“What are you doing here?”
// October 31st, 2009 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
This past week has really been rather trying. It seems like so much was asked of me and I really had to buckle down and keep my focus on things that I am doing and people in my life who are pulling me in different directions….well at least they tried to. I also needed to make time to be available to people who are dealing with some pretty rough times in their life and do all I can to help them in ways. On top of all of this I needed to make certain that there is always time for me. In all of this I am so glad that God continues to see fit to bless me and add favor to my life.
Monday was so awesome, I always look forward to Monday because those are the days that I have reserved for ceramics and time I get to spend with the Brian, Troy and the other guys who come to ceramics on Monday. It was also the day that I got to interview Brian for Conversations with Kengi, but I also got to share with a guy who is dealing with some of the things I have already been through. I had no idea that later in this week I would really have to step up to the plate to support this guy, because just like with me, places he was turning to for answers, support, directions and advice were only frustrating him.
Tuesday my Sickle Cell kicked in and I was in bed most of the day, not able to do much, but
later in the evening I was able to get up and get some things done for my Thanksgiving outreaches I have planned for the November. Even though I have gotten lots of work done this week I am still very far behind in all that I need to get done and some people really dont help make things any better with their lies and attempts to make themselves look good by making comments on what they will do that end up just being a bunch of crap coming from people who are clearly only about talking and doing things for themselves. I got 6 people this week telling me to get in touch with them so they can help me with my outreaches or to talk over ideas they have for helping me. You would think that by now I would have learned to ignore people like this, but I try my best to take people at their word, but most times this just turns out to be a let down, but it would be wrong for me to judge others who come after them based on what they’ve done. All 6 people turned out to be talkers, in fact three of them never even bothered to call me back after asking me to call their offices to make appointments and what not. They didnt even answer me back when I emailed them. I guess people are comfortable wearing all the masks they put on in their profiles on Twitter and FACEBOOK. It’s funny how these same people get really pissed when they find that I have removed them from friends list and no longer have time for the crap they offer, masked as “help” KICK ROCKS!!!!
Wednesday started off rather slow because I didnt get much sleep the night before, but I was able to pull myself together so that I was able to attend a luncheon that I was invited to by my friend Andy who is the CEO of the Union Rescue Mission. It was nice to be there and the people I had the pleasure of sitting with were so cool and very inspiring.
I also had the chance to see someone I have left many messages for, but none of them were returned. Anita Nelson. She is the woman who is in charge at Skid Row Housing Corporation, the same place who refused my housing after I had complained about the lousy conditions they force people who are homeless as well as people with HIV and AIDS to live in simply because they can. It was her subordinate Irving Munroe who would later refuse my housing calling me “stupid” and my thinking “backwards” I often wonder how people like her sleep at night, but maybe she does not know that people have huge problems in her buildings. Maybe she has no idea what took place with Irving after she refereed me to him, but you would think she would at least follow up with me to see if the matter was fixed. But I was homeless and gay so who the hell was I to ask her or her staff to do their jobs or address the concerns of rude staff, human waste in the hallways and on the floors, walls and toilets of the building I was staying in. Who was I to complain about bed
bugs and spoiled food? In her eyes and the eyes of many who serve homeless people I am nothing, I am the scum of the earth in their eyes and since no one hold her accountable, then what happened to me and I am sure thousands of others is no big deal.
Andy made some great points and I am glad they came from him and a board member. They said it is time for people to change the way we view homeless people. How it time to change the way how we speak about and to them, because homeless people are humans. I was so happy to hear this coming from Andy, even though I know he does feel and treat homeless people as human, he does care, but this is not true for members of his staff. As I have said in an older blog Andy and his staff have done a great job turning around the way homeless people are treated at the cold weather shelters that are run by the Union Rescue Mission, the overall quality and care towards homeless people have changed a great deal and that is because of his leadership. I was also very cool to hear a police officer acting like a human being and treating people with dignity and respect. It was nice to see that there are officers who truly care about the people they have said they would “protect and serve” He was a fine example of what a officer should be and how one should act towards all people. It’s had to feel safe 
when you dont trust the person in the uniform.
Once back home I had to quickly go to the store and grab a nap before my friends Ryan and Moina came over for dinner. This was awesome because it was my time I was having friends over in my apartment for dinner. I have invited people over, but so far only Ryan and Moina have come through. I met Ryan and Moina through my blog and my the work I created while I was homeless. They did the very first HIV outreach with me and Ryan even helped with the very first Unpluggin HIV outreach at USC’s 5p21 HIV Clinic. Since meeting them they have been two people who have loved me unconditionally and supported me and my efforts from their hearts, so it was in deed a great pleasure and honor to have them as my first dinner guests in my new place.
