Old Blogs from 2009 (April)

// April 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Once Again I Call You……

• Posted by Kengi on April 2, 2009 at 1:27am

I haven’t been feeling all that hot lately, my Sickle Cell as been bothering me and I know this is because I have been stressing out about some things in my private life I tend not to blog too much about what is going on with me, because I don’t want people to worry about me. I also don’t want people to feel like I am complaining or giving up. Just so you know there are times when I get down, heck who doesn’t, bust some how people have made me out to be this super man and that just ain’t me. I have bad days, where I get discouraged and for those who has long been readers of my blog and my youtube channel, then you know full well people get on my damn nerves and I am not one to just let people say any damn thing they please to me. I don’t care who they think they are or what power they think they have over me. DON’T COME FOR ME, DON’T PUSH ME AND DON’T MAKE ME MAD. I am not nice when I am mad and you will not like the reply you get when you screw with me.

People who know me will tell you just how much progress I have made in this area of my life. There was a time when if you had something to say about me, my community work and things I care about, I would let you have it. Full force, I didn’t give a care who read it or who you ran and told it to. This is how I know people cant tell me there is no God, because I know they way I use to be and let me be the first to tell you that “good energy” and “positive vibes” don’t have a darn thing to do with how I deal with things now. It’s prayer and my desire to be closer to God. It’s me always challenging myself to rise above and simply let God handle. Some folks better be thanking God that I have even a taste of him in my life

Ma use to tell me not to worry just cause folks are talking bad about me or what I am doing, “baby this means you’re doing something worthwhile and since what they are doing ain’t worth a damn, they have to try to talk about you and what you are doing. At the end of the day, all they’ve done is talk shit and throw salt at what you’re doing.” She is was so right

I didn’t get much sleep last night. besides my Sickle Cell bothering me I also fell off my bike again from some bozo driver turning in front of me and I took a spill landing right on my knee. This is the knee that I hurt a few times. Twice when I was a kid riding my skate board back from Rip City Skates on Santa Monica Boulevard in Santa Monica. After two trips to the hospital my parents simply took my and my cousin Darrell to the skate board shop. We both always seemed to get hurt on our way back. maybe this was because we had just got some new gear for our boards and this made us even more of the daredevils we already were. Who knows? In any case this was when I hurt my left knee and had to have surgery.

The third time was playing King Conference Football. My cousin played for the Venice Bulldogs and I played for Beverly Hills. Santa Monica didn’t have a team when I was kid, as a matter of fact I don’t think they ever had a team. If they did it was flag football and we were far too rough for flag football. Besides my cousins and I loved to bang into each other and this wasn’t possible if you played flag football.

When I got up this morning I was very tired and my knee was really killing me. My Sickle Cell pain was much higher then normal, but I did what I could to keep it under control and not allow it to ground me for the day. At about 9:00AM I decided to check the front door to see if the mail person had run. the day before we didn’t have a normal mail lady because she always rings the bell and makes sure someone is here to get the larger things that don’t fit in the box. Replacement people simply sit it at the gate or on the steps. This happened the other day and today it happened again. We dont want to complain, because this could just make things worse. We’ll just be happy when I normal mail lady is back. She is awesome.

So when I opened the door there was this box and right away I got this huge smile on my face and all of the sudden the pain in my knee and the Sickle Cell pain seemed to fade away. Right away I knew the box was for Judy. I had already gotten an email from Courtney letting me the box had been mailed and I should be looking for it. In fact Judy called me on Tuesday to see if I had gotten the letter from Courtney yet. She had no idea she’d be getting more then a letter.

When I got the box inside and opened it I was once again blown away by Courtney and he kindness for others. This is the second box she has sent with items for an outreach, however this time the outreach was for Judy, her new penpal. Soon after I placed the video of judy online right way Courtney reached out and asked what she could do to help Judy. I asked if she wanted to be her penpal and maybe write to her. Courtney said “yes” and soon after I had this box filled with awesome goodness just for Judy.

Like I said, just seeing the box seemed to make my pain fade and getting excited about how I knew Judy would be smiling so big was also helping me feel so much better. Well at least the excitement building around that fact that Judy was so cared for by someone such as Courtney was amazing and I knew Judy would feel so loved, cared for and it too would make her smile so big. Judy is such a sweet lady, so to be able to offer even a little bit of help so cool, but today with the love and support and generosity of someone who saw a need and addressed it, once again my mission to restore respect and dignity to homeless people would prevail and all by simply asking people to care.

I took some Excedrin to help me with my headache and then took the items and placed them in two 2 gallon size zip lock bags. The items Courtney purchased for Judy were awesome. She received items for her hair, snacks, gum, lotion, shampoo and conditioner, lady speed stick, handy wipes, socks, a sweet pink cap, a nice beautiful hoodie, bar soap, bath sponge and so much more. She also received a daily diary and some pretty stationary as well. I was so excited for Judy. I could hardly wait for my roommate to come home so I could hope on my bike and head over to see her.

Once Andy got in a brushed my teeth and finished getting ready. The Excedrin still hadn’t kicked in and my knee was really starting to throb as well. However my Sickle Cell was still pretty much under control and this I was very happy with. Two of of three things bothering me really wasn’t that bad and I wasn’t about to allow these two things prevent me from going to see Judy so she could get her items. I wasnt feeling so good on Tuesday, plus I did the outreach to people with HIV and AIDS, so i didnt get the chance to make it over to see her. However we did talk on the phone for a bit and I was very happy to hear from her.

Once on my bike I had to remember not to put too much pressure of my knee, this meant not standing to gain speed and remaining in the saddle even as I was about to take off from a red light. This also meant going a bit slower then I normally do. However I still made it over to Judy in pretty good time. What normally takes me about 20 to 25 minutes to me about 30 to 40 minutes.

As soon as I rode up Judy started smiling, she was writing in her notebook like she is doing most times I come to see her. Today Mike was also with her and he too had seemed to be very happy I was there.

“Well hello Kengi.” Judy says with a huge smile

“Hey Judy how are you doing today?” I smile back “I have a surprise for you.”

“Oh you do?”

Mike slides over so I was able to sit near Judy and right away we start talking. I reach into my back pack and take out the first bag and hand it to her. Hey face just lit up and her awesome blue eyes just sparkled. She was so happy to get the items that Courtney had provided for her. In the first bag were most of her toiletry, hygiene and other items like a toothbrush and toothpaste kit was in the first bag. It also had her letter from and the dairy as well. She took the letter out and read it. The entire time her face was just so bright and her smile was awesome. It felt so good to see her so happy.

I handed her the next bag and again she lit up and was simply so thankful for all the amazing things Courtney had sent her. it was so cool to watch her look at the beautiful gray hoodie. She put that on and it looked awesome on her.

I visited with Judy and Mike for about a hour or so and about half way through Mike left to make his way toward the place where he gets his nightly meal. However before he left he asked me if I could help him get a new backpack. He told me how proud he was and how he didn’t like to ask anyone for help, because it has been his experience that people tend to look down on him when he asks for help. I told him the same things I tell everyone. “I have no judgments for him and I cant make any promises.” However I did tell him I would ask someone if they had a backpack that they wouldn’t mind giving to him. Before he left he shared some things with me and he talked about that it has been like for him since he’s been homeless. When he told me about the person who called him a lazy and worthless is eyes begin to water and he turned away. My heart sank for this man, because I i know how it feels to have someone say things about you that are hurtful and mean and all you have done wrong was to ask them for some help.

“Kengi, he didnt have to treat me like that. All he had to say was no.” I tried to offer him some comfort by simply telling him to ignore people like this. I never tell people I know how they feel or that I understand what they are going through, to do so is simply telling them a lie. Even though I have had many people treat me like crap while i was homeless and many more since homelessness has ended, i still have no clue or idea what they man was feeling. However the tears that fell down his face touched my heart and I nearly started to cry. I told Mike I would do what I could get replace his backpack. If anyone reading this has “gently used backpack” they would like to donate to Mike, please let me know.

I sat with Judy a bit longer and while sitting with her this lady walked up and handed her some food. “Here you are dear. I hope this helps.” Judy smiled so big and thanked the lady who had stopped her car a no parking zone and walked back to give some food. Judy told the lady was a school teacher and had stopped the other day and offered her some food to eat. I smiled at the lady and she smiled back.

Judy handed me her phone and asked me if I would charge it for her. I said yes and told her I would return it to her tomorrow. “Thanks so much Kengi.” I really don’t know what to say. You’ve really been kind to me. Please tell Courtney and all your friends I said thanks very much.”

“You’re more then welcome Judy.”

As I rode my bike back home I thought of just how much God is still very good, not just to me, but people like Judy as well. I thought of Mike and how the tears rolled down his face when he thought of how badly someone had treated him. It was in that moment that I recalled some of th nasty things people have said and done to me while was homeless, but this time I didn’t get sad. I kept on smiling with the sun on my face because I know I went through the 22 months for a reason. I smiled even bigger because I thought of how God has taken something that could have destroyed me and turned it into my purpose and my victory.

As I type this blog at 12:43AM I am in some pain, but still smiling, I am still concerned about things, but not worried because I know in the end. God is till in full control and all I have to do is sit tight and allow he to do all the work. No matter what any of us go through in life, we must know that isnt about us nor is it about us. The trials we face are not meant to break us, but make us stronger and more able to walk into the the destiny that God has for us.

Courtney, thank you so very for the awesomeness that you have done for Judy. Thank you for loving and respecting her and for allowing her to be part of your life. Thanks for caring for her and not simply making her feel anything but love, support and friendship. Since meeting you, your heart and actions have been pure and driven by nothing more then the desire to be of service to others who are in need. This speaks mountains of the awesome woman you are, even bigger mountains to the awesome lady that was (IS) your Grandmother. She raised a unique, kind, loving and caring human being, who is willing to go the distance for someone else, not because there is some pot of gold, or some “secret” that you get from some forum, but because God lives in you and he wont let the LIGHT in you not shine on people like Judy. You are truly an amazing woman Courtney, I am so honored and blessed to have you here on this network and even more in my life as my friend and my sister. With my whole heart I love and respect you.

There is a gospel song by Donnie McClurkin that says “Once again I call you and again you answer. Once I reach out and you are there. You are always there for me AGAIN and AGAIN.”

YOU ROCK!!!!!

ME with hiv “CELEBRATE LIFE”

• Posted by Kengi on April 4, 2009 at 12:00pm

Last year on April 3, 2008 is when I was told I was HIV positive and during that entire year access to HIV care or should I say lack thereof was a complete nightmare. From being told I could not see my medical team at Harbor UCLA Medical Center to having housing refused to me by Skid Row Housing Corporation through the HOPWA program and having to be recertified each month for my benefits from DPSS because some “mega brain” had entered my HIV as a temporarily health condition. Now DPSS says my needs are big met because two friends offered me housing with them instead of allowing me to suffering through one more day of fighting for my laptop and digital camera or having to go through one more day or night of abuse from places that claim to be doing such amazing work for people who are homeless with HIV or AIDS.

It was 9 months before I was able to get back in to see my doctor at the HIV clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center and even after getting back in to see the doctor the entire 9 month process was pushed under the rug as if it never happened or it was some how my fault that I was unable to get in to see my doctor. In speaking with people about this, from people with HIV, mostly gay men whose only goal was to get me to move close to them to people in line to help me access care for my HIV and even down to the people at the Office of AIDS here in California the answers were the same.

“There’s nothing I can do about that.” or “Mr. Carr lets just try to move forward now.” and my favorite “Why dont you just move here?” WTF?

There is nothing you can do about a County Hospital refusing care to patients? Let’s just move forward? In other words who gives a damn? As far as moving goes that wasn’t ever something I would even think to consider. Why in the world would I consider moving to a place where I dont know anyone? Why would I move to a place where I would still be homeless in a much colder climate? Why would I be stupid enough to believe that someone who lives wit their Mother and curses her out at the drop of a dime could even begin to care for me?

Yeah I am happy that I have come through the last year and I have emerged from it much stronger, much more prepared and much better armed with knowing that the only person who loves me and cares for me more then Christ is ME. Now I didnt say that no one cares for me, so please dont project. I am also happy and truly blessed by the fact that my immune system while it is very busy defending my body against other things in addition to HIV, I am still well protected. I say I am blessed because this is nothing more then great genetics, thanks to Ma and Pops and it is also by the grace and high favor of God.

So after one year, where I am with HIV? Will I start meds? How will they affect my body? Will they cause additional problems for me? Will housing ever come through for me? Will I ever get my ADAP person on the phone? Will I ever get a medical team that I fully trust? Will I ever trust that large campaigns to raise funds for HIV and AIDS care really have my best interests at heart when the sit down to plan and organize?

After one year I am doing fine, in fact I am doing better then fine. My T-cells have climbed and once again my viral load has dropped off significantly with no help from HIV meds, hell not even with medical care.

“Mr. Carr your immune system is remarkable. Thank your parents for this.” is what I was told at my last HIV visit.

Let me show you just how awesome it truly is. Harbor UCLA didn’t even bother to make sure I had received all vaccines, nor did they make me aware that I needed any either. So for almost a year my body was left to defend itself alone, with no assistance from “HIV CARE” and my body did just fine. In fact it did better then “just fine” It did awesome and excellent. My doctor said that my bodies ability to suppress HIV is amazing. “Natural Suppressor” The smile that came over my face as I sat int he office with him felt great. The load lifted was awesome and once again it was my faith and trust in God that had carried me through. Ignoring advice to turn and run to some place where not only I would have NO HIV care, but no care for cancer or Sickle Cell as well. I simply held on and trusted in what I know and believe.

I will not be starting any HIV meds, nor will I be starting any diabetic meds. My HIV is under full control by my body and I am not even close to being a diabetic, so the alarm that was sounded by a test that was WRONG was false. Furthermore it only makes me question things that much more and how things are handled when it comes to care of any kind from the medical community.

I am not holding out hope for housing from HOPWA, nor I am holding on to the hope that anyone from ADAP will ever call me back and correct things they have done wrong. However I will not allow this to make me not seek out, press for and get care for my HIV. In fact it has made me that much more determined to make sure things like this happen less and less until they no longer happen at all. Not for me, but for the men women and children who suffer through HIV at the hands of a system bogged down with self imposed red tape and all the other crap it’s created.

What I have learned from being HIV positive is the same things I have learned from being homeless for 22 months. There is more concern about getting paid then there is for really caring or fixing the real problems of homelessness and there certainly isnt any rush to correct the problems of access to care for people who are poor, black or women of color who not just suffer from HIV, but die from AIDS as a result of arrogance and ignorance on behalf of the powers that be.

For the first time I am questioning HIV and really questioning it. How and why there is no real standard that anyone pays attention to. How is that you can test positive in one place and be negative some place else? Why would our own US Government allow things to prevent people from getting care or even prevent people from getting health care coverage? Why would our government allow people to get sicker from HIV before care becomes available? Now I am in no way saying that I have become a “denialist” but I am saying that I am considering all possible ideas and outlooks. However I am not stupid enough to believe that I am fine. I have HIV and I am fully aware and greatly concerned about this, I am also greatly concerned about the lack of effort or concern from the medical community advocacy agencies. I must question even the gay community where our concern seems to be more geared toward getting married then the fact that people are being wiped out by HIV and AIDS. Where are the marches that clog city streets backing up traffic for hours for people with HIV and AIDS? Where are the tears?

Yesterday, Friday April 3, 2009 I celebrated one year being HIV positive. I launched my two HIV and AIDS outreach programs. I managed to get 15 people to get a rapid test. I celebrated with three awesome friends on Santa Monica Beach with the sharing of information and laughs as we watched the sunset.

This morning when I rose yeah
I didnt have no doubt
This morning when I got out of my bed
I didnt have no doubt

I know the Lord
Will take care of me
Hey, I know the Lord
Will provide for me
And I know he will
Guide me all the way

I woke up this morning and I saw a brand new day ya’ll
I didnt have no doubt
I said I got up this morning and God gave me a brand new day
I didnt have no doubt

So ya see, when I got up I felt like praying
Felt like praying

I felt like singin
Felt like singin

I felt like shouting
felt like shouting

I felt like running
Felt like running

I have HIV and I am sure HIV doesnt have me. AIDS wont take me out. It aint powerful enough to do that. I refuse to sit by and allow it to take out others as well while I stand by and say things like “Well all I care about is me” or “They died because of education and stigma.” when the real truth of the mater is they have died because of access to care and all the arrogant and ignorant people who stand in the way saying there is no barriers to care. This type of thinking and leadership is more deadly the HIV and AIDS can ever be, however there is a cure for this very thinking and leadership and it’s very simple. “KICK ROCKS”

This has been just one super weekend for me and my organization. First with the launch of my new HIV outreaches on Friday which were just awesome and then on Saturday I took some much needed ME TIME to relax, rethink, recharge and just spend time outside where the only care I had was for ME. I dont do this often, but it was great and it has been a while sine I’ve done this. It felt great!!!!

I’ve been spending time moving the thousands of pictures I have on this laptop that is near the end of it life over to flickr, my friends Eric told me this would be a good place and my other friend Patrick also said this would not only be a great place, but he also told me about a group called 365 that is for people who love taking pictures. Since I love this I am so looking forward to seeing what I can learn and how I can improve with my picture taking skills.

The weather was awesome on Saturday, I spent some time inside working on things for my organization and then i jumped on my bike and headed down to the beach to soak in th sun. It was such a sweet day to be outside, but then again most days here in Southern California are that way. When they say “sunny California” I think what they mean to say is “sunny Southern California” because I dont think the Bay Area enjoys the same awesome sunny warm weather that we enjoy here in Southern California.

Before I move on with Saturday and the rest of my weekend I want to talk for a bit about the awesome Easter Baskets that my friends Tina, Andy and Lourdes worked on for the outreach to Shriner’s Hospital for Children that is coming up on the 18th. Although Easter would have passed when we visit the hospital I am sure that kids will still appreciate the baskets and I am sure that some will not have had the blessing of getting an Easter Basket.

Once I got back home from the awesome evening with friends on the Beach (Kengi’s Get Tested Party) I came how to a sea of Easter Baskets and supplies getting ready to bring joy to children from low-income families who just happen to be in the hospital. This is the second time I am able to do this outreach and I am so blessed that I have the same three awesome people who helped to launch this program in such a powerful way. The tree worked hard to get the baskets all put together and in all we have 10 Easter Baskets so far.

Saturday, like I said was a day for me and it was such an awesome day. I was still on cloud 9 from the day and night before and just blown away by the awesome friends in my life. After I spent some time speaking with friends and checking email and talking to some friends from other states on the phone, I then jumped on my bike and headed to the beach. It was was awesome.

I really didnt have any plans other then taking time out for me. I wanted to enjoy the day with just taking it slow, no plans and no schedule and no place to be. Doing the community work that I do, for me this is hard, some people say I spend way too much time caring for others and not enough time caring for me, but this couldnt be further from the truth. While I do spend a great deal of time reaching out to try to find ways to love and support people who have less, I do take time out for me. Even if it is just a few minutes or an hour out of each day, I do take time out for me. However, Saturday was a full day to do that and I am so glad I took this time for me.

While I took care of some things in the apartment I made sure I had some music playing. Most of the time my girl Ms. Jill Scott was keeping me in line, joined by the awesome Angie Stone and the sweet Ms. Badu. You just cant go wrong with the sounds of these three powerful voices blasting and keeping you in tunned to LIFE and LOVE.

There are many songs I love by all three women, however “I Keep” by Jill Scott is my song and each time it plays so much inside of me gets moved and pushed around, so it was so surprise to me when the tears begin to fall when she gets to the part that says “I keep smiling when come through and I cry when I need to.”

The beach was awesome, sunny and warm. I rode from West LA to Santa Monica and then made the right left toward Venice Beach. The bike trail was filled with people on their bikes and people walking along side the as well. People were smiling and looking like life was being good to them and that was so cool to see. Even the homeless people I ran into that I know also had smiles on their faces and for me this was cool because I didnt feel like I needed to stop and check on them, so i was able to simply wave, smile and keep on riding only stopping when I felt like I wanted to, not because I needed to.

My first stop was in Venice at the drum circle. I didnt stay long because I really am never impressed with the beats or rhythms I hear. For me Drums need to speak to my soul and even though there are many different people involved in a drum circle, I just happen to think, feel and know that the beat and rhythm needs to be the same. otherwise is just sound like a bunch of people beating and banging on drums making tis load noise with no real focus or goal other then to just beat on a drum and dance around like some zombie. I tried to get into it, but I love drums and I hate noise and in the words of my Ma. “I wasnt receiving this in my spirit.” so I left and continued with my bike ride.

I am so glad I moved on because further down the bike near the Venice Graffiti Walls I ran into an old friend who I havent seen in over 10 years. When he called out my name I was taken by surprise because he was in a wheelchair. He was on the sand working on some graffiti on one of the walls. Turns out he was in a car accident, he was hit head on by a drunk driver. He told me that it was nothing but God who reached down and saved his life. “Man the care was split in three ways” he lost both his legs, but the other four in the car lost their lives. He told me that for a while he struggled with why God took them but allowed him to remain here. he also shared that he has been reading my blog for a over three years now. He also watches my youtube channel and when he said “stay encouraged man” I knew what he meant.

We talked for a while and I watched as he did his art on the wall. I asked him who from school supported him, who has reached out to him? He laughed and said “the same ones who talk shit about you.” We both laughed and I said “It is what it is man” and we laughed more. Right before we said our goodbyes we exchanged phone numbers and emails addresses and then I was all set to jump back on my bike he grabbed my arm.

“Louis, dont ever let anyone who attacks you and what you are doing make you think for one second that what you are doing isnt right or good. They only attack and seek to bring you down because they hate that someone like you is not letting life and all the sit it throws at you destroy you. You keep it pushing man and keep you head up high. I dont give a damn what anyone says, You are the most successful, caring and loving person we went to school with. So dont you dare let the haters get to you man.”

My heart sank a bit, because he and I weren’t the best of friends in school. To be very honest he was like most people I went to school with, we were never friends, just someone I knew. Just like some many people who have walked back into my life with “friend” dripping from their lips only to walk away and talk crap about me and my work in an effort to throw shade. Well this tree is firmly planted and I know who my friends are. They’ve been the same ones my entire life, so I know who is all talk and who is just jumping on the bandwagon. Some jump off some damn fast they nearly break their ankles in the process. LOL.

“Thanks man. I really appreciate you being honest and real with me. That means a lot. It also speaks a lot to the man you are now and that my friend is growth. It was awesome seeing you, thanks for calling out to me. reach out if you ever need someone to talk to man. I mean that.”

As I walked off the sand back the the bike trail I thought to myself “make a way for him”

I stopped for a while and watched some basketball and then I started heading back. My roommates had mentioned going to a photography exhibit in Santa Monica, since I looking to start marketing my photos and so many people even people from right here on Project KengiKat have said that my photos are pretty good and as I look for ways to support myself and pretty much reinvent me at 40 years old as well as continue to do my community, I was very excited to go to this photo exhibit. I am so glad I went because the information I got was awesome, the people I spoke with were great and I am looking forward to seeing what unfolds as i am about to embark on a new adventure along my path towards my victory.

As I rode back home I heard this awesome beat coming from the drum circle. The main beats were still unfocused and all over the place, but there was a beat that was doing a great job forcing the loud noise to conform to something my driven and real. As I got closer this beat became my clear and far more in control. How sweet was it that the main beat was coming from a young brother who has AIDS and also marked in one the hottest bands around for Historical Black Colleges. He as joined by another brother from Senegal that was also doing his job to listen and help control the other drummers who were simply sitting in the area, but not part of the greatness that could come from such a cool assembling of souls.

Together these two brothas seems to tame and control the crowd and for a while the noise and loudness of the other drummers was silenced even though they were still banging and beating on their drums. I sat and soaked it all in again both men picked up their drums and walked away.

“This shit is so wack” one said as he walked past me and winked.

“You made the noise go away brotha.” We laughed and shook hands. I jumped back on my bike and rode home

Palm Sunday, what an awesome day for me

• Posted by Kengi on April 6, 2009 at 12:30pm

Palm Sunday for me was many things, although it is a very awesome time for believers all over the world, it is also in my opinion a very important time to reflect on what the message of Christ really is and for me that is “humanity” and am able to be of service to others, just as Christ was. I know there is no way I could ever measure up to the man he was and the great King he is today, but my desire is to be more and more like him as I travel along in my life.

My day wasnt spent sitting in the pew saying amen, clapping my hands and patting my feet. Nor was it spent listening to some message about how Christ and God how they dont care about certain people, places and things. I dont serve that God and I know my God will never send out such messages of hate and destruction because my God is a WAY MAKER, A PEACE GIVER, A STRONG TOWER, A SHELTER IN THE TIME OF STORM, he is a FRIEND to the FRIENDLESS and he is BREAD when we are hungry. I also know my God, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ would not have been sitting in some man made building doing nothing while there are plenty of people right outside those four walls with so much hurt, harm and despair. I know Jesus would have been out “doing something” for people and not sitting up talking about it or around it.

My morning was spent with Tina and Andy having breakfast and then we walked and took in the sights of the Brentwood Art Show. There was so much there and so much to take in. The cool thing was that the night before I had the chance to spend talking with, looking at and making myself aware of all the awesome mediums of photography that are out there and I was encouraged that I have a pretty impressive collection myself. Walking along the looking at the art there were more cool displays of just what I am able to create in order to bring in an income for myself.

I met up with Niambi around 11:00AM, she had called the night before and told me she the had backpack for Michael that her boss Gary had donated after she shared the request with him. Gary provided a sweet backpack that look like it was never even used for Michael who is a homeless senior I met not too long ago while i was visiting with Judy. I was really looking forward to spending some time with Niambi, because she is so cool and i really love her spirit. When i learned that I would have her all to myself all day~even into the early evening~I was so happy.

I said my goodbyes to Andy and Tina and started walking down to link up with Niambi. Like always when I saw her she had this awesome smile and there seemed to be, once again, this glow around her. When I first met Niambi she had this awesome smile as she walked down the street toward me, so it is so refreshing to always see this sweet smile whenever I am with her. God always sends people to replenish me and make me feel that I am not alone in this mission and I am honored that he has sent Niambi.

We walked around and talked and got to share with each other more about who we are and what drives us. The cool thing about Niambi is that she is so caring and so very concered about the people I am trying to serve and it is such a pure concern, nothing that is fake and feels like there is an agenda behind it. Her actions and questions when she speaks to homeless people or others that I try to serve are honest, non judgmental or condescending. Sometimes when people ask questions of homeless people or even families that I try to serve they seem intrusive, uncaring and downright disrespectful, but they dont see this because they arent really interested in helping or understanding, but more interested in the agenda or “plan” they come with. These type of volunteers or “friends” fall by the way side very fast because they didnt come to serve anyone but themselves and their monumental ego. Someone once told me that he didnt have the “compassion chip” built in him and this is very true, he didnt and it was so clear in how he spoke about blacks, poor people and homeless people. This is true for many, but in rare cases like my core group of supporters, like that of Niambi I am so humbled by the humanity that explodes and overflows from them for no other reason then what they are doing is te right thing to do and they fully understand that it isnt about them or their friends.

After spending some time at the Brentwood Art Show, Niambi and I headed back to my place to get some water, grab my camera and we then walked to the Westwood to the Federal Building to show out support for the men and women of Darfur. This rally was very different from the one I had been to just a few short weeks ago, where the focus was more on educating people about what is taking place and urging people to act and do their best to do something about what is going on. I was very proud and honored that my friends Eric and Willow had shared with me about this and even more honored to meet two amazing people like Katie-Jay and Gabriel. For me the event was powerful and left such a profound understanding about how this world, not just America, but the entire world really needs CHANGE.

However this time the rally was very focused on the fact that it was Palm Sunday and then Easter and less importance was placed on the message of doing all we can as a country, as a community and as individuals. When one of the Rabi’s spoke he used things that would cause people to believe that God is evil, mean and all bad and that didnt sit well with me. He also used things from the Old Testament when the word lived under the LAW of God. Well God sent his son Jesus and he died on the cross so now we live under GRACE, not the LAW. Christ going to the cross CHANGED things for all of us, so when I hear people wo are supposed to know things like this speaking about how God is going to destroy and wipe out things I am very bothered by this as a believer. One because it isnt correct and it send a clear message to non-believers that God is bad and mean and evil and like violence and that he even condones all of these things. It creates disbelief and causes people to be turned off to God and Christ instead of being turned off to church, religion, doctrine, things that just arent so.

I even had the chance to here city council people, county supervisors and other city leaders stand and speak to the issue of how much they care, how much they are involved and how they are working so hard on things like homelessness, poverty, hunger and basic care right here in Los Angeles County and then to add to this lie they say how they care and are involved with the effort in Darfur. Give me a break, you are no more caring or concerned about Darfur then you are about issues of homelessness, health care, poverty, affordable housing or anything right here in Los Angeles. There was a Black old school choir singing way off key to the tune of “keep you lamps trimmed and burning” and again I must say that the message was still being missed.

When my buddy Eric spoke I was very impressed and the overall message once again became clear to me. Helping Darfur isnt about shouting which God you may or may not serve. It’s about helping and doing anything you can to help the people of Darfur. It isnt about a choir singing an old spiritual to which they clearly have lost an understanding of. It’s about the men women and children who are being wiped out be a government that is out of control and killing the very people it was meant to serve and help as well as honor.

Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday mean far more to me then then churches that don’t do a dog gone thing for the community they are located in, it means far more to me then the ability to quote old scripture that has no baring on what is taking place TODAY in this world. You see I serve a TODAY kind of God and he speaks to me in a TODAY kind of voice. Not a voice of thousands of years ago. Just like WE are people must move forward, the word and full understanding of GOD and the message of CHRIST must also move forward. I am sorry to inform you of this, but Christ wasnt chilling with the high and mighty, he was the great King of kings that hung out with the poor and those who had less. He wasnt in some “fancy” place with “fancy people” doing nothing.

The coolest thing for me was the fact that I once again had the chance to hang out with the men of Darfur who I had a met a few weeks ago. Again they were filled with joy and their spirits were so full with the awesome wonder and thankfulness of what people were DOING for their brothers and sister and even their Mom and Pops. The one thing that struck me and touched me was when of the gentle spoke to me he talked about the fact that his Mother is there and he hasnt been able to get in touch with her. He doesnt even know if his own Mother is still alive or if she is how she is dong or if she is suffering. I cant begin to imagine what this man and many other men and women from Darfur most be going through, but to see the smiles still in place on their faces was so remarkable and amazing to me. That was truly awesome.

I also got to see so many other cool people that I met at the first two rallies I went to. Emily was again was so sweet and cool and her smile was so awesome to see. She even has a sweet new tattoo of the African Continent that she showed me. SWEET!!! The I go to see Sandra again, she is also someone who is not just showing up at rallies but out in the field doing what is required to make CHANGE a reality for people and not just talking about. I also had the opportunity to speak with and interview the women of the Inglewood Links and for me this was such a cool thing to do. I was sorry that my new friend Katie-Jay and Gabriel were unable to make it to the Federal Building because they had just come home from Chad and may have been in the Airport when the rally took place. It’s awesome to know that they are home safe and sound and that the prayers I prayed and the prayers so many people prayed for their safety were answered. I also had the chance to share and talk with Mary and Skyler. Once again they were there to show their support and again their children were with them. I had th chance to share a bit with Mary about my Get Tested Party and when i told about about the situation of a few people I could see that she was touched by what we were talking about. For a second her hand went to her mouth, while we were speaking but in the end I know the God in her will move upon her heart to move into action for people who are suffering just as she and Skyler have already done.

Niambi and I then walked back to my place, got more water and headed out to visit with and be a blessing to Michael with the gift of a backpack and some other things Niambi had for him. I also had the gift bag of bras, panties and other amazing items from my friends Patrick and Kryslte. Naiambi was kind enough to also help with batteries and a phone card for Judy’s radio and cell phone. How sweet was that.

As we walked away from the Federal Building by friend Eric came up gave me money to get Easter Baskets with. Eric and Willow have been so supportive of me since the very first time they met me and I am so honored to call them friends as well as supporters. This $30 along with the money Niambi added was able to buy items for 10 additional Easter Baskets bringing the total now to 20 Easter Baskets for the Children at Shriner’s Hopsital for Children. I am so honored and moved by the acts of sheer kindness by people I have the privilege to call my friends.

We visited with Judy, Michael and Mariam for a while and then I went with Nimabi to the Trader Joe’s to get her meals for a couple of days and while with her I was able to help her with selection of fish.. She is going to make some awesome fish tonight and I will tell you guys how it came out. If she followed my directions the fish will be awesome.

My weekend was great. Filled with ME TIME mingled in with time for others. Wait til I blog about TODAY, Monday April 6th.

Imagine ME

• Posted by Kengi on April 6, 2009 at 10:23pm

Imagine me loving what I see
When the mirror looks at me
Cause I, I imagine me

In a place of no insecurities
And I finally happy
Cause I imagine me

Letting go of all the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can YOU imagine me

Saying NO to the thoughts to try to control me
Remembering ALL you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?

I am over what my friends did
And healed from all that was ever said
Now I am going to LIVE
And NEVER read that page again

Imagine me

Ma and Pops, can you imagine me?
Being free,trusting and loving the man you created and raised me to be
Finally I can imagine me

I admit it was hard to see anyone being in love
with someone like me
Finally I can imagine me

Ma and Pops, imagine me
Being strong and not letting people break me down
Nope, they wont get that joy this time around
Naw, not this time
Can you imagine me?

In a world where nobody has to be afraid
Because of the love of God you placed deep down in me
The fear is gone
Can you imagine me?

I am letting go of friends and things of the past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
Cause I dont have to ever read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting and loving God totally
Finally I can imagine me

I must admit Jesus
It was hard to see YOU being in love
with someone like me
yeah, broke down me
Finally I can imagine me

I write this to people like me
Those that have struggled and are still struggling with the guilt and shame of homelessness
The heartache and pain of HIV and AIDS
Friends who turn and walk away
Loved ones who no longer speak to you
A community that has never welcomed nor embraced you or me

Your idea is not good enough, your labor is not long enough, you didnt raise enough, you’re not pretty or sexy enough
But try to hold on and think of God whispering in YOUR EAR
Letting you know that EVERYTHING that has happened is now over and

Gone, gone, it’s all gone
All the hurt
Gone, gone, it’s all gone
All the tears you’ve cried
GONE, gone, it’s all gone
Every mistake, failure, fear
GONE, gone, it’s all gone

Those who thought to they could hurt and destroy you
GONE, gone, it’s all gone
Those who said you would never make it, told you that you were not good enough
GONE, gone, it’s all gone

Wipe your tears and dry your face because
It’s gone, gone, gone, yep it’s all gone

Imagine me LOVING what I see
When the mirror looks at me
Cause I, yes I, imagine me

In am place where my soul is free
And I’m finally happy
Because I’ve let go of all those who hurt me
Cause they NEVER deserved me

Now look at the man I am today
Still standing tall
Still proud
Still successful and
Still so in love with the God inside of me

Imagine me

“ReInvent” at 40

• Posted by Kengi on April 8, 2009 at 10:23am

I am 40 years old and I am in what I am calling a “Reinvent” period of my life. I am calling it this because my life is not what it use to be and what I use to do for a living isn’t my drive anymore. People I use to hang out with aren’t the kind of people I am hanging out with now. I am not saying in any way they are bad people, not at all, most of them are in fact awesome people, however my path is taking me in a much different direction and while I may see them from time to time, we no longer run in the same circles. The things I use to care about, just dont seem to have any place in my life now, I guess this is because my life doesnt have a “drive” anymore, it now has a “purpose” and there is a huge difference between drive and purpose.

As I type this I am moving all my pictures from the last 2 years of my, even more over to a web-ablbum, this laptop is very old and I really need to clear some space on it. I am also doing this because it is part of my “reinvent” period. Since I am no longer looking to get cooking gigs that would dominate my time and pull me away from the awesome work I have created and the work so many of you have come to love and support, I am looking for ways to earn a living that will not pull me away from my work, however it will allow me to earn a living and also fund my community work that I do.

So many people have said that I take some pretty nice pictures and over the weekend I had the chance to attend some photography openings and I spoke with some photographers. They encouraged me to simply take a chance to work at finding a venue for me work. One guy even suggested an online gallery where people could see my pictures and then pay for a print of the picture. He said this was how he got started. Once of the cool things about attending the photography opening was that there was an area about skid row. How cool right? Well it was.

Tina and Andy are very supportive of my organization and of me. Tina made me aware of the exhibit and she is also the one who told me about the display of skid row works. Both of them and I have to agree with them, that my pictures of Skid Row and of homelessness in general are just as good if not better then those that we saw at this one gallery.

yesterday I took some time to seek out this “reinvent” and I walked into a gallery where I know someone and she was kind enough to introduce me to the owner who just happened to have some free time. We talked almost two hours and while she doesn’t show photography in her studio, she was very encouraging as well as supportive. She told me to get some of my pictures printed and placed into a portfolio and start looking for places to show them. She told me for someone who is shooting with a camera like I have and is able to still capture “incredible pictures” is a real talent and gift. She gave me some pointers and also told me to continue with the approach I have for taking pictures, because it is fresh and real and it comes through in the pictures I take.

“May I call you Louis?”

“Sure”

“Louis some people can take amazing pictures that get published and look nice hanging on walls. Your pictures are far different then this. I am not saying that aren’t worthy to hang on walls and make lots of money. What I am saying is this, your pictures tell a story, they capture the moment. Your pictures have a soul, they have life and the way you take them gives then this life and soul. Keep doing this.”

I was blown away by what she said about my pictures. Like I have said to many of you when you say my pictures are really good. “I really dont think they are all that.”

“Good, keep thinking that. Once you cross the line into thinking you are the shit, you will forfeit you gift and talent and became just someone who takes pictures. You are not a photography, you are an artist and your pictures show this. Even the ones that are out of focus. You have a gift young man.”

I walked out of the studio and I noticed that tears started to run down my face. No one has ever said such nice things about my pictures. Dont get me wrong, people say nice things all the time, but like I said, I just think they are ok.

So now I have to find a way to make some money to support myself and my organization. So “reinventing” me and what I do that will allow me to keep doing my community work is so very important to me right now. I dont want to stop doing my work, so I need to create a way for my love for picture taking create a way for me to support myself.

I ave a few ideas and even some places where I might be able to hang my pictures. I will keep you posted on all of this. In the meantime I am getting back to moving my pictures and I am also going to start spending time in my groups, more so then on my blog. As I looked around my network today I see so much and I see where all of it is a clear reflection of me and who I am. So I will “reinvent” me here on this network as well.

I also looked around and saw some new blogs from two very special ladies in my life. Courtney and Forah, how cool was it to see this as i was talking on the phone with Shyron last night. Sorry for falling asleep on you Shyron. LOL

I’m fearing NOTHING

• Posted by Kengi on April 11, 2009 at 11:00am

Being sick is something I have grown to deal with. With Sickle Cell there simply isnt a day where I am not in pain. What kind of pain? Well imagine Berry Bonds swinging his to hit in an attempt to knock a ball out of the stadium the only difference is that ball is your body. This is the kind of pain I am talking about. Not just a few times a day, but constantly at least 5 days out a the week. In addition to this then imagine a stabbing feeling along with a riping of your skin from the inside. All of this all over your body at once, DAILY. My pain level hovers right around 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. Most Sickle Cell Patients manage their pain alone with no medication. On days when my pain level is down it drops to about a 5 on the scale.

It’s funny to me how as a kid and most of my adult life I never had a cold or the flu. This never came until homelessness paid my life a 22 month visit. This is also the time when HIV came to join the in the quest to destroy what my parents created in me. While I was homeless I suffered through many colds, flus, over 12 staph infections that went untreated by hospitals where I stayed on average of 6 days. I have three blood infections from the staph and one heart infection.

As a kid I was called by the Blacks kids the half breed with the long brown girly curls. White kids cold me “Screamer” because when I would have a Sickle Cell attack or “crisis” it causes me to scream. I was the source of so much laughter, so I was also known as the kid that would beat your fucking ass if you dared to make fun of me. at 15 I was out out school for over three months, but still didnt miss a beat while I was in the hospital. My school work got done and I remained in school even though I wasnt present. NOTHING was goig to hold me back.

I remembered the very first time I was able to gain enough weight to play football. I was so happy. I saw the smile on my Pops face after four years of me begging him to let me play and then he had to comfort me when i was cut from the team because I was unable to make the required weight. When I was born the doctors told my parents not to expect much from me. I didnt come home until after my 3rd birthday, didnt walk until after 5 years old. So my life was very much catch for me. My parents said they told the doctors that I would be fine and they treated me just like a normal kid.

I was 10 years old when I finally made the team and I wasnt even supposed to get any field time, but as God would have it I not only got to play in the opening day game I scored four touchdowns on offense and score 3 more on defense after intercepting three passes that should have been caught by the receiver. I could hear my parents yelling and screaming when I intercepted my first pass in the endzone and run it all the way back to the other end of the field for a touchdown.

“Run Kat” is what my granpa kept yelling while My Ma was screaming “run baby run” My coach ran on the sideline all the way with me saying “keep going Carr, run boy run” Once I cleared the crowed endzone of all players I made my way to the sideline and ran all the way up the side of the right side of the field just like I say my brother Mark do so many tmes before and then right before the endzone I cut in toward the center of the endzone and dropped the ball in a spin just like he always did right after I crossed that white chalk line.

My Pops had come down from the stands and picked me up. “Are you alright baby?” is what he asked me. I couldnt answer him because i had just ran that long distance gaining speed with each stride. Just like my older brother Mark did in his football games. My team mates were so happy, but I was more interested in being with my family, then with them because until this, I was the half bread kid. So at a early age I learned how to be part of something even though I wasnt really welcomed. I played football, baseball, track, soccer, and a year of water polo. I then discover BMX bikes and it was over then. In 1984 when the Olympic Games were in LA I recall going to see the Opening Ceremonies and it was awesome. My cousin and I later went to see the races at the 7-11 Veladrome and we watched this Black man dominate the races. It was sweet. After closing Ceremonies my cousin and I had three new rode bikes each. WOW, it was on.

I didnt play sports in school because I never felt like I wanted to play with the kids that always made fun of me and I was to busy beating them up for calling me half bread and other names. It wasnt until High School that someone was silly enough to call me fagot. After I kicked his ass in the quad and then told him “This fagot just kicked your ass and your brother gives great head.” That was so cool. I had a great childhood, I did have some friends from school and to this day they are still my friends. because they are “real”

During homelessness I had to fight over 50 times for my laptop and digital camera. The laptop I currently have is one someone who started reading my blog and helping me with my outreaches to homeless people while I was homeless. This is my 5th laptop. I had a Powerbook G-4 when I became homeless. It wasnt long before I lost it in the fist fight with some assholes. It took 5 of them to get it from me. By the time the police got there I was sitting with their blood on my clothes, some of it was mine, but my laptop and camera were gone. What the fuck did they come for. I walked down to the beach and sat on the sand and just cried. I cried so much through homelessness. However I never asked God “why”

I hate being sick, dont like ti at all. HIV is like a game and I dont know what to believe anymore. There is so much information on HIV and the only side that seems to be reading from the same script are people who say the disease is one huge scam. I have heard doctors and AIDS Educators say things like “you’re fine, there’s plenty of time” I’ve even heard things like “there’s no rush” WTF? So then why is there all this effort to get people to take an HIV test only to have them get told things like “There’s no rush”

Moreover my experience with being HIV positive has be very negative. Especially from the gay community and for me this is troubling. It’s making me begin to question the entire thing and to be very honest I dont know if I have HIV or not. There has just been so much mis-information from people who are supposed to know. When I take all of what has happened to me since I was told I was HIV positive and how my medical care has gone, I have no choice but to question it. The fact that States dont offer medical help until you have an AIDS diagnosis is questionable. Why would you allow anyone to get sicker before you offer to try to make them better?

Why dont doctors have clear answers as to when someone should begin HIV Meds? Why doesnt each doctor follow guideline set by the CDC? Why was I told I should start HIV meds right away because of my cancer and Sickle Cell? They didnt even have answers as to how I would do on meds or how they would affect my Sickle Cell or cancer treatments. When you are the one with the answers, but you cant answer my questions or there are too many answers for the same questions it leads me to question and right now I am really questioning this whole thing. I am not saying I believe HIV wont lead to AIDS and I am not saying that people have not died from AIDS. I am saying that the medical community doesnt know enough and in my opinion arent doing enough to find out. When we get in bed with the devil (drug companies) then devilish things will become the result of this. When I see funding for AIDS Treatment Educators coming from drug companies and when I see the same people who are suppose to be advocating for a cure for ALL, not just those who are rich and can afford it, I have to question this.

Homeless, HIV and AIDS are very serious matters and for anyone, ANYONE to make light of or not take them very seriously is very disturbing to me. I had to fist fight a great deal when I was homeless. I’ve seen gay men get the shit beat out of them for no other reason then them being gay. But when you are gay and homeless here in Los Angeles, more then likely you will end of on skid row which is the most worst place for someone who is dealing with homelessness, let alone someone who is gay. it is a very non gay friendly place, so why is it that the community doesnt do more to make sure that gay men and women arent sent to the lions den simply because they are homeless?

Homelessness is no laughing matter and it is certainly nothing that anyone, especially gay people should make light of for any reason. I now know 6 people who have died from AIDS that were homeless and for me this is nothing to joke about or make light of. It certainly isnt something one should just blurt out in the heat of the moment when the fact of the matter is you have some demons you need to deal with.

I made it through 22 months of homelessness because I refused to take bullshit and unacceptable situations from the places and people who are supposed to help me through it. instead they provided roads that would keep me in it much longer then it has to be, because people are getting filthy rich off the suffering of others. This is very true for HIV and AIDS as well.

There isnt a damn thing funny about playing games with the life of someone. Just like there isnt a damn thing funny about homelessness and it a down right rude, disrespectful and evil of anyone who makes jokes, makes light of and doesnt take homelessness dead serious. People in this country DIE while battling homeless. I had a gun in my face while homeless, I had to fight for MY THINGS while homeless, I even had to fight simply because I walked down the wrong damn street, so dont make light of homelessness. it just inst fucking funny and YOU need to fucking get this.

I am through homelessness right now, but it can happen at anytime for any reason and I am fully prepared for that. Where I live now, I dont pay rent and I clearly have no real voice here, so I know full damn well if I say things that piss me off or upset me, or call things out I run the risk of being thrown out again. So I I keep things bottled up inside of me and I know this is one reason why my Sickle Cell kicks in more times then it ever has since I was a kid.

When my doctors asked if I was homeless again, my heart dropped, because I never want to read that page again, but I know if I have to I can and I will get through it again. But to hear that I have yet another upper respiratory infection from “living in an unclean environment” just makes me heart break. It also makes my soul hurt.

In all of this, I will trust in God because besides myself, he is the ONLY one who loves me unconditionally. He is the only who truly can make a way out of no way and I know he will do it again, just like he has done in the past.

I am glad God is who he is, because if he were one of those who claim to care, I would have been dead a long time ago. In all of this I will continue to trust, believe and wait on him, counting my blessings and taking direction from him ONLY, because he is my ALL, my EVERYTHING, my SHELTER in the time of storm, my WHEEL in the middle of the wheel, my STRONG tower, my WAY maker, my PEACE giver, my COMFORTER, HE IS my KING, my SUNLIGHT when it is raining. GOD IS and since he IS, I am fearing NOTHING, not homelessness, not HIV, not man, NOTHING.

My FAITH is rooted and it will not be changed. It is my FOUNDATION and it is SOLID and it wont be chipped.

This morning when I woke up I heard my Ma telling me firmly “Be still baby and fear nothing, you just need to trust God. This too shall pass. You stay strong.”

SO LONG GUYS

• Posted by Kengi on April 13, 2009 at 2:00am

I am giving up the main spotlight since so many people are starting to blog. Shyron, Courtney, Forah, Jeff, Lyndia and even Dab have done blogs this week. AWESOME and powerful too. So I am spreading my blogs out in the many groups that are here. So please keep bloggin guys and look for my blogs in the groups.

You have to check to where I what blog I will blog in

Hope you all had an awesome Easter Weekend.

A homeless artist drew this picture of me. I will blog him in tomorrows blog

My Life Through My Lens

• Posted by Kengi on April 17, 2009 at 1:48pm

No Weapon formed against me.

• Posted by Kengi on April 24, 2009 at 6:00pm

The last few days have been pretty hard for me. I have this tooth that has been bothering me, so I havent felt very well. The pain gets so bad at times can hardly sleep. So I reached out on facebook for some help with getting to a dentist and today I was able to go see one. Good news right? Well the bad news is this. I hae to have three teeth pulled and I am very unhappy about this because I have made every effort to get this taken care of, but clinic always say “this is major surgery and we cant do that” So now something that was minor is now something very major for me simply because I am now poor without medical of any kind.

They worked on one tooth today for over two hours and all I have for the huge amount of pain I am now in is over the counter Tylenol which does nothing for my Sickle Cell pain, so I knew it would do nothing for the pain I now have in my mouth. On top of this the tooth they pulled wasnt even the tooth that is really bothering me. So now I have the pain from that tooth much worse and this huge hole where the other tooth use to be.

What kills me is the fact that I am now in this situation because I am poor and formerly homeless. I run the risk of having the infection in my mouth affect my HIV, Sickle Cell and many other things can happen from simple neglect. It isnt like I just let this go and wasnt doing all I could to get it taken care of. I will now have three top teeth completely gone from my mouth, which will greatly affect my quality of life. In addition to this being three teeth gone, this is also the side that I chew on. As if I dont already have enough crap I am dealing with in my life, I now have this.

The dentist who worked on me today were awesome and I am so appreciative for them being so kind and so gentle with me. I have a HUGE fear of needles, but when she did the injections she made sure I was comfortable. The first injection I almost didnt feel at all, however the injection close to the tooth they worked caused some discomfort, but throughout the entire procedure both doctors were awesome at making sure I wasnt in any pain and that I was completely comfortable the entire time. I will return next week to have the other teeth removed. I am hoping they will be able to take booth teeth at once instead of having to come back for a third time, but however long this will take I will make certain I comply with dates I need to be there.

To be very honest I am very upset by the entire thing. I am very proactive with my health care, so would say I am far too active, but apparently not enough, because even with all the advocacy I do, it still isnt enough to prevent things like this from happening. At the end of the day, the only one who suffers is ME and people like me. So when people tell me to rest and slow down, there simply is no time for this, because while it may look like I am only fighting for others, I am also very much fighting for myself as well. If I dont do it, then who?

Simply looking inside my mouth is so damn depressing. How can I ever smile with this huge space in my mouth? How does a person feel comfortable talking, smiling or even laughing with the what I now see? I am no just talking about me, so dont make it about me. What about the person who already feels they are ugly? What about the person who already feels their life isnt worth holding on to? What about the person already dealing with the hurt and shame of homelessness? What about the person who already has so much shame and the thoughts of feeling like they are damaged good because of HIV or AIDS? How do people who are not as strong as I am handle looking in the mirror and seeing what I now see? What others will see when they open their mouth? What others will think of them? Judgments people will make? Comments and all the giggles, jokes and laughs they will simply have to endure for something that could have very easily been taken care of?

It seem like when I fix one thing here come something else to screw things up, cloud my vision and cause me to question if I have done something wrong when I know I have done all I could. Cause me to say “well you should have tried harder” when I tried as hard as I could. I asked as much as I could. so who is left with the UGLY smile? The YUCK mouth? Who will be the blame for this? ME, I will have to shoulder it all, just like others in my situation why people sit back and talk trash, make judgments and comments.

When I look inside my mouth, I see the huge gap where one tooth use to sit and I will still have two more teeth removed. Running my tongue over the area where my tooth you to sit and seeing it in the mirror looks and feels disgusting, it looks disgusting and I know others will judge me for it, Just like I am judge and looked down upon for having been homeless, for having HIV, for have cancer, Sickle Cell and even for being Black. No I am someone who didnt take the time to take care of my teeth.

My pain level is always rather high because of my Sickle Cell and I manage it on my own. Today my pain level is far beyond what I am use to managing, but I am poor and have no other choice to but try my very best to manage it and get through this and I will get through it. But why should anyone have to go through this crap?

When I was told I was HIV positive my life really changed. I was homeless and had already been in plenty of fights on the streets, so I knew that fist fighting was no longer an option for me. When I was told i would be sent to a place that I already knew had no medical care and I had already had to fight for my belongings there I said “No, that isnt an option. I will more then likely have a fist fight there and I will no accept you placing in in harms way.” The hospital social worker told the person that does the intake that I felt I was “too good” for a shelter. When all I simply asked was not to be placed in a location where I had already had fist fights. It’s not like I have a cold or the damn flu. I am HIV positive and not only will that location not be safe for me, it wasnt safe for the person or persons who might think I am some fagot they can just walk over

I’ve cut myself twice since becoming HIV positive and each time I have freaked out about it, even though I know there is no way I can infect anyone by simply cutting myself. I yelled at the lady who tried to help me clean up the glass I cut myself on when I was carrying bottles down to do the recycling for the house. I simply freaked out about the thought of her coming in contact with my blood and she becoming sick because she was only trying to help me.

The one thing I really noticed today was how I was treated extra carefully, how needles or anything that came into contact with my blood was handled. even though I know it was just added precaution it still made me feel damaged and dirty. It made me feel less then a regular person. It made me feel like people have to be extra careful around me, because I am an “bio-hazard” HIV makes me feel like I am dirty and unclean.

Now I am sitting here with a wide open hole in my mouth and I have my moth tightly closed. Biting down hard to make sure not one drop of blood gets out. Using bleach to clean up everything because one of my roommates already puts paper on the seat, so I know he isnt cool with me being HIV positive no matter how much or how many times he tells me it has nothing to do with me. I know it has everything to do with me.

So not only am I very upset about the fact that I now look like some crack head or someone who doesnt care about my teeth, but I now feel even worse then I already feel about having HIV. Even though I know I am not a crack head and I do care very much about my teeth and I know HIV should have no bearing on how I am treated or looked at, it very much does and it makes me feel like crap, less then, like someone who doesn’t have the right to be here anymore and that isnt a good feeling at all.

However in all of this I will count the many awesome and truly amazing blessings I still have from God and I will be glad in them. I look around blog network that use to only house a blog for me, that now welcomes people and embraces for them for who they are and not for what I wish them to be. I see awesome people loving and embracing each other as God would have us to do. As I look back at where my life once was and where it is now I must smile and be happy because it is far greater, more satisfying, more successful, more about Gods plan and not my own, more rich with the fullness of God and all his might and no longer filled with fancy things that have no real meaning other then to make me look special. As I look at people who are in my life, not because I have a fancy BMW or fancy clothes from high priced department stores, but because of who I am and what I stand for. As I see who stands with me and for me because they see the true me and not something they have hoped for or created for me, I am happy and at peace because God has and is supplying all my needs according to my faith just like he said he would.

As I look back and see all that many say I have lost, I see what God has replaced it with and I see that “fancy” has no place in my life and the “will of God” does. As I see all that I have gone through and will have to go through, I must smile because I see the blessings that have come out of my struggles not for me but for others. As I look back and see all the tears I have shed for things that have happened to me, I see all the good that has happened for others and I am please because this shows me that my suffering and my labor was not and will not ever be in vain.

As I sit in in the worst pain I simply say “ok God, I will go through it, because I know when it is all said and done, others will not have to go through as much because you have allowed me you child to go through it and be a witness of your grace and mercy” As I sit here in pain, feeling shattered I know I am not broken. Although I may be weary, I will press on, shaken, but here I stand as living proof that my God is able to bring and carry me through the worst of times no matter who tries to stand or come against me, as long as I stand and be still I will be just fine.

Ma, use to tell me “to whom much is given, much is required” and in my life God has given me so much and I am blessed because of it. As I look at where my life is now, I am so damn proud of the man I am, the KING that lives in me, the power to move forward and smile as the rain continues to pours down in my life. I will always know that in the end I will always know, trust and believe that I am greater then sickness, I am greater then poverty, I am greater then homelessness, i am greater then cancer, I am greater then Sickle Cell, I am greater then HIV. I can move mountains, I can part angry seas and my life is GOLDEN and worth living because when God created me he created an original. I am special in every way thinkable. I am somebody, even in homelessness I AM somebody, even with HIV I am STILL somebody and my thoughts are powerful, my actions carry a mighty weight, my mind can not only think awesomeness, but I have the power to carry it out and to do it far better then anyone on this planet because I am the child of the most high king and I have found favor in his sight.

Trails in this life will come, and they will even be hard for me to bare at times, they will cause me to stumble and fall, to not feel like I am able to move on, but I stand here today to not because I always do what is right, God knows that I dont. I stand here not because I am so faithful or that I always obey, because I dont. I stand here not because I am so great and always do the things that are pleasing, no not at all. But I stand here today because GOD LOVE ME, from the crown of this head to the sole of my feat, God loves me. He loves me, he thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, even with all my faults and flaws and blemishes he still loves me and calls me his child. No matter how far I go off the path GOD STILL LOVES ME. He loves me and NOBODY can tell me otherwise, so it is with this love that I will continue to stand up, speak out, protest, say no and be a mighty voice for those who are ignored.

I cant speak for nobody else, but I know what God has done for me. So when I find myself in a midnight hour like I am right now, I will only call one name that is above all others, I will call on my wheel in the middle of the wheel and I will come through because I have tried him and I know he is good. So if God does nothing else for me, he has already done more then enough.

People have asked where do I find the courage to keep fighting? Where do I find the will? How do I always seem to smile? Well let me tell you. I find it in Christ who has never let me down, who has never disappointed me, who has never turned his back on me, who is always there when I call. When sickness took over this broke down body my doctor is Christ. When homelessness seeks to destroy me, I find shelter in Christ. When friends walk out, Christ stands right here with me. He is my doctor in a sick room, ,my lawyer in a courtroom. MY ALL, MY WAY MAKER, MY BRIDGE, MY PROTECTOR. Christ is how I get up each and every day, CHRIST is my comforter. Christ is my friend when no one answers their phone. Christ keeps me and I know he will always keep me no matter what.

So when my mountain seems and looks to high, I know God will make a way. The challenges in my life are there to make me strong, so when I look back and see all that I have been through, I am happy for the journey because I know it is all part of my path toward the victory God has for my life.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper. PERIOD!!!!!!

Blogs from 2009 (March)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Operation Give Hope

• Posted by Kengi on March 2, 2009 at 11:30am

Hey everyone

First I want to say thanks so much for all of you who joined in and helping me celebrate the 2 year anniversary of my community work. Your donations were awesome and helped to be major blessings for so many people here in Los Angeles.

So many of you tell me how much I am an inspiration to you and believe me I am so humbled and honored by this. However all that I have been able to do through my foundation and outreach program has only been because God has allowed it to happen. So all praise should go to him for allowing me to inspire you to do what you’ve done.

Can you believe that it is already March? Time went by very fast didn’t it? Well march brings with it the closure of both cold weather shelters here on the west side. As many of you recall my organization was able to be a huge blessing to the 150 to 175 people who are allowed to sleep at the cold weather shelter in West LA and on March 14th the night before the shelter closes it’s doors, I once again am asking for your help to be a blessing to people who are in need.

Here’s what is needed for the outreach to the cold weather shelter in West Los Angeles on Saturday March 14, 2009 at 6:00PM-9:00PM

Gently used clothes and shoes
(all sizes men and women. Jeans were a huge request. Big and tall sizes are welcome as well. Please no dress shoes for this outreach. These people will be back on the street and while your dress shoes may be awesome they aren’t practical for this outreach. Casual clothes and shoes are what’s needed. Please be sure they are clean and free from holes and stains. The goal is to be a blessing and encouragement to homeless people as well as offer some respect and dignity. Clothes and shoes should also be free from pet hair. People have allergies and don’t want to provide anything that will only do harm. Please be mindful of this.)

Warm coats and jackets
The men and women of this shelter will be back on the streets and many wont be able to get into the already over crowded missions and shelters down on skid row or other areas. Many more will not seek help from missions and shelters on skid row for many reasons.

175 Do Something Kits
Details for items inside Do Something Kits are on the website http://www.dosomethingsaturday.org/do-something-kits.php they can be purchased at the 99 cent stores, big lots, K-Mart, Target, Walgreens and other places that have travel size items. Please be sure all items are travel size so they can fit into large zip lock bags. Kits should be assembles and ready to be handed to a homeless person. If you would like to donate items for the kits they must be received by March 12. The best way to do this is to ask friends to help you with the supplies. Use the buddy system DO NOT put yourself out or go overboard. There are enough homeless people here in LA, I don’t want YOU to join them.

Socks
Although socks are part of Do Something Kits as many of you have learned they are GOLD to someone who is homeless. So extra socks are a major help to homeless people.

Rain gear
Rain coats, umbrellas and warm gloves

Food
I am hoping to feed everyone at the shelter including the staff. I am working with my friend Karen from Café Buna and Ana from Qusqo in West LA. If you know places that would be willing to donate FRESH food to feed people please ask them and have them get in touch with me right away. I am also going to ask other local eateries where I think they might be willing to help in this effort.

Volunteers
This is critical. This outreach will need people who can pick up items as well as help out the day of the event. Passing out clothes, serving, set up and take down. We want to be a blessing to homeless people, but we also want to be a blessing to the staff of the Union Rescue Mission. We must not cause any additional work for them while we are there. They already have a huge job and we will not add to it.

Please feel free to call me or email me at any time with any comments and suggestion that are beneficial to this outreach.

It’s time for us to stand in the gap once again and be a huge blessing and encouragement to people who are homeless and dealing with some very hard times.

It can’t stress this enough. If you are volunteering for this even or any other event through my organization you MUST respect the people I am trying to assist. Check all egos and attitude prior to showing up. Homeless people have enough egos and attitudes that they must deal with daily. The guest list for that party is filled and WE will not be on it or a part of it. Please remember and keep in your mind that the people we are serving are not just homeless, they are human, they have feelings and will cry just like you and I would when our feeling are hurt. Please try to imagine that the people we are helping could very easily be one of us. Better yet, keep in mind that I was once one of the people we will be helping, so if you love me, then I ask that you show love to my friends.

Thanks for all the love and support you’ve extended to me. Thanks again for the love, support, and donations you always provide to my organization so that I may be a blessing to those in need.

Blessings
Kengi
kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org
310 593 3430

Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people
“Operation Give Hope”
Homeless outreach to the West Los Angeles Cold Weather Shelter
Saturday March 14, 2009 from 6:00-9:00PM
National Guard Armory of West Los Angeles
1300 Federal Avenue
Los Angeles, California 90025
Contact: KengiKat
310 593 3430
kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org
The outreach is sponsored by The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation

Winter Shelter outreach

• Posted by Kengi on March 4, 2009 at 1:43am

Even though I am very tired right now, I am also in a lot of pain from my Sickle Cell. I also have a lot of things on my mind and lots of work that must get done as well. If I don’t do the work it wont get done. People have said to me. “Kengi you need to slow down and take time of for you. Homeless people will have t wait.”

For me this just isn’t an option and this is because I know first hand what it is like to be let down by people who claim to be helping. I know what it is like to walk the streets all night long and not get sleep for days at a time because someone didn’t feel it was important enough to do something they are paid to do. I know what it is like to have to go without because someone took a long lunch or a extra day off to “relax”

As many of you know last month was the two year anniversary and celebration for my community outreach organization that I started while I was homeless here in Los Angeles for 22 months. One of the weekends during the month long celebration was an outreach to the West Los Angeles Cold Weather Shelter. The shelter sleeps approximately 150 to 175 homeless men and women and is ran by the Union Rescue Mission.

The donations for this outreach came from some pretty cool people from all over Los Angeles, Orange County and even Ventura County. There were also donations from outside of the state as well. Donations even came from as far away as Australia from my friend Justen Carr (No relation)

I kicked off the celebration before February even had a chance to get ushered in with a week long event geared toward feeding homeless people. I was able to feed 210 homeless people that week, using my food stamps that have since been taken away from me because DPSS says my needs are being met because my friends have offered me housing, so I would no longer have to be homeless. Just goes to show you that the system in place is designed to not only fail the people it is supposed to serve but punish them as well for getting help from people and even from saving more the $1500. Save money or have people offer to help you and all of the sudden your needs have been met.

The event at the cold weather shelter was special and powerful to me for many reasons. One being that I use to be a guest there and two I know first hand what it is like to be turned away from there after waiting in the cold, some nights in the rain to get on the bus only to be told there is no more room at the shelter and get turned away. I know what it is like to be sick while staying there. I also know what is it like to get thrown out as well.

I wanted to provide some love and support to a group of homeless people who don’t always get it and deserve it. I wanted to show people that with hard work and a faith in God that all things are possible and they are able to make it through homelessness, just like I have. I also wanted to show them that not only do people talk abut caring, but I know some people who are also willing to show that they care by not just donating items, but there time, love and smiles as well.

I like to call what I do through my outreaches “positive touch” There is enough people and organizations offering negative touch and I didn’t want to be one of those people, nor do I ever want for my organization to ever be known as a “negative touch” organization.

I learned how not to treat, speak to and what not to offer homeless people one because I was homeless and two I ways always and I still am very much involved with speaking directly to homeless people. So I know full well what is needed and why it is needed.

March 15, 2009 both the Culver City and West Los Angeles Winter shelter programs will be closing their doors. In fact all winter shelter programs will be closing and right here in West Los Angeles and Culver City over 300 people will be “homeless on the streets” once again.

March 14, 2009 from 6:00PM until 9:00PM Do Something Saturday will once again spring into action to provide some love and support for homeless people right here in West Los Angeles, but taking items directly to homeless people who need it and not to places that will store or place items in a thrift store to turn a profit.

So much is still needed for this event and your help generous support through donations is greatly appreciated. Please contact me kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org or go online to www.dosomethingsaturday.org to help me help people who are homeless here in Los Angeles.

Thanks for your continued love and support of my program and efforts to be of service to those in need

photos for this blog post were taken by Tiffany Kilgore Peterson

I need an “advocate”

• Posted by Kengi on March 5, 2009 at 10:09am

This week has been going pretty well. I am getting a lot of things done for the outreach to the Cold Weather Shelter for next week, but still donations aren’t coming in and so far I only have three people who say they will volunteer. One who is very unreliable, so the chances of that happening are slim to none and the other two are people I just met. One through the unreliable source and the other through my time on KJLH Radio Station. Both these women I have emailed and yesterday I even got to speak with one of the ladies and WOW, did she bless my spirit with her awesome story that she shared with me.

One of the things that stands out in my mind from KJLH isnt the fact I received so many mean spirited emails, I get those all the time, from people. It isnt the fact that so many have reached out to tell me I am going to hell because I am gay either and things like this don’t get to me as much as they use to. If going to heaven means I will be sitting up with a bunch of twisted, small minded, simpletons such as the people who send such emails and end them with “I will pray for you” then I will gladly go straight to hell. Since I know that hell was created fro people just like them, I will have a great time in heaven.

The things that stand out is an email from a lady named Niambi. Right away the tone of the email was different, even though it started much the same way as all the others with “God bless you.” It quickly moved toward a purpose and meaning and it was received in my spirit. Ma use to say things like “I didn’t receive that in my spirit.” And I now know what this means because there have been plenty of times where my “spirit” will refuse to receive certain things. The email from Niambi was something my “I received”

Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking with her and even though she was working we talked for a while and during out conversation she shared a story with me about someone she knows who is suffering with HIV. She talked about how this person could have died, had they not had family members to be his “advocate” and people praying for him as well. She talked about how there are times when she doesn’t require chill out friends, she needs some “girl let’s pray” friends. My “spirit” was starting to dance because I very much feel the same way. Not only that the emails from people were in my head AND the fact that I still have not gotten a call back from the nurse at my clinic was also weighing heavy on me.

After speaking with Niambi for while about the outreach, situations through my homelessness, HIV care, my program as well ash sharing with each other the goodness and awesome wonder of Christ I felt much better. Not that I was down or anything. But just like she and I needs friends who “pray” and we all do, I also need to hear directly from God and I need to hear it in a way where I cant question.

Let me show you just how good my (OUR) God is. I was blessed to be able to speak at USC. The opportunity was awesome and I know awesome things will come from it for many people including myself.

I wont you to keep the word “advocate” close. OK?

Shammeer was my “advocate” to get my the speaking gig at USC. Through this I will help to students become better “advocates” for the people they will one day serve. Kevin Nash and his show was my “advocate” and allowed someone as broke down as me, to be on his show and become a blessing for one or many of his listeners. Through this I then met Niambi who spoke of the need for “advocacy” and on March 14, for the cold weather outreach to homeless people she will do just that. Be an “advocate”

I’ve asked this question a lot during homelessness and since I have been HIV positive. “Where is the Advocacy for people like me?” Well it comes in many forms, it may not be how I want it, it’s there and it all came to full light through these people.

Wait just a minute now I am not done showing you the goodness. Just hold on. Give me a few more minutes ok? Thank you? I want to show you another “advocate”

You all know that I have been having a very hard time getting in to see my HIV doctor at USC right? Well Niambi talked tome about how people had to be an advocate for someone she knows who could have died, but his people said “NO” what you are offering isnt good enough and not only that, we don’t “receive it” so they pushed harder. Well today because of this “advocacy” her friend is still alive and well. It was also the grace of God that was shining down allowing all these things to occur.

Through speaking at USC I gained some people who I know will be awesome “advocates” they just need to apply it and I know they can and will as long as they keep their “humanity” with them at all times. When you take “humanity” out “advocacy” becomes a pay check and pay checks only benefit “self” “Advocacy” benefits ALL regardless of a “pay check” HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!!

Rachel is a student at USC. I spoke to her class. Well in her I gained a “advocate” for ME. She just happens to intern at the very place where I have had problems seeing my HIV doctor. I talked about how awesome it was to speak at USC and what a blessing it was and will be for others.

Rachel reached out to me and wanted to try to help me. She wanted to be MY “advocate” She took the time to care, not judge or gossip. Gossip doesn’t empower anyone including the people doing it. However “advocacy” does empower all people involved. It is easy to sit back and have conversation that are filled with “gossip” then it is to have conversation filled with “advocacy” (empowerment)

Yesterday her advocacy came full circle. I used the information she gave to me and I called a person at the clinic that I have been trying to get into without success. I spoke with him and he too was willing to be my “advocate” This got me a call from the nursing supervisor who I spoke with over three weeks ago and have left several messages for and they have been ignored……well that might be a bit harsh and unfair. So let’s just day they were “unreturned” and the “advocacy” she assured me she would do on my behalf has never come to pass.

HOWEVER, the “advocacy” of Rachel who came through speaking at USC which came through the “advocacy” of Shammeer is working out in my FAVOR for good.

God says ALL things work together for GOOD. This includes things like 22 months of homelessness, this includes HIV and all the negativity, guilt, hurt and shame that come with both. At the end of the day, GOD will use it all to work for GOOD for people like YOU and I.

Before Christ went to the cross we lived under the LAW of God. It was absolute and there was no deviation. Hey but along came Christ the great “advocate” and now we live under grace, because he paid the price. Some of you wont see where I am going with this, but others are jumping up and down and souls are getting happy and burdens are being lifted. HEEEEEEY!!!!!

Last night I went to my HIV Support group and a guy there said “I need an advocate” I immediately smiled. When he said he was going through some things and he felt out of control and felt like things were becoming just too much. As they get sometimes for people dealing with something like HIV and AIDS. He said “I went to church and I prayed” Again I smile and I wanted to jump out my seat and scream, but I didn’t. However my soul was doing the dance all over the room.

Looking at this man, many would assume that words like “I prayed” would never come from his mouth. I however am not one of those people. I know Christ can be in anyone, so when he said it, my soul began to rejoice. Not because he has faith or that he prays and asks God to help me get through, but because in that very moment I not only heard someone speak it, my soul and spirit “received it”

For me that was God telling me in a today kind of voice. “I AM YOUR ADVOCATE. Now sit yourself down Mr. Kengi and let me make a way out of no way.”

Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. From USC and KJLH, through Shammeer, Niambi and last night in my HIV support group, God spoke directly to me.

“Trust in me, believe in me and I will bring you through this.”

As I looked around the table I saw my “advocates” they are men who encourage me through their testimonies which are powerful and filled with victory. They are preparing me and my soul for what I might one day have to go through as someone living with HIV. They wont get a “pay check” for the “advocacy” they so freely give each week through their testimonies, but they have “empowered” me to keep fighting and being true to myself. They encourage me to remain strong and vigilant in my right to access quality health care for my HIV, they encourage me to keep fighting for the rights of homeless people and stand up to be an “advocate” for them.

Baby sometimes God will bring you out of what you think is good and great. Then he will take you through some things that you think are harmful and destructive, in order to bring you IN to what is really good and great. Through this will find your meaning and your purpose. Success and purpose comes from God. Cant nobody give your life meaning and success quite like he can.

“Money isnt the answer baby. It never has been and it never will be. Some people will never understand this, because they are too focused on obtaining something that will not succeed them. Money and fancy things aren’t success and you must never forget this son. God has already given you success when your father and I gave you life.”

Like Niambi, there are people in my life who are fun and cool to chill with, but there are those people in my life who will take me by the hand and say “Let’s pray” and once we are done praying about it, we then spring into action. Because prayer is awesome, but it requires action. God don’t want folks that just sit and pray and take no action.

CHANGE requires PRAYER
PRAYER requires ACTIONS
ACTION requires ADVOCACY
ADVOCACY supplies EMPOWERMENT
EMPOWERMENT supplies ENCOURAGMENT
All these things require LOVE for something other then SELF

LIVE the DREAM to BE the CHANGE

Access denied

• Posted by Kengi on March 7, 2009 at 4:20am

Friday nearly ended what was another great week for me for me, for a number of reasons. All of which have to do with the fact that I am HIV positive and it has now been 9 months since I’ve been able to get in to see my HIV doctor.

I came to get care from 5p21 (County USC- Medical Center) after being refused treatment from Harbor-UCLA Medical Center. Another county hospital here in Los Angeles.

It seems kind of funny that I am at USC for my HIV care and this is the very first place that I ever came face to face with AIDS and what it does to the patient and all the people involved. I was 19 years old when I drove a long time family friend to see here son Dennis who was sick. I knew he had AIDS, but I have no idea what it was or what he would look like. I just knew he had the gay plague or the gay cancer.

To this day the site of him still haunts me and the thought that this would one day be my fate has also haunted me. As I drove away with his mother in the seat next to me crying the cry that stirs the soul and shakes your core I thought to myself how evil that building (County USC Medical Center or Big General)was and how it needed to be destroyed for causing the hurt and harm that was taking place in the life of the lady next to me. Someone who was very much like a second mother to me.

As I am now dealing with HIV and the fact that medical care for Blacks in this country is really no better then it was in the 80’s and the fact that no one seems to care. Please don’t get me wrong. Yes there have been HUGE advances in care for HIV and AIDS and people are living much longer with HIV then ever before and this is awesome.

However access to care for Blacks hasn’t changed and neither have the barriers to care changed. The CDC report proves this. Since the very beginning Blacks have always been greatly affected by this disease and not much has been done to correct it. So as I now find myself now facing and dealing with the haunting images of someone who my family knew very well as well as the people I know who have died from AIDS even with all these advances in care. I find it hard to believe and swallow that HIV and AIDS isnt a death sentence for Blacks.

I also find it very hard to believe that the main reasons Blacks are being affected by HIV and AIDS so much greater then anyone else has very little to do with “Stigma” and “education” While I am sure, in fact I am very sure that there are Blacks who do not seek out treatment or prevention, just like any other group affected by HIV and AIDS. However I feel the main reason for this is access to care. There is just no other way of looking at this.

My life was once what people would call a successful one. Other then the fact that I have battle Sickle Cell my entire life and Cancer since I was 21 years old and I am now in my 5th battle. Things were pretty good for me. Until running of money and then finding myself homeless for 22 months in a town I grew up in. HIV only added to this dark time in my life and just like homelessness that I came through on my own with very little help from places that are supposed to be doing such wonderful things for homeless peole, not just here in LA, but nation wide. If we simply stop to take off our blinders or take one freaking second to care about things outside our box, we all would notice this. But we are far too busy to do that.

I got side tracked, but it’s been 9 months since I have been able to get an appointment with my HIV doctor. Not that I haven’t tried. I’ve done all that I could do short of breaking the law and knocking someone in the freaking face to get in to see him. I’ve even tried to get into other places as well only to be greeted with long waiting list or a battery of hoops I must jump through several times before I am able to see a doctor.

Did you know that HIV expires and now I don’t mean people have died either, I mean just what I’ve said. HIV expires. Sounds silly doesn’t it. Well mine does. At least according to GR (welfare) See my HIV was entered into the computer as a temporary condition, so I need to be recertified for the disease each and every month.

In addition to this, paper work also expires. Forms like the ones I must fill out with HOPWA (Housing Opportunity for people with AIDS) so this slows up housing for people like me who depend on such services to help turn a derailed life upside right and get it back on track. Forms that verify proof of income expire after a few short weeks, so again they must be filled out over and over and over again. Silly things like this cause problems when accessing health care. Add to this homelessness. We all know how our country views homeless people. We are low life, criminals, crazy people, drunk, druggies, rapist and anything else but humans.

