Project Kengikat

What are you fighting for?

// March 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The first thing I asked when I was told I was HIV positive…… well I guess this is after I had the chance to speak with someone, because when I was told it was yelled into my room from the door, with other patients in the room, by a student doctor who then walked away. “Will I be able to keep doing the work I am now doing and how can I start to outreach to other HIV positive people?”

I was told that I should worry about me at the moment. I was also told that HIV would be a “blessing” for me. I ignored by statements and I am glad I did.

April 3, 2010 will mark two years that I have been HIV positive and up until finding my current HIV Clinic it was a complete nightmare and I knew I would die from my HIV leading to AIDS, not because of stigma and education, but because of access to care, education and support. At the time I was homeless and had been for over a year and we all know how this country treats homeless people, so the fact that I was now HIV positive was yet another nail in my coffin. Thank God I have learned to take the word “no” just like I take my vitamins because it only made me stronger.

Currently I have a great doctor and an awesome team of support through the clinic where I get my HIV care and since finding this clinic, HIV is no longer something that I feel will lead to AIDS……at least not for me, because I now have a team in place that truly cares about me just as much as I care about me. Having great care makes all the difference in the world. In fact HIV is not something I worry about and give much thought to other then following the advice of my doctor, educating myself abut HIV as well as asking questions. My T-cells are very high and my viral load is very low. My body is healthy and I am doing great.

April 3, 2010 will also mark one year since I started my 2nd outreach called “Unpluggin’ HIV” the first outreach is called “Do Something Saturday” I started both outreaches as well as my grass roots organization while I was homeless…….after so many people told me there was no way I could help anyone or provide anything for anyone….those “no” vitamins are awesome!!!

The main part of the Unpluggin’ HIV outreach takes place bi-monthy in Downtown Los Angeles on Skid Row to 40 residents in an SRO building. I was made aware of the needs of the people in this building by someone who reads my blog and watches my YOUTUBE channel. After a few tries I was able to reach the case manager and speak with her about my outreach. She set up a meeting where I could speak with the residents and from there my outreach took shape.

Through this outreach I am able to offer meals, gently used and even new clothes as well as other items such as hygiene items, condom packs, free cell phones, peer support and I am even able to call on people from my clinic to help me when I need to refer someone for medical or mental support. I’ve grown very close and have come to even love and care very much for some residents and even though I only do my outreach bi-monthly I speak to many of the residents and even go down to visit them as often as I can. If they need something or someone to just talk to they also have access to my email and phone number. Working with them has been so awesome.

You would think that finding things like people to speak to them about treatment education, safe sex, understanding their labs or even getting mental health people to come out and do presentations would be very easy. I am the first to tell you that it has been like finding a needle in a hay stack. I have looked and asked high and low and everyone always has a reason why they cant come speak, but when I see studies that suggest that such people are uneducated or so filled with stigma I have to raise my eyebrows because I know better.

Next month after nearly of year of trying to find someone to come do a “understanding your labs” presentation, I happy to announce that I have nailed down a date for the presentation and a person to not just do the presentation, but also provide lunch. It felt really good to finally be able to make this happen for these residents. I know many people will read this and say or think “so what, no big deal” but for people who do not have access…….equal access to such vital information this truly is a big deal. I am firm believer that is we spent far more time in giving people who are hardest hit by HIV and AIDS full and equal access, then we would see HUGE changes in how HIV and AIDS affects certain populations. Until we are willing to think outside the box, reach people where they are and stop blaming it all on education and stigma, then things will remain the same.

For both my outreaches I spend what little money I have in order to help homeless people and people with HIV or AIDS. Many times my own food stamps are spent providing meals for people who I know would go without. So as I sit here and think of how awesome it is to finally be able to have someone come to do an “understanding your labs” presentation down on Skid Row, I know I must work even harder to make certain that the next event for these residents be just as informative. After it took almost a year to make happen I also know that I will have to work very hard to find ways to reach the needs of these awesome people.

This is going to take some out of the box thinking, so ground breaking and bold steps on my part, it is going to require me to ask people who might not otherwise be asked to come help me with this effort, but when I think of just how far I’ve come with some much that has taken place in my own life, then I know all things are possible and I just have to be willing to work toward them.

So while this is very awesome make this happen, I am not going to rest on it or allow this one awesome event to be the only thing that happens in the lives of people who are low income, battling so much already in addition to HIV or AIDS.

People have asked me why I do what I do, why I fight for others and put myself second, people ask where I find the courage,time and even the energy to stand up for what is right and I always look at them and say “If I am not willing to fight for people who are suffering, then how can I ask someone to fight for me?”

CHANGE requires hard work, long nights, lots tears and plenty more. CHANGE for these residents on Skid Row means there will be CHANGE for all humanity and this CHANGE includes me and it’s about time for CHANGE, not just talking about it, but being about it.

CHANGE is what Dr. King lost his life for, didn’t think twice about himself……he thought of me and how CHANGE would be better for me. CHANGE means there will be heartache and pain and it means being able to think far less of self and more about others. CHANGE requires me to stand up for what is right for HUMAITY, not any one community. Now I am in no way comparing myself to the great Dr. King, but I am saying that what he stood for and gave his life for took courage and strength to stand up for what was right, even though he was told he could not make CHANGE happen.

I am fighting for CHANGE.

To Whom Much is Given….

// March 18th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized

Today was what I think is the final step in gaining a seat on the Los Angeles County Commission on HIV. I was recommended for the seat by my case manager at my HIV clinic. It was all a big surprise to me that I would even be considered for a seat. What I do in the way of HIV and AIDS as well as homeless issues is so far off the radar that most times I dont even think people are paying attention, which is awesome for me because I did not create the community work that I do to get attention, praise or anything close to this, let alone a seat on a county commission.

