When To Start Meds?

// September 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

There is so much information about HIV and AIDS and much of it is wrong, much of it comes from people who believe HIV and AIDS was created by the government for one reason or another and then there are those who dont believe that HIV and AIDS exist at all.

Combined with all the bad information you have the good, but many times even this can be very confusing and even cause a person to doubt. Doctors don’t agree, researchers don’t agree and in all of this are the people who have HIV or AIDS. People like me who have to figure it all out.

I was homeless when I was diagnosed in April of 2008, so for me right out the gate of being told i was HIV positive it was an uphill battle. I had so much more that i was already dealing with, but with all that I was already up against I refused to be yet another Black man on some statistic list who had died from AIDS. However in order for me to avoid this, I was going to have learn all I could about my HIV diagnoses.

Right away I knew I was not going to be able to do this alone and right away I knew I would not rely on what was told to me from the place where I was diagnosed because I already had trust issues with my care and how I was treated by every single person I encountered the 11 days I was at the hospital. I will say there was one person who seemed to care and this was the head doctor at the HIV clinic, however even this was not enough to get me to trust my care and overall well being  So much had already happened and could not be undone.

It took a while before I was teamed up with a great case manager and treatment educator over at AIDS Project Los Angeles, but even this was not enough for me. Google became my best friend, when I wasn’t looking for housing or trying to get things in order for myself as far as medical care was concerned I was online trying to as much information as I could on HIV. I started going to HIV updates and understanding your labs presentations, I asked questions of my case manager, treatment educator and of my doctor.

The more I searched the more I learned the more educated I became and along the way I was able to meet some pretty amazing people who to this day are the very places I turn to for advice, guidance and support. My unwillingness to be ignorant about HIV has led me to where I am now and even with all the information and education that i have been able to gain, there is still so much more I need to know, need to learn and need to soak in and I will continue to do this, because I refuse to allow HIV lead to death and then lead to my death.

The hardest thing for me when I was diagnosed was not stigma or accepting the fact that I was HIV positive. However it was a lack of education and by this I mean education on HIV. The only person who could change that was me. It didn’t matter if I had the leading educators and doctors in the world backed with the latest and best information at my finger tips, if i was not willing to accept it, it would mean nothing.

I didn’t understand how I could be sick, but not taking any meds to help me fight. Each time I asked questions it was met with “Mr. Carr you are ok and right now you dont need to worry.” To me this was bullshit and I needed to move away from anyone who was giving me this information. I needed to fully understand why I was diagnosed with HIV but was not treating the HIV.

Today I have a great doctor, a great clinic with an awesome support team at this clinic. I also still have access to my frist case manager from APLA as well as the Treatment Educator, I still have access to the most amazing nurse I have ever met and yes, GOOGLE is still my best friend. Currently I am still not on HIV meds and I fully understand why.

The other day I watched a video from someone who is newly diagnosed who says their viral load is over 100,000 with a cd4 count of a little more then 500 but what raised the red flags and sounded off so many alarms was the fact that this person said his doctor stated that he would not be starting meds until he T-Cells (cd4) fell to 300.

Right away I knew this person had no clue about their HIV diagnoses and had no clue as what the standards of care are here in the United States. Furthermore he hasn’t fully taken the initiative to educate.

The standard of care  state that the recommended treatment guidelines are as follows

500 and below it is recommended that you start HIV meds

500 and above with a viral load of 100,000 of more. It is recommmended that you start HIV meds

So if your medical professional is telling you that you should wait until your T-cell (cd4) drop below the recommended treatment guidelines then you really need to ask some question as to why they are not following the recommended treatment guideline.

Moreover you should always ask questions and make you are fully engaged in your medical care. You need to make certain that you are doing all you can to stay up to date with the latest treatment guidelines. With things like GOOGLE it makes no earthy sense for anyone not to be fully educated about HIV and AIDS.

The bottom line is this, people who are HIV positive need to be doing all they can to educate themselves about the diagnoses they have. To ignore it and half step around it, simply demonstrates the lack of respect and love you have for youself.

The Need To Be Right

// August 23rd, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Sometimes I find it so hard to understand why people are the way they are. Why they do the things they do, but when I stop making it so hard, the simple answer is always right under my nose. Sometimes we tend to look for the hard answer because we want to really believe that must have some deep seeded reasons for why they are the way they are and many times the real reason is very simple.

No matter what I type on this blog or what I say on my vlogs, someone is going to do their best to correct me so they can feel like they are right. Someone is always going to say or suggest that MY EXPERIENCE is another way. The funny thing is that even if I type it or vlog it the way they want, they will still find a reason to take issue. Now I could spend all day wondering why this is or just simply understand that people like this are unhappy and no matter what I say or do they will still be unhappy, even if I go along with what they want, so and do things the way they want, they will still be unhappy. The reason for this is because they are not happy with themselves, so they run around doing all they can trying to make other people feel just as bad as they do.

I refuse to debate with people like this, I refuse to engage them, because at the end of the day, they will always need to be right and will make everything in their life about being right.

There are plenty of draw backs and downsides to being as open as I am about being formerly homeless, for being so open about being gay and HIV positive here on my blog and vlog. There are times when I wish I could simply walk away or not move forward. There are times when I cry and times where I am very upset and angry.

I knew that by me standing up for anything there is always going to be people who will come for me. I know that people hate me for being Black, for being gay and for being HIV positive. I know people hate me and think less of me because I was once homeless. But even with knowing all of this I am still not willing to squash who I am or allow my voice to be silenced. I refuse to be made to feel like I am not worthy or that my thoughts, ideas and contributions are not just as valuable then anyone else’s.

First Steps

// June 26th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time, Uncategorized

One of the things that I really wanted to do with my outreaches was to make a lasting impression and create some real change. Not change that takes years or decades, but change that one can see fairly quick. It’s been a long hard road, but I am happy to report that CHANGE for the better has taken place and the term “it’s a process” has become nothing more then a huge lie that I think organizations like to use as of way of not doing the jobs they are funded and paid to do.

When I created Do Something Saturday I did so against the advice of people who thought they knew more then me. They figured since I was homeless and in need, that I was far too stupid to create anything that could actually help someone. Seeing that I was homeless they just naturally thought that this meant I was a bad person and had lived my life making bad choices which ended in me being homeless. Well they were wrong on all accounts. The sad thing is that these were the people I was forced to turn to for help. Homelessness lasted as long as it did, because I refused the kind of help they were offering, I refused to allow someone who could not add 2+2 be to be charge of me. I also refused to let this same sort of thinking prevent me from doing what I knew I could do. Here I am over three years later and Do Something Saturday is still going strong.

The very same thing can be said for me wanting to be part of the collective change for HIV and AIDS. The first thing that people said was, “you are homeless and have HIV. How can you help anyone.” One person from Skid Row Housing Corporation even went as far as to say “who do you think you are?” Again, I refused to be told no and I refused to allow people to push me aside for the simple fact that they were seated in places where people like me are looked down upon and not welcomed.

“Who do you think you are?” It’s not who I think I am, It’s who I know I am…..the child of a king and through him I can do all things.

People always seem  to be caught up in titles, fancy name tags, positions, big offices that look down on the little people and all this type of business, but the bottom line is this. People re quick to remind someone of the bad choice, or something they may have done wrong in their life. Quick to remind someone “I know what you did last week” when they are in the drivers seat. They act as if they have never made a bad choice, never needed someone to simply understand and not judge, never done one thing that someone can point a finger at. It’s sad to me how we ignore dogs that piss and shit in the house, but treat humans like wild beasts when they have fallen short.

I recall a so called social worker, excuse me a “unit supervisor” at the Grand Office of DPSS who told me “you really need to give up this crusade to help people. It will get you no where” I looked at her and replied “Is that what Jenny Craig told you when you at a weeks worth of food in less then a day. Is that what Weight Watchers told you after you broke the truck scale they had to bring in to weigh your fat ass?” I went on to tell her that she does not get to decide and has no say in how things will turn out for me. She did her best to get me thrown out of the office, but I refused and later spoke to her boss where he forced her to apologize.

I said this to say this, there is only one person who can hold us back and that is ourselves. There is only one person who can get in the way of our dreams, our goals, our hopes, our destiny and that is us. The life that we’ve be given to life is ours and no one but us controls it. The outcome is up to us. So the next time someone tells you what you can’t do, what you can’t achieve, you look them in the eyes and tell them to “KICKS ROCKS” and you keep it movin’. Don’t ever let anyone determine what the outcome for your life will be, because it is not up to them and they have no say.

Throughout my life everything that I have set out to do I have done. Yes there were hardships, setbacks, sidetracks and all else, but it got done, because I stayed the course and never lost sight of who I am, whose I am and what I am able to create. This is going to miss some of my readers, but I will say it anyway. Greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. I don’t need no title, no position, no fancy office, no fancy friends or a fancy car to accomplish something that is great. I don’t need the approval or a head nob from anyone to make things CHANGE for the better for humanity. I just need to take the first steps, have faith and stay the course.

I didn’t create Project KengiKat to get my face on some magazine, nor do I want my name called in fancy offices, I don’t do what I do for praise or recognition. I never wanted it to be some large organization with fancy offices for fancy people who only look down on others. I did not create what I do to make friends or have people like me, shit I knew once I mentioned the fact that I was homeless or that I have HIV people who walk away, have their sick thoughts and opinions, so getting them to help those who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS was not going to win me anything.

Project KengiKat is about doing all you can for others, not thinking about yourself and going above and beyond the extra mile for someone in need. It means caring without limits or expectations. It’s means getting up, suiting up and showing up when you are sick, when you don’t feel like it, when it is raining outside, when it is hot outside, when you have no money, when you have nothing to give but yourself. It’s about loving and embracing people and tearing down the segregated walls of “community”

I am so glad that I took the first steps back in 2007 even when people told me I was stupid, because looking back I see what I have been able to accomplish, I see the real friendships that have been formed with the amazing people I have in my life. As I look back I see what is possible if you simply keep doing your best to move forward in love, even in the face of great adversity. I’ve seen the people who look beyond my faults, beyond all my fuck ups, beyond my bad choices, beyond my scars, my tears, my hurt, my shame, my pain, my past and all they see is the best in me.

When I look around I see people who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be and when I look around I see the very same people embracing what I have created and working just as hard and many times much harder then me to keep my first steps alive and for this I am so humbled and thankful.