I’ve tried to access health care at the Gay and Lesbian Center, went through the long process of filling out all new paper work all over again, because the things I have from USC were not enough. “we need our own records” Ok so be it. Keep in mind that I am cancer patient, so I must keep on track with chemo and radiation and thee are long periods where I am not even able to walk after treatments.

The appointment to see the doctor at the Gay and Lesbian Center was the very same day of Chemo. I made them fully aware of this. “This is the only appointment we have. Can you reschedule you Chemo for another day? I won’t hurt.” Is what I as asked. I really wanted to ask if I could knock their freaking head into the wall. Maybe that wouldn’t hurt either. However I smile politely, and replied “I know I am homeless and you don’t have as much regard for people like me then you do the gum you just stuck under the desk, but lets try to understand that I am a cancer patient and missing Chemo can hurt. I know this might be hard for you, but lets try very hard ok.”

“Mr. Carr you don’t need to be rude. We are doing you a service. One that you won’t even be paying for. You need to be flexible.”

“Please forgive me. I forgot my place. I will keep the appointment.” I smiled and walked out. Knowing I was not going to skip Chemo only to do more paper work.

I told my cancer team this and they even called only to get a dead end. One doctor was even hung up on. How’s that for access to care.

I spoke with the nursing supervisor at my clinic at USC last month to try to get the issues in seeing my doctor taken care of. I even spoke with my doctor and he said how very sorry he was I was not able to get in and assured me this would not happen again. “The nurse will call you today Mr. Carr.” were his words. She never called. The nursing supervisor also never called back. She never even returned messages that I walked in and left for her.

Yesterday while meeting with my case manger at APLA, I called and tried once again to get an appointment to see my doctor. To my surprise I was not only able to speak with the nursing supervisor but her entire tone was different and she was even apologetic. She set the appointment and I almost got up to do a little victory dance.

Not only did I get the appointment, but I get to see the ONLY doctor where I didn’t feel rushed. The only doctor who shook my hand with no glove, the only doctor who made eye contact with me, the only doctor who took the time to make sure I fully understood what was going on. The only doctor who knows he took an oath to “first do no harm” not first make some money.

The joy of the appointment was short lived when I was told that I could not have the appointment. My case manger knew something was wrong because my face changed and so did my voice.

“Excuse me? What the hell do you mean I can’t have this appointment? You just gave it to me. What is the problem now?”

“Well Mr. Carr you don’t have medical insurance and have medical right?” she asked me

“First of all if I had medical insurance I wouldn’t be in county clinic. I wouldn’t be talking to you. I would not be 9 damn months out of date with my labs because your silly ass nurse cant return my calls and is too damn lazy to schedule a damn appointment.”

“Mr. Carr I am doing the best I can…..”

“Well your best is killing me and I don’t like it. This is my damn life and you don’t take give a damn about me or my care. You and your nurse are the reasons why Blacks are dying in this country because you are barriers to care. You said you would call me over a month ago. Was that you best too?”

“Mr. Carr I am very sorry I didn’t call you back, but the reason I cant give you an appointment is because we don’t have the forms from the AIDS office that we need to have in order for us to get paid. We are out of the forms, so you will have to wait until they come in.”

“Can the treatment educator get the form for you? I am here right now. I can talk to him or his assistant. I need this done.”

So once again, no care for me. No blood work and no idea where I am with my HIV, not because I am not trying, but because I don’t matter

I want to do the AIDS ride because all it represents for me and my life. Sickle Cell, Cancer and homelessness that lasted 22 fucking months, not because I wasn’t trying or that I didn’t care, but because access to service just isnt there and the system is designed to fail, just like clinics and inadequate services for health care from HIV and AIDS is also designed to fail and is failing many people in this country.

HIV and AIDS are the # 1 killers of Blacks in this country. But we are far too busy not seeing color that we don’t see this. We are far too busy with prop 8 and the right to marry that we don’t see our brothers and sisters leaving this planet in alarming numbers. Please don’t get me wrong, we have a aright to marry who we fall in love with. But my right to life should take a front seat to my right to marry. Who is going to marry me when I am dead?

I want to ride because it means my life is worth fighting for. It means that Blacks count. It forces this country to see a formerly homeless man make it through homeless with almost no help. It means a BLACK MAN is willing to risk my fucking life to try to others. It means I am not damaged good and that I FUCKING COUNT. I HAVE A FUCKIN RIGHT TO HEALTH CARE. IT MEANS I MATTER.

I knew going into the AIDS Ride I was up against a lot. Just like living a long life with HIV, I am up against a lot. I was told over 2 years ago that I had 6 to 8 months to live with my cancer. I was told there was nothing more that could be done. I looked them in the eyes and said “KICK ROCKS, my life isnt in your hands. You don’t get the last say and you certainly don’t get to tell me when I am going to die. YOU KICK ROCKS.”

“Sickle Cell will hold him back” or “don’t push him too hard. He wont succeed like most kids” is what doctors told my parents. They were right. I didn’t succeed like most kids. I blew blew their asses out the water. I succeeded far better and much greater then most kids and I am still fucking here.

Just like the only things preventing me from living a great long life with HIV is access to care, the only things stopping me from doing the AIDS Life Cycle is access to funds that I must raise. ALC has been no support to me. I’ve reached out and all I have been offered is “come in and we will show you how to call people” What am I to fuckin stupid to do that on my own?

I cried when I got the email from my cycle rep that funds for HIV and AIDS had been cut and how important it was for me to do all I can to raise this money so there will be no interruption in service for people with HIV and AIDS. I guess she has forgot out three conversations about how I don’t have any service at all. I guess she forgot that the $75 I sued to register was my last, I guess she forgot that I just came through 22 months of homelessness and most of the people I know are still homeless. Just like I’ve refused to allow Sickle Cell to take me out, Just like I refuse to allow cancer to take me out, and just like I refused to allow homelessness to destroy me, break me or take me out. I refuse to die from AIDS.

I wanted to pull out of the ride after I left the ALC office the other day. Not because I fear I wont raise the money. I already knew I may not be able to raise it. Not because it is too hard to train and certainly not because I am afraid to ask people for money. I nearly pulled out of this because people can be so nasty when they are trying to be so fucking PC and nice.

I knew going into this it would not be easy. Hell I didn’t even have a fucking bike. Someone gave me the one I have now. I know I will need a train ticket to SF and I dont have the money to buy one, but I will still train and try my best. I know there is so much that I am lacking for this so called adventure of a life time and I know none of the money raised will not go towards helping me, just like I know that even if I raised $2500 it still would not be enough for me to be part of the AIDS ride.

Just like access to care wont stop me from fighting for care not just for me, but or ALL people, I wont pull out of doing my very best to raise money for ALL people simply because someone is once again telling me “You wont be able to do this.”

Dr. Kings Dream wasn’t about not seeing color. It was about “equality” for colored people. So when we don’t see color we don’t see “equality” for colored people and when we don’t “equality for colored people” Colored people then don’t get access to medical care for things like HIV and AIDS.

When churches parade members who can afford to give $100 and have the choir sing loud and strong and people wave to them and cheer for them because they have $100, does this make them better or some how more worthy then people who only have 10 cents?

Blessings

HIV and AIDS: What can I do? Where do I fit in?

• Posted by Kengi on March 8, 2009 at 10:30pm

I became aware that I am HIV positive on April 3, 2008 and HIV has been very much a nightmare for me, not because I am sick or that I cant get meds. I am not sick and currently not on any HIV meds. However access to care has been rather rough.

I have heard it said by many people that barriers to HIV care do not exist here in California. I have also heard they’re aren’t that many barriers to treatment to care here as well. Well I know first hand that there are some HUGE barriers to care here in California.

I didn’t need the CDC to tell me that Blacks are disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS in this country I would go so far as to say world wide. The reason for this has very little to do with education and stigma. It has everything to do with access to treatment for HIV and AIDS.

Now we all know that there are some people, black has NOTHING to do with it. That will not seek out prevention and care. However I refuse to believe that the reason Blacks are being taken out by HIV and AIDS is because we don’t seek out treatment. The real reason is that we do not have access to treatment. The CDC report proves this. But some of us still don’t see it, because we are too busy not seeing color.

Access to health care in this country is very much separate and unequal between the haves and the have nots. Furthermore access to health care and treatment is far worse for Blacks then their counter parts and for any of us to say otherwise is simply foolish and silly.

It’s been 9 months since I have been able to get in to see my doctor at my clinic at USC. I’ve called, complained and demanded, to no avail. However my speaking opportunity at USC provided me with someone who is an intern at the clinic and she put me in touch with someone who helped to correct this situation.

Last week I spoke with the nursing supervisor. Yes the same woman who was to call me back over a month ago and never did. The same woman who I left messages for and all went unreturned. I was with my case manager when I spoke with her.

She gave me an appointment to co me in and get my blood work take care of. However she later told me this was not possible because the office of AIDS has failed to send her the form that is needed for me to have my blood drawn. In other words, someone at either the clinic or the office of AIDS failed to do their job.

If this form was ONLY for me, then I could see how it might be overlooked and they ran out. However the form is for all patients who are dependant on the State of California to pay for this. This affects most of the patients at the clinic.

I now must call daily to see when the forms come in and hope that someone will return my call to inform me that they have in fact come in and I am now able to have my blood work done and eventually see my doctor. This is a clear barrier to care, so for anyone who says there are no barriers I say, take your head out of your ass.

HIV and AIDS is killing Blacks the way it is, not because of stigma and education or the lack of effort from Blacks to seek out treatment. It is the # 1 killer of Blacks because of the incompetence of medical professionals and their lack of compassion and care for the people they are paid very well to care for. It is because the Gay and Lesbian community s far to busy with Gay Marriage that something like HIV and AIDS killing people must take a back seat.

What the hell is the point of gay marriage if Blacks wont be here to get married? I am in no way saying that people shouldn’t have the right to marry. Please don’t project that into this blog. However what I am saying is that MY LIFE is more important then someone’s right to get married. My life, ALL life is worth more then gay marriage, so our focus should be about LIFE, not the right to marry.

Our government is far too busy with killing other nations and destroying things and people over oil, that they allow this to once again to precedence over my right to life. Drug companies are far to busy with making money then they are with real research to find a cure for HIV and AIDS.

This brings me to the AIDS LIFE CYCLE 8 bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Something I was very much looking to be part of. Something I have been training very hard for. Something some of you have even helped me to raise donations for. So far I have raised $831.00 for the Gay and Lesbian Center through your very kind donations. However I am no longer pledging my support for the AIDS Life Cycle 8 nor the Gay and Lesbian Center.

When we create thing that separate us, there will always be someone, mainly the underclass that are left out and this is wrong. Just like churches who ask people to stand up when they can give $100, they get the special lines and the choirs sing nice and loud and strong and they get paraded around the church for the $100 that they give. But people who can only afford to give 50 cents get no loud singing, no special offering line and no recognition.

The ALC is just that on a much larger scale. I creates a program that separates the haves from the have nots and it looks down upon or eliminates people who don’t measure up to their unreasonable standards.

I have reached out to the ALC several times asking for help in finding ways to raise the funds in order to do this and they have only offered to help me by showing me how to talk to people in the phone.

In addition to the $3000 I must raise, I must also provide my own transportation to San Francisco, I must also find a place to stay for one night. Even if I raise $2600 that will not be enough to be part of the ALC. $3000 because 99 and half wont due. Will they give this money back to my sponsors, since I wont be able to be part of the event? NO, they will glady take it an say “Better luck next time”

I am in no way saying that this isnt a great cause, but I am saying they need to come up with better ways of making sure all that want to be a part are able to do just that. They also need to offer real support with riders like myself.

What about members who raise $10,000 cant that balance the person who doesn’t quite me the $3000? Is what I asked someone at the ALC office.

“No that isnt fare to that rider who has done the work and it creates more work for us having to go in and reapply money to people who cant raise the required $3000.”

As I was talking to the two ladies one was so concerned with the fact that she had something else to do she began to pack right in front of me. “I’m listening I just have to get some place, so I don’t have much time.” In addition to her having to be some place else, the security guard yelled and snapped her fingers at me.

When I left I had such a bad feeling in my spirit. “we are you dong this?” I asked myself out loud. “why the fuck are you wasting your time for something that will never help you with your HIV?” I had tears in my eyes I rode away thinking to myself that once again I have tried to reach out to be part of something within the gay and lesbian community and once again it has left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Once I got back home I was greeted with an email from my cycle rep informing me of all the cuts to care for people with HIV and AIDS and how very important it was for me to work so much hard to raise funds to support the Gay and Lesbian Center so they wont have to interrupt services to anyone.

I had already spoken to this person on the phone about the problems I have had accessing care through the Gay and Lesbian Center and here she was telling me to work my ass off so that others wont have an interruption of service.

Guess what? There is already an interruption is service FOR ME and no one seems to give a fuck. There is a clear interruption is service for BLACKS and again, no one gives a fuck about that either.

545 miles is a lot to ask of someone who isnt getting health care for HIV. My cancer team has been very quick to remind me of this. AIDS service center told me Skid Row was my ONLY option and it wasn’t.

“Kengi, they already don’t help you here with your HIV care, can you trust they will provide care for you while you put your body that is already working overtime battling so much through the stress of 545 miles? Can you trust they will take care of you if you get sick from your Sickle Cell while you are riding?”

Well the answer is “no I cant trust they will take care of me.” and I cant take on the risk of stressing my body out so much that I make myself sick from riding in the ALC bike ride only to come home and be sick.

However I will not allow the ALC or the Gay and Lesbian Center to cause me not to reach out to people living with HIV and AIDS, just like I didn’t allow people and places like Skid Row Housing and AIDS Service Center to defeat me while I was homeless for 22 months. I also will not allow the sour taste to enter my spirit again.

I will reach out to those people living with HIV and AIDS right here in Los Angeles, just as I have already started doing through my community outreach, this blog, facebook and youtube. I will continue to find ways to reach out and be of service to those who are battling HIV and AIDS and the MILLIONS of barriers created by unnecessary red tape and people who stand by and allow it to happen.

I will work with people in my life who respect me and my work and my efforts to be of service no matter how small, insignificant, or backward they might appear to some. I will find ways through my awesome friendships with people like Brian, Tiana, Bart and Danny to reach out to the gay community to be part of things that are “inclusive” and not “exclusive”

I will use my awesome organization and it’s fantastic volunteers to continue to make changes, no matter how small they may seem, they are changes and they are good for ALL, to bridge gaps that separate us, to provide for people who have less and to be a voice for those who don’t have one. I will also use this organization and it’s fantastic, caring, compassionate sponsors, supports and volunteers to create programs and services that are real and mean something to people. Programs and services that inspire, empower, encourage, foster real diversity and embrace all, not just those who can raise funds, but all.

No is like a vitamin. It only makes me stronger and that much more determine to make change happen, not just talk about, but make it happen for all of us. Thanks for my “no” vitamin ALC, I don’t need some bike ride that doesn’t welcome and respect my efforts to show that my life in worth fighting for, nor do I need to bike and raise $3000 in order to feel like I have done something good for people with HIV and AIDS. I do this daily.

Next month just as I said I would I will be launching my new outreach for people living with HIV and AIDS. I am also planning to sponsor a major outreach with art and music as the back drop with the intention to educate people about HIV and AIDS.

Unplugging HIV

Will launch officially next month. It will be the official outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS and will be the sister to the already amazing and successful Do Something Saturday outreach to homeless people.

I am very proud and the organization and the people it has served without red tape, without attitude and without disrespect to the people I serve. I also very proud and honored of the many people who have continue to stand with me to help make this organization what it is today. Through your love and unconditional support we have served the county of Los Angeles, our communities, our world and most of all HUMAITY in the true spirit of brotherhood.

With the launch of Unplugging HIV, this organization will once be of service to people who are dealing with something that can be very harsh, isolating and deadly. This outreach will once again, just like Do Something Saturday, restore dignity, respect and hope to people living with HIV and AIDS.

Thanks so much for your continued support.

Not worth a damn

• Posted by Kengi on March 9, 2009 at 11:30am

Last night I got call from the mother of a friend. His name is Gus and he has died. He lost his battle with AIDS. My heart sank and my soul got very heavy.

When I go the call I was watching my friend Justin’s youtube channel and looking at his video of someone he knew that has also lost their battle with AIDS. I don’t know Justin’s friend, but I did reach out to him and offer him some kind words. Not because I knew this man, but because Justin is my friend and I wanted to let him know that I appreciate him for all he does to raise awareness about HIV and AIDS. I also wanted to somehow be an encouragement to him. Justin is someone I so admire and respect. Through his online HIV Journal I gain my strength and courage to talk more about my battle with HIV even though all I get most of the time are people who say I am just lazy or that there are no barriers to care here in LA. His videos encourage me to keep doing what I do and move forward with the message and task that God has given me to do.

Shortly after seeing his video I got the call and I am not alright. My Soul is heavy and my heart is filled with hurt and pain. I already knew the harsh reality of HIV and AIDS and how it is affecting the Black community here in the United States and world wide. I didn’t need the latest CDC report to inform me that something is drastically wrong and has always been wrong with prevention, treatment and care from HIV and AIDS in the Black community. Just like I don’t need some damn report to tell me that there is a major homeless problem in this nation and this too is affecting Blacks greater then any other group of people. Again this nation stands by and allows this to happen.

There have been some tremendous strides toward helping people live longer lives with HIV and AIDS, there is no doubting that. People are living longer, getting better and living normal lives. However Blacks don’t share in the “long life” reality. HIV and AIDS are the # 1 killers of Blacks in the United States. HIV and AIDS has always ran rapid through my community and very little has been done to change that. In my eyes and I know in the eyes of many Blacks there has been no real change since the 80’s for Blacks when it comes to living with HIV and AIDS.

I will not and I flatly refuse to believe that this is because “stigma” and “education” this does have something to do with it, but access to care is real reason why Blacks are leaving this planet in alarming numbers from HIV and AIDS while the old guard makes huge claims about longer, healthier, more productive lives. But for who? Blacks clearly don’t share in the reality and it isn’t because of “stigma” and “education” It’s because there are huge barriers to care that prevent Blacks from getting treatment. Anyone who says otherwise needs to take their arrogant head out their fucking ass and join me in the reality of this bullshit that Blacks are facing in this country.

When you say crap like there are no barriers or very few barriers or there is no excuse why people aren’t getting care you are ignoring the facts right in front of you. Facts now that the CDC has even had the balls to put in writing. BLACKS are being killed off by HIV and AIDS and your saying things like there is no excuse and there are no barriers or there a few barriers are very much part of the major problem. YOU and this thinking is a clear barrier.

We need to change our conversations, we need to remove the “lie” and the “stigma” as well as the lack of “education” and the flat out “arrogance” of people who send out into the universe that there are “no barriers” because this is bullshit and when you send out this bullshit it helps to create more barriers and far less care for the people who need it most. BLACKS.

Death is very much the reality of Blacks living with HIV and AIDS. I don’t like to think about it, but the fact of the matter is this I might very well die from my HIV developing into AIDS simply because I am Black and I do not have access to medical care.

I don’t give a damn who you are, how long you’ve worked in the field of HIV and AIDS or what you think you know about ME and how I take care of my health. Nobody loves me more then me. Nobody fights for me and my right to medical care like me. Not the Gay and Lesbian Center, certainly not the AIDS Service Center and not APLA. I fight hard DAILY to get HIV care, so don’t fucking take the position that I am lazy and I don’t not care, that is not only dead wrong it is insulting and don’t fucking call your sorry ass my fucking friend.

My friends has seen my battle with Sickle Cell, with Cancer, with Homeless and now with HIV and they will tell you that jut as hard as I fight for the rights of homeless people and those battling HIV and AIDS I fight just as hard for myself, because my life means something to ME. My life has value to ME.

My friends know first hand how hard I fight, they have seen with their own eyes how many times I have been turned away and placed on waiting list and how I get the answer. “we’ll call you back Mr. Carr.”

My friend will tell you how many fucking times I break down and ball because I feel like I have reached a brick wall when it comes to care for my HIV. Hospitals like Harbor UCLA, people like Scott from AIDS SERVICE CENTER, punks like Earvin Munroe from Skid Row Housing Corp and people that make comments like there are no barriers to care are very much part of the fucking barriers to health care for BLACKS.

This is the # 1 reason why Blacks are being MURDERED in this country and world wide, There just is no other way to look at it. Yes you can live a long life with HIV and YES there have been major advances in fighting HIV and AIDS, but NO Blacks aren’t living longer, NO there is been no change in the care for BLACKS with HIV and AIDS.

Please don’t attempt to show me Blacks that are living longer. I never sad there aren’t any Blacks living longer with HIV and AIDS, but the facts remain, BLACKS are dying far quicker then anyone else from HIV and AIDS. PERIOD.

My friend just died not because of “stigma” and “education” but because he had no access to care. I will die from my HIV developing into AIDS because the State of California says I must be sicker before they will help me. Not just sicker, I must have an AIDS diagnoses before I qualify for medical care and even then there is no guarantee I will get better from the drugs they will give me for AIDS. They just guarantee no care right now. The State of California is a barrier to care and they even flat out deny care to HIV patients until they are damn near death. Who depends on this system the most? Poor people and Blacks.

HIV and AIDS is the # 1 killer of Blacks and the State of California as well as any state with laws that insist you must be sicker before we help, any one who says there are no barriers to care, any hospital or agency that stand in the way to care aren’t just barriers, they are the assassins.

Most will read this blog and say. “he is just angry” Well I have every fucking right to be angry and the sad things is that you don’t see or feel that I have the right to be angry because my life and the life of BLACKS aren’t worthy enough for you get angry about. The fact that HIV and AIDS is KILLING BLACKS OFF in large numbers isnt worth your time. However bullshit like the right to marry is worth your time. You can get angry about that right? You can call and fight and bitch and moan about this right?

Where is your anger for BLACKS? Where is your outrage for BLACKS? Where is your marches that block city streets and disruption of lives for BLACKS? Where is the advocacy for BLACKS? Where are the ALC rides for BLACKS?

Where is the outrage for Gus and is family? When I die from AIDS where will be the outrage and anger for ME?

My heart is so heavy and my soul is so hurt. Because my life isnt worth a damn neither are the lives of Blacks who are being killed off by HIV and AIDS.

KICK ROCKS!!!!!!!!

HOLD ON…….There’s nothing that you cant do

• Posted by Kengi on March 10, 2009 at 12:30am

I guess you can say that I took for granted that my folks would always be around. They are the only people I could always depend on no matter what. They were always there. Good times and bad through the sunshine and through the storms. I have had my share of storms in my life. All of them have been medical storms. But through all of them my parents have been right there every step of the way.

As a kid I had my Grandparents and even my Great Grandparents. I had cousins to laugh with and to keep me company. I’ve been blessed to have some amazing friends like Karen, Jason, Adrain, Deana, Tasha and a few others. I was later blessed to have a boyfriend of 15 years and to this day we are still the best of friends. He was one of the first at my hospital bed when I found out I was HIV positive. He checks on me all the time.

I have plenty of new people in my life and I love all of them, but my parents were not just my parents, they were my friends. I could ask them anything at anytime, I could call them at anytime and they would answer. The would drop everything to come see about me. I have two people in my life who I know would drop everything to come see about me.

Tina and Andy are very much my best friends and my family. I can break down in front of them and they wont judge me. I can have bad days and say and do stupid things and they wont take their friendships, love and trust away. They wont kick me out and they haven’t ever disappointed me. Primarily because they aren’t afraid to say “Kengi we cant do that.” They don’t say “Yes we can” when they know they cant

It takes me a very long time to reach out and trust people since my parents are gone. In the past when I have done this I end up getting hurt and it’s just not ok. It’s not ok to say you’re my friend and always let me down. That’s just not cool and to be honest, it is downright insulting and disrespectful.

Be of your word. Follow through. Don’t say things because you think they will make me feel better or make you look good. In the end they only serve to make me not want to be around you not because you are a bad person, but because you aren’t present.

Last night I got the call that my friend died from AIDS. Today I was once again told that I do my appointment to have my blood work done was going to be changed again. Not only would it be changed, but I was also told that I might be diabetic. As if I don’t have enough to stress out about with not being able to get HIV care and having no idea where I am or how I am doing with HIV, now I might be diabetic and this is something that has been in my chart for sometime. 11 damn months it’s been in my chart. How the hell do you forget to mention this to me?

I tried very hard to stay busy and dig in, but I needed to reach out. I needed people who said that they would be there for me. “just call me and I will be there” Well I did call. I called 7 people and all 7 said yes. All 7 knew what I was going through I even broke down with 4 of them. All 7 flaked. All 7 were no shows. All 7 blew me off. If I were to do that to them, they would never speak to me again.

I even reached out to my case manager and to the AIDS educator. No return phone calls for them as well. I know they have other things to do and other clients. I know I am not the only person going through things.

I talked to Andy for a minute and told him what was going on. I know he would have worked out something for me. Even if it meant calling Tina at work. They would have worked something out for me. But I told him I would be fine because I was going to hang out with a friend. Well the friend was the 7th person to let me down.

Since I no longer have my parents here and I don’t want to always depend on Tina and Andy and my friend Karen is going through things as well and I wont trouble her with my problems, Christina is in Cleveland caring for her mother who is sick, so I turned to what has ever let me down. I grabbed my camera and went out to take pictures.

Before I left I called on one more friend. One more person who has never let me down. Someone who has been my way maker, my comforter, my peace giver, my strong tower, my rock, my shield, my shelter in the time of storm, my doctor when I am sick, my only friend when others cant be found. I prayed and begged my friend to give me some peace and just like he has done in the past and like he will always do, he sent peace for me troubled soul.

“I am right here in the middle Louis, so don’t you worry and don’t you fret. I am right here in the middle of it all.”

As I got ready to leave I started to smile, because the song that came to mind was “as long as I got King Jesus, I don’t need no body else.”

I took the bus down to the beach and I took pictures until my batteries died. While walking back to the bus stop on Wilshire this homeless man name Seth called out my name.

“Kengi”

I turned and say who is was and said “Hey Seth how are you my friend.”

“Oh I am ok I guess. I know your busy, but I wanted you to have this.” He held out his hand and offered me his Oreo cookies. Now I love me some Oreo Cookies ya’ll. Bit I didn’t take his cookies.

“Seth, those are for you man. I cant take your Oreos.” I said

“Oh yes you can. You always giving me things like socks and soaps and lotions and you always got food for me. Now I want to give these to you.” He pushed them toward me again.

I took him by both his hands and said “Thanks Seth, but I have cookies at home. You keep these for yourself ok. Don’t forget I will be at the shelter on Saturday with my friends. I know you don’t like to go there, but we will have some cool things to pass out ok.”

“Ok I will keep the cookies. But I wont be at that shelter. I don’t like it there.”

“That’s cool, you know I respect that. I will hold a kit for you. Will that work?”

“You too good to us man, go on home before you get cold out here. You know you aint well. It’s cold now go on home.”

Looking into Seth’s eyes I noticed they were glassed over. “You ok Seth?”

“Yeah, I am fine. I see you later ok Kengi?”

Seth is in his mid to late 60’s, his wife died three years ago and he has been homeless ever since. He use to tell me she was on vacation, back in October he told me she was dead. He told me how he could count on her and she on him. Looking in his eyes tonight I know he must miss her about as much as I miss my parents

Seth counts on me. When I tell him I will do something I make sure it is done. Just like I do with all my homeless friends. Too many times homeless people are let down by people and I wont be one of who lets Seth down. I told him he would have a Do Something Kit and that’s just what he will have. More if I can get donations.

Why cant people just be of their word?

When I got on the 720 to head home another song came into my head. “HOLD ON” by Yolanda Adams. It’s the song that plays on Project KengiKat.

You’ve got dreams and
You’ve got goals
There’s a vision burning down in your soul
HOLD ON
There’s nothing that you can’t do

You gotta be driven
Motivated too
Stir up the gift
That God has placed in you
HOLD ON
The future’s looking bright for you

No matter how hard it seems
Never give up
Always believe
And HOLD ON
Hold on to your dreams

Considering Homeless Individauls

• Posted by Kengi on March 10, 2009 at 1:00pm

Photographer: Tiffany Kilgore Petterson

I was homeless for 22 months here in Los Angeles. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I learned a lot about how people are and how the current system in place is failing and to be honest has failed since day one. I don’t know this because I read it some place or heard my friends talking about it. I know it because I was raised to be aware of issues such as homelessness and for 22 months I was homeless.

Last month as part of the 2 year Anniversary of my organization, my Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people outreach was able to be of service to the 175 men and women who sleep in the West LA Winter/Cold Weather Shelter here in Los Angeles.

We took clean gently used clothes, socks, blankets and cookies as well as shoes and hygiene items, along with toilet paper, tooth brushes and tooth paste. My friend Tiffany and I even baked cookies for the event. It was so awesome to be able to do for people who are in need and some I even call my friends. Many of the people we supported are people I know very well because they were homeless while I was. They were also very kind, considerate and even provided support for me. So it was and is a huge honor for me to be able to return the love, support and friendship to them.

Photographer: Tiffany Kilgore Petterson

As we were leaving the Armory I saw the look in some of the eyes of the people I know. I know the look very well, because it was a look I use to have when I saw people about to leave a place where I was going to sleep for the night. It wasn’t a very good feeling for me to see that look in the eyes of someone I care about, nor is it a good look to see in the eyes of any human.

Once in the parking lot, we gathered in the circle and I lead my group of volunteers in prayer. Good thoughts and warm, fuzzy feelings are awesome, but prayer is key, because prayer changes things. As I prayed I began to cry a bit because I was thinking of my friends still in that building and I recalled how I felt for me when I was in there. I thought of the group of volunteers who had just taken time out from their Saturday night. All of them are my friends, and how what they just did simply because I asked them to would have a lasting affect in the life of people who have far less.

Photographer: Tiffany Kilgore Peterson

Regardless of what you may think, what you have read, what feeling and opinions you may have about someone who is homeless, please consider that a homeless individual represent HUMAN LIFE and for that reason alone they deserve dignity and respect. The same dignity and respect we give our families, friends and loved ones.

Consider the homeless person you walk past, curse at, yell and scream at, make fun of and even mistreat and abuse could be someone you once knew, someone you once loved and cared about. Consider that homeless individual to be YOU. When you take all of this into consideration, most importantly the part where this individual could be YOU, ask yourself this.

“How would I want to be spoken to?”

“How would I want to be treated?”

“Would I want dirty clothes that no one else wants?”

“Would I want spoiled food?”

Homelessness is every place we look in this country and it is growing each and every day at an alarming number in ever big city and small town. The time for talking about doing something is over. The time for CHANGE is now and CHANGE requires work from all of us.

This weekend my organization, Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers along with myself and volunteers will once again stand in the gap for those in need at the West Los Angeles Winter/Cold Weather Shelter program which will be closing on Sunday March 15, 2009 until next winter. The West LA Shelter Sleeps up to 175 men and women.

If you would like to donate gently used (CLEAN) clothes, shoes, warm bankets, sleeping bags or items for Do Something Kits http://www.dosomethingsaturday.org/do-something-kits.php please contact me today to arrange to drop off your donations.

The event takes place this weekend Saturday, March 14 at 6:00PM in West Los Angeles at the shelter. Please contact me to donate or volunteer. Space for volunteers is limited, so please do not just show up.

All donations should be respectful and kind, as they are going to people who are already dealing with so much. We do not want to add in any way to their suffering.

Please email me kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org or contact me through www.projectkengikat.ning.com or on facebook (KengiKat Carr)

According to 211 LA Country there are 15 to 20 Winter/Cold Weather Shelters here in Los Angeles County. They sleep about 125 men and women each night. ALL 15 to 20 programs will close until next season leaving many people homeless on the streets.

Please help me help others. Donations for the West Los Angeles location is still being accepted and are greatly needed. Please contact me today to arrange for your donations of gently used (CLEAN) items for people who are homeless.

Items for my homeless outreach are always needed. Homelessness hasn’t gone away after we finish volunteering on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Homeless stands in front of us with signs that say “I am hungry” and “can you help me get clean clothes?”

On any given night there are more then 700,000 homeless individuals in this country. They are former friends, current family members, our sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, grand parents and parents. They are human and their life is worthy of dignity and respect.

Some people really get to me

• Posted by Kengi on March 12, 2009 at 3:38am

There are times when I allow people to get to me so bad that they cause me to stress and when I do this my Sickle Cell really acts up.

Ma, told me a few times to watch who I let get next to me. Nana would say “see what happens when fancy folks get next to ya. They leave a mess when they go away, because you were foolish enough to fall for the fancy shit in the first place”

I dont want to learn not to let people get close, ,but I need to see some people for who they really are. Especially when they show me their agenda right from the start.

I am in a little bit more pain then I am use to. But it will pass and I am happy that spirit has been removed.

Shyron, thanks very much for talking to me so late tonight. LOL or should I say so early this morning. You helped to keep me calm and to relax and not let tis upset me so much. The laughs and sweet talk really helped. It’s a true blessing to have you in my life.

The power to create. “Unpluggin HIV”

• Posted by Kengi on March 12, 2009 at 12:21pm

Having HIV has taught me many awesome things about myself. well I guess I should say it has put me back in touch with so many awesome things about myself.

The main thing is that I have relearned just how powerful and creative I really am. Even without all the money I once had and all the fancy things that come from having money.

Just like homelessness forced me reach deep within myself to fight not just for me, but for others who will not fight themselves and create things that will serve to empower, inspire and restore dignity as well as respect to people who are homeless by simply acknowledging that they exist and then doing my best to address basic needs. Needs that most of us take for granted each and every day.

HIV has too taught me to once again reach down deep and hold on. Never give up hope and never allow that which is only going to make me stronger and better destroy me. Please don’t get me wrong. I could have done without the lesson of HIV, all of us could have done without it. However since I am in it, I don’t have to be of it.

I’ve had a ton of barriers with HIV. The most difficult has been getting my head to understand that I am “sick” but not “sick enough” Getting my head to understand I am “sick” but I need to be “sicker” for the State of California to help me. I don’t know how things are in other states, but I would assume our government and the people ho run it and come up with idiot laws is just like SAE Fraternity Inc, Same Assholes Everywhere.

Here I must have an AIDS diagnoses before I am able to qualify for medical coverage from the State. So my government says they want to stop HIV and AIDS, but wont assist in it until a person is “SICKER”. Simply having HIV isn’t enough.

The second most difficult are the barriers to care. Anyone who claims there are no barriers or that they are minimal is part of the SAE Fraternity. Take your head out your butt and join me and millions others in reality please.

HIV has showed me something that has been right in front of me the entire time, but since it wasn’t affecting me I wasn’t doing much about it. Just like homeless. Since it wasn’t affecting me I wasn’t doing much about it. That isnt to say I didn’t care or didn’t volunteer my time or give a donation. What it is saying is this. Now that I see things for how they really are, I must work harder to make things right for people. Not just me, but for all people who might have to go through homelessness or for those who might have to deal first hand with HIV and AIDS by becoming both infected and affected by both HIV and AIDS.

I small kid asked his parents just the other day right in front of me “Arent HIV and AIDS the same?” I looked at him and then at his parents and waited for their answer.

“What make you ask such a silly question?” His mother replied.

“He’s always asking questions.” His father smiled to me and the lady behind me.

“Well are you going to answer him?” the lady behind me smiled back.

The mother clearly either had no answer or she wasn’t allowed to speak with the husband was because her lips remained closed. The small boy asked again. This time saying “Mom” and she replied. “Dear it really doesn’t matter, it wont ever be something you will have to deal with in your lifetime.”

I laughed out loud and she lady behind me said “Fucking classic. Did I just hear what I think I heard?” I laughed even harder.

“Excuse me” the mother snapped at me. “I don’t see a damn thing funny here about his question. It’s important that he ask questions like this. So please tell me what is so damn funny.”

I continued laughing at her, even looking at the father and laughing as well. The lady behind me and even the checker laughed. Soon the little boy joined in.

“If you spent less time laughing at a small child and more time acting like adults this would be a much better place.” The mother barked at us.

“HIV and AIDS are the same son.” The father finally chimed in and this is where the laughter stopped.

“HIV and AIDS are not the same Jr.” the checker said.

“Excuse me” the mother said to the checker. “It’s bad enough that you laugh at my child now you call him Jr.? Get your manager over here.”

By this time people from other lines where supplying the young mind with the answers he needed. Each time an answer came he would look up at his parents and they had a dumb look on their face.

“Can you live a long time with HIV or AIDS?” I said out loud. The lady behind me said “Yes, with proper care both HIV and AIDS can be treated and people can live a fairly normal life.”

“Most time many people who have HIV and AIDS go to things like support groups, or they start programs to help educate hungry minds such as yours with true information so that you can better understand the way things really are.”

While the parents were far too busy complaining about the checker and what he had said, the small boy kept asking questions and people were more then happy to supply his hungry mind with answers. Even someone who doesn’t believe HIV is real supplied him with information. Information that was quickly rejected and batted away like someone trying to bum rum basket while Shaq is standing right under the rim smack in front of them. The person even tried to hand the information to the kid. This is when I reached into my backpack and gave them kid all the little info packs I had just got from my case manager but hadn’t the time to remove them from my backpack. Praise God for that. Because now the kid had truth right in front of him

As his parents walked away he reached out his little hand and said “Thank you for the books.” He then looked at the lady behind me and said “Thank you too”

“Do you want to keep all those books?” I asked

“Well not this one.” He took the information that the other gentleman handed him and handed it to me. I then ripped it and asked the checker to throw it in the garbage where it belongs.

We each had a great laugh at the parents, but at least the child with the hungry mind would be better able to come up with not just good questions, but the correct answers.

As I walked home from Whole Foods I thought to myself and tried to come up with way I could be a positive impact on HIV and AIDS daily. Once home I called a friend and asked if she would help me feed men and women at an HIV clinic at least once a month. She said Yes. I also ran an idea by one of the social work students I just spoke wit at USC. She thought the idea was good and encouraged me to move ahead with it.

I then thought of the people who I knew would support me in the AIDS Life Cycle and asked them if they would consider helping me in assisting my friends family with his funeral. So far of the 20 people I sent the email to, 15 people have stepped forward and Gus will not only have a awesome home going celebration. His family also has a little extra to help them get through this as well.

In addition I was able to get two local restaurants to provide free meals to the family for one month as a way to ease some the pain they are now going through.

Once again I took something that could have been very negative and forced me to walk away with a sour taste in my mouth and cause me not to ever want to reach out to participate within the Gay and Lesbian community and turned it into something good and empowering for others.

I once again allowed my anger and disgust for people and organization who are disrespectful and not considerate of ALL efforts to fuel my mission to help people who are in need right NOW. I found a way to help someone right now.

Next month I will launch a new area of outreach through my organization that will serve people who have HIV and AIDS. It’s always bee part of my mission to help people in need and in August I did my first outreach specifically to men with HIV and AIDS and I have done three such outreaches since then including last month as part of the 2 year celebration of my organization by providing 31 Do Something Kits (www.dosomethingsaturday.org) to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES that went to people who need help with basic items.

April 3, 2009 will mark one year that I have been HIV positive and it will also kick out an outreach especially for people living with HIV and AIDS. I have plans to create a health fair with art and music as the backdrop with prevention, testing and care at the forefront later this year. In fact I have already been working on it for about three months now.

It’s very cool to have been sent a message from Rob (the creator of this network) on ning network creators and later to see that he has this site. When I saw the name I smiled really big and later I joined.

April 3, 2009 I will launch Unpluggin HIV ~ positive living as the sister outreach to Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people. The program will offer “Life Kits” very similar to my Do Something Kits, but with information on HIV and AIDS as well as condoms packs with lube to people at three location here in Los Angeles.

AIDS Project Los Angeles ~ Los Angeles

Common Grounds ~ Santa Monica

Being Alive ~ West Hollywood

The goal is to provide 50 Life Kits to each organization and continue to do so each month in addition to finding was to encourage people to get tested, seek out treatment and live the full “abundant” live God wants for us all.

The section on my website is already up and the event date and details will post by next week.

www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Operation Give Hope

• Posted by Kengi on March 16, 2009 at 3:30pm

Sunday March 15, 2009 all 20 Cold/Winter Weather Shelters closed here in Los Angeles County, leaving over 2500 homeless people homeless on the streets. Did anyone see this on the evening? No, none of us did, because it went unreported. I guess this is all part of the “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” approach to helping people who are homeless in this country. Or is this the “tough love” approach? However you look at homelessness and the PEOPLE it affects, the bottom line is that they are PEOPLE. Humans who are suffering for one reason or another.

Here on the Westside of Los Angeles there are two Cold/Winter Weather Shelter programs serving some 470. West Los Angeles Armory and the Culver City Armory. These too are now closed forcing homeless people back onto the streets.

I stayed in both these shelters when I was homeless and it was no picnic. The staff was rude, the military was violent and abusive. I recall one encounter where the sergeant at the Culver City Armory flipped an older Latino on his back and causing him to strike his head to the ground. If the man hit his head any harder it would have split open like a melon hitting the ground. Culver City was also the place where the lady I use to call “Mama” was socked in her chest by another service man. (link for the video of her talking about what had happened is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqrpcbuk3×0

Last month as part of the month long 2 Year Anniversary of the creation of my organization I reserved a weekend to be of service to the men and women who sleep at the West Los Angeles location. The shelter can sleep up to 175 people. The event was a complete success thanks in HUGE part to the many people who donated items in order to make it happen in the first place. Too, the volunteers who came out to support it were also instrumental in this effort and I am so honored and blessed by their effort to stand in the gap for people who are homeless. I called the outreach “Operation Give Hope”

Saturday, March 14, 2009 at 6:00PM “Operation Give Hope” took place for the second time at the West Los Angeles shelter location. However while this was the night of the outreach, then event itself took weeks to plan and make happen and once again it was the donations and volunteers who made all this possible and I am so happy and blessed by all that took the time to do what they have for the homeless people I try my best to serve.

Donations came from all over Los Angeles County and even from Northern California as well. Support actually came from across the country from some pretty cool people that love and respect my mission and fully understand what it is I am trying to do. I was so excited and thrilled when donation once again came in from different countries as well.

Together with the support from the team of amazing volunteers “Operation Give Hope” once again did just that. It gave hope, love, encouragement, support and the spirit humanity and respect to people who go without. For this I am so honored and proud.

My crew for this event was a awesome Niambi who heard me on KJLH Radio came through just like I knew she would, Tina and Andy also came to support as well and once again my buddy Eric also showed up to help out.

The experience was very cool, I did my best to try to keep things light and funny while I talked with and shared conversations with people. I was able to speak with some many people this time around, because the atmosphere seemed a little more relaxed and calm.
The conversations I had with people were very much along the lines of what they were going to do and where they were going to get support and more importantly where they would be sleeping.

I had the opportunity to share one of one with a gentleman who had been talking with Niambi for sometime and she later introduced him to me. I was able to share my own story with homelessness with him. I encouraged him to hold on and let this dark time in his life cause him to not believe in himself. Just the chance to speak with him and be an encouragement to him was so awesome and such a huge blessing for me to be able to do.

The people who came through the line were very respectful and kind. I did ask them in the very beginning to please make certain they were kind and respectful to my friends just like I had already asked my friends to be kind and respectful to them.

I had the chance to see so many people that I use to know from my 22 months of homelessness. I heard sad stories from a few women who were worried about what would happen once the shelter closed and what they were going to do, but in all the overall outlook of the people I spoke to was very hopeful and optimistic and this was encouraging to me.

Once we finished handing out the clothes and cleared the tables, Eric and I joined the rest of our crew in the kitchen with a woman named sister. She was awesome. She really reminded me of an Aunt I use to have a long time ago. She was Queen in the kitchen and she needed no help from me. She had my team all set with their jobs and they performed them very well.

I was able to make some pasta to add to the meal that was in place and I was so happy I did this because just like I said and knew would happen the one volunteer who said they would show up, didn’t and another who said they would bake cookies also backed out because she allowed her EGO to get in the way and what the bottom line was. HELPING PEOPLE, not recognition for her friends who are all “practically Buddhist” and “hard working humanitarians”

Ya’ll remember my Nana and what she said about “Fancy People” and their “Fancy Pants” and all that goes along with it right? Well she also use to say “One monkey don’t stop no show” too and she is right. The event went on just as planned and it did exactly what I planned for it to do. “GIVE HOPE”

My night ended talking for long time with a new volunteer to my organization. Her name is Niambi and she was someone who listened in while I was on the Kevin Nash radio show. I also mentioned her in at least one other blog entry besides this one. She and I shared talked and shared about the event and she told me what she learned by not just volunteering but she is also someone who put together so amazing Do Something Kits as well. It was so awesome to have the time to get to share with her, hear what she thought and then the time to laugh and get to know each other. She is someone I hope will get involved with my organization again in the future.

In all the event was simply awesome and I am so glad it was. So much was working against it, but in the end, God always has the final say and there is nothing anyone can say or do to come stand in the way or prevent it from taking place.

I want to express my deepest appreciate and heartfelt thanks and highest regard for all who have donated to this outreach. Your donations help to restore dignity and respect to homeless people. Your donations send a clear message that people who are homeless really do matter to people and not only do they matter, but people like you are willing to stand up, step forward and step out to make things happen for people who have less. Your act of humanity makes you a true humanitarian who acts because it is the right thing to do and not because your ego needs stroking. Your donations proves to me that what my parents told me a very long time ago is true, they demonstrate all that I saw on the National Mall for the inauguration of not just the first BLACK leader of this country, but the DREAM of Dr. King finally reaching the steps of our nations capital which is now helping to speed up the day when we all can sing “free at last” Your donations represent all the good in this world. All the good my parents told me to always remember is right here with me. The good that I never lost sight of while I was homeless for 22 months.

To my amazing volunteers, I once again want to say thanks so much for “being of your word” and following through on what you said you would do. That speaks volumes to the type of HUMAN you truly are. Thanks so much for spending your Saturday night helping me and my organization be of service to homeless people.

Thanks for helping me to restore respect and dignity to people who have far less. I watched as each of you took the time talk, smile and offer support to people in need. I looked on as each of you made a point to treat each and ever person with such high respect and regard just like you have offered to me. I am so honored to have once again seen the good in this world through people who have come to volunteer for the right reasons for my efforts to be of service through the spirit of caring for humanity. Not because we are “practically Buddhist” or such “hard working humanitarians” but because we are HUMAN and we CARE.

Over 2500 people are now once again homeless on the streets of Los Angeles County adding to the already terrible conditions and horrible strain on a homeless service system that isn’t doing such a great job. As part of the CHANGE, I encourage each of us to get involved and LIVE the DREAM to BE the CHANGE.

In close I would be remiss if I didnt take the time to thank Andy Bales for once again giving me the opportunity to allow my friends to “be of service” to people who are in need. I would also like to thank the incredible staff and crew of the shelter who worked so hard to offer love, support and respect to people who are homeless and in need.

We should also make a clear note of the fact that the people who served in these shelters are now out of work and could may be about the face the very same things they were providing service for. I heard a worker talking with Andy Bales and she explained how she told the men and women that “We are in this together……we are family.” She went on to say how the men and women who are homeless were bringing her applications to help her find work once this job ended.

Talk about being “hard working humanitarians”, well it doesnt get anymore hard working then this and it has nothing to do with being “practically Buddhist” either. It has everything to do with being “human” and taking the time to care about someone for no other reason other then it’s the right thing to do.

Thanks so much for making this event a complete success.

(All pictures were taken by KengiKat)
(MAGIC: video of the preparation and event will post later today)

You inspire me

• Posted by Kengi on March 18, 2009 at 11:28pm

This weekend was an emotional one for me. As many of you know I had my outreach to the West Los Angeles Cold/Winter Weather Shelter program that closed this past Sunday leaving over 2500 people stranded with no housing.

This awakened some old memories for me. I was once a guest of this program when it was ran by Volunteers of America. For those who have read my blog for sometime now, then you know full well the awful time I had there. I was allergic to the blankets provided and the food was anything but palatable. The staff was rude, aggressive and many times the very cause of all the problems and fights that took place there. The military was no exception to this rule, they too were huge part of the problems that many homeless people had no choice but to deal with.

There were nights I would simply try to find shelter in the rain rather then deal with the crap that took place in there. In fact many homeless people felt the very same way and to this very day, still will not seek shelter from such places.

I saddens my soul to think that people, especially women feel they are safer on the streets then going into a shelter. It also saddens me when I think of the times I ate from a trash can because the food was better, then what I would be served inside the shelter.

I was very happy to see that conditions have changed a great deal, however they are still very unacceptable and we can do far more to help support people, but with the way America currently views homeless people and the fact that our media also plays key roles in the the demise of people who are homeless really doesn’t surprise me when I hear people I know, who know what I do and how hard I have worked to change the negative outlook and attitude toward homeless people, still say things like. “They all are just lazy and crazy” I still have people donating dirty clothes and acting as if this is ok.

People have asked me, mostly social workers and so called enlightened people, “If you could do it all over again would you change anything.” The answer is and always will be no. Everyday I have very different reasons why the answer is still “No, I would do it all over again.”

Some people are never going to understand my answer to this question, just like they dont understand why I still do what I have done to try to reach out and help. People don’t understand that is is not ok to for me to walk away simply because I am no longer homeless. People don’t get that my word means something and I will not go back on it. People have said. “Oh Kengi, just rest today, it’s not that important”

Well human life is very important and it may not mean a damn thing to you, but when I say I am going to sow up with food, I make sure I do it. When I say I will be there at 10:00AM, I make certain that I am there. I do this because this is how I was raised. “Be of your word” It isn’t something that I can learn from some class or seminar. Integrity isn’t something you slide in and out of like socks or underwear. It isn’t something you have to announce to people either. Your actions show your integrity. Your life bares the fruit of it.

The other reasons I do this is because I know what it is like to stand in the rain, dark of night and even sit in the office of some service agency waiting only never to get what I was told would happen or what would be there for me. I know what it is like to have people say things like. “I have a sleeping bag for you.” and then have their cat get sick and they cant show up. That isn’t cool.

So for me it is about respect and being of my word. It’s honoring the way I was raised. So in essence it is honoring my life and love of my parents. Again most people wont get this either because they have no regard for the people who gave them life.

So the closure of the shelter program was hard for me and when I see people that I know used the West LA and Culver City Shelters now walking the streets or sleeping on the in dark spaces, my heart breaks for them, because this is the United States of America and this isn’t supposed to happen here, but I have learned a long time ago that people have this “that doesn’t affect me” approach to helping people.

I haven’t know Eric Angel very long. In fact I dont even think it is more then five months. I met him and his girlfriend Willow at a party my friend Ryan and Monia threw before Ryan was to leave for his ministry in the Philippines. Eric and Willow came with donations for my outreach, because Ryan and Moina asked their guests to support it. Many of them did and I am so thankful to them for doing so. Through the donations I was able to reach out to so many people who are homeless and dealing with some pretty sad circumstances in their life.

I asked Eric and Willow pretty much the very same questions I asked most of the people at the party. “Would you be interested in helping?” They all said “Yes, we will support you. Just give us a call.” Well Eric and Willow also said “YES” but the difference is they kept their word. When they aren’t able to help, they say. “Hey Kengi we cant help this time” Not once have they committed to do something and they back out.

Eric made me more aware of Darfur and what is taking place there. He did this in a way that wasn’t pushy or preachy. I use to have a lady on this network who also worked to raise awareness for Darfur, but she did it in a way that many people have problems with. Talking with Eric about Darfur was easy, he made it simple, but I fully understood that I needed to get involved some way. For those who know me, you know I am very busy ALL THE TIME with my organization and all that is going on with it. So how could I find time to get involved with something very important like the genocide taking place in Darfur? Well how could I not? I just had to find a way to fit it in.

The week leading into this past weekend Eric and I went bike riding and we spoke about Darfur. Later I saw a facebook message about is friends at the Federal Building in Westwood and I was very interested. See God will always provide a window or open a door. For me this was it. Eric shared what his friends were doing and I wanted very much to be part of it. Even though I had so much I needed to get done for my event, plus I had just come home from the doctor and was kind of weak from all the blood they took. The kitchen was also flooded when I walked in as well. To add another barrier I was still waiting for three people to sow up with donations they said they would bring earlier in the day.

Most people would have just said, “I cant go and he will just have to understand” Well I am not most people. I told Eric I would come out and the only way I wasn’t going to keep my word was death and God isnt ready for me to home yet, so that wasn’t something I was worried about.

I got the Federal Building later then I wanted to, but I showed up and I am so glad I did. Katie-Jay and Tomas were awesome and in just a few hours I had learned so much about Darfur and I knew right then that I had to make time for this. Not because I am so great, because I am not, not because I am such a kind person, because many people will tell you I am a complete asshole at times. Hey I am human and I have never wanted any titles or fancy crowns. I am happy and content with just being “Kengi” save the crowns and fancy titles for the fancy people. (LOL @ Shammeer)

I spent my Friday night being of service to something that is far removed from my organization and cause, however it was for HUMANITY and I am all about helping people who love and respect humanity. Not for a fancy award or to get an acknowledgement, but because it is the right thing to do.

Saturday morning I got up and took Tomas and Katie-Jay some coffee. I wanted very much to stay and help out, but I had to keep moving forward with my work. However taking the time out to stop and offer them something as simple as coffee was not only easy, it was cool and didnt take any extra time out of my morning. I was already getting coffee for me and Andy and I were going to be driving right by there to get donations, so no big.

Sunday I was very tired and I took the morning for myself. Instead of staying in bed, where I would not be able to get or get sleep, I got up and rode my bike down to the beach. I sat for a while and then decided to come back home and walk over to the Federal Building to once again show my support for Katie-Jay, Tomas, Eric and Willow. However they were not the motivating forces that caused me to show up. My love for my own life was. Before leaving home I thought of all the sacrifices my parents made for me. I was very sick as a child, in and out of the hospital all the time with my Sickle Cell and not once did I ever hear my parents complain. I thought of Rosa Parks and how she remained in that seat, risking her very life for someone as broke down as me. I thought of Harriet Tubman and all she did to ensure that Black people could experience even a tiny bit of the freedom. I thought of my Ma’s cousins who were members in the Black Panthers and how hard they worked and lives they gave freely so I can now enjoy the little taste of freedom in this country.

Tuesday was no different for me. I was going to get up and go support LIFE and raise my voice in protest to the genocide that is taking place in Darfur and let me tell you that I am so happy I did. I had the chance to meet, speak to and share with men who once lived in Darfur. I watched as they beat their drums, chanted in their native tongue and encouraged people to stand with them. I saw the hurt and pain in their eyes when they spoke of what was taking place in Darfur. I felt the pain in their hearts as they spoke as the crowd listened.

Eric was filming the men when the older gentleman started speaking. His English wasn’t the best, but hell neither is mine and I was born here. As I was taking pictures of him I stopped and turned off my camera. He was pouring out his heart. “Thank you, thank you.” he repeated over and over. I could feel his spirit dancing as he spoke and in that moment he reminded me of my Grandpappy. The way he expressed himself was almost like a ghost had shown up right in front of me. I felt tears willing up in my eyes, but I fought them back.

When Nana (my Great Grandma) died I recall how Grandpappy said “Thank you, thank you.” to us after her body was taken from the house. It was like he could speak English, but even as a little boy, my heart could feel his heart and my soul was both happy and sad. I didnt know what this was as a child, but I am now 40 years old and death is something I have been dealing with for sometime.

Listening to this man speak, my soul got happy for him and sad for the Souls that have lost their life, not because they have done something wrong, but because of their skin color and they are different. There was a time things were this way in this country and there are those who still feel not much has changed

.

He finished speaking and handed Eric the mic he was holding. He walked toward me and I hugged him. I could feel his energy and it was so awesome. So powerful and so incredible. He told me his english wasnt very good. He told me has has been here for , I think he said 3 or 4 years. He said he went to school to learn and it has gotten much better. I told him not to worry about his English, it was fine and that he heart did all the talking. Anyone with a heart and compassion for mankind will feel this.

The day at the Federal Building was simply awesome. In fact every minute I spent there was time well spent. I could have made excuses about being tired, I could have even let the pain of my Sickle Cell keep me home, but my life and the way my parents raised me, moreover the God that I serve and dwells in me, yes even in someone as broke down as me, will not allow me to just sit around and talk about CHANGE, he empowers me to get up and DO SOMETHING.

What I learned from the weekend is something I have always known my entire life. The power to make CHANGE happen is inside of all of us. I learned through Katie-Jay, Tomas, Eric, Willow, the men from Darfur and all the awesome people I had the chance to meet, speak with, stand in the presence of some pretty outstanding people.

Since I left Washington DC after the inauguration of this nations first Black President and finally seeing the DREAM of Dr. King finally reach the steps of this nations capital, my heart filled with so much joy and love. Not because the DREAM has been fulfilled, because it hasn’t, but because the DREAM is still alive and well. I felt the good in this country and I saw why she is so great. I saw people of all races smiling, laughing, embracing and loving each other.

Once I got back from Washington DC I haven’t seen or felt this energy and in many ways it was starting to discourage me. I hear people say all the time. “Obama has got his work cut out for him” or “I hope he can fix things” when the bottom line is that we all have our work cut out for us and we all need to work to change things.

This past weekend and ending on Tuesday I felt some of the electric energy that was in Washington. I saw it in the eyes of Katie-Jay and Tomas. I feel it when Eric speaks about Darfur and I am honored to have been in the midst of greatness once again and it has energized my soul and blessed my life and has also reminded me that I need to move forward with my work against all odds and do what’s right for humanity. Not because I am looking for praise or to have a movie made about me, but because I care for humanity far more then I care for “fancy” and all that goes with it.

Katie-Jay, Tomas and Eric, thanks so much for inspiring me. Thanks for empowering me. But most of all thanks for LOVING HUMANITY and for LOVING the people of DARUR. YOU ROCK.

Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life

• Posted by Kengi on March 21, 2009 at 1:42am

April 3rd , 2008 at Harbor UCLA Medical Center is where I was told I was HIV positive. For me this is where the hardship, hurt, pain, guilt and shame of this disease began. It has been a very long hard road for me to access care and other support services for my HIV. It is only by the grace of God that my body is still in full control of the HIV virus. My CD-4 T-Cells are high and my viral load is low, all without any HIV medications. I have also been very blessed to have the unconditional love, support and friendships of some pretty amazing people in my life.

April 3rd, 2009 will usher in a renewed more aggressive proactive approach to demanding access to medical care as well as support services which have been greatly lacking not just for myself, but in the Black community and to people who are poor as well as to homeless people who are also at high risk of death from lack of medical care and support services their HIV and AIDS, in addition to basic health care in general.

Additionally April 3rd 2009 will mark the launch of my new outreach Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life. The outreach is designed specifically for people suffering from HIV and AIDS which will include outreach, prevention, education and support.

Moreover “Kengi’s Get Tested Party” will take place as an annual event on April 3rd to encourage people to get tested and seek out care. The event will end with an awesome sunset on Santa Monica Beach with a special “sweet treat” and guest speaker.

Just like the sister outreach of Do Something Saturday~that empowers people, the goal of Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life, is to foster and restore dignity and respect to people who are suffering from HIV and AIDS by providing services such as “Life Kits” information on support groups to people who are homeless and poor. Encouraging peer support from friends and families as well as seeking out, fostering and encouraging healthy dialogue about HIV and AIDS from the very people who are suffering through it.

Life Kits are very similar to my Do Something Kits. They are still very much a hygiene kit, but they will also have information on HIV and AIDS, support groups, treatment education and prevention phone numbers as well as a condom pack to help promote safer sex practices.

Items for Life Kits include:

Shampoo and Conditioner
Body Wash or Shower Gel
Mouth Wash
Toothbrush and Toothpaste
Deodorant
Hand or Body Lotion
Hand Sanitizer
First Aid Kit
Body wipes
Socks
Bottle Water
Energy Bar
Lube and Condoms
All items should be travel size so they can easily fit into a large zip lock bag.

Events for Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life are listed in the calendar as well as in the event sections. Please email kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org to provide support or ask questions.

Also if you would like to participate in the logo design competition for Unpluggin HIV and have your design as the official design for this awesome outreach, please contact kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org for all the details.

I’m not tired yet. (Part 1)

• Posted by Kengi on March 26, 2009 at 11:30pm

I haven’t been bloggin as much as I normally do and this is mainly because I’ve been so busy with outreaches and making myself more visible here in my community in Los Angeles. Bloggin is awesome and in many ways you have become my family as well as my friends. In addition to this many of you are now the core group of supprteras for my organization and I am so happy and blessed for this.

This past week past month, but more so this past week, God has showed me that my labor is not in vain and that no matter who says ad things about me, this organization and the efforts to be of service to people in need, really have no foundation and as long as I keep my eyes forward, not looking to the left or to the right and always trusting and believing that God will work it all out, things will fall into perfect place.

Another reason I haven’t been around as much is the fact that I am still very tired from the Chemo, so while I have had plans to blog, my body has told me “get some rest” I know it may seem like I dont slow down and that I dont take care of myself, but let me assure you of one thing. I love my life, I love the work that I am doing and I love the people I serve. I love the people who have come to not just love my efforts, but respect, honor and understand the effort.

My organization, this blog and this effort has had very little or nothing at all to do with me or help for me. It has never been, nor will it ever be about me. The task and the call is much greater then me and I have fully recognized this since day one. In turn I have asked all who have come to love and respect it to do the same, so i am so thankful to those who have honored it. Bless you.

This week has been so full with outreaches, meetings, new people, new doors opened to much bigger and brighter things that will serve only one purpose, to help those who are in need. This is always the bottom line in all that I try to do. Each and everyday I spend making plans, arranging, “e-begging”, asking friends, thinking things through, asking for advice and input on things I am working on to better serve and assist those who are in need.

With each outreach and event I am constantly asking myself, “How will this help?” or “is this respectful?” Each and everyday I am talking to and LISTENING as well as hearing what people are asking of me and this organization. I dont pay close attention to things like articles in the news or what someone has to say about homelesness, HIV and AIDS or poverty when they havent even taken the time to hear how and what the people who are affected bu such things have to say and what they are asking for.

“Think bigger Kengi” is what I have been told my so many people and “This needs to grow faster if I am going to be part of it.” Well, I am happy with the way my organization has grown. I love the services it offers, no matter how small and insignificant they may be to others. At the end of the day what they think really doest matter and I surely do not consider anything they have to say, although it may upset me and even cause me to act “ugly” at times. I never wanted a “big” organization. All I’ve ever wanted was to help people and I happen to think this organization has done a damn good job at “being of service”

Next Friday, April 3, 2009 will mark one year that I have been HIV positive and it will also mark the beginning of two amazing outreaches for people with HIV and AIDS. Unplugging HIV~empowering a positive life will be the sister outreach to Do Something Saturday~that empowers people. With this new outreach I will once again try to do my est to be of service to people with HIV and AIDS very much in the same ways I have tried to e of service to homeless people and low income families through Do Something Saturday.

Last month I was able to deliver 31 Do Something Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES in my efforts to be of service to people with HIV and AIDS and on April 3, 2009 I will once again do my part to try to stand in the HUGE gap of services to people who need it RIGHT NOW. I think all efforts to help people with HIV and AIDS are awesome, but sometimes people need love, support and help RIGHT NOW, not 10 years from now. People are suffering and to be very honest, people are dying from AIDS, especially Blacks and women of color. I know this program wont address all the needs and wont even come close to addressing all the things that need to e addressed, but in the words on my friend TRAV, I want to at least put a “dent” in what’s going on. I know this is possible because since I created this organization, I’ve seen what the power of love, hard work and determination can do.

The outreach will include information on HIV and AIDS, prevention, treatment, support and it will do it in love and respect for the people who are dealing with it. I plan to offer rap sessions, group trips, community forums, awareness fairs, public service announcements through this network (Project KengiKat), my youtube channel, facebook, my website as well as other places I blog.

I have already done an outreach to men living with HIV and AIDS back in August in Long Beach. The outreach supplied clothes, food, shoes and Do Something Kits to 15 men in the Long Beach area that are living with HIV and AIDS. My very dear friends Ryan and Moina went above and beyond to make this effort a complete success, by asking their families and friends to get involved and help me with this effort. It was such a huge success and I am so thankful to Ryan and Moina for all that they’ve done and the unconditional love and support they have extended to my organization as well as to me.

Unpluggin HIV will also bring “Life Kits” which again be the sister to the already hugely successful Do Something Kits, however Life Kits will also include valuable information on HIV and AIDS, condoms and lube to promote a healthy sex life, information on support groups, and care centers. I will be reaching out to the CDC and the Office of AIDS to make certain that the information I offer in the LIFE KITS is up to date and accurate.

In addition to Unpluggin HIV, which will be a monthly outreach I am also launching a yearly outreach which will take place on the anniversary of when I was told I was HIV positive. April 3, 2009 Kengi’s Get Tested Party will kick off. The event is designed to to encourage people to go out and get tested for HIV and AIDS. It will alaso serve to encourage people into treatment and to LIVE the abundant LIFE that they’ve been promised. The event will also serve as a celebration for all of the people who have lost their battle with AIDS. It will also be a celebration of LIFE for all of those who have made it one more second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year with HIV and AIDS. The event will feature a guest speaking and stories from people with HIV and AIDS. It will end with an awesome sunset on world famous Santa Monica Beach.

This year I will be the guest speaker. I will talk about my first encounter with AIDS so long ago when I was 19 years old, when I became infected with HIV and how this has had such a major impact on my life. I will also share my latest lab results. I am hoping many of you who live in the LA area will come out and show your love and support for this event. If you do plan to attend then i ask that you bring items for the Life Kits. If you dont live in the LA area, I ask that you please donate items for Life Kits either by mail or donate online.

Sickle Cell will not kill me, cancer will not kill me, 22 months of homelessness wasnt able to break me or cause me to give up. HIV and AIDS will not kill me. I refuse to allow this to happen. I refuse to allow HIV and AIDS, just I have refused the same for Sickle Cell, Cancer and Homelessness to destroy the great boy my parents gave bith to over 40 years ago. The boy who is now an awesome man with a life that has meaning and purpose. I also refuse to stand by and allow homelessness, HIV and AIDS to simply run hog wild over the lives of people around me. I refuse to accept that homeless people are worthless, lazy, crazy, drug addicts, scum or anything else other then HUMAN and entitled to the same love, respect and dignity as anyone else. I refuse to allow HIV and AIDS to simply wipe people like California wild fires ran through, wiped out, destroyed and devastated so many lives. I will work with the same tenacity, resolve, urgency, passion and regard for ALL HUMAN LIFE, just like those firemen fought against all odds, day and night to save what is precious and real for people they will never even know.

I will work as hard as I can to make certain that the Dream and the GREAT Dr. King lives on and becomes a reality and not some false concept of a color less world. I will continue to embrace the beauty of color and I will continue to love and accept it. I will work hard to encourage all people to do the same, because Dr. Kings Dream wasnt about a colorless America or world, it was about EQUALITY for COLORED people. So when we erase color, we erase equality this will in turn erase the DREAM and King and we will be back to the NIGHTMARE that once was.

HIV and AIDS is a clear and real NIGHTMARE for Blacks in this Country and in the world and it is because of ACCESS to CARE. Education and Stigma do play roles, but ACCESS to CARE is KEY and until ALL of us see that even with all the amazing advances in care, treatment and the longer life spans promised and delivered. BLACKS are very much still way back in the 80’s when it comes to HIV and AIDS.

I HAVE HIV
HIV DOESNT have me
AIDS will not kill me and I refuse to allow ACCESS to care give AIDS to opportunity to do so.

I’m not tired yet. (part 2) Love for Judy

• Posted by Kengi on March 27, 2009 at 10:00am

Almost two weeks ago all cold/winter weather shelter programs closed in Los Angeles County, leaving over 2500 people with no place to go. My organization was able to be of service to the West Los Angeles location which was a huge success. I know many of the people who slept at this shelter, because I use to sleep there with them when I was homeless. I consider them my friends and I care for them a great deal.

Many of them asked me for sleeping bags and warm blankets, so I then asked my friends on facebook if they could help. I even asked on youtube as well. Three people stepped forward, well lets say three households came forward to help. I say this because two are couples and I know when I was in a relationship and something was given, it came from both of us, anyway, All of them are my friends. Two people I have known not very long, but a amazing people and have done some really nice things for my organization, plus they’ve been friends to me and such a huge inspiration for me. (Eric and Willow)

Next was Emily, I met Emily at the rally for Darfur at the Westwood Federal Building the very same weekend of the outreach for the West LA Cold/Winter Weather Shelter, that is just a few blocks away. She held down the corner with me. Encouraging people to “HONK FOR DARFUR” For those of you who dont already know it, let me quickly tell you about Darfur. There is genocide taking place there. People are being starved to death, beaten and killed and villages burned. My buddy Eric placed this in my eyes and this has made it close to my heart now. Here is a link to the video I shot with someone who is far more on top of and involved with this subject then I.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/darfur-1

Eric is a member of this network and he is a wealth of information on the subject as well. So please feel free to ask him questions about this subject, of just to say hello to him.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/profile/Eric

Now back to the sexy, Ms. Emily, as I was saying she helped me hold down the corner for the rally, she even got some sexy fireman to wave and wink at her. Look out now. She said something was in his eye. LOL. She was in his eye. LOL. Emily also came through with a sleeping bag, pillow and a blanket.

Then someone who I dont recall meeting, in fact I am not sure if he was at the rally for Darfur or maybe he just saw my the vids I made of my experience. I am not sure. None the less he too has reached out to offer a sleeping bag and for this I am so thankful. Get this, my buddy Eric and is lady Willow are taking to trip and they will bring the bag back with them from I believe Portland. So how’s that for support and Love. Thanks Cory.

The bag that Eric and Willow donated went to my friend Judy in Los Angeles. She is a senior in her mid to late 60’s. As I have stated I met her over two years ago when I myself was homeless. At the time I was doing a outreach with evening meals with my friend Christina when we met her.

This week I have been able to visit with her a few times and she allows me to make videos of the experience. This is cool because then people are able to see what I do, ow I do it, who supports it and how is not only supports, but empowers those who receive the donated items. By doing this I get people to care. Some for the wrong reasons and they fall off very fast, because their ego is involved and not the desire of helping someone. AHHHH but when people who truly care nothing more about helping people get involved with my outreaches the results are simply outstanding.

Take Judy for example, not only did she get the sleeping bag from Eric and Willow, she also got clothes from Monica and her Aunt Emma. She’s received two Do Something Kits from donations to my organization and she’s also received lunch, dinner and new shoes from me through the $50 I received from AIDS Project Los Angeles for participating in a recent survey on HIV. She even has a cell phone was given to me for her with minutes loaded on the phone. She now has my number so if she needs me she can call me. She has done so three times already.

Moreover Judy has now gained the friendship and love on Courtney, also my friend and someone right here from Project Kengikat

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/profile/Courtney

Courtney saw the video of Judy and reached out to me asking how she could support her. I wasnt really sure how, so I simply suggested that she might want to be her pen pal and she was more then happy to do just that. You can check out the videos of Judy right here on the network. She is such an awesome woman with an amzing spirit. It is going to be so nice to be able to support her through the love and kindness of my friend Courtney. It has been awesome to support her through the love and support from so many of you here on this network and on facebook as well.

Just like Eric has empowered and inspired me to get involved with the effort to raise awareness for Darfur, like TRAV and Justin B Smith has done the same to help me launch my new outreach for HIV and AIDS, Courtney has also done the very same thing. I am currently working on creating a program for seniors who are homeless here in Los Angeles. The first leg of the program has already started with Courtney being the pen pal for Judy. July will launch the entire program with two awesome events. The return of Extreme Makeover for Homeless people~Senior Edition and a Photo exhibit featuring the entire process of putting it all together.

I love what I have created. The organization and this network. I love the all who truly know what this effort is all about and have come to love and support it just as much as I do.

Eric, Willow, Emily, Cory and Courtney, you’ve encouraged and inspired me and I am so richly blessed for it. You’ve empowered to to push harder, create more and fight to make things a bit better for those in need. Thanks so much for this. I love and respect each of you.

Days like these “Do Something Saturday”

• Posted by Kengi on March 28, 2009 at 10:30pm

Today was such an awesome day. Besides the fact that we’ve been having some pretty amazing weather here, I was also able to have my Do Something Saturday event on the beach in Santa Monica at Chess Park. Originally I had planned for the event to take place on Venice Beach, since I hardly ever get the chance to make it down that way, but I have been sort of low on energy since chemo and to be very honest I really wasnt in the best of moods. I never want to do outreaches when I am not in good moods. Simply because I dont want my bad mood or my not feeling well to affect the people I try to serve.

Last night I got a call from Niambi, she is someone I met after she heard me on the Kevin Nash radio show. She is one of many who reached out offering support for my outreach efforts, but she is the only one who actually followed through on her word. We emailed back and fourth a few times and then we talked on the phone and she later came out to support the effort to be of service to homeless people at the West Los Angeles Cold/Winter Shelter. So she calls me to ask me if i was still going to have the outreach for the beach. She even gave me the opportunity to back out. She knew I was still tired and needing rest, plus I had a little spill on my bike again and hurt my knee after a car made a turn in front of me. The driver kept on going.

I decided to go ahead with the plan to do the outreach and we arrange for her to meet me at 10:30AM today (Saturday, March 28) However since Niambi is new to the beach outreach and it would just be she and I, I wanted to make sure that her first outreach went well. I decided against going to Venice Beach simply because sometimes the homeless people there can tend to be a bit more aggressive and I didnt want to introduce her to the outreach along the beach this way. My Ma use to say do things in baby steps. So I took her to Chess Park at Santa Monica Beach. This way she could see some of the people she may have already met from the event she had done a two weeks ago.

Niambi had purchased some awesome items from Target for the outreach and I had donations from Shammeer, Monica, Emma as well as myself. We arrived and parked int he parking structure at the Santa Monica Place Mall which is closed for a major remodel, and headed down to the beach. We were talking along the way when we arrived at the corner of Ocean and Colorado when I saw this homeless woman I met over two years ago. In fact she is someone I met when I use to sleep along the beach in Santa Monica. Her name is Alexandra, many people called her Alex. I wanted to make sure it was her before I reached out to her, but once I heard her voice I knew right way that it was her, so I walked over and said hello to her.

“Hi brother, arent you the man who use to help the homeless people?”

Laughing is said “Yes, I am still the man who helps the homeless people.”

“Kengi, how are you baby?” she asked

“I am well, how are you? Where have you been?”

So told me that she had been in Texas and came back to LA after she was forced into a program where she was forced to give up her monthly check and they were asking for her other income as well. She says they also had her on meds that she doesnt like taking as well. Alex has some mental problems and is on meds. However in my observation of her, when she takes all the meds she seems way off, but when she takes what she feels she needs, she can carry on a conversation and doesnt appear to be this doped up zombie that cant even tell you her name or know if the sun is shining. It has been my experience with her, that she is fully aware of the meds she must take and she only takes those. When she is forced to take them all she is very unbalanced, seemingly drunk or drugged. When she is on all her meds, she clearly can not and is not in full control of herself.

We talked with her for a while and she informed me that she was seeking service from OPCC which is a homeless agency in Santa Monica. I know plenty of homeless people including myself who have turned to this agency for support and services and were not able to get very far. Many of who are still on the streets while being case managed by OPCC.

while talking with her at the top of the Santa Monica Pier I saw two guys I started helping back in November of last year right before my 22 months of homelessness came to an end. When I met them they both were pretty drunk and pretty much unable to carry on a conversation. However since this time I have seen progress in the two of them. I no longer see them drunk and they are both as clean as homeless person who sleeps on the streets can possibly be. I am not saying that they do not drink any longer, I am saying that when I see them, and I see them quite a bit, they have made progress with not being drunk. Any progress is good, no matter how small it may be. I am proud of both of them and I will continue to do all I can to support them. We were able to give them and others who came up, new shorts, hats and socks. They all were very thankful, polite and appreciative for the items we were able to supply them with.

We then headed down to Chess Park and once there the guys we so happy to see that I had come by. They were more happy with seeing the beautiful Niambi then anything else. The cool thing is that it is awesome to bring a sexy and beautiful woman along with me on the outreaches to keep the natives calm. LOL. One guy even commented right as we left that he was happy he didnt have to work because he would have missed Ms. Niambi.

As we were leaving Chess Park we had the chance to see David. As always David went right for the pretty lady and simply just hit me with the socks i handed him. LOL. he is always so much fun to talk with and listen to. However today I ad to cut him short, because of time. The cool thing about David is that fact that he will remember the last part of the story he was telling you and pick up right where he left off when he see’s you again.

On the back to the car we stopped again to talk with Alex and the friend she had sitting with her. This time the shirt she had refused became attractive to her and she was happy to take it. Alex sometimes does this, but I love her dearly and I would give her the shirt off my back if she asked for it.

