic card that you must pay for and load, however it the card break MTA will not replace the card for free you must mail the card to the TAP center and any money on the card is lost. I have had three of the discount card now stop working and I treat them just like I do my prepaid Visa card. However the regular card from MTA I have never had a problem with and it has been washer even the drier and has fallen in dish water countless times but not once has the card stopped working. I missed two doctors appointments because I simply didnt have the money to take the train to get on the train and bus to get there.

I made a promise to Tina and Andy that I would reach out when things got to be too much for me and they said they would be there for me to help me deal with it. Tonight I got a call from Patrick and Krystal and they too ask me to reach out to them as well when things get to be too much for me. As I sit here and type this blog out I can only tell you how much my eyes are filling up with tears because I know I have four people with will be there for me when I call them, no matter how late it is and that means the world to me.

Through homelessness there was never anyone I could count on or turn to, the many nights of fighting for my things, walking until my feet were so raw they bled, doing my best to stay awake so I would not get a ticket or far worse into a fight. Nights in the rain and cold and days where I was so tired I would climb into trash cans or bushes just to get some sleep, the entire time praying that nothing bad would happen to me.

After speaking with Patrick and Krystal tonight I went for a walk. I had already been out for part of the day, but tonight I wanted to walk and let go out some things, drop some of the worry and stress off and not bring it back into my apartment. As I walked I began to relax and think to myself that “I can get through this….I will get through this.” I smiled to myself because I know in my heart that when God created me he only created one, there is no other person like me any where and there never will be.

So right now I am making a commitment to myself to always make time to pray and give thanks to God for my life and praise him for even the small things in my life. I am making the commitment to take time out for me, go to the gym, bike ride, really taking time to clear my space and most of all I going to tell my four friends when I am not feeling well and when things are getting to me. When I feel things starting to bother me I am going to call my friends.

I love the work I have created and I love the people I serve and I want to be able to continue to do this work for the rest of my life, but in order for me to do this I need to be healthy mind body and soul. I cant tell you how good it feels to be in place where I know I have four people who will be there for me to help me through the hard times in my life. I cant tell you how awesome it feels to know that I now have two more people I consider my family and I know love me just like family.

Tonight I was able cook for someone in need tonight and that felt good to be able to do. I was able to talk to my friend Jacque and that was cool as well and right before I started to do this blog I got a message from someone thanking me for the work I do and for speaking up for them.

Tonight I am going to bed knowing that once again I called on God and he answered me.

Again I call you
And again you answer

Again I need you
and again you’re there

Once again I reach out
and you hold me

You console me
Once more and AGAIN.

When I need company
Someone just to sit with me
When I need a helping hand
Someone to understand me, yeah

When I need someone who cares
Someone to wipe away my tears
Reach out and calm me fears
I know that you’ll be there

Every time I turn around
The most amazing things I found
You’re there to pick me up
Each time that I fall down

Praise God for friends.

My Morning

• Posted by Kengi on August 31, 2009 at 12:39pm

Today was the first day for me. I slept late, well I slept until 8:30AM, but I stayed in bed and watched Good Morning America and the morning news programs. I got up and went to the gym and then came home and read two chapters of Basket Ball Jones by E. Lynn Harris. With his last books I was done with them as quick as I started them and since he is no longer here and there will not be another book, I seem to be taking my time with this one.

My friend Trav was on POZIAM on Sunday and I had the chance to listen to him and even call in and just like him when I first picked up the first book by E. Lynn Harris I was like “wait a minute. This is very familiar to me.” his books spoke to me the way no books ever have. The characters in the book were like people in my life and the situations were like situations in my life. I fell in love with his books so now to know that there not be another book, I guess I am taking my time with this one so it will last.

After reading I took some time to clean my apartment and put the clean laundry away. I cooked dinner for myself and my neighbor so I also had to clean the kitchen. This morning was really about taking time out for me and not thinking about anyone or anything other then myself. I ran some bath water and I soaked for a bit and then got out and finished cleaning the kitchen and putting things away. I had already talked to Tina and Andy to get things in place for lending them a hand. Andy offered to swing by and pick me up, but I wanted to take my time and go slow this morning.

I took some time to turn on my music and chill out and hear some gospel music and jazz music while I sat and did nothing but sit in my arm chair and look at the window. While I was listening to music I heard a knock on my door and when I opened it I saw the smiling face of my neighbor giving me back my plate “that was really good Louis, may I call you Louis?” I smile and said yes and invited him in, but he was off to the doctor and just wanted to thank me for making sure he had food to eat.

I’m really looking forward to going to West LA to hang out with Tina and Andy, plus Andy’s sister is in town and she seems like a hoot, so some chill time with her will cool too. The air here in Hollywood is not the greatest right now with all the fires that are burning, plus it is very hot, so I am really going to love being in West LA so I can get some time to ride my bike on the beach. I miss the water and I miss taking time to go down to the beach in the evening to clear my space.

As I look around my place I am smiling because I can see that even though things can get to me sometime and even though I may have a bad day I will be just fine, I have some awesome friends in my life and I have created this awesome organization that really helps people in ways where others fall short. I am smiling because I know that at the end of the day when it is all said and done, I really love who and what I see when I look in the mirror. I love the work I have created and I love the people in my life. I love the friends in my life and the joy they bring.

Today was the first morning for me and only me and I am going to make it a complete day for me and only me. I am going to hang out with my friends, get some much needed time down on the beach in the sun and I am going to take things SLOW today. I am not going to worry about things and I am not going to be concerned about anything other then ME.

Look at beach, cause here I come

Old Blogs from 2009 (July 2-24)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

My Own Apartment

• Posted by Kengi on July 2, 2009 at 7:15pm

Tuesday was “moving day” for me and the day before I was filled with so much joy and emotion. That night I got very little sleep because I felt like it was Christmas and I knew I had been a “good boy” and I was about to get the best present under the tree.

I was up early to make some NorthStar Fine Coffees and then Dab the AIDS Bear and I needed to finish getting all packed up. So most of the morning was spent packing things and making sure I fully ready for my big day. This has been a long time coming for me and right now I feel so great.

This week has been filled with getting settled in and making sure I have taken care of all that I needed to take care of. It’s funny how I feel like I am doing work that people get paid to for, but I get no pay for it and if things fall apart I will be back on the street and they still get a pay check. Funny how you can get paid for helping people remain homeless. Just got to love the Ame

Sunday Dinner and “Stigma”

• Posted by Kengi on July 13, 2009 at 1:24am

rican way right?

My very first night I had a weenie roast and I took a long hot bath complete with candles and some jazz. I was in the tube for so long I am surprised I didn’t turn into a prune or something like that. LOL. The next day was filled with making sure I got the final part of the application for HOPWA turned in. My apartment manger did it all with me the very same day I took it to her, but thing arent so smooth at my ASO, in fact I was told that I would be turned down for the move in grant before they even processed it. It really makes me sick how people just make decisions about things they do not control. Or how they act like the money is coming directly from their paycheck.

Tina and Andy really helped me get settled in by helping me move what little I had in their truck and once we were there they took me to the 99 cent only store to get some things. SWEET. The 99 cent store is great and since I’ve been going without for such a long time it is my favorite place to get the things I really need and not by an arm and leg for them. This really helps because with the very small about of income I have coming in each month it really leaves no room from extras of any kind. Nor does it allow for mistakes. One wrong buy and my entire budget is shot.

Thanks to Andy and Tina I was able to get the all the basic things from the 99 cent store, plus some food as well. As California is facing budget crisis and things that are taking the hardest hits are programs that I now have to rely on to help me with things like food and transportation. My ASO can only offer 400 free bus passes per month and now MTA has forced them to create a list of who will be getting it. I applied for my MTA TAP CARD over three months ago and it still hasnt come. Today I went to do it again and I was told that they some how lost it, but they had no problem keeping the money I paid. How lame is that?

What METRO pulled here in LA would simply never fly in places like New York because everyone, even the rich ride METRO and here in LA only the poor ride, so rolling out problems that will only hurt people is easy to do because no one is speaking for and cares about things that will cause major hardships for the poor. Right now if you dont have a TAP card you must pay $1.25 each time you ste foot on a bus or train. The no longer any transfers to other Metro buses or trains. Furthermore you have to pay for the card as well. Pay to get, pay to use. It’s a win, win for MERTO but a huge hardship of people like me. I cant afford to pay METRO twice, but if I need to get to the doctor or any place else I will have no choice. I had to load $20 on the regular TAP Card and pay the $2.00 plus pay the $2.00 for the other card I wont get for at least a month, then pay to load it once it comes. If there is money left on the old card I will not be able to transfer it. So METRO makes a grip while people like me get choked.

Wednesday afternoon two friends came by my place with dishes and things for my place as well as things for the bathroom along with TV’s and a stereo, so this too was very cool and once again has made it a bit easier for me. Now I dont have to buy these things with the money I dont have. I was super happy because although I know both these womean I have only met one of them, but man was it nice to have people over in my own place. After they left I sort of felt sad because I didnt have aplace where they could sit and be comfortable, but I know this will come in time.

I really cant wait to cook and have friends over for a dinner party. That is going to be so nice. I was really looking forward to finally having a place to do this, plus all the ceramics I and paintings I made at Being Alive, but those things are long gone because the “friend” I left the with three them out and failed to even give me the chance to pick them up. The others were not done and since Being Alive has moved to its new location I have not been able to get over there and see if they are still there.

So I am in Hollywood now and right in the middle of it. I am between the Vine and Highland stops with shopping and places to eat very close by. I joined the Y that is just a few steps from where I am, so now I really have no excuse why I cant work out and it is cheaper the 24 hour fitness and much better geared toward me.

I spent most of my morning at the doctor then over at my ASO and after I had my first appointment at the gym to work out with a trainer and I feel really good right now. I need to head to a goodwill or thift store to find a cheap phone and some pots, pans, toaster and coffee maker as well as a coffee grinder. I have to do all of this a small budget, so I am so hoping that stuff works well once I get it back home.

So this is the update for now. The video from the moving day is loaded and I will load more once I get my internet in place. I am so hoping it will go smooth and now have to wait the entire weekend only to get an “we are sorry” but I still have to pay for it.

Getting Settled in

• Posted by Kengi on July 4, 2009 at 2:30pm

The past few days have been really rather cool for me. I am doing things for myself that I havent done in over three years. Really longer then that when I think about it, because while I was taking care of my Pops my life was pretty much on hold, then I got sick as well and all things came to a complete stop.

As I sit back and look on things there is this feeling that my life came to a complete stop and everything around me keep right on moving without missing a beat. Almost like I wasn’t there at all. Even friends who knew what was going on in my life, they too moved on and didnt even stop to consider that the person who was once their “ACE” was hurting, but they were far to busy to care.

Right now it seems like I am looking behind me at the storm that just destroyed so much and I am smiling because even with all the destruction that I am looking back on, I am still standing, still smiling, still strong and the man my parents would be so damn proud of and the friends that I thought had walk off and left me are now behind me and there is no place for them in my life anymore.

It’s funny how what I have gone through has made me so much better then I was before and how now when I look at the people who were once in my life, my thought is “WTF were you here for?” but in everything and yes even the things that we dont like, the tears, the heartache and pain, there are lessons for us to learn and grow from. So as I have said before I wouldnt change a thing if I could go back and do this all over again know the outcome, because it was all part of my path and my purpose. Morever it has shaped me into the man that God would have me to be, not what man would have me to be.

Please dont get me wrong, I am in no way saying I am anything close to perfect, shit I know that I have my flaws and my draw backs, but I am happy that I am no longer the man I once was and I am damn proud of the man I now see in the mirror. I am also damn proud of what I have set my mind to create even though my world was under constant attacks that were meant to destroy the awesome man my parents gave birth to and also meant to destroy the destiny and purpose God has called me to do. Even in the the wake of the storm God provided for me and made sure I knew I was still his child, still had his favor and his grace was all over me.

Each time I wanted to give up, God sent me just what I needed to make me strong and carry on. Even in the form of hate and evil, they were part of Gods plan for me. Now as I turn to look away from the storm of my past and as the chapter closes I am happy to see some awesome new friends who I know truly care for me and love me in spite of my flaws and short comings. Friends who will stand with me and will always be there to help me get back up when I stumble and fall.

Tina and Andy, you never gave up on me, never doubted me and loved me unconditionally. Provided for me when others only wanted to see what they could get from me. Not you two. You stood guard when I needed to rest and stood up to the forces that came against me. You made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry. You saw in me what my parents created and refused to allow me to give up. I am so thankful to God for people like you in my life. You are my family and I am so richly blessed to have you both in my life. With my entire soul I love you both.

As I move forward I know I will have two awesome gifts from God right behind me to help keep me on track and not me forget that I am awesome and I am one in a million and what God created in me, he didnt create in anyone else. I am an original. Thanks for seeing past my flaws and loving me.

I also see so many other new friends and I am smiling because I know that you all are answers to my prayers. I am happy to be moving forward with great new people in my life. People who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be. Thanks to all my new friends and you all know who you are

Sunday Dinner

• Posted by Kengi on July 8, 2009 at 12:12pm

Sunday dinner was always a special time for me growing up as kid. It was a time to not just be with my family, but with close friends of the family as well. Sunday mornings were spent in church and then after morning service we’d gather and have a great meal that was prepared by either Ma. It was a great time and we were didnt have Sunday dinner at home, we had it at my Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house and again it was filled with family and friends.

Sunday dinners weren’t and never are so special when your homeless. To be very honest the only decent meal you’re luck to get is around Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s only if you venture into Downtown Los Angeles and I never did this.

Since I started my outreach to homeless people it has been my goal to restore dignity and respect in all the services that I try very hard to offer. Meals have been something I have fussed over each and every time I have made plans to serve and in times past it was always met with people telling me to do things a “cheaper” way to “feed more people” but my goal has never been to feed in large volumes, but to simply provide a quality meal to as many as I could. I had always hope that this would inspire others to do what they could to do the same.

Sunday, June 28, 2009 I set out to create a Sunday dinner that was very much like the one I grew up with. I wanted it to be a home cooked meal and I wanted people to feel like they had someone that cared for them and someone who would listen to them. I wanted to try to create a since of family and belonging for homeless people. I wanted to do this in love and with respect.

This outreach was not going to be like others I had planned, it wasn’t going to include many people cooking and buying things for the meal like outreaches in the past such as the Easter Feast or others. This time the food had to be made by someone who understands and does not question, someone who wasn’t going to try to cut corners in order to feed more people, it needed to make with love and not out of wanting to be patted on the back or recognized.

Ma never made excuses, she never wanted to be recognized or placed on some pedestal far out of reach from the people she loved, she did what she did every Sunday without fail, without excuse, without complaint and she did it when she was sick and not feeling her best and each time it was done in love and a great respect for all who would later eat it.

I recall the time she spent the day before baking breads, making cakes and pies and then Sunday morning, very early she was up making things like cornbread dressing and then the smells of roasts would fill the air and like magic I knew it was Sunday and later there would be a feast and it would be shared with my family and friends.

So I prayed and asked for guidance and favor and just like he always does God heard my prayer and supplied what I had asked.

I went shopping the day before and started cooking early Sunday just like Ma use to. Since I know I would not be attending morning service at any church like I use to when I Ma use to cook, I made certain I had gospel music on to help me do the very best I could to recreate something that was so very special to me as a kid.

Unlike Ma, my funds were low, so I had to pray very hard because what I was trying to do was something like the sermon on the mount and I truly needed God to bless it to feed as many people God would have me to feed and do so with respect and love.

My menu was simple, but is one that I love so much, as former private chef and caterer I have had the pleasure of cooking for many people and cooking all sorts of awesome meals for some pretty awesome events, but this time was by far the most special to me, because it was the very first time that I would try to do something Ma did so well without fail and I would be doing for people who truly needed something like this. A home cooked meal, made with love and respect.

The menu was Garlic Roasted Chicken, Mixed Vegetables, Red Mashed Potatoes with Garlic with bread, bottle water and a pair of socks.

The day before I spent the day down at Chess Park down at Santa Monica State Beach where I was able to feed over 25 people a meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Biscuits, Potato Salad, Rice Pudding and water. I also passed out two cell phones as part of my Stay-n-Touch program that provides free cell phones to homeless people with 30 minutes already loaded on them in an effort to allow homeless people to remain in control of there own destiny.

I was blessed to spend the day with my homeless family listening to their stories of hardships and great victories, like those of Jerry who is now off the streets and staying at PATH for 90 days. Jerry is also working on his art and doing all he can to make the most of the 90 days he has at PATH so that he is better able to get a job and make some money that will allow him to care and take care of himself. He is also working on getting some of his artwork made into copies. It was so nice to see such a huge smile on his face while I was there.

Sunday was spent with people I really don’t know all that well and with some I don’t know at all, but I am so glad I took time out to check in on them and as it turned out I was able to meet some other cool people are well. The cool thing was that I was able to visit with each stop I made and take my time. The people I visited with were so happy that I would even think of them at all and were blown away that I wasn’t a church. One guy was pretty funny when he said “I could tell you wasn’t no damn church bye the meal you are giving us and how you ain’t making us hear no story about how God loves us.” He went on to say that he knows God loves him and didn’t need some stranger “with a bag of soggy sandwiches to me that”

It’s funny to me how I recently saw the Dream Center down on the beach rounding up people and speaking with them, but before they fed them the meal with pasta and day old pizza homeless people are forced to listen to the message that Christ has from them. When I told the guy that this doesnt lead people to Christ, but make them resentful toward him and the real message that is love, he just smiled at me and asked what I knew about the Dream Center.

I told him what I knew from having been a guest of the Dream Center and what I saw and how I was treated wasnt anything like any dream I ever wanted to have ever again. It should be called the nightmare center or you will take Christ the way we jam him down your throat or u can get ur sorry ass out center. When I told him that forcing people to pray and forcing them to read bibles and accept things that are forced upon them in the name of Christ is wrong and is not the message of Christ and certainly does not represent any of the message of Love and Peace that Christ stands for he simply replied. “It isnt for everyone”

“It isnt for everyone? I am sorry but isnt the love of God and message of his son Jesus for everyone?” again he looked at me and said “Yes it is and I never said that it wasnt. You are twisting my words.”

“No I am not twisting anything. I am simply asking you to examine what you are saying and doing in the name of Christ. You said yourself that the message and Love of God and Christ is for everyone. Did you not just say that?”

“Yes, I did, but…..”

“Excuse me, it is a yes or no answer and there is no but, when it comes to God and Christ. Man created the but and all the rules, regulations, persecution, red tape and hold ups. Man did this, not God. Man created the program over at the Dream Center that isnt for everyone, not God, because the message of God and his love is for all walks of life equally so when you create things that doesnt include evertone then you create something that is not of God. You say your program in not for everyone, but the love of God is for everyone, so how in Gods name can you say that you are doing the work of God when you say it isnt for everyone? Did God tell you do create this program?”

“Excuse me sir, but the message of God is for everyone, but our program isnt. Everyone is not going to want to do what they are required to do in Christ in order to get better. Do you understand?”

“Oh I clearly understand that you have created something that is not of God, but you call it God loves and it isnt for everyone. You see the Bible says that nothing can separate us from the love of God, but you have created a program that does just that when you say things like it isnt for everyone. This is why God is who he is and you are not him, because you would only allow the love of God to fall down on those who think and accept what you put out, even though it is wrong. See the God I love lets his light shine on all and his love is for all people. Do you understand?”

“Well we have to go feed people now and do the work of the Lord.” he said as you looked me up and down like I was some peasant that had just touched his royal robe. As he walked away calling for the homeless people to go with him not many of them did go with him and I asked why. The answer they had was the same, but one guy said it best. “with all the money that church takes in, you mean to tell me that they cant afford to buy a decent loaf of bread or a pizza that isnt made to be in the garbage and I am supposed to believe that this is what God has for me? This is his love for me? Spoiled food that will make me sick? Just because I am homeless doesnt mean I dont know the word of God od what his love is all about.”

I sat with the guys for a bit before heading off to my next location where I bumped into Irving who I had met a few days before near the 7-11 on Santa Monica Boulevard, today he was sitting with JG listening to music in a small concrete park. I offered them meals and they were happy to accept them. We talked for a bit and the guys even let me shot a video of them.

Irving has been homeless for over 9 years now while JG has been homeless about 3 years. They both seem like good guys and I am sure there are plenty of reasons why they are homeless. Some good and some bad, some their fault and some the fault of a system that is designed to fail, but whenever the case is my mission and call was to feed them and visit with them and this is what I did.

JG and Irving are very different from one another. JG tried hard to find the good in his situation so that it is easy for him to deal with it. He talked about how he tries to always stay and remain positive even though he is dealing with some rather grim things. On camera he was funny and kept things light, but off camera he talked about how hard things are and how hard it is to sometimes find a place to sleep where his things wont be stolen or he wont have to fight.

Irving is in a wheel chair which makes him a very easy target, he spoke to me a few days earlier how he is always being picked on and how his things get taken from him. While he really didn’t want to talk on camera on this day once I stopped filming and he and JG told me what was going on with him my heart sank. They told me stories of how some homeless people have beaten Irving up and even tipped him over in his wheel chair. How they take his toiletry items and his sleeping items from him. As I sat and listened to these two men talk about how Irving is treated I thought to the times when I had to fight for my things and how I was told that I should pawn my laptop and camera. How people acted like since I was homeless I had no right to have such things.

I sat with the men for a while before a few more people came up, one of them a older woman that did not look at me at first, but when she did she had a black eye and what appeared to be a lip that had been busted. It was still rather big. I asked her if she was hungry and when she said yes, but asked for two bottles of water I was more then happy to give them to her. The guys even offered up their water to her and began to ask her if she was ok and how she was feeling.

I stood back and did not ask questions and I wasnt about to ask if I could take her picture, nor was I about to get into something she may not have been ready to talk about with a complete strager and from what I could tell the guys were taking very good care of her and making sure she was ok. JG quickly took her meal and began to cut it up for her and the others told her that she needed to try to eat something. When she began to cry out loud I had to turn and walk away because my tears began to fall. I looked at Irving as I did and asked him to watch my bike and trailer for me and I walked over to the courts and cried with my head in my hands. This woman could have easily been my Grandmother and there sat with fat lip and a black eye crying and hurting from whatever happened to her.

It wasnt long before one of the guys who walked up with her came over and asked if he could have another plate of food and I said yes. He bent down and asked why I was crying. He told me not to worry about her, that he would make sure she was safe from now on. I asked what happened and he said some girls from University High had beaten her up. When I asked why he looked at me and said “cause they didnt have nothing else better to do and she is homeless”

“Look hear son, you dont know just how much this meal helps us, these socks and thangs may seem like nothing to you, but they the world to us and we are so thankful for it. You stop that crying and keep doing what you do. You hear me boy?”

I looked up and said “Yes sir” As I did he put his hand on my back and said, “she gonna be alright.”

He walked away and I sat there for a minute and then dried my face and walked back over. I sat with them for a bit longer and each of them shared a part of them with me. We also laughed and told jokes and they told me stories about what is was like growing up when they were kids. In that moment my eyes filled with tears once again, because I was thinking of the times I would spend Sundays with my family, my Aunts and Uncles and even Great Aunts and Uncles and I would hear their stories about growing up in Santa Monica and how great that sleepy little town use to be. A far cry from what it is now. Even though my eyes were filling up with tears again, my soul was very happy.

I said my goodbyes and we all exchanged hugs and laughs and I jumped back on my bike and headed over to the park to see if I could find my friend Gary. Gary and some friends sleep at a park near my friends Tina and Andy’s place and the last few times I was there he wasnt around but I was able to leave meals and things with people in his camp. However today I had the awesome pleasure of talking with Gary, but before I did while I was filming a guy walked up and asked if I had any extra food.

His mane was John and while I didnt remember him he remembered me from the two outreaches I did to the cold weather shelter in West LA. He even remembered my name. After giving him some food and talking with him for a bit he told me that he too had found a place and would be moving into a garage later that week of a woman he was doing some yard work for. He said her son was so happy with the work he had done around the yard that he offered to covert the space for him so he didnt have to sleep on the streets at night. He only asked that John not have company of the space and not make too much noise. John told me he quickly agreed and even offered to continue to do the yard work for free in exchange for the mans offer. He said them son told him no, that he would pay for for his work and the place to stay was for free as long as he wanted it and as long as he didnt cause a problem.

The smile on Johns face was awesome and he even gave me some news on the lady who had helped in the kitchen the second time we did the outreach at the shelter. He told me she and her husband were making plans to open a place that would offer daily meals and clothes to homeless people in need. I was so happy to hear this and I asked him to tell her hello from me.

“I stood by and heard what you told that one drunk the second time you can with that pretty girl (Niambi) how you told him to hang on and that whatever he was going through he needed to do all he could to stay in control and change it. You said we each play a role in our situations and that only we can work to change them. You were talking to him, but what you said reached me, so thank you for being there and saying what you said. It really helped.”

After speaking with John and hearing his awesome news I moved forward to visit with Gary who is a homeless vet and an all around awesome guy. Today he was there so I was able to visit with him for a while and offer meals the to the people around him. The last time I had seen Gary I knew he was going to court for “camping tickets” he got from all shirts in one day. I was so happy when he told me the judge dismissed all the tickets and gave him 30 days in country jail, but with 30 days credit, meaning time served. Gary had this huge smile on his face and was so happy that he he got a judge that understood. He talked about how God allowed that to happen for him and how thankful he was to God for allowing him not be serve one day in fail and not have to pay one cent for any of those tickets.

I sat with Gary for a while and the only bad news he had to report was that the police told him he had to move on because someone had complained about homeless people being in the park where children play. The sad thing is that where Gary and his friends are located in the small park is against the 405 freeway and this isnt your typical park, it is a park with two baseball diamonds and there are no play areas for kids. The only time the parks are in use is when the little league is there for practice or games. In fact while I was talking with Gary two of the coaches and four parents came over to check on him and the rest of the camp. When Gary told them he had to move, they were all outraged and upset that someone had said anything. One of the coaches told me that he was never and neither were any of the other people ever a problem and many of the kids and families looked forward to seeing Gary and the others on Saturday.

As Gary was telling me how one lady even offers to keep their clothes clean for them, she walks up with her sons, one with a USC football jersey on carrying four large bags of clean clothes that belong to the people in the camp. She gave Gary and hug and a kiss and asked how he was doing and her sons hugged him as well. They too were sad to hear that they had to leave and upset that someone had said anything about them being there.

I had a chance to speak with the woman and her sons, very sexy sons I might add and why they started helping Gary and the people of the camp. Turns out that when her husband left her after the birth of their third son for a younger woman right as she was about to deal with breast cancer, she found herself with no income and no way of caring for herself or her sons. She told me how her friends turned on her and were not help at all and how she and her three sons slept in their mini-van for over three years Kentucky before she simply got the car fixed and drove to LA.

“We slept in the car for almost four months while I worked part time and saved my money. It wasnt easy because the boys needed things and it was very hard for them to do go school and have a normal life while we lived in the damn car. But some stranger saw us sleeping in the car one night and the next day she offered to get us a motel room.”

The stranger put them up at the Huntly Hotel in Santa Monica for three months and then helped them move into a house in Santa Monica and helped her get a better job. She told me the woman has since passed away, but they will never forget what she done for them and she felt like she needed to pay it forward and this is how she does it. Her boys are 16, 19 and 21 and so well adjusted with huge hearts and these smiles that are just blinding.