The plan was to cook fish, but since they both eat meat I changed the menu to steak, fresh
green beans, salad and garlic bread. Moina blew me away with her awesome bread pudding. Man I wish I had some of that right now. LOL. It was just like Ma and Nana use to make. It was so nice to spend the evening with two people I truly love, admire and respect. The evening was time well spent with great conversation and a ton of laughter and thanksgiving to God for all that he has allowed each of us to see and live through. Since I was unable to give them a wedding gift, I was so happy I was able to share this awesome evening with them. Who knows we might even get to do something all three of us loves…..CAMPING. How sweet it would be to share a place that has long been a part of my childhoood with two awesome frinds. We might even be able to get a few other people to go along with us. That would be so awesome. WOW, do I hear a camping road trip in the works?
Thursday, I was feeling ok and had planned to spend the day doing all I can to get all caught up, but I got a call from the guy I met at ceramics and he was very stressed out about not getting phone calls returned returned from people. He was also very stressed out about his housing situation and had gone to the Gay and Lesbian Center to try to get help, but that turned out to be a dead end. Had I known he was going to turn to them for support with his housing situation I could have saved him that trip and huge let down. 
Since he was right up the street from me I told him he could come over. The goal was to try to calm him down so he could think things through and make clear choices and not choices based on fear and the feelings of being alone.
He came over and we talked for about what was going on. I let him vent and get everything out of him so we could then find ways to make this bad situation better, or at least look at the good in the bad situation. I’ve learned that rushing people through things that they really need to get out, is not the way to help them, nor will it get them to move forward towards their victory. So I let him vent until he felt he was done. Once past that I asked questions and tried to help him keep things in perspective. He is so close to getting his own housing and making silly, angry choices will only make things harder for him. It was so important for me to get him to see this. While we sat talking aI tried calling all the people I had given him numbers to call. Honestly I was kind of pissed that people had not gotten back to him and in the state of being pissed I too had to calm myself down so that I was able to help him and not cause any added stress.
After 6 calls I was finally able to get my former case manager on the line and she was able
to speak to him. He felt comfortable after talking with her, but there were still so much else that he needed to work through and getting other people on the line to talk with him did not happen, but I refused to let this drag this man down in the dumps to where he would have a hard time coming up from.
I finally got him to calm down and he made some calls and I allowed him to use my laptop to take care of things that he really needed to. Once he started working he got a phone call from the landlord telling him he had been approved for the apartment and to come fill out the rest of the papers, however shortly after that someone from the housing authority called him to say something totally different but offered him no reason why she was going to prevent him from taking the unit. This again made him very upset and honestly I fully understood why he was so upset. One second he is told he can move in and the next his hopes are dashed because someone wants to feel like they are in charge of him.
I suggested he call his worker at the VA, there must be something they can do to help him through this, but just like I thought, she was unable to help with the housing authority, but she was however cool with him and did her best to calm him down and let him know she will do all she can to help. This is far more then he was getting from other places that are supposed to be helping.
The sun had started to set and I he really didnt too far with the housing situation, however he was able to get things done on the internet and that was a relief for him. While talking with him I found out he was feeling like he was in this all alone. No one knows he is HIV positive and other things going on with him. I know how hard it is when people know what you are going through and they are ubhelpful or supportive, but to not feel like you can tell anyone is something I do not know. What I reied to do was support him and let him know that if no one else cares, I certainly do. I told him once again that he can call me anytime when he feels like he is at the end of his rope. Sicne the sun was setting and there would be no way for him to make it back home on the bus for dinner, I offered to take him to dinner. I took him to dinner with my last $50 for the month. Even though it was the last of my money I was not about to let someone leave my home hungry and worried about their fate. I wanted to make sure he knew that someone cared what was going on with him.
I spent most of Friday in the bed sleeping and doing my best to rest. I had plans to go see Sandra Booker in concert at the Hollywood Studio Bar and Grill with my friend Natalie and I didnt want to be worn down, so I slept most of the day until about 4:00PM. I then had to get up and wash my clothes so I had something clean to wear. The first call I made was to the guy who was having the problems and I learned that he got the key to his place, but still had not heard from the person at the housing authority, however he had heard back from his person at the VA and she was unclear as to why the person from the housing authority was being this way because the building had passed inspection and there was no reason for her to hold him up with housing. Since I have been though all of this I know that people who are supposed to be helping can sometimes….many times be the very people who are the worst and the main people who stand firmly in the way and even prevent homeless
people and people with HIV and AIDS from moving forward. It’s sad to me how these people are even allowed to have a job any place.
