Project Kengikat

FACEBOOK SUCKS

// May 15th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I’ve been a member of FACEBOOK for sometime now and for the most part it has been a cool place to stay in touch with people I dont get to see in my daily life. However if can also be a huge pain in the ass.

There are several things that I truly hate about FACEBOOK and they are as follows:

1) FACEBOOK uses your friends to get you to try something. Most times your friends have never even tried what FACEBOOK says they have. For example FACEBOOK always tells me that someone on my list has tried an app. or has answered questions about me. BOTH are lies.

2) FACEBOOK makes far too many changes DAILY that change how you connect and keep in touch with the people on your list. NOT ONCE do they even bother to inform you of it.

3) If you are not on top of it, FACEBOOK will make changes to security setting that will affect your privacy. AGAIN, they will not inform you of the changes they’ve made, thus putting you at risk. For example FACEBOOK posted home phone numbers of addresses of its users without their permission. Many people did not even know FACEBOOK had made this viewable to ANYONE. I only found out because a friend posted it after finding out his parents private information was being shared.

4) You can’t leave FACEBOOK. Yep, thats right FACEBOOK will not allow you to do…..LEAVE. You can only deactivate your account and NOTHING else. Which means people are still able to see it and FACEBOOK also uses the account to get people to request you as a friend.

In many ways FACEBOOK itself is a big of risk to your private information they anything else. So why they place so much time and money saying just how much they care about your privacy when they too violate your private information and safety daily.

I will remain a member of FACEBOOK, but I must say that I am very selective on what I share on FACEBOOK, since FACEBOOK feels and acts as if they are ME.

Checking In

// May 9th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Since I’ve been getting lots of messages asking me how I am doing, I thought I would post it here. I am home resting. My energy comes, goes, comes and goes again. So I am taking it very slow and easy. Not over doing it or pushing myself.

Big thanks to all who have sent cards, notes, comments, kind words, texts and voice messages. Even bigger thanks to those of you who have taken the time to stop by and visit me. This truly means a great deal to me.

It think some people think Sickle Cell is something that is here one day and gone the next, but it isn’t like that at all. The pain I feel sometimes can be a bit too much to deal with. I am doing all I can to simply relax and take it day by day.

God has placed some pretty awesome people in my life and I am thankful for each of you.

GOD IS KEEPING ME

// April 27th, 2011 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

These past few months have been rather rough for me, I’ve talked about on my youtube channel and I even went into here on this blog. I’ve always had people in my life who have said “call on me if you need me” or things like this, but what I have learned is that for the most part this truly means “don’t call on me for anything”

I’ve talked before about how my parents were my safe harbor and no matter what was going on in my life I always knew I could go to them and it was a place that was safe. Filled with love and no judgments. I’ve have never had that since they’ve passed. Now I have plenty of people in my life and tons of people I can talk to, but for me there is no safe place where I can turn to for unconditional love and support.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is give and give, but when I am in need there is no one there for me. Reaching out to friends who are in my everyday life this past week has been very hard for me to do and now that I’ve done it 6 times with bad results I am left feeling empty and to be very honest let down. However my last call was to someone I love and trust, but I had no idea that what I was able to receive from her this morning when she came by would be the safest I’ve felt in a very long time.

She shared some things with me that help me look at things in my own life that I must take care right now. Things that can no longer wait or be put off. Things that I keep bottled up inside of me because I simply have learned not to trust people and again to be very honest I simply don’t need anyone else looking down on me or acting like I have some how let them down. I certainly dont need anyone else telling me how mad or upset they are with me because I did not share something about myself with them or I did not call them. So what I have learned is to lock things away deep inside of me and use other things to keep my mind off them.

This past month and especially this week I’ve learned just how very alone I am and how people in my everyday life can very easily forget all about me and in many ways this makes it easy to forget about me too. After my friend left this morning I sat down and started to take some notes and after I was finished taking these notes I was so upset with myself for allowing myself to depend on others so much.

After doing some laundry and cleaning my place I took Dodger out for a walk to clear my head and to think about what I need to do for me so I can heal and move forward. As I walked past a local shop the owner asked me to come in and speak with him. I was so glad I did this because no sooner then I walked in he says to me “there is something very heavy on your mind and it is troubling your spirit.” He went on to tell me that I needed to return to my faith.