Gary told them how he met me and how nice I was to him and the people who camp there. When they asked why I did what I do I told them and they each embraced me. The older son Seth who is 21 found out he was HIV positive just 6 months ago. As I spoke about being HIV positive myself and how hard it has been for me to just get a doctor I feel I can trust and feel safe with and how it is so important that I remain vocal and very proactive not just for my own health care, but for others as well, is when Seth told me he was HIV positive and I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Shortly after coming to LA and wanting to help his Mom and brothers, Seth learned that his beautiful body could make lots of money to help and he began tricking to help his family. I wasnt long before this lead to drugs and this is when his mother found out that him not coming back tot he van at night wasnt because he had football practice or was hanging out with his “girl friend”

Seth is currently not on HIV meds and doing very well, but the grace of God. He is also very open and honest about his HIV and speaks about it as often as he can. I was so touched and moved by the strength and courage of this young man and touched even deeper by the love and faith this family has in God and for each other. Looking at how the looked at Seth while he spoke and how I saw the care and concern and heartfelt love they have for him and each other was just so inspiring and so uplifting for me. Seth asked if he could remain in contact with me and I said yes and he family offered to help me with what I was doing as well. Before I left they gave me hugs and his other kissed my forehead and said “your parents are looking down on you and they are so proud.” I was floored by this and began crying because I never told them a thing about my parents.

As I walked over to my bike Seth called out to me and he called me by my name “hey Louis.” I turned around smiling and said “What’s up big daddy” and he laughed and gave me a hug and said “thanks so much for sharing yourself with us today. It really helped me see tat I need to remain strong.”

“No worries dude. You are on the right track. Just stay on it and know that all this, (pointing to his body) in nothing without this. (pointing to his heart) Your life is far from over Seth and you know this. You stay strong and be the good man that your Mother raised you to be. Know that you can reach out to me anytime you need to man, no matter how late or early. If you need someone to talk to then you reach out. Understood?”

“Understood big daddy” he said laughing.

I jumped on my bike and headed out to pass out the last of the meals I had and it wasnt long before I found the last two people to give them to. They were in Westwood Park along side the fence near a family that was having a birthday party. The two homeless people we tucked away on the hill side doing their best not to be a bother to the family. I rode up along side next to them and asked if they were hungry and they looked at me like many homeless people do, in shock that I would even think to ask them if they were hungry. They said yes and I gave them the last meals I had. Since I had packed extra water with me I was able to give them extra water as well. I didnt want to draw any further attention then I already had by coming over to them and giving them food, so I smiled and told them to have a good night. “Thank you and God bless you” they both called out as I walked back to my bike. “You’re very welcome and God bless you. Be safe.”

Back on my bike and pulling off on of the men from the birthday party stopped me asking me why I had done that for them. He asked if I knew them. I told him that I didnt know them and I did it because it is the right thing to do and that I had the food to do it. He then asked what church I was from and I told him I wasnt from any church, that it was my own grass roots organization that I created when I was homeless. He then asked if I had a website and if I was a non-profit. I gave him the website and I told him I was not a non-profit and if he was thinking about donating that I would not be able to offer him a tax write off or anything like this. He smiled and said what I was doing was great and he would be in touch soon.

I biked out of the park and headed back to Tina and Andy’s and as I did the sun was setting and my back tire was in need of repair. I had broke the back spoke the day before while pulling the trailer back from Chess Park after my outreach there. I should have taken the bike to fix the repair myself but the main concern for me a the time was to feed people and this is what I did.

My first Sunday dinner for homeless people turned out to be great. What Ma had created and instilled in me is awesome and the feeling of cooking for people and doing it in love and not wanting anything in return was such an awesome feeling, because what God supplied through me for homeless people he also supplied the clear message of his love, grace, mercy and favor not just for homeless people, but for me as well.

I set out to create a meal made with love and respect for people and what God showed me is that it was so much more then that and that the work he has called me to do is awesome and he is pleased with it. The people spent the day with were awesome and so full of life in spite of their situations, they know what the love of God is and how the message of Christ applies to them, not matter what some doctrine or man tells them. The sun was setting and I had a smile on my face because I just spent Sunday helping people feel just a bit better about life and their situations.

I will now do Sunday dinner as often as I can and will do it in the same manner and with the same amount of love and respect and a heap of dignity the way they were prepared for me.

Dab and I had a great Sunday, this was now day 16 of my back to back outreaches to people living with HIV and AIDS and people who are homeless and man was I feeling very good about the work I had done and how I was able and blessed to do it and the love respect in dignity is which I set out to do it. As I thought about what the man from the Dream Center told me “It isnt for everyone” I laughed and said out loud. “You’re so right, the work that God called me to do isnt for everyone, but the love of God is for all.”

The socks for this outreach were provided by my friend Tina and the food was provided by me through the check I finally received from speaking for AIDS Project Los Angeles. I serve an on time God.

Who Would Have Thought?

• Posted by Kengi on July 10, 2009 at 5:49pm

Monday, July 6, 2009 I sat out to do something I hadn’t done in a very long time and this was an outreach on Skid Row. There are many reasons why I have not been back down to Skid Row, the main reasons are because of the the hurt I was forced to endure at the hands of places that say they are there helping people. Other reasons are the many fist fights I had while I was on Skid Row.

Growing up I had my fair share of fist fights, but those fights don’t even compare to the ones I had to fight down on Skid Row. They weren’t like fights I ever had before, no these fights were for my life many times and could have cost me life. So I guess one could say that I dont have a great deal of love for Skid Row, nor is there a great deal of love and respect for the missions and shelters there. There certainly isn’t any respect for Skid Row Housing Corporation.

I grew up in Santa Monica and Downtown Los Angeles has never been anything nice. In fact it was and still is a very nasty place. I really dont care how much gentrification or how many rich people move there to buy high price lofts that are doing a very good job to displace low income and homeless people, nor do I care how many Whole Foods or Parks are built there. Downtown Los Angeles is just foul.

Now matter how much you dress up something that really needs to be cleaned up and addressed it will always be dirty and foul. So the building of parks that the people who are low income, poor and homeless will never be able to use, the building of high priced lofts that only cater to those with excess and a police force that is nothing short of a gang with the right to inflick hurt, harm and terror the poorest of Downtown LA’s residents will never be a pretty place to me. Moreover it should not be a pretty to anyone.

If you some how think that Gays and Lesbians who suffer through homelessness and poverty are the exception to the rule, then you are dead wrong. There is no magic, no pink triangle and no rainbow that protects Gay and Lesbians for having to deal with the hardships of homelessness by providing them safe haven within the “community” Nope just like straight homeless people Gays Lesbians get a one way ticket to Skid Row as well and many of the ASO’s give them first class tickets. If you are gay or Lesbian suffering through homelessness and HIV or AIDS you too will get a one way ticket to hell. The bottom line is this, you are homeless, worthless, a fuck up, scum, low life, and all else that comes from being homeless, so the fact that you are gay or lesbian and have HIV or AIDS don’t mean shit. You’re homeless and homeless people don’t matter for shit. But you had better put that rainbow and all that other bullshit away down on Skid Row. They don’t take kindly to fagots and dikes on Skid Row. Now that’s real talk.

I am sure there are people who will tell you that they had a grand time on Skid Row and that things really were not that bad down there. In fact I am sure there are plenty of people all over who have suffered through homelessness and now say it really wasn’t that bad. I use to have a friend with AIDS who once told me he was bleeding in the streets of New York City and it really wasn’t that bad. If bleeding in the streets is fine and not that bad for some people, then more power to them, but this isn’t normal and isn’t ok for most normal people. I don’t think I know anyone besides this person who would consider bleeding in the streets not that bad or normal.

Planning to do an outreach on Skid Row really was not on my mind at all. I was in fact planning to do an outreach but that was the last place I ever thought I would go. Especially at night and alone, but this is where I was lead to go and I am so glad I went because it was very healing for me and the people I spoke with were people I knew and some I didnt know, but they were people in need and I was happy I was able to do the very little I was able to.

For those of you who have been reading my blog or watching my youtube channel then you know full well how much time and effort I put into an outreach and when it is an outreach that involves feeding people I am far more “persnickety” as someone called me, when it comes to feeding people. I guess you can say I am this way because I know what meals are like from missions and shelters and agencies like OPCC. I know what it is like to go days without eating because the meals served will only make you sick and I know what it is like to eat out garbage can as well. So the meals I serve must be quality, must be filling and out of love and respect for the people I am serving.

Now I use to ask people to help me cook for homeless people, but I no longer do this because for one thing some people cant cook to safe their soul and another reason is because people dont fully get it so when I ask for things they cut corners or try to get the cheapest thing possible in order feed more people. Also some people have too many things going on inside of them that they last thing they need to do is cook food for someone who is already dealing with enough. The last reason I no longer ask people to help me cook is the fact they are doing it for the wrong reason. However the main reason I dont ask is because people say they will on my blog, face book page and youtube channel for all to see them, but when the time comes to deliver the good they fall short and are no place to be found.

Now I do have some people that I can call on no matter what and they will always come through without a doubt, but since these people are few in number, I dont call on them often because I dont want to burn them out or not have them as an option when I need them the most. Many of my feeding outreaches are done alone and if it is a meal that requires cooking, then I do all the cooking.

Sandwiches aren’t something that I serve all that much and the reason for this is when I was homeless this was what was served for breakfast and lunch and many times dinner. A sack lunch with fruit that should have been thrown away weeks ago, bread that many times was molded and meat with that was turning green. Now there were those rare times when OPCC treated it’s homeless clients to a meal of day old Chinese food that had been donated by a restaurant after it can not be sold to the general public oh and I cant forget the pizza that was also donated. It was eating the meals served at the OPCC that I learned to eat from trash cans because the food was safer and better.

However when I do serve sandwiches I make sure they are a sandwich I would eat myself or would serve to my friends. More times then not the people serving the meals to homeless people aren’t eating the same food unless they too are homeless and are volunteers doing the serving and have no other choice.

The first order of business was to shop and I was a day ahead of the game on this one because I had already purchased soft steak rolls for the sandwiches. I picked steak rolls because the goal was to make a nice size sandwiches and the bread tends to hold up much better once they have been packed with the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles. The meat I picked with deli slice Turkey and Chicken and I got large steak tomatoes, Romaine lettuce and Vlassic Sandwich stackers. To round out the meal there was Mac Salad and a slice of pound cake. Once again I used recycled cardboard counters to carry the meals in.

It didnt take me too long to put together the 24 meals and they went just as fast. Since I decided that I was heading down to Downtown LA to get some things from Ralph’s I thought it would be very cool to take some meals with me on my way down. Many of the meals I was able to pass out to the many homeless people right here in Hollywood just blocks from whee I live

Once I got done with passing out meals here in Hollywood and came back home loaded up the REI Bags. Since it was getting dark I wasn’t about to dive my bike down skid row. That would not have been smart, besides the fact that I was alone while doing the outreach in an area that is known for violence.

Before I left I finished the video that is now on my YOUTUBE and I was able to make videos while I was done there as well. I made my way toward the Red Line Train headed toward Union Station and I got off at 7th and Metro. Since it was already dark I didnt think it would be a smart move for me to go all the way into the heart of skid row alone, so I just walked to places where I knew homeless people would be and they tend to be the homeless people who are a bit more gentle then those that you find down near the missions in the heart of Skid Row. Now this isnt to say that all homeless people down near the missions are not gentle or nice people, I am only saying that from a safety standpoint it would be better not to go deep into Skid Row.

Once I got off the train I toward Pershing Square because this was a place I would sit some nights and try to get rest when I was on the streets. While it is not a safe place it is a lot safer then just being down on Skid Row walking around only to become a target for drug users, gang members or the police. Yes I did include the police because they are no different then the rest and in many way they are far more dangerous.

While walking toward Skid Row the first meal I was able to pass out was to a lady, she was an older white lady and from the looks of it she had been having a very hard time for a while. She had one shoe on and the other over her left hand like it was a glove. The sock from the foot where the shoe should have been was over her other hand and she had either cut or torn holes to make room for her fingers to go through.

“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!!!” She yelled out as I got closer to her.

Not wanting to alarm, scare or set her off I tried to answer her in a calm gentle voice to single to her that I meant her no harm and that I was not going to bother her, but firm enough for her to get the message that I was not going to accept that from her either.

“Hi, hi, how are you doing?” I said and then I smiled at her.

Smiling back she said “I am fine, thanks for asking. Most of these assholes wont even part their fucking lips to say hello to me. They act like I have just pissed in their soda pop. What you go in those bags? Is it food? Can I have some?”

“Yeah it is food and yes you can have some. I also have water, would you like that too?”

“I dont have to pray or clean no church yard up before you feed me do I?”

“Not at all. I am not from a church and if I were I would not ask you to do anything like that. I dont think that is right, nor do I feel that is what Christ would have me to do.”

“Well that aint what they tell ya down here. I am going straight to hell if I listen to all the Jesusness they got to offer. I would like to talk to their Jesus and let him know that the people he sends to give me his message of love have ants in their pants and that book they hide him in is filled with lies and hurts and makes me head hurt…….”

She kept talking as I handed her the box of food, the bag with the napkin and folk, then the bottle of water. I asked her if she needed an extra bottle of water and she said yes. When she looked into her bag she let out an “Oh my God” she looked at me and said “How did you know I needed socks?” She was smiling but she was also in shock as well. She quickly opened up her container of food and said. “My Lord, what have you here for me to eat kind Sheppard from the cross of neverland ranch.”

I never started cracking up laughing when she said this. It took all within me not to laugh, but that would have been rude and may have upset her. I told her what was inside and she just smiled so big and for about three minutes the lady who many would call crazy or a wack job, but in that moment when she looked down at the simple little meal I handed her she smiled and said “God bless you for making me feel normal and treating me like a human being. What is your name young man?”

“My name is Louis, but my friends call me Kengi and you are very welcome. What is your name?”

“I am Rita, people call me crazy or piss pot, miss mess and the folks that live in those buildings that hover over us call me white trash or move old bitch, but the name is Rita. Will you call me Rita?”

“Yes, I will will call you Rita.”

“Well Louis, I must get to my dark corner and hide out so people dont bother me too much. I want to eat this fine super before someone takes it from me. Like them in those cars with that protect and serve on the front. It should say to hit and kick or to shoot and kill……”

“Rita you may call me Kengi if you like. Please be as safe as you can be and God bless you too.”

“So I can be your friend? You said your friends call you Kengi.”

“Yes Rita, you can be my friend too. You have a good night ok.”

“Ok Kengi my new friend. You be careful cause strange thing happen down here, dont let all the sparkle lights and shinny cars filled with smiles and grins fool you ok.”

She turned and walked away and right as I was about to turn around I heard her say. “Take care of him oh great one in the sky”

I saw one more person on my way to Pershing Square and he was just as cool as Rita, but not as chatty as her. His name was Edgar an older Latino who had the deepest eyes that could swallow you up. His smile was gentle and he too asked what church I was from and why he didnt have to pray. I told him I could pray with him if he wanted me to, but there was no requirement to pray in order to get the food. He too said God bless you to me and was very thankful for the food I gave me. I was at the corner when he yelled out. “You put socks in my bag. Thank you brother.” I smiled and crossed the street headed into Pershing Square.

Pershing Square sits across from the Biltmore Hotel and the Jewelry District. In the day time the park is used for concerts and has a grass area that most days is roped off, I think this is to prevent homeless people from laying down on the grass. God forbid a homeless person get comfortable in a public park and fall asleep. That is not permitted, the men in the blue suits that make it their business to wake and disturb homeless people who are sleeping will not stand for this. If you give them too much of a hard time they will cal the police and have you removed. I guess I just dont get how a public space can be a private place that only certain people are allowed to use, but I guess this is the American way. “Fit in or fuck off”

During the summer months there are afternoon concerts there and in the winter time there is ice skating and a large Christmas Tree. The park has a waterfall and bathrooms but I don’t think they are ever open. Again I think this is to keep the homeless people from using them. However this doesn’t prevent homeless people from coming into the park and finding places to sit and relax along the concrete seats that run along the side of the park near the Biltmore Hotel. There is also a concrete ledge that is good for seating near the waterfall as well.

I know many people who are moving to Downtown LA feel that homeless people do not have the right to use the Parks and Public spaces in Downtown LA, they feel that homeless people have no business there, but what they fail to understand is that long before all the “fancy” plans to revitalize Downtown LA, Skid Row and homeless people were already there. Poor people were already there, so why should they now be forced to move just because some “fancy pants” has now purchased a loft? Furhtermore when the plans to revitalize Downtown Los Angeles were talked about, they were to include places for the poor and homeless. At last check there aint a single homeless person or low income person that can afford anything close to a million dollar loft and a million is the low end.

City Counsel Woman Jan Perry handles the Downtown LA area and she is on my friends list on Facebook, but some of the things I see her post really make me sick to my stomach. “Jan Perry is excited about a new Park in Downtown LA.” or “Jan Perry is excited about a new parking structure in Downtown LA.” You will never see her say things like how she is excited to bring affordable housing to low income and the poor, not will you here her say things like she used her power to convince those billion dollar developers to build lofts for the poor or homeless. Nor will you see her say that she is excited to see full scale HIV clinics and support services down on skid row that arent abusive run down and poorly ran. Nor will she look into just how much good the places that claim to do so much good are really doing. Nope, you will never see that because she is too busy building parks and parking structures for “fancy pants” people. KICK ROCKS!!!

Once Inside Pershing Square it wasnt long before the meals that I had left were gone, but I was happy that I had enough with me to feed the people I encountered inside the park. Many of the people I gave meals to were older and some had mental illness while others were young and for whatever reason they are now homeless and hungry inside Pershing Square. I was happy I was able to feed them.

As I left the Downtown LA areas and got back to my place in Hollywood I had a feeling inside of me that was both happy and sad. Happy that I now have my own place after dealing with homelessness for such a long time. Happy I would be able to drink some water when ever I wanted, the water would be fresh and even ice cold if I wanted it to be. Happy that I have a refrigerator, that isnt stocked with much food, but it is mine, happy that I can turn on and off my lights when I please, happy I can use the bathroom and not have to worry if someone will steal my shoes or attack me, happy that I can shower when I want for as long as I want with clean towels and soap that has not been on anyone else, happy that can sit my laptop and digital camera down and not have to think twice that someone will want to fight me for them.

But I was sad that the people I had just fed were in the situations they are in for whatever reason, sad that they will worry all night long about their safety and the few things they have, sad that people think this is ok and that homeless people dont deserve any help at all and my heart sank when I looked out my kitchen window and saw a man sitting along side the YMCA in the dark pretending not to be homeless and hoping that no one would notice or bother him. I was so sad that I took it upon myself to make him something to eat and prepare a Do Something Kit for him. I took it out to him and squatted near him and spoke with him for a bit. This man is gay and homeless. We spoke of how things are just so hard for him and how he feels that ASO’s are no help at all.

As I sat with him I shared my own story and told him how hard homelessness was for me, but I encouraged him to hold on against all odds, no matter what comes his way and never to give up on himself. I told him that I too use to sit in dark corners and sleep on the streets and on the buses and trains and all else, but I tried my best to encourage him to hold on and not give up on himself even though it seems like and even feels like the whole word, even the community that says they are all about love, peace and diversity have also given up on him, that it was very important not to allow this to cause him to give up on him.

We exchanged phone numbers and I told him to reach out if he needed another Do Something Kit or was hungry. I even offered to wash his clothes if he needed me too. He said thanks and told me he would call if he needed someone to talk to. He stood and gave me a hug and asked if he was going to be alright and I hugged him back and told him the truth “I dont know this, but you do. You need to know you can be ok. You need to know and believe this.”

Back in my apartment I took a shower and then right before I went to bed I prayed for all the people I had met and I asked God to make a way, whatever way he saw fit, however he felt like blessing them I asked him to do this and I asked that the blessing would be a comfort and that the people getting the blessing would be able to see the blessing for what it is.

I want to express my heart felt thanks to my friend Kimberly who made this outreach possible. Without her support I would not have been able to but the things that were used to help over 20 people, men and woman, old and young gay and straight eat a meal that was made with love, healthy and have a few seconds of light and love in their dark world.

Kimberly I havent known you very long, in fact I only met you as you were trying to find the way to log onto POZIAM and from the moment on you have been simply awesome to me. When I think if how God sends what I need right when I need it, he also sends for others as well. Who would have thought in a million years that I would be sitting here today doing this blog to say thank you to you and what God has made possible through you and how God made both our paths cross through a network called POZIAM, our mutual friend Robert and the awesome place he has created for people who are affected and infected with HIV or AIDS.

Who would have guessed that you would be the source of so much hope, joy, encouragement and inspiration to me and for me? Who would have guessed that God would send a gift like you to someone as broke down as me? Who would have though that I would be able to feed over 20 people thorugh the love of someone I have never met face to face, but has a place in my life, my heart and my soul? Who have have thought that I would know someone as kind, gentle, loving and caring as you Kimberly? Well God thought of it and I am so glad he is who is, because he sends people like you to remind me to “keep it pushin” and not to worry because he is in full control.

With my whole heart I love and thank you Kimberly. YOU ROCK.

Jazz Music & Sunday Dinner. “Benefits of Struggle”

• Posted by Kengi on July 12, 2009 at 12:03pm

My love for music came at a very early age, I guess you could say that I really had no choice but to love music because both my parents were very much music buffs, especially JAZZ music. Ma use to tell me that when she was pregnant with me she’d listen to JAZZ music all the time and late in her pregnancy when doctors told her it was best to abort me because I would be born with brain damage or even dead, she didn’t listen to them, she prayed and played JAZZ music.

At the age of 5, before I was even walking Nana would prop me up on the piano next to her and she would play for hours. She told me this calmed me down and helped me to relax. Well it wasnt long before I started reaching for the keys and not long after that I was playing on my own. Nana was my piano teacher until I was 12 years old. Not once did she ever place a sheet of music in front of me. Even though Nana could read and write music, she was in a JAZZ band way back in the day, she would teach me how to play by ear. I am so glad she did this because I think it has made me a much better piano player and a much better vocalist as well. Yeah I said vocalist…I can sing too. Playing by ear forces you to listen and be present to the other instruments around you.

My first Choir was Boys Chorus at Lincoln Jr. High, although I had already been singing for sometime. After Boys Chorus, came Mixed Chorus and in 9th grade I was in both Mixed Chorus and Madrigal Singers. By the time I reached Samohi (Santa Monica High) in 10th grade I had been singing and playing piano and even the organ for a while. I was in a small band of friends and music was such a huge part of my life, in addition to sports, skate boards from Rip City Skakes in Santa Monica on Santa Monica Boulevard, BMX bike racing with my cousin Darrell and baseball with my cousins Anthony, Allen, Chris and Darrell.

Mrs. Anderson was the music teacher at Samohi and I never understood why she would put me in Mixed Chorus when all my friends from Lincoln were in Viking Chorale. Mixed Chorus was a beginners choir and we learned things like clapping, counting and sight reading. Of the students who were in Mixed Chorus with me from Lincoln they were only there because their class schedule would not allow them to take Viking Choral at 4th period. When I was a student at Samohi you could pick your teachers and the periods you too the the classes. I was shocked as hell when I wasn’t placed in Viking Chorale. I was even more shocked when I had to remain in Mixed Chorus all year.

I learned very quick that music experience at Samohi would very different from that of Lincoln, but I was still taking private voice and piano lessons and I sang and played quit a bit outside of school. So Music at Samohi became a space filler for me instead of something I loved to do and was damn good at it as well. Even though I wasnt “good enough” to be in Viking Chorale, I was picked for solos for the Christmas concerts and in special events.

My Jr. year I was finally able to be in Viking Chorale, but not selected to be a Madrigal Singer, I would never be selected as a Madrigal Singer at Samohi, in fact my senior year I didn’t even bother to audition for Madrigals my senior year. I did however make it to all Southern California and All State Choirs my Jr. and Senior years at Samohi. However it was my singing and playing piano outside of Samohi that awarded me my three music scholarships. One was a four year full tuition that I won my Jr. year in both voice and piano. Who needed Madrigal Singers, I was far better then all of them. There were plenty of us that felt slighted by Mrs. Anderson, but this only came back to help make us a far better group of singers. While Madrigals were supposed to be the elite, it was Viking Chorale that constantly got better marks then Madrigals Singers in the same shows. It was Viking Chorale that the student body cheered the loudest for. Each year without fail, even though I was never “good enough” for Madrigals, I was selected to sing solos.

JAZZ and Gospel music were and still very much are my favorite types of music. The Hammond Organ, not just any Hammond, but the Hammond B-3. I was quickly called a B-3 Specialist which made me smile so huge, because this was a title both Nana and Ma had. There are many different types of Hammonds, but only one has the name B-3 and just like the Rose Bowl is the Grand Daddy of all College Bowl Games the Hammond B-3 is the Grand Daddy of ALL organs. B-3 are very popular in churches and JAZZ bands.

I’ve always had a piano near by, that is until homelessness and I hadn’t played or sung since Pops passed until the passing of Ma, when I played both piano and the Hammond B-3 and sung at her service. I havent touched either since and I have no desire to.

However through homelessness my love for music grew, I didnt think it could grow any stronger, but it was late night JAZZ on my laptop sitting in dark corners of parks, alleys and on State Beaches that calmed my soul and comforted my spirit. It was Gospel music where I could here the voice of God speaking to me, reminding me never to give up or let go of the greatness God created inside of me when he allowed me to come into this earth through my parents. Music and my faith carried me through when all else failed.

I recall when someone gave me the bad advice to turn off the voice in my head and in doing so I trued to kill myself and from that point on I have never listened to anyone else telling me to turn off the voice in my head, I was hurt, but didnt listen when Ervin Munroe from Skid Row Housing Corpoaration told me that my thinking and speaking was backwards and I should not speak up for myself or others because people who say “who does he think he is?” A day after meeting with him he denied my housing in his effort to show me he was boss and in control of me. Well, Erving Munroe, I am a child of the most high King and you dont have the power to take or block anything that God says is mine. Not matter how fancy your office or how high you sit up in that fancy building with all the fancy people on your wall and that fake oak desk, no matter how many people like me you look down on, or how many people you think you have slowed down or turned away, you still aint shit. Just some old punk sitting in some stuffy office being unhappy about being gay and looking down on others. It is you who has backward thinking and speaking and you can keep your nasty ass, bed bug, disrespectful, disgusting and degrading Skid Row Housing Corporation, because what God has for me is far better then you could ever dream to have control or power over, now KICK ROCKS.

JAZZ and Gospel music got me through that night when I learned that the man who suppose to help me had in fact tried to crush me and when I asked for help from my ASO all I got was “There is nothing we can do Kengi.” Once again I would have to turn to the only one who has always doen just what he says and has never failed me once. God would work it all out in my favor.

Through homelessness I rediscovered JAZZ and Gospel music, not that I ever lost it, but I no longer had the money to attend concerts and music event that featured top name performers. There would be no trips to the Monterey Jazz Festival and not trips to the Stellar Awards, however what I learned was that there was plenty awesome FREE JAZZ events right here in the Los Angeles and I didnt have to pay a cent for them. I could even take in my love for art and museums as well.

K-JAZZ is the JAZZ station of California State University Long Beach and throughout the summer and well into the fall in some locations here in Los Angeles they put on some of the best FREE JAZZ events throughout Los Angeles. Friday Night Jazz at LACMA quickly became my favorite place for Jazz and that replaced me having to use the battery on my laptop at night. It also became the escape from the harshness of homelessness and skid row. After the concert I was able to take in all the art in the many mesuems at LACMA.

I later discovered the Latin Jazz on Saturday at LACMA and Tuesday night Jazz at Hollywood and Highland, but it was through homelessness that I discovered a Jazz event jamed packed with what I would consider to be the riches history of Jazz for the State of California, so would say for the entire Jazz world. I discovered the Central Jazz Festival.

The Central Avenue Jazz Festival is held on Central Avenue and 42nd Street in South Los Angeles, in front of the historic Dunbar Hotel. The Dunbar Hotel plays an integral role in African American history in Los Angeles as it is where the jazz greats like John Coltrane and Billy Holiday stayed when visiting the area.
Central Avenue was part of an early national music circuit that included Harlem, Chicago, New Orleans, and Memphis’ Beale Street, Cincinnati, Kansas City, Oakland as well as my hometown of Tampa, Florida. The corridor was densely packed with jazz dens and all-night “breakfast clubs” lighting up the avenue with their neon lights. All the prominent jazz musicians of the 1930’s and 40’s played along Central Avenue at venues like Club Alabam, the Last Word, the Downbeat, the Memo Club, Ivie’s Chicken Shack, the Finale Club, and Shepp’s Playhouse among other venues.

