Project Kengikat

Food for Thought

// March 31st, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Cooking is what I did for a living. I fell in love with cooking at an early age, but never thought it would be something I would ever do, but for a huge part of my life, food was very much what I did and if I say so myself, I did it very well.

Food was very much my passion and to be honest it was something that I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life. Funny how life can show up and take you down another path. Life showing up really wasn’t a bad thing for me, because through the hardships of life showing up I learned and I am now living my purpose. The very cool thing is that my passion gets to play a role as well.

Through 29 months of homelessness I learned so much, but one of the lessons I learned was the fact that food served by many missions, shelters and access centers is most times is spoiled or very close to it. During homelessness I always had diarrhea and sometimes very severe stomachaches. This only was the case after I had a meal from of the these places. So what did I learn to do? I learned which trash cans to eat out of. It is truly a sad state of affairs when a person results to eating from a trash dumpster rather then going to a mission, shelter or access center to get a meal.

This is where my passion came into play. Early into my outreach I had this desire to provide meals that we healthy and nutritious, but how was I going to do this while I was homeless myself? Pretty much the same way I started my first outreach while I was homeless. Do Something Saturday was born by blogging about what I wanted to do and today blogging is still a huge way for to me share the work I do.

The meal outreach started out pretty basic by offering things like fresh fruits and baked good along with Cliff or PowerBars. Jumbo Jacks and Taco Bell were also passed out to homeless people.It then grew to bag lunches, but not the like spoiled bag lunches given out from the local access center in Santa Monica. In fact it seems that all missions, shelters and access centers all use the same place to make their horrible sandwiches that always seem to be served on bread that is hard or moldy and sometimes both. Soon one of my supporters offered their small kitchen to prepare and store food and my meal service began to grow to offer a limited number of hot meals.

April 2007 marked the first full scale large meal, feeding over 100 homeless people in Santa Monica, Venice and Downtown Los Angeles and 60 seniors from Venice. The summer of 2007 also saw the first homeless picnic on Santa Monica Beach and three BBQ’s to feed homeless people in Santa Monica and Venice.

Last year the meal program was given a new life from some supporters and kicked off with a week long outreach that feed high quality meals to over 100 people. The meal program grew and soon started offering meal cards from McDonald’s as well as Jumbo Jacks from Jack-in-the-Box and breakfast sandwiches. In all the meal program has been a huge success.

Shortly after April 3, 2009 and the start of the second outreach, Unpluggin’ HIV, I gave the meal program it’s name “Kick Start Meals” and today is still going strong. I also created “Sunday Dinner” geared toward feeding homeless people a home cooked Sunday dinner just like I use to get as a kid.

Today “Kick Start Meals” is part of many Do Something Saturday outreaches as well as the Unpluggin’ HIV outreach down on Skid Row as well as the stand alone “Sunday Dinner” outreach for homeless people in areas such as Hollywood, Santa Monica, Venice, West LA and Downtown Los Angeles thanks to the love and support from many supporters who have come to not only embrace what I am trying to do, but also respect it.

It’s really cool that I have found a way to take what I am passionate about and find a way to fit into what my “NIA” (purpose) is about. It is the coolest feeling in the world to wake up each day knowing that I am living a life not filled with fancy and fake people, places and things, but a life filled with compassion, unconditional love and purpose.

As I conclude this blog entry I am reminded of a poem I once read. I am not sure who wrote it, but it has been part of me for a very long time, so I will now share it with you.

The purpose of life

is to be useful

to be responsible

to be honorable

to be compassionate

it is after all

to matter

to count

to stand for something

to have made some difference

that you lived at all

Baskets of Love…3rd Year

// March 28th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

It’s been three years that my organization has been doing its “Baskets of Love” outreach for children from low income families and each year it gets better. This year has been no exception. As I head into the final week of the preparation for the outreach, once again I have exceeded my goal of 25 baskets.

It all started with this idea I had back in 2007 when I was homeless to provide at least 25 Easter Baskets to kids from low income families in the Oakwood are of  Venice, California. Little did I know it would be as well received as it was and I would meet two people who are now my very best friends and huge supporters of my organization…..Tina and Andy.

This year I had the same grand idea to provide at least 25 Easter Baskets to kid from low income families. Last year I reached 32 baskets that were given to children at Shriner’s Hospital for Children here in Los Angeles. However this year with the fear of H1N1 lurking around every corner the option of doing this outreach again for Shriner’s was no longer possible. I wasn’t going to allow this outreach not to happen, so I thought of how I could take the outreach back to its roots and have it help kids from a certain neighborhood. This is when it hit me, there are plenty of kids here in my building that would love an awesome Easter Basket and I know families would really welcome the offer of support.

The idea took shape and today I am a week away from making some pretty special kids very happy. Now it may sound like that I did this all by myself, but this could not be further from the truth. Each outreach I plan my core group of supporters, who all happen to be my friends, are always there to help out in any way they can. This combined with the efforts of friends from Project KengiKat and my YOUTUBE channel all make what I do come together with one thing in mind……”being of service”

I was really looking forward to today, because it was a chance to hang out with my friends, while doing something really cool for others. I have to say that is the sweet reward of doing what I do…I get to do it with my friends. How many people can say that they get to create things and work with people who are truly their friends? People they love and respect?

The added bonus from today was the fact that two of the students from the School of Social Work that I spoke on Tuesday also came by. They wanted to film me and while I was working with my friend putting the baskets together for the outreach. However it was more of my friends working while I was being interviewed. Another sweet bonus was that I had the chance to do a video of them talking about things surrounding homelessness, HIV and AIDS and how they can work or impact the lives of people they will soon be serving. I must say that it is so encouraging to hear from people going into the field of social work who are very clear t what they are getting into and are also eager to embrace new ideas that will foster real change in the lives of their clients.