Before I left he gave me a huge bush of sage. Once I returned home I used this sage to clean and clear my space. I sat on the floor and began to pray to God for his help, his divine leadership. As I began to do this I felt this heaviness that seemed to be around me fall away. I began to pray to God and tell him my secrets, my hurts, my fears. I began to tell him what I am so angry about, I began to cry and purge myself of all that is weighing me down. Once I was done some of the answers I needed were clear to me and I know in time the others will come.

I must at all times keep my FAITH in GOD front and center. I can not allow anyone or anything get in the way of my FAITH. It is my FAITH is that always there and my GOD who will never fail me nor let me down. My safe place needs to be with GOD….a place of LOVE and no judgments.

GOD IS KEEPING ME

Resurrection Sunday

// April 24th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The song says “Trouble in my way, I have to cry sometime. I lay awake at night, but that’s alright, cause I know Jesus will fix it after while. My body gets tired and my soul needs resting, but I know Jesus will fix it after while.”

Ma use to tell me “to whom much is given, much is required” as a kid I didn’t full understand this or the meaning of the song, but now at the at of 42 I can honestly say that I fully understand both. I guess when you’ve lived a life and have been through some things, this is when you can fully appreciate the meanings of certain things.

I guess you can tell from title of this blog that I am writing it on Easter Sunday, it’s about 6:18pm right now and this has been unlike any Easter Sunday I remember as a kid or for most of my adult life, but even in the midst of all that is taking place in my life right now, I am still and always will be so thankful to God for the amazing life he allows me to live.

I’ve been pretty sick and have not had the energy to blog or even vlog, however Saturday I was able to do my outreach of Easter Baskets for children from low income families. The goal once again was to provide 25 Easter Baskets and this year I was able provide far more then the goal…..275. I even had someone I have never met come over to help me. She watches my YOUTUBE channel and wanted to come help. This was nice because it would have been no one else but me. She even came back today to bring me and Dodger something to eat as well as getting some cranberry and ruby red juice for me. I was so shocked when there was a knock at my door. I almost didn’t answer it because I did not buzz anyone in the building. Today’s visit with her was very nice and short because I was just not feeling well.

I made an extra effort to spend more time with Dodger today, even though I am in lots of pain. He has been acting out and it is to the point to where I am about to give up on him. When I say acting up, I mean he has been going in the apartment just minutes after we get back from a walk, he even pissed in my bed which made me angry enough to hit him.  So today I wanted to try to show him that I still love him very much. I could tell he really enjoyed it and I even tried to explain to him that I am sick right now, so I can’t do this everyday like I normally do. When I asked him to please not go inside anymore and never again on my bed, he looked up at me and licked my face and then tucked his head under my arm. I am so hoping this was him letting me know he fully understands.

My cell phone is off right now. I could not afford the bill this month. I had two friends help me out with cash for this month, but there were other bills that I needed to take care of, plus Dodger needed his last round of meds and we both needed food. The cell phone bill is $117.00 and I could not see paying that and then being in the dark and no gas. To be honest that would have been foolish of me.

My meeting with the Housing Authority went well, this is something I have to do each year, but I guess I needed a UN Headset for this women to understand that I do not have an income right now because the letter they sent raised my rent far beyond my reach. After sitting and speaking with her I was so upset when I read the letter. How could she not understand that I can pay the new amount. I mean shit the amount that I have been paying is now a hardship, but I have not asked for my rent to be nothing at all. I came up to my apartment and began to call her for the rest of the day on Thursday and all day Friday with no return calls from her.

By Friday afternoon I was in so much pain that I nearly broke down. My next door neighbor heard me and came to help. She does kidney dialysis 4 times a week and also has Sickle Cell, so she knew how to help as well as the amount of pain I was in. Once the pain crisis passed we shared our war stories of what it is like to have Sickle Cell and go to an emergency room. We both laughed when we shared being called “drug seeker” or being told  ”the pain is all in our head”

Our stories are alike in lots of ways and very different in lots of ways. She is a transgender and I am gay, we both are black,she has a history of drug abuse….she has been clean for 3 years, we are both formerly homeless and we both run small grass roots organization. Most of all we have been battling Sickle Cell since birth. I am not sure how long she has had HIV, but we share that as well.