Central Avenue Jazz Festival is now in its 14th year and will take place over a two day weekend on July 25th and 26th. This is what I would consider to be the best of Jazz and it features some of the best and well known Jazz Players from the world of Jazz. This aint no Kenny G event, so if that’s the Jazz you like, then this event aint for you. However if you like Coltrane, Ella, Sara, Louis and the the sounds of Mr. Miles Davis, then you make sure you are here for this awesome event.

Every year the festival gets under way with a panel discussion with musicians who were apart of the excitement of Central Avenue back in the day. Trumpeter Clora Bryant shared insights with the crowd about the history of Central Avenue and painted a good picture of life on “The Avenue” with the clubs and the prominent jazz musicians of the 1930’s and 1940’s who played along “The Avenue.”

Thousands of jazz aficionados crowded “The Avenue” to hear some straight ahead jazz, bebop, blues and Latin jazz. I could feel the energy and excitement of “The Avenue” back in the day by looking at the crowd, many of whom frequented “The Avenue” during those vibrant times. Great music was showcased by wonderful musicians who performed for an appreciative crowd at the festival. Ernie Andrews (a legend of Central Avenue), Al Williams Jazz Society, Justo Almario Quartet, Gerald Wilson Orchestra (another legend- who recently celebrated his 90th birthday) this was a real treat for me, because I had first seen this man with my Pops as a small boy, I would later get to see him again in yet another awesome event at the world famous Hollywood Bowl thanks to the tickets I received from Bart Stevens at Being Alive. Barbara Morrison -another one of my favorites, that I discovered through my mother- closed out the festival on Saturday. Jazz America opened the show on Sunday. This is the future of jazz. These students were doing their part in keeping the legacy of Central Avenue alive. Vocalist Phyllis Battle, Michael Sessions, Nedra Wheeler, Poncho Sanchez and Nate Morgan kept the crowd glued to their seats and actively listening to various hues of America’s number one art form: JAZZ.

For the past 13 years, the Central Avenue Jazz Festival has been serving as a unique cultural event that pays tribute to the early heart and soul of African Americans in Los Angeles. Each year, the festival draws in talented jazz and blues artist to celebrate the rich cultural history of the area.

Spearheaded by Councilwoman Jan Perry (9th District), the Central Avenue Jazz Festival is a collaboration of government agencies (City of Los Angeles, Department of Cultural Affairs & Community Redevelopment Agency of the City of Los Angeles) and local non-profit agencies (Coalition for Responsible Community Development Corporation and Los Angeles Conservation Corps) working together to preserve the rich cultural and history in South Los Angeles.

Music and the arts have always been such a huge part of my life and they always will be. So I say thanks to K-JAZZ and Councilwoman Jan Perry for allowing my love for JAZZ and the arts to carry and comfort me through what has been the hardest and darkest time in my life, however while going though this time God allowed me to grow and create the Leon and Mary Fields Organization and the Do Something Saturday~that empowers people as well as the Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreaches that help to serve the homeless, low income, seniors and children suffering through homelessness, poverty and HIV and AIDS.

Monday will mark my 3rd week of having my own place here in Hollywood, However I am not out of the woods just yet, as I still waiting to hear if I will get the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities For People With AIDS) Move In Grant to pay my move in costs. I was hoping to get a call last week, but I yet to hear anything and when I called my ASO to check the status my call was unreturned. If I dont get the move in grant then I will be responsible for paying the total move in or I will have to move out. My faith tells me that I will get the grant, but just in case I do have a back up. With the death of my God Mother I got just enough money to cover this cost in case the grant is denied, even though there is no reason to deny the grant especially since I have been approved by the organization who runs the housing, I have been approved by the property management company and by the Los Angeles Housing Authority , but HOPWA is something entirely different.

How sad is it to think that someone to get this far only to be told “No” after they have already moved in? How fair is this to people who will not have any other choice but to be back on the streets? Why doesn’t a system that is supposed to help do just that? Why are there so many road blocks set in place by our government and no one seems to be doing a thing about it.

As an HIV positive Black man this is one of the many reason who I feel and know that “access” to care and services play much higher roles then those of stigma and education when it comes to HIV and AIDS being the leading killers of my community. I know this not because I read some place or I work in some air conditioned “fancy” office that simply ready charts and made of figures. I know this because I live it and I see it and I know plenty of Blacks who say the very same things. So dont try to sell me on stigma and education when the biggest “stigma” is our government and ASO’s who refuse to see and believe or see that “access” is far more deadly any “stigma” or lack or “education”

Having to spend the money $900 left to me would mean I will be would have to really struggle with bills and things like a bus pass would, hygiene items and even my community work would suffer greatly. The $221.00 I get per month from GR really deosnt go very far once I pay for my rent, utilities and cell phone. In fact it leaves me with $19.21 for the rest of the month. However I will gladly spend the little money left to me to help me be a little comfortable to prevent me from being back on the streets. If this means I have to suffer and go without, then so be it. I know God will always make a way out of no way for me and what he has for me is mine and no one can take it away.

I still refuse to give up, I refuse to allow a system that is designed to fail people and this includes the health care system and the system currently serving all my bothers and sisters who are poor or homeless and battling HIV and AIDS, I refuse to allow the City and County of Los Angeles and the State of California or the United States of America to convince me that sigma and education is what kills when I know for a fact that it is not being able to access care and care services that kills in far greater greater numbers. I refuse to allow anyone to tell me that since I am poor I do not have the right to high quality health care and access to the best doctors and treatment for my HIV. I refuse to sit by while homeless people suffer at the hands of system that has never worked and has only gotten far worse with time and has been given the green light to abuse and take advantage and make huge profits off of someone who is dealing with the harshness of poverty and homelessness. I also refuse to exhaust my energies helping other countries when there are massive problems right here in this country that need to be addressed first. Issues like homelessness, health care and HIV and AIDS. We can not continue the ignore the elephant in the room, because we are far too busy looking at the flies around its ass.

So the the leaders of this great country and I am talking to all leaders, for the local cities, states and national leaders with your hands out, you need to see that there are people in this country with empty mouths, there are people in this country who need health care, there is people in this country battling HIV and AIDS while on waiting list for things like ADAP and Medi-Cal.Blacks in this country are still over 25 years behind in the battle on HIV and AIDS and homelessness is a national disgrace.

Preachers your calling to is tell us about the light, not preach sermons of hate and evil, the same God that you say hates Gay and Lesbians also hates messages that ring out with words of hate for his people. Gays and Lesbians are his people too. He created us just like he created you, so use your store fronts, pulpits and catholic and cogic thrones to send his only and true message of LOVE and PEACE. Stop adding your twisted and evil two cents to it.

It’s Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 10:47AM and I am about to get dressed and head over the gym for day 5 of “Restoring the Temple” after this I will come home and start cooking for my Sunday Dinner outreach to Skid Row. I will be able to feed 24 people a meal of oven baked BBQ Chicken, Crock Pot Beans, Salad, bread and pound cake with a bottle of water through my Do Something Saturday and Kick Start Meals programs.

This meal will be made in love and respect just like the leading ladies, ~Nana, Grandma Ma and Big Mama~in my life always made for me when I was a kid and as an adult. I will have both Jazz and Gospel playing while I prepare this meals and God will bless them and allow them to be a comfort to those who receive them.

Happy Sunday everyone and God bless

Sunday Dinner and “Stigma”

• Posted by Kengi on July 13, 2009 at 1:24am

This was the second time I set out to create the same Sunday Dinner that I enjoyed so much as a small boy and even as an adult and it was the second time that it was a complete success, just the Sunday Dinners the “leading ladies” of my life use to prepare. Nana, Grandma, Ma and Big Mama really knew how to put together a meal that would not just feed me hunger, but feed the soul as well.

Yesterday evening Dab the AIDS Bear and I set out to find a market that would allow me to feed 24 meals to homeless people on a budget. I had already made a crock pot of beans and now I needed some chicken, lettuce and potato along with dinner rolls and pound cake to round out the meal. Bottle water would be what I would offer people to drink.

Dab and I ended up at JONS Super Market, yes I said JONS, not VONS. JONS is a low cost Latino market with lower prices then leading markets like VONS and Ralph’s. I was glad that JONS was in the neighborhood, because Dab and I were able to make it a nice evening of walking and picture taking.

I new I had to get lettuce, but I was planning to buy both the lettuce and tomato from the 99 Cent only store, but the prices of both lettuce and Roma tomato was so inexpensive at JONS I was also able to get some cucumbers and red onions for the salad as well and I even spent the money I was able to save on a higher quality dressing for the salad. Going to JONS was a sweet treat.

On the walk back I found this really cool trash can with all sorts of cool colors, saying, shapes and eyes on it. I even bumped into someone who reads my blog and watches my youtube channel that also lives here in Hollywood. I have never met them before in person and they dont comment very much on my youtube channel. However they knew who I was and to be honest I had to stop and put my bags down and ball my fists up as he ran toward me.

“Relax Kengi, I am not here to fight you dude.” he laughs “I saw you walking and I just wanted to park and come up and tell you that I really appreciate what you do.” He extended his hand to shake mine.

I was still a little nervous shaking hand because as I reached out for his hand there were three more guys running toward us. So I shook his hand quickly and took a step back and tightened the straps on my back pack.

The guys were all friends and headed home. Funny that they live just a few blocks from me. Turns out all of them watch my youtube channel and were introduced to it by their girlfriends and boyfriend, yes one of them was gay and I thought he was the straight one. LOL They were really cool and really made me laugh about things in my blog and vlog and how it has helped them in their relationships. They gay guy even said he has some friends that would love to go out with me. LOL. I laughed and asked what was wrong with them?

The guys offered to help me out with getting to know my new area and even wanted to take me out form drinks later this week. Two of the work out the Y where I now work out too. Be very cool to have some people to hang out with in this area. I did tell them that I also wanted to meet their girls and boyfriend as well since they were the ones who hooked them up with my channel. The really cook thing was that all the guys gave me the best hugs that felt so good and genuine. The one guy who is married with kids, the one who ran up to me first hugged me the longest and thanked me for being strong for other people and for speaking out and making people aware of what is going on with homelessness, HIV and AIDS. He invited me to meet his kids and that made me feel so amazing.

Once back home I returned emails and talked to a friend from Dallas and right before I left I got a call from someone I really like and it was the phone call I was really hoping would come. He likes me too, so that made me smile so big and with that I was ready to go out to do something that I have not done for a while and that was a picture Safari at night. I t was awesome and I was able to snap some pretty cool pictures of Hollywood. Since it was Saturday night there were plenty of people out and the buildings were all lit up. People here in Hollywood seem to think that they are just as popular as the celebrities and many times I was asked not to take pictures of people when I was in fact shooting a building or a cross walk. When I showed them the pictures in question they were “very sorry” and each time I asked them “What is it about you that would make you think I would want to take you picture in the first place? I mean who are you? Or who would you like to be that would make me want to take a picture of you?” Each time there was no answer.

Back home I again returned some emails and responded to comments on my youtube channel and facebook. I also had some personal emails with regards to my blog from yesterday. It also odd to me when people send me comments about my blog or notes in a private email. Not odd when friends do it, but when people do it because they are afraid someone else might see them making a nice comment on my blog. There isn’t a blog that I have posted that has not drawn harsh criticism. Some even calling my bogs “always negative” and that I am “mean spirited” or “angry at the world” LOL, No matter what I say in my blogs or vlogs someone is going to have a problem with it, so I am just going to “keep it pushin” and not worry about what anyone has to say, cause at the end of the day what they have to say doesn’t matter.

Sunday I was up early, I went to the gym and then I was back home and getting things ready for Sunday Dinner. I already knew I would be cooking for 24 people and I knew it would be a huge challenge with my very limited kitchen, but I am a pro and always up for a challenge. I also knew I needed to run to the store to round things out. I needed water for the meals, pound cake, zip lock bags, butter, cheese and sour cream. The last thing I needed was the dinner rolls.

It was hot today and having the oven on made things much hotter, but what I was doing was trying to bring some comfort and just a bit of people that will go without so I didnt let the heat get to me. Things could be worse. The first thing was to wash the potatoes, wrap them in foil and get them into the oven. I also wanted to start washing the chicken.

I was making videos the entire time and taking pictures and in one of the videos I talked the importance of food safety and handling of food when feeding people and even for feeding yourself. I did this because I saw this youtube channel where the person was cooking chicken and they said they let the chicken get room temperature before cooking it and this is a HUGE no, no. Chicken should never be allowed to reach room temperature ever before cooking it. It should always remain under refrigeration until it is ready to be cooked. I also talked about the proper storage of chicken and meats as well.

I decided to run to the store after I had done all the cooking and I am glad I did this because I was able to take time out to clear my head and also look for places where homeless people might be. Since I am new to the area and I am very unaware of homeless people in this area and how they act I feel it is important for me to make myself aware of this because some homeless people can be violent and others can have massive drugs problems and someone riding a bike like mine can be a easy target.

There were about 4 homeless people near the 99 Cent only store and I knew I could come back to feed them, but I was also able to find a park and I also found some homeless people near the studios as well and when I was ready to do the outreach I would not have a problem finding people to feed.

By the time the Sunday Sun had dipped into the awesome Pacific Ocean I had feed 24 homeless people and one of them was a very sickly AIDS patient. His story touched my heart because he was with a camp is three others who help to care for him. They make sure he gets to his medical appointments and also make certain he has his meds and he takes them. However what they told me is something I see each and every day without fail and that is homeless people and poor people suffering through HIV and AIDS with little or no support from any community, so when I think of how badly agencies that are in place to help serve homeless people are failing, I also see that ASO’s are failing just as bad and in fact Gays and Lesbians who are homeless are sent to agencies outside the so called “community” for help and support. Many times they are refereed to places like Skid Row where “embracing diversity” and the colors or the “rainbow” are not on any mind not even the people who are in line to “help” you.

Before I walked away they asked me why I was feeding homeless people and I looked at them and said “because it is the right thing to do and I was homeless, I am also HIV positive. I know this isnt much, but I really hope and pray that it helps.” As I stood up I touched the mans leg and told him to remain strong and I smiles at him. “As strong as I can be young man”

As I rode my bike home my heart was sort of heavy, all day I had spent cooking for homeless people in a effort to make things a slight bit better for them and I met a man with AIDS, a Black man with AIDS, homeless having a hard time getting to his doctor and even a harder time keeping up with his meds, not because of his willingness to seek out and comply with treatment, but because he is homeless and he doesn’t count. He will soon be another Black man dead from AIDS and it will be blamed on “stigma” and “education” will the real cause of death will be “arrogance” of a government to see that this man matter and the “arrogance” of ASO’s that dont fight or advocate for people like him and “Access” to care and care services.

It’s 1:03AM and the Sunday Dinner Outreach was a complete success. I did what I set out to do and that was to feed people a high quality meal and visit with people and try to provide them with something they never get, someone to listen to them and at least the chance to be heard, but as I sit here and think of all of them especially the man with AIDS my heart is very heavy, because the people who should hear them are not listening at all and they never will because they are homeless and homeless people dont matter. Not even those with HIV and AIDS. How’s that for “Stigma”?

Week 3 in My Own Apartment

• Posted by Kengi on July 14, 2009 at 12:25am

Today was such an awesome day for me and it was filled with smiles, laughter, friends and even my family. My life is so blessed, it always has been and it always will be because God is good, all the time. Even in our darkest hour, our roughest storm, no matter how far we think we are from the love of God and no matter how much we are told and made to feel that he does not hear our prayers or care for us, he does and always will, because we are his children and he made all of us, each and every one of us have be created in his image and he loves us and cares for all of us. He thinks we are the best thing since sliced bread, he’s into us, he loves us.

He knows all about our faults and blemishes, he knows how we can foul up the simplest tasks he give us to do, he knows all about our pasts, but still he says to us like he said to Moses “I called you by name and I know who you are Louis, I know who you are Kimberly, I know who you are Robert and I called you for my purpose and you have found favor in my site”

I dont mean to get preachy or churchy here, but how many of you know that God is awesome? He is so awesome that he has given us the most prestigious seats in the Kingdom and with this we each should be smiling and loving that God is not one of our friends that get upset when we say or do things they do not like, with this we should be happy that man is not God because he would never allow the rain to end in our lives, we should be happy God is who he is because in him, with him, though him and because of him, we are still here no matter what others have said, done or set in motion to do, God steps in and says “NOT SO”

I had three doctors appointments today and after my third that was at my new HIV Clinic I was still smiling and for the first time since being HIV positive I have a doctor and clinic that make me feel like they care about me as a human and take my health care seriously. For the first time since being HIV positive I feel I have a team at my new clinic that will work just as hard as I will to help me not just fight this battle with HIV, but win it. I have a doctor and a team that treats me like I matter, I have a doctor that fully understand that I am Black and already fighting a battle that Blacks have not fair well in not because simply because of stigma and education but full access to care and care services.

I once said that by Dr. Dube not signing my Los Angeles Housing Authority form that would allow me access to housing did not diminish as a good doctor, I alter took what I said back, because it does diminish he as doctor. His job is to “first do no harm” and not signing a form to allow his patient, one that he is supposed, in fact took an oath to provide the best possible care for, a place tolive off the streets which would only improve his (MY) HIV care and my bodies ability to heal itself and stand a better chance at living longer and stronger without HIV meds, goes against his oath of “first do no harm” and diminishes him as a doctor. Furthermore his unwillingness to listen and allow people to explain how the shelter plus care program works and understand that he is not stating that I am disabled, but do in fact have a disability which is HIV and the Americans with Disabilities Act sets clear provisions for people like me with HIV. His willingness and arrogance to go against this clearly diminishes him as a not just doctor, but as a human being. No one in their right mind would stand in the of housing for someone with HIV, but clearly Dr. Dube and the Rand Schrader Health and Research Clinic of USC and its administrator clearly have a great deal to learn when it comes to HIV care for the patients they serve. Since they claim to be the leader in the care of minorities it is no wonder HIV and AIDS is the leading cause of death for Blacks in this country. Access to care includes housing.

If you recall my blog about my first face to face encounter with AIDS, I was about was about 19 years old and I had been asked to drive a long time family friend to County USC Medical Center~Big General~ to see her son who was sick. I had heard about the gay cancer that was killing gay men, but I had no idea what it really looked like or what it really was. I knew Dennis, Mildred’s son, was sick but I had no clue of what that meant until I walked into that hospital room at County USC Medical Center and came face to face with AIDS. Dennis was in pain and I yelled and wanted to know why no one in the damn hospital even seemed to care. I begged with Mildred to leave the room because that wasnt Dennis is that bed, someone was playing a joke on her. I recall the look in his eyes when I started crying when I saw him.

I know the look well, because it is the same look people I called friends have given me when they find out I am HIV positive, it the the same feeling I have gotten from doctors who wore gloves when shaking my hand or not making eye contact and the same feelings I felt when my doctor refused to sign form that would allow me housing.

As I sat in the driver seat and Mildred begged God to give her child peace saying “Oh God I understand” in a voice that was angry and upset, but more importantly a voice of a child of God asking for traveling grace for her son on his last days. A voice that new God would make a way out of no way, a voice that knew God was still the great I am that I am and was still all loving and would provide just what he said for her son Dennis. As I drove away I saw Big General in the distance and I thought to myself how evil that place was and how I wanted that building to never hurt or cause harm to anyone else like the hurt and harm it was causing Mildred and the rest of her family

The cry that I heard from Mildred was a cry that was felt inside me soul. It was like one soul calling out to another, mourning for the loss of something that would never be replaced and would never be again here on this earth. He crying and talking with God touched my soul and I cried in silence next to her, not making a sound in order to allow her to be at peace with God and what he was about to do for her son. “Please give him peace Lord. I understand, but please give him peace.” All the way back to Venice Mildred cried a cry that I had heard a few times before. A cry of the soul that was wounded and so hurt that there was noting no one on this earth could do to calm or comfort it. God would have to do this and only he could.

How strange that I would end up in HIV care at USC and how strange that given all the hardships that I had to endure there, I was starting to believe that my fate would be that of Dennis and many other Black men that I know personally and families who would not trust USC Medical Center to care for their dead cat or dog. Refusing to sign my form for housing and so many other things at 5p21 meant and mean I dont count and as a Black man I dont stand a chance in hell of beating HIV if I was to remain in care at a place that doesn’t even think enough of the patients they serve to have an appointment scheduling line, not even care enough to stay on top of programs that support and provide for people with HIV and AIDS

But God always shows who he is and how awesome he is to me in the people he places in my life. Thanks to Brian Risley my AIDS Treatment Educator I was able to get an awesome letter of referral to another doctor and the following week I was able to get in to a new clinic, get my blood work done again and now have an awesome doctor. Not only that the people at the clinic fully understood that it was important that the paper get signed and they worked to make sure they did all they could to help me secure and not have to miss out on housing. They even called to make sure the housing person knew that they were on board and doing all they could to help me, someone the HIV clinic at USC has never been willing to do.

Today is the 3rd week that I have been in my own place, thanks to people who “first do no harm” and once again, under all the stress I have been under God shown me that he is God all by himself and once again my blood work comes back with awesome results. T-cells still climbing and viral load still dropping off all with no HIV Meds and my doctor is please with this and has told me to keep moving forward with taking care of myself. For the first time since being HIV positive my doctor made me feel like she fully cares for me as her patient and as a human. She took an interest in my community work and made suggestions as to how to keep my health improving and remaining strong and she did this without making me feel stupid for asking or like scum for even having HIV in the first place. Finally I feel like I am not fighting HIV alone. I now feel like and know that I have a doctor who will help me fight and a team at the clinic that will help me as well.

Today I met with a nutritionist at the clinic and she was awesome. She listened to me and heard what I had to say and together we came up with ways to help me “rebuild the temple” and once again I walked out of my new clinic with no stress and a huge smile in my face and once again I felt like I had someone on my team that cares and would be there for me if I needed them.

Access to care matters and it is KEY for the survival of any HIV or AIDS patient and this is especially true for Blacks. Barriers and access to care is the leading cause of HIV and AIDS death in Blacks in this country and I would even say in the world. Yes education and stigma play roles, but barriers and access play greater roles and they are the leading reason why Blacks are still over 25 years behind the rest of this country when it comes to living longer lives. Now that’s real talk.

After the doctor I spent the rest of the day with my niece Adraine, she is the daughter of my older brother and I am so glad we spent the day with each other. For the most part of the day it was just she and I and we spent it laughing and talking and getting things for my new place.

I felt so good to once again have family in my life again. I have brothers and sisters, but we do not share the same father and we were never really that close as kids. Adraine is from the brother I am close to, but he has been gone since I was in the 9th grade. It was so cool to spend the day with her just like we use to when I was younger and use to pick her and my other nieces and nephews up for days at the beach or at the museums.

Later in the day her husband dropped off the kids and once my heart was so filled. I saw my great nieces and nephew of which I am the God Father of one. Kevin is her husband and he was someone who helped me build my catering business and man did we have so much fun and made so much money doing it. When she asked me to be the God Father of their first born I was so touched and so moved that such an honor would be given to me.

When homelessness hit I felt ashamed and knew I would not be able to perform or step in to care for her like I was able to do before homelessness and this shame caused me to put distance between us, however today in talking with her and sharing things with her and just having the chance to be with her and the kids and Kevin again was so amazing and made me heart so filled with love and warmth. For the first time in a long time there was something called “family” in my life. People who love and know me, know my heart and love and care for me.

Tomorrow I will get a love set and chair that they no longer need and are giving to me for my new place to go with the things she and I picked out today while talking, laughing and sharing just how awesome God really is and how out lives are right where they are supposed to be.

In addition to all this Kevin and I are going to work out ways to start the business we once shared together. I ended my day with my family in my apartment in Hollywood, cooking dinner, smiling, laughing, giving and receiving love from my family and as I am reading emails from friends I getting love and giving love to them as well.

There are plenty of people in my life, but only a hand full have reached out to me saying “congratulations” and offering their love and support. Only a few have always been my real friends through the thick and thin, the ups and downs, good time and bad, laughter and smiles, tears, pain and heartache. Not because I always say and do the right things, but because they are my friends and they love me regardless.

As I look at the new friends in my life I see that these are the people my parents spoke of, these are the people who will stand by me when times are hard and money is low, these are the friends who will cry when I cry, laugh when I laugh and pause when I pause and these are the people I love, respect and will always cherish, because they are my friends and my family until the very end and I know this no matter what.

It is the third week in my own apartment and I am smiling and loving even more then ever the awesome and blessed life God allows me to live. I am happy for the many awesome people in my life and I am thankful to God for each and everyday to do his will through my community outreaches, but I am greatly blessed by the family and friends God has placed in my life to encourage, inspire, uplift and empower me.

GOD IS GOOD

Weekend for ME

• Posted by Kengi on July 20, 2009 at 12:44am

This was a great weekend and it was the first time in such a long time that I took time out for me and it is something that I really so badly needed to do. Much of my time, day and night is spent planning and doing things for other people and I really love the community work I do and I love the people I have met while doing it. So taking a weekend for me was just what I needed.

My weekend started on Friday morning with a trip to my new HIV clinic and let me just say this, I a so glad that to be a patient there and for the fist time I can honestly say that I feel like I am not the only one who is concerned and willing to fight for my health. This clinic is awesome and my doctor is the best. This is the first time since being told I was HIV positive on April 3, 2008 that I feel like I can a long time with HIV. This is because until now my health care was crappy to be nice about it and the doctors treating me didn’t give a rats about me. Many questions and concerns went unanswered and not addressed at all.

There was and is no appointment line at my last HIV clinic, you simply have to keep calling until you are able to get your nurse on the phone and there was point where I went a full 9 months before being able to get in to see my doctor. The entire time people who call themselves people who care would say things like “There are no barriers to care” and I know this is nothing but a bunch of crap from people who dont care that people who are poor and or homeless are not getting the care and care services they need so badly.

My first face to face with AIDS was at County USC Medical Center and I will never forget it and my last clinic was USC’s Rand Schrader Clinic or 5p21 as it it called by people who even know the clinic exists. They claim to be the leader in HIV care for minorities and if that is the case it is no ownder why HIV and AIDS is the #1 killer of Blacks. The last straw with the care at USC was the fact that my HIV doctor refused to sign a form that would move me into housing saying “You are not sick and HIV is not a disability” then hanging up the phone in my face. What doctor would want for their patient to be homeless on the streets? What doctor can honestly say they care about their patient when they know they have stood in the way to housing for their patient who is HIV positive?

The same thoughts and feelings that I had about USC and it’s medical staff as a 19 year boy seeing a long time family friend visit her son who was clearly in so much pain and they stood by and did nothing. This feeling came back to me as a 40 year old man when my own HIV doctor from the same place stood in the way to my housing and that would cause far more harm then good to me as HIV patient.

I had already been told by people at Medi-Cal that I needed to be sicker in order to qualify for the state run medical insurance program and from how I was being treated by 5p21 and from treatment by former doctors and clinics and the lack of support for my ASO I was beginning to believe that I would have to be sick before things would change. Imagine doing all things you are required and still feel like your life is not important to the very people who are in place to help you. Even your doctor and clinic. If your own doctor doesnt make you feel like you can make it through this and the clinic reinforces things and feelings that “you dont matter” and “you dont count”, furthermore places in place to help you also make you feel like this is not going to be a happy ending? Imagine getting answers like “I dont know” or “there is nothing we can do” from places like an ASO and other places that are supposed to ehlp you through and deal with HIV. Not even the gay and lesbian center were any help, in fact they were more trouble then help. “It’s a process Kengi, you have to be patient.”

