After listening and hearing all of this I thought I would ask people what success is, what it looks like, how we measure what success is. Even in doing this I ran into people who seem to have a very different outlook on what success is and who can be considered successful then my outlook on what success.

However when I started to ask people who are of the same mindset as myself, the answers began to sound very much like mine. I started hearing things like character, integrity, truth, peace and love. The answers that began to come from people on my YOUTUBE channel even began to change as well.

It seems we’ve been sold this fairytale as to what success is, where it comes from and what it looks like and a great many of us have believed it and will continue to believe it without question. We’ve been told that success means a fancy office, a house, a nice car, big bank accounts, 401k’s and vacations. We’ve been told that success is all the things that can be taken away as soon as we fall from grace, so to speak. We’ve been told that in order to feel and be successful people must clap for us, pat us on our backs and say nice things about us. Success is the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with the Labrador or Golden Retriever.

However when we really stop to take even a small glance, none of what we view as success has anything to do with us. It has everything to do with others and things we can collect. At the end of the day, when it is all said and done all we really have is a lot of stuff that don’t mount to anything other then stuff.

Before people had any clue  that I was homeless, I asked if homeless people could be considered a super hero or successful and every answer I received was “no”, but more then this the answers were filled with such hatred and disregard for homeless people. This wasn’t because homeless people are bad people, but they don’t have any “stuff” that appears to be of any use to anyone else and our views of people who are homeless is one of “failure” or “worthless” but our view of people who drive BMW’s is “successful”

I can only speak for me, when I speak of success and it has a great deal to do with how I was raised. My folks never played the game, they never went along with the crowd, they demanded I think for myself, so at a very early age my view of success was something very different then most people I knew.

Going through 29 months of homelessness would make most people feel as unaccomplished, unfulfilled, and unsuccessful as ever. it will also make them feel very much like a failure with many family and so called friends reinforcing this  by turning their backs on them and treating them like outcasts. Furthermore the very places you must turn to for help also play key roles in drilling the “you’re a failure” motto and mind set into homeless people.

This is where I really struggled, because my success, my fulfillment, my accomplishments and all else were not tied people, places or things, they did not come from people places or things, so when all the fancy things that people view as success or successful we no longer there, I was still very much successful. I could still be a super hero in my eyes.

We are so busy keeping up with what others think and how others define us, that we’ve spent no time on how we view ourselves. We are so busy trying to please other people and love other people, that we do not know how to please or love ourselves. So busy looking for others to promote, succeed, accomplish and promote us, that we spend no time doing this for ourselves.

When all this comes to an end, when people are no longer doing what they use to for us, when all the fancy has started to fade or is all gone, when they gym body is now fat and out of shape, when the BMW is now 10 years old with lots of body damage and the picket fence has weeds growing around it and is no longer white, when that house is no longer the gem you thought it was, and that significant other has moved on to someone else, when that job no longer see’s you as the super hero and that name on the door is now a name on a badge what will you do? Where will you turn?

Success comes from YOU and the rest is just a bunch of stuff. So when people or life take your stuff away, your success is in tact along with your integrity and strength of character.

Combined with all the bad information you have the good, but many times even this can be very confusing and even cause a person to doubt. Doctors don’t agree, researchers don’t agree and in all of this are the people who have HIV or AIDS. People like me who have to figure it all out.

I was homeless when I was diagnosed in April of 2008, so for me right out the gate of being told i was HIV positive it was an uphill battle. I had so much more that i was already dealing with, but with all that I was already up against I refused to be yet another Black man on some statistic list who had died from AIDS. However in order for me to avoid this, I was going to have learn all I could about my HIV diagnoses.

Right away I knew I was not going to be able to do this alone and right away I knew I would not rely on what was told to me from the place where I was diagnosed because I already had trust issues with my care and how I was treated by every single person I encountered the 11 days I was at the hospital. I will say there was one person who seemed to care and this was the head doctor at the HIV clinic, however even this was not enough to get me to trust my care and overall well being  So much had already happened and could not be undone.

It took a while before I was teamed up with a great case manager and treatment educator over at AIDS Project Los Angeles, but even this was not enough for me. Google became my best friend, when I wasn’t looking for housing or trying to get things in order for myself as far as medical care was concerned I was online trying to as much information as I could on HIV. I started going to HIV updates and understanding your labs presentations, I asked questions of my case manager, treatment educator and of my doctor.

The more I searched the more I learned the more educated I became and along the way I was able to meet some pretty amazing people who to this day are the very places I turn to for advice, guidance and support. My unwillingness to be ignorant about HIV has led me to where I am now and even with all the information and education that i have been able to gain, there is still so much more I need to know, need to learn and need to soak in and I will continue to do this, because I refuse to allow HIV lead to death and then lead to my death.

The hardest thing for me when I was diagnosed was not stigma or accepting the fact that I was HIV positive. However it was a lack of education and by this I mean education on HIV. The only person who could change that was me. It didn’t matter if I had the leading educators and doctors in the world backed with the latest and best information at my finger tips, if i was not willing to accept it, it would mean nothing.

I didn’t understand how I could be sick, but not taking any meds to help me fight. Each time I asked questions it was met with “Mr. Carr you are ok and right now you dont need to worry.” To me this was bullshit and I needed to move away from anyone who was giving me this information. I needed to fully understand why I was diagnosed with HIV but was not treating the HIV.

Today I have a great doctor, a great clinic with an awesome support team at this clinic. I also still have access to my frist case manager from APLA as well as the Treatment Educator, I still have access to the most amazing nurse I have ever met and yes, GOOGLE is still my best friend. Currently I am still not on HIV meds and I fully understand why.

The other day I watched a video from someone who is newly diagnosed who says their viral load is over 100,000 with a cd4 count of a little more then 500 but what raised the red flags and sounded off so many alarms was the fact that this person said his doctor stated that he would not be starting meds until he T-Cells (cd4) fell to 300.