After the interview we all sat down to have lunch and over lunch it was so cool to get their perspectives and even hear myfriend Tina offer suggestions for ways they can work to change things that are so wrong with the system. It was also cool to hear my friend Eric share the work that he does as well. Recently I had the chance to read a letter Eric wrote for me for the Los Angeles County Commission on HIV and I have to tell you that I was so blown away and humbled by what he wrote. I hear all the time that I am an inspiration, but it is people like Eric, Tina and the rest of my friends who I find so much strength, courage and inspiration from. It is in huge part because of them that I am able to do the awesome work that I do and I am so thankful for people like them in my life.

Christy and Ashley needed to head out and Eric, Tina and I went to work on finishing the remaining baskets. Once again it was so cool to have the chance to do this with friends and also have to time share our thoughts, laughs and insights with each other.

By the end of the day we had put together 34 beautiful Easter Baskets for kids from low income families. My Aunt Emma called me earlier in the day to let me know that she too was going to donate baskets as well and this would bring the total of to 44. How sweet is this?

I recall once when I blogged asking people if a hero could be a homeless person or if a homeless person could inspire people and all of the reply were “no” Little did they know that I was asking this question for really selfish reasons. It is amazing how people will really let you know what they really think about you when they don’t know it is you they are speaking about or have such disregard for.

I am reminded of the story in the bible of the slave in the house of someone who had leprosy and it was this slave who was able to take this man with all his wealth and riches, all his connections to someone who could heal him. Imagine that, a slave…the lowest of the low, someone who is supposed to know nothing, let alone be able to help anyone, someone with no position, no standing being able to take someone to a place where they can be healed.

CHANGE can come from anyone. Any of us have the power within ourselves to bring about positive CHANGE. We don’t need to be in such good standing, held in high esteem in certain areas of society, we don’t need wealth, fame or fortune. All we simply need is a desire and will to make it happen and all that we dream of, all that we want to CHANGE can be done. The power is in us.

People told me that I was stupid for wanting to start this out back in 2007. Others waited for it to fail. Some have called what I do pointless, worthless and not empowering to anyone. Guess what? It is not up to them, they don’t get to decide and they have no say in what I am able to create. Who I am able to inspire or who I am able to help.

They next time someone tells you that you need a position, money, fame, fortune or some big fancy office surrounded by fancy people, wearing fancy clothes, going to fancy parties, doing fancy things for other fancy people who don’t give a fancy care about anyone other then them and their fancyness. You tell them to KICK ROCK, break their their toes kicking them rocks and you keep it pushin.

I want to extend my heart felt thanks to everyone who has made this outreach possible. I am only able to do what I do because of awesome people like you. People who care greater then community, people who think bigger then community, people who are willing to go the distance for people in need, without judgment, guilt or shame. People who still believe in keeping their word because it adds integrity to their character. People who suit up and show up no matter what, without excuse. People who believe in the greatness of mankind. People who believe in “humanity before politics” love for their fellow human beings before religious doctrine or dogma. People who believe in the dream in Dr. King and being the CHANGE that Gandhi spoke of. People who know how to love unconditionally, not because some book says it is the right by some God, but because the soul commands them to.

When I look at the people in life I am so encouraged, so honored, so humbled, so inspired by each of you and it is with all of this that I will fight with all that is within me to KEEP HOPE ALIVE. Not for community, but for humanity.

It is because people like you, who see past my many flaws and see my heart and for this I am so THANKFUL.

Does Race Play a Role?

// March 26th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Next month will mark two years that I have been HIV positive and the road has not been an easy one. In fact it was a very difficult road and to think that I am not on HIV meds is a pretty sad statement. What would things have been like if I was in fact on meds. Judging by what all the hardships I had with doctors, clinics, ADAP and even housing options it’s not hard to imagine that I would either be much sicker or even dead….stigma and education or me not being fully engaged would not be the reasons, but access to care would be.

After nearly two years of less the lousy medical care and support services, I know have an awesome Dr with an awesome case manager backed by a outstanding team of people who truly care about me as a person and as a patient. For first time since being diagnosed (April 3, 2008) I am no longer in the dark about my care, I have a doctor and medical team I fully trust without any questions, I no longer feel that my HIV will lead to AIDS and eventually lead to my death.

When I read reports or hear of them from all sorts of places that give statistics of how HIV and AIDS affects Blacks I have to question if these statistics are this way because of access to care and care services. I have ask how many Blacks have faced the same if not more problems, discrimination and down right ignorance, education and huge amount of stigma that comes the people who are supposed to be caring for them. How many of Black people fall out of care because of the road blocks put in place by a failing system.

Moreover how many of these same reports were flawed? How many steps have been taken to really address the issues that face Blacks and how HIV and AIDS affect them? How many changes have been made in treatment and access to it? How many changes have been made in prevention as well as education as it pertains to Blacks? Can we truly believe that all is being done to change how HIV and AIDS is affecting Blacks? Based on what I went through, the answer is very little and in many cases NOTHING is being done and NO we can not believe that all is being done to turn this around. Sounds very harsh I know, but I am just looking at things based on how things have gone for me. I know I am not the only one, because I know other people who feel the same way.

If we are really going to address the way HIV and AIDS affects Blacks, then we must truly look at how services like education, prevention and access to care and care support also affect Blacks. We must honestly take a closer and hard look at all studies, focus groups, statistics, reports and even care providers and how they too play key roles in how HIV and AIDS affect Blacks.