Each trip to my HIV clinic only lead to more questions and far more stress then I should have been forced to endure at the hands of system that is designed to fail. The good thing in this was that I had already been through so much from simply being homeless and what I would learn from being HIV positive and homeless is the fact that even though I am HIV positive I was still poor, Black and homeless. Three strikes and you’re out right? Wrong

My parents raised a fighter and the one thing I knew for sure was that I am a child of the most high King and what he has for me, is mine and it aint over until he says it over, so no doctor, no clinic, no ASO, no homeless service agency had the power to stand in my way. In fact I knew it would take God calling me home to prevent me from sitting where I am now and in my heart I knew God was not ready for me. This meant I had to hold on and fight as hard as I could. There were times when this was too hard for me and this is where my friends Tina and Andy would always step in and say “Kengi you can do this.”

I have a great doctor now and an awesome team that I know will do all they can to make sure I get the best medical care and support services not because I am so great, or that I am always an awesome person. It isnt because I always say and do the things that they feel are right or that I have the best medical insurance that money can buy. Nope it isnt any of this, but they do this because I am a human and I deserve medical care regardless.

Since being a patient at this new clinic I have a place to get my eyes examined and get my glasses, I have a nutritionist, acupuncturist, I have access to support services like case management, but the fact that I was able to have a team leap into action to make certain I was able to get this apartment was awesome. Not even my own ASO worked as hard or did all that my clinic was doing to make certain I was able to get this apartment. People from the clinic were calling the housing case manager letting them know I was doing and they were doing all they could and right when I was just out of time, I got a call from my clinic, not my ASO and it was my clinic and it’s staff who smile and shake my hand and are happy as I am that I am no longer homeless.

As I walked out of my clinic after my appointment on Friday I had a smile on my face and yes tears falling down my face, but this time they were not because I was confused or felt like I was in a bad place, or had a doctor and clinic that could care less about me. Nope these tears were tears of victory and once again ignoring what has been said and all that was not done. No longer would I have to sit my best friend Andy and break down and be made to feel like I am shit, homeless, worthless and yet another Black man that would die from HIV going untreated, leading to AIDS and leading to death.

As I walked out of clinic I felt the sun on my face, not the sun that shines during the day, but the sun that comes from God, for the first time since being told I was HIV positive I was crying not out of fear for my life, but for the wealth and worth of it and the fact that I now have a doctor and a clinic that will fight just as hard as I will for me life. With each tear that fell the feelings of being alone in my HIV fell as well, every hurt and pain from hearing “I dont know” or each person who has made me feel like I have bothered them by asking them to do what they same they do, provide medical care and “advocate” for me. For the first time in over a year I not only had a medical team that cares for me, but a medical team that was also willing to “advocate” for me.

As I boarded the Red Line Metro Red Line back home to Hollywood my feelings took over and once again my tears started to fall and this time someone asked “are you ok? Do you need me to call someone for you?” I smiled and shock my head no and said “I am fine and yes everything is fine”
The feeling and tears were not from sadness, but again from JOY and knowing that I no longer will worry about my medical care. To know why there were tears you would have to fully understand what I have been through, how hard I have fought, how many times I broke down, how many times I put others before myself, how many times I would cry with my best friend Andy, how many times I wanted to cry with my best friend Tina and how many times I cried myself to sleep. You would have to understand how many people who are supposed to help only made me feel stupid, worthless and like shit for even asking. You would have to have gone through something in order to sort of understand what the tears were for.

Friday night I met up with my friend Shawn for a dinner snack in Downtown LA to get tickets to Romeo and Juliet the ballet at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion. Shawn had won the tickets and wanted me to have. He said I deserve to have some fun. I knew I was getting the tickets because he ad told me the week before. Once back home with the tickets I sat in my apartment and said “Thank you”

I got up early and went to to the gym on Saturday and then came home and took a long nap. After I headed over to Ross and got a pair of pants and a shirt to wear tot he ballet. As I walked to Ross I spoke with Tina and we made our plans to meet at the Music Center. Andy would join us later and we’d have dinner after the ballet with him at the Bonaventure Hotel at the Bonaventure Brewing Company.

It has been a while since I was able to go to the Music Center for anything other then looking at the water fountain to pass the time before the sun would set and I would be forced to sleep on the trains and buses all night or worst fist fighitng for my laptop and digital camera. But this time was different, my laptop would be safe at my apartment and there would be no riding of the bus or train all night. Just the watching of Romeo and Juliet performed by the American Ballet Theatre with someone who has been more then my best friend, but more like my sister.

I took my buddy Dab the AIDS Bear with me to the Ballet, but we were not allowed to take any pictures in side, However this did not prevent Dab and I from making friends and enjoying the awesome yet tragic love story in an awesome venue with a great friend.

The Bonaventure Hotel has not changed one bit, but I was glad to this time be sharing this cool place with my best friends Tina and Andy and my new little buddy Dab. I had the meatloaf that was tender and juicy with garlic mashed potatoes while Tina had Chicken Marsala that was cooked to perfection. The sun was starting to dip, but our day and evening was just beginning and we were in for a great night.

We headed to the Arts District in Downtown LA to a street fair, but the fun was to be had inside the little treasure called Wurstkuche. This was a place that Tina found with her boss and this place is awesome. Doesnt look like much from the outside but when you walk in the place just explodes from what appears to be just a deli style counter with sexy people behind to a place with a live DJ spining awesome sounds cafeteria style dinning tables and a bar that is on point and a bar tender who knows his shit.

This place can be stuffy and fake very fast, but that isnt what we encountered. The staff was sexy and cool and the beer was great. I loved the bar stools and the awesome wood door that when opened gives a great view sweet view of the awesome skyline we have in Downtown LA. The bar is wood and there is a cool space for seating along the back wall that is built in and bold. This place rocks and the menu looked awesome as well.

I was kind of sorry that we had already eaten because I was all set to try the awesome array of sausages they offer at Wurstkuche in addition to the outstanding variety of stellar beers, sodas and fries that are served a cool selection of dipping sauces. This place rocks and I am glad I was able to kick off our night of fun in such a sweet and cool place. This is one place that I will be back to visit because as a chef I really to taste those sausages and all the other treats that this awesome establishment has to offer.

Wurstkuche is located in the heart of the Arts District 800 E. 3rd Sttreet, Los Angeles, Ca. 90013. Contact them online at www.wurstkucherestaurant.com

The next stop was Royal Claytons 1855 Industrial Street. This place was sweet and our bar tender was awesome. This was the second stop and once again this is another sweet find. The bar is sweet, dark wood with a lots of huge windows and a sweet pool table with Red cloth. The people at the front door were awesome and made us feel welcome and once inside the music was on point and the bar tender was sweet and very helpful. She ever gave us some awesome places to hit up on our bar tour of Downtown LA. There was this cool wine/bottle rack on the wall near the table where we say and overall the place was cool and the vibe was right.

This place is also a must visit when you are in the Downtown LA area and want to chill at a place with and when we have a bar tour of Downtown LA again this place will be on the list. Sweet place, great find.

We then headed around the corner to Tony’s Cocktails, we were told to hit this place up, but I could have done without it. The place was crowded and tables were filled with Pizza so we took a seat at the end of the bar where we got no service. The two bar tenders never came over. We were served by the bar back. Not once did either bar tender ever come over to see if we were ok or if we needed anything. This was a place I was happy to leave and will not ever go to nor would I tell people to visit. To be honest you get better service buying a $3.99 bottle of wine from 7-11. Tony’s was a waste of time and money. As we walked out the bar tenders were too busy having a meeting of the minds to even say goodbye and the bar was pretty much empty. This bar was a dive and not in the good way.

I our last stop was a life long favorite and a place I use to go with my Grandpa as a kid and when my Grandma needed to shop for Hollywood parties she catered we would stop in this place for a French Dip Sandwich. I am talking about the one and only Coles French Dips in the heart on Downtown LA.

For those of you who have read my blog or watched my youtube channel then you know that I was born and raised in Santa Monica and my Grandma was a private chef with a awesome catering business and she cooked for a long list of Hollywood starts including Jimmie Walker, Ben Vareen, the Gerber family and she even cooked for Roger Miller and would later move with him to Colorado. My love for cooking and my skills in the kitchen were gifted to me by my Grant Grandma and Grandma.

Cole’s has been remodeled, but the classis style and awesome food and service are still in place and I am so happy to know this because like so many places in Los Angeles, this place has a very special place in my heart. Just like as a kid I got the the French Dip Sandwich with tender and juicy sliced beef. The Cole slaw was awesome and our server, although she was very busy, she was very kind, helpful and a great waitress.

Andy was our designated driver, so Tina and I were able to really enjoy our awesome day and evening. By the time we were headed home I was smiling because I had just spent an awesome day with my two best friends. Two people who have stood with me when others turned and walked away. Two people who helped me remain strong, helped me to hold on tight even when places that were supposed to help me called me “Stupid” “Backwards” and supplied me with answers like “I dont know” They helped me hold my head up when people printed things only to make their organization look good, but knew fullk well those words never left my lips and that this was nothing more then a play on words to make a place look good and tried to use me to do it.

I celebrated with my friends for not allowing what man has no control over to turn me around or caue me to get discouraged even as people tried to make me feel as if I had said things that had hurt their organizations already badly damaged reputation. I smiled because people like Shawn belive in me and what I am doing and knows my heart had felt and cared enough about me to give me tickets he had won to see Romeo and Juliet.

I said goodnight to Tina and Andy and walked into the gate of my place and then in the door. I smiled so much bigger when I got an email from someone who is homeless in San Franciso and also has HIV and says he is very sick.

“Thank you for standing up for me and for giving me a voice. Thanks for taking on all the hurt, attacks, tears and heartache in order to try to make things better for others. Thank for standing up when the people who should be standing up are turning their heads and making me feel much worse then I already do. Thanks for putting yourself out front and taking all the heat, but most of all thanks for giving me hope and for inspiring me to believe in myself even as I eat from trash cans and am not able to always get my HIV meds. Thanks for being a voice for people who are seen and not heard. Thanks for making me feel special and wanted. If your message never reaches anyone else, please know it reached me and I hang on because you have shown me that I need to fight for myself and belive in myself against all odds. In your words Kengi, YOU ROCK!!!”

I returned the email and said “thanks” and offered my phone number if this person ever needed someone to talk to. I never act like I have the answers, I just try to stand in the huge gap for others and many times all this requires of me is time and listeing, not judging or acting like I have the answers or know whats bestor have any idea what someone is going through.

The past weekend was for me and it was filled with friends and people I know love and care about me. It started with a trip to a new clinic where I no longer will have to worry about my HIV care and a place where I know if concerns come up they will be answered and taken care of. A place where if there ever comes a time that I need to take HIV meds I have a doctor and a full support team in one place that will help me deal with, make the right choices and get through it.

Shawn thanks so much for all the love, support and awesome friendship you have shown me, thanks for thinking of me when you got the tickets to Romeo and Juliet. Thanks for allowing me to have such an awesome start to a great satruday. YOU ROCK.

Tina and Andy, thanks so much for being the amazing blessing you are for my life. Thanks for being strong and helping me see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Thanks for eltting me cry when I needed to cry and thanks for pushing me when I wanted to give up. Thanks for believing in me and for believing in me and my outreaches to homeless people, people with HIV and AIDS, Shriners Hospital for Children and for being my family. You two are the best friends I could ever ask for. Funny how there are so many people whom I have grown up with and spent my childhood with, but none of them have been the friends that you two have been.

To my new HIV doctor and the staff at my new clinic, thanks for caring, for all your help, thanks listening to my situation and helping me come up with solutions that have gotten me into my own place. But most of all thanks for helping me see and feel something I have never felt since I was told I am HIV positive. My life matters, my care matters and I deserve the best care regardless. Thanks for showing me that I am not the only one who thinks I can make it, thanks for showing me that you too care about me living and are willing to fight just as hard as I will not be be another Black man on yet another CDC report.

December 19, 2008 I turned 40 years old and on that day I made the choice to live a great life, even greater then one I had already been living. I made the choice to work harder, speak out more, be a voice for those who are ignored and treated like crap. April 3, 2009 I launched my second outreach called Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life and that outreach is growing strong and has already reached out to so many. It is quickly becoming just as well known, loved, embraced and support be people like my first outreach that I started while I was homeless, Do Something Saturday~that empowers people, when so many people told me that since I was homeless and sick I would not be able to help anyone and that I should only worry about myself. Even social workers who told me to pawn my laptop and digital camera, ASO’s who told me Skid Row was my only choice. KICK ROCKS!!!

I’ve said this before and I will say it again. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and do this all over again I would do it all over again, fight every bloody fist fight, eat out of every trash can, endure every time I was called, nigger, faggot and all else that I have gone through. I’d still plan, create and organize my Organization, The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation, I still create, Do Something Saturday, Unpluggin HIV, Do Something Kits, Life Kits, Extreme Make Over for Homeless People, Easter Feast, The Million Dollar Ghetto, Free Hugs for Homeless People, yeah I would cry ever cry, let every tear fall and break down and I would do this and not change a damn thing.

I love who I am, I always have and I always will. I love what I have created and love the meaning and purpose God has shown me for my life. I walking on my own path knowing that at the end of everyday, when it is all said and done, it is not up to any ASO, Homeless Service Agency, Clinic, Doctor, so called friendships or any of this. It’s up to God and I am so happy for this because if it were up to man, I would have dead and gone a long time ago.

The Gospel song says “I wouldnt take nothing for my journey now, because I’ve come to far to turn around. Running for Jesus, I’ve been running for a mighty long time and I am not tired yet. I get so discouraged and feel so afraid, so I look to the hills from which cometh my help, I grab enough hope and these are the words I say. I wouldnt take nothing for my journey now”

As I bring my weekend to close late Sunday Night I am smiling and kicking it in my apartment, enjoying my view and getting ready to take a long bubble bath and then hit the sack, because I will be up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym, head to DPSS and then start working to plan my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS. I also need to get the back tire on my bike fixed and ride from Hollywood to Mar Vista to pick up a clothing donation. Big week ahead of me, so I am glad I took this weekend to relax and have a great time with friends.

God Bless

METRO..The Art of Taking Advantage of the Poor & Making a Ton of Money Doing It

• Posted by Kengi on July 22, 2009 at 5:00pm

Last week someone from Atlanta sent me a email message asking me if she could buy one of the pictures I have on my Flickr page. I asked her what she would use it for and she told me and I said yes. The very next day she put $50 in my paypal account and told me to treat myself to a night out. She typed “LOL, I know you live in LA and that wont be much. I love what you are doing, thanks for letting me buy your picture.”

With the $50 she gave me I was able to buy two day passes on the METRO, get some cleaning supplies and food items at the 99 cent only stores. I was also able to go out to a local spot here in Hollywood and Dab and I had a great time.

I’ve been meaning to go over to DPSS just to make certain things are fine with my case, but each time I make plans to go something always comes up and prevents me from getting there. Once it was the fact that I have no money to get on the bus to get there, so this little extra was a huge help to me.

As I walked out the door I got a call from my housing case manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles telling me that my grant through HOPWA had been approved and I could pick it up. I went right over and when I got there I was happy to know that not only did I have the check for the move in cost I also had a check for the first months rent. Even though I had already paid the first month, this was awesome because no I could use this check to pay next months rent. Sweet!!!

After taking care of the check business and things I had the chance to spend some time talking with the housing case manager and I am so glad I had this awesome opportunity because I had some things on my mind and I had prayed for answers to them and through speaking with her I was able to get the answers I needed and now I am making the plans to move forward into “greater works”

It’s always cool how God will use someone or something to give you the answers to the things and questions you have asked for. He always supplies us with answers, but many times we are too busy other things and looking the other way and trying to make things happen on our own without him that we miss out on the real answer and the real “fix” for things in our life. Today wasnt that day for me. I was present and tuned in. I was also happy with the answer. There is the other problem. Many times we arent happy with the answer God gives us, so we act as if he hasnt answered us yet.

I headed back home to take care of the rent deposit and also pay next months rent. For me this was a huge weight lifted because I know the first round of bills are due and in order for me to get through them I needed some help. Look how God showed up. Nana use to say “He’s an on time God” See I know this for myself now. To be honest I’ve always known it but through homelessness and being HIV positive I have learned to trust it more and the connection is deeper then ever before.

One of the major bills I have is transportation and if you live here in LA, then you know riding the METRO is not cheap and with the new TAP card things have gotten more expensive and much harder to deal with. METRO seems to have forgotten, not that they have ever cared, that more the 90% of their riders are poor or extreme low income. Creating services that only cause hardships for these riders really serves no purpose other then to make money for METRO at the expense of the poor. But hey who gives a damn if the poor have to suffer. As long as rich people dont have to deal with it.

In places like New York where everyone uses public transportation, the rolling out of new programs is greatly different. All the riders must be considered, but not here in LA. Like I said mainly poor people use public transportation and very little to no consideration is ever given to how new sweeping changes will affect the poor.

Not long ago METRO went from charging $3 for a day pass to $5 in an economy where people are struggling to just make ends meet. The METRO announce that it would no longer offer paper day passes nor would METRO offer transfers from METRO to METRO. This would then force METRO riders to either buy a $5 day pass or pay the base fare for each bus or train they board.

For example the base fare on METRO is $1.25 a passenger use to be able to get a METRO transfer for about 25 cents that would allow them to ride two buses. Not anymore because METRO no longer gives transfers to their own buses and trains. So what use to cost $1.50 now cost $2.50. METRO says it is cheaper to just buy the day pass for $5, but it doesnt take into consideration that you may not need to buy more for something you will not use. But since they are METRO, backed by the government, taking advantage of the poor is easy. Our government does it all the time, so why cant METRO.

In addition to no passes you must pay for the TAP card. Yes I said pay for it. METRO has come up with a way to not just make you pay more on the bus, but they found a way to make us pay for the half baked program as well. METRO doesnt give it’s riders the new cards, no it’s riders must pay for them and then pay again to use them. How is this fair? METRO does away with paper and then makes us pay for the plastic card that they can take away at any time and not give us out money back.

If you are a senior or disabled you must reapply for the new orange TAP card and once again if you have medical conditions like HIV or AIDS you must disclose this to METRO and it is not clear who will have access to. I have applied for this new TAP card four times now and each time METRO claims that they have lost the paperwork. Each time I do this in their office so they cant say it was lost in the mail, but each time it is lost. So my personal medical information is floating around some METRO office for anyone to see. This just does not seem right to me, but I am poor, so who gives a damn.

Will all these changes result in better service? Hell no, METRO drivers are still just as rude, the buses run just as slow and the train service is the worst. I wanted over 15 minutes for a train in what is considered rush hour. On Tuesday while going to the DMV I waited for METRO buss 445 for over an hour and 25 minutes. Many of the 20’s and 720’s dont even go all the way into Santa Monica, you are forced to transfer and wait for another bus in Westwood and this can sometime take forever. By the time the bus going to Santa Monica arrives it already filled with passengers to even stop to pick the 3 bus loads of people already waiting.

Let’s go back to transfers, METRO says they dont sell transfers, but this is not true, you can purchase a transfer in the underground, however METRO will not honor it. Their drivers say “We dont take transfers” but they will sell them to you and not honor them.

METRO says that the police are there to make sure people are safe, but all I ever see them do is give tickets and ask people to show their passes. Today in three different location the Los Angeles Sherrif had areas of the station made up to look as if it were some sort of sobriety check point to simply give out tickets to people. This is LA, shouldnt the police be out protecting people and not passing out tickets to the few who do not pay to ride the damn train?

METRO told me today that now they have my application for the discount fare and it was approved. “You should have your card in 6 to 8 weeks.” So for now I pay the higher fare until they mail me the other card. METRO says it is not their fault, but the place where they’ve contracted cant keep up the demand.

This is just another way how it is cool to take full advantage of poor people and our government allows it to happen. What can one do? Well if you’re poor, not a damn thing. There is no way in hell people are going to stage a boycott. This aint the 60’s when people took to the streets to protest. Nope today people are riding the bus for over two hours in one direction to get to a job that barely pays the rent, they cant afford not to have a job and METRO is fully aware of this.

If you are planning to visit LA and will be using public transportation, please be in for a rude awakening. Now only will you need to buy and load a TAP card for all METRO trains and buses, many other bus companies are also introducing their own TAP system and none of them will work together. So for someone like me who rides METRO buses and trains, Santa Monica Buses, Culver City Buses and Torrance Buses, I may soon have to have a TAP card for each company. Culver City already has it’s own TAP in place and Santa Monica also has it’s own version of TAP.

TAP must be code for TAP into your pockets and empty them out.

KICK ROCKS METRO….America’s Best……that’s a bullshit award.

An Irish Blessing……For My Friends

• Posted by Kengi on July 24, 2009 at 1:03pm

Since being in my own place I have made a real effort to make certain that I take time out for me. Not that I didnt do this before, but now with my own place, my efforts to grow my organization is even greater, so there is a larger need and effort to remember to take time out for me.

Not so long ago I started a group on my blog network called “Restoring the Temple” mind, body and soul and this is a major focus on me, myself and I. I know you are wondering what I am doing and what it involves and to be very honest it is very simple. I’ve battled Sickle Cell my entire life, cancer 5 times, homelessness for over 29 months and now HIV for over a year. Wanna know how I am doing? Well here it is, Sickle Cell I am keeping in check now by taking time out to relax and clear my space, the cancer is now in remission and homelessness is now officially over. In the battle with HIV I am doing very well. In fact my body is kicking HIV’s ass and after 15 months of being HIV positive my immune system is getting stronger, my T-Cells have climbed very well and my viral load continues to drop off and all with no HIV medications.

Part of my Restoring the Temple is to take time out to do more prayer and meditation, more time clearing my space and connecting to my higher power and for me that is God. My Faith in God and Christ is what kept me safe and my mind sound through the 29 months of homelessness and the hurt, sadness and shame that comes from being homeless and it has been my faith and prayer life, keeping my connection and doing all that I could to build on it, has also carried my thus far through all the hurdles, hurt, pain, sadness and even fear of being HIV positive. Add to this the awesome blessings from God of the amazing people in my life.

When I turn back and look over what I have just come through, seeing all that God has allowed me to see and experience and still retain a sound mind, a clear head and a soft and open heart I am both thankful and humbled by the gift of life that God allowed my awesome parents to give to me and I am proud of the man I am today and I am damn proud of the outstanding organization I have created, it’s outreaches, the people it serves and those who have come to love and embrace with I do in the true spirit of humanity and not for “community” It is my belief that when we speak of “community” we separate ourselves from each other which causes division and lack of understanding of people, places and things that are not like us. However when things are done in the spirit of humanity, there is no difference between Blacks and Whites, Jews and Greeks or Catholic or Christian. God created us all in his image, he wants us to live as one, not in “community” but humanity that loves one another as he loves us. ALL OF US.

Restoring my Temple must mean that I need to be thankful for the good and the bad times in my life. Thankful for the storms, trials and tribulation, for without them there is no growth, without challenges we can never gain wisdom, compassion, understanding and unconditional love. The hardships in our lives helps us to grow and are not there to destroy us, but to make us stronger for what will come next. Each day we all should give thanks to God for simply waking us up and allowing us to see another day.

There is a old gospel song that says “I’ve got one more time to clap my hands.” so for me each day that I awake, healthy and strong I must give thanks for this, even though I might be in pain, it might be struggling, but I will make my way through, shattered, but not broken, wounded, but in time God will heal. There are and will be times when I will be troubled, but not in dispare. In times of great storms and I have been through many storms in my life, I must see myself at the finish line, I must visualize the land while riding though the storm, knowing always that God is right there with me, working it all out for my good in the end.

I’ve been blessed to have some amazing people walk into my life and blessed even more to have them walk in and become my friends, my family, people I know I can count on no matter what. When we think about all the people in lives, how many of these people will go to bat for you? Will walk through the fire with you? Will stand with you? Will not walk away when you fall flat on your face? How many of these people will love you and all your flaws, blemishes, faults and short comings? How many of these people in our lives with stand with you when all your money is gone? When your housing because a park bench, a dark alley or behind a trash can?

Well I am here to report that I do have lots of people in my life, but I am blessed and humbled by the friends in my life. Friends who have seen my battle and friends who have seen me suffer. Friends who have been right there through the thick and thin, through the hurt and pain and the many tears. People who have helped me keep my faith and love for the good in humanity. Friends who have been answers to my prayers and friend who had said “So what Kengi. We love you.” How many of us have someone we can call after we’ve tried to kill ourselves and they not judge or turn their back on you? How many of us have friend who you can say “I am HIV positive” to and they not later make jokes about it? How many of us have friends that will make room for you when they barely have room for themselves? How many of us have friend who love us unconditionally? How many of us have friends who will give and support us and never once say “I did this for you?” or remind us of all they have done? Yeah I have a ton of people in my life and they are blessings for my life, but I have very few friends.

This past week I had the awesome chance to hang out with my two dear friends Tina and Andy for a weekend I will never forget. A weekend with Romeo and Juliet and then a night on the town laughing and simply enjoying each other and the friendships we share and last night I once again had the chance to spend some time with two more dear friends who I admire and respect so much, Krystal and Patrick.

It’s funny how we met and when I think if the first time I met them and now enjoy the bond of a real and true friendship with both of them I just smile and say to myself “how awesome is God” How awesome is he to send me people like this into my broke down life? How awesome is God that he would think so much of me that he would allow people like Krystal and Patrick to embrace me in friendship, unconditional love and in the true spirit of humanity.

Santa Monica is where I was born and raised. I know the city like the back of my hand. Santa Monica was a sleepy town, not the big booming mega city it is today. People care for and knew each other. Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School were considered the best around and when you said you lived and went to school in Santa Monica, that truly meant something. Graduating from Santa Monica High was an honor. There is so much I love about Santa Monica, because I was raised there and most of my life was spent there. Having the opportunity last night to hang out with my friends at Big Dans a local mainstay in Santa Monica right at the foot of the World Famous Santa Monica Pier was so awesome.

It’s kind of cool because the first set of awesome memories I have of Krystal and Patrick is the night of my 40th birthday, at the Galley Steak House on Main Street in Santa Monica, then night of bowling and birthday cake at Bay Shore Bowling Alley, two more places that hold such awesome memories for me. Krystal had just had knee surgery back then and last night she is once again recovering from knee surgery and on the same crutches. Just like way back in December we had a blast.

I once again got to hang out with some of their friend Susan and JP whom I’ve met before and Michael and Kristin who I had a blast talking to and getting to know. We all hung at Dans for a minute sharing drinks, smiles, lots of laughs, and awesome conversation before we headed over to the sand next to the Santa Monica Pier to enjoy the live band. To be honest I dont even know who was playing and I cant say that I even heard what they were playing. I was too busy enjoying my night out and chilling with some pretty cool people. I was really enjoying “Restoring my Temple” by taking time out for me.

No night out would be complete if I dont take my little buddy Dab the AIDS Bear with me and just like before Dab was the life of the party. The opportunity to share about my organization and the awesome and humbling opportunity to share about HIV and AIDS and how I am an Ambassador of Hope for Dab the AIDS Bear Project www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com Since being asked to be an Ambassador of Hope by the founder of the organization Dab Garner I have made more of an effort to be a role model, positive image for people who are infected with HIV or AIDS and I have also made a clear effort to talk about my HIV status, the hardships and struggles I have faced and will face as well as do my best to be a voice for the thousand if not millions who battle HIV and AIDS with no health care, like myself, no housing and very little support.