I started my homeless outreach while I was homeless and the same can be said for the HIV outreach,  and since I am now in housing the outreaches have just gotten much stronger. I never would have guessed I would be where I am today, so far from where I started out, but so much stronger and so honored to have a life filled with  meaning and purpose.

My life has been about learning that this race is not given to the swift, but to the one who endures to the very end. For 29 months of homelessness I had to visualize the land while I was riding through what seemed to be a never ending storm. I had to see myself at the finish line and that all I was going through would not break me, but make me much stronger. I had to trust and believe in me and hold on tight to my FAITH. As I began to emerge from the storm and could start to feel the sun on my face again and looking back to see the wake of all that I had been through, I was smiling to myself because I now knew what it meant to be “tried in the fire” as my Nana us to say. I knew what it meant to hold fast to what I believe and never be willing to give up just because someone said “you cant make it” I finally knew what was meant by the saying “greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world.”

I had to really consider if going for this seat on the commission would take me away from the work I have created and how it would allow me to better serve the needs of people who may not be represented…….present but not heard and after speaking to close friends and supporters, as well as taking time out to think about things for myself, I made the choice to go for it. There are other people up for the seat as well, but in my heart I know I am more then qualified and able to serve on this commission

Last week I was invited to attend a commission meeting, I had already spoken there once before during HIV funding cuts last summer, however this time my attendance was to take a close look at how the commission operates and consider if this is something I would want to do. I was also invited to a caucus meeting right after the commission meeting. I am glad I did both because I was able to get some questions and concerns addressed as well as answered.

So today was my interview before the “operations committee” which was a way for them to ask questions and to get a feel for me and in turn I also got a feel for who I would be working side by side with in the common goal to better serve ALL people with HIV and AIDS here in Los Angeles County.

In many way the commission is very much like the work I already do in the way that I have to do community work in order to identify and address the needs of the people I try to serve, but in other ways it is very different, like meeting in committees, and the entire process of all if this is much longer and much more in depth then what I currently do. However this is not to imply or say that what I do does not take lots of planning and thought, it’s just that I pick what I am going to do, when I am going to do it, how I plan to do it and who it will reach, then I get it done with the help of some pretty awesome people. There is no committee meetings or long days sitting at a table talking about how to do things.

The interview was very relaxed and I had the chance to meet with and even speak to the other people who are going for a seat as well. many of the people share some of my background in the fact that they were once homeless and have battled through so much in addition to being HIV positive or having AIDS.

In all in felt the process was pretty cool and the mere fact that I was even considered for such a seat is very humbling as well as a major encouragement to continue doing the work that I’ve created. I am not sure if the committee voted on all of us today or if it would be done at a different time, i do know that all of us were interviewed today.

So I guess this blog will be one that has to be continued at this time until I know the outcome. In any case I will always work hard for people at the work I have created and this is something that will never change. Having a seat on the commission will only add to the work I currently do, it certainly will not replace it.

Who would have ever guessed that after all I have gone through that something like this would even be offered to someone like me? I mean after all I was told I could never help anyone because I was homeless and that there would be no way anyone could benefit of be empowered by the work I’ve created. But here it is over three years later since I created my first outreach, Do Something Saturday~that empowers people and it is almost one year since the creation of my other outreach Unpluggin’ HIV and they both continue to grow and reach people who are in need.

If I am given the opportunity to serve as a commissioner I will once again rise to the occasion to act as a vessel to stand in gap for and as well as represent the people I serve with great honor and humility, I will once again answer the call to serve the greater good for all people, not any certain community, I will keep at the front of my mind that I have been given a task to do and I must complete it to the best of my ability. If nothing comes of this, then I know I have made some new allies in my quest to restore dignity, pride, respect and most of all give a voice to those who are seen, but not often heard.

Ma and Nana use to tell me and I know it is a scripture from the bible, but when I really think about it and fully understand what it means, I know it is so true for me and my life. “To whom much is given, much is required…..”and in my life of now 41 years God has given me so much, showed me so much favor and has blessed me with traveling grace and now I am being “required” to pay it forward and I am only too happy to do so. You see if God never does anything else for me…. he has already done more then enough.

Continued…..

// March 16th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

I didn’t get too much sleep last night, in fact I got almost no sleep. My mind was on my housing and how things were going to play out today. So sleeping didn’t come easy.

I knew it was going to be a long day, but I had no clue that it would be a long hot day. I was out of bed and in the shower, dressed and ready to go by 7:30AM. I took Dodger for a walk and then checked my email before I made way walk tot he train to head to the housing authority.

All the way to my 9:45 meeting I was hoping things would go smooth….in fact I was praying they would, but just to be sure I had a back up plan in case I needed to have papers signed with no notice, I made sure I sent an email to my case manager at my HIV clinic, just to give him a heads up as what what was going on today.

Instead of going on about the bad time I started to have at my appointment, I will talk about the final outcome and that is that my housing is in tact and this is in part because I kept my cool and the awesome case manager I now have through my clinic had once again earned my admiration and respect  because he knew what to do and took care of it.

I guess I should talk about how I came to be a patient at North East Valley Health Corporation in order for you to fullyunderstand why I have nothing but full confidence in my health care there. This may sound silly to some, but it has more to do with the fact that they provide excellent health care for me as  a patient, but they go the extra mile to make sure that all my needs are met and this is where other clinics miss the mark and even fall totally off the map.

My first encounter with the clinic was unlike any other since I was told I was HIV positive. I was speaking with Reuben and he made sure he answered all my questions and right before he hung up he asked if something else was wrong. I don’t know but maybe he could hear the stress in my voice, besides the fact that I was also in tears. He asked what was wrong and if there was something else he could do. I explained to him what I was up against and that my current HIV doctor had refused to sign my housing forms. I began to cry even more with the though that once again housing was going to taken away from me for something that I had done right once again, but I was going to have to pay the price because once again someone was going to stand in the way.  He told me not to worry and told me to come in first thing Monday morning, bring all my paperwork with me and they would do all they can to make sure I didn’t get passed over for housing. It’s almost been a year since I’ve been here.