Niambi and I had some pretty cool conversation in her car going and coming from the outreach. She was playing some sweet sounds of jazz music, real jazz, not that crappy Kenny G wanna be jazz, but the real stuff. Her Father is a jazz buff and has passed his amazing taste of great music on to her. The CD she was playing was simply awesome and since I love jazz music I was happy to have the sounds fill my ears. I cant wait until the free jazz summer events start up again at LACMA and Hollywood and Highland so I can hopefully enjoy them with Niambi. In addition it would be cool to share Central Jazz Festival and all the excitement of this awesome event with her as well.

We visited a little longer, but then it was time to say goodbye. She left me with bottled water and cliff bars that I will use for the outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS next week. Next week will mark one year that I have been HIV positive and it will also mark the start of the outreach for people living with HIV and AIDS. Unpluggin HIV and Kengi’s Get Tested Party will both launch next Friday on April 3, 2009. Information for both events are listed in the events area of the website www.dosomethingsaturday.org and here on Project KengiKat www.projectkengikat.ning.com

Speaking of the outreaches that start next week, I spent most of my day on Friday getting supplies for the Life Kits, although I was hoping to get more support for the kits such as information and condoms from AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES or other places such as AID for AIDS, this didnt happen. However Danny Pepper at Being Alive was such a huge source and support for the kits. He was able to provide a newsletter and other valuable items for the Life Kits. Next week, I will e able to get the condoms for the Life Kits as well. Once again I did reach out and ask AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES, but I was passed around to so many different people and nothing ever came of it. Danny however didnt pass the buck and was able to help me out with this effort and for this I am so thankful. I will deliver the Life Kits on Friday to Being Alive to support their clients who are either homeless or low income with HIV and AIDS.

So far I have 9 Life Kits and would like to provide many more, so if you would like to get involved with this effort to help support people living with HIV and AIDS by donating items for the Life Kits, please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org for the details and items for the kits. I want to thank Justen, Courtney and Niambi for already helping with items for the Life Kits.

One more sweet thing about today was the call I got from Devra, she is someone who saw my add for mens clothing on freecycle. I placed an add there requesting for donations of men’s clothing. I had 13 replys, all of them saying how they wanted to help. One person even said he had already prepared Do Something Kits and collected items for the outreach. I even changed medical appointments to accommodate him. The items we never showed up and he acted like it was my fault that he couldnt keep his word for items he says he had already collected and intended for my outreach efforts.

Devra was like Niambi, she made a commitment and she followed through. Right as we were leaving for the beach, Devra called and we made arrangements for her to drop off her donations. Once I came home from visiting with Judy in Los Angeles, there were Three bags of awesome men’s clothes, shoes and belts sitting by the door. SWEET!!! These items will be used to support men living with HIV and AIDS on Skid Row as well as homeless men here on the Westside.

It’s always so awesome to have such sweet days like the one I had today. Even though my knee is hurting and I am in some pain, I did my best to “be of my word” and follow through. For me at the end of the day, it is very important for me to keep my word and follow through with the things I say I am going to do, this demonstrates character and integrity. Not only this, it means that the people I try my best to serve can count of me doing the very little I do to serve them.

I ended my day with a bike ride back down the beach for an awesome sun set. Thanks everyone for helping me “LIVE the DREAM to BE the CHANGE”

YOU ROCK!!!!!

Even in all of this, I’m still a believer

• Posted by Kengi on March 29, 2009 at 11:30am

This week will mark one year that I have been HIV positive and it has been no cake walk and no “blessing” like I was told it would be. Maybe that’s because the beast who told me that it would be a “blessing” is nothing more then a “mega dork”

Ok, so I am positive for one year on April 3, 2009. What does this mean? Where do I from here? Will I live a long life? or will I become yet another Black man on the CDC’s next report on how HIV and AIDS is wiping out the Black population here in America and even world wide? Well I will make a report from the CDC, but it wont be the one with dead Black people on it. It will be the report that says Blacks are living longer primarily because the “stigma” has been removed and also due to the fact the Blacks have become more educated about HIV and AIDS. But the #1 reason why the report will say Blacks are living longer, is the same reason why Blacks are being wiped out from HIV and AIDS today. Yep, access to prevention and care will not be the #1 reason why Blacks aren’t living longer then their counter parts, but the #1 reason they are living just as long if not longer.

Let’s just look at a few things and clear the air which will then open the door to some “real talk” about HIV and AIDS and how is affecting the Black community here in the United States and world wide.

There is simply no argument that HIV and AIDS care has gotten far better. People are living longer lives with HIV and AIDS. This even includes Blacks here in this country. It think it is very important to point this out. Blacks are already enjoying the benefits of longer life. There is simply no question that care for HIV and AIDS is available. Not once have I ever stated, nor will I ever state that it isn’t.

So some of us are skipping to the lou, down the yellow brick road, oh I am sorry, that is a color and we dont see color, so I guess it is the colorless road off into the golden sunset, wait that’s a color again, so just a sunset, singing “free at last” and “we shall overcome” However, missing from this picture and the singing of these songs are the very people who started singing them in the first place. Just like it is silly and ignorant to not acknowledge that the sun is golden, the brick is red and the road is yellow it is even more silly and ignorant to pretend that HIV and AIDS care with all the advances and longer lives being lived includes everyone. It simply does not and anyone who says it does is blind, from not seeing color, death from not hearing the alarming numbers that have long been in place way before recent CDC report came out. They are also too damn arrogant to admit that while there have been advances in the care of HIV and AIDS, Blacks and women of color are left back in the dark ages (over 25 years ago) Furthermore simply blaming this on “education” and “Stigma” is again plain and simple arrogance and ignorance.

If it was simply “stigma” and “education” what in the hell has been done about it. This would once again point out the failure of the powers that be to reach out, identify, address and solve this problem therefore correcting it. However this isnt case, because even if this was done, the problem with access to care would still exist. Mama ue to say, “let’s get down to the business of reality” and that is access to care.

Now I am not saying that there isnt any “stigma” and lack of “education” about HIV and AIDS. I know that there is, hell we all know this, however Blacks and women of color arent the only people who suffer from “stigma” and lack of “education” So let’s just put this crap away until later and cut to the core of why HIV and AIDS is in fact the #1 killer of Blacks in the United States.

Let’s be clear about one thing. We all know that studies, reports and surveys are very one sided. Their job is to prove a point. However they lack some very basic and fundamental factors that will help determine the overall outcome.

For example when you do studies, where are you getting your subjects? How many Blacks came from clinics that cater to, very poorly I might add, to communities such as Blacks? How many Blacks did you bother to ask who have private insurance? Did you reach outside the box? Or did you simply go with what is easy? The majoruty of people who use places like free clinics are from lower income areas, they tend to come from lower education backgrounds, they also tend to be a mixed bag of people. I guess what I am saying is this. If you use places that cater to a certain group more so then other places you will get pretty grim results. For example, if you spent more time in private doctor offices and private hospitals and ask the Blacks and women of color the very same questions, then the study would show very different results. This is why I never trusted things like statistics and studies. They are flawed and one sided and have been designed to point out things that are in fact there, but will do nothing to fix them.

Recently I was asked to take survey at AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES and while taking the survey with a ton of closed ended questions I had some major problems with this, so I asked if I could give explanations. I was allowed to, but I have to question if my answers had anything to do with the outcome of the survey. It is important to note a few things here. First off, I have a lot of respect and admiration for the Brian, the treatment educator at APLA, the same can be said for my case manager there as well. However in general I share this for the organization as a whole. APLA has long been known as the place for White men. This is no secret, it is common knowledge, just like it is common knowledge that Blacks and women of color dont have the same access to care as others. But if we admit this, then we must admit fault or failure to serve and address the issues. So we ignore it or make it colorless so no one can see it. Last the survey was to see how effective the Treatment Educator (TA) is at APLA. Bottom line, it was for funding for APLA, which will only affect their clients. How very one sided of APLA. The goal should have been to provide better TA’s accross the board, not just for APLA. However in order to do this, they would have had to collaborate with other agencies and share information which isnt done currently. Not just by APLA but all players involved throughout the United States.

The survey asked questions like

Have you ever missed a doctors appointment?

Well who the hell hasnt. It didnt take into consideration that someone may have missed their appointment for very good reasons. Like homelessness, bus fair or transportation to the appointment, it also failed to consider the fact that someone might have other medical appointments that came up which were more pressing. There is just so much to consider. So questions such as this can give very disturbing results.

How engaged are you in your HIV care with your doctor?

Depends on how you define “engaged” Since the I found out I was HIV positive, I feel I have been very engaged, however I know this isnt what the survey was asking for. Now Harbor UCLA will say I wasnt “engaged” in my care because I missed appointments and didnt follow through with labs. However they wont say the reason I didnt make the appointments, because it will show that access to care is greatly flawed and the very place who is supposed to be assisting with medical care plays key roles.

I did miss two appointments when I was at Harbor UCLA’s HIV Clinic. I will never say that I didnt. However I did show up for the appointments. Each time I was turned away by financial workers because I didnt have a reject letter from the State of California for Medi-Cal. They also told me that until I could pay for my care I could no longer get care there. Access denied. Furthermore they didnt even enroll me into the ADAPT program which gives a 45 day grace period while I wait for the reject letter from Medi-Cal. Something I am entitled to. I now know this.

The other appointment was for lab work to check to see it I had some type of virus or bug in my system. I was given 5 collection cups among other things to collect stool samples. However I was homeless “on the streets” Where the hell was I going to store “shit” samples? In my pockets? My backpack? One was required to be refrigerated. WTF? What part of HOMELESS didnt that doctor get. he was fully aware of my situation. I was in the hospital for 11 days. HOMELESS all over my chart, in fact I had spoken to him about it and demanded not to be “dumped” in a place where I would be in greater harm health wise. This was ignored.

“You are an educated man Mr. Carr. You will figure it out.”

I could go on and on about the lack of and access to care, but that would be pointless, the fact of the matter would still remain, BLACKS are being wiped out by HIV and AIDS and this country is doing very little about it.

For me I have always made the choice to rise above. As a kid I was told “Sickle Cell will hold you back” Bullshit, it may have slowed me down a bit and at times it still does, but holding me back is power I refuse to all Sickle Cell to have. Cancer 5 times now. I was once told that I would die in 6 to 8 months. This is now over three years ago, some of this time I was battling homelessness. Cancer and lousy medical care will not get to kill me. I am far to arrogant to allow this. Homelessness took it’s turn at bat and it even used HIV and places like UCLA, SKid Row and the AIDS Service Center and the big woman Scott who told me “Skid Row is your only option” again this was bullshit and I walked. Skid Row was the only option his lazy ass was willing to offer me because I am Black and at the time i was homeless, further more it made him feel like he was better then me.

On the flip side are Blacks and their roles in all of this and Blacks play key roles as well. HIV and AIDS is very much a two way street and everyone has a job to do. The job of Blacks is to get our asses into care, no matter how fuckin hard it is. No matter how many so called “Christians” and ” Church pew sitters” tell us we are on our way to hell, no matter how much shame you may or may not feel. Death is far worse then any amount of shame you might be feeling now. If you’re family and friends dont support you, tell them mo’s to “kick rocks” and get your ass into care. Dont you dare believe for one second that HIV and AIDS wont kill your ass, because it will and it is.

We must begin to love ourselves more then we love rap music and singing in the damn choir. We must embrace each other, fully support and encourage each other. if you dont have people in your life who are supportive of you in HIV and AIDS, then get them assholes out your life. They wont support paying for your funeral cost either, so why in the sam hell do you wont them in your life now? They aint worth a damn. If you Mama, daddy, brother, sister and even your so called man is the problem, then you tell them to “kick rocks” too. You better get to the right channel of love yourself first. Get over that shame, acting like you dont have HIV or AIDS will do nothing but kill you. Act like you know.

For you downlow bruthas all you need to understand is this. What you’re doing is just that “low down” and you need to stop killing our brothers and sisters with your ignorance and arrogance. Your “downlow” gay ass is causing so much hurt and destruction to the Black community and you are too busy sticking your dick into ass and pussy and even getting your ass poked to even care that YOU are a killer. You are far worse then HIV and AIDS.

For anyone having sex, got ever get so hot that you forget the condom. Your life is amazing and beautiful. LOVE IT, RESPECT IT. PROTECT YOURSELF!!!! make sure you wrap it up and make him wrap it up.

Where do I go from here? I am moving forward with my AWESOME, BLESSED and AMAZING LIFE. I’ve had far more UPS then I’ve had downs and in the down time I have learned to reach within myself to believe in me. Believe the fact that the two awesome people who gave me life in the first place have created an original. I am special in ever way, there is no one like me on this planet, nor will there ever be anyone like me again. I am unique, I am strong, I am proud of who I am and I am damn proud of my life. It has been rich and will continue to be this way. Why? Because I refuse to let things like Sickle Cell, Cancer, Homelessness, HIV and anything else that is only meant to prevent me from moving forward and walking into my victory to stand in my way.

Sickle Cell, trained me to be strong and to endure massive amounts of pain all the time, Cancer trained me how to fight back and not believe all so called leaders in their fields have to say about MY LIFE and how or when it will end. Homelessness trained me to dig deep, fight back, hold on, never give up and not to accept bullshit simply because some agency says this is how things are. HIV only reminded me that my life is AWESOME and WORTHY. It has showed me that I have some work to do, not for myself but for people who are suffering and being killed by HIV and AIDS while most of this country stands by and watches. HIV showed me that the right to life is far more important and pressing then the right to marry and WE ALL should fully get this and all efforts should be working toward ALL of us living longer lives. What good is the right to marry if I am dead?

I all of this I have learned something that I have always known and something I have always done. Reaching out to help others, supporting others who are in pain, loving humanity, respecting and embracing the beauty of “color” and always knowing, trusting and believing that while I might be in what appears to be the end of my life to the untrained soul, God is right there in the middle, working it all out for me and as long as I hold on, hold out, stand tall and be still, he will come through. He (God) has never failed me yet and I know his word is true.

See you dont know, like I know, how good God has been to me. Fist fighting on skid row for my laptop and camera, staph infections the size of silver dollars 11 times all over my body, so much radiation and Chemo in one life time that I should be glowing, but through all the sickness, all the pain, all the hardships, the main tears I have cried all the friends who have turned and walked away, talked shit, made jokes, laughed, all the attacks on my character, my faith and the organization that I created all while homeless, lousy HIV care and lousy information from places who are not only supposed to know, but paid very well to know and care for me have all failed to destroy me and the great, strong, powerful and loving man I am, have always been. always will be. Why has all this failed? Because greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. Furthermore God promised that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. So guess what I am fearing no man or anything life throws at me. Yes, there are times when life and all the things that go with it cause me to stumble, I might even fall, but I will get back up, dust myself off and move forward. Yes I will make mistakes, but again I will learn from them and move forward with no regrets, guilt or shame, cause if I allow any of this to have place in my life, I will get off track.

Where do I go from here? I am moving forward, just as God will have me to do. I will “be still” and patiently await his answer, because he and only he knows whats best for me. A long as I allow him to lead, I will be fine because his sight is beyond what I can see, so my prayer isnt for a million bucks, that would be nice, bu that isnt what I pray for. My prayer is that God prepare me heart, prepare my mind, prepare my body, prepare my soul, prepare ALL OF ME for whatever comes my way. So I can be ready. My prayer and request is that God use me as a voice for CHANGE in this country. CHANGE for homeless people. CHANGE for people suffering with HIV and AIDS.

I dont not for one second believe that there is anything on this planet that I can not change, There is nothing here that has power over me, so when I hear people say things like “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change…….” isnt something I know my God would have me to pray. because he has already told me I can move mountains, so why would he now tell me to accept that the mountain cant be moved? God didnt say the mountain cant be moved, man said this and man created the prayer that limits what God has said you can do.

For me I will continue on the path that God has for me. I run while the sun is shining, I will feel the sun on my face even when there is nothing but darkness all around me. I will continue to believe that even though attacks will come, storms will rise, winds will blow, they will not be able to stand against me or destroy me. It isnt possible because God said so and I believe this. I will continue to move forward with my community work with homelessness as well as HIV and AIDS.

I will continue to enjoy the rich, successful, powerful, blessed and highly favored life God has given me.

Life steps in

• Posted by Kengi on March 30, 2009 at 2:59am

“Mr. Carr you are HIV positive” something I never thought I would hear said to me. I also never thought I would be homeless, but I was. People ask me how I got through 22 months of homelessness. My answer is always same “my faith is how I made it.” Faith carried me and God kept me. It was hard and I cried so much, there are times, like right now where I cry because I went through so much and while there are plenty of people in my life, I went through it alone physically.

The other day I was sharing with my new friend Shammeer and I nearly broke down, just the thought of what people feel they have to do when they are homeless in order to survive is very hard to think about. I’ve done things that I am not proud of, but I have no regrets. The 22 months has made me much stronger, wiser and more like the man God would have me to be as well as the man I know my parents would be so proud of.

The other day when I was leaving from my visit with Judy, Shyron called me and I let her talk with Judy for a minute. Judy face just lit up to have someone else to speak to. Hey eyes just opened so wide and her smile was just so huge. As I started speaking with Shyron as I walked away from Judy I started crying because it just right. I felt as if I were leaving her. She is such a joy to be around and like many of the homeless people I visit with and care for, there is this bond, so I cant help but cry when i have to go leave to go home. It hurts so much.

It’s been my faith that is getting me through HIV as well. Like homelessness people seem to have this way of thinking that there are all this support and excellent care and compassion for people with HIV or AIDS, well just as it isnt true that there are plenty of worthwhile services that truly help people who are homeless, there just fewer for people with HIV and AIDS. The services in place, dont even agree and many times offer different advice and support for HIV.

“There is no rush” or “you have time” are things I just hate to hear. How the hell does anyone know this? The fact of the matter is that they dont, so it should never be said, no matter how well intended it is meant. This is just a bad as me being told HIV would be a “blessing” HIV is not a blessing there is a rush and we are running out of time. Many have already lost their lives because of this “there is no rush” approach and it’s time to change this.

HIV and AIDS is so hard for me, not because I am sick, because I am not, well I am sick with HIV, but not sick enough for care. It’s hard because of what I have seen and experienced before HIV was even part of my life. As I blogged before, I was 19 when i came face to face with HIV and the image of Dennis is still very much in my head. The same for James, my cousin and others. It hasn’t even been a month since I got a call from the mother of my Friend Gus and again tonight I get yet another call to inform me that another man who I had so much love and respect for has lost his battled with AIDS.

I am trying so hard not to cry right now, once because I dont want to wake my roommates and cause them to worry about me and two I simply cant understand how people who are seeking care are still leaving this planet. I dont get that there have been HUGE advances in the care of HIV and AIDS, but this doesnt include Blacks. I dont get how all these advances are right here in front of all of us, but thee is a strong chance that I will die because of access. This feeling is unsettling, but I will not allow it to destroy or overtake me. I will not allow it to cause me to give up or throw in the towel. I refuse to allow this to happen. I refuse to be another Black man who dies in vain.

I dont get how the government plays key roles in preventing care for people who are suffering with HIV and AIDS and I hate that people act like it isnt happening or that I am making this shit up. My heart is very heavy and I cant stop crying, because another life is gone, another man has died, another BLACK MAN. Another family is left asking way and they will get no fucking answers

I started off wanting to do this blog about the new outreaches I have created for people living with HIV and AIDS. I also wanted to talk about the fact that I did an outreach today to someone with HIV. I wanted to blog about all the hope I have for the programs. How Danny from Being Alive was such HUGE support to me with items for the kits, but now I am just numb

I wanted to talk about TRAV and he awesome live chat, the possibility of maybe getting interviewed by someone else who i have heard great things about and have respect for, but another friend has died and now my soul must pause for him and his family.

I will pick the blog up another time.

Downtown LA’s Central Library and the “Nobody” in the Blue Suit

• Posted by Kengi on March 31, 2009 at 11:30am

The other day I had the chance to go down to Downtown Los Angeles to take the first “Life Kit” and clothes to someone who lives in that area and they also have HIV. It was cool to finally meet this person. They happen to be someone who has read my blog and watch my youtube videos. They also happen to be someone that doesnt always agree with what I say and do. However this person has never removed their membership from my blog network, nor have they stopped watching my videos. In fact the person has been helpful in keeping me up to date with things that are taking place for homeless people which could also affect people with HIV and AIDS. For me this say a great deal to this persons character and the kind of person they truly are.

It’s fine to not agree, but when we dont agree does this mean you stop reading my blog, remove yourself from my friends list and stop watching my videos? Well it shouldnt, but for some people, many who have come and gone, it means just that. Some will even sink to the level of trying to get others not to watch or read by posting videos about me and my organization just to get others not to read or watch. This too says a great deal about the kind of character and also speaks to the kind of person someone like this is.

It was awesome to shake hands and meet with this person. I am going to do my best to support them and the people with HIV and AIDS around them as best I can through my Unpluggin HIV outreach. This person has provided me with an idea as how to go about doing this and it will provide me with a direct link to helping people instead of simply handing things off to organizations where things will more then likely sit for days weeks or even months before they are provided to the people they were intended to help.

While I was in Downtown LA, I had chance to walk around and get some pictures. Downtown LA is considered by many to be “ground zero” for the horrible homeless situation here in Los Angeles County. It has been reported that Downtown Los Angeles has the highest concentration of homeless people in the State of California. Some even say the nation. I would say that Downtown LA has the highest concentration of homeless people in the world.

The Los Angeles Central Library is such an amazing library. It has a rich history and boasts the largest collection of books this side of the Mississippi. The library features a small version of the Getty collection and also has a small Mark Taper Auditorium in the Tom Bradley wing of the library which is the largest area of the library. The Tom Bradley wing is also the area that holds the core collection of books on four levels, three of which are below ground. Hanging from the rafters in this area are beautiful bright sculptures. The top floor has a glass area looking across to the other side of the entrance to this wing and a stunning view of the floor below as well as the sculptures. This is truly an amazing library.

The Los Angeles Central Library has always been to locals as the Central Library, although it is named after the former mayor of Los Angeles Richard Rirdon, it is the late Mayor Tom Bradley that holds what I would consider to be the core of the Central Library. Tom Bradley, who is given credit for reshaping Los Angeles, after an unprecedented run as the leader of this metropolis for his 20 year tenure from 1917-1998.

The Central Library, like most libraries in this nation from small towns to large mega cities like New York and San Francisco, the Los Angeles Central Library is also a safe place for homeless people. Like it or not, libraries are a safe haven from the hurt and harm fro this nations ills and wrongs. Like it or not, they provide a place to use to the restroom, the provide a place to try to get cleaned up and change clothes. They also provide a place to rest after a night of walking the streets here on Los Angeles where many prevent this from happening. Now I am the very first to stand up and say, this isnt what our nations libraries were intended to do, however, since our nation is failing the vast majority of people who suffer through homelessness, I will be the first t stand up and defend the rights of homeless people to be able to use them for this purpose.

When I was homeless for 22 months the Central Library as well as the new stunning Santa Monica Library and the awesome Beverly Hills Library were places where I changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and took a whore bath. Like most homeless people I made certain that I didnt cause a problem or leave a mess for others. Since this was one of few places that were clean and safe for me, I didnt want to mess this up for others and myself by leaving a mess for the cleaning crews to clean up.

However there are those who still feel that people who are homeless have no right to do this, furthermore there is even a greater number of people who feel that homeless people shouldn’t even be allowed inside our nations libraries at all. Not even to read a book. Cities are already passing and considering laws to not only ban homeless people, but limit or prevent them from checking out books. Talk about access denied.

I have a huge problem, as should anyone, when it comes to restricting “public spaces” for certain people. If we take a look back in our nations history Blacks weren’t even allowed to have a book, with the homeless population of Los Angeles County being 51% Black I have a even bigger problem with such laws and restrictions and I will stand up to it, even if I have to do it alone and I don’t care if all the housed Blacks in Los Angeles or this nation tell me I am wrong. I am not wrong, the law or ordinance is wrong and anyone who stands by it or enforces it is also wrong.

I was asked to leave the Central Library twice, once because my bag were too large and I was told this was a “security concern” Since 911, this country has blamed so much of this nations already in place situations and problems on 911. Saying things like “security concerns” have prompted such crazy and more importantly discriminatory and bigoted laws. The second time I was asked to leave was because two people said I “smelled bad” and it was bothering them.

The Central Library also has amazing grounds and they too provide places to sit and yes even take a nap. I have seen people in business suits take off their jackets and lay down to nap on the grass and benches throughout the area. However when homeless people do this they are asked to leave. “This is private property and you cant take a nap here” but no attempt to wake sleeping or napping business people is ever made. They are left alone, because they are some how entitled to rest because of their “fancy” looks.

This past weekend I had the chance to see private security in full force. Going out of their way to bother and harass homeless people, but not once did they approach people who were not homeless. However this time I wasn’t just going to allow this to happen and not ask why this was taking place. I walked over to the this gentleman on a bike and asked him what the rule was for sleeping in the park around the Central Library. He told me that is it private property and “homelessness” people are not allowed to sit for too long and they are not allowed to sleep either.

“Excuse me, but you said homeless people? So you only apply this to homeless people?”

“No it applies to everyone.”

“But you said homeless people. Isnt that what you said?”

“Yes I did and they dont have the right to sleep on private property.”

“This is true, but no one should have this right. Correct me if I am wrong, but you dont have the right to put your hands on them either do you?”

“Sir this conversation is over. I dont have to answer to you. You’re nobody.”

“Oh and you are? You arent even the police, so we wont even talk about me being nobody, because you are Mr. Nobody. I am asking you not to touch and bother anymore homeless people in this park. if you have a problem with me asking you this, then you call the police.”

The blue suit walked away and soon after two more blue suits appeared and asked me to leave the grounds. I didnt leave, I walked over the Central Library steps and waited for them to call the police, which never happened.

Homeless people have so much that they must deal with day in and day out, they have so much they must adhere to and comply with, why do they need to have something like a blue suit “nobody” bothering them as well and our the City of Los Angeles stand by and allows this to take place.

I continued taking pictures and I also remained in the area taking pictures of them bothering people and of the Central Library. As I took pictures of the grounds and soaked in all the beauty of the area, I thought to myself how very easy it would be for someone to simply pull up with a huge truck and force homeless people inside and drive them away to other parts of the city or even outside the county as well. making them the “problem” of someone else and some other city. I laughed to myself, because many places are already doing this very thing and they do it with the full support and participation of the police.

As I finished my pictures of the Central Library I walked down to Pershing Square. This is a large open park in the heart of Downtown LA. It too is also a place where homeless people sit during the daylight hours. As I walked into the park I saw a sign that says “Downtown LA’s Looking Up.” but I have to ask, who is it looking up for? Certainly not for homeless people at the Central Library who are being singled out and bothered by the jokes and fake ass cops in the cheap blue suits.

Once inside the park, the grass areas are lined off to prevent people (homeless people) from laying down and enjoying the nice green grass. However when there is an event in this park the grass is fair game for “housed” humans. The can bring their lawn chairs, blankets and all else and enjoy the park and the nice green grass reserved for them.

I had the chance to speak with some homeless men I met when I was on Skid Row. They sit in the park daily and are some of the coolest most aware and knowledgeable people I have met. In fact many of the homeless people I meet have more upstairs then the people who sit in the high priced lofts and elected offices that look down on them and seek to remove them from sight.

As I left the area I saw a movie company filming just outside the park. It’s always funny to me how when Hollywood comes to town the area they take over to shoot a movie is free from crime, filth, homeless people and all else. Why is it that we can “clean up” for a movie that will make millions, but when it comes to “cleaning up our act” few have time, money or is willing to put fourth much of an effort.

Once back home on the Westside I saw a homeless man sitting in the alley. Two people were yelling at him for sitting there. “You cant sit here. You are bothering us.”

I asked what the problem was. When they told me that they homeless man had asked them not to take a piss in the carport where I live, they got mad at him and started bothering him. Saying he had no right to say a “damn word about where we piss. He is homeless and doesnt count for shit.”

I told the men that the homeless man was in fact correct. They shouldn’t piss in the car part where I live. I told them there was a bathroom at the gas station where they are getting gas. Why dont they ask for the key? The reply was “we didnt know”

It’s funny to me how people who piss in the alley can say how a homeless person has no right to say anything, but it will then be blamed on the homeless person sitting there simply because he is there and since he is homeless he must have been the one who did it. So lets give him a hard time and yell, scream and call the police on him for something he may not have even done.

I talked to the homeless man for a while and he said all he said was they shouldnt do that because he would get blamed for it and didnt want any trouble from people who live in the building. he had done nothing wrong, but they proceeded to yelling scream and threaten him. They even started throwing pennies at him. The gas station was filled with people getting gas and many people were looking on whie this took place, but not one of them said anything about them attacking this homeless man or for pissing in the carport.

I went upstairs and got the man some clean clothes, new socks and some toothpaste. I tried to offer him a Do Something Kit, but he assured me he didnt need it and only took the items he needed. I talked with him for a while and made sure he was going to be ok.

Right as I was walking away this lady drives up and says “That was very brave of you to stand up for him sir. I saw the entire thing. Thank you for doing something.”

“You’re welcome, but why didn’t you do something. Where was your humanity for Gary? Where was your care for him? Have a nice day and let’s hope if you ever find yourself being bothered by someone who could cause you harm, someone will take action and not sit there and watch it take place.”

“Fuck you asshole” was her reply as she drove off.

As I walked past the trash can I laughed and said “Kick rocks”

Blogs from 2009 (February)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

It happened in 2009

• Posted by Kengi on February 4, 2009 at 8:30am

Where shall I begin? I mean there is just so much I want to blog right now. So many things and people I want to get up on this blog. There just isnt enough time and since I am going to the doctor this morning to get my blood work done for my HIV, I really have to keep it short.

Super Bowl Sunday

I haven’t been a fan of the NFL in a very long time and to be honest I am not a fan of it right now either. I really cant tell you who plays for what time or even who won or played in last year’s Super Bowl. No it has nothing to do with the fact that I was homeless, it has more to do with actually liking teams that are playing.

I grew up watching men like Terry Brandshaw, Howie Long, Tony Dorset and Walter Payton and other great players. Teams like the Dallas Cowboys, Washington Redskins and Pittsburg along with the Miami Dolphins and Denver Broncos. Let’s face it people, there are no coaches like Tom Landry anymore. I grew up with Monday night football on ABC. When in the world they did away with this is really silly to me, but hey what can you do right?

I was going to ride my boke pretty much all day and train for the AIDS/Life Cycle ride for which I am a rider, please sponsor me www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat . The Super Bowl was the last thing on my mind and the last thing I wanted to watch. C’on if it aint USC Football it aint worth it.

I had breakfast with Tina and Andy and then Andy and I went bike riding. I knew Tina was back at the home……I always get so tickled and this huge smile on my face when I say “home”….making some yum, yum goodness for the game. Once we got back and I saw the spread Tina put together I recalled as a kid how Ma would have this lavish spread and Pops would have the pit smoking all these meats and the house would be filled with family and friends. So seeing that got me into it.

Since Pittsburg was playing and they were my favorite team next to Dallas, I decided to cheer them on. I don’t even know which team was considered the underdog if either of them were. It was a great game with amazing plays and some awesome catches as well. I have never in my life heard the Star Spangled Banner sang they way Ms. Hudson belted it out. Then the boss at half time!!! Oh yeah baby I am glad I watched it.

Then Monday was waking up to three blood noses and then blood in my spit once again. this is something that happens a great deal. The bloody noses are becoming more frequent and lasting much longer. Spitting up and coughing up blood is also something that happens at least 5 days out of the week. Sometimes for short periods and sometimes even longer.

I know I need to see a doctor, believe me I know this all too well, but I also know that I don’t have medical insurance and free medical care is there, but quality isn’t something anyone can call it. Now if someone has lived their life only going to clinics and getting substandard below substandard care, then that is all they know and I don’t fault them for this. I fault our government and our leader who allow things like this to even be part of our nation. While some free clincs are better then other, none of them offer anything close to quality care. Shit people with health insurance barely get quality health care. Anyone without health insurance that doesn’t have their head in the sand knows that aren’t getting as well. They’ve just settled on what they are getting.

I’ve had over 11 Staph Infections, 7 hospitalizations, blood infections and yes even a heart infection. I’ve had doctors telling me “Mr. Carr there is nothing wrong with your heart” and “That’s just a spider bite” However I now know this is something very wrong with my heart and just like the treatment of my cancer doesn’t come from a clinic, care for my heart doesn’t come from there either. I love myself far too much not to fight to get into a doctor. So please don’t think I am not trying to go or that I am just too lazy or that I think I am too good for clinics. That isn’t the case at all. I am too good for lousy care. EVERYONE should be and we all should demand better.

Furthermore I am strong enough in my faith to know that all things that come to me aren’t from God, so pleas don’t even attempt to question my faith or my ability to know and accept what God sends for me. He knows very well that I am sick and he isnt going to send me things only to make me sicker. That isn’t the God I know, love and serve.

I’ve also been working very hard on the celebration for the month. It’s been very hectic planning that as it always is, but in the end it all works out. This year’s celebration is HUGE, not just for me personally because I can see all the personal and spiritual growth I have gone through over the past two year. My friend and brother Ryan has even noticed this change in the very way that I blog. Even in how I deal with things that come up and people that come against have changed. Again, I am far from perfect and I don’t claim to be, never have, never will. The bible says and not in these words aint none perfect but God” this includes the Pope, Bishops, Pastors and all else. NOBODY is perfect and WE ALL FALL SHORT. I will just say this like my Nana use to say. “You better say thank you to Jesus, because if I was like I was yesterday you might not be here today.” In other words there has been progress

I talked to so many people who have been around my life for a while. Some I was very happy to see and others I would have been happy to have never seen again. Just like child hood friends I grew up with……..excuse me, Kids I grew up, I wont make the mistake of calling them friends any longer, I would have been fine not seeing or speaking to them ever again in life, but all things happen for a reason ad from each one of them I have learned and grown. Opportunities for learning and growth is always sweet. Aunt Shirley use to say “Thrash that comes into your life is there to teach up to rise above and only sink to its level to put it in its proper place. The garbage, then you keep stepping.” I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, but now, this brutha is just like a dump truck.

I met with someone I met a long time ago, well about a year and half ago. His name is Alex. He has a wife and kids and they were homeless. At the time they were staying at Beyond Shelter, which should be called below shelter. The reason I say this is because I know several families who have been mistreated by this so called shelter. I know families who say much different things about Tanya Tull and who and what she is and how her shelter really helps people. Not from reading it but seeing it for myself. You see when you see things with you own eyes is hear things from the horses mouth, no one can ever convince your otherwise. You simply know and no matter what anyone says, you wont be convinced otherwise. This isnt to say a person or organization can’t change, but when it is aware and then refuses to change, then something is wrong. There is very little positive touch when it comes to homeless services. I think it as a recovering drug addict who recently said “who cares he is homeless” To him I say this “who cared about you when you were a drug addict. Something you worked at being. Something you sought out, something you still very much are. Who cared about you?” But since he is in a program he can say things like this, but he fails to see it was someone who cared for him, but he figures he wasn’t homeless. He just abused illegal drugs, but who cares right? He’s still much better then a homeless person. KICK ROCKS!!!!!
It was so cool seeing Alex and having the chance and time to sit with him and catch up with what’s been going on. Although we’ve stayed in contact, there was and is so much we missed in each others life and on out paths of homelessness. Alex is inside now and his family is well, kids are great and his beautiful wife is awesome, just like I’ve always known her to be. He is in film school now and wants very much to tell his story and the stories of others just like him and his family. That was such a happy day for both of us.

Denny’s served up breakfast for free this week and someone who is far more the just my best friend, he is my brother and I love him dearly went bike riding with me down to Denny’s to get out grub on. It was so awesome to see people I haven’t seen in such a long time. When I say LONG TIME, I mean just that. Like when I was like 7 years old and tey use to play with one of my sisters. WOW, that was cool. It was also cool to see people from Oakwood an area in Venice where I did the Million $$$ Ghetto Photo Show for kids. And to know they still love what I did for them of their children and really want me to do it again. I am so happy to know that it is in the works to do another Million $$$ Ghetto. How sweet.

Last night was a night for celebration for me and all the work I have done with the help of some pretty awesome people. Many were unable to attend the dinner last night because they are out of town, out of the country or had prior plans. However it was so cool to spend the evening with Tina, was has been working with me for almost two years and Eric and Willow, two people I am becoming very fond of and two people I respect very much. Dinner was great and although I changed the venue to a less spendy place, it was a place that has special meaning to me and I was happy with all who came out.

The night wasn’t over after dinner. Tina and I met up with Andy chatted out front or a bit then we were headed to The Brig in Venice. I love this place and on Tuesday nights they have a live Jazz Band with a DJ. SWEET. Ya’ll know I love me some JAZZ and not that Kenny G crap. I said Jazz, with a bit of funk and hip hop thrown in to give it a little more flava. We ended up talking with this cool and damn Goodling and sexy guy in front of JP’s and then headed inside for a drink. I have never been inside JP’s but I think it has been in Santa Monica for a while. The cool thing about bars in Santa Monica and Venice is they tend to have a “local” or “westside” feel and crowd. This makes places like this special and give places like Santa Monica something that others can only dream about. Style, Class and Community in a comfortable setting. JP’s was cool and I was happy to have a drink there on my special night for my special organization. THAT ROCKED!!!!
Thanks JP’s.

We then headed to Venice for the BRIG. If you guys haven’t been to the BRIG, you really need to check out. Tuesday nights are packed and the music is always slick and while the crowd tends to have this “A” list style of dress and look, the vibe is anything but stuck up and fake. The people are sweet and the music, did I say it was SLICK? In case I didn’t, the music is SLICK.

Th guy at the door was a little “ya ya” but it was very cool to see who I call “Big Man” as we walked out. He butted fists with me and asked how I was doing and said I needed to come back more often. My girl Christina and I loved this cat. He is cool and made going to the Brig FUN. Ok I can’t forget my boy Casey. My buddy behind the bar, Mr. Funny man, great smile and very cool personality. I consider him the best of the Brig. He makes everyone feel welcome and at home. Something the other bartenders really need to work on. Casey rocks and so does the BRIG. I was so awesome to end my night there.

While sitting in the back seat I thought to myself about all that I have been through, all that I have come through and all that I have stood up to and fought for. Not for myself but for people who don’t have anyone speaking up for them. I thought about women who sleep in allies because it is safer, gay men who get their asses kicked on skid row, not because they done anything wrong, but because they are gay and an easy target, I thought about the families I have met like Alex and Maliq’s families. I thought about people like have worked with me and continue to work me. I thought about people like Justen Carr, not my brother, but almost like one, a good one too and then I thought of the two people in the car with me. Andy and Tina, my friends, my brother and sister, two awesome people I will lay my life down for. Two people who since the time I met them have just been so damn awesome to me and my organization. To people who have said “so what, we love you and that’s all that matters.” Two people who call me out when I am wrong and two people that challenge me to do better, fight harder, live stronger and continue to push and press on, two people who wont let me fall or give up and even if I do stumble and fall they well be right there saying “so what Kengi. You fell down, big deal, just get up.”

In that moment I smile and though of all my new friends. Ryan and Moina, Eric and Willow, Justin, Tiffany, Sharon and Paul, Justin B Smith and Justen Carr, Tiana and Brian and I just smiled knowing that I am not only loved, but respected by some awesome people from all walks of life. Homeless and housed and for this I am truly blessed and inspired.

My life’s just FINE

The “Big Picture”

• Posted by Kengi on February 6, 2009 at 1:12pm

Sometimes we pay so close attention to the so called “big picture” that we forget about the details of quality of the smaller things that make the so called “big picture” even possible to look at in the first place. I happen to believe that in order for us to shape and mold the “big picture” we must first work on things that will make the “big picture” possible to see for everyone.

Now some of you wont get what I am saying here, just like many haven’t gotten what I am doing with the work I’ve created. Some people are too hell bent on making something wrong with my work and me, that they’ve lost sight of or never even bothered to see just how many people are being affected by what I do. Not just homeless people, low income families and people living with HIV and AIDS are being affected by my work.

I was just talking to someone a few days ago while out on my training ride for the AIDS/Life Cycle about how their perspective and overall outlook on homeless and who it can happen to has changed by simply reading my blog and watching my youtube channel. I also get emails and comments all the time that my work and “leadership” on this subject has had a major impact on their life.

www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat

“I don’t give homeless people food because they can go to a mission or shelter to get food” This is only partially true. Missions and most shelters do serve food. However it isn’t food that is held to any kind of health code standards. Food served in missions and shelters, just like food served in school lunch programs is unregulated to the Department of Health. Which means many times, if not all times, standards for safe food handling, quality control and the overall safeness of the food being served isn’t safe.

For example, food that is removed at the end of the night from establishments because it has reached it’s holding times and then becomes unsafe for people to eat because it could cause a case of food poisoning should never be allowed to be served to a homeless person. If it isn’t fit to be sold, then it shouldn’t be fit to be served. However there are exceptions to this rule and some and they are small, very small in number, missions and shelter will not serve such food.

Even with donations of clothes, blankets and other items designed to help the homeless or poor. Many people use “charity” as an exercise in cleaning out their closets with items that should go directly to the garbage. They fail to see how giving someone clothes that are dirty, filled with animal hair and yes even human and animal waste does not help anyone at anytime. They fail to see how they just added insult to injury, but they are looking at the “big picture” and will respond with “So what, they are homeless or poor”

Last night I was talking with Sharon, my friend from youtube, facebook, and she is also a valued member and contributor to this site, Project KengiKat. Please take some time to read her blogs or watch her videos.

We had been talking for a while and I was starting to get a bit hungry. I hadn’t eaten and I was beginning to get a headache. However I didn’t want to end the phone call with her, so I took her with me to the local corner store.

While talking to Sharon I saw this homeless man who is a Vet, standing outside with a sign asking for money to get something to eat. I stopped and asked.

“What would you like to eat?”

“Well I am trying to get money to buy my breakfast in the morning.” He replied.

“That’s cool, but I am offering to buy you something now. Do you want something now?”

He looked at me rather puzzled and then smiled and said “Sure, get me whatever you want.”

I smiled back and said “Come inside and pick whatever you want.”

He came inside and stopped at the counter to inform the man that the unopened water was his. The man behind the counter never even acknowledged him, so I asked the man if he couldn’t hear that someone was talking to him. He turned around and said “I know, I know.”

I told the homeless man to just got get what he wanted and to keep his water with him. I knew he didn’t steal it and I wasn’t going to allow anyone to say that he did. Now I didn’t have much money, so I knew I should wait until I saw what he picked before I would get something for me.

“Is this ok?” he asked holding up a single breakfast burrito.

“I don’t know. Is that all you want? Will that be enough?”

He walked back over to the deli door and pulled out another breakfast burrito and asked walked toward the drink area and got a bottle of Vitamin water. He grabbed the small one. At this point he walked back over to me and said.

“This is all I need sir.”

I grabbed a doughnut. I know that was the last thing I needed right? But I said I didn’t have much money and getting something for him is what I was more concerned with. I did have a warm place to sleep tonight and I have things there that I could eat, so not getting what I had intended to was no big deal. It wasn’t like I would no go without, like he may have.

See I wasn’t looking at the “big picture” by saying there are plenty of people coming in and out of this store, so I know one of them will get him what he needs. Nope I wasn’t looking at that “big picture” I was looking at, paying attention to and dealing with the “contrast and horizontal hold” right in front of me. I needed to adjust that in order to make the “big picture” clear for HIM, not me, to see.

“Thank you so much. God Bless you. Thank you, Thank you…….” He said as he shook my hand.

While standing in line to pay I asked him “Why don’t you go to the cold weather shelter near by?” I could see the look in his face and I knew it very well. It was the same look I would give when people did things for me and then acted like I now somehow owed them something in return, like listening to their lecture on how screwed up my life was and how much Jesus still loves me or how things would be so much better if I just go to the shelter.

See people think just because they do things for someone that gives them the green light to look down on or now become the judge of the person that are helping. They think this is their opportunity to give the person a piece of their mind and share some knowledge about homelessness that they know nothing about, but since they are buying things and doing you a favor by getting you something to eat or wear or money for the bus, they can now tell you how to do things right. Yeah, I knew the look on his face very well.

To be very honest, I didn’t need to know why he didn’t go. I know first hand what the places are like and I know first hand of what can happen there. I had only asked because I know my friend Sharon was on the phone and it might give her some insight as to how things really are. You see she has read my blog and fully supports what I do, but I wanted her to her what a homeless man, other than myself had to say and I wanted her to hear it from him.

“Sir, let me just say this…..I was homeless for 22 months, so I know what those places are like.

He smiled and told me the reasons why he doesn’t go to the cold weather shelter and I fully believe him because I know what he says to be true because I also experienced it as well.

It’s been raining here in Southern California and believe it or not it does get cold here. This man is a Vet and I personally feel that he should get automatic place to live. They’ve defended our country and allow us to feel safe and comfortable knowing that people are willing to die for what this country believes. There is absolutely no reason anyone in the US should be homeless, but I feel even more stronger about housing for people who have protected this nation and then get no respect or “protection” when they come home. But again, I am not looking at the “big picture” again. I am paying close attention to the details that help make the “big picture” better for ALL of us.

I walked home and got some items for this very cool man I just met. I had offered him to please come to the cold weather shelter on Saturday where me and volunteers would be passing out clothes and other items, but then I thought to myself. Why should I force him to wait or do something he just told me he has issues with and that make him uncomfortable? Why should he have to wait, when I have items I could give him right now?

I walked home and got him a warmer jacket, two t-shirts, two beanies, some sugar free candy and other items and walked them back out to him on the corner at the store. I was talking with Sharon the entire time and I even made a video about it as well. One of my roommates even helped out to giving me a bottle of water and he held the camera while I talked about what I was doing.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/how-to-help-homeless-people

Once I reached the man and gave home the bag of items he started to tell me where he was going to sleep and all I thought was, that was where I slept on many occasions. He told me how thankful he was that I had taken the time to make sure he was taken care of.

“Thanks for respecting me and treating me like a human being.”

I hugged this man very tight and I told him to hang on and keep on believing in himself and don’t ever give up that hope. I told him if he had faith of any kind to old fast to that and don’t let go. I thanked him for his service to this country and we went our separate ways.

I spoke to Sharon a little bit more and we exchanges our views and ideas on the subject and then went on to talk about other things. Sharon is someone I can honestly say I have a huge amount of respect for. Even though we are pretty much the same age, I think I might even be older, she just has this quality and feeling to her that reminds me of my Ma.

At the end of the day, I guess people are correct. I don’t see the “big picture” and the reason I can’t see it is because so much of the “big picture” needs fine tuning, so I’d rather pay close attention to the details of making the “big picture” better for ALL.

So I guess I am “persnickety” after all.

When LOVE shows up

• Posted by Kengi on February 8, 2009 at 9:00am

It all started because I couldn’t give up my shower space to a woman and her kids and it has grown into this incredible outreach with a mission to restore love, dignity, pride and support to those who have far less. I am very proud of what I have created.

Last night kicked off the 2 year anniversary of my efforts to try to help an support as many people as I can, through donations from people from all over the Southern California. It was once again, an awesome outreach with great volunteer turnout and support.

I knew I was already ahead of the game of this one because Moina and Ryan had already thrown this amazing party where they asked their family and friends to bring items for the outreach this month. The party was for Ryan and his trip back to the Philippines to continue his work. I had already seen the things that were donated, but I really had no idea until I saw the truck that was filled with clothes, shoes and food earlier this week when Moina came by to drop it all off.

Moina came with Pam, a friend of hers and Ryan and someone I had met a while at a send off party for Ryan when he first left for the Philippines. Again they had asked their family and friends to bring items for my Do Something Saturday outreach. This is where I met Pam. Pam is a sweet gentle woman with big heart and kind soul. I am so happy to call her friend. Pam is working on putting together an outreach for the Fresno area that will take place at a late date this year. Rest assured that Moina and I will be on hand to help and celebrate with Pam her family and friends when this event takes place.

Moina and Pam got to my place a short time before me. I was supposed to go have my blood work for my HIV done, but once again the silly nurse had made a mistake and I was asked to reschedule my appointment. It’s been over 7 months trying to even get in to the clinic, s now I guess I should be thankful that she is at least letting me see the inside of the building. Maybe in another 7 months I will be able to get my blood work done and the 7 months later see my doctor. In the meantime I will continue to seek out other places to make certain my HIV care will be addressed.

The back of the truck was filled with bags and a few boxes. There were clothes, shoes, toys, stuffed animals, canned food and items for Do Something Kits. Like I said earlier, I was at the party they threw, Andy and I both were there and I did see people bringing items in, but I had no idea just how much there was.

We took the items inside and placed them on my air mattress. For those who claim I am so well off, many people can tell you that I am not. I sleep in the dining room of my friends place on an air mattress and I am so thankful for this and to them for stepping up and saying “Kengi you can stay here.”

There was so much that the items covered the entire area where I sleep. I laughed to myself and thought “I might need to get on the bus to the cold weather shelter.” I joked out loud telling Andy that I was going to have to sleep with him and Tina. There was really a lot of things, so my training for the 2009 AIDS/Life Cycle would have to take a bake seat today ( www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat )

Moina, Pam and I talked about the donations and what all was there and I shared with Pam how I had planned to give all the donations to homeless people at the cold weather shelter which just happens to be a few short blocks away. We also shot a video of all tree of us talking about the donations, where they came from and who would get them http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/donations-and-how-it-all-goes

We visited for a while and then it was time for the ladies to be on their way and time for me to get down to the business of sorting through the donations making certain all items meet the guidelines for my organization. “Gently used” is the term I now use thanks to my friend Tiffany. Well I am happy to announce that what was donated was far better then “Gently used” There were many items that still had tags on them. Clothes were new or pretty darn close to new.

This one family really touched my heart with their donations or toys and childrens clothes. Never before had I seen such an act from one family. The things they donated were stellar. The clothes and toys were simply awesome and many had never even been worn. I was so moved by this that I had to shoot a video of it http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/love-still-matters

It took me a few hours to sort through all the donations that came in. While I was sorting I had to share what I as doing with people. Just like when I was cooking on movie sets, catering private parties or working from private families I always wanted to share it with people I loved and cared for. The same is true for my organization, only this time I see this as my calling in life. It is my “NIA” (purpose), so I am way more passionate about it and it is something I am talking about all the time. Someone once told me told me. “You talk about this so much people become immune to it and tune out” I think just the opposite of this. People are already immune and already tuned out and this is the very reason why it is happening in the first place. So I need to tune them back in. Caring for our fellow man is something we should never tune out of for any reason.

I called Tiffany and she and I had such a great time laughing and sharing what both of us were doing. “Oh my God Tiffany……..” I said and she would say “Kengi!!! Guess what?….” the conversation was simple awesome and I am so honored and proud to call Tiffany my friend. She too had been busy getting donations and rounding up items for the huge outreach my organization was about to take on. She had also gotten toys for the outreach to Childrens Hospital in LA that will take place on Valentine’s Day for children who are sick. What I have created all while I myself was homeless is awesome and I love it and I am damn proud of my work and all the hard work people have done side by side with me. WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

Saturday, February 7, 2009 5:30PM

All my volunteers were on time and ready to go be of service to those in need. It’s one thing to go volunteer at a food bank or “soup kitchen” but it is something entirely different when you yourself go out of your way for others. In this I mean, spending your money to get items, spending your time to round up donations and then spending your Saturday evening “Doing Something….that Means Something” to people in need and our entire community. In my book, anyone can go show up, anyone can write a check, but people who truly get it, who truly care and know what “CHANGE” requires and what it will take to turn things around in this country and the world, these people are willing to roll up their sleeves, get to the front line and take this fight to end homelessness to the front line where it is needed most. Bypassing organizations who’ve been doing it for decades only to see our homeless population continue to grow at a staggering and alarming rate.

Last night I once again saw what I saw when I was on the National Mall for the Inauguration of President Barack Obama. I saw people who not only see color, but they embrace it and honor it for what it truly is, the beauty of this nation. The content of a persons character, something that simply is and isnt bad. I saw people willing to stand up and support people who have less do it in love, with respect, honor and dignity attached to it. I saw people who not only believe in THE DREAM, but are willing to LIVE THE DREAM that will BE THE CHANGE that we all want to see. I saw the greatness of this nation and I am honored and blessed that when I saw this in these special people, my heart and soul got filled up with such joy and overflow of happiness that when we prayed at the end I almost broke down because all this good and greatness standing in this circle with our hands joined giving God thanks and praise for his mighty work, were all this and so much more, but they are my friends. They are my friends who “get it”

Being back inside the cold weather shelter was very different for me. The homeless people were still very respectful just like they always have been, but this time I wasn’t a guest that would sleep be sleeping there. I was a person who knows first hand what it is like to be homeless and knows first hand what it is like to sleep in the rain, be harassed by police, be refused a place to sleep because some worker has a bug up their butt, I know first hand what it is like to stand in line for medical help at a clinic at 5:00AM only to be told come back tomorrow and tomorrow never comes, I know what it is like to eat from a trash can because the food is far better then what is served at so called places that provided support, I know what it is like to have to beg for toilet paper to wipe my ass from places that have an abundance of items that are donated to them for people just like me, but refuse to give it.

This time it would be me walking out of the shelter saying “good night” and “goodbye” and I also knew what that feeling was like too. Wondering what their lives were like, were they going to eat some place, did they really care about people like me or where they just going through the motions.

I care with all my heart and soul, this is why I spend so much time planning, so much time creating and organizing and saying “no, that wont do” or telling myself “you can do better then this” This is why I am persnickety about donations and where I get them. This is why I am “snobbish” about who I will allow to come volunteer and who I will allow to donate to my organization.

Nana use to say “All that comes to ya, aint for ya, so you have to know the difference. The devil can make bullshit look pretty nice baby. Let God lead you and the rest of the mess will have n choice but to fall in line.”

Last night was simply AMAZING and the people who came to help me was simply AMAZING and the blessings that we were able to be for people who have far less was AMAZING and sent from GOD.

I want to express my many thanks and deepest appreciation to all who have donated items for my outreach program. I can’t thank you enough for what you have done, what you have shown not me or my organization, but the people who received it. You showed them love and respect. You helped to empower them, no matter how big or small you think it was (is), you empowered people with what you gave and I am honored by all of you and I say “Thank you so much and God Bless you.”

Andy Bales and his team who run the winter shelter program. Let me just say this. What you’ve done there at the cold weather shelter is truly amazing. It is far better then what it use to be, far more respectful and far more human then what I remember. Which goes to show you that when things are done in love and with GOD at the center, CHANGE is very possible.

Danny I am proud to have met you and I am so looking forward to working with you again there at the cold weather shelter. It was so encouraging to see with my eyes all the positive changes that have been made there. All the steps taken to make people feel HUMAN, loved and respected. Your staff is over a million times better then what was once there. I watched as they spoke with homeless people and how they treated them with respect and great care. Please keep up the awesome work and progress you have started, it may not seem like it matters my brutha, but take it from someone who was homeless for 22 months. This like pillows, pillow cases, clean sheets, and smiles really do matter and they ARE empowering to people. I thank you, your awesome staff and Andy Bales for all your hard work.

Eric, Willow, Patrick, Krystal, Tiffany and Moina, words cant express how very honored and proud I am to know you. Nor can they express just how much you have filled my cup and given my new hope, new joy, new strength, new energy to continue on with this work that I have been picked by God to do. I cant express how good it felt to stand with all of you last night and truly go the extra mile to those in need. As I looked around and saw each of you smiling, laughing, joking and bringing joy and positive touch into lives that may not otherwise get it or see it, my heart filled with joy.

You treated this people like they were your friends and family. You demonstrated love in the fullest. Not just any kind of love, but UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You showed me that I have some pretty awesome friends who are willing to make personal sacrifices for others and that my friends speak volumes to the kind of HUMANS you truly are.

Many people talk about CHANGE, talk about integrity, talk about love, talk about friendships, brotherhood and community, but I am so honored and happy to know I have some friends who not only talk about it, but they are willing to stand up for it and work towards it.

I am so honored and blessed to have each of you in my life and honored, proud and blessed to call you all not just my friends, but my brothers and sisters…..my family. Thank you all so much for all you’ve done. I bow.

Our goal and plan is to return to the cold weather shelter in a mighty way with a mighty blessing for the men and women there in March before the shelter closes. We want to be a huge encouragement to the men and women there so that they will hold on and hold out, so they will believe in CHANGE and believe in themselves.

Please visit my webpage for the events for the rest of this month.
www.dosomethingsaturday.org

….Just like you planned it”

• Posted by Kengi on February 12, 2009 at 9:30am

During homelessness for 22 months I was told what to do, how to do, where to do, when to do, and when to do it. If I even thought to do things my way, there’d be hell to pay.

“So what, he’s homeless” is what someone said not long ago. “Who does he think he is” is what was told to me by Ervin Munroe from Skid Row Housing Corporation and “You’re thinking and speaking is backwards” I guess he thought I was going to just sit there and allow him to speak to me any of way, simply because he was sitting in what he assumes is a position of power and authority over me. Since it is very clear from the way cities and states are passing laws that make being poor and homeless a crime and he clearly though because he fake oak desk was supposed to impress me, he just knew I would sit still and allow him to abuse me the way he attempted to. Just like Scott from the AIDS Service Center also tried to tell me “Dude you’re homeless and you don’t have no options. Skid Row is all there is for you. You should be glad you talking to me right now.”

Well I didn’t bow down and I didn’t allow them to look past, walk over or brush me away like I had some how disturbed their gay world by being homeless. It was almost like they both were telling me “how dare you be gay, homeless and have the nerve to ask for better then the rats nest that we’ve offered you.”

It’s not who do I think I am, it’s who I KNOW I am and who I KNOW is STILL in control. The doors were closed to me for a reason. God had something far better for me then what Scott and the AIDS service center and Ervin Munroe and Skid Row Housing could ever offer ANYONE. God showed up with LOVE, PEACE and RESPECT. These are things you don’t get from these two men, unless you’re willing to bow down and kiss their feet. Well the last time I checked they had not a heaven nor a hell to put me in and since they weren’t controlling my destiny I allowed them to claim their so called victory by putting the homeless man in his place. LOL.

I don’t miss the days of having to deal with people like these two men and I cant stand the fact that others have to endure their abuse and disregard simply because they have their fancy panties on too tight and it has made them think they are the ones who are in control.

Yesterday was what I call an “off day” for me. Not “off” like I was in a bad mood, but a day where I did things for myself, with someone I wanted to do them with. Not because I was being forced to dance a jig just to get a bus token to the next jig to only spend the day doing the jig all over town and walking out with less then what I arrived with.

I was up around 6:30AM. I made some coffee and ate a bagel, then I checked my emails and around 8:30AM the door bell rang. It was the sweet post lady and she came a big box in here hand. I wasn’t expecting it until today-Thursday- but as I opened the door and saw her smile and she said “Mr. KengiKat” smiling and I said “Yes Ma’am”

The box was from North Carolina and it was a gift, not for me, although I did do my “I got a present dance” but it was for my homeless friends. Yep that’s right, my homeless friends. Anya who is someone who watches my youtube channel and someone who believes in what I am doing took it upon herself to go to the store and purchase tems to make Do Something Kits and sent tem to me. She could have spent her money on other things, but instead she make the choice to be of service to people in need. Now I know you’re saying “she could have done that right where she lives” and you’re right, she could have. However she said she knows the situation where she lives and she feels there are services available, but here is Los Angeles, the homeless capital of the world she knows people are in need of help.

The box had 10 Do Something Kits in it. 5 for women and 5 for men. I already knew she was doing this because she asked if she could help out in this way. But when I got the box I was still so moved and touched by it because it just goes to show me that what I am doing is still regarded as good and is still loved and respected by people. I also know I am still loved and respected for who I am, what I do and how I go about doing it.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/i-got-a-present

This was so cool. To wake up and have my day start off like this was awesome and what took place the rest of the day only made it so much better.

I already knew I was hanging out with my friend Tiffany and we were going to work on things for my organization. The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation and the Do Something Saturday outreach program. Tiffany is someone I met a while back but recently she has become my “angel” and friend. Not them kind of friends who bring their ego around and then throw it at you when they get mad, but a real friend.

Even though it wasn’t a training day for the AIDS/Life Cycle for me
www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat
and click on the orange box that says “donate to support Louis” I was still on my bike. I didn’t get the free bus pass for this month because I knew I could pay for one with the money I get from Welfare. Well I should say the money I use to get. Money I am “entitled” to because of HIV. But that money never made it to my benefits card because HIV expires at the end of each month for me and I must be recertified. Now, since I am no longer homeless because someone has provided me a place to live, my needs are being met and I am no longer eligible for the whopping $221.00 per month in cash aide and $146 in food stamps. So my donated bike (thanks Kalvin) is my way of getting around now. HA HA, look at how good God is. Man said NO to money to support myself and buy a bus pass which was a NO to transportation, but GOD stepped in and provided transportation that allows me to train, get fit and stay healthy. Now that’s what I call an ON TIME GOD. Baby he even provided the transportation before the bus pass from the previous month expired.

I rode my bike down to the Santa Monica Farmers Market on my way to Venice to meet up with Tiffany. I wanted to share with people who read my blogs and watch my videos just how sweet Southern California is and why I love Santa Monica so much.
http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/santa-monica-farmers-market

I got to Tiffany’s right on time, in fact I was a bit early even with the stop at the Farmer’s Market. We were meeting at 12:30PM and I arrived at 12:20PM. Kuger was hard at work on his laptop while Tiffany and the little ladies greeted me with a smile and barks. LOL. Kuger is her fiancé, he aint no cat. Cool KAT yes, kiddie cat, no. LOL. Ya’ll like my play on works there with KAT?

We talked for a bit and Tiffany made some eggs, toast and a smoothie. YUMMY. We talked a bit more and then got ready to head out. I am so glad we did because they day was awesome. Not just because it was sunny, but we did have a great time and even helped people in the process. Chilling with my girl while being of service to others? PRICELESS!!!!

We stopped at a local Head Start in Venice and nailed down the location to take the donations of toys, educational items, books and other sweet treats. I am happy to announce that the Head Start meets all the requirements I have set. Be on the Westside and provide service to low to extreme low income families. YEAH. Doing Something rocks.

I had about 60 granola bars that were donated by Patrick and Krystal, two more sweet friends of mine, also new in my life, but just like Tiffany, they are ANGELS and I am blessed to know them and call them my friends. So we walked towards Venice beach talking and laughing all the way.

OMG, while Tiffany was speaking on her cellie, I saw road rage right in front me from two drivers speeding in a residential area near a park and Head Start. How lame were they? There are Black and Latino kids playing in this Ghetto that you’re speeding though White people, slow the hell down. LOL. I mean.

Tiffany takes some really cool and awesome pictures so it was an added bonus to spend my day with her and take pictures with her as well. Venice is a picture safari at every turn and we were able to soak it all in. Well most of it anyway.

We met some really cool homeless people, one with a guitar and a gurney and another who had missed her calling to be a stand up comic. We saw homeless sleeping areas that had been rained out washed out and were drying out. But in all of this the homeless people we encountered were very kind and gentle. Not like what most people say they are. Since I was homeless for 22 months I already knew that no all homeless people were bad, low down, stupid, worthless, drunks, drug using, crazy, scamming pieces of crap like many “house dwellers” like to think of us as. But it was so sweet to be able to share that with Tiffany.

All the homeless people asked “who are you with” and when we replied “Do Something Saturday” they said “But it’s not Saturday” we laughed with them and shared our love and our granola bars, smiles and time. Sometimes just talking to someone and allowing them to feel like they matter does a world of good. More then most who work with homeless people could ever know, because they are far too busy and consumed with finding ways that hinder…oops I mean help homeless people and setting up programs and places that disrespect….oops I mean show them to Christ, that they are too busy to care. I have plenty of examples of what my organization what be and what it wont do and the type of people I don’t ever want to be part of it.

Yeah, yesterday was a sweet day and I spent it with a sweet friend doing some sweet things for sweet people, taking some sweet pictures of all the sweet things on Gods sweet Earth, in his sweet universe. How sweet is that?

The day with Tiffany was coming to an end and right as it did God showed up and smiled down on us saying “well done they good and faithful servants” He showed us his awesomeness and his smile by giving us just a peek at how wonderful he sill is. We saw a rainbow and that made us smile.

I jumped on my biked and headed home. HOME, something people thought they could prevent me from saying ever again. I headed home and as I did I passed out the remaining granola bars on 3rd street and made my way up Arizona singing a song by CeCe Winans called “Alright”

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/alright-1

As I rode my bike back HOME again God smiled down on me and showed me his smile.
After I stopped for a moment to take it all in I smiled and started singing again then made a short video of my day with my friend Tiffany.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/ride-with-me-part-2

In the words of my homeless brutha, Ug. (I am not sure how to spell it, I didn’t ask and I cant spell anyway)

“HAVE A GREAT DAY. JUST LIKE YOU PLANNED IT. GOD BLESS”

I am HIV positive; please support me in the 2009 AIDS/Life Cycle from SF and LA. 545 miles over 7 days.

www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat
click on the orange box that says “donate to support Louis”

Shriners Hospital for Children…….PRICELESS

• Posted by Kengi on February 15, 2009 at 9:00am

This past week has been awesome on all fronts. Tiffany and I did a one on one outreach at Venice beach and I was even able to find a place in Venice where I will be able to donate items to a Head Start program that caters to low income families.

I am happy to announce that my training for the 2009 AIDS/Life Cycle Bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles is going very well. I am currently up to about 53 to 56 miles when I train. My current pace is about 10.63 miles per hour. So far I have raised $406.00 which is 4% of my $10,000 goal. I must raise $3000 in order to ride in the bike ride.

AIDS/Life Cycle 8 is a 545 mile bike ride over 7 days from San Francisco to Los Angeles t raise much needed funds for HIV and AIDS. I am HIV positive, but HIV isnt the main reason I am participating in this ride. I am mainly riding in support of Universal Health Care here in the US.

Please help me reach my goal, by sponsoring me today in the 2009 AIDS/Life Cycle 8 from SF to LA. www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat and click on the orange box that says “donate to support Louis” I must raise the $3000 by May 30, 2009, so please pledge your support today and encourage your family and friends to so the same.

The most exciting thing this week was the fact that is was the second weekend of my month long celebration for my organization and it’s outreach efforts to those in need. The celebration kicked off on February 3, 2009 the date of the 2 year anniversary with a dinner with friend and supports at El Cholo’s Mexican Restaurant in Santa Monica.

The first weekend was a huge outreach to people in the Cold Weather Shelter here in West Los Angeles. There is anywhere from 150 to 175 (on a cramped night) people at the cold weather shelter and I was very happy to be able to provide them with some comfort by providing clothes, socks, cookies, soap, love respect and smiles through donations from people who believe in me and my program.

The outreach was attended by my friends and supporters Patrick, Krystal, Moina, Tiffany, Eric and Willow. Together we tried our best to provide a bit of “light” to people who a dealing with the harshness and grim reality of homelessness. It was an awesome evening and time well spent helping people who are in need.

The cold weather shelter is ran by the Union Rescue Mission of Los Angeles. I was able to reach out to Andy Bales the CEO of the mission who I know and he was pleased to allow my organization this opportunity to be of service to people in need. I must say that conditions at the cold weather shelter a far better then what I recall it to be. The staff is polite, respectful, courteous and kind. Something that was greatly lacking when it was ran by Volunteers of America. The new check in system was greatly improved as well. Homeless people were issued what appeared to be a ID card that was scanned when they entered. Another awesome improvement was something that most would consider very small and even not necessary, but for homeless people staying there I am sure it is greatly appreciated. This was a pillow and pillow case as well as clean linen.

There was also a area which allowed people to watch TV and relax for a while is they wanted. Cots were already set up and ready when homeless people arrived so there was no scurrying trying to find a cot, find you blanket, and rush to the slop line while getting yelled at by staff every step of the way.

The cots still disgusting and many are still missing parts which can still be very uncomfortable to sleep on. The cots are provided by the military, but hopefully Mr. Bales and is staff can use some of the large amounts of donated funds towards purchasing new cots should they run the cold weather shelter again next year. Another thing that can greatly be improved is the blankets that are provided. I am very allergic to the blankets provided and so are many others.

In all I expressed to Andy Bales and Danny how much better the conditions are and how much more respectable the place is being ran. I congratulated both of them on the awesome progress toward restoring dignity and respect to people who are considered “criminal” by many people and most cites, not for breaking laws that are fair and just, but laws that target, single out and harass simply because they are homeless.

This is still the United States of America and homeless people are entitled to having both civil and personal rights respected at all times just like anyone else in this nation. At no time should any organization be allowed by trample on the rights of the poor or homeless simply because they feel they can or simply because they have a respected position in fancy places with fancy people doing fancy things for nobody but other fancy people and then tossing crumbs and garbage to those who seek their assistance for support through poverty and homelessness.

The second weekend of the celebration was slated for USC Children’s Hospital. However Linda the woman who coordinates volunteering and donations for the hospital was slow getting back with me to set up the actual event. Actually after leaving her several messages on voicemail and with people in her office for which she is the supervisor, she never returned my calls. Once I was able to get her on the phone she seemed bothered that I would even ask to be of service to children and families.

“Mr. Carr you left a on a voicemail that I don’t always check and don’t always get messages from. Also we don’t allow people to visit with the kids or their families. It is against hospital policy.” She suggested I simply show up and drop off the donations at the security desk and they would make certain they would get to people in need.

After 22 months of homelessness and seeing first hand what goes on with donations that are simply dropped off, this wasn’t an option and would be a huge slap in the face to people who have donated and to the people who had already arranged their calendar for this event.

My friend Moina suggested Shriners Children’s Hospital also in Los Angeles. I called the hospital and I spoke with Elizabeth and she was awesome. So much more helpful and considerate of people who are simply trying to be of service to those in need.

Not only was I able to get the event scheduled for Valentines Day like planned it just so happened that Elizabeth was able to offer the same time we had already agreed on with people who would be volunteering for the event without me even mentioning it. How sweet was that?

Do Something Saturday “Be My Valentine” kicked off rather early for me. I got up and once again went though the clothes and stuffed animals making sure they were in good condition and would not offend anyone. One of the things I have always asked for from people who donate is that the items be still of value or use to them. If you are throwing it in the garbage, please do so. Poor people and homeless people don’t want it and you’re not doing a service by giving it. You’re being both arrogant and rude when you do so.

Eric and Willow arrived right on time with bagels and we had a little time to visit while I finished getting ready. We then loaded the car and headed out to be of service to families in need.

We met up with Patrick, Krystal, Moina, Tiffany and Sara at Shriners. We were greeted by Francis who was so amazing and very kind. She was our guide as well as our interpreter for the entire visit. She was a wealth of information and helped the families feel relaxed and comfortable with our visit and donations.

The facility of Shriners Children’s Hospital is nothing sort of wonderful, awesome and beautiful. There is a calmness and comforting spirit and feel to all aspects of the facility both inside and out. After speak with Elizabeth on the phone I was very happy that things didn’t work out with County USC Children’s Hospital and once I was inside this very awesome hospital I knew I made the right choice and God was all in the planning.

The hospital seems to have gone through great lengths and has worked very hard to address all aspects of patient care from accessibility and affordability right down to the paint on the wall. I can’t say enough about the staff and services offered to families who happen to have their child’s care provided there.

The patient rooms are spacious, bright and open; the beds are well kept and maintained. I didn’t notice not one chip in paint or tear in furniture. Outside each room were hand sanitizing stations and the art on the walls was awesome. Many times basic things like this are overlooked and neglected when a place offers services to people who are poor and might not be able to pay. Not only that but, the quality of care is also neglected. I know this first hand from being someone who has to know turn to places like county hospitals and clinics for my health care needs. I should say lack thereof. If not for the grace of God and my cancer team I would have died long time ago if I had to depend on places like county hospitals and clinics for my cancer treatments.

The families were so happy to receive the gifts we were able to provide them and I could tell my friends were so excited and happy to have taken a small part of their Saturday to Do Something for others who are in need.

This was a very special day for me, my organization and my friends. It was a great day to show love, share love and be support to people who need it, nit because they asked or are expecting it, but simply because people do care and are willing to demonstrate the level of their care without regard to a person’s personal situation.

We shared a little time after the event talking about our time there and also I was able to share some things I am working on for the rest of the year. Some of the things will bevery much things I have already done, like the Easter Feast, the Photo Project and the Free Hugs Picnic.

Shriners Children Hospital is now one of the places that my organization will do outreaches for on a regularly. If you would like to be part of the outreach to this awesome Hospital that does some amazing things for kids and their families then please be sure to visit the website at www.dosomethingsaturday.org and look on the calendar to see the nest time we will visit. You can also send me an email to enquire about plans for the next visit to kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org

If you would like more information on Shriners Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles please visit http://www.shrinershq.org/Hospitals/Los_Angeles/

You may also contact Elizabeth directly to enquire about volunteering, supporting as well as donating for this worthy hospital

Elizabeth Dever
Public Relations Department
Shriners Hospitals for Children – Los Angeles
3160 Geneva Street
Los Angeles, CA 90020-1199

Phone: (213) 368-3376
Fax: (213) 639-3400
E-mail: edever@shrinenet.org

In close I want to express my many thanks and gratitude to all who have donated and all who came out to volunteer for Do Something Saturday “Be My Valentine” outreach to Shriners Hospital. You donations and efforts were greatly appreciated and I am humbled and honored to have been able to provide this service to children and families in need all though loving support from people like you.

Do Something Saturday will kick off the third week of this month long celebration Friday February 20 at 1:00PM at with donations of Do Something Kits to people living with HIV and AIDS at AIDS Project Los Angeles.

The Do Something Kits will be given to my case manger and passed out to people who are living with HIV and AIDS. If you would like to donates items for kits or donate full kits please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org and click the tab that says Do Something Kits.

All kits must be received by Thursday February 19 by 4:00PM. You may also email me at kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org

If you make a donation through paypal please make certain to place in the notes of the donation that you are donating for Do Something Saturday “Poz Life” outreach. Also please be aware that my organization is not currently a 501c. You will receive a thank you email and acknowledgement of your donation of this blog as well as how it was used on both Project KengiKat and my youtube channel.

Thanks for your continued love and support of my efforts.

DO SOMETHING SATURDAY~ that empowers people

Willing to DIE for this

• Posted by Kengi on February 17, 2009 at 2:51am

Ok so training for the AIDS/Life Cycle is taking up a great deal of my time and this is also a huge month for my organization, so my time to blog and read other blogs has been at a slow down. I have received the emails and all the warm wishes from people asking if I am ok. The answer is “Yes, I am fine.”

My Sickle Cell still bothers my a great deal, but with the increase on bike riding and other exercise it seems to bother me a bit less, or it could be that I am just too tired to even pay any attention to it. I guess it is safe to say my head is focused on training and the outreaches that are left for this month and looking ahead to March as well.

I’ve also been getting pulled in a few different directions. For the past few days I could here Ma’s voice saying “Be still baby” so, I’ve been doing just that. Here lately there have been plenty of offers from people to help me financially with my organization and even a few to help me personally with some financial help as well.

Nana use to say “all the glitters aint gold, and those who say they only want to help are only there to cause you harm.”

So I’ve been listening to the words of wisdom I recall from Nana and from Ma and I’ve been waiting on an answer and I will continue to wait until I here from God. Now I know people will say. “how do you know it will be God?” or “How do you know his voice?” My answer is always this “well I know he aint talking through you, that’s for sure.”

I had the chance to speak to my friend Sharon the other night and I also read her blog. I also got an email from my friend Forah and I am so glad I heard from both these awesome women. Sharon and Forah are two of my made up and make believe friends here on Project KengiKat. They cant be real friends because I am just way too stupid and ignorant to have any real friends or people in my life, so I have to make them up. “That’s pretty sad isn’t it.?” (Kick rocks)

Ok, so Sharon did a blog about how things are affecting her and how her doctor made her feel and after speaking with her, (yes my made up, make believe friends call me too) I was able to discover that she too is just like me. Hates it when people make assumptions or think they know something about you just because they read it or someone told them, when in reality they don’t know shit about nothing and even if you told the, they still wouldn’t know shit about it.

After a while Sharon and I were laughing at things in our lives that we are able tolaugh at now, but at the time when we were going through them they were very hard, very tough and even now the subject of such things brings back such memories that we would rather forget. However we both know that they a key parts to our survival and make up parts of the amazing people we are today and we both are thankful for them. Some people wont understand this, because they are too busy looking for something to be wrong or trying to find a hole in something they know noting about.

I then got an email from Forah and she is dealing with the harshness of Chemo and and what it does to your body and how your energy is so slow at times and the times where you feel you like you wont make it to see another day. As I read her email I began to cry a bit, because I recall days when I have gone through Chemo or radiation and the things it takes out of you and how you feel so out of control of things that you are so use to being in control of.

Her email was very encouraging and very inspiring to me. In fact both women were just that. From both women I drew courage to press on and move forward and I also took time to stop and encourage them to do the same. God never promised us an easy road, but he does promise to be there every step of the way. Right there in the middle as you go through your storm. Even when the dark of night seems to never want to break, God is right there with us, working it all out for GOOD in the end. So no matter how heavy the burden, how rough the road or how high the mountain, we must keep pressing forward knowing that all the while he is with us right there in the middle all the way.