I don’t know how I will get through what is in front of me or how long it will last. Nor do I know that I will be in this apartment next month. Simply typing that has made the tears flow down my face. What I do know is this. I serve a God who is greater than anyone or anything and he will always come through for me. Even when it looks as if I am down for the count, God will always come through. I am not fearing homeless……I will say that I am in no way wanting to ever experience it again. I know I have done everything I am supposed to do and then some when it comes to my housing contract, so if homeless does happen it will not be because I have fallen short. It has always been strange to me how agencies are ALLOWED to make grave mistakes all day everyday with no consequence, but the people they serve had better not miss a beat….EVER for any reason.

I am blessed and HIGHLY FAVORED by God, so I will not allow any person, place or thing cause my to question my FAITH and I will not fall and will not bend, until God calls me home. I am blessed in the city and I am blessed in the field and the joy the is inside of me can not be taken away. Notice I said JOY, not happiness, they are two different things. Happiness can be taken away, but joy will remain in place no matter what.

I guess it is time to resurrect the God in me and ready him for a battle for housing, not just for me, but for people like me who do not have a voice and are just ran over by a system that is set up to fail people. I guess it is time for me to be the “big mouth” or the “asshole” that many people already call me. Call me what you like, but as long as I am able I will continue to raise my voice in protest, I will continue to call your sorry asses to carpet for not doing your fucking jobs….jobs that you have simply because of people like me.

In all my trials, all my tests I will always know that God is there with me and he will never fail me.

Sickle Cell Disease

// April 13th, 2011 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

I was born with Sickle Cell, just so I am clear up front, you must be born with Sickle Cell. You can’t get it from me touching you or from me drinking from your cup. You can’t develop Sickle Cell later in life. YOU MUST BE BORN WITH IT. Many people ask me this question so I thought I would answer it up front.

So what is Sickle Cell Disease? Sickle Cell is disease passed down through families in which red blood cells are abnormal…. crescent shaped. Normal red blood cells are disc shaped. These cells carry oxygen, but because of the abnormal shape they carry less oxygen to the bodies tissue. They can also clog in small blood vessels.

What are the symptoms of Sickle Cell?

Abdominal pain, bone pain, breathlessness, delayed growth, fatigue, fever, paleness, rapid heart rate, ulcers on lower legs, yellowing of the eyes and skin, chest pain, extreme thirst, frequent urination, painful and prolonged erections, poor eyesight, heart attack, stroke and early death.

Sickle Cell in 2011 is still considered “the black man disease” instead of a chronic pain disease. Sickle Cell affect more than just Blacks, so it is very important for people to fully understand that Sickle Cell is not exclusive to Blacks.

For me Sickle Cell con bring me to my knees. It causes everything in my life to come to a complete stop. There is nothing more scary then the feeling of your own body attacking itself. Nothing more scary then your lungs collapsing and you’re left fighting for your life. There is nothing more hurtful then turning to medical professionals for help and you’re called a “drug seeker” or that the pain is all in your head.

Like me, many people with Sickle Cell battle this disease at home with no help from medical professionals and like me many people with Sickle Cell know all to well that each day of life is a true gift, because life expectancy of a person with Sickle Cell is not very long.

For the past month my pain crisis have been more frequent and far more painful. It takes me a great deal longer to recover from each pain crisis and there have been times when there is no time for recovery between each crisis. For about the past month and half I have pretty much been inside simply because I have no energy to go out and for fear of having a pain crisis while I am out and about.

Already today I have consumed 46 glasses of water and I am still very thirsty. Just to get up and go to the Los Angeles Housing Authority was a real effort on my part. My appointment was for 8:50AM so I was up at 5:00AM in order to make it there on time. After the appointment it took me nearly 15 minutes to walk one block to the bus stop and almost 45 minutes to walk from the train station home. I walk that normally would take me about 8 minutes.

Walking Dodger is very painful and at times I avoid doing it until the very last minute. In these times I stay out longer with him so he is able to enjoy being outdoors in the fresh air and able to meet and greet his little friends who live and work in the area. Today while walking him someone asked if I was not feeling well and I told them that I have Sickle Cell and have not been feeling so hot for some time now. After walking him just a bit ago the same person saw me and said “I looked up Sickle Cell and if you ever need anything or if Dodger needs to get out, please give me a call.” He handed me his number and said he was so sorry for the pain that I am in.