I was assigned to Phillip as my case manager and he took care of everything. He was kind, didnt treat me like I had been treated by others who knew I was homeless. He treated me like a human who was suffering through homelessness and needed some help. He cared about me as a person and that was the first time I felt like people in the medical field cared about me and what would happen to me. For the first time I felt like someone other then me and my friends cared.

My experience as a patient at North East Valley Health Corporation has been awesome, not only do I feel I now have a full team in place that will do all they came to help me with HIV, but they are also right there in the middle with me to help me remain in housing, move forward with my life, continue my awesome community work. The have been a source I can turn to for answers to HIV and other health questions I have. The cool thing is that not once have they ever made me feel like I don’t count or that simply because I am unable to pay for medical care that I do not deserve the best care possible. Not once have they made me feel bad for speaking up for others and myself.

Long story short, once again my clinic and my awesome case manager helped me to navigate through rough waters and theydid so with ease and no problem and once again I am in a calm sea smiling at the possibilities that are in front of me. My doctor signed my housing forms and my case manager filled out the paper that was required of him and my housing is safe and secure.

When I left the housing authority this morning I really wanted to try to keep cool and calm and make certain I didn’t allow any stress to sneak in on me and cause me to freak out. I know there is so much for me to do for the outreaches I have coming up and I am also speaking back to back next week and I need to spend time preparing for this. So I took the time to stop at the 99 cent only to start to get supplies for the Easter Basket outreach that will take place for low income families with children right  here in Hollywood. I purchased 10 baskets, bags, grass and some eggs and then headed home with the plan of doing more shopping tomorrow when I drop off the forms that my doctor and case manager signed.

Now once again my friends Tina and Andy have taken the lead in this outreach by donating 13 baskets and I know I will not have to worry about this taking place, plus people from my YOUTUBE have already given support to the outreach as well. The other day my two close friends Krystal and Patrick also showed their love and support for my efforts.

When I got home today I got a knock at my door from the UPS guy and I was very surprised when to see that he had a huge box for me and once I got the box in I thought it was from my two best friends Tina and Andy, but then I had to wonder why they would pay for UPS. So I looked at the shipping label and this when it sort of became clear to me, but what was in the box?

Well when I opened the box who I thought the box was from was confirmed, my friend Audrey had sent it. Audrey is someone I met through my YOUTUBE channel and she has been someone who I have come to love and respect. She is also someone I consider as part of my circle. She is always such a positive person and has been so very kind to me since we first met on the 90 Days of Loving Me Journey. She reads my blog and watched my videos.

So the box was filled with awesome Easter baskets, grass, colored eggs and so much more to help me reach my goal of providing children from low income families with awesome Easter baskets free of charge and made with love.

So my day was complete, my housing is safe and my outreach is moving forward thanks to the support of some awesomefriends.

Tomorrow is yet another jammed pack day with me needing to take care of things for me and Dodger as well as working hard to make certain that all my speaking engagements and outreaches are complete success.

To Be Continued

// March 16th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

To say that I have been a bit stressed out about my housing and the very small amount that I get each month in benefits is a huge under statement. Imagine being homeless for 29 months and getting into housing and it almost being a year only have it all possibly come to a end.

I know many people think I am sitting pretty, but the real fact of the matter is I am not and homelessness can happen at any given moment for me. All I need is for one small things to wrong and everything falls apart for me and my housing ends.

I do everything I am supposed to do and then some in order for me to keep my housing, but if for example I don’t get piece of mail for one reason or another which causes me to miss an appointment, then things could change overnight for something I am not even aware of.

This is now week two of my recertification for housing and DPSS, as I blogged already my meeting with DPSS went very well and so did my meeting with the building management, however tomorrow is my meeting with housing authority and I am a bit concerned. Not because I have done anything wrong or that I have not filled out the forms, but because I have learned that anything can take place when it comes to government programs and given the current state affairs with our economy I have every right to be concerned. This has caused me plenty of stress.

Today I took time out for me, I really needed to do this because if I didn’t I would have worried so much about it until I made myself sick and I cant afford to do this right now.

Dodger and I walked to West Hollywood to a place that has always been a “safe place” for me. We walked to the ceramics studio to take time out for some art therapy and I am so glad I forced myself to do this because it allowed me to get out of the apartment and not stress over this application I just filled out. It also gave me the opportunity to step back, take a deep breath and decompress, something I hardly ever have the time to do for me. It gave me the change to create some awesome pieces and finish others all in the comfort of being with other people who are HIV positive and battling all that life throws at them.

I discovered the ceramics studio not long after I was diagnosed and right away it was a place to escape from all the horrors that were taking place in my life. It was a place for me to rest and not worry for a few hours about fist fighting, where I could sit down and a place where I felt like things were normal for the time I was there. I rediscovered my gift and love for ceramics and even painting. But most of all it was a place where I could pause, think and regroup.

Today it was all this all over again. I needed to escape, I needed to feel like I could pause and rethink as well as regroup. I needed to create and feel like my life is so back on track and can not be derailed. I needed to be around people like Brian who are such a huge inspiration and encouragement to me. I needed to be in a place where all that matters is who I am, where I am and what I am able to create for me. I needed to be in the company of people who would encourage me without even knowing they were doing that. I needed to see that people were smiling and feeling good in their lives, I needed to hear stories of victory and love. I needed to pour myself into the clay and allow all that is inside of me out and into the clay. My mind needed to be free and clear.

I don’t go to HIV support groups because they don’t feel like support to me, many of the people I have encountered at HIV support groups are so fucked up in the head and HIV has nothing to do with it, it just gets all the blame. So outside of my blog, vlog and community work I had nothing until I discovered the studio. The studio has become my HIV support group and has been a place where I can turn to when my blog, vlog and community work are not enough and it has worked.