Right away I knew this person had no clue about their HIV diagnoses and had no clue as what the standards of care are here in the United States. Furthermore he hasn’t fully taken the initiative to educate.

The standard of care  state that the recommended treatment guidelines are as follows

500 and below it is recommended that you start HIV meds

500 and above with a viral load of 100,000 of more. It is recommmended that you start HIV meds

So if your medical professional is telling you that you should wait until your T-cell (cd4) drop below the recommended treatment guidelines then you really need to ask some question as to why they are not following the recommended treatment guideline.

Moreover you should always ask questions and make you are fully engaged in your medical care. You need to make certain that you are doing all you can to stay up to date with the latest treatment guidelines. With things like GOOGLE it makes no earthy sense for anyone not to be fully educated about HIV and AIDS.

The bottom line is this, people who are HIV positive need to be doing all they can to educate themselves about the diagnoses they have. To ignore it and half step around it, simply demonstrates the lack of respect and love you have for youself.

No matter what I type on this blog or what I say on my vlogs, someone is going to do their best to correct me so they can feel like they are right. Someone is always going to say or suggest that MY EXPERIENCE is another way. The funny thing is that even if I type it or vlog it the way they want, they will still find a reason to take issue. Now I could spend all day wondering why this is or just simply understand that people like this are unhappy and no matter what I say or do they will still be unhappy, even if I go along with what they want, so and do things the way they want, they will still be unhappy. The reason for this is because they are not happy with themselves, so they run around doing all they can trying to make other people feel just as bad as they do.

I refuse to debate with people like this, I refuse to engage them, because at the end of the day, they will always need to be right and will make everything in their life about being right.

There are plenty of draw backs and downsides to being as open as I am about being formerly homeless, for being so open about being gay and HIV positive here on my blog and vlog. There are times when I wish I could simply walk away or not move forward. There are times when I cry and times where I am very upset and angry.

I knew that by me standing up for anything there is always going to be people who will come for me. I know that people hate me for being Black, for being gay and for being HIV positive. I know people hate me and think less of me because I was once homeless. But even with knowing all of this I am still not willing to squash who I am or allow my voice to be silenced. I refuse to be made to feel like I am not worthy or that my thoughts, ideas and contributions are not just as valuable then anyone else’s.

When I created Do Something Saturday I did so against the advice of people who thought they knew more then me. They figured since I was homeless and in need, that I was far too stupid to create anything that could actually help someone. Seeing that I was homeless they just naturally thought that this meant I was a bad person and had lived my life making bad choices which ended in me being homeless. Well they were wrong on all accounts. The sad thing is that these were the people I was forced to turn to for help. Homelessness lasted as long as it did, because I refused the kind of help they were offering, I refused to allow someone who could not add 2+2 be to be charge of me. I also refused to let this same sort of thinking prevent me from doing what I knew I could do. Here I am over three years later and Do Something Saturday is still going strong.

The very same thing can be said for me wanting to be part of the collective change for HIV and AIDS. The first thing that people said was, “you are homeless and have HIV. How can you help anyone.” One person from Skid Row Housing Corporation even went as far as to say “who do you think you are?” Again, I refused to be told no and I refused to allow people to push me aside for the simple fact that they were seated in places where people like me are looked down upon and not welcomed.

“Who do you think you are?” It’s not who I think I am, It’s who I know I am…..the child of a king and through him I can do all things.

People always seem  to be caught up in titles, fancy name tags, positions, big offices that look down on the little people and all this type of business, but the bottom line is this. People re quick to remind someone of the bad choice, or something they may have done wrong in their life. Quick to remind someone “I know what you did last week” when they are in the drivers seat. They act as if they have never made a bad choice, never needed someone to simply understand and not judge, never done one thing that someone can point a finger at. It’s sad to me how we ignore dogs that piss and shit in the house, but treat humans like wild beasts when they have fallen short.

I recall a so called social worker, excuse me a “unit supervisor” at the Grand Office of DPSS who told me “you really need to give up this crusade to help people. It will get you no where” I looked at her and replied “Is that what Jenny Craig told you when you at a weeks worth of food in less then a day. Is that what Weight Watchers told you after you broke the truck scale they had to bring in to weigh your fat ass?” I went on to tell her that she does not get to decide and has no say in how things will turn out for me. She did her best to get me thrown out of the office, but I refused and later spoke to her boss where he forced her to apologize.

I said this to say this, there is only one person who can hold us back and that is ourselves. There is only one person who can get in the way of our dreams, our goals, our hopes, our destiny and that is us. The life that we’ve be given to life is ours and no one but us controls it. The outcome is up to us. So the next time someone tells you what you can’t do, what you can’t achieve, you look them in the eyes and tell them to “KICKS ROCKS” and you keep it movin’. Don’t ever let anyone determine what the outcome for your life will be, because it is not up to them and they have no say.

Throughout my life everything that I have set out to do I have done. Yes there were hardships, setbacks, sidetracks and all else, but it got done, because I stayed the course and never lost sight of who I am, whose I am and what I am able to create. This is going to miss some of my readers, but I will say it anyway. Greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. I don’t need no title, no position, no fancy office, no fancy friends or a fancy car to accomplish something that is great. I don’t need the approval or a head nob from anyone to make things CHANGE for the better for humanity. I just need to take the first steps, have faith and stay the course.

I didn’t create Project KengiKat to get my face on some magazine, nor do I want my name called in fancy offices, I don’t do what I do for praise or recognition. I never wanted it to be some large organization with fancy offices for fancy people who only look down on others. I did not create what I do to make friends or have people like me, shit I knew once I mentioned the fact that I was homeless or that I have HIV people who walk away, have their sick thoughts and opinions, so getting them to help those who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS was not going to win me anything.

