Blogs from 2008 (July 18-31)

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

How to increase homelessness

• Posted by Kengi on July 18, 2008 at 12:16pm

After taking sometime to myself and having the chance to clear my head and think things through I’ve come up with some better, more feasible plan that will better serve me in the end. After all, this is my life and I should have some say in how it is going to play out. I shouldn’t be forced to let people who don’t know a thing about me or my life, my goals or plans, nor do they care about any of this, plan and take control of things in MY LIFE.

Someone sent me a message on my youtube channel telling me I should be thankful for having a roof over my head. Well I am not, nor will I ever be thankful for things that don’t serve me best. I will never be thankful for anything that only makes things tat much worse for me. This includes housing on skid Row. No one should be thankful for Skid Row. Until people begin to stand up for themselves in a manner that forces the powers that be to recognize that the current way of helping homeless people isn’t working there will always be people like the person who made comments on my youtube channel.

So here is my plan. Now this plan is based on the powers that be not getting “offended” and then telling me I am not able to do what I am planning. The current place I am housed in is on Skid Row. It is considered “emergency housing” With my HOPWA move in grant I could look for my own housing. Or I could even wait for my section 8 to come through and then use the move in grant.

I am currently being told that I have to take the HOPWA move in grant and use it to continue to live on Skid Row. However, I found out that I can use the grant for ANY move in anywhere I so desire. This means I can pick what best suits me and works best for my situation. Not something that simply generates an income for Skid Row Housing which will only continue the cycle of homelessness.

For most people here on Skid Row they’ve given up on life and on themselves, so Skid Row is fine for them. Then there are people like me, and there are plenty of people like me, who grew up knowing that we can always live the “American Dream” even when we have had circumstances come up in our life that have taken us far from the path we once were on. Places like Mission and Shelters and agencies that are in place fail to help many people like me get back on the path. Their interest becomes people who addiction problems. This is because people who have addition problems need to be in a “program” and “programs” take time and time equals money. So people who need a helping hand for what should be a few months end up stuck in system for years until they eventually give up and then they too need a “program”

I will begin looking for my own housing, off of skid row and I will house my HOPWA Grant to help me with the move in. If section 8 becomes available to me before I can find a place, then I will take the section 8 and I will use my HOPWA Grant to move into a section 8 apartment. However, unlike the suggestion and advice that Scott Rowland from Aids Service Center (ASC) gave to me

“Dude take Skid Row, it’s great and the housing is great. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. You might be here for two weeks and then some lace else for two days. But you have to work with us and allow us to help you until we find you a place that will last the longest and you are able to get back on your feet.”

Moving from place to place isn’t stability and isn’t conductive for someone who is homeless. This means you never have a home base. You never have a place to make a clean start. You can’t look for work because you don’t know where you will be placed the next day or next week. The current system in place only serves to set people up for failure and then cause them to be dependant on a system that is clearly broken and the people running it have no clue as to what it is they’re doing, nor do they care.

For example, Luis from Aids Project Los Angeles (APLA) didn’t even know what forms I needed for the HOPWA move-in-grant. He asked me what forms I needed. And when I didn’t know he called Gabriel from the HOPWA program and he dint know what forms I needed. So I was given all the forms, because neither of them knew which form was the correct form. Luis is a “housing case manager” and Gabriel is also a “housing case manager” for SRO Housing (Skid Row Housing) How can they not know? They are supposed to know things like this, it’s their job for Christ sake.

Today my housing expires here at the Russ Hotel. Gabriel the “housing case manager” knew there was no way I would be moved into permanent housing in a weeks time. Hell he can’t even tell me how long the process takes, but he only allowed me one week here at this hotel where his office is located. So this morning, instead of going to the doctor, I will sit in the lobby starting at 8:00AM and wait for someone to extend my housing here at the Russ Hotel. I am sure they will ask me when I plan to leave or if I have been doing everything I can to get into permanent housing. My answer will be “yes” and they will then ask for proof and I will have to go back to the lobby to wait for someone else so I can get proof and then I will have to go back to that person who wont see me until the end of the day and in the mean time I will not get to my doctor’s appointment.

7:57AM To be continued —-

It’s now 11:10AM and things went a little different then what I thought. Don’t go getting out your party hats or anything like that because there will be no celebration. It waited for Gabriel or Joanna (I think this is her name) until 9:10AM. Neither of them were at work. I did however see Ernest and I asked if I could schedule an appointment to see the apartment at the Rivers Hotel. He said he couldn’t schedule an appointment until he hears from Gabriel. Ernest is the dork who is insulted that I know more then him and since I do, he feels he now needs to show me who is the boss, but one not providing me with his card and two refusing to move the process toward permanent housing along because his little ego has been bruised by a homeless man who knows more then him.

Even though my housing expires today at the Russ Hotel, I will not miss doctors appointments any longer. My health will no longer allow me to have the luxury of ignoring it. Place like Skid Row Housing and others will now have to take a back seat to me looking after my health and not standing in line for services I will never receive and a breakfast that will only serve me by sending me to the bathroom. As I stated before, my plan will only work, if I get others to help me put it into place. I can’t do it alone.

I left the Russ Hotel and headed toward Aids Project Los Angeles (APLA) to meet with Tiana who is my case manager there. I will start by saying she is someone who knows her job and she actually goes to work on Friday. Imagine that!!! A case worker from a PUBLIC SERVICE AGENCY that shows up to work on Friday. This may sound funny to most, but it has been my experience that most places and 99.9% of the people employed by such places don’t do any work on Friday.

“It’s Friday and I have a party to get ready for tonight. They have been on the street this long, so one more night won’t kill them. I don’t know why they act like they need to get everything done now.” Is what I heard a social worker from OPCC say once to another case manager as they both laughed while walking to lunch at 10:45AM.

Maybe they’re in a hurry because your lazy ass hasn’t done shit for them all week and now the weekend is here and they at least want a place to sleep for the week, so they can come see your lazy ass on Monday for you to tell them to come back on Wednesday, when you know you wont be in the office because you had to get your nappy weave done. Oops I mean there was a death in your family.

Once in Tiana’s area I was able to explain to her what was going on. I placed a phone call to Gabriel right in front of her and she too called Gabriel. Gabriel also spoke with my doctor and told her he would “extend” the hotel voucher and for me “not to worry” The call from me and Tiana went unreturned.

Tiana looked into some other options as far as housing is concerned. Some are further out then I would like to be, but I really don’t have a choice. However, I wont get an interview with any of the places she contacted until “possibly Wednesday” is what she was told. In the mean time I will most likely be on the streets until then.

Right now I am sitting in reception area of my doctor and I am sure she will ask what took place with my housing and she will once again call Gabriel and he will once again not return the call.

“How to increase homelessness” is a book by Joel John Roberts the CEO of PATH Partners. It is a great book, but the book fails to point out that places like PATH are a HUGE part of the very reason why people remain homeless for so long.

Death feels like the answer

• Posted by Kengi on July 18, 2008 at 5:30pm

It’s days like today where I feel like death is the only answer. Where I feel like all my efforts and all my hard work aren’t worth a damn, because it’s going to take more then just me to get me into housing and to bring about real change for people who suffer from a system that is beyond broken.

Today after getting so pissed off with talking to people and then not getting a call back with regards to where I am will sleep this weekend and the only thing I got from APLA was “possibly Wednesday” for an interview for housing. “Possibly” doesn’t cut it and people need to know that for some people housing can be a matter of life or death and this is what it starting to become for me.

I am so sick of being told to “hang on” and even sicker of all the emails I get telling me how Jesus loves me. I ALREADY KNOW THIS. PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE I HAVE FORGOTTEN IT. I HAVENT!!!!!

I know this may sound mean and like I am not appreciative of things, but I don’t need to be reminded of Christ or the cross, or the blood or the crown of thorns. I KNOW ALL OF IT and I have KNOWN it for sometime. It IS what gets me through this. PLEASE STOP sending me messages about things I ALREADY KNOW. It’s just as bad as agencies asking me I have already tried “PATH” and “The Salvation Army” It isn’t helpful, it

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 10:15PM

I left the Beverly Hills Library at 8:55PM. It was a short walk over to Santa Monica Boulevard where I took the Metro 16 to Downtown LA, 6th and Main. I don’t think I’ve ever taken this bus in the day time. This is only my second time taking it at night. I really glad I got on the bus tonight.

Two stops after I got on the bus, the older black lady got on. Right away I knew she was homeless. Not because of what she was wearing or how she looked or smelled, all that was fine. I could tell from the look in her eyes.

She sat on the seat in front of me. This seat faces sideways, so I was able to get a be look at her. Looking at her I would have guessed her to be in maybe her 50’s or 60’. I was very wrong. She was 82 years old and has been homeless for 5 years now.

When she sat down, she opened the back bag she had with her. She very carefully looked through the bottom of the bag until she found what she was looking for. When her hand came out, she had a sandwich in it and as she zipped the bag closed she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.

“You doing alright this evening son?” she asked in a very low voice.

“Yes Ma’am. Are you doing alright?”

“Well baby I am here, so I guess that will have to do. God saw ft to give me another day and I will rejoice and be glad in it.” She replied.

“I agree one hundred percent.”

“I am so hungry. I had to break down and send my last little bit of change to get this here on piece of sandwich. I just couldn’t go another minute without eating something.” She told me as she held the sandwich in her hand and began to carefully unwrap it.

“It looks like a great sandwich too. That should fill you up quit nice.”

“It isn’t much. I wanted a fresh one, but food stamps don’t allow me to buy fresh food. So I have to settle for this. I am thankful for it though.”

She started to eat her sandwich and then she began to talk to me. She just opened up to me like I was someone she had known her entire life. This is how I found out how old she was and it’s how I found out for sure that she was homeless. She keeps what’s left of her things near the Civic Center Metro Station. She says they are safe there with other homeless ladies who look after each other.

She spoke of the place where she sleeps just like it was an apartment and a house. I know where she sleeps is outside, but that is all she has right now and I wasn’t going to correct her and say something as silly as “do you sleep outside”

She told me a little about her life and how she came to live here in California. She talked about her husband who died almost 7 years ago and how she spent off the money they had saved trying to take care of herself and pay the large amount medical bills from caring from him and then the huge amount it took to give him a decent funeral.

My body and heart was shaking as she told me the story of how she had to take care of the only man she ever loved and then stand by helplessly and watch him die, day by day. She spoke of the pain her heart still feels to this day just talking about it and thinking about.

“I’ve forgotten what he sounds like. What he feels like and since I no longer have any pictures I am starting to forget what he looks like.” She said as she began to stop the tears from exiting her eyes. That was too for. My face was already covered in tears.

While she was telling me how hard it was for her to see her husband die, I thought of my Pops and how I could only watch my Daddy die. How no matter what I did I want able to be of much comfort to him. I cried because I know what it is like to take care of someone and then find yourself on the street, sick yourself and no one to turn to.

I asked a question I know the answer to but I wanted to here it from here. “why don’t you go to a shelter or one of the missions to get housing?”

“Those places aren’t safe. I am safer in an alley, then in them places. Besides, those people don’t give a damn about me. They just want their papers signed so they can collect some money for doing nothing.”

Like many other homeless people I have come into contact with who are over the age of 50, she tells me it is too late for her. She said she wouldn’t take a place now if they offered it to her, because she doesn’t want to get use to something that willonly be taken away from her because she forgot to cross a t on the application or someone wakes “with a bugger up their ass”

We talked for a while and right before we got to her stop she reached into her bag and pulled out three bags of chips. “Pick the one you like baby.”

“Oh no Ma’am, I cant take your food.” I said

“You aint taken nothing. I’m giving it to you, now pick the one you want.” She said this very firmly.

I took the Lays BBQ and told her thank you.

She began to softly sing a song that I am very familiar with. “Let us bow round the alter.” While she got her things ready to get off the bus. I tried to help her to the door, but she wouldn’t have it. I was told to sit down. She said good night, thanked the driver and got off the bus.

“Be safe Mary and I will see you tomorrow night.” The bus driver said

The song she was singing

Let us bow round the altar
On our knees
Let us bow round the altar
On our knees
When I fall on my knees
With my face to the raising sun
Oh, Oh Lord have mercy

On me’s insulting.

I appreciate all of you here on my network that have sent me messages of support, love and kind words. But please stop sending me things I already know. I don’t need to be reminded if God’s love for me. I KNOW IT ALL TOO WELL, in fact I would go so far as to say I know it better then most. It’s through grace and mercy that I am even still here and it’s by his divine favor that I am able to stand with my head held high.

I am tired and I will spend another weekend on the streets and it’s only GOD who will get me through it and I know this. I am feeling like death is the escape route, but I know this isn’t the plan, nor the path that God has for my life and I wont be taking it. All I am saying is the thought has crossed my mind.

Homelessness has a way of beating you down. Breaking your spirit and destroying any will you have inside of yourself. And agencies in currently in place to help homeless people only serve to further break you down and destroy your self worth and dignity. Then they try to pretend to rebuild it through Christ or some moldy sandwich and spoiled juice.

HIV services for the poor are very much the same way. HIV is already bad enough for someone who has money and health insurance. For someone like me who has NOTHING HIV feels very much like death. Most information I have received from the medical community and the gay and lesbian community has been WRONG. DEAD WRONG. I’ve had to reply of friends from way across the globe on some small island to provide me with what they know about HIV. I’ve had to rely on the internet to get information and then I must be strong enough and educated enough to determine what is good and bad information. For me HIV has been vey much a guessing game, just like it is for the people who are supposed to know the most about. APLA, The Gay and Lesbian Center, Aids Service Center and other places like Harbor UCLA and the Venice Family Clinic. Everyone is simply guessing. Furthermore nobody is reading from the same script. It seems like everyone just makes shit up as they go along.

Just the other night I heard someone make a very FALSE statement about Sickle Cell and I had to turn to look at her and I though to myself. “wow she just gave a room full of people information that is wrong and she did so with a straight face and said it like she was some authority on the subject. This woman works for APLA.

When I get some much bad information and so many people just guessing. I cant help but feel that death is the only way out.

When I spoke with the Mayor’s office today, they couldn’t even tell me what the Mayors plan or position was on homelessness. But I bet if I asked an immigration question his office would be filled with answers. His office was quick to point out that City and County offices oversee different things and none of these things are planned out, thought out or done in conjunction with either office.

I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO HURT MYSELF, SO DONT SEND ME MESSAGES ASKING ME NOT TO. I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO!!!!!

Life Passing By

• Posted by Kengi on July 19, 2008 at 11:31am

I cried much harder when I walked away and I thought to myself how someone allows their mother, their grandmother, their sister, the friend or wife live like this. I thought how sick our society is that we’ve become so bogged down with driving fancy cars, and going on fancy trips that people like Ann aren’t important enough for us to care about.

(Check out the entire entry with pics in the “Life on the Streets” group)

I remember Bullocks Wilshire

• Posted by Kengi on July 19, 2008 at 11:07pm

It’s been closed now for nearly 15 years, yet Bullocks Wilshire is still fondly remembered by Angelenos as Los Angeles’ showcase department store. I was a small boy shopping with my Ma what I remember as the most impressive building I had ever set foot in.

Today I went to take some pictures of the building that holds so many amazing childhood memories from shopping with my Ma and Pops in what was once the crown jewel of department stores.

Bullocks Wilshire — the first department store in L.A. built for the automotive revolution — catered to Hollywood’s Golden Age of stars. When it was built in 1929, Bullocks Wilshire was surrounded by residential homes, in what was then considered the suburbs (can you imagine that now!). The location was actually originally known as Bullock’s, until the apostrophe was dropped in the 1970s to distinguish it from the regular Bullock’s department stores.

The fur salon and Tea room is what I remember the most. I remember how Ma would try on mink fur coats and fox wraps and we walk out with attendants carrying what my Ma had just purchased. I remember how tailors in the men’s area waited on my Pops hand and foot as Ma gave them directions as to how she wanted the suit to fit and she carefully picked out colors, then ties and shoes.

Bullock’s and Bullock’s Wilshire has unmatched service from any department store in the nation and the Bullock’s Wilshire building was unmatched in style and elegance both inside and out.

“I’ll meet you in half and hour. Beside Bullock’s Wilshire, the east entrance to the parking lot.”

On Sept. 26, 1929, the doors opened at the five-story building with a distinctive terra cotta and copper facade and a 241-foot tower that drew the eye from far down the boulevard. At night, the tower was alight until World War II, when it was darkened to shield it from possible enemy bombers.

“Like a jewel of jade upon the breast of a titan goddess, Bullocks Wilshire gleams against the California sky,” The Times announced.

Dubbed “the Cathedral of Commerce,” the grand edifice was built as a paean to automobile culture. Showcase display windows along the sidewalk were designed to catch motorists’ eyes.

Its imposing entrance was in the rear, where a dramatic circular driveway swept up to uniformed valets who parked cars and greeted shoppers under a richly colored Herman Sachs ceiling fresco that depicted the world of transportation: a zeppelin, an airplane and a luxury ocean liner.

When it opened, the store was one of only three commercial buildings in the mid-Wilshire area, along with the Brown Derby and the Ambassador Hotel.

Steeped in the glamour of another era’s rich and famous, the Bullocks Wilshire building is a stunning, masterly crafted Art Deco treasure that occupies a special place in Los Angeles history.
It was conceived by business partners John G. Bullock and P.G. Winnett to house the upscale Bullocks Wilshire Department Store. But while the building’s function was an ordinary one, its creators had grand ambitions for its design. After visiting the 1925 Exposition of Decorative and Modern Arts in Paris, where the art deco, or “moderne,” style was introduced, Winnett and architect Donald Parkinson agreed to use this new aesthetic as the inspiration for the department store. When it opened in 1929, the building was one of the first Art Deco structures built in the United States.

Parkinson – who, along with his son John, went on to design some of Los Angeles’ leading landmarks, including Union Station and City Hall – created an elegant five-story structure that, even today, stands out in the skyline. The gleaming edifice was constructed with terra cotta-clad reinforced concrete and accented with green verdigris copper. While building codes at the time sought to cap structures at 150 feet, the architects found a loophole enabling them to erect the Bullocks Wilshire building at 241 feet.
The Bullocks Wilshire building, and its beautifully appointed penthouse Tea Room, regularly drew Hollywood elite such as John Wayne, Greta Garbo, Alfred Hitchcock, Marlene Dietrich, Clark Gable and Mae West, as well as residents of the wealthy surrounding communities of Hancock Park, Windsor Square and Fremont Place. This gilded clientele helped the store survive the Great Depression, which began a month after its opening – a grand affair that drew 300,000 people.

For more than 60 years, the name Bullocks Wilshire was synonymous with elegance and style. However, over the years, many of the building’s prized architectural features were covered or removed. In 1969, local officials recognized the structure’s unique place in architectural and civic history by naming it a Los Angeles Historic Cultural Monument. Nine years later, it took its place on the National Register of Historic Places.

Business Declines, Southwestern Steps In
Eventually, business at Bullocks Wilshire took a downfall, as malls moved into suburbia, shopping habits and merchandising changed, and high-end stores opened farther west. In the 1980s, after a dispute among its directors, the store was sold to Federated Department Stores. Macy’s later purchased the business, but in 1993 the company filed for bankruptcy. The store was closed permanently, marking the end of an era and generating serious concern for the future of one of the city’s most beautiful and beloved buildings.

Rebirth of a Treasure
Over the next ten years, Southwestern meticulously restored the Bullocks Wilshire building to its original luster and design. Drawing from original plans, archival photos, and other historic documents, the law school refurbished or reproduced the property’s distinctive colors, decor and other details, while adapting the building to serve as a dynamic academic facility.

In October, 1997, a black-tie gala was held to celebrate the opening of Southwestern’s exquisite, 83,000-square-foot law library in the Bullocks Wilshire building. Members of the California Supreme Court, federal courts and other distinguished judicial officers, elected officials, and prominent members of the legal and business communities were among those in attendance.

The next several years saw the conversion of the Tea Room into a dining and gathering area, and the construction of new conference and seminar rooms, and faculty and administrative offices. A second gala was held in October, 2004 to celebrate the opening of the Julian C. Dixon Courtroom and Advocacy Center, which marked the completion of the Bullocks Wilshire building’s $29 million renovation.
Southwestern has received numerous awards for its sensitive restoration and adaptive reuse of the structure, including the 2005 President’s Award from the Los Angeles Conservancy, 2000 National Preservation Award from the National Trust for Historic Preservation and the Governor’s Historic Preservation Award from the California Office of Historic Preservation.

“To build a business that will never know completion” Mr. Bullock had no idea the retail garbage giant Federated Department Store the owners of Macy’s the East Coast step child to Bullock’s and Bullock’s Wilshire would end the business that was the last to offer unmatched service and set high standards in merchandise and employees.

After Federated Department Stores purchased Bullock’s and Bullock’s Wilshire the store lost it’s luster and clothes and items only found in Bullock’s and Bullock’s Wilshire were no more. Loyal customers like Ma and Pops began shopping at Nordstrom and Saks Fifth along with Neiman Markus and Barney’s.

In 1944 Bullock’s acquired I. Magnin & Co., a venerable, San Francisco-based upscale specialty chain. This was followed by the acquisition of the then public-owned Bullock’s/I. Magnin organization in 1964 by Federated Department Stores, much to the dismay of surviving founder P.G. Winnett, who publicly lambasted the deal (which was initiated by his own son-in-law Bullock’s President Walter W. Candy Jr.). In the 1970’s, to differentiate itself from the full-line Bullock’s stores, the very exclusive Wilshire location dropped its apostrophe, became Bullocks Wilshire and began its own expansion.

Bullock’s, Bullocks Wilshire, and I. Magnin retained their autonomy under Federated, as well as their carriage-trade niche, with I. Magnin expanding into the Chicago and Washington, D.C. metropolitan areas and Bullock’s opening stores in Phoenix, Las Vegas and Northern California. In 1983 however, Federated shuttered the Bullock’s North division and sold most of its locations to a Seattle, Washington upstart: Nordstrom. In 1988, after an ugly takeover battle between Robert Campeau and Macy’s for Federated, Bullock’s and I. Magnin were sold by Campeau to Macy’s as a consolation prize for one billion dollars, which plunged Macy’s into debt. The new owners responded by dismantling Bullock’s Los Angeles corporate offices, merging Bullocks Wilshire into I. Magnin, and Bullock’s into its Macy’s South division, thus sending what had been Federated’s most profitable division into a precipitous decline and alienating the local customers.

The end came quickly for Bullock’s after Macy’s filed for bankruptcy protection in 1992, with the Bullocks Wilshire stores being renamed I. Magnin two years before. I. Magnin and Bullock’s were pruned of their underperforming branches, and I. Magnin itself was dissolved in January 1995 once Federated Department Stores reappeared on the scene and acquired Macy’s. In 1996 following the acquisition of Broadway Stores, Inc., Federated consolidated all its traditional department store business in California under the Macy’s nameplate, ending 89 years of Bullock’s.
Bullocks Wilshire stores was deemed the most exclusive department store and under Federated ownership the store quickly fell from grace. Today Bullocks Wilshire still stands, but few know the history of this amazing building that holds such a ri

It’s now 10:40AM on Friday, July 25, 2008. I’ve been here at my doctors office since 8:00AM and I’ve already had two blood draws and two test done. I’m now waiting for my last blood draw.

The staff here at USC are awesome and treat me as well as others with such a huge amount of respect and compassion. It always amazes me just how much they really try to make the patients here feel comfortable and welcome. This is something that is lacking in places like Harbor UCLA Medical Center and N-24.

After I leave the doctor I will head back to skid row and collect my things from the Russ Hotel. My housing has expired and I need to be out of the room. Some of the things I will have o throw away and others I will have to carry in my backpack.

Once I done packing my things I will make my way to my next doctors appointment and I will try to finish my day with at least an hour in the ceramic studio. I don’t know if I will attend jazz tonight. I will need to make certain that my phone is fully charged and watch how long I talk on it because the battery doesn’t get a full charge even though it says it’s fully charged.
I don’t know where I am sleeping tonight and right now I can’t worry about that. My focus is on making sure I get to my doctors appointments and then making sure I am in a good space to function for the rest of my day and what will more the likely be a very long weekend. ch Los Angeles, West Coast and National history.

I was refused entrance to the building and told by the guard that it is illegal to take pictures of the property. I was also refused entrance.

“It’s just some old building. I don’t know why people always want to come in and take pictures for. It was just a little department store.” Is what the security guard said.

“You have no idea of where you are and what building you sit in and I bet the law students here are just as ignorant as you.” I said as I smiled and walked off the grounds of what is still and always will be the crown jewel of department stores.

I got a surprise from Ma today

• Posted by Kengi on July 20, 2008 at 3:34pm

When I was a kid I remember Ma playing the organ at church. It was a Hammond B3 and she was what many in Black churches called a “B3 Specialist” In other words she made that baby “talk”

It was cool how she would seem to vanish right in front of my eyes, yet she was still sitting right there. I watched as her head moved in a circular type motion, tilting from side to side and her neck seemed to move in a different motion. This was like watching real life bobble head doll, but this one had plenty of rhythm. Her left foot was busy working the pedals while her right foot was controlling the sound. There was this switch just the left of her on the bottom row of keys. Her hand would move there and “click it” and without missing a single beat, the hand was back in place.

Ma played by ear and the sound that came from that organ was magical to me. Add to this magic the sound of this choir that was the best in the west. Many called them “second to none” There were two organists, then first lady played mainly the choir processional, the morning hymn and for the benevolent offering. Right after the benevolent offering was the choirs’ first song and this is where Mrs. Richards would give up her seat and Ma would take the thrown. This would be the first “get down, get funky, get loose” full gospel song. This song let you now you were here to have church and the choir was showing and encouraging you to praise the Lord.

This song announced the “churchin” that went on in the main sanctuary. Depending on the music any of the four choir directors would take their place down on the floor in front of the congregation and raise the choir. Their arm would either go high in the air, then begin to sway and the choir would then start to sway from side to side. Folks in the congregation would start to clap if the music was fast. However the choir didn’t clap until the director clapped. Once she did that (clap her hands) and the choir followed suit, man, if you weren’t already out your seat, you were up after that. Not for show and not to act silly. You were up because there was this anointing that came from the choir.

“ALRIGHT!!!!” is what I could hear Pastor chime in while the choir was ministering. Ladies on the Mother’s board would be shouting things like “ya’ll better sang now” (translation, they were “sangin”) and “Oh c’on now” or “Sang New Bethel” Folks all over the building would be rejoicing and praising God for his majesty, her mercy and for his grace.

Songs like “Silver and God” , “Wait On the Lord”, “Don’t Wait Til the Battle is Over” and “Hold On Old Soldier” were songs. The choir would only sing one song and sit back down. The music would stop and one of the ministers would stand up in the Pulpit. At times when the song was so good and the spirit was just all over folks, he would have to sit back down, because the music would start up again and the choir would return to their feet and the director would come back down to her position while the choir had already started moving from side to side, clapping their hands and “sangin” because Ma would raise her hand and still not miss one beat and give them direction.

After the song, then would be you would hear from the Pulpit, followed by the morning announcements from someone you never saw, but always heard right around the same time starting with the same phrase each Sunday. “First giving honor to God, Bishop and ministers in the Pulpit, members and guests, good morning. The following are your weekly announcements………..” Just like how it started, it would always end the same “There are your announcements, please govern yourselves accordingly”

I was in church every Sunday from 9:30AM for Sunday School until 10:30AM. I had about 15 to 20 minutes to play with my friends. I had to be extra careful because Ma didn’t play when it came to me getting dirty at church. It was fine other times, in fact she encouraged it. But church was no place to get dirty.

I sat with my Pops right next to my behind the pew where my grandparents always sat. Two of my Aunts sat there as well. My great grandparents sat behind Pops and me, on their pew were four of my great Aunts and two cousins. Of course other people were also on the pews with us. The Pew could seat 14 people comfortably, but on days when church was packed the pews sat 18 people.

Church, gospel music and Christianity were a HUGE part of my child hood. Although it changed as little as I got older, the foundation is help to build for me remain in tact to this very day. After graduation when I moved out for a year to live in New York with my favorite cousin, church still played a key role in my life. Although I didn’t go to Sunday School, I was most times in church for morning worship.

All the tools I was given, all the things I learned along with all the songs I remember and all the sermons I thought I didn’t hear, have long been parts in my life. Like the “home training” I received from my parents, the stories from my grandparents and great grandparents and the “how to act” lessons I received have always been my moral compass. They direct me and lead me in the right direction. Although there are times when I try to navigate things alone, I am very quick to return to what I know works and what I have been taught.

I called Ma this morning and had an awesome long talk with her. Before the conversation ended, she asked if I wanted a surprise and I said yes. She told me to check my email and there would be a surprise for me.

I’ve added “the surprise” to my music player. I think it will so you why I love gospel music and why Ma is someone I feel I need to protect from all that is going on with me. http://projectkengikat.ning.com

She sent me two songs

Keeping me and Yes

The LIGHT in me LONGS to see the LIGHT in ALL of US

• Posted by Kengi on July 20, 2008 at 9:37pm

The sun has set on yet another day I’ve been blessed to see. I’ve worked hard to once again create opportunities for my housing and health care, even in the face of knowing that my cancer is getting worse and my liver is once again starting to fail me.

I spent the better part of my day outside with my camera and doing the best I could to remain positive and open to the possibilities in store for me. I did some reading of blogs as well as some research on three events I am planning.

I set a date for my next Do Something Saturday~that empowers people for the month of September for which I have already started asking people to get involved wit helping people of all backgrounds and sexual orientation in the spirit of brother hood and caring for our fellow man.

I think once we start to talk to and treat each other like HUMANS instead of Blacks, Browns, Reds, Yellows and White or Gays and Straights, Jews and Christians or the other things like the have and have nots, then we can work together on all social issues as a UNIT, not as a group.

I am not saying people should have to give up their cultures to go be grey. I respect and love all cultures and I find value in each. Until we start to look at why certain groups of people don’t look us in our eyes when we talk to them and understand that in their culture it’s disrespectful to do so and until we understand that men and women should have the right to love and marry who they want when they want without fear of being singled out. Until Blacks and Browns see each other as true brothers and until ALL of us work toward a HEALING that is good for ALL of us and not just the ones in power, we will always have to fight for things like Civil Rights, Gay Rights, poverty and those who go without will always be with us, because we all too caught up in “Gay and Straight” or “Black and White” when we should be concerned with what’s RIGHT and WRONG for all people PERIOD.

As I begin my journey of riding the trains and busses until I pass out some place or until the sun comes up. I pray that God will send his HEALING for all of us. I pray a HEDGE of protection around each of us and I pray that one day we will see that we are all in this together and there is no “I” in “TEAM”

I pray that we all will soon wake up to see that LOVE sees no color, no race no sexual preference. LOVE IS LOVE

Blessings

How many of you know that the love of God is awesome? How many of you know just how much God loves each of and everyone of us. His love is so awesome that he has given us the most prestigious seats in the kingdom. We’re seated in heavily places with his son Jesus.

He loves you, he loves me, he loves us, and he thinks we’re the best thing since sliced bread. He’s into us. He knows about all my faults and my wrongs. He isn’t blind to the fact that that I am blemished, I’m shattered and wounded. Almost damaged goods He isn’t ignorant to the fact that I sometimes fall and he even knows my special knack of fouling up the simplest task he’s given me to do. But still, he says to me like he said to Moses. “I called you by name and I know who you are Louis, I know who you are Sally and I’ve called you for my purpose and you have found favor in my site.”

So tonight my prayer isn’t that God give me a million bucks, it would be nice, but that is not my priority. My prayer is that God would teach me his way. Not my will, Lord, but your will be done.

I’ve come through so many things and I am sure God will bring me through so many more and it certainly isn’t because I’ve been so faithful and it’s not because I always obey. Nope, it’s not even because I’ve always trusted him to lead me and keep me all the way. It’s because he loves me so dearly. His always been right there to answer my call, he’s been there always to protect me in the midst of it all.

It seems like has placed some stumbling blocks in my way, but I’ve had to keep the faith and keep my mind steadfast and unmovable. I’ve had o keep the faith and bring what’s in my heart to the light and never give, not ever give on me.

Who holds the pieces that can complete the puzzle? The answers that can solve the mystery? The key that can unlock my understanding I have always had in me and I have everything I need, so I have to keep this dream alive and not let it die. There is something deep inside of me that keeps inspiring me to try and I just can’t stop. This is why I will never give up, NEVER give up on me.

Today was yet another day when I felt like all my work has been for nothing and there was a time when I allowed the enemy to come set up shop and just run all over me. Nana use to say things like “Not here devil” and today I said “Not here devil”

I almost let the threat of going without housing put fear in my heart, but fear isn’t from God, so I refuse to allow it to be part of me. Yeah, there are times when it will sneak in and linger for a minute or two, but it’s through prayer and supplication that fear is removed.

Right when I was at a point to where I was about to shed a tear over something like the Russ Hotel, God said “Not so” and I went to a meeting God had already commissioned. I met with two new people to my network here on ning. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to meet them how much they help recharge the warrior in me. See there are times when even this warrior gets tired and needs time to recharge and tonight I was able to do just that.

5:55AM

I slept pretty well last night. Unlike in the past when housing was ending, I didn’t get all worked up over it. I didn’t allow it to prevent me from getting rest. I prayed and gave it to God.

I have to be at USC at 8:00AM. I am having some test done to make sure my heart is fine. Since there is a history of heart dieses in my family and given all that I am dealing with health wise, coupled by the fact that I’m having chest pains and have had them for over a year now, my doctor wants to be sure everything is fine. In addition I am also doing some tests to check for pre diabetes, again there is a history of this in my family and my doctor is being very proactive to make sure I don’t develop it. It feels great to have a doctor who listens to what I am concerned about and then takes steps to make sure things are in working condition. When I had Blue Cross, all of this was possible, however since I’ve been homeless, none of this has been possible.

Housing slipping away

• Posted by Kengi on July 21, 2008 at 11:00pm

When I woke this morning the first thing on my mind was housing and if I would get a call from Ernest with regards to the apartment that is supposed to be ready for me at the Rivers Hotel. I called him at 8:36AM to once again leave him a message and to ask him to schedule the appointment. When I didn’t hear from him by 11:30AM, I called him again and once again I got his voicemail. I left another message and this time I emailed him. At about 4:30PM I called Ernest for the last time for the day, I also emailed him again.

Ernest is one of those people likes trying to play “HNIC” (Head Nigger I Charge) when he isn’t. It has become very clear to me that I bruised his little ego by asking him questions, which I have the right to do, however he wasn’t able to answer them. I would like to think that this is because he simply didn’t understand my questions, but I asked them three times and the last time I asked I made the questions as “preschool” as I could. I just happen to think that Ernest is just some fucking asshole who wants to try to lay games and I am not in the mood, nor do I have the time, interest or energy to fool with someone as silly and stupid as him.

I decided t take a walking tour of Downtown Los Angeles, however most of the tour I took wont be on any tourist destinations and not many people living here in Los Angeles would want to go on this tour if they don’t have to. But since I am being forced to find housing in an area that is dangerous to both my physical and mental health and is also a place that is very homophobic and seeing as I have had so many fist fights in this area then I have had my entire life, I figured I might as well take a tour to see what other shit I would have to deal with.

Skid Row is depressing and this is being very nice. Most of the people on Skid Row have drug and drinking problems. Some have this plus they have mental issues. Some have a combination of all three and are wanted by LAPD. Skid Row is a place where you can score drugs, a cheap trick, shit and piss on the sidewalk and kill someone and get away with it.

If you think for one second that the missions and shelters are doing all they can to help people with the huge amount of problems they face from simply being homeless and add to that the others I have listed and you will have a mixture that is violent and many times ends in death.

Just take a look at the pictures I’ve posted with this posting from my walking tour. In front of every shelter and mission there are people sleeping on the street. Right outside the doors of the Union Rescue Mission people were asking for food to it. Not to mention all the trash in the street and on the sidewalks because there are no trash cans in many of the areas on skid row. Those that are there are filled and running over with trash. God forbid the trash men have to get out of his trash truck to empty it. Excuse me, they aren’t “trash men” they are “sanitation workers” There isn’t anything “sanitary” about trash on the street.

As I walked through the area I noticed a few things. Most of the people are Black and Latino with some sprinkles of white people here and there. Most seemed to have been down here for so long they seemed to have forgotten that they once had a life and now they fallen into a cycle of drugs, drinking and God only knows what else in order to survive in this area.

Of the men and women I came by who were either drunk or high they all had some mental problems. This leads me to believe that they are only trying to make all the sounds or noise in their heads to go away. But since they are homeless and either drunk and high, who gives a fuck? They made their bed, now they are forced to sleep in right? Well this is where Americans start to get things twisted (WRONG).

People with metal illness had absolutely no say in the closure of all metal institutions in this state. This started under the Regan administration and has continued with each new administration. President Clinton’s administration also played key roles in the downfall of mental services in this nation. Not only that, Americans voted for, stood by and allowed it to happen. So when we see people with metal illness roaming the streets like zombies or talking to people who aren’t there, we can’t blame them. We as a nation have done this to them, so now we cant get made because they walk the streets.

The same can be said for our Veterans who fought pointless wars and lost their limbs and most of their minds to return to a country that treats them like they are somehow the enemy. They saw their comrades die in battle; they have all this pinned up inside of them. Then they have no place to sleep because our nation can’t seem to provide them.

While I was walking I came past the very place where I am supposed to be moving. I have been told “The Rivers is very nice” or “Damn can I get a diagnosis so I can live at the Rivers?” people say some stupid ass shit and think this is supposed to make me and people just like me feel better. It’s just like being told by doctors and social workers from Harbor UCLA Medical Center that “HIV is a blessing” or “Since you now have HIV, there will be so many options for you.” The comments I remember the most and will more then likely never forget are those that come from people in the Gay and Lesbian community, like Scott Rowland from Aids Service Center (ASC) “It’s a blessing you have HIV, because now you are talking to me.” WTF does that mean and who the fuck are you?

As I walked back to the Russ I couldn’t help but think to myself. Is this what will become of me? Will I end up being the man talking to myself on the corner? Will I become the drug user doing anything to stay high so I can stay numb? Will I end up dead after walking on skid row and get into a fight I wont be able to fight my way out of? The next time the gun is placed in my face, will I be shot?

I have learned that the road out of homelessness is paved and filled with plenty of people that will only take you on the long trip through homelessness. it serves them no purpose to get you past homelessness because then there wouldn’t be so many homeless folks. Just like long lines outside of clubs give the illusion that they are crowded, long lines at missions and shelters means business is booming and people will give because there is a line folks standing outside, so they must be helping these people right?

How many times have you waited in line at a club or even waited a long time for table at a restaurant only to discover there are more people OUTSIDE then INISDE. This is also true for missions and shelters.

I don’t know when I will get a call from Ernest, I am inclined to think I never will and if I don’t, so be it. What goes around comes around and you reap what you so IN THIS LIFE, so Ernest will get his just reward sometime of this I am very sure.

Being Alive ROCKS!!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on July 22, 2008 at 1:00am

If I had to say what the hardest thing throughout this past 17 and half months has been, I would have to say that is has been the fight to keep things in my life that keep me normal and do not allow me to fall off the ledge I am already on.

Things like music and the arts have long been a huge part of my life. I grew up with music and arts. I sing, play piano, I’ve directed church choirs and youth choirs. I’ve been in plays and attended my fair share of art gallery openings and Broadway Shows (ON and off Broadway) I was a Madrigal Singer and I was also in All Southern California Honor Choir as well as All State Choir when I was in high school at SAMOHI. I won the NAACP ACTSO competition both voice and piano.

When I became homeless all of this changed. My days became filled with running from place to place trying to get services. Services that I thought would be very easy to come by. Hey I have a double Master’s and I gave a shit load of money to places that I thought would be places I could now turn to. Fuck, was I ever wrong. My nights have been filled mostly with sleeping on beaches, in alleys, parks or on train and busses. I’ve had 56 fist fights and 11 Staph Infections since I became homeless. I have never had a cold or the flu in my entire life. Since homeless, I’ve had the flu at least four times and I’ve had 7 colds.
I use to think BED BUGS were just something my Ma and Pops would tell me stories about to get me to go to sleep. BED BUGS are real and they are no joke.

When you are homeless, things like Music and Arts are things that you don’t get to enjoy. In fact, you don’t get to do anything that keeps your mind healthy and helps to calm the HUGE STORM in your life. Doing so means you are lazy and not putting in all the work it takes to get yourself out of homelessness. Furthermore, it is your love for such things that have caused you to become homeless in the first place.

MUSIC and ARTS are things that I refuse to give up. I will never let go of them. Music calms me and arts take me far away from all the madness and drama I’ve been dealing with. THANK GOD, because it has been things like music and arts that have kept me from acting on things at times. Like knocking the shit out of some dumbass case manager who tells me taking a shower “isn’t” my right. I knocking the head off the asshole who spit in my face. Praise GOD that is has been things like music and arts and my FAITH that has caused me to remain calmer then most when places like the Union Rescue Mission have served me food that has made me very sick.

When I found out I was HIV positive I really felt like I was going to just snap. I put my head on my pillow and I just cried, not because I am afraid if HIV, but because now there is yet another thing in my life that I will have to find something to help me deal with it. Music and Arts would play KEY roles, but I needed to find a person or a group of people I could talk to and get questions answered and turn to for advice.

Being GAY has never defined me and I have refused to make it something that I need to share with everyone. I am very proud of who I am and how I have lived my life, but just like I don’t have all Black friends or only listen to HIP HOP, I also don’t hang out in ALL GAY clubs and have all gay friends. However, needed to find guys that I like. Guys who are HIV positive and sort of like me. Just a normal guy who happens to LOVE other guys. I am a HUGE Fag, but I aint no queen and I sure as hell aint no punk. I am a man.

I cried I knew I was going to have to reach out to a community I have never been part of. A community I have never felt welcomed in. A community that has left a very sour taste in my mouth on four ocassions. After I finished crying I made a few calls and then I called a friend and they got the HIV LA book for me.

The first call I made was to APLA. Looking back I wished I had called Being Alive. I spoke with Janet Holt from APLA. At first she seemed to be concerned, but this is how all people are until they discover you are homeless. Unless you’ve been homeless, you wont ever know what I am talking about. She then seemed “bothered” and “rushed” She even suggested I call Being Alive. However I was tired of being pushed aside and not have any questions answered. It had been day four and my HIV doctors were….to be honest “KIDS” still learning and their leader wasn’t any better. I called Janet a few times after. I never could get her on the phone and she never returned any of my calls either. But I did try to see her once I left the hospital. She wasn’t in and I gave up.

I spent so many days and nights calling all over the place and asking people where to turn, but I never got anywhere. I got desperate and went to Aids Service Center. All they gave me was list of numbers I already had. I then call and later went to the Gay and Lesbian Center and man was that a HUGE mistake. They were about as helpful as a hemorrhoid in my ass. I’ve never had one, but I would imagine it would be called “The Gay and Lesbian Center”

One day after sitting in the Central Library I started going through services for HIV positive men and I found a link for Being Alive. I got the address and headed right over and I am so glad I did.

The first person I met there was Bart. I was in a “fucked up mood” I had been sleeping outside for about a week and I hadn’t had a shower in I few days. I do the best job I can to keep my clothes clean and not smell or look homeless, but when you sleep in dirty alleys or on the beach, it’s a little hard to do this. I had also been in two fist fights. One a few hours before meeting him. I’ve said this before and I am sure I will say it again. Skid Row aint nothing nice and you either make it down there or you don’t. Lucky for me the knuckle heads that come for me, don’t come for me more then once. However, there is always someone who thinks they can get at me. DON’T, let the smooth taste full ya.

Right away Bart seemed cool. When people learn you are homeless there is this look, no matter how hard they try to hide it, it’s there. Shit some people don’t even bother trying to hide it, but Bart was cool. He did have “the look”, but he also seemed “open” to at least listening to me. Soon we were laughing and AFTER Bart took the time to LISTEN he then made some suggestions as to the best HIV group for me. He also told me about the ceramics studio and other things offered at Being Alive.

I went to the HIV Support group that night and you will have to read the blog or join the HIV group here on my network to see what I blogged about the group. I will say this. Having met Bart and him telling me about Brian and the HIV support group was a good thing. Through this I now have a great case manager at APLA, Tiana (my gurl) and she is awesome. I have also been able to get support from Brian.

HOWEVER, the ceramic studio at Being Alive is AWESOME and for me has been sort of like a “calming” on this HUGE, ongoing storm in my life. The first day I can in I was in tears a few hours before and I just wanted to hit something or someone. Since nobody picked a fight with me (LOL) I went to Being Alive..

Danny let me in that day and I am very glad he did. Even though he didn’t know where anything was. (LOL) That’s a joke between Danny and I. He’s been a great guy to me. I was able to be in there all day alone and I so needed that. I was able to start some projects and just be quiet and allow myself to relax and recharge. I did some prayer and mediation while I worked the clay and I asked God for some peace and I got it.