There is not a day that I dont have pain. So days the pain is far worse then others, trying to explain the pain to someone is so hard to do. For two days now my bones hurt so much that all I can do is lay in bed and cry for the pain to pass. There is are times when simply moving my eyes is just far too much.

The days when I can go out and enjoy my friends, my dog and the sun are so awesome for me, but they have been rare over the past two months. There are times when I dont even want people to come over because all they want to do is make it better and there is nothing they can do to make it better. I also dont want people to fuss over me, so I keep them away or when they ask I say I feel fine.

Sickle Cell is no joke

DABS the AIDS Bear

// April 1st, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Back in 2009, Dab Garner, one of the oldest Americans living with HIV asked me to be one of his many Ambassadors of Hope for Dabs the AIDS Bear. The organization has Ambassadors of Hope throughout the United States as well as from all over the world. I has been a real honor to be part of such a beloved, well respected and international organization.

Since becoming an Ambassador I’ve been able to present Dabs the AIDS Bear to other people here in Los Angeles, but last month on March 24th I had the amazing honor of presenting a bear to someone who has become an amazing friend and someone is is such a massive inspiration and encouragement to me.

I met Donald the day I began my outreach on Skid Row at the building where he lives. He was one of the first people tp greet me and help me get things out of the car. Since that time he has been someone who has been very helpful in helping me identify the many needs of the residents in his building. It was because of him that I was able to be a large part of the birthday celebration for another resident and also because of him I was able to be part in helping another deal with some major issues.

Donald is someone who can make you laugh even when you feel like crap. His stories about his life and how he has overcome so much are so amazing to listen to. He is so honest and open about the things he has been through. It was so nice to have received a call from him asking me if I would help him go pick out his computer. The smile on his face and the smile on my face just seeing how much progress he has made with the use of his laptop can not be described. I am truly honored to call Donald my friend.

He had no idea why I was coming. He thought I was there to simply be part of the meeting there at the building, but I was there to present him with his very own Dabs the AIDS Bear. I asked my friend Renne (KoKo) to be part of this day. She knows just how much I care for the residents in this building and she also knows that Donald is someone who is far more than just someone I do peer support with. He is my dear friend and with my whole heart I love him. He is an incredible man with a awesome story of survival and courage. Being able to present him with his own bear was so much of an honor.

After the presentation I had the chance to pass out one of the cell phones from my Keep-n-Touch program. Again this too was so cool to be able to provide someone with a much needed cell phone. I later had the chance to meet and speak with new residents as well as the new RSC for the building.

My day would not have been complete without setting aside some time to talk and laugh with Walter and Donald and man did we ever talk and laugh. Like I said before Donald really knows how to make you laugh and have a great time. After our visit they walked me to the bus stop, where our visit continued, allowing three buses to pass me by so that we could continue on conversation. By the time I got on the bus I had such a great feeling in my soul.

Once again, the small things that I try so hard to do to encourage and inspire the people I serve ended with smiles and a huge success. Once again my heart was filled with so much joy.

Depression

// March 30th, 2011 // 8 Comments » // Uncategorized

This is a subject that most people dont talk about for fear of being put into category or be viewed as someone who has issues. If you are Black and depressed your family will most likely tell you to “get some rest.” No matter who you are, where you live, how much and even how little you have, black or white. Depression is real and it can affect anyone. Some more then others.

When I was homeless one of the three standard questions was “are you depressed” My standard “smart ass” answer was always “I am homeless, hungry and sick. Yes I am depressed, but I don’t need your pills to fix it. I am homeless, hungry and sick, not mental” I forgot that this would get something like “combatitive” or “abrasive” written on my “case management” file. I never fully understood what a case managers job really was because all they can really do is call places that I’ve already called. However there were those places that homeless people could not call, only their “case manager” could call.

Ma never said there was no such thing as depression, but she did say there are fake ways to deal with it. She felt that going on meds to help you ignore an issue that you need to deal with was just stupid. She once spoke and said “there are two people standing in line and they both have a long stick in their backs. One of the people has been smoking weed and knows the long stick is there, the other is on meds and is unaware the long stick is in their back. She went on to ask how can you help someone solve the issue of the long stick in their back when all you’ve done is medicate them so much that they dont even know it’s there?