I think if we do this we will discover that we think is true as to why HIV and AIDS affects Blacks we will see that there is a lot more causing the results and while many will be alarmed at what is found, I will not be and I know many Blacks will also not be alarmed.

Does race play a role in how Blacks are affected by HIV and AIDS?

Yes is does.

What is HIV Support?

// March 25th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

What exactly is an HIV support group? What do they do? What kinds of support are they supposed to offer? Are you supposed to walk away feeling more confused and more afraid? Are they supposed to help you through hard times? Or just another place for gay guys to be catty or talk talk shit? Is it a therapy session for people to talk about how HIV has ruined their live? Or is a place for healing?

Since I became positive I have tried unsuccessfully to find a “support group” where I feel like I fit into, where I feel like the people are like me, dealing with and going through the same things as me. I was homeless when I was diagnosed and being homeless is the most isolating, degrading, humiliating and yes even depressing thing I have ever had to deal with. HIV only added to it. Not because I was having a hard time with being HIV positive, but the fact that not even people with HIV seemed to even care about what I was going through.

After homelessness came to an end after 29 long months, I once again tried to find an HIV support group, I even joined some online social networks in hopes of finding people who are gay and HIV positive just like me. Again I walked away feeling like there was something wrong with me. I refuse to be a victim, refuse to sit and moan and grown about how bad having HIV is. I refuse to allow HIV be the only thing that drives me or the only thing I can talk, blog or vlog about. I guess what I am saying is that I refuse to let HIV become the only thing in my life. I refuse to let it take over.

What I have discovered in creating my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach is that there are plenty of people with HIV who feel the very same way as I do. HIV support don’t work….for many people. So with my outreach I created and have worked very hard to make sure that people who are facing and dealing with so much more then HIV have someone who will listen, someone will will do their best to understand, someone who wont pretend like they have all the answers and know what to do, someone who will not make them feel any worse then they already may feel. Through this outreach I have tried very hard to do what other “HIV support groups” failed to do for me…..I try very hard to make people with HIV feel like they have a real friend, that they have someone who can relate to that they are facing.

Since creating this outreach I have tried very hard to identify the needs of the people down on Skid Row and I have done all I can to help out in any way I can. I have tried to get people to care and some times I am successful, but many times I am not and many times I sit in tears feeling like I have failed. Next month is the very first outreach for the residents of my Skid Row outreach where soemone will come to make a presentation on “understanding your labs” I am so happy I was able to make this happen.

However I wont stop there, just like my Do Something Saturday outreach for homeless people I will work very hard to find people and services who will care for the people I try so hard to serve, I will work hard to find some people who are out of the box thinkers just like me. I will not allow people in need to be overlooked or left out, because traditional “HIV support groups” can not or will not make room for them and do everything they can to reach out to them. I refuse to allow the residents of Skid Row to become any statistic on some CDC report or any other report for that matter that seems to point to them being filled with stigma or lack of education. I refuse to sit by and do nothing.

I am doing this because two people, my two best friends did this for me, Tina and Andy refused to let me give up, refused to allow me to be alone in my fight, they worked to find ways to make me feel good about me, safe inside my skin, they refused to allow me to believe for one second that I was not worthy of medical care, HIV support or support services. Other people in my life have also refused to allow me to fall by the way side and here I stand today ready to do all I can to serve the people of Skid Row as well as anyone else who does not fit into the four narrow walls of “HIV support”

But most of all I am doing it because it is the right thing to do and making excuses about the way things are doesn’t fix them, it only created another reason not to do anything about it.

Day 2 “RISE”

// March 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Today was day two of my public speaking to students in USC’s School of Social Work and just like last night when I spoke at the Skirbal Cultural Center, the experience was awesome and I was truly honored and humbled to be able to once again share my life experience with amazing students and their professor.

Before I get started I guess I should say how I ended my night last night after speaking at Skirbal…well at least once I was back home anyway and this was simply to take some time to be thankful for where my life is right now and just how richly blessed my life is.

I talk a lot about the amazing people in my life and I just want to take the time to say that the people who are in my life now, I am so blessed to call friends, so honored to be able to reach out when I need to and know that someone will be right there. This can also be said for my HIV clinic, it is so nice to know that I have a team in place that will work together with me on this life long journey with HIV. I have every confidence that they will take the very best of care of me every step of the way.

I will say that I was a bit tired from the night before when I got up this morning. I had a bit of a hard time sleeping because my I was in a bit more pain then usual from my Sickle Cell. This caused my morning to start pretty slow. However after a pot of strong black coffee, a brisk walk with Dodger and then this amazing “check in” conversation with my friend Darlyna, I was feeling very good.

Darlyna called to check on me and to see how things had gone the night before. I shared with her how things went and then we laughed and talked about all sorts of things. Right as we were about to end our call Darlyna said something that really touched my heart. We have this running joke that she makes me laugh very loud when Dodger is sleeping…I always say “Now you can’t be having me make all this noise Darlyna, my baby is sleeping damn it.” we both burst into more laughter and there is also the other joke where I watch her videos and I have to make sure there is nothing in my mouth, because it will come out from her making me laugh. When I say it will come out I mean through my noise and mouth.

Darlyna said that I encourage (inspire) her to get out and do something, either for herself or someone else. When I heard this, my heart sort of jumped because with my YOUTUBE channel it has never been about how many people subscribe or how many friends I have, it certainly has not been about how many comments my videos get, but it has been about inspiring people, so when I hear things like this from people my heart always jumps because  I know I have done what I have set out to do. If I can encourage one person to change how they view homeless people or people with HIV or AIDS, if I can encourage or inspire someone to try their very best to live a life of purpose and meaning, then I have done what I wanted to do.