Today I was able to finish (glaze) items that I have been working on and I also had the chance to create three new items as well. The cool thing is that I was also able to bring two items home with me that I created as well.

While going to the studio today was very helpful for me once I got back home, the stress of what is before kind of set in again and my Sickle Cell began to really bother me. In addition my chest was getting tight and I was having a hard time breathing and in that moment I simply walked over to my bed and got down on my knees and I started crying. Once I got that out of my system I asked God to give me rest for my mind and not to allow me to stress over this process and to send me assurance that I would be fine.

I finished the application and the only place where I might encounter a bit of a problem is the last page where I must get my doctor once again to sign, now this is the part that I am concerned about, because in the past my former doctor refused to sign it almost costing me this apartment. I am not concerned that my current doctor will not sign it, but that I can get it signed in time. You see all these forms have expiration dates and if one form falls out of date, entire application is held up and most be done all over again. In the meantime this could cost me housing because something like a date. I can see if it were a year out of date and to be honest in this case I don’t understand that because there is no cure for HIV or AIDS, so agencies should not be able to say forms expire.

Just the thought of no longer having housing is stressing and knowing that each and every year I will have to do this as long as I am in subsidized housing is hard to have to go through, but I will get through it and I will do the very best I can to keep my held high throughout the process.

After tomorrow I still have one more thing to get through and that is the final inspection of my apartment from the housing authority. So I guess this blog will fall into the category of “to be continued”

Thank God for my blog, vlog, community work and the ceramics studio.

Housing Certification

// March 15th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

This past week was a pretty busy one for me. It was mostly spent doing things for myself as far as housing is concerned. It has almost been a year since I have been in my own apartment so I’ve been busy with all the meetings and recertification that goes along with that.

The first thing was inspection of my unit by the building management and then getting all the papers I needed to have to renew my lease agreement. This included getting required papers from my social worker, which was rather easy this time around, but I will go into that later. My meeting with my building manager was very smooth, as she is always helpful and always on top on things that need to get done. There was an hour blocked out for me to go over and sign all the documents again, but it only took about 30 minutes because I had everything she had requested, which made things go much faster.

When they came to inspect my unit they were only here for about 10 minutes, if that and once they had left I was told that my unit was very well kept, clean and in a great shape. I wasn’t marked off for anything on the long list of items they had on their list. They also came back again last week to reinspect the closet where the hot water tank is stored. They wanted to make sure I do not store anything inside this area and to make sure the floor is kept clean as well.

I never really understood why people store things like brooms, mops and what not, in or around the area where the hot water tank is located. I guess when people have small places and they dont want to have things like this is site all the time it is stored there. I must admit that I too have been guilty of doing this as well. However my broom and mop are now stored in the kitchen and nothing is stored in the closet where the hot water tank is located.

Last week I also needed to be recertificated for my food stamps and this was the very first meeting that I had with my new worker. I have spoken on the phone with her a few times and each time she was very helpful and surprisingly pleasant. This is unlike any experience I have ever had with DPSS. If you recall there was a time when of of the supervisors Ms. Barger was so rude and threatened to cut my benefits for a mistake that their office had made and once I went down to speak with her she tried very hard to provoke me. When she wasn’t successful she pressed the alarm for the police and said she felt like I was going to harm her. I am so happy I stood my ground and refused to allow her to get away with this and in the end I walked out of the office with my benefits fixed, but the simple fact that she would do something like this was very disturbing to me. Even when I wanted to file a report on her her supervisor said this was not something I should really do, however other employees who say her treat me this way told me not to leave until I was able to file that report. Her supervisor never allowed me to do so. After another problem with her I simply allowed my benefits to be terminated for something that was once again their mistake, but something I was not willing to upset myself over. Later when I was told about this apartment and I needed to have an income to qualify I went to the West LA office for DPSS which is where I am now. However even there things have not gone smooth at all and each mistake made to my benefits have been made my my worker and not me, but I am the one who suffers for such mistakes.

However this has not been the case with my new worker and I am not sure how long I will be able to have her, because workers change without notice and you dont have any say in what takes place. Until this takes place I will be happy in knowing that she is both pleasant and does her job well. My meeting with her went very smooth, again because I had all the things she required and I was also able to request some things from her that I will need for my appointment later this week with the Los Angeles Housing Authority.

My new worker is funny and was so helpful in answering all my questions and even supplying me with answers to questions I had not asked, but would come up at a later time. The appointment was fast and before I left she checked to make sure everything else was in order with my case. Again this is something that never took place with other workers. The only thing I need to send her is my new lease and housing agreement once I get them along with a current gas bill.

My monthly meeting with my case manager here went well too, but then again it always does, she too has been very helpful and kind. Each month I meet with her to turn in what are called “service logs” to show that I am going to the doctor, seeing my case manager and I can even turn in service logs for all the volunteer work I do. This is so the housing authority can see that I am keeping my end of the deal in return for them paying a portion of my rent. I am full responsible for the rest.

This week will be no expectation, I will once again be very busy with things for my housing starting tomorrow with my recertification with the housing authority. Now the very first time I went to see them when I was going through Skid Row Housing Corporation I had a very hard time. First of all the person helping with the application was very rude and acted as if I was some how bothering him when I asked questions or tried to get him to fill the application out on one meeting, not several meetings over several weeks like he wanted. My meeting with the person from the housing authority was also very unfriendly and rude, the person even made a comment about my HIV status. However this past time for this apartment things went very smooth and I was so shocked as to how I was treated. It is a sad state of affairs when someone says they are shocked that someone treated them with respect and dignity. Even more sad is the fact that people feel they have no other choice but to allow people in “position” to walk all over them and treat them like crap simply because they hold the job they have and feel they are some how better then the person they are paid to help.

