Project Kengikat

Cooking for Holidays

// September 26th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

As we approach the time year with most people are thinking about family and how they will show them how much they love and care, as we make our plans to have dinner with loved ones, friends and in some cases even alone, I am hoping that each of you will take some time to consider those who dont have a family or friends that they will be spending the holidays with. They will not be making any travel plans, nor will they be driving across town to be with those who care for them.

Already I am working hard toward both these goals and I know as long as there is a God I will be able to do both outreaches. However as many of you know I am on a very low income, so there is no way I will be able to do this without the help of all my supporters, so I am hoping that each of you will do all you can to make this happen.

As many of you know cooking is what I have done most of my life and it is a huge part of my outreaches to both homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS. This will not be the first time I have planned a holiday dinner for people in need. Back on 2007 for Easter I planned and with the the help of some very cool people fed over 150 people an Easter Dinner. Since that tine I have cooked several meals for homeless people and for low income families.

I love what I have created and I love the people I serve. My outreaches are about love and respect and restoring dignity and pride to people who go without. With each outreach I do, I see the smiles and hear the heart felt thanks for the people who receive it.

The Wedding

// September 26th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Today was a really nice day. I was up early to get in a bike ride and then I hit the gym. After the gym I came home and relaxed and tried to get myself prepared for the rest of my day. Today was a big day for two very special people in my life and I wanted to make sure I was feeling good enough to be able to attend. My Sickle Cell has been bugging me a bit and I am not sure why. There is some stress in my life, but no I would like to think I have it under control.

After the gym I came home ran a hot bath and I soaked for about an hour and then I stood up and took a long cold shower. I had already shaved the night before and even gave myself a facial so there I didnt have to worry about any of this. My goal was to get calm and get my Sickle Cell in check and that is just what I was able to do.

After I got out of the shower I spent some time listening to some of my favorite music, Jazz and Gospel and after a while of just laying on my bed and clearing my space I was ready to start getting dressed. Plus the fact that my niece called to make sure I was feeling up to it and also spent some time making me laugh was a huge help to.

Today was the wedding of my good friends Ryan and Moina and at first I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it, because I didn’t have anything to wear to a wedding, but thanks to my niece that was taken care of so I was able to be there for their big day. And what a big day it was.

The wedding was awesome, the church was decorated with red roses and two beautiful center pieces in the front of the church. Ryan was handsome and Moina was simply beautiful. It was hard to hear her speak her vows, but I am sure this is because she was so overwhelmed with happiness and joy. Her face was simply glowing when she faced the many people who filled the church in Burbank.

Other people I know were there as well and I had the huge honor of introducing them to my niece, Eric, Willow, Pam, Greg and Greg Jr. The wedding was awesome and the cool thing was that they took communion before the sealed their awesome day with a kiss.

Just seeing them walk down the aisle towards the back of the church was awesome and the smiles on their faces were simply a true testament of just how good God truly is. I was able to shake Ryans hand and even had the chance to hug Moina and tell her how beautiful she was.

For me that was the end of my day, my Sickle Cell really started to kick in while inside the church and I needed to get home and get some rest, so we were unable to attend the reception. My friend Eric texed to see where I was and I told him I wasn’t feeling well and had to go. I’ve been in bed since I got home 2 and half hours ago.

Moina and Ryan I wish you both all the best that God has to offer, all the joy, favor and fullness of God. Your wedding was simply spectacular and you both were glowing. Thank you so much for allowing me to share this very special day with you and your families. I am so humbled and honored to have been offered the opportunity, just as I am honored, humbled and so richly blessed to have you both in my life.

May the fullness of God always shine on you both and may your life together be filled with the fullness and favor of God. I love you both,

God bless you both and may God bless your wonderful union.

Love your brother in Christ,

Kengi

Be Well

// September 26th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I really have not done too much for my organization this week, I have not spent the normal amount of time that I do on making sure others are taken care of like I normally do. However I did do some work on the upcoming events that I have.

Sunday I got a visit from two people who have been so much of a blessing in my life and they are one of the reasons I did not give up when I was down on Skid Row, they are also the two people who helped me get my website up and going and they are also the two people who helped me with my very first HIV outreach way back before I even had a name for it. Had it not been for them, their kind friends and all the donations I go, the outreach would not have been possible. Ryan was also there when I did the outreach to USC’s HIV clinic, in fact, once again if it had not been for him the event would not have happened. Not only was he one of two volunteers, he also picked me up so that I was able to get the food and other items there.

Ryan and Moina came into my life right when God knew it was time. I was down on Skid Row and I was really getting depressed. Housing was at a stand still and I was also fighting for my things, there were bed bugs in my bed and there wasn’t one single morning where I didn’t find human waste in the halls and all over the toilets. There wasn’t a night that I didn’t see someone using drugs and drinking inside a building where I was supposed to be safe. A place where the AIDS Service Center was my only option and the place where the Gay and Lesbian Center said was my only hope.  I was in the heart of Skid Row and while there may be fancy, high priced lofts with fancy people living in them on the rim of Skid Row, it is simply not a safe place. There certainly aren’t many options and hope is the last thing that comes to mind. More like despair.

It was awesome to see them, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, the last time was about twomonths before I got my apartment, so having the chance to see the both of them was so awesome. They are getting married tomorrow and they have been very busy getting ready for that, so our visit was short, but just the chance to see tow people who I know love me and two people who reached out their hands to me in love and respect in a time when I was so very alone, isolated and getting more depressed with each day, was so nice….no it was a blessing.

During the visit Ryan and Moina had a box with dress shirts and hygiene items for Do Something or Life Kits, thanks to this kind donation I was about to put together 15 Life Kits and 6 Do Something Kits. The Life Kits went to Bart at Being Alive, I had plans to give some to AIDS Project Los Angeles, but after not being able to make contact with the person I give them to and after another person did not show for the interview I had set and confirmed with him, I gave the remaining Life Kits to Bart while I was at the HIV support group.  The shirts that Ryan gave will be used for the next Unpluggin HIV outreach to the 40 residents on Skid Row in November when I will return with a holiday meal the weekend after Thanksgiving.

The other blessing is it is because of Ryan and Moina that I know Eric and Willow who are also two amazing friends and such a huge blessing to me and my organization. God said he will supply what I need and in these four people he has done just that and then some.

Monday I started my day with a bowl of Oatmeal and then I had a busy day, but right as I was about to walk out I got a box from my new friend Michael from Texas who had wanted to send things for the outreach down on Skid Row, but we were unable to connect, but just like I knew he would, he kept his word and sent the items he said he would. I sat the box on the table and headed out. I needed to make sure I was on time for my appointment with Tiana to turn in the final paperwork that I had been calling about but not getting called back. It was cool that I have the relationship that I have with her, because I was able to turn them in to her and get that part behind me and close the chapter on AIDS Project Los Angeles once and for all.

When I got back home I opened the box that I got from Michael and inside where these awesome clothes for my Unpluggin HIV outreach. I was really blown away buy what he sent. Michael is new in my life, but has been watching my youtube channel for sometime, he is now a member of POZIAM and on my friends list there as well as on FACEBOOK. The two of us have shared some really cool conversations and late night laughs on the phone. Michael is so funny and each time we talk I need to make certain I am not eating or drinking anything because it will be all over the place. He is just a funny guy. More then this he is real and what we’ve shared in the short time I have known him makes me smile each time I think of him.

I worked on getting a form letter ready to go in the mail asking for help with the outreach in November, but I really didnt get that done, I also started a letter for my friends who I know will support me in the huge effort to “be of service” to the residents down on Skid Row. I even went by and saw Yvette at the building and dropped off two bags of items for the one awesome woman who lives there. It was such a nice surprise to get a phone call from her the next day saying “thank you” for the items and then even have one of the guys join my blog network as well. This just send me a clear message that what I do, no matter how small it is or how insignificant it may seem to others, it means the world to the people I try very hard to love and respect and this is the very reason I will never stop doing all I can as long as God allows me to be here to help people.

Most of the week was about me and I haven’t taken more then a day for myself in such a ling time, so for me to spend about 90% of this week concentrating on me was very different for me. I made a clear choice not to allow my time at the gym to sidelined and I even said “no” plenty of times and I am not sorry for it. Bubble baths, reading my E. Lynn Harris book and bike riding were also things I made sure I made time for. I also went hiking two times this week and that felt great too.

Catching up with friends, sleeping late, not checking in on places where I blog, letting people know that I am not going to take their crap and even some planting and bible study too. In all it was pretty much a full week for me, with some parts of work thrown in.