It was so cool to talk and share with them about the things I am doing in the effort to raise awareness and create a clear understanding for people who battle homelessness, HIV and AIDS. It so cool to see the funny pictures and make the funny jokes, but it is even cooler when the people I am sharing with also fully get and understand just how dramatically serious and real HIV and AIDS are. When the jokes and laughs stops it always so very cool and very refreshing to know that there are people who truly understand and are willing to talk and share open and honestly their knowledge, power, fear and hope for people who are infected and affected by HIV or AIDS

After a few pictures and laughs, the men folk headed back over to Dans and had so good old male bonding over some brews. The cool thing is that I think women think men have these manly things that we do and talk about when we hang out, but when you get right down to it, there is really no difference in male bonding and female bonding. We laugh at situations and people, share our hopes and dream, look at all the awesome guys and their great asses…….oh that was me. Sorry. We even share things about our parents and their sex lives. We you get right down to the nitty gritty we are just enjoying chilling out and loving the life that God has allowed us to lead.

We ended out night on Pico in Santa Monica at the Speak Easy, while it is nothing like it was way back in the day, it was so cool to go back inside and see how things have changed and even cooler to know that I was sharing it with some very cool people. This was the first time that Love Bear wasnt left out. After giving him and Dab a much needed bath and Dab was also in need of major head surgery and a face life from all the things he gets himself into.

The little Love Bear was giving to me shortly after I celebrated my first full year of the Do Something Saturday in Downtown LA with my friend Tina and Andy passing out Jumbo Jacks, Doughnuts and Do Something Kits to homeless people near Skid Row in Pershing Square. Love Bear came on Valentines Day as a gift from Kate who saw that I needed some things to help me make it through hoemlessness. He has always been on my Backpack and from day one he has been the official mascot of my organization. How sweet is it that Dab Garner also has a bear for his organization.

My night ended with hugs and kissed and saying good night to my friends Krystal and Patrick. I enjoyed a ride home from Kristin and Michael and some awesome conversation and I look forward to see them again. When I woke this morning I had two new friend requests and I smiles and thanked God for “One more time”

To learn more about Dab Garner and his awesome outreach to people with HIV and AIDS or to learn more about the Ambassador of Hope program and all the cool things that Dab Garner is doing for humanity please visit his website at www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com

To learn more and support my efforts to reach and help homeless people, low income families, children, seniors and people living with HIV or AIDS please visit my website at www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Krystal and Patrick I want to express for the bottom of my heart my many thanks for the friendship you two have extended to me. Thanks for your love and support for me and my organization. You both represent what is good in this country and on this planet. I am honored, humbled and blessed to call you my friends and my family. With all my heart I love you both.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you
In the palm of his hand.

~An Irish Blessing

Old Blogs from 2009 (June 1-27)

// May 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Taking a break. Not sure how long it will last

• Posted by Kengi on June 1, 2009 at 12:30am

I am taking a break from Project KengiKat, Youtube and FACEBOOK and I am not sure how long this break will be, but I do know that it is needed and required in order for me to keep growing and forward.

When I first started bloggin way back when I was a private chef it was very much all about ME. Where I was living, who I was cooking for and things that really served no real purpose. However when I moved back home and started caring for my Pops, my blog changed in so many ways. When Pops moved in with me in order to give Ma a break the blog was no longer what it started out to be. It was very much about watching someone I considered to be my Super Hero die right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help him.

Homeless came and once again the blog changed. Do Something Saturday was started and the blog was about community work and building awareness for issues that homeless people face day by day. This was hard because I was already dealing with so much in my personal life with regards to Sickle Cell and Cancer and the fact that I had not told my Ma about homelessness. I hadnt even had a chance to morn the loss of my Pops

HIV came on April 3, 2008 and once again my life took a turn and I felt like I was drowning, sinking under water and no one was there to help me. Ma had gotten sicker and there was no way I was going to now tell her about homelessness and HIV, I would not do that to her. I continued to fight alone and do my best to get through all the crap in my life while doing my best to be of service to others just without excuse just like my parents had raised me to do.

I decided I would tell Ma, but that came too late, she passed away and I was unable to tell her and once again I had lost another Super Hero in my life and once again I felt so lost and alone. To this day I still havent had the time nor the space to fully cry, break down and let go of the two people who I lived for.

Throughout all the setbacks, heartache, many tears, long nights, fist fights, friends who walked away and people who talked shit about my and my organization I did all I could to keep giving back, keep trying to raise awareness, stay positive and do all I can to make things better for other people.

Even with my strong faith I had many nights where I wanted to kill myself, where I just wanted my life to be over, where one more tear who just too much to ask and another fight would simply beat me down. That night came on December before my 40th birthday when I tried to kill myself. I was so done with this life, so done with fighting for my health care and getting no place, so done with people talking shit about me and acting like I had done something so bad to them, I was tired of so called friends always letting me down and treating me like shit simply because I was homeless. So I tried to kill myself to end it all. I am so glad that God would not allow me to do this. So glad that he said “NO LOUIS, you have work to do”

I am never going to read that page again, never will I allow people and situations to have the power over me that would cause me to want to destroy the awesome man that my parents gave birth to and the great man God is molding me into. I really hope people enjoyed it, because it was the last time I would allow them to take a piece of me.

Today the organization I started with nothing while I was homeless is now in its second year and going strong, it is loved and respected by many and does an outstanding job serving the homeless community and people living with HIV and AIDS. There isnt a day that I am not doing something, not a day where I am not being of service and at least trying to find way to be of service. 365 days from sun up to far past sun down I am giving so much of myself to do all I can to make things better for others

With all the stress I am under my body is doing a great job defending itself against the HIV, my Sickle Cell does give me more problems and the cancer is going very well too, but people in my life are causing me to break down and question things, so it is time for me to take a break, not from my community work, but from things like my blog, vlog and facebook.

This is very hard for me because all three are so very much important to me and are such a huge part of my life and a major part of my organization, but I am taking a break to get away from things that are bothering me and causing me some concern. Before I would simply last out, but that isnt the person I am any more nor is it the man I want to be.

While I am away I will monitor the blog, vlog and facebook, but will not be doing any posting of any kind. Also no one will be in charge while I am away. I also will not be returning emails or comments to my blog email, youtube or facebok. If you want to keep up with my community work please visit the website.

I want to express my heartfelt thanks and deepest appreciation to all of you who have stood with me and have reached out to me and embrace me, ALL of me, not just parts that you feel you can be safe with, but all of me without conditions

Many thanks to all who have supported my efforts through your donations. I will never forget anything you’ve done. That really says so much about who you are when you go far beyond talking about what you want to do and stepping up and doing it

I have so many fires to put out as far as my community work goes, Judy is upset and thinks she has done something to to cause Courtney not to write here anymore. Several people said they would support the first HIV Outreach and then backed out leaving me holding the bag and to clean up a mess they created and then the personal attacks have really taken a toll on me and I need some time away from the very places I love so much and for me this is very hard

I know God will lead me through it and I will come through this far better then when I went in and things that need to be removed will be handled. People who are real will stand and those that were here in my life for the wrong reasons will leave.

Thanks for all your love and support and please know that I will be monitoring the network whole I am away. I hope you guys are safe and doing well.

My Week Off “Life Changing”

• Posted by Kengi on June 8, 2009 at 5:24am

Last week I made the CHOICE that I needed to take a break from the internet, not from my community work, but from the internet. There were many reasons why I feel I needed to make the CHOICE for myself. At the end of the day I am glad I made the CHOICE to step away to take some time for me.

Even though I took time off from the internet for the most part I did not take time off from my community work. Having time off from blogging, vlogging and posting on FACEBOOK gave me more time to spend on things for myself as well as work even harder on my community work. CHOICE rocks.

Monday morning was pretty quiet for me. I had to get up and head to the doctor and then I had to make certain that I had all my paperwork in order for a medical appointment that I had on Tuesday. Monday afternoon I I went out to talk to two homeless men down at Santa Monica Beach after I got a call from someone who told me that these two men needed some hygiene items. So I put some Do Something Kits together and jumped on my bike.

I am never really shocked at who I meet when I do outreaches and this was no exception. The two men were pretty much kids both of them are 20 years old and both men are gay. One is HIV positive and both have been cut off by their families. They came to California because they were told that there are plenty of services here to support them. They were also told they could stay with some “friends” when they arrived. Much of this was untrue, the part that they could stay with “friends” was very untrue. It’s funny how people will say you can stay with them as long as you have sex and do what they want you to do. I guess I should clarify this by saying gay men.

I was able to provide the guys with hygiene items as well as provide them with an HIV LA guide since one of them is HIV positive and is in need of HIV care. Since he has no health insurance his choices for health care are very limited and the system is very strapped. However I was able to help them make the CHOICE of what works best for them both. There was plenty that went into helping them make this CHOICE, but transportation was at the top of the list. I told them about Common Ground in Santa Monica which is the only comprehensive HIV and AIDS care center on the Westside. They were already aware of OPCC and Saint Joseph Center and expressed how they didnt feel these were the best place for them because they felt as if they were not treated like “humans” and they didnt feel like the person they spoke to “wasnt very helpful and didnt seem to care” This also didnt surprise me given that I had to turn to these two places while I was homeless, however I never even bothered to reach out to them when I became HIV positive because I had already experienced the kind of help they had for when before I was HIV positive. I knew being HIV positive would only cause them to treat me far worse.

The guys have some cash so I told them about the International Hostel on 2nd Street in Santa Monica. I also gave them information on HIV support groups. Through Common Ground they were able to find a support group in Santa Monica, were able to get help with getting food and currently they are working on getting food stamps through DPSS. I was also able to provide both me with FREE prepaid cell phones with 30 minutes on each phone through my “Stay-n-Touch” cell phone outreach. I have spoken to them a few times and things are going well for them. They have been in LA for two months and they both told me that no one has taken the kind of time that I took with them and not made them feel like “scum” or treat them like a “snack”

Tuesday was a both up and down. First of all I had to go to another doctor to have them tell DPSS that I am HIV positive and how long it would last. I think it is just a shame that I have to once again go to another doctors office, other then my own, to have an entire group of people have access and know my personal medical information simply because I am poor and totally dependent on the County and State to help me through the tough time in my life. However not doing what is requires, no matter how wrong I feel it is I must comply with it because I have no CHOICE at this time. However this isnt to say that one day other people who will go through the same things as myself will not have a CHOICE in the matter and I will fight with everything I have inside of me to make sure they do have a CHOICE in who gets to know, see and view their personal medical information.

Tuesday evening was once again a night for ME. After going to see this so called doctor I learned that HIV is considered a “temporary disability” that does expire. Well I really cant say that I learned this because Harbor ucla medical center made me fully aware of this when they entered it into the computer as a 30 day temporary disability. So after seeing this “doctor” I did learn that this time around my “temporary disability” will expire 10 days before my 41st birthday.

Being HIV positive comes with some much crap and people with HIV or AIDS already have so much to deal with, so much to work through and so many people that they have to consider sharing their status with. Adding things like government agencies and all the crap that goes with this only creates more stress and hardships on people who are already suffering enough. Like homelessness that is filled with “negative touch”, being HIV positive is also filled with “negative touch” and this becomes even greater when you are poor and or homeless. Needless to say I was a bit upset when I left the “doctors office” knowing that 10 days before my 41st birthday I would have to go through this all over again.

With tears falling down my face from the reminder that I am HIV positive and pretty much dont have any rights when it comes to my personal medical information, I have no rights with who gets to know my HIV status and I will have to deal with the crap again in December, but not just in December but for the rest of my life was a bit much for me. I know there are things I will have to deal with from being HIV positive, however ignorance from my government, stupidity of office workers and bullshit should not have to be things I must deal with. Being forced to see doctors that aren’t my own doctor and speak to people who are not medical professionals about my personal medical information is just wrong. The fact that someone could say “no” causing me to not have access to housing and or medical services is also wrong and creates undo stress that isn’t helpful toward my overall health and well being.

Tuesday was kick off night for Wine and Jazz at Hollywood and Highland and I so needed something to help me take my mind off the crap I just had to endure to try to get housing for myself. As many of you know I am a HUGE Jazz fan and I am not talking about that Kenny G crap that many try to pass off as Jazz. Nope I am talking the real Jazz that started it all. Dizzy, Vaughn and Armstrong. I was in for a real treat at Hollywood and Highland because Latin Jazz would kick off one of LA’s coolest weekly FREE Jazz concerts that happen through the Southern California that is sponsored by KJAZZ FM.

For those who don’t live in LA and aren’t familiar with Hollywood and Highland you might know it from the famed Kodak Theater that is the home to the Academy Awards~The Oscars. This is one of my favorite places to take in the many FREE Jazz concerts in LA for many reasons. One being the many places to get some great food and the fact that Hollywood and Highland is a very cool venue to host such an event. Besides the fact that Hollywood and Highland has the best line up for FREE Jazz concerts, the biggest reason I love to take in the concerts here is because fro $10 I can get two glassses of wine and a cheese box that support Project Angel Food.

Project Angel Food’s mission is to nourish the body and spirit of men, women and children affected by HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other life-threatening illnesses. Volunteers and staff cook and deliver free and nutritious meals prepared with love throughout Los Angeles County, acting out of a sense of urgency because hunger and illness do not wait. With a corps of 1,500 + dedicated volunteers, the agency provides more than 11,000 meals a week to 1,600 clients of all ages and backgrounds for whom a healthy meal, delivered with a warm smile, is truly lifesaving. Project Angel Food celebrates 20 years of service to the Greater Los Angeles community in 2009. See our video: The Work of Project Angel Food Wine, Jazz & Moonlight at Hollywood & Highland Center.

Tuesday evenings in June, July and August 2009 from 7-9pm in the Central Courtyard
Join Hollywood & Highland Center and KJAZZ 88.1 FM for the 6th annual Wine, Jazz & Moonlight series. Enjoy free concerts by some of the country’s top jazz performers every Tuesday from 7 to 9pm in the Central Courtyard of Hollywood & Highland Center. The event is FREE to the public and a wine tasting donation of $10 to Project Angel Food gets you two glasses of wine and a box of cheese and crackers to enjoy during the performance. Seating is limited, so show up early and use your Hollywood & Highland Center Elephant Card to enjoy discounts at retailers and restaurants throughout the Center.

I was so happy to took this time to enjoy so some awesome Latin Jazz in one of the coolest places for FREE Jazz in LA. If you even happen to find yourself in LA during the summer you really need to make certain that you take in some of the awesome Free Jazz concerts here.

Wednesday was huge for outreaches and me. My day started with an outreach at 9:00AM in Los Angeles to someone with HIV who is living in a housing program. This person came to know me through my Project KengiKat on YOUTUBE and reached out to me to see if I could help him with a Life Kit and information on where he could get some services. Again I was able to offer the Life Kit and the HIV LA book. I also gave him the phone numbers of some people I trust at AIDS Project Los Angeles~APLA~, Being Alive and 5p21~my HIV clinic. I was also able to give him a McDonald’s gift card.

I also had to pick up my income vitrification from DPSS so I could turn in the paperwork that will lead to me getting my own apartment. Even though this process was slowed down by all parties involed other then myself, I am hoping it was fast enough for me to not miss the expiration date the LA Housing Authority places on their paperwork. Time will tell.

Wednesday afternoon I spent a few hours looking for Judy who has been roaming more then usual for several reasons. But finding her was yet another failed effort. I was however able to pass out 12 Do Something Kits, provide 11 McDonald’s gift cards and meet some pretty cool homeless people with some amazing stories. It was so cool to be able to meet them and share smiles with them.

By 4:30PM I was headed home from LA on my bike and already I had racked up some 96 miles since the start of my “break” and I was feeling great. By Wednesday I had also done 21 outreaches and that too felt awesome. Dab the AIDS Bear and LOV Bear were with me ever step of the way and that made my mid week so cool.

I also got two really cool packages from two amazing women on Project KengiKat. The first came from someone who is new to Project KengiKat. She has stepped up to help me with the task of being Judy’s penpal while my friend Courtney takes a break to deal with some things in her personal life, from which I am sure she will come through with flying colors because she is a child of the KING.

The boxes from Crystal was filled with some much sweetness for Judy and I can wait to see her face when she I am able to give it to her. Crystal also included a McDonald’s gift card and letter for Judy in addition to things like a hair brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo and so many other wonderful items that will be such a huge support to Judy and are sure to make her smile very big and bright.
The box also included a sweet card for me and condoms for the Unpluggin HIV outreach.

The next box came from someone whom I have come to love and care for so much. In fact she is very much like a sister to me. My friend Forah also sent a box that was filled with six amazing LIFE KITS which are part of the Unpluggin HIV outreach. She made three for women and three for men and these kits were unlike any I have ever received in the mail before. They were stuffed with all the items on the list for the LIFE KITS plus many more.

The bags were larger then the ones normally used for the Life and Do Something Kits and this was because they had a full towel and scarf in the bag and even the socks and beanies. The Life Kits were awesome and I was so surprised when I got the box and was more surprised when I saw what was inside.

Crystal and Forah, thank you so much for taking the time to do what you did and think of doing it for my organization. It is always so nice and so humbling to see that people are still willing to go above and beyond to try to “be of service” to people in need. It is also very nice to see people “be of their word” and follow through with what they say they are going to do. Recently I removed plenty of members from Project KengiKat who seem to think it is simply ok to say they will do something on my blog, vlog or facebook but then never do it. I dont have time nor the space in my life or on my blog, vlog or facebook for people like this. I certainly do not have a place for them in my organization.

Thursday was packed once again with outreaches to a low income family in Venice, a homeless outreach to Jason at Chess Park, Cell Phone outreach to a homeless man in West LA and Kick Start Meals feed 30 people lunches from Jack-n-the Box. By Thursday evening I needed to take my bike to Bikecrowave to make some repairs.

Bikercrowave is a do it yourself bike repair shop where you are able to put your bike up on a stand and learn to do the needed repairs yourself. Since I have had the TREK 6500 ZX Mountain Bike I have had to pay for one tune up at REI that was really a huge bust because many of the things that claimed to fix only got worse in a week or two. I’ve been to Bikecrowave twice to correct these things and twice to repair rear spokes that have broken from towing the Croozer Trailer. Each time I go to I am able to improve my repair skills and get a better understanding of how to better take care of my bike.

When I left Bikecrowave I was able to pass out my last two McDonald’s gift cards to two homeless people that were walking along Santa Monica Boulevard. I noticed that they had a a sign that said they were hungry and wanted some food. So I asked them if a gift card would be helpful to them. They said yes and I once again Kick Start Meals had taken care of the having access to food for someone who is homeless.

Friday morning I got up and headed to Marina Del Rey to help a homeless after someone called me to ask if I could provide them with information on housing and other services. When I spoke with him Thursday afternoon I was able to ask him if he needed a Do Something Kit. He told me yes and I also asked if he needed food. He said yes to this as well.

Before heading to the Maria I needed to head toward West LA to Jason a Do Something Kit, but he was late and we missed each other. However he was able to get in to DPSS and was able to get his food stamps as well as get vouchered into a hotel room for 14 days. I was also able to encourage him not to sleep the 14 days away and to male the best of the 14 days so he doesnt find that after 14 days he hasnt taken full advantage of the tools that are right in front of him. I will check with him on Wendnesday of next week to see how he is doing.

The guy in Maria has been here in LA for sometime and has been homeless for about three weeks. He came to work for someone as an artist but according to him the gig ended badly leaving him homeless here in Los Angeles. I did make him aware of services that did not work for me, but could very well for him, but I am not sure that he will take advantage of them. I say this because while speaking with him I heard lots of excuses and reasons why he didnt want to seek out avenues that could very well help him.

Some of his thinking and sayings sounded scripted and too much like the Landmark Forum and this didnt surprise me at all because they person who is helping him a Landmark person who also believes that the government has no right to collect taxes and since they cant collect taxes she is asking the government for all the money back plus interest on it. I know it’s a bunch of crap, but my goal was to do what I could to support the person who is homeless and that is what I tried to do. The rest is up to him to do the work it will take to pull himself through homelessness. Acting like, it isnt happening or thing you can someone cheat the system is the wrong way to go about doing it. It is the wrong way about doing anything.

Friday afternoon the plan to deliver 12 Life Kits to AIDS Project Los Angeles was a bust because time would not allow it and getting the person on the phone to confirm that I was in fact coming wasnt possible. The last time I went to deliver Life Kits to APLA without speaking with the person I drop them off to was also a bust. The person at the front desk is not able to take things from clients, so I had to peddle all the way back to the Westside with 22 Life Kits. Since I had plans to attend the rally for cuts to HIV and AIDS funding by the State of California, this wasnt an option for me. Plus after 4 unreturned phone calls I felt it would be best not to try to take the Life Kits to APLA only to not be able to drop them off. Since my case manager will not be available until Wednesday I will find another place to donate the LIFE KITS to.

Friday evening I had plans to attend the rally to protest the cuts to HIV and AIDS funding with my roommate Andy, but he backed out an hour before we were supposed to leaving me to go alone, which was fine because I was able to do the rally on my own schedule and not feel like I needed to be rushed to get back home.

I took the bus and ended up having to walk a few blocks because the streets were blocked off. When I reached the site where the rally took place right away my thought was “wow where are the people” The crowd was much smaller then I thought it would be given the fact that people are about to have access to care and life saving drugs taken away from them from the budget cuts that the State of California is proposing. In fact many cuts have already taken place, but people dont really seem to care. There is plenty of talk, but far less action and far less “protest”

For someone like me who is poor and very much dependent on all of the services that will see or get cuts causes some great concern and sounds so many alarms. So where are all the people who say they care and so they are all about protecting the rights for people who are HIV positive or have AIDS?

Prop 8 drew people out to the streets, thousands of people from all walks of life, gay and straight positive and negative for the subject of the right to marry, but something like the right to life doesnt even seem to be on the radar of many people. Even those in the gay community who yell and screen about gay marriage but are visibly absent when it comes to major funding cuts to HIV and AIDS care which will result in the loss of LIFE. My life and the lives of people who will be at stake is far greater, far more important and certainly worth far more effort then the right to marry.

I was able to take some pictures, speak with some people I know and make some videos of the event including one of me speaking with a case manager from Oasis. Please look for the videos on youtube this week.

Saturday was Do Something Saturday and once again I was able to do an outreach with Niambi at Chess Park on Santa Monica State Beach. This outreach was special for many reasons. I would be able to feed people through the Kick Start Meals outreach, provide a Do Something Kit, Jerry would receive $100 for the sale of his Jazz Man drawing, one of Niambi’s friend would supply socks and shirts for homeless people. I would also be able to provide three FREE cell phones to homeless people or low income people that will allow them to say connected to their world.

The cool thing about Chess Park is the fact that it was started by a Santa Monica native and his love for the game of chess. But he is also someone who doesnt feel the homeless people should not be allowed to use and enjoy the park. To many times cities make homeless people the scapegoat for the programs of a failing system that has really never worked and too often cities are targeting homeless people by making things far more difficult by baring them from parks, beaches and even libraries. Being homeless is very fast becoming against the law in this nation, while the people who do their best to help and serve the growing population are also finding themselves under fire from local police and city government.

Chess Park represents a mixture of homeless, low income, and wealthy people. Anyone from surfers, businessmen, seniors, families, children, teens, rich, poor and yes, HOMELESS people have come to love Chess Park and it is such a huge honor to be able to serve the homeless community there.

Saturday we were able to serve a meal of Spaghetti, Salad and French Bread with water to about 40 people. We were also able to provide 24 pairs of new socks and two Do Something Kits to those in need. Salenas and her daughter were also there to pick up a hygiene, cell phone and new shirts.

Selenas shared the awesome news of her family moving from a two bedroom apartment on 20th and Pico to a much nicer and newer three bedroom two story apartment on 5th and Wilshire also in Santa Monica. Her daughter still remains on the honor role at Santa Monica High School and has plenty of offers to travel as an exchange student. I was able to speak with and video their visit to Chess Park. Please look for the video this week on Project KengiKat.

Sunday was yet another awesome day for outreaches and being of service. It was also another day that I would spend time looking for Judy that would end with me not finding her. It was also a day where I was able to do outreaches through Do Something Saturday, Unpluggin HIV, Kick Start Meals and Stay-n-Touch.

Today I passed out 15 McDonald’s gift cards, 4 Do Somehting Kits, 4 Life Kits and provided one hair cut, however I was not able to find Judy and this really put a down side to my day. I spent about 2 hours circling and looking for her, but I was unable to find her. What I did notice were what looked like carts of things that are piled high with items that could have been items of homeless people. But no Judy nor any sign of her carts either.

My day came to an abrupt end when I flipped my Croozer Trailer and it pinned my leg between the bike tailer. It was very painful and the swelling and stiffness started almost right away. Thankfully Andy was home and able to come pick me up and bring me back home.

While driving toward the freeway down Fairfax I saw one of Judy’s shopping carts, but parked near Park La Brea, but no sign of Judy. I wanted to go home get some ice on my leg and something to eat and then head back out, but the pain and swelling on my leg prevented this, so I will have to start the mission to find Judy on Monday. I simply will not give up until I know she is ok. What concerns me is the area where I saw her one cart is so far from where she normally is, so I cant help be concerned that someone may have taken her cart from her or that she she roaming because the police told her she could no longer sit at the bus stop and another homeless woman who has some real metal issues as well as a huge drinking problem threw water on Judy and tipped her cart over. My scheduled bike ride on Monday will be to find Judy and give her the items provided for her by Crystal.

This past week would have been the week that I would have been gone on a bike ride for the Gay Lesbian Center ~AIDS LIFE CYCLE 8~ but after I was unable to get support for the ride from the very place sponsoring it, many of my friends were unwilling to support me in the ride because they felt it would be unfair if I would not be able to go on the ride if I fell short of the required $3000 goal I must raise in order to be part of something that is billed as “life changing” but I guess only people who are able to raise $3000 can be part of the “life change” that the AIDS LIFE CYCLE can give. The Gay and Lesbian didnt even bother to ask why I had pulled out nor did they thank me for what I was able to raise. As far as my HIV is concerned the Gay and Lesbian Center has been absolutely no support whatsoever. In fact one employee told me I needed to make a choice between Chemotherapy and keeping my first appointment with an HIV doctor in their clinic. For me there was no choice to make. I wasnt going to skip another Chemotherapy appointment like I had done in the past while I was trying to get housing from Skid Row Housing Corporation that later denied me the apartment I was approved for by the Los Angeles Housing Authority and one I had even seen and said I would accept.

This past week I accomplished more then I even could have by being part of the AIDS LIFE CYCLE, this past week I served far people then I even could by being part of the AIDS LIFE CYCLE, this past week I made people comfortable RIGHT NOW, not years from now. This past week I did what I have done for well over two years now and that is to put myself on the back burner and think of others before myself. I have made point to go the extra mile and then some, not for me or for the sake of changing my life, but the lives of people in need RIGHT NOW.

This past week I pushed harder, stayed up longer, thought longer, did more phone calls, more face to face meetings and it payed off because I refused to allow people and their ignorant, uneducated, backwoods, racist, bigoted, twisted, non-Christian thinking control me. I refused to believe that my heart and passion has changed simply because I am not crying in front of harbor ucla medical center, I refused to let so called “friends” who think women who have abortions are “careless” and “whores who go off all willy nilly having sex”,, The past week I saw first hand that with hard work, determination the favor of God I can do all things, I can move any mountain and I have the power to not only create my own “life changing” events that serve people RIGHT NOW and help to “change lives” RIGHT NOW and do not separate people, but includes all people equally regardless of how much money they can raise for a causes that wont ever serve people like myself who are very poor, homeless and suffering through things such as HIV, AIDS, CANCER, SICKLE CELL and many other life threatening things that need attention right now.

I return to my Project KengiKat (Blog and VLOG) and Facebook with a new understanding of my role as a leader with the ability to inspire people to do good the right reason and not for applause and recognition, but because it is the right thing to do. I return unconcerned with what people have to say about me or my community work, because the only thing that really matters is what I think of myself and what I do. I return with a clear understanding that not everyone who says “friend” is my friend and not everyone who donates to my outreach efforts does so for the right reasons. I return realizing that some people in my life need to be removed for reasons that arent personal toward them in any way, but part of my growth and walk with Christ.