Last week the residents on Skid Row voted to keep me on as their outreach organization even though there are some who would rather it not be in place there. But it is not up to them. I care deeply for many of the residents on Skid Row. Many of them have touched my life in ways they will never know. When I thought of not being able to continue my work there, my heart got a bit heavy, but then I prayed and asked God to work things out and if that meant I would need to move forward then I would accept that. I asked him for his will and not my own.

Also last week I took the first steps in two huge projects I am going to be working very hard on until they are complete. They are much bigger then anything I have created so far, but I am working with some really talented people and I also have my friends who I know will help me as much as they can as well as encourage me all the way. I will say that both projects are things that are very close to my heart and mean so much to me, they are about embracing life and all that it has to offer us.

The last time I created something big was the Million $ Ghetto in Venice for kids who have parents that are in prison, that took nearly three months to plan. Lots of hard work, lots of tears and I was in the middle of my cancer treatments at the time not to mention homelessness, but in the end it all worked out.

Don’t even be afraid to take the first steps and don’t ever let anyone convince you that you can not take them.

You Never Know…..

// June 23rd, 2010 // 4 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time, Uncategorized, video

….how things will turn out, who your friends will be or how your life will end up. Yeah, you can do all the planning you want and do all it takes it be in full control of things, but the bottom line is that you never know. Even the best laid out plans don’t turn out the way we want.

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be homeless, but I was homeless for 29 months. I never once thought that I would be HIV positive, but I am sitting here typing out this blog almost three years into my HIV diagnoses. All I am really saying is that we never really know where our lives will carry us and we can’t change where we’ve been, but if we keep walking on our own paths living our truth, then the universe will always yield and unfold for us, just as if continues to for me.

When I started my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach the ultimate goal was to raise awareness for people living with HIV or AIDS as well as try my best to provide support for low income or homeless people battling these diseases. It was only 4 months after my diagnoses that I was able to do my first outreach to a group of 15 men living in HIV or AIDS in Long Beach thanks to the support from my friends Ryan and Moina. The outreached touched the lives of these 15 men by providing hygiene items, laundry soup, cleaning supplies, gently used clothes and even food.

The outreach would later grow to offer a full scale outreach to the HIV clinic at USC which would later move to Skid Row where today it offers support to 40 residents (men and women) living with HIV or AIDS. In addition the outreach still provides support to people with HIV and AIDS who are homeless on the streets.

Today I took the first step in creating two projects which will help to raise awareness and foster unity compassion and respect  for people living with HIV and AIDS. I met with my friend Brian to discuss  and lay the ground work for a project that will include stories from people living with HIV and AIDS as well as some artwork. In addition I have already started working on a film project that will feature people living with HIV and AIDS.

June 29th will mark on full year of being in my apartment and it will also mark the end of the goals I set for myself and my outreaches. The cool thing is that I reached these goals nearly two weeks ago.

Sunday I had the chance to meet someone who reads my blog and watches my YOUTUBE channel. He explained to me how much both the blog and videos have helped him to deal with his HIV status and how he gets encouragement and strength from them. I was both honored and humbled by him sharing the things he’s been through and how my blog and videos have helped him.

Right before I left for my final job interview today I got an email from a mother who just finished speaking with her daughter about being a lesbian. She said told me she would have reacted in a much different and less supportive way had she not found my channel on YOUTUBE. She told me how through watching my videos she has learned to simply love her daughter for who she is and not to “judge” or “condemn” her. She left her number for me to call her and I did. She shared a little more about her talk with her daughter and how things went. I couldn’t help but be happy for the outcome and to hear how much this mother truly saw how to LOVE her daughter without conditions.

I never know who is reading my blog or watching my videos, but every now and then I am able to hear from and meet people who do and each time I walk pleased in knowing that what I do with this blog and my videos has helped to make things a bit better for people.

My final job interview went well, I will know the result next week. Right now I am spending the night with my niece and the kid while her husband is out of town. I am enjoying my time with them and so loving where my life is right now. I could moan, groan and find many reason why I am not happy with things in my life and even find things to be unhappy about with regards to HIV, but what good would that do? What point would that serve? Who would that help?

It has been said that the purpose of a life is to live a life of purpose, well through the adversity t in my own life I have found my purpose and I am living it each and every day.

You Got It Twisted

// June 6th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

It seems that I took a break from YOUTUBE at the right time because from what I have seen some people are coming under attack from the all the trolls on YOUTUBE. It’s always funny to me how many people place others on this high as pedestals that they will surely fall down from. I guess in many ways people do this in order to feel better about themselves in some small way. Then when the person does something that they don’t like the person that they’ve placed on this high ass pedestal comes crashing down just like Humpty Dumpty. However this time all the kings horses and all the kings men are not helping to put him back together again. They are kicking him, talking shit about him in order to feel better about themselves once again.

It is also very funny how all the people doing the attacking are so called“Christians” or “church building folks” as one youtuber calls them, but when I really look I dont see a difference between the two. They both claim to be “God fearing”, but most of what spews from their lips is evil and hate. How can any of this be pleasing to God? Furthermore how is any of it God like?

I saw someone give a warning to those who are attacking about how God has their back and he will get anyone who attacks them, how God see’s all that is going on. Well if this is true wouldn’t this mean that God also seems the wrong they are doing? Isn’t there some sort of “punishment” for what they do as well? It seems to me that some people think that just because they have a bible that is all marked up, high lighted, written in and beat up looking that this some how makes them a better person then anyone else and therefore gives them the right or green light to attack others, judge others and even mislead others.

I think people who read that bible and profess to know the will and word of God should also be very careful about wishing the wrath of God on anyone, because that same wrath will come for them as well. The same God that see’s the bad that others are doing, also sees the bad that they are doing as well and just because their bible looks the way it does is not an exemption from Gods wrath. I went to school with people who had books that were all marked in and high lighted and all of this, but when it came time for a test they didn’t fair so well.

People sometimes has a bad habit of telling or questioning the faith of others,but when you look close at their own walk, their faith is just as bad, if not worse the the very person they are telling what to do. I mean how can you say you trust God or that you’ve taken something to the “heavenly father” but then turn right around and ask man to help you figure things out? Where is this faith that you speak of? Where is this “trust” that you know so much about? I just look at people who use that bible to beat others to see how what they say the know so much about reveals itself in their life. In doing this I have learned that all they do is talk a good game, but when the storms of life come for them, they are all over the map running in fear instead of doing what they claim to do so well….trusting God.

Yeah, I see no difference between “Christians” who shout about who they are and the ones who are “church building folks” In my eyes they are both pretty low down and do an awesome job at turning people away from the message of LOVE that God has for ALL of humanity. They both do an outstanding job at making a mockery of God and causing people to not trust in anything either of them have to say. Moreover, they both should get Oscars for the performances in turning people totally away and off to the message and LOVE of God.

People should really just learn to walk on their own path and stay the hell off the paths of others, especially since they do not have a heaven or hell to place anyone in and their life clearly does not line up with what has been written in the bible.

It’s always funny to me how people can quote verses from the bible, from gospel songs and even from people like TD Jakes, Joyce Mayers and all else, but their life shows no real reflection of God, nor does it demonstrate the LOVE of God, but they can quote all day and all night. Sometimes the message that God is sending is for us and not for us to go run and tell others. Last time I checked he was God all by himself, so why in the world would he play whisper down the lane with some screwed up person who is only going to distort his message?

How has a message of LOVE been twisted and turned into so much hatred and evil?

If you plan to comment on this blog, do yourself and huge favor and think for yourself. Comment in your own words, not in words you copied from the bible.

Election Time

// June 3rd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Late Wednesday afternoon I was finally able to get a supervisor from DPSS on the line and later given a hearing date to try to get my benefits fixed. I was also able to call my niece and she was able to help me with getting my rent and bills paid, so things are good for me right now. I am just so thankful that I have her in my life to help me out when things like this come up.

I know I said I would blog about “temporary HIV” but I will do that later this week or maybe next week after my hearing to give you the full story on it. Even though I think I know how things will turn out. This is not the first time this has happened and I am sure it wont be the last. The sad things is that people feel as if things like this are not worth addressing for people with HIV or AIDS. Much like the United States doesn’t feel like prevention of HIV through education or preventing HIV from developing into AIDS is worth it either. I love this country and I would not trade her for any other in the world, but many times our leaders are just so full of shit and our laws only seem to really protect the wealthy.

Since I am on this topic I may as well stick with it. It is election time in California and throughout the state we’re getting slammed with all sorts ads about which person we should vote for. Each time I tune into a debate it seems to be more about trashing the other person rather then how they will correct what has been wrong with this state for such a long time. I am sure this is how people running for office act throughout this nation, but when you think about how has it served this nation?

Imagine if every time you go on a job interview you are able to dig up dirt on the other people interviewing for the job and this then becomes the focus of the interview, instead of how well you can do the job. What if during this job interview you could use your wealth to basically bury the other people interviewing for the job? What if the entire process who leaned more towards how much money you have, how much dirt you can dig up on the other persons interviewing? What if you never clearly show how well you can do the job, but how well you you trash the other person?

When you really think about it, this is what our election process is all about. Furthermore it is also about how much money you have. The election process is not about who can do the better job, but about who can afford to run for office and dig up dirt on the other person. Our process eliminates people who may be able to do much better jobs then people we currently have, but because high priced lawyers have written laws that prevent ordinary from running we get people like we see now.

All I seem to hear from the people running for governor in California is how bad this state and how how they will fix it by making Mexicans the blame for problems caused by poor government. All I see are big business leaders running against Barbara is empty promises on how they will fix things. Let’s face it, HP ships American moves jobs that could go to Americans to over to other countries because they simply do not want to pay fair wages to American workers, now their former leader wants to run for office. Meg made millions from deal with Goldman Sachs, but now she wants to run for office as well.

I guess when you want to keep wealth and power where it is in this nation…..in the hands of the very people taking this nation down…..then you run for office to allow Wall Street and big business to continue to run this country. We elect leaders from Wall Street and allow them to ruin this country even further. We show up to our polling places and vote on issues we know nothing about, but then sit back and complain when things do go our way. We continue to elect stupid asses like Arnold and allow him and his silly ass friends to continue to wipe out the middle class and fuck the shit out of the poor.