Project KengiKat is about doing all you can for others, not thinking about yourself and going above and beyond the extra mile for someone in need. It means caring without limits or expectations. It’s means getting up, suiting up and showing up when you are sick, when you don’t feel like it, when it is raining outside, when it is hot outside, when you have no money, when you have nothing to give but yourself. It’s about loving and embracing people and tearing down the segregated walls of “community”

I am so glad that I took the first steps back in 2007 even when people told me I was stupid, because looking back I see what I have been able to accomplish, I see the real friendships that have been formed with the amazing people I have in my life. As I look back I see what is possible if you simply keep doing your best to move forward in love, even in the face of great adversity. I’ve seen the people who look beyond my faults, beyond all my fuck ups, beyond my bad choices, beyond my scars, my tears, my hurt, my shame, my pain, my past and all they see is the best in me.

When I look around I see people who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be and when I look around I see the very same people embracing what I have created and working just as hard and many times much harder then me to keep my first steps alive and for this I am so humbled and thankful.

Last week the residents on Skid Row voted to keep me on as their outreach organization even though there are some who would rather it not be in place there. But it is not up to them. I care deeply for many of the residents on Skid Row. Many of them have touched my life in ways they will never know. When I thought of not being able to continue my work there, my heart got a bit heavy, but then I prayed and asked God to work things out and if that meant I would need to move forward then I would accept that. I asked him for his will and not my own.

Also last week I took the first steps in two huge projects I am going to be working very hard on until they are complete. They are much bigger then anything I have created so far, but I am working with some really talented people and I also have my friends who I know will help me as much as they can as well as encourage me all the way. I will say that both projects are things that are very close to my heart and mean so much to me, they are about embracing life and all that it has to offer us.

The last time I created something big was the Million $ Ghetto in Venice for kids who have parents that are in prison, that took nearly three months to plan. Lots of hard work, lots of tears and I was in the middle of my cancer treatments at the time not to mention homelessness, but in the end it all worked out.

Don’t even be afraid to take the first steps and don’t ever let anyone convince you that you can not take them.

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be homeless, but I was homeless for 29 months. I never once thought that I would be HIV positive, but I am sitting here typing out this blog almost three years into my HIV diagnoses. All I am really saying is that we never really know where our lives will carry us and we can’t change where we’ve been, but if we keep walking on our own paths living our truth, then the universe will always yield and unfold for us, just as if continues to for me.

When I started my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach the ultimate goal was to raise awareness for people living with HIV or AIDS as well as try my best to provide support for low income or homeless people battling these diseases. It was only 4 months after my diagnoses that I was able to do my first outreach to a group of 15 men living in HIV or AIDS in Long Beach thanks to the support from my friends Ryan and Moina. The outreached touched the lives of these 15 men by providing hygiene items, laundry soup, cleaning supplies, gently used clothes and even food.

The outreach would later grow to offer a full scale outreach to the HIV clinic at USC which would later move to Skid Row where today it offers support to 40 residents (men and women) living with HIV or AIDS. In addition the outreach still provides support to people with HIV and AIDS who are homeless on the streets.

Today I took the first step in creating two projects which will help to raise awareness and foster unity compassion and respect  for people living with HIV and AIDS. I met with my friend Brian to discuss  and lay the ground work for a project that will include stories from people living with HIV and AIDS as well as some artwork. In addition I have already started working on a film project that will feature people living with HIV and AIDS.

June 29th will mark on full year of being in my apartment and it will also mark the end of the goals I set for myself and my outreaches. The cool thing is that I reached these goals nearly two weeks ago.

Sunday I had the chance to meet someone who reads my blog and watches my YOUTUBE channel. He explained to me how much both the blog and videos have helped him to deal with his HIV status and how he gets encouragement and strength from them. I was both honored and humbled by him sharing the things he’s been through and how my blog and videos have helped him.

Right before I left for my final job interview today I got an email from a mother who just finished speaking with her daughter about being a lesbian. She said told me she would have reacted in a much different and less supportive way had she not found my channel on YOUTUBE. She told me how through watching my videos she has learned to simply love her daughter for who she is and not to “judge” or “condemn” her. She left her number for me to call her and I did. She shared a little more about her talk with her daughter and how things went. I couldn’t help but be happy for the outcome and to hear how much this mother truly saw how to LOVE her daughter without conditions.

I never know who is reading my blog or watching my videos, but every now and then I am able to hear from and meet people who do and each time I walk pleased in knowing that what I do with this blog and my videos has helped to make things a bit better for people.

My final job interview went well, I will know the result next week. Right now I am spending the night with my niece and the kid while her husband is out of town. I am enjoying my time with them and so loving where my life is right now. I could moan, groan and find many reason why I am not happy with things in my life and even find things to be unhappy about with regards to HIV, but what good would that do? What point would that serve? Who would that help?

It has been said that the purpose of a life is to live a life of purpose, well through the adversity t in my own life I have found my purpose and I am living it each and every day.

It is also very funny how all the people doing the attacking are so called“Christians” or “church building folks” as one youtuber calls them, but when I really look I dont see a difference between the two. They both claim to be “God fearing”, but most of what spews from their lips is evil and hate. How can any of this be pleasing to God? Furthermore how is any of it God like?

I saw someone give a warning to those who are attacking about how God has their back and he will get anyone who attacks them, how God see’s all that is going on. Well if this is true wouldn’t this mean that God also seems the wrong they are doing? Isn’t there some sort of “punishment” for what they do as well? It seems to me that some people think that just because they have a bible that is all marked up, high lighted, written in and beat up looking that this some how makes them a better person then anyone else and therefore gives them the right or green light to attack others, judge others and even mislead others.

I think people who read that bible and profess to know the will and word of God should also be very careful about wishing the wrath of God on anyone, because that same wrath will come for them as well. The same God that see’s the bad that others are doing, also sees the bad that they are doing as well and just because their bible looks the way it does is not an exemption from Gods wrath. I went to school with people who had books that were all marked in and high lighted and all of this, but when it came time for a test they didn’t fair so well.