Aunt Emma arrived right at 12:00PM to pick me up. Once again it was so nice to have a friend there with me, but right before she got to my place I sent a message to my old friend KoKo and said how it would be nice to have her there as well. I’ve known KoKo a very long time…..since we were kids and for some reason I felt compelled to invite her. For those of you who read my blog or watch my YOUTUBE channel then you know I have had bad luck with reconnecting with people from my childhood, even though I was the one who was homeless and battling so much, I was clearly in a much better place in my life then they were. I have been very careful about letting people from childhood come back into my life. I remember my Ma told me once that there were reasons I did not keep in touch with many people after leaving Santa Monica High and now I fully knew what she meant. However KoKo was unlike the others and to be very honest, she was my friend in school. Not one of those say hi and smile in your face , then talk shit behind your back kind of friends, but a friend who cared, someone who was real and kind.

Each time I get the chance to visit the USC campus it seems like I am walking back into a time when things were simple, life was gentle and my cares were few, but today when I stepped on campus those  feeling were there, but I no longer long for them or wish for them to be back. I guess being homelessness last year when I spoke and now being where I am today with quality people many of whom are my very dear friends, in a great apartment with a sweet view of the Hollywood sign and always a golden sunset…..you know I cant forget Dodger really makes me feel settled again in my life, but this time I am settled with a purpose.

Having a purpose in life changes ALL THINGS, your entire outlook, perspectives, desires, wants, pleasures and all of this changes completely when your life have a purpose. It is so hard to explain, but for those of you who are reading this and know you are living your purpose, then you fully know what I am talking about.

Speaking again today was awesome and I am blessed to have been able to do it and share it with people I know love me, but most of all what made today so cool was a question one of the students asked me and that has been with me all day and once back sitting my my own apartment my tears just began to flow, not because I was sad or afraid, but because my soul was is so full right now that it started to run over and I could not stop it.

God has allowed me to feel the sun on my face, love in heart, friend in my life, all that was removed has been replaced by people and things who are far better then what was once in my life, my soul is feeling peace and the safe harbor is use to find in my parents in now in my own heart. I no longer have to be afraid of what might come my way or what mountain I may have to climb, because I know as long as I stay the course and keep my eyes forward, not looking to the left or to the right things will fall in line. As long as I do my best to live a life filled with not for self, but for others, as long as I keep the love of God front and center, as long as I always trust and believe, then I will be fine and no weapon formed against me will even prosper. When I say weapon I mean anything that is meant to destroy me and the greatness that is within me, it just wont work, not Sickle Cell, not cancer, not HIV, not homelessness, not poverty, not hate, not words aimed at me to cause me to stumble and get off track, not what is said by others, not anything that comes against me will defeat me and cause me to not trust God and what I am able to overcome.

I am smiling and it feels so damn good to smile….FOR ME!!! MY LIFE IS SO RICHLY BLESSED and for this I am so grateful.

Day 1…Public Speaking @ USC

// March 23rd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Last year as things started to change in my life and homelessness was about to come to an end for me, I had the huge honor and humbling experience to speak in the Department of Social Work at USC. From that experience I met some pretty awesome people who have been such amazing inspiration as well as strong supporters of my community work.

Last night I once again had the chance to speak to students in the Department of Social Work for the very same professor from USC and once again the experience was priceless and very humbling. So much has changed in my life since I spoke the very first time. When I say so much, I mean far more then simply having my own place to live. I am such a different person from last year.

I had the chance to share my experience through 29 months of homelessness and I also had the chance to offer my suggestions as to how things can be fixed in the system that is so badly broken. I took questions from the students and was able to hopefully offer them some clear answers that will help them along their paths in their perspective jobs in the field of social work.

My friends Emma (Aunt Emma) and Natalie came to see me speak. This was so cool for me to have people there that I knew, Iguess it was the feeling of safety for me to have faces that I knew looking on, but more importantly to have people there who know what I have been through. The smiling face of the professor was also so very welcoming and very comforting. The smiles and laughs from the students relaxed me and I was able to do my best.

At the end of my presentation many of the students come up to me to speak with me and thank me for speaking with them. All of them were very kind. However there is one who truly stands out and that was the exchange I had from one of the students who was eager to ask questions. He came up to me shook my hand and said “I would like to buy you dinner when you are in Washington” and he handed me a 20 and then he hugged me. Now I know hugs and I know a fake one when I get one, but the hug that came from this student really surprised me, because it felt genuine, it didn’t feel a I feel sorry for you hug, or a you poor guy hug, it felt like a hug of “thank you” not just for sharing my experience but for getting through  it all. The exchange is one of those that will be at the top of some of my most memorable experiences.

The last exchanged that stood out was from a young female with an awesome smile and gentle spirit. I can’t remember where she was from, but we spoke of how Los Angeles is very different and how services here are unlike services in the  place where she came from, in fact the homeless population is almost non existent. She expressed a desire to work to change the way things are and for me that was so very refreshing to see and hear. Someone who is going into the field of social work knowing there is so much that needs to be changed in order for things to work the way they were intended. Going into the field that can cause hurt, harm or shame to the people who are already suffering so much. The desire and compassion that I felt flowing from her was inspiring and very encouraging.

My first night went well, however today is day two and I know my presentation will be a lot better because of the opportunity I had to speak in front of some awesome USC students last night. Their questions will help me present a stronger case about the importance of advocacy, case managers as well as social workers. It will allow me to make a presentation that highlights how very critical positive touch along with dignity and respect must be restored in order to move those in need back toward a path that is healthy.