My meeting with the person was pleasant and I didn’t feel like I was being judged or should feel ashamed for my situation. This took away all the stress and anxiety of having to once again disclose my HIV status to someone I dont know and someone I will never speak to again. I am prayerful that the meeting on Tuesday will go just as smooth and  there will be no problem with me remaining in housing.

It’s hard to believe that it has almost been a year since I moved into this apartment with nothing more then my bike, some clothes, blankets, my laptop and camera.. I wouldn’t even have had food if it wasn’t for my two best friends   Tina and Andy, to be very honest, I wouldn’t have much of anything had it not been for them. The list of people I know I can count on no matter how hard things get, no matter where life takes me, no matter how sick I may become is very short, but I am so happy to know that Tina and Andy are at the top of that list and it is so good to know that they will always love me, always be my friends……my family.

As I sit and type this blog out I am just so thankful to God for all that he has done for me, all he has allowed me to see and LIVE through, I am thankful for my life, my health and my friends. Friends who stood with me throughout my journey and are still right here as my journey continues and God continues to open doors of opportunity for me to be a vessel for his message of love for all people no matter who they are, where they come from, what they have been through, what they look like, no matter their race or creed, skin color, sexual orientation, Black, Brown, White, Red, Yellow, Pink, Purple, Lavender and everything inbetween, God loves ALL of us and his message is LOVE for ALL humanity. PERIOD.

I’ve come a very long way since I first moved into this apartment, it is no longer empty, my true friends have grown, myorganization moves forward and it too has grown, in my life there is peace and happiness, filled with love and joy. I have a new little buddy Dodger whom I love so much. He has been such a massive blessing for my life and has provided me with unconditional love and friendship. I am still growing and each day as God continues to shine down on me and in my life, things will move forward and get better and even when they seem to be going south or when I had bad days or set backs, I know in my heart I will get through it all, because of my faith and the awesome people who are now in my life.

Busy Bee

// March 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Last night I had my very first Oscar party and man was it fun. I invited two friends over and we had a blast. I made some dips and I also cooked. I just wanted to make sure we had a great time. My two friends Donald and Franklin were my guests.

As always the Oscars were pretty uneventful, in fact they were rather boring and after ll the hype that was put into how wild and crazy the two host would be, I must say that the show was even double boring. They really need to go back and let Whoopi or Robin Williams host the show. At least then we can get some laughs. They should also consider bringing  back some entertainment as well. The highlight of the show for all three of us was the win by Mo’Nique for best supporting actress for her role in Precious. If you have not seen this movie I strongly suggest you check it out on DVD.

The rest of the night was all about my food, fun with friends and all the laughter we shared. It’s been really cool having my own place again and being able to have friends over for dinner or even just to hang out. I cant even begin to tell you what it has been like knowing that at the end of every day I have a place that is all mine, where I am safe, wont have to worry about someone taking my things while I am gone or asking permission to go into the kitchen to cook or if I can stay out and see a movie if I feel like it.

The menu was pretty simple, but I must say I did have a hard time deciding what I was going to cook. At first I wanted to cook prime rib and shrimp, but I thought that might be a bit much for them, then I that I would do some enchiladas or maybe some bbq chicken and ribs. In the end I went with cornish game hens, wild rice, garlic whipped potatoes and fried shrimp. I also made some dips as well. For dessert I made a very simple cream cheese cherry pie. This was the very first pie I even made on my own and I have not made it in such a very long time.

The pie is pretty simple when I think about it. The pie crust is a gram cracker and is often store purchased, the filling is cream cheese, condensed milk, lemon juice, and can cherry pie filling on top once the pie filling has had a chance to get solid. It’s simple, but packs a smooth awesome taste to any meal and was a major hit with the guys. In all the night was fun and I am so glad I had the chance to do this with my friends.

After a long hot bath late Sunday night and some much needed down time with Dodger, I turned into bed and had an awesome nights rest which in turn made Monday start rather slow. Yes, I slept late and even after I woke up I stayed in bed just resting. I didn’t rush to get up. Even after I took Dodger out for his morning walk I still came back in and got back into bed. I sent a text to my friend Leah and after about another hour of laying in bed I got up and took a long hot shower and started my day.

Last week I got an email from someone who wanted to speak with me about the work I do for a documentary they are working on. We exchanged emails, but last week got away from me and before I knew it I had forgotten all about it. Which may not have been a bad thing since I have had several people tell me they would like to meet with me to talk about my community work and nothing ever comes of it. However this time was very different. This morning I called the number supplied and I had the chance to speak with someone regarding the project in great detail and after speaking with him I later got an email asking to have a meeting with me tomorrow morning.

I then needed to touch base with the person who is my contact for the Los Angeles County Commission on HIV. I learned that I will be attending a commission meeting as well as meeting the other commissioners and then going for my interview next week. After speaking with my contact and getting all the dates and details down, I needed to break away and take Dodger out for a walk. I am glad I got up and took the time to step back and breathe.

Back at home I started making sure I have all the things I need for my rectification for the housing authority and I also need to make sure I have all the things I need for my appointment with my social worker. While going through all of this I also needed to make some time make plans for what is shaping up to be a very busy end of March and a jam packed April.

I have my 3rd Easter Basket outreach already underway and so far this has been pretty smooth. However I still need to shop for the items and this will be very different from the last big outreach I did last month when I had a car to do the shopping with, but I am sure I will be able to get it all done. This will be the third outreach I have done with Easter Baskets and each one has been a HUGE success. This year the outreach will once again impact the lives of children who are from low income families, but the sweet things is that all the children are right here in the same building I live in. I am so looking forward to doing this outreach, it is going to be great.