The next time I went I met Alan, Chad and Troy. There were others there, but these three guys have been the coolest to me. Very helpful, but not pushy. They make jokes, but they aren’t disrespectful. They’ve made me laugh and since going to Being Alive I am smiling a bit more and feeling a little more normal.

Chad and I have become buddies. We laugh and make jokes all the time. He’s very much one of those guys that you just feel comfortable talking to. I’ve talked the most with Chad about HIV and he has shared his experience, insight, knowledge with me and for this I am very thankful. Chad cracks me up. I’ve learned that we are very much alike. We both like to laugh and make light of things. Moreover we can have an intelligent conversation about my homeless experience and HIV.

Since sharing with these three guys about my homelessness and all that I am dealing with, they have been very supportive and helpful.

Today I had the chance to work on the wheel for the second time. Troy was very cool with helping (he made it) me with my vase. He’s cool and I didnt feel like some “preschooler” being taught what “Hand building”……….. “Hand building” is.

Being Alive has for me been another KEY element in my survival and just like MUSIC and ARTS I will not allow it to be taken away from me simply because I am homeless and some asshole in a suit, sitting in some air conditioned office who has never even talked with a homeless person tell me I have to give these very important things up because I have to be inside some rat infested shitty ass building.

Bart, Danny, Chad, Alan and Troy are now very much part of my network of resources I now use to survive. The support I was looking so hard for, the relaxed, non clinical, calming, educating fun atmosphere I was looking for I have found at Being Alive.

Going from the man who has traveled all over this country and out of the country as well, to someone who now plans day trips on METRO to calm and clear my head or from someone who had a home and two condos to a man that has no idea when or where my next turn will be or what my next challenge will be, things like Music and Art Festival, Ceramic Studios and day trips to a free art opening or taking the time to talk to someone I met in my HIV support group who touched my heart in a way to where I had to fight back tears or planning my next Do Something Saturday~that empowers people event and I cant forget my blog here on ning and all the awesome people here. ALL of these things are very much part of the tools I use to survive in system designed to fail people and has done so for some time now.

The pictures with this post are some of my “thangs” along with other pictures from my journey

THANKS GUYS and BEING ALIVE……..YOU ROCK

Another day goes by and no call for housing

• Posted by Kengi on July 22, 2008 at 5:54pm

Another day is ending and this marks another day that Ernest from Skid Row Housing has failed to return any of my 4 phone calls. I have also sent him two emails, however the last email I sent a blind copy to Gabriel, also with Skid Row Housing, HOPWA and my case manager over at APLA.

Speaking of APLA, I got two phone calls from my case manager Tiana and she has set up two appointments for other housing. One is tomorrow in the Van Nuys and the other on Thursday in Long Beach. Both are in homes houses instead of a shelter or mission. Both places are offered through the Project New Hope Organization.

I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 1:00PM, so I am spreading myself really thin tomorrow. I will have to leave Skid Row no later then 8:30AM to make it on time for the appointment and then leave there in enough time to get to my doctors appointment by 1:00PM. For those who don’t live in LA, this will take a miracle if I make it to the doctor on time and not have to reschedule the appointment. This is something I have to do all the time.

It’s funny when I get the call from Tiana and she was able to set the appointments with no problem. She called me, told me about them and reminded of the services they offer. She was very clear that if I didn’t like it, I didn’t have to take it and she would continue to work on other options for me.

This is something that hasn’t taken place with Skid Row Housing. Ernest is a jackass who likes to pretend he is someone very important. He doesn’t return phone calls or emails and gets insulted when I’ve asked questions he should know the answers to. People like Ernest are the kind of people who make up most of the individuals currently working in social work or for agencies helping the homeless, poor and low income. The selection of people working for agencies in the gay and lesbian community are worse.

Tonight I don’t know if I will attend jazz at Hollywood and Highland. I have a huge headache and I haven’t been feeling all that good today. I was able to get some outreach things done this morning with the use of Kimarie’s car and donations from people. I was able to come over to Being Alive and work on some projects, but the headache hasn’t gotten any better. My stomach is in knots and I am all these thoughts in my head.

It really sucks not having control of things in my life and it sucks even more when I have to rely on other people who don’t give a shit about me or the things I am dealing with for my housing and survival. I am not good at kissing ass in order to get someone to do their job. I am not good at kissing ass at all and I shouldn’t have to be. NO HOMELESS person should have to kiss ass to get services the rest of this country thinks is out there.

I don’t want to go down to Skid Row and sit in a room with Bed Bugs or look at the shit on the hallway floor or on the toilet seat. I don’t want to sit in the room that is very depressing and hot as all hell. This will only serve to make my headache worse then it already is.

I am also thinking very much about my appointment tomorrow. One thing I have had to remind myself of is something my parents taught me a very long time ago. “If it sounds too good to be true, then it is.”

As I have said before in many post and if you are someone who knows me, then you know just how important things like taking pictures, doing my outreaches, music, art and now Being Alive is so very important to me. All of the places I have been referred to for shelter have not allowed me to continue to do the things that keep my mind calm and my head clear. I refuse to allow another thing in my life to be taken away from me because I am homeless and some jackass has made rules like “in by 6:00PM” or “out by 5:00AM”

So I don’t know what I am going to do for a little while to pass some time. I do have tickets to for the movies, so I might do that. But again, my head really hurts and I feel like I am going to vomit.

Things are falling apart

• Posted by Kengi on July 23, 2008 at 7:05pm

Today started off bad and is ending just as bad with a few good things in-between. I was scheduled to have an appointment to meet with this lady “Sparkle” from Project New Hope. Tiana called me and asked me if the time Sparkle had open would work for me. I said yes and the appointment was scheduled. Tiana and I spoke for a bit about other options and what else is going on. She also scheduled another appointment for me to look at another location tomorrow (Thursday)

I was up by 6:00AM. I showed and got dressed and then called Metro to get directions to Van Nuys where my housing appointment was. After speaking with the lady from Metro I and her telling me I could get the 8:40 train and be to there on time, I followed my “first mind” and left at 7:30AM. I am glad I did, because Metro runs behind schedule more then 80% of the time and today was no exception. The train was over 10 minutes late and once I got to North Hollywood to make the first bus connection it too was late. Not only was it late, the bus broke down about two stops after leaving the North Hollywood Station. It was over 30 minutes before the next bus showed up. The next bus connection was even worse, it too was late, got stuck in traffic and then a passenger refused to get off and the bus driver turned the engine off and sat there for over 30 minutes.

I got my appointment 3 minutes late. This really didn’t make a difference because not only was Sparkle not there, she also said she was unaware of the appointment and she already gave the space to someone else. I tried my best not to get pissed off, but I was very pissed off.

This was a two and have hour bus ride for NOTHING. How the hell could she not have known about the appointment? Tiana didn’t pull it from her ass and send me on some wild goose chase just to fuck with me.

“Ah. This is Sparkle.” She says as she sounded like she was still in bed.

“Ok, Hi Sparkle. Are you running late?” I ask

“Well I didn’t know I had an appointment with you. Tiana was supposed to call back to confirm and I never heard back from her, so I put someone else in the space we had open. I am sorry Mr. Carr, but we don’t have any other space at this time. I am so sorry.” She says

How the fuck could you that YOU scheduled an appointment? Furthermore, then tell a bold faced lie that Tiana didn’t call back to confirm. Tiana did call back to confirm, but Sparkle failed to DO HER JOB and check her voicemail until AFTER speaking to me THIS MORING. What do I get out the of HER FUCK UP. “I’m so sorry”

I am so sick of hearing things like “I am so sorry” Each time people make mistakes all I ever get is “I am so sorry” They never once consider that what they have done has now screwed me. It causes me to have to fist fight with assholes who try to steal from me, it causes me to miss medical appointments and causes so much stress in my life which ISNT good for my health.

The Union Rescue Mission fucked up 5 bed ticket and five times I was told by Andy Bales and his lousy staff there “I’m so sorry” and “this wont happen again” but it did. Harbor UCLA the same damn thing. “I’m so sorry”, Aids Service Center (cassie) “I’m so sorry Mr. Carr, I forgot……” OPCC. “I’m sorry” and even Akilah Mills from the Union Rescue Mission “I’m sorry I forgot.

How the fuck do you forget to do your fucking job? How bout the payroll person forgets to pay your damn check. “I’m sorry” wont be enough, but “I’m sorry” will just have to do for people like me. I am homeless and sick and my die some, so who gives a fuck in the first place.

It took ALPA a month to get me a Case Manager “I’m sorry” Janet Holt and John Riley from APLA have failed to return phone calls and emails. I sure if they ever do I will hear “I’m sorry”

I dare not express my anger or distrust for the inability of people to do their jobs, because then I am being difficult or unreasonable. I don’t give a good damn if you had a wedding to plan. I don’t care about your fucking vacation and I sure as hell don’t give a rats ass about the fucking rules of some program that has doesn’t noting but make my life more difficult then it already is and cause me more stress. So don’t tell me about your vacation or your fucking wedding because guess what. I don’t give a fuck. All I want to know is did you do what YOU are required to do to help me through this and if the answer is “I’m sorry” then you’ve failed.

Sparkle told me she would call me back to tell me about other openings in other locations. She also said she would call Tiana. I spoke with Tiana and Sparkle hasn’t called her back.

“I am so sorry Mr. Carr, but we have lots of other places and they do have openings, so I just need to make some calls. I will get back to you today.” She says. She only said this to get me off the phone and she could feel better about the lies she was telling me.

It took even longer to get back to my next appointment which was at 1:00PM. I was 15 minutes late because once again Metro was LATE or brokedown. Once at my HIV appointment I was able to get some great news. Well I guess I should say some mixed news. The Staph infection is gone, however I still need to finish the rest of the antibiotic and once this is done other test will begin to discover why I keep getting them in the first place. 11 Staph Infections and not one single doctor was ever concerned why I was getting them in the first place. My current doctor is very concerned and is very proactive in find out why.

I was told I was borderline diabetic, however when the blood was drawn I had lunch about an hour before. So it could have been high from this. My Cholesterol (good and bad) are “great” However he wants to run some test to find out what is causing my chest pains and irregular heartbeat. Santa Monica-UCLA-Medical Center, Saint John’s Hospital, Long Beach Memorial Hospital and Harbor UCLA Medical Center all told me that there was nothing wrong with my heart and they refused to do any test to find out the source of the chest pain.

A few weeks back I collapsed from these chest pains on the train and then again at the 24 hours Urgent Care Center on the corner of Vermont and Santa Monica. I was taken to Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital where again I was told there was nothing wrong with me and released. With a history of heart disease in my family as well as diabetes, my doctor is making sure we are very proactive in making certain all is being done both medically and physically to make certain my heart is healthy and fit.

I can’t tell you how awesome it is to have a doctor who listens to me and takes what I bring up serous. In the past it has been dismissed. When I had medical insurance I could say my toenail was hurting and I would be sent to every possible doctor to find out what was causing it. That isn’t the case now. At least not until I found my HIV doctor who like my cancer team is awesome.

The rest of this week is filled with medical appointments and housing appointments. I have my HIV support group tonight and tomorrow night I am meeting with someone who reads my blog and wants to meet with me to try to come up with ways to bring a larger awareness to the entire problem with homelessness as well as finding ways he might be able to help me. I cant tell you how many times people have read my blog or viewed my youtube channel and then tell me. “Kengi, I want to help with your Do Something Saturday outreach project.” or “I want to try to find ways to help you with your situation” only to have them never contact me again.

As the sun is starting its way down into the Pacific Ocean, I am thankful to God for the blessing in my life. Despite of all that I am going through, I still have a sound mind and the activity of all my limbs. I am still able to speak out and speak up. Despite having to deal with the possibility of not having a place to sleep this weekend, I am will thank and praise God for all my blessings.

The pictures with this posting are from my day today.

Awesome

• Posted by Kengi on July 25, 2008 at 2:59pm

How many of you know that the love of God is awesome? How many of you know just how much God loves each of and everyone of us. His love is so awesome that he has given us the most prestigious seats in the kingdom. We’re seated in heavily places with his son Jesus.

He loves you, he loves me, he loves us, and he thinks we’re the best thing since sliced bread. He’s into us. He knows about all my faults and my wrongs. He isn’t blind to the fact that that I am blemished, I’m shattered and wounded. Almost damaged goods He isn’t ignorant to the fact that I sometimes fall and he even knows my special knack of fouling up the simplest task he’s given me to do. But still, he says to me like he said to Moses. “I called you by name and I know who you are Louis, I know who you are Sally and I’ve called you for my purpose and you have found favor in my site.”

So tonight my prayer isn’t that God give me a million bucks, it would be nice, but that is not my priority. My prayer is that God would teach me his way. Not my will, Lord, but your will be done.

I’ve come through so many things and I am sure God will bring me through so many more and it certainly isn’t because I’ve been so faithful and it’s not because I always obey. Nope, it’s not even because I’ve always trusted him to lead me and keep me all the way. It’s because he loves me so dearly. His always been right there to answer my call, he’s been there always to protect me in the midst of it all.

It seems like has placed some stumbling blocks in my way, but I’ve had to keep the faith and keep my mind steadfast and unmovable. I’ve had o keep the faith and bring what’s in my heart to the light and never give, not ever give on me.

Who holds the pieces that can complete the puzzle? The answers that can solve the mystery? The key that can unlock my understanding I have always had in me and I have everything I need, so I have to keep this dream alive and not let it die. There is something deep inside of me that keeps inspiring me to try and I just can’t stop. This is why I will never give up, NEVER give up on me.

Today was yet another day when I felt like all my work has been for nothing and there was a time when I allowed the enemy to come set up shop and just run all over me. Nana use to say things like “Not here devil” and today I said “Not here devil”

I almost let the threat of going without housing put fear in my heart, but fear isn’t from God, so I refuse to allow it to be part of me. Yeah, there are times when it will sneak in and linger for a minute or two, but it’s through prayer and supplication that fear is removed.

Right when I was at a point to where I was about to shed a tear over something like the Russ Hotel, God said “Not so” and I went to a meeting God had already commissioned. I met with two new people to my network here on ning. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to meet them how much they help recharge the warrior in me. See there are times when even this warrior gets tired and needs time to recharge and tonight I was able to do just that.

5:55AM

I slept pretty well last night. Unlike in the past when housing was ending, I didn’t get all worked up over it. I didn’t allow it to prevent me from getting rest. I prayed and gave it to God.

I have to be at USC at 8:00AM. I am having some test done to make sure my heart is fine. Since there is a history of heart dieses in my family and given all that I am dealing with health wise, coupled by the fact that I’m having chest pains and have had them for over a year now, my doctor wants to be sure everything is fine. In addition I am also doing some tests to check for pre diabetes, again there is a history of this in my family and my doctor is being very proactive to make sure I don’t develop it. It feels great to have a doctor who listens to what I am concerned about and then takes steps to make sure things are in working condition. When I had Blue Cross, all of this was possible, however since I’ve been homeless, none of this has been possible.

Have a Happy Day!!!

• Posted by Kengi on July 25, 2008 at 4:56pm

It seems like I spend so much time getting on and off trains and buses, so HUGE smile can over my face when I saw this man in his clown suit, complete with the floppy shoes and rainbow wig when I got on the train this morning.

Then the rest of my day is most times spent in medical offices and sitting in some housing office or the lobby of a skid row hotel waiting for someone to tell me they don’t have any information for me. Then there are those times when I take the bus places only to find out the place doesn’t exist or they have failed to even come in to have the appointment with me at all.

It’s now 10:40AM on Friday, July 25, 2008. I’ve here at my doctors office since 8:00AM and I’ve already had two blood draws and two test done. I’m now waiting for my last blood draw.

The staff here at USC are awesome and treat me as well as others with such a huge amount of respect and compassion. It always amazes me just how much they really try to make the patients here feel comfortable and welcome. This is something that is lacking in places like Harbor UCLA Medical Center and N-24.

After I leave the doctor I will head back to skid row and collect my things from the Russ Hotel. My housing has expired and I need to be out of the room. Some of the things I will have o throw away and others I will have to carry in my backpack.

Once done packing my things I will make my way to my next doctors appointment and I will try to finish my day with at least an hour in the ceramic studio. I don’t know if I will attend jazz tonight. I will need to make certain that my phone is fully charged and watch how long I talk on it because the battery doesn’t get a full charge even though it says it’s fully charged.

I don’t know where I am sleeping tonight and right now I cant worry about that. My focus is on making sure I get to my doctors appointments and then making sure I am in a good space to function for the rest of my day and what will more the likely be a very long weekend.

One thing that stands out for me so far today is the lady I spoke with while I was having my EKG done. Her name is Janice and she was so cool to me. She asked me questions about what I am going through and even offered some friendly advice and some Motherly love. I gave her the address to my network here on ning as well as my email and phone number. She called me not to long ago and left me a message telling me that if I needed anything and she was able to help she would.

I don’t meet very many people like Janice, but when I do, they really touch my heart and encourage me to continue on the path that God has laid out for me. I wanna say many thanks to her for making me laugh and helping me feel a little more love in the world of homelessness and illness.

I took these pictures as I walked from Union Station to my clinic at USC. I was even able to get some cool pictures of the new hospital that is scheduled to open in Septmeber.

It’s now 4:15PM on Friday, July 25, 2008. I’ve been here at Being Alive for about 30 minutes and I’ve done some work on my projects and I’ve checked emails and all that good stuff.

I am feeling a little worn down because of all the blood that I had to have drawn today. So it’s nice to be able to be here at Being Alive to relax and play in the clay and clear my head. Since no one is here, I was able to do some prayer and medication as well.

I got some news on my meeting at Project New Hope, they are going to wait through the weekend to make their decision, even though they told me they would contact me either late yesterday or today. They also told me they would call Tiana as well. As it turns out they didn’t bother to call me at all. They called Tiana.

So as it stands right now, I’ve once again lost housing. Not because I haven’t done everything I am required to do, but because someone wants to play big shot and try to get me to miss my doctor’s appointments for me to sit in their office, so they can feel important. I am no longer missing any medical appointments for any reason. All other appointments need to be scheduled around my medical appointments. What good is housing if I am dead?

I made a three part video of my day and I am currently uploading it to youtube. I hope to have enough time left here to get that done. I also changed the music on the main page.

I was thinking I would skip jazz tonight, but I am not going to do that. I am also not going to skip going to the Central Jazz Festival this weekend either. They are free events and I need to keep things as normal as possible in my life. Otherwise I will turn into the angry black man that everyone hates to meet.

The pictures with this posting are from my day so far.

Friday

• Posted by Kengi on July 28, 2008 at 5:09pm

It’s now 10:40AM on Friday, July 25, 2008. I’ve been here at my doctors office since 8:00AM and I’ve already had two blood draws and two test done. I’m now waiting for my last blood draw.

The staff here at USC are awesome and treat me as well as others with such a huge amount of respect and compassion. It always amazes me just how much they really try to make the patients here feel comfortable and welcome. This is something that is lacking in places like Harbor UCLA Medical Center and N-24.

After I leave the doctor I will head back to skid row and collect my things from the Russ Hotel. My housing has expired and I need to be out of the room. Some of the things I will have o throw away and others I will have to carry in my backpack.

Once I done packing my things I will make my way to my next doctors appointment and I will try to finish my day with at least an hour in the ceramic studio. I don’t know if I will attend jazz tonight. I will need to make certain that my phone is fully charged and watch how long I talk on it because the battery doesn’t get a full charge even though it says it’s fully charged.

I don’t know where I am sleeping tonight and right now I can’t worry about that. My focus is on making sure I get to my doctors appointments and then making sure I am in a good space to function for the rest of my day and what will more the likely be a very long weekend.

Saturday (CENTRAL JAZZ FESTIVAL)

• Posted by Kengi on July 28, 2008 at 5:23pm

Saturday was a day for me to just relax for a bit. It’s Jazz time here in Los Angeles and I am taking full advantage of it. Friday night I went to LACMA for Jazz and ended up linking with my childhood friend. I met her husband and her two kids. The jazz was rather watered down that night, so I headed around the corner to their place to chill out for a bit.

Angela has no idea what I am going through and I don’t think she’d understand. I haven’t seen her since high school graduation, so I don’t want to put the pressure of me being homeless and sick on our friendship right now. It was very cool to take time to chill at her place. She lives right around the corner from LACMA.

Saturday was awesome. I spent the entire day at the Central Avenue Jazz Festival. This was the 13th annual. The event, sponsored by the Councilwoman Jan Perry, is free and goes both Saturday and Sunday. This year’s line up is simply amazing. KJAZZ hosts the event. This is my 7th year attending the festival. Last year and this year have both been very different for me. I remember how I would fly in from New York and once from Atlanta when I lived there for the Central Avenue Jazz Festival. This year and last I have taken the bus and I don’t even have money to buy food or a bottle of water. Whereas before I would eat BBQ, Fish and then some Peach Cobbler.

I am happy I am at least able to still attend this event. Things could be worse, but by the grace of God they aren’t. The stage was in a different area this year. I think this was such a smart move. Before it was on a side street and it was pretty tight, but now it’s on Central Avenue and there is much more room to move around.

Central Avenue was packed from where the festival started to where it ended. Under the tent there were almost no seats and those that were empty were because people were in line to get food and water.

The crowd was very cool. More the 95% black and man did they look good. It’s always nice to see black people come together looking good and there is no trouble and it isn’t some funeral.

So many cool things happened for me. The first being, I saw my friend Barbara Calhon who works for the City of Los Angeles and she is also a Compton Councilwoman. She called my name out and we exchanged hugs and she asked me how things were going. She invited to speak in September for her homeless Veterans Stand-down. She also invited me to her retirement/birthday party in two weeks.

I met Barbara when I was about 20 years old and at the time I was volunteering for the Venice Arts and Crafts Festival. We later met again when I was in charge of the music for the Venice Arts and Crafts Festival and then she was the woman in charge for me for the HUGE black party I organized for the Oakwood Beautification Committee. Since then we’ve kept in touch.

I had the chance to speak with former Police Chief Bernard Parks who is running for a seat on the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors. He told me to contact his office on Monday and he would try to do what he could to help me and people like me.

The last person I had the chance to meet and speak with was the Honorable Maxine Waters who is the Congress Woman for Los Angeles. She too expressed that she would like to speak with me and find ways of doing more for people who are homeless and sick.

I was also given a contact person in Councilwoman’s Jan Perry’s office and told to contact them on Monday, so they can find better ways of serving homeless people like me. The lady happened to come up to me and start talking because she reads my blog and now I might have a chance to not just tell my story, but the stories of others I’ve had the pleasure of meeting over these past 17 and half months.

I feel that it has become mandatory that America fully understands homelessness and really knows that not only drug users, drunks and people with mental illness can be affected by it. Furthermore I think our government, local, state and national, need to do more then just talk about or offer a small fix for a huge problem.

Moreover churches also need to be more active and more involved with helping the homeless. And I don’t mean showing up places and forcing Christ and a stale bologna sandwich on people. We all need to be more responsive and my concerned about what is taking place right under our noses.

The gay community in my eyes have got to be the worse, when it comes to services for homeless gay men and women. The community that is always yelling equal rights and fairness is the last to offer any problems from homeless men and women who are gay. They simply refer them to missions and shelter where they have to deal with homophobia and might even get beaten up. If the some Americans have a hard time with gay men and women in the first place, what makes the gay and lesbian community think that simply because a gay man or woman is homeless they will have a better time in a community that is very hostile? I hear programs like APLA claim to do advocacy, but where is the advocacy for gay men and women?

Barbara Morrison was the last act for Saturday and man oh man, did she shut the house down. Folks were standing to their feet and dancing in both the aisles and in the street. Ms. Morrison got the crowd going when she invited them to do the “electric slide” with her and it was so cool to see Congress Woman Maxine Waters right there in the thick of it doing the slide right along with the rest of the people gathered on Central Avenue.

In all my Saturday was great. I had a great time listening to some awesome music, took a boat load of pictures and made some much needed contacts to help me in my fight for equality and justice for people who are homeless, low income and HIV positive. As the day winds down and I make my way back to skid row, I once again am encourage and recharged.

I plan to spend my Sunday going to Santa Monica to the main library. The one in Downtown LA, the Central Library is open on Sunday, but they always seem to have a HUGE problem with their wireless service and there never seems to be a real answer as to why. I am hoping that Santa Monica has fixed the problems they were having. I then might take in a movie since I have two free tickets.

Sunday (Universal City Walk and Stars on the red carpet)

It’s 10:51PM on Sunday, July 27, 2008 and it has been a good day. I had the chance to sleep in since I dint have much to do today other then take another day for myself. I slept until 8:30AM and was dressed and off Skid Row by 9:30AM. I have heard that there are so many awesome things to do down here in Downtown LA, but I have yet to find any and I wasn’t going to send the day doing that today.

As I do with most of my free time I took a train ride to see what I could discover. So I went as far as North Hollywood, but I soon discovered that it was far to hot and with no water I would tire very fast. I got back on the train and headed to Long Beach to see what I could discover on the beach there. It wasn’t too hot so I chilled down there for a bit and took some pictures.

I then got back on the train and came back to Downtown LA. I stopped into the Central Library only to discover that their internet connection was once again DOWN. I walked down to Skid Row by 4:15PM, just in time for the award winning dinner. YEAH RIGHT!!! I took one look at the slop being served and decided I would do better easting from a trash can. Don’t get me wrong. I am sure the meal was fine for most, but I wasn’t the only one who didn’t take the meal of refried beans, a slice of white bread, some pasta with tuna and broccoli mixed with ranch dressing and the ever present box of party punch.

“What’s this shit?” some woman asked.

“It’s dinner and you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.” The jailer replied.

“I didn’t ask for you smart ass mouth little boy. It was a simple question. Now if you have in brain left in the head after all that damn crack you smoked, you could have answered me. But you just too God damn dumb for that.” She snapped back

“Ma’am”

“Save it nigga. I am sick of this shit ya’ll bastards call food. Who paid for your fuckin pizza and if is was with money supposed to be spent on my damn food, then I wants two slices.”

This was rather funny to me. I have often seen people working in missions and shelters with far better meals then what is served to the “homeless” population. Since I know they too are homeless, I know they cant afford to eat out all the time. When the guy told her that the pizza was purchased and is for staff only, she went off. I don’t think there was one homeless person in the building that didn’t break out into laughter.

I took another shower and put on some “sink washed” clean clothes and headed to Universal City Walk. Since I have to free tickets for AMC or other theaters I thought it be cool to take in a flick. I’ve never been to City Walk, so I was looking forward to the trip.

Riding the train in pretty cool, now if they can only get it to run on time and go more places then it would be great. But it is what it is. METRO. The ride didn’t take long. I think I was in Universal City in about 20 or 30 minutes. It may have been faster.

One thing that I love about riding METRO is the stations themselves. Each station is ever different. The art in the underground stations is really good and each station reflects they area it is in. today was my first time in the Universal City station and just like the others it is very nice and you can tell a lot of thought and planning went into the art and layout of this station.

Like I said, I’ve never been to Universal City Walk before, so I had no idea what to expect. I was very surprised. It’s laid out very nice and it was very busy. I am it was even more busy today because they had the premier of the new Brandon Frazier movie. I was able to get some pictures of the start on the red carpet as he talked to different media outlets.

It’s funny how growing up here in Los Angeles has made me unaware and uninterested in celebrities. At the end of the day, they are just people and I don’t care which one is screwing the other or who has on panties. But since so many people ask me if I see celebrities and if I could post their pictures, I made a point to try to get a few pictures of Brandon. Motion pictures and TV really makes people look damn good.

Brandon had his team following him from stop to stop, making sure his face wasn’t shinny and that all that makeup on his face wasn’t melting from the hot sun. It was rather funny how at each stop the interviewers would have to wait while he was primped for his “close up”

“Oh my God, he is so good looking. I want to have him now” this guy said to his friend.

“James, you know I him and I don’t want to think about him being with another man” she says back.

“Well honey, it’s too late. I know he’s gay.”

“How do you know this?” she asked

“Yeah how do you know this?” I turn around and ask.

“Well he slept with this guy who was dating this guy that I use to date.” He said

I turned around and went back to taking pictures. I am sure you know how the story goes. I have this friend, of a friend who knows the gardener on the lady who does his mother’s 3rd cousins hair.

I took a few more pictures and then headed over to AMC where I got a ticket to see “HellBoy” starting at 6:20PM. I rushed into the theater because it was already 6:25PM. When I reached theater 6, the movie hadn’t started. I found a seat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat until 6:45PM.

“My I have your attention please. We are having a problem with the projection for this film, so this showing of HellBoy will not take place. Please follow me to the customer service counter and I will give you a ticket for another movie or another showing of HellBoy.”

A few people thre things in his direction and others were clearly upset by what he just said.

“This is the third time this has happened today. What the hell is you problem?”

“I don’t have a problem and you can leave. You don’t have to com to this theater.”

“Can we get our money back?” another person yells

“I can offer you free ticket to come see a movie another time. That is all I can offer you.”

“I came to this movie at this time because it works for me and my family. If you can’t get the movie to play then I want the money I paid for 8 tickets back.”

“I’m sorry but I am not authorized to give money back.”

“You’re giving us our money back or there will be trouble” another person yells

“Could everyone please follow me to the customer service counter please?” he says as he walks out.

Once I reach the counter thee is already a huge line and the lady who paid for 8 tickets is in the front. As I walk toward the counter I could see she was demanding her money back. Right as I got close enough to hear another person stepped up.

“Ma’am it is our policy not to refund money. I can get you tickets for another show on another day that works for you and your family. I will even give you hotdogs, popcorn, candy and soda on the house.”

“That doesn’t work for me. I want my money back” she replies as she reaches into her purse and makes a call.

“Please step to the side Ma’am” she is told

“I am not stepping to the side. You’re not done servicing me.” she replies

Not two minutes pass and two LA County Sheriff’s walk to the counter.

The lady begins to tell them what happened and the guys behind the counter tell their story. The lady reaches into her purse again and pulls out her wallet and as it turns out, she too is a police officer, only for LAPD.

“I asked you nicely for my money back. I am done asking. Give me my damn money back now. I know the law and you need to open that drawer and give me my money back and anyone else who asks for their money will get it back or I will place you under arrest for theft.”

The other officers said nothing, but looked at the men behind the counter like they had better get to work. By this time there was a huge crowd gathering around the counter and people were yelling that they wanted their money back.

The drawer opened and she was given all her money back and so were most of the people from the theater 6. It was rather funny to watch how she stood to the side and waited until everyone was through the line. Including me, making sure they had no problems getting their money back.

When everyone had come through the line, she asked for the general managers’ name and number. She also asked for the corporate phone number and address. By this pint the guy at the drawer was very cooperative and didn’t put up a fight at all. However this asnt the case for his co-worker.

“Ma’am I can assure you this will not happen again. We are sorry for the trouble we’ve caused and it will be handled.”

“I know it will. Now give me what I asked you for right now. I am not going to ask you again.” This time she said it in a very firm voice and he did just what he was told.

I got a ticket for another showing of HellBoy for 7:30PM I had about 15 minutes to kill so I headed out to City Walk to get more pictures before the movie started.

HellBoy was a bore. If you haven’t seen it, save your money. I was hoping for some action packed Super Hero movie and it wasn’t. I t was some sappy movie with lame plot that even tried to mix in a love story between beauty and the beast. It took everything in me not to walk our, but I did nod off twice.

The trailers for the movies were great. I see Mr. George Lucus has done another Star Wars movie and this one is unlike any other. For the first time ever I think I might see a Star Wars movie in the theater.

When the movie ended I made my way out of City Walk to the tram and then to the Metro Red Line back to Downtown LA, where I would walk through people sleeping on the streets, drug dealers doing their nightly business with the crack monsters from the streets and those that live in the high priced lofts. It’s always funny to me when I see white people come out of one of the lofts and make a bee line for skid row to buy weed and other supplies only to return to their safe high priced loft unaffected by all the people walking around like zombies and those sleeping right at their feet.

Once at the hotel I go through the regular routine. I ask for my room key and they ask why I don’t have a voucher and I reply I don’t know. They reply with make sure you get one on Monday or we will throw you out. A

“Yeah, yeah, you said that last night. Now give me my key…….please”

I make my way over to the elevator that smells of rat shit and piss and head to the 4th floor. Tonight the floor smell like someone has taken a shit in the hallway and just as I pass the two metal trash cans in the hall next to the men’s shower room, I see bed sheets that are filled with shit sitting on the floor.

I turn left, make my way down the hall and stick my key into the door of my room, where I am greeted by cockroaches crawling in the floor on the bed and in and out of the trash can. I walk across the hall and ask my neighbor if I can barrow some of his roach spray. He hands me a can and says. “I got this one for you”

I leave the door open and begin to spray the room like I am some type of “ghost buster” or something. The roaches start running and coming out from all over the place. The guy stands behind me and tells me to spray a barrier around my bed and since I don’t use the drawers to spay in them as well.

He then gives me some boric acid and tells me to put it in the windowsill as well as along the baseboards and the gap between the door and the floor.

“That should keep these nasty mutha fuckas out of here for a few days. These fuckin roaches down here treat this raid and boric acid like crack. It makes them stronger.” We both laugh.

“I see you got your mattress wrapped in plastic. You got bed bugs or something?”

“Yes I do.” I reply

“That there is a old time trick to get rid of them fuckas. Who told you to do that?”

“This old lady on the bus and she told me to get some tide with bleach to wash all my clothes and to do it at least three times.”

“Yeah, she know what she was talking bout. You stay here too long you gonna start getting this shit I got.” He lifts his shirt and shows me five really bad looking Staph Infections in his back and two more on his leg.

“Don’t let no one tell you they come from being dirty either. I the cleanest fucker in tis place and I still keeps getting them. My doctor told me its from all the bites and sit I was getting from the fucking bed bugs and flies and all the kind of mess. Everyone on this damn floor has Staph.”

“Thanks for telling me and thanks for helping me get the bugs out of my room. Can I ask how long you been here?”

“I’ve lived in downtown all my life, but on skid row for about three years. Was on the streets two years until I was able to get into this place. I am so damn old now, that I might as well be dead, but God is good.”

“All the time” I reply as he starts to laugh

“And all the time.”

“God is good.” I reply as I laugh with him

“Amen son. I am Mr. Jones. You get some rest. Bugs won’t fuck with you tonight. You do all you can to get your ass from down here. Peoples come here to give up and die and you still got some life left in ya. Get far away from this lace as you can.”

“Thanks Mr. Jones. You have a nice night.” I said

I left my door open a little while longer, brushed my teeth and washed my face. Got my things ready for Monday, said my prayers and went to bed.

Housing Shuffle, Earthquakes and LAPD Beating homeless people on skid row.

Posted by Kengi on July 29, 2008 at 8:32pm

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:31AM

I’ve been up since 6:00AM. I went for my morning walk to try to clear my head and prepare myself for the day I have in front of me. I also wanted to take time to give thanks for yet another day God has blessed me with. Make no mistake about me or my life, I know I am still blessed and I still have the favor of God. Despite all I am going through.

Nana us to say “you need to go through some things before you are able to understand some things.” She was so right. Having spent the last 17and half months of my life homeless and the last four months HIV positive, I have learned things about myself I never knew were possible. Tools that were taught to me, the home training and the amazing love I received from two incredible parents has been a major part of my survival through this. Add to this my faith in God and the belief that he will bring me through this as pure gold, I am unmovable, unbreakable and unstoppable. For greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world.

I will meet with Earnest at 8:00AM and get the “sealed file” and take it over to the Housing Authority. I am not sure what the process will be there or how long it will take. I’ve just prepared myself to be there for a while. Once I am through with this stage I once again will go into a holding pattern until the unit is inspected by Housing Authority. Technically this should only take a day or two, but since I am dealing with a Government run organization it could take weeks, even a month or more. Again the ball will be out of my hands and I can only pray that it lands on the desk of someone with some large work ethic.

I will be taking the Red Line to the Westlake Station and then walk past the part up Wilshire to the Housing Authority. I will take pictures along the way and I have plan to make a video as well.

11:45AM

I’ve taken some videos of how my day has gone so far. If I were someone with a drug problem or a drinking problem I would be both drunk and high as a kite right now. I understand why people are drunk and high, i understand why people take matters into their own hands. I understand why people simply give up.

OMG we just had an earthquake!!!!. The building just started shaking and then began to shift back and fourth. It lasted about 20 seconds and then stopped. WOW. We are now being told we have to leave the building. I will have to pick this up later.

7:16PM

WOW, it was a 5.4 earthquake that struck near the Los Angeles suburb of Chino Hills just before noon today, causing strong shaking and a power outage but just minor damage. The quake was felt from Arizona to Nevada.
The epicenter of the quake was located about 28 miles east-southeast of Los Angeles city center and 8.5 miles deep beneath the Earth’s surface, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.
Nearly 50 aftershocks have been recorded so far, most of them small, said the USGS, the largest being a magnitude 3.8 temblor.

All homeless residence that now occupy the old hotels, now called SRO’s were evacuated for safety reasons. Most were able to return to their rooms with two hours. However it is still unclear if the residents housed in the Weingart Center would be able to return. It was reported that there was what appeared to be a crack in the building. When I left skid row around 2:30PM residents from the center still hadn’t been cleared to go back into the building.

I am not sure how many people the building sleeps, but I am sure it is over 300 people. This isn’t to mention the medical clinic and other vital services located in the building that serves skid row’s residence and homeless people as well.

HOUSING

After my meeting at the Housing Authority I was told by Ron Clark that it could take up to 8 weeks, maybe even longer before I am able to move into the unit that I was told was available over a month ago. He informed me that it wasn’t my concern how long the process took. He went on to tell me that the process doesn’t affect me and I don’t need to concern myself with it.

This is where Mr. Ron Clark is wrong. The unwillingness to move this process along has a great affect on my. As far as HIV is concerned it causes a huge amount of stress and sleepless nights because I have no idea where I am going to be sleeping the next night. In addition I am also required to fill out papers over and over again because they have expirations dates. Lastly I have to miss medical appointments when I am told I need to be in some office to fill out papers or go to another office to meet with someone.

Most of all, my cancer treatments are now on hold until I am in housing. I can’t afford to go 8 weeks without treating my cancer. I’ve already had to miss so many appointments which have placed me in much worse medical condition then I should be in. But according to Mr. Ron Clark, the slow, long drawn out process isn’t my concern.
Moreover he told me there is no guarantee that I will even get the unit. Having heard him say this right to my face and then look down at me and point to the door made me want to knock the shit out of his monkey looking ass.
You mean I have spent all this time on skid row and I might not even get the unit? I’ve been dealing with walking through the area where I’ve had a gun in my face only to have some idiot from the Los Angeles Housing Authority tell me that I have been doing all this work for nothing?

From there I left and headed over to APLA. I wanted to make sure my case manager had a copy of the paper that was given to me to show that I have done all that I am required to do and now the ball is in the hands of someone who could give a shit about me. I also wanted to ask what advocacy does APLA office for gay men and women living with HIV/AIDS that are homeless. I have to tell you that I wasn’t surprised when I was told they offer no services. They do however have housing case managers in house and have received grants for their housing services, but all they do is refer homeless gay men and women with or without HIV/AIDS down to skid row. One of the most homophobic and anti gay places in Los Angeles. How’s that for advocacy?

After leaving APLA I was reminded of something I already knew the entire time. Navigating homelessness and now HIV is something I will have to do on my own. I can not count of organizations like the Gay and Lesbian Center, nor APLA, Minority Aids Project, Aid for Aids, Aids Service Center or any other organization in or out of the gay and lesbian community.

I need to continue to fight and work harder and raise my voice a little bit louder and sound the alarm that much more, if I am going to bring about change in a system like this and I am going to have to do it alone.
Once back down on skid row I attended a press conference for the police beating of a homeless man on skid row a few days ago. They also talked about the woman who was nearly chocked to death by police on skid row. She too was homeless. The man who was issued a beating was taken to an area hospital, but no one knows what has become of him.

I spent some time getting to know some local community activist in the Downtown area and now I am clear that my work must continue for homeless people and people who have to endure such abuses from the government that is supposed to serve and protect them.

After see the beating on the networkcan youtube channel and after speaking with people who’ve had to endure police abuse, I was so sad and upset. I made my way off skid row and headed to Being Alive where I did the painting in the pictures with this post. I also got my first pieces fired and I was very happy they made it without cracking. Tomorrow I will glaze them.

If you would like to see the youtube video of the police beating the homeless man. Please go to my network htt://projectkengikat.ning.com and view it in the video section of the network. You can also see other videos of the police abusing low income and homeless people on skid row, by going to the youtube channel that video tapes the police (LAPD) in action. Just do a search on youtube for networkcan.

Tuesday Night

• Posted by Kengi on July 31, 2008 at 3:08am

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 10:15PM

I left the Beverly Hills Library at 8:55PM. It was a short walk over to Santa Monica Boulevard where I took the Metro 16 to Downtown LA, 6th and Main. I don’t think I’ve ever taken this bus in the day time. This is only my second time taking it at night. I really glad I got on the bus tonight.

Two stops after I got on the bus, the older black lady got on. Right away I knew she was homeless. Not because of what she was wearing or how she looked or smelled, all that was fine. I could tell from the look in her eyes.

She sat on the seat in front of me. This seat faces sideways, so I was able to get a be look at her. Looking at her I would have guessed her to be in maybe her 50’s or 60’. I was very wrong. She was 82 years old and has been homeless for 5 years now.

When she sat down, she opened the back bag she had with her. She very carefully looked through the bottom of the bag until she found what she was looking for. When her hand came out, she had a sandwich in it and as she zipped the bag closed she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.

“You doing alright this evening son?” she asked in a very low voice.

“Yes Ma’am. Are you doing alright?”

“Well baby I am here, so I guess that will have to do. God saw ft to give me another day and I will rejoice and be glad in it.” She replied.

“I agree one hundred percent.”

“I am so hungry. I had to break down and send my last little bit of change to get this here on piece of sandwich. I just couldn’t go another minute without eating something.” She told me as she held the sandwich in her hand and began to carefully unwrap it.

“It looks like a great sandwich too. That should fill you up quit nice.”

“It isn’t much. I wanted a fresh one, but food stamps don’t allow me to buy fresh food. So I have to settle for this. I am thankful for it though.”

She started to eat her sandwich and then she began to talk to me. She just opened up to me like I was someone she had known her entire life. This is how I found out how old she was and it’s how I found out for sure that she was homeless. She keeps what’s left of her things near the Civic Center Metro Station. She says they are safe there with other homeless ladies who look after each other.

She spoke of the place where she sleeps just like it was an apartment and a house. I know where she sleeps is outside, but that is all she has right now and I wasn’t going to correct her and say something as silly as “do you sleep outside”

She told me a little about her life and how she came to live here in California. She talked about her husband who died almost 7 years ago and how she spent off the money they had saved trying to take care of herself and pay the large amount medical bills from caring from him and then the huge amount it took to give him a decent funeral.

My body and heart was shaking as she told me the story of how she had to take care of the only man she ever loved and then stand by helplessly and watch him die, day by day. She spoke of the pain her heart still feels to this day just talking about it and thinking about.

“I’ve forgotten what he sounds like. What he feels like and since I no longer have any pictures I am starting to forget what he looks like.” She said as she began to stop the tears from exiting her eyes. That was too for. My face was already covered in tears.

While she was telling me how hard it was for her to see her husband die, I thought of my Pops and how I could only watch my Daddy die. How no matter what I did I want able to be of much comfort to him. I cried because I know what it is like to take care of someone and then find yourself on the street, sick yourself and no one to turn to.

I asked a question I know the answer to but I wanted to here it from here. “why don’t you go to a shelter or one of the missions to get housing?”

“Those places aren’t safe. I am safer in an alley, then in them places. Besides, those people don’t give a damn about me. They just want their papers signed so they can collect some money for doing nothing.”

Like many other homeless people I have come into contact with who are over the age of 50, she tells me it is too late for her. She said she wouldn’t take a place now if they offered it to her, because she doesn’t want to get use to something that willonly be taken away from her because she forgot to cross a t on the application or someone wakes “with a bugger up their ass”

We talked for a while and right before we got to her stop she reached into her bag and pulled out three bags of chips. “Pick the one you like baby.”

“Oh no Ma’am, I cant take your food.” I said

“You aint taken nothing. I’m giving it to you, now pick the one you want.” She said this very firmly.

I took the Lays BBQ and told her thank you.

She began to softly sing a song that I am very familiar with. “Let us bow round the alter.” While she got her things ready to get off the bus. I tried to help her to the door, but she wouldn’t have it. I was told to sit down. She said good night, thanked the driver and got off the bus.

“Be safe Mary and I will see you tomorrow night.” The bus driver said

The song she was singing

Let us bow round the altar
On our knees
Let us bow round the altar
On our knees
When I fall on my knees
With my face to the raising sun
Oh, Oh Lord have mercy
On me

Wednesday. “day to relax”

• Posted by Kengi on July 31, 2008 at 3:48am

Wednesday July 30, 2008

I woke up this morning at around 4:00AM. This was the third time I had to get up. I had three nose bleeds and I was coughing blood. I wasn’t going to call for the paramedic because I knew they would only take me to the hospital and they would tell me that there was noting wrong with me. So I just did the best I could to stop the bleeding.