While walking back to the cars  Aunt Emma and Natalie told me how well I did……well I asked how I did. It was so nice to have them both there because they both are people in my life who are so very important to me and have been so instrumental in helping me move forward with my life as well as my organization. They are both woman who have so many characteristics that remind me of my Ma and they both show up for me right when I really need them and I don’t even have to ask…..just like Ma use to.

Many of you know that I spend the very little that is left from my own money to provide fro others and many times I use most if not all of my food stamps to purchase meals for people. Many times for myself I rely on food banks and help from my friends, however most times I simply dont ask for myself. On the drive home Natalie asked if I needed food and I said yes….well I said I could put some beans on. I really didn’t have that much in my refrigerator, besides two chicken breast and two game hens. Natalie took me to the store to shop for food, once inside she told me to shop just like I always do.

I got very basic things because I don’t want to exhaust my friendship. This is true for my two best friends Tina and Andy as well as Patrick, Krystal, Eric, Willow, Aunt Emma and Fa. I don’t ask for me and when it is offered most times I say “I am fine” or I take just a little. Even though I know they will help me, I don’t want to not have their friendships because I am always asking for help. Many times when I get offers to go out and have fun either to a party, lunch, dinner or even to just chill, I tend to say no, because I can not afford it and I don’t want my friends to always pay for me. Even though I know they fully know and understand my situation.

This may sound silly to most and to be very honest it has upset many of my friends, but I have had so many people offer only to then hold it over my head or even worse take their friendships away from me and this is something I don’t want to have happen in my life anymore. I love my friends and I want to keep them. In my heart I know they are not like the others who have walked away….in my heart I really know this, but my head won’t let my heart be hurt again.

As I type this blog out I am so thankful for what I have in my life, who I have in my life. I dont have many friends, but those I do have are also my family and they truly mean the world to me. I am so humbled that they have picked someone as broke down as me to have as a friend.

I am so humbled and thankful for the opportunity to speak and share my experiences and I don’t know why this professor has invited me to speak again this year, but I am so thankful that she see’s something in me, from my life experience that she is willing to ask me to speak and share with her classes to give them a better, more broad and I would say even complete education by allowing people like me to stand before them.

As I continue to emerge from the what I call the perfect storm in my life, my prayer is that God will keep me humble and thankful for how his favor is opening doors for me and I can boldly walk through, with my head held high into a sweet victory with no regret, no guilt or shame. I know that because of his grace, mercy and favor I must move forward in love and not dare look back, because if I do so, my eyes will be off my path and I will get off track and I simply cant get off track.

In the words of my sister from YOUTUBE “I am the winner of this challenge, I have immunity and I can not be eliminated”

Higher Mountains

// March 22nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The past two days have been days that I have taken much needed time out for me. Although this time out has been for me, it has also been about spending more time with Dodger and getting myself prepare and centered for my two public speaking engagements that I have this week.

Today (Monday) and tomorrow I have the huge opportunity and honor to speak to social work students about some real life issues facing many people in this nation and how very important it is for them as social work students about to enter the field of work that could play key roles in the lives of people who are on the edge. How important it is for them to always remember that each individual should be treated as just that…..an individual and not some statistic or study. How very important it is for them to always keep in mind that their actions will play huge roles in the lives of the people they may be serving.

In speaking with them I will be sharing my experiences of the 29 months of homelessness, as well as my experience of speaking with people who’s lives have been affected by either homelessness or lack or medical care.

I want to be able to present a clear point of view, so I took this weekend to reflect on things and even reach out to my friends for advice and support. Going with me tonight is someone who has become very special in my life as I now call her my Aunt Emma, my friend Natalie is also going to come and she too has been someone who has been pretty special to me.

I took time to watch a video from a friend of mine on YOUTUBE and she really inspired me and gave me some inspiration. She is someone who uses passages from the Bible to illustrate a point and then make it real for all people and show them how it can apply to their own life. He messages are powerful and unlike other people who have channels were they use the Bible to make a point, she does it from pure place and do not sound like or come from a position of judgment or condemnation. Her messages apply to all HUMANITY regardless of what they may or may not believe in or subscribe to. He messages are about LOVE.

Saturday I went for a long walk and hike with Dodger, it was a great way for me to spend time with him and also be outside on such an awesome day to allow myself to think and take in all that God still allows me to be part of.

I happen to live in place that I believe is the most beautiful place in the world. I am surrounded by beauty and so many awesome as well as creative people. I live in an area where someone of Latino decent to raise above the hardships of life and become Mayor of the greatest city of the world….Los Angeles. I live in a city where people prove daily that this is truly the city of Angels and as long as we do our best, we are able to overcome anything…….even homelessness and being sick.

While hiking up I took pictures with my BlackBerry. As I look at them today and think about the hike I went on with Dodger. The hike was upward and at times it was a bit difficult, there were points were Dodger and I needed to take a break in order for us to move toward the top. All the way up I could see down the mountain from where I first started and I could also see people in front of me as well as coming up behind me. When we reached the top the view was awesome and I felt so good for not giving up or turning around when the hike seemed to be too much for me.

The hike was very much like my walk through 29 months of homelessness, most of it alone, with friend walking away or people saying and even writing things about me that were not true, the hardships of not having a place to stay, many times nothing to eat and feelings of being so alone and even lost at times. But something deep inside of me told me to keep climbing, keep reaching, keep smiling, keep believing in myself no matter what can my way. My faith refused to allow me to turn around and give up and today while my road has gotten much better as I now having housing and an awesome doctor with a great care team, my organization is getting stronger, the outreaches I created while homeless still continue to grow and spread the message of LOVE, the road is still very much up hill and there are times when it gets steep and I feel discouraged, but again my faith pushes me forward and the tears have begun to fade.