I spent Friday night with a friend listening to a live Jazz concert. It was so nice to have an entire night for me and not just a few hours out of my night for me. So nice to leave my my cell phone off and not return calls or texts and even nicer to go home and simply relax, turn off the lights and sopend time with me and no one else.
Twice this week I had to put some space between me and some of my viewers on YOUTUBE, it seems that I seem to attack people who have so clear deep problems and they try very hard to make me the answer instead of doing what they need to move past the problems in their lives. I also spent time blocking people and putting some people in check. I have to check people from time to time because they seem to think they can joke about things that are not funny to me like being sick, cancer, HIV and AIDS and even being gay or believing in God. Some people think just cause they can quote the bible this some how gives them the right to stand in judgment on others and are so hell bent of doing so they cant even see that they are doing. The last time I checked that book said “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” but that doesnt apply to them while they are pointing their fingers.
My friends Ryan and Moina came with donations for my outreaches and my other friend Eric helped me this by picking up a donation from my other friend Birgitta. They live very close to each other. So it all worked out in the end and I didnt have to beg and grovel to someone who was never going to help me get them. All it took was one simple email and Eric came through just like he always does and I didnt have to to do any tricks, jump through any hoops, place any phone calls to people to set up conference calls that would never happen.
Another highlight of my week was the fact that President Obama did what he said he would do, he signed the bill extending Ryan White Care Act for four more years and even lifted the HIV travel ban for people entering the United States/ I had the chance to speak to my great aunt and laugh my butt off, made some butter cookies, and speak to my friend Vanessa.
Even though I am far behind with my outreaches for November I am still smiling because I
am still here to at least try to help people which is far more then most are willing to do for anyone. I am smiling because I have some awesome friends in my life who are there for the right reasons and they love and support me for who I am and not for what they think I should be or where I should be. I am smiling because the people in my life are real, not phony and fake, not pretending to like me only to act like they are some awesome gift from God to my life and the world. People who dont have to comment on my blogs, youtube channels or any place else to try to make it clear to me that I know what they have done or how many times they comment. None of that, they are just people who love and respect me for who I am and this is returned in every way.
Right here is where I belong, finally back from no where. God has done just what he said he would do, he has kept me and this victory is so sweet. My life is better in every way. The tears I use to cry have been made into laughs and I am so happy. God is awesome because 
when I was just about to give up, just about to give in, but God said NOT SO. See I know exactly what it feels like to have to start all over again with NOTHING, no money, no family and no friends, not even the ones who claim to be such good ones. I know what it is like to walk alone, cry myself to sleep, feel the darkness get some close I cant even see. I know what it is like to wait for help and have it never come. But thanks to the favor of God I am still here, still able to create, inspire and encourage even in midst of the perfect storm.
Never thought I could be this happy this happy. I never though my heart could feel so much passion, so much love, so much life and now I will work until my last day here to make certain I do all I can to make others feel as good, as cared for as welcomed and loved as God has done for me. BROKE DOWN ME.
I could make excuses and find ways to not help people. I could find many valid reason for not keeping my word, but that is not who I am, nor is it who my parents raised me to be and certainly not who God would have me to be. My word means something to me and to the people I do my best to serve and I am not comfortable finding ways to go back on it for any reason other then death and even in death I will make certain someone will follow
through in the event of my death.
I am so inspired by people like my friends, people like Andy and the officer who got the award, because they still understand that their word means something and they understand that the people they serve depend on them being of their word, like the people I serve depend on me to be of my word and like I expect people who talk about integrity and how they keep their word and how much good they do, not to talk about it but be about it at all times who matter what or how hard, how heavy the case load, how long we have to work or what our social calendar is. When I give my word it means something and I am so glad that my real friends understand this and fully get it and people like Andy and officer Deon are real and true examples of this.
I had a great week, filled with tasks that I had planned and many that were not planned, but in all, even as I was sick and in pain, I kept my word because that means something to me. What does your word say about you?
Andy, Thanks very much for inviting me to the luncheon, and please move forward with the awesome work you are doing for homeless people. Even though we dont see eye to on on things I am both honored and blessed to know you and call you my friend and I am humbled that we both are working toward the same goal of helping people in need, without excuse and without guilt or shame. YOU ROCK!!!