Thursday was the main day where I spent a huge part of the day working and doing things for my organization. I spent two hours getting ready for what was supposed to be my interview for Conversations with Kengi, but the person didn’t show, I passed out Do Something Kits to a group of homeless guys who just happen to be gay and I had the chance to share my wisdom and insight with one of them. I almost let the fact that this person didnt show or call cause me to be upset and take on their issue, I almost didnt stay for the HIV support group. Notice I said almost. They were not going to get that power, because I wasnt going to let them have it. I thought to myself “KICK ROCKS” and I then laughed

I am glad I stayed for the group, because I had the chance to share my 90 Days of Loving Me journey that I am doing with these awesome from youtube and after the group I had the chance to talk with two guys and also be support to a guy who is dealing with some things pertaining to HIV, his doctor and the level of care he is getting. I wouldn’t even call it a level of care, more like lack thereof.

When I got home I was greeted with 12 nasty comments on my youtube channel and 3 nasty emails. One of them made my eyes tear because it came from someone I trust and love, how does the song go “one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your friends. Well I took that power back too. After a few tears I said “no” returned the email and moved on. I later got a call from my cousin who told me my Aunt was sick and this really put me is a low space, because this Aunt is very dear to me, thank God my friend called to snap me out of it and in no time I was laughing  and ready to call my cousin and that was awesome too. Please keep my Aunt in your prayers. Ask that God give her his peace whatever that may be.

I was really looking forward to this morning, Friday, because I had a date with my friend Krystal and I was so looking forward to this. Man was that fun. We hing out on 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, she did some shopping and I did some looking, LOL, we both did some laughing and enjoed each others company. We ate lunch and sat in the sun and shared some cool conversation and while we did I also thought to myself what an awesome week this was and what a cool way to end it with my friend, my go to girl. Who would have though that I would have her and her husband in my life as two awesome friends? Certainly not me, but here they are and I am so blessed for it.

Krystal and I walked down the Promenade sharing more laughs and right as we said our goodbye and hugged we said we should have a beach day

“That would be nice. I can wear my speedo” I laughed

“No let’s not do a beach day” Krystal said back and we both laughed

I walked down to the Santa Monica Beach and enjoyed about 3 hours on the Santa Monica Pier, on the Santa Monica Beach and under the Santa Monica Pier taking pictures. It was time well spent and as I left the sand I smiled and thought to myself how much I really needed to take this time for me, not just today but all week long, because if I had not done this then the little things that tried to creep in to control how my week would come out may have stood a chance, but greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!

I got home, took some fish out and then hit the gym really fast, once I got back home I made myself some dinner, fish, rice and peas and called my niece to see what was up. We started talking and she shared with me how cool her week was and even though people and things tried to get her to go off track she stayed on the right path and she saw where that only made people mad, but she said

“too bad, let them be mad, this is my life and only I am living it” she laughed

“That’s right. I’m fucking this cat..” and we both said “you just hold the tail” and laughter broke out

As I am sitting here trying this blog out I just read a comment on one of my youtube videos that I have deleted and now blocked the person. That will be the 10th time I have done that this week. 26 people from Facebook, youtube and in my life have told me how I should talk, how I should say things and when I should say them. Four Christians have told me that I am a sinner and going to hell. Six people told me that they need a break from me.

To all of this have only this to say

Blessings and be well.

Getting Things Off My Chest

// September 23rd, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Most people say all I care about is what I am doing. Many people see what I do as being less important then what they do, people come in and out of my life and many of them leave because I refuse to be who or what they want me to be. I refuse to be who people want me to be, I always have. I refuse to talk, dress or look the way people want, I always have. But if you ask these people things about me that are true and real they dont have an answer.

Being true to myself is not something new to me, it has been part of who I am for as long as I can recall. I’ve never been liked by many people and to be honest I really don’t care, never have. I didn’t have a bunch of friends growing up, but the ones I did have are still my friends to this day.

The past few months have been kind of hard for me, I’ve been busy with the my organization as many of you know I always am, I guess this is to distract me, keep me busy and it also in many was protects me from getting hurt by people who say they care for me and it also keeps me from getting hurt by the same people. There are plenty of people in my life, but not many that I would call friends. The word “friend” means a great deal to me, I don’t extend or offer it to many and with few exceptions each time I do I am the one who walks away with a part of me crushed. I don’t have many regrets in my life, but the ones I do have are from thinking people are my friends.

I’ve had several people that I thought were friends show me something different the past few months and normally it would not mean much to me, but I trusted these people, I let them in, they were friends, but in some cases their “Christianity” will not let them be “friends” with someone who is gay and has HIV, others are just people who were my “friend” as long as I didn’t think for myself, voice my opinion or dare to disagree with them. After all I am still very much inches from being homeless again and to be honest in their eyes I am a “huge joke” It’s funny how people say things about you when they think it wont get back to you. It is also funny how people will act when you confront them with it.

Since the lost of my parents there has been no one I feel safe talking to, no one I feel safe being completely open with, simply because of what I have been through and knowing first hand how fast people will use what you share to hurt you, how fast people are to remind you of “all that I have done for you” I know that some people are only in my life because they feel sorry for me, or they need to feel better about themselves and the fuck up life they have. But everything is everything right?

The past two weeks I have seen that speaking up for myself or not allowing people to fit me into what they think is best, refusing to allow people determine who I am, what I should talk about, where I should be, who I should be with and certainly not how I will spend my time has caused people I trusted, people I thought were friends to pull away from me. I’ve seen how people try to take their own crap, their own lack of integrity and make me feel bad for them going back on their word or not following through on things they said they would do, but whatever this is nothing new for me and it certainly will not break me. It just means I must work harder.

My life has never been about being mixed race, nor have I ever spent time on being gay, having Sickle Cell, battles with cancer or HIV, my life is about being true to who I am. I am not Sickle Cell, Cancer, HIV or gay and I refuse to allow these things to suck me into communities that close me off from who I am.

I have so many people in my life who say I can call them if I need to talk, so many that say “we care” but their words dont match their actions and I know if I stopped blogging or vlogging they would not even notice. How can I trust people like this?

Tonight I got a call from someone said she just wanted to her my voice. She simply wanted to talk to me, her friend, her “ace” as she calls me. Someone that doesnt make me feel bad for saying “no thanks” someone who knows first hand what it is like to have people say one thing and do something else. We talked and shared some jokes, laughs and amazing stories about our lives and when we hung up I went right back to what I was doing before she called….working on my next two outreaches to people in need.

But I needed to stop and go the the one place I trust, the one place where I can let go of things and not care about what someone will say or think of me. The one place that gives me a chance to vent and get things off me. I came to my blog and as I type this out and get these feelings off me, I feel so much better and now I can go back to doing what I do…..”being of service”

Life Kits…Respecting People with HIV and AIDS

// September 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

When I was on the streets one of the hardest things was not being able to keep up with good hygiene, even though I would take what I call a “whore bath” in the bathrooms of parks, beaches and libraries, doing this with no soap or deodorant was still pretty rough. Not to mention the fact that most times I had no tooth paste, mouth wash or any of the basic things that most of us take for granted.

So I came up with something I call a Do Something Kits. Do Something are the first two words of the outreach for homeless people, low income families, seniors and children that I created while I was homeless. All it is a basic hygiene pack geared towards helping people in need, but unlike other places and organizations that hand them out, mine is really geared toward helping a person who is homeless not just with the items inside the kit, but at making sure I dont create too much extra weight for a person who is already carrying all that they have left of their life in backpacks, duffle bags or other ways that are used. More importantly the goal is to restore dignity and respect, so I make certain that all items are new and not used. I even create Do Something Kits geared toward men and women. I was homeless for 29 months, so I know first hand what it is like and the types of things people give thinking they are helping when in reality they are being insulting and to be honest down right rude and disrespectful.

Shortly after being told I was HIV positive I started finding ways I could reach out to people who are homeless, but also are battling HIV and AIDS.  Unlike regular homeless people, if there is a such thing, homeless people who have HIV and AIDS have many more challenges in front of them, most of which are health related, so it becomes even more important that all is done to find ways to support this very large number of people as well and to do it in the same way I’ve started….. with RESPECT.

April 3, 2009 I created Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life as an outreach geared entirely toward people with HIV or AIDS, just like Do Something Saturday~that empowers people the main goals are to restore dignity and respect and to do all I can to stand in the gap for those who are suffering and have less and to do so in love and without judging people or by placing any restrictions or “cut off” points. People have asked me why I dont have “cut off” points or why I dont create rules and conditions as to how long I will do all I can to help someone. The answer is simple. God doesn’t have “cut off” points for me or you, so who am I to create them for others. Furthermore who am I to judge what the progress of a individual is? Who is anyone to do that? I guess what I am saying is that I do not want to be the next person in line reminding someone of what “I” my think is right or wrong, again who am I to judge this?