I also have my two year anniversary of being HIV positive and my 2nd Kengi’s get tested party. I will also do an outreach down on Skid Row for my Unpluggin HIV outreach that takes place for 40 residents. The plan is have a speaker come talk to the residents about their HIV labs and teaching them how to understand their labs. This may sound very easy, but believe me trying to get people to come speak on Skid Row is very hard. You would think that since they are taking information to the people who are greatly affected by HIV and AIDS, this would be something people would jump at and welcome, but since I am a small grass roots organization that does not have non-profit status nor a budget to offer anyone any money or incentive other then taking very important information on HIV and AIDS directly to those who need it the most, is very hard to make happen, but I am not going to give up. I will make this happen.

I also want to do an outreach to Chess Park and Venice beach, shop for clothes to wear when I am in Washington and then my trip to Washington. So April is a jam packed month for me. Plus I have so much more to prepare for as well.

Being able to spend a night laughing and having fun with friends over dinner while watching the Oscars was awesome. Now it is back to work for me.

OSCARS….Beating the Odds

// March 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Tomorrow is the the biggest day for Hollywood with the 82nd Annual Academy Awards which will take place just over 4 blocks from my apartment. Now I grew up in Southern California, so the Oscars and the “stars” that will walk the red carpet tomorrow have always been no big deal to me. I guess because I grew up here and my grandmother as well as great grandmother worked for “stars” or Hollywood executives.

Once I started cooking and became very good at it, big parties, events, weddings and even high profile events were things I did. Even as a private cook for families, I always made time to do at least three really big events each year. This was in addition to whom I was working for, any community work I was doing and catering.

Last Christmas was my first time ever buying a tree for me, I was always either working, traveling or at my folks place for Christmas and there was never a need for me to have a tree at home. That changed this past Christmas and I am so glad I purchased a tree. It really had nothing to do with presents or how commercial the holiday has become, but it was about creating memories for me in my new home. It was about remembering those awesome times with my family and wanting…..no needing to create that for myself.

I asked two friends to come over and hang out and watch the awards with me. After 29 months of homelessness, being sick and feeling like my life was passing me by and that people I thought would always be in my life as my friends all of the sudden walking out because I was no longer the guy dropping cash or inviting them to come hang out on my dime. I guess you could say that homelessness has made me realize something my Ma always use to tell me…”everyone is not your friend” it also forced me to put things into different perspectives and not to live my life through what society deems as successful. Not to allow others to live my life, set my tone, define me or tell me what is and is not or what the outcome will be. All of this is up to me and while others in many ways are along for the journey, they really get no say in how I get there, when I will get there or what  route I will take.

I could have invited plenty of people over, but I didn’t, I had three people in mind but one of them does not live here, so an invite to her would be pointless, but she will be here next year. I invited my two friends Franklin and Donald. I met Franklin when I was homeless and trying to get housing, He was in a place in Long Beach and I was there for an intake interview. When I moved in he had already moved out. Long story longer, that was one of the worst places I ever stayed in. I thought the bed bug infested, shit on the floor, having to fight for my shit, rat hole, ex-cons in charge of me place I had to stay in on Skid Row was bad, this pace was far worse. There was always shit in the shower from one of the residents who would take shit in the shower and not clean it, then we were asked to clean it,  in the bed next to me was a sex whore who didn’t seem to care he has AIDS and was getting fucked by everything moving. The fact that more then 90% of the men in the house were illegal residents was also very bothersome to me because there are people who are homeless on the streets who could be in places like this, but for some reason being a citizen does not matter. I left and went back to the streets because it was safer. After I moved into this building I was walking from the laundry room and I saw Franklin. We’ve had a cool time getting to know each other and the support that we share is so cool. Franklin has AIDS, but unlike most people with HIV or AIDS that I have met, Franklin does not act like some victim, he doesn’t make excuses and refuses to hide behind the disease. Yeah he has his ups and downs, but he gets through it without acting like the world some how owes him something. Franklin is a long time survivor, he is Black and a huge inspiration to me. He is someone I look up to, admire and truly respect. He is such an amazing man with a awesome outlook on life. He is a great friend.

Donald is the other person I invited, I met him through my Unpluggin HIV outreach down on Skid Row and just like Franklin, Donald is this amazing man who has lived a rich and vibrant life. He too has been through a lot and has also overcome a lot. He does not allow this disease to turn him into someone who just sits and allows life to roll past him. He loves his life and he is enjoying it to the fullest. Each time I get to speak with or see Donald I walk away with such a better appreciation for my own life and that the fact that I have HIV does not mean that my life ever has to be over and that I can life with HIV for a very long time. From him I am learning to keep smiling, keep laughing, keep striving, keep loving, keep reaching out to help others and above all, keep believing in God and that with him all things are possible. In the time that I have been able to spend with him I have seen in him much of what others say they see in me, someone who is selfless. Donald gives and gives, even though he does not have much, he will go the extra mile for someone and not expect anything in return. Just to hear him laugh truly does my soul so much good. He too is an awesome friend.

The CDC report on HIV and AIDS and how it affects Blacks was not news to me…in fact it was not news at all and I have seen no real efforts to really combat HIV and AIDS in the hardest hit populations. In my opinion the report painted Blacks as stupid people who simply do not care about their lives, it made it seem like access to care is equal and I think everyone in this country knows damn well it isn’t. Not only are their huge disparities in care for Blacks, but education and prevention are also greatly disproportionate. When I was diagnosed with HIV on April 3rd 2008 in such a rude and nasty way by some lousy doctor at Harbor UCLA who yelled “Mr. Carr, you are HIV positive” into a room with other patients and simply walked off the message was clear “you don’t count”. In that moment with tears rolling down my face I knew HIV was not going to be easy for me, just like it hasn’t been easy for plenty of people, but especially Blacks and women of color. At the time I was homeless, with no medical care and Black. That’s almost like the 3 strikes rule we have in this country, but I have always refused to be pushed to the side and I was not about to be another Black man who died from HIV…..not because of stigma or lack of education, but because of access…EQUAL access to health care.