As I went out on my bike ride the past few days I have been stopping at the Venice Pier either on my way back or on my way out for my ride and I try to use this time to soak in all that God has for me and all that I am trying to do. I try to keep things into perspective and be at peace with God and his plan for my life.

This past week I have come to some very clear understandings about how things are and how people are. I have also come to the understanding that some people are so set in their ways that no matter what I say or do, I will always be wrong or incorrect and judged. This is fine, I can deal with that, because I know at the end of the day, when it is all said and done, I know who I am and what I stand for. I know the truth and many others do as well and they will stand and shout it out. I also know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper, so I will not fear any man at any time and I will not bow down to attacks against me or my organization.

Who I am and what I have created are awesome and amazing and no one can take that away from me, nor can they take it away from the people I have served and the people who serve with me.

Training for the AIDS/Life Cycle has been pretty hard. Not because I am not up for the task or that I feel I won’t be able to complete the ride. I know I am up for the task and I know I will complete the ride if I am able to do it. I must raise $3000 in order to be able to do the ride. 99 and a half won’t do.

Tonight I was talking to a “friend” who claims to “love” me and “care” for me, but he tells me that I should just move away because I am not getting HIV Care here in California. To hell with the fact that I have a great cancer team and other doctors in place, I am only lacking an HIV doctor. I also now have a place that is awesome and for the first time in a long time I feel like things are alright.

This “friend” told me that they would never the needs of others in front of their own. “This is just stupid and foolish Kengi” is what I was told. You have to take care of you and to hell with other people. You are inside now and you need to let this whole “save the world” campaign go. “you are sick and you need to step back and take care of you.”

I had another “friend” tell me “Kengi, I have been homeless and I have bled in the streets before, I have even been beaten up, but it’s not that bad.”

“You’re not going to be able to change things Kengi. You are only one person trying to take on something that is much larger then you and it wont change over night. So why waste you time in the first place.”

Well first of all, this has never been about me. It’s always been about others and how it just isn’t right to sit by and allow things that are wrong to go unchecked simply because I am just one person who YOU feel cant make a difference. I cant sit by knowing that woman are sleeping in the alley because they feel safer then in a shelter. I can sleep knowing that someone in this county is dying from AIDS because they cant get in to see a doctor and some child is sleeping in the rain because his mother is afraid to go home for fear of being beat. I cant rest when I know young kids are being thrown into the streets because they are gay or lesbian. I cant sleep because someone who is so well respected in high places by fancy people with fancy cars and fancy pants doing fancy things with fancy people, but throwing people who are poor with kids into the streets with no place to go because they are fancy with a fancy name and a fancy corporation. I cant sit by and allow this to happen.

However they are right, I am only one person and there are times when I feel like no one cares, not even the people who say they are my “friends” There are times when things get so hard and this battle seems like it isnt worth my time, especially now that I am off the streets, have a place to live and I am still sick. Why should I care? Why should I try to stand up to corporations with big bucks to hire fancy lawyers to defend their low down dirty deeds and still come out smelling like a rose when I know and others know they what they do is many times very wrong, harmful and in some cases even deadly? Why should I care? That doesn’t affect me now right?

Sojourner Truth: Abolitionist, Minister, Ex-Slave, Woman’s Right Activist
Mother Rosa Parks: Refused to give up her seat
Dr. Martin Luther King

All individuals willing to stand up for the greater good and suffer the outrage, hurt and harm it would bring to them and their families, but still willing to do the distance not for themselves but for what was right for ALL.

So I won’t give up, I won’t settle, I refuse to accept less then what is right, I will not buckle or bow down to people just because they think they are better then me or anyone else for that matter, I will not stop believing and living the dream because it doesn’t fit into the circle of some or the powers that be, I refuse to go away and shut up, because you don’t think what I have to say it right or worth hearing. I will not be intimidated by laws that single out, oppress and harass. I will not turn a blind eye to abuse of people who are suffering for HIV, AIDS or any other deadly disease while agencies and their CEO and employees abuse them, I will not shut up, I will not sit down and I will not be forced to do so by people who think they know more, have more and are worth more then me.

I will continue to raise my voice in protest to speak out against things that are wrong, I will continue to say “NO” to places that try to treat homeless people like crap, I will continue to push for HIV and AIDS health care for ALL people. I will keep the dram alive and I won’t let it die simply because you think it isn’t cool, sexy or the right thing to do.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, “I may not get there with you, but we will reach the promised land. I am willing to die for the rights of homeless people, poor people and for all my brothers and sisters who battle all disease alone with no medical support for ANY community.

I refuse to believe that simply because someone is homeless that they don’t matter and aren’t worthy of love, respect and dignity at ALL TIMES. I refuse that people lving with HIV and AIDS who are poor and/or homeless have access to quality health care and housing options because I know they don’t. I refuse to think only about me, because this isnt about me, has nothing to do with me and I wont make it about me. It’s much bigger then me and this is why you don’t get it, because you cant get passed the YOU.

I know I wont be around to see the bigger changes I am willing to work hard for now, the change that I am even willing to give me life for NOW. But I am comforted with the fact that in time maybe, just maybe, someone will look back and say. He cared that much about me that he pushed this hard and gave his life for me?

I am trusting that God will make a way out of no way, just like he always does and I don’t care if he does it for me or even if I get to see it come to pass. All that matters to me is that I am willing to stand up for CHANGE now in order for their to be progress and peace and comfort for my brothers and sister who are poor and homeless and battling all kinds of hell at the hands of places that don’t give a damn ran by people who dint give a damn and for all my brothers and sisters who will die fighting things like HIV and AIDS because you were too busy to care about anyone other then yourself. You were too busy getting all the can, canning all you get and sittin on the pot to poising the rest.

If you wanna know how important this is to me, then let me tell you this. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for it. I am willing to give up everything for it. I am willing to die for it. CHANGE requires work, real work from people who know what hard work is and are willing to die for it.

That’s how much I believe in the DREAM. That’s how much I believe in CHANGE. How much do you believe in anything other then yourself?

In the Midst of It All

• Posted by Kengi on February 21, 2009 at 3:25am

The past two days have been filled with so much to do and so much to get done and to be quite honest I haven’t been feeling like being of service to anyone other then me. I have been feeling a little sick for the past few days. My Sickle Cell is bothering me and for the past two days my test has gotten a lot tighter and it feels like a MAC Truck is setting on it. I went to sleep rather early the past few days and the fact that my pain level is much higher then normal I was still able to get rest. It’s just hard to get started in the mornings.

Given all this I must still press on and do what I have set out to do. I have been vigilant in my efforts to bring this month to a close in a really good way for the 2 year Anniversary of my organization and I think I have done a damn good job. Along with the help of some pretty cool people who are willing to do some very awesome things for people in need.

This week my goal was to clean the toys for the Head Start program in the Oakwood area of Venice and do my best to get the toys over to them., I was also hoping for a box of books from a friend that never arrived, so I made arrangements to get more from some place else. I am happy I didn’t give the director a set day and time that I would be delivering the items because I would have had to change this because people don’t always follow through and being of your word really doesn’t matter to anyone. Especially when it comes to helping poor and homeless people.

I also needed to complete the “begging” for donations for items for the outreach for people living with HIV and AIDS. I think someone called me an “e-beggar” That made me laugh and so I am officially the “e-beggar” for the poor and homeless. LOL.

Well the “e begging” paid off pretty nice. I was able to get my friend Anya from North Carolina to send out 10 Do Something Kits. Five for me and five for women. I was also able to get two donations from Justen from Australia, so together with his cash donation and mine I was able to spend about $98 on supplies for Do Something Kits.

On Thursday Andy and I spent a part of the day out biking riding as part of my training for the AIDS Life Cycle 8. During the ride we stopped at the 99 cent store on Wilshire and Fairfax to get the supplies for the Do Something Kits.

I am not sure how long the bike ride was, but it covered cites and areas such as West LA-twice Century City -twice, Beverly Hills- twice, Mid City area, The Fairfax District, Mid Wilshire and West Hollywood With stops at T-mobile, the 99 Cent store, K-Mart and Rite-Aid. It also included pictures and a video of the ride. Please look for them on the Project KengiKat network.

The supplies and donations were for my outreach to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES to support people living with HIV and AIDS. While my Do Something Saturday outreach has always offered support to people with HIV and AIDS through homeless outreach this is the second outreach specifically aimed at supporting people with HIV and AIDS directly.

I have been HIV positive since April 3, 2008 and I am fully aware of how HIV and AIDS is taking the lives of people each and every day. As a Black man I also aware that HIV and AIDS is the number killer of my brothers and sisters and we account for 49% of all reported HIV and AIDS cases in this nation, so it is with this that I will do what I can to be support to people living and still dying from HIV and AIDS.

Moreover I pledge to be a powerful voice and more vigilant for a push for a National Heath Care program system in this nation because my life of my people as well as the lives of others depend on it. I pledge to be more active and to seek out new and creative ways to raise awareness for people who are poor and homeless as well as my fellow humans who are suffering through HIV and AIDS.

I will especially be vigilant and very aggressive to seek out and push for more positive resources and services that better serve the poor, homeless and those living with HIV and AIDS. Our current systems in place have long failed and it is wrong fro us to make believe that some hocus pocus and “secret” will make it better.

I refuse to get excited about parks in Downtown Los Angeles when people who are poor and homeless would better served with affordable housing and not a park they will not even be allowed to enter or enjoy. I refuse to get upset over the fact that I am not able marry who I might fall in love with when HIV and AIDS is killing off Blacks greater then anything else in this country. I refuse to embrace the silly concept of “I don’t see color” because it is ignorant and only seeks to erase the beauty of ALL cultures that make up the unique diversity and richness of not just this nation but the entire world. Furthermore the concept doesn’t correct, address or solve the underlying program of HATE and racism. It only makes us the same and to be very frank, I don’t wish to be like those who only seek to make me like them so they are comfortable.

People in the gay community have told me that I am preaching to the choir. Well maybe if the Choir was singing with one unified voice that brings forth services and programs that serve ALL the community rather then those who can afford them. Maybe if outreaches, fundraisers and services that are inclusive instead of separate and unequal and exclusive were offered to ALL and again not just those who can afford it, then the Choir wouldn’t need to be preached to. Maybe if we spent more time on things that save lives like stopping HIV and AIDS instead of bullshit like Folsom Street Fair and White Parties that do nothing to serve the entire gay community and promote a HEALTHY and HONEST outlook on what our community truly is. GREAT and WORTHY!!!!

I’ve also been told by Black business’s and radio stations that things like HIV, AIDS and Homelessness isnt something they are talking about “right now” Well when the hell are we going to wake up and see that if we don’t talk about it and if we don’t start and take time to care and heal our community that no one else will give a damn since we don’t.

Maybe if Black men with would stop this down low crap and wrap your dick up before you stick it some place our Black women would not be exiting this earth at an alarming rate because we aren’t MAN ENOUGH to be a MAN. Maybe if Black churches would care more about the Black community like is use to instead of who has paid tithes and offerings to purchase that 7th Benz that Bishops don’t need in the first place we could use this money to educate, house and care for our brothers and sisters that are poor and homeless and dying for HIV and AIDS.

Maybe if all of us would place ego in the garbage where it belongs and stop allowing so called friendships and alliances to things that serve no purpose and no good, then maybe we can TRULY usher in the CHANGE that we all talk big talk about, but when the times come for us to work, all we do is talk trash and try to bring down those who are willing to work for it. To many people are only about talking about change but only care for getting all they can, caning all they get and sitting on the pot to poison the rest.

Today I was happy to be of service to people with HIV and AIDS and even though I didn’t feel like it and once back at home I only felt a bit worse and my pain once again got far worse, I know if I had to do it all over again, I would get up and do it. Why? Because it is the right thing to do and sitting around waiting for someone else to do it isn’t an option for me and for many others for that matter, because SOMEONE is ME and it should be YOU too.

I love what I have created with my outreach program. I am proud of the work it has done and the people it has served. I am proud of the people who have come to donate and volunteer for my efforts to be of service to other who are in need. I am honored and blessed by people who truly “get it” and aren’t just going through the motions in hopes of getting some reward or applause from someone. I am honored by people who continue to stand up and help me with my efforts for unselfish reasons and those who refuse to allow their ego and all the crap it brings.

I am honored and blessed to call people who truly EMBRACE and EMBODY the CHANGE this world needs and are WILLING to WORK HARD at it against all odds, my friends and I am honored that they know fully what friendship truly means and what a friend truly is.

I am honored and Blessed to still be standing even after all I have been through and I am know I am doing pretty damn good because I can still find it within me to care and care enough to make up for all those who don’t and still smile in the face of adversity. I am proud of who I am and who my parents raised me to be. I am proud of all my work and I am proud of my life because it is blessed and it is STILL successful and no weapon formed against me or my work will prosper.

Thanks to all who donated to the outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS. Justen, Anya, Tina, Andy you donations served and helped me provided 31 Do Something Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES for those who are living with HIV and AIDS. Thanks very much for helping me with this outreach. YOU ROCK

God Bless

What is HIV?

• Posted by Kengi on February 21, 2009 at 1:00pm

This was a question I was asked by two different people while I was standing in front of the Whole Foods in Brentwood this morning trying to get people to sponsor me the Life Cycle. “what is HIV?” The first time I was asked this question I thought the person was kidding, but after seeing they didn’t crack a smile or break a grin I was shocked. The second time I heard it I was just shocked, but to be honest I wasn’t all that surprised.

The first people who asked this question were an older couple maybe in their late 70’s, but the second person was a young girl and a student at UCLA. In both cases I was had to tell them what HIV was and once I told them they said they wouldn’t be interested in helping fight it.

“I support animal rights and awareness issues” is what the young lady from UCLA told me. “We are on a fixed income and don’t want to spend out money on things such as this” was the reply from the older couple. I always knew people cared for animals more then humans and I know we are in a pretty sad economic state of affairs in this country, but how in the hell do you not know what HIV and AIDS are?

Most of the people I spoke to didn’t even bother to take the card saying “I don’t have time for that” and “That isn’t an issue I am concerned about.” WOW

This just lets me know that we aren’t doing enough to make people aware and educate people about HIV and AIDS. We seem to be doing a better job at promoting things like “let’s not see color” and “Folsom Street” then important issues like HIV and AIDS and Universal Health Care right here in the US.

I’ve got about 87 days to raise the required $3000 in order to ride in the AIDS Life Cycle. So far I have raised $411. I’ve set a personal goal of $10,000 because I know I am able to raise far more, people just have to care enough to make a donation.

Today I came to the realization that getting people to donate, even people who I know can afford to sponsor me for the entire $3000, heck even the $10,000 still have not made a donation toward my ride, so just like finding care for my HIV, like many others in this country who don’t have care for their HIV and AIDS, finding people to sponsor me to help me raise the money for the ride is just as discouraging and this causes me great concern.

However, one thing I am not and that is a quitter. I will continue to try to raise the funds for the ride and I will continue to believe that I can raise the money to ride, just like I will continue to believe that I will one day soon have a HIV doctor who cares and I am able to see in order to stay on top of this disease that is the #1 killer of Blacks in this country.

Today I learned that even with the progress toward educating people about HIV and AIDS, we still aren’t doing enough and people are not just uneducated about HIV and AIDS they are completely ignorant and oblivious to it as well.

This is a sad state affair in the so called race to find a cure for HIV and AIDS. One would think that people shopping at a place such as WHOLE FOODS would be educated and enlightened about issues like HIV and AIDS, but apparently they are no different for the people like me who can only afford to shop at the 99 cent store.

Does shopping at Whole Food and buying all organic count toward CHANGE? (LOL)

Michael and Trish from Whole Food in Brentwood, thanks very much for allowing me to stand in front of the store to try to get people to support me in my efforts to raise funds and awareness for HIV and AIDS. Trish, thanks very much for the cool conversation and words of encouragement. This means a lot to me.

Just as a footnote, I want to express my thanks to Tina, Andy, Anya and Justen who helped me with my outreach to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES on Friday. I was able to deliver 31 Do Something Kits http://www.dosomethingsaturday.org/do-something-kits.html to people living with HIV and AIDS.

http://projectkengikat.ning.com/video/what-is-hiv-i-was-floored

The Miracle of Gods LOVE and GRACE

• Posted by Kengi on February 23, 2009 at 11:30am

This past weekend was pretty awesome for me and my organization. It’s cool how God always steps in and says “Not to worry. I am still in control”

Since I had moved the outreach for Saturday to Friday in order to be able to deliver 31 Do Something Kits to AIDS Project Los Angeles, I quickly made plans to use the free time to try to find people who might want to help me raise funds for HIV and AIDS by donating to my AIDS Life Cycle 8 bike from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

The AIDS Life Cycle is a fundraiser benefiting the San Francisco AIDS Foundation and the Gay and Lesbian Center here in Los Angeles to raise money to help find a cure for HIV and AIDS. It’s a 7 day 545 mile bike ride. However you must raise $3000 in order to ride in the AIDS Life Cycle 8 and as of Friday night I had only raised $411 toward the required $3000 in order to ride. Now I have set a personal goal of $10,000

Saturday I got up ad went to Whole Food, since Michael the manager said it would be cool for me to try to get people to support this cause by standing outside the store and asking people to support me in my efforts. I was shocked when a couple maybe in their late 70’s and a young lady who is a student at UCLA asked what HIV was. Please check my blog for this one. LOL

I passed out all my cards and I had many people say they would donate, however I was really discouraged by the whole things because of some of the things that came out of people’s mouth. Also please check my blog for this.

My friend Pam from Frenso donated five really cool hat for women, so I took the time to put together 5 Do Something Kits for these women. Even though I spent what spent what little money I had to purchase things that were lacking from the kits and I was able to add a little more. My friend Moina had also donated some cash so I was also able to get these ladies some bottled water and Chicken Sandwiches from Jack in the Box.

Since I needed to go out for a bike ride I decided to head to the 99 cent store on Wilshire and Fairfax. I picked this one for a few reasons. One I could get a decent ride in, two it has a great selection and three I knew some ladies that I haven’t seen in over a year and I wanted to be of service to them. Although I was hoping after a year they would be in housing by now, but it took me well over a year and mine came from people who believe in my community work and love me, so I knew the chances of them still being in the same area were pretty darn high.

I stopped at the 99 cent store and picked up the extra items I needed. I was able to add a box of breakfast bars to each kit as well. So now there was granola and a fruit bar in the bags. Plus I would be able to get them something to eat.

Judy and Dickie were right where I saw them last time. Sitting in the bus shelter waiting for their other friends. When I first arrived with the Do Something Kits it was Just Judy, but she assured me her friends would be there soon. I knew they would be because the look out for each other.

Judy remembered who I was right away and she even remembered my friend Christina as well.

“Now I for your name, but the sandwiches you and your friend prepared were just spectacular.” She said as I handed her the five Do Something Kits.

“Have you eaten Judy? I was going to by you guys some burgers from Jack in the Box.” I said

“Thanks nice Kengi, but we don’t eat beef.”

“Would like Chicken then?”

“You mean we have a choice?”

“Yep”

“Kengi that would be so kind of you.”

I jumped back on my bike and went to Jack in the Box and picked up five Chicken Sandwiches for the ladies and once I got back my other friend Dickie was there with her big bright smile.

The ladies were very happy. I asked them if they wouldn’t mind shooting a video to say thanks to those who had helped to make the outreach to them possible and they said sure. Please check the Video Row for their vid. I sat with the ladies for a bit ad then the other women joined them. It was getting late, so I said my goodbyes and told them to take care.

I got back home and visited with my roommates for a bit before I fell asleep. I was really beat from the bike ride with Andy from the day before and on the way back I rode with some guys who are also training for the AIDS Ride but are poor like me and my not be able to go because like me they may not be able to raise $3000.

Today (Sunday) I got up early because it was supposed to rain and I really wanted to see if I could make it to the Malibu Pier. While it was cloudy out, it really wasn’t that cold, in fact I stopped and took my pull over off.

I traveled down Montana until I got to Ocean and went left towards Venice. Once at the Venice Pier I made the u-turn and headed for Malibu. I jumped onto to Pacific Coast Highway and rode that to the Malibu Pier and then headed back to Venice before I headed back home to West LA

Once inside I checked my email and saw that someone from Whole Foods had made a donation towards me AIDS Life Cycle. I returned emails, sent out some donation request emails and called my buddy Christina to see what she was up to. I then had a snack and took a nap. The cool thing about the day was I had the chance to get some ride time in for the AIDS ride and I was also able to be of service to people who are in need.

On a side note, Judy did ask me two things. One about housing for her and Dickie so they can be off the streets, so I made a video about that as well. But also I am asking friends and people I know who might have a room for her and Dickie to rent.

The last thing Judy requested for was help getting a cell phone. Well I told here that I might be able to help her out with that. I use to have a secret Santa Claus who provided me with free cell phone with $10 in minutes on them so I could provide them to homeless people.

Well Santa Claus called me and said he would be making a trip from the North Pole and asked if I knew of good boys and girls that he may have missed over the Christmas Holiday. As I spoke with Santa on the phone I smiled and though of Judy.

Judy will have a cell phone by the end of this week. How awesome and sweet is that?

Big thanks to everyone who helped to make this outreach possible. Pam, Moina, and Anya you guys rock. Together we all were able to make some homeless women feel some love from people who care and also make their horrible situation a little bit better.

If you would like to sponsor me in the 2009 AIDS Life Cycle from SF to LA, please log on to www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat

If you would like to help with Do Something Saturday please log on to
www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Blessings

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME……

• Posted by Kengi on February 24, 2009 at 8:30am

Monday was a pretty quiet day and I must say it as nice I wanted to go out for a bike ride, but the pain of Sickle Cell prevented me from doing this and I also needed to wash my clothes and clean the area where my bed is.

I also really needed to spend some time returning emails and making some calls with regards to finding people to help me raise the required funds in order to do the AIDS Life Cycle 8 bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. It’s 545 miles, 7 days on a bike, but I must raise $3000 or I will not be able to ride. So I spent the better part of my day coming up with a letter and packet t hand out to local business owners here on the West Side.

Other then this I ad no grand plans for Monday. I was happy and excited to have received a huge donation of $550 from a friend. She was kind enough to split the donation for me. $250 towards my AIDS Life Cycle 8 Bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles which brings the total money raised to $681.00 towards the required $3000 I need on order to ride. I have set a personal goal of $10,000.

The remaining $300 she said I could use for the Do Something Saturday project. For those who aren’t in the know, my Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people project is the outreach for the organization I created, The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation. The organization is named in honor of my grandparents. I created the organization and the outreach when I was homeless. February 3, 2009 the organization celebrated two years of community service. In fact I am still in the middle of the 2 year celebration right now.

The $300 will be used to file for non-profit status. I am hoping to pick up the application and all the papers that go with filing articles of incorporation filled out and ready for the mail by the end of this month. I feel this would be a great way to end the two year month long celebration.

I also used Monday as a relax day for me, since Sickle Cell was sending me a clear message that I needed to take it easy, I did just that and stayed in for most of the day. I got some laundry done and managed to finally get around to cleaning most of the toys I have for the Head Start program in the Oakwood area of Venice.

Mostly the day was spent looking at all the photos I have taken over the past two years. There are so many photos and in looking at them I can see why people say my skill with taking photos is very good. To be honest, people have said they are great. However I just think they are ok.

Some of the pictures bring back things I don’t care to recall, but are a vital part of who I am and what I have been able to make it through despite the many obstacles, road blocks, dead ends, sink holes, people and places that tried to stand in my way. If you don’t know me, you should know this. The only thing I will allow to stop me is God and myself. Homeless and all the hurt, disrespect, stripping and breaking down that it does to a person was very difficult and all the agencies and services that are in place aren’t doing that great job that we think they are. Right here in Los Angeles County we only have to look at the ever increasing number of homeless people in our cities to know this.

More importantly I used Monday as a day to prepare myself for the HUGE honor of being asked to speak at the University of Southern California. (USC) There is a young lady who came across my youtube channel and took an interest in what my videos were about. Unlike most, she didn’t ask “what’s the point” or “you’re just lazy”

I got the email from her not long ago and on February 19 I received the official invitation to come speak to two classes in the on campus. At first I took the entire thing as a joke and with a grain of salt. You can imagine how many times I have been told, I want to interview you, let me help, I want you to come speak or meet me here, only to have it turn out to be something that was simply a joke to someone or something that only was a distraction from the path I am on.

I fell in love with USC long before I knew I would be a student there. There was just something about that campus I instantly fell in love with from the very first time I saw it.

When I was homeless some constant good things in my life were my faith that refused to allow me to give up or be defeated by homelessness and the others were things I had over 50 fist fights for. Yes I did say fist fights. I may be gay and at times I may even sound a little soft, but don’t let the smooth taste full ya, I aint no punk and I will kick your ass if you try to take something that belongs to me. My laptop and digital camera were my life lines, my connection to a world that was quickly passing me by, leaving me behind and caving in on me. The other was what I prayed and begged God for nightly.

“Take it all way from me Lord, take all that you need to remove from my life away. Give any challenge or task to me and I will still bless your name and serve you. But dear God, PLEASE don’t take my mind, PLEASE don’t take my JOY. PLEASE GOD, don’t take my mind and my JOY away from me.”

While I was homeless picture taking replaced old hobbies I had from the “good life” I had before. Some nights I had to take pictures to keep myself awake as I walked the streets and other times they became the only record I would have. My laptop became my trail of my life, should anyone ever care to see what became on if, just in case I wasn’t able to make it through this dark time in my life.

Well it is only by the grace and favor of God that I am still here and still able to say. “Thank you” and still able to raise my voice in protest against the wrongs homeless people are forced to endure simply because they are homeless and not many care. I have also now been given another task that I will never be able to say “I am done” and that is the task of educating people about HIV and AIDS.

As I have emerged from homelessness, shattered, but far from broken, wounded, but God and time will heal me, I am encouraged and uplifted with huge honor of being able to speak to people who want to hear someone as broke down as me.

I use to take pictures because I had to for many reason and last night I stayed out because I wanted to for many reasons.

AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD

USC…Courtney from Alabama, NON-PROFIT…….FIGHT ON!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on February 24, 2009 at 7:43pm

USC…FIGHT ON, Courtney from Alabama and NON-PROFIT

“Nothing succeeds like success” and it is very important that we what success is and where it comes from.

Today as I mentioned on my blog from this morning I had the opportunity to speak at USC today. This came because someone watches my youtube channel took a real interest in what I have to say and what I am trying to do.

My friend Tiffany picked my up to give me a ride over to campus. I was going to ride my bike, but my legs are a bit sore, so pushing myself would not have been the wise thing to do and not a smart training approached for the AIDS Life Cycle 8 either. So I was excited that Tiffany was able to give me a ride over to campus.

I got a bit choked up this morning when I was getting myself ready. I cried a bit and this wasn’t because I was sad, but the fact that once again God was showing my his favor and had opened a door that others would love to see closed and locked to people like me. Once again God showed up and said “I got this” and once again I hear his voice telling me “stay the course because your labor is not in vain” and once again my soul got happy and I began to cry. Just like I did the morning of my 40th birthday

Just like my mission hasn’t been about me today wasn’t about me either. It was about asking people to look inside their hearts and try to find compassion, understanding and humanity for people who don’t normally get these things extended to them. Today was very much about the CHANGE most of us voted for. It was about the electric energy I felt and saw while I was in Washington.

People like me don’t get opportunities to speak to a audience such as the one I had the pleasure of speaking with today. When we see homeless people in TV there are either saying nice things about places like missions and shelters or they have been abused by hospitals, missions, shelters and the general public. It isn’t often that someone like me is given the opportunity to lift my voice because what I have to say doesn’t matter because I don’t sing the praise, nor do I hold such places like missions and shelters or places like Skid Row Housing Corp, AIDS Service Center or Harbor UCLA Medical Center in such high regard. Therefore messages such as mine are squashed, frowned upon and push aside because the message doesn’t fit into the cookie cutter pattern that we’ve all been trained to believe is the only way and is working so well

Even with all the advances and steps forward we’ve made, many people still have this “backward thinking” way of believing that homeless people are stupid, screw ups, drug users, crazy and drunks. If they don’t fit one of these categories then they liars. With the way things are going in cities like Santa Monica not only are they all these things and far more, but they will pass city laws preventing people from feeding homeless people and then say “It’s a health and safety issue” or even laws that prohibit people from speaking and then call this “aggressive panhandling” but they will allow street merchants to yell, scream, curse at chase and verbally assault tourists and residents simply because they have paid some silly fee to be able to do so. We as the general public then turn a blind eye because we have this “better them then me” way of looking at things or “they don’t deserve to be here”

Today I had the opportunity to share a side of homelessness that is never looked out or considered. I had the opportunity to speak directly students who may very well be one day serving people just like me. I had the opportunity to share things that places like Beyond Shelter is never going to tell them. I had the opportunity to express concerns that people like Ervin Munroe feel are unimportant and “backwards” I had the opportunity to tell a side to homelessness that is never told. I got to tell about the many things that aren’t in place. Not because I read it on PATHS blog, but because as a homeless man for 22 months I had to seek out such services so I know first hand and so do MOST homeless that these services aren’t that easy to come by and you must endure abusive workers and even be kicked out of housing with your 9 month of child. Not because you’ve done something wrong, but because you’ve pissed someone off.

The opportunity to speak today at USC was such a huge blessing and the people I spoke with were eager to listen, HEAR and learn and for the first time I am encouraged by people who are about to enter a field that affects many Americans for many different reason and there are many different ways to be of service to such people. The one size fits all way of doing things isnt working and it has never worked. The reason is because each person is an individual, not some lump of stats and figures that someone sat in some office and came up with.

Homeless people are just that. PEOPLE who deserve respect just like people like Tanya Toll and Ervin Munroe will feel they don’t have to respect anyone who isn’t “fancy” and “respected” as they are by a bunch of people who homeless people put into office

The kind words, jokes, smiles and hugs I received after speaking today were so encouraging for me. They were very much uplifting and a huge encouragement. My prayer for these students is this. “Please always try your beast to remember that the person you might be offering help to could very much one day be you. So treat them with respect and care at all times, even when they don’t return it. Try to remember that the person in front of you is HUMAN and has feelings. If you cut them, they will bleed the same red blood that we all have. Try to take into consideration that maybe your day day isnt even half as bad as their last hour. Consider that the person sitting in front of you may not reach out for help ever again. Try very hard to think of that person as you and then act.”

Positive touch is something that is no longer allowed from service agencies. I recall when I was being accepted into Padua House my Ma had recently passed and I just could not stop crying. The director Maria was well aware of this, but she was as cold as ICE, she even threatened not to let me enter for her mistake, but I would have to shoulder the blame for this.

In 22 months of homelessness I experienced positive touch from three people. My nurse at Padu House when I came in from Ma’s funeral. I saw care and concern in here eyes. She got a cold rag to wash my face, she hugged me and encouraged me to hold on a little while longer. “Don’t give up Kengi, don’t you dare give up”

The other came from my case manager. She hugged me and said “Kengi, tomorrow is a new day, so you hold on and stay strong. You’ve come so far Kengi, don’t let this prevent you from moving forward”

The other came from an AIDS educator. “where are you Kengi? I can come pick you up. You have to be strong and just hold on.”

HUMANITY needs to be very much part of training for people who go into the field of caring for homeless people and those living with HIV and AIDS. We’ve come so cold and removed that we don’t see that this does more harm then good. We cant see that smiling at someone or a pat on the back or a hug can make the difference in a life that’s here today, but gone tomorrow because we were too busy being “fancy” and making up silly rules like HIV and AIDS paperwork that expires when we all know the only thing that expires is the person who HIV and AIDS kills because we are too busy having meeting over simply shit like paperwork and when it should expire instead of fighting to save the life HIV and AIDS is taking away.

Alyson and her awesome students, thanks so very much for allowing me to take time from your day to speak to you about homelessness, HIV and AIDS. Thank you for listening and thanks for HEARING me. But most of all thanks for taking the time to care. I so look forward to see each of you at a Do Something Saturday outreach and ever the chance to speak to you as a group or individuals about homelessness, HIV and AIDS.

My organization is growing and I could really use some Trojan know how to get this job done.

Tiffany and Tina, thanks so very much for taking the time to come support me today. Tina you have my heart and I trust you with my life. You and Andrew have been my friends when I had none, you are my wheel in the middle of the wheel. You are my strength and my will when I get weak and discouraged. You two are my family and I am blessed and honored to have you both in my life and I praise and thank God for you both.

Tiffany, you just hold on tight baby girl and allow your energy to grow at a pace you can keep up with. I don’t know what God has in store for you, but I know it is good things, you just have to allow him to lead. It’s hard, trust me I know just how hard it can be, but trust in him and he wont lead you to a dead end. I am so honored to know you and blessed to call you my friend.

Courtney

Today I got home there was a box at the top of the steps. I smiled so big, because just like me friend from youtube had given me the opportunity to be of service on the other side of homelessness, HIV and AIDS, here you come bringing a brotha back to the side I am so proud and honored to work for and be of service to.

Your gift of items for the Do Something Kits is awesome and I am so inspired by you and what you have done. Just when I though I would not be able to smile any bigger, have my heart and soul filled anymore, here you come and pour on some more of Gods grace, mercy and blessings and my cup is now overflowing

I am reminded of how God said he would open the widows of heaven and poor us out blessing we aren’t able to receive and I recall the song I use to sing in out church choir pour down on me Lord. Send it down on me. Soak me, cover me with your blessing so that I am able to do your will.

FORAH

My sweet angel. You started the showers of love with your HUGE donation for my AIDS ride and the one that will allow me to move this organization forward with a more steam by filing for non-profit status. The friendship, trust and spirit of sister and brotherhood that we share is God sent and I am blessed by it and many will be blessed as a result of if

I don’t know about ya’ll, but aint no rock, gonna cry out for me. There is work the FATEHR has for all of us to do. We all just need to ANSWER THE CALL.

My life was and is very successful. However, my life now has “nia” which means purpose and once you know what your purpose in life is, the small crap don’t matter.

LAST, but most certainly not the least my friend and my SUSTA. The woman who made USC possible because she took the time to care and then speak to here professor.

Shammeer

I cant even express to you how much you’ve had a major impact on me and my life. I am so honored to have an angel like you hovering over someone as broke down as me. YOU inspire me. I can not wake to give you a huge. YOU SO ROCK BIG BAGS OF CHIPS

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH

YOU ROCK

When the pain is just so much for me

• Posted by Kengi on February 26, 2009 at 1:46am

Today was such a really good day. I had the time to speak with friends and I even had time to spend alone. I don’t get much time when I am alone, so when I get these times I try very hard to focus only on me.

My pain from sickle cell has been getting pretty bad there are times when I just cry because it is more then I am use to managing. This week I’ve really tried to work much harder at dealing with so much pain and there are ties when I do fairly well. Tonight isn’t one of those times.

For about a day now there has been a tingling in my left arm and just like wen I was at Harbor UCLA my left foot is completely numb. They told me it was because I was in bed and have not been able to move around. When I told them about the sharp pains in my neck almost like my vain is being ripped from the inside, I was told it was all in my head and nothing was wrong.

My face and head swelled up while I was there and they said it was something I had eaten, even though I hadn’t eaten a damn thing. The inside of y head feels very much like some has placed a air conditioner inside it and they’ve set it to freezing. There are popping noises in my head right now and it feels like my head is going to burst. My left arm is numb and it is very hard to get my fingers to do what I command them to do. It’s almost like I am sending the single but my body doesn’t get it so it is out of sink. Way of out sink.

I hate being out of control of my body like this and I also hate that I cant take care of myself. I hate not knowing what’s going on with me and it’s in times like these that I feel some hope slip away, I start to feel like my life is slipping away from me and I cant even hold on to it and since I am poor and not able to afford to pay for s trip to the ER, for them only to say “well there is nothing wrong with you Mr. Carr.”

Tina, Andy and Jason are right ere and I know they love me and care a great deal for me, more then people who have been in my life forever, but there is nothing they came do for me. There is no point no point in going to the ER only to have them treat me like shit which will only serve to make me feel that much worse.

It’s times like these where I will beg God for rest. Not just for a few hours or the night, but rest for my soul that is so tired at times and right now my soul is very tired, but I know this isn’t his plan for me, so I just pray for the courage and strength to endure it because in my heart I know “this too shall pass” I just have to lean on him and allow his will to be done.

When the pain is just so much for me. I pray harder and I hold on. I know God will make a way for me just like he always does

Being Sick and Poor can be deadly

• Posted by Kengi on February 27, 2009 at 11:00am

Wednesday night was rather rough for me. My Sickle Cell kicked into high gear and what I though was my allergies has turned out to be an eye infection. There was no point in going to the hospital for my Sickle Cell or the eye infection for that matter, because hospitals aren’t up to speed on how to treat Sickle Cell. Most times they simply offer me oxygen and morphine for the pain. The infection in my eye would have been treated like allergies ad I would have been sent by a doctor only briefly to hear “Mr. Carr your labs are fine, go home and relax.” I will later get a bill for $10,000 or greater. KICK ROCKS

If you would like to know more about Sickle Cell Disease please visit the group I created for this painful and deadly disease I have. I feel this blog is perfect segway into medical services for people who do not have medical insurance, poor and/or homeless in the United Sates. Since I “fit the profile” of someone who is without medical insurance, poor and formerly homeless, I feel I am just as qualified to speak about this subject as someone from some health care agency or facility or even the called experts on the subjects.

As a kid and for most of my adult life I had medical insurance. I don’t recall what t was as a kid, but I know I never heard my parents complain about it and I was in and out of many hospitals and had to see many doctors and specialist growing up battling Sickle Cell. There were also the trips to the ER as well. Since I was “100% boy” as Ma use to call me I also had my share of bumps, scrapes, stitches and broken and cracked bones as well.

For most of my adult life the same was true. I had Blue Cross and I never worried about something as minor as going to the doctor and having to be in the hospital. At 21 I was first diagnosed with cancer and this is really where I learned first hand how very important is was to maintain great health insurance. I battled cancer 4 times with medical insurance. The 5th time battling cancer there has been no real change other then the fact that I no longer have health insurance. It is only be the grace of God and the kindness of my cancer team, primarily my cancer team leader who told me.

“Don’t worry about, we will figure something out. You cant stop treating your cancer because you cant pay and you’re right, simply going to a clinic for treatment isnt an option.”

My cancer team has watched me battle through homelessness and the fact that I have had to sometimes deal with the Chemo and radiation with no place to stay. They have also been in contact with places like missions and shelters, they even called Harbor UCLA to find out what had went wrong with my HIV treatment and why I was “dumped” to a facility with no medical services in the state I was in. Just like me they never received an answer or a call back.

My cancer team even called Padua House and spoke with the director Maria to see what was the hold up for them getting me in since I had already been accepted. Maria told them she was busy checking in others who were before me, she had no assistant and she would be off for the weekend, so I would just have to wait. She would call next week to set up an intake appointment. Maria called over two weeks later. Padua house is for men with HIV and AIDS. Now how’s that for quality care?

According to Medi-Cal I am not sick enough to quality for help from the State of California. I must have a AIDS Diagnoses to even be considered for help from the State. In order to qualify for other programs like ATP (Ability to Pay) I must get a reject letter from Medi-Cal. Even though the guide lines are very clear with getting care from Medi-Cal, I still need to get a letter that says I do not qualify.

When I was diagnosed HIV positive the Welfare worker came to the hospital and I filled out all the paper work and she left me a benefits card then. However when I asked about Medi-Cal she told me the hospital worker-Jenifer Murry should have already taken care of this. Jenifer hadn’t done a damn thing but be a constant hemorrhoid in my ass.

I had to ask for her to come see me and that took days to happen even though I was told she should have already been in to see me. Even my nurses asked me “has anymore come in to see you?” the answer was always “No”

The same is true with my meals. Even though I was on a regular diet, each and every day for a matter of days my food tray was fruit, carrot or celery sticks, cottage chesse, jello juice and milk that I can not digest. “Why haven’t they fixed your tray? Hasn’t someone from the kitchen called or come to see you?” again the answer was “no”

My hospital record will show a Head Scan, this is because I was left holding onto a window seal when I was taken to my room and left there before I feel hitting my head on the floor. I was told I was only on the floor for a few minutes. However the nurses had no idea how long I was on the floor, nor did they know I was even on the ward, they didn’t even know who I was, where I had come from and even said I had to leave.

I have stayed in other hospitals as well. Santa Monica-ucla-Medical Center for about 6 days with chest pains and I was later told there was nothing wrong. They arranged no medical support and no place for me to stay once I was released. I even collapsed hitting my head again the elevator door and had to be taken back to the ER where they released me. “Nothing is wrong Mr. Carr. Go home.” This is the ame hospital that refused to take me when I was being transported from Venice Family Clinic in Venice after I had passed out during a medical visit there. There was an IV left in my hand from and that I would later have to have pulled out by an unskilled shelter worker at the Cold Weather Shelter in West Los Angeles.

My HIV care is been anything but care. It’s been over 8 months since I have had my blood work done and I have tried very hard to get in to see the doctor. I am on the waiting list at other care clinics. Places like the Gay and Lesbian Center and even AIDS Project Los Angeles have been no very little help and have provided very little HIV support.

Being homeless here in Los Angeles or any place else for that matter can be very lethal. When you add things such as a cold and the flu and allow them to go untreated or poorly treated and see what will happen. Allow something like HIV and AIDS to go untreated and I bet you dimes to nickels that people will be turning out dead by the thousands. But hey they are poor and homeless, so why gives a damn?

My eye infection feels a bit better today. There isn’t much puss coming out of it anymore, but I will continue to soak it in the tea to keep pulling the infection out of the eye. I am also going to keep resting and allowing my body to heal. So this means going slower then I normally go. It doesn’t however mean that I will come to a complete stop.

My Sickle Cell is back to my normal manageable pain level and I feel pretty good. I am still I little worn down, but at least I am able to move around much better now and I was able to get plenty of rest last night.

I have already left two messages from the nurse at 5p21 and she has still not returned my calls to set up an appointment to get my blood work done for my HIV. Today I will reach out to a doctor that I use to work for back when I was a student at Santa Monica High. She was just starting out back then, so I am hopeful that she will be able to maybe help me out. Let’s pray she can at the very least draw my blood and give me some idea where I am with this disease.

But for right now, I am pressing on and praying, trusting and knowing God will work it all out in the end. There is no since in me trying to figure this out, when he’s already worked it out in my favor.

The Benefits of Struggle

• Posted by Kengi on February 28, 2009 at 1:22am

This week has been such a huge week for my organization and myself. As many of you know I spoke at USC on Tuesday in the department of Social Work. Many of the students are now friends here on my facebook page. This was a huge honor and blessing for me to be able to speak at USC.

Even though I was sick this week, I was still able to get things done in time to have do the outreach to a local Head Start program in the Venice area that caters to low income families. Tiffany and I were able to take some toys and over to the center to be of support to them.

This Sunday will be another huge blessing and opportunity for me, my organization and my efforts to raise funds for HIV and AIDS right here in Los Angeles. I will be in the Kevin Nash radio show on KJLH 102.3 Radio Free in Los Angeles at 7:30PM. The topic is the benefits of struggle.

Just like speaking at USC was such a huge honor and blessing for my life, so will this. During 22 months of homelessness there wasn’t much positive touch and that which I was able to get didn’t come from places such as missions and shelters or other places in place that we think are there to assist homeless people.

Kevin Nash has something called the Mid Day Massage and for me this was something I tried so hard to make sure I heard each and ever day. For the most part I would always miss it, but it was always nice how God would make certain that the days I really needed to hear the from HIM, I was able to hear Kevin’s show. So this will be a huge honor to meet the man face to face that was and still is very much a huge blessing for my life.

Tomorrow I am using my Saturday to relax and cleanse my mind and soul to prepare for Sunday with Kevin Nash. The topic is the benefits of struggle. Now I know most think there are no benefits to struggling, especially for someone like me, but that isn’t true at all. I have learned so much about myself and how strong I really am and what a awesome and great man I truly am from the struggle of 22 months of homelessness and from now being HIV positive.

I will also use tomorrow as a time to close out my month long two year anniversary celebration on my organization and the many people it has helped. I use the day to reflect on the past two years to see where not just me, but how far the organization has come and just how much stronger and more able it has become of the past two years

Sickle Cell, Cancer, Homelessness and HIV are all negative things and would have destroyed most. But I have always tried my best to take the negative things in my life and make them into something positive, not just for me, but for others as well, because at the end of the day it isnt always about me. Yes I might be going through it, but God picked me to go through it, so instead of this “Why me God” way of looking at the struggles in my life I have always taken the “why not me God” way of looking at things.

Now some people will never understand this about someone like me, because one, they aren’t believers and since they aren’t believer they have no faith and without the belief and faith you have nothing, so things will always look grim and bleak.

I was taught to believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. So Cancer, it wont prosper, Sickle Cell, it won’t prosper, homelessness, IT WONT PROSPER and HIV, IT WONT PROSPER. Because God says I am greater than all these things. I believe I am greater then all these things.

Nana use to say, “you must go through some thangs, if you ever going to be worth any thang.” Ma would say. “trials come to make us stronger, wiser and better prepared for what life will bring our way. Just stand tall and plant your feet when the storms of life range. When the storm passes you might be shattered, but you won’t be broken”

If you are in the Los Angeles area, please tune in to KJLH Radio Free 102.3 FM Station Sunday at 7:30PM to hear me on air with the great Kevin Nash.

If you would like to make a donation towards my AIDS Life Cycle 8 Bike Ride, please log on to www.tofighthiv.org/goto/projectkengikat and click the orange box that says “donate to support Louis”

This Joy I Have

• Posted by Kengi on February 28, 2009 at 8:35am

Today will very much be a day for me. It’s Saturday February 28, 2009 at about 7:30AM and I am going to use this day as a day to prepare myself for the awesome wonder God has in store for my life.

I’m going to spend most of my day with my camera on my bike taking picture and reflecting on the past month and how amazing God is still allowing my life to be. Even in the midst of all the struggles, God still sends blessing and I have learned to count then and name them one by one.

Already I can tell that 2009 is going to be much different then the years of 2007 and 2008. Already I can tell that people that are in my life right now, wont be there by the close of 2009. Not that they’ve done anything wrong or that something will happen to them, but because my life now has purpose and some people have not and again, will not understand this.

For the first time in a long time I am smiling. Smiling not to make someone else feel good, or smiling because I need to put on a happy face, but because I feel like smiling. For the first time in a long time, the joy that I have always had in my life and in my heart is over flowing and I just cant contain myself. There is a gospel song that says, “he’s all over me and he’s keeping me alive. He’s in my hands and in my feet, I can hardly keep my seek”

December 19, 2008 for my 40th birthday I feel as if my life has been reborn, given back to me. Not that it was ever taken away or that I had done some wrong and God punished me or anything like this. What I mean is that there is this fire inside of me. A fire that had gone a little dim because I was too caught up in what a successful private chef I was and far too caught up in what people needed to see instead of being caught up in things that matter at the end of the day.

I am in no way saying that I was a bad person, or that I didn’t care about anything. This isnt true at all. I’ve always been a very selfless and unselfish person, but as I sit here today and type out this blog there is a new man inside of me. The gift that God placed in me so long ago is on fire again and this time I wont let this go for anyone or any reason.

I use to hear people say things like “This is my destiny” or “this is the path God has for me” and even “this is my purpose in life” Well I never understood what this meant and I would even try to discourage people from saying such things. “How do you know that?” or “that seems kind of silly”

Well I now know what my path is and for the first time in a while I have a clear understanding as to what my purpose in life is. I know what I have been hand picked to do. You see, I started out on my path when I was a kid and into my late teenage and early adult life, but the glitz and glamour of the “fancy” caught my eye and I left my path, seeking adventure, glitz and glamour only to find out that the “fancy” aint all that. There is a price one must pay for being part of the “fancy” and for me I am no longer willing to pay this price anymore.

As I look at my organization and how it has grown. The things it has been able to do and the lives it has been able to touch and yes even change, no matter how small the scale, lives have been changed for the good because of what I created. Homeless people have been helped and many people now see homelessness and the people it affects differently. Not only do they see homeless people different because of my efforts, they are also willing to help and go the extra mile for someone who is homeless.

The most awesome thing is this. Having people tell me they have a much better relationship and understanding of Christ and Christianity is so awesome. My soul is jumping right now just thinking of how many times I have heard someone say this. My soul jumps a bit higher when I think of people who have said they now “believe” because of what they have seen me struggle with and make it through even with the deck stacked the way it was against me.

I woke up this morning and I am seeing a brand new day. God has given me just one more time to see his awesome wonder, his majesty and his grace. I see the sunlight moving across the wall and I hear the buzz of life outside and as I type this blog I am both inspired and encouraged by the life that God still allows someone as broke down as me to even have.

So since God has given me one more day,, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The song says “This joy I have, the world didn’t give it to me. The world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away.”

The constant prayer that I prayed through 22 months of homelessness is this “Lord take whatever you need to take away from me. But please, please I beg you not to take my mind and my joy.” I knew that without my mind and my joy, I surely would have given in to all the things that were there to destroy the awesomeness that God has created and filled inside of me

So toady as I see this brand new day, I feel like walking. I feel like talking. I feel like praying. I feel like shouting. I feel like running. I feel singing. Because God is good all the time.

I was down for so long, and had been hurt for so long, that there were times I thought I would never make it through. But God new I would make it and he knew that all things would work out in MY favor in the end. So when my enemies thought I would never make it, God smiled down on me and for me this as the light at the end of a very dark tunnel and I managed to call all the strength, courage and wisdom that has always been inside of me to pull myself through.

Now as I look back and see the storm that I have just come through my soul done got happy and I just cant sit still.

Ma use to say “Nothing succeeds like success and cant nobody succeed you like God. So make certain you know where your success is sent from. Your enemies have tings that look like success too, but in the end they are meant to destroy you. You take what God has for you do you hear what I say Louie?”

“Yes Ma.”

When I wake up in the morning and the smile I had on my face is gone, my heart is filled with pain and I can’t see the sunshine for the rain. All I have to do is think of Jesus and the world will be alright with me. Just one thought of Jesus and I know it will be a lovely day.

THANK YOU JESUS

Old Blogs from 2009 (January)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

The LIGHT in me

• Posted by Kengi on January 10, 2009 at 5:24am

Many people have asked me what my plans are for 2009 and the answer I have for the is the as it was in New Year’s past. “I’m going to live and try to be a better person” This is something I do only at New Year’s, but daily. I guess when the New Year rolls around I take time to look back over the year I’ve just come through and look to see if I have done that. While 2008 was a very rough year, and tougher then 2007, I can honestly say I am a much better person.

I’ve learned so many things about myself in the 22 months of homelessness. Some I already knew and God just used homelessness to help me sharpen them. Others are things my parents drilled into me and I had no idea they were there until I needed to reach within myself to use them. As a kid there were times when I wished my parents would have, should have or could have let me have things my way. Praise God they didn’t, because not always getting my way as taught me to be brave and work towards being a better kid and this in turn has made me a better man. I never would have guess that when my parents forced me to sit and figure thing out on my own, that I would one day use these valuable lessons later in life.

The only thing different about 2009 is that I’ve given what I’ve always done a new. A “vision” or “theme” if you will and it’s no different then the last 39 years of my life. “Live the Dream to Be the Change”

For as long as I can think back, this is what I’ve always done without fail, so for those who truly know me, they already knew that 22 months of homelessness wasn’t going to crush me. It would serve as a stepping stone on path into my victory. As I look back over 2008 I am smiling and thanking God for my parents and all their many lessons, all the tools, all the talks and all the molding they took the time to give to me, because I don’t know many people, in fact I don’t know anyone who could have come through the last 22 months of my life, accomplish all that I have, cry as much as I did, fist fight as much as I did and get let down so many times and not given up.

There are people in my life…….excuse me, around me that say “you need money to help people” or “are you giving from a full cup?” and my favorite “sometimes we have to set our principles aside” I would be one hungry soul if I ate all these lies. Ma use to say “consider the source and then decide how it will cook”

I never thought I would be sitting where I am right this minute with only $12 to my name, but I also didn’t think I would be as successful, well respected and accomplished as I am right this minute. It’s funny how things like my BMW and condos in New York and Santa Monica gave me the appearance of success. Pops use to always say “your success comes from God.” As I grew up and became a man I started to understand what this meant and now at 40 years old I know damn well what it means and I can say without hesitation that I am more successful right now, with $12 then I ever was with my “fancy pants” and “fancy pants friends”

I remember once as a kid I was at this huge event with my parents and there were these huge lights, you know the ones you see at the awards shows? Those lights that you see for miles and miles beaming into the sky, you don’t know where they are, but you can see them. Well I grabbed my Pops and Ma tight by the hand and jumped up and down lifting my feet off the ground as they walked and I said

“I’m brighter then all those lights together aint I?”

“It’s aren’t I, and yes baby you are.” Ma said looking down at me

“Aren’t I?” I repeated as she smiled and Pops then lifted me up high on his shoulders and said.

“Shine like those lights little man”

I laughed and ok “Ok Daddy”

As we drove away from the event I could still see the lights and I would say from the back seat of the car “can you still see my light?” and they both would say “yes”

When Pops took me out the car I whispered in his ear “Can you still see my light Daddy”

“Yes little man” he smiled

That night Ma was tucking me in and saying “night, night don’t let the bed bugs bite”

“and if they do” I would say back and together we’d say “beat’em til they’re black and blue”

Right before Ma left the room that night I said “Can you turn my light on Mommy?” She turned and I saw that smile and she said “Baby I turned that light on 8 years ago, now go to sleep.”

It’s 5:00AM and I just saw this man in the mirror and I smiled at him.

“Can you see my light Ma and Pops?”

Thank you

• Posted by Kengi on January 11, 2009 at 3:30am

WOW what an amazing week I’ve just had and “Being of Service” was all part of it. I can already tell that God is going to do some wonderful and truly earth moving things for many people in 2009.

As many of you know, I started this journey over 22 months ago on February 3, 2007 and even though I am no longer homeless, I am very much still on the front lines and will remain right here until God says it’s time to move. For a small number of people this is going to be hard to understand. I mean hey, I am no longer homeless right? I should give up now and put this “ugly” time in my life behind me and move on.

Wrong, this is the last thing on my mind and to be frank, it should be the last thing on yours because if you’ve read my blog, watched my videos and truly took the time t even half way understand my message, then you would know that this mission is far from over and you would fully understand why I cant stop now.

This was never about me, yes much of it was my story and experiences, but if you look at the “bigger picture” then there is more then just me. Far more and I will not allow you to make this mission about me, even though I am greatly affected by it. I am firm believer in the power of God, this isnt something that I just picked up when I became homeless, it was something that I was raised with, something my parents instilled in me, long before homelessness would ever play any part of my life. Thank God for this, because it has been this firm foundation and strong faith that has kept me through what has been a very difficult and trying time in my life.

I learned at a very early age that there was nothing I could not do. I was told and taught that all things are possible and anything I wanted to do I could do and do it well. Not because I was (am) so great or not because I am better than anyone else, but because I am the child of the most high King who would grant me favor. My life has been nothing but FAVOR from God.

My week started off with hearing someone tell me what I would not be able to do and what I would not be able to accomplish and all the people I would not be able to reach because I am “persnickety” and “snobbish” and that I needed to sometimes set aside my “principles” and “beliefs” in order to help more people. This was coming from someone I like, someone I grew up with, but just as Job looked at his wife and could see the devil in her eyes and he told her, woman you sound foolish and you don’t sound like my wife. This is the same thought I had for me “friend” Woman you sound foolish and you don’t sound like my friend.

I left thee thinking to myself. “Nobody but God and my parents tell me what I can and can not do” and since my parents are no longer hear and God told me to carry out this task, I would ignore what I was just told and move forward. All this week I thought of what was told me to and each time I laughed saying. “Kick Rocks”

Monday was the first day of my 6 day outreach and it started off a little different then I had planned. That morning I got a package from my friend Mysti from Durham, NC. The boxed was filled with a awesome message and a deck of cards. Sweet, the smiling “Joker” was the first thing I saw after I read the letter. “Ha, Ha I thought, the smiling Joker I shall be” Monday was an awesome way to “kick start” my week long feeding program in grand style with clothes to go along with it.

Tuesday was yet another day for me to play the Joker and laugh once again. I made chicken Salad Sandwiches and this time I filmed my efforts and put them on my youtube channel. Not to get praise for my work, but to show people the “Love” is still in style and good will always win over evil, no matter what you may think.

Wednesday was fried chicken and cornbread and let me tell you. I had a blast making it and the people who I served it too had a blast eating it. “thanks for caring” is what I heard as I passed out the meals on third street in Santa Monica.

Thursday was Turkey Tender Lion Sandwiches with cornbread dressing and once again people were all smile and so happy that I was once again able to come out and show some love and support.

Friday was baked chicken with a honey ginger glaze and cornbread. Friday was cool because I got to see Willie and speak with Shlley. The touching thing was the lady I had met the night before shared a little of her story with me. She also introduced me to her young son. They’ve been homeless for 3 years “I don’t think we’ll ever get out of this” she told me and as I looked into her eyes and saw the fear behind them, I simply smiled and told her “you can do all things, just believe.” She started to tell me that I don’t understand and how very hard things are for her. She is running for a husband who beats her and her small boy.

When she was done telling a small part to her story I simply looked at her as we sat on a bench by her son and I said. “You’re right, I don’t understand what it is like for you and your son. I have no clue. But I’ll share this with you. I was homeless for 22 months and I know what it was like for me. I remember the tears and the long nights, but I made it and even though it may seem like you cant now, you hold on and believe and you will make it too.” She tried to give me my food back because she thought I would need it. I said I would be fine and I smiled “keep the food. I made it for you”

Friday night I baked 3 dozen cookies and early Saturday morning I took them to a local place that offers service for people living with HIV/AIDS and then I went to the store to get some things to make Mac & Cheese (NOT THE BLUE BOX) and once again I got my day going. I had to get done early because I was headed to a party for my friend Ryan.

Saturday evening I headed to the valley to chill out and enjoy my two friends Ryan and his girlfriend Moina. All week I haven’t been feeling well and with each passing day my Sickle Cell has gotten progressively worse the pain has gotten a bit more difficult to manage and deal with. Many times throughout the week I found myself in tears because the pain was just too great for me to manage. People on all youtube channel and on Project KengiKat said I looked “tired” and that I should “rest” It’s hard to rest when you’re in too much pain to sleep. However I thanked them for they kind words and thoughts and simply asked them to pray for me.

Tonight (Saturday) I hung out with some awesome people who really touched my heart in ways they will never know. Ryan and Moina had once again asked their guests to bring items for my Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people outreach set for next month. I was truly blown away by the people who were more then happy to give and even more blown away in the spirit in which they gave it.

These people were not looking for an award, praise or anything like this from me or my blog and youtube channel. They did it not fully knowing what the cause was all about. However I know each of them did donate what they did because like me, they know there is a HUGE elephant in the room and too many of us are far too busy looking at the flies around it’s ass to address the real problem. Many more are too busy sticking our heads in the sand or pretending like there is no elephant at all.

I met some people I would be honored to have come out to my Do Something events. I met people who “get it” and I don’t meet very many people like this. I was blown away by how generous these people were and just how much I could tell they truly wanted to help, but maybe didn’t know how or where to begin. I am both honored and blessed that they have started with my organization and blessed even more that the same friends we share that gathered us all together in love and the spirit of humanity to celebrate with Ryan and Moina, send Ryan back on his journey to the Philippines to continue the amazing work God has given him to do and in doing so each of them has helped me “empower people” right here at home. You cant tell me that my God isnt great.

Towards the end of the night the pain from my Sickle Cell really started to kick in again and I got the message loud and clear to sit my butt down. I was in so much pain that I was unable to shake the hands on the people who had just blessed my organization and gave me permission to “shine” Even the hugs I received were very painful, but as I have state before, if I need to suffer in order to make things better for those who have less, then I will suffer.

I wish you guys could have seen all the smiles and truly awesome people my broke down butt had the amazing opportunity to be in the presence of. God said he would give me favor with man and I would walk through doors that would normally be closed to me. Tonight I walked through one of the most amazing doors and I met some of Gods truly awesome people. Ma and Pops use to tell me that I was who I hung with and tonight I know I was hanging out with LIGHT WORKERS and I know my parents are looking down saying “shine on Louis.”

Ryan and Moina have once again touched my heart, blessed my soul and filled my cup and God has once again showed me that I can do all things, because I am his “persnickety, snobbish, principled child” When one person tells me no. God too laughs right along with me and sends me many more who will say yes.

I want to express my many, many thanks to all the awesome people I met tonight, all the cool beans bruthas and high stepping sistas, that you for what you have done and what God will inspire you to do. Some of you told me I am great and some said I am inspiring, but I am only a doing what God has called me to do and something I do foul up this task but he still calls me by name and he says to me like he said to Moses, Job, Dr. King, Ryan, Moina and all of YOU. “I called you by name and I know who you are and I’ve called you for my purpose and YOU have found favor in my site”

I don’t know about ya’ll, but I feel a dance about to pop. As I end the blog entry tonight I want to say I love each of you for what you’ve done and I will let the people who will get all that you’ve given know, that YOU care and YOU want wants best for them.

I want each of you to know that the LIGHT in me saw the LIGHT in each of you and for this my heart and soul has blessed in a bug way. YOU GUYS ROCK.

Please visit my blog for this blog entry to see the pics that will past with this as well as those that will post to the pics area of the blog. I am uploading all vids right this second.

Blessing to each of you, I bow

Kengi

www.projectkengikat.ning.com

www.dosomethingsaturday.org

www.youtube.com/kengikat

Sweet Monday

• Posted by Kengi on January 12, 2009 at 4:18pm

Today was such a jammed packed day and in a very good way. I can recall a time when a jammed backed day for me meant I was running all over the place trying to get things taken care of for housing, DPSS, Skid Row Housing Corp, going to doctors, fist fighting my way through a touch area and still trying to keep a “happy face” Ahhhhh the good old days.

I spent most of my morning updating Project KengiKat, chatting with and inviting new members, retuning emails, trying to find an HIV doctor and dealing with the really bad Sickle Cell pain I am having right now.

I touched base with my case manager Tiana over at APLA for some donations I want to drop off and to set a time to meet with her. She has been someone who has really had my back once I was able to get her as my case manager. It took a long time, a very long time before I was able to get her and since we’ve been “together” it’s been great. It’s been so refreshing to have someone on that side of the table really push hard for me and work just as hard as I was to make things happen. Her style as a case manager is unmatched and unheard of. When I tell people with HIV and others who are homeless how well we work with each other, they are blown away. One guy even called me a “liar” because he has had such bad luck with his case managers.

I had a meeting today with someone I met for just a brief moment way back when I first became homeless. I don’t even know how we managed to stay in touch, given all that I have gone through. But she reached out to me and said she wanted to help me and I wasn’t able because I was really having a very hard time with being sick and homeless. However in end God worked it all out and now she has quickly become someone I admire and respect a great deal.

Tiffany and I got together at the Santa Monica Library, the sweet new Main Branch. I grew up in Santa Monica, so I know what the old nasty dark one was like. This library is awesome, open and cool with free wifi and a café in the center of the really nice courtyard. So I guess Santa Monica can do some things right. Homelessness aint one of them.

Tiffany has this amazing spirit and her smile is so freakin huge and bright. While we talked (I was talking the most) I could see the passion in her eyes and her energy when we spoke about things she really wants to do and be apart of. She is going to be a welcomed, amazing and wonderful woman to add my organization.

After our meeting Tiffany gave me a ride home and also gave me some donations that that will go out this week. Stuffed animals, clothes and blankets, the blankets I will take out tonight when I set out to watch the amazing sunset we also have here in SoCal.

Once back home I chatted with my roomie for a minute and then opened email and let me just tell you this. Project KengiKat has attracted some really cool people and I am so honored that they have selected my network to be part of.

For the first time in a long time I am ahead of the game and for the first time I now have people willing to help me in this HUGE mission I have been given to do AND they are doing so from their HEART and this makes all the difference. Although I do know that I am very much the center of all this and I am the driving force behind it, it is really cool to feel like I might be able to sit down for a bit because I have some people who believe in what I am doing and fully understand what unconditional love really is.

When Jesus was on the cross they told him to come down if he was so powerful and if he was the son of God, just come down and save yourself. Make no mistake about it, it wasn’t the nails or the spear that pierced him in the side that kept him there. It was love. Love for the drug dealer, love for the prostitute, love for the drug addicts, love for the drunks, it was love for you, you and you. When people tell me “stop doing this you’re not homeless anymore” or “you’ll never be able to help them because……” I just look at them and think of this LOVE that Jesus has for us. He never turned his back took his love away when we do wrong and he doesn’t removed his joy and grace when we fall short, so who I am to turn my back on my fellow man?

It’s 3:55PM and I am going to make me way down to the beach to watch the sunset. Maybe shoot a video while I am there. I wanna say thanks to all who have joined my network this past week and all who have supported my efforts and believe in this cause. I also want to say welcome to all the new members. WOW over 100 people now.

Tiffany I so look forward to working with you very soon.

Blessings

Pain and Friendship or Pain of Friendship….I dont know

• Posted by Kengi on January 13, 2009 at 1:18am

When the pain is just too much for me to bare

I remember as a kid screaming and crying as a kid, begging my parents to male the pain to go away and there was nothing they could do. I recall Ma doing all she could to comfort me and help me to relax, while Pops sat on the other side of my bed and did his best to me smile or laugh. It never worked. The pain was just too great

They never cried in front of me but there was those times when I would see tears in both their eyes and I would do all that I could to manage my pain, so I wouldn’t make them cry. It’s funny how even as a kid I tried to protect people for things I had no control over.

“Oh Father, please remove the pain in my baby, but please don’t take him away from Lord. I just cant go through that again Lord please. Please ease his pain.” Ma pleaded with God. “Dear God please don’t take this child away from me, save this boy please Lord.”

From the door I could tell she wasn’t crying like people I had seen on TV, this was a cry that I would later come to know all to well. A cry that is deep within your soul and has been buried for some time and now is making its way toward the surface. It refuses to be locked up anymore.

Pops wasn’t home from the office yet and Ma took off so she could be home with me. In fact she was home all week with me. Every night Pops had to force her to get some sleep and he would sit up with me. I remember that a lot as kid, but this time it was different, I was a little sicker this time around and Ma was pleading with God not to take me from her and Pops. I guess you can say this is when I started to understand what prayer was and how powerful faith is.

“Mommy? Why are you crying like that? Is something wrong?” I asked very softly so I wouldn’t disturb her.

When Ma turned to look at me I saw her face. I was so red and so were her eyes, she had been down on her knees crying for a long time and it showed all over her face. Her eyes were puffy and her voice was horsed. She opened her arms and told me to come to her and I walked very slow because I thought I was the one cause her all the pain.

Once I reached her I put my little boney hands on her fair and tried my best to dry it. I took both my hands and pushed her long black hair back and this is when she grabbed me and held me so tight and started crying so hard it scared me.

“You cant have him. Do you understand me? He is staying here with his Father and me. You cant have this baby. Please not this one”

Event though I was scared I didn’t cry. I just put my little arms around her neck and kissed her. “I’ll get better Mommy. You watch. I am going to get better.” I pushed her head back and put my little hands under her chin and said. “Mommy, I am going to get better.” I smiled and shock my head yes and she smiled back and shock her head yes too.

“I wanna show you something baby” she took me by the hand and we went into my Pops study. She sat me in his chair and told me not to move. She was only gone for a few minutes and Pops walked in. “Hey bone head how do you feel?”

“I feel like you feel Daddy.”

Ma walked in and said “It’s time we tell him Kengi. He old smart enough to understand”

I sat between them on the big brown leather couch and they began to show me pictures of this little girl. Some pictures she looked very happy and in others she looked very said, almost like she wasn’t really there, there were lots of pictures of her in the hospital. One thing I noticed right away was my Father was in none of these pictures and right away I asked.

“Where’s my Daddy?”

This is when Ma and Pops told me about my sister I never met and how very sick she was. “Just like me?” I asked. Ma talked the most and Pops was quiet, but he kept his arm around Ma and I could tell this made Ma feel better, so I started patting her on the leg to show her I cared too. Pops was quiet that whole time while Ma talked about this sister I never met. Her name was Denise and she died when she was 9. She was very sick at 9 and so was I.

That day I learned about love, faith and how to fight for my life with everything I had in me. Denise was such a beautiful little girl. Her smile and eyes were like Mommies. That was the day I decided to live my life for my parents. I never wanted to see Ma cry like that and I never wanted to see Pops that silent ever again. I learned that day that my Daddy was just that. MINE. Looking back on it, I know was the day I made the knowing choice to always live the best life I could

I also learned that day that I was very sick, just like my older sister Denise was so long ago and I also learned where the cry I heard from Ma as I stood in the hallway has come from. When we were done, ma closed those photo albums filled with her first born child and she put them away. I never saw them again.

As I grew up and got older and more wise I learned even more tough lessons “Everyone isnt your friend and will not support you when you need it most” Pops told me

There are times when I am in so much pain, that it takes all there in inside of me not to cry. There are times when I know I should be resting, but I don’t because I have given someone my word and I can just manage the pain for just a bit longer. I’ve learned to smile even thorough my worst pain. And I am not talking about pain that comes from Sickle Cell.
This past month has been rather hard to do that, but I’ve managed to do it and then suffer through the pain of pushing myself later in the darkness of this dining room where I now am blessed to have place to lay my head. I don’t like being sick in front of people because they change after they’ve seen me in “crisis” I am also not very nice when I am sick and people tend to want to touch and comfort you and ask you questions and get things for you and all I really want is to be left alone.

I’ve had plenty of “friends” walk away from me because me being sick was just too much and more left when I took care of my Pops until he died because it was just too much, I’ve had other people tell me “I’ll be there for you” and when I look up they are gone. So I’ve learned to love me and love the few friends I have and really understand what a friend is.

People always say “Kengi you have a lot of friends” and I always reply. “No I don’t. I have a lot of people around me yes, but they aren’t friends. Now I am not saying I don’t have friends, please don’t read something into this that isnt here. All I am saying is this. Don’t let the smooth taste full ya. My “friends” come and go each and every day.

I remember once hearing Ma say there is a reason why people dont remain friends after no longer see one another day to day. A friend is ALWAYS going to be a friend. No matter what, in good times and bad, through thick and thin, with money and without it. Friends don’t turn and walk away when you have a disagreement. They don’t laugh when you fall or act like they don’t recall the commitments they’ve made. Those aren’t your friends baby and people like that will only cause you pain. Hard lesson to learn, even harder to learn all over again at 40 with people who say “we’re friends”

I am in so much pain tonight from my Sickle Cell, as I type this blog entry I have stopped countless times to wipe the tears from my face and to hold my head in my hands. It’s times like tonight that I just wished for once all the shit “friends” talk about being there and to call them and I’ll be there or count on me was really true.

My work has now become my friends, something I can count on, something I can run to in order to pass the time and something that wont let me down. I have however met some people who I am proud to call friend and people that I know love and care a great deal for and my organization and I blessed to have them in my life

Tonight I got a call from my ex-boyfriend of 15 years. He was the very first person I called when I found out I was HIV positive back in April on 2008 and just like the awesome friend he is, he showed me nothing but love, respect and support. Our conversation was rather deep, because I told him about the 22 months of homelessness we talked until my phone died. It was so awesome to talk with him.

Then my friend Keith from Atlanta called. E said I was on his mind and he wanted to make sure I was ok. I told him about my Sickle Cell and how it was really bothering me. He knows first hand what I am dealing with because is sister has Sickle Cell too.

It will be a very long night for me and I don’t know that I will get any sleep. I am thinking about my parents and what they would say to me right now. I am thinking about my event this weekend and my events next month. I am mostly thinking about my trip to the doctor today and how sweet it would be to have someone local……a “friend” I could call on right now. A shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me up

Be well

More donations to cover three outreaches

• Posted by Kengi on January 13, 2009 at 3:00pm

I hung out with my new buddy Tiffany and man did I have a nice time. I met Tiffany for a really brief moment in 2007. We remained in contact and someone we bumped into each other on facebook and the other day we had out first real encounter at the Santa Monica Main Branch Library.

We met to discuss ways we both could work together to make this place a better for all people. It’s always so cool to meet people who totally get my path and my work and they don’t have to question or try to redirect it. Tiffany is one of those people and I am so looking forward to working with her.

We talked about me possibly speaking in public about my story and we also talked about ways for her to become actively involved with my work. I think I found someone who is willing to work towards a real goal instead of talking about it and for me that a HUGE BLESSING.

Tiffany has such a cool personality and her smile is BIG and BRIGHT SMILE. Once we finished our meeting Tiffany gave me a ride back to Brentwood and before she left she also gave me some awesome donations of clothes, blankets and stuffed animals.

The blankets will go out tonight when I travel down to skid row to take some pictures of Downtown LA. The Jacket and two sweaters will go to a family in Santa Monica that is no longer homeless and was the inspiration behind my entire mission. The stuffed animals will be part of my outreach to children and their families at St Jude’s Hospital of Los Angeles.

Thanks for the donations Tiffany and I am looking forward to working with you very soon.

I ended my awesome night with a sweet SoCal Sunset

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

• Posted by Kengi on January 14, 2009 at 10:36am

Last night I walked down to the beach to see the sunset. I even went for a longer walk from Brentwood to UCLA, it was all part of my day where I took a big chunk of time out for ME. For those who know me in the ‘real world” and for those who have been following my blogs on Project KengiKat or watching my youtube channel, then you already know I don’t get to or have the opportunity to do this very often.

My days are still very much filled with running around trying to get to all my many doctors appointments, securing paperwork and signatures that I need to get into permanent that’s mine. I am not saying I don’t have housing right now, I do, but it isnt mine and I just cant rest until I have a place that’s mine were I feel completely comfortable. I am also not saying that I am not comfortable here, because I am. I am just not completely comfortable.

While I was homeless for 22 months I heard many homeless who had made it off the streets say “I’m having a hard time adjusting to being inside” One woman in particular was someone named Debora. She became homeless after her husband began to beat her and she walked out one day after a very harsh ass kicking. She left medical care for hr mental illness behind and a safe place to live, if you can call it that. Since she was a homemaker with no job and no skills she quickly sank on the streets of LA.

With no health care her mental illness went unaddressed and untreated causing her to spin out of control. When I met her she was beyond filthy and her smell was like no other smell I have ever encountered. She was lying on the sand where Santa Monica and Venice Beaches meet up. Homeless people call this “no mans land” on any given night there are homeless people risking being attacked by other homeless people, drunks from local clubs, harassment, tickets and even being carted off to jail by both Santa Monica and Los Angeles Police Departments. Anyone who tell says there is a such thing as quality health care for free or at all for that matter is full of shit. There is no such thing as quality health care for free in this country. I’m just telling you what God likes….the truth.

Debora was homeless for over 5 years before someone other than traditional places took the time to care. It was the last 16 months of homelessness that I had the chance to meet her. It was around this time that her generous benefactor began to help her as well and would later provide her with medical care for her mental illness and ultimately a safe warm place off the streets.

About a month off the streets I saw Debora sitting on the beach around 2:15 in the afternoon. She looked great, but I could tell right away something was wrong. If you didn’t know her, you would just assume she was someone taking a break from work and enjoying the sun and sand on Santa Monica Beach. Just as we started talking I got a call from Kim, the lady who was helping her. She told Debora had left her new apartment around 7:00AM and she hadn’t seen or heard from her, but had an idea she was at the beach. She asked me if I would talk to her, since she was pretty close to me. I told her I knew where she was and I would talk with her.

Debora and I spoke from 2:15 in the afternoon until 10:45PM that night. She told me how things in the apartment mad her afraid. How silly she felt because she no longer new how to live inside. She didn’t want to “bother” or “trouble” Kimmie as she so fondly called her because she had already done so much for her and she didn’t want to let her down or cause her any problems. She talked most of the time and I just sat and listened, saying absolutely nothing, just allowing her time to get everything or as much as she could out of her.

She cried off and on and I did my best to hold space and support her through her pain and tears without crying myself. Ya’ll know I am a big cry baby so this was damn hard for me. Here was a woman old enough to be my Grandma crying because she wanted so bad to be inside, but was having such a hard time dealing with it. Let me just say this. This has nothing to do wither her mental illness, so just stop thinking that right now. Until you’ve lived on the streets, slept in alleys, eaten out of trash cans and fist fought for your things and a mountain of other things, do not judge this woman or anyone else who is suffering.

After listening to her talk for a long time, she looked down at her watch and said “Kimmie is worried sick about me. I better get back and let her know I am safe.”

“You can use my phone to call if you want. I don’t mind. I mean if you still wanna talk things out more.” I said

She looked at me and smiled saying “Who are you Kengi.”

I handed her my phone and got up to give her some space to talk to Kim. She talked for a bit and then came over to me. When she handed me my phone back she grabbed me and hugged me so tight and that’s when she started to cry so hard that I could feel it in my soul.