I’ve always felt the same way it seems that America has ways of simply helping people not deal with issues that can really be taken care of by simply turning around and addressing them. You dont need meds or even a trip to a doctor, let alone a case manager to help you deal with it. However, just like ma Ma, there are some cases where a person needs to be on meds and just like my Ma, these meds should never require another med to counter what the one med is doing,

I could go on and on about this subject, but then I would get so far off the subject that I will forget the real reason I am blogging today.

All my life I’ve had medical issues that I’ve had to deal with in addition to dealing with day to day life and there have been times that I’ve been very depressed. Not once did my parents suggests a trip to a doctor, pastor or anything like this. Each time issues like this come up, I simply have to buckle down and get through it.

It’s almost been two years since I’ve been in my apartment and there have been some ups and downs while living here. First was the fact that I had only $221 per month to live on and most times this came days and in some cases weeks after when it was due and each time it was some “computer issue” Funny how we blame the computer for something we did.

By the time rent and bills were paid there was nothing left. No money for transportation or anything else. Food stamps were fine to have but unless I want to eat cup of noodles all month, $146 wasn’t enough, so I would go to food banks to get things and then go to the store to add to what I was missing. All the while I was looking for work, dealing with being sick and still doing my community work. I remember days when I would come home and cry. Sometimes the tears were because I was so afraid that I was a failure and other times the tears were because I was happy to get through another day and not be back on the streets. Then there were those days when I had to deal with DPSS (welfare office) all I could do was come home and cry. They have a way of just making you feel like shit all the time. Getting angry with them over mistakes that they make will only serve to make things worse.

There were times I would get so angry all I really wanted to do was sock them right in the fucken face. How dare you treat me this way when you’ve made the mistake. How dare you treat me like I don’t matter and how dare you make me fill out paper work that we did last month again and then say I never came in to do it……yeah I would come home close my blinds and cry myself to sleep.

I was so happy when that job came along. I could finally stand on my own two feet. I could tell Andy and Tina that they no longer had to pay my cell phone bill or buy food for me. They no longer had to look after me. They could simply be my awesome friends. I know it must have been very hard for them to look after me they way they have and in many ways still do. I am so thankful and truly blessed to have them in my life. To be very honest I dont know where I would be right now if they had not come into my life.

When I left my job I had about $1200 in the bank but three trips to the hospital and just last week Dodger was so sick I had to take him to the vet. I came home made sure he was alright and I ran a hot bath and cried because now I am broke. I have just over a $1.00 in my checking and now only $1.00 in savings.

I was crying because I was happy I had the money to pay for Dodger, I love him so much and my life would be so empty without him here. I was also crying because I know I can’t get unemployment because of the way that stupid bitch Julie handled the paperwork. She simply never turned it in, so they had my as a “non-employee” Once she fixed it, I had only about three weeks of work. I was also crying because I know I will have to go back to DPSS and I am not looking forward to that at all. I was also crying because after speaking with my case manager I once again asked myself “what do case managers really do”

March 24th was such a happy day for me. I was able to present my friend Donald with his Dabs the AIDS Bear. I was also able to give away a cell phone. It felt so good to spend some time with my friend Donald and Walter. After I came home my Sickle Cell started to give me trouble and I have been inside ever since.

I really don’t feel like talking to people right now, but I force myself to call so people don’t worry about me. It’s in times like these that I truly miss my parents, because all I had to do was call them. They were my safe harbor and whenever I felt like my ship had just been battered by the storms of life, that phone call to them would be like this huge light and would guide my ship to place of safety.

I don’t open up and share all of me with people, simply because some people only want you to do this, so they can look down on you and hold something over you. I also don’t do it because I simply have not trusted anyone they way I trusted my parents. I knew with them I could break down and cry, I could have a bad day or even a bad month. They would simply support me. The last reason I dont open up is because people simply do not know how to do. They say they listen, but in the end I feel like  I had heard all their issues and they I have been drained.

I think I will call my friend Darlyna, I’ve become very close to her and for some reason talking with her makes me feel better. She has this calmness about her and to be honest she is just real and a great friend.