Franklin and Donald are more to me then just my friends. They are awesome role models and two Black men beating the odds, against all odds. Two Black men standing tall and damn proud, two Black men who are among thousands of Black men who refuse to be just some damn number on some CDC report that blames stigma and education on the high rates of infection and death from HIV and AIDS for Blacks , two Black men who I love and admire and who give me the courage to wake up each and every day and live my best life and flip my middle finger at HIV and the CDC report. Two Black men who I am proud to call friends and two Black men I am so honored to create as well as celebrate an awesome new memory  with watching the Academy Awards at  my first ever  Oscar party.

So while tomorrow will represent so much in the life of a “star” who gets a nod and bow from a  golden award, I will celebrate something far greater and far more valuable with two amazing men who I am both honored and blessed to call my friends as well as my role models.

Thursday

// March 5th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Thursday has been a down day for me. When I say down I mean it was pretty quiet. There were no outreaches for Do Something Saturday or Unpluggin HIV, but there was plenty of work that needed to get done.

I spent most of my morning working on my website. I’ve been meaning to make changes and really streamline it. I am also working on finding someone to design a new logo that will fleck the old logo and incorporate a new logo for the new outreach. While I still like the old Do Something Saturday logo I feel I have outgrown it and it needs to reflect the grown of the outreach. Finding someone to design a logo has been hit and miss….mostly miss. There have been plenty of people saying they would help out, but I think they only want to hear themselves speak or simply wanted to look good in front of others by saying they would donate a logo for my organization. However today I think I had a break through with someone who watches my youtube channel. So hopefully I will be able to wrap this up pretty soon with her help.

The other thing I needed to work on for my website is spending some time learning how to make changes to it on my own. This is been hard for me because I don’t know code and my social network is all cut and paste and templates. I love this because I am in full control and when I want to make changes I simply do it. This is not been the case with the website. Although I love the hard work and time my friend has been putting in since day one, I would still like to be able to make changes to the website when I need to. I also don’t want to feel like I am being a bother or asking too much of someone. So this means I need to spend some time learning how to do the work myself or simply do not renew the domain when it comes up for renewal in July.

It was also a laundry day for me and I really hate to do laundry. I especially hate it when I go down to do it and one person has all three washers and dryers with lot of other shit sitting in front of the each washer and then clothes on the folding table waiting to go in the dryer. Almost like they are the only one in the building. However today I wasn’t in the mood to wait, so I asked her if I could use the washer she was taking clothes out of. She gave me a nasty glare but said yes. When I came back I did the same thing by asking her if I could use the dryer she was taking clothes out of. However this time she said no and this is when I reminded her that she already had the other two dryers. I also told her that she didn’t own the machines. She changed her tune and I was able to use the dryer.

I also needed to take Dodger out for his long walks today. He has been acting out and pissing in the apartment and I have not been a happy camper about this. The other night he even snapped and barked at me, so I needed to let him know very quick that there is only one KING in this castle. I think he got the message because today after I left him in the apartment all he did was bark while I was gone.

This evening was time to chill out and hang with my two best friends Tina and Andy. Tina has family in town so we met up at Hollywood and Highland for dinner and fun. We ate at a place called U-Wink which I have heard good things about, so it was cool to be able to go there with them. U-Wink combines technology with food and fun and from the time I was there it was a complete score. You order your own food right from your table using the touch screens at each table. You are then able to play games while you wait. The food was good and the games were cool. Andy even won a cool “Pickle” for Tina. I don’t know why they named the stuffed doll “pickle” because it clearly is not a “pickle”

Since we were at Hollywood and Highland and it is Oscar time I was able to take some cool pictures of the setting up and all that fun stuff. We even had the chance to walk on the red carpet that was completely covered with plastic. It’s funny how people see it on TV and think the area is is so glamorous and swanky, but I think the area is just ok. It is nice how them manage to pull of the event. Although it has changed to much since the days when it was at the Shrine Auditorium right by USC. So just for people who have not had the chance to see the preparations up close I snapped some pics.

It was another awesome day. I got work down and I had time for me as well.

The Run Around

// March 3rd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Today was a very busy day for me. I had a lot of things that I needed to get done for ME and for Dodger. I also needed to touch base with someone from the Los Angeles County HIV Commission, pay rent, pay some bills and even head to the store.

I was doing all of this on my bike, since I no longer have my car, which was cool because I really wanted to start making certain that I am getting on my bike more often. I was on it twice today. The first time was for about 45 minutes and the second time was about 15 minutes, but both times I tried to get in a really good ride so it could really count towards my working out and getting fir goals.

My first job after walking Dodger was to call the Gas Company and find out why I have not received a paper bill from them. I paid my bill online just one time and ever since then I have not received a paper bill. I am really glad I called because the service was scheduled to be turned off tomorrow. The reason I had no received a bill was because the Gas Company automatically enrolls you in their online program where they no longer send you a paper bill. I told the woman that I never asked or signed up not to get a paper bill and she told me, “Well you paid online and we naturally assume that customers who pay online do not wish to get a paper bill….we assume that they are more environmental friendly”

I had to laugh at her answer and I even asked her if she had just said what she did and she said “yes” and asked what was so funny. I told her that her answer was funny and how dare the Gas Company just automatically assume things about their customers. She informed me that I would now get a paper bill, but that I should be aware of all the trees that this will affect. Again I laughed at her and asked why doesn’t the Gas Company simply use recycled paper and to this she replied “the cost is too high.” I laughed again and this time it was at her and her silly answer. I then asked for the nearest payment center and also asked her to send a copy of my bill.

Lucky for me there was a service center on Hillhurst near Franklin, so I could ride my bike there. It would be a good workout with a small hill, but first I needed to go to the post office and get a money order to pay my rent. For some reason they do not take checks from people for rent. This is fine for me cause there is a very nice lady that I always get to see when I go to the post office this time of month, so I was looking forward to seeing her smiling face.