I really hope people go to the polls in this election and vote not for a party, but for the best of all the evil that is running for public office. I hope we then hold them accountable for what they said they would do for the American people and not allow them a full term to fuck this country over. Just like there is a probation period for people who take regular jobs, there should be one for people who run for public office as well.

People who run for office should know that if they don’t do a good job during their probation period, then they will be fired, but until we know that they work for us, then they will always act the way they do and run this country the way they have.

Friend Friday

// May 29th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Friday started out pretty awesome. I got up early to do the walking thing with Dodger and then home to make some coffee, take a shower and get ready for my day. The walk was great, but when I went to grind beans for coffee, I was all out. I was all set to head out and get some coffee from when I started to fill a pain in my chest. It was pretty sharp for about 15 seconds. So sharp it made me hold on to the side of the table to brace myself from falling. This is when I put three gas tabs in my mouth and hoped the pain would not return. Sometimes I get some bad gas I feel as if my chest will just explode, this is when the gas-ex comes in handy.

I decided to skip going to get coffee and I looked at Good Morning America drinking some water while sitting on the sofa with Dodger on my lap. We like to watch Robin in the morning. I don’t know why, we just do. It wasn’t long before Dodger was snoring and I was fast headed in that direction too. We would settle for Good Morning America and Ms. Robin watching us instead.

The sounds of Regis and Kelly woke me up at 9:40AM and once again the gas was back. This time it was really painful and the fact that Dodger was on my stomach was not a good thing. He woke up looking at me like “make you stomach be quiet, I am trying to sleep.” I began to get up and he ran for the back of the arm chair. This time I drank some whole milk. I knew that would do the trick very fast, but I was going to have to pay for the smell. A few minutes after drinking the milk, the pain was gone.

Dodger and I did our second walk and this time I stopped to get some beans, however I left what little money I have at home, so once again there would be no coffee for me. While I was walking with Dodger we bumped into his little friend Fred who is an older dog that live about four blocks away. He is a huge dog, but he is old, has had three hip surgeries and has the “my hip is killing me” walk to prove it. Dodger loves Fred. It’s almost like Dodger knows Fred is old and not doing so well, because he is so gentle and sweet with him. This is awesome for me cause Fred has one hot ass owner.

Seth is an older guy, oh snap, I guess since I am now 41 I cant really say that anymore right? Well he is older then me, but had the body of 19 year starting QB, but the sexiness of the mature well traveled, be there, done that kind of guy. He is much taller then me, about 6′3”, awesome green eyes, great smile, big supper white teeth and I smile anyone would love to see. He is also gay, single, loves light skinned black men, HIV positive (over 21 years), he is a writer, loves photography and does a boat load of charity work. I guess I should tell you that I found all this out while we had coffee……at his place.

Turns out he is a coffee drinker too and while we were talking I was sort of rushing because I really needed to get home and get my little bit of money to buy some freaking beans so I could have some damn coffee. He asked what was the rush and I told him, so he invited me up for coffee. I was not about to turn free coffee, plus Dodger loves his dog and I love looking at him.

The coffee was awesome, I had two cups and the conversation was so much fun. It was like we’ve known each other forever….ok that sounds like a really bad movie line, but really it was so easy to talk to him. Maybe it was because when I walked in I saw this awesome photography on his walls and right away I was pulled in. We talked about his community and charity work and so much else. It wasn’t long before I got a text and I needed to head out. Damn I was meeting with my good friend Ryan to go over things for my website and blog, it was already after 12:00PM. I am so glad he sent the text because I could have stayed there talking all day. I told Seth I needed to head out, we said goodbye and I walked home.

Once home I quickly jumped into the shower, got dressed and made sure I had some time to play with Dodger for a bit. I’ve learned that if I do this he will behave himself while I am gone. I played some jazz while I took a shower…Kamasi Washington. Can you say AWESOME.

My meeting with Ryan went well. It has been such a long time since we’ve had the chance to hang out. He is now married to the beautiful Moina, who is also my good friend and they are about to have a baby. I joked and said they should name him Kengi. For those of you who dont know, I met Ryan and Moina when I was homeless down on Skid Row, in fact they did the first HIV and AIDS outreach with me and Ryan did the very first official Unpluggin’ HIV with me down at USC’s 5P21…HIV Clinic. I have no idea why they call it that.

Anyway Ryan and I enjoyed lunch and cool conversation and then heshowed me how to do things on my blog and website that I have been unable to do. He created the website and blog for me and now it is time for me to learn how to manage it. In fact July my website renewal is due and I have no clue as to how I will pay for it. I might have to skip a month of bills in July in order to pull this off and then double up on payments in August. Basically this means I will be in the same boat I am always in….short on funds when it comes to my bills.

Lunch with Ryan was awesome and I walked away with the power to be more in control of my website and blog, plus Ryan gave me some awesome advice, tips and help with taking the website to the next level. The best thing was that I had the chance to spend some time with my friend. Sometimes life gets in the way and as humans we forget to make time for the people we really care about. Ryan and Moina are two people who welcomed me with open arms, they respect me and love me for who I am. They support my organization unconditionally and whenever I need them, they are right there. I’ve said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I have plenty of people in my life for one reason or another, but I have very few friends in my life and Ryan and Moina are truly my friends.

Back home I had to return some emails from some people who contacted me from AIDSWatch, I also had the time to send out some emails that I had been meaning to send to people I met while in DC. I got a check in the mail for this survey that I did online for $25 and I used that money to support my friend Jason, who I met in DC for AIDSWatch, for his AIDS LifeCycle ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I really could have used the money for something else, but I know all things will fall into place.

I got a SKYPE video from my friend Leah and right after watching it I gave her a call and we talked for a bit. She is someone who has walked into my life and forced all the laughter and joy on me. I hate every single minute I speak with her. She is always making me laugh, things fly from my mouth, my head and belly hurts, I cry so much when I speak to her and she always keeps me on the phone for hours. Just kidding, Leah is a great friend and like all of the people in this blog she is someone I love and respect.

Right as Dodger and I were about to head out, we got a call from Seth. SWEET!!!! He called to thank me for an awesome morning. I was very surprised because he was the one who offered me the coffee which saved me from being an grumpy old ass all morning.. We talked for a bit and then there was knock at the door. We said goodbye and I walked to the door.

I opened the door to a big box and right away my smile must have blown the mail lady away because she said “I guess someone is happy to get this box right.” I smiled even bigger and said “yes I am. Thank you and you have an awesome weekend.”

I knew who the box was from and I knew what was in it too. I was just so happy that it had finally made it. The main reason I was happy was not because of what the contents of the box was, but because the person who sent it to me is another one of my awesome friends. However this friend is someone I met through YOUTUBE. To be very honest I dont even know how we started messaging each other, but over time the bond grew and now she is someone I love and respect so much. Again, now I have met a ton of people through YOUTUBE and many act as if they know me or we have some bond, but all they know is my videos I put up. This is not so for this woman. She knows my heart, she understands just how much I care, how hard I work and she also knows that I am human, so doesn’t place all these silly ass rules and regulations for our friendship. In fact our friendship was never forced, it just happened. She makes me laugh, challenges me to think and to be a better person, she encourages me and when I am down she is right there to help cheer me up. I am talking about my awesome friend and sister Jacque. I was smiling the entire time I was opening the box.

Now I am on break from YOUTUBE, in fact I really don’t know how long or short the break will be, I just know that right now, YOUTUBE is in the back burner….to be very honest it is off the stove altogether. However after getting her box I almost made a video to thank her for what she had done, but instead I am including her in my blog and I have sent her some text messages as well.

The box was filled with awesome clothes for men and this time I will be able to use these clothes for guys who don’t always get clothes as part of my outreach. There are two guys who are larger sized guys and the clothes I get are for smaller men. It was so cool to open the box and know that because of the kindness of my friend I will be able to help some men down on Skid Row who are battling HIV. It felt so good to call and email the guys to let them know I had some awesome clothes for them. It also felt great to be able to help some of the smaller guys as well.

Jacque could have simply donated these clothes in the area where she lives or she could have just thrown them away, instead she called me and asked if I could use them, when I said yes, she said she would send them. Unlike many people she kept her word and sent them, without fail and without excuse. She saw a need and she wanted to help, she followed through and the result will lead to smiles on the faces of some pretty deserving men who are battling HIV down on Skid Row. Now Jacque lives in Texas, so this meant she had to box them up, take them to the post office and pay for shipping. It’s been over five months since someone here in Los Angeles, who drives by my house on their way to work told me “I have some tings for you” but has not once bothered to call, stop by and drop them off. I am laughing right now because this person says they are my “friend”

I’ve been doing community work pretty much all my life and I know how people like to say they will do things, but when it comes time to deliver, they are no place to be found and I better now ask what happened, because all hell will break free and I will end up being the bad guy. So now when people say they are going to help, unless they have helped before and have a good track record of keeping their word, I simply pay them no mind, so when they don’t come through, I won’t looking for what they said they would do. Furthermore I know not to ever take them at their word ever again.

I grew up being taught that my word is my bond, when I say I will do something I need to do it, or at the very least let the person know that something has come up and I can’t fulfill what I said I would and that I should do this in enough time that will not cause a problem or hardship. But I have learned that people say things only to look good in front of others, only to try to make me feel good or get me to believe that they give a damn. In over three years of doing my current work, I have learned that my organization will always be small and it will only be truly embraced by people who truly get what I am trying to do, the rest will be people just going through the motions or people who do things only later to remind of what they did…..like I have some how forgot or failed to thank them.

Right as I was taking pictures of the clothes and folding them down to go into the storage container my cell phone rang, I looked down but no information was there, I almost didn’t answer it, but I am so glad I did because it was yet another awesome person in my life……AND she too is one of my dear friends….AND I too met her on YOUTUBE. AUDREY was calling me back and it was no nice to hear her voice. She too is someone who I cant tell you how we started messaging on YOUTUBE, but once again I am so glad we did because she is such a awesome woman with such a sweet spirit and that smile will just melt you away. Audrey and I laughed and talked for well over an hour and I must say that I loved each and every second of it. She too is someone who knows the meaning of friendship and she demonstrates it to me daily. Awesome cards, sweet messages, cool comments and she always seems to send a comment right when I need to the most. I don’t even have to say a word, but here comes Audrey cheering me up. It was so nice to be able to spend that time talking and laughing with her, I wish we had more time, but I needed to get Dodger out again and then get ready for Jazz.