I have not heard back from the now five job interviews, so I am worried. It’s a new month and some bills will become due. It is also the end of the month and I will not have money for transportation.

So many questions I have and so many prayer left unanswered, each storm has a blessing, but still I am guessing and finding my way through the dark.

Everything has a season and everything in life must change, nothing ever stays the same. I feel a huge change is coming and in some ways it is already taking shape. In many ways I am a bit scared, because I know I will have to let go and just trust that God will work it all out.

“Are you depressed?”

“Yes, but your meds will only make it worse. I need to feel and be present to life so I can embrace the sun on my face and fully appreciate it.”

Time Well Spent

// March 22nd, 2011 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

I have been listening to the remake of this song by Vanessa Williams, I must say that I really like her version of this hit. So today has been a busy day and I have my friend Ayana to thank for this. While speaking with her on the phone on Saturday she said something that really got me to thinking and has really been a motivator for the past three days.

I know the only way things are going to get done for me and for my organization is by me doing them. No matter how many people sit on the side line and cheer, the work needs to get done by me. So this week I have made a point to focus more on getting things in place for Do Something Saturday and for myself.

I woke up so excited because I had a job interview today. This was a job interview that came by way of a friend who knows I am looking for work and knows I work in the area of making things better for homeless people. She mentioned my community work to a friend of hers and today I was interviewed for a position. I think the first interview went well and I am looking forward to hearing back from them.

Just as I was heading to get on the bus to leave my job interview in Santa Monica I received an alert email message on my Blackberry. I smiled so big when I read that there is this couple in town on vacation and they wanted to spend some time talking with me and helping homeless people. I was however just a bit bummed that I did not have my cameras with me. I returned their email and gave them my cell phone and in less then 5 minutes I was speaking with them.

Debbie and Raymond wanted to feed homeless people today and they wanted to do this with me. I met them at their hotel in Santa Monica where we talked for a while and as it turns out, they read my blog, but do not watch my YOUTUBE videos. They said they really enjoy my style of blogging and they also love the photos that I include with each post. They also happen to be huge fans of my Flickr page as well.

After talking for about 45 minutes at their hotel we headed out to buy 8 lunches from Subway. They had already purchased some socks and bottled water. Once we were set with the 8 box lunches we headed out to find some homeless people to give them to. The funny thing is that getting set up for an outreach always takes much longer then the outreach itself. I dont think it was 10 minutes before everything was completely gone.

The time I had to spend with them was so awesome and I was so very thankful and humbled that they would take time out of their vacation to look me up and want to feed homeless people. While on the outreach I noticed how they truly seemed to care and how they took time to speak with each person and make them fell like they counted and mattered. This was something I truly needed today because to be honest I was getting a bit down with the lack of support I’ve been getting. I know people watch my videos and read this blog and think that there must be tons of people reaching out to help me do with I do, but that is simply not the case. There are plenty of people who reach out, but far, far less who really help me do anything. To have these people take time from their trip was very inspiring to me.

I wish I could have spent the entire day with Debbie and Raymond, but they wanted to get back to their vacation and I had a ton of things to get done myself. Monday I started working on letters to send off to people who have supported my efforts this past month, I also needed to call to make final arrangements for the event that i will be speaking at later this week.

Once I arrived back at home I knew Dodger would be ready to go for a walk, so this was the first order of business for forme. Once this was done I finished the letter and headed to the post office. As I walked through the post office I thought I might as well check my PO BOX and sure enough there was a card inside letting me know I had a package.

I smiled so big once I saw who the package was from. My friend Kelly in Denver and her girlfriend sent two large packages filled with items for my Do Something Saturday outreach. This was something else I needed to work on today. My three tubs where I keep supplies for the Do Something and Life Kits are empty, so I had plans to work on a letter to ask people if they would do what they could to help me restock these bins which allows me to help people at least 4 days of week. Without the supplies, the outreach comes to a stand still.

I was so happy once I walked through the door to my apartment and opened the packages to see that Kelly and Amanda had sent many of the items I am lacking to complete kits I have already started to put together. I met Kelly through my vlog on YOUTUBE. She was the first subscriber and my first friend. She is also the first person to comment of any of my videos. Today we share this really amazing friendship. Over the years we’ve spent many hours laughing on the phone and many more just being supportive to each other. She is someone that is just so special to me and someone I am truly honored to call me friend.