I return knowing that what I have created IS already LIFE CHANGING, not just for me, but for those I seek to serve. I return knowing that no one will ever fully understand my passion, my care and what I have created or come to love and respect it as much as me because it is MINE, so it is up to me to continue to lead, shape and grow it and not pay any attention to those who seek to destroy of come against it.

I come back knowing something that I have always known, because it is how I was raised and what I have come to love and respect about myself and that is that I am an awesome person, a great friend and I have a great heart. I return with a more profound understanding of the fact that I have HIV, but it will not dictate who I am, what my opinions are, who and what I will stand up or speak up for. I will not force me into some box of “community” but keep me in step with HUMANITY. I have HIV and it will not rule my life, nor will I allow it to rule the way I live my life. I have HIV, but HIV does not have me.

I want to say thanks so much for all who sent kind messages, comments, emails and voice messages while I was away. I also want to thank you for allowing me to take a break without feeling like I needed to rush back, explain why or think that I some how have a low opinion of myself or feel sorry for myself because I have HIV, Cancer or Sickle Cell. I certainly dont give one thought to someone not liking me because of these things either.

I had a great week off and now I am looking froward to being back and absent when I need to be.

Dabs Night on the Town…Life in LA…..ROCKS

• Posted by Kengi on June 9, 2009 at 11:00pm

Last week I took a full week off from Project KengiKat, Facebook and Project KengiKat on Youtube. Since starting my community outreach to homeless people while I myself was homeless over 2 years ago on February 3, 2007 I have never taken any time off for me. Several family deaths and the lost of some pretty close friends in my life and still I havent missed a beat.

April, 3, 2008, still homeless I was diagnosed HIV positive and even this would not cause me to miss a beat. I kept my heart in the right place asked God to please let me keep my right mind and move forward. God did just that and right before Thanksgiving 2009 God placed me on the hearts of my friends Tina and Andrew and I was able to no longer be homeless on the streets.

I celebrated my 40th birthday with some amazing friends and the day after I celebrated once again with the some other awesome friends, homeless people who I have worked so hard to try to be of service to since I started.

April 3, 2009 I celebrated my one year anniversary of being HIV positive. This was a very hard year for me as far as health care is concerned. I spent over 9 months battling to get in to see my doctor at 5p21, my HIV clinic and even tried to get in to see a doctor at other clinics all with no luck. But God once again showed me his grace, mercy and favor and after 9 months of undue stress for a lousy health care system, DPSS terminating my benefits saying my needs were being met simply because two friends wanted to help me so I didnt have to live on the streets and after other “friends” walked away, I continued to keep my eyes forward and keep it pushin.

As part of my 2 year anniversary of the creation of my outreach I once again celebrated by having a month long outreach to homeless people, Shriners Hospital for Children, Child Care Center in Oakwood and so much more. I also started planing an outreach specifically for people living with HIV and AIDS who are either low income or homeless.

April 3, 2009 I launched not one, but two outreaches. Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive live which was designed to provided Life Kits~hygiene kits~, gently used clothes and meals to people battling HIV and AIDS. I also created Kengi’s Get Tested party which is a yearly outreach to encourage people to know their HIV status and provide support, education and empowerment for those who may learn they are HIV positive. Both outreaches were a complete success. I was able to deliver 31 Life Kits AIDS Project Los Angeles, gently used clothes to Common Ground in Santa Monica and over 20 people got tested for HIV.

I also learned that over 9 months of no medical care was no match for my body. My test results were in. Not only was I not a diabetic like the nursing supervisor hinted I was, but my T-cell had climbed and my viral load had dropped. My doctor said that I should thank my parents for great genetics because my body was doing great containing HIV on its own and I would not be starting or even needing HIV meds.

I left so happy and cried on the bus stop and cried even more when I got home, because once again God showed up and made a way out of no way for me. Once again I was determine to be a LIGHT for those in need and I began to find a way to grown my Unpluggin HIV outreach to monthly outreach in one location. After several weeks of trying and being told “no” I asked my former nurse at my HIV clinic and on May 29, 2009 Unpluggin HIV held its first monthly outreach to 5p21. The outreach will take place the last Friday of every month.

May 13, 2009 I was a guest speaker on a panel of experts for AIDS Project Los Angeles’s HIV Matters. I got to briefly share my experiences from homelessness, being HIV Positive and dealing with homophobia. The opportunity was awesome and my friends were all out in full force to cheer me on.

Still not resting I launched a new segment through Project KengiKat on YOUTUBE called “Conversations with Kengi” that has already interviewed someone who is such a huge inspiration and encouragement to me. I was also asked by Dab Garner, one of the first Americans diagnosed with what was then called GRID (HIV) to be an Ambassador of Hope for his Dab the AIDS Bear Project www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com

This evening was DABS first big LA party and man did we have fun. Andy got an invite to a party for a clothing company called AKADEMIKS taking place at a restaurant called SUR in West Hollywood. It was free and so were the drinks, so this was right up our alley. Hell, when is free never up someone’s alley?

Andy and I took the bus, since his girlfriend Tina was at work, it would be boys night out. The last time this took place was at the Pepsi launch party that was also in West Hollywood and we had a great time. Well tonight was no different. We had a great time.

The vibe was very different at this event. The crowd a the Pepsi launch party was far more festive and laid back, while this one was sort of stuffy and filled with “fancy people” Ya’ll know what Nana said about “fancy” and “fancy people” right?

The food was good even though Andy got a taste of what he calls “suffering”……meat, but not even this would kill out awesome night. The drinks were on hit, so after the second one I was feeling good. Unlike the Pepsi party, tonight we had a guest with us and he was such the little star.

He was turned down by some “fancy people” for pictures, but the night was young and we did find all the crazy, sexy, cool people at the event and they were more then happy to take a picture with Dab and I was even able to talk about my organization as well as Dab Garner and his awesome orgnaization.

Dab even led the way to speaking with someone who knows B. Scott and is also active in the HIV and AIDS arena. Her name was Nicole and she was very sweet and was happy to take a pic with Dab. She handed me her card and I am hoping to find a way to work with her that will help my organization be even greater service to homeless people and those living with HIV and AIDS.

The coolness of the night was the time I got to spend talking with a young couple about dating, sex, relationships, HIV and AIDS, condoms, safer sex and the possibility of maybe even having them both as guests on Conversations with Kengi. They too were happy to take a picture with Dab.

Dab even took pics with two studs at the party. I found them both very sexy, but you know I am a major sucker for a sweet smile and Kyle, I think his name was, flashed that smile and showed of those sexy white teeth. His buddy had that, “call me slick” look that was also very cool. Both guys gladly took a picture with Dab and Kyle even took a pic of Dab in the shopping bag.

Andrea was the last sexy lady Dab was able to take a picture with and she was the last person I had the chance to share Dab and his awesome organization and talk about mine. She is a youngster and says she is looking to do some volunteering.

By the end of the night Andy, Dab and I had a blast. We met some cool people, had some awesome drinks and Dab even tried on some clothes and had two drinks himself. LOL. Andy and I got gift bags, with jeans and a magazine in it. In all it was a great night and I am happy I was able to go and able to take my new little buddy Dab with me.

Tomorrow I have my day cut out for me. I need to find people to help with the Unpluggin HIV outreach at the end of the month at my HIV clinic at USC and I just got an email asking me to do what I could to create an Unpluggin HIV outreach at a building in the Downtown LA area that serves as housing for men and women with HIV and AIDS.

I love what God has allowed me to create, I love the people I work hard to serve and I love the amazing opportunity before me to simply “be of service” to those in need.

Dabs first night out was awesome and I got to spend it with him and my best friend Andy. It feels great to be back from my break.

ALL PICTURES ARE NOW ON FACEBOOK AND FLICKR

I Aint Going Out Like That

• Posted by Kengi on June 10, 2009 at 4:00pm

The possibility of my own place is once again slipping away and once again I will simply have to do my very best not to allow this to set me back, break me down and cause me to simply let go and give up.

The hardest thing for me through homelessness has been the feelings that someone else other than me is in control of my life. Someone else is calling the shots and making all the choices and can only sit by and do nothing other than all I am told to do. I many ways homelessness makes me think of slavery and how fucking hard it must have been for Blacks to hold on to the hope that one day things would not be the way they were.

April 3, 2008 HIV came into play and as I look and examine all that has taken place, it reminds me of how a slave was sold from one bad owner to another. HIV has not been easy for me at all, in fact it has been very fuckin hard. When I look and consider all the hardships that I have faced and had to deal with and I am not even on meds and many would consider me pretty healthy I can help but have great concern about how the new “master” will treat me once I begin meds.

Will the whip hurt as much? Will I cry as much as I do now? Will it eventually break me down to the point to where I feel my life is no longer worth it? Will I live a long life or will I die rather fast from all the beatings I must take from the medical world, DPSS, ASO’s as well as from the general world? Will I finally break down from all the stress from all of this?

If I had to simply think about ONLY and for me it is ONLY HIV, then I would be fine, but I have to worry and stress about who I must give my personal medical information to, who I might have to fist fight, what agency will remind me that I have HIV and make me feel like I am scum for being on the planet. I have to consider that I may not do well on the HIV drugs with my Sickle Cell, I may not even be able to get in to see the doctor after all the budget cuts, Black are still over 25 years ago and it isnt because of stigma or lack of education. It is because access for Blacks is far different then their White counterparts. I am not making this about race, I am just calling things the way they are. Furthermore, I cant make it about race since this country has done a damn good job clearly making it that way. I am just calling a spade a spade.

This week I learned that I was approved for my own apartment unlike the shit hole that I was offered and approved for from Skid Row Housing Corporation, but the master Erving Munroe dont like no mouthy nigger talking bout and standing up for himself. Who the fuck do I think I am? So he played like his ass was God and blocked it. Did APLA help me with this? Fuck no, they did nothing her then say “sorry Kengi, just hold on”

Now once again things are falling apart because my HIV doctor has refused to sign the paper from the Los Angeles Housing Authority saying it is “against the law” for him to state that HIV is a disability. By him not signing it this will cost me the apartment. This would not entitle me to anything other then housing, I cant use the form to get medi-cal, social security or any other benefit other then housing, so there is no reason for him not to fill the paper out the way it is required for me to get housing. Furthermore, Dr. Dube is fully aware of my situation with housing and today when he refused and then hung up in my face was a clear indication that he doesn’t give one rats ass about me or my HIV care.

So when I say I can not get excited about the prospect of gay marriage because my life is at stake I find it very hard to swallow when people say things like “you’re an asshole Kengi” You want my support on gay marriage but where the fuck is my support and the support for thousands of people who are about about to not have any access to life saving drugs under California budget cuts? Where are the crowds blocking traffic for the right to LIFE? Where are the candles and shed tears for those who are dying daily? Where is the whack job Perez Hilton on the facing people who will be dead? Too busy fighting for shit and marching for crap that means nothing when you are dead, means nothing when you are fighting for you life, means nothing when you are fighting for things like a laptop and digital camera on skid row, means nothing when you dont know where your next meal will come from. Where the fuck is all the “EMBRACE DIVERSITY” bullshit for people battling for their life?

I still refuse to give up and I still refuse to blame God for this crap. I will say that another hard blow like this will be a huge test for me, I huge mountain for me to move, and I may not bounce back as quick as before but with Christ I will bounce back and I will get through this. I refuse to give up on my life simply because some jack off seems to think my life isnt worth fighting for because I am Black, HIV positive and Gay. I refuse to put the right to marry ahead of the right to have access to health care and life saving drugs, I refuse to march into the sunset singing the the songs on my ancestors~We Shall Overcome~and quoting Dr. King when Blacks are being wiped off the planet in alarming numbers,because you refuse to see color and the fact that stigma and education may have some to do with the reason why, but access to services, ALL services is the bigger reason. When you refuse to see the “barriers to care” that are right in front of you…..maybe because you helped to created them and get paid to enforce them and create new ones that lead to death.

I refuse to be friends with, be associated with people who do not respect my right to life and will not left one finger to help people with HIV and AIDS live. This includes my so called “Christian Friends” who wont even show up when I ask for support for my Unpluggin HIV outreach, wont even mention my name or HIV when they speak about me or my organization, furthermore wont even mention my Unpluggin HIV outreach in anything they say about me. Yeah you can KICK ROCKS too just like the punk ass doctor of mine and any other punk ass that claims my heart isnt in the right place or my passion has changed.

I am not fighting for just my rights but for the rights of people just like me FIRST, before my own rights. It isnt to get some pat on the fucking back or have a bunch a silly ass cheer leaders not doing a damn thing to help anyone. This blog is to make you see what is going on, not for you to say, poor Kengi, but poor humanity that suffers at the hands of people who get paid damn well to treat us like shit and most do so in the name of Jesus. Just like I know Christ didnt call for my people to be enslaved, I also know he doesnt want anyone to sit by while lives are lost and then have it blamed on him.

I refuse to give up and I refused to be broke by people and health care system that is designed to not just break me down, but kill me and do so in the name of God, Good, Love and Light and seeing no color. This nigga aint going out like that and aint going out without a damn good fight so get em up.

HIV CARE…Why I no longer care to seek care….”that is against the law”

Since I was told I am HIV positive I’ve had a pretty bad time. Not from being sick and not from having to take HIV drugs. The hard time has come from all the programs, people, places and things I must deal with if I am to get things in order for myself.

From the very first day of being told I am HIV positive the information has been very inconsistent, very stressful and there have been times where I can do is cry because I dont know what is right and what I am to believe about HIV. I do know that HIV can lead to AIDS and AIDS does lead to death. I do know this.

Moreover I also know that HIV are only helping you manage death, some have the pleasure of great management while people like myself homeless and Black dont have the great management tools simply because we clearly dont count. I say this based on all that has happened since being told I am HIV positive, more the 90% of it has all been bad and more then 95% of it has been caused by people who are supposed to help someone like myself through this very difficult disease.

HIV alone is bad enough, add things like skid row, lack of housing, no medical insurance, a very poor at best support system and ASO’s who cater to people with money and insurance while providing what I call smoke and mirrors to the people who so desperately need services.

The entire time I have heard things like “HIV will be a blessing for you Kengi” “you’re ok there is no rush” “everything is fine Kengi, just be patient” “you’re very healthy, so there is no need to worry” But in my mind I am thinking “well if I am so damn healthy why do I need to be so stressed out? Why do I need to deal with seeing a doctor at all?” Since I am so healthy and doing great.

About a month ago I was told that I was once again approved for housing, but this time I didnt want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed away by a system that is set up to fail and cause more stress and hardships then it is worth. When I told people in my life no one believed I would get the place because they all have seen what I have had to deal with and go through from being homeless and HIV positive.

However just like before I did all I could and was required to do to get this apartment and jut like I was warned by so many people around me, the apartment that I am approved for and today was told has been set aside for me is now in the hands of some doctor who refuses to sign the form that is required for the Los Angeles Housing Authority saying that I am “healthy” and “do not need the shelter plus care program” However without the program I am homeless with no place to live, no way to stay clean and no place to shower. How can this be good for my HIV? How am I supposed to believe for one second that all the things I hear about great advances in care for people with HIV or AIDS apply to me?

So in my case, who do you reach out to for support? I am cased managed at AIDS Project Los Angeles. I bet they can help me with the problem cant they? Once again the answer is “Kengi there is nothing I can do” or “that is a county program and we cant help with that?”

So then what pray tell is the point in case management? To show me roads I cant walk on? To point me in directions with dead ends and then say “wow, I am sorry I had no idea.” What is the point? Please dont get me wrong, Tiana is awesome and I know she cares, but she cant do anything more then I can do for myself. She cant wave a magic case manager twinkle stick and things are all better. Tiana herslef will tell you that all road blocks, slow downs, turn downs, programs has been caused by so called people and programs that are in place to help, for lack of a better word. More like help stress me out and cause my shame from being HIV positive, more fear of death and far more concern for my life then anything else.

She will also tell you that I do all that I am supposed to do, I bear all the burdens of all that falls through, I am the one left standing with no services only to be told to start all over. I am the one who gets to the one yard line and then I must play the entire NCAA College football league as well as all NFL teams and then get shut out. I am the one left standing there with no service and no place to turn, but I am the one who is told. “It’s a process Kengi. You need to be patient”

Well it’s been over two years and no one can tell me how much more of the process I must endure, how many more times must I be left with nothing or how many more times some asshole will feel they need to feel like they are in charge by refusing service.

According to Dr. Dube and the Rand Schrader Clinic I do not have anything that would warrant me being qualified for housing through the shelter plus care program. Even though the housing specialist spoke with the administrator and explained the city program to him and still he refused. A paper they have signed in the past with no problem. But since I am stand up for myself there is no a problem. So lets teach this BOY a lesson about being so damn mouthy and deny his housing. Lets see how smart mouth he is then? Well here is a newsflash, YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME DOWN!!!!!

So why should I remain in care? Why should I even care about being HIV positive? Why should I even worry about it at all. According to Dr. Dube I am healthy and not in need of housing services. Since I am so healthy, when bother seeing him or any other doctor for that matter. Why not just wait and allow my HIV to become AIDS. I am Black and we all know that Blacks are filled with stigma the our lack of education is so far below everyone else that this is the reason HIV and AIDS is wiping us off the face of the earth.

Without housing my health will fail much quicker. The chance of me dropping out of HIV care a far greater, so why would a doctor who took the oath to first do no harm is so willing to put me in harms way. Why is a clinic who says they care for their patients and do all they can for them and claims to be the leader in HIV and AIDS care for minorities (Blacks) stand by and allow this to take place? Why should I trust that anyone would care for someone like me?

I am Black and I know racial discrimination when I experience it and I have experienced it more then one time at 5p21. I know lousy medical care when I experience it and I have experienced it more then one time at 5p21. I know discrimination because I am HIV positive and I am experiencing it right now in the form of housing discrimination at 5p21. So who will stand up for me? No one, because I am Black, poor and homeless. Three strikes I am out. So there is clearly no need for me to ever believe that any care or concern will be extended to me or people like me.

So where I am right now. Right now I am no longer concerned with knowing I am HIV positive. I will take every precaution to make sure I never infect others with HIV and I will work hard to change the STIGMA and LACK of EDUCATION of the people who are in place to help. Because it is my honest opinion that the medical community and as well as many service organizations are the main reason people dont go into care or fall out of care.

June 11, 2009 at 2:37PM I feel out of HIV Care. Not from stigma or education, but from access to care and services such as housing that will allow me to remain as healthy as I am now that were denied to me by 5p21 (The Rand Schrader Clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center) Dr. Michael Dube, Andres C. Martinez and Raquel B McHann, RN

This is why I fell out of care and why I feel HIV is something I wish I was never told until I was near death and why I will now not seek care until HIV becomes AIDS.

I find it interesting that Dr. Dube will say it is against the law for him to sign the form, but my first doctor there signed the form. There has been no real change in HIV condition, so why he nos says it is against the law is really rather puzzling to me. Furthermore isnt it against the law to give me a prescription for a pill I am only suppose to have four of, but then write the prescription that far exceeds this and tell me not to mention it. That is against the law too right?

Thanks for Being My 3 Tires

• Posted by Kengi on June 12, 2009 at 6:30pm

Dropping out of care is just stupid and the only person who gets hurt from dropping out of care is the person who is foolish enough to do it.

I have said this plenty of times and I am very sure I will say it again, being HIV positive has been a complete nightmare and the fact that it has been this way and I am not even on meds yet is very depressing and pretty sad.

My doctor at 5p21 and the administrator at 5p21 clearly do not understand the form that is required for me to get housing through the Los Angeles Housing Authority. The form does not entitle me to anything other then housing. I can not take this form and apply for SSDI or anything else, it only applies to housing. The form does not make me eligible for anything other then housing through the Los Angeles Housing Authority Shelter Plus Care Program through the City and County of Los Angeles. While Dr. Dube does not understand this form, it does not mean he isnt a great doctor, nor does it cause me to respect him any less. However his unwillingness to accept and at least try to under the form even after it was clearly explained to his administrator and in light of the many problems I have had with my care at 5p21, I can no longer trust him or the clinic with my HIV care and my LIFE. First Do No Harm should really mean something to someone other then me the patient.

I hope to continue my monthly Unpluggin HIV outreach there the last Friday of every month. That was very well received and welcomed bu the patients and staff. However this is something the clinic will have to welcome and fully understand.

Furthermore, let me be very clear my case manager at APLA has done all she can do, but she is just as limited as I am when it comes to dealing with all the red tape put in place by city and government agencies that dont seem to get any attention because they affect the poorest or less represented segment of society. People with no voice, will always get less representation and less things accomplished when there is no one or very few people working to make things better. My case manager is somoene who has been there for me when others have turned and walked away. She is someone who has worked very hard for me and I fully know this and fully appreciate this. Tiana you are a great case manager and I love all the work you have done for me and with me. I hope with all my heart you know this.

Moreover I need to be clear that my AIDS Treament Educator is awesome and I can turn to him as well and I know he will do all in his power to make things come out right. He too is someone I trust and have a huge amount of respect for. Even with all that is falling apart he is right there doing all he can to help me as best he can and I fully appreciate him and all he does. Brian I have said this to you before and I will say it again, you are someone I trust and someone I know will go the extra mile for me, I know this and I fully appreciate it.

Morris you havent been in my life very long, but you are someone who I love and respect. You have been like the missing link to the puzzle of HIV, you step in where Tiana and Brian cant. I can talk to you in ways I cant talk to Tiana because she is a woman and is not HIV positive, I can talk to you in ways I cant talk to Brian because you are Black and for me this means so much. Since our long time family friend Dennis passed and then my cousin Teddy passed after their battle with AIDS I have not had a Black gay male whom I could turn to for support. I havent had someone I could reach out to and have them fully understand. You too are someone I love and respect.

All three of you are very part of my support system and I am so blessed to have such an amazing collection of support from the three of you and I fully appreciate ALL that you have done and are doing for me. I fully realize that each of you have so many other clients that you must take care of the provide service for, so if I have made you feel in any way that I do not appreciate all that you have done for me, please let me tell you that I do appreciate it and I will not ever forget it. The three of you are like the tires that complete the wheels on this car and without those tires things fall apart.

So when I say things about ASO’s it isnt intended to make what you have done not just for me, but for all you serve meaningless or shallow, but to ask that people around you raise there level of care and compassion for the people they serve to your level. It is to challenge those who must step into your shoes from time to time to make certain they do so with the same care and compassion that you three do. It is to point out that when you hand things off to others to serve people they should do so in the same manner as you have done in order to keep things moving and not allow things like “my case load is too heavy” to prevent them for doing all they can regardless of how heavy the load is. It is to remind people that no matter how heavy the load is, that people like me have loads that are very heavy and when adding things like people who say “my case load is too heavy” only serves to make my load much more heavy.

If Tiana must take a break for whatever reason, then someone must step into her shoes who has the same compassion, care and RESPECT for her client and her job. If Brian must take a break for whatever reason, someone must do the same for him, Morris, someone must step in and the last thing someone like me want to hear is “I have a heavy case load”

For me what this translates to is “I cant help you right now” or the three awesome tires I had on my car are now square rims that have dug into the pavement and I am left to do all I can to carry the already heavy load I must carry, plus that of the awesome team I had that has been replaced with people who start with “my case load is too heavy”

If I could take all the good that I know is in people like you three and others from other ASO’s I would be able to create an ASO that does just that. SERVICE.

Brian thanks for all you work in helping me get things on the right track to secure this apartment, thanks for not telling me your case load is too heavy or making me feel like I have some how disturbed you in any way. You are my friend and I love you Brian and respect the awesome hard work you do. Brian it was YOU who was there when my Ma passed. YOU showed up when friends walked away. YOU helped me hold on. YOU were the light when there was nothing but darkness all around me. When I reached my weakest point YOU showed up and helped me get through it. You didnt tell me how wrong I was, didnt make me feel any worse then I already felt, you let me make my mistakes and man I know I have made plenty and will make plenty more, but it was YOU and has been YOU who stands with me and simply says “Kengi lets move forward from here” YOU believed in me when others called me a joke. YOU made a way when others didnt even bother to call me back. YOU asked me to speak when most dont feel I have anything worth listening to. You believe in me when others call me and my thinking “backwards” and “stupid” You were there when I needed someone the most, whne my life could have gone so bad so south YOU showed up and pointed me in the right direction and I love you more then you will ever know and respect you so much more then that.

Tiana, thank you as well for all the hard work you have done for me in order to secure this housing for me. I know you are doing all you can to make things work out. I know this. I know that you care about me, not just as a client, but as a human being who deserves fair treatment. I know you care and I know how busy you are and you always make time for me and you never have turned me away. Like Brian you have never once said how heavy your case load is or made me feel like I am bothering you. You already know I know you and I know you love me as well because you show it. Tiana is was you who listened when I said I cant go there because I will fight. It was you who understood when I fell down flat on my damn face and you helped me back up without judgment of shame. It was you who stood guard and covered me while I cried my eyes out and felt I had nothing left to live for. YOU SAID “Kengi keep it pushing” You were my underground railroad, you were strong when I was weak. YOU remembered my birthday, YOU made me feel like I can get through this even when things went wrong YOU worked you ass off to put other things in place. You let me cry when I needed to cry, you supported me when I made a bad choice and did not walk away. YOU held me and told me I could get through this. YOU loved me and cared for me far more then just a client, but as a HUMAN had fallen and was about to simply give up. YOU refused to let me lay there and not get back up. I know this T and I love you for it. Please know this.

Morris, you are like my big brother, someone I love with my whole heart and you are always right there to let me yell, screem, vent and be angry and you dont make me feel like I am crazy or that I have some how done something to cause you to not want to help you. You help me talk through things, laugh when I need to laugh and let me cry and break down when I need to do that as well and I can do so knowing that I will not be judged or looked down upon in any way. I know you will move heaven and hell to try to support me as best you can. YOU listen at night when I am so frustrated, you answer me when I have questions about care and support. YOU are my friend when there are no other people to call. YOU are the ONLY BROTHA in my life that I love, admire, respect and trust. When I learned that you were sick my heart sank and I didnt ask God to let you hang out for me, but I begged him to give you peace and comfort. Morris if I could go through what you are about to I would do it in a heartbeat.

I love and respect all three of you guys, please know this, so when I blogged about ASO’s and the services they offer I am not attacking or calling into question the truly amazing work YOU three do not just for me, but for so many others.

I have blogged and forgotten to point out the good that is withing AIDS Project Los Angeles and there three are what I view as good……AWESOME at AIDS Project Los Angeles and I want to be very clear about this. Tiana, Brian and Morris are my friends and they do great work and are working very hard for ME and others and they work for AIDS Project Los Angeles, just like my friends Krista and Elise and I am blessed to have them on my friends list on this blog, facebook and in my real life.

I just think it is very important and only fair that I make this very clear to all who read this blog. While I may and many times do raise questions with ASO’s and Missions, Shelters and HIV Clinics there are some great people that do great jobs within each of these places and they deserve my respect and yours for the very hard jobs they do so well.

Tiana, Brian and Morris, thanks for being my three “tires” for my car. In over two years of homelessness and over a year of being HIV positive I cant say that there are anyone in any services organization, ASO or other wise that I respect and care for and I am happy to call me friends more then you three. There certainly isnt anyone who has stood with me like you three have. I am honored, blessed and humbled to have each of you in my life.

I am very sorry if my words on this blog have hurt my three friends on any level in any way. Please accept my deepest apology.

I love you

Kengi

PS: To my loyal readers, I am sorry but pictures would take away from what I am saying here. My heart needed to have center stage this time.

Conquer the Land, Love for Judy, Loss of Life and One Life Hanging in the Balance….My Heart is so Heavy

• Posted by Kengi on June 16, 2009 at 3:30pm

I ‘ve been making a huge effort to keep myself very busy, so I will not think about the fact that I have seen an apartment and I love it. Plus that I have been approved for the apartment but may not get it because my former doctor did not understand the form he is required to sign in order for me to get it. Furthermore even after the form was explained to him and his administrator he still refused to sign the form even though this means I will not get housing. To be very honest this has been very streeful and has caused headaches, tears and severe diarrhea as well as loss of sleep.