By 7:00AM I was on my way to my doctors and then I was taken to the hospital. I was there from 7:45AM until 11:00AM. My doctors ran some test and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding internally. Once I got the green light I left the hospital and right away I decided to have a day to myself.

I made my way over to Being Alive and I finished the painting I started yesterday and then I worked n glazing the things came out from the first firing. I glazed my “breathe” project as well as the pinch pot and duck bowl. I spent the entire day at Being Alive and I felt great.

It isn’t often that I am able to take a day off and just Do Something for myself. I am always running all over town keeping medical appointments, meeting with people for housing options, getting papers I filled out the week before resigned and dated because they’ve now expired or meeting with a case manger or social worker. Today that wasn’t going to happen. I need a break from the day to day crap and I was entitled to it.

It felt good to just do something that I enjoy and thanks to Being Alive I was able to paint and work on some pottery projects that I am very proud of. I also got to spend some time talking with Allen and I also met someone who shared with me that he too is homeless and is dealing with a bunch of crap. He was very surprised when I told him I had some understanding about what he is going through. it was cool to be able to be of encourage to him and offer him some advice based of things I’ve hade to deal with and offer him some suggestions and advice on what he could do.

I left Being Alive at 6:00PM and started making my way over to the Hollywood Bowl. I had two tickets that were given to me by Being Alive and I was meeting my friend Natalie there. The line up was awesome The Hank Jones Trio and the Gerald Williams Orchestra. Can you say HOT?

I had the pleasure of seeing the Gerald Wilson Orchestra last Saturday at the Central Jazz Festival and I was so blow away by them and the amazing sound that came from that stage. I live JAZZ and it isn’t anything like Kenny G or the Wave Radio. I’m talking Ella, Louie, Dizzy, The Count and other Jazz greats like the ones on stage tonight at the Hollywood Bowl.

Once again I was blown away by the sound. The Hank Jones Trio played straight ahead and then Gerald Wilson and his orchestra too the stage and played all sorts of old school funky jazz. They shut it down and I was so happy to be able to attend.

This was my first time ever inside the Hollywood Bowl. I had three chances to perform on the stage at the Bowl, but each time I was sick and had to miss the performance. I was simply in ah of the place. If you’ve been to the Bowl, then you know exactly what I am talking about, the sound and the entire experience is just awesome.

Since the place where I am staying at on skid row was sprayed in the afternoon for bugs and I didn’t want to take a risk of having it upset my allergies, I called my friend Kimarie and asked if I could crash with her tonight.

Today I took a person day for me to relax and recharge, tonight I took more time for me by taking in some awesome Jazz at the Hollywood Bowl and then ended it with my friends Kimarie and Daniel.

It’s now 3:38AM on Thursday and I’ve had a great day.

Celebration for my Pops with two jazz legends

• Posted by Kengi on July 31, 2008 at 6:40pm

“He’s an on time God” is what I remember hearing my Nana say. As a kid a never knew what this meant, but now that I am no longer a child I fully understand what she meant.

Birthday Celebration for my Pops with two jazz legends he loved, who are celebrating their 90th birthdays. What a treat for me.

Pops would have been 80 years old yesterday. I almost forgot it was his birthday. I am so busy with the things that are taking place in my in my life that I had almost allowed the day go by without thanking and praising God for the awesome who helped give me life in the first place.

This past weekend I was able to see the Gerald Wilson Orchestra at the Central Jazz Festival here in Los Angeles and I was so blown away by them. The first time I saw Gerald Wilson perform was when I was 10 years old. My Pops treated me to the concert and from the very first time seeing this man and hearing the amazing sound produced by his orchestra.

It’s been 5 years since I’ve seen him perform. So it was a real blessing to see him for free at the Central Jazz Festival. His smile and grace still lit of the stage and his command of the orchestra in my eyes is still unmatched by any conductor or band leader.

The sound I remember as a kid and while growing up, has only gotten that much better with time. I was in so amazed by the skills and craftsmanship this orchestra displays while they perform. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of “real jazz” music or not. You will love this man and his orchestra. You will also know that Kenny G doesn’t play Jazz music and neither does 94.7 the Wave Radio Station.

Last night I was blessed to see Mr. Wilson and his awesome Orchestra once again. I had the pleasure of going to the Hollywood Bowl with tickets that were given to me by Being Alive LA. Since my friend Natalie is always treating me to Jazz events and paid concerts I invited her to enjoy this night with me.

I was in for such a surprise. I knew I was going to see Gerald Wilson and that awesome orchestra, but I had failed to look at the ticket to see that I would also get treated to yet another jazz great. Mr. Hank Jones and his trio were performing as well. Mr. Jones is yet another performer that my Pops took me to see as a kid.

Joining this two amazing men on state was a host of talent. Kenny Burrell, Roberta Gambarini, Christian McBride who also hosted the event. The great Nancy Wilson was scheduled to perform, but her husband is very sick and she was at his bed side. She sent her best wishes to both men.

“Hank and Gerald 90 + 90” Yeah that’s right both men are celebrating their 90th birthdays and they did so in grand style. The night took on such a powerful meaning for me, because last night would have been my Pops 80th birthday and I was so moved by just being in the place where the two men Pops introduced me to and took me to see were performing to for a packed house to celebrate their birthdays.

There was point in the program where Mr. Wilson’s son performed a brand new never performed piece he wrote for his Father in honor of him called “Virgo” because his Father is a Virgo. I was so touch and moved by what he said about his Father and how they would listen to jazz while his Father drove him to school and how he saw how much that music touched and moved his Father.

My eyes began to water because I knew just what he was talking about. Pops use to play jazz in the car with me as he drove me to school and I also saw how jazz seemed to just take over his soul. Maybe this is why I love jazz music to this day. When the song started I was in full ball session.

“Kengi, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Natalie asked me

“Nothing is wrong Natalie. I am celebrating my Pops. Just celebrating my Pops”

As a child I had many opportunities to perform on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. But each time I would be too sick from my Sickle Cell that I would have to miss the performance. While in college I had yet another chance and this time cancer would prevent me from performing there.

Last night was my first time ever inside the Hollywood Bowl and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate what would have been the 80th birthday of my Pops, then with two jazz legends that my Pops loved as they celebrated their 90th birthdays.

It doesn’t get any sweeter then this people. I got to wish my Pops a Happy Birthday and celebrate birthday’s of two amazing jazz legends that my Pops adored.

As we walked out of the Hollywood Bowl and made our way back to the place where Natalie had parked I turned and looked at Natalie and said.

“Even in the midst of homelessness, cancer, Sickle Cell and HIV, I still have the favor of God and my life is still richly blessed.”

“You got that right brutha man. Amen and Amen to that.” She said as we both started to laugh.

I’ve never had the chance to morn my Pops. Homelessness hit me right in the face shortly after he died. Last night I was able to morn him doing so much together. Kicking back and listening to some awesome jazz music. I cried and said my so longs to my Pops and I heard his voice tell me just how proud he is of me and he will always be proud of me no matter what. I could hear his voice tell me to remain the strong man he helped to raise and to continue fighting for what I know to be right. I heard my Pops tell me he loved me and I was able to let him go.

Blogs from 2008 (June 15-30)

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

I will fight for what I have left.

• Posted by Kengi on June 15, 2008 at 4:30pm

• 

  The other night I had such a hard time getting into the Union Rescue Mission even though I had a bed ticket. I was refused a bed, simply because someone was on a power trip. The Union Rescue Mission is located right in the heart of Skid Row, in fact I would go so far as to say that the URM is the pulse of Skid Row. Once you take one step outside its doors on San Julian Street there is nothing but chaos all around. Prostitution, drug sales, fights and all else take place right at the steps of the URM. Some of it even takes place right in the courtyard restroom.

  For anyone to be refused a bed for any reason when they have a bed ticket can be very deadly. I have been in many fights for my backpack and its contents. The night I was told to leave was no difference. I was one block up the street and around the corner when one guy pointed me out and then two guys began to follow me. One stayed very close behind me while the other acted like they weren’t even together. He took to getting in front of me and walking slightly ahead, while the other moved in closer. I may have been tired and worn down from my cancer treatment, but I wasn’t about to allow these two niggas get anything less then a complete ass kicking if they tried to take my shit.

  I was already in such a bad mood from once again being told to leave the URM even though I had a bed ticket. I was sick and fucking tired of people in charge telling me “I am sorry Kengi, this wont happen again.” Well it did happen again and once again all I got was a fucking “I am sorry” Now I am about to have to fight some dumb ass nigga for my shit because they want to get high and see me and my backpack as an easy target. Fuck that, somebody is going to get hurt and I wont be me.

  “S’up man?” the first guy passing me says. This may have been to distract me from the goon right behind me.

  “S’up” I said as I got a good look from the corner of my eye as to how far the other guy was behind me. I started moving toward the edge of the the sidewalk, where there is more light. If I went the other way I would be pinned against metal gates that protect shops that were now closed. Plus it is much darker in that area of the sidewalk.

  As I moved toward the edge of the sidewalk the guy in front of me began to slow down and the one behind me started walking faster. I stopped and turned sideways so I could see both of them. Both my fists were balled up and I was ready to fight. This is when the first squad car came to the corner. The guy in front began walking and the other guy moved toward the darker side of the sidewalk. I looked into the police car and started walking again. If I could make it to the next corner there is plenty of light there, so that became my plan. Make it from one dark corner to the next lit one without getting hit by either of them.

  Right before I made it to the next corner the guy behind me made his move. He ran up behind me and tried to sucker punch me.

  “chu got in there nigga?” he said as he tried to hit me in the head with a can of soda.

  Saying nothing I turned and socked him right in the mouth and he went down. “Fuck you” and don’t try to fuck me again” I kicked him right in his face.

  The other guy was facing me at this point, but wasn’t coming toward me. “You want some of this too nigga?” I asked as I started walking toward him.

  “Naw, man I am cool dog.” he replies.

  I move toward the edge of the sidewalk again and I walk into the cross walk. I see four guys standing on the other side so I move toward the street and once slightly past them I glance behind me and then start walking a bit faster, because I am too tired to hit someone else and this park of the street is dark. I soon start running.

  “Get that punk” is what I hear as the guy I punched in the mouth and kicked in the face is saying as he begins to walk in my direction about half a block back. I turn and run for the underground. As I get there, three Latino men ask me why I am running. I don’t know if they are trying to help or just more goons for the fight. I push past them and keep running. I get to the escalator and that’s when I here them clash with the black guys. I kept running into the station and down to the platform. It is nearly empty when I get there, but enough white people for there to be a strong police presence there. I make sure I get to a position where I am close enough to whites not to make them nervous and in plain view of the six cops on the platform.

  I see the Latino guys coming down the escalator and my heart begins to race even faster. I turn to make sure the cops and the white people are still very close and I just let my arms fall to my side, but very much in a position to where I could defend myself if I needed to.

  “Yo, you alright homie?” one of them ask me.

  “Yeah, I’m cool dude.” I say

  They sit near me on the train and even though they seem to be cool I am still a bit concerned. I get off at the Vermont and Wilshire station and as I do one of them hold out his hand. I reach out and shake it.

  “Be careful homes, those fools were going to beat your ass.” One says

  “Good looking out fellas. I owe you one.” I say as I exit.

  As the train pulls off I turn to look back and all the guys are giving me the peace sign, I throw the peace sign back and make my way up the escalator.

  

  Once up top I see where Andy Bales has called me several times. I call him to tell him I didn’t get in and I also told him I had to fight to get off skid row and I wasn’t going back. I told him I was tired of fighting and tired of this entire thing. I hung up and turned my phone off. I jumped onto the 720 and was headed for Santa Monica. I got off at Bundy and went to the Ralph’s to get some water and something to eat. This is where I turn my cell back on and I have text messages and voicemail from Andy. I call him again and he offeres to pick me up an return me to the mission. After some thought and consideration, I take him up on the offer because I am tired and I really need to rest. I meet him on the corner of Wilshire and Westwood.

  

  I get back to the mission. Talk with Greg and the guy who threw me out. I get my new bed and I fall right to sleep. But now I can’t help but think that I will really have to watch my back now because of the fight I had just had.

  I hate to fight, but I will not allow anyone to take things that are mine. I’ve lost too much already and at this point, there is nothing more I am willing to let go of. I will fight for everything I have left, even if that means I must die for it. NOBODY is taking one more fucking thing from me.

Only a matter of time

• Posted by Kengi on June 16, 2008 at 5:12pm

This weekend was a pretty relaxing time for me. I was able to hang out with Natalie on Friday evening before I had my doctors’ appointment. We took in some Jazz at LACMA. Once again it was awesome. I then went to my appointment and after that I went to Natalie’s place where I was able to rest for a bit then she took me to dinner before dropping me off at the mission.

Once again when I got to my bed and was sleeping I had a really bad allergy attack. I woke again with a swollen face and eyes that were also swollen closed. My allergies have gotten so bad that simply taking one over the county Claritn will not do the trick. I need to take at least four in order for the swelling to do down and the itching to go away. I know this isn’t good for me health wise, but walking around not being able to see or having hives and itchy eyes is also no good. So I simply do what I can.

Nose bleeds have also been a major problem. I am now having at least three nose bleeds per day. At time the nose bleeds last for more then 10 minutes and once they are done I have dizziness and I feel as if I am going to pass out. This is around the time I black out or collapse.

I spent Sunday with Tina and Andy. We went to Pasadena for the Italian Chalk Festival. It was pretty cool, but I was also very worn out and drained. I did want to spend some time with friends and I didn’t want my health issues, housing issues or anything else stand in the way. So I took 12 extra strength Tylenol and 6 Imodium to deal with the deal and constant visits to the toilet, many of which I no longer make.

The art work was awesome and the company was even better. Even though many times during the day I had a very hard time standing and there were times I could barely see, I didn’t complain because I didn’t want to ruin the awesome time I was having and I didn’t want Tina and Andy to worry about me. I also didn’t want to be taken to yet another hospital emergency room where I know they don’t give a fuck about me or any medical ills I may have.

I had dinner with Tina and Andy and I even got to help with the cooking. I spent in major pain, but managed to smile the entire time and I think I made it through the night without breaking into tears from the pain I am always in. After dinner Tina and Andy drove me back to the mission and I was able to get right to bed.

The night at the mission wasn’t an easy one. While I did get in with no problem the wacko in the bunk next to mine yelled and screamed all night about there being bugs and roaches in his bed ad one him. When security and Willard came to inspect, there were no such things in the area. He then let out burst of faggot and son of bitch to the buy in the bunk just to next to his. That’s when a fight almost broke out. This went on all night and nothing was done about it.

This morning was even worse, two guys two bunks over from me got into a loud argument over the fact that one of them smelled and the other said it was the clothes of the other person. This went on for over 15 minutes and there were the standard “I am going to kick your ass” exchanges and the occasional charging of one another. Again, no security was called and no action was taken.

If you are wondering how safe I feel sleeping inside the mission, then I will tell you this. I feel safer sleeping on the street. Sleeping inside is very dangerous, you never know who or how many people will jump you at once. You never know if someone will seal your things when you get up to use the restroom and you don’t know if the items you sleep with are clean, nor do you know if all sorts of bugs will not invade your sleeping space once you’re fast asleep. You never know if you will awake to find that you are being attacked by some sick fuck who thinks you took his candy or to find that your face is badly swollen from all the crusty, musty, stale, gross air that you intake into your body all night long. I have had more allergy outbreaks, more sore throats, more rashes and bites then I have ever had sleeping in the mission then to the times I sleep on the street. But since I am homeless and I have no right to complain I simply keep my mouth shut.

MONDAY

I got up today and I got in line for the Weingart Center Medical. I wanted to see if doctor would sign my papers for me to complete my housing application. I was once again turned away by security and I wont seek help from them again. I am sure they would have done about as much if not less then what Harbor UCLA has already done. I got a call from Akiliah and I had to come pick up her paper that I thought would be turned in last week. But since I wasn’t available for a signature I didn’t know I needed to provide, they too are now into the second week.

Once leaving the mission I headed over to USC Medical Center. USC is where I went to school and it is the largest and one of the leading place for HIV/AIDS research in the world and it is the largest provider if HIV/AIDS treatment to people of color (BLACKS) so with this is mind I made my way over there.

I had a very hard time sleeping last night and this isn’t the first night this has taken place. I’ve been having really bad dreams for about a week now and sine then I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep or staying asleep. Last night I slept for about four hours and I’ve been unable to sleep since then. It’s 8:30AM on Saturday the 28th right now. I should be getting ready for this free Jazz concert that I am going to in Watts.

My stomach has been in knots for about a week now and my stools are back to being very watery and when I have t go I have to go. Twice I haven’t made it, but thanks to underwear Natalie purchased for me, I’ve been able to only have to throw away underwear and not pants.

Yesterday was such a great day. I got to speak with my good friend and former boyfriend who I dated for 11 years, I also had a very productive day at APLA with Tiana. My friend Jo even had the time to sit with me through most of my meeting with Tiana at APLA. After we left Jo treated me to lunch and I was able to really share some things that I haven’t been able to share with anyone. Things about the passing of my Pops and what it was like for me the last year of his life as well as the last few weeks of his life. This is something I haven’t had time to think about or even shed a tear over. I also got to talk about how I have protected Ma from all that is going on with me. Since she is so sick, I don’t share what is going on with me and now that she no longer lived close enough to me to even have a clue, I don’t get to see her that much. After lunch Jo and I met with me my friend Natalie over at LACMA for Jazz. Once again it was great and it was very cool to be able to introduce Natalie to someone I have known since 7th grade, but have been out of contact with since we graduated high school in 1987. It was so awesome and felt very natural to just hang out with Jo the nervousness I felt at first all went away as soon as I saw her face and her smile and felt her hug.

By all accounts I should be able to sleep. I mean I have a place to at least sleep, although it isn’t permanent it’s better then the streets and far better then Skid Row. However, all this week I really haven’t been myself. Even my picture taking has changed. I always have my camera with me, but I am no longer taking it out as much as I did before. I guess it is safe to say that I am very concerned about everything.

I’ve always been in control of everything in my life and now I am not. I am depending on people for everything. I have no choice. It’s hard to find a job, when you don’t know where you will be sleeping. In the words of Scott Rowland from ASC, “everything is temporary……you may be here for a week and there for two days” I’ve never planned my life to be “temporary” and with what’s been going on for the past 16 and have months that’s exactly how things have been. “Tempory” When I hear employees of agencies so things like “nothing is permanent, it’s all temporary” this sends a clear message to me that I am very much alone on all of this and very much going to ave to get through this alone.

It was awesome meeting with Tiana on yesterday (Friday), I feel like together we were able to get so much done in way of getting the ball moving. However, everything we set into motion is now no longer in my hands or hers. We are now waiting for people to call back, waiting for forms to be faxed and signed and then hope they wont expire prior to me getting the service that I need. One of the key things I have really respected and enjoyed about working with Tiana so far is that she is HONEST and puts everything on the table. She tells me the way things are and doesn’t give false hope like she is some miracle worker like others have done. For example, Scott Rowland from ASC told me that having HIV is “great” and a “blessing” because I was now speaking to him. But what was he able to set into motion for me. NOTHING, did he tell me about any other housing options like those Tiana and I went over. NO. He simply pushed Skid Row and when I asked about other agencies his response was “I don’t think you will survive that place.” Of the numbers he gave me to call I have only gotten a call back from who and they told me that Scott needed to make that call, they also asked if I had filled out their paperwork already. “I can tell you Mr. Carr that this is why the other places haven’t called you back. They wont call you back. You must be referred to these programs. Your case manager must call and Scott knows this.”

So this is just part of the reason I haven’t been able to get much sleep, when I feel so uneasy about things and why I don’t trust anything that comes out of someone’s mouth until I have the service in hand. It’s been 16 and half months of people not telling the truth, not doing what they are PAID to do and then everything falls on me. I am not the only homeless person dealing with these issues and I will not call them a road block, because I can get around a road block, but DEAD ENDS are just that. DEAD ENDS.

The other reason is HIV. HIV has been a complete nightmare for me, from how I was told to the way things have gone ever since. I was told HIV was a “blessing” and that so many options and services would be open to me. Jennifer Murry made is sound like she was such a “wonder woman” that everything would be a cake walk for me. She promised I would be in touch with both GR and MEDICAL arranged through her. She promised I would never get a bill for staying in the hospital and this all was untrue. She said bell Shelter was the ONLY place she could get me into since I refused Skid Row. She swore that they would take great care of me, that I would have to leave my room or bed for anything. This was a lie, she even hid the fact that I was barley able to walk and required a walker and help getting to the bathroom. She “dumped” me into a facility that was nothing she said it was and they had no idea that I could barely walk.

Dr. Chin and Dr. Darr only made matters worse by rushing through answers or telling me “we’ll take care of this next time” When I was told not to come back until I could pay or get a reject letter from MEDICAL I was left to once again do my best to figure out things alone. “There’s no rush” is what so many people have told me. But I can’t help but feel that there is a rush. I don’t know enough about HIV and how it will affect me or my body enough to say that “there is no rush” and neither does anyone else. Especially when you don’t take the time to at least address what I am asking you to, answer questions I need answers to.

There’s this huge campaign about getting tested and knowing what your HIV status is. Well for me, knowing what my HIV status is has done nothing but make my life crazy. It’s done nothing but added to the stress I am already under, it’s added to yet more paperwork, more places I have to try to seek out, more information I need to have with me at all times. Please dot get me wrong, the only person I blame for my HIV is the person who lied to me about being positive in the first place and then he even lied about that.

I wake up now questioning my life. Is my being gay something that is wrong? Is HIV a curse from God? Have I run into so many dead ends with HIV care because I need to repent for being gay? I have gone from feeling so comfortable and happy with WHO I am and now I am questioning a part of my life that will now have a HUGE presence IN my life. HIV for me, has been even more destructive to my life then 16 and half months of homelessness. MEDICAL wont help me until I have an AIDS diagnoses and doctors and nurses and other staff at UCLA have said I just have HIV, I am not sick, so don’t worry. HUH?

“I’ll see you in two weeks” is what my new doctor said to me and granted I am sure she has a ton of things to do and a ton of patients she must see and take care of. BUT, I just came from a hospital that told me I was HIV positive and have had no luck with getting answers or treatment and I have to start all over again with all the fuckin tests and I have to wait. It’s like waiting for another death sentence.

If I am not sick enough for treatment or not sick enough for MEDICAL, then why bother telling me about HIV at all? I am not sick enough to take meds, so why the fuck tell me?

“You’re sick Mr. Carr, but not sick enough for anyone to do anything about it. But you’re fine, there’s no rush. You’re just HIV positive but you are in great shape” The why tell me. If there’s nothing you can do but shit by and watch me get sick, why not wait for me to get sick enough. I simply can not wrap my head around telling someone they have HIV, but they won’t start ANY MEDS to prevent then from getting sicker UNTIL they are sicker. It’s no wonder people don’t get tested and those that do get tested and they act like they don’t know they are positive I fully understand.

I have HIV, but I have to be sicker before I begin treatment. So what do I do? Please don’t say “don’t get sick” because I already am. I already am sick. HIV means I am SICK. I just have no symptoms from the SICKNESS. Since there are no SYMMTOMS for the SICKNESS, there is no TREATAMENT for the HIV.

My stomach is in knots, my head kills me every minute of the day. I have to now rethink my entire life. Is being GAY against God? Is HIV the curse for being GAY? It sure feels and sounds like it. I have HIV and I will not get any meds to PREVENT me from getting sicker. I can only hope to get sicker, to start meds to stop me from getter sicker or I can hope not to get sicker from the SICKNESS I already have (HIV) in order to prevent starting the meds to prevent me from becoming more sicker from the SICKNESS I already have.

For me HIV has been this

“Mr. Carr, you been shot and you are bleeding, but I cant do anything for you until you have bleed enough and the life is nearly gone, then we will give you help in order to keep you alive so your suffering can continue.”

HIV is in my eyes a death sentence, no matter how I look at it. HIV is very much a death sentence for me. Now everyday for the rest of my life I will be forced to fight much harder then I have already fought this far and with HIV some of my weapons have been taken away. Defending myself in a fist fight means I could give someone HIV and change their life forever, so fist fights are no longer an option for me. I am homeless and fist fights have very much been par for the course, so what do I do?

I’ve spent my life cooking for people, catering on movie sets, private parties and weddings. I cut myself all the time and I am very careful, but I didn’t have HIV before, so now I will have to really think about how I will rebuild my life from scratch, because now I have HIV. I am way more stressed and more concerned about homelessness because of HIV and now I am way more worried about ever returning my life to the way it once was because of HIV. FOR ME HIV is a death sentence.

It is very clear to me the no one besides me is going to do anything to correct things or make changes in my current situation other then me. Even if people in position are able to do more then what they have already done (little or NOTHING) they weren’t going to do any more. I am clear on this and I am very clear that my homelessness and any medical treatment is of the least concern to anyone other then myself.

Think about this. I am homeless, no job, no residence. Who will miss me if I don’t show up some place?…..nobody. Will there be anyone saying “Kengi didn’t show up to work today and that isn’t like him?” NOPE. Will there be anyone asking “when was the last time you seen Kengi?” NOPE. Will there be anyone saying “I wonder why Kengi didn’t show up today?” NOPE.

With all the black-outs, nose bleeds and fist fights I am now having, with all the chest pain that I am always in and the feeling of being so alone in this, it is only a matter of time before I pass out some place and not be able to regain control. It’s only a matter of time before I get into a fight that I cant win or I not get enough sleep and I slip and fall into traffic. Only a matter of time before I get so sick and don’t make it to an E.R. Who will ask for me then? NOBODY and just like all the other stories of homeless people falling through the cracksa there may be some small insignificant story in the paper or on the news, but at that point it would be all too little to late for me and things will go unchanged because people simply do not give a fuck about homelessness or the HUMANS that are suffering from it. They Gay community doesn’t give a rats ass about people like me. First of all I am not WHITE, and I am HOMELESS with HIV. Ifa you think the gay community give a rats ass about people with HIV ask anyone with HIV in my situation just how much help they have gotten from a community that preaches PRIDE and UNITY.

Yeah, I know it is only a matter of time before something happens to me, this blog will stop and people will move on and things will never change.

USC Medical Center

• Posted by Kengi on June 16, 2008 at 7:30pm

Since I was turned away once again by the Weingart Center I decided to go to the place that is one of the leading places for HIV and AIDS research in the world. They are also the largest treatment facility for HIV/AIDS for minorities. I went to USC Medical Center.

A partner of the Keck School of Medicine of USC since 1885, LAC+USC Medical Center is among the largest teaching hospitals in the country. Staffed by more than 450 full-time faculty of the Keck School and approximately 850 medical residents in training, LAC+USC services 50,000 inpatients and 750,000 outpatients annually. Among its specialized facilities and services is a state-of-the-art burn center, Level III neonatal intensive care unit, Level I trauma service, an NIH-funded clinical research center and a HIV/AIDS outpatient center.

For those who watch daytime television you know USC Medical Center is long been the center of ABC’s General Hospital. This place is called Big General or Big G simply because it is the BEST. The name USC means something and unlike UCLA, USC Medical Center has a reputation that is both trusted and respected. Today I had the chance to experience it first hand.

Right away I was made to feel at ease and assured that me medical treatment would be taking seriously and all of my concerns would be addressed. I was told not to worry about payment because they would find problems that I do qualify for and all my medical needs would be not only addressed, but handled with the best care at all times.

With each new person I encountered today at USC Medical Center, I was asked how I was feeling, if my needs were taken care of, if I understood what was happening, if I had any questions. I was taken, not pointed in the direction of where to go next. USC held my hand every step of the way and once again, just like when I was a student at USC I felt SPOILED. They don’t call USC the University for SPOILED Children for nothing, just like when I was a student I felt cared for, I felt like I mattered and like my medical needs would be taken care of no matter what.

What blew me away today was the fact that I walked into the HIV/AID Clinic with no appointment and they saw me the very same day. They took my paperwork the very same day, did all my blood work there very same day, met with someone to address me financial needs TODAY, go the ball rolling in the complete care of my HIV ad eve had my other medical concerns addressed as well. USC made me an appointment to meet with a social worker to address my housing concerns as well as other concerns with my homelessness. They even went so far as to have lunch for everyone on the HIV Clinic at no charge. This was no lousy sack lunch either, not at all. It was USC first class YOU MATTER treatment all the way.

I use to feel like I wanted to be with a gay setting to feel comfortable with my HIV treatment and team, but having dealings with both the gay and lesbian center as well as AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES and even the Aids Service Center in Pasadena, I know the Gay and Lesbian Community could care less about me and could give a rats ass if I get treatment or not.

USC made me feel like I was the only person they were taking care of. They made me at ease and the facility was clean and the staff was kind and knew what they were doing. Not once was I asked about payment, not once was I told I wouldn’t be able to come there if I didn’t have MEDI-CAL, not once was I made to feel or told for that matter that my HIV treatment would stop simply because I could not pay. Not once was I spoken to with disrespect or treated like some mangy animal from the backwoods, not once was I meant to feel like I am worthless and the best thing was that NOT ONCE did someone tell me HIV was a blessings.

Even though I will be starting all over again, because Harbor UCLA refused and never gave me my labs and has done nothing to move my HIV treatment along, I am confident that I am in not only capable hands, but some of the best hands. I am not only honored, but proud to be a patient at USC Medical Center.

The name USC commands respect and the medical staff over at USC Medical Center have shown me that there is no other place to go for my COMPLETE medical care.

USC FIGHT ON!!!!!!

Starting Over

• Posted by Kengi on June 17, 2008 at 2:58pm

Yesterday was both refreshing and very sad. While I feel I am in good hands over at USC and I do feel like I will get great care there, it is sad that I will now have to wait two weeks before I know for sure if I am HIV positive or not. Even more sad is the fact that no one, not my doctors, nor the patient advocates office where I collapsed three times the other days has made any attempt to contact me to see if I am doing fine or if I may be in need of assistance.

Doctor Eric Dahr assured me that I was in the best hands there and that everything would be done to take great care of me. I have left him several messages and they all have gone unreturned. The same can be said for Jennifer Murray, doctor Chin Jung and Danny who was supposed to see me while I was in the hospital. I already know people from Harbor are reading my blog, because Charmain has made several nasty comments to people who have called to inquire about what took place while I was there. I also know that there are people there at Harbor who really know that the way I was treated while in that hospital was flat out wrong.

Being over at USC was awesome, like I said in my blog entry it was like I was the only person in the entire complex. I was treated with respect and dignity, the way every person should always be treated, regardless of how much money they have or their ability to pay. Hospitals should never have the choice of not treating someone who is sick.

Last night I went to be with such a major headache, the amount of pills I took to try to lesson this pain didn’t do a thing, so I didn’t get much sleep last night. All day today I have been a bit out of it. I have already lost track of time and where I was trying to go. I have fallen down 6 times and there have been times where it feels like my head is just filled with fog. Let me explain what I mean. I know I am awake, I know I am on the street or bus or train, but I don’t remember how I got there or how long I have been there. I was in Pasadena at the Del Mar Station, I believe when I walked through a gate and didn’t notice that the red lights were flashing for me not to walk through. It was just by the grace of God that the train had already come through and left the platfor

Someone very special to me has joined my network. She is someone who has stood right by me from the very start. She has been a “go to” for love support, friendship, shelter, a shoulder to cry on and a source of so much joy, laughter and growth.

My friend Kimarie is truly an amazing woman and a GREAT human ANGEL here on earth. I call her the “GET IT, GOT IT QUEEN” she is a HUGE part of my heart and one of the major reasons I haven’t given up.

Since meeting her she has been a LIFE LINE for me and for so many others. For those who don’t know, it was Kimarie who allowed the use of her AWESOME Salon and Village free of charge for things like Extreme Makeover for Homeless people, KICK START and so much more. She opened her home to me and even offered me free office space to run The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation and the Do Something Saturday~that empowers people outreachers. She stood by me and defended me when others called my integrity into to question.

It was Kimarie who allowed this wounded soldier to rest while she stood watch and defended me. Kimarie has been a CONSTANT source of UNCONDITIONAL friendship, love and support.

“Kengi, when are you taking yourself out of timeout?” she asked me once.
It was at Kimarie’s where I rested after Sickle Cell and my cancer treatments. I am so happy to welcome her to this network.

I love you KIMARIE and I always will. You are my strength when I am weak, my shelter from the ranging storm, my task master when I need pushing, chastising and reminding, you are my sister, my friend my GET IT, GOT IT QUEEN. I love you.

I so look forward to having you here and thanks so much for the AWESOME pictures you have already posted. I know you are very busy, but I hope to see you in the groups as well.

WELCOME!!!!!

m.

GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER

I was supposed to go see them last night, but after making the trek to USC and getting all that I could get done in one day finished in one place, I felt this place would be just another big waste of time. Services from the Gay and Lesbian community have been lacking FOR ME to say the very least. I was speaking with a friend last night that lives in San Francisco and she said the very same things I have long felt and will always fell about the Gay and Lesbian Community.

“Louis, they don’t care about us. They only invoke Dr King and Chavez when its to get their agenda over. They sing all this we shall overcome, but that doesn’t Blacks. Latino’s are still to stupid to see that they are just the flavor of the month, so many of them will side with their white asses. Man the reaction you have gotten from YOUR community doesn’t surprise me one bit.”

Laughing “They’ve never been my community. I have always seem them for who and what they are. They are some of the most racist and narrow minded people I have ever met. I’ve been called nigger or had racial problems with gay white men, then I have had my entire life.”

“It’s sad man, cause where do you turn, when you don’t have family or friends have left you a long time ago? You turn to them for support and they treat you worse then mainstream America. Has APLA even called you to see how you’re doing? Have they assigned you a case manager?”

“Nope and they wont and I know this. If they do now it’s because they are simply saving face. I mean look at how ASC (AIDS SERVICE CENTER) treated me. She told me I had no other options other then skid row. She didn’t even try. The funny thing is that I will be there on Wednesday night for a meeting about people who have started programs to help others in need.”

“Don’t give their asses too much information, so they can start their own program beaten from your and say look what we did. Now give us more funding and fuck Louis or Oscar who really started the program in first damn place.”

Without having a case manager this means I will have a hard time getting a move in grant when I am told I can move into my own place. I will not allow this to hinder my progress. I have made is thus far with no support for the mainstream gays and lesbians and I will continue to do so. They have been some men in from another country who are members of my blog network and they have taken up a collection and sent me money via paypal, I was going to use this money to purchase a new computer, since this one is on it’s last legs and it doesn’t belong to me. But after speaking with HOPWA I will leave the money in PAYPAL so that I have the money to move in and money to pay rent.

Please don’t get me wrong or misunderstand what I have said here. I am in no way saying that ALL gay men and women are the same. Nor I am saying they are not willing to provide support to people in need. What I am saying is this. APLA, ASC and the Gay and Lesbian Center along with other gay community based organizations have been of no help to me. They have been worse then places like PATH, OPCC, Saint Joseph’s Center the missions and shelters. The services they provide are lacking and they are very selective about who will and will not get them. I can only speak for my interactions with these places and in each case they haven’t been helpful to me at all. Each of them have all told me to go to SKID ROW. It has been over three weeks since I filled out paperwork with APLA and no case manager has called me to set up a time for me to come in and get my HOPWA application moving. I did this on my own. It has been three months since I left several messages for the HIV Educator at APLA and my calls have gone unanswered. It has been 6 weeks since I left several messages at Aids Health Care Foundation with no return phone call. This isn’t the race card being played, its reality checking in and letting me know what time it is.

“Louis, we will never treat you like some animal and I know you have been treated badly by Harbor and the gay agencies, because you’re not the first person to say so. I will tell you this. It won’t happen here. We care.” Is what I was told by a employee at USC.

It’s saddens me to think, that I can’t even turn to the Gay and Lesbian Community Service agencies for the support I need in a time when I need it most. I have asked, begged for a HIV support group for people who are newly diagnosed and dealing with some tough issues and very tough times and at APLA, ASC and the Gay and Lesbian Center I was given no such groups. One guy at the Gay and Lesbian Center gave me a crisis hotline to call. It’s no wonder gays are killing themselves at an alarming rate. When you reach out for support, it isn’t there and people you reach out to, don’t know where to direct you.

The draw back for starting over might be a costly one for me. Apartments might open up in the building where I could be placed, but since the last part of my application wasn’t turned in, I could very well go tot he bottom of the waiting list and 16 months could very well start all over again. I have said this before, agencies are in no hurry to move homeless people along on the road to get their life back on track. It’s more profitable for them to remain right where they are. STUCK with flat tires and an empty tank. Every now and they someone (agencies) walk down the road and see the person or family is stuck and offers to put air in one tire. They never offer to repair the tire, just add some air and give their donors the “see we help people” picture.

The family I had the pleasure of helping

• Posted by Kengi on June 17, 2008 at 4:30pm

New Featured Member

Alex is someone I met along with his family over a year ago. At the time they were being thrown out of a homeless shelter called Beyond Shelter. I was shocked at how they were being treated not only by the staff of this shelter, but it’s owner as well.

Alex found me and my organization after he read an article on me. They came by the center in Venice where I use to run my foundation and I offered them any and all help I could. Beyond Shelter even made threats to throw the family into the streets.

I was able to give him and his family cell transportation coupons, bus tokens and help them with their section 8 voucher. All of which Beyond Shelter has more then the means to do, but wouldn’t.

I am happy to announce that Alex and his family are no longer in Beyond Shelter, but in their own apartment here in Los Angeles. They are still looking for a more suitable place for them and their children, so your love support and prayers are still very much needed. Alex and his family aren’t able to get online as much anymore because they no longer have a home computer.

Please take the time to say Hello to Alex and his family and offer any support you are able.

Gun in my face….shit in my pants

• Posted by Kengi on June 18, 2008 at 4:54pm

Today started off almost like any other day. I was waken from my sleep at around 5:00AM from someone shouting “It’s time to get up, it’s time to get up” never mind that there are people who have medical beds who require sleep, never mind there are people who may have worked very late the night before and may have just gotten to sleep lights are turned on and “it’s time to get up, it’s time to get up” is shouted.

Once the shouting ended and all the noises from people who do not wish to leave the building at the ungodly hour have finished protesting, I was able to get back to sleep for a short time. Since I knew I was going to have another long day, I decided last night to try to find a place to get my clothes washed. This would have to be a place where I could change into my clothes that I sleep in and wear my heavy blue jacket while I washed. The only safe place I knew to do this was over near USC. I did however check with the office to make sure there wasn’t a place to wash within the building. There is, but someone else does the washing for you and you must sign up. For and I am sure many other this isn’t an option or is of no service.

I spoke with Hayward. I did ask for Greg, since I was told not to call Andy Bales, but Greg. “He’s the man that can get things done around here” is what I was told by Steve. It’s a damn shame that the President and a CEO has no power to do so. I did as I was told and I tried to reach Greg. When he didn’t answer his cell I called the office line. I spoke with Hayward and asked about washing. This is how I was able to find out about washing clothes. I asked Hayward if I would be able to return to my bunk to rest once I returned from washing my clothes. He asked me if I had a rest slip. I told him that Greg said I had a medical bed and I had the understanding that I would be able to rest in the day if I needed to. He said he would make a referral slip for me. He’s made one for me before that wasn’t honored, but I kept my mouth shut and asked if I should pick it up before I went to wash or after. He said he would leave it at the “contact office” for me.

I made my way over to USC. Changed into my sleeping pants and blue jacket. I took one look at myself in the mirror and I knew right then I was homeless. I looked a mess and every single part of me said “BUM” I walked out of the rest room at Superior Market in the USC Village and went around the Laundromat on the back side the doughnut shop. I washed my clothes and while I did so I got a call from Mike in Kentucky. We spoke for a while and right before my cloths came out the drier we ended our conversation.

For some odd reason, I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the mission to rest. Each time tried to rush, something stood in the way. The drier where I had my clothes didn’t dry them, after 75 cents they were still very wet. Once they were dried I had to wait nearly 45 minutes because someone was in the restroom. Once I made it inside the restroom and changed my clothes I was stuck inside. The door wouldn’t open. After 20 minutes of banging on the door with no one ever answering me I began to kick the door to try to jimmy the lock open. I got out and walked toward the DASH F back to Downtown LA. For some dumb reason I didn’t want to wait for the DASH, so I jumped on the 38 that I thought would get me closer to the mission. It was HOT and I was very tired and very thirsty. That bus only went to 17 and Broadway. I had to walk back to the Grand Station to take the Blue Line into to Downtown LA then I jumped on the Red Line and got off at Pershing Square.

It’s always been very funny to me how MTA has no station agents anywhere inside their system, but there are all these announcements about reporting things to MTA employees or police. The only time you see the police is when they are asking people if they paid and the lame as security sweeps they do at the end of the line when you must exit the train. Like something bad can only happen at the beginning and ending of each train route.

When I was exiting the station I was stopped by two Sheriff officers, just like some other people, most of who were Black and Latino demanding that I show proof of payment. I flashed my card like I always do, but today this officer wanted to hold it and look at it. I guess that made him feel like he was really do all he could to make sure people were truly safe on the MTA train system to no where. I took my card from him and walked toward the escalator.

I wasn’t two or three blocks from the mission when someone from behind pushed me into an alleyway and shoved me face first into the side of the building. I tried to fight back but that’s when I felt something smack against the side of my face. Not really knowing what it was I still put up a fight until I saw it was a gun. I could feel my heart jumping all over my chest and I could hardly get air in. I felt myself shit in my pants.

“You scared now huh faggot. Don’t do no more of your bitch ass telling on people bout how you cant get no bed at the mission nigga. You understand?”

Before I could answer I felt a fist hit me in my side right where my kidneys are. Tears were falling and I said “yes” The other person socked me again and I fell. The other guy kicked me and they ran off. I know who they both are. I have seen them many times, but the message they sent was clear.

After sitting there for a while I got up and walked the rest of the way to the mission. My goal like always was to fight back, but once I got into the yard and walked to the “contact office” the only thing in my head was the gun on my face and the pain in my side and my right knee. I walked toward the other window. The guy behind the window was too busy running his fucking mouth to even ask me what I needed. I still had tears in my eyes and they were running down my face.

“I need to speak with Hayward.” I said

“Go wait in the Chapel” he replied

“I can’t wait in the Chapel I need him now, he is right behind you, please get him now.”

“Hayward said whoever comes to this window asking for him to have them go to the chapel and wait for him.” He said as he rocked back in his chair looking and speaking like a former gang banger or ex-con. Having the little bit of authority over others makes other HOMELESS people feel they are important and better then people like me.

“What is your name?” I asked

“Moses” he replied

The only Moses I have ever know is the one from the Bible and he was nothing like this asshole sitting on the other side of the window. I walked into the Chapel and was about to sit down when I saw the two guys again. I wiped my face and started making my way back out. As I did I called Mona, she is Andy Bales secretary, I also made sure no one was behind me. My cell phone died right as I was talking with her. I walked as fast as I could without calling attention to myself and went to the front side of the building. I didn’t think anyone was following me.

When I got inside I was happy the sweet lady who always smiles and asks how I am was sitting art the desk. She buzzed me in right away and I told her I simply wanted to get my things. I didn’t tell her why. I tried to call Mona again, but my phone had no juice and now I felt like I was trapped. I she told security that I needed to go to my BUNK, I heard her say this. But the guy who came to get me took me to the closet where things are stored. I was getting very angry and very scared.

“I said and she told you I need to go to my bunk to get my things. Don’t you people fucking listen?”

“I have to get permission to take you there.”

He walked me through the dinning room where women were eating and called over another USELESS security guard and proceeded to tell them what I had told him what happened to me.

This is when I really felt unsafe and I was beginning to shake. I already feel like someone in the building told those guys to come after me and now this stupid ass was telling the very people I trust the least. It was a big fat sloppy whale of a security guard who had threaten me before. The same fat slob that mouthed off to me when I had Greg on the phone.

He finally took me upstairs and I got my things off my bunk. Even though I wasn’t feeling safe I didn’t want to leave any trace for anyone to find me. I had all my medical papers under my mattress and I wasn’t going to leave it. After getting my things and him knowing that someone had pulled a gun on me he still tried to take me down through the back way. Right into harms way.

“Excuse me, but I am going out the front door. You need to take me through the front door.” I told him.

When we reached the service elevator he said. “Man if you can just show me the guys or tell me what happened, we can help you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me. I just had a fucking gun in my face. This mission and no one down here give a fuck about me. I didn’t come here to have some low life fucker to kill me because I complained about a fucking bed. A bed I am supposed to be able to get to each fucking night. You and anyone here at this fucking mission do not give a damn about me or anyone else up in this bitch.”

I stopped at the front desk to try to leave a message for Andy. I was instructed not to call him, to call Greg. Greg wasn’t in the building and I don’t trust Steve one fucking bit. I don’t care how many fucking time he lets Jesus fall from his lips. There is something about him that I don’t receive in my spirit.