It’s now 3:07PM and I will take Dodger out for a walk and then start to get ready for the first of two days of speaking to people and sharing a message of love.

When I go to the top of the mountain I smile to myself because I could hear something inside me say, this is not a race, go at your own pace and keep moving forward in greater works, remain humble and thankful and keep God at the center. Things wont always be great and my days wont always be filled with sunshine, but with each storm there are blessings, we each step there is growth, so I must endure until the very end.

Health Care Reform….Moving Forward?

// March 22nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

To be honest I was one of those who never thought I would live to see the day when this country would have a Black man leading her, but here I sit typing this blog and the leader of the what I consider to be the greatest country in the world .is Black man. HISTORY is so sweet!!!

For most of the day I watched the health care reform dates that lead to the historic passing of what I think is is the single most important civil rights issue facing this nation. As it was taking place I was thinking to myself that not only is this great for the country, but it is also great for President Obama and his administration because no President before him was ever able to get anything close to this done. In fact is hasn’t been since the 1060’s that this country passed something so massive and this is when Medicare was passed.

But with all the good that will come out of providing health care to Americans, something so ugly also came out of it as well and it is something that this country has never fully faced, in fact we pretend that it doesn’t even exist. Since before Obama took office the strong hatred for Blacks has been in clear view and with his State of the Union Address this hatred was bold enough to call him a liar. Not once during the many millions of lies and downright racist and destructive administration was George Bush ever attacked while giving his State of the Union speeches.

One Black leader was called “nigger” and another had someone spit in his face. There was also one leader who was called “fagot” Hatred and racism is now front and center in plain view not just for America to see, but for the entire world to see. How shameful? I doubt that the people behind such attacks have any shame for what they said and did.

This morning while watching the view Elizabeth, one of the co-hosts did her best to defend such actions and even tried to blame then on the people who they aimed at. How disgusting for anyone to think that spitting in someones face, calling someone “nigger” or “fagot” is ever acceptable.

While this nation took great steps forward into providing health care for the people of this nation, I also see where this nation continues to take HUGE steps backwards when it comes to issues surrounding race and sexual orientation.

Health Care Reform…Should HIV matter?

// March 22nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Health Care Reform (HCR), in this country is such a hot button topic. These three words seem to be just as bad as words with four letters and many times since this debate started both sides of the aisle along with the American media have made them as such.

So much has been said HCR and most us it was nothing more then lies only to cause people to panic, point the fingers and even an out burst during the State of Union Address where this nations leader was called a “liar” Not once in the 8 years of the many millions of lies former President Bush boldly told this country and the rest of world has anyone ever had such an outburst during his speeches to this nation.

However the President stayed the course just like he did on the way to the White House when every step of the was filled with lies and attacks. He was told that HCR was too big to take on and that the American people did not want it. He was told that he should just give up on health care and once again both sides of the aisle and the American media played key roles in not telling the people of this country the truth.

I never thought in a million years anyone would ever see the day when a Black man would lead this country, not because I doubt their ability to lead, but the ability of this nation to allow them to do so. Not only is a Black man now leading this country, it is the same Black man that has done something that many before him have failed to get done or were not even brave enough to see it through. Tonight I watched as this nation did something that has not been done since the creation of Medicare in the 1960’s. I watched as this nation passed HCR ushering this nation into the 21st century.

The Journey

Most of my life I had health care, as a kid it was something my parents provided for me and I never had to even think about it, not to mention what it was costing them. I say costing them because I was unlike most kids, because I was born with Sickle Cell disease. Going to the doctor, seeing specialists and also being sick enough to have stayed in the hospital so much I was always in the same room and everyone knew me. I never once heard my parents say a word about the cost.

When I was old enough to know better I began to ask and this is when I was so happy was to be different from millions of kids in this country…..I had parents would afford awesome health care and because of this I am still here.

As an adult health care was something I needed to remain on top of and I wasn’t about to allow my parents to continue to pay for it, so this is when I came face to face with the high cost of health insurance and it was the first time I was denied because of my Sickle Cell. I was able to eventually find health care and it was great, but I had to pay for it and thankfully I was able to do so.

In addition to my Sickle Cell I have also had more then my fair share of battles with cancer along with broken bones, dental and eye exams. It (health care insurance) was something that I really never thought I would ever have to think about, it certainly wasn’t something I ever thought I would not have, but I also never thought I would be homeless either.

Through 29 months of homelessness I learned what it meant to be considered worthless, lower the gum on the pavement and most of all I learned what it was like to not have health care. People talk about how only one or two things need to go wrong in someones life and could be homeless. In my life everything that could go wrong all went wrong at once, there was so much pressure on me that I thought I would go crazy, but my faith prevented that and it carried my through 29 months of homelessness and less then deplorable health care.

Now one would think that someone like me who was battling Sickle Cell and cancer for the 4th time that something like housing and health care would be of the most importance, but that is not the case in the country. I was homeless and that was the only thing that mattered. I have learned that homeless people in this country are not alone when it comes to being treated worthless looked down upon. This is not something that is exclusive to the United States. It is universal and takes place in every country on the planet……some are just better at hiding it then others.