I’ve said before that Franklin and I hang out on Friday nights, sometimes Donald comes over to join us, but this time he wasnt feeling up to it, so Franklin and I made plans to go listen to the free jazz concert at LACMA, however when Franklin got here we changed our minds and wanted to see a movie. We walked over to the Archlight to the movie we wanted to see was sold out. We ended up having dinner and drinks at the Cat and Fiddle and then bake to my place where I baked some cookies and we laughed the night away. While at dinner I got a call from another lady who is an awesome friend AND yes she too is from YOUTUBE….Darlyana was calling, but I was unable to talk to her because I was enjoying some fish & Chips and a beer with Franklin. I did however send her a picture. LOL.

At around 11:30PM I called it a night and Franklin headed home. I gaveDodger a bath and then I took a long hot shower and went to bed. It was a long fun day that had some down points that I wont go into, but for the most part it was filled with high points and awesome time spent with my Dodger and my friends.

Real friends are so hard to find….I am so blessed to have an awesome circle of great friends who I love and respect so much. Thank you so much for making my Friday so awesome.

YOUTUBE

// May 26th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Uncategorized

YOUTUBE was my home away from home so to speak, it was and in many way will always be a part of Project KengiKat. It is on YOUTUBE where I shared what I was dealing with as well as sharing the work I created through Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV.

I’ve made some pretty awesome friends through this very powerful medium, friends that I know are real and true and friends that I know will remain friends even though my path is now moving me beyond YOUTUBE.

Last month I was forced to transfer all my blogs from the ning network over to my blog on my website because ning decided that it would no longer offer free sites, even though that was how ning came to be what it is today. That was very hard for me to do because there was so much content there and through the creation of that network I was able to meet and create some solid friendships. Friendships that will stand the test of time.

YOUTUBE can be rather time consuming and many times people on YOUTUBE can act as if they own stock in a certain channel which encourages them to make demands on the person who has created the channel. There is also plenty of hate of all kinds on YOUTUBE and it comes in all shapes, forms, colors, sizes, races, churches, pastors, Christians, Catholics, Black, White, gay, straight…….I think you know what I mean.

For me YOUTUBE is becoming a place where I need to monitor hate toward me and what I do, just today I saw several videos made about me that simply are not true, then there are those who go out of their way to talk crap and all kinds of other things, but what bothers me and gets to me the most is all the hatred, racism and judgments for people, places and things. It also bothers me when people refuse to stand up to it, they simply take the mindset “better him then me”

I have enough in my daily life to deal with, my work keeps me very busy and I can deal with all this evil in my everyday life which is more then enough for me or anyone for that matter, I don’t need to come to YOUTUBE to get more if it.

Today I posted my final YOUTUBE video for right now. I am taking a break from it. I dont know how long the break will be and to be honest I dont know if I will post another video. For right now my YOUTUBE broadcasts are on hold. However I will leave the channel in tact because it is part of my work and what is there is very important to me and has been very important to many people as well.

I know people reading this blog will say “Please dont stop your work” and I will not stop my work, I have never stated that I would, but I think some people get the idea that YOUTUBE is 100% of what I do, when in reality it is only about 5% of what I do.

I know people will say “please keep posting I love what you do here” and to this I say, then read my blog, because I have not once stopped posting to my blog and I know my blog will always be the beginning and the end….when the time comes….of my work and what I do.

So today I am turning the page, starting a new chapter and for right now that does not include YOUTUBE. I don’t know when or if I will post another video, but I do know that my work will continue and my purpose in life will move forward.

For those who think I have been run off or I am running away, let me be very clear, I dont run from anyone or anything, I am just moving on and sometimes when we move on, we must leave things behind. For now that is my time on YOUTUBE.

I want to express my many thanks to those who have embraced my message and to all my friends I hope life continues to shine bright and treat you well. Thank you very much for allowing me to be part of your life for over three years. I hope you will find the time to stop by my blog to check in and say hello.

The universe is unfolding and right now it is unfolding without YOUTUBE.

AIDS Watch 2010

// May 2nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Last week I had the awesome opportunity to to travel to Washington DC with AIDS Project Los Angeles for AIDS Watch which is put on by the National Association of People with AIDS. My former case manager, Tiana recommended me and after meeting with Phil, Elana and Aaron it was a done deal.

AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA) is  one of the oldest as well as largest HIV and AIDS organizations in the Southern California area. They offer a wide array of services from case management and housings  services to support groups and HIV testing. According to their website they are:   dedicated to improving the lives of people affected by HIV disease; reducing the incidence of HIV infection; and advocating for fair and effective HIV-related public policy.

According to the website information for the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA) they are: Advocates on behalf of all people living with HIV and AIDS in order to end the pandemic and the human suffering caused by HIV/AIDS.

NAPWA put on AIDS Watch and while their website has a pretty lengthy unclear definition as to what AIDS Watch actually is, please allow me to make it plain and simply. AIDS Watch is about advocacy. It is designed to allow people infected (consumers) with HIV or AIDS to share their real life stories with their Congressional leaders and their staff in a three day campaign in Washington DC that include one day of briefings, trainings and receptions and then two days of visits to Capitol Hill.

However it is more then just a chance for someone like me to share my experience, we were also there to ask for things that will allow us to continue to live happy and productive lives.

Support Health Care Reform

Support a National HIV and AIDS Strategy

Support Increased Funding for HIV and AIDS Programs

I must say that I had the huge advantage of traveling with the best teamaround, Phil, Elana, Aaron and Jason along with Valerie were not just very professional as well as knowledgeable, they were also awesome with making sure Thelma and I had plenty of time to speak with our leaders and share our stories and experiences as people living with AIDS and HIV.  However I also say this because in our training we were given this paper t help us shape what we were to say, we even watch some youtube videos as well. I one point I told Thelma “I know this channel. I’ve seen it before and I don’t think it is very effective.”

Even in the meeting where we were supposed to be doing some role playing on what to say once we were on Capitol Hill the leader of the Bay Area delegation seemed to have a different idea as to what our roles were. He seemed to ask us to tell less of our story and focus more on the three “asks” For some people in the group this posed a real problem because they were not even sure what actual statistics were or how they could speak to things they were not aware or for lack of a better word “educated” about.

This is when the expertise from our leader can in handy for all who were in the “role play” circle. He reminded us that AIDS Watch is a “consumer”  event and is about us being able to share our experiences with the programs and services we use. If we are able to make suggestions to improve such services or at the very least tie a successful service you’ve used into your story. At this point I felt good, because I was already planning to do what he was speaking about. I was not however prepared to quote fact sheets and things of this nature. I was leaving that up to the awesome tea that allowed me the chance to speak in the first place. After all this is what they were there for, it is what they do and very well I might add. Our jobs, in my opinion was to make the human connection.

As I have stated many times here on my blog and my vlog on youtube,sometimes people in “leadership” positions forget the fact that there are people greatly affected by how they lead and what they suggest as a remedy. One only has to look to the countless times I have had to endure the red tape of poor and I would even say ignorant planning of those who are supposed to be “leaders”

When someone like me speaks up about it, then I am a bad guy, because people like me are not supposed to complain or take issue with things since I was dealing with homelessness, and so much more. When you are on the bottom the very last things you should do is question things from the top.

For example when I complained about bed bugs, shit on the floor and toilet seats at the Russ Hotel on Skid Row, it was Irving Munroe who told me I had no right to complain and doing so is “backwards thinking” and people would say “who do he think he is?” I was also supposed to keep my mouth shut then while he was talking to me like I was less then the gum he stepped on coming into his office. According to him I was “out of line” The very next day he refused to allow me to move into permanent housing at the Rivers Hotel saying “I hope the Housing Authority and HOPWA will still work with you Mr. Carr.” He may have won that battle, but the war was far from over, I was not about to give up, just because he was the root of a filthy asshole.

After the morning training I joined Elana and others from the Bay Area on a trip to the executive offices in the Eisenhower Building, where I had the chance to speak in public comment and also have the chance to meet the Editor and Chef of POZ Magazine as well as other people from all over the country. The meeting was prettying interesting and the dialog was cool, but I was a bit taken back by Rosie Perez and her rude out bursts about people not respect her or giving this committee enough time to show what they can do. Can you say “Washed up Diva that never was?”

The afternoon ended with an awesome exchange with Elana and Valarie before we headed out into the rain to jump in a cab for the Rayburn Building for our evening reception and awards presentation. I was able to get some cool videos as well as pictures from this event. I was also able to video throughout the day as well.

The night ended with Thai Food in DC’s stylish DuPont Circle. I enjoyed anawesome dinner and conversation with Phil, Elana and Valarie. I was rather worn down and hungry as well. I was also starting to feel the slight pain of Sickle Cell and I also really needed to hydrate. We walked back to the hotel and I chatted for a bit with my friends in California and Texas and then took a shower made a video and went to bed.

The next morning I was up at 6AM, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of tea to get ready, do some prayer and medication to clear my space so that I was able to do a good job. I knew I had a full day, I also knew I would be running all over the Capitol Hill sharing my story and learning all that I could to better serve people with HIV and AIDS through my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach.

Two days of Capitol Hill visits was both exciting and exhausting. However I felt like such VIP because  Phil, Elana, Aaron, Jason and Valerie all made sure I was where I needed to be and that I had time to share my story as well as engage the people we spoke with. In fact while I was in Diane Watson’s Phil gave me the opportunity to speak directly about the outreaches I created, Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV. This is one of the many times while on the trip I felt so respected and that what I had to say was not just heard but welcomed. I dont think Phil or any of them knew just how much this trip meant to me and to be able to speak about the very things that I spend long hours on was so awesome.

Team APLA was awesome the entire trip, every question or concern I had the answered and addressed. They made certain I was comfortable and always asked how I was feeling and made sure I felt like I was a very vital part to the success of the trip. In speaking with some people from the Bay Area, I know I really had a team that cared about me and cared that I was fully engaged. Not only that I traveled with people who fully respected the work I try so hard to do and what I have to say.