She took the time out to help me do what I do and for me that truly means a great deal It’s always so odd to me how my friends who are so far away from me seem to do more for my organization then people who are right here in Los Angeles with me. There are so many people outside of my circle of friends right here in Los Angeles who know what I do and not once have they called to offer any sort of help. However they will call to ask me to help them with things they find important or worth taking time out for. This is why I am so thankful for the true friends I have in my life.

The other things that I needed to take care of was get things in order for my outreaches this week. I have a cell phone that I am giving away to someone battling HIV down on Skid Row and I also will be making a Dabs the AIDS Bear presentation down on Skid Row as well. I am so looking forward to both these outreaches because they both are outreaches that are very special to me. This time around I’m very happy that the presentation I am making for Dabs the AIDS Bear is to someone who holds a very special place in my heart. Someone I look to for advice and inspiration. He is someone who has been through so much in his life and I am so honored to call him my friend.

As I type this blog out I am chatting with a friend who is having a hard time with his battle with AIDS, but I am happy to hear that he is at least doing what his doctors are telling him and no longer making excuses as to why he cant follow their directions and instructions. The past three weeks I have been trying to get him to think of the times he use to play piano for Broadway shows and see just how talented he truly is. I think this is starting pay off for him because when I speak to him he tells me he’s been playing piano and just last week he went with a friend to play piano for them while they auditioned for a part in a play. I was so happy to hear him speak about this.

Right now he is talking about how good it felt to do that how good it has been to simply sit down and play like he use to. He is also thinking of trying to get some gigs where he can play piano for plays and get paid to do it. It has been so cool to see him make a full about face when it comes to his health and well being. Just to hear tone of his voice and see the light in his eyes has been so cool. To hear him say that he feels like he can make it through this is just so rewarding. The many hours I have spent with him either in person or on the phone has been lots of work and at times very depressing, but to see him to start to make that turn for the better makes it so worth it.

The last thing I did today was get a money order for my rent and I also paid my cell phone bill. This left my $11.43 cents in my bank account, but for some reason I am not worried about anything because I know God will make a way for me, just like he has always done.

Today was a great day and it is cool to see the work that I created such a long time ago paying off and doing such amazing things for people who are in need.

Dinner with Friends

// March 20th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I just got in from having dinner with some friends where much of our dinner conversation was just how much people are always out to lunch even on things that they are apart of. I laughed really hard when my friend started to talk about her co-worker and how they never seem to fully understand the importance of things, but they always seem to have something to say.

“So are you saying people don’t fully pay attention or care” I asked

“That is exactly what I am saying.” she answered

I guess it would be important to mention that the people I was having dinner all work for non-profits or run their own grass roots organizations. We go out from time to time just to give each other some encouragement and to poke fun and take time out to laugh. We each work so hard at what we do and we take what we do very serious, so it is always cool to have a chance to hang out with them and talk about some of challenges they face from day to day.

Carol works for a non-profit, so she is pretty set. She has the backing of well established organization with both private and federal money behind it, while the rest of us are pretty much grass roots organizations with no staff and no funding other than what we are able to put into what we do or how much we can get people to believe in what we do.

This was the focus of conversation tonight, the fact that we all work so hard, but getting people to believe in what we do is something that all of find a biggest challenge. We talked about ways each of of use to help educate and raise awareness for what we do and I was the only one who uses mediums such as a blog and vlog. While I do believe that I have been able to reach plenty of people with both my blog and vlog, I still think people don’t fully get it and many times judging from the comments I truly don’t think most people even pay attention to the message they simply comment and move on to the next video.

YOUTUBE is a very hard medium to get people to pay attention, because there is so much more that people would rather be doing online, like watching wig and makeup reviews or channels where all people talk about is gossip and dish on each other. However I have been able to reach some people with my channel and for this I am truly thankful.

In speaking with my friends tonight it would seem that many of us have the very same problem and that is how to keep people fully engaged. For example the bulk of my videos are about homelessness and HIV and AIDS, most people cant even relate to these issues and those that can refuse to even talk about, so watching videos about it is something that they are not about to do.