Life Kits were created as a way to support people who have HIV or AIDS and are also homeless or low income. When I created the Life Kits I teamed up with my then case manager from AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES to make them available to people in need through her and other case managers. Right away the Life Kits were a huge success and through the awesome relationship that I have with my former case manager the Life Kits have reached people in need as far as Lancaster California and throughout Los Angeles. Thanks to this cool friendship I am still able to provide Life Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES through my former case manager Tiana, who in my opinion fully understands and does all she can to help people with HIV and AIDS. Not just help them, but also RESPECT them as well. She is an excellent example of someone who is doing all she can to restore dignity and restore dignity, respect and positive touch to people living with HIV and AIDS

Life Kits have also been provided to my former HIV clinic at USC, as well as Common Ground in Santa Monica and Being Alive in West Hollywood as well as to people who I know are living on the streets of Los Angeles while battling HIV and AIDS.

Just like my awesome friendship and relationship with Tiana from APLA, I also have an awesome friendship and relationship with Bart from Being Alive LA. He is also my peer support person or what I like to call my “go to man” for love, support, advice and direction when I need it. Bart made working with Being Alive LA easy and has made getting the Life Kits to people who need them very simple. Like Tiana he fully understands that simply sitting at a desk with a title means nothing when you dont apply and do all you can to really show up and help people. This is what I really love about Bart, he has been someone I can go to and not be afraid to talk to and just be who I am with. He is someone I know I can call anytime and he will not make me regret doing so. He is just an awesome friend and I am so glad I am able to work with him in getting Life Kits to men and women in need.

About two weeks ago Bart called me to let me know that he was out of the Life Kits I given him when I interviewed him for Conversations with Kengi for my YOUTUBE channel. It felt so awesome to get the call from him asking for more and how he let me know that he was out passing them out and shared  his experience in passing them out. Last week while preparing for the while preparing the Unpluggin HIV outreach down on Skid Row I was able to put together 6 Life Kits to hand deliver to Bart of his weekly Young and the Restless support group for people with HIV and AIDS. A support group that I now have attended three times.

Last week I also made a call to Tiana to see if I could come see her. I really miss her a great deal andsince I am no longer a client at APLA, I do not have the chance to speak with her like I use to, but she was someone who has been a good friend and someone I love and respect. While seeing her she too expressed that she needed more Life Kits and she even shared how people say they are helpful. It’s awesome to know that something I’ve created is helping people right here where I live, impacting lives of people who need support now, not later how they have gone as far as Lancaster California through her efforts.

One of the awesome things I remember of cooking for people was how my food was touching lives, creating great memories for people that will stand. Once while I was cooking for a high profile award show I looked out into the room and I saw someone take a bite of my food and I saw how their face just lit up and the huge smile that came over their face. The coolest thing about the Do Something and Life Kits is the look on face of someone who gets one. How they just lights up and how right away they are so blown away that someone thought so highly of them to do this. “Thank you” are never far behind after I hand out the kits and smiles are endless.

I recall being told I could never help homeless people or people with HIV and AIDS, there have been times that people who sit at fancy desks in air conditioned buildings have made me feel like what I have created is far less then what they do. Many have been rude and dismissive of my efforts and to be honest I dont think many people in such places has an ounce of respect for what I have created and how it really does help people. To be very honest some places have refused to accept the Do Something or Life Kits  saying “we already do that” but when you look at their websites they ask for the very same items that I am offering to them.

Do Something and Life Kits are just a very small way I do all I can to help people in need. Thanks to people like Tiana and Bart I am able to reach far more people with the Life Kits which in my “backwards thinking” does my good for people then sitting in judgment on them like I someone hold the keys to heaven or hell or that I am in control of the outcome.

This week I will deliver 9 Life Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES.

I love what GOD has allowed me to create and love that the very little I am able to do with what little I have and the amazing people in my life who do all they can to help me whenever they can because like me, they see the good in HUMANITY and will do all they can to encourage, inspire, uplift, empower and RESPECT it.

These Life Kits would not have been possible on just my little funds alone, but thanks to this awesome friend who has helped me provide them to people in need, so you I say THANK YOU for believing in what I do and looking past my many flaws and seeing my heart. YOU ROCK.

TIANA and BART, THANK YOU both for allowing me to “be of service” to my brothers and sisters with HIV and AIDS who are in need and THANK YOU both for the amazing friendships you have extend to me without “conditions” or “cut off” points. I love you both.

Unphazed

// September 20th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I was diagnosed HIV positive on April 3, 2008, at the time I had been homeless for over a year, 14 months after being diagnosed I was approved for housing….my own housing, not some place on Skid Row through Skid Row Housing Corporation where there was constant human waste on the floor and on toilet seats, not some place where I would have to fight for my personal belongings, not some place where I would have to worry about who would target me simply because I am gay and they thought they could teach me a lesson, not some place some where my personal rights would not be taken into consideration simply because I was Black, homeless, HIV positive and gay. It certainly is a place where I am pushed and challenged or forced to share a room with three gay men who were so unhappy with their life and wanted everyone around them just as unhappy.

I was approved for my own housing, living alone, rebuilding what some have called the “wreckage” of my life. I was treated with respect and dignity from organization that was helping me get my own place. Not once was I made to feel like my race would play a part in me getting this housing like I did with Project New Hope, not once was I treated unfairly because I was homeless and not once was I treated like I was a low life punk with HIV. Again, I was treated with dignity and respect. I felt supported in every way, not because I was helpless or so stupid and “backwards” like other places made me feel, but because I am a human, someone in need of assistance. I dont care who you are or where you come from, how you were raised, what car you drive or how many fancy things you have, I really dont care how much you pretend that you are better then people who are homeless or have HIV or AIDS, WE ALL NEED SOME ASSISTANCE from time to time.

This blog today is a two part celebration for me. One part for my organization and that work that I created when I was on the streets. So much has been said about me, so many blogs and vlogs have been written about me, but when you take a close look at who produced such things you will discover that they dont even know me at all. Most of them have never even been in the same space with me, but they have so much to say about me, who I am and what I do But in all this I have managed to keep my head held high and tried my very best not to let the attacks cause me to forget who I am, what I have created and to be honest, how incredibly strong I am.

Now this isnt to say that I always make the right choices, say and do the right things, I am human and I make mistakes, but the cool with me is that I am brave enough to admit to them, strong enough to learn from them and wise enough not to let them destroy me. I also have some pretty amazing people in my life who do know me, so when the attacks come or when I have fallen, they simply circle around me, not to attack, kick or point fingers, but to support, love, encourage and say “Get up Louis, you’re ok and we are still here.” Friends stand with you not just when you are the baller spending big bank, jet setting all over the place, bu they stand with you when you are as broke down as I am. They treat you the same, love you no less. They dont tell you “I will pray for you” when what you need is someone to sit with you, hold you, wipe your tears, let you vent or even make you laugh, because with prayer there must come action and that action is always LOVE, because that is what God is. He is LOVE all the time.

Ya see some people have the story of Christ mixed up, they think only certain “fancy people” are entitled to the LOVE that is for ALL. They think that when he went to the cross it was just for people who sit in buildings made by man, worshiping images that they were told not to do, praying to a man who has no more power to reach God then you and I. When Christ hung on that cross and did not come down, it was not just for a select few. It was for all human life. So when people tell me that it was the nails that held him to the cross, I tell them not it wasnt the nails, but love the dope addict, love for the prostitute, love for the men, women and children with HIV and AIDS, love for Blacks and Whites, Jews, Catholics and Protestant. It was LOVE for Gays and Lesbians it was love for YOU.

My main concern when I was told I was HIV positive was not for myself, but for others, I wanted to be able to keep doing what I had created and I wanted to start reaching out to people with HIV and AIDS, but not those who are always in the spot light, but those who like homeless people are pusshed to the side to sit outside the golden gates of “community” because for some reason or another the rules written and ordained by man do not apply to them. I wanted to be a voice for people who are suffering through HIV and AIDS with no voice and very little help.