I tried to run as I left the building, but my backpack was far too heavy and it was far too hot. I didn’t want to take the chance of over heating myself and passing out. As I left I heard someone running up behind me. My heart stopped again and I turned to see that it was the man who had taken me to my bunk.

“Sir, Andy Bales wants to meet with you……..”

It wasn’t important enough for Andy to try to come out, he sent someone else. From the mission I walked out San Pedro until I sort of lost where I was. I then used the City Hall Tower to guide me. Even then I got sort of lost. I knew there was a METRO station some place near Parker Center and City Hall, but I have never used this station before. I saw three plain clothes cops walking toward me. I was crying, but I was also covered in sweat.

“Is there a Metro Station near here?” I asked not stopping as I walked past.

They turned and pointed to where it was. To busy to see that I was in distress, to busy to notice I was cover in sweat, to busy to see my shirt was soaked and I was holding my chest. Just too fucking busy.

I made it to the train and I took it to Wilshire and Vermont, jumped on the 720 and got off at Fairfax. I went into the 99 cent store to buy water. I then walked back out and found a bathroom. Anything making me feel weighed down I now had to dump. This meant clothes, jacket, any meds I have, ANYTHING that was too heavy to carry and anything to that would now prevent me from fighting if I had to.

Down to 70 and now into stage 2. GAME ON!!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on June 30, 2008 at 6:38pm

All I have left are the clothes I have on. Two pairs of socks and a beanie for my head. My jacket is too heavy to carry and only causes me to overheat. I will do all i can to remain warm at night. I will try to find shelter so that I wont get any sicker then I already am. I will not return to skid row. where even the birds die.

No one even noticed that I had shit my pants. No one even made a comment about the smell. That is until I got on the train. This is when people moved away from me. When people made jokes and started pointing. No one at the mission even took notice, the reason is because they don’t give a fuck.

I am still shaking and still very much afraid. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know I wont go back to Downtown LA. I don’t want to call Sarah or Natalie, because I don’t want to put them in harms way. Things don’t spook me, they just don’t, but today I was so spooked that I shit in my pants. I am so amped up right now, so angry, so hurt, so upset. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always felt very much alone in homelessness. If always felt like agencies could do so much more. Now I feel very much alone. I feel very much like giving up, but something inside of me wont let me.

When I first became homeless I recall when three white guys spit in my face in the bathroom along the beach in Santa Monica. I remember feeling like I would have rather them beat the shit out of me or even kill me, then to spit in my face. Today that feeling has returned but far worse, I wished they would have beaten me up, broke my jaw even killed me, then to leave me with this thought of a gun in my face.

I don’t know where I will sleep tonight, but I know it wont be on skid row. I don’t know where I will get food, because all I have left on my food stamp card is $1.65. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow. I do know my heart has started to harden and I am no longer feeling like I matter. Someone said to me the other day that “you can’t go down any further, you can only come up.” Well that person doesn’t walk in my shoes, doesn’t ever have to deal with what I have to, that person didn’t have a gun in his face today and shit in his pants.

“Anyway laid out, I’ll go, if you need somebody, Lord, I’ll go. If nobody else wants to go, Lord, it’s alright send me. If my suffering if for the greater good,then father I will obey and press on, but in the name of Jesus, if all this hurt, all this pain will help no one, then I ask that you remove the hurt, remove the pain from my life. Father, God in the name of Jesus, if I must endure more of this, then please in the name of JESUS place a hedge of protection around me.”

What I know

• Posted by Kengi on June 20, 2008 at 12:39pm

The only thing I know right now is this.

“I will never again allow people to tell me that they are doing all they can for me or that they have my best interest at heart”

Since I became homeless some 16 half months ago, I have been fighting a very steep uphill battle to turn things around for myself. I have reached out to all of the agencies here in Los Angeles and I have even reached out to places outside of LA. In fact, I have even reached outside of the state and yes, the nation. Places outside the sate and nation can only by on what is told to them and the information they have available to them. So most of the time when I reach outside of my own state I am only referred back to the places that have been of no help to begin with.

Jennifer Murry who is a clinical social worker at harbor UCLA told me that my HIV diagnoses would be a “huge blessing and so many doors will now be open for you.” Being told I am HIV positive has been everything but a blessing. Doctor Eric Darr also told me that having HIV “would turn into a blessing because now Jennifer and Danny will be working with you to help you with housing and addressing your medical needs.” Jennifer has done nothing other then “dumping” me in a place where I received no medical care other then a quick talk with someone who said they were a doctor when I arrived. There was no help with the changing of my bandages, nor was I even allowed to eat or drink in my room. Jennifer never even told them that I had problems standing. Her objective along with Harbor UCLA was to get me out of their system so they would no longer be responsible for caring for someone who is homeless. The certainly were not going to be taking care of some homeless person who had the thought that his life matters and the care he should be getting should be quality care.

Today I know this, something I have always known and something that was taught to me at a very young age and it is something that I will never forget, nor will I ever let go of it or allow someone to convince me of something else.

“You are my child and I love you, you are the child of the most high king and he has already provided for you. Don’t you ever, I don’t care what you go through, how high up the ladder you climb or how far down you may fall, God is in control of everything. The last say is always his. Don’t ever let anyone tell you or convince you that you are less then or not worthy.”

For the past 16 months, more so these past 5 months I have really had to struggle with not letting myself let go of this. When everything around is falling apart and the people who say they are there to help you pick up and move on are only “wolves in sheep’s clothing” and their purpose is to push you further off the path, you start to feel defeated. You start to grow tired and worn down. When you’ve been homeless as long as I have been and dealing with so much, it becomes very hard to see that some people even those in places that are suppose to help you get back up, have nothing more in mind other then to collect a paycheck and don’t “give a good God damn about you”

I was told by Cassie Venturelli who is a housing care specialist with Aids Service Center (ASC) in Pasadena California that for someone like me there are no other places for housing other then skid row. This is the same thing that Jennifer Murry told me. The very same thing that Kevin from OPCC told me. I explained to Cassie why I didn’t want to be on Skid Row, but have you heard the term “beggars can’t be choosers”? If you have and you believe this, then you will have done the very same things that many people who have come into contact with me have done. Nothing other then refering me to skid row. Even when I have told them that I have had to fist fight and I don’t feel safe or that I feel I could very well end up dead there, not from being in a gang or using drugs or drinking or from running for the police, but from simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time and simply from people in position to help me simply don’t give a damn and will not make the effort to try to care and help.

I’ve been over at USC since Monday, June 16, 2008 and since this time God has made certain that just enough angels come into my life to carry me through this very hard time. For those who have read my blog, you know I said I was giving up on me. I was in no way saying I was going to hurt myself or anyone else, this thoughts never cross my mind, but I will say that being part of system that puts so much stress, so much pain, so much bad times, a system that is so very much a part of all my tears, so much a part and the cause of all my hard times and in my eyes and I know in the eyes of other people going through things just like myself and far worse also feel the same, so much a HUGE part of the reason they are still homeless. Agencies now in place to help homeless people do not do all they can do and are not working as hard as they could and do very little to end homelessness as we know it in this country. I don’t feel this way or know this because I have read it some place or someone has told me. I know it because I am going through it and I deal with it day in and day out. I don’t need to be told what is and isn’t being done, I know what is and isn’t being done. I know because I live it. I don’t have some fancy office that I sit in, nor do I have an army of people working for me telling me how thing are on the streets. What I do have is 16 and half months of “street life” that have given me more understanding and more compassion, more love, more care and more knowledge and a stronger will to survive this horrific life changing time in my life so that I can be an even stronger, more powerful voice for people who are being ignored, people who are being turned into criminals not for breaking laws, but for being homeless, a stronger better equipped soldier able to fight off any attack withstand any battle formed against me for speaking out against that which is wrong and unjust.

I simply refuse to allow something that isn’t greater then me to defeat me. There is nothing on this earth that will ever defeat me. Not sickeness, not homelessness and all the people who do not care. For greater is he who is in me then he who is the world.

It’s time for UNITED to really mean something

• Posted by Kengi on June 20, 2008 at 3:42pm

It’s more then 25 years into AIDS and Blacks still continue to be more affected by HIV then anyone else. A recent report in 2008 released by the CDC stated that of African-Americans (Blacks) and men who have sex with men of all racial and ethnic groups are most affected by HIV.

Blacks made up almost half (49%) of all reported HIV cases in 2006 and here in Los Angeles Blacks make up 51% of the homeless population. Nationally were are about 13% of the population and on 9% of it in LA County, but we are 49% or national HIV cases as per the CDC in 2006 and 51% of the homeless population in LA County.

As far as HIV goes, many in the Black Community say this is because blacks have no medical insurance and have to rely on places like county and state hospitals fro treatment where whites have other choices. The same argument has been made for homelessness here. One agency in place went so far as to say that the large number of Blacks facing homelessness is due to lack of education, criminal records and drinking and drugs.

Whatever the case may be, it is clear to me that no one is doing a great job at making sure Blacks are educated when it comes to HIV/AIDS and Homelessness and this INCLUDES the Black Community. Black radio does little to promote safe sax education and does far less to help stop the ever increasing homeless epidemic crippling the Black Community. Black Churches are no better. Pulpits preach messages of gloom and doom for all who are gay and as far as homelessness goes, unless you are a member in good standing (YOU GIVE MONEY and LOTS OF IT) you will get no help from black churches with your homelessness, so don’t even consider asking.

Take a close look at West Angeles Church of God in Christ which is part of the COGIC convention. When they built the new Cathedral on Crenshaw Boulevard in Los Angeles their membership was already over 15,000 and with the addition of this HUGE Cathedral they still do not have enough parking or seating for their members. They own nearly 6 city blocks along Crenshaw, but every single inch in front of their property is dirty. Now they could purchase some street cleaning machines and employ some homeless people and allow them to work and make money to help change their situation. When I referred a young man to the church who is gay with HIV and homeless for something as minute as a HYGIENE Kit, the said he had to be in their program. I asked if you could sign up and I was told yes, but he still wouldn’t get a kit because the federal government had cut funding and they were unable to purchase supplies for the kits. This church has a membership over 15 thousand, but they cant set up a fund that will allow them to create programs and services for minority HIV/AIDS patients or people dealing with homelessness. This is the same church that sent millions to their national convention, they do nothing to keep their area of Crenshaw clean and they do nothing to help the community in which they are located. However they are the first to point the finger at other places that don’t do the very things they have the MONEY to do NOW.

We live in the era of get all you can, can all you get and sit on the pot and poison the rest. Churches and Black Radio Station are no different and should…..no they must carry some of the blame for what is taking place in the very communities that give their LAST CENTS to support them.

Just like I have learned that places like PATH, missions such as the Union Rescue Mission and organizations such as the Salvation Army and Beyond Shelter don’t give a rats ass about the people they serve. The President and CEO of Beyond Shelter herself told me that homeless people are lazy and create they own mess and want others to fix it. If this is the case, she is creating a HUGE profit off the fact that some homeless people are lazy. It was her staff that threw a black family with a 9 month of child into the streets with no place to go after they requested that the roaches and other things be corrected in the place they were supposed to be grateful for. But she just got this HUGE write up from PATH saying how great she is and how awesome she is to people who are homeless.

HIV is no different. Care providers still have the notion that people who have HIV are just whores who sleep with everything moving or infect themselves with drugs. They too are guilty of getting rich all while people suffer and they sit back and get awards and pay for things they aren’t even doing.

More then 25 years into AIDS and Blacks make up nearly half of all cases reported for 2006. Blacks make up more then 51% of the homeless population in Los Angeles County. We as a country, we are a UNITED nation need to ask why this is and not just blame it on drugs, drinking and crime. We are a nation need to start talking the talk and walking the walk. We as a nation need to push harder for a local and national government the RESPECTS ALL HUMAN LIFE PERIOD, not just the HUMAN life the sits in the white house and runs around acting like some fucking gang banger. We as a nation, a UNITED people that are supposed to be some concerned, so “GREEN” and “PC” need to wake up and take a good look at the mess we are creating right here in this country.

RECHARGED

• Posted by Kengi on June 23, 2008 at 3:12pm

This weekend was very cool. I had the very rare chance to just relax and enjoy myself. Two friends allowed me to crash at their and I am so glad they did. Not only was able to sleep in and just kick back, I was also able to explore a part of LA that I have never seen since I was a kid in grade school. That was very cool to rediscover a place that is so close, but I was so far removed from. The other great thing was that I was able to relax, have some great food with a great friend and really spend some quality time with myself.

I remember when I use to be so busy working on movie sets, cooking for private events pr catering or even just hanging out that when I finally was able to take a day or a weekend for just me where I would do nothing related to my catering or cooking or community work. Just taking time out for me. That was so refreshing for me. It was like it gave me a whole new outlook, a whole burst of energy. This isn’t something that I get the chance to do very much anymore. For the most part I am too busy looking for a place to sleep, find things to eat and now finding new resources for my medical care and doing my very best not to let this entire thing over take me. There have been some rare time when I have had the chance to rest and not worry about things. Those times are both great for me and also sad for me.

I say they are sad for me because there are people who think and have voiced to me that the only thing I should be working on is getting housing and medical and I should not rest until I do. There have been people who have called my “lazy” when I blog about the free jazz event I am able to get to on Tuesday or Friday. I try not to let things like this get to me, because the very same people who have so much shit to say wouldn’t be able to last 10 minutes in my world.

So for the rest and the cool ME time I was able to take in this weekend I am so thankful to my two close friends who gave me a place to crash in an environment that was clean, safe, welcoming and a place where I was able to just lay back and close my eyes. That meant the world to me this past weekend. Just knowing I had place I could return to to close my eyes, take a hot shower, drink cold SAFE water and sleep with the comfort in knowing that I would be safe.

I haven’t know these two very long, in fact it has only been a little more then a year, so when I go the texts and the voicemails letting me know I could crash for the weekend, was so happy. I cant say that I was blown away, because these two have been awesome to me since day one. I’ve given them the nick names of Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus. Not for things they have done for me, but for things they helped me do for others. These two have such big hearts and since knowing them they have been two very special people who may not always come through in person, but they always show up in one way or another in ways where other people have fallen far short.

They have supported many if not all of my Do Something Saturday Events and my cell phone program for homeless people would never have been possible had it not been for these two very cool people. Now this past weekend, I must say things to my very own special ANGELS for providing me with my “safe place” for the weekend.

I promised I would call names, but they are here on my network and they know who they are. Thanks for an awesome weekend or time alone, time with friends and great smiles and laughs. YOU TWO ROCK!!!!!

The pictures with this posting are just a small part of my weekend exploration in an area I had forgotten about.

Adding support and refusing BS and the people who supply it

• Posted by Kengi on June 25, 2008 at 6:06pm

I’ve felt for a very long time that I am very much alone in this fight to regain my life. Without the support and a small group of friends and the HUGE amount of faith I have, I really don’t know where I would be.

It’s been my faith, prayer and the small number of people I have in my life that have helped me through some pretty dark moments. It’s been these people who have offered both love, support and UNCONDITIONAL friendship. The advice they have offered has been from the heart and not something that would harm me in the long run. They cried with me and have joined me in my fight not just for me, but for others as well.

Since going over to USC for my HIV care things have gotten so much better. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t fixed, but at least I now have a core network of people working with me, talking with me, NOT AT ME or DOWN TO ME and a core group of people willing to LISTEN to what my needs and concerns are and then take the time to help me address them and achieve them.

In the past the support from homeless agencies has been. “YOU DO THIS” and “YOU GO HERE” It has never been. How can we help you get through this tough time. It’s never been for me, it’s been a pattern that is for all homeless people. It never addressed things like my education or even the reason why I am homeless in the first damn place. So if you don’t take the time to find out WHY, how in the hell can you HELP.

I had an appointment yesterday with Carla who is my social worker in the HIV clinic and again, things went well, she then set up an appointment for me to meet with Scott Rowland for Aids Service Center. This is the same place that was of no help to me before, they simply referred me to skid row. “Since you don’t work, this is your only option” is what I was told and after meeting with Scott who I found to be very rude and down right judgmental I know ASC doesn’t have my best interest at heart and I know they don’t give a good fuck about me or my health care.

I was once again told that “HIV is a blessing” and how “wonderful” and “great” it is that I have HIV because “now you’re talking to me” (me=Scott) HIV IN Not A FUCKING BLESSING, NOR IS IT GREAT TO HAVE SOME ASSHOLE IN MY FUCKING FACE TELLING ME I AM “operating with zero” or “skid row is wonderful” FUCK YOU and the gay ass horse you rode in on.

Scott was great at giving me information I already know, numbers I already have, places I have reached out to several times for help and have gotten NOTHING, so now just because I know SCOTT things are going to change. BULLSHIT. I have called all numbers he supplied me with 4 times since yesterday and none of the people have bothered to return my calls.

He didn’t even have a number for a group called Being Alive. I already knew about the group, but not him, nor APLA nor the GAY and LESBIAN center could give me accurate information on the organization. I was finally given the number by someone who ready my blog from Australia.
I went into to Being Alive today and I was greeted by a cool guy at the front desk and later got the chance to meet with this guy name Bart who was helpful and offered me what I was looking for. ANSWERS and PLACES to find support groups or at the very least get in touch with people who could help. How fucking hard was that?

Tonight I will be attending my first HIV support group. Thanks to the “team” over at Being Alive. After speaking with Bart I feel like one more person has joined my network of people willing to LISTEN and offer options where I can make clear choices. Just one more person helping my push what I call this HUGE ball that so far I have had to push on my own.

“It is your responsibility to do it.” Scott told me. He is very right, but it is his JOB to give me ALL the tools in order for me to dig myself out. Not select what tools he thinks I need. Give me ALL the tools and let ME decided which tool is best for me. A real case manager will bring me ALL options and together we should decide the options that will work best for me. if you don’t give me ALL my choices, then YOU (SCOTT) haven’t done YOUR JOB and YOU (SCOTT) have failed ME. The person who is in need of information that YOU have.

HOPWA is something I found on my own. Not once has anyone even mentioned it to me. Not the missions, not shelters, not case managers, not OPCC, not Saint Joseph’s Center. NOT ONE. I found it on my own and started the paperwork ON MY OWN. So when places who have information that I need to correct this fucked situation I am in, who is at fault. THEY WORK AND GET FUCKING PAID TO GIVE ALL THE DAMN OPTIONS, so why do they play games and hide them.

“I wont recommend LA Family Housing because you wont survive it there and you wont survive PATH, they have strict rules” is what Scott said to my face.

He doesn’t know me from Adam, has no fucking clue what I have survived this far and I will continue to survive, because all he see’s is a homeless BLACK MAN demanding for things that are supposed to be in place. I have learned a very long time ago, that when you are homeless you don’t ask for anything other then what is offered to you. If you do, then you are the bad guy.

“Here is some shit. EAT IT. There is you bed bug infested bed, sleep in it”

“I would rather eat healthy food and sleep in a place where I wont have to fist fight, have a gun put in my face and get bed bugs”

If it sounds like I am mad, I am. To be honest I am pissed. Why cant there be more people like Carla Sanchez? Why cant there be more places like LAC-USC and the Schraber Clinic and the employees there? Why cant there be more Bart’s? WHY THE FUCK CANT PEOPLE SIMPLY GIVE A DAMN?

Be a fucking HUMAN and get in your head that what I am dealing with and going though is REAL and could happen to YOU. I was once one of those people who said.

“That will never happen to me”

I have always been one of those FEW people willing to reach out and help people who are going through things.

It’s nice to have at least one more person helping me push this along. Bart it was refreshing to speak with you today and thanks very much for taking all the time you did to LISTEN and offer suggestions that would work best for me. You so in a manner that INCLUDED me and for that I will always be grateful.

I am now on my way to the support group you recommended for me.

My first night in a HIV support group

• Posted by Kengi on June 26, 2008 at 5:27pm

This was my entry from last night at 2:50AM

———

Tonight was my first support group meeting for HIV. It was very cool being able to hear guys speak about HIV and what they have gone through, are going through and how things are going for them right now.

The guys were very cool and just like I was told by Brad from the Being Alive center, Brian, the gentleman who leads the group was in fact very cool and was very welcoming. He and I had a chance to chat for a bit before the meeting and I am glad we did, because this helped me to let my guard down. I know many people who read this blog and those who know me think of me as some superman or the kind of person that can just share at the drop of a dime. But that isn’t true. I have to feel welcome in order for me to do so. Brian made me feel welcomed and supported.

The guys in the group were very cool, again, just like Brad said. Their stories were cool to hear, but there were two guys in the group who really touched my heart and one almost had me in complete tears. It was nice to be able to share how much my life has changed since becoming homeless and now homeless with HIV.

I am glad I went to the meeting and I am glad I had the chance to meet Brad and get some information on programs there at Being Alive. I do plan to take advantage of them as soon as I can. The meeting itself was very cool, but while sitting there and hearing guys talking about their HIV and how it has affected their lives made me feel so much more isolated and for lack out a better words “left beind” simply because most of them talked about their “LIFE” meaning their jobs, loved ones, vacations and things of this nature. They talked about class reunions and laughs in the pool and sharing things with one another and I was both very happy to see that you can have HIV and be happy, but very sad to know that my life and what I am dealing with is nothing like theirs.

I don’t plan vacations, I hardly ever smile and my life will never return to where it was. I am 39 and broke on GR and living from pillar to post with no hope of this ever changing. Someone asked me “Do I want to work” and just like before the answer has always been “YES” But how do you find work, when you so busy trying to find a place to sleep? How do you find work when everything you now own fits into an REI backpack that someone purchased for you? How do you find work when all you have is two pairs of shorts and one pair of pants? How do you find work when you are so damn busy running around making sure you don’t screw up the 7 day bed you are given? How do you ever start to work on rebuilding what was lost, when you so busy running around getting papers signed, forms filled out? When is there ever time for you and time to really concentrate on rebuilding a life that was once so great?

I left the meeting tonight with the same feelings I had when I walked in. ALONE, but it was cool to be able to even know that such a group is there and I will use it when ever I am able as much as I am able. Being homeless has rules and going to groups isn’t something you just get to do, you must ask and then get permission to do so. Right now I am in a hotel for 7 days, next week I don’t know where I will be and with not knowing comes no planning. I can plan and plan until I am I am dead, but if the person who is suppose to help me with the “plan” doesn’t do their part, then I must take on that job as well and the outcome means I am left to sleep on the street because someone forgot to follow through on what they were supposed to do.

I’ve been told that I “must bare some of the responsibility” and I don’t have any problem with that. The problem is when I go the places for help and I am told “someone will call you in a couple of days and then those days become a MONTH, then I am stuck. Once the call comes “I am sorry Kengi…………” Just like with the 6 bed tickets from the Union Rescue Mission all of which had very serious problems for me. “this wont happen again Kengi and I am very sorry” and it happens again. “Kengi please let me fix this and I promise it wont happen again” and it happens again.

16 and half months of homelessness hasn’t come from me not doing things I am required to do, it isn’t from me not showing up for appointments, it isn’t from me not giving a damn. It’s come from people not doing what they say they will do and I am left to fend for myself. Having to find other ways to get things done through other places and this means starting all over again.

The meeting tonight was great, but I don’t know if I will able or even allowed to attend it next week. I also don’t know how much help or support it will be for me because even with having HIV there is so much more that I am dealing with. I don’t have a home, I don’t have a place to escape, I don’t have a vacation to plan. I have a backpack that holds all my things and after next week if I don’t get housing I will have to dump some of those things because all of them wont fit into my backpack and I need to have both hands free.

After I walked into the subway station at Vermont and Sunset tears began to form in my eyes and once on the train and in my seat, I tucked my head into my hand and out my face down and cried very quietly to myself.

It’s a little after 3:00AM and my head is killing me and once again I will spend another night of not getting any sleep because I am still very much worried about all that is in front of me. It’s hard to sleep when you have no idea of what you will do tomorrow or what new mountain I will have to climb.

It’s hard to sleep when the very people who should be listening and helping don’t even give a damn.

I went to my first HIV support group tonight and I don’t know………….

LISTENING and CARING……Thanks Tiana

• Posted by Kengi on June 26, 2008 at 5:35pm

Aids Project Los Angeles, this is the place where some of my HIV troubles have been the worst. After Aids Service Center (ASC) and Cassie dropped the ball and then she told me that Skid Row was my only option and then Scott and his sidekick Patty also telling me that Skid Row was my only option and was the BEST place for me, today I returned to APLA.

After speaking with Bart Stevens from Being Alive and then meeting Brian in the HIV support group last night, I felt I should at the very least give APLA another chance to correct what went wrong. Brian was very helpful to me and letting me know that if things didn’t go well that I should get in touch with him and that gave me the “feeling” of him caring.

Today I met with Tiana and she is either a great actress or I have met someone who cares about what is going on with me. I am thinking it’s the latter. I spoke with her the other day and when she called I was pretty pissed off, it had been over three weeks since I had been to APLA twice, once where I balled begging for some advice, support and someone to talk to and no one ever came out to see me, nor did anyone call me to see if I was going to be ok. She our first encounter wasn’t a good one. Like I said I was pissed. I had been in to fights, a gun placed in my face and I had been sleeping on the streets again.

After cooling down I called Tiana back and told her that I was sorry for yelling at her and didn’t mean to take things out on her, she was cool and said she understood. But I was still pissed. I didn’t have a place to sleep that night and I was very tired, so I knew going to see her wasn’t going to get me into a room for the night, nor was it going to make me feel any better. I was in “recoil” mode. I needed to find a place where I could cool off, settle down and think ALONE with someone telling me when to get up, when to eat, when to shit and what time I could do all of these. Moreover Tiana worked for a place that I had contacted from my hospital bed asking for advice and I was told thee was nothing they could do for me until I was released from the hospital and could come in to fill out paperwork. It’s always the fuckin paperwork. Damn the fact that someone is on the line dealing as best they can with being told they are HIV positive and have no clue if they are even going to get the best possible care or get answers to the questions they have.

When I was told about the HIV, I felt a small part of me DIE and a much bigger part of me refusing to die. I needed answers or at least someone to talk me through some things. I think I spoke with someone named Janet who is an AIDS Educator. What I have learned since being told I am HIV positive is that the title AIDS EDUCATOR is just anther title. It has meant nothing to me and has been of no help to me. CASE MANAGER is another term that means nothing to me. It’s simply a title that gets printed on business cards and goes across the doors of important people.

It was a Case Manager from Saint Joseph Center who told me to pawn my laptop to pay for a room until she could get me into housing. It was a Case Manager who told me to say I had some mental problems and or drug problems in order for me to get housing right away. It was an Aids Educator that told me they understood why my doctors were telling me that my T-CELLS needed to drop before I would begin treatment for the HIV. But neither my doctors nor this Aids Educator could answer the question “Why would I want my T-Cells to drop?”

This week it had been a Case Manager, a GAY case manager who told me “so what there was a gun in your face, you get over it.” That same case manager then told me after speaking with me not 5 minutes that he knew I would not be able to survive certain places that offer housing. He reasoning was “They have strict rules” so his only option for me was SKID ROW. Today while speaking with someone who is in the same clinic as I am, who just happens to be GAY with HIV, BUT has drug problems and a history of physical abuse, but is WHITE was never offered SKID ROW. He has been in a hotel. When I asked him if he had been doing or required to do all that I have been, his answer was “NO, my case manager is taking care of all the paperwork for me” His case manager is Scott.

My case manager and aids educator and housing specialist and support group and go to man have all been ME. Finding about services and what’s available to me has come from ME. So, yeah I am a little pissed off.

After going to the Schrader Clinic and meeting my doctor and my nurse Charles as well as Carla, my social worker there and the support team that’s in place there I have been blown away. Yesterday afternoon, meeting with Brad from Being Alive and then going to the HIV support group and hearing some cool stories and meeting Brian from APLA I had to rethink some things. Yes I haven’t had a great experience with APLA, but in my eyes there were the lesser of two evils. (ASC being the other) Brad has great things to say about Brian and Brian had great things to say about Tiana and people from my network here had great things to say about all of them. Too many people have told me bad things about Scott and ASC and I have just experienced too many bad things with ASC and Cassie, so Scott was the deciding factor. If you can not give me ALL my options, without making a judgment about me, a judgment you aren’t qualified to make, the you cant honestly say you are doing all you can for me. There is no “I” in “TEAM” so one person cant make choices for me without even considering ME.

I met with Tiana at 10:00AM this morning and already she had been working on things solutions for my housing and even looked into options for housing care if I needed medical services available to me through housing. She took the time to explain section 8, fast track and some other services. Tiana did something for me, no case manager or Aids or even an intake worker had ever done. She took the time to LISTEN and CARE. This makes a HUGE difference. When you LISTEN and CARE then you become “involved” instead of “entangled” in helping someone who needs help. Help that YOU are PAID to do. When you LISTEN and CARE, you don’t forget to make the calls that ONLY YOU can make. You don’t forget that YOU have now become someone who someone in need is DEPENDING on. YOU with your client (ME) work together to come up with PLAN that WORKS BEST for the client (ME) Not something that works best for you to get to the party you want to get to.

With Tiana I feel like I had added yet another person to me NETWORK and people who in this with me. They wont cry as much as I do or as long as I have, but I feel they will work just as hard as I have for the past 16 and half months to help me get back some of what I have lost. I say some because most of what I have lost can never be replaced.

I had the chance to share with Tiana the fact that I haven’t even had time to morn for my Pops, I don’t know where all my football trophy’s are, I don’t know where my year books are. The last year of my Pops life I took so many pictures, so many videos of he and I and I don’t know where they are.

Today Tiana listened to me and did her very best to make sure she put things in motion for me that are best for me. Today I learned something I already knew, Skid Row isn’t the only option for me. Skid Row isn’t the only option for many people just like me, but until people like me run into to people like Tiana, Carla, Brad, Brian and other people who not only talk the talk, but walk the walk things will always remain the same and the current homeless population will continue to grow at an alarming rate taking down anyone from all walks of life including people like ME and people like YOU.

No one is immune to homelessness and as a country that is supposed to be so damn advance, so PRO human rights, as a nation that is supposed to be so fuckin UNTIED and as a city that is supposed to be the City of Angels, when they are there homeless people here? Why do people not qualify for medical coverage until it is almost too late? Why do we sit by and allow our fellow man to suffer and all we do is look on and say “I’m sorry”

In close, this is my journey, my path and as I have said before and I am sure I will say it again. If I must go through it in order to speak out against it, then I will. I will never see homelessness or HIV as a blessing for my life, but I will do my best to make sure my pain and my suffering WILL be a blessing for the lives of others.

“Who do you belong to” Ma use to ask me

“You and Pops” was always my reply

“Whose are you?” she would ask in return.

“The child of the MOST HIGH KING”

Together we would say “and with him I can do all things. With him I AM the authority. Greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world.”

“Hello somebody” Pops would sometime chime in.

This 16 and half month journey has proven to me that I am stronger, better prepared for what life throws my way and fully equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Not cancer, not sickle cell, not homelessness not even HIV and certainly not some one who aint gone through shit will take me off this planet, cause me to give up and make me blinded to the GREAT MAN I am.

In the words of Ms Mary J. “I like what I see when I’m looking at me, when I’m walkin past the mirror. No stress through the night at a time in my life and I aint worried bout if you feel it. I got my head on straight I got

my vibe right and I’m not gonna let you kill it.”

Thanks TIANA!!!!YOU ROCK!!!!!

Productive Week

• Posted by Kengi on June 27, 2008 at 12:47pm

This week has been a very productive one I am very happy to report. I finally feel like I am in touch with some people who not only care about what is going on with me, but have done work to help me fix things that have gone wrong and done work to help me fix things PERIOD. This is an amazing feeling. I never had a case manager do anything for me other then tell me to call them each and every day in order for them to tell me, “there’s no housing and I have no leads on anything else” This week this has all changed.

So it’s Friday and all that I am going to get done for this week has been done and now I will wait and pray that things set in motion by me and people like Carla and Tiana will fall into place. With homelessness and I have now learned even with HIV, there is the wait and see game that you have no choice but to play. I must call or go see someone to fill out paperwork and then they must call someone, who may have to call someone else, who will have to call them back to call the other person back to call me to have me come back in to tell me………… get the point. So I can do all that I am “required” to do, but if anyone along the way doesn’t do what I am depending on them to do, things I cant do myself, things they are paid to do, then I am stuck.

(I took this picture on a night when the Union Rescue Mission refused to honor a bed ticket issued to me. I was forced to spend the night walking.)

I am doing something today that I haven’t done in 16 and half months. I am hanging out with a childhood friend. My friend Jo whom I have known since Jr. High School will be chilling out with me today. She’s meeting me after my meeting with Tiana over at APLA. We’re going to get some grub and take in some coolness at LACMA, before we will join my friend Natalie for JAZZ at LACMA tonight. I am really looking forward to this. I bumped into Jo last year and she shared her pics of her kid with me. it was around this time that things were already starting to change for me, bit I didn’t share this with her, because I didn’t want to be judged and feel like a failure.

Homelessness has a way and many of the people who are in place to support you also have a way of making you feel less than, worthless, like you no longer matter to anyone and if one isn’t careful, you will start to believe it and then you will start to slide even faster down the slope of homelessness you are already on.

(I took this picture along Wilshire Boulevard in Beverly Hills. This was another night I was unable to get into the Union Rescue Mission after being issued a bed ticket and being told by Andy Bales that this would never happy again. It’s happened 5 times)

For me homelessness has been destructive for my life and more the 95% of the places I have gone, people I have run into and services I have tried to get have all be dead ends. If I were a weak person, I would have started using drugs or drinking myself into oblivion like many homeless people, with homelessness and HIV and the lack of medical care, and lack of having access to services that HELP, not HINDER, if I wasn’t a strong minded, determined person and had it not been for two great parents and all the tools they have given me to survive I would have killed myself within the first few weeks of knowing I was HIV positive and how I have been treated by doctors, staff and social workers at Harbor UCLA, Aids Project Los Angeles, Aids Service Center and the Union Rescue Mission. It has also showed me that I am stronger then I thought I was, more prepared then I ever knew and more in touch with HUMANS then anyone I have met or come into contact with.

Today I am making a vow to myself and I am making it clear to everyone who reads my blog. I will never give up anything else that is important to me. I will never again even consider if I can attend a concert or jazz event or hang out with friends simply because someone who doesn’t know me has made some rule that says since I am homeless I can not have a life. I will no longer allow people to tell me when I can eat, what I can eat, where I can eat and how I am to eat it. I will no longer allow people to tell me where to shit, how to shit and when to shit, when to talk or how to talk. I am homeless because of things going wrong in my life, not from drugs or drinking or criminal activity I refuse to be treated like a person who is in prison and must be managed simply because I am homeless.

Have a great weekend everyone. I don’t know that I will be able to access the internet again after today until Monday. The library is Hollywood is closed and Santa Monica has such strict policies with regards to homeless people being in there city. Like TALKING. The Los Angeles Central Library is way to close Skid Row for me and I don’t think I want to take the chance of going down there anymore. At least not right now.

The pictures with this posting are from my Tuesday night jazz that I took in with Natalie at Hollywood and Highland this week. There are also some pictures from the awesome time I had at the BAYOU FESTIVAL in Long Beach.

The Death Sentence….HIV

• Posted by Kengi on June 28, 2008 at 8:40pm

I had a very hard time sleeping last night and this isn’t the first night this has taken place. I’ve been having really bad dreams for about a week now and sine then I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep or staying asleep. Last night I slept for about four hours and I’ve been unable to sleep since then. It’s 8:30AM on Saturday the 28th right now. I should be getting ready for this free Jazz concert that I am going to in Watts.

My stomach has been in knots for about a week now and my stools are back to being very watery and when I have t go I have to go. Twice I haven’t made it, but thanks to underwear Natalie purchased for me, I’ve been able to only have to throw away underwear and not pants.

Yesterday was such a great day. I got to speak with my good friend and former boyfriend who I dated for 11 years, I also had a very productive day at APLA with Tiana. My friend Jo even had the time to sit with me through most of my meeting with Tiana at APLA. After we left Jo treated me to lunch and I was able to really share some things that I haven’t been able to share with anyone. Things about the passing of my Pops and what it was like for me the last year of his life as well as the last few weeks of his life. This is something I haven’t had time to think about or even shed a tear over. I also got to talk about how I have protected Ma from all that is going on with me. Since she is so sick, I don’t share what is going on with me and now that she no longer lived close enough to me to even have a clue, I don’t get to see her that much. After lunch Jo and I met with me my friend Natalie over at LACMA for Jazz. Once again it was great and it was very cool to be able to introduce Natalie to someone I have known since 7th grade, but have been out of contact with since we graduated high school in 1987. It was so awesome and felt very natural to just hang out with Jo the nervousness I felt at first all went away as soon as I saw her face and her smile and felt her hug.

By all accounts I should be able to sleep. I mean I have a place to at least sleep, although it isn’t permanent it’s better then the streets and far better then Skid Row. However, all this week I really haven’t been myself. Even my picture taking has changed. I always have my camera with me, but I am no longer taking it out as much as I did before. I guess it is safe to say that I am very concerned about everything.

I’ve always been in control of everything in my life and now I am not. I am depending on people for everything. I have no choice. It’s hard to find a job, when you don’t know where you will be sleeping. In the words of Scott Rowland from ASC, “everything is temporary……you may be here for a week and there for two days” I’ve never planned my life to be “temporary” and with what’s been going on for the past 16 and have months that’s exactly how things have been. “Tempory” When I hear employees of agencies so things like “nothing is permanent, it’s all temporary” this sends a clear message to me that I am very much alone on all of this and very much going to ave to get through this alone.

It was awesome meeting with Tiana on yesterday (Friday), I feel like together we were able to get so much done in way of getting the ball moving. However, everything we set into motion is now no longer in my hands or hers. We are now waiting for people to call back, waiting for forms to be faxed and signed and then hope they wont expire prior to me getting the service that I need. One of the key things I have really respected and enjoyed about working with Tiana so far is that she is HONEST and puts everything on the table. She tells me the way things are and doesn’t give false hope like she is some miracle worker like others have done. For example, Scott Rowland from ASC told me that having HIV is “great” and a “blessing” because I was now speaking to him. But what was he able to set into motion for me. NOTHING, did he tell me about any other housing options like those Tiana and I went over. NO. He simply pushed Skid Row and when I asked about other agencies his response was “I don’t think you will survive that place.” Of the numbers he gave me to call I have only gotten a call back from who and they told me that Scott needed to make that call, they also asked if I had filled out their paperwork already. “I can tell you Mr. Carr that this is why the other places haven’t called you back. They wont call you back. You must be referred to these programs. Your case manager must call and Scott knows this.”

So this is just part of the reason I haven’t been able to get much sleep, when I feel so uneasy about things and why I don’t trust anything that comes out of someone’s mouth until I have the service in hand. It’s been 16 and half months of people not telling the truth, not doing what they are PAID to do and then everything falls on me. I am not the only homeless person dealing with these issues and I will not call them a road block, because I can get around a road block, but DEAD ENDS are just that. DEAD ENDS.

The other reason is HIV. HIV has been a complete nightmare for me, from how I was told to the way things have gone ever since. I was told HIV was a “blessing” and that so many options and services would be open to me. Jennifer Murry made is sound like she was such a “wonder woman” that everything would be a cake walk for me. She promised I would be in touch with both GR and MEDICAL arranged through her. She promised I would never get a bill for staying in the hospital and this all was untrue. She said bell Shelter was the ONLY place she could get me into since I refused Skid Row. She swore that they would take great care of me, that I would have to leave my room or bed for anything. This was a lie, she even hid the fact that I was barley able to walk and required a walker and help getting to the bathroom. She “dumped” me into a facility that was nothing she said it was and they had no idea that I could barely walk.

Dr. Chin and Dr. Darr only made matters worse by rushing through answers or telling me “we’ll take care of this next time” When I was told not to come back until I could pay or get a reject letter from MEDICAL I was left to once again do my best to figure out things alone. “There’s no rush” is what so many people have told me. But I can’t help but feel that there is a rush. I don’t know enough about HIV and how it will affect me or my body enough to say that “there is no rush” and neither does anyone else. Especially when you don’t take the time to at least address what I am asking you to, answer questions I need answers to.

There’s this huge campaign about getting tested and knowing what your HIV status is. Well for me, knowing what my HIV status is has done nothing but make my life crazy. It’s done nothing but added to the stress I am already under, it’s added to yet more paperwork, more places I have to try to seek out, more information I need to have with me at all times. Please dot get me wrong, the only person I blame for my HIV is the person who lied to me about being positive in the first place and then he even lied about that.

I wake up now questioning my life. Is my being gay something that is wrong? Is HIV a curse from God? Have I run into so many dead ends with HIV care because I need to repent for being gay? I have gone from feeling so comfortable and happy with WHO I am and now I am questioning a part of my life that will now have a HUGE presence IN my life. HIV for me, has been even more destructive to my life then 16 and half months of homelessness. MEDICAL wont help me until I have an AIDS diagnoses and doctors and nurses and other staff at UCLA have said I just have HIV, I am not sick, so don’t worry. HUH?

“I’ll see you in two weeks” is what my new doctor said to me and granted I am sure she has a ton of things to do and a ton of patients she must see and take care of. BUT, I just came from a hospital that told me I was HIV positive and have had no luck with getting answers or treatment and I have to start all over again with all the fuckin tests and I have to wait. It’s like waiting for another death sentence.

If I am not sick enough for treatment or not sick enough for MEDICAL, then why bother telling me about HIV at all? I am not sick enough to take meds, so why the fuck tell me?

“You’re sick Mr. Carr, but not sick enough for anyone to do anything about it. But you’re fine, there’s no rush. You’re just HIV positive but you are in great shape” The why tell me. If there’s nothing you can do but shit by and watch me get sick, why not wait for me to get sick enough. I simply can not wrap my head around telling someone they have HIV, but they won’t start ANY MEDS to prevent then from getting sicker UNTIL they are sicker. It’s no wonder people don’t get tested and those that do get tested and they act like they don’t know they are positive I fully understand.

I have HIV, but I have to be sicker before I begin treatment. So what do I do? Please don’t say “don’t get sick” because I already am. I already am sick. HIV means I am SICK. I just have no symptoms from the SICKNESS. Since there are no SYMMTOMS for the SICKNESS, there is no TREATAMENT for the HIV.

My stomach is in knots, my head kills me every minute of the day. I have to now rethink my entire life. Is being GAY against God? Is HIV the curse for being GAY? It sure feels and sounds like it. I have HIV and I will not get any meds to PREVENT me from getting sicker. I can only hope to get sicker, to start meds to stop me from getter sicker or I can hope not to get sicker from the SICKNESS I already have (HIV) in order to prevent starting the meds to prevent me from becoming more sicker from the SICKNESS I already have.

For me HIV has been this

“Mr. Carr, you been shot and you are bleeding, but I cant do anything for you until you have bleed enough and the life is nearly gone, then we will give you help in order to keep you alive so your suffering can continue.”

HIV is in my eyes a death sentence, no matter how I look at it. HIV is very much a death sentence for me. Now everyday for the rest of my life I will be forced to fight much harder then I have already fought this far and with HIV some of my weapons have been taken away. Defending myself in a fist fight means I could give someone HIV and change their life forever, so fist fights are no longer an option for me. I am homeless and fist fights have very much been par for the course, so what do I do?

I’ve spent my life cooking for people, catering on movie sets, private parties and weddings. I cut myself all the time and I am very careful, but I didn’t have HIV before, so now I will have to really think about how I will rebuild my life from scratch, because now I have HIV. I am way more stressed and more concerned about homelessness because of HIV and now I am way more worried about ever returning my life to the way it once was because of HIV. FOR ME HIV is a death sentence.

KIMARIE…..MY “Get It, Got It QUEEN”

• Posted by Kengi on June 29, 2008 at 2:15pm

Someone very special to me has joined my network. She is someone who has stood right by me from the very start. She has been a “go to” for love support, friendship, shelter, a shoulder to cry on and a source of so much joy, laughter and growth.

My friend Kimarie is truly an amazing woman and a GREAT human ANGEL here on earth. I call her the “GET IT, GOT IT QUEEN” she is a HUGE part of my heart and one of the major reasons I haven’t given up.

Since meeting her she has been a LIFE LINE for me and for so many others. For those who don’t know, it was Kimarie who allowed the use of her AWESOME Salon and Village free of charge for things like Extreme Makeover for Homeless people, KICK START and so much more. She opened her home to me and even offered me free office space to run The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation and the Do Something Saturday~that empowers people outreachers. She stood by me and defended me when others called my integrity into to question.

It was Kimarie who allowed this wounded soldier to rest while she stood watch and defended me. Kimarie has been a CONSTANT source of UNCONDITIONAL friendship, love and support.

“Kengi, when are you taking yourself out of timeout?” she asked me once.
It was at Kimarie’s where I rested after Sickle Cell and my cancer treatments. I am so happy to welcome her to this network.

I love you KIMARIE and I always will. You are my strength when I am weak, my shelter from the ranging storm, my task master when I need pushing, chastising and reminding, you are my sister, my friend my GET IT, GOT IT QUEEN. I love you.