Before leaving for DC, you may recall that I had my first major presentation for HIV and AIDS for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach on Skid Row. I took a year to make it happen, but I simply refused to give up  on getting someone to do a labs presentation for the 40 residents. While I DC I had the chance to speak with Valarie and ask her if she would come down to Skid Row and speak to my outreach as well and for the first time without any effort I heard “YES” I was so excited to hear “yes” It sort of threw me off. I am use to hearing, “well why don’t you email me” and then never hear from them again and when I have the chance to see the person again, they act as if they don’t know me or what I am talking about.

More importantly I re-learned something I had known since I was a smallboy “If you want things to change, then you have to be willing to do the hard work it takes to change things. Many times you will be doing it alone”  My Ma told me this when I spoke for the first time before the Santa Monica~Malibu  Unified School District Board of Education when I was in 5th grade.

Over three years I have worked hard for people who are homeless, in fact I was homeless when I started, and its been over a year since I created my HIV and AIDS outreach, I’ve always only wanted to make things better for people who are suffering, by creating outreaches to work to restore and foster dignity, respect and positive touch to people where these things are often absent, to people who are often ignored. I spoke up for people who could not and even would not speak for themselves either out of fear or ignorance and this often made things much harder for me, but through it all I did my best to never give up, not walk away and not let myself and others down.

You see in 2007 I was told that my idea to create what I have was “stupid” and “foolish” I was even told that there would be “no way a homeless person could change anything or help anyone” Looking back I was also told that since I was Black and homeless that Skid Row was my only option, this came from Scott a the AIDS Service Center, he went on to tell me how “lucky” I should feel just talking with him. If I were to eat all the lies people tried to feed me I would have starved to death.

29 months of homelessness while battling Sickle Cell, Cancer and HIVshowed me exactly who I am and what I am capable of. With the home training my parents, grand parents and great grand parents instilled in me I never lost sight of me, I never allowed people to convince me that simply because I was no longer “big bank hank” that I no longer was worthy or that my ideas and contributions were no longer relevant. I never allowed that fact that I was homeless, without a penny, dirty as all get out many times, fist fighting for my things and the long nights I cried and longer days with no sun in the skies cause me to give up on me. I came into this world fighting for my life with Sickle Cell, my parents raised a fighter and someone who will never quit even when it seems the deck is so stacked against me. I will not give up, I will not walk away or throw in the towel.

April 3, 2008 when I was told I was HIV positive I cried not because I was afraid or that I thought I was going to die, but because I knew I had to get that out of the way because there would be no time for crying after this. Just like I have refused to allow Sickle Cell to control me and my life, I refused to allow cancer to control or take my life and in that moment I refused to become another Black man that dies from AIDS, I refused to be another statistic on some damn CDC report and I refused to sit by and allow this to be the fate of anyone else. I cried because I knew I had a fight on my hands.

There have been benefits throughout my struggles and I am so damnedproud of myself for not just getting through the “perfect storm” in my life, but for having the guts to create something so awesome that has reached Germany, Australia, the Philippines and many parts of this country. I am proud of who I am and what I have created, proud of what I stand for and proud that I did not break, I may seem a bit shattered at times, but far from broken. I may even seem be to struggling, but I will always make my way through. I may eve be troubled sometimes, but I will never be in despair. No matter how heavy the load I will never give up the fight.

The trip to AIDS Watch showed me just how very important it is to work hard while it is day, expecting nothing in return, it showed me that my labor has not be in vain. It showed me a side and people at APLA whom I have the utmost respect and admiration for. It showed me that HUMANITY must always come before community and before politics. It showed me that my “connection without bureaucracy”  approach to helping people really works.

For over a year now I have asked and begged people and organizations to help me get an art program as well as a a computer skills center down on Skid Row for people living with HIV and AIDS. I have begged for real programs that will help people lead more productive and abundant lives and I have been told “now is not the time” or “we dont have money for that” In the words of the late Dr. Height “If the time is not ripe, then we must ripen the time”

I am done waiting for CHANGE to happen, I am going to always LIVE the DREAM and BE the CHANGE.

Phil, Elana, Valarie, Aaron and Jason, thank you so much for allow me the huge honor that was both a blessing and very humbling for me to go to DC for AIDS Watch. I dont think you will ever fully know just how much this has meant to me. Moreover I dont think you will fully know how very awesome it felt to be treated with such respect, to have my voice heard and to offer my two cents. Thank you very much for showing me a side to APLA that is awesome, something that I Brian and Tiana have done so well.

I never thought my life would never take the turns it did and I never thought I would be doing what I am today, I am so thankful and blessed for the amazing journey my life has afforded me. Sounds silly I know, to be thankful for all the shit I’ve been through, but Ma use to tell me as a kid and even as an adult “to whom much is given, much is required”

There are things and people in my life that I will never forget, things andpeople that I will always hold dear to my heart and this trip and all of you are all of this and so much more, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for allowing my voice and the voices of others to be heard on Capitol Hill.

In close I was talking with a friend tonight and he looked at me and said “When you go to AIDS Watch again next year Kengi, you will once again raise your voice in support of those who are suffering and once again, just like always your voice will be heard loud and clear. Keep fighting the good fight brother.”

When I think of where I was this time last year, I can’t help but cry because the apartment I now live in was almost lost because someone refused to do their job, I was so lost with HIV and I didn’t trust my doctor nor the care for lack of a better work he was giving me. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night, but now I have my own apartment, an awesome dog, great friends, an HIV doctor and clinic that I trust and I’ve just come home from Capitol Hill. The tears falling right now are not from sadness, but tears of great joy.

THANK YOU

Old Blogs from 2009 (September 1-29)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

ME Day

• Posted by Kengi on September 1, 2009 at 1:30am

Today was my day and I am so glad I made this day all about me. If you’re keeping then you know I took all of the morning and good portion of the afternoon for myself. By the time I left for West LA to go hang out with my friends I made the choice to just take the entire day for myself. I packed my bag and got my bike ready to head down to West LA and I was even going to do something I had not done in over two months. Yep, it’s been two months since I have been down to the beach.

Now two months may not seem like a long time to many but for someone like me two days is a long time not to get down to the beach and I have been away for over two months. WOW, was it nice to just spend time on the beach with just me, myself and I. However I didnt get there right away. I hung out for a while and had lunch with Andy and his sister Ana. That was sweet, she is pretty funny and a damn good cook too. She made me a veggie burger, yes I said a veggie burger and I enjoyed it. Stop laughing!!

At around 6:30PM or so I made my way down to the beach. WOW, it felt so nice to be back on the West side and to be able to simply jump on my bike and be down at the beach in less then 15 minutes. I took my time getting down to the beach and when I got to 20th street I decided to take a detour and head down tot he church I grew up in. Calvary Baptist Church.

Calvary is the oldest Black church on the West side and is by far the largest Black church on the West side. It’s in Santa Monica and was built with a full educational center and a balcony which was not the norm for Black churches, but Calvary was not like any other Black church. As a kid growing up we called Calvary “the fashion show” because of all the high hats and high fashion that came through the double doors and many times the fashion came long after church had started.

Calvary was by far the church of choice for most Blacks from the Santa Monica and Venice areas. As a kid is was mostly people from Santa Monica and some families from Venice. Not too many people from other areas, but that’s not to say that people not from Santa Monica or Venice were not there. Back then Santa Monica was a sleepy town and people knew one another a far cry from what Santa Monica is today.

As a kid I recall the Evening Outlook which was Santa Monica’s newspaper, I even remember the Blue Bus or Big Blue as Blacks and Latinos called it was only 25 cents and 3rd Street was the only Mall Santa Monica knew of, there were coy ponds and people knew who their neighbors were. Santa Monica High was truly the Queen of the setting sun and for Home Coming there was a huge parade up Pico to the then very small Santa Monica College. The Viking Marching Band was the best band around and the Vikings were always on top of the Bay League. Yeah growing up in Santa Monica was cool and the people of Santa Monica were tops. Not at all like they are today.

As I rode my bike towards the beach I rode right by where A&W restaurant use to be, I recalled Lucy’s, All American Burger and Main street was a sleepy little street with Ma and Pop shops that were owned by residents who lived here, nothing at all like it is today. But I guess change is good right?

Once down to the beach I thought to myself no matter how much Santa Monica changes, no matter how much of the rich culture that use to call Santa Monica home and no matter how many people move here thinking they are the real Santa Monica I saw the most awesome sunset and I thought, with all the change the sunset remains the same.

While the sun was setting I made my way down to Venice and once again I noticed all the changes that have taken and are taken place down on the beach. A skate park is about to open, but one of the things that made Venice so cool was the roller skaters and the loud and cool music that they danced to, this has long been gone to make way for things that are more acceptable like a skate park, but again just like in Santa Monica I look out on the sand and I see what will never be changed, what will always be Venice, just like Santa Monica will always be Santa Monica. I saw the ending to an awesome sunset and surfers in the water enjoying the surf just like they did when I was a small kid growing up in Santa Monica bike riding down the bike trail to Venice beach to see my cousins and friends that lived there.

Just as I was about to leave and head back to my friends place I bumped into someone I have known pretty much my entire life, in fact it was no way we would not know each other because our parents went to Samohi together and our grandparents were even friends as well. So there was no way we could not have been friends.

Olivia’s family lived on Euclid, her family has lived in that same house for as long as I can remember and after talking with her today, they still live there and her grandparents still own the property on 19th street near Pico. I walked over to her and said hello and she smiled and jumped up just like we had never been out of touch. “Oh my God, Louis how are you doing? It is so good to see you. That smile is still the same as it has always been.”

I smiled back and said I am fine and we sat on the sand and spoke for a bit. She was married and has two three kids, but she is single now, well she is dating her childhood sweetie pie and like me she wishes how things never changed and how Santa Monica just isnt the same place we grew up in, but also like she now works a lot in the community and her singing in the church choir days are long gone, replaced with a love for humanity over community. She spoke about the community work she doesn and how she would not have it any other way. How she was happy with the work she created and could not wait to get back to New York to jump right back into what she now does.

She said she had heard all sorts of things about me from people we went to school with, but she said people that knew me and my family had nothing but nice things to say about me.

“Isnt it funny how some people will always be the same small minded people doing small minded things going through life doing nothing but the same old shit they did in school?” We both busted into laughter and I then started telling her about what I have been up to what I have been through and how things are for me right now. It was so cool laughing and talking with her and seeing what she has done with her life and how she gives back to humanity, how she cares very much in the same way as me and how today was a day for her.