Two months ago I set out to do just that, after having successful outreaches in Long Beach and in Los Angeles at 5p21 (The Rand Schrader Clinic) HIV clinic at USC Medical Center only to have them not be welcomed by the powers that be, I was blessed to find a place where I could reach out to be of help, support and to provide encouragement and maybe even be a role model or empower even inspire the very people who need it the most. I was so happy when my friend Shawn reached out to me when he saw what I was trying to do and told me of a place that could really benefit from the services I could offer.

In time I was in touch with Yvette who is resident coordinator and shortly after emailing her I went to speak with her, she then asked me to talk with the residents and through this my Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreach has a new home down on Skid Row serving 40 people with HIV or AIDS in an area where I use to sleep and fight on the streets for my very existence. A place where I dont have many happy memories, a place that still holds a very raw spot for my heart, a place that brings tears to my eyes and sorrow to my soul. A place where people, men women and children are left and forgotten, a place where the “community” send people with HIV and AIDS who do not fit into what is “sexy” At the very least Skid Row is depressing and in my eyes is like stepping into a war zone  where people are in “survival mode” all the time while the police, city officials, developers and those with money are in “gentrification mode” at all cost.

My Unpluggin HIV outreach has not been easy, in fact it has been a great deal harder to plan and get people to support, since I launched it on April 3, 2009 only four of my core group of supporters have supported it. I’ve seen a sharp decline in participation and interest in this outreach and to be very honest none of my Christian friends ever ask about it or come out to help me with it. In fact since starting this outreach two of them no longer speak with me, while others never even bring it up or ask about it. Until yesterday none of my gay friends have even supported it.

In order for me to pull this off I knew right away that I was going to have to do most, if not all the work alone,had it not been for my friend Eric I would have fallen very short with providing Shampoo, conditioner, body wash and other key items. After being turned down by places like the Gay and Lesbian Center, AIDS Project Los Angeles, POZ Magazine, PA Magazine and many other high profile places for support in getting things like brochures, reading materials, safe sex kits, information on support groups, care services, mental health needs and so much more I was getting pretty angry because all of these places claim to be doing so much good, but I have to ask myself for who? Only their four walls? I even made 7 phone calls and left 4 emails for the person who coordinates the whole HIV Stops with me and Experience This programs only to not have emails or phone calls returned. The Body contacted me some 6 months after my first contact. I was told to let them know what else I needed and I did, but they never got back to me. I guess I have to wait another six months before I hear from them again.

Ma always said that if I was setting out to do something, dont count on anyone that to help you accomplish it. She told me to always be prepared to do all the work. So after seeing how hard it was in just the first few weeks and also seeing that I wasnt going to get many friends to help, my mindset was just that. I knew I would have to do most if not all the work. I knew I would have to buy most it not all the items, but how would I do this on the very small income I have. How would I be able to provide things that people need when I too many times need the very same things? I would do this the same way I have done since I started this organization. I would trust in God and he would supply what was needed, not what was wanted, but needed and he did just that.

My friends Krystal and Patrick offered me a house sitting gig and I used this money to get some supplies for the event, I also used the little money I got form my next gig with Tina and Andy, when the rest of that money didnt come in, I just had to figure it out and I did. Kimberly kicked in with a donation and that got more items, plus two of my subscribers on YOUTUBE helped out. My friend Alison provided clothes and even helped me provided things for Common Ground in Santa Monica and a formerly homeless family in Hollywood.

In the process of all this I also got an awesome donation of women’s clothes that I was able to donate to a homeless gay youth drop in center not far from where I live, with the help of my long time friend, since preschool to be exact I was able to provide lunch for people with HIV and AIDS at Common Ground in Santa Monica, Alison once again helped with more awesome clothing and shoes for this outreach. This made up for the many promised donations that never came in from people who said they would, but then forgot or had other things come up that were more important then keeping their word. However this was not going to cause me to let down people who were counting on me to show up. I guess people are cool with saying things or giving their word and then go back on it. All that says to me is that your word is no good and not to depend on them for anything, not even friendship.

The last week coming into the event was rough and I was on my bike almost everyday doing all I could not to let this event fall a part on me. My friend Eric stepped up and told me not to worry that he would not only be there, but to let him know what was needed and he would help get it. My other friend Natalie purchased some Dove Body Wash and the night before the event even offered to come help me prep, get any other items and even drove me to the store so I would not have to be on my bike anymore that day. I was really hitting the wall from riding in the hot sun and also from not getting much rest.

Wednesday my volunteers started to drop like flies, not counting Eric and myself I had 15 people who said they would help, some even said they were bringing things, key things like food, but by Friday all had backed out. I had to keep calling Natalie to reschedule her because I was busy waiting for someone who in the end never showed up, causing me to almost miss shopping at the 99 cent store which could have been a major blow to the outreach. I was out of money and all I could afford was the 99 cent store, so if I had missed getting there I would have been so pissed off, more so then I already was. In end it all worked out and today I had the chance to spend with my friend and his awesome girl friend who would move mountains for me. I am so sorry they were not able to be part of the huge start to my awesome new event, but as i sit here and type this I am smiling because while they were not with me on Saturday, they were there at the start to my HIV outreach. Ryan and Moina helped me with the very first HIV outreach down on skid row and while they are getting ready for their big wedding day I am thanking God for putting them into my life, because my life is that much more rich and fulfilled because of them. I too am so looking forward to their big day.

My friend Michael in Dallas also helped as much as he could, even though his donation did not make it here for the outreach, it will be used for the next one down on Skid Row and he at least kept his word and followed through. Not once did I have to call, email or text to remind me or ask him if he was still going to be able to. He did what he said he could do and I am always so happy when people do this.

My friend Bart said he was a strong maybe for coming, but since I knew Saturday was his 40th birthday I didnt count on seeing him and he never said that he would be there, he said maybe, but each day he called me to let me know. I was cooking and packing up the meals on Saturday when Bart called and told me that he would be coming and he was bringing some people with him. I got this huge smile on my face, because the message I got from his call was God telling me that he was in charge and to trust him.

Saturday morning my day started very early, I was cooking by 6:00AM, packing the clothes and supplies in the containers and making sure I had everything ready for when Eric arrived to pick me up at 11:45AM. Eric has always been on time so I knew I could not miss a beat, in fact earlier in the week I had the chance to chill out with Eric at a benefit concert for Darfur at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood, so that allowed to hang out with him, support his cause and see some friends I met through him as well, Katie-Jay, Gabriel and Sandra. My friend Bart even stopped by for a bit to show his support and that was so cool. I made the choice to also pull away from all the places that I blog outside my network and organization and make certain that I am doing all I can to keep my organization going strong. This in turn has allowed me to free up time for myself and chill time with people I love, respect and share friendships with.

I was done cooking and packing up and ready by 11:26AM. I was in the shower and fully dressed when I saw Eric turning to park on the side of my place at 11:43AM. We packed the car and made our way down to Downtown LA for the the amazing afternoon that we spent helping and supporting people with HIV and AIDS.

I was greeted at the door by Donald and Beverly and the many of the residents were already waiting in the TV room for us, after introducing Eric to the guys, we headed back out and got things from the car. The guys were so cool to help us with this. In fact they were so very helpful the entire time we were there. Helping Eric and I set up tables, unpack and get things ready for the outreach.

Bart arrived with two people I already knew, crazy and funny Keith and sexy David. I had never metBrian before, but right away I saw him jump right in and start helping. Bart also donated some his clothes he no longer needs and that really made me smile. Bart has been such a huge support to me and to have him take time out on his 40th birthday to help me help others really meant a great deal to me. I know how very special my 40th birthday was and how I was so filled with so much on that day. I have asked others from the “community” to see me speak and even come see what I do and each time they dont show, so to have Bart there really let me know that he is my friend, he does care and will really go the extra mile for people. Bart with all my heart I love you and so fully appreciate how you have always been there for me whenever I’ve called and even when I dont call you check in on me to make sure I am fine and doing well. You look out for me and I dont feel like you do this because it’s part of your job or you feel like I am some project, but because you care and want what’s best for me. Since the day I met you, you’ve been awesome to me and with each time I get to spend with you I am so inspired and encouraged by you bravery, your courage and strength. I am so happy God placed you in my life. I hope you had an awesome birthday and thanks so much for sharing part of it with me.

Brian, David and Keith I really dont you guys, but I wanted to say thanks for coming out and support me in my effort to support people with HIV and AIDS. You could have done plenty of other things on Saturday, but you took the time to come help me help others and I am so thankful to you for doing this. I am sure I will see each of you again and maybe even other outreaches as well. YOU ROCK.