I so look forward to having you here and thanks so much for the AWESOME pictures you have already posted. I know you are very busy, but I hope to see you in the groups as well.

WELCOME!!!!!

It’s 3:30AM

• Posted by Kengi on June 30, 2008 at 11:38am

It’s 3:30AM Monday morning and I have spent the last two hours out walking trying to wear myself out so I can fall asleep. So far it hasn’t worked. I have so many things that I am worried about. With all the worry come all the scenarios that are played out in my head. All the “what if”

Yesterday I was able to take some time for myself and try to relax. I spent some time doing things that make me feel good. I went hiking early in the morning, spent time working on my blog, I spoke with my good Jason whom I have been friends with since 7th grade for about two hours and then I spent an evening under the stars listening to Jazz/Blues in Pasadena with my friend Natalie. Barbara Morrison is now one of my favorites. Blues music has long been a cool sound that I’ve really liked and now I feel I am starting to not only like it, but understand it.

Natalie and I met up around 4:00PM Sunday afternoon. My plans were to go to church, but, that wasn’t going to work for me. I didn’t want to be made to feel guilty for not having on the “right clothes” or arrive in the “right car” with the “right suit and shoes” on. Besides all that, I certainly didn’t have the “right offering” and I didn’t want to leave church feeling like I was going “right to hell”

Natalie is so funny. She no longer asks me what I need, she has become like my second Mother/sister/best friend. While eating she says.

“Kengi, you need a nose hair trimmer”

“Damn have I gotten that old, or have I been homeless that long?”

“Both” she says and we both laugh

“Where is that 99 cent store?”

“I think it’s on Highland…..or is it La Brea?” I reply

Our conversation continues for a bit and then we both say “It’s on La Brea” we both break out into laughter

Right after eating we head to the 99 cent store only to forget why we went there in the first place. Not five feet into the store we look at each other and say.

“What did we come here for?”

“Natalie you know I am old, homeless and my nose hairs are too long. Do you honestly think I can remember what we came here for? Where’s my phone?”

We both laugh more and Natalie says “You and that phone.”

“Shit my life has changed so much.” I chuckle.

“Yeah, I know. Let’s find you some stuff.” She laughs

We went in for a nose trimmer and leave with shampoo, conditioner, water, extra strength Excedrin, Extra gum, Wet Ones, bubbles, Jordache VINTANGE and oh yeah, the nose trimmer.

I know some of you are still stuck on the Jordache VINTANGE. LOL. It says “our version of Polo Black”

“OOOOO boy you smell good. What is that you have on?” this woman in the elevator asks.

With a straight face I say “Polo”

“Polo don’t smell like that on my man.” She says as she leans in to get a close sniff.

“Always bet on black baby. Don’t let the smooth taste fool ya.” I said and everyone in the elevator broke out into laughter.

This lady wasn’t going to let this rest until she could get her man to smell as good as me. “Where did you get it, cause I am going to get my man some?”

“Ya man will never smell as good as me baby. It’s not Polo Black ok. Damn. It’s from the 99 cent store. Jordache. You happy now?” I said laughing.

“Hell yeah!!!. Shit, now I don’t have to spend no 50 or 60 bucks. Go get his ass some 99 cent shit and slap and leave it at that.” We were all in tears as the elevator doors opened.

As we started walking toward the park for the concert she and I started talking and as it turns out she is a Delta and this was the spot for Deltas on Sunday evenings. Since I am a Kappa Man we had a great conversation as we walked toward the band shell and for a little bit I felt as if my life was back. I was laughing, talking with a Delta and later being introduced to other Deltas, Q’s, and my fraternity brothers Kappas.

It’s 3:45AM on Monday morning and I am wide awake. The room I am in has no internet, so to try to calm my mind and relax I am on my laptop remembering the cool day I had today and the awesome life I once had, not long ago.

Good night or should I say Good Morning?

Down to 70 and now into stage 2. GAME ON!!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on June 30, 2008 at 6:38pm

Today I went to see my HIV doctor today and I left feeling worse then I already do. I didn’t think this would be possible because according to all I am reading and all I have been told, my T-Cells are “great” and I am in “the best possible place”

Back track with me for just a minute. When Harbor UCLA told me I was positive I was told my T-Cells where a little over 300 and my Karnofsky scale was marked as being 80 (Stage 1) the day before I left the hospital I was told my T-Cells were 480 and the scale remained the same. When I went back for the first follow-up visit the T-Cells changed again to over 530 and the scale again changed to 90 (stage 1) This entire time I was told that T-Cells don’t change that much, but there has been no explanation as to why mine have changed. I have just been told I am “fine”

I’ve questioned everything, every step of the way simply because everyone who is supposed to be on the same team had very different answers when it came to things like when I should begin treatment and why?

With USC I was told my T-Cells were higher then what UCLA told me they were. They are now 837, however they do not have my viral load back, so they don’t even know how much if the HIV virus is in my system and I am now waiting for that test to come back. BUT GUESS WHAT? My scale changed again. It’s now 70 (stage 2), I am also boarder line diabetic. Oh yeah I am “obese” But I still in the best place. I am healthy.

I will not see my HIV doctor for three months when I will come in for monitoring. I am supposed to reduce stress eat better and try to take better care of myself.

My scale just dropped for 90 to 70, but I am fine and now I am borderline diabetic. Since my viral load isn’t back yet, all housing options off the table until I get these results. This means I will not be considered for anything that might open up. Going from 90 to 70 doesn’t sound like someone who shouldn’t be worried about health care. It also doesn’t sound like someone who is in the “best place” it sure doesn’t feel like a “blessing” and I don’t feel like I am “healthy”

I’ve done everything right, so how did I get HIV and I am still doing everything right and my scale is going DOWN, so how do I reduce stress? How can I not look at HIV as a curse or the fact that I am Gay as a sign from God that I have done wrong?

I don’t have the answers to all those questions, but I don know this. The God I love and serve is a mighty, just and loving God. He created me in his image and I am GAY, so I will not believe for one second that this loving God created me in his image only to curse me.

Where do I go from here? Just like with everything in my life, I will educate and empower myself. After three weeks of being told I needed to be a fuckin member of some lousy homeless agency in order to take a shower, I got mad and made my mind up that f I was going to get myself through and out of homelessness I was going to have to fight every step of the way and remain vigilant and tenacious about making it through and making people do with they are PIAD to do and in many cases making agencies and organizations accountable for all they claim to do for homeless people. Not just for me, but for all homeless people regardless of how, why or when they became homeless.

Today I have learned that I will have to do the same thing with HIV. Just like homelessness there are plenty of roads I could take toward treatment, so will lead to dead ends and some will take the long drawn out way, some will have great results and plenty more setbacks, but I will have to be my own navigator, my own educator, my own support system. Please don’t get me wrong or misunderstand what I am saying here. I love all the advice and support that I have received from so many people right here from this very network. I still welcome it as well. I am saying this, just like with homelessness, I am now making all the choices, calling all the shots and doing all the work. No one is going to love me, care for me, push for me, demand for me, be a voice for me or be an advocate for me better then me.

In the words of my friend Kimarie “GAME ON!!!!!!”

Homework Assignment. I think I get an A PLUS

• Posted by Kengi on June 30, 2008 at 8:00pm

HOMEWORK

WOW, this was a very easy assignment. I just needed to dig out all my notes. LOL So here goes. I even did some extra credit work.

APLA

I am mixed race, so yes, the group at APLA ran by Dannen Aiken would be an option for me. However after speaking with Bart from Being Alive and getting other information from Tiana from APLA and from a few other places, I went the support group led by Brian also from APLA that is for newly diagnosed HIV clients. I attended my first meeting last week and it was cool. I plan to attend again on Wednesday night this week.

I have already sent several emails and have left several messages for Mr. Campos that have gone unanswered. As far as mental heath goes I have no issue with my mental health and I have plenty of doctors that will back this up. I have no plan to hurt myself or anyone else for that matter. In the past speaking with people who deal with mental health issues they are looking for reasons to place someone on meds. I don’t need any meds and I will not allow anyone to convince me that simply because I cry or get down about all that I am going through to I need to be on meds. Nope, my mind is sound and will remain that way until God calls me home.

Extra Credit

I met with Tiana from APLA last week and mapped out all my housing options. I was even able to give her some options that she wasn’t aware of like Venice Community Housing. Together she and I came up with a PLAN for me. I also got all paperwork and forms to be filled out by my doctor to help me further down the road to housing. I turned them in today. One day before they were due back. Since I now have to wait for a viral load all housing options are on hold until I have that. I was supposed to get this today, but someone it wasn’t available to me. it is also important to note that the forms I filled out have expiration dates. If they are out of date, I will have to start all over.

I also reached out to Brain Risley who is the program manager and treatment educator at APLA. I met him last week. He is aware of who I am and what I am dealing with. I hope to meet with him before the holiday. If not I am fully confident that he will get back with me and fit me in as soon as his schedule will allow.

I emailed John Riley also from APLA who is the benefits counselor. I hope to hear from him soon.

Sara Taylor. SKID ROW

I spoke with her twice when I was in the hospital at Harbor UCLA. She told me to contact her once I was out of the hospital. I have done this 8 times and she hasn’t gotten back with me.

HOPWA

All my HOPWA paperwork is filled out and has been turned in for two weeks now. It took me a while and some searching before I was able to find out where to go and who to speak with. As soon as I got the application I made sure it was filled up and turned in to Gabriel the very next day. The only paper lacking was the form I needed Harbor UCLA to sign but they refused. Please see my youtube video.

EXTRA CREDIT

I went to USC Medical Center after UCLA refused to help. I had to start all over again because not only did UCLA refuse to sigh the forms for HOPWA, they also refused to give me a copy of my labs.

In contacting USC Medical Center I met Carla my current social worker who got me placed into a hotel in Hollywood. This is my second week. Aids Service Center told me Skid Row was my only option since I don’t have any money to pay for housing. This was told to me by Cassie. Just last week Scott Rowland also from ASC reminded me that I am “operating with zero” and also told me skid row was my only option. He also told me to get over having a gun placed in my face there.

HOPWA INFORMATION

You are right, there are plenty of services out there. In what will be 17 months of homelessness on Tuesday of this week, believe me I know this far better then the people who work full time and get paid a good amount of money to do so know what’s out there. My homelessness isn’t from me not trying to turn things around, it from people not doing their jobs and then hoping I will simply give the fuck up and go away. My parents didn’t raise a quitter, they I will be the hemorrhoid in their asses until they do what they required and paid to do. I do all that is required of me and then some, but I am still homeless.

With each agency comes more papers to fill out, more places to trek to get signatures, many of which could be handles by making all forms THEY SAME FOR ALL AGENICES, but this is too much like right. Making me and other homeless people run all over to get things signed several times keeps us homeless, adding things like expiration dates on forms only makes things that much harder, then top it off with someone who doesn’t give a fuck.

So there is my homework assignment and I even did extra credit.

Just as a side not. I have had a bed ticket with the Union Rescue Mission some 5 times and each time there have been problems with staff there from refusing to let me enter because the ticket issued was done wrong and I left sleeping and fighting outside, from people refusing to do what they are told b someone as high up as Andy Bales the CEO and President of the Union Rescue Mission.

PATH MALL

This isn’t some one stop shopping like Joe the CEO claims. I know this from going there several times and getting no help.

Blogs from 2008 (March 8-May 26)

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Big Thanks

• Posted by Kengi on March 8, 2008 at 7:09pm
• HeyI want to say a HUGE thanks to all my friends who supported my efforts on March 1st. I had a great time and I am sure that people we were able to reach were very happy for the help we provided.TINA and ANDY. You two ROCKBrian, thanks for the use of the carSarah, thanks for the bus pass and the cash. I used it to buy burgersNatalie Thanks for spending the day with us. i used your money to buy more burgers.I love all of you and thanks so much for your support.I will log on tomorrow and upload a video and pictures. I miss this blog so much

New Pics

• Posted by Kengi on March 9, 2008 at 4:09pm
• 
• As promised I am posting some photos. I hope you enjoy them and once again thanks to everyone for all the love and support of me and my outreach project.Please visit the “photos” tab near the top of this page. Blessings

Hey, Hey

• Posted by Kengi on March 9, 2008 at 4:30pm
  • Posted by Kengi on March 16, 2008 at 11:04pm
  • This past week or so has been one heck of a ride. I’ve been in so much pain and it all came to a head over the past three days. My body just gave out on me. I’m pretty good a hiding the pain I am in at most times. I do this because I dont want people to feel sorry for me or treat my any different. I also dont want people to not include in things simply because they feel I am too sick.My Sickle Cell kicked into high gear and I was unable to do this. My body felt as if it were going to just rip apart. My chest has been on fire and I feel like a MAC truck i sitting on it. It has been this way since before I was in the hospital at Long Beach Memorial Hospital. They said nothing was wrong, but I know I should be having this feeling.I am so tired and it has been very hard for me to even get the energy to get up. It hurts to open my eyes and at times I spit up lots of blood. I know this is taking its toll on Brian. I know it must be very hard for someone to take care of someone and not have the person tell them why they are not feeling so well.The great thing I think about and I know is great and a real blessing is this. I AM HERE. I AM ALIVE. God is good and I know I have it in me to get through this.It was so cool to log in today and see the cool blog posts from Karla and to get all the cool messages from Sara, Karla and Susie. You guys ROCK.When I opened my email tonight I had a cool $50 gift card from a new friend name KATE. If you recall she is the lady who got me the items I was in bad need of. Well she has found BIKE for me and this is awesome. Today was great to log into my email and get the $50 target card from her. I am sure Sarah will tell you that I will use the card on other people instead of myself and this is true. I am not sure how I will use the card, but I do know that I will use most of it to help other people.THE BIG GIVEI caught the last part of this show THE BIG GIVE. I don’t know if any of you have seen it. I liked the show. But I guess what is so sad to me is the fact that you have to PAY people to get them to give or care about others. Americans seem to be the worst when it comes to this. We seem to be so hell bent on getting all we can and caning all we get and sitting on the pot to spoil the rest that we cant even see that we are all on the same SHIP that is sinking.

    I’ve been so blessed to have some pretty special in my life that have given to me in a HUGE way. Brian, Sarah, Christina, Natalie, Andy, Tina, Kimarie and Cat. and now KATE. I am also very blessed to have people like Karla and Susie is my life who send me such awesome messages and place cool posts and comments.

    I will not give up fighting for myself because I know this is what GOD would have me to do. This is my test and I know I have it in me to come through. God takes people through things so they can grow and learn and become a VOICE for others.

    My Mother may not be the queen, but my Father’s KING of everything. So I guess that must make me ROYALITY. I have a task to complete here and I will complete it. The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation and my Do Something Saturday~that empowers people will move forward because it is blessed by GOD.

    Thanks for all the love and support everyone.

    Blessings

    I am sorry I am unable to post pics with this posting



Last night I had the chance to do one of the things that brings me so much JOY and happiness. I had the chance to cook dinner for Brian and myself.

I cooked Pork Chops smothered in gravy, green pears with butter and mashed potatoes with skillet gravy. It was pretty good too.



I miss cooking so much. It always relaxes me and puts my mind and soul at ease. Last night was awesome to be able to do that because I know have some many things n my mind. I wake everyday in so much pain and it takes me a long time to get going.

I know I will need to find a place to stay very soon. Brian hasn’t come right out and said this, but actions speak much louder then words. I know I am not easy to deal with when I am sick, plus I don’t have an income so this must be taking its toll on Brian.

Tomorrow I will try to get a cot at one of the missions in Downtown LA. I am worried about this because I don’t have the energy or strength to fight with people. Moreover I don’t have the energy to stand in line and get issued a bed ticket that is rejected by the staff of the Union Rescue Mission.

Speaking of the Union Rescue Mission (URM) I got a call from them wanting to set up a meeting with me and Mr. Bales. He is the CEO and President of the mission. He wants to speak with me regarding the way I was treated by his staff. I believe it was Mr. Bales that told me they would donate items for my Do Something Saturday outreach project. I found this a bit odd because why should he donate to my program when they do such a lousy job with the program they already have in place at the mission. Well they didn’t donate a darn thing and I knew they wouldn’t. It was just more talk and no action. Sometimes people say things because they sound good, but when it comes to delivering the goods, they aren’t anywhere to be found.

It’s 4:40PM right now and I am sitting at the library. They close in 20 minutes so I have to make the most of my time left. I have sent out 50 resumes for jobs I found on craigslist and on my walk back over to Brian’s place I will fill out two applications where I saw Help Wanted signs.

Thanks Karla for posting here on my blog and thanks again for all the cool comments. Susie and Sarah, thanks very much for your love and support and cool comments as well.

How I am doing?

Inside my prison….”It’s too late for me, go help someone else.”

• Posted by Kengi on March 26, 2008 at 6:21pm



I hear many people talking about homelessness, but not many are willing to stand up and do anything towards making the situation better. I think this is because many people are afraid that it is so close to their own life and then there are those who feel homeless people aren’t worth a damn. In fact there is a network on here that asked me not to join because all i have to talk about are sad things and people dont want to here about sad things.

One of the hardest things for me has been the fact that I can no longer provide for myself. From the time I moved out of my parent’s home I have always been able to take care of me. I had great job and I made awesome money. I am college educated and I have been able to leave the country and travel all over this country.

When cancer hit me for the 5th time and the ongoing fight with Sickle Cell my life checking and savings accounts were nearly gone. I had to start using money that I had put away for when I was much older. I guess that came much sooner then I had thought.

It’s very hard for me to see how I could go through that amount of money in such a sort time with hospital stays flying all over the place to try to find Dr’s that would cure me of this cancer. Today I don’t have this luxury and I know my body and is paying for it. I haven’t been able to go to the Dr for over two months now. My cancer treatment is on hold while they try to allow my liver to heal and look for ways to repair my liver. I’ve had 7 referrals to specialist that would take me on as a patient, but I am unable to pay for it, so I will never know if the liver can be fixed. My prayer is that it will heal on its own.

With each passing day I seem to find more and more things going wrong. I am getting up at lest three times a night to urinate otherwise I will wet the bed. My stool is never solid anymore and many times has blood in it. The other day while taking a shower I noticed a huge lump on my side. I am really hoping that it will go away, but my gut tells me that it could be something else going wrong. My legs give out on me and at times in the day I feel as if I might fall flat on my face. I’ve had this constant headache for well over two months, there are times when it is so bad that I almost cry. Then there are times when it is so bad that I can hardly see. I have frequent nose breeds and I now have what I am calling boils appearing on my body. The worse on right now is on my lower back. It causes me so much pain that I can hardly sit and when I stand for a long time I feel as if my back will explode.

My chest has never stopped hurting. It feels like a have this huge weight on it. It stays tight and at times it kills me to even breathe. My left arm is numb most of the time and there are times when my speech is just all strange. I cover this with my friend Brian by pretending to talk funny or act like I don’t hear him when he is talking to me. However there are times when we are talking that I can’t hear a thing.

I have teeth that really need to have a dentist take care of. Even though I’ve always hated the dentist, I always made sure i went twice a year. Now my teeth cause me so much pain and my back teeth hurt all the time. Some have even begun to fall out and chip away. I went to to the free clinic, but they said they couldnt help, that they dont do major dental work. So since i cant afford to go to the dentist, then I guess this will be yet another thing that will soon fail me

All these medical problems and then not being able to but things for myself has really depressed me. There are times when I wished that God would just take me while I am sleeping or when my chest feels as bad as it does sometimes I wish my heart would just explode and get this over with.

I get up each day with the hopes that it will be a great day. I spend most of each day pretending I am alright and doing my best to mask the enormous amount of pain that I am in. there are times when the pain is fine for me to deal with. But those times are far and few in-between.

I remember once when I was crying on Santa Monica Beach and this lady walked up to me and asked if a quarter would make it better? She didn’t ask what was wrong with me, she never asked while I was crying or if I was in any danger. “Would a quarter make it better” is what she said. When I didn’t respond to her she sat the quarter beside me and said “It’s a sunny day, put a smile on your face.”

I feel like I am in some sick prison inside my own body. Trapped inside with no way out while my body and life falls apart. There is nothing I can do to stop it because the means that I had to fight off this attack aren’t there anymore and now I must sit and watch while the proud, strong, kind and loving person dies very slow. In order not to let on that I am in the shape I am in, the outer part of this shell I am in puts on a smile and pretends I am ok. While on the inside I am in so much pain, filled with so much rage, angered by what is happening to me, outraged by the fact that the places that are supposed to be there to support me aren’t and there is nothing I can say or do about it because I am HOMELESS.

There was a time in my life when I was able to provide for me and other for that matter, but that time has gone. For me this has been very hard. knowing that if I had the means i would get the best care and I would still be living inside my own home with my own things and providing for myself.

I no longer know where my sports trophy’s are, nor do I know where my year books, family photos, diplomas, pictures from the life I once knew. It’s one thing for someone to wish for a life they never had, but something totally different to know how things really are for those who have plenty. The places I use to be able to go, no longer, the things I use to do, to buy no longer. The medical bill i use to be able to afford, no longer.

It’s hard for me to find a reason to smile, but I do my best. It’s hard for me to get up and think about others who are in my situation, but I do. I wish I could do more then just offer a pair of socks or a burger to another homeless person. I wish i could really help them through what I no is a very dark and very, very isolated period in their life.

I am starting to understand why people I use to talk to would say “It’s too late for me, go help someone else”

Staph Infection # 4

• Posted by Kengi on March 29, 2008 at 1:38pm



So I have yet another Staph Infection. This time it is on my lower back. Right where my backpack rubs against it. This mornign shortly after I left the Union Rescue Missin where I will be staying for 60 days i had to go wash my shirts because the area began to bleed. I think its because my backpack rubs against it.



While at the laundrymat it really started to bleed. After washing I went into the market where I asked if it was ok to change my clothes and try to clean the area where the soar is. The woman was both very nice and was also very concerned. She gave me a bottle of water and made sure I was ok. That was very cool.

I made a trek over to the free clinic here in Downtown LA, but I have to line up to 5:30AM in order to get an appointment for the same day. So I missed my chance to get some supplies and have the area looked at just in case it really needs amedical attention.

While I walked this morning i took some pictures of things I saw and thought would make some cool pictures. I hope you enjoy them. I also placed more pictures of my night and morning in the photo area.

I am really doing my best to remain in good spirits, but right now I am very tired and i really need to get some much needed rest. I wasnt able to get much sleep at the mission last night.

Good to be FREE

Today is my first day up and about. I was released from Harbor UCLA Medical Center on Friday. However the place they told me I was going to would be a skilled nursing facility. YEAH RIGHT.

I had to change my own bandages this morning. I am not allowed to have food or drinks in my “Room”. It isnt a room to begin with. The pics with this posting are the way i have to walk to the bus to try to find some medical support and a better safer place for me to rest.

The area I am in is old warehouses. Some still in use and other not.

This “shelter” is billed as a skilled nursing facility. There is no Dr on site. he comes once or twice a week. it’s ran by the Salvation Army. Take a good look at where your donations have been providing.

Even though I was given a walker. I cant use it outside because the area where I have been sent has no paved roads. My walker will get stuck and I will fall.

I was told I would be able to rest here. However staff woke me at 5:00AM to tell me to go eat breakfast. I was told I could have bed rest. but if i want meals I have to walk to the area that is in another building to eat.

• Posted by Kengi on April 12, 2008 at 2:35pm

Harbor UCLA Medical Center…….my days in hell

• Posted by Kengi on April 12, 2008 at 3:00pm

Dark Days…my stay at Harbor UCLA Medical Center.
Wednesday, April 2

I really don’t know where to begin. All I can tell you is that my life is already full of so much crap, but I know it is about to get even worse. I am doing my best to keep my cool and not let this latest hurdle in my life cause me to feel like I am defeated or feel like my life is over. I do know that what I might be about to face will be much tougher for me to deal with. It will test my faith and most of all cause me to have moments when I feel like I should just give up. But I know I am way strong then anything that will come my way.

This went on all weekend and trays were never collected from my room

These next two pics were dinner that was sent to me just as you see it in the pictures

I talk about being homeless all the time here on this blog. I am very open about things I go through and I am also very open about how I feel and what my current state is. I’ve talked about and even posted videos on both youtube and google about what I feel and how I’ve been treated by places such as OPCC, Saint Joseph’s Center and the Union Rescue Mission.

I’ve haven’t blogged too much about my medical care. It’s something that is very private, so it’s been a part of my life that I keep private. I think it was my friend Karla who is an awesome member of this network ( http://projectkengikat.ning.com/) that sent me an email of encouragement and said there are some things I must keep to myself. She was so right. There are plenty of things I keep to myself. I do this because I don’t ever want people to become so focused on me and what I am dealing with that the fact that is an estimated 98 thousand homeless people in LA County alone. Many who read my blog know I feel this number is far greater then this.

I don’t blog about not being able to eat for days, I don’t blog about getting blisters from walking all day and night. I don’t blog about late night nose bleeds and not having supplies to clean my face or a place to us the bathroom late at night and then holding it as long as I can until I shit on myself. I don’t blog about the nights I cry because I feel so alone. I don’t blog about being asked to get off the bus because I am sleeping or I smell or I have already ridden it too many times. Even though I have a bus pass and I am entitled to ride as much as I want.

It’s 11:30PM right now and I am in Harbor UCLA Medical Center. I am very confused, in a ton of pain and I’ve been crying a great deal today as well. This morning I was told that I might I may be HIV positive. I didn’t cry right away, because I really thought I was dreaming. But then it sat in. I was looking sitting in the chair looking at the window when I picked up the phone and called m Great Aunt Loraine. My cell phone is dead and my charger is at Brian’s. I have her number written down in my backpack. Soon after hearing her voice I began to cry. This was a cry that was long overdue for me.

Dealing with homelessness and all else that I have been going through has really been very hard for me. I don’t have anyone I can turn to for support so I keep things inside. There is never anytime for tears in my life. No matter how hard things get, there is no time for crying. However today was the day it all came out. All the pain, all the hurt, all the anger……it all came out when I heard the voice of my Great Aunt say “hello”

I asked my Aunt to call my brother to have him call me. My cell phone was dead so I was unable to get his number and other numbers Ii no longer know by memory. I had her number in my backpack on a piece of paper from the visit I had with her and my cousin less then 3 weeks prior to this day.

“Hello”

“Hi Aunt Loraine”

“Hello”

“Aunt Loraine can you hear me? This is Louis.”

“Yes, I hear you baby. I knew who you were. I recognize your voice.”

With my tears already rolling I told my Aunt where I was and why I needed to speak with my brother. Even though my face was filled with tears, my voice was steady and remained strong. My aunt is old and I didn’t want to alarm her or cause her any stress. That didn’t last very long, because I then just started balling like a small child.

“Hey, hey, hey” she said firmly. “You are a strong young man, and this is no death sentence, especially for you Louis. Now you get yourself together. Do you hear me?”

“Yes Ma’am” I replied.

“Now you remain strong. Your faith and strong will get you through this and you have to remember this. Auntie loves you and you call or stop by if you need to talk do you hear?

“Yes Ma’am”

Ok, I will call your brother and tell him o call you. You stay strong and I love you.”

“Thank you Auntie. I love you too”

From there things just went down hill. The person from my HIV team took very little discretion in letting me know that the first few tests all seem to point to HIV. I was in a room with 3 other patients and all of them overheard what she told me. The wack job in the bed next to me began to make comments and jokes about HIV and AIDS. Then the guy across the room began to join in.

“I don’t want to catch AIDS and die……..” he laughs

“Yeah, I don’t want that fruity stuff neither.” the other chimes in.

When my nurse came back I then asked to be moved to another room. I explained why I wanted to be moved but, I was told no.
“Either I will be moved to another room, or I am leaving. This isn’t open for debate. I refuse to stay in this room where people are making jokes about my condition that they have no right to even know about.”

“I will do what I can.” The nurse says

After about 10 minutes I was told there were no other rooms and I would have to remain in the room I was in. She told me she would talk to the person who was making the comments. They all new damn well who had made the comments. He was the very patient that would ring his light to tell them not to bother him because he was on his way to heaven. He was the same person demanding for 5 blankets.

I began to get dressed. I was taking putting on my shoes when my nurse came back in and asked

“Mr. Carr what is wrong? You can’t leave. You are very sick.” She says

“I told you I was not staying in this room and I meant what I said.” I replied

She left the room and returned within minutes only to tell me that there was another room and they would move me to it. They just needed to prepare it. However once she left another nurse told me I would have to remain in my current room. This wasn’t going to happen. I put my shoes on and started walking towards the door. I was very tired from not sleeping or eating the night before. The E.R. never once gave me water or food.

I didn’t get too far before I fell again hitting my head. This was now my 4th fall and blow to my head in this hospital. I fell twice in the E.R. while following nurses from one area to the next. I again fell when the person from E.R. took my up to the 4th floor and left me hanging on to a windowsill. The nursing staff had no idea I was even on the in the room.

Right now I am so disgusted with the medical treatment I have been receiving here at Harbor UCLA Medical Center. I’ve had to yell and scream at my Dr’s to simply get to the restroom. I’ve informed staff that I can’t eat fish that isn’t fresh. I have a huge reaction to it. I asked for milk not to be on my diet. I’ve had one meal with fish and nearly every meal comes with milk on the tray. Moreover the food is just simply sickening. I’ve eaten better meals from trashcans.

(Here are pics of meals I got while at Harbor)

This was breakfast my first morning. I never got a meal until this. I was in the ER and i was told they would take care of my food once I made it up to the floor)

(above was lunch, below was dinner)

Saturday, April 05, 2008. 6:00PM

Yesterday afternoon I asked for a patient advocate. I haven’t been able to get clear answers from my team of Dr’s. My HIV has given so much information and so much has been different each time. I am very lost here. Not being able to make calls or use the internet has really made me feel alone and very isolated. The Dr’s I have seem not to know what they are talking about, so I wanted some answers.

After leaving the patient advocate office I felt even more lost and even more untrusting of the care I am getting here and the level of care I get from support staff her far worse. But I am homeless and I have no right to complain about anything.

Today it all came to a head. Soon after I was woken up by my primary Dr. I called for help getting to the restroom. I did this 5 times and 5 times no one came. I got up and did my best not to fall while making my way to the restroom. I made it there and back to my bed, but 10 minutes later I had to go again. I again called for the nurse. 3 times my call light was turned off. I tried to get up again. This time I fell. I was on the floor for over 20 minutes before my nurse walked by and found me on the floor. I was so upset that I was through with being in this hospital.

She helped me up and I began to get dressed. I fell three more times while I was trying to leave. My Dr was paged, but he never came. I was told he would be there in 5 minutes and I should wait. I waited and he never came. I was told I couldn’t leave with the hospitals wheelchair. So I said I would get out of the chair. This went on for over 30 minutes. No supervisor was called and my Dr. still hadn’t answered is page and came up to the floor. I was pushed to the elevator by a nurse who pushed me into the elevator and left me.

It took me a while to turn the wheelchair around so I was able reach the floor buttons. Before I could hit #1 the elevator began to move. It went to the 8th floor. Then to the 5th and back up to the 8th. No one got on at either stop and even though I had pushed the #1 button the elevator didn’t respond. When I finally got to the first floor I thought I would try one last time to reach someone who could help. I rolled to the information window and asked.

“Ma’am I am a patient here and I need some help. I am having problems with the some support staff and my Dr’s. Can you tell me who I can speak with?” I asked

“You have to go back to your room and do those kinds of thangs upstairs. I don’t know who to call or who you can talk to.” She rudely replied. She then went back to her personal phone call. She was sitting behind the information desk. She sat her fat lazy ass behind the information desk but wouldn’t even try to help me. I turned around and began to roll toward the exit sign.

Just as I rolled past the guard station and put the brakes on I heard

“Mr. Carr, your Dr is upstairs waiting for you. I can not let you leave.”
I tried to stand, but he placed his body in the way which prevented me from getting up. He then called for a guard to help him. I was taken back upstairs where there was no Dr. waiting and no one to address my concerns. I was worn down. My vision was very blurry, my head was pounding, I was having problems breathing and my chest was really starting to hurt. I simply gave up and went back to my bed.

Later I would be assured by the head of the nursing staff whom I had to have overhead paged that she would address the concerns she could address. To pacify me she had someone from the dietary staff come in to talk to me. She made no mention of her staff turning off my call lights and not responding when I call for help. She also made no mention about people coming into my room who have no business in my room. She wouldn’t address the fact that I still don’t have a treatment plan or how my requests to speak to my medical team have not been honored.

Not feeling safe

Since I have been here in this hospital I am not feeling safe at all. I have had several people in my room that shouldn’t be in my room. Tonight shortly after 11:00PM a woman walks into my room wearing all black.

“How are you this evening” she says.

The only light in my room is from the hall way and the light from the TV. She is standing in the light which made it very hard to see her. She continues to walk toward my bed and I start to get up.

“I am fine, who are you?” I replied as I started to sit my bed up further.

Just as I started to do this she turned around and said. “I will be back”

I thought this was very strange for someone to be in my room and not identify who they are or address me by name like everyone else has done. I reached for the call light and sat on the bed for someone to answer it. This never happened. Not feeling safe I then leaned for my walker and fell on my left side. I was able to use the side of the bed and the walker to get back up. I moved toward the door. The door was blocked by the wheelchair, the linen rack and the tray food tray from the other bed. I have to try to move the all three while doing my best not to fall down. I reached for the chair I again almost fell because my walker got caught between the bed and the table from the next bed. The chair turned over and made a loud sound when it hit the floor. The light still wasn’t being answered. Just as I moved toward the chair Rebecca, my nurse whom I haven’t seen all night appears with the very same woman who was in my room just minutes earlier.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

“Why didn’t you answer me when I asked you a question?”

“I didn’t hear you.”

“Well if you didn’t hear what I said, why then was your reply “I will be back?”

“Sir I am sorry. I was making my rounds and I said I would be back I was making my rounds”
“Miss that isn’t what you said. There have been enough strange people in my room here and now here comes you and you refuse to tell me who you are. All you had to do was tell me you’re a nurse. I’ve never seen you before and now you’re standing in my room asking a question and acting very strange. I asked who you were and you left the room. Why would you do that?”

“I am sorry; I am filling in for someone……”

“I don’t care if you’re filling in for Moses. You do not enter a patient’s room and then leave the way you did. Didn’t they teach you that?”

“I wont come back to you room again this night.” She snaps

“Good, see to it that you don’t and if you do act like you have some training.”

My Pain Level

My pain is very intense. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, my pain has remained at a constant 10. I only ask for the pain medication when I can no longer stand the pain, my vision get so blurry that I can’t see my computer screen or the TV. I also ask when my ears ring so bad that I can no longer hear anything other then a high pitched ringing in my head. There are times when the pain is so bad that it feels just like there are a pair of hands inside my head shaking my brain which in turns makes the entire room look like a massive earthquake is taking place. The main reason I don’t ask is because by the time the nurses answer my call light and then bring my pain pill to me there is no point in taking it. It only makes me feel like I am going to vomit and the pain that is already at a 10 now moves to 20. This is when I cry. This is when my chest is pounding and my entire body feels like it is about to explode.

I do good dealing with the pain all day. I even do a great job when someone here on staff has upset me and this happens all the time. I know they try to get back at me by making me wait for pain pills or making me wait before they take me to the restroom. I know they think this is hurting me. I have hit my head at least five times from falling trying to get to the bathroom. My head is pounding all the time.

The staff here can play all the games they want. I am homeless and have been dealing with pain for sometime now. Them not giving me medication when I ask for it doesn’t hurt me at all. I am use to not having at all.

My night ended with no one answering my call lights or coming to my room to see if I was in need of assistance. I had two nose bleeds and had was forced to relieve myself in my bed. I sat in the chair most of the night. I was never given any pain medication even though I had pressed the call light 56 times. I was also never given my antibiotic for the infection that is on my back. I believe the infection on my back is MERSA, (??) so for me to miss getting any meds can be HUGE for me. It wont get any better if the medication isn’t consistent.

April 6, 2008 9:12PM

Today was yet another very bad day. The fact that I was in the chair for most of the night really didn’t help me start the day off right. As soon as I saw my morning nurse Gail I asked if she could clean my bed for me. She got on top of it right away. I told what had taken place the night before and she told me she was sorry.

When I can out of the bathroom my breakfast had already come. It was the same thing that it has been for the past three meals. Cottage Cheese, Jello, Celery and Carrots, Milk, Coffee and Butter. After not getting much sleep and having to sit in my own waste I was really upset when I saw this. I simply got back into bed and tried to go to sleep. It wasn’t long after I got back into my bed before the on call Dr came in. I don’t recall her name because she never told me it. She checked my legs and other things. She was pushing on my stomach when Ii let out an

“Ouch”

“Does that hurt?” she asked as she pushed even harder.

I gave her a nasty look and told her “yes it hurts a great deal”

She continued to push all over harder in the area where it hurt the most.

“How long has this being going on?” she asked

“Since not being able to PEE” I replied

She had no reply and left the room. Since she was a Dr. I assumed she would chart it or at the very least mention it to someone.

The next time I was asked anything about it was when the lady came to take my vital signs. Again no one came in to speak to me about it. When the nurse from the 3-11 shift was getting off, he came in and asked.

“Louie, you haven’t made a P P?”

“No I haven’t. I told that to the Dr. this morning”

I slept until around noon. I was talking with my friend Sarah when lunch came. The same thing as breakfast. Now I was really upset. I paged for my nurse and the light was turned off. No one came. I pressed the light again and it was turned off. This took place five times. So by the time someone finally came in I was very much pissed off. If it wasn’t for my friend Tina, I wouldn’t have eaten the night before. She was in the area and came by to see how I was doing. She went to get me some snacks.

I called my play sister in New York to let her know what was going on. She is a Dr and is very concerned about what has been taking place here at the hospital. She hasn’t been able to get through to my room. Many friends have told me that they are unable to get through to my room. Today after I left to go downstairs to get something to eat my Mother and Great Aunt were told that I was missing. I told the person who answered my light when my nurse was on break that I was going downstairs to get something to eat. He apparently never told anyone that he spoke with me.

This afternoon my feelings about my care here only got worse after receiving yet another meal of simply cottage cheese, carrot and celery sticks and Jello. I called to find out who was in charge of the hospital since my nurses were unable to resolve the matter with my meals. This was after the head of the nursing staff came to see me the day before and assured me she would take care of it. In fact she had a dietitian come to speak to me. Matters only became worse when the rude black girl who was answering the lights never told my nurse my light was on. I pressed the light again

“What?” she barked

“Don’t what me. Please tell my nurse to come in.” I barked back.

About two minutes later she came over the speaker and said “Your nurse is on break.”

“Then who is covering?” I asked

Her reply was a moan and “I don’t know.”

“Then find out and send them in.” I told her
She let out another moan and mumbled “fag”

When my nurse Rebecca came in I showed her what was sent to me for lunch and I told her what the lady at the desk had just said to me. I also asked for my Dr.

The Dr. covering tonight came back to see me and I told her what was going on. She assured me she would address the staff at the desk and told me she was sorry for what has been happening. I didn’t see her again until after 11:30PM when she came in to ask me when was the last time I had been to the bathroom. She later returned to tell me that they could either start an IV or do a more painful procedure to get me to go to the restroom. Since I am already in so much pain, I went with the IV.

Maybe now that I am on an IV someone will sit up and take notice that I am not being fed, nor do I get water.

Monday April 6, 2008

My day began badly. I didn’t get much sleep because of the pain I am in. As I have said before I am in constant pain. My breakfast again with fruit, cottage cheese, milk and Jello. This really outraged me. I was very hungry so to get yet another more food tray with nothing more then fruit, cottage cheese, milk and Jello was depressing.

After taking my morning meds I went down to speak with the supervisor of patient relations. This was after speaking with staff on the telephone and not feeling like they were honestly addressing my concerns here. Once I reached her office she refused to speak with me. She told me that the patient advocate is already involved and she would not get involved as well.

I went back to my room to retrieve my food tray and get the plate wrapped in foil that was delivered to me the night before. I took these items up to the patient advocate office whom I had met with last week. She assured me that all my complaints had been addressed. However, there was no change in my meals until after I had called her boss ad come to see her for a second time. My concerns about my medical team still haven’t been addressed and no change has been made. In fact I would say they have gotten worse.

When I returned to my room the dietitian soon came in to address my concerns. I showed her the tray I’ve been getting and she acted as if there was nothing wrong.

“So you don’t want fruit?” she asked

“I love fruit, but I don’t want it with every single meal. I also don’t want plates sent to me that are wrapped in foil. This looks like a plate from a church function or a very bad repass” I said as I pointed to the plate.

“Tell me what you want?” she said as if I was bothering her. She was clearly upset that I had been to the patient advocate and to the supervisor of the advocate. I also happen to believe that she felt insulted that I was questioning the meals served to me.

“NO SLOP, NO PREMADE FOOD. NO FISH, NO MILK” I snapped. I was so sick of having this conversation. I so sick of telling people that UNFRESH fish will make me sick. Milk will make me sick and plates with nothing more then fruit and cottage cheese isn’t a meal.

“Ok, no fish, no milk. I will document this.” She says

“The dietitian who came over the weekend was supposed to do this.” I replied

“This is the first time I have been made aware of this and I will correct it………”

“Is there an HIV food specialist here you can consult with?” I interrupted. I was growing tired of her excuses.

“Yes, there is. They will be in later this week, but I don’t think you will be here. If you are I will have them see you.” She says

“Thank you, have a nice day.” I dismiss her. She wasn’t interested in helping me and was clearly upset that I was questioning her.

Not 15 minutes goes by before she returns with two other people to address my concerns. This time they came with a menu for me to look over and eliminate the items I don’t wish to have and to make substitute suggestions. I was very thankful for this. However it started off bad. The person I had spoken to says

“You expressed that you are unhappy with the fruit tray we’ve been sending, so I have asked my team to come………”

“Excuse me, but fruit trays three times a day isn’t a meal, nor is it a diet. Don’t put words in my mouth. Fruit is fine. I love fruit, but that isn’t what I want to eat at every meal. All you’ve sent me all weekend and again this morning is FRUIT, COTTAGE CHEESE, JELLO and MILK. That isn’t a meal and don’t pretend like it is.”

At this point one of the other ladies jumps in and hands me the menu.

“This is the menu for this week. Why don’t you tell us what you don’t wish to have and we can help find some other solutions for you.” She says

We went over the menu and I felt like my concerns were finally addressed but I was bothered by how it needed to come about and also bothered by something that was said. “If you are still here……” This has led me to believe that I am going to be discharged from this hospital. This would not be the first time this has happened at a hospital.

Not long after speaking with the dietary staff I got a visit from my Dr’s. Who only made me upset again. Not having my questions clearly answered and feeling like I am bothering them when I ask questions, has really taken a huge toll on me. I am now very depressed and very unhappy with the care or lack thereof they are providing me. After speaking with them and then not getting a visit from the social worker as she said she would come to see me and after placing 5 phone calls to her. I now have every reason to believe that I will be released from this hospital with no place to go.

When I returned to my room I noticed that my door kept getting closed. I later found out that I was placed on contact isolation. My Dr’s never told me about this, so I was feeling and am still feeling like some sort of leaper. I am already depressed about the HIV and now I am very depressed about the MRSA. Since becoming homeless I have delt with some pretty tough shit. 24 fist fights for my laptop and digital camera (all of which I won) not getting services from places like OPCC, Saint Joseph’s Center, Union Rescue Mission, Venice Family Clinic and many others. Going days without sleep or eating, being told I can’t sleep on a bus or train. Being told I can not ride the bus because I am homeless. Not being able to take showers, clean my clothes or access services that most people think are at my finger tips. Seeing with my own eyes other homeless people die right in front of my eyes from a beating at the hands of another homeless person. Watching as homeless people get carted off to jail or have their belongings taken away by police or worse watching as police beat the shit out of them. I’ve watched as homeless people who have lived on the streets for God only knows how long die from lack or care. I carry lots of shit with me each day. Most people who have seen what I’ve seen would have cracked up already, started using and drinking already or worse taken their own life. I think I done pretty fucking well by dealing with the things I have seen and have gone through. I don’t need some Dr. telling me I need to talk or fucking with my head anymore then day to day life already does.

I have never once felt like I am not in control of what is happening to me or not in control of what I am able to do for myself. However since I have been here in this hospital I feel helpless. I have asked for second opinions and I have asked for other Dr’s to see me. I have asked to be placed on a different antibiotic for the MRSA. Not because I simply want to be on another one and not because I want different drugs. I have requested to this because the drugs they have placed me on I have already had with no success. So I don’t wish to be on something that I know hasn’t worked in the past.

Last night was the worst. The feeling of being closed into a room without contact from people was a feeling I have never had to deal with before. I felt like my movement has been restricted without me even being told. I was told by my nurse, not my Dr.’s that I was placed in “contact isolation” I went from having nurses in my room joking with me and making me feel much better and calm about what was going on to having them not in my room at all.