She was in town for a family funeral and would be leaving on Thursday, but she gave me her cell phone and started to tell me her parents phone number and as she was doing so I quoted it to her and we both laughed. So much change around us, but certain things have remained the same. We talked for a bit more and then it was getting dark. I walked her to her car and we hugged each other and said how nice it was to see one another. She made me promise to stay in touch and in fact she has texted me twice to make certain I had her number.

I jumped back on my bike and headed back towards my friends place and I had this huge smile on my face as I rode past what will soon be the new Santa Monica Place Mall. Not because it will be a great mall or that I may or may not shop there,but because what the area means and holds for me. I recall the corner doughnut shop that was there, that served the best baked goods in town. I recall the green uniforms the staff wore and I recall how cool it was to sit up front at the counter and get Carnation Malts that only my grandma could make. The shop was owned by my grandparents. I rode past where Locke Dry Cleaners use to be that is now a loft buildings, old lady Johnson had a small candy store that is now a raw food place.

Once back at my friends place I smiled even bigger because I have tow awesome friends to share my memories with and they always seem to be all ears when I tell them how tings use to be here in Santa Monica. It’s cool how we share stories from our childhoods and how we grew up worlds apart but some things are just the same.

Today was a day for me and it was so nice to have time for me and take time out for me and recall what an awesome childhood I had in an awesome city. It’s cool to now know that I am sitting here looking at 40 and I am right where I am supposed to be, I know my folks would be so proud of me and what I have done with my life and I am so proud of the people I now have in my life to share it with. I love the friends that are truly my friends and people who are in my life because they love me and who I am.

As I prepare to go to call it a night and get ready to go to sleep I am at peace, my life is cool and I love where my life is right now.

Make the call and save lives.

• Posted by Kengi on September 1, 2009 at 9:55am

Community work and activism is nothing new for me, I recall the very first time I spoke out about things that would affect not just me, but people who came after me. I was in 5th grade and under prop 13 our school would no longer offer the 6th grade camping trip. This was such a huge deal for me and many of the kids who went to school at Will Rogers and Franklin. It was the time where we got to meet the pen pal we picked at the beginning of 6th grade and then at the end of the year we’d meet them at the 6th grade camping trip to Camp Canyon Meadows. Under Prop 13 my 6th grade year would be the last time that trip would take place. In class I asked if there was something I could do to help and later that month I spoke at the Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School Districts Board of Education meeting on the subject.

There has been so much in my private life that I’ve raised my voice for and spoke out to draw attention to, some people seem to think that this only happened when I became homeless here in the very place I grew up and love, but that isnt true at all. I’ve always had a strong love for humanity and I’ve always had a desire to be a voice for issues that affect people. Homelessness has only been a small part of a long journey of community work and activism that started when I was just a small kid.

I am HIV positive and I have no medical insurance, but the grace and favor of God I am not currently on any medications, my body is doing a great job defending itself against HIV, however thousands of people are not in the same bout as I, the need life saving medications that help them life longer, stronger, productive lives. Like me they depend on Ryan White funded clinics to allow them access to medical and support services. Without such things these people do not stand a chance against HIV or AIDS

Ryan White Funding is set to expire leaving thousands of men, women and children across this great nations with no where to turn, no where to go, no access to doctors and clinics, no access to life saving medications, but together as a unit, as a caring nation of people we can send a clear and loud message to our leaders, the people we employ, that they must not cut life saving funds to Ryan White. We can lift our voice right from out own private homes, apartments, campers, trailers, dorm rooms, offices or what have you and TELL not ask, but TELL our leaders, our employees that they must do the right thing and not allow Ryan White Funding to expire

I am asking you to do the right thing, make the call and ask your friends and families, loved one, co-workers, church members and all that you know to please make the call asking that Ryan White funding not be allowed to expire. It really doesnt matter who you are or where you live. HIV and AIDS affects all of us all the time every single day. So please do you part and make the call that will save lives, the lives of our friends, family, co-workers, the lives of our fellow countrymen.

As Americans we out pace the world when it comes to giving, we even out pace our own government, I am asking that once again we out pace our government and tell them to do the right thing. Our leaders dont know the right thing to do unless we tell them. Please make the call that will save lives.

SAVE THE DATE – 9/11 -MAKE THE CALLS – 9:11AM

On Sept. 11th, help get Ryan White funding extended past the September 30th sunset date. Ryan White funding helps provide life saving medications and other services for financially challenged HIV positive American men, women and children.

How to help: Starting at 9:11AM (Your time zone), call Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius and your members of Congress and ask them to extend Ryan White funding. If you get a busy signal due to high call volume, please call back. You will be speaking to a member of these officials’ staff and not the elected official themselves.

Please keep calls short and polite. After all, we are asking for their help.

To call Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius, call 1-202-690-7000

To call the White House switchboard and reach your members of Congress, call 1-202-224-3121.

If you do not know who your elected officials are go to: http://www.votesmart.org/index.htm

What a cool day of helping people

• Posted by Kengi on September 3, 2009 at 12:24am

The past two days have really been awesome. I am house sitting for my friends while they are away at Burning Man and this allows me some cool relax time near the beach. The one thing that has been very cool is the fact that I am able to bike ride on the beach. As I said in the other blog, it has been hard for me to get over to this side of town to get some beach time in and I really miss being able to go down to the beach and see an amazing sunset each night. That was also one major way I was able to unwind, relax and clear my space which is so very important for me. So this time down near the water is really going to be awesome.

Last night I got a call from my new friend Alison who is down sizing and wanted to donate some things to people in need. Because of her awesome donations I am able not only help a family in need, but I will also be able to help women with HIV or AIDS with the awesome clothing donations she gave. Plus I am will be able add an outreach to Shriners Hospital for children which I knew I wanted to do, but through her amazing donations I now able to not just think about doing an outreach to the hospital but really doing one. This is really awesome. So thanks to the Alison I am ale to help many people.

On top of the awesome clothes Alison gave she also gave some cool items that I was able to use to help a family who is in need of so much help right now. They have recently moved into a much better place which is a far cry from the place they were living in in Compton. The family told me how the place in Compton was unsafe and not very clean. They are super happy to be able to be in a place where their children are safe and things can start to heal for them.

The Hawkins family is far from out of the woods, they still need many things for their home. Pots and Pans and window coverings as well. The boys also need things like bedding for their beds and to be honest new twin mattresses would be a huge help for the family. I will do all I can to help this family move forward into the bright future that is in front of them. Not because I am so great but because it is the right thing to do to try to do all I can to help those who are in need.

It is very easy for anyone to just sit back and make sweeping judgments about people and how they now find themselves in the situations they are in. However it takes courage and great deal of humanity and love to reach within ones self to try to do all they can to help those in need and do so not looking for praise or anything else in return. Most times when people reach out to help there are always conditions and “cut off” or “I need to know” attached to the help that is offered.

I was able to visit with them and make a video of their new home and take a tour of the home with each of them talking about things they need and things that would make things a little easier for them. When I left the home of the Alex and Ranota and I had the feeling that things are stating to look up for this amazing family but I also know they still have a very long road in front of them, but I am sure they will be able to get through what has been a very hard time for them.

Once back in West LA I was able to jump on my bike and head down to the beach to take some time to clear my space and do some prayer and meditation with the sounds of the ocean and the peace of a dark quiet beach. The bike ride back home was just as relaxing and cool.

I wasn’t inside for more then 10 minutes when my cell phone started to ring with a number that I didnt know. Since I was going to use the rest of the evening to get ready to do some potting of some plants I was able to pick up for a great price I almost didnt answer it, but I am really happy I did because the conversation I had was awesome and once again I know the power of social networking and the good that can come from it.

The caller was from someone who has been watching my youtube channel and is now on my friends list on FACEBOOK and also on POZIAM. He has been very supportive and his comments have always been very nice. He reached out to me to offer me his number when I was dumped by the guy I was dating. His message was very cool and while I didn’t call him I also gave him my number and told him to all me whenever he wanted to talk. So I was happy that we had the chance to talk and get to know each other.

Micahel and I talked for a few hours and it was so cool to laugh and share and have a great conversation with someone who shares many of the same thinking as I and also because Michael is just a very cool guy who is easy to talk to and someone I know would be an awesome friend. It was a great way to end a day that was just awesome all the way around.

This morning I slept in since I ended up talking to my new friend Michael for over three hours. After taking my showers and taking care of things around the apartment I jumped on my bike and headed down to the beach for a bike ride. I surprised myself because I was able to ride all the way to Malubu and not get too tired. I too the bus home and took care of getting my mail and doing my recycling. That took three trip in with the heat in Hollywood that really took a bit out of me.

Since I was in the area I went down to see if I could find Judy and check on her and collect her cell phone to charge it and add some time to the phone so she can be in contact with me when she needs to be. Judy loves to be able to call me when she feels the need to, but she really doesnt fully understand that she cant just simply talk all she wants to. She also doesnt fully understand that she must end the call. Since I am the one who adds money to her phone I am not always able to keep minutes on her phone. I must take care of the things like my rent, bills and transportation cost first and then what is left over I use to help people as much as I can. With so little and the need of some many people, Judy must come in what I now do on a rotation. This means that when I see her I cant always get things like cell phone cards or all the hygiene things she may need. So when I see her I must address the basics. “have you eaten today?”

Once I got back from seeing Judy I had to honor the request of someone who did not want to be a administrator for Project KengiKat and I also needed to do some administrative work to remove inactive accounts from my blog network as well. In do this I thought to myself that I really needed to make sure I was spending as much time as I can building and growing the awesome organization I created as well as taking as much time as needed for me. Today as I sat and took care of things for me and my organization and blog network I could hear my Pops say. “You’ve been given this to do and only you can do it.”

This evening I spent the late evening putting some plants in new pots and talking with Tina and Andy. They called me once they got to the playa at Burning Man, by now I am sure their Burning Man adventure is in full swing and they are having a blast. I got a call from my niece and she invited me over to spend the night with her and her family. We laughed order pizza and now it’s 12:05Am and I am looking at the ending of Nighline and now about to watch Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Tomorrow I will again take some time out for me, but I will also spend time working toward making my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS down on Skid Row on the 19th a complete success. I know that in order for this to happen I must remain on track and focused on what needs to get done. I also know that in order for this to happen I must be selfish with how I spend my time outside of of my organization, blog network and the time I take out for ME.