Eric, words simply can not express how very thankful I am to you for what you did. It means so much to me that you came through, I never had a doubt that you would not once you told me you would, but each time we talk, chill out, do an outreach together you inspire me, you encourage me and push me to do my best, you set an awesome example of what a humanitarian is, what they do and how they do. You’ve been an awesome friend me very respectful, kind, funny and supportive, when I got dumped and shot the video you reached out to let me know things we be ok, you supported me and that made me so thankful to have a great friend like you in my life. Hanging out with you at the benefit and seeing all that you do for the people of Darfur reminds of what’s really important in life, how each of us must strive to do all we can for humanity. When I think of heaven and who I will be there with I think of people like you, with awesome souls and these huge hearts stopping at nothing short of love and peace. YOU ROCK Eric, thank you for being the awesome man and great friend you really are. I bow. BTW the toaster over really rocks. I just made some cheese toast. THANK YOU!!!

When I got back home I closed the blinds and sat on my sofa, I gave thanks and praise to God for allowing me the grand opportunity to be of service to people I know he loves, people I know he will welcome into his kingdom. I also gave thanks and praise to him for my friend Eric and Bart and I asked him to place a hedge protection all around them, to bless them and increase their territory, I also thanked him for Brian, David and Keith and ask the same for them.

I thought of the men and women down on Skid Row, the people I was just serving, the awesome men and women there who faces just lit up while we were there, I thought of Yvette and how she has welcomed me, what I try so hard to do and how even she has been such a huge encouragement to me. I then thought of my friend Shawn, who through his friendship reminds me of what really matters, what really counts, who reminds me that I must keep doing what I am doing and not allow people to take me off the path because people like Shawn…….FREINDS like Shawn are worth fighting for, worth standing up for, worth supporting, worth loving, worth being friends with.

Saturday I learned more then I already knew that what I do matters to to the people I serve and at the end of the I dont care, nor have I ever cared about what others think of me or what I do. At the end of the day when it is all said and done, I love me, love thew work I created for humanity, I love that I have growing into the man God wants me to be and I know my parents are looking down on me smiling “we love you Louis and we are so proud of you.”

Right now I am ending this blog but my tears are starting to flow, not because I am sad, but because my life is so richly blessed and with each passing day I am learning that the world will keep right on spinning and I’ve got to love and be thankful for the little things, I must count my blessing and name them one by one and I must keep doing the work that I’ve created.

The next outreach outreach down on Skid Row for my Unpluggin HIV will take place on Thanksgiving  Day to the amazing 40 men and women I just had the awesome opportunity of sharing space with. This outreach will include in full kick butt Thanksgiving FEAST for people who are worth fighting for, worth caring for, worth loving for people who matter.

After getting home I walked down to my mailbox to find a letter from the Los Angeles Housing Authority and inside was my official housing contact. I smiled so big when I read the first few lines, my heart filled with such joy. Not only had I just celebrated the start to a awesome Unpluggin HIV outreach, but I can now feel safe that my own housing is all taken care of, that I really no longer have to wonder if I will have this place or not. My rent is locked in and I can afford to pay it. The life that some called a “wreckage” is anything but that. My life is a blessing, I am alive and well, my body is battling HIV on it’s own and doing an awesome job. I am happy, I’m giving love and receiving love and I love it. God is showing me that he is always right here in the middle of it all for me, all I have to do is trust and believe. No matter what anyone says, I am a child of the KING, we all are.

You’ve got dreams

And

You’ve got goals

There’s a vision burning

Down in your soul

Hold on

There’s nothing that you cant do

You’ve got to be driven

Motivated too

Stir up the GIFT

That GOD has placed in you

Hold on

The future looking bright for you

I am so thankful for the that Christ hung there for people like ME and YOU

The Beatitudes

// September 16th, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Now I know I lost many of my readers with just the title alone, but for those of you who are still with me, I ask that you read this with an open mind and if you do so, I guarantee you will get my point. Can you do this? I think you can.

I woke up this morning feeling really good, happy I was breathing, hell everybody should be right. I know that he loves me, and this makes my life complete, I woke up loving the the good things, the sunshine, loving the life I lead. I turned on some jazz music and I wasnt worried about yesterday, because today was something different, I had a new start a brand new day.

I went to the gym and then had a bowl of oatmeal when I came home. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed and made my way to the Metro Red Line. I was headed to the doctor. Today I needed to get my HIV labs done to find out where I am. This was the second time I was headed to get my blood drawn at my new clinic, but unlike my first visit to my clinic in Van Nuys the fear of not getting housing was not on my mind, the fear of once again being passed over for my own housing because of things far out of my control were not on my mind. I was not panicked, nor did I have a headache, there were no tears and no pleas with God to make a way for me. I was simply on my way to the doctor. I doctor I fully trust, staff I know care for me. What a difference having a HIV team and a doctor I trust has made for me.

Getting to this point was not easy, in fact there were many sleepless nights and so many tears shed. From being in the hospital for 11 days at Harbor UCLA only to be dumped in some run down old trucking warehouse to having the same hospital refuse to treat my HIV because I could not get a denial of service letter from Medi-Cal. Something Medi-Cal said the hospital was suppose to take care of, but failed to do leaving me stuck in the middle. The over to LAC-USC where I had a doctor who refused to look at me, didnt take her gloves off when she shock my hand, the being told by the gay and lesbian center that I had to wait for several months before I could see a doctor, back to LAC-USC where my mistake after mistake was made in my care to the final straw of my doctor refusing to sign my housing form that would give me housing allowing me to no longer be homeless. Thanks to a letter and phone call from my friend Brian to my current doctor I no longer even think twice about my care.

However now with the current budget cuts and the threat of the loss of Ryan White funds I could very well not be able to see a doctor for my HIV. The loss of Ryan White funds for me means no access to medical care, for others it means that, plus the loss of life saving meds that allow them to live awesome lives.

Lucky for me I happen to be at a clinic filled with workers, not just workers who show up to do a 9 to 5 but workers who truly care of me as a patient. Workers who show up at HIV and AIDS rallies to protest side by side with the patients they work so hard to care for. Workers who shed tears and never utter words like “people are no longer dying” workers who show you they care by calling to check in out you, ask you how you are doing and then take the time to listen and do all the can to help you work toward a real solution that will serve you the best, not some cookie cutter approach laid out by some suit who you will never meet, much less care about you. Workers who are humans who fully understand that you to are human and you deserve the best care, love and respect

When I left the office after getting my blood drawn I left with a smile on my face, peace in my heart and not a worry about my care. I was more worried about the people who I am so honored to know, people I trust with my care who might be out of work soon because there is more money to bail out banks and big business, more money to fight a war and kill over oil, more money to pay high salaries to executives who have failed  Americans, not no money for health care, no money to protect people who do the work that keeps so many people alive. No money to fund things that allow people like me access to care and care services, no money to make sure the most vulnerable have access to care and the live saving drugs they need to survive.

I came home returned some emails and spoke to another “worker” someone doing all she can to make sure people with HIV and AIDS are able to access care and care services. Even though she was calling to get the final details for my Unpluggin HIV outreach this weekend,s he also came with such an awesome message of encouragement for me. A message that was right on time and so uplifting, so powerful and so caring, but she is a “worker” who cares for the people she serves.

I was pretty tired and I had a slight headache, I had plans to head to West LA to pick up my battery pack that I so badly need for my camera, but I also needed to take a nap and rest because I wanted to hang out with my friend Eric at a benefit for Darfur. So I took a long nap, didnt go get my battery pack so I was ready to enjoy what was an awesome night to help raise funds and awareness for the genocide taking place in Dafur.

The benefit was held at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood and sponsored by some pretty incredible organizations that do some awesome things for the people of Darfur and do such an amazing jobs at raising our awareness for what is taking place there. The organizations were Save Darfur, Stop Genocide Now and Jewish World Watch and had it’s share of Hollywood’s movers and shakers on hand as well. Besides the fact that we all had gathered to raise funds and awareness for Darfur, support the awesome efforts of these distinguished organizations there was also some pretty hot bands and solo acts performing as well.

For me it was a night I got the opportunity once again to hang out with my friend Eric and witness first hand the awesome work he is part of. I also got to chill out and speak with two people who just like Eric are such a huge inspiration to me in the work that I do right here in Los Angeles. Katie Jay, Gabriel and Eric are more “workers” people who see a there is a need and do all they can to address and meet the need, ignoring all those who tell them “you cant do this” and simply step to the plate and knock it out the park. They show up and do the work while others sit back and do nothing.