“What are you doing here?” is what I was asked while standing in the lobby on Wednesday that Andy invited me to. I smiled as politely as I could and said “Andy invited me” The look of their face was priceless and I smiled and walked passed them thinking how man will try to close doors in my face, but because of the GRACE, MERCY and the favor of GOD in my life those doors arent just opened, but I am seated at the table that was once closed to people like me…..Homeless people, Black people, Gay people and people with HIV and AIDS.
Inside and seated at the table the reception from the people I sat with was awesome and a few people walked over, shook my hand and thanked me for the work I do and Andy even came over and thanked me for coming and in that moment I saw the person asking what I was doing there on the outside looking in and I smiled saying to myself “greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world.” Now run and tell that!!!
Today was a pretty cool day for me, one reason it was special was because it was Monday and that is the day I have set aside for me to do ceramics. As many of you know I rediscovered this cool art when I was homeless here in Los Angeles. For me the times that I spent doing ceramics were times I could rest, not worry about fighting, not worry about anything, it was a safe place for me to be, off the streets in an environment that is both healthy and supportive.
Brian for my Conversations with Kengi today at the ceramic studio. When I created Conversations with Kengi the goal was to interview people about subjects that matter and to present them in a setting that is just like two friends talking about that very issue or issues. Well today I had the chance to sit with my friend and talk about art and HIV. What came out of the interview was so inspirational and uplifting.
There was another added treat to today and that was the fact that there were other people there while we did the interview and they were so cool with us talking about the studio and talking about something that we all share and have in common……HIV or AIDS. I say it was a treat because, I go on Monday to ceramics because it tends to be a slower day, not as many people there and to be very honest I really like the bond that I now share with both Brian and Troy. Moreover the overall feel is very relaxed and calm, not to imply that Sunday’s are not this way, because I am sure it is, but I like the coolness of being able to talk and share with Brian and Troy. I love the laughs we get to share as well as the stories and the fact that both men have more experience with HIV then I do and I am able to soak in all the wealth and wisdom that they both have to offer.
other guys who were there.
Once I got home tonight and was getting the videos uploaded to youtube I got a call from my friend Kelly on Skype and we agreed to talk later and soon after I got a cell phone call from Bobby and I was able to give him some much needed phone numbers to people I know will lead him in the right direction. I was able to ask him about his medical needs and if he was comfortable with his current doctor and the services he was getting. I asked him all this because while we talked back at ceramics he said something that landed right on my heart and that was “I dont have a choice” and I know this isnt him saying this because he is giving up, but it comes from a system that is so badly broken that it will convince you that there are no other choices where there are plenty. If you recall it was Scott from the AIDS Service Center who told me that “You’re homeless and Skid Row is your only choice” When the real truth was that was the only choice he was willing to give me.
grace, mercy and favor, he has once gain shown me that he is in full control and all things work together for good. He once again showed me that what I am doing is good and I am to keep my eyes forward, not looking to left or the right. He has once again shown me that people like Brian and Troy in my life are not by chance, but part of his plan and purpose.
You know when you wake up and have this feeling that the day you’re opening your eyes to is going to be a good one? The days when the sun is already up and the movement of the city has already started. Almost like it is in full swing? Days where you think to yourself, maybe even say out loud “this is going to be a great day.” Do you know what kind of days I am talking about? Have you had many of those days? Today was one of those days for me…..in fact it has been one of those weekends.
and when I do they are for a very short time period.
color. Ray even shared and talked with me about the book he is reading for school.
have aint up to you and you cant take it away. God is keeping me.
Who knew that while riding the storm I could create something so awesome? Well to be honest I knew I could. However it would take some hard work and determination. It would require me to step outside of self, outside of the box of community and really do all I could to think of others and how they might not do so well if similar circumstances came into play in their life. I had to do something I didn’t do all that often, something I knew I could do, but was hardly ever required of me. I had to become selfless and the journey has been awesome.
is how the hospital makes certain that every detail even down to guest rooms are taken care of for families who have children undergoing a procedure at the hospital. Imagine having a child that needs to have surgery that you are unable to pay for, let alone the cost of coming to a foreign country to have the surgery. Who will care for your other children while you are gone? If you can afford to come who will make sure your child hacing the surgery is taken care of?
Before I knew it our visit was over and we were saying our goodbyes to the staff and to Francis and already looking forward and making plans to return possible in December. While talking about a date to come back we found out that all four of us are Sanitarians and our birthdays are very close to each others.
well.