We were all so thankful for any support we get, but with the exception of the person who works for a large organization, we are all very frustrated with the lack of attention people seem to want to give to issues that face more than 70% of this nation. We each hard on issues such as low income families, education, battered women, homeless people and HIV and AIDS, but when we all took a hard look at the things we’ve decided to give our all to we as so sadden by the fact that most of this nation would rather throw people like this under the bus or push them aside in order to pursue issues that really have nothing to offer anyone.

Again, we asked ourselves how can we get people to pay full attention to what it is that each of us is doing? We all can up with the same answers……”keep pressing forward” and “keep fighting for what we believe in”

Today I spent a portion of my day doing all that I could to help homeless people here in my neighborhood. Thanks to the support from my friends Phillip and Lee I was able to go out to purchase 15 meals for homeless people. After explaining to the managers what I was doing I was able to get more and pay for less which was very cool. Friday I was able to pass out 15 Do Something Kits to homeless people here in Hollywood and once again this was thanks to friends who gave from their hearts which allowed me to purchase the supplies for the kits.

I get very frustrated when I see comments that have nothing at all to do with my video I put up and there are times when I simply don’t put up any videos because many times I feel people simply miss the point of the video all together. I becomes a hard line to walk when comments are more on my haircut or something in the background of the video instead of the subject I am speaking about, but I will not allow this to slow me down or cause me to think all people are this way. However it does cause me to really think long and hard about how many videos I will post from now on. The time it takes me to get my camera and shoot the video I can simply do all that I can to help as many as I can.

I left dinner tonight with a new outlook on what I do and a new energy toward the work that I do. While my blog and vlog will always be part of my work, I am learning that I am able to help more people when I focus my efforts and energy towards people, places and things right here in my area.

While looking at my window today I saw many homeless people walking and trying to stay dry or simply seeking a place out of the rain, a place to rest or even a place to sleep for the night. I recall how those people use to be me and I recall how it felt like I did not matter to anyone, not because I had done something wrong, but because I was homeless and in this country homeless people don’t count.

“If you stopped making videos do you really think people would care?” is the question I was asked as we walked toward the train

Smiling I said “I really don’t care. That won’t stop me from doing what I do.”

Double Up

// March 19th, 2011 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

This past month I made certain that I paid more than what was owed on all my bills, I did this because I never know what is going to come up and I do not know where my next income is coming from. I am glad I did this because I had to take a trip to the E.R. and I also had to purchase some things that normally I would not have to. The extra padding I gave myself on my bills has paid off.

I finally received my final pay check from my former employer and right away I paid any bills that were do and again placed extra on them to help me make it through this hard time. Once again I am happy I did so because my gas and electric were much higher then they normally are because of the cold weather we had and because of the cooking I’ve been doing at home. I have a credit on my telephone/internet bill which was also due to me paying more than the balance owed.

So right now I have $158.00 in my checking account and to be very honest I am a bit nervous about this. I just had my job interview and that went well, but even the hiring process can take some time. I am pretty sure that I will be called for a second interview, but I can not count on that job to pay my bills for next month.

Since my former employer did not make me an actual employee, I can not draw unemployment either. This is something that has really pissed me off because I asked questions about this the entire time I was employed there and they acted like they had no idea what I was talking about.

DPSS was such a nightmare for me and I am not looking forward to having to return to them for $221.00 per month in cash aid and $146 per month in food stamps, but if push comes to shove this is exactly what I will have to do until I am able to find another job. With the way the job market is here in California as well as the rest of the nation, it could be a while before I find another job. It did take me over 90 job interviews before I got a call for the last job.

However I will not allow this down time to depress me or cause me to question my choice. It is what it is and I will make the best of things just like I always do.

Today was a fairly quiet day for me, I was home for most of it. Dodger and I simply relaxed on the sofa watching the NCAA Basketball games and then tennis. We went out for our standard walk and came back home ate out lunch and talked on the phone with friends.

It looks like it is going to rain, so we are all snuggled up with a blankets watching Wheel and typing this blog. I’ve already uploaded my video talking about the Easter Baskets and I have even uploaded some new pictures to my Flickr page.

Yep, it’s been a pretty lazy quiet day around out place……..I loved it.

BTW the pictures with this post are from the protest that started on my block. It was our excitement for the day. It also served to break the quietness of the day as wll