Friday didn’t start so well, after speaking with someone about my current situation I only got way more frustrated and was made to feel like this is some how my fault and what was even worse I was made to feel like I think I am the only person who is needing help. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but it upset me just the same. While sitting in the truck with my best friend Andrew I nearly broke down, but I refused to allow this to happen. I corked this feelings and talked with Andrew about what my options were. Andrew and Tina are always there for me when I need to think and talk things through, however they really can only provide basic answers and ask the very same questions I find myself asking all the time. “Now what do you do?” or “What is the point of having them in place?” In fact they aren’t the only ones on my life who ask this and through my blog and vlog and from speaking to others in my situation they have learned that many people are dealing with the very same things as I am and not much is being done to correct it.

I wanted to go bike riding, but two things stopped me from doing this. The most important was the fact that I was very upset by the phone call and getting on my bike at the point could have been harmful to me. The second reason is that my ankle was swelling and getting on my bike would not be such a great idea for it. So instead I worked on my website and tried to contact people with regards to getting items donated for my outreaches.

People ask all the time where do I get the energy, will and drive to do what I do and besides the fact that God has given me this to do I can also look and see how many times things have not gone right in my current situation and know first hand what people might be feeling. So I guess you can say that road blocks, let downs and red tape created by a system that is not designed to help, but slow people down and prevent them from moving forward with their life. This is drive enough all by itself. My own hurt and pain, tears and disappointment motivates me to at least do all I can to make sure people dont have to go through what I been through and I am currently going through. In my heart I know I will not be able to take away much, if not any of the pain that people are facing as they deal with things like homelessness and HIV and AIDS, but I have to at least try and in my doing so I have learned that the very little I do to try to help people is far greater then what most agencies are willing to do for the people like me. This isnt to say that there arent good people doing all they can to make things better either, nor is this an attack on any of my friends. It’s simply the facts.

Saturday I got up early because I wanted to go out for a walk and I also needed to get some tires for my bike. I made a bowl of cheese grits and two eggs over easy. I then did some much needed work on my website-www.dosomethingsaturday.org and spoke to a few friends who had called to offer me some encouragement and support.

Dab the AIDS BEAR and I headed out on a mission to find some new tires for my TREK mountain bike. Since I’ve been towing the CROOZER Trailer the wear on tires that were already very old has been taking it’s toll on the old tires. Plus I have already had to replace two of the spokes on the rear wheel and it was suggested that I replace all the spokes given the the fact that I am pulling the trailer with such a heavy load many days of the week. The cool thing is that I am able to do this myself at a place called Bikecrowave in Santa Monica which is a do it yourself bike repair place that teaches you how to make your own repairs for a small free.

I had already spoken to the guys who help out at Bikecrowave and like I knew they would, thy suggested replacing my old tires as soon as I was able to do so. However they warned me against getting tires that dont have tread on them because I tow the trailer and sometimes I go off road while towing the trailer while doing my outreaches.

So I headed out and hit up some places trying to find a great set of tires. I was prepared to only get one tire in order to spend more on the back tire which was really in need of replacing. One side of the tire was starting to wear and some on the grips were about to rip away. I did some research online and had a general idea of what I wanted, then trick was finding what I found online in a retail store. This can be tricky, because sales people are trained to do just that. Make a sale and many times this isnt the best thing for the customer. Lucily for me I use to race BMX bikes as a kid and even as late as high school and a few years into college I was racing mountain bike. So I am fairly aware of what I need and what I clearly dont need.

I went to Performance Bike Shop where the guy tried to get me to purchase a tire for over $100.00 after I told him what I was looking for and what my budget was for two tires. Spending over $100.00 on one tire would not only be foolish, but it would cost more then any clothes and shoes I now have. After I asked the sales guy for the less expensive tires he simply pointed them out to me and walked away. So I walked out and headed to Bikecology in the Marina.

I got my first time trial bike at this place when I was a first year sophomore at Santa Monica High School-Samohi. This store too was all about the sale and paid no attention to what I asked for, furthermore, they were not very helpful at all, so I wasn’t there very long. “Thanks for browsing” was what I head as I left the store. “Kick Rocks” was my reply.

Now Manny’s in Venice is most times a great place to get a new bike, even a used one as well as great service and supplies for bikes. It was Manny’s that provided with the large bike basket that was on my third beach cruiser that was used for my bike outreach way back in 2007 when I started my outreach. That bike was later stolen while I slept on the beach in Santa Monica when I was homeless. The lock provided very little security for someone who clearly needed that bike more then me.

Manny’s was great once again and they knew the tire I was talking about as well. However they didnt have them in stock, but were willing to order them for me, but that would take up to 5 days before they came in. After I told them what I do with the bike they suggested against getting tires with tread on them. Something Performance and Bikecology said would be better for me and what I do. Manny’s warned that this would not be a smart move for me and not a very wise buy either. I hung out there a a while talking with the guys about how the outreach has grown and how I have been. It was cool to see the guys and have the chance to speak with them again.

My last stop was Helen’s Cycles in Santa Monica. This place a staple in the city of Santa Monica. I got my very first bike there and have purchased many bikes since then at Helen’s. The staff has always been awesome and the repair department is great too. Again, Helen’s didnt have what I wanted and the staff person who was helping me clearly thought he was smarter then me, because he tried to get me to buy a tubeless tire for about $90 and then another tire for about $70. However when I quizzed him on the two tires he really didnt know much about them. I asked for the cheaper tires and unlike Performance he did walk me over to them and continued helping me. SWEET!!!

I made the choice to buy two tires for $29.99 each. I picked these tires because they will not wear down as quick as the so called high performance tires and for what I do these tires are the best choice and the price was also right. I got a front and back tire and headed toward the register.

Once there I bumped into Sherrie, she is a manager there and has also agreed to be a guest interview on the Conversations with Kengi segment on Project KengiKat. I met her the very first day I went into Helen’s to get lights for my bike and unlike people at REI, she was very helpful and made certain that what she was recommending was really going to work for me and what I do. She clearly was not trying to get me to buy a light based on price, but based on what I do. It was great seeing her and once again she was very helpful and even offered a discount for the tires bringing the price down to $23.99. SWEET. Please look for her interview coming up very soon on Project KengiKat.

While out on the adventure with Dab to find the tires, I got a call from this guy Christian from Conquer the Land. He and his buddy Miles are going -already left-on an adventure to discover and explore California from the to of the Golden State all the down to the bottom……….ON BIKES. Along they way they will talk with people and get them to share some life stories.

They are film students at Cal State Northridge and they said this is going to be a great way to get out of the valley and have some stories to share with there kids. Needless to say they will also get to experience the awesome State of California, her unmatched beauty, rich and diverse culture and history.
I met these two through youtube after they sent a video reply to one of my biking videos. I checked out their channel and loved what I saw and right away sent them a message asking them if I could interview them before they left. The guys said yes and we set up a time to meet on Saturday.

Once back home I got started changing the tires on my bike. Once I got the tires off I figured I might as well go ahead and clean the bike as well. I also knew that I needed to adjust my breaks as well. So for about 2 hours I replaced the tired, cleaned the gears and the bike and then adjusted the breaks once the tires were back on the bike. I did this in enough time to even get a bike ride in before the sunset.

Saturday was gay pride and some friends called and joked about me going with them, even though they know I have never been to a gay pride and last year was my first ever gay pride parade down in Long Beach and I must say I really dont have plans on going to another one. To be honest the parade was a huge bore and since I was homeless on the streets then, there was no way for me to afford the price of admission into the event. This past weekend was no different. I dont have the money to spend and even if I did I would not go because it dont see where it represents any part of my life. The fact that I am gay or even HIV positive is not reason enough for me to go to a pride. Plus the first parade was enough boredom to last me an entire life time.

Dab and I will up early, while my headache had gotten worse and not even Excedrin was helping with it, I knew I needed the extra time to make sure I was ready to meet the guys. Plus I was going to ask the guys to take three Do Something Kits along with them on their ride as well as ask them to take pics with DAB. I also wanted to take advantage of the huge opportunity in from of me to share my organization and the organization for which I am an Ambassador of Hope for-Dab the AIDS Bear Project.

Dab and I left at 9:15 biking to the Wilshire and Vermont METRO Station to get the Red Line train to North Hollywood. Even with not feeling my best and the fact that I am not on my bike as regualr as I use to be because my ankle will not allow me to do so, I made very good timing and was at the MERTO station in about 52 minutes. As soon as I got down on the lower platform the train was pulling in and I was on my way. Dab, Luv Bear and I took pictures and even made a quick video on the train.

When I got to the North Hollywood Station the guys were already there and set up and ready for the interview. They greet me with smiles and to my surprise they also asked if they could interview me for their documentary. How sweet was this?

Christian and Miles were very cool and pretty funny to. They have worked very hard and have a lot of support from people and a small bike shop in the valley called Cycle World. They had all their gear on their bikes and used the day get a ride in with all their gear on their bikes.

We did the interview and the guys then interview me. I at the end of the interview I asked them if they would take some Do Something Kits with them and present them to homeless people along the way. They said yes and the three kits I had prepared for them to take and the one I made to show them how to do it were theirs. In addition I asked them to take pictures with Dab the AIDS Bear and I asked if they would consider being part of the organization as well. They said yes to this too.

Please keep these guys in your thoughts and prayers as they have already embarked on a journey of a life time to share the stories and awesome views from the great Golden State….California. You can also read their blog and watch their videos at www.conquertheland.com I will keep in touch with them as Dab Garner has agreed to allow the young men to be Ambassadors of Hope for Dab the AIDS Bear Project. I will present the bears to the guys when they come through Santa Monica.

I headed back down into the train, but right away I began thinking of Judy and how I needed to find her TODAY. I was not going home until I found her. So I got off the train at Hollywood and Vine and rode my bike towards CBS to start looking for her.

The last time I went out to look for Judy a noticed how there were plenty of cards filled with things that use to belong to homeless people, even places where I knew a few homeless people they were no longer there and no one had seen them either. Even small cafes and shops that knew of Judy and were also worried about her found it odd that she had gone missing. This was way out of the ordinary for Judy.

I met Judy over 2 years ago when I was doing a spur of the moment outreach with my good friend Christina. We found Judy and Dickie and a few other women in an alley in the Fairfax district. One of the woman had just used the restroom of herself because there was no place for you to use the restroom and since she is homeless the local eateries in the area would not allow her to use the their restrooms. Even if she had money to pay for something. This came as no shock to me, because I had already experienced using the restroom in my pants because there was simply no place to go. Being homeless is hard enough, but being homeless with shit and piss on your clothes is worse. Please dont think you can simply walk into any laundromat and clean your clothes either. Myself and many others have been refused entrance to such places because we are homeless. One place in Santa Monica told me I could not wash clothes because this wasnt a place for “dirty, dirty clothes”

Christina knew a little bit about what people were going through. She grew up in the roughest part of Cleveland and even lived in a place with no basic accommodations. She also once told how her mother stayed in a homeless shelter, so she was and is no stranger to the struggles and hardships that homeless people must face daily. She was also very aware of how homeless people are treated. Not only was she aware, but she had already seen just how bad people had treated me. She had seen me break down and cry and be so ready to just give up, but like always she was right there when I needed her most. Giving her last and even sleeping on the floor sometimes so I could have a bed to sleep in. “Friends” are a dime a dozen, but someone who truly knows what the meaning of the word “friend” is and fully does their very best to help are far and few between. I am so blessed to know Christina and I am happy to call her friend and know that she will move heaven and earth to try to work things out not just for me, but for people she feels really need some help.

This day I would look for Judy for a few hours and right as I was about to take a break to get some water and a bit to eat I saw her basket. I slammed on my breaks right away and then jumped the curb and turned around. Looking to make sure I would make it across traffic I made a bee line for her cart, but she wasnt any place in sight. I pulled next to the cart to see it she would some how come out and see that it was me, but I didnt see Judy. I ride my bike into the Jack-in the-Box parking lot to look to see if she was inside. But I didnt see her. I got off and walked inside and still I didnt see her, but just as I turned to walk out the door I saw the back of her head. I walked around the and noticed that she was sleeping. She had an Iced Tea and was writing a letter. I let her sleep and went back out to lock my bike up.

I walked back in and order her something to eat. I asked the manager how long had she been sitting there. Since he knew me from the community work I do in the area he told me she had been there since about 7:30AM. I asked him if she had eaten and he said no she just ordered Iced Tea and sat there quietly.

“She doesnt bother anyone and she is very clean. She buys a drink or coffee and doesnt make a mess in the restroom. I know she cleans up in there when she comes in the morning, but she never leaves a mess, so we dont say much to her. She is a very nice lady.” he explained and then he asked what my name was.

“I am Kengi, I’ve been in a few times buying the Jumbo Jacks and Chicken Sandwiches. The last time I was in you three in fries free of charge. Her name is Judy and she is one of the people I do my best to support whenever I can. One of the lunches was for her.”

“Yeah, I remember we all though how nice that was that you take the time to do this for people. We get lots of homeless people in here, some are very mean and rude to us, but for the most part they are very kind like your friend Judy, so we dont mind if they sit here. Why dont you just have a seat and I will bring your meal out to the table.”

“Thanks very much” I said

I walked back over and Judy had opened her eyes to check on her shopping cart. I could tell from looking at her that she hadnt been getting much sleep and not getting sleep can really start to play tricks on you and take it’s toll on all areas of your body and mind.

I walked over and gently said her name and when she turned toward me her sleeping blue eyes opened so wide and she smiled so big and leaped out of her seat calling my name “Oh Kengi!!!! Kengi!!!” she grabbed me and hugged me so tight and she then she said “I thought I would never see you again. I was so sad, but I cant be in that area because it not safe.”

“I understand. I am here now. So lets not worry about that anymore ok? How are you doing?”

Judy had tears on her eyes and she began to tell me that her other basket had been stolen. This was the basket that had many of her papers in it and most of her clothes. The bras and panties she had just gotten from Krystal and Patrick had been taken to. She was completely out of all hygiene items and her face was a bit dirty. I had never seen Judy look this bad before. When I saw the tears in her eyes my heart sank.

Judy was holding my hand so tight I was starting to hurt and I had to convince her that I was not going to leave her and would stay as long as she needed me to. She then grabbed with both her hands and started telling me all that she had been through. My hand was really starting to hurt. I was already in some pain from my Sickle Cell and the tight grip she had on my had was really starting to cause a great deal on pain for me. People were starting to look over at us and since it was gay pride weekend the place was packed. One guy even walked over to ask me if I needed him to call the police. I told him no and asked him to move away. I go Judy to calm down and return to her seat. I told her I had ordered her some food and it would be out soon. I reached into my backpack and took out the hand sanitizer and wipes I keep in there for myself. I handed them both to her and told her to take them into the bathroom and try to calm herself down. I assured her I would be right there when she returned and I would stay as long as she needed to me.

When Judy left the man walked back over to me and told me she was crazy and that I should be careful. He said she always yells at him and spits at him and always sees her talking to herself. In over two years that I have known Judy no one her ever said things like this about her and for me this really mad me upset. I know what it is like to have someone just flat out lie on me simply because I was homeless. I know what it is like to be thrown out of a place where I have paid for food only because some asshole has a problem with me being there. I also knew that Judy has never yelled nor has she ever spit at him.

“Sir I want you to move away from me and do not tell lies on her again. I have know this woman for a while now and what you are saying is not true and I do not appreciate you saying this about her.”

“Now you listen to me boy, this lady comes in here all the time bothering the people who work and eat here……”

After hearing him call me boy I went rather numb. I was already upset that he had lied on her, but now he had called me BOY and was telling more lies about her bothering the staff when I was just told how very nice she was.

“What the fuck did you just call me?” I asked him, this time facing him completely in right in his face.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know very damn well what the hell I am talking about. Dont you ever call me boy again. I strongly suggest you get your simple ass in that damn line, order your food, mind your fuckin business and stay the hell out of mine. Furthermore you better not continue to lie on my friend. If you are going to lie about something then lie about the fact that you brushed your teeth this morning and that you aren’t on full from all the liquor you have been drinking. Now get the hell out my face before I move you out my face.”

Judy walked out just as the manager walked up and told the guy he needed to leave. By this point other people had asked him to mind his business as well. Judy asked me what had happened and I told her nothing that everything was fine. The manager sat her lunch down and told her to have a seat and asked her if she wanted more Iced Tea. Judy smiled and said “Yes, please may I have more?”

I sat with Judy for a while and when I left to go get her things from that Crystal had sent her she was feeling much better and was feeling awesome. Before I left I asked the manager if it was ok for her to sit there and he told me yes. “Thank you for taking care of this for us. We think she is great and the way you calmed her down was very good. Are you a social worker?”

I laughed and told him no. I thought to myself that if I were a social worker I certainly would not give a damn about someone like Judy and since it was the weekend I sure as well would not be out looking for her either.

I jumped on my bike headed down to Wilshire and Fairfax, in the interst of time and not keeping Judy in a holding pattern I jumped on the 720 Rapid bus to get home far quicker. Once home I grabbed more water and packed Judy things into a plastic zip lock bags so that fit in my back pack far better then the large carry sack. I packed the sack in the smaller part to my backpack and headed back out to Judy.

After having three buses pass me by I decided to ride back to Judy. Since taking Wilshire can be a major trek I went down to Santa Monica and took it all the way traveling on Little Santa Monica then making the turn on Robertson to come up to 3rd taking that down to Fairfax where once again I made a turn to head to where I had left Judy.

Once I go back Judy was tired from sitting and we went for a small walk and then sat on a bus stop and we talked for a bit and Judy made a video with me. I can tell when Judy doenst get to talk much because he thoughts can sometimes go off to far away places, but today I was able to bring her back to the conversation pretty fast. There are times when I film Judy that I dont delete the video because it would cause far more harm to people like Judy then any good.

By the time I left Judy I was pretty exhausted and my joints were very sore and my headache had gotten far worse. So bad that my vision was pretty bad that I did not take the risk of biking the short distance back to Wilshire, so I took my time and I walked. I had to stop a few times because I felt like I was going to pass out a few times.

Once on the bus I fell asleep but the driver knew me and she was kind enough to stop, pull over and get out her seat to gently wake me up. She asked if I was ok and said I looked very tired. She even noticed that my ankle was very badly swollen. It was far worse then when I got on the bus and very painful to put pressure on. But I still had to walk a long block before I could get off the ankle. Rather then walk and suffer for about 10 minutes I jumped on my bike and only suffered for about two minutes.

I got home in enough time to watch the later game and listen to Bob Bowers on the POZIAM Radio show. It was so awesome to be able to hear Bob share his story that was very encouraging, inspirational and uplifting to me. I even called in to tell him how much people like him mean to people like me who are battling an entire different side to HIV and AIDS that goes ignored and unnoticed.

With HIV I was warmed not to use the internet by many people saying it would only cause me to have more concern and serve to confuse me, but in my case I have had more problems and far greater concern with the information or lack there of from places that are right here in my own community and nothing but great success from places like POZIAM and from hearing and reading the stories of other homeless people with HIV and AIDS that are dealing with many and some time far greater issues then then what I am dealing with. So when people try to make me feel like I am on the only one who has the issues that I’ve had or make me feel like I am the cause of them I can turn to countless blogs all over the internet both inside and outside the United States clearly saying and having the very same problems as I and far more and very little to nothing being done to correct them.

My day came to end rather sad when I learned that a little girl I use to mentor and she was also part of my Million $ Ghetto Photo project down in the Oakwood area of Venice had been killed by gun fire while she was visiting her father in Las Vegas. My heart just sank and my spirit got so heavy. I later got a call that my God Mother was very ill and was taken to the hospital. She is now in ICU on life support. She had wanted to come see me last week, but I had to tell her she could not come because I had to take care of things for this apartment I am jumping through hoops for.

This is very hard for me because when Ma called for me I could not come because I was too busy trying to get into housing and when I was ready to tell her what I was going through with being homeless and being HIV positive, she died the night before. She called for me and I failed to answer and that is something that eats me up inside daily. Now once again someone who has been like a second Ma to me has called for me and I wasnt able to be there and now she is on life support. I cant go see her because doing so will cause me miss an appointment for this apartment or new doctors appointments. I have called and spoken with the nurses and they are nice enough to tell her that I am calling.

My soul is heavy right now and my heart is much heavier, but I know God will make a way and no matter what the outcome I know it is whats best and I wont question it, but I will not for one second pretend like I am not hurt by it.

So Judy is safe and sound and I am so happy to know this, but I once again am wounded and will have to heal on my own. I know there are plenty of people who care and do reach out, but I am still very much alone in this world and that sometimes is the worst feeling there is.

Please keep my Big Mama in your prayers

Today is Tuesday and I am not in the best of moods. Big Mama has taken a turn for the worst and housing is slipping away once again. I am about to leave to take a warm jacket to Judy and head to Hollywood and Highland for Jazz. Tonight is Barbara Morrison. She was one of Ma’s favorites and Big Mama loves her to. I will blog once I am home about my day and where I am with housing. “starting over” will be the title of tonights blog

Death is never easy…..my faith MUST get me through this time

• Posted by Kengi on June 17, 2009 at 12:18am

Death is never easy to deal, even when you know it is coming, it’s still never easy to deal with. For me death has been a bit harder then normal because twice two people who have meant the world to me have called for me right before death and I wasnt there.

I moved back home from New York after Ma called and said she needed me to help her with Pops and I have to come home. My parents have had never asked me for anything and they gave me the world. I was free to do and travel as I pleased, so when I got that call I was more then happy to come home. After all that was my Pops, one of my three super heroes. Pops was always was so strong, always there for me when I was sick and as a kid with Sickle Cell I was sick almost all the time, but Pops and Ma were always there and so was Big Mama.

Soon after Pops passed I became homeless, all the money I had saved was gone from taking care of him and me. We were both very sick. Pops kept needing all these surgeries and then cancer came back for me and I too was in and out of the hospital. I never told Ma that I was running out of money. She too was worn down from caring for Pops and her health was starting to fail. Plus she was carrying all my siblings, they house notes and car payments, her and Pops were paying for private schools and all else, so I refused to put on more thing on Ma. Plus I never though homelessness would ever last as long as it has. Two weeks tops is what I thought, then one month passed and things were getting worse and I was getting sicker, but still I didnt tell Ma. In fact I told no one. I even lied about it to people who were coming to know me through the organization I had started.

April 3, 2008 I was diagnosed with HIV and my heart sank. I was already homeless and still had not come to term with the loss of Pops, plus 6 of my cousins had also passed and that wasnt easy for me as well. I was having more nasty fist fights then I had my entire life. I wanted so bad to tell Ma, I wanted to run to her and cry, but I would not be another child to let her down, cause her pain. I saw the look in her eyes when she spoke of my brothers and sisters ad I wasnt about to let my hero down. So I kept it all inside and it has really eaten away at me.

The day before Ma passed she called me and asked me to come see her, but there were things I needed to do first. I had to make sure all these fucking papers were signed and turned on and I had done all I could to get off the fucking streets. We talked for a while on the phone and I wanted again so damn bad to tell her, but when she told me that I was the only child they never had to worry about, the only one that was never in trouble, never needed to be bailed out from spending way more then I make, never letting them and how very proud she was of me, I again kept what I was going through to myself. I told Ma I was come see her the next day. I spoke to her later that evening she just told me she was tired and wanted take a nap. She told me she loved me and how proud she was of me. Before I could respond the charge on my cell phone died. That was the last time I spoke to her. She asked me to come and I was so fucking busy dealing with the bullshit of homeless and dicking around with with HIV shit that Ma passed and I didnt even get the chance to say I love you or goodbye. My second hero had left and what was once my safe harbor for all the hurt, evil and pain of this life no more, no longer there and my world was completely empty.

I’ve never felt so much pain, so much anger, so much hate, so much range, guilt and shame and it really consumed me. For the first time ever in my life I felt like I had nothing to live for. I had lived my life for my parents, they were all I really cared about and now they were gone and I wanted to be gone too. I was fucking homeless and HIV positive and things were not going right at all. Again, just like with Pops, my 6 cousins and now Ma, I would bottle this all up and do my best to not let it kill me.

Homelessness was teaching how to hate myself, how to hate myself for being gay and for being HIV positive. Homelessness was teaching me that the man I loved so much was stupid and not worth a damn. The man that was so loved by his parents was a huge failure and all that I had accomplished in my life meant nothing. I was “backwards” “stupid” a “fagot” and many other things I was starting to believe it. Yeah I was learning fast how to hate who I was and who my parents raised me to be. So called friends played key roles in this, even the people I had to turn to for help played their roles as well It got so bad I tried to kill myself, not once but twice. The first time I never even spoke of or blogged about until now. The second time I talked about, but for the most part I kept it to myself.

Two weeks ago my third and last hero called me, Big Mama wanted to set a time to see me. I have not seen her in a while and she really doesnt leave the house all the much anymore, so when she called and said she was coming down to Santa Monica to spend the day with me I was so excited, but the following week I had to once again jump through hoops for housing that I may not even get. I had to go pick up new paperwork for housing that Dr. Dube didnt fill out correctly and later he refused to sign the new paper, I also had to get new paperwork for my case manager to sign as well. I had to do this on Thursday, the very same day I was supposed to see my Big Mama. I had to call her and ask if we could do it this week.

She was very understanding. After Ma passed I told her what I didnt have the courage to tell Ma and it was her who made me feel better about it. It was on her lap that I cried for Ma and Pops and I tried so hard to let go of all the hurt and pain from the loss of my parents, but I know I didnt get it all out. I am far too afraid to let it all out. So afraid that I will break so far down that I wont recover from it.

I got a call today my Big Mama was in the ICU and was on life support and my heart sank. I wanted so bad to rush to the hospital but it is so far away and no way to get there by bus, so I prayed and asked God to give her rest and peace and I begged him to let her know that I was so sorry I had let her down by not being able to see her.

Today my very short meeting with my case manger was unlike any I had ever had with her. There was no smile, no how are you, no warmth. It was cold and very standoffish. She was distant and that didnt feel good at all. When I left I cried because I never wanted to be treated like I was today by a her. I never wanted the sting of case managers I had in the past. I tried very hard not to cry, but I did and as I walked back to the bus stop the tears fell down my face. Someone who has been in my corner since day one was now pissed at me and her face was like I had never seen it before. It was clear someone had said something to her about me and I aint no dumbass.

Tonight while I was at jazz at Hollywood and Highland I got a phone call telling me Big Mama had died. My last hero had left and once again, just like with Ma, I failed her and just like with Ma, I dont know that I will get over this. I walked into the bathroom and cried for I dont know how long. I walked to the train and cried more as I rode the train tot he 720 and cried on the bus. Not once did anyone ask if I was ok, no one even paid me any mind.

Once again homelessness and HIV have taken center stage in my life and prevented me from doing the right thing and once again someone I will never have the chance to hear speak to me ever again is now gone and I am left here with all the guilt and shame that I will have to simply have to get through. Once again my heart is so heavy it fills as if it will burst, my eyes cant even make enough tears and my head is pounding.

Once again my life is flipped on me and once again I will have to dig deep and get through this ALONE and not allow it to destroy me and to think that I may not even get the apartment because of things that were out of my control and then to have canceled my date with Big Mama for things that should have simply been done correct the fist time is just going to be very hard to deal with.

I can hear it now. “sorry Kengi, just hold on”

Another person I will have to bottle up and keep inside, the last person I could really trust with me very life and now I stand here ALONE with a broken heart and not much hope left, but I know God is a healer and he will heal this huge wound, this SINK HOLE of a life I now have. I have to believe this. Now more then ever I will turn to God, because he is truly all I have now, now more then ever I will need him to make it through this rough time in my life. Now more then ever, I will need my faith to carry me through this. My soul so beat down right now, my will is weak and my energy is very low, please keep me in your prayers.