Again I said nothing and just held her tight. I didn’t tell her she wasn’t alone and didn’t say I would help her through this. People have said that to me and I know they mean well, but those are the very last things someone wants to here, especially when you fall short and aren’t there when they need you most. I didn’t I understood and tried to find some situation in my own life that I could point to let her know I had some idea what she was dealing with, feeling or going through. I never do this, because I have no clue what she or anyone else is feeling and simply saying shit just because you think it’s the right thing to say or would make that person feel better so doesn’t work.

We talked more and then I walked her home. We said hello to Kim who lives right next door and then she took me inside her place. It’s a large one bedroom apartment with a great view of Maria Del Rey. It’s furnished with all the things you would want. Nothing is second hand or used. All of it was new. While inside I showed her how to load her DVD’s into the player, how to use the remote control for her Direct TV and other things around the house she had questions about. I gave her my number and told her to call me anytime, no matter how late or early it was and I would either walk her through, talk her through and come by to help her through anything as long as I was able.

I walked out about 3:30AM. I was at the elevator when Kim called to me telling me to stay what was left of the night at her place. I said no, I would be fine and she insisted pulling by my hand. “don’t insult me mister. You’re staying now come on” she barked.

Kim lost both her parents to a cash accident. The building her and Debora live in was her parents as was 12 other properties she now owns. Kim is 20 years old and a student at Loyola Marymount University where she is studying Business. She pays everything for Debora and is glad to do it because she said “There’s just something about her Kengi. I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t feel sorry for her or pity, that isn’t it at all, there ‘s just something about her and I truly love her. You are more then welcome here Kengi, please visit her. She adores you. Ok?”

The next morning when I woke it was already 10:00AM and Kim had already left for school. She left a note for me.

“Kengi, here are two keys. One to my place and one to Debora’s , this is the code for the front door. I know you don’t have money to eat or a place to crash, so I hope this will help you get something for yourself, please take this. I also paid for a room at the Huntley in Santa Monica for a week.You better take it and use it for yourself or I will hunt you down and give it to you all over again. Let’s touch base later today. I am going out of town and would like you to house sit for me.

Love Kim”

I saw the most amazing sunset last night here in Santa Monica. As the sun went down I thought of all the amazing people God has allowed to come into my life and all the awful people her has removed and I thanked him for both. I thought about the people who have walked away from me because I was no long “Big Bank Hank” dropping cash and credit cards at will. I also thought about “friends” who have come and gone simply because I wont bend or change what I know is right in order to get from point A to point B faster. I thought about doctors who told me nothing was wrong with my heart and now I know it is because God provided doctors who do their jobs regardless of my ability to pay. I thought of people like Ron from the Housing Authority who said “I bet I know how you got HIV” and then Mr. Munroe the huge fag at Skid Row Housing Corp who said “You speak backwards.” The later refused housing that I was told I would get in a building that they own. As I thought of these people, I call them “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” I smiled and said out loud

“Thank you”

Love shouldnt be so hard

• Posted by Kengi on January 15, 2009 at 2:59am

When all you see is hate

It seems like everywhere I turn there is so much hate in this world. Blacks hates White, Whites hate Black, Browns hate Black, Whites hate browns, Red hates Yellow, Korea hates America, the world hates BUSH (and for good reason) but there is just so much hate. Gays hate Straights, Lesbians hate men, Christians hate Muslims, Jews hate Mel Gibson. Everywhere you look there is so much hate.

People hate others who are tying to do good, bring about the change that we all say we want to embrace, but then attack it and fight it every step of the way, all the while smiling like they’re doing nothing wrong

How are we going to bring about this CHANGE that the vast majority of this country and the world for that matter says that want, when there is so much hate? How will Israel ever have real peace where there is so much hate? How will Iraq ever achieve freedom with so much hate? How can the United States of America ever be the great country she truly is when there is so much hate here?

Why cant we get past all this hate? Why cant we love each other for what we bring to the table? Instead of hating they fact that someone may have more to offer then you? Why cant we love the skin we are in without feeling like we might offend someone, causing them to hate us? Why cant we learn to love and respect each other without wanting to erase color so that the minority of the world can feel comfortable with the majority?

Why is it that most people who stand for good and peace live short lives or die violent deaths because of the hate that people have for the message? Who do people attack that which is good and meant from the heart?

I’ve been reading emails, other blogs, comments posted not just to my blog but others as well. I’ve been reading the newspaper and watching TV. I listen to elected city officials and I have even heard this from people who say they are my friends. I hear it over pulpits and from the Governors chair. I hear it from leaders of all nations, especially my own. I hear it on the bus, the beach and even sitting on the sidewalk.

I’ve seen it on bus stops, front porches, back lots and church parking lots. I hear a ton of it on the gay community just as much as I hear it in the straight community. I hear Christians spew it and Catholic Churches endorse it. I see small children already knowing what it is before they can spell the damn name.

HATE, HATE, HATE!!!!!!

Why do we tolerate it? Why do we act like it’s cute? We should we ignore it? Because hate will not go away, it is like a cancer that will grow and by the time we wake up and see it for what it truly is, it will be too late.

This is a quote from my blog on VloggerHeads talking about assholes and how they hide
“”Asshole hide behind their computer like a rapist hides and assaults woman or small children”

One of the comments that came from this post was
“I think that’s taking it a bit too far. i get cheesed off too with some of the trash talkers, but they can’t physically harm you”

The last time I checked people are getting beaten up, harassed and yes even killed by so called people who “can’t harm you.” Take you head out the sand.

The other day I made the choice to leave anther network that where I had made some awesome friends and gained a get deal of love and support for my cancer, my mission and for me. But I saw things there that weren’t not cool and I waited for them to be addressed. Things that never should have happened and when they did, nothing was done. Someone I consider a friend was fearing for their safety because someone who cant hurt you was causing problems. Not until it got way out of hand, did someone step in and that wasn’t until people had left the network. But the creator is too busy with being a “celebrity” so she can’t be bothered with making her “playground” safe.

By me remaining a member there only means I support such behavior. It cuts against everything I stand for, everything I believe in and all that I am trying to get people to understand, so I removed myself from that network. However VH is something else altogether, the creator is aware of problems and he is working at correcting them as they come up and I commend him for his efforts and wish him nothing but the best for his amazing network.

Monday will be the day many will pay honor and tribute to one of the greatest leaders, visionaries and one of bravest, selfless, courageous men this world will ever see. As this time approaches I am reminded of the stories told to me about this gift from God, Dr. King, I am reminded of how he pressed on in spite of, how he remained on HIS path as God called him to do. I am reminded of his speech where he says “……I may not get there with you…..” It was like he knew his path was coming to end.

Can we skip to the healing part?

Inauguration: Tuskegee Airmen a fitting symbol

• Posted by Kengi on January 17, 2009 at 1:30am

Today I got a call from Taylor the cool kid who interviewed me on VloggerHeads. I wasnt able to answer the two times he called. I had four doctors appointments today and each time he called I was already in session.

I didnt want him to think I was avoiding him, so I called him as soon as I left seeing my last cancer doctor.

Taylor offered me a ticket to join him and his mother at the Inauguration, however due to my current financial situation and the fact that I have only been off the streets for a little over 2 months, I simply cant afford to make the trip.

Tuesday holds so much for all of us here in this country, but for Blacks it holds things much deeper, more profound, more empowering and it will help to heal a community that has long been suffering for something as silly as the color of their skin. Yes I did say silly, but I will still not subscribe to the whole “Let’s not see color” agenda

I have four tatts and each of them mean something to me as well as my family. I have a cross on the inside of my right forearm with the name Darryl. That was my older brother who was shot 3 times in the face in a gas station for HIS car. All he wanted to do was get is son out the back seat. Sean was 7 when he saw his father murdered and he has never spoke since that day.

On my right leg I have a sun burts, because as a child this was all I seemed able to draw with so much pain from Sickle Cell On my left shoulder I have a Black fist with Black Power written under it Ma had cousins in Oakland and they were part of the Black Panthers as a kid I had the honor of hearing them speak about the movement and what it was really about. When I flew home from New York in 1997 to attend my cousins funeral the next day I got the tatt done at Everlasting on Divisadero or Divis as City folk call it.

The last tatt is the Egyptian symbol for eternal life. As a child I was blesses to have known for a short while my great, great, great Grandma we all called her Mamma Wlille Mae. The first time i saw this symbol was in her home on the north side of Santa Monica where blacks were not allowed to live, but no one tld her or any of us for that matter what we could and could not do. So told me what the symbol was and what it represents. She also told stories about the greatness of those Kings and Queens from that amazing land.

This is where my blog stops and my cousins begins.

——————–

I can’t say for certain and it’s unlikely anyone will volunteer the details, but I’ll bet the conversation leading to the Tuskegee Airmen’s invitation to the presidential inauguration went something like this:

Congressional aide: “Senator, we should invite the Tuskegee Airmen.”

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (aka., chairwoman of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies): “Good idea. Take care of it.”

Indeed, it is a good idea. The front seats to history will honor the all-black World War II airmen who endured racial injustice at home while distinguishing themselves in freedom’s greatest struggle. The fighter group is credited with destroying 261 enemy planes and never losing a single bomber they escorted — planes reserved for whites only. Yet no ticker-tape parades awaited them back home. Now all in their 80s and 90s, only a handful survive.

Or so the inaugural planners must have thought. It’s unclear how many there are — possibly several hundred — leading inaugural officials potentially facing more aged attendees than they could handle and worrying “if they have the stamina and the health on what’s going to be a very difficult day,” a commission spokeswoman told the News Tribune two weeks ago. “We just want them to think it through,” she advised.

One who did and decided to go is Duluth’s Joe Gomer, 87, who flew 68 sorties, included one ending in a crash landing, according to a Web site tribute to him. Northlanders did themselves proud by raising funds to pay for his trip.

The chance to witness the swearing-in of America’s first black president comes 25 years too late for fellow Tuskegee Airman Atlee David Washington, who died in 1983. Born in Alabama, my father spent all but his earliest years in Chicago, avoiding the worst of Jim Crow — until he enlisted when the war broke out and found himself shipped south.

“He fought the Battle of Miami Beach,” my mother would joke. In a military experiment, Officers Candidate School there was integrated. But except for white senior officers, not so at Alabama’s Tuskegee Army Air Corps base where he also served and trained air cadets. Another experiment, Tuskegee’s goal was to produce America’s first black military fliers, defying racist notions that blacks would crumble in battle though their heroics in every U.S. conflict from the Revolutionary War on proved otherwise.

“Your father was in charge of a train full of troops, and a white conductor said to him, ‘Gimme the tickets, boy,’ ” my mother related often. My father ignored him, and without speaking, eventually made it clear the troops would do whatever he commanded, including dumping the conductor into a creek. Finally, “He said, ‘If you address me as ’sir,’ you shall receive the tickets.” The conductor complied.

The story is one of many my parents told of challenging racial assaults, accentuating always the triumphs as a lesson to my brother and me that we could, in fact, overcome. But they rarely spoke of the indignities, of which there must have been many as an interracial couple in the 1940s and ’50s.

Hailing from Iowa, Gomer shared a similar rude awakening, saying those who made it to the shooting war were the lucky ones.

“Life was more comfortable overseas than back home,” he told me last week, saying despite the military’s segregation — even black and white blood plasma were separate — he faced few racial issues in Europe.

“The only problem was when I got ready to board the ship to come back home. There was this redneck captain. He just took one look at me and ordered me to the end of the line.” The war would have ended much sooner, Gomer said, “if I had felt toward the Germans the way I felt about that white captain.”

Like many black servicemen, Lt. Atlee Washington didn’t get his wish to serve overseas, but he may have become an icon of the unit. His name was in the roster at the Tuskegee Airmen National Historic Site when I visited three years ago, confirming his “Documented Original Tuskegee Airmen” status.

Prominently displayed at the site is a photo entitled “Barracks inspection at Tuskegee” with the officer doing the inspection the spitting image of him.

“That’s the only thing it says,” Sgt. James McKinney, a historian at Texas’ Randolph Air Force Base, where the original is archived, said last week. Neither Gomer nor a dozen or so other Tuskegee Airmen I sent it to could identify anyone either, though my brother didn’t need confirmation. “It sure as hell looks like him,” he said.

Or if not, representative of so many unknown airmen and soldiers, sailors, Marines, freedom riders and persons of all colors and conviction and courage, who sacrificed and endured the unthinkable to make this inauguration, and this nation, possible.

“We’ve got to roll up our sleeves”

• Posted by Kengi on January 17, 2009 at 9:36am

On the verge of commemorating the Martin Luther King National Holiday Jan. 19, Martin Luther King III, has declared, “We’ve got to roll up our sleeves” during what he describes as “a very special period in the history of our nation and world.”

Speaking last week to the ceremonial swearing in of the Congressional Black Caucus, King said America must remind itself that despite the historic swearing in of the nation’s first Black president Jan. 20, his father’s “dream has not been fulfilled even though a significant aspect of that dream has been fulfilled.”

Sitting aside a prepared speech, King III, now a human rights leader in his own right, spoke from his heart as he stood before the Capitol Hill audience of hundreds, thinking of his father, who was assassinated in Memphis on April 4, 1968, and his mother who died of cancer on Jan. 30, 2006.

“I cannot say exactly what my father and mother would say, but I know they’re looking down on us smiling,” said King, founder and president of Realizing the Dream, a non-profit advocacy organization for the poor.

Then he laid out the bare facts:

“But, as long as there are 37 plus million people living in poverty, the dream will not be fulfilled; as long as we live in a nation where 47 plus million people have no health insurance, the dream has not been fulfilled, as long as we live in a nation where the criminal justice system has millions of people and just about 50-50 percent of those people are people of color, the dream will not be fulfilled,” he told the vigorously applauding audience.

“We still have work to do, but the wonderful thing is we can make it happen. Where there is great challenge, there is also great opportunity.”

Referring to the historic inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama, King said, “Our nation is getting ready to move in a most powerful direction in the most positive way.”

But, he added, “We’ve got to roll up our sleeves.”

Had he lived, Dr. King would be 80 years old on Jan. 15 this year. Listening to King III speak were civil rights icons U. S. Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) and Dr. Dorothy Height, president emeritus of the National Council of Negro Women, both of whom marched on Washington with Dr. King on Aug. 28, 1963, where he rendered the famous “I Have a Dream” speech. Both Lewis and Height received rousing applause when acknowledged by King III.

But, King pointed out that it was the principles for which they stood that made them great. He encouraged the CBC and the audience to remember those principles as outlined succinctly by Dr. King in several of his speeches.

King quoted his father:

“The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in times of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy.”

What about your friends?

• Posted by Kengi on January 17, 2009 at 9:48pm

It’s Saturday at 7:00PM and I’ve had an amazing day and I can honestly tell you that I really love the work I am doing right now. I spent my life cooking, after graduating from USC wit a double master’s degree in criminal and child psychology with an emphasis’ on behavioral analysis, I left for New York to cook for a family for the summer at $900 per week. I thought it would be a summer job. I was with the family for more then five years.

Community work is nothing new to me. In fact it was encouraged as a kid. I recall my parents asking me if I wanted to volunteer for things and even though they asked, I knew I had no choice in the matter. I was a kid and I would do what they said. Like it or not. I am so thankful for that in my life today.

I had a damn good cooking career, with cooking jobs all over the country and three weddings outside of the country. 5 unofficial Grammy Award Parties, 10 Unofficial Oscar Parties and countless other high profile events. For someone with absolutely no culinary “training” I was really kicking ass. Oh I forgot to mention my kick ass BBQ joint. I’ve also had my fair share of movie and location shoots as well.

All my life I’ve had the same friends. Jason Williams, Cindy Heavens, Adrain Randle, Deana Randle, Tasha Randle, Karma Auger, Vickie Trilling, Karen Ball. Later I would meet people like Jataun and her sister Jackie. Jataun and I served on the Oakwood Beautification Committee (OBC) together. This committee was formed by Mayor Tom Bradley Office and Council Woman Ruth Galanter. I was hand picked to not just serve, but serve as chair person. I was 21 at the time and my community was already pretty extensive and impressive. The organization would later receive the 148 Point of Light Award from George Bush, not the current idiot, but is idiot Father. The came Ronnie, my boyfriend for 15 amazing years (still the best of friends to this day) he was the very first person to the hospital after I was told about HIV. Then my ACE Ms. Christina Jones, always an on time ride or die sista. Down to support me through whatever I was going through. Spending her last to get me something to eat after I finally had the guts to tell her what was going on in my life. “So what, Hallelujah anyhow Kengi. I aint worried bout you. You will get through this.” She and I have laughed many nights and cried many tears with each other and I love this lady with my whole heart.

Over the past 22 months I’ve met some other people and they are now part of a small collection of friends, who have supported me through the thick and thin, good times and bad, highs and the 22 month low (LOL) They’ve stood with me as friends should. Provided meals, shelter, love and support for me.

In what would prove to be man training ground I met people like Kimarie and Cat, awesome women who even while others encouraged them to walk away from me, they refused and stood with me. They took me in when I was so sick and I will never forget that. Ladies YOU ROCK!!!

Then came Tina and Andy and all I need to say about these two people is “unconditional” I met them through my outreach. Tina came with Easter Baskets for some kids in Venice. My plan was to do an Easter Feast for homeless people, low income families and seniors, all through donations. I also wanted to provide educational Easter Baskets to kids from low or no income families in the Oakwood area of Venice. If memory serves me correct Tina made 18 baskets with the help of Andy and her friend. They have been more then just supporters of my organization; they have been my sister and brother, always showing up right when I needed them the most and without my even asking. They are true friends.

Ryan and Moina came into my life just at the right second. I was down and losing steam. I needed to more angels in my life and God answered my prayers right on time, just like he always does. I’ve only know them for about 6 months maybe 7 and they are two people who I admire, respect and have so much love for. Ryan did an outreach in the Philippines and in honor of my and what he and Moina call my inspiration to them, he called it a Do Something Saturday.

As I look back and see what I am emerging from, there is no way I could ever go back to the way things were in my life and things were awesome by all means. I had money, a condo in Santa Monica and sweet paid in New York. I was cooking all over the place. I had a 7 series BMW and an Audi. I only shopped at Nordstrom, Saks Fifth and I never flew coach. I was what most would call “successful” and I was. However I am far more successful and far more powerful now with NOTHING then I ever was with everything.

I’ve found my purpose in life and that is worth more to me then all that I had. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a bad person and yes I still did community work. I was still very much involved, however I was never on the front lines like I am now. Fancy cars, swank pads, fake “friends” mean nothing, because when you need someone to clean your vomit and help you wipe your ass, fake “friends” run will run and hide and act as if they don’t know you. Fake “friends” come back into your life only to look and see, just like people who brake hard to see a car crash but won’t get out their car to help, but they’ll slow the rest of us down.

So in the words of Lee Iacocca “Lead, move or get out the way” This is my personal slogan for all that will be in my life from now on. I have no time for small minded people doing small minded things in a time when we need not just big minds doing bigger things that work for the good for all of us, not just the rich or fancy folk. I have no time for people who sit and talk, but never produce and they have no place in my life or my organization. Ma use to say “hang out with people who are doing things, not those who just like to look good talking about it.”

I se to get very upset when people didn’t keep their word, but now it no longer matters. I would get ticked off when people say “Ill donate that”, but when I say or do something they don’t like, they try to stop my mission and punish me but not being of their word. Well you only make yourself look silly doing this and I am able to see where your heart was in the first place.

As I look at the people God is sending into my life I am smiling because I see the possibility of new friendships that are real and true. Not those that are fake and only last a minute. I see new alliances that will weather any storm and still be standing tall once the storm passes. I see people with hearts of gold and the drive and will to bring about CHANGE that most of us voted for, but all say we want. I see people willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty. People willing to others in from of themselves and g the extra mile for someone not because there is a check or reward at the end, but because it is the right thing to do regardless of how the person they help ends up.

I see people like those on my friends list at Project KengiKat and Vlogger Heads. People who will stand the test and still be ready to keep on truckin. I see people willing to fight harder, push harder, stay up longer and out later because one member in the army of CHANGE is wounded and the battle most go on and I see people Black and White. Brown, Red and Yellow, willing to embrace each other regardless of ethnic make up and embracing the “colors” God created and at the same time respecting them. I see LIGHT and this LIGHT will always be better, faster, stronger and more powerful then any darkness

In 2009 people in my life, ether in person or online will be about DOING SOMETHING. Making mother earth a more peaceful and kind place for all, not just your clubs and clicks, so if you wake up one day and see you are no longer getting phone calls, text messages and/or you have been removed from my friends list it’s simply because there is no space for you in my life, in person or online.

This isn’t a new me or a fresh new way of looking at people, places and things. It’s always been me. I call it being “real” or for the more fancy people it’s called “integrity” and it isnt something you slip on and off like socks and shoes and you cant get it from sitting in your fancy car, with your fancy pants, talking to your fancy friends, on that fancy phone, on your fancy way, to your fancy day spa, to get fancy for your fancy party, with fancy people, doing fancy things, talking about fancy places, other fancy people and sipping fancy drinks, being all fancy, while you do nothing.

NO THANKS!!! I’ll stay right where I am. DOING SOMETHING that MEANS SOMETHING. With people who GET IT

Nana use to say “Fancy aint nothing but trash dressed up to look nice. When it’s all said and done its garbage and garbage aint welcome in my life. It belongs in the trash”

My outreach ROCKED

• Posted by Kengi on January 18, 2009 at 2:11am

First I want to say thanks to all the cool people who made today happen and to the people who came out to volunteer.

Donations:

Tiffany, Willow, Moina, Jackie, Jatuan, Eric, Ryan and myself (Kengi)

Volunteers:

Willow, Moina, Eric, Ryan, Adrain, Oliver and myself (Kengi)

My Friday was packed with doctors and a trip to APLA and then a bit of rest time-sitting at my broke down laptop working on the HUGE month long 2 Year Anniversary celebration for this amazing organization I started. I really have my work cut out for me. I know people read this blog and see my videos or facebook page and see many people saying they will help, but 95% of them are just talking. Their support never shows up and I have learned not to count on it. However is the other 5% that do what they say and then some and I am so thankful for them.

After my “rest” I headed down to the beach and took some time out for me and watched the sunset. That was cool and I have made it a point of trying to do this everyday now. It really relaxes me and helps me keep things in perspective. I also treat this as a time for me to reflect on my day and just be “present” with myself and God.

Back at home-I smile each time I say this- tried to get the video that I had worked all all morning ready to upload, but once again and this was the third time Animoto failed and since it’s the weekend I will be out the 10 bucks until they feel like returning it. How lame is that? After getting so frustrated with their software I got up and started to boil my noodles for the spaghetti I was making for Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people weekend feed. I never went back to working on the video.

I woke up this morning at 7:15AM. I did go to bed late, or at least I fell asleep late because I was in lots of pain from my Sickle Cell, but I was able to get some real rest. I so needed it too. I finished the spaghetti and baked the garlic bread and Moina and Ryan were here right on time. 11:00AM. We headed for the beach with a stop at Pavilions.

We reached the beach right on time and even got a sweet parking space. While we waited for Eric and Willow we talked with the few guys who were sitting in Chess Park. Once Willow and Eric arrived we chatted a bit ore and then we had prayer and got the outreach started.

It was an awesome day, the weather was very nice. I am not sure how hot is was, but for Santa Monica it was pretty warm. I am not sure how many homeless people we fed today, because all of us were busy chatting with our guests and enjoying out time together. However I will guess we fed about 20 to 30 people today.

I don’t know if you guys are aware of this or not but PETA is giving away FUR coats to homeless people at the Inauguration of President Elect Obama on Tuesday. My buddy Eric sent me this link on facebook and it was about PETA giving FURS to homeless people in Washington for the Inauguration. WOW, what a great idea right? Well people have a huge problem with this. So today I asked another homeless person about this and other things. I am uploading the video right now. It should be up later tonight.

The outreach was awesome and the people who came out to support me in my effort are truly amazing people. My new buddy Tiffany was unable to be with us today, but her donation made her very much present.

Today was a great day and my life so rocks and my organization rocks and the people I know ROCK BIG BAGS of CHIPS

DO SOMETHING SATURDAY

Taylor Burleson and KengiKat’s Great Race to the Inauguration

Well everyone, as it stands Taylor and his Ma are kicking my butt in the Great Race to the Inauguration, they left Texas 3:00PM and about 8 hours later averaging about 71 miles per hour they have made to Jackson Tennessee and racing like nothing to make it to Nashville.

Tomorrow I will begin to try to catch them or overtake them. I will leave out of LAX at 7:48AM. Taylor seems to think they have this race in the bag. He’s been talking trash the entire time.

However what Mr. T doesn’t know is that I will be flying non-stop from LA to Washington and there will be no “traffic” to slow me down, while he and his ma are ahead of me right now, they wont be for very long.

Taylor Burleson and I will be doing vids and posting blogs and pics to both the Project KengiKat and Vlogger Heads Networks. Please tune in for live coverage and views from all the coolness of the most amazing day this nation (and world) has ever seen.

Taylor asked me to say “Hello” to everyone at Vlogger Heads, please shoot him a message on either network and say “Hello” to him and his Ma. Send them your love support and prayers as they travel toward our nations capital where I will meet them and partake in what will be a very moving, touching, life changing and world wide historic event.

Please consider me for your prayers as I leave by air at 7:00AM headed in the direction. Ask god to give all parties “traveling grace” and ask for a hedge of protection around our visit and this nation.

————-

2008 came to close very sweet for me and it started right before Thanksgiving with my friends offering me housing, until my permanent housing comes along. I cant even begin to tell you how much this has changed things for me. Homelessness has a way of breaking your spirits and beating you down and without anyone in your life to support you, it will not be long before you’re one the people we see walking the streets talking to people who aren’t there and yelling or running from things that have invaded your mind.

I see homelessness as a slop and then a very step hill and places that are supposed to help are doing far more harm then good, in my honest opinion.

December 19, 2008 I celebrated my birthday just the way I wanted to. I started the day out alone, crying and laughing at just how far I had come and all the stumbling blocks life ad placed in my way that did not take me out. There were times when I was down, but far from out and that very dark night where I thought all hope was gone and I made the mistake of letting someone who only meant me harm get in my head and cause me to try to kill myself. Ahhh, but God said “Not so little boy, you still have work to do” Right away he sent my angels to hover over and provide shelter and protection from a storm that this warrior had fought alone for far too long.

I then spent the day at the Getty Center and man was I happy I did this. If you have never been to the Getty, you need to get there and plan on spending the entire day. Bring your camera, lunch, boyfriend, girlfriend or go alone. This place is simply awesome and the outside grounds are magnificent. This real a real treat for me.

I spent the evening with some awesome friends. Dinner with three special peole in my life and then bowling on my old stomping grounds as a kid. Bay Shore Bowl in Santa Monica. I couldn’t have asked for a better party and I couldn’t have planned for a better way to be with the people I love and respect. I am still blown away by the entire night.

I ended 2008 with two friends in the beast New Year’s I’ve had in such a long time and so 2009 is now here and I am smiling the way I thought I would never smile again. Please don’t get me wrong, I knew the storm would pass, because God says “troubles don’t last always” and my Ma use to say “baby there can be victory in the valley” and now I know just what she meant by this.

2009 is off to a get start and with the favor of God it will only get better. I’ve restarted my meal program and did so with a week long feeding. WOW that was sweet and so much fun. I wanna say thanks to all who support me in this effort with your comments on my videos and blogs on both Project KengiKat and Vlogger Heads as well as Facebook and youtube.

The Rose Parade was once again a sweet treat and for the second time in my life I was it live and this year I had VIP seating. USC (FIGHT ON!!!) and showed Penn State the Golden State aint called that for nothing. The sun was hot and so were the hits from the men of Troy. USC rolled over Penn in the first 20 minutes of the game. Now lets roll for National Championship.

January 10 I had the honor of attending the party for my buddy Ryan and I was fortunate enough to once again meet some awesome people who found it in their hearts to honor Ryan’s request to bring donations for my Do Something Saturday outreach project. Not only did I get donations I also gained some new alliances and people who are willing to stand in the gap for those who have less. Many of the people from the party are now here on this network (Project KengiKat) and on my Facebook page as well. Furthermore Eric and his sweetie pie Willow were part of the volunteer team to help with the outreach this past Saturday.

As I stated in my video and here on this blog, I have my work cut out for me with the ambitious calendar set for the month of February which will mark the 2 year birthday of my efforts to provide support to those who are suffering. Big thanks to all of you who sent my videos celebrating my 2 year anniversary, it will debut very soon on Project KengiKat.

I also said I was going to start training for the AIDS ride. Well thanks again to an awesome soul and someone who respects what I am trying to do, I was blessed with darn near new Mountain Bike. I will use this bike to train for the AIDS Ride and for my outreaches along the beach. I think I will be back in “sexy shape” soon. (wink)

It’s 2:16AM and I will have to start getting ready to head the LAX soon and as I sit here and think about this I am really still in shock. I’ve been blessed to travel to some awesome places and meet some pretty awesome people, but in the last 22 months and especially these past weeks God has shown me that if I keep my mind stayed on him, he will do things that no man can block or take away from me.

Nana use to say “What God has for me is mine. You can’t have it and you can’t stop it so just gone on some place else, it’s mine.” I’ve always believed this, but the past two weeks God has really said “I am in control of this.”

Who would have thought that someone like me, formerly homeless and still troubled as far as my health goes, would be getting ready to head to Washington DC to see the President of the United States of America sworn into office? Not just any President, but this nations first Black President. And who would have thought that someone who reads my blog and respects the works I do my best to do and sometimes I don’t do it so well, but he see’s the value in it, would think of me to offer not one, but two tickets. Who would have thought that someone else would offer to pay for airfare for me?

If I had to go back and do the 22 months all over again, I would do it and I wouldn’t change a thing because those 22 months have molded me and shaped me and prepared me for what I am about to step into. Nana use to say “Sometimes God will take you out, in order to bring you in” Meaning that sometimes in order the greatness that is within you, there needs to be some things cleared away in order for new things to take place.

As look back I see all that I have come through and all that I have endured. For ya see the bible says that the race isnt given to the swift, nor the strong, but to the one who endures until the end. Right now I am trying to endure.

Thanks for all the prayers, kind emails, well wishes, safe trip, happy , happy and the many cool words so many have had for me. You’ve inspired me and have given me strength to carry on. Until I see some and read or hear from others, may God blessing your and yours

I bow

P.S. Please also pray for my friend Ryan who fly back to the Philippines today (Tuesday)

The Journey to Wasington DC (Part 1)

• Posted by Kengi on January 20, 2009 at 5:04am

I started this journey at 4:00AM on Monday and right now according to my computer it’s 3:12AM and once again I have this huge smile on my face, huge smile in my heart. What I thought would never happen ever, not because I feel that Blacks aren’t able to lead or qualified, but I felt we would never be given the chance. However today this great country is standing at threshold of the most incredible and important time in out nations history.

Not only is this a historic time in all of our lives and for our great nation, and make no mistake about it, America is a great nation no matter what anyone says and thinks about her and furthermore there is no place I would ever want to live or call my country. I am proud this is my home and proud of her history the good and the bad. Both the good and the bad, it’s what makes this nation GREAT. This

This is not just a great time for us as people living in the greatest country on earth, but it is a great and historic time for the world. No other country has the majesty as America, and please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying other countries aren’t awesome and splendid places to live and be, but no other country has power to inspire, empower or support like this country.

When I arrived at LAX the energy in the terminal was magical, there were wall to wall smiles and everyone was talking about the same thing, “Obama” Right away I knew that I was about to be on a special flight to be part of not just a historic time in our nation, but a time that this country and the world will talk about for the rest of time.

When I say that this means so much more then just a Black man in the White House and leading what is still the most powerful, influential, magical and awesome country, but for the first time ever in this counties history, no longer will young Black children know what it’s like to open a history book and only have a pages talking about their culture and what a HUGE contribution to this nation, but chapters or maybe even complete books that teach about this amazing time in AMERICAN history.

I need to get dressed and head to the National Mall……..more to come

The National Mall (My trip to Washington DC)

• Posted by Kengi on January 21, 2009 at 2:00am

Monday I arrived here in Virginia to witness something that will go down as a very historic day in our nations history as well as that of the world. As I stated here on my blog on Monday I am very excited honored and blessed to even be here, so BIG thanks to Taylor Burleson and his Momma offering two tickets to me and on top of this also offered me a place to stay if I were able to make it to Washington DC. Well thanks to an anonymous donor who purchased my round trip airline tickets I was able to do just that. Join Taylor and his Momma in Washington DC. I want to say a HUGE thanks and deepest appreciation to all three of these very special people who have blessed my life in ways that that people I have known my entire life could never do.

With November and the spirit of the amazing holiday season, which has always been one of my favorite times of the year primary for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but mostly because it is also the season in which me, my mother and father came to know life. November 2008 will now hold yet another very special reason why this time of year will always be awesome to me. November 2008 ushered in the end to my 22 months of homelessness. I know many think this is period in my life that I should close the chapter on and forget about, but that will not be the case. I have been raised and taught to embrace all areas of my life, the good times and the bad and know that all of them have helped to shape and mold me into the strong, intelligent, hard working, principled, carefree and purpose driven man I am today.

When I say to you that being here in Washington DC for the inauguration for the 44th President of the United States of America is truly an honor and has a huge significance in my life is a major understatement. Being here is a celebration of my Ma and Pops, Grand Parents and all my family that came before me. It is a celebration of “Change” that has been inside of me for all long as I can remember. It is the celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his amazing Dream that finally reached far across the National Mall from the Lincoln Monument to the steps of our nations capital.

Today represented to me, as it did for many Blacks in this country the few times we’ve been able to hear the bells of “freedom” ring loud and clear and for the very first time this nation, Blacks, Whites, Jews, Gentiles, Christians and Protestants all stepped forward UNITED as ONE NATION to not just ring these bells of “freedom” , but to do so that the entire would and high heavens above would rejoice and for the first time in my life of 40 years we I heard people join in singing Free at Last, I felt it on my soul.

For the first time this nations history we’ve taken a HUGE step forward to healing this nation and repairing the damage done to a great people, but to heal and restore this nation to the great country ALL of us always believed and know her to be. I happen to believe that she (this nation) is about to show the world what a true world power and great nation we truly are.

For the first time in the history of this nation, America and the world will see something most Blacks have always known. We can lead, we do matter, we have and do contribute, for the first time in this nations history our country and the world will be forced view and accept that what has been portrayed isn’t true. For the first time in history this country and the world a Black family will lead and reshape what this country is and how Blacks should be viewed. As GREAT LEADERS, BEAUTIFUL MINDS and able to usher this nation and the world into a new era of great change and world peace.

Being on the National Mall was electric. I looked into the hearts and minds of my fellow Americans and I saw HOPE and PRIDE in ALL eyes, but in the eyes of Blacks I saw “Thank You” for seat at the table, finally. I saw “Thank You” for my “40 Acres”

For the first time in my life I saw and felt like an AMERICAN and NOT an African-American, I felt and saw AMERCANS made up of many colors that I love and embrace. I saw a nation ready for CHANGE.

The most that I will take with me from this AMAZING time in my life and AMAZING gift given to me by man but ordered by GOD. I am leaving Washington firm in my resolve to move forward with my organization and amazing “CHANGE” it has already ushered in. I am leaving here inspired and renewed to work harder, push harder, stay up longer and fight that much harder and become a more powerful and driven voice to force CHANGE as I have done for a very long time, but now joining with my Government in bringing this CHANGE as well.

I am proud to be an American and there is no place I would ever live and want to live, because there is no greater nation then America.

Next month I will celebrate the great organization I created while dealing with so much in my private life. I will celebrate the “CHANGE” I’ve always worked to make real and I will celebrate Living the Dream for 40 years DAILY.

Living the Dream to Be the Change

Taylor and Cindy Burleson Two awesome people

• Posted by Kengi on January 23, 2009 at 8:58am

Taylor and his Ma Cindy ROCK BIG TIME

I met them late Monday night. LOL, but it was well worth the wait. People say that the younger generation keeps getting more withdrawn and lazy and I saw maybe the older generations need to sit up and take notice.

When I got the phone call from Taylor I was at the doctor and wasn’t able to answer the phone the two times he called. However once I left I buzzed him and he told me about the tickets

How cool was this? I thought to myself. Getting the news I just got from my doctors suddenly no longer mattered and life did once again. I knew in my mind I wasn’t going to be able to go. There was no way I was going to make this trip. Hell I can barely afford my $96 bus pass each month on the $221 I get each month, so a plain ticket to Washington was out of the question. Besides I only voted for him because he was Black like all Blacks in this country right?

Taylor and I turned out journey into something I called the amazing race and amazing is jut what this trip was. Taylor offered the tickets and someone else later offered to pay for my airline tickets. The funny thing is how it all happened.

I was in a lot of pain from Sickle Cell and I had already been having a hard time sleeping at night, so I asked for some sleeping pills and some pain medication. However the pain medication is just too powerful and tends to make me vomit and gives bad headaches, so I was just sitting trying to manage the pain on my own. I wasn’t doing a very good job of it either.

My cell phone rang and I wasn’t going to answer it because I didn’t feel like talking, but I answered it anyway

“Hello”

“Kengi is that you?”

“Yes”

The person on the other end told me who they were and I laughed with them.

“Were you sleeping?” they ask

“Nope, just in some pain.” I replied and quickly changed the subject to “so what’s up? How are you doing?”

“I am fine………..”

We chatted for a few minutes and they the caller asked “You still wanna go to the Inauguration?”

“Yeah, but I cant afford the tickets to get there.” I reply

Just as I was talking the caller ID beep comes through and I look to see that it was Taylor. I was starting to feel bad, because I wanted to go, but there was just no way. I didn’t answer the line and continued talking on the other line.

This is when the caller told me that they would take care of the airfare and that I should pack my bags because I was going to Washington. At first I was shocked and a bit set back and I even thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me. But in the end the joke was on all my critics.

Taylor is very grown up and mature for his age. He was able to keep up with all the conversations his Ma and I had and even challenge us on things as well. I loved the time I spent with Taylor and is Ma.

At first I thought it would be awkward, I mean he and I don’t know each other offline, so neither of us knew what to expect. This could have been a complete disaster for all parties involved. But it wasn’t.

When Taylor walked in the door it was like I had knew him forever, we slapped five and did the cool brutha smack and right away we were into this really cool conversation. Shortly after Cindy (Momma) walks in and right away we too hit it off. Did I say he looks just like his Ma.

They both had me cracking up right away. Our conversations covered everything and I mean everything. We talked about Vlogger Heads and the cool people that he and I both like on here. Soon after we all were getting tired and we headed to bed.

The next day started out rough. Taylor and his Ma were going to join me later in Washington, but once they pulled off I noticed I didn’t have my phone and I didn’t know the number to the hotel. I thought I could just jump in a hotel shuttle, but that wast possible. Our hotel didn’t have one and the lady, for lack of a better word didn’t even want to call the hotel for the address so I could book a super shuttle.

After over 40 minutes of going back and fourth as to why this lady could not call the hotel to get the address so she could book a shuttle for me to get my phone, I finally walked to the pay phone and called. Once back at the super shuttle counter I was told that the next shuttle would be in an hour and I would have to wait until then.

“excuse me miss, but there are six vans out there with no one in them.”

“sir you have to wait and those are just the rules. I am trying to do my job.”

“Bullshit, you’re doing anything but your job. Now I know your busy filing your crusty nails and fixing that nappy wig, but the for getting pretty has passed. The boat has left the docks on that, so get to work or call your boss right now.”

She had on this ugly orange eye shadow and he nail polish was all crusted. The desk was covered in nail file dust.

Just then her boss walks and tell him the problem. He looks at her and tells her, we’ll talk later and gets me a ticket for the van outside.

“I thought it would be an hour?”

“Who told you that?”

I simply looked down at to the other end of the counter and pointed “You’re awesome employee right down there”

He looks down the counter and tells her to take a break. More like a Midol and break I thought to myself.

He handed me my ticket and as I walked past her I said “take off that eye shadow, cause Halloween is over”

Our ride over to the city (Washington) was awesome. The people we met on the bus were so cool and we had a blast talking with them. There were from Atlanta. I even had the chance to talk about how we met and once off the bus they asked for the website and they later asked for it again. I got an email from them today.

The National Mall was electric and people were cool and real. We all were so blown away with how awesome the capital looked and how cool the it was that all three of us were not just part of the history of this country, but the history of the world.

The sadness of the day was the horse that got spooked got his leg stuck in the grill of a suburban. Mouse was his name and he was bleeding pretty bad. All three of us were so worried about him. I took some pics and even spoke to the rider. We stayed for a while, but left because he looked like he as in so much pain. We later found out that he was ok and had been taken to a hospital.

We ended our long day walking and talking about all the great things we had just seen. All the amazing people we had just in the company of. All three of us we so happy that we had the chance to go.

Taylor you are a awesome young man with a very bright outlook on things. Stay real man and don’t let things get to you. You’re right, we shared a great deal while we were together and I am happy to have had the chance to meet you. Please tell you’re ma that she was such a gem and it was awesome meeting her.

Toward the end of out time together my Sickle Cell was really killing me. At one point I had to jump off the chair I was seated in and it took all that was in me not to just yell out and scream. The baseball bat feeling was all over my body. My face felt like it was about to crack open like a ripe watermelon that hits the floor.

Taylor very quickly asked me if I was ok. Right them I did my best to suck it up and deal with it. I didn’t want to spoil our time together, so I told him I was fine. We talked for a little bit more and he went to sleep. I sat up all night because my pain was just too great

Taylor and is Ma Cindy treated me like family. They ade sure I was comfortable and getting the rest I needed. I am so glad I got to meet you Taylor. I am really glad because you know my heart and my actions. You know ME and what I am all about. You fully understand my mission and you embrace it. Thank you so much for being the cool MAN you are.

Cindy, you’ve done a great job and it shows. Thanks so much for the love and kindness.

YOU GUYS ROCK

Days like these

• Posted by Kengi on January 25, 2009 at 2:25pm

Right when I get discouraged and right when my feelings get stomped on by people when claim to care so much for me and how much they get me. Right when all I seem to see in front of me and all around is evil and right when I feel this evil rise up against me, God does just what he promised he would do.

He lifts up a standard against all that will come against me, he builds a fence all around to protect me and guide me as I travel along the way. He shows me and tells me. “Keep still Kengi and let me fight your battles, because this battle is not yours, it’s mine.” I guess you could say I was also hearing my Ma and Pops speak to me as well. “Be still baby”

22 months the streets here in Santa Monica and Los Angeles were my home and it wasn’t by choice and there are many people who will stand and tell you, I fought long and hard, jumped through all the hoops, filled out all the paper work, met the right people, but none of this worked. However I kept pushing, trusting and believing in my and holding strong to my faith and the knowledge that God was right there with me and he had already worked it out for my good.

2008 ended very well for me. Considering how it started and what new challenges it presented me I am now looking back and laughing saying “Is that all you got?” I am looking back knowing that I am more then a conqueror, more than a survivor, more than Sickle Cell, more than Cancer, more than HIV, more than a “backwards thinker”, more than “nigger”, more than “fagot” more than the word “no” more than “homeless jokes”, more than “gay jokes.”

My trip to Washington was far more to me than “just” the election of this nation’s first Black leader. It was far more than the chance to meet this awesome young man Taylor Burleson and his wonderful Mom Cindy, who I now fondly call Momma, who provided the tickets, a place to stay, food to eat, laughs to laugh and memories I will never forget. It was more then the feeling of being American and that in and of itself felt good and is something I have never experienced in my own country. I’ve experienced it outside the country (being just an American) but never have I felt that here until the Tuesday, January 20, 2009. I’ve been African-American here in this country. As a small child I even remember being a “negro”

For me the trip was a chance to be in the center of American and World history, witnessing it first hand, soaking it all in, smiling, laughing, talking, embracing, enjoying, hearing and seeing the good and the greatness in this country which are her people. Made up of all the colors of the rainbow and then some, so I found myself asking myself a question all day long. Why would anyone ever want to erase all this “color” For the first time in my life I can say, many of us can say, I was apart of something that was and is American History and World History that isnt bad and isnt a national or worldwide disaster or disgrace. For the first time in my life I can say this was the day our country began to rejoice in the beauty of our greatness and this is the day that the “Dream” of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. started to really take shape and how fitting for this “Dream” to be ushered in by the Obamas and the Tuskegee Airmen?

I’ve watched video where people have said “I didn’t know Blacks were so unhappy” and “I didn’t know Blacks didn’t feel like they were apart of this nation” Funny how these type of videos come from the very people who don’t see color, who still see “nigger” and fly the confederate flag. The reason you didn’t know this is because you are look away and not have to deal with it, whereas Black and Browns this is part of the way things are here. I recall when Los Angeles elected our current Mayor Viragosa and I smiled and rejoiced right along with the Latino culture because it was a great time in our great city.

Just the other day I left an online site that I was apart of and a site that I came to really enjoy being part of. A site where I thought I had made some awesome new online friends and a site that is supposed to be so “enlightened” and “progressive” and a online site that is supposed to be so “different” from youtube because it embraces “community” That site might be all those things, but I don’t want to be part of a “community” such as that. I am in no way saying that all the people there are bad, not at all, just that I cant belong there because the welcome mat isnt quite ready for me yet. Maybe one day it will be, but right now it isnt ready and from what I saw, heard and read, it wont be ready for a very long time. I will just say this to people I still care about that are still part of the site. It’s something Pops use to say to me.

“If you surround yourself with darkness, you will become part of it and the light God placed in you will go out. Surround yourself with light, so when darkness comes up in your life you will stand against it and not sit by and allow it to flourish”

2009 has been awesome thus far, once again I’ve had childhood “friends” walk back into my life and to walk back out and the fact of the matter is this. We were never “friends” to begin with, so it’s easy for people to walk in and out when then really have no interest in me or what I am doing. Their only interest is almost like people who brake very hard to turn and see a car crash, but wont stop to get out and offer help and if they do stop, they will soon remember they have a fancy life to get back to and can’t be bothered with the “crash”

Matthew Susman
Is someone I use to help through my Do Something Saturday project, I am happy to report he is off the streets and living in Hollywood. He has also started a non-profit.

Brady and Tiffany
Are two more people I know very well. We stayed at the cold weather shelters in West LA and Culver City together. They showed me Bread and Roses Café in Venice and they took good care of me when I was sick. They saved clean….as clean as you can get in a shelter…cots for me to rest on at night. They shared their food and socks with me and are some of my best friends. Brady and Tiffany live in the Valley and have a son now. Tiffany was pregnant while they were homeless. Brady is going to school to learn to be a chef. I guess all my talk about cooking planted a seed and him.

Salenas Nash and her children
Are also finally off the streets. After a long hard fought battle with the system and the many sink holes it has, Salenas never lost sight of her faith and never allowed people or agencies to separate her family. She fought hard, continued to smile and her daughter remained on top of the honor role at Santa Monica High. Just when evil tried to remove her kids from her, God stepped in and showed her what she always knew. He is running things down here. Not only did the attempt to take her kids from her fail it backfired on the people who tried to carry it out. Selanes and her family are still together living in Santa Monica in a great place and she gives God all the glory and honor for seeing her and her family through a very difficult time in their life.
She is an awesome woman with a HUGE faith and a smile that will do more than warm your soul. I am honored to call her friend.

Alex, Ranota, Isaiah and DJ
This family really touched my heart and I have been pulling for them all the way and helping and providing support as much as I can. I met them while I was running my organization from the Vera Davis Community Center. Alex saw an article in the newspaper talking about me and my outreach program and he called me. At the time they were staying at placed called Beyond Shelter, a place that does far more harm then good and once Alex begin to blog again, I will let him share the story of how much this place helped him and his family.

Alex and his family are living in Compton, but are moving next month to Hollywood where Alex and is family will be in a much safer place where their amazing children can play outdoors, Ranota will be able to rest and know that her children and husband and children are now in a area and place where they all can move forward with their amazing lives. The best news is this. Alex is in film school at the Los Angeles Film School in Hollywood. He plans to use this huge opportunity to tell the story of homelessness that isnt being told. I am meeting with him and his family sometime this week so we all can smile and see just how far we’ve come.

Maliq, Menanat, Soulfari-Mali

This is yet another family I met back when I was running my organization from the Vera Davis Community Center in Venice. They too were staying in a facility or Apartment through Beyond Shelter and they too came to ask me how they could find help with the many problems they were dealing with from staff and the owner of Beyond Shelter.

After coming to just simply talk with me, Melisa Paul a manager at Beyond Shelter threatened to the family and told me she had rented a U-Haul truck and would dump the family and all their belongings at the Community Center. I then dared her to do it. I told her I would call every news organization in town and I would make a much noise as possible about her threats and how she was treating not just this family, but many others as well. Soon after I got a call from Tanya Tole, the owner of the program and she too had this attitude like she had done this family and others a huge service by being the way she and her staff are to them. She told me that homeless people are just lazy and don’t want to get help. She went on to tell me all she does for homeless people and all they do is complain. She had no idea that I was one of “those people” that she had such disrespectful thoughts, views and opinions about and she had no problem voicing them to me. She told me to forget about what her manager had said and assured me that the family would be treated fairly. She lied, the family and their 9 month of child were thrown into the streets, their belongings, even the babies diapers and milk was thrown away.

Today the family is in housing and Maliq is back at work. They are in good spirits and have a court date of April 20, 2009, LA Superior Court, 111 North Hill Street, Los Angeles, Ca. Please plan to support this family if you live in the Los Angeles area.

Both Alex and Maliq will be blogging their stories here soon.

OLD MAN

This is simply awesome. I bumped into him yesterday. For those who read my blog regularly then you know who I am talking about. If you don’t, then here’s the part of his story.

There use to be this beautiful little garden in Santa Monica right at the beach. There were roses that were in full bloom all year, produce and all sorts of awesome wonder growing in the sand and a homeless person was doing it.

Old man is what he likes to be called, he had a dog named foot who has passed away. The City of Santa Monica had plans for the very area where his garden was. They put up a park for people to play on. This destroyed the garden and all the beauty that goes along with it. For the longest time I never knew what happened to Old Man. I never saw his van, and everyone I asked said they had no idea what happened to him. One person even told me that he was dead.

Through my program I was able to make sure Old Man had socks when I had them, fresh food to eat and warm blankets. I was even able to provide him with a cell phone from my Phone outreach that I plan to restart this year. He was so cool to hang out with and talk to, full of life and energy. I am sure he knew more about growing food, flowers and just life itself then most people will ever learn. But to Santa Monica, Old Man was an eye sore and he needed to go away, so the park made this all possible.

Yesterday while I was meeting with Jan to give her the items that she requested. Willow and Eric got her new bras and panties and I found her to give them to her. I now need to figure out how to edit the video down to a smaller size to get it up on youtube. Anyway I saw Old Man walking down the street. With this huge smile and this curly white hair.

It was so awesome to see him. He was in the same motor cycle club as my Uncle Charles, in fact they new each other very well and when I told my Uncle Charles what had happened to him, he was shocked and unlike most people, my Uncle never asked or even thought that Old Man was homeless due to drugs, drinking or crime. He just knew his friend was homeless and needed some help. Before moving away Uncle Charles visited with Old Man, even rode his motor cycle down from Santa Barbara once and helped Old Man work on his bike so they could go riding like they use to. He stayed in close caontact with Old Man, visiting him often. My Uncle Charles no longer lives in California and called the other day to ask me if I had seen Old Man. Again I had to tell him “No Uncle, I haven’t seen him.”

Old Man is doing well and once again a plan meant to destroy has done just the opposite, built up that which was to be taken down or out. Old Man now lives in his own place in Down Town Santa Monica. He looks good and we are having lunch this week.

While out doing my bike outreach I saw a few people had new backpacks and they said how cool it was that these kids from the south bay came out to support them. I just smiled and thought to myself. “sweet, be cool to meet this group” well last night as I was updating my network and working on content for the website I got an email on my youtube channel from the teacher at the school where the kids attend.

I am so looking forward to meeting him and the kids if God says the same, creating a great new friendship and alliance in the battle to bring real service directly to homeless people instead of more red tape, rules, regulations and obstacles that only serve to keep people homeless longer then they need to be.

Yep, 2009 is looking good and I am glad to not just say, but show that I am Living the Dream, to Be the Change.

Blessings

CHANGE requires WORK

• Posted by Kengi on January 28, 2009 at 11:20pm

I really haven’t felt like blogging that much lately. I guess you can say I’ve been in a funk so to speak. Part of it is because I sometimes have the tendency to place tfar too much trust in people only to be let down and disappointed. I sometimes allow the words that spill out of the mouths of people convince me they really care when in reality they have no idea what words like friend, integrity, trust and love really mean. They simply like to talk about it where people can see them and then they become “sexy” or “fancy”

I am training for the 2009 AIDS RIDE and I am really asking myself why I am doing this. Yes it is a good cause, but the Gay and Lesbian Center has never helped me find a HIV doctor and in fact the last time I had an appointment it was cancelled without so much as a phone call. “Oh someone should have called you.” or “The appointment never should have been scheduled because we aren’t seeing new patients.” Thanks for taking the time to call me and let me know. Kick Rocks.

Going to Washington and seeing all the good in this great nation and to be part of something so overwhelming, so encouraging, so uplifting and so magical was the trip of a lifetime for me. I have traveled all over this nation and outside of the nation many times as well and no trip can compare to this one. The funny thing is that it didn’t cost me a single penny.

To think that people can be so inspired by me and my “silly blog” , “backward thinking” and “persnickety organization” is just mind blowing to me. The fact that they are so inspired that they would organize a Do Something Saturday in Australia and the Philippines is monumental and such a big encouragement as well as a clear message that the negative things said about me and my organization really don’t or shouldn’t matter. But they do. I guess for anyone to understand this they would have to believe in something like I believe in this. They would have to care about people as much as I care, they have to be driven and committed to going to distance no matter who or what is against them.

People say I tend to internalize things and take things on when I could reach out for help. This is very true and I wont argue with this for one second. I do this because it is much easier to internalize things and get through them on my own then to let people in or reach out only to be let down and disappointed in the end. I am tired of being let down by people and there are times when I just need to say that. It doesn’t feel good when people aren’t of their word or aren’t accountable for things they say and do.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am no saint when it comes to this, however I am the very first person to call myself and put myself in check with regards to this and I am the first person to “man up” and say sorry when I need to. I don’t have this HUGE ego that everyone keeps accusing me of having.

Training and preparing for the 2009 AIDS ride is something I really want to do. Shit I am HIV positive and the fact that I haven’t been able to get medical care or solid help with this disease is troubling to me. I always ask myself if I am having such a hard time and I am damn smart, what is going on with people who don’t even have a ounce of that I have. What happens to those who don’t have a blog to vent on, what happens when peple don’t have people like Ryan and Moina in their lives? I’ve heard people say things like people falling through cracks, well they aren’t cracks, they’re HUGE sink holes and people are right there when people fall through them and they walk on saying “Oh well”

Training to raise money for something that I cant even get care for is really strange to me. It’s almost like asking homeless people to build the million dollar lofts in downtown LA that will never be available to them. Why should they do that? Why should I ride to raise funds for something that feels like I will never get any help from? Yeah I know it will make it better for others, but what others? People like me. POOR, no health care coverage. Who is going to benefit from me riding in the AIDS ride?

Why should I lift one single finger to help someone who is rich and most cases white get better treatment for this deadly disease? I am to believe that it will someone trickle down to me? C’on we all know that the trickle down crap doesn’t work. Get all you can, can all you get and sit on the pot and poison the rest approach does work. But you have to smile while you do it and make people think you care about them.

C’on Kengi, ride and raise money, fight for a cure for a disease you have that you currently don’t have treatment for. It will be good for others. Forget about yourself don’t be selfish, the RIDE needs your help so RICH people can have a cure.

This is just what I a feeling right now and most of it is very true, I am just willing to stand up and say it because I don’t care what others will say about me or what they will think about me. I know finding a cure for HIV wont help me one bit, because I wont be able to afford to pay for it and the money I raise wont do a damn thing to help me live longer, get better health care or help me deal with the fact that I have HIV.

It also wont help me deal with the fact that I wasn’t out fucking with no condom, I wasn’t out at bareback parties. I was with someone I trusted who lied to me about being HIV positive and then didn’t bother to tell me their condom broke. How’s that for love and trust? Now I cant even get help for something I did everything to protect myself from getting.

Do I feel like damaged goods? Sometimes, yes I do. Do I feel like sometimes I wish I never knew I had HIV? Yes I do. Do I wake up some nights crying because I now have “luggage” I didn’t want to purchase and now I cant get rid of? Yes I do. Do I sometimes feel like this is a curse for God? No I don’t. Does this disease really depress me at times and the gay community depress me even further with the I DON’T KNOW answers? YES THE SAM HELL IT DOES. Is this one of those times? Yes it is.

Will I do all I can to raise the 3500 in order to even ride in the AIDS RIDE yes I will. Will I depend on people who say “I will donate” NO I WONT because most of the people who say they will are only talking because it makes them feel good about their lousy life that’s in the toilet and to think that Kengi (Louis) has HIV that “Gay” disease makes them feel better about who they are is just cool with me.

Do I get let down or hurt feeling when other gay men who say things like “I wont support you on this because you didn’t tell me I was cute” (not that anyone has said this, but I think you get my point) piss me off. Yes it does. It really doesn’t matter that we do not see eye to eye on certain things. We should respect each other enough to know that inorder for us to always see eye to eye on all things means we are STRANGE and NOT NORMAL and to be very honest it’s Very GAY no pun indented.

If we don’t agree on things like the death penalty and you then say “well I wont support you in this” the you can KICK ROCKS that’s the kind of support I don’t want and the type of friends I can do without I am finding that people like to talk about things but when it comes time to get some real work done they run for the hills and are no where to be found or they find ways that I’ve somehow miss treated them or hurt their feelings and then say “Well I change my mind now, we cant be friends and I wont support you.” When the fact of the matter is you never cared and you had no intention of working.

I guess I just care too much, I believe too much, I dream the dream of the greatness in people too much and I expect adults to be just that and not childish and petty. I take people on their word because mine means something and I want t believe that everyone was raised with core values just like I was. I want to believe that an online friend can really be a real friend. I want to believe that the friendships that have lasted a lifetime like those of Jason Williams, Adrain Randle, Dean Randle and Karen Ball are possible with all he people I grew up with. I want to believe that I am not a silly fagot or a nigger.

I guess I want many people to do things that just don’t have the capacity to do and that is LOVE and RESPECT people UNCONDITIONALLY. I want people to know that integrity isnt something you slip in and out of. I want people to know what it is like to go the distance and then some for something or someone and not throw it in someone’s face later when we get mad. I want to feel the electric energy that I felt in Washington DC.

I know it is there because I felt it from 1.9 million people. I know people have the capacity to love unconditionally. I know you have it in you because I have t in me. So I am asking all you to dig deeper, work harder, stay longer, be better, live life out loud and stop trying to erase things like color. EMBRACE IT. LOVE IT. RESPECT IT. FIND THE BEAUTY IN IT.

Come out of your fake “communities” that only care and support you and yours. Come out of your churches that won’t lift a finger to help you unless you help buy pastor a new Bentley. Put down that fake Burning Man way of thinking and step. COME OUT of your gay community and join the real world and the real RAINBOW called HUMANITY. LEAVE your fancy house with your high walls in the ghetto that you are so afraid of and get to know that people that you run down racing to your fancy jobs. COME DOWN from your HIGH PRICED LOFT and realize that homeless people are HUMAN and deserve the same respect you get and not because you are so great. GET OUT of that air conditioned office where you make laws and pass ordinances that oppress people and get to know that people you hurt and the people who voted for you because they took you at your word. STEP INTO LOVE, STEP INTO CHANGE step into the greatness that is within ALL of us so we ALL can heal, so we ALL can sit at the table, so we ALL feel like we a part of something.

This isn’t a new way of thinking, or something I read in some book and had to pay some high priced seminar. It isn’t a “secret” and isn’t “Landmark” not even “Hallmark” or “Wal Mart” This is some new found style either. It’s just plain old fashioned “LOVE….UNCONDITIONAL LOVE”

Act like you know and GET INTO IT!!!!

I love my life, I love where my life is and I love the path God has chosen for me. I love what I have created with the Leon and Mary Fields Foundation ~Live the Dream to Be the Change, Do Something Saturday ~that empowers people and Project KengiKat ~Doing Something…That Means Something..

I the words of Miss Mary J. Blige

“No time for moppin around, are you kiddin? And no time for negative vibes, cause I’m winnin. It’s been a long week I put in my hardest. I gonna live my life feels so good to get it right. I like what I see when I’m looking at me, when I’m walking past the mirror. No street through the night at a time in my life and I aint worried about if you feel it. I got my head on straight, I got my vibe right and I aint gonna let you kill it. See I wont change my life, my life’s just fine.”

The TENT that travels

• Posted by Kengi on January 30, 2009 at 8:00am

The TENT that travels a real life story of a TENT with generous support from Gary, Ryan, Moina, MTA (Metro Buses 720and 920) Story and visual support by KengiKat.

Once upon a time there was a man named LOUIS who was called by KENGI or KENGIKAT who was invited to a party for his friend and brother Ryan. Ryan was soon to be leaving for the Philippines to continue on his path to bring honor, joy and the spirit of hope to people in his homeland who were in need of such great joy.

Ryan asked his friends who attended this party to also bring things for Kengi’s outreach project, Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people and many of his friends did just that.

The TENT can from Gary who gave the tent because he felt it would help someone who really needed it. Ryan made the TENT available to Kengi and his outreach program and yesterday the TENT completed it’s awesome journey and made it into the hands of Tim**

————-
I met Tim the day after my 40th birthday, December 20, 2008 when I met with some friends at the Santa Monica Pier to do a Do Something Saturday outreach to homeless people. My childhood friends Neda and Stephanie joined me in this celebration of my 40th birthday and they also came loaded down with items for Do Something Kits to pass out to homeless people. It is the thoughtfulness, love and care of these two women and others that I was able to reach out to homeless people and I thank them for their kindness. The bonus was the awesome time we had together after the outreach catching up and the laughs and awesome times I’ve shared with them since. Memories I will always value, respect and hold dear.

When I first saw Tim he reminded me right away of Willie Nelson and I even joked with him about it. Tim, just like so many homeless people was very cool and has this calmness about him that you just cant get past. He was very open about his homelessness and reasons why he is homeless and why he is now ok with being homeless. I have nothing but love and respect for this man and I will do anything I possibly can to support him.

Last week I was able to be of support to another homeless person Jan, through a donation from Eric and Willow who had honored her request for new bras and panties. This is when I ran into Tim once again. He told me he was going to be leaving town and I asked if he needed a TENT for his trip and he said yes, but asked me not to go through any trouble to get him a tent.

I called Moina and arranged to meet her to get the tent and this week I was able to pick it up and start the tent on it’s road to Tim. It took me two days to find Tim, but I kept looking and until I was able to find him yesterday. I was out training for the 2009 AIDS RIDE when I saw him. We arranged to meet at 3:00PM and I would have the tent for him.

Wednesday at 2:55PM the tent had reached the person who requested it and once again Do Something Saturday and it’s supports had done someone awesome and good for someone for all the right reasons.

Tim has plans to leave next week.

** Tim is his correct name. Not Thomas as I said in the video here on Project KengiKat and my youtube channel.

The Mission to restore dignity and respect to people had once again, just like always done just that through kind people, doing kinds things to other people who need some love and support. Random acts of kindness, love and support are very easy to do, they take very little time and very little effort. This story not only proves this, but it also proves that GOOD will always prevail no matter what comes against it.

To my friends Ryan, Moina who threw the party and invited me to it and Gary who supplied the TENT and I believe other items, to MTA for providing my HUGE RED LIMO with curb side service to and from TENT pick and drop off I say THANKS for believing, THANKS for supporting and THANKS for DOING SOMETHING that MEANS SOMETHING.

Tim I was you safe travels and I hope the road will always rise to meet you and the wind will be always at your back. I pray the sun will always shine warm upon your face and my the rain fall soft upon your fields and for all, until we meet again. May God continue to hold you in the palm of his hand.

An Irish Blessing

Peace and Love….get into it

Old Blogs from 2008 (December)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat, Uncategorized

Thankful

• Posted by Kengi on December 1, 2008 at 12:35am

Tonight as I lay my head down I am in a space that I haven’t been in for such a long time. I am smiling and my soul feels great. The past week has been awesome. I had some pain, but not much where I’ve had to slow tings down and have been forced to be in bed. This is such a huge blessing.

The fact that I am able to say “be in bed” is so damn huge for me, because now I have the option of staying in bed and resting if this is what I need to do. I am so thankful to God for allowing someone as broke down as me be able to meet such awesome people that I have considered friends for some time now, Tina and Andy and the awesome blessing they have given to me.

They allowed me to house sit while they were out of the country and for those who read this blog and watch my youtube channel, you know I had no place to go after they returned. Well thanks to them I have a safe place to sleep and rest and for this my soul feels so amazing. If you haven’t experienced homelessness then you have no idea what it is like to wonder where you will sleep, who you might have to fist fight with or if another gun will be placed in your face. The things that cross your mind while your on the streets and the many cold long nights where all you can do is cry and search to figure out where you went wrong, when in your heart and mind you know this search will be in vain, because you’ve done nothing wrong. Life has set in and now you must fight with all that is within you, all you have stored up, recalling all the lessons your parents taught you, falling back on all the skills and tools that you thought were worthless to pull yourself through.

Having housing taken away or not offered to you because you didn’t beg enough or weren’t sick enough to qualify and even having the heads of agencies on skid row act as if you have done them a disservice by asking them to provide that which they say they do. The shame and hurt you feel when you cant do what you’ve done for yourself and for many others without fail so may times in the past; provide.

Tina and Andy may never know what they have wakened in me, what they’ve restored and how I feel as if a load that was getting to be so hard to carry and was starting to feel pointless. Not to the point of giving up on me, but on giving up on the fact that I would ever have a place to rest and feel safe again.

Homelessness and all that goes with it; missions, shelters, social workers, Godless meals, Pastors, case managers, city governments, local police, friends and even family all have a way of stripping your self respect, pride and all self worth away day in and day out until there is nothing left but a shell of what once was.

God has provided me with tough skin, for the last 21 months, although tearful, painful, degrading and downright evil at times, I’ve done an awesome job of turning something that would destroy most into a living legacy for myself and a testament to the power of faith and the will not to give up under any circumstances and against all odds.

I lay my head down with a smile knowing that I am still the great man my parents loved and raised, I am still able to do all things and I still matter, my views are still welcomed, but most of off I still have the power to lift my voice and I have learned in 21 months of sickness and homelessness that it is still a very powerful voice, more powerful, polished and positioned to bring about change more so now then when I had a fat bank account. I have learned what real friends are and what they look like and how they will stand with me in my time of need. I have learned what success is, but most of all I have learned how to put myself second even when I am going through all that I am, knowing all along that God will always make a way out of no way.

It’s 12:01AM on Monday December 1, 2008 and in just 18 short days I will celebrate my 40th birthday. (December 19) For the first time in my life I know what is meant when the saints of God say “I’ve got to make 100, because 99 ½ just wont do”

I am thankful for my life and the richness of it. I am blessed by the people that God has allowed to come in and out of my life. I am moved by the mere fact what I have made it my business to do for the past 21 months has touched people, inspired people and yes, even made this race a little easier to run for others.

I am thankful for the road blocks, the “no’s” and the closed doors. They did just what God said they would do, they’ve made me much stronger, wiser and more prepared for the greatness that I am about to walk into.

I am thankful for the hardships, hard times, cancer, sickle cell, HIV, heart infections, staph infections and all else that I’ve had to endure these past 21 months, because they have taught me that greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. All of this has shown me that at the end of the day, it isn’t about how much you have n the bank, where you live and who you think you, but it’s about who you have down on the inside that will keep you in perfect peace. Even in the midst of a HUGE storm.

Yeah, I am smiling right now and I feel great. I have a safe place and God is right this very second making a way for me, clearing a path for my arrival and making sure I arrive in grand style.

I still have a long road ahead and there may still be some hard battles in front of me, but n thing is for sure. I will go through each battle and come forth better, strong and ready to serve and be of service just as God will have me to be.

I would take nothing, for my journey now. My soul is at peace and all is well.

Let the party begin

• Posted by Kengi on December 14, 2008 at 10:06pm

After 22 long battling months of homelessness, countless fist fights on skid row 13 staph infection, 11 blood and hear infections, HIV, 8 un-honored bed tickets from the Union rescue Mission, deplorable living conditions and beyond cruel treatment from Skid Row Housing Corporation, 45 days in various hospitals, countless food poisonings, rude MTA transit drivers, cold nights on the streets and one attempt at killing myself and a entire battle field of loss, tears, heartache and pain I am happy to announce that I now have housing. YAAAAAAAAY thanks to some awesome friends Tina and Andy who I met through my Do Something Saturday outreach project.

As I approach my 40th birthday a HUGE celebration to be of service to others with my Do Something Saturday Birthday Celebration at 10:00AM at the top of Santa Monica Pier on Saturday December 20th, I also started my own celebration last night on the 12th with my two amazing friends Tina and Andy at an annual “cheap wine” party and man did I have a great time.

The “Cheap Red Wine” party is host by Tina’s friend Rhonda who lives in Marina Del Rey. Let me be the first to tell you that I had a blast at this party. I must say I didn’t know what to expect from the party. Since I had never been there before and this was a friend of a friend I jut knew I wasn’t going to have a good time. Man was I ever wrong. The crowd was just like I loved. Mixed with gays, lesbians and straights the night was awesome and the wine was pretty cool.

The entertainment was great and the conversations were even better. It was a great way to kick off my week long 40th birthday celebration. I must say it was cool to have people come up to me and tell e that they read my blog and really value and look highly upon that work that I am trying very hard to do. It was also very cool to hear people tell me to make sure I take time out for me and how very cool it was to see me out having a great time with friends, laughing and enjoying myself.

The point to the party –for me anyway- was to simply enjoy myself, meet some cool people and enjoy and count all the many blessings God still see fit to bless me with. For me it was a night to celebrate me and all that I stand for and all that I have been able to set into motion over the past 22 months. The many people who I have come into contact with, people and opinions I have managed to change and all the good I have managed to do for people who have less be simply asking people to understand and think about others. I have to tell you that if felt really good to have people tell me that they are now helping homeless people a lot more based on what they have read from my blog.

The entertainment of the night was sweet. To be very honest, they kicked ass. Over the past 22 months I have learned how to be open and accepting of people and new things and ideas. Music as many of you know has long been part of my life. Since I was aa kid I have always loved music. It has also been a huge part of my life and it will always be that way. The band was “Shitting Glitter” sweet name huh? Yeah I know. I don’t recall the other members of the group, but please know they all were very cool and down to earth. However Amy, the lead singer really struck a cord with me, plus the fact that she got me to crack a smile and break out into laughter, so she was cool in my book.
They did a few songs but the one that I loved the most was the one they did about craigslist. Very cool, sexy and in many cases very true. C’on guys don’t even act like you have never done the hook up area of craigslist. I know you have cause I have seen your pics. So don’t act all “holly” on me. LOL. “Shitting Glitter” was just that. “The Shit”

I ended my night with a ride home with my friend Tina and Andy. After a few laughs at home I was ready to call it a night and get ready bed. The first night of my birthday week was underway and I was having a great time so far.

DAY 2

Saturday was very cool. After a night of cheap red wine and some cool people I slept all day long. WOW did I need to do that. I went to the store with Tina around 4:45PM (whole foods) where we picked up some things for me to make a veggie lasagna to go with the bread I had baked the other night. Saturday night was going to be poker night and let me just tell you right now. I am nothing to fool around with on the poker table. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!

The lasagna was awesome. I also warmed up the bread and also made a salad. Tina invited her friend Lourdes over and she provided us with a sweet Dutch Apple pie, but she too was no match for me on the poker table.

After dinner and very quick lesson on how to play Texas Holdem I showed them who was the true KING on the poker table. I smashed all of them. Don’t listen for one second to anything they tell you. They are just upset that I crushed them they way I did.

The dinner conversation was awesome and once again after a while I was ready to head to bed and get ready for yet another awesome day. I was sure to sleep like a baby this night because I had some awesome things to help me sleep well. An awesome day with cool friends.

DAY 3

Sunday started off kind of slow. I started to decline going with Andy to the BP/Pepesi party but I am so glad I didn’t. Tina didn’t join us on this big adventure, so it became boys afternoon out. WOW did Andy and I have a great time.

The party was in West Hollywood at this really cool place. It had an open bar and some sweet DJ’s spinning up some sweet tunes. Man when I heard “It’s tricky to rock a rhyme” by Run DMC I was ready to get my ass to the dance floor.

Andy and I were like two famous celebrities in the house. I wore a pair of slick ass pants that Andy designed and he wore some sweet pants too. People were all over us and the two of us were by far the most popular guys at the party and not because we shopped at Bloomingdales or some BS place like that. Hell we were just two cool kats and it showed.

The party started off kind of weak , but picked up very fast. The crowd was once again just like I like it. Very mixed and this time I didn’t even bother to count the other chips in the cookie because there was plenty. SO THERE. Everyone was cool, down to earth, they all must have been from LA originally, that’s was the only real explanation I could come up with. I mean that many people at a Hollywood party and no fakes or people with a ton of tude, yep they all had to be originally from Cali. (all you busters back up) LOL

This party was so cool it had an open bar and the sexy little lady who kept Andy and I filled to the rim was so nice she walked away with a 20 buck tip. Hey people I even got some phone numbers and was told how very sexy I was. OH YEAH.

The cool thing was once again being able to talk about my Do Something Saturday project and it was also cool to have people come up to me and talk to me about the blog. However the shinning star of the night was my buddy Andy. His designs were a major hit tonight and I was so proud to even be able to have a pair of his pants on.

All night long people asked about the pants I had on and I was more then happy to introduce them to Andy and he was more then happy to talk about his awesome designs. At one point in the night this sexy little lady comes up and asks me. “do you guys go to burning man?” I laughed and said “what makes you ask that?” she pointed to my sexy pants. Again I introduced her to Andrew and he talked about his designs once again.

I got my groove on the dance floor and even mixed it up a little with this sexy chocolate number before I had to let her down and tell her I was gay. She laughed and said “all the good bruthas are baby” Don’t have the playa baby, hate the game. LOL It wasn’t long before I had to sting another little chocolate number with the fact that I am gay.

“You look good Daddy, what’s your name?”

“Ah, thanks baby girl. My name is Kengi. But don’t let the smooth taste full ya. I am gay.” I laughed

“Now aint that a caution?” she laughs back

“No caution at all little lady, just keeping it real and letting you know up front.”

“Well Daddy you sill got it goin on.”

“That’s love.” I said as we both dance for a bit.

The DJ’s of the night were hot and the crowd really was digging them. It was so cool to spend the yet another night with some sexy people who were both cool and HOT and enjoy night three of my birthday celebration.

Andy and I left the venue around 7:30PM and walked down to Santa Monica Boulevard and jumped on the 4 headed back towards Santa Monica. We ended our night with some awesome veggie food from a place Tina had ordered from. I am yawning now and have this huge smile on face.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had this much fun and man do I feel so awesome right now. I met some very cool people tonight and was able to share my mission and parts of my story from the last 22 months. I am looking forward to my Do Something Saturday outreach project on the 20th. I am also looking forward to my small get together with a small group of friends on Friday night the 19th (my 40th)

I hop you enjoy the pics. Sorry I deleted the pics from the wine party. I suck I know, but the pics from the poker night and the BP/PEPSI party are with this blog. To see all of them please visit my network here on ning. http://projectkengikat.ning.com

Blessings

Celebrate my 40th by helping others. PRICELESS

• Posted by Kengi on December 15, 2008 at 5:49pm

As I get ready to celebrate my 40th birthday I am very careful to remember the any thousands of people who are homeless here in Los Angeles. It was 22 long months of homelessness for me and I am still going to do all I can to help those who truly want to be helped.

The rain has already started to fall here in Sothern California and many homeless people are still faced with sleeping outside in the cold rainy weather. Even with two cold weather shelters open here in the Los Angeles there still aren’t enough shelter beds to house the thousands of homeless people here in LA.

My continuing efforts to provide some assistance to as many people as I can will take place on Saturday, December 20, 2008 at 10:00AM at the top of the Santa Monica Pier. I am asking all who ready my blog and watch my youtube channel to get involved in helping me celebrate by being of service to those who have less. The following items are requested

Do Something Kits include:

Do Something Kits include the following items:
• New pairs of socks
• Granola, power, protein or cliff bars
• bar soap or body wash
• hand or face towels
• tooth brushes and tooth paste
• mouth wash
• deodorant
• bottle water
• beanies (hats)
• shampoo and conditioner
• hand lotion
• large zip lock bags
• Hand Sanitizer
• Small first aid kit
• Gloves
• Any other winter item you feel will help someone get through this cold winter on the streets

We are looking to provide bag lunches. Please make certain the bag lunches are healthy and filling. This may be the only meal a homeless person get on this day.
Please get in touch with me for ways you can drop off your donations or participate in my 40th birthday celebration. kengikat@gmail.com or visit the website for all the details on the event www.dosomethingsaturday.org
Blessings
Kengi

One Nation

• Posted by Kengi on December 16, 2008 at 5:12pm

It’s Tuesday the 16th of December and I am sitting in front of a Christmas tree in the apartment I’ve been asked to share with my two friends Tina and Andy and their roommie, now someone I too consider a friend Jason. It’s about 5 minutes to 4:00PM and I will soon walk into Andy’s room and turn on the TV and look at the channel 7 eyewitness news. I just got home from talking to homeless people along the beach in Santa Monica.