The phone is off at night. The hospital has a policy to shut off the phones, so there are no incoming calls. Furthermore, I am not even able to make calls past a 5 mile radius. My family is over an hour away. Calling them has never been an option. In addition to all of this the phone in my room hasn’t worked since I have been in the room. I have received no incoming calls. I have asked several times to have this corrected. Just like I had asked several times for my diet to be changed.

Last night (April 7, 2008) was a night that I really regret. I made the grave mistake of saying something that I knew I would never do and haven’t ever thought about doing since I was a kid. After all I have been through dealing with homelessness, nothing compares to having Dr.s who don’t listen. Dr’s who speak to you like you are stupid and dumb and don’t have a clue as to what is going on with your own body. Nothing is worse then being in a place where you feel you are getting worse or not being cared for. Nothing is worse to have the “oh you’re homeless” look on the face of someone who is supposed to be caring for you. Nothing is more crippling and isolating then to be told you are HIV positive and the person simply walks out of the room. Nothing more unsettling then to have Dr’s tell me my liver is failing and now have this set of Dr’s tell me my liver is fine. Last night I asked to speak to someone about what I was feeling. Who was called? One of the very people who have placed me in this state. I asked to speak with someone else and this was refused. I was told I needed to leave the hospital in order to do this. This was disheartening. The very place I was in for help was refusing to help me or provide me with what I was asking for. My request to speak with a counselor went ignored. My nurse Tess sat with me and told me to pray and have faith. It was my nurse who clamed me down.

Let me say that my nurses here at Harbor UCLA have been AWESOME. They have been very kind and very concerned for me. They have done what they could to make me comfortable here and make sure my concerns were being met. It was one of my nurses that went to buy me a sandwich after my meal wasn’t corrected. It was my nurse who calmed me down when I was told I was HIV positive when the Dr simply walked out. It was my nurse who cried and begged me not to leave this horrible place when I felt I wasn’t getting the care I so need. It’s been my nurses who have made me smile and have encouraged me to just be strong. It was a tech who told me to trust in God and to pray and know that God is a miracle worker. It was the same tech who gave me her lunch money so I could get on the bus or buy me something to eat. So I have a HUGE amount of praise and thanks for my nursing team and most of the support staff.

It wasn’t until this morning that my medical team began to pay attention to me and answer my many questions. But it took me saying I would hurt myself in order to get answers from them. I regret saying that. I love life and I love me more then anything. The last thing I would do is hurt myself because some lousy Dr’s wont pay attention to me. Not only would something like this just crush my mother and the rest of my family, but it also would crush all the work I have been doing. Most of all, I will go straight to hell.

I have no confidence in my Dr’s. and I have no confidence in the treatment I am getting here. Having said this, you don’t have to be bright to know that I wouldn’t have any confidence in their ability to treat my HIV. Right now I really don’t know what to do. Should I walk out of here and seek care some place else? Or do I sit and wait until this MRSA is under control? I have no clue as to what I am going to do. I do know that I don’t want to be here in this hospital one minute more, but I will not place myself or others at risk for getting this.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008. 8:25AM

After getting some rest, I’ve waken up with the mind set to be even more aggressive with getting my questions answered as to how much longer I will have to be here in this hospital and getting a copy of my diagnoses. I have asked for this for the past 4 days, but have been unable to get it. I am also going to be more aggressive with finding my own housing and treatment options. This is going to be a HUGE task for me because I do not have use of the internet, nor are they allowing me to go to the library anymore. I’ve had a “sitter” for the past 24 hours and all requests to leave my room have been blocked.

In order for me to sleep I ask for pain medication and a sleeping pill. Since the ordeal yesterday getting my pain meds have been a problem. Each morning my pain wakes me so I ask for my meds as soon as I sit up.
5:16PM

These were the flowers that my friend Sarah sent. I had to leave them behind because the place I am not at has no place for me to place the flowers

As the sun starts to make its way toward another sunset on another day that God has allowed me to see. I am blessed. Even in the middle of homelessness and all else I have been dealing with, I am blessed. Yes, even in HIV, I am blessed.

For the past year I have struggled through homelessness. I’ve done a pretty damn good job, if I must say so myself. I’ve also reached out to try, as best I can, help others in need just like me. HIV isn’t something that I can feel my way and guess about. I need to know. Like never before I am trusting in God and what I know he will provide me with. I am doing this because I know he knows what’s best for me.

(this was one of the best meals. My nurse went to get it for me when all i was delivered was jello and cottage cheese)

If you are reading my blog, or watching my youtube channel, please continue to keep me in your prayers. Please continue to keep people like me in your prayers. Please place my medical team in your prayers. I am trusting them take care of me.

Be blessed

How am I doing?

• Posted by Kengi on April 14, 2008 at 8:08pm

Well since I was released from Harbor UCLA Medical Center things havent been so great. During my 10 day stay there I was told i was HIV Positive and all the information that has followed has only made me that much more in the dark and so much more lost with what I am to do or where I go from here.

They released me to a shelter that I was told was a fully skilled nursing facility. I posted the pics of where I was released to in the photo area. You take a look and let me know if you think if that is a nursing facility. Not only was i not able to get rest, I had to leave the building in order to get meals and food nor water were allowed in the area where I slept. I can’t call it a room because it wasnt anything close to a room.

There also were no skilled nurses there either. There were no towels and bed sheets are only changed once a week. I must be in the shelter to request for clean sheets and new towel. I have MRSA and I was supposed to shower and dry off with the same towel for one week. I was given a walker when i left the hospital. I could not use this while going to the other building to eat. There are no paved sidewalks. Furthermore, breakfast was served around 5:00-5:30AM.

Throughout the night security, not nurses walk through with flash lights making certain everyone is in their beds. The first morning there one guy bled all over the floor and the so called nurse (long black hair) acted like I bothered her hour long texting session to have her clean it up.

“We didn’t force you to come here. I will clean it when i have time to.” she says after i asked here to clean the area

“If you truly cared about any of us in this so called nursing center you would clean it NOW. But since we are homeless and you are far too busy texting, then i guess things like blood on the floor can wait right? I mean after all, we arent worth a damn in your eyes.” I replied

“You can just leave. You dont have to stay here.” she says

The blood remained on the floor the entire day. She never made any effort to clean it and refused to let some of the men in the area who asked for mops to clean it do so.

The Dr’s at the hospital were even worse. They changed my T cell count so many times. Jennifer the social worker did nearly nothing. Everything she sad she would have ready when I was released wasnt ready at all. It wasnt until I called for support from the Union Rescue Mission that her boss got involved and even then things were very slow.

I am now in a area where I can’t leave. I have no money and no bus pass. My cell phone is dead and due to go off today. I am so lost and so alone. I was already feeling like I was in a deep ocean barely keeping my head above water and now with HIV I feel like I am underwater and I am choking from all the water getting into my lungs. Today has been the worst. Without my phone and money to move around and barely able to get an internet connection i will feel cut off, cornered, left behind, forgotten about.

So if you want to know how I am doing. i am doing lousy. I feel lousy and I HATE being lied to. I hate being told to “wait” simply because people like Jennifer who gets paid to help people like me has only made matters worse because she doesnt care. Now I am the one left to fend for myself.

The Dr.’s told me that I need to drink plenty of water. They also told me that the meds I am on can cause kidney stones if i dont drink plenty of water. It’s already been over 18 hours since my last trip to make a piss. When this happened in the hospital it went untreated until I had to be placed on an I V. The head on my HIV team told me to “drink more water” If i drank anyomore water i would fucking burst. I was drinking plenty of water and still havng a very hard time pissing. It was far too much for him to maybe room a test to make sure i didnt have some sort of infection.

I can almost not feel my left foot. While in the hospital the entire leg went numb from my knee down. They had no idea why it happened. I was told by another Dr that she recommended they run test before I left. No test were ran and i was never mentioned again.

How do I feel? I feel worthless. I feel like the very people I will depend on to help me through HIV will only fail me just like all the places who have failed me throughout my time being homeless. This time their neglect, lack of respect and thier ability to care can cost me my life.

Please dont get me wrong. I dont blame anyone for my homelessness, nor do I blame anyone for my having cancer, sickle cell and now HIV. I do however, blame people and organizations who sit by and allow things to get worse. It’s sad to me that as a homeless man suffering through so much, that I just might have to die in order to get people to sit up and pay attention to what is going on in this country.

Homeless people, low income families and individuals as well as seniors are suffering all over this country and we do nothing. We sit by and allow it to happen.

I refuse to give up. I wont be ignored and my illness wont go untreated. i will fight with everything in me to find some Dr.’s who care. no matter what. I know they are out there because it has only been through the kindness of my cancer Dr.’s that i have been able to get my cancer treated. They have been for such treatments for about 10 months now.

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  I’ve been DUMPED by better hospitals

  • Posted by Kengi on April 15, 2008 at 2:39pm

  

  When I was released from Harbor UCLA Medical Center I was assured that I was going to a place that would allow me bed rest and that there were both Dr.’s and nurses there to address all of my medical needs.

  I was never told that I would have to exit the building in order to eat meals. I was also never told that I would only get fresh towels and clean bed sheets once a week. If this sounds like a skilled nursing facility to you, then I guess I am just being a bit too picky.

  Since before dealing with homelessness I’ve always made it a point to make sure that if I were to offer help to someone who was in need, it would be just that. HELP. It would never be disrespectful and in no way cause the person to feel as if there didn’t count or make them feel unsafe or worthless.

  When I became homeless and started my Do Something Saturday~that empowers people outreach project I asked for other people to please keep in mind the very same things. Some people were just too busy and others were just too damn stupid to get it.

  “Why can’t homeless people wear clothes that are dirty or have holes in them?”

  “What’s the big rush to get them food? They are homeless. They don’t have shit to do and no place to go.”

  “Do you think a homeless person could use this?” it was a filthy bra

  I had one lady give me bags of clothes that were filled with cat hair and some even had cat shit on them. She was very upset when I didn’t take the time to thank her on my blog for the items she had donated to my cause. She wanted to be thanked for offering homeless people shit she wouldn’t wear herself and shit she wouldn’t give to her family or friends.

  Medical care for homeless people is very much the same way. We all have seen and read stories about how hospitals “DUMP” homeless people off on skid row with nothing more then a gown and a PISS bag. If you think for one second this has ended then you have on blinders. Places like Harbor UCLA Medical Center have just become a bit more quiet and sneaky about how they do it. And let’s just face it. If the media really cared then they would do all they can to make sure things like this never happen. ANYWHERE to ANYONE for ANY reason. But since homeless people aren’t worth a damn, then it is ok.

  I have met so any HIV positive people who are homeless. Many of them go without medical treatment because they say it is too far for them to travel for appointments and I have even been told that “I didn’t trust the care I was getting and when I asked questions or tried to complain I was later asked not to return”

  This doesn’t surprise me at all. When I questioned my HIV team it was met with strong resistance. Jennifer Murry, my hospital social worker who said she would take care of so many things for me did nothing other then referring me to a place where I got no care. My MRSA was healing and getting better while in the hospital. This is a picture of it when I was in the hospital.

  

  This is a picture of it now after going the weekend without being changed. Today I had to beg the security guard at Union Station in Downtown LA to help me change it.

  

  

  “Why don’t you go to a hospital?” is what he asked after he helped me.

  “I was in a hospital. They released me to a place where I got no care.” I showed him my paperwork.

  “Damn brutha, this is so damn sad. I cant tell you of how sick it is to see you like this and you actually reached out for help. Doing this to someone should be against the law.” He replies.

  “It is. However I a homeless, so who gives a fuck?”

  “I wont ask you about shelters and shit like that cause I had a buddy that had to stay in one and he told me some shit that just blew my mind. When I found out the Salvation Army only allows homeless people to come twice a year and they give them a $10 voucher, I stopped giving things to them. I now give them to families that I know need things and things like clothes and hats I offer to homeless people on the street.”

  “That’s the best thing you can do man. The Salvation Army uses donations to pay their executives and other employees. All anyone has to do is take a good long look at the shelters they run and they will no that very little is spent on helping homeless people.” I said

  The security guard got me lunch and offered me 20 bucks. I took the lunch and turned down the offer of the 20 bucks.

  When I left the hospital I asked for a proof of diagnoses. While in the hospital I took them same proactive attitude that I have taken since I have been homeless. I need to become my own advocate and also become one for others who don’t have the same resources as I. I began to call around and ask questions about HIV and the care I could expect. Every place I called told me I needed a proof of diagnoses. The sheet gven to my by Jennifer when I left wasn’t what I needed.

  I’ve been to four places already trying to access services and each place has told me that I was given then wrong form. How the fuck can this be? Jennifer claimed she knew what she was doing. HIV isn’t new. There is no fucking excuse for her giving me the wrong forms. There is no excuse for not following through on the things she said she would take care of for me.
  So I am getting through the best way I know how. I am doing it all on my own, just like I do with homelessness. I feel my way through the darkness. However this time I cant afford to make any mistakes and “wait” for people like my HIV team to decide what my T-Cell Count is- I’ve been told 4 very different counts. I cant “wait” for people like Jennifer who has done nothing more then sit on her big fat ass and make excuses as to why she doesn’t return calls, when she doesn’t keep appointments that she sets with me and why she never did anything she said was would.

  Harbor UCLA Medical Center did one thing great. When I began to complain, to the patient advocate, friends who read my blog and people I know who still care for me and then they began to call and question what was going on. Harbor UCLA, Jennifer and all my Dr.’s did an awesome job of getting my homeless ass out of that hospital.

  I am sure the hospital has covered their ass, just like places like Saint John’s Hopsital in Santa Monica, Like Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center and just like Long Beach Memorial Hospital.

  This infection on my back isnt getting better. It’s getting worse and I am in so much pain. I will continue to get worse because i cant see it to clean it properly. I cant see it to change the bandages on it properly and the fact that my backpack is always on my back causing pressure only makes this much more painful.

  Finding my way

  • Posted by Kengi on April 22, 2008 at 3:08pm
  • Waking up each day knowing that I have HIV to now deal with has really been rather tough for me. I guess the reason it has been tough if the fact that I cant seen to get any answers about anything. The only person I have been able to turn to for advice and support has been my friend on the East Coast (NYC) He has been very supportive and very helpful.The other night when I was so worried about so much shit in my head, it was him who sat on the phone with me and talked me through so much. My Brother is HIV positive and he has been no help to me at all. I also have another friend who is HIV positive and he too has been very little help to me.Today being my first real day up and about I came to library to do what I do best, find my own way through things. Since I’ve been homeless this is what I have done. I have gone online to find ways to get clothes, food and shelter. I have also found some odd jobs helping people with small projects and things. I know I will have to do the same thing with HIV as well. I was told by two Dr.’s and even Jennifer the social worker that being HIV positive is a blessing. “You now have so many options and ways of supporting yourself because you are now HIV positive.” How fucking lame is this to say to someone? Bing HIV positive is in no way a blessing. For anyone to even hint that it is one is simply one sick individual.So today while posting this blog and uploading a video I will look for places where I can seek help for HIV. I am not just going to sit and wait for people to help me. I have learned the hard way that the only person that will care for me and look after me the best is me. So from here on out, this is what I will do.Thanks to all who have sent me emails and messages here on my blog of support and prayers. They have meant a great deal to me. Thanks very much for that. It’s always cool to log on and get messages from people here on ning or in my email.My friend Natalie will be helping me out in a huge way, by paying my cell phone bill for me. This is HUGE for me because I will now depend on my cell phone more then I ever have in the past.

    I am still in very good spirits and today I feel pretty good. I have very little pain and this infection on my back has gotten a great deal better. So I am happy for the resting place I have been blessed with.

  Moving forward

  • Posted by Kengi on April 23, 2008 at 7:00pm

  
  

  I have a bunch of things on my mind. So much that sometimes it makes no sense to me. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my HIV Doctors at Harbor UCLA Medical Center. I know I will not continue my treatments there simply because I haven’t been comfortable with the team that has been working with me.

  From the time I was told about my HIV status I have been in the dark and given so much information that has been wrong and many times incorrect. For example. Dr. Jung told me that my T Cells were 1800 but my CD4 count much lower. Many people in the gay community I have spoke with as well as many Doctors have question the 1800 cell count. To this day I still am very unclear as to what my T Cell count is. I have still never been given a viral load count.

  Tomorrow my goal is to leave the there with clear answers and clear choices for treatment. I am also going to get in writing a diagnoses, as well as forms for my bus pass, help with housing and the bus pass and or tokens that I should have received prior to leaving the hospital.

  GETTING REST and TIME TO HEAL

  I’ve been able to get much needed rest with a friend. While here I’ve been able to get some great food into my system and some time to allow the MRSA on my back to heal. This is something I wasn’t able to get while I was at Bell Shelter. Bell Shelter was the place I was transfered to by Harbor UCLA Medical Center. I was told by Jennifer Murray that the was a skilled nursing center. It was far from what she described.

  being able to sleep, take my medication, get visitors, get and place phone calls has been awesome. I have even been able to eat out a few times as well.

  The infection on my back feels and looks so much better. I am happy that this part is almost behind me and I can now begin working on finding ways to get housing and finding a job. This has always been my focus, but the MRSA has really slowed me down.

  THANKS

  I want to say thanks to everyone who has sent me emails, voicemails and also cards and flowers. My friend Natalie has been such a great friend to me. She paid my cell phone bill and will be helping me with the bill in the future as well. My friend Sarah just like before has been awesome as well. She makes sure she checks in and looks after me as best she can. Tina came by to see me twice while I was in the hospital and each time she came bearing gifts and goodies for me. She even came with Andy once. My new friends Jeff, Mike,Lyndia and Karla have also been very kind to me. Lastly I must thank Akilla and Greg from the Union Rescue Mission fro taking the time to come out to see me while i was in the hospital. Since then Akilla has worked very hard to find resources that will help me in this very tough period.

  My buddy SEAN has been someone I just would be lost without. He has been awesome to me. He has been a shoulder to cry on and a kind voice in the middle of the night. he even offered to to let me come to New York and get things moving in my care. He is a great friend and I am blessed to have him in my life

  
  

  My first day with my HIV team

  • Posted by Kengi on April 25, 2008 at 4:31pm

  

  Yesterday was my first trip to see my HIV team at harbor UCLA Medical Center. As I expressed before I am not at all comfortable with the quality of care I would be getting from them. But since I am homeless, I really don’t have any other options. It’s not like there is so huge network of doctors beating down the doors of homeless HIV patients to offer them high quality health care at no cost.

  The appointment went very well. I was a bit late because I had to walk to it, but I did make it. I was greeted by a woman named Avis at the front desk. She was awesome. Very nice and quit pleasant. Something that came as such a huge surprise to me. It wasn’t long before a nurse called me back and soon after Dr Jung then called me back as well.

  The news I got from Dr Jung was awesome. Well I should say it was as good as news short of telling me that there was a mistake and I am not HIV positive. He told me my viral load was very low (4,978) and my CD4 Cell Count was 560 with a percentage of 32. He went on to tell me that there is no need for me to begin HIV medications right now. It may be 1 to 2 years before I begin treatment if I begin treatment at all.

  This was such great news for me. Since leaving the hospital and not really knowing what was going on with me health wise it was awesome to at least have some information that I could use to help me navigate my way through all of this.

  

  I met with a dietitian to talk about ways I could make certain that I remain healthy and she also gave me some helpful hints on how I could take care of the diarrhea I am currently dealing with. I also had the chance to meet with Jennifer and received the forms I need to get the ball rolling for my bus pass and housing.

  I was even given the chance to take a survey about my HIV care up until this point. I was given $25 for taking the survey. The guy who administered the survey was very cool and seems to be caring about my situation. For me that was huge.

  The only thing I wasn’t able to get resolved was the fact that I was asked to pay $350.00 bucks for the visit. When I was in the hospital I was told that I wouldn’t have to pay for anything. But I have already started getting bills from Harbor UCLA for my stay there in the hospital and now I am asked to pay $350.00 for the visit yesterday.

  I was supposed to meet with someone named Yolanda. Both Avis and Jennifer informed her that I needed to speak with her. However she never called me into her office. I then was told to speak with Danny. He was too busy with other patients and from what I could tell flirting with another to call me in. I waited for near 40 minutes before I reminded hi I was waiting. He told me he would call me in a few minutes. Not 10 minutes went by before his office door was closed and he was gone. I was told I need to come back on Monday to take care of this. This is going to be very hard for me because I have other medical appointments on Monday that will prevent me from doing so.

  At the end of the day I felt pretty good about my HIV condition. However I am still looking for other doctors to look after me. I feel it is very important for me to trust the team I am working with and feel like they are doing all they can to make sure I remain healthy. I do not have this confidence in my team at Harbor UCLA Medical Center. However, like I have said before, I am homeless and have no way of paying for any medical care, so I have to take whatever comes my way. Until I find another team that I am comfortable with and feel really care about me not just as a patient, but as a human being, I will continue to see the team at Harbor. Not because I want to, but because I have no other choice.

  

  
  

Feeling like a leper

I’ve been getting calls on my cell phone from the Department of Health here in Los Angeles. Until this morning they have never left a message with a name and number for me to call back. This message today was very different. It was very rude and demanded that I call back immediately. I was so put off by the message that I had to listen to it a few times to get the name and number of the person.

I called the number left on my voicemail 213-631-5205. The person was Geairmo Campos. From the start of the call I wanted to know who he was and why he had left such a nasty message of my voicemail.

He told me that the hospital and my doctors gave his office my medical information because they felt I would not seek treatment for HIV. He went on to tell me that it was his right to contact me to get me into treatment ASAP. He said he was on my side and only wanted to make sure I was being treated fairly.

“I tried to come see you at the address you gave the hospital when you left, but there is no such address.”

“What address are you talking about and you still haven’t told me why you are calling me or contacting me in the first place. Are you a doctor?”

“No, I am not a doctor, I am a county employee trying to make sure you are seeking the care you need for your HIV status. I have a right to do this.” He said

“Who gave you this right and if you aren’t a doctor how did you get access to my medical records.”

“Mr. Carr as I have tried to tell you. I am an employee of the county and we have the right to access your medical records because you are a county patient. We need to kow where you are living and whom you are living with?……..”

“You do not have the right to call me or access my medical information. If your call was to make this any harder then it already is, then you have done this. If it was to upset me and make me feel even more less trusting of my HIV care from the county then you have done this as well. Do not call me again. You have no right to do this at all.”

“Sir I have every right to call you. We need to make sure you are getting the care you require and that you aren’t putting anyone else in jeopardy of getting HIV. I am protecting the rights of people who you will come in contact with.”

“FUCK YOU.” I hung up the phone. I was so pissed. Since I was told I was HIV positive I have done nothing but seek out ways of getting treatment and have worked my ass off trying to find out where to go, what to do and how to do it. Since being told I have owned it. I said to my doctors, if this is HIV, then I will do whatever it takes to make sure I don’t spread it and I will be very proactive in getting treatment.

Getting this call saying that I have stated otherwise is just crazy. Further more the I don’t feel at all comfortable with the fact that county employees can just access my medical records or put in to see me at any time.

Mr. Campos said he tried to come see me at the address given to him by the hospital. He said there was no such address. The address he gave me is the address to Bell Shelter. The so called skilled nursing facility that I was released to. Since he knows there is no such address then why does the county release patients to an address that doesn’t exist. Sounds like DUMPING if you ask me.

I called Jennifer Murray at Harbor UCLA. The calls went unreturned. I aalso called Dr Jung and those calls too went unreturned. I then put in a call and a page to Danny Hayes. He called me back within 5 minutes. I told him what had taken place. He gave me what little information he had and he later called me to give me the supervisor for this department.

Michael Dorito was the name I was given 213-744-3338. I called him and was surprised that he answered. I told him what had happened with Mr Campos and he acted like there was noting wrong. he told me that if I had a problem with this I should call my medical staff at Harbor UCLA. He went on to tell me that they will continue to call me and continue to try to reach me either by phone or by visiting me.

When I asked for his supervisor he said he didn’t have one. I asked who was over him and he replied he was the only person I could talk to. “there is no one else for you to call Mr. Carr.”

I don’t know much about being HIV positive, but I don know that is can be something that will cause a person not to seek medical care simply because of how they may be treated and for lack of medical treatment. This has caused me to rethink my care within the county of Los Angeles and the services it provides. It has caused me to want to change my cell phone number and not seek out any sort of help for the HIV through any county or government agency. For me this means the HIV will go untreated. I do not have medical and I am homeless with no means of paying for basic medical coverage.

I can’t help but think that so many people who are HIV positive and don’t have the ability to pay for medical care simply put up with this type of bullshit and harassment from the county of Los Angeles. I can’t say that I am surprised with how I have been treated. I have been homeless for over 14 months now and what I have learned is that I am to keep my damn mouth shut and don’t even bother complaining because not only is no one listening, no one cares.

I am not like most homeless people, nor am I like most people who are HIV positive. I will not just sit and allow people who work for the county of LA to do, say and act in any way they see fit towards me. I will also not allow this to happen to people who don’t have the power to speak up for themselves.

I will not rest, nor will I let this go until I know that people are being respected on every level. Having HIV is hard enough. I already feel alone and I already feel like the care I am getting is far less then that of a person who has medical insurance. In fact, I have been told this my one of my doctors. Many people don’t even seek out treatment for fear of being treated like a leper. Feeling like a leper is not even half the way I am feeling right now.

• Posted by Kengi on April 25, 2008 at 5:30pm

The race is not given to the swift……

• Posted by Kengi on April 29, 2008 at 5:46pm
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I got up this morning with the intent of having a great fun filled day. I wasn’t going to worry about being homeless, being HIV positive, cancer or anything that would hamper me from just enjoying the amazing place where I live and the awesome life God has blessed me with.

I so needed a day like this. A day filled with nothing other then ME and the fact that I am still here. You know we all can get caught up in the world or all the shit that life throws our way that we forget to be in the moment. Today I am in every moment and I am loving it.

I took the bus to Long Beach where I spent some time at a coffee house getting caught up on emails and posting some pics to my networks where I am a member. I also spoke to some friends and enjoyed lunch at this cool little spot called Coffee Haven on Broadway in Long Beach.

The best part of my day was when I got a call from Akillia. She is the lady I met at the union Rescue Mission when I went to speak with the President and CEO of the mission with regards to the way I was treated. It’s so awesome how God will use something that is so bad and have it work for his glory. Akillia is simply awesome. While I was in the hospital I got an voicemail from her just checking in to see how I was doing and to let me know that she was there for me if I needed her. I sent her an email right away and told her what was going on. This is right after I was told I was HIV positive. She came to the hospital the very next day. She spent a great deal of time there talking with me and helping me get things in place. Since then she has been very helpful with supplying me with information of programs and services. She is also working damn hard to help me get into housing.

When I got a call from her today it was like talking with a friend. Not just a simple friend, but someone who cares and genuinely wants to be a support and encouragement to me. The conversation was briefly about housing and then went to things that you would talk about with a friend. I feel so amazing right now and I am glad that she was all part of this amazing day I am now having.

My next stop will be along the beach here in Long Beach. I don’t get down to this area much. Not even when I was doing well. It is an area I know very little about, other then I called it “Wrong Beach” I use to have a open mic poetry event down here waya back when. It’s funny how things seem to fall right into place and the puzzle that seems like it will never come together starts to take shape.

Last night I talked with my new friend ST in New York. He is someone who I met while online on Tribe. He is now someone who I have become very cool with and has shown that he too cares with the things I am dealing with. Its always cool to feel like someone is in my corner.

WHERE MY HEAD IS

It has always been one of my missions in life to be a real leader and someone people can look to for encouragement. I never once thought that something so sad as being sick and homelessness could be something that would provide people with so much hope and inspiration. When I logged into my email today I had so many messages from people who read my blog and watch my youtube channel about how much of an inspiration I have been to them. When I was cooking for families and large events it use to be so cool to see how something as simple as my food touched people. Now it is simply awesome to get messages from people I might not ever meet telling me that they love reading my blog and to please keep posting. It makes me encouraged to know that my story is an encouragement to anyone.

When I started blogging here on ning, I did so for the simple reason to have an outlet for all that I am going through. I do want it to educate people about homelessness, but now I see that this blog is and will always be so much more, without any effort from me. This is because it is real.

My life isn’t what it use to be. Jet setting all over the place, fancy parties, pretty people and cool cars I don’t smile as much as I use to but when I do smile it is bigger and brighter then any smile I have ever smiled before. Things that were once important to me are no longer part of my life. Money no longer drives me and living in the best place, driving the best car and wearing the best clothes, no longer have a place in my life. Be the best man God intended me to be is now at the forefront of my life.

WHAT I AM LEARING

I am learning things that I always knew, but took for granted. For example the sheer fact that I will not give up on me despite everything that is now before me. Life is teaching me that I am a great human being WITH or WITHOUT money. I believe that I am special in EVERY way. I believe that I can make it through the night and I believe that I will continue to walk on with my head held high. I don’t know where my life will lead, I never once thought it would be in the situation it is in now, but I do know that I am blessed even in all of this.

It’s 5:22PM and the sun is starting its journey into the ocean. I am filled with joy and happiness because God has granted me another day to be here, another day to praise him, another day to inspire, enrich and encourage others another day to be thankful for my life and all the goodness it is filled with.

There is times when I will be down, that’s life. But the down time will not overtake me and it will not destroy me. I won’t allow it to. I am shattered, but far from broken. I am wounded, be time will heal. Heavy is the load, the cross I bear. Sometimes I am troubled, but not in despair. I am weary, but still I press on. Struggling I will make my way through. I will never give up on me and I refuse to accept the notion that simply because I am now homeless and ill that my life no longer has meaning and no longer COMMANDS respect. I am child of the most high KING who has promised me FAVOR even in my darkest hour.
If there are new members to the network, I would like to say welcome and feel free to jump right in. Big thanks to all who are reading my blog and viewing my youtube channel.

……..but to the one who endures to the end.

Shut your mouth

• Posted by Kengi on May 12, 2008 at 6:30pm

One would think that things like Medical would be open to a person with as many different medical things going on in my life. However this isn’t the case. When I was in the hospital I was told that I would qualify for “medical” somehow I knew this wasn’t true simply because I have never been able to get it before. But when people think they know more then you, then you keep your mouth shut. I am slowly starting to see that keeping my mouth shut is best when people are getting paid to tell you certain things. Even when I know they aren’t correct. Just keep you mouth closed.

Moreover, it is better for me to keep my mouth closed because in addition to being sick, I am HOMELESS and everyone knows that homeless people don’t know a damn thing. Every American knows that homeless people are just stupid, lazy, crazy drug using drunks. Right?

I got a bill from the hospital. It was a huge bill. So I called right away because I was told that I wouldn’t have to pay since I now have HIV. I’ve been trying to reach for over a month now. I have left several messages with no return phone call. I ask for the person on my paper work and I am told that she is away from her desk.

“Does she have a supervisor. I have already left messages for her and she has never returned my call.” I informed the person on the other line.

“How did you leave a message? Did you leave it with someone or did you leave it on the machine?” She asks

“I left it on the machine. What difference does it make?”

“Well we don’t have secretary and we never check the machine.”

“So why do you have a machine if no one ever bothers to check it?” I ask

“Unless someone has checked it and given her the message she never got it. That’s all I am telling you sir.”

“Well all I am telling you is that your plan to have patients leave messages on a machine that no one ever answers isn’t a good plan. Now may I speak with a supervisor?”

“There isn’t one available. Maybe I can help you.”

Rather then waging a battle I wasn’t even going to win, I told her what my situation was. She informed me that their office doesn’t handle the billing. They only submit the paperwork.
“It can take up to two months before the other office gets the paperwork” she informs me

“Where is the other office?” I ask. This was a stupid question.
“They are in the same office as we are, but they handle so many different patients.”

How lousy is this. The person that handles the paperwork that takes up to two months to appear on their desk is in the same office. I had to remind myself that this is a county facility and I shouldn’t act like I was be cared for by people who actually care.

She also told me that I didn’t qualify for medical because I didn’t meat the guidelines. Since my HIV is “new” I would need to get some “history” behind it before their office could refer to another department to process “special” paperwork. In other words I don’t qualify. HOWEVER, if I keep coming to their facility they can process “special” paper work in order for me to be treated and them to get paid.

“You didn’t come here for HIV. You had an ulcer on your back. This is why you were her at Harbor.”

“Excuse me. I can to the E.R. to simply get some help with the changing of my bandage. YOUR medical team said they wanted to keep me because they felt it could be HIV. Don’t tell me why I came to that damn hospital in the first place. I know why I came their and I know why I remained there.”

“I am sorry I upset you Mr. Carr. I know how you don’t like being upset. Is there something else I can help you with?”

This time I remembered to keep my mouth shut. “No thank you. You’ve been very helpful. You have a nice day.” I said

“You to Mr. Carr.”

I then call Jennifer to try to get the bill from the clinic all cleared up. It’s over $300. I left yet another message for her and this call was once again unreturned.

While I was in the hospital I told the HIV team that I was already placed on Bactrim before for 45 days, but the staph infection comes back within a weeks time.

“Mr Carr this is one of the drugs that the staph is resistant to.”

Not once did they take into account that I had already been on Bactrim for 45 day and the staph came back, but this time it was far worse then before. But again, I am homeless and sick, so I should shut my mouth and allow the person who has had plenty of training tell me about my body.

I am done taking the Bactrim that was given to me. I took my last pill about a week ago. The area where the staph has already started to get hard under the skin again and it is also very painful. However I called the doctor to tell him the area is starting to hurt is getting red and hard. He didn’t call me back either.

I cried for a little while because I know I am sick, I also know that I have no way to pay medical cost. I look for work day in and day out. I send out resumes everyday, but I still haven’t even been offered a job. I cried when I thought I would have to be sicker before I could get medical attention and help with bills that are far beyond payment.

Heart to Soul

• Posted by Kengi on May 12, 2008 at 7:15pm

I sing my melody, my simple melody
Unto the one wise and true living God
I give my sacrifice because You paid the price
So that my life would have meaning and more
You gave me hope that endures, my fallen soul You secured
Please take my melody, my simple melody
Straight from my heart to Your soul
Straight from my heart to Your soul

I sing my song of praise, my simple song of praise
Unto the Lamb that was slain for my sin
I give my offering unto You, Lord and King
It’s from victories You’ve helped me to win
It’s a melody filled with You praise, my voice unto You I raise
Please take my song of praise, my simple song of praise
Straight from my heart to Your soul
Straight from my heart to Your soul

It’s a melody filled with You praise, my voice unto You I raise
Here is my offering, please take my offering
Straight from my heart to Your soul
Straight from my heart to Your soul

Straight from my heart to Your soul
Straight from my heart to Your soul

I’ve lost hope

• Posted by Kengi on May 15, 2008 at 11:26am

Imagine getting so upset with how things are going with this entire HIV diagnoses that you just feel like not going to the doctor at all. Imagine that each time you go to the doctor you are told different things with regards to payment, treatment and other things.

I was called to come into N24 on Wednesday. I was told it would be so they could help me with the setting up a plan that will cover the cost of me seeing doctors. That was a lie. Once I got there I had one slip of paper to fill out and I was told that it was for them to get funding. Nothing was done to help me pay for my medical costs.

“You have to do all these things on your own.” Is what I was told.

“You have to ask your GR worker for that information.” Is what someone else tells me.

My GR worker tells me that the clinic should have taken care of all the paperwork while I was in the hospital for 10 days. Since they didn’t do this I now do not qualify for programs that will cover the cost of me seeing my HIV team of doctors.

I was given a new prescription and a bunch of bags for me to collect stool samples while I am at home. The clinic knows fully that I am homeless and have no way of sitting down any place to collect stool samples. When I went to get the prescription filled I was told it would cost $135.00. I have no way to pay this.

So now what do I do? The entire HIV diagnosis has been nothing more then a huge thorn in my side. I sit up at night crying from the pain of stomach cramps and I have gone in my pants several times. I am so fucking sick of this entire thing.

When I was simply homeless going through cancer treatments and dealing with my Sickle Cell I knew that some how some way I would make it through. I knew that I at least had a team of doctors that cared and were doing all they could to make sure I was being treated with the best possible medical care. With HIV it is something totally different. I feel like I am just lost in this huge maze of confusion and crap and each time I see people who are supposed to be helping me I only get more lost and more confused.

I have an appointment on the 22nd of this month. However I already owe them for the last appointment. I know I will not be able to see the doctor so I will not be going to this appointment.

I cant tell you of just how many homeless men and women that I know who do not get treatment for their HIV because of all the hoops they have to jump through and all the hurdles they must jump over only to be told that they didn’t jump over them correctly and would have to do it all over again, only for the HIV to get worse and they end up dead.

Seeing new HIV team at USC…..FIGHT ON

• Posted by Kengi on May 16, 2008 at 4:14pm

• 

  I got up this morning with one thing on my mind. I needed to find a place where i could get high quality care for HIV. I also needed a place that would work with me to find way of helping me cover the cost of treatment, scheduled vissits and any meds I might need to take.

  I have spent the better part of this day trying to get answers and also find places where I am able to get treatment as well as help with covering medical cost of my HIV. This has been no easy task.

  With something like HIV you would thing there would be one simple number a person could dial and they would get all questions answered and also be directed to the best place to get medical care for HIV. I guess it is safe to say that they same would be true for a person who is homeless. There should be one number a homeless person could call to have all questions answered and also be directed to the near by place where they are able to get ALL services that would help them get back on their feet. I guess this would be too much like right. There is no such number for either.

  I have called 58 agencies and organizations trying to get help in finding a place where I can have my HIV monitored. All of them say the very same thing. “You need a reject letter from MEDI-CAL” However I was never even able to fill out an application for MEDI-CAL. I was told by my worker and also by hospital staff at Harbor UCLA Medical Center that I do not qualify for the program. They assured me that the clinic I was in would take care of all the things I needed in order to get my medical care taken care of. This staff inside the clinic says this wasn’t true. So I am now stuck in the middle.

  I called all the way to New York before being told that I should call USC. She gave me the number and I was greeted on the phone by a young lady who was very helpful and very understanding. She then gave me the number to the HIV Clinic at County USC Medical Center. I was told to come in first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling and start taking care of my medical needs.

  

  However I won’t get my hopes up. Although I did go to USC and I have a great amount of love and respect for the school, I have been lied to, mislead and mistreated so much by people in the medical field that I don’t have much trust or respect for them. Moreover, County USC isn’t USC the school I have come to love and respect. It is a county hospital associated with the Keck School of Medicine.

  However County USC Medical Center and The Rand Schrader HIV Clinic continue to lead the nation in the enrollment of minorities into important ACTG treatment and prevention studies. More than 200 of its patients participate in the ACTG clinical trials at any given time. The Rand Schrader HIV Clinic which opened in 1986, provides antiretroviral drugs to about 3,000 uninsured and largely minority people living with HIV/AIDS in Los Angeles.

  

  The National Institutes of Health recently awarded $10.7 million to the USC Rand Schrader AIDS Clinical Trial Group’s (ACTG) Clinical Trials Unit (CTU) at LAC+USC Medical Center. The CTU will be funded over seven years beginning July 1, 2007.

  I am at least happy to know that care I might receive from County USC Medical Center and the Rand Schrader HIV Clinic would be some of the best HIV care and prevention in the world. The clinic is the world’s largest organization involved in HIV/AIDS clinical trials research.

  The mission state is: Made up of both clinical and basic science research sites with a common goal of improving the treatment and care of those living with HIV.

  I have already spoken to several members of the staff as well as three doctors and they assured me that I would not be turned away and that I would receive treatment for HIV without question from County USC Medical Center. They also assured me that I would never be told that I couldn’t come to the clinic for treatment.

  My appointment is for 10:00AM on Monday. USC to the rescue. FIGHT ON!!!!!

How I am doing……..Part one

• Posted by Kengi on May 21, 2008 at 2:30pm

My living situation has been pretty crazy. Since being told I was HIV positive I have been with Brian. He is the person that gave me HIV. Since I refuse to have sex with him or have anything to do with him each and every night he tries to force me to leave. He does this by waking me once I go to sleep or just by taking all the sheets and blankets. He sometimes plays show tunes very loud until very late at night. Then he gets on the piano and tries to get under my skin this way.

I don’t get that much sleep these days. At most I am able to get maybe 4 hours at best. There have been those rare times when he passes out for about a day or so and then I am able to rest. But that doesn’t happen too often.

I met Brian a little over a year ago. He seemed to be a very cool guy. I never told him about my homeless situation because I didn’t want him to think that I would ask to stay with him. Whenever we saw each other it was for picture taking and once he offered to help me with some things for the Million Dollar Ghetto Photo project I was planning. There were times that I stayed the night at his place, but I was up the next morning and gone long before he would even get up. If Brian goes to sleep he wont wake up until 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

I landed this catering gig and was making pretty good money. I was able to pay off some medical bills and I was even able to payoff some credit cards. I had very little money for anything else. I told my boss what I was going through and he offered to let me crash at his place while I was working for him. Telling him the truth about being homeless was a HUGE mistake. Once he knew of this my pay checks got smaller and smaller. He would lie and say he didn’t get a check from the production company we were catering for. However he would allow me to stay with him in the guest bedroom and allowed me to drive one of his cars. This all ended when I told him I needed to be paid for the work I was doing. Simply allowing me to stay with him and drive his car wasn’t payment for all the work I was doing. He got very upset by this and asked me to leave. I was more then happy to leave, but he owed me for at least three weeks of work and he also owed me around $300 for things I had to pay for out of my pocket when he started taking the money from the production company and using it to buy fancy jewels, boot and glasses.

This is when I called Brian and asked if he could come get me. I asked Brian if I could stay with him for a week. I knew after this I would be able to stay at my friend Kimarie’s while she was away in New York. Brian said yes and I thought things were pretty cool. At the end of the week I left and I went to Kimarie’s for two weeks to look after her place and her animals while she was away in New York.

Brian never once told me that he was HIV positive. When I asked him if he was he said “No.” After the two weeks ended with Kimarie Brian offered to let me stay with him. This was pretty cool. I now at least had a place where I could look for work, get rest and not be on the street. Our sexual relationship grew even more. There were times when Brian acted a bit strange, but I just thought it was because he had just lost his Grandma. He was very close to her, so I tried not to pay too much attention to his strange ways.

I got my first Staph infection while staying with Brian. He knew what is was right away. In fact he told me what it was.

“I think that’s Staph. It looks just like it.” He said

“What is Staph? I mean I have heard of it, but I don’t know what it is.” I asked

“You can get it from not being clean…….”

“Well you know that isn’t me I shower everyday, sometimes twice a day.”

“I got mine from Shane.”

“How?”

“Well he is dirty and he likes to wear the same things all the time. He doesn’t take baths and and you see how he is when he is around here. You may have gotten it from him. But I don’t want to worry you. It may not even be Staph.”

Looking back on things now, I should have stopped speaking to and dealing with Brian a long time ago. I remember the morning he woke me to tell me that he was HIV positive and was concerned that he may have given it to me. I was in a daze when he told me this. This was after he had asked me to leave a few times only to beg me to come back. It was early when he told me and I was still very sleepy. Brian had been up for about a week and it was very hard to sleep with him making all the noises he makes. I want even go into the times when I could swear he had more then 5 people in is room.

At this point I had yet another Staph infection, this time it was on my back and far worse then all the times before. This one really hurt. I was also very weak from this infection. I was tired all the time and all I wanted to do was sleep. Things got a bit better and I got some energy so we planned a trip to Santa Barbara. At this point I was no longer sleeping with Brian. I could Long Beach Memorial Hospital to get my HIV results and they told me they were negative. I was really relieved by this. I was washing the area on my back and keeping it very clean. However there were a few nights when Brian wouldn’t come home and I had to remain out all night. The infection was on my lower back. My backpack rubbed against it. The trip to Santa Barbara was a bust. Sara and I lost Brian and spent almost 4 hours looking for him.

We dropped Sarah off and things seemed ok. But once we got back to Carson, Brian flipped his wig. He started yelling and acting like he didn’t know who I was. He was acting like some crabby old lady. I tried to go to sleep and once I got well into sleep he started yelling and screaming again telling me I had to leave. It was after 1:00AM. There were no buses running and I knew I would have to walk for the rest of the night. I called my friend Sarah and told her what was going on and she talked with me while I got dressed to leave.

Two days later Brian called to say he was sorry and really wanted me to come back. At this point I really had no choice. The infection on my back had gotten much worse and I was in lots of pain. Trying to clean it and keep it covered wasn’t happening. I couldn’t see it, so I ad a very hard time cleaning it. I had been staying at the Union Rescue Mission, but that was no place for me. So I went back to Brian’s.

Things were fine for about a week. Then I began to get very sick. I was vomiting and I was in so much pain all the time. It was then that Brian flipped for the last time. He had gotten upset because I had cleaned the kitchen and washed the piles of dirty laaundy that was on the floor of the laundry room and in the dinning room.