People sometimes has a bad habit of telling or questioning the faith of others,but when you look close at their own walk, their faith is just as bad, if not worse the the very person they are telling what to do. I mean how can you say you trust God or that you’ve taken something to the “heavenly father” but then turn right around and ask man to help you figure things out? Where is this faith that you speak of? Where is this “trust” that you know so much about? I just look at people who use that bible to beat others to see how what they say the know so much about reveals itself in their life. In doing this I have learned that all they do is talk a good game, but when the storms of life come for them, they are all over the map running in fear instead of doing what they claim to do so well….trusting God.

Yeah, I see no difference between “Christians” who shout about who they are and the ones who are “church building folks” In my eyes they are both pretty low down and do an awesome job at turning people away from the message of LOVE that God has for ALL of humanity. They both do an outstanding job at making a mockery of God and causing people to not trust in anything either of them have to say. Moreover, they both should get Oscars for the performances in turning people totally away and off to the message and LOVE of God.

People should really just learn to walk on their own path and stay the hell off the paths of others, especially since they do not have a heaven or hell to place anyone in and their life clearly does not line up with what has been written in the bible.

It’s always funny to me how people can quote verses from the bible, from gospel songs and even from people like TD Jakes, Joyce Mayers and all else, but their life shows no real reflection of God, nor does it demonstrate the LOVE of God, but they can quote all day and all night. Sometimes the message that God is sending is for us and not for us to go run and tell others. Last time I checked he was God all by himself, so why in the world would he play whisper down the lane with some screwed up person who is only going to distort his message?

How has a message of LOVE been twisted and turned into so much hatred and evil?

If you plan to comment on this blog, do yourself and huge favor and think for yourself. Comment in your own words, not in words you copied from the bible.

I know I said I would blog about “temporary HIV” but I will do that later this week or maybe next week after my hearing to give you the full story on it. Even though I think I know how things will turn out. This is not the first time this has happened and I am sure it wont be the last. The sad things is that people feel as if things like this are not worth addressing for people with HIV or AIDS. Much like the United States doesn’t feel like prevention of HIV through education or preventing HIV from developing into AIDS is worth it either. I love this country and I would not trade her for any other in the world, but many times our leaders are just so full of shit and our laws only seem to really protect the wealthy.

Since I am on this topic I may as well stick with it. It is election time in California and throughout the state we’re getting slammed with all sorts ads about which person we should vote for. Each time I tune into a debate it seems to be more about trashing the other person rather then how they will correct what has been wrong with this state for such a long time. I am sure this is how people running for office act throughout this nation, but when you think about how has it served this nation?

Imagine if every time you go on a job interview you are able to dig up dirt on the other people interviewing for the job and this then becomes the focus of the interview, instead of how well you can do the job. What if during this job interview you could use your wealth to basically bury the other people interviewing for the job? What if the entire process who leaned more towards how much money you have, how much dirt you can dig up on the other persons interviewing? What if you never clearly show how well you can do the job, but how well you you trash the other person?

When you really think about it, this is what our election process is all about. Furthermore it is also about how much money you have. The election process is not about who can do the better job, but about who can afford to run for office and dig up dirt on the other person. Our process eliminates people who may be able to do much better jobs then people we currently have, but because high priced lawyers have written laws that prevent ordinary from running we get people like we see now.

All I seem to hear from the people running for governor in California is how bad this state and how how they will fix it by making Mexicans the blame for problems caused by poor government. All I see are big business leaders running against Barbara is empty promises on how they will fix things. Let’s face it, HP ships American moves jobs that could go to Americans to over to other countries because they simply do not want to pay fair wages to American workers, now their former leader wants to run for office. Meg made millions from deal with Goldman Sachs, but now she wants to run for office as well.

I guess when you want to keep wealth and power where it is in this nation…..in the hands of the very people taking this nation down…..then you run for office to allow Wall Street and big business to continue to run this country. We elect leaders from Wall Street and allow them to ruin this country even further. We show up to our polling places and vote on issues we know nothing about, but then sit back and complain when things do go our way. We continue to elect stupid asses like Arnold and allow him and his silly ass friends to continue to wipe out the middle class and fuck the shit out of the poor.

I really hope people go to the polls in this election and vote not for a party, but for the best of all the evil that is running for public office. I hope we then hold them accountable for what they said they would do for the American people and not allow them a full term to fuck this country over. Just like there is a probation period for people who take regular jobs, there should be one for people who run for public office as well.

People who run for office should know that if they don’t do a good job during their probation period, then they will be fired, but until we know that they work for us, then they will always act the way they do and run this country the way they have.

I decided to skip going to get coffee and I looked at Good Morning America drinking some water while sitting on the sofa with Dodger on my lap. We like to watch Robin in the morning. I don’t know why, we just do. It wasn’t long before Dodger was snoring and I was fast headed in that direction too. We would settle for Good Morning America and Ms. Robin watching us instead.

The sounds of Regis and Kelly woke me up at 9:40AM and once again the gas was back. This time it was really painful and the fact that Dodger was on my stomach was not a good thing. He woke up looking at me like “make you stomach be quiet, I am trying to sleep.” I began to get up and he ran for the back of the arm chair. This time I drank some whole milk. I knew that would do the trick very fast, but I was going to have to pay for the smell. A few minutes after drinking the milk, the pain was gone.

Dodger and I did our second walk and this time I stopped to get some beans, however I left what little money I have at home, so once again there would be no coffee for me. While I was walking with Dodger we bumped into his little friend Fred who is an older dog that live about four blocks away. He is a huge dog, but he is old, has had three hip surgeries and has the “my hip is killing me” walk to prove it. Dodger loves Fred. It’s almost like Dodger knows Fred is old and not doing so well, because he is so gentle and sweet with him. This is awesome for me cause Fred has one hot ass owner.