My blog was supposed to be about starting over and now it is clearly about things ending. Friendships I thought were solid and someone who was very much like a second mother to me. All of the sudden the darkness has fallen on me once again and the storm has returned. I am so lost right now and my world is so damn empty. Yeah my faith will have to get me through this one, because my will is now broken.

Central Jazz Festival

• Posted by Kengi on June 19, 2009 at 8:57pm

Just a few pictures from Central Jazz Festival this past weekend.

From left to right. Councilwoman Jan Perry and Congresswoman Maxine Waters

Outreach Monday for people with HIV & AIDS

• Posted by Kengi on June 23, 2009 at 12:30pm

Monday was a pretty big day for my organization, I called it outreach Monday, but ow as I look at how my week is taking place I am thinking this will be one week where outreach will take place each day and for me that is such an awesome feeling. It will also help take my mind off things with the apartment that I have been approved for, but may not get and once again it this will not be because I didn’t do everything I was supposed to do, but “it’s a process Kengi, just hold on.”

I met Mary and Skyler Dorset and their awesome kids at the rally for Darfur that I attended after being made aware of what is taking place there by my friend Eric. Mary likes to bake and she is damn good at it. So since starting the Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS Mary and I have been working hard at finding ways I could use her sweets to support some pretty awesome people. Sunday it all came together. Mary had been a “baking fool” and this time around my organization would benefit from her skills in the kitchen.

Mary and I set a time to for her to drop off her sweets so I could use them for the outreach that took place on Monday, June 21, 2009 for Common Ground in Santa Monica. Common Ground is the only comprehensive care center for people living with HIV and AIDS on the West side of Los Angeles. More then 3360 people are HIV positive on the West side and Common Ground does an excellent job making sure they do all they can to serve them without excuse. Not only did Mary bring her awesome baked goods, but she also came with clothes, mainly coats and jackets that would also be used for the outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS.

Since we are on the subject on donations, lets talk about my buddy Michael, he too came through with some awesome donations of clothes for men. Saturday morning after going for a walk to get some pants and socks for myself….yeah something for me, I walked up the steps to find four bags filled with awesome clothes for men.

I met Michael through his wife Devra who is student in the Department of Social Work at USC..FIGHT ON!!! Devra and other students as well as Professor Mischel from the Department of Social Work have been awesome supporters and huge new assets to helping me serve people who are homeless through my Do Something Saturday outreach project, but they have also been a huge amount of support for my Unpluggin HIV outreach as well. Social Work student Grissel was the person who made me aware and even invited me to the rally to protest budget cuts for people with HIV and AIDS. She is very much on the front lines in the fight for one of the communities hardest hit by HIV and AIDS and I am proud to call her friend.

This is now the third donation of awesome items Michael and his wife Devra have provided to me for my outreach efforts and just like before, the things that were donated were awesome. Michael, thank you very much for your continued loyal support of my efforts to be of service for the people I try to serve. You and Devra are outstanding examples of what it means to give from the heart and to do so without so without expecting anything in return. I am so honored and proud to have you both as valued members of my core group of supports who truly and fully get what it means to be of service, who truly get what it means to simply do our best to stand in the gap and make things better for people who have less. Thank you so very much for your awesome donations.

Monday morning Dab the AIDS Bear and I were up watching the view, making Life Kits, packing the Croozer Bike Trailer as well as making certain my bike was ready for the HUGE day of outreach that would all be done on my TREK mountain bike, pulling the Croozer trailer loaded with donations for people living with HIV and AIDS. 11:30AM Dab and I were on the road headed to Common Ground in Santa Monica to help support people with HIV and AIDS.

Towing about 60 pounds I arrived at Common Ground in Santa Monica about 21 minutes and once I get there I see someone I know very well, but was unaware he is HIV positive. He is someone I have supported for about a year through my Do Something Saturday outreach project. When we saw each other right away we both smiled and said hello.

“Kengi, man it is good to see you.”

“Hey man it is good to see you too. How have you been?”

“I am good. I am doing very good.” he says

“I was worried about you because I havent seen you in a while, so it’s good to see you.”

“Well I got sick and was in the hospital for a bit, but I am fine now. It’s a long story man. Maybe we can talk about it sometime.”

“Ok cool. I am just glad to see that you are ok.” I smiled.

“What are you doing here?” he asked

“I’m dropping off donations to support people with HIV and AIDS as part of my Unpluggin HIV outreach”

“I didnt know you have an HIV outreach.”

“Well I am HIV positive and I want to make sure I am doing all I can to support people who might be going through the same things I did.” I smiled and winked at him in an effort to get him to feel comfortable and it worked.

“Can I share something with you Kengi.” He said in a very low voice looking around to make sure no one could hear him.

“Sure you can and let me say this, there is nothing that you can share with me that will cause me not to want to help you as best I can or love and support you. Dude I use to eat from trash cans, sleep in alleys and much more, so feel free to share whatever you want to ok.”

“I dont know how to say this Kengi. I am ashamed and I am having a very hard time with it, but it is getting better.” He sat down and took a very long pause and I said nothing. I simply stood there and allowed him to be in the moment after a few minutes he looks up and says “Kengi I have AIDS.”

He put his head back down and again I said nothing, because I knew there was more he needed to get out and for me to start talking would prevent that from taking place.

“I made lots of mistakes in my life man, done things I am so ashamed of, used drugs and had sex with so many people without a condom so I dont know where or when I got this……..” He went on to share with me for about 20 minutes and there were times when you broke down.

As he shared with me my own tears started to fall down my face because I knew in that moment I was for him what has not taken place for me. He was purging and doing so with someone he trusted, he was letting go of the shame of his past in order to step into the bright future that is right in front of him. As spoke tears were gushing from my eyes because a lot of what he shared was my own story of how he had turned to places for support only to be let down, how he has so many people around him, but how he feels so alone at times and people always tell him that he “isnt alone” He spoke of having gone to places with appointments only to not get anything done other then signing papers that assure they will get funding for helping him when they’ve done nothing at all but stress him out.

At the end he looked up and I opened my arms. He stood up and I hugged him and he broke down even more. “Kengi where do I go from here. I am so lost and I dont know what to do.”

Before I answered him I had to try to think very hard about my answer. I didnt want to sound like some asshole, nor did I want to sound like some careless person simply spitting shit out of their mouth that means nothing. So I took a moment to ask God for direction and the words.

“You’re still here man and where you go from here is up to you. How you live your life and move forward is up to you. Ask God to forgive you for whatever it is that YOU feel you need to be forgiven for, then forgive yourself and move forward. I will not tell you that this is going to be easy or that you will be ok, because I dont know that. No one knows that. But you are here, so make the best of that. So what you have AIDS, big fucking whoop. YOU just do all you can to take care of yourself and make sure you take your meds, see your doctor and even though it feels like it isnt much, keep reaching out to anyone who will hear you. LOVE who you are.”

Before we finished he shared that he got housing in Santa Monica and did so through Common Ground, he told me that worked very hard to help him get clean clothes and find a doctor that he really loves. He shared that he was with another ASO and they didnt seem to be helping him, he shared how he even tried to kill himself because he never seemed to get any place with them. Then he tried Common Ground and according to him and I have heard this for all the people I know who get service there, that right away they made things happen for him and housing didnt take that long.

When I walked inside to find someone to accept the donations. Each time I go to Common Ground the staff is very friendly and this is something that I know is lacking for other ASO’s. First impressions are key and many ASO’s miss the mark with first impressions. This isn’t to say that all things are bad at ASO’s but from my personal experience the same level of care is not shared when you deal with more then one person. Furthermore things like “heavy case loads” and not having a working relationship with a person can also cause problems for people trying to access service, so it is up to ASO’s to step to the plate and make sure they aren’t creating more problems, more hurdles and road blocks that do not serve their bottom line, the client. If a case manager cant help when things come up within the very organization where they work, then this is a problem that must be corrected.

After leaving Common Ground I was a bit upset with myself for not doing more homework when I selected an ASO. I had no idea that Common Ground was an option. Not once had OPCC, Saint Joseph Center, UCLA, or USC mentioned it to me. Not once in reaching out to find an ASO did anyone mention this place to me. However I am the one who is at fault, I should have done more work, looked harder before making a choice and now I am where I am and I am thankful for the work that has taken place through APLA, but I do know that me having an opinion, my speaking out and this blog has hurt me and has caused things not to happen.

I am very happy that my friend is off the streets, please know this and I am in no way angry or asking why did he get housing, AWESOME housing in a place that has been my home my entire life, but I am upset that when things dont go well I am left with “I am sorry Kengi” or “I dont know Kengi” and “Just hold on Kengi.” My tears started to fall again when I heard the voice of my friend saying how bad things were at the same ASO I am now with and how awful his case manager made him feel at times. He said how when he spoke up for himself it was met with anger and what he said was attempts to make him leave.

I will not say for that I have not felt these very same feelings and my expressing them has not made things better and writing this blog will do nothing but make things better either. But I will not sit quiet and act as if my ASO is great and does a great job for me as their client or that they are receptive to my needs, concerns and problems that I have had. Let me be very clear that this is in no way an attack on anyone I consider to be a friend there and does not take away from he good that has come from being a client there. However it also does not mean that things have been great there either because they haven’t been. There have been times that I feel ignored or that I dont matter and right now is very much one of those times. AGAIN, this is not an attack, just stating how I feel and I am entitled to do this and should not be made to feel bad because I have expressed it.

The sad thing is that this isnt the first time I have heard somone say how bad things were for them at my ASO. Most of them were Black or Latino and some white, but all of them are very poor or homeless and that does not make me feel great about my fate there as a client.

I jumped back on my bike and headed to Mar Vista, because my friend Birgitta had sent me a text message telling me that she had a box of clothes for me. So I needed to go by and get them. Once there I had the chance to sit and visit with her and get to know her better. I met her at a community meeting in Mar Vista where I shared the community work I am doing and she was very helpful right form the start.

She has supported my outreach efforts at least four times now and each time she has been a major help and the items she donates are awesome. Today would be no different. This time one of her neighbors was moving and cleaning out his closet and she told him not to throw things out because she could donate them to an organization that could use the items. The items donated were in awesome condition and will once again be used to support people living with HIV and AIDS at Common Grounds in Santa Monica.

I completed my day by taking the last bag bag of cookies I had packed in the trailer to a homeless came not far from Tina and Andy’s place. Once back I took a nap and then took a shower. I also had to call around and start doing my homework on finding the best place to help me qualify for my move in grant from HOPWA. I simply dont think it will be a wise decision to allow the housing department at my ASO to handle it since they did such a lousy job the last time and I didnt get it. Furthermore the “housing specialist” I was assigned to had no idea which papers to give me. The papers he gave me were wrong and this slowed down the process and then I was asked if I were really homeless by the supervisor of the department after he found my blog that said “30 days homeless by choice” Later I was told that my application would not be accepted and was not turned submitted for consideration. This cost me a place to live off the streets. Nope this time I will find a place that knows what they are doing and will not use my blog to disqualify me without submitting the paper work for an official decision.

As I sit here on Tuesday morning typing this blog I cant help but think about the love of Christ. So many people who parade themselves as people who care for me and only want whats best for me spit “Christ” out their mouths, but will turn right around and launch attacks and hate toward people who are homeless, gay or lesbian. How is this in line with the love of Christ? As I sit here troubled and very concerned about housing I am smiling because of the real message and love of Christ.

When I think of the story of Christ and why he went to the cross I recall people in the crowd saying. If you are the son of God and so powerful, the why dont you come down from that cross and save yourself. But I know it wasnt the nails that held him to the cross, because he could have come down, but to do so would me the world would be lost.

It was love that held him there. Love for homeless people, love for the poor, love for the sick and shut in, love for people who things that most said were evil and not of God, it was love that held him there, love for the drug dealer, love for the hooker, love for gay men and lesbian women, it was love for humanity regardless of their so called standing in “community” and love for humanity regardless of “fancy”, love for the woman at the well, love for Caleb who sleeps under the freeway, love for Jackie who turns tricks to feel her kids, love for Kevin who also turns tricks to buy his HIV meds, it was love for people like John who sleep in the beach, love Blacks are so disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS, but only stats are produced to address this, it was love for the gay men who have been beaten, love for couples who are not allowed to marry because someone distorted the message and love and Christ and twisted into something sick, evil and discriminatory then wrapped it in his message of love.

No it wanst the nails that held Christ to the cross, it was his LOVE for ALL humanity, so it is with this love that I will continue to push forward even as the tears fall down my face. It is with this love that I will not fret over attacks that are simply launched to distract me from the work I have been called to do. It is grace, mercy, favor and LOVE of Christ that I will get housing, if not this time, then soon and it is with this LOVE that I refuse to allow anything to hold me back from doing the work I now do, from being the best I can be and improve with each passing day.

I want to express my many thanks to all the people who made “outreach Monday” a huge success. For knowing that the love and message of Christ applies to everyone and for being brave and Christ like enough to stand up for people who have far less and are battling through the hardships of HIV and AIDS as well as poverty and homelessness.

The love of Christ is for ALL humanity and the story of Calvary clearly demonstrates this and it includes people like me, like or not. I am so glad that it aint up to YOU.

I’ve Come Too Far To Turn Around

• Posted by Kengi on June 24, 2009 at 12:00am

Starting Over

When it comes to something like health care the last words I ever want to here and certainly the last thing I ever want to do is start over, but once again I’ve been forced to do just that. However this time I am also making many other changes as well.

A couple of weeks ago I took time out for me, to make sure I had no distractions and that I was doing all I could not to let the hopes of getting my own place slip out of my hands. Everything I needed to do I took care of, just like I have always done. Everything that was handed to me by the place offering the housing involved several other people besides myself, but I did all that was required of me and I did so in two days. However other paperwork took longer because I was unable to get appointments to turn in the paperwork with required parties. This slowed things down.

When I ran into road blocks with unemployment as well as DPSS, I reached out for help, but doing so only got me answers like “I dont know Kengi.” Asking for advice from others only seemed to cause problems, so I did what I always do. I fixed things on my own and found other ways of making sure that this was not going to fall apart because I wasn’t doing all I could to prevent it.

I went to another unemployment office and asked for a supervisor and explained to her what I needed it. However before getting to speak with her I had to deal with people who were not very helpful and one even refused to help me unless I told her what medical condition this was for. When I refused to tell her, she refused to help. I then had to make a choice and my choice was to hell her I was HIV positive and she blurted out “You have AIDS” loud enough for everyone to hear. Despite this bold faced ignorance I pushed forward until I got what I had came for.

I also went to another DPSS office and spoke with a supervisor and explained to her what had taken place in the Downtown LA office and she did all she could to correct this. In doing so I was able to get my monlthy food stamps and the $221.00 per month back again. This time with no monthly interruptions or problems so far. However is they come up I will not wait to get them fully addressed and fixed.

When I found out that my doctor didnt sign his form correct and even my case manager’s form also needed to be done again, I was a little let down. If anything would be wrong, you would think it would be something I had done wrong, a place that I filled out incorrect, but this wasnt the case. I had done everything write and now things could possibly fall apart because people who are supposed to be on my side and know how to do things right the first time, had dropped the ball.

My doctor flat out refused to sign the form saying it would be illegal for him to do so. Even after the housing manager explained to the administrator exactly what the form is, he still refused to sign it. The form has been signed many times by others doctors at the clinic including my former doctor and there was no reason why the form could not be signed this time. No reason at all. It is interesting that all of this comes after many problems with the clinic and my nurse and after I made a complaint about the nurse and the nursing supervisor. I honestly feel Dr. Dube not signing the form was nothing more then the clinics way of getting me to leave. How’s that for “first do no harm”

He is where I stand with the apartment: I was told that the apartment has been set aside for me, however I needed to do all I could to make certain the papers get done correctly. This time I needed people to really show up for me and one person really did. My AIDS treatment educator wrote a letter to get me in to another clinic. It will be a hardship for me to get there, but I will ride my bike if I have to. He also assured me that my case manager and her boss were working very hard to make sure things went well. When I was unable to get my case manager on the phone I called her boss to try to get some answers and he was far less then helpful and if he was the one working hard for me,then I knew this was going to fall apart. After speaking with him for about 5 minutes he acted as if I was the one at fault here, like all the slow down was caused by me and he reminded me that I wasnt the only person that my case manager had as a client. He also made excuses about how things come to a stand still when my case manager doesn’t have answers when things go wrong. To be honest he pissed me off and I said “thanks” and hung up. My best friend Andy calmed me down and helped me to think things through. I still refused to give up. Since I had no idea what my case manager and her boss were doing, I was going to once again do all I could not to let things fall apart. I called my peer support manager and he advised trying to find a number for the doctor and clinic to get at least get that ball moving.

Last week I got my blood work done and was assured that the clinic was fully aware of the form and they were fairly sure the doctor would sign it. The difference between this clinic and the old one is the level and care everyone seemed to have with the fact that my housing was really on the line, each person did all they could to assure me and make me feel calm. I also had an EKG done today to make sure my heart is fine as well as starting the Hep B vaccination all over again.

Today I got a call from my new doctors office and I was told I needed to come in today and not next week. Right away my heart sank because I thought under all the stress my body was starting to break down much like I have done so much over the past month, but I was told that the reason I was asked to come in today was because the next week would be too late for the apartment. I needed to come today to see the doctor and get the form signed.

Well not only did I get my form signed, I also met my new doctor and right away she made me feel good about my HIV. I had an exam like I have never had since being HIV positive. She made me feel like I was back in private care and that my health was really a priority for her and the people at the clinic has also mad me feel the very same way. We talked about ways for me to make certain my body remains strong and this is something were USC has failed and have been very unclear as to what I need to do to keep building T-cells as well as making sure I am doing all I can to avoid the heart disease that plagues both sides of my family tree. Something I have asked about several times while at USC, but never got a an answer or even a game plan to make certain this would not become my fate.

Most important I got my labs back and once again my body is showing me just how strong it is and that I need to keep the faith and stay in the fight. My T-cells have once again climbed and my viral load has also dropped off again and once again God showed me that he is in full control despite what I might be going through.

Before leaving the doctors office I was given a referral to an optometrist to get my eyes examined and get much needed glasses that I have been without since homelessness began. I also called the housing office to make sure I let them know that I have the form signed and I am ready turn it in. I didn’t want to take a chance with the mail, since time is working against me.

I have no idea what is going on with the form that my case manager needed to sign. When I saw her last week she said she was unable to reach the housing office and had to wait before she signed the form and instead of calling me to pick up the forms like we have always done in the past, she has now said she would mail them. Our meeting was short, distant and very cold. I have not heard from her since, so I dont know if her required form has been filled out or not.

I dont know where starting over this time will lead as far as housing is concerned and I honeslty dont know that I will remain in case management with AIDS Project Los Angeles, as I do not feel they fully care about me as a client, nor do I feel they do the best job advocating for people like me. Poor people, homeless people and Black people. This isn’t an attack on friends that I have that work there. Just something I need to consider when I think of someone or something “managing me” I need to know and not doubt in any way that they fully care about me. This has nothing to do with friendship is has everything to do with my HIV care and my well being. Like things at USC, things at AIDS Project Los Angeles have been bad as well and pushing me aside is no longer acceptable. So for right now I am praying and asking God to give me the right thing to do.

Yesterday I got an email from another housing option in Santa Monica, a place where I was told I could not be placed on the waiting list. However when I called myself I was told a much different story and I was placed on the list. The letter was asking me if I was still interested in the apartment in Santa Monica, just steps from the sand and more importantly very close to Chess Park where I do most of my Do Something Saturday outreaches to homeless people.

I cant ever give up, I cant ever give in, because I’ve come too far to turn around. I might get sick, but I cant turn around, I might get discouraged, but I cant turn around, I might be made to cry sometime, but I cant turn around, I cant look to the left and I cant look to the right, the bible teaches me that in doing so I am unable to move forward and I must move forward. You cant stop me, you cant turn me around.

I’m Not Tired Yet

• Posted by Kengi on June 27, 2009 at 11:14am

As a kid Ma always said for me to keep busy she’d tel me “an idle mind is the devils workshop” and she was so right. As a kid if I was busy with something I was off doing things I really shouldn’t have been doing like getting even with one of my sister by breaking the heads and legs off their barbie dolls. When I learned that all they had to do was to put them back on, I started to cut their hands and feet.

The past two weeks were really no different, I was stressing big time about this apartment, really angry at Dr. Dube for nor signing the form that moves me closer to getting it saying it was “against the law” for him to sign it, plus the fact that I had lost my Big Mama was really very hard on me. To say the past two weeks were a walk through the fire is really putting it rather mildly.

I knew in order for me not to stress out I had to find things to do, so I submerged myself into my community work as deep as I could, but even that didn’t totally help, because the stress showed up in the form of food. I’ve been eating like a pig non-stop and I have noticed it too. My clothes are fitting tighter and my energy level is way down. I am waking up eating and no matter how many outreaches I’ve planned the eating continues.

Stress is no good for my Sickle Cell and certainly is no good for my HIV either and I do all I can not to allow things to stress me out, but how can you not stress when your doctor, someone who is supposed to “first do no harm” is doing just that? How can my HIV doctor stand in the way of my housing? How can he think I would be better living on the streets? Furthermore how could I allow someone that clearly doesn’t me, much less care about my life continue to be my doctor?

In addition to all of this I was also really questioning why Dr. Dube would do something like this. Was it because I had complained about his nurse? Was it because I had complained about the nursing supervisor? Was it because it because I asked too many questions? Was his actions once again, just like the actions of Skid Row Housing Corporation? I can not help but think and I truly believe that Dr. Dube did this in order to get me to leave the clinic, since I had already spoken with the administrator about the many problems I was having I also think he was in on it as well. There is just no way in hell that he does not know about this form. I am poor, black, homeless, gay and have HIV, who the hell is going to listen to me. Who the hell is going to stand up for me, certainly not my government and certainly not my ASO. The sad thing is that I reached out to 6 different ASO’s and ASO reps and not one got back in touch with me, well let me take that lie back, one did reach out to me on facebook to invite me to become a fan of another ASO, but did not even mention my email and request for help and support. Why I asked why I never heard back the reply was they were too busy. But not too busy to send a request for me to become a fan of some ASO they are a board member for. Just more of the same bullshit I am use to when it comes to ASO’s.

I’ve said the fact that he didn’t sign the paper does not take away from him being a good doctor, but when I really think about this, it truly does diminish him as a good doctor. Moreover it takes away from him as a human being. I can totally understand if he was unaware of this form or the program that has been in place for years. In fact he has signed the paper before and so have other doctors at the clinic. Even his administrator acted like he was aware of what the form was. The person from the housing program called him and explained it to him and he still refused. Without this paper I am disqualified for housing which means I would be living on the streets and fist fighting again for my belongings. Anyone in their right mind would be stressed out in many ways. Some would be far more stressed them I am.

I buckled down and doug myself into my organization and decided that I was going to do as many outreaches as possible to keep my mind off things that were seemly falling part in my own life. In the past 14 days I’ve done 10 outreaches to people with HIV and AID as well as to people who are homeless. I even got 3 outreaches in to families that are low income as well.

This many outreaches alone meant I really had lots of work to do, both for the outreach and to stay on top on the housing issues I was having. I now needed to find clinic and a new doctor and this meant getting my labs done all over again. It also meant that this would be my 4th change since being diagnosed HIV positive. It meant having to start all over with everything, but this time my housing was on the line and I wasnt about to give up and take “I dont know” or allow the lack of effort, concern or care of some ASO manager to cause me to miss out on housing. I am very bothered by people getting paid to say “I dont know”

Thanks to my friend and AIDS Treatment Educator Brian Risley I was able to find another doctor and I was able to get in very fast. If you are reading my blog I said that when people who do great work like Brian, Morris and Tiana must take breaks or vacations then someone just as committed and qualified, caring and compassionate must step in to help and not cause more stress. Well this did not happen. The head of case management at my ASO spoke to me like I had bothered him, like how dare you call me. He was rude and said things like “we have heavy case loads” and “our housing department is small” and my all time favorite “I dont know”

The head of the case management department should know. PERIOD. There is absolutely no reason why the manager of the department that manages people, has no clue when it comes to all the paper work that is required for clients that they are “managing” “I dont know” should never be the answer from the head of the damn department. If you dont know they how can the people under him effectively serve people like me.

After being yelled at by this manager for his lack of knowledge I thanked him and hung up. I had not time to speak to someone else who doesnt give a damn about the people they claim to serve. After speaking with him I know now more then ever that AIDS Project Los Angeles still has plenty of work to do to when it comes to changing their long standing reputation as the ASO for “rich white men” and after speaking with this manager I know there is no place for me. He drove his point home load and clear. I am not white, not rich and I dont count. I got your damn message.

Let me be perfectly clear I have nothing but love and respect for my friends Tiana, Morris and Brian, they have done nothing but great work for me and I am so very thankful. They also do great work for their clients as well. There are also others at APLA who do great work like Krista, Jack, Elise and Joseph at the front desk, but this still does not change the fact that there is massive work to be done to effectively serve my community and do it without disrespect or making people feel like they have bothered people by calling to ask for help. I’ve never once questioned any of the hard work Tiana, Brian and now Morris has done for and I fully appreciate it. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar from the pit of hell.

My best friend Andrew kept me calm and helped me to remain focused and did not allow me to think about my conversation with this so called manager of case management. KICK ROCKS and take your damn case load and sit on it. Oh you already do that.

Throughout the week while doing my outreaches I met homeless people with some pretty sad and amazing stories of both victory and defeat. I met people who had given up on life so long ago, so because they really never had much to strive for to begin with and others who have been so beaten down by the system in place that they have lost all hope, all joy and all else. These are the stories that bother me the most, it is said when people make the choice to live homeless, but I am always so angry when I hear from people who have tried for years and simply give up because they system in place is not designed to move them quickly through homelessness, but keep them in it as long as possible. I hurts my soul to see people sleeping in alleys and in dark corners, but yet all these organizations say they are helping and doing such awesome work and just like my friends Tiana, Morris and Brian, there are people doing awesome jobs to help people who are homeless and dealing with things like HIV and AIDS, but the road to get to people like them is a rough and hard road to walk on and many people give up, many people say “this is not worth it”

When I hear the stories from people dealing with homelessness, HIV and AIDS I think of my own story, my own hardships and my own tears. When I hear how people are turned away and told “come back next week” “it’s a process” and “I have a heavy case load” I think of all the times I have gone through and have heard the very same things. When I hear people with HIV say they no longer try to get care because it was just to hard to access, my heart sinks and when I hear it from Blacks my heart and my soul shakes because these people are trying to access services and are met by people like the manager I spoke with and they simply give up.

How do we begin to fix things when many of things in place to help people like me are so badly broken and people like Tiana, Morris and Brian are in very low numbers, but people like that manager are in greater numbers and causing so much harm? How do we correct the CDC report when ASO’s still are doing very little to include the very people who are affected by HIV and AIDS the most? Why is it that “fancy” always gets helped first while people like me have to struggle and fight every step of the way?

Friday I went in to fill out my application for my own housing and on Monday at 9:30AM I will take my final step toward getting my own place. Friday marked one full year that I have been on the waiting list for this housing, I was told it would be at least a year before I would be called and here it is a full year later and I am being moving forward.

I am greatly hurt by the conversation I had with this manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles and not because he acted this way towards me, I am much stronger then that, but I am upset that he has spoken to other people who aren’t as strong as me. Who dont have people like Tiana, Morris and Brian to help them. I am sad because I see the faces and hear the stories of so many people suffering through HIV and AIDS that are poor and homeless and no one seems to care. I am hurt because Dr. Dube and 5p21 are also reasons people give up and become stats on some CDC report. When I hear Blacks say things like “I’ll just wait until I have AIDS” my hear sinks because they feel this is the only way for