I was getting very dizzy and my chest was killing me. Brian kept coming towards me. Yelling, so I hit him. This is when he went off the deep end and started throwing things at me. He threw a box of toy and then I fell. He then started trying to walk on the area of my back where the staph infection was. I was so weak and I was trying to get to my phone. Brian took the phone and put it up to high for me to reach it from the floor. He then started kicking me. I got up enough energy and I grabbed his leg and knocked him on his ass. I got in his face and told him not to touch me again or I would beat the shit out of him. Just like that he went from a person I didn’t know to someone else. This time he seemed like I kid. I got my phone and called 911.

I got out of the house and called Sarah. I told her what had happened and she talked with me while I walked to the E.R. at Harbor UCLA Medical Center. This is where I was told I was HIV positive. Since this time my life has just been so crazy. I didn’t think it could get anymore crazy or out of control.

Staying here has been a complete nightmare. I have to try to be nice to Brian to keep the peace, but I cat stand to look at him, I can’t stand to have him near me. There are times when I want to just knock his fucking head off. Many people have told me that I should press charges against him for lying about not having HIV. What good would this do? It won’t make me not have HIV.

I sleep on the sofa in the living room. However Brian has his moments when he goes crazy and tries his best to throw me out. I am not leaving. I won’t leave until I can find a place for myself in a shelter or at a mission. So for now I must endure his multiple personalities, I must deal with him yelling while I am trying to sleep, I must deal with him flipping out, I must deal with him when he takes his dead grandmas medications, I must deal with the loud TV, music and piano playing late at night, I must deal with him taking things like my deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste. The other day he hid my shoes from me.

Yeah, my life is pretty crazy right now. All I can do is pray and ask God to carry me through yet another very dark part of my journey. I also have to beg God each night to keep Brian under control. There are nights when I don’t dare go to sleep because he is just too unstable in my eyes and I don’t know what he might try to do while I am sleeping. I have learned to set traps for him in the dark that will wake me before he gets too close. I have learned not to allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. During the day I get out and I try to get some sleep in a park or on the train or bus. This is really taking a huge toll on my health I know, but I will make it through this. I don’t have a choice.

So for those of you who have asked, this is just some of what I am going through day in and day out. It’s 10:46PM on Saturday night. I am very tired from walking all day. The shoes I have are falling apart and they really hurt my feet. I need to try to find a cheap pair that are in good condition at goodwill.

Tomorrow is yet another day. I will wake up. Take my shower and get dressed and leave. I wont come back until the last bus can bring me back. Then I will deal with this all over again.

How I am doing……..Part two

• Posted by Kengi on May 21, 2008 at 4:16pm

My weekend and now into my week has been very rough. My weekend didn’t get any better since Friday night. In fact it got so much worse. Brian thought it would be good to clean the filth in the trailer. He decided to do this at 1:00am. This went on until 4:00AM. When I finally went back to sleep. He started again. After he made me breakfast of what smelled good, but wasn’t good at all, I knew it was time to leave.

I spent the day trying to find a place to sleep. No luck all places were full. So I have spent the past few days sleeping outside. Trying to get around LA with no money is hard, so I have done plenty of walking and I am so damn tired. My feet are killing me. I have had to throw away a pair of my shorts and a shirt. The shirt because is was way too dirty to try to keep wearing and not look as homeless as I am. The shorts I had to throw away because I didn’t get to the bathroom in enough time. When I have to go, I really have to go. The medication for the staph infection doesn’t make this very easy. There was no way for me to wash the clothes. I don’t have money to do this. Even if I did I would have had no way of storing them until I could wash them. I refused to thrown my jacket away, even though it smells from sleeping in some bushes at the park. I moved from the park after I heard a rat get caught in a trap set out for it. I then walked to Long Beach.

I was so sick on Monday. I ad nothing in my stomach, but I was vomiting. My head was spinning and my entire body was in so much pain. I don’t take the pain medicine that they gave me while I was in the hospital because I don’t want to get use to taking something I will not always have to help me deal with the pain. I take them when the pain just gets to be too much for me. I am down to my last pill.

I tried to get on the bus with my bus pass that Sarah got for. But I was told “NO” by the driver. She said “You cant be on here smelling up my bus” I tried to board 6 busses before I just gave up. I stayed at the beach, tried to rest and calm down. I finally found a bathroom that didn’t have much traffic, so I was able to clean up a bit. This is when I got a call from Sarah. I had called her to let her know how I was doing and I also wanted to ask her if she could get me a room. I was so happy to hear her say she could get me a room.

I knew I would have to get on two trains to get to where she would meet me. I wasn’t taking any chances with some lousy MTA operator. I went back to the bathroom and tried to wash up again. My clothes were just nasty and that’s how it was going to be. There was nothing I could do about that. I was able to get the vomiting under enough control to make it over to her. I did have to exit the train a few times. I then had to get off and walk to the Central Library in Downtown LA because I had to use the bathroom. This was tough. It’s about a four or five block walk. I didn’t make it, but at least it wasn’t as bad as before. I had to do my best to clean the shorts, then dry then with the drier.

This made me a little late getting to Sarah, but I did make it. Sarah got me a room for the night and got me something to eat. We didn’t really get to hang out. I wished we did. She is someone who has been a damn good friend to me since I met her. I took a very hot shower. In fact I took 4. I felt so damn dirty. I was also trying very hard to wash all this shit away. I know I may seem like such a strong person. Almost like a fucking power ranger, but I am not. I am hurting, my soul hurts. I have been trying to make my way back to a somewhat normal life and things just keep getting harder. There are times when I am so down, when all I want to do is just relax. There is no time for relaxing, if I do, then people will call me a bum. Say I didn’t try hard enough. How much more harder can I fucking try?

Today has been ok. I did get some rest, but I am still very tired. My feet are killing me. These shoes are not made for everyday where. That sounds like such a thing a woman would say, but you can see the shoes in the pictures I posted. They really hurt my feet. My clothes are still dirty. I almost washed them last night while I was in the room. However I am glad I fell asleep because there was no iron to fully dry them. I did wash my beanies and my socks. The socks weren’t such a good idea though. They were too wet for me to put on. I had to endure the pain of wearing the wet socks until I went to Target where I got more socks. Thanks to Kate who sent me a $50 gift card. Last month I was able to buy a shirt and a pair of shorts. Today I used then it to buy some socks. I now have $1.35 on the card. I will use that to buy some deodorant.

I’ve been to the shelters three times now. I have sent out emails and about an hour ago I stopped looking for places online. After 15 months of being homeless I know all the places to call. I also know all the places that say they have service, but don’t offer shit. This has turned into a real “life lesson” for me. I am also very proud of the way I have been able to handle all of this. I haven’t killed myself, although I am sure most homeless people simply give up. I can’t say that I blame them either. People have all these ideas and thoughts in their heads and made up minds on what makes a person homeless. This is also the mindset of most, if not all the people who provide service to the homeless community. I am not all strung out on drugs nor am I the drunk on the corner beggin for change. I refuse to become that way. I am in no way saying I am better then people who are like this, not saying that at all. What I am saying is that I have something deep inside of me. Something that wakes me when I am not safe. Something that calms me, when I am unsure. Something that protects me, when my way seems so damn dark. Something that wont let me give or give in. This is the spirit of God that lives in me. Notice I said LIVES in me.

I am sitting here doing my best to type my life out. There is so much that I don’t say, because I don’t want people saying “you’re weak” or “you didn’t try hard enough” So some things I keep to myself. I find myself talking things out late at night where no one else can hear me. I have to be very careful of talking to myself……..I am homeless. Talking to yourself mean you have some metal issues.

My friend Tina is going to meet me at 5:00PM here at the Central Library. She is going to take me to dinner. There was a time when my cell phone was filled with so many numbers and there were so many nights that I was “out to dinner” and now that I have been dealing with all of this, only the “real people” remain. They might not be able to offer me offer much, but they love and friendship they have provided has been HUGE.

In close, want to express my heart felt thanks to Sarah. She has been a great friend. I remember the first time I met her. She came to one of my Do Something Saturday~that empowers people community outreaches. I am almost sure it was the where I was having a BBQ. In fact I am very sure. Her smile is so bright, always makes me feel so much better. She didn’t have to do what she did for me, but she did. Sarah doesn’t have a lot of money, she really just started working not long ago at this job. But she got me a room so I could rest. Thank you Sarah for all you’ve done. I love you with my entire soul.

If you’re watching my youtube channel, please be a bit patient with me. It takes a very long time to upload from the library and many times that connection is just good enough to check email.

I also want to say thanks again for all the cool messages you all have been sending me. Thanks for all the love and support. As I always say “I will get through this” I may have to cry many more nights. But I will get through this.

Blessings

The day is ending…..

• Posted by Kengi on May 21, 2008 at 5:28pm

It’s about 4:54 right now. The day is winding down. People are making their way home or at least preparing for it. I am looking at my phone to make sure I have enough battery life to get me through the night. I also checking my batteries for my digial camera. I use it at a lot at night when I am out all night. I remember once I useed it all night shooting video on 3rd street and in Los Angeles. I also had what I called “a private fashion show” along Wilshire in Beverly Hills. I will do a posting about it later tonight if I get the time.

I am having dinner with my friend Tina. I am not sure where we are going, but she suggested a place in Long Beach for Chinese. Since I havent had Chinese in such a long time, I am so looking forward to going. After dinning I will mor ethen likely be riding the train until it stops running at around 1AM. Then I will ride the bus line along either Wilshire or Santa Monica Boulevards. Those busses run all night. Even though it is only once an hour. My plans were to try to find a place where I could get some much needed sleep. But since it is windy outside, I think I should try to stay inside as much as I can. Plus my beanies arent dry and I dont want my head to get too cold.

I was cool taking some time to see what everyone else is doing on this network. I read some very cool messages, some of them even made me cry a bit. Not for bad reasons either, for very good ones. The reason I created this network for because I wanted to let people know about homelessness. Now it seems I have been thrusted into to so much else. I know that my life isnt a easy one. it never has been. Yeah, I have had things like money, cars, and fancy shit, but when I say “easy” I mean things like Sickel Cell. I didnt come home from the hospital for a very long time after I was born. Once home I didnt learn to walk for a very long time and even then the doctor’s told my parents not to push me too hard or think I would do too much. They were dead wrong. I guess I have always been a fighter or “hard headed” when it comes to live.

I am glad my Ma and Pops forced me to take vitatims as a kid. I never liked taking them, but i took them because the made me strong and kept me well. Since becoming homeless, I have found a new vitamin. I get to take it everyday, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day or more. I really hate this vitamin. The people who give it to me are such jackasses. But i smile and take it, because my parents always told me it would only make me stronger. I am so glad they told me this too. The name of this vitamin is “NO” I get them a lot from hospitals, doctors, social workers, shelters and bus drivers. It’s very hard to swallow, because I always wonder why i have to take so damn. But I have to look back and say “this will only make you stronger”

Thanks for all the love aand support guys. It means a great deal to me.

Gail Evans….one of LA’s Bag Ladies

• Posted by Kengi on May 22, 2008 at 1:18pm

Bag lady, you gone miss your bus. You cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff…….” Do you know this song? It’s by Erikah Badu. It’s a very cool song. I wanted to take some time to talk about my night.

I was treated to an awesome dinner at Chen’s last night in Long Beach y my friend Tina. Her and Andy have been awesome friends to me since I met them. It was awesome to be able to spend a great evening with a great friend over a nice meal.

After Tina and I hung out for a bit she dropped me off at Coffee Haven. There I was able to fully charge my cell phone and make sure I was ready for yet another night out. I always feel like I am ready, but when I see some of the things I see, I must tell you of just how much my heart breaks.

About a couple of weeks ago I told you about the lady who sat in front of me on the bus from Long Beach to Carson. If you are one of those who read the blog daily, then you know of whom I am speaking. She really touch my heart. Well last night there was another older woman. This time I was able to get her age because she was talking. It was about 11:41PM when I thought I had boarded the last train to Downtown LA from Long Beach. I was wrong. The last train was at 11:15. The train I boarded tot even leave Long Beach. It went to the Willow Street Station. If you live in Long Beach or know the LA area, then you know this train didn’t go very far. Like all the other riders on the train I had to get off and wait for the number 60B bus.

Waiting at the bus stop is where I first saw this woman. She is 78 years old. Sweet black woman who reminded me of my Mama Gween when I was a kid. She was dressed in what I would call her night clothes. She had on some warm long johns with a warmer looking skirt over them. She also had on a long sleeve shirt and a hoody. There was this awesome beanie on her head. I think she made it because while I sat there waiting for the bus I watched her knitting. She had a slight rockin motion back and forth. Just like the one Mama Gween use to have. She was humming a Negro Spiritual. “I’m not tired yet” with her she had a shopping buggy. It was packed very neatly with her night things on top.

“Hello young man my name is Gail Evans. Would you like to have a sit down next to me?” she said to this guy at the bus stop. He never replied to her. He simply looked at her like she had done something wrong to him.

“Yes Miss Evans, I would like very much to have a sit down next to you. It would be an honor.” I said.

She looked over at me and then back at him, then me and then him again. “Did I offend him? Cause I don’t mean to offend nobody. No sir, not Gail Evans.” She said with her hands to her chest.

“Well……c’on here boy and have a sit down with me while we’s waiting for that bus to show up. You know if wont be on time right? Aint like that thang is God. She says.

Before I could answer her she was right into her next tune “He’s an on time God” I smiled with this HUGE smile as she gave me a little concert complete with “Can’t nobody do me like Jesus” and “what a friend we have in Jesus” She ended her concer with “Pass me not or gentle savior” This is where I lost it and the tears began to fall. No sound came out, just tears.

Her was a woman, a black woman in her late 70’s, homeless aand everything she owned in a buggy and she singing unto the Lord. She talked for a while about how she became homeless and just how long she has been homeless. She is a native of California. Lived in Los Angeles all her life. She has out lived her husband and 5 kids. She told me when her last child died she had no money left her home had already been taken. She was 60 when she first became homeless and has been homeless ever since.

“Naw baby, don’t know nobody care for this old girl. But I am still here. Have lost all faith in government, man and churches with all they fancy buildings and fancy looking clothes. What I haven’t lost is my faith in God and myself. That’s why I am still here”

She told me a few awesome stories of her life and I was so moved by her in every way. You could see the life in her when she spoke. You could feel the power of her presence. When she first started singing there was so much noise from the crowd that had gotten off the train, but after that voice took flight there was nothing but silence. When she spoke everyone there were all ears. She kept her eyes on me the entire time. Just like no one else was even there.

By the time the bus came the man that didn’t answer her came up to her and said “I’m sorry for acting the way I did toward you. I had no right to do that.”

“You’re damn right you’re sorry. But not for what you did. You’re just sorry. You meant to treat me that way. I’ve seen plenty of people like you in this lifetime and I know I will bump into plenty more. No baby you’re not sorry. What’s in ya, tis gone come out.”

Right as the bus pulled up she looked at me and asked if I would help her with her “buggy box” I said yes and she got on the bus and was soon fast asleep. So woke just as we got to Flower and 7th in Downtown LA around 1:25AM. She told me that she knows of a safe place to sleep.

Again my heart broke and my tears began to roll as we said goodbye and she started down the street. This time there was noise. There was no silence to this cry. My entire spirit cried for her. That could have been my Grandma. Why does this happen in this country? Why does it happen any where? I begged God to keep her safe.

Time to rest

• Posted by Kengi on May 23, 2008 at 2:05pm

It sure felt good to sleep last night and until 11:00AM this morning. I’m sure everyone knows just how much a good nights rest can be. I haven’t had one in such a long time that I was beginning to forget what one feels like. But last night and up until about 20 minutes ago I know remember.

Last night I got on the train to begin my all night trek of trains until they stopped running then busses. The plan was to try to rest as much as I could on each ride. Well right as the Blue Line Train to Long Beach I got off at the first stop. I didn’t really know why I got off the train. I just did. The first stop is Staples Center. The new Nokia Theater complex is also there and the new LA LIVE is being built. It’s amazing how much Downtown LA has changed so fast. There are all these new HIGH END Lofts that were supposed to be affordable housing for low income families. That plan went right out the door. LA LIVE is supposed to be the complex that will put Downtown LA back on the map. From the looks of it, it is already working pretty damn well. The complex isn’t even finished yet, but all surrounding lofts are pretty much sold out. Even the lofts in the other areas are experiencing high leasing and sales. Yep, even the ones that sit just a block or two away from skid row.

So I got off the train and I walked. I called a few people that I know to see if they were home to help me pass the time. After three calls I was about to start taking more pictures and that is when I knew I wasn’t far from my friend Christina’s place. I called her and she said I could crash with her. She had company, but she still let me crash anyway. When I got there she came running down the stairs.

“Kengi…….how’s my friend?” she opens the downstairs gate with this huge smile anad give me a big hug.

“What’s up Christina? I am cool.”

I was one the phone with my friend Sean in New York while I walked over to Christina’s. I said goodbye to him and Christina and I talked over a glass of wine and some very good food she had left from Chipotle. She then gave me some tacos a friend of hers came over with. We laughed and talked for a good hour or so and then I needed to let her get back to her man. She let me sleep in her room in her bed. Made sure I have all the DVD’s and everything I needed. She even made sure my favorite movie of all time was in the DVD player. LOVES JONES.

Today I have already called the places that told me to call them to make an appointment. I have also called other places as a back up. I have even looked into services outside of Southern California. In fact, I have looked completely outside of California altogether. It’s very sad to me that I might have to leave the very place I have always called home. I was born and raised here, as were my parents and all their brothers and sisters. No matter how far I have lived away from Santa Monica, it has always been my home. It will always be my home. It just hurts me to know that I might have to leave the one place that holds all the great memories of my childhood, my family, my school life and a major part of my adult life.

I am just so happy that today, until Tuesday I will be able to rest and allow my body time to heal and get so strength back into it.

My first Pride Parade

• Posted by Kengi on May 24, 2008 at 10:58am

So I was bored and didn’t want to spend another day trapped inside. I had no Idea what I wanted to do and since I had no money I knew it would have to be FREE. I was in luck because there were a few things going on that were in fact just that, FREE. I could get the bus over to Torrance for the Armed Forces Parade, or I could get a free shuttle train from Union Station to Oxnard for the Strawberry Festival. My last choice was the Long Beach Gay Pride Parade and Festival. I knew the Festival was out of the question, I had no money to pay for entrance, but I could go to the parade, it was free.

I got to Long Beach around 9:00AM, the parade started at 10:30AM. This gave me a chance to take some cool pre-parade pics and find a place where I would stand or sit. I also had time to walk the parade route.

Since this was my first pride I was excited about it. I had no idea what to expect. I had heard so many cool things about pride and I had seen so many cool pics from people who had been to pride. Long Beach Pride Parade was almost like a parade of community organizations more then it was a parade about the gay community. I mean yes there were things like bars and such, but mostly it was politicians and community based organization. There weren’t many flouts with people in crazy, sexy cool outfits.

I was able to get some cool pictures and managed to have a nice time. When the parade was over I thought to myself

“So this was a pride parade? What’s the big whoop about?”

I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Out with the old and in with the new

• Posted by Kengi on May 24, 2008 at 3:15pm

The last time I was able to afford to buy myself some shoes was back in November. They didn’t last very long. They were a pair of the Converse low rise, no lace shoes. I got them because they were on sale and they were all I could afford.

They served their purpose, but they where long overdue for replacement. Over the past few weeks they have been very hard on my feet. Last week after all the walking I was doing they had begun giving me blisters on the sole of my feet. Then over last weekend I started getting blisters on the tips of my toes.

The day Sarah got me a room for the night the pain was so bad that I could barely walk in the shoes altogether. Simply putting on the extra socks I got from Target was only making the pain that much worse. I had to get some new shoes.

I spent almost all day on Wednesday and Thursday trying to find places where I could get some used shoes for free. I went to APLA, The GoodWill, The Salvation Army as well as thrift stores, the missions and shelters. None of these places were able to help me with getting shoes of any kind. I then placed an ad online asking the gay community for help. All I got from them were jokes and requests for sex in exchange for shoes. I deleted the ad and made some calls to friends and even started a group here on my network asking for help.

My friend Natalie called me and told me she would get me some shoes. I was so happy to hear this. We talked for a few hours last night and today she picked me up and took me to BIG 5 were I was able to get some new shoes. She was even going to get me a second pair, but I declined them because I really have no place to keep them. I also didn’t want to take something I really didn’t need. I did however ask for underwear. Since she was pressed for time, we will meet later this weekend to get the underwear.

The shoes I got are very comfortable and are larger then I normally wear, but they fit just fine. My feet were very thankful to have shoes on them that no longer hurt or cause such things like blisters. Since I have been able to rest here at Christina’s I have been able to allow my feet some rest time and they have been able to heal.

On the way home from getting the shoes, Natalie treated me to lunch and purchased enough for me to eat off of for dinner and tomorrow as well. That was very cool. I am very blessed to have someone like Natalie in my life. She is someone who has supported me and provided things like her awesome friendship, love, food, clothing and support without making me feel like some bum.

So I now have a cool new comfortable pair of shoes that are sure to last me for a while.

Rest……I almost forgot what it felt like

• Posted by Kengi on May 25, 2008 at 11:06pm

This weekend has been petty cool. I’ve been able to do nothing but rest and get my strength up and prepare for next week. This was something I wasn’t able to do when I was at Brian’s. Resting was out of the question and time alone to myself where I could think, pray and just take time to clear my head wasn’t something I was able to do there. In fact it is something I haven’t been able to do at all in a very long time. Not even while I was in the hospital. In fact if anyone thinks they are going to be able to get some rest while they are in the hospital, they should put it out of their heads.

Since late Friday night, a night that I thought I would be sleeping outside again, I place a last minute call to my friend Christina and she told me to come stay the entire weekend with her. So Friday night I had the chance to take a HOT shower, eat a great meal and spend some time with an awesome friend. This entire weekend has been nothing more then me relaxing and not worrying about anything other then resting.

Christina has been great to me. She has given up her room and her bed in order for me to get some much needed rest. She’s made sure I’ve had plenty of fruits and veggies to eat. She’s been simply awesome to me and I cant remember the last time I’ve laughed or haad some much fun.

Today was very nice. I spent the day with Christina. We went Downtown LA to the Fashion District to the Santee Alley. I haven’t been there in such a long time, in fact not since I was a small child. As I said in the blog post from Friday night Downtown LA is changing so much and the Santee Alley is no different.

Once back to Christina’s loft, we watched TV ONE and then she left for church. I relaxed on the sofa and took a nap and talked to some friends on the phone. My friend Jason from New York called to see how things were going and we ended up talking for almost two hours before my phone was about to die.

I even had some time to read some blogs and welcome several new members to the network. This has been the best weekend I have had in such a long time and I have been able to get some much rest and do so much laughing and relaxing. I am so thankful to finally be able to get some much needed ME time in.

Are you positive?

• Posted by Kengi on May 26, 2008 at 10:19am

Since being told I am HIV positive I have just been so lost. I am getting overloaded with so much information. Some good, some bad and some I just dont know about at all. Trying to find answers to all the questions I now have is haarder then I thought. With each answer comes many more questions and concerns. I got this email from someone who has been reading my blog for sometime. This isnt the first time I have gotten an email like this from people who read my blog. Last week in a HIV support group I was also given a website that had pretty much the same information.

———–
www.helpforhiv.com

Here are ten facts every person diagnosed as HIV-positive has a right to know

1. There is strong evidence that the HIV test you took is very often wrong. We have found over fifty different scientific studies listing seventy non-HIV conditions that can make the test produce false positive results. Depending on which test you took, they can actually be wrong as much as 90% of the time. So you might not be HIV-positive at all.

2. The HIV test you took was not a test for AIDS, or even a test for HIV. Despite what we’ve all been told, it was a simple test to find certain antibodies in your blood — an “HIV-antibody” test. But viral antibodies alone do not indicate a current infection. In fact, in virtually every other antibody test, to be positive for the antibodies means that you had exposure to or a prior virus infection and are now immune from the disease that virus could cause. Antibody protection is the basis for the practice of vaccinations, like gaining immunity against the flu with a flu shot. There are no studies that show why we should think any differently about antibodies to HIV. A growing number of experts now believe that testing HIV-antibody-positive actually means that you have successfully created what your body needs to defeat any HIV infection.

3. The HIV test you took has never been “validated,” as was normally done in the past. That means that there has never been a group of people who tested HIV-positive who were then proven to have active HIV (not just the antibodies) in their blood. Conversely, there has also never been a group who tested HIV-negative and were proven not to have active HIV in their blood. This lack of test validation raises serious questions about the validity of your positive diagnosis.

4. The proteins used in the HIV test kits have never been proven to be unique or specific for HIV. In fact, every one of the proteins used in the test has been found to be associated with conditions that have nothing to do with HIV — and many of these proteins have nothing to do with illness of any kind. In other words, scientific evidence cannot prove that a positive HIV test means that you have HIV or AIDS or any other health problem.
5. No HIV test, whether it uses blood, urine or saliva, has ever been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the specific intended purpose of diagnosing infection with HIV.

Click to enlarge
In fact, there is a printed insert that comes in every HIV test kit which contains a disclaimer that the test cannot diagnose actual infection with HIV. Most doctors giving the test and most people taking the test never see these disclaimers

6. Nineteen samples of the same blood were sent to nineteen different laboratories for a Western Blot test, and they all came back with different results. 525 samples of the same blood of an ELISA-Positive test were sent to 525 different laboratories for a Western Blot confirmation, and came back with very different results. One blood sample was sent to the same lab 44 times and came back with different results. This means that your tests results could have been different if they had been done in a different laboratory.

7. There is no established standard for determining the results of your test. In fact, there are at least ten different ways to interpret your HIV test, and each one of those can give a different result. It often depends on where you live in the world, whose standards are used to interpret your test, and what information you give about your life and health history. You might be positive according to one set of standards, but negative using another. Some people have gone from being HIV-positive to being HIV-negative just by moving to a different location, or by changing laboratories or testing sites, or giving different information about their potential “risk factors.”

8. Many people believe that HIV viral load tests do what antibody tests cannot, by detecting the actual virus. But this is a false belief. According to the disclaimer statements on viral load tests, they are “not intended to be used as a screening test for HIV or to confirm HIV infection.” This is because the viral load tests have some of the same problems as the HIV blood tests: they have never been validated, the “probes” and “primers” they use have never been proven to be unique or specific to HIV, they are not standardized from laboratory to laboratory, they produce a high rate of false positives, and more. In fact, most laboratories will not allow you to take an HIV viral load test unless you have already tested HIV-positive, because people who are HIV-negative have had high HIV viral load results.
In addition, the most recent scientific study shows that viral load measurements failed in 90% of the cases in predicting the loss of CD4 cells, which HIV is supposed to destroy. In fact, viral load tests were only able to predict “progression to disease” in 4% to 6% of the HIV-Positives studied. This study proves that there must be “nonvirological mechanisms as the predominant cause of CD4 cell loss.” In other words, HIV cannot be the cause of immune deficiency and therefore a viral load test is a totally useless indicator of whether someone will get AIDS. An analysis of this study in the same issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association concluded that viral load results alone should not be used to begin antiretroviral therapy (HAART).

9. A lot of emphasis is also placed on CD4 (or T-cell) counts to diagnose someone with AIDS. However, T-cell counts can fluctuate widely from day to day and hour to hour in even normal, healhy people. We’ve known since 1991 that “variance in CD4 from …non-HIV related longitudinal fluctuations needs to be accounted for in analysis of the prognostic power of CD4 in HIV infection.” And other studies have found perfectly healthy HIV-negative individuals with very low T-cell counts. And as recently as May 2007, from the Imperial College of London: “Our new interdisciplinary research has thrown serious doubt on one popular theory of how HIV affects these [CD4] cells.”

10. And despite what you hear from the mass media, there is no scientific study that proves that HIV is transmitted through heterosexual intercourse. In fact, the opposite is true. The longest and largest study of its kind (called the Padian study) found no transmission of HIV in any of the study couples, regardless of whether they were using condoms or not; and the most recent study from the British Medical Journal found no evidence that abstinence would prevent HIV infection.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL !

Even if the HIV tests were validated, approved for diagnosing actual HIV infection, and had a universal standard of interpretation, there is still no conclusive medical evidence that proves that testing positive is an indication that you are or will become sick. Despite everything you may have heard over the past twenty years, there is still no scientific study that proves that HIV causes AIDS or shows that it destroys the immune system. In fact, a review of the medical literature reveals that HIV fails every medical and scientific test to be called the cause of AIDS.

Because of these questions about the HIV tests, and HIV itself, you should carefully consider whether or not to take the drugs you will be pressured to take, called anti-retroviral drugs (or HAART). Recent scientific studies show that more people are dying from the side effects of these drugs than from illnesses associated with AIDS, and that the drugs being given today are even worse than the ones offered ten years ago.

These statements, and all the other information offered on this website, are not our opinions, but irrefutable facts. If you are told something different by your doctor or the mass media, we urge you to read the scientific studies for yourself and come to your own conclusions.

Although this information is rarely found in the mass media or in presentations by the AIDS establishment, it is supported by more than 2300 medical and scientific researchers, legal experts, doctors, chiropractors, PhD’s, journalists, health care providers, and other professionals – including two Nobel Prize winners in medicine and chemistry and members of the U.S. National Academy of Sciences.

Blogs from 2008

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Breaking Point

• Posted by Kengi on January 7, 2008 at 9:34pm
• 

I have always been good at tricking myself into thinking that I am very strong. That I can do anything, overcome anything, beat anything. I have become very good at telling myself that no matter what I would be ok. No matter what.

Tonight is very different. In fact the past few days have been very different. I feel like I have lost this battle. I feel like there just isn’t any use in trying to move forward. I cant find a job and I don’t have a place to live.

This past week I spent I spent with my friend Brian. It was very hard for me not to ask him if I could stay with him until things got better for me. But I don’t know when that will be or if it will ever be. Brian has been so kind to make sure I am warm, safe, fed and that I have someone to talk to.

I just got back over to Kimarie’s, she arrives home tomorrow. I have been looking after her animals and taking as best I can, care of her place since she has been gone. Since the first of the year I have been looking at just how much my life has changed. Just how far I seem off track. Just how hard I have tried with all that is within me to find a place to live, find work and turn things around. It just doesn’t seem to be happening at all. It seems I am further off track then ever before and there doesn’t seem to be a way back.

I am very depressed, I having so much pain with my sickle cell and I don’t even want to talk about what is going on with the cancer. I will say that I missed a Dr’s appointment today. I just don’t have the money to pay for the Dr’s visit. I am starting not to return calls from people and I am also sleeping more. There are times when I wish would just go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to be here anymore.

I saw a friend on TV tonight, she looked great, I have another friend who is buying a home, my friend Brian is moving further away and I don’t know that I will get to see him all that much anymore. My life really sucks ass and I am so fucking sick of it.

The other day I got am email from a company that helps to place cooks into jobs. They told me I was the final candidate for a job at USC and to contact the house director. I called her and I have only heard back from her once. That was two days ago. I know school will be starting soon and I am really bummed out now because she hasn’t returned my emails or my phone calls. I tried to tell myself that this is because it’s the weekend and she might be out of town. Well today was Monday and I know she cant still be out of town with school starting soon.

Please pray for me. I am getting to the point where I thought I would never get. The point where I don’t care or he point where I just give up.

It’s not up to you

• Posted by Kengi on January 9, 2008 at 8:20pm
• 

One of the hardest things about being homeless, well for me away was the fact that when I finally told people, that I thought were my friends, most of them acted like I had done something to them.

“I feel you betrayed me”

“How could you do this to me?”

“What were you thinking? You know I would have helped you and would have stayed your friend regardless.”

I heard them all, from some people I am to be very honest are out of my life and then from those who really seemed to care about me. Well at least until they knew the truth about me being homeless.

The sad fact of the matter is this. People will say one thing when they know something about you and they will tell you how much they would have loved and supported you if you had only told them the truth to begin with. If all this is true, and all the love and respect they say they have for you would still be in tact. They would be here right now, but since I am homeless and didn’t want to share that with them lets me know that I was correct in not telling them.

I have some friends who have had the misfortune of dealing with homelessness. All of whom had it far worse then myself. I have a friend who was raped and beaten up and another friend who turned tricks on nights when it was cold or wet outside. He even turned tricks to get money for food to give to others who were homeless. I have another friend who is in her late 60’s and she was homeless for more then 15 years.

“I don’t feel bad for not telling anyone. Why they hell should I? Just so they can fell better then me? Look down on me? I don’t need that shit. People who tell you one thang and right around and do something else are so full of their own shit they believe it.

“How did you make it for 15 years?”

“I had people I met on the street. I made up people I could talk to. Not like the lady over there. Naw, child. I wrote to people and mailed myself letters. I pretended to meet people for lunch and dinner. I remember once how I found 100 dollars and I got on the train and I left Long Beach. I sat my ass up in this fancy little shit hole in Beverly Hills. I ate and drank just like I was one of them. I was rude, just like they are and I pretended to talk to someone on the phone the entire time. Just like they do when I ask them for some change.

I got through by staying to myself and not letting anyone, not PATH, the Sunlight Mission, the Godforsaken Dream Center or the anyone else tell me how to overcome. I wasn’t about to set up and let someone who has never walked a minute in my shoes, tell me all the things I have done wrong and all the ways they could help me if I only did it their way.”

Later she would tell me how she’d see workers from PATH and other places buying EBT cards from homeless people. She said she seem so called shelter workers getting high with homeless people and then telling them how getting high was wrong and that is the reason why they are homeless to begin with.

“Naw, baby. I don’t need another uninvited guest at this party called homelessness. I got to many people at the party already.”

I know all too well what she means.

“Kengi, we’ve worked side by side and many projects. I have come to love and respect you. We’ve become very good friends. I would have helped you if you just told me the truth.” One person told me

Ask this very same person how old I was, where I went to school, what my last name was, or when my birthday was they wouldn’t even have a fuckin clue. But they were such good friends with me. Ask them how many times they went with me to the Dr for my cancer treatments. The answer would be “NEVER”

“Kengi, I love you and God has the answers for you. I know you will come through this and I love the projects who have worked on together and I know we will again very soon. I love you and want the best for you. You know this……”

I asked this person many times if I could wash my clothes, take a shower, get some rest or even spend one night at their house. The answer was always “I am busy…..I am going to church……You know I have school.” This person has been in my life all my life. Her family and mine know each other very well. She is right, we did work on some projects together. Projects where I did all the work and she got all the credit and most of the money. In the end she tried to get rid of me by showing my blog to people who do like like “Fags” or “homeless people” she tried with all her might to squash me.

“I’ve saved my reputation with the LA Weekly. They want me to do another story on Kengi. I wish I would have read the blog of John before I became his friend…..”

John is a homeless man who wanted me to use the very little bit of money I was getting to buy him a new digital camera, cover his overdrafts at his bank and buy him drugs. John is from the east coast and is what is called a career homeless man. He uses the system and people and them minute he doesn’t get what he wants he turns on them.

Justin is the co called journalist that almost lost a job her never even had at the LA Weekly. He told every one how he was able to save his rep with them and how they wanted to do another story on me. People ate it up without question. This is the same small minded person who shows up to do an interview about me with a friend of mine and then has no money to pay for what he ordered. He didn’t even bother to talk to people who had anything positive to say about me or what I have done. Thos who he thought would say something bad and didn’t were just dismissed.

Keep trying to burry me Justin. It wont work and no matter how much you write about me or how much you tell lies about me, my message and my work will move forward. Because aint up to you. KT, Annette, David, Stephanie, Julie or anyone else who has nothing but bad things to say about me. People who took the time to find out who I am and what I stand for are still standing with me. You have only made me stronger.

Driving force

• Posted by Kengi on January 10, 2008 at 9:34pm
• 

For the biggest blessing throughout this whole time being homeless is the fact that I never felt like God had left me or that my mind wasn’t sound. There are people who have come into my life, they are gone now and they would have me believe that I was bi-polar or that I needed to be in some sort of treatment program to deal with things i am dealing with. For a minute, I was stuck on stupid and I listened to them, because they promised to support me every step of the way. Well once I decided that the way they wanted to help wasn’t what God has for me, nor was it the path that he has given me to walk on. When I told them this, they all turned and told me how “stupid” I was one lady, for lack of a better word even went so far to tell me that I had no clue as what the voice of God sounds like and i had no right to even let his name slip from my lips. It’s funny how the enemy will come in and set up shop and then tell you that you’re the crazy one or you’re the one who needs help. I am here to tell you that the devil is a liar and he is under my feet.God promised me a sound mind and this is just what I have. I just had too many people telling me otherwise.

I felt like I had lost so much when my blog was CLOSED on TRIBE.NET. Let the truth be known. I did not close it. TRIBE even blocked my email address so I cant sigh up again. But look how awesome and powerful God is. TRIBE did me a huge favor by closing the account. All the evil and negativity coming from that site were cut off to me. i was shut out and not allowed to go back in. HELLO can you say BLESSING? All the good I thought was there, WASN’T and just as i had been praying for it was removed and so were all the people who had other agendas. God blocked it. He wouldnt let me fall any further into the trap and web of evil that was about to over take me. All masked as friends and people who care.

This is how I knew I had made the right choice. Besides being told by close friends and family, but most of all by GOD. There were so many people turned on me. So many people wanted to control me and mold me into the person they want. I struggled for a minute, but just the other day I started laughing because I had been praying to God all year to remove things and take things away from me so that I could find, seek and live MY TRUTH.

For the past year God has done just that. He removed things like cars and money and then replaced them with things like UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and people who really know what this means. So many things have been removed from my life so I am able to see clearly without someone or something next to me blocking my view. I am laughing as i type this now because just as God was moving in my life, the forces of evil were also very busy in my life. So many people came into my life in the past year or 98.9% of them are gone. They were never supposed to be there.

I am leaving last year behind. I am leaving people, situations and all that has held me back and kept me from walking my path, my truth. With this new year, I am looking and smiling because the grace of God is upon me and it shines bright on my face and in my soul. Dont get me worng, i am not going to beat down your door or become a bible basher and make you a believer. That isn’t my calling. My calling is to be a light sitting on hill, that can not be hid, for all to see, for all to admire and strive to be. I am not saying that I am the only night. not at all. For I am one of many that sit on the very same hill. I am just joining my brothers and sisters who have been sitting there waiting for me to join them.

I like what I see when I look at me when I’m walking past the mirror. I got my head is straight, I got my vibe right and i wont let you kill it. No more stress through the night because I am at a point in my life where i am not worried about what you’re feeling. I’m fine. I wont change my life, because my life is just fine. So you can try to stop me from moving forward, but it wont work. it’s not up to you and you don’t have the power to stop anything that God has put in me.

I am once again in love with life, in love with me, but this time I will do my best to remain seated at the thrown and allow God to lead and take me where he would have me to go. MY PATH, MY TRUTH.

So stop worrying so much about my path and my truth and deal with your own. You have your hands full with that. You don’t have time to take on mine.

My dear friends, who have stood with me in this time in my life. not in silence because you were afraid of what people would think of you, I want to say a mighty big thanks. God Bless each of you for all you messages, kind words, chill time, and all that you have blessed me with. God Has great things in store for each of you. Thanks for knowing the true meaning of the words LOVE and FRIENDSHIP.

David said it best. when he called me the CENTER. I am the CENTER of my foundation and the CENTER of Do Something Saturday and all the awesome things that have come from these two forces are the brainstorm of ME. All the programs, outreaches and all the planning and organizing that went into all of it were done by me. THE CENTER is so right. I am the center of my work and all that I have done all while being HOMELESS and no one can ever take that away from me.

KENGI……..THE CENTER

AWESOME

• Posted by Kengi on January 13, 2008 at 10:10am

Last night I had a great time with two AWESOME friends. I soent the evening with my friends Andy and Tina. They took me out for Sushi and then we went to an art event at Bergermont Station in Santa Monica. OMG, it was one really AWESOME night.

There are times when I just need to take a minute to step back and enjoy the moment. Last night was just that. We took in some awesome food and awesome art and I had a great time.

Today (Sunday January 13) I had the chance to do another outreach, thanks in huge part to Andy and Tina. They provided me with some AWESOME items that I was able to donate to some low income families and homeless people. Right now, I am at my friends Kimarie’s and I am about to upload my videos to youtube and google and then I am planning to go out on a picture adventure as I make my way back towards my friend Brian’s. It will be back to the daily grind of finding a job tomorrow.

Staph infection

• Posted by Kengi on January 13, 2008 at 1:18pm

After such an amazing night with my friends Tina and Andy, then doing two awesome outreaches this morning with the items they provided, I am so pumped about doing two more this afternoon. That would have been four outreaches in one day. But I am having to put the outreaches for this afternoon on hold until I take a minute to take care of myself.

So last week i had what i was thinking was just a simple spider bite, but today after going to change the bandage where the bite was, I see something that is just gross. My legs is oozing both blood and puss and the area that was once just red and small is now this huge open yucky wound. I almost threw up when I looked at it. I am in no pain, but after talking with my Dr’s they think it is best for me to go to an E.R.

I am so bummed and worried right now. I don’t have money for this and I don’t have any time to spend being sick. My Dr’s told me that there is a strong possibility that since i am homeless and i have cancer the E.R. Dr might want to admit me. I am so hoping this isn’t the case. However if they think it is best, then I will stay I was so looking forward to just having a great day. I wanted to do the outreaches and then maybe have some time left to go out and take some pictures, but I don’t think this will happen since i know i will be in the E.R. for the rest of the day.

I was also supposed to work for this lady later tonight to earn some money. This would have been just enough to pay for my cell phone bill that is due tomorrow. I try so had to remain upbeat and positive about my situation. However my medical situation really bring me down and it seems that with each passing day, my body is simply shutting down on me and I cant seem to get control of it.

I had someone tell me that “it’s what you attract” FUCK THAT, I didn’t send out some message to give me cancer or sickle cell and homelessness isn’t something i would wish on anyone. So keep your fucking “laws of attraction”and “the Secret” bullshit, cult, I cant think for myself, messages to your damn self.

I am so fucking pissed and burnt out on being sick right now. I hate to even think that I have to go to the ER and might have to stay in the hospital as well. FUCK.

Asking for help isn’t something I am good at doing and for good reason. I just don’t like to hear the lies that people can come up with and then I don’t like being ignored once i do ask. it just makes me feel that much worse and it also makes me feel like such a fucking dumbass for asking for help int he first damn place.

Cell phones for homeless people

• Posted by Kengi on January 19, 2008 at 4:07pm

I’ve been able to create some pretty awesome programs that help homeless people, low income families and seniors. I am very proud of the things I have been able to do with the help of others.

One of the programs I have been able to create is my Cell Phone Outreach to mostly homeless people. I was able to create this program after a friend of mine told me he could supply me with cell phones free of charge with prepaid cards already loaded on them. Since the creation of this program I have been able to pass out, free of charge about 20 cell phones to homeless people.

One of the things I quickly became aware of since becoming homeless was the fact that I had no way of getting in touch with places for work, or people who might be able to help me. So when I was presented the opportunity to provide cell phones free of charge to people who could really use them, I was so happy. Not being able to get messages from places that might want to hire you or from family, friends or even medical offices can be very depressing.

Last week I was presented with 8 more cell phones and I am happy to report that I was able to pass out three of them today.

There is an estimated 98 thousand homeless people in Los Angeles County. It is considered the homeless capital of the world within its county lines rank as some of the worst places for homeless people to have the misfortune of finding themselves homeless in.

Through this program this is just one way I am able to reach out and help people who are homeless just like me.

Cell Phone for Salis

• Posted by Kengi on January 23, 2008 at 7:07pm
• 
• Many people have asked me about some of the people I have helped since I started my Do Something Saturday outreach. Today I had the chance to bump into someone and I asked him if it was alright to blog our meeting. He smiled and told me yes.“Hey Kengi”“Sup Salis, how are you doin man?”“I am doing.” he laughs.Salis is someone I met last year at the cold weather shelter in Los Angeles. I am not sure how he became homeless, but he has told me about some mental health issues that he has. After just talking with him for a short time the issues he spoke of became very clear.Salis is harmless and when he wants to be left alone, you just need to give him his space. This can be said for EVERYONE. Including non-mental, non homeless people. Today was a good day for Salis and I am glad it was. I haven’t had the chance to speak with him since all the shit here in TRIBE went down and I became this “demon”“How’s your health dude?” he asked“It’s ok. My Sickle Cell is bothering me a it, but I am ok. How bout you? How’s your feet?”“Let me show you.”Salis had this problem with his feet and was treating them himself. There were times when it was too hard for him to walk. He had them wrapped up in plastic bags most of the time, but when he removed them, the smell was so bad. I remember once when he showed me his feet and I nearly threw up. Not from the smell, but because of how they looked. But today they looked fine.

  We chatted for a bit outside the library in Santa Monica. He asked me about my blog and how things were going with the “project” I started.

  “It’s called Do Something Saturday. I put it on hold for a minute, but I am doing it again. Funny you mention it, I have a cell phone if you need one. I know how hard it can be to get in touch with places like jobs and look for work without a phone.”

  “Yeah Louis, I can use a phone. That would be huge help to me.”