Seth is an older guy, oh snap, I guess since I am now 41 I cant really say that anymore right? Well he is older then me, but had the body of 19 year starting QB, but the sexiness of the mature well traveled, be there, done that kind of guy. He is much taller then me, about 6′3”, awesome green eyes, great smile, big supper white teeth and I smile anyone would love to see. He is also gay, single, loves light skinned black men, HIV positive (over 21 years), he is a writer, loves photography and does a boat load of charity work. I guess I should tell you that I found all this out while we had coffee……at his place.

Turns out he is a coffee drinker too and while we were talking I was sort of rushing because I really needed to get home and get my little bit of money to buy some freaking beans so I could have some damn coffee. He asked what was the rush and I told him, so he invited me up for coffee. I was not about to turn free coffee, plus Dodger loves his dog and I love looking at him.

The coffee was awesome, I had two cups and the conversation was so much fun. It was like we’ve known each other forever….ok that sounds like a really bad movie line, but really it was so easy to talk to him. Maybe it was because when I walked in I saw this awesome photography on his walls and right away I was pulled in. We talked about his community and charity work and so much else. It wasn’t long before I got a text and I needed to head out. Damn I was meeting with my good friend Ryan to go over things for my website and blog, it was already after 12:00PM. I am so glad he sent the text because I could have stayed there talking all day. I told Seth I needed to head out, we said goodbye and I walked home.

Once home I quickly jumped into the shower, got dressed and made sure I had some time to play with Dodger for a bit. I’ve learned that if I do this he will behave himself while I am gone. I played some jazz while I took a shower…Kamasi Washington. Can you say AWESOME.

My meeting with Ryan went well. It has been such a long time since we’ve had the chance to hang out. He is now married to the beautiful Moina, who is also my good friend and they are about to have a baby. I joked and said they should name him Kengi. For those of you who dont know, I met Ryan and Moina when I was homeless down on Skid Row, in fact they did the first HIV and AIDS outreach with me and Ryan did the very first official Unpluggin’ HIV with me down at USC’s 5P21…HIV Clinic. I have no idea why they call it that.

Anyway Ryan and I enjoyed lunch and cool conversation and then heshowed me how to do things on my blog and website that I have been unable to do. He created the website and blog for me and now it is time for me to learn how to manage it. In fact July my website renewal is due and I have no clue as to how I will pay for it. I might have to skip a month of bills in July in order to pull this off and then double up on payments in August. Basically this means I will be in the same boat I am always in….short on funds when it comes to my bills.

Lunch with Ryan was awesome and I walked away with the power to be more in control of my website and blog, plus Ryan gave me some awesome advice, tips and help with taking the website to the next level. The best thing was that I had the chance to spend some time with my friend. Sometimes life gets in the way and as humans we forget to make time for the people we really care about. Ryan and Moina are two people who welcomed me with open arms, they respect me and love me for who I am. They support my organization unconditionally and whenever I need them, they are right there. I’ve said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I have plenty of people in my life for one reason or another, but I have very few friends in my life and Ryan and Moina are truly my friends.

Back home I had to return some emails from some people who contacted me from AIDSWatch, I also had the time to send out some emails that I had been meaning to send to people I met while in DC. I got a check in the mail for this survey that I did online for $25 and I used that money to support my friend Jason, who I met in DC for AIDSWatch, for his AIDS LifeCycle ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I really could have used the money for something else, but I know all things will fall into place.

I got a SKYPE video from my friend Leah and right after watching it I gave her a call and we talked for a bit. She is someone who has walked into my life and forced all the laughter and joy on me. I hate every single minute I speak with her. She is always making me laugh, things fly from my mouth, my head and belly hurts, I cry so much when I speak to her and she always keeps me on the phone for hours. Just kidding, Leah is a great friend and like all of the people in this blog she is someone I love and respect.

Right as Dodger and I were about to head out, we got a call from Seth. SWEET!!!! He called to thank me for an awesome morning. I was very surprised because he was the one who offered me the coffee which saved me from being an grumpy old ass all morning.. We talked for a bit and then there was knock at the door. We said goodbye and I walked to the door.

I opened the door to a big box and right away my smile must have blown the mail lady away because she said “I guess someone is happy to get this box right.” I smiled even bigger and said “yes I am. Thank you and you have an awesome weekend.”

I knew who the box was from and I knew what was in it too. I was just so happy that it had finally made it. The main reason I was happy was not because of what the contents of the box was, but because the person who sent it to me is another one of my awesome friends. However this friend is someone I met through YOUTUBE. To be very honest I dont even know how we started messaging each other, but over time the bond grew and now she is someone I love and respect so much. Again, now I have met a ton of people through YOUTUBE and many act as if they know me or we have some bond, but all they know is my videos I put up. This is not so for this woman. She knows my heart, she understands just how much I care, how hard I work and she also knows that I am human, so doesn’t place all these silly ass rules and regulations for our friendship. In fact our friendship was never forced, it just happened. She makes me laugh, challenges me to think and to be a better person, she encourages me and when I am down she is right there to help cheer me up. I am talking about my awesome friend and sister Jacque. I was smiling the entire time I was opening the box.

Now I am on break from YOUTUBE, in fact I really don’t know how long or short the break will be, I just know that right now, YOUTUBE is in the back burner….to be very honest it is off the stove altogether. However after getting her box I almost made a video to thank her for what she had done, but instead I am including her in my blog and I have sent her some text messages as well.

The box was filled with awesome clothes for men and this time I will be able to use these clothes for guys who don’t always get clothes as part of my outreach. There are two guys who are larger sized guys and the clothes I get are for smaller men. It was so cool to open the box and know that because of the kindness of my friend I will be able to help some men down on Skid Row who are battling HIV. It felt so good to call and email the guys to let them know I had some awesome clothes for them. It also felt great to be able to help some of the smaller guys as well.