I’ve uploaded two new videos so please feel free to check them out on Project kengiKat II which is my youtube channel.

Big shout out and thanks to Alison for the donations and support and thanks to Michael for the awesome conversation and laughs.

Days and Nights….Life Rocks

• Posted by Kengi on September 4, 2009 at 2:30pm

This week has been pretty cool. I’ve been able to make lots of things happen for my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS and thanks in huge part to my friend Alison not only have I been able to get things in order for the Unpluggin HIV outreach on the 19th of this month, I’ve also been able to add an outreach to Shriners Hospital for Children as well as an outreach to Common Ground in Santa Monica. Common Ground is an agency that helps people with HIV and AIDS on the West side. According to their website there are about 3360 people living with HIV or AIDS on the West Side of Los Angeles. I have done several clothing outreaches to Common Ground before.

Even with all the headway I have been able to make with Unpluggin HIV outreach many things are still greatly lacking and this is making me work that much harder to make certain this event is a complete success. I have many people who say they will help, but I have learned from experience not to count this as something that has taken place until it really happens. People sometimes say things and then dont follow through, the sad thing is that they dont even bother to give an explaniation as to why. This is turn only create far more work for me and really causes me not to believe that they ever wanted to help at all, they simply wanted to say they would.

Thursday was pretty cool. I was able to spend some time over at my place doing some planting and washing some clothes. After doing this I took some time out for myself. Made a quick lunch and headed out for a bike ride. Once back I got a call from Alison and I was able to spend some time helping her with some things and visiting and getting to know my new friend. This was cool because we got to share with each other and for me this is all part of my growing process and it allows me to have time out to spend with quality people who I happen to think are not just pretty damn special but also pretty solid as well.

Alison is great we spent some time moving things over to her storage unit, drinking Trader Joes Lemonade with sparkling water and really just enjoying the time we spent with each other. This was so cool because I feel like she is able to get some much needed work done as well as have time to get to know me and the same goes for me as well. I am able to get to know this awesome woman and really discover how cool she is. Even though she went to UCLA. LOL.

Our afternoon was awesome, we talked about so much, but the cool thing was that I had the chance to open up and talk about the guy that I was in a relationship with for a very long time. A mojor chunk of my life and how he is still very much a huge part of my life. I think I have shared that he was one of the first people at my bedside when I found out about HIV and he has always been right there whenever I call on him and many times I dont even need to call on him. It was nice to have a new and fresh opinion on how I should proceed with some things. At the end of the visit I was once again able to get some awesome items for the outreach, a DVD player and a very sweet Ben Sherman bag that Alison would like for me to keep.

Originally I told her the bag really isnt my style and it isnt, I am more of a backpack kind of guy, but while we were together she said, “I really wish you would keep the bag” and at first I didnt hear her, I mean I heard her, but I didnt “hear the request” In the past people have given me things that they really wanted me to keep for myself and I have given them away to people who I think need them. However I have learned that when someone says something is for me, I should keep it for myself and not feel bad about doing so. When I picked up clothes from my friend Krystal and Patrick, Krystal gave me a leather jacket that was Patrick’s and she made me promise to keep it for me. I laughed it off and said the jacket would be donated and this is when she said “I would be so insulted if you gave this away Kengi, it is for you. We want you to have this.” In that moment just like the moment with Alison I had to “be still” as Ma use to say and honor the request of someone who truly cares for me and loves me. So am am honoring the request of a friend and accepting the gift of the Ben Sherman bag. Thanks so much Alison. Look Tina, I am learning right?

I headed back over to West LA to chill out and get in another bike ride with two friends. I was really looking forward to this, but this plan fell through when my buddies had some visitors come in from out of town and they were forced to come up with a plan on how to deal with some things they have been wanting to deal with and now are forced to deal with because both sets of parents have come to town. They called me in a panic asking me what they should do. They are both close to my age, only three years separate us and they have been dating…..well in a relationship for 5 years year but neither of them have shared this with their parents. They have wanted to but just not sure how to do it. I simply told them to relax, since they have awesome relationships with their parents and they both have told me they want to tell their parents and both know their parents wont have a problem with it. I told them what they really should be worried about is how dirty their place is. We all laughed and they decided to to got pick some things up from the store and clear their awesome place and get ready for a great time with their folks.

Just as I ended the call with them I got a text message from Salenas asking me if I wanted to go down to the Santa Monica Pier. It was the last night of the Summer concerts that are at the Santa Monica Pier. We made plans to link up at her new place. I jumped in the shower and hopped on my bike and made my way down to her place on 5th and Wilshire. Wow was this fun.

Salenas as many of you know is the lady who I have known for over three years now. She is formerly homeless just like me, but she has kids, awesome kids and as a family they made it through the hardships of homelessness and the struggles of having to sleep on the beach, at the pier and on buses. It is so amazing that our homelessness ended right around the same time, so to now have a night where we hang out, laugh and have a great time and then be able to eat some food and sleep in beds that are in our own apartments is just awesome and for me that is so cool.

The Santa Monic Pier was packed, just like I knew it would be. The night was very warm once again and for Santa Monica it was what most would call hot. We rode our bikes from 5th and Wilshire and then spent an awesome night under the stars on the world famous Santa Monica Peir. The last time I had the chance to spend at the Santa Monica Pier was the day after my 40th birthday doing a Do Something Saturday outreach at the top of the Santa Monica Pier and then spending an awesome afternoon with some the volunteers from the event and my great friends Tina and Andy.

This night was no exception, we had so much fun, laughing and talking and catching up. Ridding the Ferris Wheel and just really enjoying an awesome night in Santa Monica. It simply do not get better then an awesome night in Santa Monica at the beach with cool people.

My night ended with a late dinner back at the home of my friend Salenas, more laughs, candy water and the beginning to Jurassic Park before I headed out. The bike ride back to West LA was so cool and many people were blowing their horns and smiling at me because I must have had this really goofy smile on my face. I got inside talked to a great friend for a bit and then took a shower and headed to bed.

Sunday Dinner for Homeless People…KICK START MEALS rides again

• Posted by Kengi on September 7, 2009 at 2:00pm

This weekend I set a goal for myself to feed at least 25 people. Whenever I set such goals for myself I am always so happy when I am able to reach the goals. This weekend I once again reached beyond that goal. I fed 60 people.

I started my meal program shortly after starting my outreach to homeless people and from the very beginning my thought was to provide high quality meals that would not just feed the body, but feed the soul as well. I knew first hand what it was like to get meals that were spoiled or leftovers from some restaurant the night before. I knew what it was like to be handed a moldy old sandwich with fruit that was beyond rotten, so my goal was to reach far beyond what was being offered

Right away I named the program Kick Start, because I felt like a great meal could really Kick Start the day of a homeless person. At first the meals weren’t really meals at all, instead they were snacks like granola bars, protein bar and Cliff Bars. It was things like fresh fruit and then moved into baked goods. These items were passed out in the morning along Santa Monica Beach.

This outreach grew pretty fast and soon I was able to offer full meals, today the Kick Start program has a new life behind it and already has served home cooked meals to homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS. The Kick Start program is very basic. Provide a high quality meal as often as possible. The goal have never been about how many I can feed, but about the quality of the meal. I never serve things that I would not eat myself.

A few months ago I started a outreach called Sunday Dinner in honor of the three amazing women who I learned a great deal of cooking from, Ma, Grandma and Nana. Sunday Dinner is awesome, because I get to prepare a home cooked meal that is so lacking for homeless people. Not just any home cooked meal, because I am sure there are plenty of places that will tell you that they too offer home cooked meals. But when you compare their so called “home cooked meals” to the meals I prepare, you will clearly see that simply boiling water for pasta and dumping a can of sauce over it is not what most would call a quality home cooked meal.

This was the 5th time I have been able to do Sunday Dinner for homeless people and from the very start they all have been great and I’ve met some pretty cool homeless people. This past Sunday was no exception. Each person I met was so happy to get the meal and then very surprised at what they saw when they opened the container. I recall asking one lady of she was hungry and she looked at me and said “Is it another sandwich?” I smiled and told her what I had prepared. Her face just lit up and she sat up and asked me what church I was from. “The Church of Humanity” I smiled ans she said “well that’s the best one to be from.”

Deciding what I am going to cook is always a major deal for me. The very first time I did it I only had $60 in food stamps on my card, so I knew the meal would have to be somewhat inexpensive and even with this the meal was still a major success. This time around a had a food stamp card that was full with over $100 on it, so this gave me a little room to make the meal a bit better. As I have stated before, this program isn’t about the amount of people I try to serve, but the quality of the meal. Since I had already served baked chicken, BBQ chicken, pork chops, spaghetti and pork roast I went with one of my favorite meals I like to cook. I went with enchiladas, refried beans, and Mexican rice.

Since I didnt have much planned for Saturday and I was starting to fall into a funk over being dumped by that dork, I quickly made my mind up to stay busy and make my Saturday a Do Something Saturday and get the items I needed for Sunday Dinner. I looked through the sales papers and tried to come up the best prices for the items. I knew the 99 cent only store was going to be on the list because at only 99 cents for every item in the store you just cant go wrong. However you do have to be careful of things like expiration dates, I also really dont like to get my produce there either. But I knew I could get my corn tortillas there as well as a few other things and this would help to keep my overall cost pretty low.

My next stop would be Smart and Final where I would get larger items like my #10 cans of enchilada sauce, refried beans and cheese. Smart and Final can sometimes be a higher then regular markets, but on these items I know I would get a great price. I also got my boxes of Uncle Bens rice from there. There just arent many places where I am able to buy the large boxes that are the same boxes caterers and chefs use. The last stop was Pavilions to get my green and white onions and a few other things.

After all the shopping for the outreach I wanted to make certain I got some things for me, so I headed to Trader Joe’s and got some items for myself. Mt friend Alison introduced me to these Ezekiel whole grain sprouted tortillas and also in speaking and spending time with her she also encouraged me to try to do my very best to eat a bit better by introducing things like whole grains, mineral water and some organic products into my diet. So a trip to Trader Joe’s was awesome for me.