If someone told me 22 months ago that I would be one those people I would have laughed at them. But here I sit some 22 months later and just a few short weeks of having a great place to live and homelessness seems to be behind me. I know you might be asking what I have learned and what I would change. Well I have learned a great deal about life and myself and as far as changing things I wouldn’t change a thing. This 22 month journey was no walk in the park and most of it was filled with pain and tears and some pretty nasty fist fights. It also brought with it a hard fought battle with cancer my 5th time around, nasty sickle cell attacks and HIV. There were 16 Staph infections and two heart infections, but looking back I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The reason I wouldn’t change a thing is because this journey has shaped me into the man I am today. Stronger, wiser, better prepared and more aware of just how things really are. It’s also allowed me to meet some pretty awesome people, not just people like Tina, Andy and Jason, but some very cool homeless people as well. In addition I learned something I don’t think I would have ever learned about myself. Although it was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I did learn that I am fully able to survive without the large bank account I once had and all that went along with it. I learned that my parents raised a man who is caring and compassionate towards his fellow man. I also learned something I already knew. I have a HUGE heart and even when it is suffering is still has the capacity to reach out to others and do it’s best to make a real and lasting difference.

It’s just shy of three days before I turn 40 years old. I am five years beyond what Sickle Cell says I would have lived to be and two years past the UCLA cancer team telling me I had just 6 to 8 months to live with my cancer. It’s funny how God just steps in and make a joke out of doctors and all their “science” and “training”

So as I turn 40 this Friday and spending some time with my friends and then ahead to Saturday and my Do Something Saturday outreach project at the Santa Monica Pier (www.dosomethingsaturday.org for all the details) I am very content and happy with how things have turned out for me. However my heart is still with all the many people who still have to suffer through homelessness for any amount of time on the streets anywhere in this country.

Even though I am inside now and safe I will still continue to work even hard now to make a real difference for people living through homelessness and those living HIV/AIDS. I will become more proactive, vocal and focused on my resolve to make things better for those who have less and those who suffer from HIV/AID

S with no medical care.

In the coming months I will be working toward filing my non-profit status for my foundation I named in honor of my grandparents The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation, I will look for ways of getting my photography into studios or up in an online gallery to generate a stable income for myself. I will also work harder towards my monthly Do Something Saturday outreaches.

My short term goals are to get a new bike to restore my daily outreaches along Santa Monica and Venice Beaches and a new laptop.

As far as my health goes I will continue to be proactive in making certain that not just myself, but all those who are poor and low income like me.

Just because I now have housing my mission is far from over, my work is far from done, the lessons I learned over the past 22 months has only shown me that I have keep fighting this fight not for me, but for everyone.

As I look at our nation I see so much progress. We have as a nation elected a black man into the most powerful place in this nation, some would even argue the world. But I also see so many areas where we still have such a long way to go. Gay marriage, let’s call it what it is people “discrimination” and any form or discrimination has no place in this country. I don’t care how you feel about gays and lesbians discrimination is discrimination no matter how you look at it.

Two weeks ago someone told me

“I know what it’s like to bleed on the streets K and I know what homelessness is like and it wasn’t that bad………you make everything an indictment……..you make things worse.”

For the record this person is black with AIDS and failing kidney’s. the very last person I would think to hear such crap from.

I recall it was mostly blacks who told King to leave things alone. Not to rock the boat. “we’re fine with a few lynching here and there. Crosses burned in our yards every now and then………don’t make things worse.”

I am not saying I am anything like King, nor am I as eloquent, nor will I ever speak as well as he or suffer the way he and his family did. I am saying this. Change calls for someone to take a stand, someone to take the lead, someone to be out front. Change is hard and comes at a price. In 22 months I have lost friends, had people spit in my face, have had housing refused to me simply because I demanded what I and others are entitled to. I am asking for people and places to be accountable.

It is never ok for anyone in any part of this country to bleed in the street or be forced to turn tricks for a place to sleep. Homeless people should be forced to sleep outside the shelter they came to seeking a place to lay down.
We’ve made so much progress in some areas, but we still have so far to go in other areas and each of us has a responsibility to make sure that no one has their rights trampled on for any reason at any time, no matter if they are gay, straight, homeless, black or white.

Someone told me this is supposed to be ONE NATION my fight is to make damn sure that it is just that. ONE NATION UNDER GOD INDIVISABLE WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

Happy Holidays everyone and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

The Getty Center

• Posted by Kengi on December 19, 2008 at 7:13pm

So I am 40 years old today. Last night I went to bed feeling bad after I bumped into my friend Jack and my Sickle Cell was bugging me a bit. All night I ha this really bad pain in my tummy so I didn’t get to sleep until well after 3:00AM.

However this morning I woke and I was feeling a little bit better and it’s my birthday so I had to get up, get out and DO SOMETHING for me. So after I spent time returning all my warm birthday wishes from so many people from all over the country and outside the country as well and after I spoke to some friends on the tele, I made my way to the shower and got ready to head to the Getty Center just over the hill.

I grew up in Santa Monica, born and raised just like my parents were, so The Getty was in Malibu right off Pacific Coast Highway (PCH). Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School District is big on the ARTS, so the Getty was a destination since I was a small child. Even with my family. The Getty in Malibu holds some pretty special memories for me and today the NEW Getty Center hold some pretty awesome ones as well.

I walked out the door and took the 720 Metro to Westwood. Home of the lousy ucla bruins, but we wont talk about them. From there I got on the 761 Metro that drops you off right at the entrance to The Getty Center. Taking the bus is really the way to get to the Getty Center. Admission is free and I have a bus pass so it didn’t cost me a single cent to have this awesome adventure. There is parking at the Getty, I believe it’s $10 or $15 bucks. If you’re in the West LA, Westwood, Brentwood, Santa Monica or Venice areas Metro or Big Blue are really the best way to get to the Getty. Plus you get to spend time with people you are going with to the Getty. However I went ALONE. No better date then myself.

There is a tram that takes you from the parking area to the top of the hill. You can also opt to walk the quarter mile uphill trek. Once you get to the tram landing there is a awesome sculpture garden. Wow this was so awesome and the views on a day like today of the mountains were just beautiful. I am sure you can tell why I love SoCal so much just by the pictures and why so many people want to live here and why SoCal is home to so many people. I mean where else can you drive 45 minutes to an hour and play in the snow and the drive back and lay out on the beach? Just here baby.

The ride up the tram is cool and I was able to get some sweet pics going up and down while I was at the Getty Center. Once I reached the top I had made some friends in the car I was in and I even had 4 fans in the car with me.

“Happy Birthday Kengi. It’s so nice to see that smile in person.” The lady called out to me.

“Hey thanks, how did you know my name and that it’s my birthday?” I smiled bigger

“Well I watch your youtube channel.” She answers

“And I read your blog.” Her boyfriend rings in.
“We do both.” His parents say laughing.

“WOW, thanks so much for reading and watching. You guys rock.” I said smiling so big my teeth felt like they would pop out.

“Cool he does so that in real life.” the boyfriend says and they all laugh.

“Say what?” I asked with this puzzled look.

“You Rock.” They all say together and then we all laugh.

“Awesome, cool beans you guys do read and watch. That’s so cool”

They were all laughing again and I just knew it was because I said awesome and cool beans so I laughed with them saying

“Awesome and cool beans right?”

“That right.”

Once at the top they wished me a happy birthday and told me to keep up the good work. They also told me that they had plans to try to make the Do Something Saturday tomorrow, but what touched my heart the most was this.

“Kengi, I’ve gained a new outlook and respect for black men and gay men such as yourself. I’ve have never had anyone affect my life as much as you have this past year. You are a real inspiration to me….to all of us and each night I find myself going to your blog and reading it. It’s something that I have to do nightly. It is such a honor to shake your hand and meet the man I have so much love and respect for.”

I was stunned and tears began to fall. If you read my blog I am a big cry baby, so this should come as no surprise to anyone who reads or watches my blog or youtube channel.
He grabbed me and gave me this hug. I didn’t think he would let go. When he did I saw tears in his eyes. He put his hand in mine and said “Thank you”

“No worries man. I am just doing what God has given me to do. Thanks very much for honoring me and my work. YOU ROCK!!!!”

“Man I don’t kiss my father, but I am going to kiss you. I hope you don’t mind”

“Dude I am gay and you are smoking hot. Kiss me all you want.” We all laughed

“Happy Birthday Kengi. YOU ROCK!!!!” they yelled.

I had to sit down and collect myself. I never once thought that my simple blog or basic youtube channel would reach or touch as many people as it has. I never thought that people would read or watch the way they are and by this I am so blessed and the people who need it the most, homeless people, low income families, seniors and those living with HIV/AIDS tell me all the time.

“You’re making a great difference”

After a few minutes of sitting there and thanking God I got up and took in the beauty of the mountain top and shot a video that is now on youtube. Please excuse the quality. I tried to shoot in a different setting that I wont try again. One of my goals is to get a camera specifically for video shooting for my youtube and my foundation.

I wasn’t able to take pics inside the Getty. Although I saw many people breaking the rules and doing so, I wasn’t going to be one of them. I did however spend about an hour outside on the grounds of the Getter Center taking what I think are some pretty awesome shots.

The Getty Center is simply amazing the views from both inside and our are stellar. If you even get to SoCal and of you life here and haven’t been, please make a point of getting to the Getty Center.

While the art inside was simply outstanding and parts of the Getty was almost like walking back into time I was also very impressed with the grounds. They are just are stellar and magnificent as the art that hangs inside these pristine buildings.

The end of my day was spent in what I would a very peaceful and tranquil area. This area is filled with amazing views and spectacular vegetation. Tress with bursting pomegranates and bright red roses. Colors that just POP out at every turn and then the cool places to sit and take in all of the absolute beauty of this awesome place. All under the careful watch of God.

I hope you enjoy the pics and this blog entry as well as the poor quality video from the Getty Center. Do yourself a HUGE favor and come see why I love SoCal and why the Getty Center ROCKS!!!!

I mist drink my hot teach, shit, shower and shave. I have a BIG night a head of me. To all my friends on Vlogger Heads and my Crazy Sexy Life and I cant forget my awesome community on Project KengiKAT, I wish you all the best this holiday season has to offer and pray the goodness and fullness of God shines bright on your paths. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I will do the same for you.

To my friend Alan you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through a difficult time and to my girl Bren you are too in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you all the Best for your outreach to homeless people in your area. Cant wait to hear all about it.

Blessings

Awesome Birthday, Do Something Saturday Weekend

• Posted by Kengi on December 22, 2008 at 4:58pm

WOW what a truly amazing 40th birthday weekend I had thanks to my awesome friends Tina and Andy for a fun filled, jam packed, gut busting good old time. Then so many of you right here on Project KengiKAT, Vlogger Heads, My Crazy Sexy Life and yes even some cool friends from Daily Pics joined in to wish me a Happy Birthday and major success with my Do Something Saturday and I am so blessed by all of you.

As many of you know for the last 22 months I have lived here in Los Angeles homeless after taking my Pops for three years until he died in my condo, my 5th battle with cancer and my never ending battle with Sickle Cell exhausted all my money in both checking, saving and emergency stashes. February 3, 2007 something I never thought for one secod would happen to me, happened. I became homeless and found out first hand that things aren’t as they seem. Homeless people aren’t as lazy as most of us think and the entire myth that homeless people are drugs, drug addicts, criminals and crazy just isn’t true. Furthermore all the places like Salvation Army, The Goodwill and other places like missions and shelters as well as places such as DPSS and other government run agencies do far more harm and in my eyes prolong homeless with programs and solutions that are designed to fail the very people they are supposed to serve.

In April just when I thought things couldn’t get worse I became diagnosed as HIV positive and what took place after this was nothing short of a nightmare. Again I was faced with the rude awakening that even places in the gay and lesbian community designed to help people who are homeless and dealing with HIV are also failing just as badly as mainstream America and there doesn’t seem to be any real rush to assist people who are poor and in bad need of assistance.

Sickle Cell said my life expectancy was 35. I am now 5 years beyond this and just a little over 2 years ago a cancer team from UCLA Medical Center told me I had about 6 to 8 months to live with my cancer. There was nothing more they could do. It is very interesting to not that it was doctors and staff at Harbor UCLA medical Center that told my HIV was a “blessing” and “as an HIV patient so many doors would be open” This same center would later refuse to see me as an HIV patient until I could afford to pay for services. A representative from the hospital named Charmaine said the County is not obligated to pay medical bills of people who are poor or homeless and unable to pay. She says they have the right to refuse service to anyone. She went on to saya that free medical care at county hospitals only applies to the emergency room. Moreover it was Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center that released me from their hospital telling me that there was nothing wrong heart and again Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center that refused to see me through the ER after I had passed out while trying to see a doctor at the Venice Family Clinic. Does anyone see the four letter repeated time and again here? They don’t just have a lousy football team. UCLA also has a lousy reputation when it comes to serving the poor community and the homeless of LA County. If fact it’s Harbor UCLA that allowed a person to walk out of the ER and drop dead at Jack-n-the-Box trying to get food.

In addition to battling sickness, I was too battling things like a system in place to serve poor and homeless that is beyond repair and in desperate need of a major overhaul. The old guard has failed and it’s time for it’s removal at all levels. Our medical professionals are more obsessed with profits and how quick they can flip a bed instead of the oath they all took to first do no harm. This profession is now run by drug companies that block such things like Stem Cell Research, and other important live saving well known treatments and cures for Cancer and other deadly diseases. Our government on all levels also plays key roles in making sure the American public remains in the dark and confused about such things. Homelessness is such a hot button topic that not one person that ran for the highest office in the land even mentioned it. Not even President Elect Obama.

Turning 40 years old was more then a milestone for me. It was nothing short of a miracle ordered by God. 22 months of homelessness is now behind me and even though I still have a very long road on my way back to good health and even further from finding a HIV doctor that will treat me, I am still standing strong. Over the past 22 months I have been down, but not out, shattered, but far from broken, wounded but time and God will heal. Long were the night and all the tears I cried and dark were the days with no sun in the sky. But I pressed on always trusting and believing that the God I love and serve would one day open a door that man would not be able to slam in my face and he has done just that. My prayer for 22 months was that God would be a fence all around me and I asked him to protect me as I sought out shelter, food and warmth. I asked him to be my strong tower, my wheel in the middle of the wheel, my alpha and omega, my doctor in a sick room, my refuge in the time of sorrow, my all and all. If my Lord does nothing else for me he has already done more then enough. Would you agree?

Friday morning I woke up smiling big, knowing that I am more then a conqueror. I had made it to 40 and the storm of 22 months was starting to fade. I had friends who loved me FOR ME, not who they want me to be or thought I needed to be. I had people praying for me, not because I am so great, but because they know my heart. God had shown me favor not because I am so faithful and it not because I always obey and it’s not because I’ve always trusted him to lead me all the way. But it’s because he loves me so dearly, he’s always been there to answer my call, he was there always to keep me and protect me and he’s kept me, someone so broke down, in the midst of it all. I was 40 and for the first time in a very long time the tears falling from my eyes had nothing to do with being sick and not knowing if the pain in my chest would kill me, the tears weren’t from my Sickle Cell, but tears of joy and thankfulness. This time the tears were a testament to me and they were tears of victory for me. They were tears of “thank you” to my Ma and Pops not for just giving me some tools, but all the tools needed to come through the last 22 months without a fancy BMW or Audi, without a loft or condo and goobedy gobs of money in the bank.

Those tears soon became laughter when I thought of all the people who said I would never make it, doctors who gave up, friends who turned their backs, people pointing their fingers and all ya’ll who told me “no” for not other reason then you’re just a complete evil asshole. Laughter at all the people who said my mission was stupid and who did I think I was for thinking someone like me could actually make a HUGE impacted and difference for people who are suffering. I laughed at people like Scott from Aids Service Center who told me “You have no choice and you should be happy you’re talking to me” I laughed harder at people and staff from places like the Union Rescue Mission who said the bed tickets issued by their staff were “bogus” and “you made this” and I laugher got louder with my laughter when I thought of people parading as friends telling me that my mission to help people was nothing more then an indictment and that I was the sole reason for my suffering.

“Fuck all you haters” is what I mumbled as I got out of bed. “Nothin but a bunch of bustas” LOL

If you read my blog last week then you know I spent the first part of my day alone at the amazing Getty Center and just like I blogged last week, growing up in Santa Monica the ONLY Getty was the one in Malibu. So for me to spend my 40th birthday in the NEW Getty was simply awesome.

The sights both inside and out were sheer beauty and if you saw the pictures then you know why I love SoCal so much and it will always be my home. Like my parents and grand parents and my great grandparents Santa Monica California will always be my home property owner or homeless. This is my home and I will not be forced out of it by anyone other then God. My parents told me to always stand up for what is right and don’t give up on justice and I have always done just that. This is what the last 22 months has been about not just for me, but for those who don’t have a voice or those who have a voice that places and Cities like Santa Monica do their best to squash and silence.

Once back home I shot a video and took a look at some amazing birthday wishes from people from all over the globe. My friend on Vlogger Heads Lima took the lead in putting together this Happy Birthday video message for me from people from all over the globe. I nearly fell down on my knees crying because once again my heart had been filled and I couldn’t contain myself. The tears fell even more when I read messages from people in Vlogger Heads, My Crazy Sexy Life and Project KengiKAT. This only grew when I opened my email and youtube channel and more so when I opened Facebook. It is so strange and awesome to me that I have touched and affected so many people in so many different corners of this country and then outside the country as well.

There were people who I had never received a “Hello” from wishing someone like me a Happy Birthday. But it was so much deeper then that. These people were all saying they same things. How my work is of value, how they love and respect me and it wasn’t fake or a lip service to me. The messages touched me and blessed me and to all of you I want to express my thanks from my soul. You’ve EMPOWERED me to move forward with my work, you’ve managed to heal parts of me that I thought would never heal. My heart that I felt was so hardened from all the pain, anger, disappointment, loss of loved ones and hurt from 22 months of homelessness.

I took a fast shower and Tina and I headed out to have dinner at the Galley Steak House in Santa Monica on Main Street. This is one of my favorite places. My parents use to take me there as a kid. Since Tina and I were the only ones having dinner, she was going to treat me to this very special place. It was cool because Tina had never been there before.

The Galley is cool, very BRIGHT inside and saw dust on the floor. It’s very much a local hangout. When ever I go there I always bump into someone I know. So why should my birthday night be any different. We were able to get seated right away on the patio and as we walked by this one table I thought I heard someone call my name, but I was talking, but then I heard it again.

“Kengi”

This time I turned to look and WOW, to my surprise were two people I have only known for a short while, however they have quickly become two people I think are pretty damn cool. Krystle and her husband Patrick were already seated. They asked us to join them and we gladly accepted. The dinner was awesome, conversation cool and very funny at points and hey I even got some information on this site called 365. It’s a photography site that Patrick told me about over dinner. I have had so many people tell me how good some of my pictures are and that I should look into maybe making some money from some of them. So I am going to check out this site. I believe it was through flikr.

After dinner we headed over to Bay Shore Bowl where my party took place. Please see the photo album on my facebook page for all the cool pictures. Once at the bowling alley we linked up with Ryan and Monia. I met there two not long ago as well and they to have become two very special people in my life. They found me on the NING network where I maintain my blog network. Ryan found me on the Serve LA network and sent me a message. He expressed an interest in wanting to help me in some way. We later met at Denny’s in Santa Monica. They treated me to dinner and this is where I met his beautiful girlfriend Moina.

Ryan and Moina are awesome and it’s because of Ryan that I now have an awesome website www.dosomethingsaturday.org. He has done all the work and maintains as well as updates the site for me. it was also Ryan and Moina who single handedly helped me with my first and only Do Something Saturday in Long Beach California when I was staying at Project New Hope that I later left. It was also the first time I used Do Something Saturday to reach out to people living with HIV/AIDS. The outreach in Long Beach was a HUGE success.

Andy was already at the party before I had even arrived. So we joined him in the lounge where we all talked, laughed took pictures and shared in my birthday celebration. Then it was time for EXTREME BOWLING and man did I have a great time. Again for pics please check facebook. If you need the link, email me.

That was the best birthday party in such a long time. I shared it with some amazing people having a great time laughing and enjoying myself. I guess you can say we closed down the bowling alley. We were some of the last people out the door.

OH WAIT, let me talk about my gifts. Tina anad Andy got me something that I really needed. I warmer, sexy fleece pullover to give the OLDER one I have a much needed break. WOW was I happy to get that. Then there was the cool gift I got from Ryan and Moina. The church they attend give out these HUGE duffle bags jammed pack with all sorts of much needed items for homeless people. I believe they give out two thousand such bags to men woman and kids. Guys I just strong enough to carry this huge bag. In fact, Ryan and Andy helped me carry out when we left. Well they carried it for me. LOL.
I also got some much needed cash from Krystle and Patrick. This night was truly amazing and I am so hapy I was able to spend it with some amazing people. Huge thanks to Tina for working so hard at putting this all together for me. Tina and Andy are the true meaning of FRIENDSHIP and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Get into it.

Saturday December 20, 2008 was part two of my 40th Birthday celebration. However this time it wasn’t about me. it was about helping people tat have far less and need some love and support. Yeah I was at it again. Do Something Saturday was in full effect and this time it had such a special meaning to me. For the first time since I started the program I wasn’t wondering where I was going to sleep that night and if I would have to fight later on. I wasn’t worried about where I sat my backpack down with my medical paperwork and laptop in it. Yep this time was very different. It was more then a milestone it was a celebration of my life and a tribute to the man I am quickly becoming.

I started the day checking emails and facebook for people who might be coming to help out and needed directions. There were more birthday wishes from people from all over the globe and more videos from people wishing me a Happy Birthday. I was so touched. I had to very special messages that really made me smile so big. The messages came from two people I met way back in 7th grade when I was in Jr High School at Lincoln in Santa Monica Ca. Although many of my childhood friends had reached out and said they would with the outreach, when the rubber met the road only two people put their money where they mouth is. Stephanie and Neda. Together with donations from Tina, Andy and myself, combined with those from Stephanie, Neda and clothes from Daniel and Kimarie my outreach was able to reach about 150 homeless people in Santa Monica.

The day was so moving and so touching. I was so happy to have had shared it with such cool people doing such an amazing thing for people who so much less then most. There was one point of the day that really touched my heart and I had to walk away because I was so filled with joy that I began to cry. It was the point where my friend Stephanie shared something so very personal and moving in a video I was shooting for youtube. She has no idea of just how much she warmed my heart and soul and how honored I was that she would share something so personal with my youtube community and my friends all over the globe.

I was also able to shoot some other video that day. One with two homeless people, one with Daniel and one with Neda and Stephanie that I still am trying to get uploading to my computer, for some reason the windows uploading loads 100% of it but the crashes. If anyone has a solution or a better program for me to use to upload video please let me know. Window is a HUGE pain.

Just when I though we were almost done. My friends Tina and Andy come through with the rest of my birthday cake and She and I pass it out to the homeless people still sitting in the park at the top of the Santa Monica Pier with us. It was so cool to be able to pass out cake from my 40th birthday and see the smile on the faces of homeless people who were really in need. I think we ate just about half the cake the night before and passed out the other half to homeless people in Santa Monica. How’s that for a sweet treat?

The day wasn’t over yet and neither was my 40th birthday celebration. Tina, Andy, Neda, Stephanie, her son Niko and I headed to 3rd Street Promenade to Barney’s Beanery for something to eat. WOW all I can say is that things got that much better. I was able to talk and catch up with some people from childhood, laugh and have a great time. I was even able to school Stephanie’s kid in the game of Gallega. This was after Andy took him to the wood shed in other games.

Just when I thought I was approaching the end of my day once again it took another very cool turn. Neda had to go pay a bill and Stephanie was going with her. However Niko and I were playing a game and he also reminded Neda and I that we promised him a ride on the Ferris wheel. I wasn’t going to let him down. I had some cash from Krystle and Patrick. I looked at the ladies and offered to meet them at the Pier once we finished our game. It was cool. Niko finished getting his butt kicked at Gallega abd then challenged my to shuffle board upstairs. He lost there too. LOL. We back downstairs and joined Tina and Andy and headed down to the Pier.

Tina and andy had some much needed errands to run so once we reached the parking lot of the Santa Monica Place Mall now under major construction we walked the last block down to the Santa Monica Pier where we met up with Neda and Stephanie. They had already got tickets for the ride No I am very much afraid of heights. So I wasn’t planning on getting on this ride, but the ladies and Niko were not letting me off so easy. I really hope Stephanie has no youtube channel to share me screaming while we were on the ride.

It was an all around good time. We took pictures, laughed and had so much fun catching up and getting to know each other all over again. We talked about the fun we had growing up in Santa Monica and the fact that we are all so blessed to be able to have grown up in such an awesome place. I can’t ell you guys how very cool it felt to laugh and talk and not have a worry about a single thing. It was also very cool to share things from the past 22 months that I felt was with people who truly care and understand, but most of all respect me.

As the sun made her amazing dip into the pacific just like she always does we made our way off the Santa Monica Pier and my day was coming to a close. I said my goodbyes to Stephanie and her son Niko in the parking lot of the Santa Monica Place and Neda gave me a ride home. I was sort of sad that the day was ending and the time I had spent with two awesome people from my childhood was coming to a close, but we all agreed to stay in close touch and they both expressed that to very much be part of my life and my outreach effort.

Once back at the apartment, Neda jumped out and we hugged. I thanked her for all she did and expressed that I wanted to see her again just like I had expressed to Stephanie before we parted back at the Santa Monica Place. Neda smile that awesome smile and we agreed to make it happen soon.

As I walked toward the gate of the apartment tears began to fall down my face again. for the 4th or 5th time. You guys know how much of a cry baby I am. I had so much on my mind. I was happy, something I hadn’t felt in such a long time. My soul was recharged and in good spirits and if you read my blog or watch my youtube channel you know my soul was very much wounded. As I reached for the gate I could hear my Ma and Pops saying how very proud they are of me and how much good I am doing not just for homeless people, people with HIV/AIDS and poor people, but to people from all walks of life.

I started to recall things I had been told time and time again over my 40 years

“Be still boy” Nana (my great grandma)

“God has big plans for you.” Grandpa

“God is all over you. You just don’t know it yet.” Grandma

“To whom much is given, much is required.” Ma

“Even when you’re sick, you make me feel so good with that smile.” Dr. Hubbard

“Believe that you are special in every way. There is no one like you son and God has a great work for you to do. Answer when you are called baby.” Aunt Shirley

“You got Fields blood in that body. Act like you know it.” Big Mama

“Little Professor, God has some greatness in you. Be ready when he calls.” Pastor Reece

“Give from you heart son and always give in love and out of respect.” Ma

“Kengi, God don’t make junk” Tina

“We’re on our way Kengi. We’ll be there soon.” Andy

“I have a good son that I am so proud of” Pops (before he passed)

“Sang it for ya Father boy. Just sang it.” Church member at Pops home going service

“You were his joy. He loved you so much. You made him so proud and we both love you” Ma at Pops grave the day of her service

“She loved you so much and she was so proud of you. Now carry on the greatness they have empowered you with son.” Mama Fannie at Ma’s service

Once up the stairs and through the doors I once again cried and laughed and gave thanks for this incredible journey over the past 22 months, but also over the last 40 years. For a kid that wasn’t supposed to even be here, ya see Ma’s tubes were tied and Sickle Cell tried to take my life at a very early age. I didn’t walk until I was almost 5 years old, but the minute I did. Ma and Pops told me how I use to always RUN like I was making up for lost time. How everything I did seemed URGENT and most be done well.

As a kid I never knew what “answer the call” or “God has a calling on your life” meant and to be honest I avoided it at every turn. I never wanted to be the voice I am now. I never wanted to task I now must carry through. But I did tell God a long time ago
“Any way laid out, I’ll go. If you need somebody Lord I’ll go and if nobody else wants to go, it’s ok Lord, it’s alright send me.”

I had no idea that speaking that would lead me to where I am today. I never wanted to be a leader or an inspiration to anyone. All I ever wanted to do was make my parents happy. I live for them, my life is in honor of them. I never wanted to stand up for anyone, but looking back over my life from the very time I spoke at the Santa Monica Board of Education way back in 6th grade asking them not to end Camp Canyon Meadows to playing Jesus in the Easter play at church “The Risen Christ” to the first time I played the piano or lifted this voice in song. From speaking in Sacramento on behalf of childcare centers, to speaking in Washington for rights of blacks in prison. From cancer at 21 and 5 times after and from the first time I lifted my voice in protest at Saint Joseph Center in Venice where the guard refused to let me allow a woman and her children have my shower slot to the this past weekend for Do Something Saturday. God has been molding me and shaping me into the man I am today.

I am not a great man, please don’t give me that cross to bear, as I do not want it. Don’t call me a Saint, because I will let you know where to get off. Don’t place me on some pedestal destined to fall once you see my flaws. Nope just leave my little ass down here with the real people simply trying to make a difference in a world for people who really need some real change. I not talking about a Black man in the white house either. My Mission is to try to help people who need help. People who many cities and a great number of people consider worthless, criminal and scum. I do this because my parents told me I was no better then the man laying in the gutter, I was no different then the man sleep on the park bench, so I never learned how to look down on people or act like I was someone better then them simply because I had things they did not. So when my life took the turns it did I held on because I know I was worthy and I knew I was just as deserving as the person sitting at the table of good and plenty. I once sat at that table, but the difference between me and most of the people who sit at the table of good and plenty I am not afraid to allow my flaws to show. I am not afraid to see that the people on the outside looking in are reflections of me.

It’s very easy to sit back and make comments about people you think are under you and easier to say things like “homeless people are catered to” and form programs that do not serve all. It’s harder to stand on the front line and be part of the change for all people.

Some of us will never know suffering, pain, sorry and what it is like to turn a trick to have a place to sleep. Some will never know why that lady hides her child in the alley and gives blow jobs so her child can have clean clothes and a warm place to sleep. Some will never try to understand why my friend jack killed himself or even ask “can I help stop this?” Most will always live in a fairytale never never world where race and color don’t matter. I live in a country and world that says it does matter. A country that forces it down my throat every single day without fail. I can’t afford those glasses that let me see things through rose colored lenses or live in a world where I can ignore the elephant that is in the room because I am too focused on the flies around his ass. I live in a world where I want to one day be able to say. “wow, do fixed that and color doesn’t matter anymore.” But until we fully address situations and issues that hold us back and prevent us from getting there, many of us cant go skipping to the Lou into the rainbow filled sky where everyone is grey, but you still hold the head seat at the table.

“Thank you for caring and God Bless you.” Homeless person, Saturday, December 20 2008.” Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people outreach.

P.S. If you would like to view the photos from my awesome weekend, please ask me for a link to my facebook albums.

Aslo I have 12 Do Something Kits that I will deliver to people living with HIV/AIDS. If you’re in LA and wish to go with me, please get in touch with me.

Thank you

• Posted by Kengi on December 22, 2008 at 8:00pm

Many, Many, Many Thanks

Well another Do Something Saturday has come and gone and once again I was able to reach out and help those in need. I want to extend my heart thanks to all who supported me in this very special effort.

As many of you know I started Do Something Saturday while I was homeless here in Santa Monica where I was born and raised and continued it for my entire 22 months of homelessness. All while battle cancer, sickle cell, heart infections, staph infections and HIV. It also was my 40th birthday weekend.

Through this outreach I have been able to make some people who have nothing more then the things in their bags or the clothes on their back feel a little bit better about their situation. Thanks to many of you this program created by someone who is dealing with so much has been a huge success.

Tina, Andy, Ryan, Moina, Neda, Stephanie, Niko, Daniel, Kimarie and Halima thanks very much for you donations for this effort. At last count we reached 156 homeless people in Santa Monica and 15 people living with HIV/AIDS in Los Angeles with Do Something Kits, clothes, food.

To all of you who sent your prayers and wishes for a successful event from all over the globe and say THANK YOU.

Please visit my photo gallery on facebook for the pictures from this event and remember you can always support the Do Something Saturday outreach by donating items, making a donations through paypal or by buying Do Something Saturday gear online.

Please note. February 3, 2009 will mark the year birthday of my foundation and the Do Something Saturday Project. Please stay check the website often for all the details. Start your efforts to raise supplies for Do Something Kits, gloves, hats or buy official Do Something Saturday apparel online. Check website for details. www.dosomethingsaturday.org

May God bless all of you and Merry Christmas from all of us here at The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation.

Happy Holidays

Kengi

My Big Adventure

• Posted by Kengi on December 26, 2008 at 1:54am

Candy Cane Lane

How many of us as kids played the game Candy Cane Lane? How many were blessed enough to grow up with Candy Cane Lane at Christmas time?

I was one of those kids. Well for many years right here in SoCal the spirit of Christmas comes to life. While we may not get snow here in Los Angeles, we sure know how to deck the halls and jingle the bells.

From Downtown LA to the shores of Santa Monica. From Malibu to the South Bay, SoCal knows how to celebrate Christmas in grand style. One of the places I will highlight in this blog is the best kept secret in LA.

Just south of LAX is a small middle class community of Elsegundo. It’s made up of mainly single family homes with some stylish apartments thrown in for good measure. Now granted I not sure on what the long term health affect are from all the jet fuel fumes or the fact that the Chevron refinery is also located there, but for over 50 years this very small and cool area has thrown one hell of a Christmas light show.

This was my first time going to see the lights and man oh man was I ever impressed. I was a bit let down with only one thing of my entire experience with the time I spent there. I am a HUGE fan on trains. My Grandpa had 16 trains in what was called his “play room” As a kid I would love to sit in there for hours and play with all the trains and arrange things with him. It is one of my many awesome childhood memories.

There is a house that has a HUGE train display and I was so looking forward to seeing it. However the fear of rain wouldn’t make this so, while they did set up their display, the trains were not in service. In fact they weren’t even on the tracks, they were out of service and out of sight. The entire display was covered in clear plastic.

However while theirs would have been the most impressive train display, they weren’t the only ticket in town on Candy Cane Lane. With the threat of rain one brave family not only set up their yard and had their trains zooming all over the tracks, they also left the display uncovered by plastic. SWEET. All kidding aside, I am sure the family that didn’t have their trains running did so with good reason and what they had out, while it was covered was still amazing. I was able to get some cool pics of the tracks.

The Grinch, Peanuts gang, Daffy, Bugs and all the gang were all decking the halls of this cul-de-sac. Along with Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, reindeer and every single Christmas cartoon character you can think of were all present.

The airport display in one yard was awesome. It showed that here in LA who dot dream of a White Christmas, we dream of a BLUE Christmas with crisp clear sun filled blue skies. This was one of my favorite displays.

The entire street was decked out and I was very happy to have had the chance to see it. The houses that were the coolest to me were those who bucked tradition and kept in step with the real meaning of CHRISTmas. There weren’t many, but I saw one yard with the Nativity scene and one other with the Three Wise Men.

Tonight I will go to Venice and take in yet another awesome light show in the heart of the Venice Canals. I also hope to take in the Nativity display in Santa Monica if it is still up. There was much protest about it, because it’s City property. However there are Menorah’s up all over Santa Monica on City Property as well as LA with no protest.

I really hope I am able to share this amazing display that is done my all churches and faiths in the Santa Monica area. It has long been a HUGE part of my life. Since I was a child I enjoyed this display along the cliff over looking the beach in Santa Monica.

In close I ask that each of you remember my friend Alan Williams who has lost his Father. Pray for his comfort and healing in this hour of dispear. I met Alan on Vlogger heads and since the word GO he has been so amazing to me. Please hold him and his family up in prayer.

Good night and God Bless

Night 2 Christmas Eve

I know you guys get tired of hearing me say this, but this is a hard time of year for me. So much has happened in my life and it seems like, the wheels fell off right around this time of year. So it’s just a bad time of year for me. I know I may seem like and might even act like Superman, the truth is I’m not. There are times when all I do is cry.

Christmas Eve started out as one of those days. Ya know the kind tat we all go through. One of those days that you really don’t want to take out on people or one of those days that people shouldn’t take personal. Yeah those days, however I tried to stay busy and not think about the fact that my parents are no longer here and I wouldn’t be seeing them, talking to them and any of the things I use to do with my folks this time of year.

I am also BROKE, to be perfectly honest I am down like four flat tires. But I really wanted to show my roomies that I love them and really appreciate all they have done for me. So I went into my backpack and took out my this little red pack where I keep my change. I counted it all out and I had $9 bucks. What the fuck was I going to do with $9 bucks for three people. I could try to make dinner, but what would I make for the amount of money I had and what in God’s name would it taste like.

Well, let’s say “AMEN” for 99 cent only stores. I don’t know if you have them in your neck of the woods, but praise God they are here in SoCal. After doing the recycling I came back grabbed my backpack and walked up to get the Big Blue. If you don’t live here in LA, then I will tell you that Big Blue is Santa Monica’s Bus. Santa Monica Municipal Bus Line. Blacks have always called it Big Blue because of it’s color. Santa Monica would later blaze it all over their busses and bus stops and give no credit to where the nick name came from. I guess this is all part of the “Doing the Right Things Right” campaign the City of Santa Monica now has. Ok I got sidetracked, sorry. So I jumped on the number 3 and headed to Venice to the 99 cent store and got some things for dinner. I was making two quiches, spinach salad and peanut butter cookies. There is nothing over 99 cents in this store. So I was able to get all I needed for 8 bucks. I was making the pie shell, and cookies from scratch.

I was alone, so I grabbed my laptop and loaded “Pandora” it’s an internet radio. I have like 12 different stations that I have come up with. You should check it out if you don’t know it. It’s great and you tell it what you like and don’t like. Very cool. I tunned into my “Chicago Mass Choir” station, that GOSPEL. BLACK GOSPEL, let me be clear. It wont only play Chicago Mass, but it will play songs along the same line.

The first song was “Yes, I’m a Believer.” I smiled BIG, because I love this song. This is “old school” I started working and the music got better and better and this only got me to whip out my awesome cooking skills. Ya’ll did know I use to be a private chef right?

As I made dinner I had to recall certain tips Grandma and Ma taught me. It was so cool having the apartment to myself because I could also sing along. Ya’ll know I sing and play piano as well right? If you want to hear my skills, then visit my network. Track 2 on the main page is…….you guessed it. ME.

Anyway I made dinner and baked cookies and I was very happy with the result. I made the pie shell just by recalling my Grandma talk it to me in my head. The “simple quiche” I made I could hear Ma walking me through it and the cookie were again Grandma in my head.

Not to blow my own horn, but dinner was awesome and I was so happy I had the 9 bucks and the skills to do it and make it taste like it came from a five star place. Yeah I can cook dirt and you’ll love it. “May I have some more please”

That was my gift to my roomies. My plans after we ate was to head down to see the Nativity lights in Santa Monica, but Andy said we were opening presents. So I was really ready to go. I wasn’t expecting to get anything, so there was no need for me to stick around. Little did I know, Santa was coming for me too. I posted the video and some have already commented on it. Thanks for the nice emails and cool comments.

I had such a hard time getting to sleep because I had so much on my mind. I also shot a vid of that as well. I just couldn’t get my parents out my head, so I shot a vid. Balled big time right after I shot it. It wasn’t until way after 5:00AM that I finally fell asleep.

Christmas morning I had breakfast with my roomies and went back to sleep. I ha plans to get together with my friend Vickie, but that didn’t happen. I did however jump on the bus and go visit the graves of my parents. It was poring rain, so guess how that made me feel. Once back home I cried myself to sleep. The phone woke me up 2 hours later and it was my ex. The love of my life for about 15 years. He and his Ma wanted to chat for a bit. SWEET. After that I took a shower at some lunch and made a promo vid of my work and the people who volunteer. I talked with a few people and then around 8:30PM I headed for the Nativity in Santa Monica.

Since 1953 this has been a HUGE part of the Santa Monica Community, so I was so happy to hear that haters were not able to stop this very cool display. It’s change a bunch since I was a kid growing up in SaMo, but as always it was so awesome to see it.

I got back home around 11:30PM. My Roomies weren’t far behind me. Chatted with them for a bit and then looked at the pics I took as well as answered some emails and comments on my networks as well as facebook book and youtube

The highlight once I got back home was the much awaited interview with Taylor from Vlogger Heads. It’s very cool that he even thought that people would even be interested in hearing a interview from someone like me. But I was happy to do it and it was cool. Now I cant wait to see the final project. I want to express my many thanks to Taylor and Misty for working on it. Vlogger Heads is made up of some really cool people and each day I am waiting for someone to call me fag, nigger, homeless fuck, lazy or some off the all shit, but it hasn’t happened. Well not since my Obama vid. LOL, but those people can just…….have a Happy New. LOL.

I love being 40, it really rocks.

The BEST is yet to come

• Posted by Kengi on December 27, 2008 at 12:30am

The Low Down at 40

So as many of you know I just celebrated my 40th birthday on December 19, 2008 and I must say 40 really feels awesome and just like so many people have told me in the past it really has been like a life changing birthday for me. I really cant explain it, but for some reason it really just feels like a rebirth so to speak. Does anyone over forty know what I mean?

When I turned 40, I woke up and was like “wow, made it to 40” and since then my life has been filled with so many awesome experiences and so many outstanding and truly amazing people.

For the first time in 22 months I can now say my head is above water. No longer to I feel like I am drowning with no life jacket. I have always said to myself that I must visualize the land while riding through this storm and trust in my Father and open up my heart, I know that I can do this, I know that I can win” and right now I feel like I am walking into my victory.

If you’ve never been through anything in your life where everything within was tested or called into question by people, then you really wont understand what I mean. But for those that have, then I know you have some idea. Ma use to sing a song “Long as I got King Jesus, I don’t need nobody else” and for 22 months that’s what I have be counting on. Please don’t misunderstand me here. King Jesus, the great I am that I am, my alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, my wheel in the middle of wheel, my strong tower, my all and all has sent awesome people like many of you into my life, so please don’t think for one minutes that I am saying you don’t matter, because you do.

The past two months I have had some old childhood friends reach out to me, some only to peak into my life and walk away laughing, others to feel better about where they are in life, but there have been those who have looked in and saw their friend not just suffering, but in pain and hurting. They saw the kid that was so full of laughs and life now fighting for his life and never questioning “why” and in the midst of all of this, they saw their friend, even in the midst of it all, making sure that smile that they once knew was still in place and that big mouth that made them laugh or defend them in school and offer comfort to them when others poked fun, still reaching out to others and trying the very best he could to be there for others.

While I took care of Pops, people stop calling, stop wanting to hang out. You see my focus was Pops and my money was changing. When cancer came for it’s 5th visit, this got even harder and friends became even fewer. No longer was I dropping big cash to eat out or flying all over the place to cater, cook for or smile with the “A” crowd. My focus was my “hero” who was beyond wounded and needed the love and support of his only child. My brothers and sisters were no different, in fact in many ways they were far worse then people I use to know as “friends”

Isnt it just awesome how God will take something the world will look upon and call a total disaster and turn it into complete victory? Isnt is great how good will take what we call success, fame and fortunes, strip you of it and replace it with success that only he can give. I know some of you know what I am talking about and you might be doing your little dance right about now. Trust me baby, this brutha is doing his dance too.

So I said all that to say this, one of the people from my childhood is back in my life. her name is Stephanie and I have known her since 7th grade, so just like me has had a hard time. Her road much different then mine, but it is one that I am sure will touch many of you who now call me friend and have come to care so deeply for me. Just like me she has experienced homelessness, but in a much different way then myself, so together we have launched a new youtube channel called The Low Down At 40. www.youtube.com/thelowdownat40 I really hope all my friends from this network will join me there, not just as my friend, but as a friend to this awesome woman with an awesome story to tell. To all my friends on Vlogger heads I will be inviting her to our community there and I sure hope many of you will help me welcome her.

I wont go into her story, I will allow her to tell that, but I will say she is my friend and I care a great deal for her. She is a single mother raising a great little boy and she has now has two years, two months clean and sober. She is my friend and my sister and I love her with my whole heart. In other words don’t screw with her. (LOL)

If you have a youtube channel, please send us a friend request and tune in to our awesome channel. You can also join my youtube channel and shoot me a friend request there www.youtube.com/kengikat.

In close I want to let you all know that February 3, 2009 will mark the two year birthday of my foundation and Do Something Saturday outreach program. I will be announcing my board of directors and also giving the “Hero” award named after the late Mr. Williams-This was the Father as some of you know of Alan Williams from the Vlogger Head network. I want to encourage each of you to continue to reach out to Alan and continue to light your candles and hold him up in prayer.

There is one more thing I want to ask you guys to do for me for my dear friend Alan. PLEASE pray for a HEALING not just for his soul, but for his body. Pray for his health and his strength. Like my friend Stephanie, Alan has become someone I care for, admire and respect. Please pray for him. Call his name when you pray and ask God to “show up and show out” in his life.

I posted the video from the new launch for Stephanie and my youtube channel. I hope you all are well and God Bless

Days like these

• Posted by Kengi on December 28, 2008 at 12:45am

WOW!!! all I can say is this, I had the most cool day and it was very unexpected. Well sort of. I had already had plans to pass out the remaining 16 Do Something Saturday Kits, my original plan was to pass the kits out to people living with HIV/AIDS, however after emailing and calling several places that assist people with HIV/AIDS and getting messages like “we will have the person who handles that call you back” or “We don’t have a need for that” or just flat out “no”, so I took the kits down to the beach and passed them out to homeless people in Chess Park along the beach in Santa Monica.

The cool thing was that my friend Stephanie who I have known since 7th grade also came with me. However before we made our way down to the beach we made our way over to the north side or Santa Monica to visit with her Ma and pick up her son Niko.

I have never met Stephanie’s Mom before, so it was really cool to finally meet her. Right away she gave me a hung and it was like we had known each other just as long as I have known Stephanie. Her Mom is awesome and I don’t know, but maybe it’s just an old school thing, but Stephanie grew up just like me. Parents who asked “What’s their families’ name?” and “Did they grow up here in Santa Monica?” It was so cool to see her eyes light up when I would talk about things my parents would say to me.

Stephanie made coffee and her Mom broke out the box of fancy cookies and we sat and talked about the way things use to be in Santa Monica. Way back when the school system was among some of the best in the nation, when the music department was the only school in the United States to get an invitation to perform in China, back when the city had culture of every kind and families knew each other and had called Santa Monica home for many, many years. Don’t get me wrong, Santa Monica is still a great place, but it isn’t the place Stephanie and I grew up in and it sure isnt the place our families came to know and love. It’s changed a great deal and from looking at the surface many would say it is progress, but for people who have called this place home for as long as our families have and so many others we see pretty buildings, but families who don’t even know who live next door and school that are now some of the worst. So it leads us to ask, how much has the city given up in order to gain it’s fancy shopping district that attacks people like Oprah? What good are all the pretty buildings when all the mainstays like the Ma and Pop type places have all been forced out to make room for places fancy hotels and trendy malls?

After chatting with her Ma, we left and headed toward the beach to link up with David. Please see the video I have uploaded with David tonight. “Conversations with David” We reached the beach and made our way down the world famous Santa Monica Pier and found David in Chess Park. This is a very cool area that is right on the beach and made up of chess tables and people from all walks of life playing the wonderful game of chess. Yes people even play with homeless people. The cool thing is that David –the homeless guy- is the main man here. He teaches people how to play and also tells tourist where to find cool attractions through the city. David also makes sure when the donations come through this area from the local and tourists that all homeless people in the area of Chess Park are offered things like food, clothes and “Do Something Kits”

We found David and right away I saw that trademark look on his face as I walked down the steps and entered the park.

“How’s it going David?”

“It’s good Kengi how are you?”

Since I had Ms. Stephanie with me David paid more attention to her then he did to me. Which was very cool to me because David is a very interesting and educated man and I know Steph would just love him. During her visit with him she got a back adjustment, massage and he told her what items to buy and where to buy them to give herself a massage it home. She was all smiles. Her son Niko will be coming to the beach to take chess lessons from David.

While there we were able to give out all the kits and I met some new homeless people that I didn’t know. Just when I thought I had gotten an item donated that I knew I would never get rid of, I was wrong. I met another guy David who needed it. IT was a denture toothbrush. How sweet is that. David got this major smile on his face when I offered it to him. “God is good” and flashed this HUGE smile that was void of all teeth. It was so awesome to see someone smile so big.

We chatted a bit more and then we made a video with David and made our way to Douglass park so Niki could play with is remote control truck. While he played with his toy she and I laughed and talked about how cool it was to grow up in Santa Monica and how blessed we both were even though we both have come through some pretty rough times.

We shot our joint video, headed back to her Ma’s grabbed some things and she headed to an engagement. Niko chilled with me and we played monopoly with my roomies and then she joined us later. We hung out and laughed and talked and laughed more. We even had a “Chex Mix” taste party as well. It was cool

Another great time helping people and chilling with friends. SIMPLY AWESOME!!!!!!

The Journey in 2009 “Green Dragon”

• Posted by Kengi on December 30, 2008 at 8:52pm

This picture was taken in Santa Monica with my friend Tina and Andy. It was the first wave of some pretty “rockin” sushi we had in Santa Monica. This is called “Green Dragon” It was a cool way to eand a day that was so freaking awful for me.

————

I got called into the doctors’ office yesterday and I know when they call to ask me to come in way before it is time for an appointment, I knew in my heart it was bad news. When i got there and saw all my doctors currently working with me present for this “visit” my heart sank.

I felt like I was on a roll. An all time high for me. I was off the streets, doing well, 40 years old and working toward filling for non-profit status for my foundation. I am also working on the 2 year birthday of the entire thing. Again this will be a HUGE milestone for me and my life.

As many of you know I was homeless here in LA for 22 months. I lost my medical about a year before homelessness took place. The last year of my Pops life I was caring both of us out of my own pocket. I took care of him for 3 years and at the time I was unable to work. He was just too sick and then I became sick again.

While I am off the streets now, I still have a ton of medical issues and all but cancer went untreated and ignored while I was homeless and the same is happening right now. According to the state I am not sick enough to qualify for the state program which is Meda-Cal, I must have an AIDS diagnoses. So basically I most be damn near death before any help will be offered and then the help given is a government run system. All we have to really do is look at the shape this country is in to know that the government running anything is bad for everyone. Well unless you are a billionaire.

Furthermore the current help I do get is from DPSS and that is only $220 a month and $160 in food stamps. If I am able to save that $220 and someone get $1500 in the bank then I am cut off. You cant have more then $1500 in the bank. So in other words I need to stay broke, poor and without. For someone like me that isn’t acceptable. I am of the thinking that it also isn’t acceptable to many other Americans who because of circumstance find themselves on the very same program.

A single apart here in Los Angeles cost around $800 a month and a one bedroom is over $1100 a month. The cost to rent a room is about $600. So where in the name God is someone like me able to find a place to live and turn things around?

Get a job right? Right I will run right out and do that. Then once I am employed and have doctors’ appointment two to three times a week, they will just find someone to fill in for me right? Yeah right. Oh how bout this, just don’t tell them I am sick. Yeah, that will work. Don’t tell them I am sick, so when I have to go to the doctor I can just call in sick. If they fire me I can sue them for discrimination right? Give me a break. It’s doesn’t work like that.

So the bad news is this. My cancer has spread to my other kidney and it may also be in my lungs now. Chemo and Radiation is damaging my Liver, so now what’s left? Just let the cancer run wild until death?

Oh wait there is more. So it would seem that I was right all along. There IS pain in my chest and my heart shouldn’t jump around or feel like it is about to explode. 4 hospitals stays and God only knows how much money I now am in debt for only to have them tell me. “All the test are inconclusive. There is nothing wrong Mr. Carr.”

Adj.1.inconclusive – not conclusive; not putting an end to doubt or question; “an inconclusive reply”; “inconclusive evidence”; “the inconclusive committee vote”

adj inconclusive [inkənˈkluːsiv] not leading to a definite decision, result etc.

So for any doctor or hospital to tell me, “there is nothing wrong” is in fact WRONG.

So now because of this I have now have had over 10 heart infections and yesterday I was told that the pain in my chest “isn’t normal” and that basically I’ve been having very small heart attacks that have gone untreated. Not because I haven’t been asking for help, but because I was homeless and could not pay. Whatever happened to first do no harm?

So where do I go from here? Again I find myself at yet another fork in the road, however this time I am not letting the government or some quack tell me what I should do or how I shall proceed. I am going to allow God to lead me and I know he will guide me in the direction.

I am fully exploring alternative and holistic methods and seeing where that will take me. I have already reached out to a center in San Francisco and I have been invited to come up and meet with a doctor there as well. The main thing is this. I fully believe I have for a reason and God has given me a task to carry out and I know full well that my part of this task is far from complete, so I am not at all put off or worried about what the road holds for me. I do know that with God all things are possible and he is still very much in the miracle making business. I see them everyday and to be perfectly honest I too am one of them.

As the 2008 comes to close, so will many people, places and things in my life. 2009 will bring more of Gods favor in my life and my opportunity for empowerment, learning and growth. There will also be huge improvement for people who have less and I am happy to be on the front lines and in the trenches fighting for this and this is where I will stay until my dying day.

For me turning 40 and the New Year of 2009 is not just about change, it’s about growth and not growth that only helps a few, but growth for humanity especially here in the United States. It is my impression that we, as Americans are stuck in a rut but not many of us seem to see this. We are far too busy chasing pie in the sky and pipe dreams of fame and riches that we have forgotten and abandon the basic things that make our nation great.

When there is disaster in the world, we as a people out pace not just the world in giving and helping, but our government as well. When I see things like this I know there are caring people here. They just need some coaching if you will on how to take that same level of compassion and turn it back towards our own healing and we all know the United States is in dire need of “healing” and Obama will not be able to do it alone. Him simply being the first Black President of this country will not be enough. He will need each and every one of us working hard to make his “historical” not just historical but beneficial to all American. In order for him to restore the love an trust that other countries use to have for us here in this country it is going to take way more then the “image” of change to do this. We all must change along with the “image”

Someone recently told me that there has never been someone like me speaking up and standing up for justice for homeless people ever before and that they have never been a more qualified person to do so then myself. Well I think that was a very nice thing to say and believe me it was a huge honor to have someone even compare what I have done and will continue to do to the great and amazing work of Dr King.

When I think of men with Dr. King, Malcolm X and other great black leaders I see people who could have led this nation far before Obama. We I see people like Rosa Parks and Sister Sojourner, I see first ladies and great women.

I never want to live in a nation or world where I don’t see color, I will never embrace that concept or way of thinking and I will fight it ever step of the way. I would rather live in nation and world that embraces it and respects it. I was raised to respect race and color, this way I would never have to do away with it when things don’t go my way and terms like “I don’t see color” would never have a place in our society because we respect one another for who we all and what we each bring to the table.

My thinking doesn’t go against Dr. King and the amazing “I have a dream” legacy. I feel it is embracing that dream of “respecting people” for their culture and all the richness that goes along with it. Skin color does matter, but it doesn’t have to matter in ways that hold people back or exclude them all together.

In order for people to fully understand what is meant by me saying this they would have to fully understand and embrace what is meant by a black person holding up a black fist and not feel threatened by it. “Black Power” and the “Black Fist” was never meant to destroy people or wipe out anything other then wrong doing and injustices PERIOD. The images not only ask for respect, they demand it. However “history” has told another story and I won’t believe the lie put fourth.

Obama takes on meaning for many different people from all walks of life, all nations. When I see him I am sure I see and feel all the same “positive” feeling the rest of this country and to be honest the entire world feels. However I also see those Black men standing their with the heads bowed in honor of the great nation they represent and that Black fist held high demanding that same great nation to honor and respect them and at the same time encouraging the world, not to believe the hype and get involved in the “Change” that was needed in this nation.

When I see Obama and his awesome family I see those men demanding for respect and change. Obama now “commands” respect and “commands” change. I still see him with his head bowed in honor of this country and all who make it up. Let me say that one more time. ALL who make it up. I also see that Black fist held high, however this time it’s got way more “weight” behind it.

Blessings for a new year every one. My prayer is that God will shine his light in your life and get each of us to open up our hearts to humanity and change and RESPECT.

Old Blogs from 2008 (November)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

“I will…………

• Posted by Kengi on November 7, 2008 at 5:00pm



I have lived a life that has been a mix of mostly sunshine and sometimes rain. God has given me many days and nights of such joy, pleasure, awesome wonder and the there has been the pain. It seems the past 21 months my life has been more rain and pain, then anything else. But through it all, I’ve learned to follow his word and lean not unto my own understanding and never the less he always come through for me.

Someone once said to e on this blog that there must be so many things that I don’t blog about or tell people. She was so right. However the reason I started the blog wasn’t for people to come rescue me, have pity on me or feel they needed to come to my rescue. I started the blog because I wanted to try my very best to show people just how much people are suffering in this country and just how much we simply sit around and allow it to happen.



The entry I am making today is all about me and there is a lot here, so pace yourself. For those of you who know me, you will know what I am talking about. I’ve already called some friends and have spoke to them already. Others are out of the country so I will tell them once they are back, while others have mail boxes that are full or dont answer their phone when I call. So you will read it here.

I now have a team of over 20 doctors and specialists. Some for the cancer, the liver, the kidney’s, my hearts, the sickle cell and as a team they are trying to find a doctor to help with the HIV, since help from places like the Gay and Lesbian Center where I now have an appoint about 28 days from now, and the poorly run Harbor UCLA Medical Center has refused to see me and my nurse at County USC is far too busy to call me back.

“Louis we don’t know what’s going on with your body.” is how my primary cancer doctor started. She smiled and smiled back because I have long known that they didn’t know, so for me it was nice that they are finally telling me this.



“Every test we run comes back with far different results. Let’s take your Liver for example. Three months ago we thought it was going to fail and now it is doing pretty good. Then your heart. We have no idea why it beats the way it does or why you haven’t already had a massive heart attack. Your eye doctor has no idea why your vision is your left eye comes and goes at will. We don’t know where some of the bleeding is coming from.” Is what I was told by another doctor.

The whole time I am in this room with them there tears falling down my face and I am being hugged very tight by a doctor I have known since I was 21 years old. She has now become a friend to me. She makes so much noise when she feels I not being treated fairly or not enough is being done to help me.

“Ken…”
“Please don’t call me that. It’s Kengi. That was my Pops name. It has a meaning. The name Ken has no meaning. If you can’t say Kengi, then call me Louis.” I bark at him and follow it up with a smile and the entire room bursts into laughter. This is a new doctor and as a joke the rest of them told him to call me “Ken” They didn’t tell him I would bark at him.

“I’m sorry Kengi. I was that you like being called Kengi.” He says

“Well you were told wrong. And don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.” I replied and again the entire room was laughing.

He went on to tell me about the my heart and did his best to explain why my chest is always tight and why sometimes my heart feels like it is about to jump right out of my chest. There are times when it feels like someone is holding it and squeezing it as tight as they can and shaking it. When this happens I turn red, cant get air in, and I have also passed out when this happens.



“Kengi this isn’t normal and I am very sorry that you’ve been told that your heart is fine when clearly something is wrong. I wont be one of those doctors that tells you everything is ok. Something is wrong and as one of your many, many, many, many, many, doctors…..” we all start laughing again. “I will do my beast to find out what is causing your heart to act they way it does.

With more tears falling down my face I smile at him and say “Thank You.”

I with my doctors for about two and half hours, mapping out things and making sure I understood what was going on. I was given so much information and much of it don’t understand and I know I never will.

Right before I left my primary cancer doctor who has worked her ass off making calls to other doctors to help her with my medical care at no cost to me or anyone else says.

“You’ve changed the way I take care of my patient’s young man. You’ve shown me what it means to be brave even in the face of death. You’ve shown me how to love with so much hate right in front of me. I speak for everyone in this room when I say we will keep looking for answers and we refuse to give up simply because out patient has presented us with medical problems we don’t have the answers to. Just like you won’t give up, we won’t either.”



I thanked them for taking all this time out for me. They all asked questions about my blog and the work I am trying to do. They all are so puzzled by things they thought were in place for people like me and are now faced with the “knowing” that things aren’t that way at all. They all told me much I have inspired them to be better at what they do and to encourage their peers to do the same.

As I walked to the bus I began to try again because I thought of just how much I am alone. Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I know there are people who care, but I am alone. I walked and thought to myself, there will be a black man in the White House and young black boys and girls will now have something to inspire them to work harder, run faster, stay in the game longer, strive for better, know you can, know you’re worth it and the knowing that they are a vital part of this nation.

I cried when I thought of my parents, grandparents, great grandparents as well as aunts and uncles and cousins who have died knowing that a black man would never be in the white house. Not because we don’t have the skills, but because this nation is still very much racist.

I cried more when thought of people who I consider friends say things like “I wish people would stop saying he is black. He’s not black.” I’ve heard so many people say bullshit like race doesn’t matter and color isn’t an issue.



I’ve never had the chance to live in a world where my race didn’t matter or the color of my skin wasn’t an issue. I’ve never had the pleasure of living in a place where we all are the same.

Not too long ago I had a friend think that Bush had the power to stop the election. That he could control what God had already said would be. I know people who were ready to go to protest, sending letters to the city and state attorney. Emailing Senators and such. As my Nana use to say “just runnin round like a chicken with they head cut off.”

To myself I just laughed because I know that when God says it will be, then it will be and there is nothing or no one who has the power to stop it. This is none of us can afford to put our trust in anyone other then God. Ya, see at the end of the day, when it all is said and done. God is still in COMPLETE control and he will have the final say.

Someone told me the other day that I was God and I quickly told him that I wasn’t. None of us are. They reply was “we all are God”

If I were God I would have killed the punk ass who put that gun in my face and the person who spit in my face would have never been here to begin with. People like Mr. Munroe over at Skid Row Housing Corporation would never have the position to abuse people. There would have never been a BUSH in the white house. Shit I wouldn’t be dealing with all that I am dealing with now.



People have asked me what is going on in my head. My doctors are amazed that my body can someone give me just enough to get me through and then resist they try to help. They are puzzled by organs that work fine one month, then have problems the next week.

“Kengi, we don’t know if your next chest pain will be a heart attack, but we don know something is causing your heart to act the way it does.”

So this is what I think daily and have been thinking this for sometime now. When I lay down to go to sleep, will I wake up? I think daily about the pain in my chest, my friends Tina and Andy got me some depends. I asked them to because I can’t control my bowels most of the time. Sometimes my body feels so fucking heavy that I don’t want to move, but I have no choice.

There are times when all I can do is cry because the pain is so great. Then the times when I cry because I have had such an amazing journey and I have to shed some tears because God has been awesome to me, even in the midst of my storm.

My feelings get hurt when people I love and care for walk away from me because I haven’t called them and didn’t go with them to have drinks. My feelings get hurt when people say stuff like small shit they are dealing with is just as important to me now facing the possibility of death. Or friends who have seen me after chemo and turn around right after and say “do you want to apply for this job”



Each day I thank God for just one more day. Once more hour, one more minute, one more second. Imagine you have a team of over 20 doctors and specialists and they have no idea why your body seems to be shutting down and they have no idea how to fix or repair the things they know are in need of repair, but have to consider how that will damage or bring on something else. Imagine coughing blood and you don’t know where it is coming from. Imagine being on a bus and of no where you shit in your pants. Imagine nose bleeds that take forever before they stop. Even while doctors are trying to stop it and then it just stops.

I am content with my life and they way I have lived it. I am proud of who I am and what I have been able to do here on this earth. Very proud of things I was able to do when I had gobs of money to do them. Proud that I cared for my Pops and proud that I have been the kind of person I know my parents were so fucking proud of.

I am damn proud of my accomplishments in the last 21 months. With all the shit that I am dealing with, I am have found the time not to just give lip service but put do the hard work it takes to make changes for people who really need some help.



So just like my medical team. I don’t know what tonight or tomorrow hold for me. I just know that I am content and if God calls me home right now. I am complete and ready. If he gives me one more day or 15 more years I will use them to do the work he has given me to do.

So many people tell me “Kengi, you must take care of yourself, if you die then your message and your mission dies with you.”

I can’t help but laugh when I hear things like this. If it does die when I die, then the point of it was never listened to or understood. Moreover, you never took the time to listen.

Nana use to tell me “Baby you have to listen. If you are thinking when someone else is talking, then you aren’t listening.”

I want to say to my childhood friends who have taken the time to reach out to me. “thanks so much for all your prayers, love and support. That means a great deal to me.”



To all the people I have met since my mission began The love, support, kindness and energy that you have shown me is so remarkable. For those who stood with me when others attacked me calling my work fake, thanks for believing and continuing to work side by side with me to make things better for people who are suffering.

I won’t call names because then I will forget someone and cause them to feel left out, so I will just say I’ve met some awesome people over the last 21 months. People I would have otherwise never met had homelessness, cancer and HIV never been a part of my life, so I guess in some way Jennifer Murry was right. It has been a blessing, but not in the way she was thinking.

To all the people I now call friends that I have met through my Do Something Saturday project and from all the people I met from my blog and youtube channel. You’ve been awesome to me and I will never forget that. Thanks for all the love, support, advice, and most of all thanks for all the prayers.

MY GOAL

Is to be here and to continue to work on things for my Do Something Saturday project. I am in now way giving up on me. I love me far too much give up on me. I will continue to see my doctors and work with them to make my medical problems history and I will always be asking God to guide them and lead them in the right direction.

LETTING GO

Of some people. Some I really love and care for a great deal. But as my Pops use to say. “sometimes you just have to walk away.” It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I don’t want what’s best for you. It simply means that I love me more and being around you or near you is very harmful to me. I wish you nothing but the best and I pray God will shower you with love.



TAKING A BREAK

From lots of things and from some people. I just need to do this.

RESTING

I am sitting at my friend Tina’s and Andy’s. And I have to tell you this. These two people showed up right at a time when I really needed them. The ever first time was with Easter Baskets for the Easter Feast I did for homeless people, low income families and seniors and each time I need something the most, there they are. God is good and he sends me what I need, not what I want, but what I need and in these two people God supplies that. I will be here for two chemo treatments (one tomorrow) while they are visiting family out of the country.

I am thinking to myself how very happy black people must be right now. Even though they may be going through some shit how very happy they must be feeling that finally something they may have never thought would happen is starting to unfold.

Non blacks will never fully understand the joy inside of black people right now. That’s isnt to say we don’t share joy as people, so please don’t read something into this, because it is not there. It’s just they way things are. PERIOD.

ASKING FOR MYSELF

I need help. I have so many pictures that I have taken over the last 21 months and I am starting to see them on different websites and even in some blogs I have read. I would like to some how place “KengiKAT” on my photos to protect them.

I would also like very much to create an income for myself that will fit into my medical schedule and the times that I am unable to work. So I was thinking about something like a gallery opening of my photos. If there are people who can help me make this happen, please let me know.

So many people have asked me what I need. There is a reason why I don’t ask. I’ve had people say to me “I paid your cell phone bill and you cant call me or have drinks with me” when they know I just had chemo. I’ve had people offer to help with things like my bus pass and other things like a place to crash. I have had to miss doctors appointments because people don’t show up to give me a ride and then it becomes to late to ride the bus. Plus people like to remind me of what they have done. So I don’t ask.

If you wish to send me something then you can do so through paypal by using my email address. kengikat@gmail.com. I wanna say big thanks to all who have offered and all who have already helped me. You will never know just how much I appreciate it.



In close I just want all of you to know this. I am not giving up and I never will. So when you see me blogs and even my youtube channel where it am upset or even in tears. Don’t ever come to the conclusion that I am giving up. That just isnt in me. God wont allow it to be part of who I am.

…..bless the Lord at all times. His praises shall continually be in my mouth.”

Nothing can ever prepare you for death. Even when you know it is coming. Nothing can ever prepare you for the phone call or the knock at your door. There is no feeling like the one you feel once you’ve learned that someone you loved has passed away.

At 3:13AM I got the first of three calls. Yeah I said three calls. I guess yo can say I’ve had four calls if you count Tori the cat. In any case I am so very numb right now. My head hurts and my face is in so much pain from all the crying I’ve been doing.

The first call came from Atlanta. My cousin Kevin lost his three year battle with cancer. He was at home with his wife and two kids we he woke up complaining of cramps in his legs and not long after he woke up he died from a massive stroke, followed by a massive heart attack.

His wife called me first because my number was the last one in the phone. Kevin had just called me to check on me and see how I was doing. We talked for about an hour laughing about all the fun times we ha as kids. All the family camping trips, gatherings and all the other things we use to do as kids. We both expressed how sorry we were that we couldn’t be there for each other. Kevin cried because he hated the fact that I am going through all that I am with no family. He said how he cant believe my own brothers and sisters wont even offer me any help.

Kevin was a year older then me and as a kid I would always try to play baseball as good as he played. I was good, but never good as him. We both laughed when I started talking about this..

“Boy you were a mess. Do you remember that game where you had to get 15 stitches in the back of your head for trying to catch that ball?” he asked laughing like crazy.

“I didn’t try to catch it. I did. And even with the blood pour out my head I threw the ball to third base and your ass was out.” I said

“Yeah, that was some game. You were all over the place.” He said

“That was a game and the only time we beat you guys.” I laughed

I was the Best Man in his wedding and the God Father to his second child. While speaking with his wife I forgot about all the pain in my body and tried to focus on her and the kids. We talked for about 30 minutes and then she had to make other calls. I thanked her for calling and she told me how she would miss seeing me at the service. I stayed strong and didn’t start crying until I hung up the phone.

Not 10 minutes went by until the phone rang again. I thought it was someone calling to tell me what I already knew. But when I looked at the caller ID on my cell phone, I knew something else was up. It was another cousin in Arkansas.

“Hello” I said with a low voice

“Hey cuzz!!! Sorry to wake you up, but Mama Lizzy is gone home.” She said. I could hear that she was crying. My cousin has lived with her for about 5 years now helping to take care of her. Mama Lizzy was the last of my great, great relatives. She was my Aunt. I remember all the amazing stories she would tell us about of family and what it was like growing up in the south. She told us about times when her father was taken from their house when she was a little girl and beaten for something he did not do. She watched one year in horror as their little road side store was burnt to the ground.

She was 104 years old. She was one of those people who never believed in the American dream. She never voted and never had a kind word to say about whites. Sometimes it was so hard to hear her stories about growing up in the south, but it helped me and my cousins to work that much harder to make things better. My cousin told me that the only think she said about Obama being elected was “now let’s just pray that they don’t kill him or his family”

She was such an amazing woman. She outlived all her children and all her brothers and sisters. Hell she even out liven most of her family period. She had this smooth silky super black skin. She had scars on her face and one side of her body. She use to tell the story of how she got them running threw this field late one night and having to jump over a fence with bobbed wire.

“If I didn’t make it over that fence, them boys would have caught me and beat me til I was dead. I remember holding in my screams as my skin and meat pulled away from my face and arms. When I got home and after Mama cleaned me up, I got the beaten of my life for being out so late. That’s when Mama sent me here to Arkansas. This old bird couldn’t stay in Mississippi no more.”

Some of my cooking secrets and tips I learned from Mama Lizzy. She had this huge smile that could brighten up a room. It was always funny how she never seemed to be afraid of anything, but something as small as a worm would drive her batty.

The last call came at 7:30AM. It was from my other cousin in Texas. My cousin Duncan died from Sickle Cell. I’m taking this one vey hard because we are two days apart in birth. As kids we were so very close. Even as adults he and I were very close. About three years ago he moved from New York back to Texas to live with his brother and he stopped talking to family almost right away. He didn’t want anyone to see him suffer.

Talking with my cousin John was hard, because many of the things going wrong with me are things that went wrong with Duncan. Coughing blood and doctors unable to find the cause, passing out, failing organs and violent seizures. Duncan would have been 40 on the 17th of December. Two days before my 40th birthday.

I wont be able to attend any of the funerals. First of all the cost to go is something I cant even begin to take on, I don’t have anything to wear and I going would mean I would miss medical appointments.

My heart is so heavy right now. The pain in my body is so great and the amount of loss in my life has been so much over the past 21 months. I was already very said thinking of the fact that this holiday season I will spend without Ma and Pops and now I won have certain people to call to check in on.

My head is so clouded right now and thoughts of what am I going to do are all over me. My heart goes out to my family members who have given up so much to care for others and now they have the task of scrambling to find resources to burry the ones they love.

I sit here and as I look toward the mountains I see the smoke from the fires that are burning and I cant help but wonder how much pain and loss people are feeling right now. I thinking to myself about all the things that I still need to get in order so my death doesn’t become a hardship or burden on my friends. Even though I know everything is all taken care of I can’t help but wonder if I have forgot to list a name of someone to call or someone to inform.

I guess the old saying is true. When it rains, it pours. How much more dear Lord? How much more will I have to endure?

I never wanted to know what was meant by someone saying that “my soul is tired’ I think I may have shared that I have heard this term plenty of times in my life. It has also come from someone that played such a key role in my life. They were also someone that would create such a huge hole if they weren’t no longer around.

I’ve been staying at my friends place while they are out of the country and for the most part it has been awesome. I’ve been able to keep all my medical appointments and even make some time to work at finding a place to live. Having access to the internet has been amazing. On nights where I haven’t been able to sleep-there have been a bunch-I’ve been able to look for places that may be able to provide housing. The sad thing is that there really isn’t as many as so many people think.

It’s been 22 months now since I’ve became homeless. For the most part I’ve mapped it all out alone. I broke down and reached out for a case manager, but didn’t want to get one like the rest I had. I was blessed to get Tiana from APLA. She is awesome and things seem to be going great, until I had to start cancer treatments again, new infections, new medical problems and the loss of housing have made it impossible to make time to go see her. We have been in contact via email and telephone voicemail.

Being here this week I’ve got yet another infection. Taking care of Chinchillas has caused me to get a respiratory infection. The urine and poo isn’t something my system can manage right now. It is far too busy managing all the other shit. On Thursday I had to go to the emergency room to be placed on an IV drip. The infection was so bad that the meds I was given didn’t work. It got worse.

I have had some awesome days while I’ve been here. I was able to reconnect with someone I have known since 7th grade. We sang together throughout Jr. High and High School. She was so freaking cool and kind to me. I was both shocked and touched by the fact that she felt the way she feels about me. We haven’t seen each other since high school graduation. I remember standing in the quad waiting to walk down into the Greek for graduation and giving her this hug and she fixed my cap for me. We both promised to stay in touch, but then life kicked in.

Vickie is awesome. She sent me a message on face book and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was getting depressed. My Pops b-day was coming up and the holiday season is now here. Pops died the night before Thanksgiving and once again my world took a change and yet another turn. I remember asking God why he kept taking things that I so needed in my life. Little did I know that was the very night my life would not recover the way it had in the past. When I read the message from Vickie I gave her my number and she called and man I was so happy she did.

She made me laugh, took my mind off the week I was about to have, the trip to the doctor I was not looking forward to was no longer on my mind. I was talking to an old friend just like we had never missed a beat. She came to see me later and once again we picked up just like our friendship had never went away.

What I saw in her, was who I use to be and a part of me got very sad. Vickie is all business all the time. Work, Work, Work. That was me. Catering all over the place, cooking for private events and families. Meetings with bride and grooms. Shit I recall there was a time I had two cell phones. I will never forget the Saturday I catered two weddings and a retirement party. I flew home to Santa Monica the next day for my friend Kevin’s birthday and to see my folks.

Vickie and I laughed so much the night she came. It was so cool to hang out with her, even if it was only for a few minutes. (it was longer then that) Nothing has changed about her. She is still the sweetest, still has that smile that could make anyone feel better and her hug was awesome. It felt good and guess what? I made it all the way through our visit and didn’t break down. However toward the end of the visit it was pretty hard.

When she left I had the chance to speak with Jason and share some things with him and that was awesome for me to be able to do that. Since I am on the subject, let me tell you about Jason. He is roomies with my friends. At first I didn’t think he cared to much for me. I had no clue what he was told about me. Did he know how sick I am? Does he know about the HIV? But I will say that being here and knowing that he is also here has made things a bit better and he is great guy. I tried very hard not to let my sickness bother or cause him concern in any way. This can be very hard. When I am in pain I tend to make noise and I hum certain parts songs over and over and over. I also let out load noises when the pain just gets to be too much for me. I pace at night and there are those times I fall down.

I have been able to spend some time with Jason and find out a little more about him. He has this HUGE crush on this girl, but really doesn’t know how to let her know it. He is a model and works two jobs. Has what I would say very little time for him. Very different from how I was when I was his age. At 25 my catering business was on fire and I had an event planning business with another friend from high school that was also going very well. I was also in LOVE. It was very funny in a nice way to see how Jason acted around Vickie. He was shy and that is a quality he should never let slip away. Jason is sexy and a very handsome guy and any girl would be lucky to land him.