This benefit for Darfur represented not just what is taking place in Darfur, but it also put me face to face with “workers” like my friends Eric, Katie Jay and Gabriel who show up for humanity, who work long hours in order to make things better for others, which in turn will make this world a better place for all of us. I came face to face with people who are willing to look past and break through the gates of “community” and embrace the greatness of humanity, people who are willing to go the extra mile and millions more in an effort to bridge the gap for those who have so much less, for those who do not have a voice, for those who are seen and not heard, for those who suffer right in front our eyes while most simply walk by as if they are not there.

I spent an evening not being the inspiration that so many have said I am, I spent an evening in the shadows of great people doing great things for others, I spent an evening with people who work long and hard for humanity, for the CHANGE many of us voted for and are also willing to stand up and work night and day, day and night never stopping or thinking of rest until the job is done and then on to the next, I spent an evening with real life heroes, people I admire, respect and most of all, people I am so inspire by. This evening was so key for me because it has served to encourage me to keep fighting the good fight, keep doing all I can, keep reaching out, keep showing up because there are others doing the same things for others.

I had the chance to meet some pretty cool people and I also had the chance to see some people I have not seen in a while, like my friend Sandra who didnt just offer to help with the Easter outreach to Shriner’s Hospital for Chidren, she showed up did the work, she even had the cool opportunity to translate for a patient who spoke Korean. It was so cool to see her and how funny was it that we both said it is so cool to have friends where we can talk about and share our love and work for humanity and not have this turned off or pushed away. It was so awesome to see her and I am so looking forward to the next outreach to Shriner’s Hospital where I will see her again.

I also invited someone else who has been a huge support to me through the 29 months of homelessness and over a year of being HIV positive. Soemone who I admire, love and have so much respect for, someone who is such a huge inspiration to me. My friend Bart from Being Alive also came out to support the event and I got to talk and chill out with him as wlll.

It wasnt long before my worn down body told me it was time to go home and get some rest because I still have much to do for my Unpluggin HIV outreach down on Skid Row this weekend for 40 residents  who are battling HIV and AIDS as well as low income and the harshness that comes along with this huge fight. I said good night to my friends Eric and Katie Jay and in spirit I said goodbye to Gabriel as he was very busy doing the awesome work he does.

As I walked down Hollywood Boulevard back towards my apartment I felt great. Once again God had showed me how very important it is to stay on my path, stay in the fight, keep showing up, keep putting humanity ahead of “community” and he would keep showing me all the good that really is in this world, all the lights that are right in front of me, working in the trenches with me, do all they can to be the lights of this world just like he said they would be.

When I reached Hollywood and Highland I was thinking of my friends back at the benefit and thinking of all the people who worked so hard to make the event possible and The Beatitudes popped in my head and as I walked home I began to say them to myself thinking of my friends and the people who really show up and do the work it take to bring CHANGE to this world, not for “community” but humanity and not for self, but for all and in doing so I thought of the kinds of people that would truly fill heaven. I thought of the people who are the true and real people of God. I thought of workers and how God has placed so many of them in my life to encourage, inspire and encourage me.

The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

When I think of The Beatitudes I dont think of people who sit in buildings where they pretend to know God or who he dwells in, I dont think of people who say things like “I cant support you because your lifestyle is a sin” or people who seem to have no ounce of “worker” in them, but claim to be building the Kingdom of God. They dont come to mind at all, because God is all love all the time.

When I think of heaven, I see it as a huge party being hosted by three ~Father, Son and Holy Ghost, there is a huge guest list and many people seem to think just cause they can quote from a book, or bash people for being what God created them to be, have the golden ticket to get in, they think they are dressed right, look good, smell good, but that simply wont get you in. When I think of this party and who will get in, I think of “workers” I think of my friends Eric, Katie Jay, Gabriel, Bart, Yvette, Sandra and others. I think of people who fully understand all human life has a purpose and show be love and respected no matter what and when I look at these people, I see the face, glory and power of God and in this I am truly inspired.

Thank you for inspiring me, for teaching me, for being the light of the world. YOU ROCK

Not Getting Derailed

// September 15th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

My Monday started out kind of rough, but I was able to rebound it be not allowing being called “nigger” by this guy in my building and a few other things take me off track and derail the rest of my day. I will say that being called “nigger” was not how I wanted to start my day, but I know I made it very clear to the jackass not to ever address me as such ever again or my fist would knock every damn tooth is his face down his damn throat. I even smiled and told him to have a nice day after I said what I had to say. The word was hurled at me after I had waited for more then 45 minutes for this person to come take their clothes out of the washers in the building where I live. 45 minutes was really being nice and I had reached my level of nice, so I removed the clothes and places them in the drier and this is when he told me “Dont you ever touch my clothes again you fucking nigger”

Now at first I was a bit taken back and for just one second I was about to let it go and that is when he asked “Do you hear me?” like I was some child or some punk ass that was supposed to be afraid of him and all has wanna be gang member tattoos. This is when I looked at him and said “What the fuck did you just call me?” he started to repeat it and that is when I started walking toward and he then said “I dont want no problem with you man.” and I replied “You should have thought about that before you called me nigger.” He ran out and few minutes later he returned with two guys and I looked at all three of them and said “What did you bring your boys to help you? Cause if you did then they will get their asses kicked too.” They asked what happened and I explained to them what took place. They asked him  if it was true and he said “yes” and right in front of them is when I told him I would put my fist through his face if he ever called me that again. They laughed and walked out.

When I got back to my apartment I was pretty pissed off and was also very heated, this is when my phone rang and I guess by the tone of my “hello” my niece knew something was wrong. “Uncle Louis are you ok?” I told her what happened and just like I let he do the week before she let me vent out all the anger that was in me and felt so much better. We laughed and made plans to meet later on for dinner  with her husband and kids. I was so looking forward to this. I finished my laundry, cleaned up my apartment and got busy working on my Unpluggin HIV outreach that takes place this weekend on Skid Row for 40 residents living with HIV or AIDS.

I’ve been working hard on this outreach for about two months now, but donations have been very slow to come in and as of right now I only have two people besides myself who have said they would be there to help me with the outreach, Eric and Natalie and men’s clothing has also been very slow coming in, but once again thanks to my friend Eric and a donation I got from Krystal and Patrick about a month ago I am happy to so I do have some things.

Each time I have extra money I use this to buy things for the outreach. So far I have been able to purchase 12 bottles of conditioner, 12 bottles of shampoo and 12 bottles of body was. Over the weekend my friend Natalie donated 10 more body wash so now I have 22 bottles of body wash. Eric also told me he also got more donations of men’s clothes. So Tuesday will be a day for me to go out and but the food I need for the event and take the last that I have to purchase more hygiene items so I do not have to depend on my friend Eric who said he would be more then happy to help as much as he could.

That’s the cool thing about Eric, he always seems to be right there ready to help and pick up the slack and I cant tell you how much I appreciate this, but I also know that I cant always rely on him because I dont want to bur him out or always turn to him for the balance of what is lacking. I do know that if he was unable to help he would not offer, so again I am so thankful that with him I dont even have to ask. He see’s the vent posted, reads my blogs, see’s my notes, watches my videos and he always seems to come through and that is so awesome. Besides the fact that he too has been a great friend and has also allowed me to vent to him as well.

After spending a great deal of my morning washing and lining things up for Saturday I went to the gym to work out and do my best to clear my head and make certain I was not going to sit and worry about things that I have no control over, sometimes…..well all the time when people say they are going to do things and then flake with no phone call, text or explanation that really bothers me and it bothers me more when they act as if what they have done really means nothing. All this says to me is screw you Kengi and if I call people on their bullshit then I am the bad guy. I really hate that shit and I hate it when people make me the bad guy for their crap. So the gym was much need and after I left I felt so much better. I was also excited because I was going to ceramics at Being Alive.

I spoke to my niece again in the afternoon, I think she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. It’s been so awesome having her to talk to and laugh about things with. She always has a way to make me crack up and for me that is so cool. I also talked to my friend Christina and she wanted to call me and tell me not to worry about my outreach this weekend.  “Kengi you can only do what you can, you cant control all the people who just like to talk and make comments on your blog and facebook about how they will help and then not come through. Do what you can do and God will bless the rest. They will know you did the best you can Kengi. Believe me they know you care for them or you would not work as hard as you do.” Even though in my heart I know I have done all I could and have did my very best I just hate that people do not follow through on their word. It just bothers me.

I was so happy to get to Being Alive and was even more happy to see a face that was always so cool to me when I was there. Troy was awesome and his smile was…..is so cool, warm and welcoming. He was the guy who helped me on the wheel and I made this really cool piece with his help, but it was not there today. However some of my other pieces were there, but the ones that I really worked hard on and put a lot into and really had real meaning for me were gone. But some other things I made were still there and I was happy to see that.