Jacque could have simply donated these clothes in the area where she lives or she could have just thrown them away, instead she called me and asked if I could use them, when I said yes, she said she would send them. Unlike many people she kept her word and sent them, without fail and without excuse. She saw a need and she wanted to help, she followed through and the result will lead to smiles on the faces of some pretty deserving men who are battling HIV down on Skid Row. Now Jacque lives in Texas, so this meant she had to box them up, take them to the post office and pay for shipping. It’s been over five months since someone here in Los Angeles, who drives by my house on their way to work told me “I have some tings for you” but has not once bothered to call, stop by and drop them off. I am laughing right now because this person says they are my “friend”

I’ve been doing community work pretty much all my life and I know how people like to say they will do things, but when it comes time to deliver, they are no place to be found and I better now ask what happened, because all hell will break free and I will end up being the bad guy. So now when people say they are going to help, unless they have helped before and have a good track record of keeping their word, I simply pay them no mind, so when they don’t come through, I won’t looking for what they said they would do. Furthermore I know not to ever take them at their word ever again.

I grew up being taught that my word is my bond, when I say I will do something I need to do it, or at the very least let the person know that something has come up and I can’t fulfill what I said I would and that I should do this in enough time that will not cause a problem or hardship. But I have learned that people say things only to look good in front of others, only to try to make me feel good or get me to believe that they give a damn. In over three years of doing my current work, I have learned that my organization will always be small and it will only be truly embraced by people who truly get what I am trying to do, the rest will be people just going through the motions or people who do things only later to remind of what they did…..like I have some how forgot or failed to thank them.

Right as I was taking pictures of the clothes and folding them down to go into the storage container my cell phone rang, I looked down but no information was there, I almost didn’t answer it, but I am so glad I did because it was yet another awesome person in my life……AND she too is one of my dear friends….AND I too met her on YOUTUBE. AUDREY was calling me back and it was no nice to hear her voice. She too is someone who I cant tell you how we started messaging on YOUTUBE, but once again I am so glad we did because she is such a awesome woman with such a sweet spirit and that smile will just melt you away. Audrey and I laughed and talked for well over an hour and I must say that I loved each and every second of it. She too is someone who knows the meaning of friendship and she demonstrates it to me daily. Awesome cards, sweet messages, cool comments and she always seems to send a comment right when I need to the most. I don’t even have to say a word, but here comes Audrey cheering me up. It was so nice to be able to spend that time talking and laughing with her, I wish we had more time, but I needed to get Dodger out again and then get ready for Jazz.

I’ve said before that Franklin and I hang out on Friday nights, sometimes Donald comes over to join us, but this time he wasnt feeling up to it, so Franklin and I made plans to go listen to the free jazz concert at LACMA, however when Franklin got here we changed our minds and wanted to see a movie. We walked over to the Archlight to the movie we wanted to see was sold out. We ended up having dinner and drinks at the Cat and Fiddle and then bake to my place where I baked some cookies and we laughed the night away. While at dinner I got a call from another lady who is an awesome friend AND yes she too is from YOUTUBE….Darlyana was calling, but I was unable to talk to her because I was enjoying some fish & Chips and a beer with Franklin. I did however send her a picture. LOL.

At around 11:30PM I called it a night and Franklin headed home. I gaveDodger a bath and then I took a long hot shower and went to bed. It was a long fun day that had some down points that I wont go into, but for the most part it was filled with high points and awesome time spent with my Dodger and my friends.

Real friends are so hard to find….I am so blessed to have an awesome circle of great friends who I love and respect so much. Thank you so much for making my Friday so awesome.

I’ve made some pretty awesome friends through this very powerful medium, friends that I know are real and true and friends that I know will remain friends even though my path is now moving me beyond YOUTUBE.

Last month I was forced to transfer all my blogs from the ning network over to my blog on my website because ning decided that it would no longer offer free sites, even though that was how ning came to be what it is today. That was very hard for me to do because there was so much content there and through the creation of that network I was able to meet and create some solid friendships. Friendships that will stand the test of time.

YOUTUBE can be rather time consuming and many times people on YOUTUBE can act as if they own stock in a certain channel which encourages them to make demands on the person who has created the channel. There is also plenty of hate of all kinds on YOUTUBE and it comes in all shapes, forms, colors, sizes, races, churches, pastors, Christians, Catholics, Black, White, gay, straight…….I think you know what I mean.

For me YOUTUBE is becoming a place where I need to monitor hate toward me and what I do, just today I saw several videos made about me that simply are not true, then there are those who go out of their way to talk crap and all kinds of other things, but what bothers me and gets to me the most is all the hatred, racism and judgments for people, places and things. It also bothers me when people refuse to stand up to it, they simply take the mindset “better him then me”

I have enough in my daily life to deal with, my work keeps me very busy and I can deal with all this evil in my everyday life which is more then enough for me or anyone for that matter, I don’t need to come to YOUTUBE to get more if it.

Today I posted my final YOUTUBE video for right now. I am taking a break from it. I dont know how long the break will be and to be honest I dont know if I will post another video. For right now my YOUTUBE broadcasts are on hold. However I will leave the channel in tact because it is part of my work and what is there is very important to me and has been very important to many people as well.

I know people reading this blog will say “Please dont stop your work” and I will not stop my work, I have never stated that I would, but I think some people get the idea that YOUTUBE is 100% of what I do, when in reality it is only about 5% of what I do.

I know people will say “please keep posting I love what you do here” and to this I say, then read my blog, because I have not once stopped posting to my blog and I know my blog will always be the beginning and the end….when the time comes….of my work and what I do.

So today I am turning the page, starting a new chapter and for right now that does not include YOUTUBE. I don’t know when or if I will post another video, but I do know that my work will continue and my purpose in life will move forward.

For those who think I have been run off or I am running away, let me be very clear, I dont run from anyone or anything, I am just moving on and sometimes when we move on, we must leave things behind. For now that is my time on YOUTUBE.