I followed her advice and got the Ezekiel tortillas, the yogurt cheese, the mineral water and I even picked up some awesome all natural chicken sausages along with some pomegranated line juice and the organic Trader Joe’s Pink Lemonade. What surprised me about Trader Joe’s is the fact that I am able to get many things there and still remain on my very tight budget. I cant do all my shopping there because I would only get about a weeks worth of food with the money I have to spend each month on food for myself, but by using things like local food banks for things like can goods, I am able to get a little bit more and buy better more healthy food from Trader Joe’s. The other thing is this, the prices are far better then Whole Foods and not only that, the staff is much nicer and far my helpful then the staff I have experienced at Whole Foods. I think I will write a YELP review for Trader Joe’s simply because they ROCK.

I did some of my prep work Saturday night and then I was up at 5:00AM to finish the prep and then I got back into bed and took a nap before watching This Week which is the Sunday morning news program on ABC. I’ve been hooked on this program ever since I can remember. While it has changed a great a bit with the new host, I have come to like George as well. I do however wish Sam Donaldson and Cockie Roberts were still at the round table. George Will can be replaced.

By 9:00AM I was up and getting things going in the kitchen. I had some music in the background and also made sure that my camera was fully charged so I was able to photograph and video many parts of the preparation. I also had the chance to speak with, laugh with and share some awesome moments with my niece, she is even part of one of the video which was pretty cool.

Late Saturday night I got a email from an old friend on my old gmail account that I hardly ever check. I used this old gmail address when I was cooking and catering all over the place. Those days are behind me, but from time to time I do check it. More so now since I have been applying for private cooking gigs. When that she had reached out to me I was very surprised and very happy to hear from her. There was a nasty rumor going around that she was upset with me for not telling her I was homeless, but mostly she was upset by the fact that I was gay. Well that wasnt true at all. In fact she had no idea, the person who told me these things is just a some evil person who wanted to make me feel bad. That didnt work either.

Vanessa and I had lost contact while I was dealing with homelessness. I use to speak withher all the time and when I lived in San Francisco she came up one long weekend to to visit with me and then when I moved back to Santa Monica from the Bay Area she would also come visit and hang out with me as well. We never got around to her coming out to New York while I lived there, but we remained in close contact and the very best of friends. So it was so nice to get an email from her and then even better to know that what I was told was not true but some made up hateful lie cooked up by a evil, hateful, bible carrying, shout Jesus in the noon day, going to bust hell wide open Christian woman who has nothing better to do then to try her very best to make people feel bad. What is is like to have a life where all you do is try to make yourself look good or feel better about the lousy life you lead by trying to make others unhappy. She always tells me how she loves me and how she is praying for me and I just think to myself, “keep you no good love and those damn prayers to yourself. I dont want either coming for you.” Vanessa and I exchanged a few emails and Sunday morning she called me and we made arrangements to hang out after I was done with the outreach to homeless people.

I was done cooking a little before 3:00PM and I was scheduled to start the outreach at 4:00PM, so I was right on schedule. While I was cooking I thought about where I would go to pass out the meals. I also placed on both my Twitter and FACEBOOK page asking for people from the Los Angeles area to join me to help me pass out the food. So many people say “I will help and even if it is short notice I really want to help” but when I call on them they are no where to be found. Even if I plan an event for in advance and people send emails and comments about how they will help and what they will buy, it just never happens this way. So many people think I have this large network of people helping and planning and showing up at each event I have, but if you look very close many of my outreach are solo events done completely alone with no help. This isn’t to say that I dont have some awesome people who always show up for the larger events because I do. Eric, Willow, Tina, Andy, Lourdes, Aunt Emma, Krystal, Patrick, Ryan, Moina and Niambi are very loyal supporter of the larger events, but with such a small pool of people who are willing and able to help I must be very careful not to wear them out or do so much that they dont have time for the many things they are working on or taking care of in their own person life. I also have some people from other states who help and always do all they can to make sure what I am doing is a complete success and I am so thankful and humbled by all of this.

So while I was cooking I made plans to hit the park near WestWood and I also made plans to go to a new area that I dont get to all that often. I am so gald I made the choices I made because I was able to pass out and meet some pretty awesome homeless people and I even had the chance to bump into people I knew when I was on the streets. Each person was so happy to receive the meal that I had prepared and each one was so ready to share their experience and how they were doing. Each one was very thankful and happy to get the meal and every person who got a meal said “thank you” and they were very polite.

In over two years of doing this, most of the time I was homeless myself and I can honestly say that what most people think homelessness is or how homeless people are and even what you read in the newspaper or see in the news is not an accurate. Just like all Black men are not in jail or on parole and not all White people are out to get Blacks, just like all Mexicans are not field workers, not all homeless people are drug users, drunks or crazy. If funny how we have allowed a small percentage of all the is bad with this country become the measure of how things are. Every time we see a Black man break the law, then all Black men are the same and are treated the same, each time we see a Mexican cross the boarder illegally we assume this is how they all got here. Well I know this to be untrue, just like I know that homeless people are not the scum of the earth and I also know that each person deserves love and respect.

Someone said to me the other day that she had the chance to volunteer at a shelter and what she saw shocked her. She was appalled by how homeless people are treated as well, but what stood out in her mind was how the face of homelessness isn’t what she was led to believe it to be. She spoke of the huge talent, education, Black, White, Latino and all else, she told me how kind and gentle homeless people were where she was volunteering and she said after that experience she will no longer allow popular opinion to shape her way of thinking. “It was really shameful and hurtful to see that people are forced to live like this and the way they were spoken to by so many people really just hurt my soul.”

It took me nearly all day to prepare this meal and about 45 minutes to pass them all out. My last stop was at Lincoln Park in Santa Monica. A place that I know all to well. When I was homeless this is where I would come to try to get some sleep in the day time, especially on days where I was not able to sleep at some points through the night. Days when I was so sick from Chemo I would also come to this park and do all I could to fall asleep to get rest for so I could be ready for the long night that I would have to deal with.

Before I knew it all the meals I had cooked were gone, but this time everyone I ran into was able to get a meal and once at Lincoln Park in Santa Monica I had enough meals for everyone there in the park. In fact I had one left over that I later handed to a guy in front of the 7-11.

As I left the park my I made a video and after doing that I started walking and just as I passed the woman who gave me a hug she looked at me and said “Kengi I am so glad you now have your own housing and thank you so much for not forgetting about us who are still out here. Thank you for smiling at us and for doing all you can to help us. We love you Kengi and we appreciate all you do.”

I leaned down and gave her a kiss of the forehead and as I walked away my eyes filled with tears because I know that could very easily be me again, my tears began to fall when I was walking toward people who just came out of a Saint Monica’s Church say “I am so damn sick at looking at all these fucking homeless people. I wish we could just ship them all away.” I wasn’t shocked by what came from her mouth, I hear it all the time and some people even put it on my youtube channel, but on youtube I can remove comments I dont like and even ignore the person, but in life that isnt always so easy.

I turned around and said “excuse me” the ladies turned around and said “yes”

I looked at both of them, each of them with kids and what appeared to be one husband and I asked. “Is that what you just learned in the building you cane out of? Is that the message of love or the awesomeness of God? Is that really how you want your kids to think of humans who are suffering? Does talking about homeless people the way you just did make you feel better about yourself?”

One of the small kids said “I told you that was wrong mommy. You always say mean things like that to homeless people.”

As I turned to walk away I said “Maybe you need to go back into that so called place where God lives and tie yourself to the alter and not leave until you bring some God out with you.”

Once back in West LA I took a shower called my friend Vanessa and made my way to her place and hung out with her for until pretty late. I got back around 11:00PM. I looked a the pictures I took from the day and said “Thank you Lord for all you’ve done for me” I took a shower and went to bed.

My last blog positing here on NIng.

• Posted by Kengi on September 8, 2009 at 11:00pm

For the longest time I have wanted my blog to be on my website and after learning that I do not own my own content here on the ning platform I have wanted to find a better place where my blog can be shared. As many of you I stay very busy with my community work and the blog and all over places where I blog take up a great deal of time, So I have asked my friend Ryan to try to find a way for me to be able to have my blog and website all in one location. Well he has come up with this and this will be my last regular posting to my blog network here on ning.

Now I am not taking the site offline, nor I am leaving it. This will still be my blog network and I will still run it and make posts from time to time, but as my organization grows, so must I. A lot goes into the work I have created and I need to make sure there is a balance between work time and ME time. I also need to try to make everything that deal with work a bit easier for me, since 99.5% of the work done for my organization is done by me. This leaves very little time for me.

I love what I have built here and it will remain, I love the very dear friends I have made and some of you are very much liek family to me, so I hope you will continue to read the blogs that are here and continue to blog as well. I will still post here, just not as often as I do now. However I will post the conversations with Kengi and the Cooking with Kengi videos here. I will also keep you up to date with events like Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin HIV, however my full blog will now be located in my main webpage.

I will be adding links to people who blog here on Project KengiKat to my new blog on Do Something Saturday so people will be able to come over and read all the awesome blogs located here. So if you are already a blogger her I hope you will continue to blog here. If you are new and dont post much, I hope you will begin to.

This will always be my network and I will check in daily. You can still send me massages and comments here just like you always have and I will answer them just like I always have. I want to express my many thanks and love for all of you who have continued to blog and support what I am doing, my blog nor my work is ending, it is growing and I hope you will help me continue to build and grow this site just like many of you have doen since the day you joined.

My new blog isnt really new, it is just moving to a new location www.dosomethingsaturday.org scroll all the way donw on the left hand side and you will see “Kengi’s Blog” I hope you all take the time to check it out, continue to read and comment. I think you all will love it. Everything is located there all in one site. Again I will create links to blogs here on this network to highlight the awesome blogs and people that are here. People that I love and respect.

This is not goodbye by any means, I am just moving across the street, so we will still be in close contact ok. I LOVE YOU and please keep bloggin because I will keep reading. I will also become more active in the awesome groups here which will leave the main page to showcase all your awesome blogs. So get to bloggin so I can now make some comments on your blogs.

90 Day Challenge…Awesome Weekend

• Posted by Kengi on September 14, 2009 at 11:14am

So I’ve started a 90 day Challenge and it is going awesome. if you like to read how things are going, please check out my new blog.

90 Day Challenge…Awesome Weekend

“Unphazed”

• Posted by Kengi on September 20, 2009 at 3:30pm

My Unpluggin HIV outreach went well, in fact it was very successful. After some hard work and plenty of people backing out at the last minute and others showing no interest at all, I was able to pull it all off in grand stayle.

If you would like to read my new blog please visit “Unphazed”