So much has changed with the ceramics it has gone from being in a cat infested studio to being outside in the back yard area of a local West Hollywood business. This was really cool, it added a camp or retreat style feel to it and and the new facilitator Brian was friendly and very cool. Troy and Brian were  both very cool and we got to have some awesome conversation and even some laughs as well. Bart showed up for a minute with a friend who kept the laughs going and then the rest of the afternoon was just us three.

It took a while for me to find my feel for the clay, but once I got going I was able to get two pieces started and once I felt the connection with the clay and myself and all the feelings inside of me I felt my flow, so when it was time to start cleaning up, but I was happy with what I had started so far and I was happy that I took time out for me and spent the afternoon with two very cool guys playing in clay. Not that was art therapy and I loved it.

When I was on the streets Being Alive was a place where I could be off the streets, I didnt have to worry about who I might have to fight, I could take my backpack off and rest my body and mind. I could relax for a few hours and there were days when I was alone so I even got a chance to close my eyes in peace and rest. Being Alive was very much a place where I felt I was safe from all that was going wrong and with painting and ceramics I was able to create things that were from my heart a true expression of me, who I am, what I am feeling and even where my head is. So I am so looking forward to taking time out to do this all over again and the fact that I am able to do it in a outdoor setting with cool guys like Brian and Troy.

I headed home and I was feeling great and those feelings continued when my niece and her family came over. I cooked Salmon for Kevin while the rest of us ate the Chicken soup I cooked the night before and grilled cheese sandwiches. We talked laughed, watched dream girls and just had such a great time. We are making plans to spend at least one day a week with each other where we have dinner and chill out. She and I even talked about having Thanksgiving here at my place. We watched Dream Girls on ABC and I watched as my great nephew did his math homework and the two girls sat next to me and giggled the night away.

The night seemed to be over faster then it started, but when it was over I was in a much better place then where I was when I started my day. I was proud of myself for not allowing something that was meant to derail me have control over my space. I was happy that I took yet another day to focus on me and even made time to work on the work that is now my “NIA” (purpose).

I put on some jazz music and cleaned my kitchen, swept and moped the floor, cleaned the bathroom and ran the vacuum. I then watched the news and nightline, made some hot tea and now I am finishing this blog. My night will end with a hot bath, candles a chapter out of Baskeball Jones, prayer and meditation, giving thanks and a good nights sleep.

My 90 day challenge is going well and I am smiling right now, because I am happy, healthy and I truly love all the real friends I have in life. My life is blessed and I am feeling peace in my space. That is such an awesome feeling.

90 Day Challenge…Awesome Weekend

// September 14th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

This past weekend was all about me and man did I have a great time. Last week I started 90 days of loving myself or the 90 day challenge. Now for those of you who have questions and it;s clear from many emails and comments that many of you do, let me just be very clear, no one loves me more then me and just because I dont show it or talk about it in my blogs or vlogs does not mean that it does not take place. Now having said that let me also say that there are times when my community work takes much of time and some days I spend doing for others and I dont take time out for me, that does not mean that it doesnt happen. The 90 day challenge is to make sure I take time out of everyday for the next 90 days for me. Let me just say that after this challenge I will continue to make sure I am taking time out for me each and every day.

Not long ago I started a group on my Project KengKat Community Network called Restoring the Temple and this was my attempt at making sure I am taking care of me mind body and soul and I am the first time say that some of the goals I have set for myself have not been met, while others I am having no problems with, so it’s really exciting to be part of the 90 day challenge that my friend started as a way to encourage and empower me to meet the goals I set for myself and do it with some pretty cool people.

My weekend started with a cool Friday night at home doing some reading and I cooked a sweet dinner for myself. I talked to some friends and then read a few blogs. After this I made sure my bike was read to go out first thing in the AM for a bike ride. It’s been a while since I have been on my bike for me, so I wanted to make sure it was fully ready for the ride for the next day. I put on some awesome jazz music through Pandora Internet Radio and I just chilled out until I went to bed.

Saturday morning I got up took a shower and then I was on my bike at 7:45AM. I went for a 40 minutes bike ride and when I got home I jumped into a hot bubble bath and then cleaned my place. I had a big bowl of Oatmeal and talked on the phone with my good and crazy friend Christina who is now living the life in Atlanta. She and I laughed for such a long time before we agreed to call each other later. I chilled on the sofa and looked at TV, what was on I dont recall because I was on FACEBOOK and TWITTER, I then got a call from my friend Angela ans she and I talked and laughed for a good long time. By then it was time to get dressed and call my friend Natles to see what time she would get to my place. I had talked to her the day before but I was in the middle of a SKYPE call with Robert and really didnt pay close attention.

For some reason I got side tracked by my bed and I never called and before I knew it I was back in bed fast asleep. I slept another three hours. Last week was such a busy week for me with outreaches to Common Ground and the Jeff Griffith You Center, plus I went on a bike ride as well in addition to the two outreaches to the youth center that were done on my bike pulling my Croozer trailer. So I was a bit tired and really enjoyed going back to bed and getting some sleep. Something I really never do. Once I am up I am up and there is no time for naps. Since Saturday was a ME day there was plenty of time for naps, plenty of time.

I got up and watched more TV and then did another SKPE call with Robert before giggling my ass off with my niece who is just so much fun and I am so happy that she is back in my life. I cant tell you how good it feels to have family back in my life again. It was after 1:30PM when I left a message for Natles  to get an idea of where she was, when she called back she reminded me that she had a hair appointment and the person was fitting her in. I had forgot she told me this. When she called she was very close to my place and I was not even close to being ready, so I jumped into the shower really quick and got ready.

The funny thing about Naltes is that we both never know where we want to go, it always tarts out “are you hungry? Where do you want to go?” “I dont know where do you want to go?” Funny right. Well this time I think was the shortest time because we both wanted Mexican food, so since I had never been to El Chavo this in Los Felis this is where we went. The funny thing is that when we got there they were closed, but I was set on eating there and she was set to share it with me, so we got gas and then went to have our dessert first. We went tot he House of Pies also in Los Felis, however this was in the heart of it. She had peach pie and I had cherry pie with ice cream and we both had a afternoon of laughter and fun while sitting at the counter eating pie at the House of Pies. To my surprise my friend Brian walks up and says hello and that too was an awesome surprise. I have not seen him in a while so it was cool to see him as well.

From the House of Pies we went to the 99 cent store to get some things for her place and for mine and she even surprised me when she asked what I needed for the Unpluggin HIV outreach that is set for this Saturday for 40 residents battling HIV and AIDS down on Downtown LA’s Skid Row. She purchased some Dove Body Wash for the event. After getting a few more items and cracking up at all the goof balls in the store we headed out tot he parking lot where once again I got a call from my friend Christina who was well into her house warming party and she wanted to call me to let me know that USC would not win their game with against OSU and she was almost right, but the mighty men of TROY pulled it out in the 4th quarter with a stunning 86 yard drive to win the game 18-15. FIGHT ON!!!

We finally made it it El Chavo and man was this place cool. The restaurant looks like it use to be a house that has been converted into this awesome place that is filled with so many bright and vivid colors, so rich with cultural history and the food was awesome. While they did not have Carnitas they way I liked them I was happy that I got the Chicken Enchiladas. Every meal comes with soup and today it was Lentils and I love Lentil soup and this did not disappoint, it was awesome. The overall experience here was very cool and I would recommend El Chavo to anyone who loves awesome Mexican food.

From there we headed to the El Rey to get our tickets for the Ledisi concert next month. If you guys dont know who Ledisi is you really need to check her out. She has this powerful voice with songs that truly have meaning. Not at all like what it out there now. She really brings a great show. She also just released her second CD that is already getting awesome reviews.

Sunday was once again all about ME. I got my laundry ready, went for a bike ride and also went to the gym. I spent time talking with friends including my awesome friend Bart. I am so glad I had the chance to speak with him. He is so cool and I am so blessed to have this awesome man in my life. When I interviewed Bart for my Conversations with Kengi I gave him Life Kits, those are the hygiene kits that I give away to people who are either homeless or low income battling HIV or AIDS, they are the sister kit to the Do Something Kit. Bart called me to share with me that he had passed some Life Kits out and was asking if he could get more. This really made me feel so good and I was so excited to he had called to ask for more. Plus we got to spend some time having an awesome conversation.