I want to express my many thanks to those who have embraced my message and to all my friends I hope life continues to shine bright and treat you well. Thank you very much for allowing me to be part of your life for over three years. I hope you will find the time to stop by my blog to check in and say hello.

The universe is unfolding and right now it is unfolding without YOUTUBE.

AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA) is  one of the oldest as well as largest HIV and AIDS organizations in the Southern California area. They offer a wide array of services from case management and housings  services to support groups and HIV testing. According to their website they are:   dedicated to improving the lives of people affected by HIV disease; reducing the incidence of HIV infection; and advocating for fair and effective HIV-related public policy.

According to the website information for the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA) they are: Advocates on behalf of all people living with HIV and AIDS in order to end the pandemic and the human suffering caused by HIV/AIDS.

NAPWA put on AIDS Watch and while their website has a pretty lengthy unclear definition as to what AIDS Watch actually is, please allow me to make it plain and simply. AIDS Watch is about advocacy. It is designed to allow people infected (consumers) with HIV or AIDS to share their real life stories with their Congressional leaders and their staff in a three day campaign in Washington DC that include one day of briefings, trainings and receptions and then two days of visits to Capitol Hill.

However it is more then just a chance for someone like me to share my experience, we were also there to ask for things that will allow us to continue to live happy and productive lives.

Support Health Care Reform

Support a National HIV and AIDS Strategy

Support Increased Funding for HIV and AIDS Programs

I must say that I had the huge advantage of traveling with the best teamaround, Phil, Elana, Aaron and Jason along with Valerie were not just very professional as well as knowledgeable, they were also awesome with making sure Thelma and I had plenty of time to speak with our leaders and share our stories and experiences as people living with AIDS and HIV.  However I also say this because in our training we were given this paper t help us shape what we were to say, we even watch some youtube videos as well. I one point I told Thelma “I know this channel. I’ve seen it before and I don’t think it is very effective.”

Even in the meeting where we were supposed to be doing some role playing on what to say once we were on Capitol Hill the leader of the Bay Area delegation seemed to have a different idea as to what our roles were. He seemed to ask us to tell less of our story and focus more on the three “asks” For some people in the group this posed a real problem because they were not even sure what actual statistics were or how they could speak to things they were not aware or for lack of a better word “educated” about.

This is when the expertise from our leader can in handy for all who were in the “role play” circle. He reminded us that AIDS Watch is a “consumer”  event and is about us being able to share our experiences with the programs and services we use. If we are able to make suggestions to improve such services or at the very least tie a successful service you’ve used into your story. At this point I felt good, because I was already planning to do what he was speaking about. I was not however prepared to quote fact sheets and things of this nature. I was leaving that up to the awesome tea that allowed me the chance to speak in the first place. After all this is what they were there for, it is what they do and very well I might add. Our jobs, in my opinion was to make the human connection.

As I have stated many times here on my blog and my vlog on youtube,sometimes people in “leadership” positions forget the fact that there are people greatly affected by how they lead and what they suggest as a remedy. One only has to look to the countless times I have had to endure the red tape of poor and I would even say ignorant planning of those who are supposed to be “leaders”

When someone like me speaks up about it, then I am a bad guy, because people like me are not supposed to complain or take issue with things since I was dealing with homelessness, and so much more. When you are on the bottom the very last things you should do is question things from the top.

For example when I complained about bed bugs, shit on the floor and toilet seats at the Russ Hotel on Skid Row, it was Irving Munroe who told me I had no right to complain and doing so is “backwards thinking” and people would say “who do he think he is?” I was also supposed to keep my mouth shut then while he was talking to me like I was less then the gum he stepped on coming into his office. According to him I was “out of line” The very next day he refused to allow me to move into permanent housing at the Rivers Hotel saying “I hope the Housing Authority and HOPWA will still work with you Mr. Carr.” He may have won that battle, but the war was far from over, I was not about to give up, just because he was the root of a filthy asshole.

After the morning training I joined Elana and others from the Bay Area on a trip to the executive offices in the Eisenhower Building, where I had the chance to speak in public comment and also have the chance to meet the Editor and Chef of POZ Magazine as well as other people from all over the country. The meeting was prettying interesting and the dialog was cool, but I was a bit taken back by Rosie Perez and her rude out bursts about people not respect her or giving this committee enough time to show what they can do. Can you say “Washed up Diva that never was?”

The afternoon ended with an awesome exchange with Elana and Valarie before we headed out into the rain to jump in a cab for the Rayburn Building for our evening reception and awards presentation. I was able to get some cool videos as well as pictures from this event. I was also able to video throughout the day as well.

The night ended with Thai Food in DC’s stylish DuPont Circle. I enjoyed anawesome dinner and conversation with Phil, Elana and Valarie. I was rather worn down and hungry as well. I was also starting to feel the slight pain of Sickle Cell and I also really needed to hydrate. We walked back to the hotel and I chatted for a bit with my friends in California and Texas and then took a shower made a video and went to bed.

The next morning I was up at 6AM, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of tea to get ready, do some prayer and medication to clear my space so that I was able to do a good job. I knew I had a full day, I also knew I would be running all over the Capitol Hill sharing my story and learning all that I could to better serve people with HIV and AIDS through my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach.

Two days of Capitol Hill visits was both exciting and exhausting. However I felt like such VIP because  Phil, Elana, Aaron, Jason and Valerie all made sure I was where I needed to be and that I had time to share my story as well as engage the people we spoke with. In fact while I was in Diane Watson’s Phil gave me the opportunity to speak directly about the outreaches I created, Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV. This is one of the many times while on the trip I felt so respected and that what I had to say was not just heard but welcomed. I dont think Phil or any of them knew just how much this trip meant to me and to be able to speak about the very things that I spend long hours on was so awesome.