This week has been pretty relaxing for me. I’ve been getting lots of rest and also working hard on making sure I am fully ready for this weekends Do Something Saturday outreach to Shriner’s Hospital for Children. This is the 4th time my outreach will be going to Shriner’s and I am so looking forward to it.
a link to software that will help me get the ball rolling in laying out the design and concept for a photography book that will showcase my photography. However this past week I ran into some problems with the idea when I learned that the over 14 thousand pictures I have on flickr are all low resolution which may cause some problems with printing. How funny is that?
I went to LACMA and took pictures of the old street lights that use to be on many of the streets here in Los Angeles County. I remember when this was first installed. I was still homeless at the time and I spent at least three hours simply taking pictures of them to help pass the time. Many of those pictures were lost when I lost my laptop in a fist fight later that month.
vlogged about it and not much has changed other the the fact that I am no longer homeless. I still see many of the same people I saw when I was on the streets and I see how hard they are trying to change things, but I also know just how much the deck is stacked against them and all the help that people love to think and believe is there for homeless people truly isn’t. I know this because I lived it for 29 months. When I see homeless people it hurts that I cant do anything to get people to really care, not even the people who claim to be doing so much help for homeless people.
As I walked up the stairs to my apartment there was both sadness and joy in my heart. Sadness because I know people are suffering in this country and most of this country pretends not to see it because it isnt happening to them, sadness because some people feel that homeless people are simple scum and worthless. Sadness because some people feel their illness should get more attention and funding then others and they only feel this way because something is affecting them. But if it didnt affect them I have to wonder if they would feel the same. Sadness because I know people, even those who claim to be in my corner look down on me and what I do and in their sick little mind think I am too stupid to know this. Sadness because some people feel just because they help one or two with an outreach that gives them the right to volunteer for other outreaches and then flake out and I had better not call them on it “because they have done so much” Sadness because people are more willing to talk about CHANGE instead of really working HARD toward making it happen. I felt joy because I now know what it means to say “weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning” I feel jou because even in the midst of the storm there is a blessing, joy because had it not been for the grace, mercy and favor of God I would still be homeless, sicker then I am now and to be very honest I might even be dead. I feel joy because no matter what I am going through, no matter how hard the road gets, no matter how high the mountain is, no matter what the medical report says, no matter how far I think I have sank, no matter what anyone has to say, the final say always comes from God and with him I can do all things and not just climb the mountain, but blow it
out of the way entirely.
This weekend I will make my 4th trip to Shriner’s Hospital for Children here in Los Angeles and I am so looking forward to it because each time I go for this very cool Do Something Saturday outreach I am able to do it with my friends and we are able to help some pretty awesome families who are dealing with some pretty awful things.
is wide and rooms are huge. There is a library, game and movie area they kids can also check out games and movies for their rooms. Each time we go the staff is always so kind and pleasant and we always get the same awesome group leader that we have all come to like so much.
It is with great honor that I am able to return with my organization and two awesome friends to Shiner’s Hospital for Children to reach out to those who are suffering and in need.
This past Sunday I set out to do something I have not done in a long time. In fact it is something I have not done since having the bike I currently ride. I set out to find a place to go off roading and maybe even get some dirt and much all over the bike and me.
but required a slower pace and had some really sharp turns as well as a few points where I had to get off my bike to hike over branches. There were some areas where I needed to do a few jumps to get over the branches as well.
Besides my organization there a two other things that have become very important my life and they too play key roles in my organization as well. Art and photography have long been two of my favorite things. I fell in love with art and ceramics as a kid at summer camp one year and then again when I was a student at Santa Monica High. Photography has always been something I’ve loved and have always done in one way of another. However through the 29 months of homelessness and over a year being HIV positive I once again came to fall in love with art, ceramics and photography.
been lost in the move of the studio and then when a so called friend simply three the rest of the art and my painting away by leaving them behind when she left a place she use to live, after she said she would keep them for me. However there are some pieces that remained and I am working on finishing them.
my days at ceramics and the cool times I get to share with the guys there.
time they didn’t just say it, they actually gave me the tool to help me make it happen. For the first time I now have a tool that will help me put my photography into a book that I get to design and create from start to finish, have it professionally put into a book and possibly sold to people who might think differently then me about my photography. The only thing is selecting from over 14,000 pictures…..and growing. The book will be called My Life Through My Lens and it will take some time as I will need to make and take time to learn the software and also come up with a clear plan for the book, an overall theme that will allow the book to flow and paint one amazing look into my life with very few words.