I went for a bike ride late in the afternoon and then while out riding I decided to make myself a big pot of chicken soup filled with awesome vegetables and bow tie pasta. I also made a Cooking with Kengi video so please take the time to check it out when you have a chance. I spoke with my niece again and then I got a awesome and surprised phone call from my new friend Michael who once again had my laughing and feeling really good about the people who are in my life.

The highlight of my Sunday afternoon was the three hours. I went to the gym, came home put on some Mozart and took a long hot bubble bath complete with bath salts and candles. This was awesome because I just got some new speakers for my laptop so the music was all over the apartment and just sat back and relaxed in the hot water and took it all in.

It’s Monday morning at 10:24AM right now and I am about to make some oatmeal while I do my laundry and watch the view. I also had a telephone interview with this family who might want to hire me to cook for them twice a week. This is so cool because they found out about me through my Cooking with Kengi videos on my YOUTUBE Channel. Later today I will take some time out to go do ceramics at Being Alive, so be sure to check in later for the blog on that.

My 90 day challenge is going well, just as I knew it would be and failing at loving me is not something I am able to do because I love me far too much.

Art Therapy and My Friend Bart

// September 13th, 2009 // 7 Comments » // Uncategorized

Thursday night my friend Bart invited to “Art Therapy” at Being Alive and at first I wasn’t going to but I thought to myself that I needed to get out and do something for me, plus I would have the chance to hang out with someone I really admire and respect, besides the fact that he is a cool guy and a friend, so I went and I am so glad I did.

Since meeting Bart he has been someone I’ve always known I could trust and someone I could turn to, someone I always know I can trust. He is just a really cool all round guy who I am honored and blessed to have in my life. You know when you meet someone who is just real? Well Bart is that someone. He is real in ever since of the word.

Many of you may know Bart from my Conversations with Kengi video interview that I did with him, but others who read my blog know him from me blogging about him and Being Alive. When I was homeless on the streets Being Alive was one place where I knew I could be safe off the streets and a place where I could feel safe. I was also able to get back in touch with artist in my. I was able to paint and create some pretty cool ceramic pieces while I was there. However the painting and ceramics have all been lost after a so called friend said she would keep them safe for me, but then moved and didnt even bother to call me or take the things with her to her new place. But Being Alive and the awesome memories will always live in my heart and my friendship with Bart just get stronger and stronger as time goes on.

Last July I had the chance to go to San Francisco for a wedding and I also had the chance to escape the streets of LA and homelessness for just a weekend and while I was there I had the chance to go to an HIV support group and it was unlike any HIV support group I had ever been to before. It was in the home of this really cool guy and the guys were awesome, down to earth and real. They even took the time to support each other outside the meeting, from helping each other with bill to making sure they all had food to eat and that rent was paid. I left this group thinking to myself that this was what support really was all about. Not only were these HIV positive and a few had AIDS, but the support went far beyond just being positive or having AIDS and came to rest on truly caring for people, not just because of the virus, but because of the connection you can only get when you truly take the time to connect and get to know someone for who they are, where they are with no conditions. It was awesome and I have experienced a support group like this since that weekend and I will also never forget it. It’s cool that from time to time I still get emails and phone calls from the guys checking on me to see how I am doing and if things have gotten better for me.

“Art Therapy” turned out to be a HIV support group and I am very happy Bart didn’t tell me it was a support group, because to be honest I would not have went, no matter how much I love and respect Bart, I simply would not have gone because of all the support groups I have gone to I always walk away thinking to myself “I dont ever want to be as fucked up as those guys are” and to be very honest when I was on the streets I got no support from the support group. It was nothing more then a place off the streets at night and I could be off my feet and allow them to rest for at least two hours. But support was no something I felt from the groups I have been to.

This group was not like the one I had experienced in San Francisco, but is was far different from the ones I had been to. The guys were friendly and the way the group was ran really encouraged you to get to know each other. While doing the art the guy next to me was funny and made me laugh, he even helped me when I got stuck with my box. The guys at the table were cool and seemed real and had been through some real life things that I could relate to. So for the first time since San Francisco I had the chance to be in the room with guys who were real to me and it wasn’t long before I asked Bart why he never invited me to come to this group. The funny thing is that he had invited me, but I was so turned off by what I had experienced that I wasn’t hearing what he was saying.

I think we things like support groups are sponsored by certain groups or organizations they tend to take  on and become with that sponsoring organization wants them to be and only provides what that organization allows. This makes it hard for someone like me to find support from such groups because I was never considered when in the concept to begin with. Let me be clear, I am in no way saying that I need to be spoken to, but what I am saying is that I was homeless and on the streets when I found out I was HIV positive. The last thing on my mind was planning trips, getting married, camp outs or road trips, my mind was on who I had to fight that night, how was I going to get to where I needed to go, did I have enough money to get back on the train, should I ask someone for a ride to where I needed to go, which was to the beach. Not once did anyone ever ask me “Kengi will you be ok tonight?” or “do you need a ride some place” so support was not what I felt from the groups I have been to.

Even after I was in housing and off the streets I still have not felt like a support group was much support for me. So I have had to find other things where I can get support, other ways of finding people  who may have been going through some of the things I have been through, but even this was hard and still is very hard because most people who are homeless and HIV positive dont have a blog, youtube channel or a laptop, so they become invisible even though they are in plain sight. HIV has been isolating all by itself, but add not having a place to live and a so called community that refers you to the most homophobic place in LA, SKID ROW, a community where people with HIV sit on one side and a community where homeless gay men and women are not embraced by pushed to the side just like in the mainstream community.

I have made some good contacts and cool people that I know care about me, but you really cant understand what someone is going through, what they are dealing with or how hard things might be when you’ve never even come close to walking in their shoes. So helping or providing support for a person who is homeless and HIV positive is very hard. Our society says homeless people are drug users, drunks, crazy people, scum, stupid and the people who are in line to help refuse to think out side the small box to even try to help or understand. Not even your own so called friends try to help or understand.

When I left this group I walked out with a great feeling. I felt cool for having gone and the guys I met there all seemed cool and real. They didnt seem all fucked in the head or just basic nut jobs. They were normal guys who have HIV and doing all they can to deal with it. I didnt feel like I couldnt share or particapte for fear of being judged and treated like a complete dumbass. I felt like an equal and I felt it was cool to be who I was and confident in the fact that I would not feel attacked or looked down upon and for me that was an awesome feeling.

After we made the boxes we picked out rocks and held them in our right hands and put things like peace, joy, comfort, happiness, integrity and good health into the rocks and then we were asked to give the rocks to the person to the left of us. This was cool because Bart was to the right of me so I go his rocks and I placed it in my box. At first I didnt want to give my rock away, but when I did I had this cool feeling in my heart because all the awesome things I wanted for me I had just gave to someone else, the guy to the left of me who had been so cool, making me laugh, pulling me out of my shell and helping me with my box. To be honest it also reminded me of what my organization is all about and what I try so hard to do each and every day. “Pass it on”

After the meeting I had the chance to talk to a few guys Bart introduced me to and I even talked to guys outside after. While I rode me bike home I was singing and smiling and as I rode up to the red light at Fountain and Highland this guy leaned out the window and asked what I was so happy about. I smiled and took off my head phones and told him that “life is great, so that is what I am happy about.” He leaned out his hand and gave me a high five and said “Live well brother” and as the light turned green I smiled at him and said “you too man”

I walked into my apartment and I smiled so big because I had just been to a support group tat made me feel good. I had just done something for me and it felt awesome. I smiled even bigger when I pulled out the box and sat it on the table right inside my door where my faith cross is as well as my serenity and harmony vases are that hold my blooming orchids. It was a perfect place for my new art in my new place.

As I walked the rest of the way in I smiled and said out loud “You Rock Bart………Thank you God”

I took a shower, returned some emails, did a post to my twitter page and facebook and turned the lights off and went to bed.

It’s always so completely cool to me how God always supplies, how he always shows up, how he is always right there, always on time, never leaves me alone, wont let me give up, wont let me down, how he is my all and all, my wheel in the middle of the wheel, my strong tower, my shelter in the time of storm, my light in times of dark, my comforter, my friend, my way maker, peace giver, the lover of my soul and the light of mylife who always answers every time I call and is always right there in the middle with me, working it out for me good in the end. God is good and he always places good people in my path right when I need them most.

Bart with my whole heart I love you and I am so glad God placed you in my life when he did. I so glad  God has allowed me to see the good in mankind through you. I am so glad that God has placed an awesome example of what a friend is, what a real man is to show me and encourage me. I am so thankful to you and both honored and blessed to call you my friend…….YOU ROCK.