Team APLA was awesome the entire trip, every question or concern I had the answered and addressed. They made certain I was comfortable and always asked how I was feeling and made sure I felt like I was a very vital part to the success of the trip. In speaking with some people from the Bay Area, I know I really had a team that cared about me and cared that I was fully engaged. Not only that I traveled with people who fully respected the work I try so hard to do and what I have to say.

Before leaving for DC, you may recall that I had my first major presentation for HIV and AIDS for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach on Skid Row. I took a year to make it happen, but I simply refused to give up  on getting someone to do a labs presentation for the 40 residents. While I DC I had the chance to speak with Valarie and ask her if she would come down to Skid Row and speak to my outreach as well and for the first time without any effort I heard “YES” I was so excited to hear “yes” It sort of threw me off. I am use to hearing, “well why don’t you email me” and then never hear from them again and when I have the chance to see the person again, they act as if they don’t know me or what I am talking about.

More importantly I re-learned something I had known since I was a smallboy “If you want things to change, then you have to be willing to do the hard work it takes to change things. Many times you will be doing it alone”  My Ma told me this when I spoke for the first time before the Santa Monica~Malibu  Unified School District Board of Education when I was in 5th grade.

Over three years I have worked hard for people who are homeless, in fact I was homeless when I started, and its been over a year since I created my HIV and AIDS outreach, I’ve always only wanted to make things better for people who are suffering, by creating outreaches to work to restore and foster dignity, respect and positive touch to people where these things are often absent, to people who are often ignored. I spoke up for people who could not and even would not speak for themselves either out of fear or ignorance and this often made things much harder for me, but through it all I did my best to never give up, not walk away and not let myself and others down.

You see in 2007 I was told that my idea to create what I have was “stupid” and “foolish” I was even told that there would be “no way a homeless person could change anything or help anyone” Looking back I was also told that since I was Black and homeless that Skid Row was my only option, this came from Scott a the AIDS Service Center, he went on to tell me how “lucky” I should feel just talking with him. If I were to eat all the lies people tried to feed me I would have starved to death.

29 months of homelessness while battling Sickle Cell, Cancer and HIVshowed me exactly who I am and what I am capable of. With the home training my parents, grand parents and great grand parents instilled in me I never lost sight of me, I never allowed people to convince me that simply because I was no longer “big bank hank” that I no longer was worthy or that my ideas and contributions were no longer relevant. I never allowed that fact that I was homeless, without a penny, dirty as all get out many times, fist fighting for my things and the long nights I cried and longer days with no sun in the skies cause me to give up on me. I came into this world fighting for my life with Sickle Cell, my parents raised a fighter and someone who will never quit even when it seems the deck is so stacked against me. I will not give up, I will not walk away or throw in the towel.

April 3, 2008 when I was told I was HIV positive I cried not because I was afraid or that I thought I was going to die, but because I knew I had to get that out of the way because there would be no time for crying after this. Just like I have refused to allow Sickle Cell to control me and my life, I refused to allow cancer to control or take my life and in that moment I refused to become another Black man that dies from AIDS, I refused to be another statistic on some damn CDC report and I refused to sit by and allow this to be the fate of anyone else. I cried because I knew I had a fight on my hands.

There have been benefits throughout my struggles and I am so damnedproud of myself for not just getting through the “perfect storm” in my life, but for having the guts to create something so awesome that has reached Germany, Australia, the Philippines and many parts of this country. I am proud of who I am and what I have created, proud of what I stand for and proud that I did not break, I may seem a bit shattered at times, but far from broken. I may even seem be to struggling, but I will always make my way through. I may eve be troubled sometimes, but I will never be in despair. No matter how heavy the load I will never give up the fight.

The trip to AIDS Watch showed me just how very important it is to work hard while it is day, expecting nothing in return, it showed me that my labor has not be in vain. It showed me a side and people at APLA whom I have the utmost respect and admiration for. It showed me that HUMANITY must always come before community and before politics. It showed me that my “connection without bureaucracy”  approach to helping people really works.

For over a year now I have asked and begged people and organizations to help me get an art program as well as a a computer skills center down on Skid Row for people living with HIV and AIDS. I have begged for real programs that will help people lead more productive and abundant lives and I have been told “now is not the time” or “we dont have money for that” In the words of the late Dr. Height “If the time is not ripe, then we must ripen the time”

I am done waiting for CHANGE to happen, I am going to always LIVE the DREAM and BE the CHANGE.

Phil, Elana, Valarie, Aaron and Jason, thank you so much for allow me the huge honor that was both a blessing and very humbling for me to go to DC for AIDS Watch. I dont think you will ever fully know just how much this has meant to me. Moreover I dont think you will fully know how very awesome it felt to be treated with such respect, to have my voice heard and to offer my two cents. Thank you very much for showing me a side to APLA that is awesome, something that I Brian and Tiana have done so well.

I never thought my life would never take the turns it did and I never thought I would be doing what I am today, I am so thankful and blessed for the amazing journey my life has afforded me. Sounds silly I know, to be thankful for all the shit I’ve been through, but Ma use to tell me as a kid and even as an adult “to whom much is given, much is required”

There are things and people in my life that I will never forget, things andpeople that I will always hold dear to my heart and this trip and all of you are all of this and so much more, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for allowing my voice and the voices of others to be heard on Capitol Hill.

In close I was talking with a friend tonight and he looked at me and said “When you go to AIDS Watch again next year Kengi, you will once again raise your voice in support of those who are suffering and once again, just like always your voice will be heard loud and clear. Keep fighting the good fight brother.”

When I think of where I was this time last year, I can’t help but cry because the apartment I now live in was almost lost because someone refused to do their job, I was so lost with HIV and I didn’t trust my doctor nor the care for lack of a better work he was giving me. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night, but now I have my own apartment, an awesome dog, great friends, an HIV doctor and clinic that I trust and I’ve just come home from Capitol Hill. The tears falling right now are not from sadness, but tears of great joy.

THANK YOU