Some of the coolest things from this week was the fact that I cooked twice and it was pretty good too. I don’t get to do what I fell in love with so long ago and as they say “practice makes perfect” Well I haven’t been to practice as much as I would like to. OH MY GOD. Jason and I had some laughs. Not me regular Ha Ha that was funny now go away laughs, but the kind of laughs I haven’t had in a very long time. That was so cool to have, very cool to remember that I could even laugh like that anymore.

My time here has been a mixed bag. I was able to rest, hell there was a few days where all I did was sleep. However even with that my body is still very tired and with each passing day I become more aware of it. If someone were to tell me that i could just rest for a year and not worry about a place to be, this would not correct the damage already done to my body and to be very honest, the damage done to my heart and soul.

I’ve spent my entire life giving back to humanity and doing my very best to be a good person. Always doing the things I know my parents and their parents and their parents, parents would be proud of. I worked my ass off when I didn’t really have to, but I wanted to not just be able to take care of me, but provide things for people who were not able to provide for themselves.

I never thought for one second I would be where I am today. No place to live, no money, no parents, few friends, in so much pain and very ill with no way of providing for myself. I never knew what it was like to ask someone for something that I needed. I’ve always been able to do that for myself. I didn’t know how shameful a person could feel for even having to ask. I never thought for one second I would one day be the person at the other end of the bottled water being handed out. But here I am and there are days when the shame is so great, that all I can do is cry and ask God once again why he has taken away me. Asking him why do I have to go through all this? Why does my pain, my hurt, my sorrow, my loss all have to come at once? Asking him why certain people who in my eyes shouldn’t even be on earth let alone sitting in charge of homeless people or a country have it so easy. Why cant he give them my storm for a while?

I have to deal with what people will think when they find out I am in the situation I am in. How people will create shit and speak on what they think they know. I also have to contend with mounting medical problems and housing options that I have now exhausted here in this State.

My HIV is fine and for this I am so thankful to God, however if I were sicker, I could have housing. Now how sick is that. I sometimes wonder how sick I would need to be before I get housing. I have had social workers tell me to lie about drinking or drug problems so I could get both housing and medical care right away. I have had friends tell me to just say I am going to hurt myself and I would have medical and housing right away. I been shown and told how to lie to get social security right away.

I have just two days left here in West LA and I am thankful to God for allowing me to meet Tina and Andy through my outreach project I started over 22 months ago. I am Thankful to them for even thinking of how they could provide for me in such a powerful way. I am thankful that through this I have been able to reconnect with an old friend and be brave enough to allow her inside my world. The last few times I’ve done this with people from childhood have left me with so much hurt. I am thankful for the laughs cool time I was able to have with Jason. He will never know just how much that laughter means to me right now.

As I hear the voice is Diana Sawyer, the voices from the girls downstairs, the noise from the traffic out on Wilshire, the humming of the water cooler behind me and the squeaking of the chair from me moving around in it too much because I am in so much pain in my back and legs I am thinking that It’s now getting cold outside and I don’t have long pants, nor do I have warm clothes. Just one night at Kimarie’s in a room so cold that Tori wouldn’t sleep in (Tori is her dead cat) gave me the flu. I had flu shots when I left the hospital in Long Beach back in April when I found out I was HIV positive. I am thinking that it is supposed to be a happy time of the year. It wont be that for me this year. Even though I know I have an offer and will more then likely get other offers for a place to be on Thanksgiving, it will not help me deal with what that day holds for me. As a kid it meant seeing my entire family for all over the place. It meant going fishing with Pops and Grandpa very early that morning. Well Grandpa died the day before I graduated high school in 1987 and Pops died last year Thanksgiving morning, so fishing is out of the question and finding the thanks in that day will be very hard for me. I am so not looking forward to what the day will hold for me this year.

So as of Monday I will once again be back to square one. Back to the streets only this time I may have to deal with not having any sun to keep me warm and even well.

The difference between now and the times before i can honestly say that my soul has grown tired and it really needs rest.

Some nights I pray for death

• Posted by Kengi on November 22, 2008 at 6:26pm

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep, dear God I wish to die before I wake. My soul is so tired and I don’t know how much will I can take.

I know this sounds like a cry for help, but if you’re not God, then don’t chime in.

I had a pretty good day today. I even had a pretty god night last night. There were points when I had to get up and walk around and frequent trips to the bathroom also made my night just “pretty good” instead of great.

Today I tried really hard to stay focused on all the good things in my life and not let things get to me. I spent the better part of my day doing all the last bit of laundry and cleaning my friends room where I have been for the past 2 ½ weeks. WOW, there was a lot of things to clean.

My friend Vickie gave me a little cash and thought to myself that it was very cool because I only had like 6 bucks, so her cash would come in handy for me since I would not have a place to go once my time was up here. However I needed to do some laundry and I also had to buy some cleaning supplies and I needed to replace things that I had used while I was here. I now have 2 bucks and no bus pass. This is going to be a huge problem for me.

I get a free bus pass each month from APLA. However this time around I had a chemo appointment two days before the free passes are passed out. I tried with everything in me to get up and go get the free pass, but there was no way for me to control the vomiting and the feelings like I was going to pass out, so I gave up.

You may be wondering what the big deal is about the bus pass. Well first of all it is the only way I have to get around. I can borrow a car from time to time, but not often and even when I do get that offer I need to be able to put gas in the car. The bus pass also provides me with shelter at night. I can ride the trains and busses all night long with the bus pass for free. Without it I need to buy a all day pass that cost 5 or 6 bucks.

There is rain in our forecast for this week and not only do I not have the proper clothes for the rain, it is now sinking in that I do not have the means to keep myself somewhat warm if it does get too cold or even rain outside.

Here was my choice. Get the bus pass and skip my chemo treatment. I have already been warned by my cancer team that I have already missed way to many appointments. They fully understand that I have missed them for things that are very important but warned me that missing anymore could be very costly for me. So I didn’t take the chance of skipping the appointment and now I will pay for it another way.

This is just how things go for me and many homeless people. There are times when you must be in two places at once and you need to make a choice of which is most important, but you cant do both and you will suffer from your choice either way it goes.

I really didn’t think about not having a bus pass until I started looking at my appointments for next week and now the day that was pretty good has turned into an evening of depression. There is no way for me to make all the appointments I have. There isnt even a way for me to get through appointments for tomorrow.

I have two people I know I can depend on to help me manage my paypal account. Kimarie is one of those people, but she is busy with her new client load and isnt sure if she will be able to help me. The other person is Sarah. Sarah is someone I met through my outreach, just like Kimarie, however Sarah was also homeless and knows first hand what I am up against. I know she would help me in a heartbeat, but last week she had argument with her step mom and was thrown out of the house. Sarah is a sweetheart and she does have some mental illness. She recently lost her job after the company closed. She left me a message today from LAX where she was on her way to Dallas. There isnt anyone else I know I can trust to transfer money and have them meet up with me to give me the cash.

Yeah, today started out as a good day, but then reality set in and the fact that after 22 months of busting my ass to keep my nose above water, while dealing with a ton of medical issues I still am not even close to getting a place to call home or anything close to an ordinary life.

It’s in times like these that I really get down on myself for not pushing myself harder, staying up later or simply getting to both places at once. It’s time like these that I kick myself for not taking care of myself at all cost. Even though I know I have done all I could do, I still beat myself up. Because at the end of the day, when night falls and I am without, it all falls down on me.

What do you do when you’ve done all you can and shit just doesn’t work? I’ve made myself sicker by pushing myself way past my limits simply because things need to get taken care of and I still don’t get everything done and then it’s nights like this where I wonder why have I tried so hard? Why haven’t I given up? And why in the sam hell do I keep on fighting for? Why should I keep fighting for more nights like this? Why should I keep holding out when all I do is never enough? It’s nights like this that I pray very hard for death.

Please don’t read things into this that aren’t there. I didn’t say I am going to hurt myself or anyone. I said it’s nights like these that I pray for death.

It’s 6:15PM on Saturday, November 22, 2008 and I just poured myself a glass of red wine. I am going to watch the rest of the Oklahoma game, finish packing and the last bit of cleaning and then I am going to bed.

If it comes, tomorrow is a new day for me to work harder, try harder, be more brave and fight with all I have left in me to make SOMETHING out of all this nothing I have before me.

The call i wish I didnt have to take

• Posted by Kengi on November 22, 2008 at 11:38pm

Today started just as the day before. However this time thanks to my friends Tina and Andy, I now have a place to crash for a bit. In addition I’ve also been able to forge another friendship with their roomie Jason.

So as I was saying, the ay started pretty much the same. I got up took a shower and headed out the door for a long day of doctors appointments. While on the bus I got a call from my case manager Tiana from APLA. She was calling to check in on me and to let me know what she had been working on. She also wanted to set a time when she and I could meet up to work toward permanent housing options. She also wanted to make sure I had received her email about the section 8 being open in Long Beach.

“Yes, I got the email and I filled out the online application and I am on the waiting list” I told her.

“Good Kengi, I wasn’t sure if you got the email or not because we haven’t really been in contact with one another.”

“Hey Kengi, don’t forget bus passes are tomorrow. Can you make it?” she reminded

“Oh wow, tomorrow, thanks so much for telling me Tiana, yes I will be there. I missed last months bus pass because I had a treatment the day before, so there was no way I could make it to stand in line to get the free pass. I will be there tomorrow.”

“OK, cool, then why don’t we get together after you get your pass. Do you wanna do that?” She asks

“Yes, that will work.”

She and I talked and laughed for a bit and even talked about Obama being the President of these United States. Tiana has been a huge help, but even as great as she is, her hands are tied just as much as mine are when it comes to navigating my way through homeless services.

I finished my call with Tiana as I walked into my first doctors appointment. This appointment was with three eye doctors. They want to find the source of my failing vision and why I seem to get these painful headaches followed shortly by loss of vision for short periods of time. After that appointment I was off to see another set of doctors, this set is for my liver, that UCLA told me there was nothing wrong with. However this set of doctors feel otherwise and all test run also show otherwise. From there I was off to see my cancer team.

When I was leaving the doctor one of the nurses called out my name.

“Kengi, I have a gift for you from the nurses here.” She said as she walked toward me smiling.

“A gift, what’s this for?” I asked really shocked

“Well when you were in last you helped us big time with this guy who was just giving all of us a hard time. You made him leave us alone and you made us laugh. You always have this way of making us just crack up about things. Even when we know you don’t wanat to be here, you always seem to look out for us and we want you to know how much we love you for that.” She hands me the envelope

Inside the envelope I had a ticket for AMC, lunch at the daily grill and $50. I was really blown away. I looked at her and smile. “Wow, it’s been a while since I have done something like this. I wont know how to act.” I laughed and they all laughed with me.

“Yes, you will. You don’t have anymore appointments today, so take the rest of the day and enjoy yourself Kengi. I also have this for you too. We know we screwed up you getting your bus pass so again, we know this aint much brutha man, but here is a day pass for you to go enjoy yourself.”

I was so blown away. I gave the nurses a hug and made some jokes about patients I know they give them such a hard time, but they aren’t allowed to make light of. Since I don’t work there, I was more then happy to bring some sunshine to their day by poking fun at them.

I walked out of the office into the cold, dark day and thought to myself. “wow I don’t have anything else to do. How cool is this?” I smiled and headed for the shuttle that would take me to the Metro Red Line Train.

Once on the train I decided to enjoy the rest of my day by having a late lunch at the Daily Grill in Downtown LA. I even had two drinks. I sat for a while just like it was old times and I had just finished meeting with a client. I sent out some emails and chatted for a bit with two friends in Atlanta. After eating lunch and finishing my second glass of wine I headed for the train and went to Universal City Walk where I say “Role Models” Man I am so glad I did that.

The movie was funny as hell and it was cool that the theater wasn’t that full, so I was able to have an entire row to myself. It was cool to laugh out loud and just simply relax and enjoy myself and not worry about the world outside.

After the movie I took in some sights of City Walk before I headed back to the tram that would carry me back down the huge hill. While waiting for the tram two people walked up and to.

“Kengi, what are you doing here?” they asked, sounding kind of concerned

“Excuse me, what do you mean.” I asked smiling

“It’s cold and you should be home resting” of them said Her date even tried to give me his coat.

Backing up and still smiling a bit “Do I know you guys. I mean really who are you?”

They both start laughing and then tell me that they have been reading my blog and watching my youtube channel for a while now

“Dude you’re such an inspiration to both of us. We were just talking about you, so when we saw you standing here, we just had to come over and say hello. It’s like we know you.”

I started laughing and we all hugged and talked for a bit. They said they just saw the updated website for the Do Something Saturday and said they were going to make sure they were in tow to help me with my birthday celebration.

As the train pulled up I gave them hugs and they told me to go home and rest. Right as I stepped onto the tram the guy ran back up and gave me his coffee bean and tea leaf card
“Dude I just got this and I want you to have it man. I don’t want to sound gay, but I love you.”

“Easy big dog.” I laugh as people on the tram started looking at me. “Thanks you guys have a great time here and enjoy your eveing.” I sat back and just smiled so big

Once back in West LA I took a moment to myself and then Jason came home. He and I went to watch the Laker Basketball Game and have a couple of beers.

Right now I am sitting in my friends room that she has given to me for a few days and I am listening to the rain fall outside, thinking of my reconnection with my childhood friend Vickie and also thinking about all the awesome people I have in my life and I cant help but think how truly blessed I am. While I am dealing with a bunch of things that most people wouldn’t have a clue to deal with, God still see fir to shine his awesome light on me and he still calls my name. Still shows me that even in the midst of all that is seemingly going south in my life, he is still in control and I still have his favor.

Once again, please help me celebrate my 40th birthday. Please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org to see how you can help me celebrate.

Blessings

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was pretty cool. I got up early looked at a bit of TV, took a shower, shaved, got dressed and headed to go be of service to those who have less. Yep even I make time to volunteer outside of my own organization.

Since my only plans were to hang out with my friends Tina and Andy, I wanted to also make sure I did my part to make sure I give back and support people who need support more then ever at this time of year.

Thanksgiving is now a very hard time for me. I lost my father 2006 Thanksgiving morning. February 3, 2008 I became homeless. I lost my Ma about three months ago, so this is my first holiday without both my parents.

It was very important for me to keep my mind busy so I didn’t spend much time thinking about all that I have lost in the past two years. I am glad I got up and made time for others today, because for me it meant seeing that there a lots of people who are suffering and in need of some kindness in their life.

Union Station is a homeless service agency that serves homeless people in the Pasadena area. Each night there is about 1300 or better homeless people in that city. In LA County where Pasadena is located the number of homeless people is a shameful. It is estimated to be between 88 to 94 thousand homeless people LA County alone. Some now call it the homeless capital of the world.

However today was a day that many people came out to give back to those who are in need. They did so in large numbers. There were so many volunteers that some of the people I can with weren’t able to volunteer because there was noting for them to do. In a way this is good, but in other ways it’s sad that people only make time once a year to be of service to others, even though each day they see the need right in front of them.

I was only able to serve for about 20 minutes before I was asked to step aside and let the next group join in. The time went by pretty fast. For me a the people I met on the line with me, we weren’t ready to stop helping yet. So we found other ways and other areas where we could help out. We carried plates, helped bus and even sat and talked with homeless people. It was cool for me because I know how very cold and lonely the street can be and sometimes you just want someone nice to talk with. I am glad I was able to be that for a few people.

I arrived back in West LA in the late afternoon. I helped Tina and Andy a little with dinner, but for the most part I simply relaxed and took it easy. I made some phone calls to people I know and wished them a Happy Thanksgiving and I also returned all the text messages I received.

Right now I am uploading the video I shot out at the part and waiting to have dinner with Tina and Andy. In all it was a great day. I got calls from good friends and people who care very much about me. As I sit and type this blog I must admit that I am beginning to cry just a bit because I cant help but think of my Ma and Pops and just how much I really miss them.

I hope all of you have had a great Thanksgiving Day.

Blessings

Today was a pretty easy day for me and for me that is saying a whole lot. I didn’t have much to do other then one set of doctors and then have my blood taken. For the most part I was pretty much chillin all day long.

I did take some time to look up some things on HIV and make sure I am doing all I can to remain healthy. I also spent some time speaking with a friend who is currently going through some very hard times with his wife. She recently told him that she cheated on him and she is now pregnant.

I later went a hunt to find a beanie. Not just any beanie, but one that will keep my head warm. Since I am doing the radiation there is a possibility I might have to cut my hair and it has been getting a bit cooler here in LA. Yes it does get cold here. In fact we got some rain the other day and we might get more. Plus I only have two pairs of shorts, so I really need to try to keep myself as warm as possible. I wan the kind of beanie that has like the part that covers my ears and can tie under my chin. They come in all these really cool and funky colors, but I didn’t find one that I liked nor one I can afford. So I will start my hung again tomorrow in addition to trying to find a cheap and warm pair of pants.

I ended my day on the campus of UCLA by default. I wanted to take in the Getty Center since it is free, but I got started too late. By the time I got close and then waited for the next bus it was almost 5:00PM and they close at 5:30pm, so another time. Since I was close to UCLA and I have never really spent any time in the sculpture garden there I thought since it is a holiday weekend, it would be an awesome time to do so.

I am very glad I did, because the campus was pretty much a ghost town. So not only was I able to take in all the awesome sights in of the garden I was also able t walk through campus and enjoy it as well. I have to admit UCLA does have a beautiful campus and I was able to take what I would say are some pretty cool pictures. It was cool that it was so quiet because I was able to shoot a video for my youtube channel and do some prayer and mediation. That was awesome.

I arrived back in Wes LA right outside of Westwood and had plans to do a night picture safari with a friend, but that didn’t pan out, so I sat with Tina and Andy and together we got my little space set up in the corner of their dining room. I am happy to havee this space because with the rain about to start it sure beats being on the streets. I returned a whole slue of emails and checked approved pictures, comments, videos and members on my network on ning. I then chatted with a friend on yahoo and checked my youtube channel where I had an email from this very cool guy.

He reached out to me after seeing my video on youtube about me talking about when do you tell someone you are HIV positive. He is going through something very close to that right now in his own life. He expressed a need to have someone he could talk things out with. So I contacted him with the information he provided and we chatted on yahoo for about an 45 minutes to an hour. He is a great guy dealing with a great deal and I know all too well how HIV can make you mind go crazy. I also know how the medical profession can also play key roles in making you just as crazy. It was so cool to be able to provide with what works for me and also offer him some advice and information on things available to him right there in his area.

To be honest I really surprised myself. I have only been HIV positive since April of 2008 and as far as having things like the gay community and a great, forget that even an ok HIV doctor hasn’t been something I’ve had the luxury of. For me the gay community has been the worst for me, I’ve had more support and more people from the heterosexual community reach out to me more and provide more assistance. I heard nightmares about how the internet was the last place I should turn to get information on HIV, but for me that wasn’t the case at all. The internet has provided me with a wealth of information and even an outstanding support system from places like “daily strength” and even people who read my blog and watch my youtube channel.

The time I spent chatting with him was awesome and at the end of our chat I offered my email address, cell phone and all else for him to contact me should he need someone to talk with, yell out, cry to and even laugh with. Sometimes we all need someone we can call on in our hour of need and I am glad and honored to be that for him.

Morrover he reminded me that I need to remain proactive in my own HIV care. I reminded me that I too need to remain vigilant and steadfast in my demand for proper medical care when it comes to HIV just like I have with homelessness and treatment for my cancer and sickle cell. I plan to shoot a video tomorrow morning on the beach on the very subject of HIV and I will talk a bit about my chat tonight with my friend Nathan, with his permission.

If you are reading this blog, I ask each of you to pray for Nathan and his boy friend as they about to go through what could be a very hard time for both of them. Ask God to make them both strong and learn how to lean on each other as they have never done before and provide strength and encouragement for each other. Pray that God cast a hedge of protection around both of them an that he provide them both with his favor.

In close I also ask that you remember me in our thoughts and prayers as well. So many of you already do and for this I will be eternally blessed and grateful. I hope you all are well and if not, please let me know so I can add your name to my prayer list. Be sure to check out my new video.

Blessings

Blogs from 2008 (October 1-29)

// April 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Inside my day

• Posted by Kengi on October 1, 2008 at 9:30pm

I woke up this morning and headed to Downtown LA to seek out housing options. If your read this blog regularly then you know how much love I have for Downtown LA. I know there are those who read this blog and think it’s “this shit” and that’s fine for them. They aren’t in nor have they ever been in my situation.

I then headed over to SOVA to try to get some much needed food. However they were closed and so the food is out of the question. At least tomorrow I will get my food stamps so I will be able to get a few items to keep food in my system.

Since I don’t have an appointment with my new HIV doctor until the end of this month and my labs are now two weeks past due, I really needed to try to get in to see my doctor over at USC. However that is like trying to get Pentagon clearance. Whenever I call the nurse isn’t there or is busy with patients. I have left her several emails all of which have gone unreturned.

Over the weekend my right hand turned a funny color, almost like a yellowish color and my nails on my toes have been black for a while now. Over the weekend they all feel off. My bowels are only control be swallow a huge amount of Imodium chewables and I wont even tell you just how many Tylenol I am taking to try to control the headache I’ve had for sometime now.

I am vomiting almost all the time now and my energy level is way down. Far down from what I am use to it being. I feel drained all the time and it takes a great deal of time for me to get going. It also hurts to take a leak and there are times when I have seen blood in my stool and in my nose when I blow it. I have nose bleeds every single night, last night I had four really bad nose bleeds.

Once back at the apartment I spent many hours looking for work online and sending out resumes. I also placed some ads online looking for a place to live in that would allow me to cook and clean in exchange for room and board. After several hours of this my body was so tired and it became much to hot to do anything and my head was simply killing me. I put my head on my pillow and I went to sleep.

It’s 9:03PM right now and I am wide awake and my chest is killing me. My mind is racing and my fear of being back on the street is all I am thinking about. I am thinking about how I have once again failed, even though in my heart I know I haven’t failed at all. But it’s hard for me to believe that I haven’t failed when I faced with the reality of being back on the street.

I know there are people who have read and are reading this blog and only say “why are you crying?” and “you just carry on” Well you haven’t been through any of what I have been through in the last 19 months. You haven’t had to fist fight on the street for things you own, you haven’t had a gun in your face, you haven’t been refused a place to sleep for the night because someone wants to feel like they are in charge, you haven’t had someone spit in your face while you wash your face and brush your teeth in the restroom, you haven’t been told you cant come into the a certain place because you are homeless, you haven’t had to endure trying to sleep on the beach after chemo, you haven’t lost all that I have in just a 19 months. Please don’t act like I am some weak dork who can’t take the things that life throws my way. Don’t you dare act like I am some stupid uneducated loser who has made bad choices for my life because you are wrong and you are the last person to be standing and looking down on me and acting like you know me.

I am constantly praying and asking God for strength and guidance. I am begging for a him to make a way for me.

I am ready to go

• Posted by Kengi on October 1, 2008 at 10:16pm

When the time is right I’m gonna pack my bags

And take that journey down the road

Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shine

And I want to live inside the glow

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and and everything

That exist between everywhere and nowhere

I wanna go to a place where time has no consequence oh yeah

A place where the sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful

Please understand that it’s not that I dont care

But right now these walls are closing in on me

I love you me and I love life itself

But I need to find a place where I can breathe

I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible

and let go of all the hurt and pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy

Somewhere between dark and light

Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful

If you ever face homelessness

• Posted by Kengi on October 8, 2008 at 1:17pm

Between the lines. It’s funny that I name this group that, because in now 20 months of homelessness I’ve had to become a master of just that “reading” between the lines. With all my heart I pray to God that none of you will ever have to go through all that I have. That you will never know what it is like to eat from a trash can or lay on the beach sick from chemo. But if you do find yourself in the midnight hour like I have been for such a long time, let me be the first one to give you some sound advice.

1) Keep a strong faith in God

2) Make sure you read everything you sign and get a copy of it. (this is where reading between the line will become very vital. If you’ve purchased a new car a home or anything that requires a contract, then you know about reading the small print. With homelessness there is small print and then that which is between the lines. It’s what they don’t print that will come to be a huge pain in the ass. Rules and regulations they make up along the way. Almost like an “at will” contract.

3) Don’t think for one second that places that blaze “Christ” or have “scriptures” on their walls and letterhead they have your best interest at heart. I am here to tell you they don’t. Even the organizations who claim they help those from the gay and lesbian communities turn a cold harsh shoulder to homeless people.

4) Don’t let anyone convince you that you don’t have rights, choices as well as options. You have all these and it is their jobs to help you work through them all.

5) Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like the way you have lived your life has been wrong. Only YOU can decide that.

6) Even when it’s raining outside keep that smile on your face, joy in your heart and pep in your step.

7) ALWAYS believe in yourself

Cry when you need to and smile when you come through

9) Don’t ever give up on you

10) In the end God is always in total control and he will always have the final say.

Finding my peace

• Posted by Kengi on October 13, 2008 at 5:02pm

I know this may be hard to belive, but I am truly finding my peace. For someone like me going through all I am and facing all the medical concerns I now face, I am remembering that even in the midst of this huge storm in my life, God is still in full control, I still have his favor and I am STILL the great man I’ve been created to be.

Last week I did chemo and radiation and I was all stressed out about it. I was worried about how I would deal with it and if I would still have a place to lay my head down and if I did, would it be for much longer. As I worried and stressed, God was busy making a way out of no way, just like he has done so many times before.

Not only did I have place to lay my head, but I had two amazing people holding space for me and helping me through it, looking after me and allowing me time to rest and heal. Coaching me out of my self imposed cave and helping me see that I am still the great man I was before this darkness came over my life. They coached me to do what I have learned to do very well, and is to think of others instead of me. I’ve said before that my healing seems to come from helping people whenever, however and wherever I can.

My two friends went on a journey and they needed someone to hold space for them. I was honored that they asked me, of all people they could have. If you read this blog, then you know I am dealing with a lot and yet these two very special people asked me to hold space for them. I was honored to be strong enough to do that for them and right when I need it, these same two people who I held space for returned the favor right after my trip to the doctor for cancer treatments.

While I was able to get up and move around a bit yesterday, I was still feeling like I would vomit and I was also very dizzy. My Sickle Cell didn’t give me a break either. In fact, the normal day to day pain I always have was almost like 10 times worse and all over my body at once. My friends held space for me again and I was once again to relax in the “peace” God has for me.

Yesterday was very powerful for me and I am sure my two friends will tell you the very same thing. It was special because God always shows he is still the one and only true King in charge of EVERYTHING right in the moment we need it most. All three of us had prayer, TOGETHER and that was powerful.

Sometimes in life we get so weighed down with our own shit, that we forget there are people right next to us that need some love and support. I think it is safe to say that they may need this more then you do yourself. Even with all the shit before me, I must step back and try my very best to not make this or anything else about me. I must continue to answer each and every time God call me into service, no matter how tired I am, how sick I feel. We I am called I must answer and I must believe that God will always provide even when my resources are empty.

This morning I woke and most of the pain in my body was gone. The feeling of dizziness and the feeling like I need to vomit are almost gone as well. I still have a very slight headache, but the pain of Sickle Cell is back to what I call normal. I am still a bit “jerky” but for the most part, God has restored me. Again we had prayer and we spent most of our morning together. Just being in the presence of people who are praying people and believers has really given me a whole new outlook on things. It’s almost like for two days now and since the ending of last week each of us has stood up against the storms in each others life. We’ve stood guard as each other takes restaa, we’ve burnt candles, made food, smiled and took care of each other, in the love that God will have us to do. We did this wanting NOTHING inreturn.

If you are reading this entry right now, and I hope you’ve gotten this far, then I ask you to please pray to God for my friends Kimarie and Daniel and include me. Ask God to bless the housing opportunity in front of us and ask him to bless it and make it so.

At the end of the day all that really matters is the love that you’ve shown to others. At the end of the day, all that really matters is if you say the love of God is in you, did you take that same love and gave it to others. Did you answer the call?

It’s not all about us. If it were, we’d be the only one on the planet. We really need to get that.

I wanna say a special thanks to my awesome friends Kimarie and Daniel for being the wheel in the middle of the wheel. I want you both to know that I rest so well when I know you two are close by. You’ve been my angels, my protectors and my friends right as another so called friend turns their back. Thanks for letting your light to shine very bright even when I know both of you are dealing with, going through and living through your own shit. With all my heart, mind, body and soul I love you both.

So if you asked how someone like me is finding peace in the middle of the “perfect storm” then you should get to know the God I love and serve.

Pressing forward

• Posted by Kengi on October 20, 2008 at 4:02pm

What a ride!!!!! Last week I did radiation on Thursday and the rest of the time I have been recovering from it. It’s only been because of the grace of God that I’ve found the energy and strength to keep pressing forward despite my situation.

Today is Monday the 20th of October 2008. My housing is pretty much over. My friends are moving to Topanga and I won’t be able to join them because of circumstances out of their control. I will be forced to seek out shelter in one of the missions in Downtown Los Angeles. I don’t know how I will be able to keep my cancer treatment appointments and not have a stable place to live. It has been pretty rough here at my friends place for the last week. Me being in my room most of the time in bed and then running to the bathroom to vomit and piss out my ass. Twice I didn’t make it and went in my bed while I was sleeping.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with my new HIV doctor and I know I wont be able to keep that appointment. I more then likely spend my day looking for a place to at least sleep at night. Today I’ve been helping my friends pack and I know by tomorrow I will be in so much pain that I am not feeling right now.

My cell service is more then likely going to be turned off soon. The lady who was paying for it feels I have not been paying her attention and she feels left out. She will no longer be paying the bill for me. It was cool of her to even pay it in the first place. She offered and I said yes.

Last week my doctors told me there was no way for me to miss anymore of my treatments for any reason. To do so means the cancer will get to a place where it is life threatening and may not be treatable at all.

With all of this before me I am still going to press forward. I am still going to my very best and still do all I can to make it through this. If that means sleeping on the street, in parks, at the beach, in carports on busses and trains then this is just what I will have to do. But I refuse to give up and I refuse to allow my medical situation or my homelessness to cause me to give up

Transition

• Posted by Kengi on October 24, 2008 at 11:35am

It’s my fifth night here in Topanga Canyon and I am must say that I am still very worried about housing and my body is very tired and worn down. My spirit is equally as so. I don’t know the last time I’ve felt like this. In fact I don’t think there has ever been a time that I’ve really felt like this before.

I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get in touch with my case manager from APLA. It’s been about two weeks since I last spoke with her. I don’t know if she is out of town, busy with her case load or just no longer able to help me. In any case I will continue to try to reach her and try to come to some sort of conclusion.

I spoke with my doctors yesterday and the news I got wasn’t great. My cancer is spreading and I will have to have surgery very soon. The only thing is that after surgery I will need a stable place because I will be on a dialysis machine. I cant very well be walking the streets and sleeping in parks or on busses and trains with this bulky machine.

I am doing my best not to get allow myself to become so worked up about this that I only make myself more sick, but I will say that it is a major task for me not to worry about things when I have so many things that I need to be taking care. However I am only one person and I can’t do all things at one time not can I be in many places at once.

My thinking is this. I will have to spend some nights on the streets. I am not sure how long it will be, but I do know that going down to skid row isn’t an option for me .I simply do not have the energy or strength to fight if I need to. So the other option is spending my nights on the bus and the trains.

I’ve leaned not to ask for things or depend on people for things. I know this sounds silly, but I do this so I don’t get my hopes up and so I won’t feel like people were just talking to try to make me feel better. I also do this because I know many times people say things they really don’t mean and by my asking only makes them have to find a waya to say they can’t help.

The pictures with this posting are pics I took while staying in Topanga Canyon with Kimarie and Daniel. Please continue to keep me in you thoughts and prayers.

Skid Row Bound

• Posted by Kengi on October 26, 2008 at 11:21pm

Sometimes I have to fast and pray

Sometimes I have to steal a way

Sometimes I have to cry out

LORD HELP ME!!!!!

Tonight is one of those nights. As I prepare myself for what I can only call battle I am praying and getting my mind ready for what I will be facing this next week. I will be once again without housing this starting tomorrow and there is no housing option any place in site.

I spent the better part of the day trying to just rest and explore my options. Options that I am fully aware of and options that I know will not be there when I try to access them.

In 20 months of homelessness and bloging my story as well as the stories of the many people I have met, in addition to my extensive youtube channel where I try to tell my story and the stories of so many others, I have learned that people like me are considered by places and organizations in place that claim to provide services and relief for people in the same boat as me are only there to collect thousands and not provide much service at all. For people like me there is almost no help at all. I am considered to be a trouble maker for such places.

After the sunset and darkness fell on the canyon I began to go through my things. Almost like taken inventory of what I have so I can decide what I can and can not take with me. I have a small backpack and with my laptop already taking up much of the room and not wanting to put anything to heavy on it so I don’t break it, I must then be mindful of what I can carry with me.

In the morning I will put on the two pairs of shorts I own along with a T-shit and two button down shirts. Over this will be my black slip over fleece. I will also put on a beanie someone gave to me a while ago that has the Lion of Judah on it.

In my backpack will be two t-shirts and three pairs of socks, along with bar of soap, toothbrush and toothpaste. Some allergy medication, Tylenol for my pain, the rest of my Bactrim for my infection, deodorant and about 6 bucks, $4 in bills and the rest in change.

In a secret compartment I store my medical papers and proof of diagnoses that I must show every place and give a copy to where ever I apply for service. I will also have my laptop and three chargers. One for the laptop, one for my cell phone and one for the batteries for my camera.

I will do my best to link up with my friend Sarah to get some deodorant that will work better then what I currently have, get a small zip lock baggy for my wash cloth so it doesn’t cause the rest of the things in my backpack to become wet or damp.

I will being leaving behind my art work that I created at Being Alive along with my ceramics, extra clothes, socks, shoes beanies and misc. papers. Although my friend assure me that I will be able to return here very soon, I can no longer depend on that. I need housing that is going to be there permanently. I have to have surgery soon and I will not get a rest from cancer treatments for a while and I can no longer depend on housing that may expire before or in right in the middle of my huge medical situation.

I know they love me and I know they mean well, but love and well meanings are no longer enough for me to fight this battle. I need housing and I need it now. My cancer is spreading and my kidneys are failing.

It’s 10:42PM right now in Sunday night, October 26, 2008. I will shoot a video that I will upload while I sleep and I will do my best to keep up with my network as well as my youtube channel and my other blogs.

Please keep not just me, but others who are dealing with and going through homelessness, lack of medical coverage and illness in this country and please do your best to raise your voice and speak out against all that is wrong in this country. Until we all see that we are only as strong as our weakest link, then things in this country will continue on the downward spiral that it has been in for some time now.

Right now I am preparing myself to do the work that God has called me to do and I will sit at his feet and work and work and work until he calls me home to glory. I encourage each of you to do something to bring about change in system that is not working for the people it is supposed to serve and is only serving to make many people rich while the people they claim to serve grow in number and suffer more and more with each passing moment.

I am going into a situation that isn’t safe and in over 20 months I have had to raise my fist to hit another human to prevent them from doing harm to me. Several times I have been in fights where I and the person I am fighting have been bleeding. I have HIV now, so this is heavily on my mind. I will have to live with the fact that if I am attacked and it comes down to a fight and I will fight back I may infect someone with HIV. This is cause has my mind going crazy something no one should ever even have to consider or think about, but I will not allow anyone to attack me or take things from me that are mine.

I am sure I won’t get much sleep tonight, but I will get all the rest I can.

Blessings

The pictures with this posting are things I take with me and things I will leave behind.

Monday (October 27th, 2008)

• Posted by Kengi on October 27, 2008 at 1:43pm

It’s Monday at 1:00PM and this day has started out bad. I didn’t leave Topanga Canyon in time to get to Downtown LA for the housing intake. I wanted to leave by 9:00AM to be on the 9:10 train, but we left after 9:30AM and I was dropped off in Tarzana. My friend had other things that she was/is dealing with and mine needed to take a back seat.

I finally got to Westwood at 11:30AM an hour and half past the time I was supposed to be in Downtown LA. I arrived in to my location at 12:25PM. They only had 15 openings and only 13 people showed up at the beginning of the intake process, but by 11AM all spots were filled. They will not be doing any intakes for about two months.

The only good thing was that there was this intern there who reads my blog (http://projectkengikat.ning.com) and watches my youtube channel (www.youtube.com/kengikat) and he offered me a ride out of Downtown LA. Since he was headed back to UCLA I got a ride here to the Beverly Hills Public Library. I will sit here and try to map out things for tonight.

My allergies are really bothering me and the generic brand allergy reliever I have taken is no longer working, my body has already adapted to the weakness of it. I don’t care what CVS, Walgreens or Rite Aide says there is no substitution for the real deal. I need Claritin and that’s all there is t it.

I will make my way towards Mid Wilshire in an hour or so I can brush my teeth in the restroom in the park at the La Brea Tar Pits. Most times it is empty, so I don’t think I will be bothered by or bother anyone by brushing my teeth. While in the area I will find the 99 cent store and get some bottle water.

More then likely I will be on the trains until they stop running and then on the busses for the rest of the night. I hope it won’t get too cool because all I have is the two pairs of shorts I have on right now. I will stay inland, away from the water in hopes that I will remain warmer this way. Although after night falls the beach is much more quiet and I have a better chance at getting rest and not being bothered by anyone. As for right now since I am already getting tired and restless I will sit here at the library until I have t move to get water and brush my teeth.

Jus from the weight in the backpack I already see that I will have to ditch some things because it is too heavy and it is rubbing in the areas where I have new staph infections forming. I don’t want to run the risk of having the rubbing cause them to open and then get worse then they already are.

I will touch base with my friend Sarah and see if see can get me some supplies for the staph infection as well as some deodorant that will help me not to smell after wearing the same clothes for a while.

I am doing my best to keep my wits about me and not let this get me anymore down then I already am. I sent messages to my case manager at APLA, as well as the Aids educator there and to someone I know over at Being Alive. I haven’t heard back from athem as of yet. I also sent emails and left messages at Hollywood Community Housing where I am supposed to be in the waiting list, but I still haven’t heard back from them either.

If I cant raise the money to pay for the meds for my treatment this week I will have to reschedule it for next week. On the second of the month I get my GR benefits and I can use that to pay, but since I’ve had GR each month the cash is never there because they keep telling me I have missed a “grow” appointment for which I am not supposed to even be considered for since I have HIV. But each month without fail they aren’t there and all I get is “I am sorry Mr. Carr we will do our best to fix it for next month” This has happened since April.

There are no places here on the Westside to get a free meal and I have missed the slop that is served in Downtown LA, which is just as well because it will only make me sick and cause me to vomit.

I am making plans right now to organize a Do Something Saturday outreach to homeless people in Santa Monica and Venice for next month. This is going to be a major task for me since I have all the shit that I am dealing with and I don’t have a place to live. But I have done it in the past and I know I will be able to plan a great one and provide some help to those who need it again. When I set the date I will post it so people can get involved.

Sunset

• Posted by Kengi on October 27, 2008 at 8:48pm

Today was my first day back on the streets in about 21 days. I’ve been homeless now over 20 months and I live in Los Angeles.

While I could sit and moan and grown about all the bad that took place today, I thought I would end my day on a good note and do what I was raised to do and that is to count my blessings and name them one by one.

I was able to get another appointment with my doctor over at USC Medical Center. I will take care of the blood work for my labs this week so I am current with my HIV care. My T-cells are high and my viral load is low and because of the grace of God I am not currently on any HIV Meds. I want to keep it that way.

I received a cool moving surprise in my pay pal account today that will allow me to pay for me meds and supplies for Chemo this week thanks to the blessing from a sweet soul who has saw and read parts of my story.

I am blessed to be able to walk and talk and breathe on my own.

I still have the activities of all my limbs and praise God that my mind is still sound and unaffected by all that is before me.

Even though I will be sleeping outdoors tonight I am at peace and comforted by the fact that so many people are praying for me and asking God to place a hedge (fence) of protection around me and I will lay down and rest knowing that he will do just that.

I will spend some time trying to document and tell the stories of other homeless people right here in Los Angeles. I will make a video of my journey tonight before I find a place to sleep.

I am thankful for my life and for the fullness thereof.

The pictures with this posting are from Santa Monica Beach and Pier.

Blessings

A woman named “Patty”

• Posted by Kengi on October 29, 2008 at 1:26pm

After being arrested Monday night for sleeping on the beach I spent the better part of my morning riding the train to try to get some rest. Once I was done with that I made my way to the Library in Downtown LA. While I really love the Central Library, it is such an awesome place and HUGE, the internet connection there really sucks and the staff there is very rude and ignorant when it comes to the wireless connection. This is more try for the staff in the so-called “internet” area down of the bottom level. They don’t even know who to call when there is a problem with the wireless and will act like you are bothering them when you simply ask them a question. Can you say LAME?

I made my way over to the Hollywood Library. The staff there is just as rude, but at least their connection works. While I was there I was able to email my cancer team, return emails to my new kidney team and also reach out to places that might be able to help me with housing.

It was about 1:30PM when I saw her. An older black woman, who is 78 years old and her name is Patricia. She likes to be called Patty. After she sat across from me for a while I finally offered her my apple and some gum and we began to talk. This is how I learned her name and age. I also learned that she has been homeless here in Los Angeles for over 11 years.

Patty has some mental illness and lost her housing when she missed a scheduled appointment to see her case manager. However the reason she missed the meeting was because she was in the hospital because she had suffered a small heart attack. Once she was able to go home (to a place now occupied by someone else and all her things thrown away) she was in shock. She said she went right to her case manager and told her what had happened but the damage had already been done. Patty had no place to go and now a whole new boat load of meds she was required to take. She snapped and has been walking the streets ever since.

She is a well kept woman who has out lived her three children and two grandchildren. She carries two bags that have everything she owns. A few changes of clothes and personal items like her cell phone to stay in touch with her doctors and to make calls for assistance when she needs to.

“How have you lived on the streets so long with no help if you don’t mid me asking?” I asked of her.

“It must be God. That’s all I know it could be.” She replied

“Do you know I’ve been beaten up 6 times and this man sexually attacked me about a year ago. My life is just one big complete mess. I do good getting up and looking the way I do. Do I look ok today baby?” she smiles as she looks at me for approval of her appearance.

Tears begin to well up in my eyes and I could feel my heart just breaking. I smiled back ad told her she look “awesome”
She started telling me her story and three times I had to get up and pretend to use the bathroom because I needed to burst into tears and I didn’t want to cry right there in front of her.

She told me she still has her very first bank account. She opened it with Security Pacific Bank, now Bank of America. Her social security checks are directly deposited there. However she doesn’t get enough to cover the cost of housing, medical care and all the meds she is on.

“So this old bird just lays her head down whenever and where ever I please.”

By the time I left the library Patty had moved over to another table and was eating her lunch looking out the window. I noticed staff from the library come over to her three times and ask her not to eat in the library.

“I aint bothering you, or anyone else. I have my place mat down and your lousy ass books are safe and sound on the shelf. You just leave me be. I am eating here and there aint shit you gonna do about it.” She told the last lady who came over to her.

Three other people loudly told the clerk to leave her alone and she went away.

This was yet another time I have come across a woman who could very well be my grandma who is homeless. So full of life and so full of amazing stories of how things us to be in this nation we call home. She spoke of how she remembered the Ambassador Hotel on Wilshire and how she use to shop at Bullock’s Wilshire.

“That was the crown jewel of retail stores baby. Let m tell ya. No place was like Bullock’s Wilshire. Got this mink stole there.” She pulled it out of one of her bags and proudly showed the Bullock’s Wilshire tag.

I smile at her and waved goodbye as I got ready to walk out the library. She waved to me and motioned me over. I walked over and sat next to her. She took me by the hand and prayed a fast prayer for not her safety but mine.

“Lord cast a wall of protection around this child. Protect him as he goes to and fro. Keep him from harms way and place his feet on solid ground. Heal his body and keep his mind as sharp as a sword ready for battle. Bless him Lord and keep him.”

I never told her I was homeless and I never told her about me being sick. When I opened my eyes I looked at her and said “God Bless you”

She replied “He already has baby. He already has. You know what?”

“Not til you tell Patty” I said as we both laughed

“God is good”

“All the time” I replied

“Yes Lord, you better know it and all the time.” She smile so big

“God is good” I said.

“Glory to God” she shouted just like my Nana use to do in Church. “Glory, Glory, Glory. Just lean on him boy and watch him do thangs for ya.”

I kissed her forehead and walked away tears pouring from my eyes and so blessed and thankful that God has just shown me that when faith is present even in what seems to be a horrible situation for someone, God can step in and make it JOY.

I don’t know if I will see Patty again, but I was so moved, blessed and touched by her. I prayed so hard for her as I walked out and later that night when I went to sleep.

Right as I walked out and I wasn’t 10 steps out the door my cell phone rang.

“Hello”

“Hey Kengi, how are you?” the caller said

It was a friend of mine who called to check on me as she and her boyfriend do all the time and she offered me a place to stay for two weeks while they will be out of the country. She offered me to start staying last night, so it’s really three weeks.

I made me way over to their place and last night I was able to eat a healthy meal, take a HOT shower, something I haven’t been able to do in two weeks. There was no hot water at my other friends place. And now I will be safe for three weeks.

I could here Patty saying “Just lean on him boy and watch him do thangs for ya.”

I remember as a child my Great, Great Grandmother saying “He’s an on time God”

In the book of Job the bible tells us that Job said “He may not come when YOU want him, but he will be there right on time…..”

The God I love and serve is an on time God.

Please pray for Patty. Ask God to show up and “do thangs” for her in a mighty way.

History and Life

• Posted by Kengi on October 29, 2008 at 7:17pm

Before I became homeless I was a private chef. I have worked in almost every state in this nation and have even worked outside of the country as well. I started cooking a very young age. My Great Grandma seemed to work for everyone in Hollywood. My Grandma worked for Jimmy Walker, Roger Miller, Betty Davis and so many others.

I always wanted to go to the huge Oscar parties they use to carter, but when I was old enough to attend I was put to work and I hardly got to see anyone. They taught me very young that there was no difference between famous people and me.

“If you cut they asses they’ll bleed red blood just like you. So don’t for one second think they are anything special ok baby.” Nana told me.

It seems that everyone thinks that because a person is homeless this means they are drunks, drug users, criminals, crazy or running from the law. There is absolutely no way for a person to be homeless for caring for a sick loved one. There is no way someone simply lost there job then lost housing.

“How can you be homeless and have a laptop or digital camera?”

“Are homeless people allowed to use the internet?”

“Why don’t you look homeless?”

“Where did you learn to speak so well if you are homeless?”

“How can you take pictures like this if you are really homeless?”

What many just don’t seem to get is that homeless people what most call a “normal life” We drove fancy cars, had great job and some even owned businesses. Had friends, ate in fancy restaurants and even went to our fair share of upscale and low down basements parties too.

Sometimes when I here comments and questions from people I have to just take a step back and take a good long look a the source. Do you remember your parents ever telling you “consider the source?” In the 20 months that I have been homeless I have had to do just that. This way I don’t get too upset or bothered by sheer ignorance or arrogance and sometimes both.

“I knew it was possible to be dumb and possible for a person to be stupid. But my good God from heaven, dumb and stupid?” is what I remember my Nana saying sometimes.

When I first became homeless for about a day or two I was only concerned with me. But then I met a family and all that changed. This could not be about me, because peple would think they only needed to rescue me. Instead of all the other people who are hurting and suffering in this country because we as a nation would rather allow people to live in the current homeless situation.
Tonight as I get ready for my Chemo in the morning I am thinking of many things. How will I get there and get back and not create a burden on someone by asking them to take me and pick me up or ask to borrow a car for someone. The past few times I’ve been able to use the car of a friend, but after speaking with them tonight I think its best that I not ask for anything. Sometimes “friends” have kind ways of making you feel uncomfortable without really saying or doing what they are thinking.

This is why I love native Californians and New Yorkers. Both sets are the coolest people you will ever come across and both will let you know up front where you stand without being all PC. Or putting some lousy ass spin on it.

I had such an amazing day today. I had the chance to hang out with my good friend Sarah and I was able to do some laughing and talking about day to day things that she and I are dealing with. We laughed about things, went to Boarders and took a look at some books. We even stopped and had breakfast. Just day to day normal stuff that “normal” people do every single day.

I later went to the doctor and also picked up my meds I need for tomorrow. I spoke with my friend in Seattle and I had such a blast laughing with him. He wanted to make sure I had all I needed to get through my chemo tomorrow. Sarah had offered to get me a room so I wouldn’t have to be outside after my treatment and he offered to pay for four more nights to make sure I was well rested.

Thanks to another friend I didn’t have to relay on Sarah or Austin for the room. I will be staying with them for rest of this week and the two weeks while they are away. God always shows up right when I need him most. He is always right there when I cry out and many times before I even open my mouth and for this I am truly blessed.

The sun has made its amazing journey across our sky and has dipped into the Pacific Ocean here on the West Coast. As darkness begins to fall on Los Angeles I am pleased that God has allowed me just one more day to give thanks for my life and one more day to give back all that he has given to me. Just one more day to truly stand in the gap for someone and just one more day to let the light in me shine ever so bright. Just one more day to be an example.

My prayer tonight is the same I always pray in addition to my nightly prayer. I don’t pray for a million bucks. Don’t get me wrong, that would be very nice right about now, but that isnt my request. I don’t pray for a home nor do I pray that pain of cancer, HIV and Sickle Cell leave my body. My prayer that I ask God for every night is that he would teach me his ways so that I may be a better vessel for his use. Purge me from all things that aren’t like him and please continue to use me in a way that encourages, uplifts and empowers people.

I may not be here to blog for a day or so, so just please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Look for the good in each other and do your best to find it within yourself. Try to put someone else in front of you and do it without conditions, guilt or shame. Make someone else feel like there are worth something. Smile at someone you don’t know and tell them to have a nice day. Call your parents and tell them that you love them. Call that person you’ve been meaning to call and tell them you’re sorry.

Just as the sun has set in the Pacific Ocean, so has the sun set on many lives here on earth and many people will wake and find loved ones gone and will e left here with so much unsaid and so much undone. Left with thoughts of things they wished they said and wished they did and discover that it is too late.

“Give me my flowers while I can smell them…….” Is what Nana use to say. “Don’t waste your many of flowers for me when I am gone. I cant see their beauty and smell the amazing scent from God they give off.”

Keep me in your prayers. And speak life to someone.

I bow

Blogs from 2008 (September 2nd-30th)

// April 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

In a fog

• Posted by Kengi on September 2, 2008 at 12:30pm

All I could do this weekend was to keep myself so busy that I couldn’t think about the fact that my permanent has once again been taken off the table. By keeping myself busy, I don’t have to deal with it.

You may think this is a bad thing, but the alternative is to talk about it only to get worked up about it only to have nothing done about it. So what is the point? I will still be upset about it and I still won’t have housing.

To add to my not getting housing I learned that the person I complained about in the house I am living is being thrown out of the house and this makes me very sad. I am not sorry for failing the complaint, but I didn’t file it to get him thrown out and I feel throwing him out isn’t the answer. This man is very sick and now the stress of knowing he will be thrown to the street is something that is on my mind.

I found out he was getting thrown out by another member in the house and I am very upset that he even knows I filed the complaint in the first place. Furthermore he shouldn’t even know that someone is being kicked out. Now everyone in the house is happy because I got this guy kicked out and this wasn’t what I wanted to see happen.

I did talk to the person and express that I was sorry to hear that they were getting kicked out and that I didn’t ask for that to happen. I gave him some numbers to other places that might be able to help him with housing.

This morning I wake up and head out because I didn’t want to be in the house and I didn’t want to be idle and think about not getting housing or the fact that my complaint has now cost someone their housing and is forcing them into homelessness. It isn’t a very good feeling at all to know that I’ve caused something for someone that I hate so for myself as well as for others. To know that I have caused this for him, is really crushing me.

I spent most of my weekend away from the house. Up early and back very late. So I don’t have to even look at the person that my complaint is about to cause so much hardship for. I really don’t know what to do. I thought this was a simple fix. I asked for my room to be changed and I was told it would be changed and now I’ve learned that my room wont be changed and the person I complained about is getting kicked out. How would that make you feel?

Since I don’t have money, I sent much of my time on the bus and train and at night I did pretty much the same thing and did my best to keep from crying and this get the best of me.

I have this headache that will not go away and I haven’t been able to sleep much. I toss and turn all night. I wish I could have spent the night at my friends place while she was away, but I am not allowed to stay out over night.

Today once again my benefits were cancelled and once again I have no money. Not because anything I have done wrong, but because someone at DPSS can’t seem to do their job and I am the one who has to suffer each month. Each month my benefits are cancelled because HIV is temporary condition and therefore I no longer need cash aid or food stamps to not even barely get by. So even if my housing wasn’t cancelled by SRO Housing I wouldn’t even be able to pay for it because I don’t have money for it and each month the money is late and all I ever get is “I’m sorry Mr. Carr”

I am tires of hearing “I am sorry” when I know damn fuckin well you aren’t sorry one fuckin bit.

Today I will once again begin the task of keeping myself so busy that I am not able to notice things falling apart around me, so busy that I am forced to lock away more feelings away and not deal with them, so busy that I am starting to become to busy to even care anymore.

OH HAPPY DAY

• Posted by Kengi on September 8, 2008 at 8:54am

Hey everyone!!!!! I hope you all are doing just super duper cause I sure am. Wow, that felt strange to even type it. LOL. But it’s true I feel super Duper. There are a few reasons why I feel so damn super duper

1. Do Something Saturday is coming up on the 20 of this month in LONG BEACH once again

2. The event page to my website launched about 24 hours ago
www.dosomethingsaturday.org

3. The biggest news of all is. I was offered housing from this awesome lady.

Is this big new or what? I cant tell you how stocked I am about all of this. The housing is awesome. There will be no one telling when to get up, when to leave the building, when to eat, when to sleep, when to shit, and no one will be telling me how “backwards” my thinking is. Sounds awesome huh\? Well it gets even better.

I was once told that “skid row was my only option” since I was blessed to land Tiana as a case manager she blew that noise maker right out the water, she was able to set up interviews for me all over the place. From the valley to Lawndale (where ever that is) She even set me up with a dental referral. Damn do I need that. She is awesome, Simply amazing. (I am bowing to her right now)

However, even though Tiana was able to do all these awesome things, all case managers are very limited when it comes to selection for their clients and when you figure there are all these agencies trying to find places for their clients, it can be just like renting one in places like San Francisco or New York. Yup, tons of people are jocking for the same spot in that awesome place that offers far less then what they print on paper. However this isnt the case managers job. Someone else should be checking to make sure all the services they say they have are actually there. ALL THE TIME.

Tiana, I want to applaud you for all your hard work and effort you put in. Thanks for going far past the extra mile, you really pushed and you really cared and that is something that is so lacking with people in your field. While you may not hear it to often, but you should know that you do a great job for the clients you have and I am so blessed to have a rider like you down for a brutha like me.

Tiana you told me to “keep it pushin” and to “keep my head up” You were there for me when I really needed someone and I will always remember that. You showed me that there are case managers that work on Friday (ALL DAY), you showed me that it doesn’t take 4 months to find places and then four more to only be told the spot was filled four months ago. You were honest with me about all my options. You placed everything on the table in fromt of me and together you and I decided what the best choices were for me. There was none of that “try this one and if it doesn’t work come see me next week” crap. I love, appreciate and respect all that you have done for me. You Rocked it.

See there, people say all I do is complain and I don’t know how to be nice. The one that took the cake was “you’re talking backwards” LOL

It was my Nana who told me “Don’t you ever let no man tell you no to something they think their in charge of. Do you hear me. Cuz baby they don’t got the last say. God has the last say, so until you get no from him, you keep on truckin. When man closes a door, Good will open a mall for you.”

So this is my happy blog. Don’t you just love it!!!!!

Days Like These

• Posted by Kengi on September 21, 2008 at 7:30pm

Let’s just say after the week I just came through, I so needed to end that week the way I did. With great friends, being of service to others, laughing like I haven’t done in such a long time, dancing and being in the fullness of God.

Mid week the wheels on my machine seem to be falling off and for a minute I allowed some of it to sink in causing me to break down and cry for two days. I was starting to feel boxed in, left out and alone again. But right as the walls began to close in on me God stepped in and said “NOT SO”

My good friends Kimare and Daniel were there for me to help me get through yet another very rough time. After speaking ad crying with them for a while I took a hot bath and just relaxed. Later I fell asleep with almost no effort. It’s been hard for me to fall asleep this past week because I have been worried about so many things including my HIV. My brain has been on overdrive. There is so much that I have to process and deal with day in and day out that sometimes it gets to be too much for me to take in.

On Friday morning I got up and asked Daniel if you he go with me to Aid for Aids and he was more then happy to go with me. Once I finished there I went over to the gay and lesbian center so I could start seeing about medical services through the center. I was able to get an appointment and get things in line.

Friday night I hung out with two friends I haven’t seen in such a long time and I so needed to do that. It was cool to be in a space with people who know me. Later that night I met up with Chris and we spent the night laughing and hanging out getting to know each other better.

Saturday was awesome. I got back home Saturday morning after an awesome night and took a quick nap, showered, said my morning prayer and did some meditation and then got ready for my Do Something Saturday event.

My friend Tina and her boyfriend Andy did such a great job at getting the Do Something Kits donated and then they spent the evening putting them together. They both made sure there were kits for both men and women. Since I was unable to get in with the Long Beach location where I wanted to support men living with HIV/AIDS, I called my buddy Sean in the Bay Area and asked if he could help me. I told him I wanted to give 50 kits to people living with HIV/AIDS and he knew just where to take them. I sent the $100 donated for kits to his paypal account and he made all the arrangements.

Tina, Andy, Moina and I all met at my place around 10:30AM. We headed to the Venice beach to be of service to homeless men and women along Venice Beach. It’s been a while since I’ve done an outreach along Venice Beach. The one thing Andy and I noticed was the fewer homeless people we saw. We both wondered if the police had done a sweep to keep homeless people out of sight of all the tourists that frequent the beaches in both Santa Monica and Venice.

I don’t believe for one second that Los Angeles has gotten better with housing or helping homeless people. I do happen to believe that they have gotten far better at giving them tickets and sending them to jail or simply picking them up and dumping them far away from the beaches.

Not long after we started we were out of supplies. In all we had reached 25 homeless people along the beach in Venice. We walked back along the board walk. Andy and I talked about the upcoming election and we both thought the Obama camp should stay on top of in order to win this election. Tina and Moina walked behind us enjoying their conversation.

We ended out day taking pictures under the V at Venice and then began to walk back to the cars. Moina and I said our goodbyes to Tina and Andy and I once again thanked them for all their hard work. Moina drove me back to my place and she headed to a Baptism for a couple she knows.

I sat on the balcony ate a Spinach salad and took in my day for about 30 minutes. I got a call from my friend Sean in the Bay Area telling me he had done his Do Something Saturday there in the Bay Area and he was glad I asked him to do it.

I went into my room laid down and took a long nap. It felt so good to go into my room and lay down without worrying about anything other then just sleeping.

The sun had already begun to dip into the sky when Kimarie came in to wake me for dinner. In my dream I could smell this awesomeness and I really didn’t want to leave the dream, but I am so glad I did because the awesomeness I was smelling wasn’t a dream, but coming from the awesome Italian meal Kimarie had just prepared. I was so blown away. I mean I know Kimarie is great at so many things, but I had no clue she could cook.

Kimarie Daniel and I all had dinner together. We laughed and talked and later Kimarie told us about how she use to own a bed and breakfast in Colorado. I was once again blown away by her and again I was seeing why I love her so much. Besides the fact hat both of us have gone through so much shit in our lives and we also share some things in our lives that are very similar.

Saturday night we headed down to Dockweiler Beach for “spirit fire” At irst I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want the awesome time all three of us were having to end, but I am so glad I went because the awesome time the three of us were having only got better.

We all danced, laughed and had a great time. I was entertained by Daniel doing a hoop dance to some pretty funky house music and then my girl Kimarie took to the stage to fire dance with her hoop.

I buped into my old friend Aaaron who just happens to be part of the group that organizes spirit fire. Aaron was also one of the photographers that helped to make my “Million Dollar Ghetto” event go over so well. It was so cool to see him and see that he is still interested in the Do Something Saturday project.

I also bumped into Troy one of the DJ’s for spirit fire and he was also a DJ for another event I had called “Kick Start” It was cool to listen to his cool sounds and funky beats while we had one amazing night.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve been able to laugh and have a great time. There was one point in the night when I was talking to a friend and he asked what I was doing and I told him I was on my way back home and I stopped to think that I haven’t said that in over 19 months. I stopped and thought to myself “on my way home” how sweet does that sound and feel to say.

Saturday night ended with me talking with someone who is becoming pretty special to me until I fell asleep.

I woke Sunday morning ate a bowl of cereal and thought to myself “why am I up this early for?” and I went back to bed.

It’s about 7:15PM right now and Kimarie and Daniel have gone to a birthday party for their friend and I have been sitting on the balcony talking with my friend Sarah and then my friend Sean from New York. I started blogging when I got another call from my other friend Sean in the Bay Area.

After talking to them and blogging for a bit I sat on the balcony to see the sun set and then came back inside to finish my blog. As I sit here and type this I am reminded that when it all goes down the last one to chime in is God, so until he chimes in I need not worry myself about all the other stuff.

I am thankful for the people I have in my life. Kimarie and Daniel who are now very much like my new safe harbor. Then I have people like Tina and Andy who are always right there when I need them. Now people like Ryan and Moina who have been such an amazing couple to have in my life and I dare not forget the new wonder woman in my life, Tiana, who not only provides the support I need with helping me get the services I need, but she is also someone I can call on when I am going through things. She never tells me, let me tell you who to call or let me get someone for you. She’s right there and I am so blessed for that. Then there is Brian who has also been a huge amount of support for me.

At the beginning of the week I felt like the wheels were starting to fall off and by the weekend God stepped in and said. “Not so. You are my child and you are loved and have favor in my sight.”

The pictures with this post are from my weekend. I am uploading the video from the Do Something Saturday event.

Job interview

• Posted by Kengi on September 24, 2008 at 7:04pm

Well finally I am getting some calls from all the resumes I have sent out over the past week. In fact today I went on my first interview. It was with a private family in West LA and I think it went pretty well.

It’s a family of five. I had the chance to chill out with the kids while Mom ran around the house answering the phone and running her in home business. At one point I jumped in and helped her with the lunch while she went to answer her phone. He kids said how my grilled cheese sandwiches were much better then hers. I just laughed and pretended like I only completed what she had already started.

We sat and talked for a bit and she even asked me how I felt about being in with all whites. She said this with a funny look on her face and I was glad when the oldest child jumped in and said. “Mommy, that isn’t the kind of question you should be asking” We all laughed and that sort of let me off the hook.

I showed her how I would plan a menu for the family and also how I would do the shopping. She was more then happy to give me money for gas and her credit card to go get some things to make a fast dinner. I thought this was very odd that someone who didn’t know me from a hole in the ground, would offer her credit cards so fast. But I went to the store and got some things to prepare a fast dinner. The kids wanted Mac and Cheese and I made a fast grilled chicken and veggies with a salad for her and her husband. They seemed pretty impressed.

In fact they said they would call me at the end of the week to let me know if they think I am a match or not. If not they offered me the numbers of some other families who are looking for people to cook for them.

I jumped back into the car and headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription.

Start of the breakdown

• Posted by Kengi on September 30, 2008 at 11:20am

I haven’t written a blog since the 24th, that’s when I had my job interview. I was feeling awesome and I was really hoping things were finally turning around for me. However in the back of my head I had a bad feeling.

I didn’t get the HOPWA move in grant like I thought I would and this is where my housing once again falls apart. My friend Kimarie can’t afford to carry all the rent alone and with my move in grant I would have been able to at least help with the rent, but that didn’t happen.

In other times when my housing has fallen apart it was hard to deal with, but this time it is much harder to deal with. I felt like I was finally settled. I hung my paintings on the walls and have what little clothes I have hanging and folded. Things that I have had to carry in my backpack for the past 19 months have been stored in a drawer and most times I leave the house without my backpack.

Yeah, this time when my housing fell apart, so did I. I really don’t know how to describe it, but it wasn’t at all like my cries I’ve had in the past. It was much more then that. I remember as a kid when I heard my great grandma cry after grand pappy had passed. I never forget the sound that came out of her. Right then I knew I never wanted to cry like that. I’ve this cry many times in my life. I heard Ma cry it three times. For both her parents and then my Pops.

Since I became homeless there has been no time for me to cry or morn all the loss I have had to deal with. No time to cry about the cancer, HIV or Sickle Cell. I had to keep it together. I had to be strong. Plus there was no place for me to morn or cry. So I locked everything up inside of me. The more I lost, the more I locked up my feelings.

When Ma passed I just knew I wouldn’t be able to stuff another feeling into my life and not deal with it, but I did. When I think about it, I am just like that old pressure cooking that Ma used to steam cabbage in. It was a heavy metal pot, silver in color with a lid that slipped on and then slid into place. To help the lid be even more secure there were these heavy clamps that locked around the pot and the lid. I remember the very daya that pot failed and exploded just as I was about to walk into the kitchen. I heard my Ma scream not to go in there as she came running toward me. Even she hesitated before going into her kitchen. When we did go in it looked like a bomb had gone off. I was amazed how much damage was done to things way on the other side of the room. The glass doors that led to the back yard were broken.

For the past 19 months my life has been that pressure cooker and last week it blew. I could feel it coming, but didn’t know what it was. I was sitting when I looked over at my painting on the wall is when it all came crashing in on me. That’s when all the hurt, the shame of homeless, the shame of HIV, the shame of not being able to tell my Ma what I was going through, all the loss, all the being told no and the fact that I cant seem to do things right anymore crashed in on me along with no not knowing

What do you do when?

• Posted by Kengi on September 30, 2008 at 5:49pm

What do you do when you feel all your hard work was for nothing?
What do you do when every step forward is met with 10 steps backward?
What do you do when you’re too sick from being sick?
Where do you go when you’ve tried everything?
What do you do when kind words are just no longer enough?
What do you do when you find yourself crying more then you are smiling?
What happens when you’re best is no longer good enough?
Who do you turn to when there are no options?
What do you hold on to?
Who do you hold on to?
What happens when you’re sick, but not sick enough for help?
What happens when you just give up?

Two things happen. You either become the homeless person that all of us know very well. Walking along Wilshire talking to people that aren’t there, the old lady who simply sits next to the pier, the man who lives in behind the trash can and eats from the garbage can. Or you kill yourself.

In 19 months of homelessness I have learned that agencies don’t give a rats ass about homeless people. For me I only have to look at all that has gone wrong all while I have done all the required things right. If that isn’t enough just look at how many people have been homeless as long as I have. Take a much closer look at all the services you think are out there and then test them. See if they work or are they just a bunch of agencies offering the same things in different buildings with not many success stories.

So when I look at the list of questions above and answer them I have to tell you that I don’t feel like I am going to make it through this. I feel that I have been in the system so long that it is too late for me. I am fighting a system that is designed to limit and fail. I am dealing with people who don’t care. This then makes it very hard to think I can get through this. After 19 months a small part of me is having doubts.

I am not and have not said that I am going to give up, nor have I said I am going to kill myself. Please don’t project either of these onto me. I am simply putting it out there, that some people in the situation I have been in for 19 months do things because they feel they have no other choice and I fully understand that thinking.

What do I do when I feel like I am at the end of my rope?

I try to visualize the land while I am in the middle of the worst storm. I try to trust in the father and know that he will come through for me, just like he promised.

What do I do when I feel like I am at the end of my rope?

I reach beyond the break and I hold on.

That’s what I’ve done for 19 months and this entire time it has taken a huge toll on my body, my outlook on things, my belief and hope in people and in 19 months I have lost all faith in any agency in place to assist people who are poor and homeless. The medical community has shown me that unless I can pay or have medical insurance then I am not worth their time.

It is going to be much harder for me to reach beyond the break this time. Because I am very weak and my spirit as well as my soul has grown tired. It is going to take every last energy I have left in me to reach beyond the break this time and if I fail again I don’t know that I will get back up again. You can only be knocked down so many times before you start to wobble with each effort to get back up. Then it’s just a matter of time, a matter of blows before you just stay down.

I’ve taken some pretty hard hit over the past 19 months and I have done my best to remain calm, clear headed and not to react too much. I honestly don’t know how many more hits I can take.

NING…. Corporate GREED

// April 19th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Social Networking

This weekend has been rather crazy for me. I already had so much that I needed to get done for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach that takes place this week on Skid Row, plus I had a Kick Start Meals “Sunday Dinner” planned for Sunday. In addition to all of this I also needed to make certain that I am fully ready for my trip to Washington DC. I think you can see that my plate was really full and any change would cause problems.

Last week was already pretty packed with trips to the doctor, appointments with the building manager and Los Angeles Housing Authority and then two trips to USC. There were also the personal things that  I needed to take care of and events in was invited to as well.

Just when I thought the week would end with no major problems, Thursday morning as I was stepping out of the shower my BlackBerry would not stop ringing. At first I thought I must have missed an appointment or something like this, but after looking at my calendar everything was in place. Thursday was an all day appointment for a walk through with the housing authority. This would be the last step in being recertified for my apartment. I was so hoping they would come before too late because I also needed to head to the valley to the doctor once again to have my TB test read.

My BlackBerry started ringing again, when I answered it a friend announced that NING was getting rid of FREE social network on their platform. I was really shocked when I heard this, because there was no warning this was going to take place. Now NING has not been free from problems for me and many others I am sure, starting with trying to log in and finding that my site displays a banner that says “this site has been taken offline by its owner.” I’ve never taken my site offline, but many times when NING makes what they call system wide improvements many sites do not come back online.

Moreover four of my members and even myself have been locked out of our accounts after NING makes “improvements” to make networks better and each time NING would always dismiss these problems like it was no big deal to them.

No sooner then I hit end on one call my phone rings again and this time it is someone from Atlanta who ready my blog and also likes reading blogs on Project KengiKat, she too had heard the news about NING and wanted to make sure I as aware. Both callers know just how much Project KengiKat means to me and how much time, effort, energy and how many of my tears are very much a part of that network. I spoke with her for a while and she offered some solutions.

When I hit end of the call I then got a text from someone telling me the very same thing about NING and that said they wanted to give me a heads up, but by this time I had already read the announcement and many of the comments, including the one made by the person who sent the text. When I read the text I was like “Wow, how can you say you’re my friend and not have a problem with this?”

I was really pissed, angry and upset, but just like with all I have been through I had no time to sit and waste time. I had to make sure I was doing everything I could to make sure people on my network who blog and have items there like pictures and videos would have time to get them off the network if they wanted to. Right away I logged into Project KengiKat and sent out a mass email to all members of the network to let them know what was going to take place. Many of them got back to me right away and said they have copies or would start working to remove their blogs, pictures and videos.

My next concern was for all my blogs, pictures and videos on my network. I knew the videos from my youtube channel were safe, but here are some videos that only appear on Project KengiKat. While I was thinking my phone rang again and this time it was the person who was about to help me launch some new things on my network and had even lined up four very high profile bloggers who had agreed to blog once a month on my network about very important issues such as homelessness, HIV and AIDS, education and health care. I was so excited because this was something that these people were willing to do for me because they believe in my work and what I am trying to do. It was also nice to hear that they have a huge amount of respect for me and from what I have been through. Thursday night was also going to be the first time I would host an online chat for my network. The cool thing was that 10 people said they would log on and help me make it a success. I know had the task of calling them to let them know that I would be canceling the chat. I also had to call my friend and inform him that the new blogs would not be taking place because of NING killing the free networks.

My network on NING represents so much and for me that was many times the only since of normal on my life when I was homeless. It kept my mind clear because I had a place where I could go and release all the crap that life was dealing to me. I was able to make friends from across other networks. There just simply isn’t enough time for me to put into words as to what this network means to me.

I wasn’t about to just walk away from Project KengiKat, but I also wasn’t going to sit and allow NING to simply take it away from me either. I had read many comments from the leaders of NING and it was clear that people like me and networks such as mine are not something they want on their platform nor do they respect people like me or networks like me. Even when I was sitting on top of world I never looked down on people and I never acted like I was some how better then the next person because I had all that I did. My parents just never raised me to be this way. When I see it in others it truly disgusts me  to no end.

The final walk through lasted about 5 minutes and I took Dodger out for a walk and then I headed for the train to get to the doctor. While on my way to the doctor I did some thinking about how I was going to reinvent Project KengiKat and where. I also thought about the same things while I came back home.

Thanks to the help of my friend Eric I am now looking at some other places where I might be relaunching Project KengiKat and he also helped find a easy way for me to remove my blogs from NING and back them up on a drive he gave me for my birthday.

All weekend I have been working very hard to remove my blogs from NING and place them on my website blog where I have already been blogging. It has been lots of work and caused me to cancel my Sunday Dinner and reschedule it for after my return from Washington. My goal was to be done with the removal of the blog and back on track by Sunday night, but it is already Monday morning at 1:00AM and I still have three months left for the year of 2008. I still have lots of work to do, so my days will now have to start a bit earlier and end a bit later so that I am able to remain on schedule for this week and have the blogs removed by the end of this week.

The funny thing in all of this is that NING would not have even said a word about this until they were fully ready to give the AX to networks, but someone leaked the plan because their executives were stupid enough to send out an email about it and also speak of firing people from the company as well. Below is the email from NING.

——

NING UPDATE: PHASING OUT FREE SERVICES

Posted by John McDonald on April 15, 2010 at 9:39am in Announcements from Ning

Hi,

Today we made some changes at Ning.  I want to share with you the email Jason Rosenthal, our CEO, sent to all Ning employees:

Team,

When I became CEO 30 days ago, I told you I would take a hard look at our business.  This process has brought real clarity to what’s working, what’s not, and what we need to do now to make Ning a big success.

My main conclusion is that we need to double down on our premium services business.  Our Premium Ning Networks like Friends or Enemies, Linkin Park, Shred or Die, Pickens Plan, and tens of thousands of others both drive 75% of our monthly US traffic, and those Network Creators need and will pay for many more services and features from us.

So, we are going to change our strategy to devote 100% of our resources to building the winning product to capture this big opportunity.  We will phase out our free service.  Existing free networks will have the opportunity to either convert to paying for premium services, or transition off of Ning.  We will judge ourselves by our ability to enable and power Premium Ning Networks at huge scale.  And all of our product development capability will be devoted to making paying Network Creators extremely happy.

As a consequence of this change, I have also made the very tough decision to reduce the size of our team from 167 people to 98 people.  As hard as this is to do, I am confident that this is the right decision for our company, our business, and our customers.  Marc and I will work diligently with everyone affected by this to help them find great opportunities at other companies.

I’ve never seen a more talented and devoted team, and it has been my privilege to get to know and work with each and every one of you over the last 18 months.

We’ll use today to say goodbye to our friends and teammates who will be leaving the company.  Tomorrow, I will take you through, in detail, our plans for the next three months and our new focus.

Thanks,

Jason Rosenthal

I know many of you will have questions about this announcement.  We will share detailed plans within two weeks.

I feel confident that this change in direction will be very positive for our premium service customers because Ning will be 100% focused on delivering the features and services which benefit you and help you achieve your goals.

I will be here to answer your questions and respond to your concerns.   However, today I am focusing on my team, so there may be a delay in my responses.

Thanks,

John McDonald

VP Advocacy

——-

Can someone please tell me what happened to integrity in business and fairness in employment practices?

Blogs from 2008 (August 1st-29th)

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

30 Day Shuffle

• Posted by Kengi on August 1, 2008 at 3:27pm

Every 30 days on skid row, you must move. No matter where you have housing. You must leave after 30 days. Some places like the Los Angeles Mission only give you 14 days before you must leave. You get 30 days at the Union Rescue Mission as well. Unless you’re in some type of “program”

Anything over 30 days a person is considered to be a resident and all rights then go into full effect. So to prevent people from getting a permanent residence, on of before 30 days you must leave. Find housing some place else.

In my case I have been approved for permanent housing, however it isn’t in this building and therefore I too must leave at the end of 30 days. Not only do I not qualify for housing from Skid Row Housing r Skid Row Housing Trust if I am living on the street, I also cant stay in a building that isn’t owned and operated by the same organization. For example, if I am waiting for permanent housing from Skid Row Housing, I can’t stay temporarily in a building owned by Skid Row Housing Trust and vice versa. But in order to qualify for housing from either organization also can’t be homeless (on the streets). You must be in one of their buildings or a mission, shelter or some sort of emergency housing that they approve. Does this sound like organization that are truly trying to help homeless people? Sounds to me like someone’s taking full advantage of someone’s disadvantage and making money in the process. All while local and state governments stand by and allow this to take place in full view. In fact the fully participate in the entire process through The Los Angeles Housing Authority An organization created by the City and County of Los Angeles.

If you think this is crazy. Get a load of this If I were to take temporary housing with another agency, then I would have to forget about permanent housing from SRO Housing. You’re not allowed to mixed services. You are homeless and you don’t get the right to make choices that best suit your needs.