People already think homeless people are worthless, so imagine how they would feel about providing health care to someone who is homeless. Imagine this just think of the homeless person you laughed at today, moved away from on the bus or train or nearly ran over while you rushed by buy you over priced cup of coffee. Think about the homeless person you told to “shut the fuck up” or “get a job” If you’re police officer then think of the homeless person you arrested for sleeping in public or think about the time you took their sleeping bag and backpack. When you think about all this, then think if you would really want to offer health care to someone who is homeless.

April 3, 2008 I was diagnosed HIV positive and think what will always be the most shocking to me is how the hospital social worker told me that HIV would be a blessing for me and I should try to look at it as such because since I was not HIV positive I would get housing and medical care. She went on to tell me that this blessing would allow me to move forward with my life. Now if she told me I had AIDS then she would have been right about health care. That would be the only way I would qualify for Social Security or Medi-Cal.

You read that right…..I would need to be sicker in order to qualify for health care. How stupid of me to think that now being HIV positive would open the door to health care. But hey this is just one more thing I caused. After all I was homeless because I was careless, stupid, backwards, a bum, lazy and so many other things and we all know that only nasty people who are reckless and don’t give a rats ass about their life, a sinner on their way to hell, because God created HIV and AIDS to punish gay people who are the only people affected by HIV and AIDS.  So why offer access to health care to people like this?

The bottom line for me has been it did not matter that I was sick with Sickle Cell or cancer, It did not matter that I now had HIV. What mattered was that I was homeless and homeless people don’t count. This is not rare or something that happens every now and then. It is something that takes place in this country daily and I am sure that it happens in other countries as well.

Now other countries have universal health care that provides great care for people it covers and that is great to here, but when you ask deeper questions then you will discover that these countries does not provide for all people and I say this because all people includes homeless people that may have HIV or AIDS.

This is why health care reform must be for all people and most be about health care, not party politics and not about HIV or AIDS. Health care reform must be about providing all a nations people with heath care and nothing more. Did America just pass legislation that will provide health care for all people? Will everyone be able to afford it? The answer to both questions is NO. However passing this legislation is good for this nation and all her people and in the long run will be better for all the people of this nation regardless of things like cancer and HIV or AIDS.

How did I get through this without health care? I grew up with it and simply because I am now not able to provide it for myself does not mean that I am not entitled to it. I got threw all of this because I refused to give up, I refused to be yet another Black man with HIV that leads to AIDS and I then end of dead, not because of stigma and education but because of access to health care. I refused to be another blimp on some CDC report. I demanded equal access to care and thanks to not giving up and always demanding I be cared for I find myself with an awesome HIV doctor backed by the strength of an outstanding health care team.

I still do not have any type of health care and to be very honest I do not know the huge progress this country just made in passing health care reform, will really provide full or equal access for me or people like me…….poor and not able to buy and not sick enough to qualify for government programs. However this does not diminish the fact that it was time for this country to move forward and at least try to provide health care to most of this nation.

Over 31 million MORE people now have access to health care and that is a great thing no matter how you look at it. It was something that needed to be done and I am proud that President Obama was brave enough, care enough and fought hard enough to make this happen for all Americans.

So I guess for now I will be like people in other countries who must reply on Free Clinics and emergency rooms for my health care. Is this equal access? No. Does this provide even just ok health care….sure…maybe, but just like homelessness I will get through it.

So I guess when I look at it, there is no difference in health care service for people who are housed no matter where you live. But when you’re homeless there are massive differences and being HIV positive has nothing to do with it.

It is a great thing that our government has passed health care reform and although it wont fix all or be the end to the health care debate, it certainly is steps in the right direction and maybe one day it will cover all people, but to sit by and not at least try to provide health care or try to stop and slow it down from happening is simply wrong.

Dr. King fought for things he knew he would never see happen in his lifetime, but he was still willing to stand up for it, fight for it, march for it and ultimately be murdered for it. I am so proud of President Obama for standing up for this nation, not walking away from the health care reform issue that many said would never take place, he thought of what was in the best interest of this nation and in the end it all worked out for the greater good of the people of this great nation.

CHANGE and PROGRESS takes time and patience and we must stay the course to do what’s best for the people of this nation. Health Care Reform is what is best for this nation. Sometimes the CHANGE and PROGRESS we are working toward my not take shape until after we have passed away, but we must be willing to work toward them.

Gotta Love PRINCE….1999

// March 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Today was a day for me to just do some cleaning as well as think about what I want to say when I speak on Monday and Tuesday of next week. There was lots to do around the apartment and this included spending some buddy time with Dodger, as well as giving him a much needed bath.

My place is a decent size place and I am so happy to have it, because as the clock strikes 12:13AM on a Saturday night I know where I could be right now…..waiting for a bus to ride it back and fourth on Wilshire or trying to find a dark place along some beach or dark alley to try to get some sleep.

I did my laundry the other day, because I now know the best time to do it is mid morning when the families are busy with getting ready for their youngest kids to come home from school so the chances that the laundry room will be wide open are great. This allows me to do both loads and be done with it. I really hate to wash clothes.

This morning I slept kind of late and I so needed it because I worked out Friday night and I think I may have pushed myself a bit too much, because I am in a bit of pain and not the pain where you feel like you’ve done a great workout, but the kind of pain you get when you have done too much. Plus I have been running all week taking care of all that I needed to get done, so sleeping in was a treat for me.

The first order of business as always is to make some coffee and then throw on something to take Dodger of for his morning business. Today I think I surprised him because he too was sleeping late and slow to jump around when I grabbed his leash like he usually does. Once he yawned a few time and stretched he was all set to go. The first walk of the day is always a short one. Just to the grass, then to the corner and back inside. As soon as we got back inside he went right for my bed and jumped up and put his head down as if to say “I need more rest” I let him do his thing.