After paying my rent I put my lock in my backpack and checked my bill with T-Mobile. I wanted to make sure I knew the correct amount to pay because there is always a problem since I am on the account of someone. Even though they have told me time and time again that I am an authorized user on the account, each and every time I go to pay my bill I have a huge problem. My friend says one thing and the person either on the phone or in the store says he is wrong and there is always a major problem with paying the bill. Since it isn’t my account there isn’t much that I can do. I can’t make any demands because it is not my account.

I get to the T-Mobile store and there is a huge line and only two people working. It seems the people at each register have a million questions to ask and the one closest to me is having problems paying her bill and was trying every trick in the book to get her service turned back on without paying. The guy at the other register could notmake up his mind on what phone plan to go on, so he had the person helping him go over it 5 times before he decided to go with the $19.95 prepaid phone. WOW after all of that and he went with a prepaid phone. I could not have been the person helping these two people because I would have told them to step to the side until they have made up their minds on paying a bill that they have ran up or picking a plan they want.

Just like I knew would happen I walk up to the register and give my cell phone number and once again they tell me they cant give me any information on the account, because I am not a user. They refused to even tell me the balance for my phone. So I said let me just pay the $65.85 for my phone and he told me he cant do that because the balance was more then what I wanted to pay. He told me that I needed to pay the entire balance. After talking with him for about 10 minutes I asked him to get an manager and when he came over he told me the same thing I have heard so many times. “You’re not a user on the account and the owner of this account needs to set it up.” This is when I offered to let them speak to the owner of the account and he told me that would do no good because he needed to be present in the store. After talking with him a bit more, he said he would let me make the payment, but in the future I need to be on the account as a user.

After all this he tells me that the price I wanted to pay from my line was not correct. He told me that the amount due for my line was only $31.02 and not $65.85 and at this point I was so pissed and lost that I called my friend and told him what was happening and once again I got the same thing I always get. “I’ll have to call and take care of it.” Frustrated I paid what I was told was due and asked for my receipt and left. However before I left the sales person tells me “you know you can avoid this all together by getting your own line.”  and then the store manger chimes in “How important is your number to you?” I look at both of them and ask “are you really trying to make a sale of me after the way you both treated me?”

My next stop was the Gas Company and this was about a 20 minute bike ride. I had some idea where the center was, but did not get the address, since I knew the cross streets and without much effort I found the place just fine, however there was no place to lock my bike, so I simply placed the lock on the bike and leaned it against the building but is plain view so I could see it the entire time I was inside. The line was long and only one person was working, so it was about a 21 minute wait in line, but the guy who took the payment was much nicer then the lady I spoke with. In fact he told me that the amount she told me I needed to pay was wrong and once again what I was told about a payment was different when I show up to pay the bill. This time I just smiled and said ok.

As I headed back from Franklin I saw a pet store and though it would be cool to get Dodgers treats there instead of riding all the past my place to go to PETCO, that is if they had what I needed. As it turned out they had what I wanted, but the price on two of the items was much more the I normally pay, so I skipped those. They guy at the counter was very helpful and was able to answer some questions I had about Dodger. I also need to get a gate for the front door so I am able to open it to let air in and not have Dodger run out. However I wasn’t sure what size I needed and I also wasn’t prepared to get it today, so I told him I can always come back.

The ride back home was awesome, there was a bit of a headwind and the cars where really coll about respecting the fact that the street is narrow and didn’t pass me unless they could do so without jamming me into the parked cars. That was really cool. I tend not to ride close to the parked cars because I don’t want a door to swing open on me, I also try my best to look in the side mirrors to make sure no one is sitting in the driver seat. I’ve been riding bike my whole life and I have only had a car door open on my like three times and only one time was bad, however not that I am 41 years old and not as fast and agile as I use to be when doors fly open, I make sure I take every extra precaution to ensure my safety. I am also sure I wont heal as fast as I use to as well.

Once back home I took Dodger out for his walk and then came back to return some calls and emails. I also wanted to touch base with two friends to see if they wanted to come over to watch the Oscars on Sunday. They both said yes and shortly after I spoke with they I needed to head to the store and pick up some things for my dinner. I have had this craving for a chicken salad sandwich and I dont have money to get it from a store and even if I did I am sure I would not b happy, so making it was the way to go for me. Plus I needed to use the chicken breast I had take out yesterday.

I went to Fresh and Easy, it is a new chain of self serve stores that have been popping up all over the place, the store is cool for many reasons, it’s smaller, the selection is pretty good, lots of private label items that is good in quality and you scan your own items and then someone bags them for you. Pretty cool and most times there is no line and you can get in and out with very little effort or hassle. The draw backs are the meats. I have purchased meats from them three times and each time I have not been happy with my selection. In fact the last time I got chicken breast there and got it home it had this awful smell and I needed to take it back. Plus sometime the meats don’t look like they make it to the cold storage in enough time. Having said this I tend to buy my meats some place else or I really play close attention to the meat I buy from them. I am not trying to get sick.

The sandwich was awesome and I even did a short Cooking with Kengi video. After eating I sat on the sofa with Dodger and looked at some TV for about two hours and then got ready to hit the gym. My workouts have been going very well and the results are starting to show and I am very happy about this. I even got some awesome news when I was leaving the gym as well. I am ranked in the top 30 males in several different categories and to see me name there was AWESOME and a huge boost for me.

It’s 12:35AM right now and Dodger is on his bed snoring and I am done with my day and this blog. I simply need to start uploading the videos from the day I just had. In all it was a great day and I feel great, but I do have a slight headache and I am in a bit more pain then normal, so I am calling it a night so I can jump into a hot bath and then into my bed for some much needed rest.

I hope you all are well