It is abut to get much more crazy right here. Tomorrow is August 1, 2008. I have four scheduled doctors’ appointments. However today I got an email from Gabriel telling me that I needed to touch base with Joanna to get my voucher extended and I also needed to meet with him to go over the ending of my housing next week.

Gabriel is fully aware of my medical issues and he knows that I cant afford to miss medical appointments. I cleared Monday and Tuesday so I could be free to take care of all housing needs. Why couldn’t this be handled on those days when I was forced to hang out here on Skid Row? Because people who have jobs that serve homeless people figure that homeless people don’t have anything better to do other then sit around waiting for them.

So now for the 87th time since becoming homeless 17 and half months ago, my housing is once again expiring. Not because I have failed to do something I am required to do, but because the are games like “the 30 day shuffle” that I must play in order to keep the housing I have.

Someone on my youtube channel told me “you should be grateful for the roof over your head” he told me that people in Africa don’t have a “damn thing” and all I do is sit on my ass and complain. I guess I should be grateful for his mind power as well.

The 30 day shuffle will start next week and according to Mr. Ron Clark from the Housing Authority of Los Angeles, it might take up to 8 weeks “maybe more” before I might be able to move into the unit I was told I could have. But he says, there’s no guarantee I will even get it, but it will sit vacant until I get it or I am rejected.

Last week I contacted I went to the Mayor’s Office to try to get some direction and also file a complaint against SRO Housing and the Housing Authority of Los Angeles. I spoke with Sam Galvin who is the Neighborhood and Community Services representative. He was a young guy, who really had no interest in talking to me (a homeless black man) about issues I am having with SRO Housing and the Housing Authority of Los Angeles. Since our little meeting I have called his office 3 times only to get a voicemail. All calls have gone unreturned.

After I take care of things here on Skid Row I will make my way over to the City Council Office and try to speak with someone in my council persons office. I believe this is Jan Perry. Jan is very well respected in the Black community, I don’t know her all that well, nor do I know a thing about her record, since I’ve always voted in Santa Monica, I never needed to know things about the Los Angeles City Council.

I do know that she is the producer of the Central Jazz Festival and I did hve the chance to speak with her. I also had the chance to hear her speak about how much she cares for the area she represents and people should contact her office if there are comments, concerns or issues they needed to have addressed. Since I now live in her district, I will take her up on her offer today.

This is a election year here in Los Angeles and I plan to contact each person running for office as well as the incumbent in office to get their outlook and a clear understanding as to what they plan to do to help solve the housing crisis and homeless situation here in this city.

I am told that I have a right to petition my government for a remedy for any problems I may have and it is their elected duty to properly and fully address such concerns.

Will post the results, names and phone numbers of people I am now beginning to contact. If you would like to call their office and voice your concern then I ask that you do so. Even if you read this blog from outside the country, call and let people know how shameful this country is for the they treat their citizens.

Sam Galvin
Neighborhood & Community Services
Office of the Mayor of the City of Los Angeles
(213) 978-0721 or by fax (213) 978-0650

After leaving Skid Row I headed over to the offices of Skid Row Housing. I must say that I was very impressed with the office where they are located. SRO Housing Corporation is located in the Old Bank District. They are on the 4th floor. Since the hotel I am a staying in a so run down and disgusting I naturally assumed their offices would be the same way. This isn’t the case at all. The offices are very plush.

I spoke with Lenora Moore who was at the front desk when I walked in and I must say I was even more surprised at how helpful she was. She wasn’t anything like the staff at the hotel where I stay. She was pleasant and very helpful. Not at all what I am use to.

She handed me a paper that I filled out and handed back to her. She assured me someone would get to back to me within a few days. So now I will once again go into a holing pattern until I get a call back.

I was given a copy of my complaint and I took that copy to my case manager Tiana so it could be placed in my file and also to be certain that she is fully aware of what I am dealing with and all that I must try to take care of in the limited amount of “working hours” I say “working hours” because people who work in any area of services for homeless people don’t seem to have very many hours that they are required to work. For example, the ongoing joke with Tiana and me is that she actually shows up and works full days on Fridays where as most people in the service area for homeless people do not. If they do show up, it is only for a few hours. Not all day.

Try to imagine having to pack up your life every 30 days and move into another place. Not because you have decided the other place is best for you, but because if you are there longer then 30 days you would have rights as a tenant. To prevent this from happening homeless people who are housed in temporary housing situations like those provided by SRO Housing, Skid Row Housing Trust as well as shelters and missions must move out on or before 30 days (some require this to take place in 14 days) to prevent you from having any rights.

I am lost

• Posted by Kengi on August 7, 2008 at 3:30pm

I thought my life just couldn’t get any worse, but it has. Just when I thought I was seeing the light at the end of this cave I’ve been in for 18 months now, I am seeing that it was only an illusion and I once again got my hopes up only to have them dashed away.

This time my disappointment came in two. I lost housing on Skid Row because I didn’t sign a voucher that wasn’t in my box. I have never missed signing my voucher before and they’ve always been at the front desk for me to sign, but since I went to the SRO Corporation to complain the voucher was no longer there and I lost housing for not signing it.

On top of not having a place, I then get a call that Ma has passed. Right then my world came falling in on me. For 18 months I had was doing such a great job trying to hold myself and my life together. My life has felt sort of like a huge dam that started leaking. I made some repairs, but another leak came and then another and another and now the dam has broken and I am under water.

As much as I like to think I can make it through this, there is a small part (getting bigger each day) of me that is giving up. Homelessness has a way of stripping you, not just of a place to live, but your pride, self respect and dignity. Agencies in place to help homeless people key very key roles in the entire process.

If someone like me cant get his or herself out of homelessness, then what does a person with no faith, very little will and almost no courage to fight back, stand?

When Pops died, there was no time for me to cry, I haven’t even been able to put a fucken headstone on his grave. Now Ma and there is no time to morn for either. I have bottled up all my feelings about the death of my Pops, because I cant break down, and now Ma is gone and those feelings that I have done such a great job at forcing out of my head, have now doubled.

My parents were my world, they were my life. I loved them unconditionally, just like they loved me. Unconditional love isn’t something I know much about outside of my parents and the lover I had for 11 years. My world feels much darker then it did a few days back and now I feel like I will never recover from this.

My heart once again has been broken and I don’t have the energy to try to repair it. My world has once again been flipped, shaken, kicked and turned inside out and I must deal with this all while being sick and homeless.

Tell me what do you do, when you’ve done all you can and it seems like it’s never enough? Where do you turn when the two people who were always there for you are now no longer available? Please don’t say “how about your friends?” because I have learned over the weekend that I don’t have friends like I thought I did. I have people who know me, but they do not care for me, much less about me.

What do I do, when the mountain becomes to high and I have grown tired of the climb. There is no place to stop and rest, there is no one to call or no one to hold your hand as you cry. So what do you do?

What the hell do I do, when for 18 months all I’ve done is run all over this fucking city and county trying to get things in order and some asshole who wants to be in charge fucks shit up and then I forced to start all over again.

How am I supposed to handle the guilt and shame of homelessness and where it has now caused my life to be? How do I deal with the feelings of my life is no longer worth it? How do I go on when each and everyday the message I have gotten for the past 18 months has been “FUCK YOU”?

My soul is so fucking hurt and I’ve cried so damn much that tears won’t even come out anymore. How do I deal with the feelings that I now have inside of me? I never wanted to know what people meant when they told me it was too late for them, but now I do. I know why they feel the way they do. You get tired of being treated like some piece of shit. You get tired of being told “hold on” when there is nothing to hold on to.

I will say goodbye to Ma on Tuesday and I don’t know how I am going to deal with it. I don’t know how I will get through it. I don’t know if I can. My parents were my life, they were my world. They were my safe harbor, a place to run to when things were wrong. A place where I could feel like everything would be alright. That safe harbor is forever gone and my life has fallen apart.

I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve always felt like I could get through this, but know I don’t think I can and with each agency standing in my way, I am so tired of trying. This is very hard for me, because I am not a quitter, but I am smart enough to know when I’ve been beat.

If this blog has inspired you, then please Do Something. There is people who are in such much pain and are suffering so much and all we do is watch and cheer lead. Homeless people don’t need cheer leaders, they need people to Do Something. It doesn’t take long for the people to just give up hope. It only takes some people a few minutes, hours or days before they get defeated and then become the man or woman who is just waiting to die. It doesn’t take long before homelessness will have you talking into trash cans and eating out of them as well because the meals are better then those at mission and shelters.

For 18 months I have tried so hard and fought for so long, not just homelessness, but sickness as well. It took me 18 months. I am tired. I will soon be the homeless man covered in so much dirt that people don’t even look at me. I will now just wait my turn to die.

I am NOT going to hurt myself or anyone else. I am just done playing this fucked up game of homelessness and sickness.

There was so much I had to talk to my Ma about and now I will never get the chance to do this and this is really killing me. I can’t believe that she is gone and just like Pops, I will not let her go. I cant let them go, if I do I will break down and I know I want recover from it. So just like with Pops, this too will get bottled up inside and I will carry it daily and it will continue to eat me up inside, only this time it will be that much harder.

Let’s get busy

• Posted by Kengi on August 8, 2008 at 1:02pm

I have set the date for the next Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people outreach for Saturday, September 19, 2008 at 10:00AM at Pershing Square in Downtown Los Angeles.

Please ask your family, friends and co-workers to donate items for Do Something Kits include the following items

• New pairs of socks
• Granola, power, protein or cliff bars
• bar soap or body wash
• hand or face towels
• tooth brushes and tooth paste
• mouth wash
• deodorant
• bottle water
• beanies (hats)
• shampoo and conditioner
• hand lotion
• large zip lock bags he pictures with this posting are pics I took while on my date)

All items should be travel size so they can fit into the large zip lock bag.You can get these items at your local 99 cent store.

If you do not live in the Los Angeles area and would like to donate items for the kits, please contact me for an address where you can mail your donations.

Please help me help those who are in need right here in Los Angeles.

For more information lease email me at kengikat@gmail.com or by phone (424) 204-2236.

3rd night and all is well

• Posted by Kengi on August 9, 2008 at 2:34pm

Tonight is my 3rd night here at Project New Hope and so far it has been very cool. After the weekend I just had and the week I just came through, it has been a major blessing to have a place where I can at least rest and get some much needed sleep.

It isn’t at all like a shelter or mission, nope not at all. It’s a real house with real nurses and a cool staff. They serve 3 meals, plus snacks and you’re given a area where you can store snacks and other food items that you buy for yourself. There is also a refrigerator that is for the house residents to use. So far the meals that I have eaten have been great, almost like home cookin.

I share a good size room with two other guys. So far they seem pretty cool and so do the other guys in the house. It’s a 5 bedroom house with 11 guys who all have HIV and are gay. Not at all like the Russ Hotel on Skid Row.

My bed is in the center of the other two guys in the room and it has a huge dip on the right side. The first night I nearly fell out of it a few times. It’s also pretty hot because there is no ventilation in the area where I am, so it has been sort of hard to get a great sleep, because I wake up from being to hot.

I at least have a place where I can feel comfortable leaving me things, but my laptop and digital camera will remain with me at all times, simply because I have been warned not to leave them unattended, plus they have already told me they aren’t responsible for things that are lost or stolen.

The only things I don’t like so far are the fact that they have asked to take over my case management and they now want to manage my the medicines that I currently take. The answer is no on both counts. Tiana at APLA has done great by me and I am not about to make any changes to something that doesn’t need to be fixed. The same goes for me HIV care from USC. I will not change it for any reason other then me being unhappy with the level of care.

I am not sure how long the program will allow me to stay; I think it was for 8 months, I will be more certain of this on Monday. During this time I will begin to aggressively look for work and do my best to get back up on feet.

The past couple of days I have tried very hard to keep myself very busy so I do not have to think about the huge void in life right now. I don’t even want to think about Tuesday at all and I am not looking forward to it either. It will be a very hard day for me and I am dreading it. I will do my best to get through the day without breaking down. I know that if I don’t keep my feelings in check I will break so far down that I think it will take a long time for me to recover and I don’t have time to break down.

I’ve set the date for my next Do Something Saturday~that empowers people, for Saturday, September 19, 2008 at 10:00AM in Downtown LA at Pershing Square. The goal I have set for the outreach is to pass out 100 Do Something Kits and 100 bag lunches. I already have support for my friends Tina and Andy and I am sure others with join in as well. I am really looking forward to doing another Do Something outreach and be a blessing to those in need.

It’s 10:02PM of Friday night and I am sitting on the back patio typing this in word to be added to my blog tomorrow. Tiana will be on vacation next week, but Brian has already checked in on my to see how I am doing and to congratulate me on getting into Project New Hope. I want to let everyone know that Brian from APLA was a huge blessing to me over the weekend and I would have been so lost, so much more then I already was, had he not come to help me deal things I was going through. THANKS BRIAN.

Just when I think things are at there worst, God steps in and shows me that he is still in complete control of everything. Even when it seems like and feels like all things are so far out of control. God always seems to make a way out of no way for me and for this I will always be grateful and blessed.

Tomorrow I will spend some time at Being Alive, Chad called me to express his concern for me and to let me know he was sorry to hear about my loss. After I will hang out with Ryan and his girlfriend for a going away party for him. Since meeting Ryan and Monia they both have been really cool people to have in my life, they say I inspire them, but it is the other way around.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

One day at a time

• Posted by Kengi on August 9, 2008 at 5:30pm

Today has pretty calm for me. I spent some time down at the beach in Santa Monica doing a bit of prayer and meditation and then I headed over to one of my favorite breakfast spots in Santa Monica. This is a spot where my parents took me as a kid and for as long as I can remember it has always had a very special place in my life and I am sure it always will.

I had breakfast at Joe’s on Main Street in Santa Monica. Main Street holds so many childhood and adult memories for me. The Omelet Parlor is there and this too was a favorite for my Ma and Pops then there are all the cool coffee places that I fell in love with while I was at USC and then again when I moved back from New York.

After breakfast I walked past the condo I use to own. I purchased it when I was 23 years old. My catering business was doing so well, that I was able to pay cash for it. I loved that place and it was very sad and to be honest quit hard for me to walk by there today. It is the first time I have gone by there since I lost the place. Talk about closure. The front of the building still looks the same, however I know the people who also owned there have long moved away and now own in other areas of Santa Monica.

It’s funny how I always thought I would always have that condo just 3 blocks from the beach. No matter where I was living I always knew I had a place to come home to. Even with the home I grew up in. I just always thought it would always be part of my life. But things happen and life has a funny way and making a fool out of you and all your best laid out plans.

I then headed to mid town to see a friend and say hello to her family. It was her Moms birthday and I didn’t want to spoil the day by not showing up. I haven’t told them about my loss and I wont tell them today and I may not tell them at all. My friends Mom is very sick and she is already very afraid that she may not be around too much longer, so I refuse to piss on what’s left of her mother’s life.

Around 1:30PM I was at Being Alive in the studio. I finished my “dark” skid row painting and then worked on two clay pieces. The studio and the guys are very cool and I am so blessed to be able to have a place like this in my life. Just like music and the arts, the guys and the studio are now part of the key elements that help me hold things together, even when I feel that everything around me and in my life is falling apart.

There were times today that I had to pretend to go to the bathroom, because I just needed to cry and I didn’t want anyone to see. I am still not at the point where I can allow myself to cry very much because I know I will break down and I just can’t do that yet. I have no place to do that and I won’t break down for the entire world to see.

Tonight I am spending time with two new friends who are having a party and I hope this can be a place for me to just relax and take in all the good things that are still very present in my life, but I know this too will be hard for me, because every other thought is about letting go and I just can’t do that.

OH YES!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on August 10, 2008 at 3:05pm

Last night was pretty special to me. Ryan and Monia invited me to a going away party for Ryan. He is going to the Philippines to do some community building work. It was an honor for me to even be asked. At first I wasn’t going to attend, because I didn’t know how I would be feeling and to be honest I don’t really do well around a bunch of new people at once.

However this was different. Even though I have just met these two, they have very quickly become two people I have a connection with. They’ve both have told me how much of a inspiration I have been to them. Not just for my community work, but for my faith in God. Ryan hasn’t been a believer that long and he as well as Monia are just very “inspired” at my faith in God in the face of all that I going through.

Ryan had already told me that he had asked his family and friends to brings things for the Do Something Kits, but I have to tell you that I am so blown away by the amount people gave. When Ryan showed me what his friends and family had donated so far for the outreach I was just blown away. I had no idea that it would be the amount of things. There were bags and boxes of clothes, can foods and items for Do Something Kits. I was so impressed that they have taken such an interest in what I am doing that they would ask their family and friends to get involved as well.

While at the party for Ryan I had the chance to speak with several people, but the one who seems to stick out the most was his friend Pam. She came over and sat with me while I was on the back patio and I am so glad she did. She shared that she too is a child of the most high king and right away I felt good. We talked for a while about Gods love and about homeless and some of the things I as well as others have gone and are going through.

At the end of the night as I was getting on the train to head to Long Beach I was reminded that my life has been a blessed one. I have lived all over and have had pretty much free reign down here on Gods earth. I was also reminded that even though I am in the midst of a huge storm in my own life, that God wont put more of me then I can bare.

In knowing this I must continue to visualize the land, while riding through the storm, I must keep trusting in my Father and listen to his words and call. God never promised me a smooth path, no, in fact he told me that this would be a difficult journey and I would be tried and tested on all fronts, But if I keep my mind on him, he’d keep me in perfect peace and every promise shall be mine.

As the train pulled off headed toward Downtown LA the song “We Made It” came to mind and small tears began to form in my eyes. Not because I was sad or anything like this, but because when I look back over my life, I see that God has been very good to me and no matter what has happened or what will happen, God will uphold he with his right hand and lift up a standard against anyone and all that comes against me. No matter what takes place, God will keep me standing because my life is in his hands.

In an early blog posting I asked what was I going to do now that my life seems it has fallen completely apart? Well now, through putting into practice what Ma always told me “be still” I’ve done just that and I have my answer.

I will stand. Stay the course and continue with the task that God has given me to do. Not just for me but for people who cant speak for themselves and in honor and memory of my awesome parents. I serve a God who is great and mighty and as long as I trust and believe in him, I am able to do all things.

I believe I can make it, I can make it through the night. I believe I can walk on with my head held high. I believe that I am special in everyway and now I walking right into my victory. God says he will give the winds a mighty voice and for this task he has seen fit to give the winds of change my voice for a while and I will not fail him.

My son this week is Jesus Saves. This song is so special to me because there is a part where the lead singer asks the question if HE can be saved and can HE be delivered, can HE be healed and does God love HIM. I place myself there and I am moved to tears of joys and praise because with all that I am going through, all that I have before me, God is still right there, even when so called friends turn backs and walk away.

Even in all that is before me, I can still have joy, I can still be happy and I can still find it within myself to reach out to help and yes even inspire others. I am a child of the most high King and he has given me favor.

OH YES!!!

Awesome Day

• Posted by Kengi on August 12, 2008 at 7:34pm

After the funeral today I took some time to just take in the beauty and majesty of God. Sometimes we all get some busy with our day to day lives that we forget about the gift of life that God gives to us each and everyday.

Yeah it may be rough sometimes and there are times when all of us fall short and feel we need to do more or haven’t done enough and even have bit off way more then we can chew. In those times I think it’s important for us to just slow down, sit back and let nature run the show.

It think if we all took a little more time each day to just take in the beauty that’s always around each of us, we will see that the life we have is a truly blessed one. Even in the midst of all we are going through, just take some time to BREATHE and take it all in.

Today could have sent me into a downward spin, but I kept my wits about me and I knew God would see me through it. I wont lie and say that it was easy, because it was everything but.

One shot to my heart without breaking my skin, no one has the power to hurt me like my kin. Kept it all inside I didn’t tell no one else. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself, but now my chest burns and my back aches from 5 long years of holding the pain and now I’ll only have myself to blame if I continue to allow things that I can not control eat away at me. It was very hard to see that my name was left off the service program from my Ma’s service and much harder to see that my Pops name was spelled wrong.

Rather then letting this destroy me and cause me to act in a way that wasn’t in my best interests, I found peace and comfort in knowing that I was a great son to my Ma and to my Pops. I delighted in the fact that everyone there new the amazing love and joy my parents not only had for each other, but for me as well and with every person who spoke, this message came through loud and clear.

After the funeral I took some time for myself. The service was nice and it was great to see family that I haven’t seen in such a very long time. I also got the chance to see some friends that I grew up with who were fond of my parents. But after I just wanted to enjoy the beauty around me and I wanted some time to be with my memory of my Ma.

I headed back to my cousins house to change out of suit my friend purchased for me and I headed over to Balboa Lake in the Valley. I haven’t been there in such a long time, but this spot hold very cool memories for me of both Ma and Pops. So I thought I would be a great place to be alone and relax and take some time to remember Ma. I am so glad I took the time to do this because it was good for me.

Just like I knew I wouldn’t, I didn’t break down and I didn’t let go of her. To do so now would mean I would have to let go of Pops too. So instead Ii just talked to both of them and asked them to hold space for me for just a little while longer until I am able to let go of both of them.

The part was just like I remembered it. Green with lots of trees and plenty of ducks running around. There were families and couples and people walking their dogs. There were also plenty of people riding bikes, running and getting their daily exercise.

The cool thing from today was the fact that I played the organ today for my Ma. After Pops passed I stopped playing altogether and then today my Great Uncle John asked me if I would play and sing for my Ma. I made my way down toward the piano and half way there I looked over at the Hammond B3. That was where my Ma was QUEEN. I d

“Make it talk boy.” was what I heard my Uncle say and I did just that. As I sat down I asked for her to guide me and sit there with me and play through me. The voice was is still there so I just needed for it to be steady and strong. It was cool to sit on the organ where Ma reined as Queen. It was nice to get the response from the congregation as well.

The coolest thing of the day was al the people who spoke had such awesome memories and cool stories of Ma and Pops and of me. So the fact that I was left off the program was cool that everyone had such cool memories of my folks and me.

Do Something Saturday

• Posted by Kengi on August 13, 2008 at 12:01pm

• 

  There are some really cool things I am working on right now. The first being the awesome Do Something Saturday outreach that I able to do thanks to my friends Ryan and Moina and their efforts to support me in helping those who have less.

  When I started the Do Something Saturday outreach program it’s main goal was to be of service to people who are homeless and to this day it is still the primary goal of my organization. However the program now includes efforts to assist low income families, seniors and people living with HIV/AIDS

  Just like with homelessness, HIV/AIDS can be very disabling and depressing and without someone to reach out to for help, it can very well destroy you. For me learning that I was HIV positive wasn’t the hard thing. It was how I was treated by medical professionals and the amount of time it took for me to get to a place where I felt like I was getting the best care. Just like with homeless agencies, medical agencies and people in the gay community played keys roles in making me feel worse and worthless about having HIV.

  It is with great pride, honor and a huge amount of respect for the men and women who have to deal with HIV/AIDS that I will do my first Do Something Saturday outreach that will include men and women living with HIV.

  This Friday, thanks to the love and support and belief in me and my organization, Ryan, Moina and myself will give Do Something Kits, clothes and food items to an organization that serves people living with HIV/AIDS. I am so honored to be able to use the gifts and talents that God has given me to be of service and a blessing to people who could really use some assistance.

  After the outreach to the men, the three of us will then go be of service to other people who are homeless and in need of supplies in the City f Long Beach. I am not sure how many homeless people live in Long Beach, but I’ve seen quit a few and on Friday thanks to donations from family and friends of Ryan and Moina, my organization will be able to be a blessing to them.

  Then next month on the 19th of September at 10:00AM in Downtown Los Angeles I will once try to assist homeless people living in the Downtown LA/Skid Row area. Skid Row has the largest concentration of homeless people in the City of Los Angeles, while Los Angeles County has the largest population of homeless people in the country and very little is being done to change this.

  Do Something Saturday is my answer to doing nothing and allowing the situation to get worse. My program is about restoring dignity and pride in self. There isn’t much “positive touch” from Americans when it comes to homelessness. My program seeks to change this be taking items and services directly to the people who need them instead of places like Salvation Army and Goodwill where items are sold for profit.

  Do Something Saturday asks people to care and take time out to be of service to others. It doesn’t just talk about it or plan to do it. It does it each and every time it happens without fail.

  The power to care for people goes far deeper then just talking or putting words on paper. The power is in actions and in the “doing” This is how we can begin to rebuild this nation from the inside, by finding ways to help people regardless of what we think and how we feel about them. My program is about love. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

  The last thing to announce is that the Do Something Saturday now has a new home on the world wide web. www.dosomethingsaturday.org the first page is up so lease stay tuned as the website takes shape. The website and development is once again thanks to my new friend Ryan.

Yeah YOU!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on August 13, 2008 at 12:56pm

Lookin back

I was just a little boy
Skinny legs, and long brown curls
My Ma and Pops always believed that I’d go far
But long before I got my soul got filled
The streets Samo and Oakwood nurtured Louis Carr
Made sure that I’d never go too far
Every ghetto, every city and suburban place I’ve been
Make me recall my days in the New Jerusalem

Story starts in Santa Monica, grew up next to the famous Gonzales family
When kids were wearing Vans and riding skateboards for fun
Watched my brother play “Street Ball” at Memorial Park
Rode my huffy ’til it got dark
Hangin out with my cousins showing off our brand new high top Converse and Walabee’s
Every ghetto, every city and suburban place I’ve been
Make me recall my days in New Jerusalem

You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back,
Looking back, looking back, looking back
You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back
Thinking back, thinking back, thinking back

A bag of Bon Bons, twenty cents and a nickel
Jump on Big Blue to go see my cousins
Gilberts in Oakwood had the best popsicles
Saturday morning cartoons, Soul Train and Kung-Fu
Surf Shop on Main and Ocean Park had the best beach gear
A beef patty and some skillet cornbread
Damn I miss Nana and Grand Pappy
Move the patch from my Lees to the tongue of my shoes
‘Member the City Dump used to have the bomb ass Levis
Back when Doug Fresh and Slick Rick were together
Looking at my crew, I thought we’d all live forever

I remember my black and whites from Nelbands up on Wilshire
Campbells on 4th and Coast Footwear on Pico were two cool places to get my clothes and kicks
Henchy’s Department had a cool elevator with a door man and Bullocks Wilshire was so cool to be in
USC and UCLA Football games, who knew that would later become the school I’d come to love FIGHT ON!!!
How many remember Zody’s way out in LA?
Those were the days

You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back
Thinking back, thinking back, thinking back
You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back
Thinking back, thinking back, thinking back

Drill teams and Homecoming Parade up Pico
Remember when Santa Monica and Venice had beef
Dumbar Hotel was on Central Ave.
My cousin Sherry was there at dancing school
Meeting my friends at Santa Monica College to swim in the Municipal pool
Unaware of what we did or didn’t have
Writing my friends’ names on your jeans with a marker

July 4th Pic-nic at Eldorado Park in Long Beach
Fireworks at Santa Monica Beach
The Untouchable New Bethel Baptist Church Choir
And my friends and I on the Youth Usher Board
My brother and his friends have beef with the cops
My grandparents forced to sale their business to make room for Santa Monica Place Mall
And in my family and community was pissed off
Ladera Heights, Baldwin and Windsor Hills where all the well to do black folks live
I remember the home my grandparent and great parents had there with amazing views
Friday night football games at Corsair Field and the parties on Ocean Avenue way before all the high priced hotels came to town
I remember everybody used to do the wop
Jack, Jack, Jack ya body
Nah, the Biz Mark used to amp up the party
Wearing Top Siders and racing BMX with my cousins
I wish those days, they didn’t stop

Every ghetto, every city and suburban place I’ve been
Make me recall my days in New Jerusalem

You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back

You know it’s hot, don’t forget what you’ve got
Looking back

Time for healing

• Posted by Kengi on August 16, 2008 at 4:27pm

Yesterday and the day before (Thursday and Wednesday) were what I would called days for healing. I did only what I wanted to do. I didn’t worry about thinking or trying figure things out. I didn’t stop to think about what I had to get gone or did I bother myself with calling to check on things that I know in my heart wouldn’t be fixed anyway. There was no point in calling SRO Housing Corporation to speak with Jonna or going by filing another complaint.

The past two days were for me. I needed to some ME time and this is just what I was going to have and I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it one little bit. It seems I spend most of my time thinking of others or trying to make others feel comfortable or happy around me. I was only thinking of me and what I wanted to do.

LOL, I guess this will come as no surprise to the people who know me that I spent some time doing one of things I really love. Working on things for my foundation and Do Something Saturday outreach project. I spoke with Ryan and made some of the final plans for the meeting time and place and also talked to some of the staff and guys here at the house in Long Beach where I now live. I wanted to be certain that my choice to hel people here in this house was a wise choice and not something that would not be welcomed. After I spoke to most of the guys in the house, they were very open and excited that I would even consider them to begin with. Furthermore the two staff people I spoke with regarding the food laundry detergent donation, they were very happy and also excited that I would even offer.

I then headed over to Being Alive and I worked on some really cool new sculptures. I touched base with Chad to make sure he was still going to meet me there and I also picked up some sandwiches for us to eat for lunch. Chad called me the day before the funeral to check on me and make sure I was doing ok and that was really cool to me, so at the very least I could get him a sandwich to help express my thanks for him even thinking about me.

The sculptures I worked on were very cool. With the first sculpture I tried to imagine that the tall columns I was creating were like tall buildings from an ancient city and I tried to place myself inside the piece as person walking through on my way to the High Holy Ground to have some personal time with God. I really like how the piece looks so far. I can’t wait to see it fired for the first time and then move forward with the glazing stage. I really can’t wait to see the final product.

The next sculpture was of a tree that I just had blazed in my head. I tried to created it as best I could just by thinking of the image in my head while I was working the clay. So far I am very please with the way it has turned out. The three is twisted and there are no leaves of any of the branches. The tree leans in an unnatural way and the branches have been badly twisted and pulled in many different directions. However the trunk and roots of the tree that stayed strong and kept the tree firmly planed into the group. Despite the awful storm it has just come through the tree will remain a living, fruit bearing tree.

The tree is exactly how I feel. My life is in a storm and I battling back against all that life is dishing out. I am battered and bruised, shattered, but far from broken and oce I make it through this storm the principles taught to me by my parents (my strong trunk) have created this unmovable faith that I refuse to let go of. (my roots are firmly planted and I will not to uprooted) Once through this storm I will not look, act and be the same person I was when I went into it, but the fruit I will bare will be better then ever before.

Today (Thursday) I made the final plans with Ryan for tomorrow and the Do Something Saturday outreach in Long Beach. I then headed over to Being Alive and again worked on my sculptures and then I started three new projects. I glazed my first painting and took it home with me today. The pieces I worked on today were a bowl, love and HIV plaques and a HIV tome. The bowl is s symbol of the awesome life I still have yet to live and fill with all the good that is in my and that God will supply me with.

The HIV tome is a symbol that I will not allow HIV to run or dictate who I am or who God will have me to be. Just like every other illness in my life, I have it, it doesn’t have me. Above all else I am the child of the most high King and he still loves me and cares for me. I still have his favor and he will still continue to bless my life and direct my paths. So even in HIV I will count my blessing and praise good for my healing.

The Love and Ribbon plaques are symbols for me to remember that people all over this world are dealing with and suffering from HIV and the lack of medical care. God has given me a gift to speak up and speak up and speak out for these people. Not from a point of arrogance or ego, but from someone who is experiencing it first hand and has the sound mind to speak about it. Just like with homelessness, HIV and HIV health care for people who are poor and homeless will be at the forefront of my mission to help people who are suffering.

At the end of the day all we really have is LOVE. Love for self and love for each other. But we also have a love that many don’t take to the time to acknowledge and this is the love that is greater then all the loves on this earth and that is the love of God.

Life is a choice we make and with my life I make the choice to serve God and LOVE humanity and do my very best to give back all that God has blessed me with. This is how my family has always lived. How they always made it through in spite of. Someone asked me how I could afford to live my life believing in God. Well, the real question is how I could afford not to believe.

HELLO SOMEBODY!!!

What an AWESOME outreach..for the first time it included people with HIV

• Posted by Kengi on August 16, 2008 at 4:44pm

It’s Friday about 2:22PM. How funny, does anyone remember the show “room 222”? Anyway, today was a very good day. Just like planned Ryan and Moina arrived in Long Beach at 8:00AM. I introduced them to the house and to the staff. They pulled their truck around back and man was it packed with so much.

There were bags and bags of clothes and three rolling suit cases filled with 40 Do Something Kits. There were also clothes for children and women. In addition there were can food items that were also donated to the house.

After we unloaded the truck and took some pictures we were headed off to do what the foundation has done for over 18 months now. Be of service to homeless people. As I have stated before, I am not sure as the number of homeless people there are here in Long Beach, but one homeless person is one too many, I don know there are a great deal more then just one homeless person here in Long Beach. I am also not fully aware of what services there are in place to assist or even offer basic things like showering or hygiene kits to homeless people who want them. Thanks Ryan and Moina and through their family and friends my foundation and the Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people outreach project was able to stand in the gap for homeless people and people living with HIV.

We went to Lincoln Park, it’s located in Downtown Long Beach and this is the one area where I know homeless people seem to gather. We found a place to park and began our outreach. It was so cool to be to see the smiles on the faces of the people we came into contact with today. It was also very cool to hear some the comments from the people who received the Do Something Kits.

“This is great” is what one guy told us while this one lady went on about the socks that are included in the Do Something Kits. We saw one guy eating his granola bar as we made our way back to the truck and as we left Moina noticed that one lady had already began to use the deodorant that was in the Do Something Kits.

While walking back to the truck we talked about what we had just done and just like before both Ryan and Moina were both moved and encouraged by the people we met and the way we went about trying to be of service to them.

We almost forgot to pass out the water, so as we drove away we stopped at the front side of the park and Ryan took the water to people who wanted it. We he came back we were able to give out the last kits. However one gentleman walked up and we were all out, so just like before I told him I would bring him a Do Something Kit later. I know this may have been hard for him to believe because I have been told things like, I’ll be back later or I will get you one and come back only to have the person never so their face again. This wasn’t the case today. I counted myself in the count for the guys in the house, so I knew there was a kit that I could give away. This was my kit, but I knew God would provide for me and it was important to me let this guy know I wasn’t like other people and I would keep my word.

We finished up our morning being of service to others and then Ryan and Moina took me to breakfast at the Long Beach Café. It was so amazing to look at both Ryan and Moina the entire time we were doing the outreach. From the time they arrived at the house until the time they left, they both had this glow about them and I was happy I was able to be part of it.

Our conversations over breakfast included Ryan’s upcoming trip to the Philippines and the work he will be doing there as well as my views on how I think things should be changed when it comes to addressing homelessness in this country. My experience is pretty unique. It is unlike most who work in homeless services. I am dealing with homelessness and I made the choice to try to do my best to be of service to those who want and deserve help. I know I will never be able to help everyone, but through my community work and constant fight to improve things for people battling homelessness I run across people like Ryan and Moina and they join in the quest with me to be of service to those who have far less.

As long as God is in the midst, I know he will continue to place people like Ryan and Moina in my life to help me further his cause for LOVE and PEACE for all of us, but most of all, together through the work that we create and build together we are building people for the Kingdom if God.

It was a real blessing for my life and for my soul to be able to stand in the gap for people who have less. Even though it was just for a short moment in time, we never know just how much God will bless the small moment and cause victory to prevail when man thought defeat was imminent.

Someone told me recently that there must be something about me that is so special that I can attract people who are good. This person was so right, This is what I call the favor of God. At the end of the day, I would rather have the favor of God then all the riches this world has to offer.

This was the 512 Do Something Saturday~that empowers people outreach. We passed out 40 Do Something Kits, but the clothing and food donations will reach more because they will go to other people who are in need. The very cool thing is they will be the first in my efforts to reach out to people with HIV.

I ended my day of service by keeping my word. I placed my Do Something Kit in my backpack and I headed down to Lincoln Park and I found the man that i promised I would return with a Do Something Kit for him.

“Oh my God, you really came back. God bless you. You really came back.” He said

“God bless you to sir” I extended my hand and introduced myself. “My name is Kengi”

“You have no idea how many times people say that are coming back and never do. I would rather they just tell me to go to hell then to lie to my face. God bless you.” He says

My eyes began to water because I do know what it is like to have someone tell you things like I will be back and they never show up. I know what it is like to plan things and people then not follow through with what they committed to doing and I know what it feels like to be the one to stand in front of someone and tell them. “I am sorry, but the donation for you didn’t come through.” I know what the look of shame and disappointment not only looks like, but I also know what the sting feels like.

“I know all too well what you mean my friend. I’ve been homeless now for over 18 months and while our stories may not be the same, God see’s us both as his children and he will always make a way for us.” I did my best to fight back the tears because this guy isn’t a young man. In fact he is 71 and a US VET who fought to defend this country and this is the way we thank him.

Ryan and Moina and all those who donated, I want to express my heartfelt thanks and joy for the gifts you gave in order to make someone else feel a bit more HUMAN. You didn’t have to do what any of you did, but Ryan was lead to speak about me and my quest to be of service in a time when most would say I am so broke down that I am not able to service anyone, not even myself, but then God steps in and shows us all how great his power and might truly is and allows someone like me to inspire people like Ryan and Moina who ask family and friend to help them help me help other and the end results it filled with blessings of joy and the gift of love for all involved.

Thank you very much for taking the time to donate and to donate things that are still of worth to all of you. Thanks for seeing homeless people and people with HIV, people like me as people who are deserving of help. What you did will always have a very special place in my heart and soul and it was the beginning of yet another area where God is leading me to be of service. To people living with and suffering from HIV.

I ended my day with my friend Natalie and her cousin Kelly listening to jazz at LACMA and then dinner at Calendars.

God bless you.

I bow

In a space

• Posted by Kengi on August 18, 2008 at 3:25pm

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of town like many of us think. I recall my Nana saying things like “skippy’s a damn liar” and “all that shines aint gold” or “the devil has nice things to offer as well. Don’t fall for that suckas tricks”

I’ve been having some problems with Gilbert one of the residents in the home where I am staying. He has pushed me and called me out of my name a few times. The day before and after the funeral he was very evil and nasty towards me and I asked staff to speak with him. Last night he got ugly again and this time I made it clear that I wasn’t going to tolerate his mouth or his attacks any longer.

I don’t like confrontations and I don’t like the feeling of being forced into a corner. I hate when people invade my space and I sure as hell don’t like people pushing me and touching me in a way that sends the message that they want to fight me.

I don’t like to argue or fight with anyone. I do my best to try to work things out to avoid it all cost. However since I’ve been homeless I have had to raise my hands to defend myself against people who don’t listen to reason. I’ve had to hit them once they’ve hit me or attacked me.

Gilbert is rude and is very unhappy. He makes statements that are untrue about the racial makeup of the house and has a clear problem with the Latino men in the house and also isn’t happy with two of the employees who also happen to be Latina. He has called the black employees lazy and fat, just like he has called me a fat lazy pig.

I leave the house everyday. Even if I don’t have a place to go and even if I am very tired and really should stay in bed to rest. I do not want any more problems with him, so I avoid him and the house as much as I can. This is sad because there are times when I really want to just rest and not leave the house, but his energy will not allow me to do that.

I am have my hands full and then some just dealing with all the things on my plate and I don’t want to deal with some angry old man who is just unhappy and blames the world for his HIV and all else that is wrong with him.

Things go t so bad yesterday that I had to file a complaint on him. Since I can not simply stay the night out at a friends place without permission and even if I am told “yes” I can only be out twice a quarter, this creates a problem for me. I wasn’t able to attend my HIV support group last week because it is too far and it ends at 10PM and I don’t think I would make it back to the house before the 12AM curfew.

Moreover I also have had to give up my Sunday and Tuesday night jazz, because I would not be able to make it back to beat curfew. Unless my friends attend and I am able to get a ride home, I will not be able to attend. These things are very important to me, but if I break the rules by staying out past the time I am required to be in, then I may get kicked out and find myself back on the streets.

I’ve tried to find other ways things to replace the fact that I don’t have things like the jazz and now the HIV support group, but it I am having no luck. I love jazz and the support group is at least a chance for me to listen and be heard. Furthermore when all I do is think about where I can go and how long I can stay out so I don’t have to deal with Gilbert, I find myself getting angry because I am tired and just want to rest.

I spoke to my case manager at APLA today and made her aware of what is going on, but there really isn’t much she can do. This is the sad thing. There isn’t much anyone can do. I just have to deal with it or move. While I have filed the complaint I doubt that anything will be done about it and in the mean time I will only get more frustrated and then be forced to lock up and bottle up more things inside of me. Having outlets like jazz and the HIV support group have been awesome for me.

I was spending more time at Being Alive, but I am going to cut back on that as well. Last week someone stole my extra batteries, battery charger and the card for my camera. So now I don’t feel like I want to go there anymore. I was already avoiding going there on Thursdays because of the energy in the space. Now after Saturday, I don’t think I want to return at all.

So now I don’t have my camera to help me through like I did before. This has been very hard for me and I am not in the nest of moods. I do all I can to remain positive and try to stay focused on all the good around me, but it gets hard when things are taken away or stolen from me. Homelessness already makes you feel like you’re nothing and at times HIV has made me feel like I am damaged and worse then nothing.

So what I’ve done today is pray very hard. I asked God to guide me and keep my on the right path. I am asking God to help me change the way I respond to people like Gilbert and not let them get the best of me. With or without my camera or jazz as outlets I still will not be defeated and I will not allow people like Gilbert to have such a harsh impact on me. I also refuse to allow him to treat me or talk to me like I am some little piece of shit that is under his shoe.

So if you are reading this blog posting all I ask is that you pray for me and pray for my encouragement. It seems I am under attack more then ever now and I feel this is only because God is about to bring me into my victory my enemies are very unhappy with my resolve to get through this.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I really hope all of you are doing far better then I am.

(Just a note) I am not depressed, nor do I want to hurt myself or anyone. I am getting things off me and this is all. Please do not try to give life to things that aren’t there.

Lookin 4 U

• Posted by Kengi on August 18, 2008 at 4:30pm

I’ve been down so long
I’ve been hurt for so long
There were times I thought I never see the break of day
It was hard for me
To see your plan for me
And I tried to believe so it won’t last always

See, Night after night
Night after night
Night after night
I prayed “Lord don’t take your joy from me”
Don’t take it Father
And then late one night
Late one night
I read in your love letter that it’s gonna get better

Don’t you that I’ve been looking for you
I realize nothing else will satisfy me
I so glad I found you
Now that I’m changed no one can keep me away from you

When my enemies tried to come for me
And they thought that my world was coming to an end
but, All the while you knew
That I would make it through
I feel closer to you now then when I first began

Jesus you are
Jesus you are
Jesus you are
You are my sunlight after the rain
Wherever you are
Wherever you are
I just wanna be near you
I’m so glad I can hear you

Don’t you know that
I’ve been looking for you
I realize nothing else will satisfy me
I’m so glad I’ve found you
Now that I’m changed nothing can keep me away from you

SRO Housing Corp

• Posted by Kengi on August 20, 2008 at 4:51pm

SRO Housing

Since some of you have asked about housing through SRO and I now have some information. I will blog it.

I filed yet another complaint about having my housing at the Russ Hotel terminated after I spoke with my case manager Gabriel and after speaking with Joanna, who assured me she would place the housing voucher in my box along with a meal card. I filed the first complaint about employees at the Russ Hotel two days before my housing was suddenly terminated.

The first complaint went unanswered even though I had spoken with Jonna in the executive office for SRO Housing Corp and my doctor also spoke with her. She never kept her word.

Monday I sent emails to HOPWA, Los Angeles Housing Authority, Counsel woman Jan Perry and to the Mayor’ office. I also sent a copy of the email to the CEO of SRO Housing Corp.

The very next day I get emails from all over. I even got a phone call telling me that my housing has been approved and I could move in. However, now there seems to be yet another problem. Since I’ve complained I now have to meet with someone from SRO Housing before I am allowed to move in. he also wants to speak with my case manager at APLA as well as to my doctor to settle the matter with the complaint. Since speaking with him today I have already called my case manager and my doctor has already spoken with him.

She told me they are trying to make it seem like I am not turning in paperwork on time and not keeping my scheduled appointments with their representatives. However what SRO Housing doesn’t know is that I ask for everything in writing, to avoid things like fouled up appointments by their staff. With each appointment they claim I missed I have an email with the set time and then they are either 30 minutes to one hour later then the time scheduled. They have even gotten the days mixed up. They are saying that I mixed the days and times up because I am under a lot of stress.

I am under a ton of stress, I will accept this assessment. However more then 90% of my stress is a direct result of the lousy jobs they perform and then try to pass it off as me not doing what I am required to do. This not only slows down the process of getting into a place where I can start to move forward at a much accelerated pace, but it also causes break downs in housing altogether. This stress doesn’t cause me to misread emails and misunderstand voicemails with dates and times of meetings with their staff.

Most agencies dealing with homeless people aren’t use to dealing with someone like me. they are use to people so beat down, that they will accept any action put fourth, even lies, poor time management and cold hearted cruel treatment simply because they are homeless and no one is paying attention. They aren’t use to someone like me, who wont go away and accept “ok here is some candy, now go away” approach to repairing their failing system. They aren’t sure how to deal with someone who isn’t just concerned about my treatment, but the treatment of all who seek help from them. People like me are called “difficult” or “troubled” this terms follow you from agency to agency. The County does you one better by placing comments in the computer that you will never be able to see, but sometimes people slip up and let things that you’re not suppose to know out of the box and then you fully understand why people speak and treat you a certain way.

There are games homeless people are required to play in order to get what they need and if you fail to play by the game rules set by each agency, then the run around and busy work games begin or the “I’m not taking appointments for that today” starts. Get this, each agency can make up rules and take out rules as you go along and there is nothing you can do about it.

For example, why must each agency have a “original” copy of my HIV test. Even sub-divisions of the very same agency can require an “original” copy of my HIV results. These “original” copies come with expiration dates. This means you must start all over again from step one should someone forget to do what they are paid to do. Wouldn’t it be nice to expire HIV and all the hurt, shame and pain that go along with it?

If TB test are good for a year, then why are agency allowed to say they expire in a few weeks and they must be on their forms. Meaning they will not take the doctors report with his signature, lic #, facility location and all other qualifying information. Not knowing all this can cost you weeks before you get into any housing. But it’s all part of the game that homeless people must play.

When you are sick and homeless, the rules and games get even nastier and meaner. For example, don’t think for one second that you get to tell who you want about HIV. This is not true, when you are homeless and seeking assistance. Everyone has the right to know and people accepting application and seeing you HIV diagnoses will not always be happy to be dealing you. Many more are ignorant as to what HIV is and how they can get it. Furthermore many of the workers are homophobic. Agencies require so much paper work about your HIV that before you know it, countless people have access to you PRIVATE medical records. You have no choice in this matter. You either give the information or you get no service.

So once again, housing has been slowed down, not because I haven’t done my part, but because people who are paid haven’t done their jobs and this has once again broken down and stalled my permanent housing.

SRO Housing Corp isn’t in the business of helping homeless people with or without HIV. They are in the business of making money of homeless people and people with HIV/AIDS.

HIV

• Posted by Kengi on August 22, 2008 at 2:25pm

There is so much wrong information about HIV/AIDS and it has been around since the case of the virus came to light in 1981. Many of these untruths are still around to this very day. What’s very sad is that people with HIV/AIDS are part of the misinformation about the disease.

HIV/AIDS is real and there is no government, pharmaceutical or any other conspiracy. HIV/AIDS is a real disease with real life circumstances if it goes untreated. Don’t believe for one second that you can ignore HIV/AIDS and it will go away. You also cant believe that a healthy mind will heal your body from the virus or any of other diseases for that matter. Medical care is the answer. PERIOD.

You would think that after 25 years we would be masters of information on this disease, but we aren’t. Moreover, one would think that medical care and coverage for people suffering from the virus would be very easy to come by, this again isn’t true. Medi Cal basically requires a full blown aids diagnoses before you qualify for benefits from this program. Doctors are still guessing as when a patient should start treatment even though there is a recommended level for T-cells to start treatment.

Makes me question just how much our government is committed to helping people survive this disease, right here in California our Governor is considering slashing programs and funds to programs for HIV/AIDS research and treatment. Furthermore, I really don’t understand why anyone would allow someone to become sicker before they begin to treatment for a disease they have. I understand that starting treatment too soon can make the body resistant to drugs current drugs on the market to fight the disease thus leaving the body to fight on it’s own with a badly weaken defense system. However whose to say that the disease could not progress so fast that once the person reaches the recommended T-Cells levels they never recover and die from no treating in the first place.

All you have to do is get online, go to youtube and you will find plenty of information that says HIV/AIDS is a hoax, a trick from the government and there are those who say it is an attack on the gay community and anyone who supports gay issues. Can you say sick? I bet you can, but there is something that can’t be ignored in these ignorant messages. They are very well organized and the arguments they set forth are very compelling and convincing.

There was a group in San Francisco called Act Up, many of the people who were spreading the false message that HIV/AIDS wasn’t real became members of this group and through this they spread their message of misinformation. I guess you could call it poet justice that the leaders later died from AIDS. However the seed of misinformation had already been planted and over the years has grown into a world wide movement.

I will say this again and again. HIV/AIDS is real and each of us has the task to educate ourselves about what is the truth and what isn’t. HIV/AIDS or not, we all need to be educated. Not just the gay community, not just the black community, but the world community at large. If we are going to beat this, it must be done with accurate information.

Our medical communities have to come up with some way of all being on the same page when it comes to giving information to the public about the disease. The people who are denying this disease even exists all read from the same script, they all have the same information and so called “proof” However the medical community and those involved in the fight to educate and find a cure are all reading from way too many different books and no one has the same answer. Some agencies to this day still use forms from shortly after the virus was reported. Then things like Medi-Cal has requirements for a person to be near death before they will offer medical coverage to help fight the disease.

Q: Does HIV cause AIDS?
A. Yes it does. There are over Twenty-five million around the globe. All of these deaths were people living with HIV.

Q: Only gays have HIV/AIDS.
A. This is false. HIV/AIDS is no respecter of persons, social or economic status. We all are at risk.

Q: Is HIV/AIDS made up or some conspiracy?
A: No, HIV/AIDS is real and twenty-five million deaths is all the proof anyone needs. However, Dr. Robert Schooley who is the heads Infectious Disease for UC. San Diego and is the founder of the Retroviruses Conference says there’s “no chance in the world that this virus was created………It would be great if we were that sophisticated.”

The key is real knowledge. This is our power, this is the key to fighting this disease and ending the never ending, ever increasing people and organizations that claim the disease isn’t real.

For more information on HIV/AIDS please visit

www.aidstruth.org

www.avert.org

The Move: The Band Played On

Project Inform: www.projectinform.org

The Body: www.thebody.com

Positive Aware: www.tpan.com

Your EDUCATED medical team is key and a strong belief in the power of God is always good.

Be Well, Live Well and Be Blessed

Dating and HIV

• Posted by Kengi on August 24, 2008 at 8:14pm

he pictures with this posting are pics I took while on my date)

(this isnt my picture)

Pictures with this posting are my pictures of my art work I am working on.

Once again the hope of housing has been dangled in front of me and then taken away by someone who has issues with a homeless black man questioning his and the corporation he work for handling of my housing concerns and problems I have had with his employees which now involve him.

Last night I was all set to finish up my medical appointments, then my appointments that I had at APLA then I was going to head over to the Russ Hotel to take a questionable drug screening and then I was told I would be moving into housing.

However after I question how my urine was to be collected and the fact that the people administering the test are people that I have filed complaints about and none of them are medical professional. However since I am homeless and have no advocate besides myself, I am never to question anyone like Ervin Munro nor anyone at SRO Housing Corporation, since I wasn’t raised to just accept things as the gospel, I did question the entire process and this morning Mr. Munro from SRO Housing cancelled my housing application after they dangled it in my face and for the past two months I have jumped through every hoop and hurdle they threw at me.

I did refuse to miss my medical appointments in order to play mindless power games with his staff with I gave them my medical appointment schedule far in advance and they were very much aware of when I needed to be at the doctor and when I would be in the hospital. My doctors have also been in touch with and spoke with people from SRO Housing, but again, I am homeless and according to Mr. Munro from SRO HOUSING CORPORATAION, not the CEO of SRO Housing, nor the Mayor of the City of Los Angeles are able to do anything to help me. He is the only one. This is according to him.

I was very upset for about 45 minutes. I will even admit to crying, because after 18 and half months I was so close to housing and simply because I will not be bullied, broken and forced to bow down to people like Ervin Munro and SRO Housing Corporation or their employees, I have lost housing once again.

I will not believe for one second that it was just a coincidence that my housing was terminated just days after filing a complaint against employees of SRO Housing. I also will not believe for one second that my housing at the Rivers Hotel wasn’t teminated simply because Mr. Ervin Munro is on some power trip and wants to show me who’s boss and who has the final say.

This isn’t something that happens just to me, it happens daily to thousands of homeless people in the country all over this country and homeless people have no resolve or recourse but to go away defeated and try to find housing with other agencies who have the same attitude and outlook and “backward” thinking about homeless people just like Mr. Murno.

Instead of letting this get me down any further then the time that it did, I reached out for support. After speaking with someone I then settled down and called someone who has been advising me and has taken an interest in what has been going on with me. I called someone who reads my blog and is a lawyer here in Los Angeles that deals with housing discrimination for homeless people. I already had the feeling that my housing would be terminated once I stood up for myself, getting a meeting with Mr. Murno was nothing more then a dance that he had to do to cover his ass.

I went to the beach and spent some time there and then I headed over to Being Alive, where I worked on my sculptures and paintings. I spoke with some people there and they too feel what has taken place is wrong, but they also know that nothing will be done until more people besides homeless people like myself begin to speak up and say enough is enough to corporations and people like Ervin Murno and SRO Housing who abuse and violate rights of homeless people because they feel they can.

Something very interest came up in conversation while I was speaking with Joanna who works for SRO Housing. She told me I had lied when I said I wasn’t getting assistance from anyone other then SRO. My case management is through APLA and APLA only. I only accepted other housing after I was thrown out of SRO Housing and I have every right to do so. So for her to accuse me of “double dipping” is an lie from the pit of hell.

So the housing has once again been taken off the table and will once again begin the process all over again to find permanent housing. I am not discouraged, but I am very upset and I am not feeling I can trust the word of anyone. I am now fully starting to see why so many homeless people simply give up and become the drunks and druggies that we see all over this country. How many times are homeless people just suppose to get up and move on? Sooner or later you run out of options to move on to so the bottle, pipe or needle and yes even death become what appear to be better choices.

When a homeless person is sick, there isn’t much time before the toll of homelessness begins to take away your will and your drive, because you are too tired and far too busy fighting a illness that can take you out.

Homeless people have every right to get tired, they every right to give up, they every right to feel defeated, they have every right to feel invisible, they every right to find things that keep them from hurting themselves and others and for so many homeless people these things become drugs, drinking, prostitution and jail. When you’ve tried everything on the market time and time again and it fails you time and time again, what are you to do? You have no money to move to another state and no state wants another homeless person.

So what do you do? Where do you turn? Who do you call on? Who will help you get through? For so many these questions get answered in the most destructive way and place like SRO Housing and people like Ervin Murno get to sit in big fancy offices and get fat paychecks and look down on people they claim to care so much about.

I had plans to finally be in a place where I could be alone. Where I could work through the feelings I have bottled up in me about the loss of my parents. But once again, those feelings and the need that I know I must deal with them will have to wait, because I will not break down in public for all the world to see and then be called “crazy”

How am I feeling right now? I am feeling worthless and invisible. I am feeling that I don’t matter, but those feeling will pass, because the God in me will not allow them to overtake me. The God I serve will lift up a standard against the feelings and cause me to rise again and continue down the path and not be distracted, tripped up, and entangled by the web of homelessness and the people who weave it.

What will I do right now? I won’t be putting myself in time out that’s for sure and what has taken place today will not cause me to become so upset that I sit here and do not continue to move forward. What will I do? I will stand on the and be sure that what God has for me, no one can take away. For every door that places like SRO Housing Closes, God will always open another.

If you are reading this blog, please pray, but not just for me, for all the families, women, men and children who are homeless and are suffering at the hands of places like SRO Housing. Pray for their strength, pray for their health. Pray for change in system that is designed to fail the people it serves. Pray that homeless people who had to face and deal with people like Ervin and SRO Housing don’t do things to harm themselves or others. Pray for all the people suffering already from HIV/AIDS don’t become so disenfranchised and discouraged anymore then they already are with failing health only to worry about the loss of housing.

Please remember that this is so much bigger then me and what I am going through. People from all walks of live are suffering from homelessness and the old way of doing things and the old guard is not and hasn’t ever worked.

After you get up off your knees ask yourself this. Is there something I can do, someone I can call, someone I can reach out to send a clear message to people and corporation who profit from the suffering of homeless people? If you find that the answer is yes, then do it and keep doing it over and over and over again.

I spent my Saturday with someone I sort of like and they sort of like me. Well I guess you could really say we like each other, but I don’t know how far this will go because having HIV and dating is something I have never had to do before.

I’ve been in two relationships in my life. One 4 year and one 11 year and I am still very good friends with both guys. I think they both worked out so well because before anything else we were friends and that was what mattered most to us and what we always tried to protect.

Dating can be very silly and full of mindless games and this isn’t something I have had to deal with before. I never had to worry about looking or acting a certain way, I was just me. I never had to worry about what to say and anything like this. But like me the guys that I had relationships with were removed from the gay community and to this day still are. Like me, they are very proud to be gay and not ashamed of who they are or the fact that they are gay. We just don’t like the games, clicks and nelleyness of the gay community and we certainly don’t like the way the gay community is no different then the straight community

I met this guy while I was out with two of the guys from the house where I now stay in Long Beach. This guy was sitting at the table across from us and later we ended up talking. I wasn’t sure right away, but soon after we started talking it was clear that he liked me and I thought he was cool as well.

After talking for a bit he asked for a kiss and I gave him one and then another and another. We laughed and continued talking and he asked me to go home with him. It was at this point that I needed to let him know that I wasn’t that “let’s fuck” type of guy and he was cool with that.

When I got into the cab with the guys I came with I was started asking questions about HIV and when I should tell this guy that I am HIV positive and man the answers I got really blew me away. These guys have been way sicker then I ever hope to become and they do way more then I have ever or will ever do. They both still do not practice safe sex and they both still sleep around. So I guess it was rather stupid on my part to even ask them for advice on when to tell someone I am HIV positive.

“Ok guys I have a really serous question. All joking aside ok?”

They both said ok and I then asked this question.

“When do I tell this guy I am HIV positive? I mean I feel guilty already that I’ve kissed him and didn’t tell him. So when would you guys suggest I tell him?”

“He’s already HIV positive. I am sure he knows you are too, so don’t tell him unless he asks.” Was the first reply and I was floored.

“Well, if he doesn’t ask, then don’t tell him at all. I mean you want to get laid don’t you?” was the next reply.

I was silent for a second and then I sort of got mad.

“Wait just a minute guys, I mean it’s no secret to me that you guys go out to get fucked and suck dick or whatever it is that you do when you go out, you’ve both have told me some pretty sick stories. But are you telling me that you guys don’t tell the men you are with that you are positive?”

“Well Daddy knows I am positive and he is too. We play with other guys and we don’t use protection and we just assume the other guys are positive just like us. Since they don’t ask we don’t tell them. It’s just like the military. Don’t ask don’t tell.”

“I really don’t want to ruin the moment by bringing something up like this right when I am about to get it on. I mean I want to have a good time and talking about HIV is a hard on dropper if you know what I mean.”

“WOW, I can’t believe I am getting this reply from you guys. I mean both of you have told me how much HIV nearly took you out and how fucked up you were over not being told that the guy who infected you was HIV positive. You’re (pointing to the guy next to me) a different story altogether, you knew the guy had aids but you still played with him without protection, but you got upset with him when you got HIV. That’s just crazy to me.” I said.

“Kengi, you asked us and we are telling you how we handle it……”

“You mean how you don’t handle it.” I interrupted him. “You know what?, just forget I even asked you guys.” I said and looked out the window.

They started talking to each other about the many guys they made out with and one of them started talking about the sex he had in the bathroom with one guy. I just sat there in silence looking at the window and I thanked God that my life as a gay man has never been anything like what I have seen and heard from men in the gay community.

I am not saying that I am a saint in anyway. I am one horny fucker, but I am never horny enough to cause harm to anyone or to just go out and have sex with any Tom’s dick that’s hairy. That just aint me. Never has been, never will be.

I asked a few other guys in the house and the answer was pretty much the same. Don’t tell anyone I am HIV positive. One guy even told me that at the picnic sponsored by CARE gave out information that more the 80% of the gay men in Long Beach are HIV positive. I don’t know that what he says is true and if it is how did CARE get this information? Did they do a study of 100% of the men in Long Beach?

I asked some guys online and again the answer was mind blowing. Not one person that is HIV positive told me that I should tell this guy at all. What blew me away was that some of the men online said they were HIV negative and they didn’t want to know if the person they were sleeping with……excuse fucking for the night was HIV positive or not.

Two days went by and the guy I had meet talked on the phone and made plans to hang out. He wanted to have dinner and chill at his place and I said that was cool. However after I hung the phone up I had this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The same feeling I get when I don’t feel right about something. I picked up my cell phone and I called him back.

“Hey, it’s me” I said

“I know who you are. You just can’t resist calling me can you?”

“Oh yeah, that’s totally it. I just can’t get enough of that phone voice you have.” I laugh.

“So did you change your mind about coffee tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I did. You wanna meet a Portfolio in 30 minutes.”

“Sure”

“Great I will see you soon.” I hung up

I took a fast shower, got dressed and headed over the coffee house. I was there first so I order some hot tea and got a table outside. When he arrived he got some hot tea and a slice of pie and we began talking about all sorts of things and I was starting to think that I could really develop a liking for this guy. After about 30 minutes or so I told him I was HIV positive and that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had no idea how he would take it. I was so worried that he would get up and walk, but he didn’t. He was however quiet for a minute and just looked at me.

“I need to tell you something. And there really is no easy way to say it or right time to bring it up, but I think I want to get this off me and out into the open right now. I am HIV positive. I have been positive five months now.”

After what seemed like forever he says “That must have bee very hard for you to tell me that.” There was another long pause and then he said “and if you’re trying to scare me away, then you have to try harder then that.” He then smiles and asks if I needed more hot water. He took my pot before I could answer and his and went inside and came back in a few minutes.

“How did you know about this coffee house?” he said as he sat down.

“I’ve been here before. When I first moved back from New York I lived here in Long Beach for a short time and I loved coming here.”

“Kengi, I want to tell you that I am so happy for lack of a better word, that you’ve told me this right up front. That says a lot about the kind of person you are. When I first saw you the other night I thought you had this cool smile and then when we started talking there was something about you that I just liked and the more we talk and I get to know more about you, the more I like you. Tonight you caused me to do something I don’t do for people I first meet. I now have a great amount of respect for you for having the balls to tell me that you are HIV positive. Thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome. I guess.” I smiled and we both started laughing.

“You’re cool with me being positive?” I ask

“I am. I’ve dated other guys who are HIV positive with no problem.”

“Are you positive or negative?”

“I am negative and I try to play safe all the time. There have been times when I wasn’t safe, but I was in a relationship that ended because he was cheating the entire time. He was unsafe with others all the time.”

“When was the last time you were tested?”

“Last month and it was negative.”

We talked for a bit more and then we both headed home. I walked with him home and said goodbye and walked the rest of the way back to where I am staying. This was a long walk because I has so many thoughts in my head, but the one I had before going to meet him was no longer there and I was very happy and proud of myself for telling him that I am HIV positive.

We went out on Saturday to San Pedro the Friendship Bell and to the Fort MacArthur Military Base and Museum. We both had a great time. We ended our day with a cool picnic and then a nap back at his place. I then gave him a kiss and went back to where I am staying, again feeling pretty good.

I am not sure where this is going or how many more times I will have to deal with telling a guy that I am HIV positive. One thing is for sure. I refuse to be like so many gay men who do not tell. I refuse to play games like this to do so is very destructive unattractive, uncool and disrespectful not only to the other person involved but to yourself.

The Drama of living with gay men

• Posted by Kengi on August 27, 2008 at 3:30pm

It’s been almost 19 months that I’ve been homeless. Before you jump to any conclusions let me just tell you that it has nothing to do with drugs, drinking, criminal activity, mental illness or anything that most people that of when they think of or speak about homelessness.

Medical situations and taking care of my Pops prior to his passing took all that I had and this is how I became homeless. For 19 months it has been a complete battle to get my life back on track. However during this very difficult and trying time in my life, I’ve tried to do my best to help as many homeless people as I possibly can, by using my education and God given talents to speak up and speak out against people agencies and organizations that think it is ok to abuse and mistreat homeless people and refuse them of their legal rights. In doing so, this is made me an easy target and has made getting help for myself that much harder.

This isn’t the reason the reason I am blogging this evening (Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 6:30PM) I just wanted to get that out of the way so people wont send me any “why are you homeless” questions from this posting. LOL.

I’ve been gay my entire life. I’ve also known I was gay and I have never had a single issue with it. I love who I am and I love the life that God has blessed me with. Even in the midst of all that I am dealing with, I do have a blessed life.

About three weeks ago I was able to get into housing through a program called Project New Hope. On paper and on the web it is a great program. My stay in the house for the most part has been pretty good. It is a far cry from sleeping on the streets or riding trains and busses all night long. Moreover it is far better then Skid Row.

Project New Hope has several locations that provide housing to homeless people and people who are in need of medical care living with HIV/AIDS. The program offers many different types of housing options from group living, transitional living, shelter plus care and apartments. They have programs to help you with filing for your SSI and other benefits as well.

I live in what’s called shelter plus care. It’s in a 5 bedroom home in Long Beach California. I live with 10 other men all of them are gay. Some of the men are very clear about their sexuality while others still say they aren’t gay at all. All 10 of the guys in the house have been very sick at one time or another and there are those who still have the some major health issues they are working through. All of them have either a drinking, drug or addiction.

The fact the more then 95% of the house are what many in the gay community would refer to as a “queen” and more the 95% of the house refers to each other and themselves as “girls” and “bitches” has made my living situation very interesting to say the very least.
Some of the guys in the house don’t take their meds. When the nurse asks if they want them, they will take them, but then throw them away once they have them in their hands. Guys are still using and drinking and all of the guys I have had conversations with are still having unprotected sex with partners they don’t know and they don’t tell the person they are screwing that they are HIV positive.

One guy in my room video tapes his sexual escapades each and every day. He has had three strokes and still doesn’t feel that he needs to adjust his behavior. He is a very heavy drinking and I believe that he also uses drugs.

For someone like me this is very shocking. I didn’t get HIV from sleeping around or being careless. Someone lied to me about their status and even though we were both using condoms, he failed to tell me when his broke.

I have never been around gay men like this ever before. Sure I have known some and have seen some, but I’ve never had to live with and deal with gay men like this ever in my life. It disgusts me how they act and how they treat each other. It makes my skin crawl and blood boil when I hear them talk about the unprotected sex they are having. They don’t even care that they may be giving someone else this disease.

One of the guys in the house say he doesn’t believe the disease is real and he feels if guys want to fuck him with no condom then they must have HIV too and there is no need for him to say anything. Another guys was bragging about all the guys he has sex with and how he lies when he is asked if he is HIV positive.

“I don’t know I got it and they won’t either. This is the price you pay when you are gay.” He told another guy and they both just laughed.

The house is very catty. I don’t think I have ever sat down to a meal or even sat outside and not heard each guy talk about someone else in the house, then turn right around and smile in the persons face when they arrive and proceed to talk about the person they were just talking with.

Today once I got back to the house I was about to walk to the back deck and this is what I hear.

“Kengi thinks he is so fucken smart. He acts like he is better then us. I am glad when faggots like him get HIV because it shows them they are no better then any of us.” One guy says and the four guys out on the table start to laugh.

“Me too!!! People like him make me sick. I hope he gets sicker.” Another chimes in.

“Did you hear him talking to staff about the community work he does? Who cares. He just needs some sex.”

“Girl don’t know one want his fat ass.” They all laugh more.
“See that’s is where you are wrong. We went out the other night and he had a bunch of hot guys talking to him.”

“I know that’s what I heard. I don’t know why anyone would want to talk to him.”

“This one guy wanted to take him home, but he was acting like he wasn’t into the guy, but I know if we weren’t there he would have been at that guys house.”

“He’s tired” they all laugh

While they are all laughing I walk out the back door onto the back deck.

“Hey guys. What’s good?”

They all turn to me and smile jut like they weren’t just having the conversation about me. They all said hello back and acted like they liked me. Asked how my day was and one went so far to even ask how I am doing with my Mother’s death. It took everything in me not to knock that punk right in the mouth.

“So what are you guys talking about? Or should I ask who are you talking about?”

“Oh just Pinto and how nasty she is.” One says and then they all agree. I say nothing and sit for a minute and then go back inside. Laughter breaks out not one second after I close the back door. I hadn’t even taken two steps and they were back to slamming me.

I leave the house very early in the morning and I don’t return most nights until very late. I tried to make nice with the natives since I do have to live here I would like for it to be pleasant, but I know that living here with these sort of gay men this just isn’t possible.

As I walked back to my room that I share with two of the guys sitting on the back deck, who take turns digging each other when the one isn’t around, I thought to myself that the times that I had to spend on the street and sleep in the most odd places were better then here. No it wasn’t comfortable, but I am not comfortable here either. I had to fist fight, but I close to knocking the shit out of someone here, so there really isn’t that much of a difference. I do have a place to get mail and store my few clothes that I now have, but my back pack goes with me each and ever day, even if I am just walking to take some pictures.

I thought to myself that I have done nothing to any of these guys for them to speak of me in such a harsh way. They don’t know, so how can they say how I would act if they weren’t around?

This is just one more reason why I have never had the desire to be involved in the gay community and one more reason why sometimes I understand why people view gays the way they do. But most of all, it is one more reason why I refuse to get comfortable here and I still consider myself to be homeless. It’s just one more reason why I will continue to try my hardest to correct things in my life and get a place of my own. It’s one more reason that I love who I am, what I believe in and who and what I will allow in my life. It’s one more reason to keep pressing forward because I know this is just a place for a short while, even though I was told I can stay as long as I need to. I have given myself a deadline to be out of here and on to the next step above.

These 18 and half months have been very hard for me, but I wouldn’t trade anything for my journey now. This is and has prepared me and made me a much stronger, more caring, more compassionate and understanding person. It’s has showed me that my parents have raised a great man and it has shown me that with GOD and LOVE all things are possible.

I’ve always been a fighter, ever since I was a kid I’ve had some battle to fight. Sickle Cell, being called half breed, fighting to gain weight so I can play football, my first battle with cancer when I was 21. Homelessness, cancer for the 5th time, Pops passing way before I was ready, HIV and the Ma passing recently. I haven’t been broken yet and I refuse to allow some silly, mindless angry at the world punk ass queens and their words and attempts to bring me down break me either.

I just see so much hate in the gay community and I really don’t like what I see.

Permanent Housing offer taken off the table

• Posted by Kengi on August 29, 2008 at 5:30pm

(this isnt my picture)

Pictures with this posting are my pictures of my art work I am working on.

Once again the hope of housing has been dangled in front of me and then taken away by someone who has issues with a homeless black man questioning his and the corporation he work for handling of my housing concerns and problems I have had with his employees which now involve him.

Last night I was all set to finish up my medical appointments, then my appointments that I had at APLA then I was going to head over to the Russ Hotel to take a questionable drug screening and then I was told I would be moving into housing.

However after I question how my urine was to be collected and the fact that the people administering the test are people that I have filed complaints about and none of them are medical professional. However since I am homeless and have no advocate besides myself, I am never to question anyone like Ervin Munro nor anyone at SRO Housing Corporation, since I wasn’t raised to just accept things as the gospel, I did question the entire process and this morning Mr. Munro from SRO Housing cancelled my housing application after they dangled it in my face and for the past two months I have jumped through every hoop and hurdle they threw at me.

I did refuse to miss my medical appointments in order to play mindless power games with his staff with I gave them my medical appointment schedule far in advance and they were very much aware of when I needed to be at the doctor and when I would be in the hospital. My doctors have also been in touch with and spoke with people from SRO Housing, but again, I am homeless and according to Mr. Munro from SRO HOUSING CORPORATAION, not the CEO of SRO Housing, nor the Mayor of the City of Los Angeles are able to do anything to help me. He is the only one. This is according to him.

I was very upset for about 45 minutes. I will even admit to crying, because after 18 and half months I was so close to housing and simply because I will not be bullied, broken and forced to bow down to people like Ervin Munro and SRO Housing Corporation or their employees, I have lost housing once again.

I will not believe for one second that it was just a coincidence that my housing was terminated just days after filing a complaint against employees of SRO Housing. I also will not believe for one second that my housing at the Rivers Hotel wasn’t teminated simply because Mr. Ervin Munro is on some power trip and wants to show me who’s boss and who has the final say.

This isn’t something that happens just to me, it happens daily to thousands of homeless people in the country all over this country and homeless people have no resolve or recourse but to go away defeated and try to find housing with other agencies who have the same attitude and outlook and “backward” thinking about homeless people just like Mr. Murno.

Instead of letting this get me down any further then the time that it did, I reached out for support. After speaking with someone I then settled down and called someone who has been advising me and has taken an interest in what has been going on with me. I called someone who reads my blog and is a lawyer here in Los Angeles that deals with housing discrimination for homeless people. I already had the feeling that my housing would be terminated once I stood up for myself, getting a meeting with Mr. Murno was nothing more then a dance that he had to do to cover his ass.

I went to the beach and spent some time there and then I headed over to Being Alive, where I worked on my sculptures and paintings. I spoke with some people there and they too feel what has taken place is wrong, but they also know that nothing will be done until more people besides homeless people like myself begin to speak up and say enough is enough to corporations and people like Ervin Murno and SRO Housing who abuse and violate rights of homeless people because they feel they can.

Something very interest came up in conversation while I was speaking with Joanna who works for SRO Housing. She told me I had lied when I said I wasn’t getting assistance from anyone other then SRO. My case management is through APLA and APLA only. I only accepted other housing after I was thrown out of SRO Housing and I have every right to do so. So for her to accuse me of “double dipping” is an lie from the pit of hell.

So the housing has once again been taken off the table and will once again begin the process all over again to find permanent housing. I am not discouraged, but I am very upset and I am not feeling I can trust the word of anyone. I am now fully starting to see why so many homeless people simply give up and become the drunks and druggies that we see all over this country. How many times are homeless people just suppose to get up and move on? Sooner or later you run out of options to move on to so the bottle, pipe or needle and yes even death become what appear to be better choices.

When a homeless person is sick, there isn’t much time before the toll of homelessness begins to take away your will and your drive, because you are too tired and far too busy fighting a illness that can take you out.

Homeless people have every right to get tired, they every right to give up, they every right to feel defeated, they have every right to feel invisible, they every right to find things that keep them from hurting themselves and others and for so many homeless people these things become drugs, drinking, prostitution and jail. When you’ve tried everything on the market time and time again and it fails you time and time again, what are you to do? You have no money to move to another state and no state wants another homeless person.

So what do you do? Where do you turn? Who do you call on? Who will help you get through? For so many these questions get answered in the most destructive way and place like SRO Housing and people like Ervin Murno get to sit in big fancy offices and get fat paychecks and look down on people they claim to care so much about.

I had plans to finally be in a place where I could be alone. Where I could work through the feelings I have bottled up in me about the loss of my parents. But once again, those feelings and the need that I know I must deal with them will have to wait, because I will not break down in public for all the world to see and then be called “crazy”

How am I feeling right now? I am feeling worthless and invisible. I am feeling that I don’t matter, but those feeling will pass, because the God in me will not allow them to overtake me. The God I serve will lift up a standard against the feelings and cause me to rise again and continue down the path and not be distracted, tripped up, and entangled by the web of homelessness and the people who weave it.

What will I do right now? I won’t be putting myself in time out that’s for sure and what has taken place today will not cause me to become so upset that I sit here and do not continue to move forward. What will I do? I will stand on the and be sure that what God has for me, no one can take away. For every door that places like SRO Housing Closes, God will always open another.

If you are reading this blog, please pray, but not just for me, for all the families, women, men and children who are homeless and are suffering at the hands of places like SRO Housing. Pray for their strength, pray for their health. Pray for change in system that is designed to fail the people it serves. Pray that homeless people who had to face and deal with people like Ervin and SRO Housing don’t do things to harm themselves or others. Pray for all the people suffering already from HIV/AIDS don’t become so disenfranchised and discouraged anymore then they already are with failing health only to worry about the loss of housing.

Please remember that this is so much bigger then me and what I am going through. People from all walks of live are suffering from homelessness and the old way of doing things and the old guard is not and hasn’t ever worked.

After you get up off your knees ask yourself this. Is there something I can do, someone I can call, someone I can reach out to send a clear message to people and corporation who profit from the suffering of homeless people? If you find that the answer is yes, then do it and keep doing it over and over and over again.