I wasn’t sure where to start, but I knew I was going to need some music, so I loaded Pandora Music Player and was all set. Something was wrong though. I had already walked away and no music was on. I walked back over thinking I had to turn the mute off, but I was wrong. The I checked to see if the speakers were turned on and the blue light on the control signaled they were on, however they were not working. The other day the right speaker stopped working and so I figured the the entire thing just decided to stop working as well. I got this set of speakers for my birthday and I am not a fan of HP because I think they make lousy products and when you call for tech support you get someone who says their name is Brad when they know damn well their real name is Ahckmed or something like this. I spent 45 minutes trying to trouble shoot the problem with someone who barely understood English. Asking to speak to her supervisor took over 10 minutes and even when he came to the line he too was no help. They told me the serial number I was giving them was wrong. I just dont know how this could be because I was reading it from the bottom on my speaker. I gave up and email the corporate office and I know they dont give a damn, but it made me feel a bit better.

I thought I should let the person who gave the speakers as a gift know that they have stopped working, but just as I sent her the text I knew she would never return it. She has this bad habit of not returning phone calls and text messages until a few days later or even a whole week or longer, but if she texts you or calls you then you had better answer. I sent two text messages that were never returned and this is now part of two messages that I have left for her as well. Now when she does decide to call and ask and I tell her I threw them away she will be very upset.

Where was I? Ahhh, music. I used my laptop speakers and they were just fine. I decided to start in the bathroom and then work my way to the kitchen. I picked the bathroom because it was much easier then the rest of my apartment and Dodger was still sleeping in my bed so changing the sheets was really out of the question. So while he slept like sleeping he was Prince Dodger I began my long day of cleaning like I was Cinderfella. LOL

The kitchen was next and this was by far the last place I wanted to clean, because there was just so much to do in there likedishes, trash, cleaning the inside of the refrigerator, organizing what little storage containers I have, then off to do the same for the pots and pans. My microwave was pretty clean because I only use it to warm coffee once the pot has turned off. However there is all this recycling that I have not had the chance to do for two reasons…..no car anymore and the place I sue to do the recycling is no longer there. I’ve tried to use the stores but they have all refused. I have to do something soon because I now have like 5 bags. I have asked if someone can take me and each time I get the answer of “yes” which is really “no” because they never show up. So the plan is to simply take it one by one in my croozer trailer that I tow with my bike.

After about two hours everything in the kitchen was done, including under the sink, putting the drawer back in the refrigerator and even sweeping under the metal hutch as well as the refrigerator. I took everything out the refrigerator and cleaned it from top to bottom. I even threw away old ice cubes and started new ice. Sounds silly I know, put I hate ice that has stuff in it after it melts.

By this time Dodger was sitting in the window  and playing with his toys, so if made my way over to my bed and pulled all the linen off and replaced it with clean. This is when I got a text from Donald, down on Skid Row asking me how I was doing. We exchanged texts while I cleaned and I learned he had a death in his family and also a friend of his also died. I laughed so hard when he told me the funeral was over 5 hours. After making the bed and texting with Donald it was time to move the furniture and get ready to run the vacuum and this is when I got a call from George. Talk about perfect timing right?

George is someone I know from my old HIV clinic or should I say my old nightmare over at USC called 5p21 or Rand ShraderClinic. I really would like for him to share his story of survival with people who listen to my YOUTUBE channel in one of my Conversation with Kengi. This man is very inspiring and has this awesome story. Maybe one day I will be able to make this happen. We spoke for a while before Dodger started pacing and I knew it was time to get him out.

This time after Dodger did his business we went on a long walk for about an hour before we headed back for me to complete the cleaning I had started. I could tell he was tired and I was happy for this because it meant I would be able to finish my cleaning. As soon as we walked him and ran to his bowl drank some water and then ran to his toys and threw them around for a bit and then found his place near the foot of my bed where he like to take naps. He almost gets under the bed, but then turns to stick his little head out. It wasn’t long before I could hear him snoring.

I finally finished cleaning around 5:30PM and this is when Dodger started getting active again and once again we went out. Since I thought I’d be chilling with my niece for her birthday like she had told me I knew I needed to walk him and get him tired again so he would rest while I was gone, but she never called so Dodger and I had a nice evening alone on the sofa taking a nap together. This lasted for about an hour and then order some garlic chicken and fried rice. I also chatted with my friend Darlyna on FACEBOOK.

I then started blogging and uploading new pictures to my FLICKR page. I smile and said WOW BOY when I saw that I now have almost 17 thousand pictures. I would have way more, but with the loss of two laptop when I was homeless and the other that died on me those are just pictures I will never get back. It’s a shame because there were so many pictures from my time on the streets and even pictures of conditions and meals severed by missions, shelters and access centers. In addition there were pics from my outreaches and events.

After eating dinner and finishing my blog I gave Dodger a bath and then he and played for a good long while and now he issleeping on the bed behind me while I belt out my second blog of the day while listening the “Go Crazy” by prince with the lame as HP speakers next to me. LOL.

I had a great day just chilling and doing things for me and Dodger. The funny thing is the entire time I was doing things for me and Dodger I was thinking of what I want to say when I speak next week. I am really looking froward to speaking to again, but this time I will have to take my own pictures and cheer for myself because I dont think anyone of my friends will be attending the events with me since one if the early evening and the other in the middle of the day. I am sure I will do just fine.

I hope you’re having a great Saturday night or whatever the case my be when you read this blog entry.

“I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes a stray”