  I reach into my bag and take out the last cell phone I have with me. For those of you who read my blog before it was removed by TRIBE, then you know I have this friend I call “Santa Claus” that gives my prepaid cell phones that I then give away to homeless people. While eating dinner with them about a week ago, Santa Claus and his girl friend gave me 8 prepaid phones, a desk top computer and two bags of clothes. The computer went to a woman in Downtown LA that just recently moved into a place after being homeless here in Los Angeles for nearly 7 years. The clothes went to two different families. One in West LA and the other in Santa Monica. I’ve been able to pass out the cell phones in Carson, Santa Monica and Los Angeles. I got a text message the yesterday telling me that “Santa” had more phones for me to pick up.

  I was happy I was able to give the last phone in my backpack to someone I know.

  “Man, I can use this phone to call this job I was told about.”

  “Great man. You have minutes already loaded on the phone and when they run out all you have to do is purchase another prepaid card. My phone number is in the phone, so keep in touch with me and if you need help getting the new card and I have the money to help you, I will.”

  “With all the shit that you’re going through, I can’t believe you are still trying to help people. The things that one dude was saying about you was fucked up and wrong.”

  “I know it was, but people will say and do whatever they want. I know there are people, like yourself and others who know the truth, so I try not to let people like them get to me. Although sometimes that can be very hard.”

  Salis has been staying at the cold weather shelter. He tells me that things are a bt better there since I took the time to write and call the people I did.

  “The cots are still nasty, but the food has gotten a little bit better and thanks to all the noise you made and for giving out the phone numbers to people in charge of VOA and the health department.”

  “Well, like I said when I was doing it. I wasn’t calling the health department or the headquarters for VOA to get famous. In fact, you were there when I made one of the calls and I didn’t even give them my name. I simply told them what was going on and offered to send them pictures. I did it because it was the right thing to do. People need to be aware of the things that homeless people have to put up with.”

  “You’re right. But you know, for the most part people don’t give a damn about homeless people. Shit like that takes place all the time. People just don’t care.”

  “Well, there are some people who do care man. I have to get going, but please stay I touch and now that I know you are still around, I will look for you.”

  “You take care too man. There is so much I want to tell you, so you can write about it.”

  “Cool beans, but this time, if you don’t mind, I would like to film it.”

  “No problem. I will call you. Have a nice day Kengi. Can we still call you that?” he laughs.

  “Yes man. Yes you can. Don’t let the smooth taste full ya.”

How do you remain so upbeat?

• Posted by Kengi on January 23, 2008 at 7:12pm
• 

I’ve been asked this question many times. To be very honest I am not always up beat and there are days when I feel like giving up. There are days when I feel like I am all alone in this world, but then I see someone who is in a much worse situation then I. This doesn’t always make it easier, but it lets me know that things could be far worse.

“How do you deal with cancer treatments and Sickle Cell while you are homeless?”

The best way I can. There have been times I’ve had to sleep outside right after a cancer treatment. I remember once when I was so sick after one of my treatments and my Sickle Cell kicked into high gear. I was on Santa Monica Beach lying on the sand. I began to vomit and it wasn’t long before it was all over me. I was too tired to move, so I sat there. People walked past me just like I wasn’t there. Those that did notice me looked at me like I was some sort of sick animal or I had done something so wrong to them. Nightfall didn’t come fast enough.

There have been times when I had to eat from trash containers at the mall or behind some restaurant because the food there was safer then what I would get from shelters or places like OPCC.

“Hi Louis, how are you feeling today?” the nurse says to me at one treatment that really sticks out in my head.

“I am alright.”

“You look very sad today. Is everything alright? You’re always smiling when you come in for your treatments.”

The nurse had no idea that I was homeless and that day I felt like just ending it all. She was so use to seeing me smile and say how great I was. All that was going through my head was what I had done the day before. It took everything in me to get myself out of bed and do my best to pull myself together and try to block out what I had done.

I knew the appointment was scheduled; I had cancelled it twice before because I didn’t have the money to pay for the office visit and I was behind with Blue Cross. I went to the welfare office and begged them to help me pay for my Dr’s visit. I placed ads on craigslist asking for help. I applied for work ever place I saw a sign. I went to labor ready and I wasn’t able to make enough money to pay for the Blue Cross bill and the Dr’s visit.

The night before I was to have my cancer treatment I turned my first trick. I made $300. That was enough to pay the minimum for Blue Cross and cover my co-pay. I am gay, so sex with men wasn’t something that was foreign to me. However getting paid to have sex and with someone I didn’t know and didn’t give a rats ass about was very foreign.

I cried for the longest time after he left. What had I just done to myself? I cried on the bus all the way to the Dr and once I left the Dr I cried in the cab ride back to the hotel. That was the worst day of my life. Sitting here typing it brings tears to my eyes. There have been a few times since I’ve been homeless where I have had sex in order to pay for food, medical bills or to have a place to rest.

My homelessness was an ugly secret and I wasn’t about to tell anyone what I was going through and how much pain I was in. I also wasn’t about to allow someone to think for one fucking second that they were some how better then me. I also wasn’t about to have people treat me like I just spit in their face and killed their fuckin cat. I kept my private life private and I pretended everything was just fine.

My foundation and Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people project became my therapy. I was able to forget about what I was going through and try my best to make sure someone else didn’t have to go through it.

I haven’t forced myself to have sex for money in order to pay medical bills, have a place to sleep or get food and clothing for myself. I simply skip the appointments, I don’t eat and at times I sleep where ever I can find a safe place to lie down.

It’s simply the grace of God, that I am here right now. It is with this grace and his favor that I have been able to keep a positive outlook on things. So I guess it’s the HOPE and FAITH that I will make it through this very dark point in my life.

What I am proud most of is the fact that throughout all of this, the cancer, sickle cell, homelessness, sex and so many nights of tears I’ve been able to find the courage and strength that is within me to reach out and try to make things better for other homeless people no matter what I am going through. For me it has been much better to try to find ways I can help others instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

“Baby, folks need to go through some shit before they can understand choices other folks have to make. Just know this, God is the Joy and the strength of you life. He will remove all pain, misery and strive. No matter what you go through in this life, know that God will never leave you, nor turn his back on you like man will. Always remember this. To whom much is given, much is required” My Nana (Great Grandmother) told me this when I was a 13.

Are homeless people just lazy?

• Posted by Kengi on January 23, 2008 at 7:17pm

It’s almost been a year since I became homeless. My unemployment had run out and I had been looking for work for well over a year. My former job let me go as I was going through chemotherapy.

“We really need someone who can be here.”

I had some money in the bank and I also had a nice chunk saved away just in case I ever did find myself without work. I never thought I would have to plan for something like being out of work and battling both cancer and sickle cell. I also never thought in a million years I would ever be fired from a job. I always moved on to other jobs that offered more challenges, more money and more free time.

I did contact an employment attorney and he told me I had no case. This is after working for this family for more then 2 years. I loved that job and when the cancer came up for the 4^th time in my life, I was honest with them and they told me not to worry about it.

“You’re like family to us and there will always be a place here for you.”

I’ve spent my life cooking. I have lived all over the U.S. and outside of the country as well. I am damn good at what I do, but it would seem that now all these years of experience doesn’t mean a damn thing.

“We’re really looking for someone with a culinary degree”

Last year I had to make a choice. My checking account had $25 in it and my savings account wasn’t too far behind. Unemployment was never enough to help me too much and most of the time it never showed up. When it ran out and I had no job in sight and both my medical and rent was due, I made the choice of paying my medical bills. I didn’t this because I knew I would be homeless for very long. Plus I am college educated and pretty damn smart. I also thought I could get housing from the state since I was sick. Well that wasn’t the case. The state had no help for me.

I took my things and placed them in storage, but I soon had to get rid of all of it to pay my medical bills. I also had to pay for a place to sleep on weeks when I had my cancer treatments or on days when my Sickle Cell just would not let me sleep on the beach.

I started out with this backpack filled with clothes and toiletry items. I also had my laptop and digital camera. It wasn’t long before I found myself leaving things behind for fear of not looking homeless or not wanting to get bothered by the police. I took showers at the beach and when I couldn’t do that I would make sure I was up as soon as the restrooms along the beach opened so I could clean as best I could and be out of there before other homeless people arrived to do the same thing I was. Again, I also didn’t want the people who clean the bathrooms giving me a hard time like they did all the other homeless people. I also didn’t want to get a ticket for bathing in the restroom.

People have asked me why I didn’t go to the missions in Downtown LA.

“I know they would have provided you with some assistance. They could have even given you a place to stay for a while.”

People who tell homeless people to sleep at the missions in Downtown LA have never been inside, nor do they know the kind of help these places offer. I mean think about it. If they were doing such a grand job, then why does skid row exist?

Furthermore, I did seek out help down on skid row from the Union Rescue Mission. I was given a bed for 30 days. I got a bad case of bed bugs my first night there, not to mention that night was also the first in 5 fist fights. Three of the fights were with people who worked for the mission. I was sick the entire time I stayed. I was never able to determine what caused me to be so sick while I was there. Could it have been the fact that they place is just dirty? Could it have been the spoiled food they serve? Maybe it was the dirty showers with at least two feet of water that never drained. It could have been the bedding that was given to me dirty. I don’t know why I was so sick while I was there, but I do know I felt so much better about two days after leaving.

On the 12^th day there I was offered a job. PRAISE GOD!!! I was to be the cook for a film set. That night my laptop and digital camera went missing from locked area that ONLY STAFF had keys to. I spoke with Mr. Brown about this and has made me so mad I wanted to punch him in the face.

“What kind of homeless man are you? What are you doing with laptop and digital camera?”

I left that hell hole that afternoon. They acted like my things getting taken from a room that is under their observation was some how my fault for having such “non-homeless” items to begin with.

I went back to sleeping on the beach for four nights until I left for the film location. The job lasted for 16 days. I was paid very well, but not enough to dig myself out. Two days after getting back I went to the ER because I was coughing blood. I was in the hospital for two weeks. With the money I had left I was able to get a cheap room for two weeks.

While at the cheap motel I began to think that I could not be the only person who was in bad need of help. There had to be others just like me. If there were, how could I help them? Who would I turn to for support of this? I had already asked so many people for help for myself and this help either never came or was very limited and came with too much judgment and conditions. There just had to be a way for me to use my education and God given talent to help make things a little brighter for others who are living homeless just like me.

But how?

11:46PM Monday Night

• Posted by Kengi on January 29, 2008 at 12:26pm
• 

I just shot two videos that I will try to up load to either youtube or google video tomorrow. I am feeling very defeated and sort of depressed. I have made the choice to leave the safe place where I am staying for a few reasons.

1)It’s too far and I don’t have money to get around

2)I don’t want my homelessness to end the great friendship I have with Brian

3)I need to be in an area where I can use my laptop to look for work and maybe find work.

I heard so many homeless people tell me how they have lost such good friends, so of them have even said that these were friends from childhood, simply because they stayed far too long and it became a burden of the friendship. I don’t want for this to happen with Brian. I don’t want to put him in the position where he needs to ask me to leave.

He’s been great to even offer me a place to begin with. He’s taken me out to eat, made sure I have things and has encouraged me to continue with my blog, my photography and even my community work. This past month he has been pretty much the only person I have been able to talk with and tell things. He came to pick me up on when I needed o rescued from right before my birthday and he provided a place for me then. He called 911 the other night and did his best to calm me down before help arrived for me. He was the only person who came to visit me in the hospital or called to check on me without my asking. His friendship means the world to me and I don’t want my homelessness to end it.

I am thinking about what things I will take with me in the morning. I don’t want to try to pack a backpack that is both small and not able to hold much without falling apart. So I will wear most of the clothes I now own.

1 pair of pants (the second pair must go to the trash)

2 T-shirts that I will wear

2 pairs of shorts. (one I will wear under my pants)

6 pairs of socks (two I will wear to the rest in my backpack)

My cap that I wear most of the time. Ma made it for me

I am leaving items like my tapes from the Extreme Make Over for Homeless People here with Brain as well as some other things that I know will be safe here.

I will no be able to wash my clothes any longer, the missions don’t provide things like this. I will also not be able to shower if I don’t get a bed in one of the missions. I wont become the homeless person that everyone hates to see bathing in the restroom at the park or in the library.

I will try my best to keep a positive outlook on things. I will do my best not to go crazy, my best not to give up.

I need to get some sleep now, because I must be up at 5:00AM. I must be on the bus to Downtown LA no later then 6:00AM because I must be at the clinic by 8:45AM in order to get my prescriptions filled.

Please continue to pray for me and keep reading my blog, watching me videos and pulling for me. I promise I will do m best not give up and take care of myself.

This may sound very silly and foolish to many of you, but next month on February 3 will mark a year since I started my Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people project. I am planning to give out Do Something Kits to homeless people. I hope many of you who read my blog and follow my story will support me in this effort to make homeless people feel a little bit of love in the dark corner of this world. Email me for information on ways you can help. February will also mark a year that I will be homeless.

I am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish, the people I’ve been able to help, programs and outreaches I’ve been able to create. I am very proud of the fact that I haven’t let this homeless thing get the very best of me and I pray to God that it never will.

Be Blessed

Sicker then I thought I was

• Posted by Kengi on January 29, 2008 at 3:55pm

I was able to get my prescriptions from the free clinic. Now I just need to get some food to take them. I am pretty ticked off because I was told by several Dr’s that I didn’t have a Staph infection. While I was at Long Beach Memorial Hospital they too said it wasn’t Staph.

However today when I got to the free clinic I began to have chest pains again and I passed out. The rushed me to the hospital. After being there for the better part of the day I find out that I do have a Staph infection and I also now have a heart infection. This fucking sucks ass.

Since I am a cancer patient I should have never been prescribed what Long Beach Memorial gave to me. This only made my chest pain worse. This now explains why the pain in my chest never left. Since I wasn’t seen by a doctor there, so it doesn’t surprise me that the prescriptions are wrong. It does however piss me off.

I am at least glad that the staff at the free clinic had the brains and training to handle my situation and acted fast to prevent me from getting much sicker then I already am.

I am now looking for a place to get some food.

Union Rescue MIssion ~ the way home

• Posted by Kengi on January 31, 2008 at 11:16am

I took this picture the other night when I had to walk all night after not being able to get into the missions in downtown LA. Since I have no money, leaving and heading to one of the cold weather shelters in West LA wasn’t an option. So I walked all night long.

Yesterday things began to look up. I placed an ad online and on places where I blog asking for help for myself. Something I have never done, but now I feel I really have no choice, especially after how I’ve been treated by the Union Rescue Mission.

It’s just so hard for me to understand how the places that are supposed to be there for help and assistance cause just as much, if not more hurt, pain, frustration and despair then people who act as if homeless people need to be thrown out like bags of trash. I simply don’t see how people who call themselves “pastors” talk to homeless people like they are some kind of beast.

I am so pissed off right now, but I wont let places like the Union Rescue Mission cause me to not try to move on, or cause me to want to give up or even kill myself, even though I feel so humiliated for going to them for help in the first place.

I need to try to pull myself together because I am supposed to meet with someone that is going to try his best to help me. I don’t want to be depressed or appear to be ungrateful for his wanting to help. I also need to find a place where I can try to clean up, wash up and brush my teeth and things.

I know so many people get so upset when homeless people are forced into using public restrooms or library restrooms to try to get clean, but I will have to be one of those hated people today.

Many homeless people neer reach out to places like the Union Rescue Mission for fear of how they will be treated once they do. According to a study I read on how and why homeless people kill themselves, one of the top reason was how people who are supposed to help have treated them. WOW, the people in place causing so much harm that people have killed themselves. How very sad.

As I walked around i found it very funny ho City Hall wa all dressed up in red lights.

Off Day

• Posted by Kengi on January 31, 2008 at 1:48pm

There are days when I really feel like I wont be able to get past homelessness and today is one of those days.

I always try so hard to stay focused and keep my thoughts on things that matter and are important. However,Today I am having a very hard time with that. I still cant get over how I was treated by the Union Rescue Mission in Downtown LA. I went there for help. Believe me, SKID ROW is the last place I would ever want to be. The area is so depressed and the missions along with the city, police and even our local, state and national governments are doing NOTHING to even make a dent in this HUGE problem gripping ALL metropolitan cities. I would be surprised if there is a city in the United Stated that doesn’t have some sort of homeless population.

I was unable to have my chemo done today because my blood pressure is too high and I haven’t been taking the meds I’ve been given. I can’t take the meds because I am too busy running all over the place trying to get housing. I go from one line to another and there is no time to get in yet another line for food.

Maybe I can’t seem to get this off my mind because it is all part of my calling. Many of you know me and have worked with me and those who read my blog know just how much this entire homeless situation has just changed my life in so many ways. Not just because I am homeless either, but more so because people really need to know the truth as to what is being done and how people are being treated and most of all mistreated by places and people that are supposed to help.

I’ve been told my many people that homeless people are just lazy. Well that is wrong, it’s just like saying all black men are angry or in gangs. Like saying Mexico is the cause of our boarder problems. It’s just wrong. I am not lazy and I am looking for work DAILY. I have never turned down a job. I have walked from appointment to appointment, jumping through hoop after hoop doing all that is required of me by places like OPCC, the Union Rescue Mission and other places I have reached out to for help.

“Get here at 3:00” or “be in line by 6:00AM”

Homeless people spend much of their time going from place to place trying to satisfy the requirements of being in a shelter or on food stamps or trying to keep a roach, bed bug, staph infected, run down roof over their heads that there is no time for anything else.

For example, I stood in line for about two hours for two days before I was assigned a BED by Shuayb Hussein. The first ticket didn’t even have my name on it, Only my date of birth was correct. He had my identification in his hand, so there was no reason why my name should have been anything close to Carlos Ayaiah. When I noticed it was wrong he acted like he didn’t make the mistake. It then took him over 30 minutes to make the corrections. I asked him

“Is this a ticket for a BED or will I be on a cot down here on this floor?”

“No, you wont be in this floor. You will be upstairs.” He replied

“Are you sure because I can stay another place for tonight, but I have to let them know soon.”

“Mr. Charles, you have a bed upstairs” he assured me

“Charles isn’t my last name. It’s my middle name. Please stop address me by it.” I replied

He has no clue as to what he is doing. When I went to check in I was told to go upstairs, then sent back downstairs because I never had a BED. Now bed and COT mean the same thing to the people who at the mission. This might be because they don’t have to sleep on either of them. I say this because even after speaking with someone who said they were the supervisor of Hussein, he too said I had a BED. I had to get him to be clear.

“Do I have a bed or a COT? There is a difference” I asked

“You are on our bed list, but you aren’t on the roster for some reason” he replied

This made no since to me at all. How am I on the computer with a BED, but my name doesn’t appear on any list printed from the same computer where he said I was listed.

“Oh, your birthday is wrong. See we search by birthday.” He says

I had already told him that the only thing correct on my first was my birthday, it was correct on the second one as well. So right there I knew he too had no idea of what he was talking about.

“You do have a BED. Does bed 16 sounds familiar?” he asks. There is a picture of is screen of a person that isn’t me.

“Not only does it not sound familiar, that also isn’t me in the picture on your desktop” I replied

He looks to the right of his MONITOR to see if there is a picture on his DESK not his DESKTOP (MONITOR)

For fear of making him look stupid is say “Sir, the picture of your computer isn’t me”

“Oh, you were just here. I was just looking at you.” He says

From the time we walked into that area that same picture was there. There was never a picture of me. He then leaves to have a meeting of the minds with Hussein. He then comes back with another story, but still no bed.

He then tells me the BED TICKED issued to me was “bogus” in order for that to be true I would have had to either make the ticket myself or know someone on the inside too stupid to print a real bed ticket.

I was then printed another ticket just like the one I had the night before.

“So when I cant get in here tonight and I am accused of making tickets, what then do I do? You will be gone home?”

“Mr. Charles you need to have positive thoughts……” he started to say

“If you are going to address me, please do it correctly. With all due respect sir. You don’t seem to know what you’re doing. Not only have you given me the same ticket that Hassein gave me yesterday, the one you call bogus, you now tell me to think positive? How can I think positive about the fact that you and your staff have screwed up and now you give me the same screw up that you yourself call bogus?”

“Sir, I am trying to help you and you seem to be unhelped. Please don’t correct my English. We do all we can to help people. We see so many people here. We are going to make some mistakes…….”

He just made the very same STUPID, NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU’RE DOING MISTAKE as Hussein and I am supposed to be happy with this and “have positive thoughts”

I then am referred to Hayward Johnson, who first of all takes the time to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND the situation. He issued me a new ticket and even gave me a letter to give to the guard or staff at the door this evening. It still isn’t a bed but at least he tried the nest he could and didn’t treat me like I was bothering him or had asked him to correct something I had done wrong.

The slogan at the Union Rescue Mission is “the way home” if this is the help the homeless community can hope and have positive thoughts about from the Union Rescue Mission, then I know there will be far more homeless people there next week, next month and next year. Because they have no real help.

I will continue to speak up and speak out for people who some feel have no rights. I will continue to INSIST on being treated with RESPECT I will insist that people working in this field do the best job they can do at all times. Anything less isnt good enough. Furthermore, when you do thing in the name of CHRIST, then do it right. Christ didnt foget to go to Calvary or make a wrong turn on the way and later act like he didnt.

Do it right all the time and when you screw it up. Say your sorry and fix it. Dont add insult to injury.

Thanks

• Posted by Kengi on January 31, 2008 at 7:15pm

As many of you know I placed an ad on my blog as well as online. I did something I have never done before. That was asking for help for me.

This picture is of the items I received from a guy named PETE

This is the bus pass I received from SARAH and she even treated me to a great Chinese Lunch and a yummy Yogurt from Snow Ice.

I have received other emails from people expressing they too would like to help and I think this is just great. I am very careful to report what I have already received and what I need. I am happy and very thankful to everyone who has reached out to offer me assistance.

Meeting awesome people is always a treat

• Posted by Kengi on February 1, 2008 at 1:44pm

• 

  Earlier this week I placed an ad online asking for some help getting some things. Unlike before, this time I was asking for myself. As many of you know who have read my blog and been following my story, when I’ve asked for things in the past they have been for other homeless people and not for myself. However since I am in what is now becoming the roughest part since I’ve been homeless I have now asked for myself. However, since it still involves people caring, I am still counting it as part of my efforts to make things a little bit better for homeless people.

  This week I met Pete, who supplied me with a backpack and some other items. Please check out the video on my video page. Today I met yet another awesome person who was willing to help me. Her name is Kate and she was a real blessing to me today. I took a picture of the items she supplied and I have also shot a youtube video that I am uploading now.

  Kate, thanks so very much for helping me. It really means a lot to me. This week has been very rough and at times I have been very discouraged, so thanks very much for the items. They are more to me then just things I need. They represent the good that I still believe is in people, the kindness that I know is still out there, the compassion for humanity that I know everyone has the ability to express. You and your items have provided me with a huge encouragement and for this I am truly blessed.

  Thanks so much

  
  

  What’s for lunch?

  

  Slop!!! Slop that will send you right to the bathroom. I had no choice but to eat it because I really needed to take all of my meds today. The Union Rescue Mission is such a HUGE joke. I have seen some videos with the president of the mission talking about how much this place helps, and how many meals they serve. Take a good look at the pictures with this posting. That was the lunch they served today. The Egg Roll was tangy, the shrimp smelled very bad and also had a tang to it. Lucky for me I do have meds for my stomach as well, so in addition to all the other meds I am taking I had to take one of those pills as well in order to not get an upset stomach.

  The president was also on youtube talking about how safe is for people and how well people are treated there. Please take a minute to check out my youtube videos on just how well I have been treated by the staff at the Union Rescue Mission. He talked about all the drug use outside the mission, but never once made mention of the drug use that goes on right in the men’s and women’s courtyard and in the men’s courtyard bathroom.

  Their slogan is the way home “the way home” and I happen to think it is a major joke. I took pictures just out side the mission. You can see for yourself just how much work the Union Rescue Mission, Los Angeles Mission and the Midnight Mission are doing to help people.

  

  The president of the mission was very correct. This isnt a safe and it is just as bad inside the Union Rescue Mission as well. However inside the mission, you not only have to deal with some homeless people, but you also have to contend with the rude and sometimes violent staff and volunteers at the Union Rescue Mission

  The mission gets millions in donations per year from all over the place, yet they do very little to really address the needs of the HUGE homeless population on skid row.

  
  

  Hard Times

  • Posted by Kengi on February 5, 2008 at 6:08pm
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  The hardest times for me about being homeless are the times when I feel so all alone. When I don’t have anyone to talk to or anyone I can go to for advice. No one to ask if I could borrow a buck for a could at least get myself a Jumbo Jack. There are also time when I have job interviews and I am unable to store my backpack that has all my belongings in it. The last thing you want to do is sow up some place with all the stuff that you own in it. It just doesn’t look good.

  But what else can homeless people do? The missions do not allow you to store you things while you look for work. Unless you are in one of their “programs” I think this is very unfair, because in a way it sort of rewards a person for having a drug or alcohol problem by providing them with a place to store their things and allows them to come and go as they please. For homeless people like me who do not have a drug or alcohol problem, we simply need a bed and a place to sleep and store our things. We must take all our belongings with us when we leave the mission at 5:00AM.

  For me this has been even harder because I could never get a bed in the mission and then when I was issued one, the staff person who issued it did it wrong and then acted like I was the one who was at fault. I was told there was nothing they could do. I just don’t get how a place like a mission can make a HUGE mistake like this and then turn about and claim that there is “nothing” they can do to correct the problem that they created.

  So for a little over a week I slept outdoors until the night before last when my friend Brain said I could come back to his place. This was very cool, but by this time I had already started fighting a cold and my infections were getting any better as well. Today I placed on new medications for the infections and told that I really need to get bed rest. It’s funny how places don’t seem to hear you when you tell them you’re “HOMELESS” unless you tell them this when it is time to pay. That seems to be the only time they here the word “homeless”

  Super Tuesday?

  • Posted by Kengi on February 5, 2008 at 8:01pm
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  So it’s Super Tuesday and there has been all this talk about how very important this race for the White House is. How this Super Tuesday will change the face of our political system. There has also been plenty of talk from each of the candidates on how they will work to bring troops home, end the war, make health care affordable and all this.

  So which candidate speaks to me or people like me? People who are homeless and doing all they can to turn things around. Or for people who are about to become homeless. Which candidate is talking about making things better for the poor? You hear plenty of them talking to the middle class, but none of them say a word about homelessness or poor people.

  I am in my fifth battle with cancer and I am also in a never ending battle with Sickle Cell. I’ve been homeless for over a year now and I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. What I do see and what I feel like is that I am getting deeper and deeper into a hole that I can’t climb out of. So to be very honest, none of the candidates on either said are speaking to me. When I really take a good hard look at it, they never have. Even when I was working and living the good life.

  There are about 90 thousand homeless people here in LA County alone. Many people now refer to LA as the Homeless Capital of the world. Not even our local leadership does much of anything to correct this problem, so I for one only see this problem of homelessness getting bigger and far worse. Simply because people don’t care.

  Super Tuesday. What’s so damn super about it?

  PATH isnt the answer either

  • Posted by Kengi on February 6, 2008 at 2:38pm
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  Today while doing job searches I took a break and read some of the blogs that I know homeless people from all over the country have online. There are always some pretty cool things to read and it’s nice to see people making headway through their homelessness.

  When I went to read the blog of Joel Roberts the President and CEO of PATH (People Assisting The Homeless) I was shocked by a comment he made in regards to Brittney Spears. According to his blog “You’re better off being homeless, than being me!“

  was a comment Ms Spears made to paparazzi. I don’t know if this comment was true or not, but here was the reply that Joel posted to his blog on LA’s Homeless

  “Hmmmmmm… let’s see… a multi-million dollar Pop Star with mansions all over the place… or… homeless. Which is better?

  Clearly, this girl is on crack or something.”

  I feel this comment was insensitive, childish and ignorant. Ms. Spears is clearly a young lady who is going through some really rough times in her life and she is clearly in need of some help of some kind.

  Mr. Roberts must some how think that fame and money makes everything all better. Take a close look at most people with fame and money and you will see some pretty unhappy people. Furthermore to makes jokes about her being on crack is just childish and uncalled for. However this doesn’t surprise me. Many of the staff at PATH treats homeless people with the same disrespect as Joel Roberts did towards Ms Spears. Both are wrong and have no place in any work place.

  I know of at least 20 homeless people who have left PATH after being treated unfairly by staff and workers in their locations. I myself have had a bad impression of staff when I too went to them for help.

  “There is no way you are homeless and don’t have a drug or drinking problem…..” is what Lisa in the West LA office told me.

  PATH is no better at helping homeless people through this very difficult time and in many ways just like all the other places PATH too is filled with people who just do not care about homeless people.

  • 
    

  • Are Libraries becoming shelters?

    • Posted by Kengi on February 7, 2008 at 3:51pm
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    I’ve written about this before on my blog that was once on Tribe. Hollywood is now getting on the band wagon with Emilio Estevez producing a movie about this very thing called “The Public” The story takes place during the two coldest days of the year in Los Angeles, when the library is overwhelmed by people seeking shelter. After the library administration rebuffs one librarian’s attempts to keep the doors open, he stages an act of civil disobedience. He ends up dealing with the library’s new inhabitants, many of them mentally ill.

    This is just what homeless people needs, another movie making them out to be out of control crazy people.

    With the huge problem here in Los Angeles Country of lack of shelter beds and places offering real solutions to the homeless crisis facing
    this city and in fact our nation, it’s no wonder that many homeless people are seeking shelter from places like public libraries. Inside a library there is shelter from the cold, rain and harm. They can read and use the internet as well as use the restroom.

    This makes perfect sense for a community that has no other place to turn. What many people don’t know or don’t care to know is the fact that places like missions and cold weather shelters do not allow people to sit. They are turned out into the streets between 5:00AM-5:30AM. Homeless people then wonder trying not to offend people or get into trouble with the police. Libraries then become a welcoming place once they open at 10:00AM.

    

    Many cities around the nation are passing laws that will limit and in some cases prevent homeless people from entering a public library. I would think communities would be looking for ways to prevent homelessness in the first and also find ways to help their current homeless residence, rather then finding was to make homelessness against the law.

    I am homeless and there have been times I had no other choice but to use the public restroom at the park, library and mall in order to change my clothes, wash my face, brush my teeth and to try to get ready for my day. Many places have membership rules for using their showers.

    Until people stop thinking that all homeless people are crazy, on drugs or drunks, nothing will change. Until places like the Union Rescue Mission, Los Angeles Mission, The Midnight Mission or other places like PATH, OPCC, Saint Joseph Center do all they can to really make changes in the huge homeless problem facing Los Angeles, then the amount of homeless people will continue to grow.

    Each night there is an estimated 88-98 thousand homeless people in Los Angeles. It is considered the homeless capital of the nation. Los Angeles stands as one of the most powerful and wealthiest counties in this country, but they do nothing to control, repair and address the huge homeless problem now facing its county.

    

    So where do people like me turn, when showers at places like OPCC are for “members only” or places like the missions offer showers at hours when homeless people like me are looking for work or out interviewing for jobs?

    Grand Opening of BCAM (Broad Contemporary Art Museum) in Los Angeles was awesome. I got to spen…

    • Posted by Kengi on February 17, 2008 at 2:23pm
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    Grand Opening of BCAM (Broad Contemporary Art Museum) in Los Angeles was awesome. I got to spend the day with my friend Brian going to the opening and it was such an awesome site to take in.

    BCAM is located right next to LACMA and is the first phase of the expansion project. The next will be the opening of the children’s art museum in the old May Company building on Wilshire. I cant wait to see what this will feature.

    Last week Brian and I went to take pictures of the old Los Angeles Street Lights that are out in front of the new museum. They are awesome at night. What may come as a surprise to many people is the fact that many of these street lights are still in working order on the street of Downtown Los Angeles and even right near the museum along Wilshire Boulevard. Although the city isn’t very good at the upkeep of the old street lights as they should be. Many of them are broken and in need of repair. However the collection outside the museum are amazing.

    The museum is awesome and really has this “Grand Entrance” You really cant tell from my pictures, but it is truly a cool way to enter this great place. Inside the your find all sorts of awesome art. I really enjoyed the HUGE table and chairs located in one area. The table is so HUGE that you walk under it. A very cool site.

    There is art that features Michael Jackson and Bubbles the Monkey, huge balloon art, Andy Warhol and other noted artist. Another cool area that I really enjoyed was the area where this silver train is located. I love trains, so this was a real treat for me.

    Getting from floor to floor inside the museum is very cool. There is this HUGE glass elevator that moves you from one floor to the next. It’s see through the entire time, so as you arrive on the next level you can see the people standing outside the huge glass doors.

    If you are in the Los Angeles area you should be sure to check out this very cool museum and also take in the sites from the other collections of museums in the park as well. The La Brea Tar Pits is always a cool treat for young and old people alike.

    Drop in Centers. Do they really help?

    • Posted by Kengi on February 19, 2008 at 1:25pm
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    People have asked the question.

    “What if there were places homeless people could go to to get the support they need. This would ease the load of places like shelters, missions and of course the public library”

    Well these places do exist. They are called “access” or “drop in centers” Like OPCC in Santa Monica

    According to the website of the OPCC

    Ocean Park Community Center

    The largest and most comprehensive provider of services on the Westside of Los Angeles to low income and homeless youth, adults and families, battered women and their children, and people living with mental illness.

    OPCC provides services, and also provides housing, with 227 emergency and transitional beds in six facilities and over 150 individuals living in apartments throughout the region with vouchers obtained by OPCC. Services are provided to 8,000 people annually.

    

    Sounds pretty amazing right? Well this is what they want people who donate to think. I have been going to the OPCC for about a year now. I have never been able to get a voucher or bed in any of the places they claim. I’ve never been able to get clothes from the OPCC, mail, job assistance, phone messages, shower or anything vital to my survial. I have been able to get meals from the OPCC. Meals that have were spoiled and way past expiration dates. You might ask how could this be. Well this is how. Meals in shelters, missions and drop in center, just like meals in school lunch programs are no regulated by the board of health. So they can serve pretty much what they wish. After all “homeless” people are eating these meals, so who cares?

    If you take a minute to look at my network here on ning www.projectkengikat.com you will find a video with with Wendy who was homeless at the time I shot the video talking about how the OPCC has offered no support to her and Brian while they have been homeless. they talk about the clothing closet never being open and not being able to get things like messages or make phone calls. These are all the things the OPCC says they offfer to homeless people free of charge everyday.

    In my case, it was over two weeks before I was able to even get a shower when I became homeless. I was given this shower by someone who responded to my posting on craigslist asking for a hot shower and a place to wash my clothes.

    Then there is Saint Joseph Center now located in Santa Monica after being forced out of the location in Venice by developers who wanted the land to build lofts.

    acoording to their website

    St. Joseph Center’s Homeless Service Center has provided a compassionate response to the needs of homeless individuals and families in Venice, Santa Monica and other West Los Angeles communities since 1981. It is the hub of the Center’s efforts to help people get off the street into a safer and healthier environment.

    Homeless Service Center starts by providing basic services. Here, homeless men and women can make a reservation to eat at Bread and Roses Café, do a load of laundry, take a shower and have access to phone and mail service. Through meetings with our staff, they can also be connected with emergency shelter, medical care, and mental health and substance abuse treatment. They can also receive help with transportation and advocacy to apply for government benefits.

    Homeless individuals who are ready to make long-term change may enroll in case management. Service plans developed jointly by the individual and the case manager assess each person’s strengths and needs and lay out a pathway to long-term stability and increased self-sufficiency by addressing issues such as permanent housing, job training, employment and ongoing treatment.

    With compassion, care and attention to the individual needs of each person, homeless individuals are helped to move toward greater health, safety and stability.

    Another awesome place that makes HUGE statments about the help they provide tot he homeless community. What they wont tell you is how people must be “members” in order to get certain services. If you wish to take a shower you must be in line and sign up no later then 7:00AM for a shower the following day. Washing your clothes is also something they say they provide to homeless people, along with mail service, messages, computer access and a ton of other services.

    I have been going to Saint Jospeh’s center for a year now and I have gotten nothing other then a meal from their bread and roses cafe. many homeless people say they are treated like animals and low lifes. many say the guards treat them like they are in jail or prision and many more have said that the guards have removed them frm line at bread and roses cafe and refused to let them eat.

    Last year when I begged to take a showe there when the 1:00PM person didnt show up I was told by the guard.

    “I cant let you have that slot. You must sign up for a shower tomorrow to get a shower the next day.”

    “I have a job interview and I really need to take a shower before I go. Please, the person is over 20 minutes late for the 1:00PM shower spot.” I pleaded

    “Man, i said no and that’s the end of this little dumbass talk. get you fuckin ass up in the morning and get in line to sign up for a shower. Ya’ll act like you have so much shit to do. Hell taking a shower here aint your right so dont act like it.” he yelled.

    So much for the compassion that they say they offer to homeless people.

    Until people take maming money out of helping homeless people and start doing it because it is the right thing to do, only then will places like these work.

    I am first to say that not all homeless people are like me. Not all are nice. in fact some of them are downright mean and nasty. However, places that are funded by the federal government and from the public shoudnt have the rght to refuse things like meals, showers, clothes and other services simply because they have been yelled at cursed out by and treated badly by a very small percent of the homeless population.

    I’ve been doing my Do Something Saturday~that empowers people outreach project for over a year now. I have never once spoken to or treated a homeless person with nothing less then dignity and respect. no matter how I have been spoken to. I have also never refused any homeless person anything. If I had it to give it was givien and in many cases i have given the clothes off my back, socks and shoes off my feet, food out of my hand to help a homeless person who had less then I. I do this not becaue i think I am so much better or that I am some saint. No, not at all. I do this because I know it is the right thing to do. PERIOD

    

    Regardless of how I feel about a person, I have been raised and taught not to judge anyone. unless i want to be judged. I’ve always tried to do my best to help homeless people or people who have less. This isnt something I just started doing since I became homeless.

    It’s very easy for people to sit and make excuses as to why they refuse to help homeless people. It;s easy to sit and make judgments about a person we know nothing about. it is much harder for a person to stand up and offer help to someone without conditions, without judgments, disrespect or ego. But is is very possible to do this. All one has to do is think of how they would feel if they were that homeless person. All one has to do is think of how they would want to be treated and spoken to if they were homeless.

    Yes, there are plenty of places in this country acting like they offer help and support to homeless people. But there are 254,000 men women and children facing homelessness each each year in this country and between 90 to 98 thousand here in Los Angeles on any given night face homelessness. I think these numbers are far greater then this simply because so many homeless people dont turn to places like missions, shelters and drop in centers fro support. I’ve counted at least 150 women who say they have never gone to such places because they arent safe and I have met at least 300 people who sleep in their cars or surf at friends places rather then go to such places for support and to feel the hurt, shame and disrespect from people who think they are better then then imply because homelessness hasnt touched them yet.

    

    If each and every one of us would make a effort to reach out to a homeless person with compassion and love and in the spirit of humanity the same way we rush off to such places as Africa, China and others places to adopt children, send support, build houses and schools then homelessness in this country would be unheard of. But it is easy for us to simply make excuses about the HUGE homeless problem right here in this country or find reasons why we wont help a homeless person. So the problem gets worse.

    I am sure places like OPCC and others do provide some help to homeless people. I am sure they can belt off a huge list of people they hae helped. All I am saying is this. If they are really doing all tey can do to help people. if they are really working hard everyday to find ways to correct this huge problem facing our nation, then way are the numbers growing? Why are homeless people killing themselves? Why are places like missions refusing to allow people to sleep after they have been issued bed tickets? Why do so many homeless people like me feel they are alone on this battle?

    For every reson anyone has for not helping, I have a reason why they are wrong. i dont know what I know about places like OPCC and the others from reading or from assuming things. I know this because I am homeless and i have experiecned it. I have been in fist fights with staff in shelters and drop in centers over things like my laptop and digital camera. I have been sick from eating fod that isnt fit for humans. I have been tunred away plenty of times from places who have told me to come and get help from them. I have had my facce spit in by people who think I am a bum. I have been kicked and had things thrown at me while I am sleeping, I have had to walk all night because it is against the law to sleep on the beach or in a public park. I have been discharged to the street with chest pains and coughing blood. I have been turned down for jobs siply because I have no current residence, I have missed interviews because I never given messages from places like OPCC and Saint Joseph Center.

    I will continue to be a voice for hoemless rights, low income families and seniors. I will continue to move toward a place where people will not have to make a choice between paying meical bills or rent, a time when people will simply help because it is the right thing to do regardless of how a person became homeless. I will continue to seek people who care about others with no conditions because I know they are out there.

    

    Chemo Therapy put on hold again

    • Posted by Kengi on February 19, 2008 at 4:16pm
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    I have Kidney Cancer and so many other things wrong with my body. I am also have Sickle Cell. Recently I had a staph infection (check out my youtube channel to see my videos on my staff infection and everything esle I am dealing with and doing while I am homeless www.youtube.com/kengikat)

    Since before my trip to the ER and then having to spend time at Long beach Memorial Hospital I have been coughing blood. While I was in the hospital there was blood in my urine and in my stool. This was never addressed by the staff at the hospital. I was released and told nothing was wrong.

    

    Today once again my Chemo is placed on hold until I am well enough for the treatment.

    Not long ago I had to change my team of Dr’s because the Dr’s I was seeing at UCLA said there was nothing more they could do for my cancer. I think they only said this because I began to really question how they were treating me as a person and how they were treating the cancer in general. Since I am homeless I have no right to question people like Dr’s who are way smarter then I am. Shortly after I began to question them and make complaints as to who I was being treated I was told there was nothing mor ethey could do for me.

    I now have a team of Dr’s at USC and they are awesome, but there have been times when i have been unable to have my treatments because I have had colds, the staph infection, un able to get to USC for the treatments and now because I am bleeding and no one seems to know from where or how to even make it stop.

    Over the weekend the blood i was coughing up became so bad at times that I would wake up from choking on it. I also have been going to tha bathroom thinking I had a bowel movement only to discover that huge chunks of blood clots were in the toilet.

    I went to the ER like my cancer team told me to and again I was told nothing was wrong.

    It’s times like this when i feel so helpless, so alone and so afraid. it’s times like this when think I am better off dead. Better off just giving up. It’s times like this I do most of my crying. It’s times like this when I feel angry, left out, left behind. I feel like lashing out. I feel like sending a letter to a county supervisor or to a senator, but what for? They dont give a rats ass about me.

    

    I dont know what is down the road for me. but i wont give up and I wont let cancer or homelessness force me to give up. I am stronger then both cancer, sickle cell and homelessness and I know I will get through this with or without the medical attention that I deserv and I pay for. But I am feeling rather alone right now and no amount of kind words from people or messages about how people are thinking of me and wishing me well will change this. I am very sick and because I am homeless I get medical care that isnt fit for a dead animal. But this is only making me that much stronger and that much more willing to stand up and fight for people just like me.

    My Liver is sick

    • Posted by Kengi on February 20, 2008 at 8:13pm
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    I got some pretty bad news from my Dr’s today.

    “You’re liver is failing” is what one Dr said.

    I’ve been coughing blood and blood is also in my urine and my stool. It’s been this way since before I went to Long Beach Memorial Hospital where I spent four days. There isnt anything the Dr’s can do for it at this time. They are hoping it will heal itself. They have put me on the list for a liver transplant, but my Sickle Cell will make this a tough task.

    For now all my cancer treatments are on hold and they are hoping this wont allow the cancer to spread faster then it already has. This is my 5th and toughest fight with cancer yet, but I wont let it beat me. I am way stronger and so much tougher then cancer.

    “What are you going to do?” someone ask me today

    Just what I’ve always done. “LIVE.” I will dive deeper into my work and efforts to improv conditions for homeless people and I will also push harder for better medical treatment for people who do not have health care. I have Blue Cross and they have been awesome in getting me the care I need. When Dr’s at UCLA told me they coud no longer fight the cancer after I questioned them about the way they were treating me cancer, Blue Cross jumped right in and joined me in the questioning of how I was being treated.

    I now have an awesome team of Dr’s from USC and Stanford and two outstanding Sickle Cell Specialists.

    I am just outside my Dr’s office right now here in Santa Monica. It’s UGLY out today. it’s been raining off on on all day. I think I will go take some pictures and find soemone I can give these new pairs of sicks to.

    What does homelessness look like?

    • Posted by Kengi on February 20, 2008 at 8:32pm
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    “How can you be homeless and have a laptop? I mean where do you plug it in?”

    This was the question someone asked me tonight as I was waiting here at the Santa Monica Library. The person was looking over my shoulder while I was searching for shelters numbers for a place that might still have a bed (cot) open tonight.

    “Excuse me?” I asked

    “I don’t mean to sound rude or anything like this, but you don’t look homeless. Plus you have a laptop, cell phone and is that a digital camera? There is no way you could be homeless.” he replied.

    “Well I am homeless and you don’t sound rude, just ignorant like most people when it comes to the issue of homelessness. I mean what makes you think that just because a person is homeless they shouldn’t have a laptop? Maybe they had such things before they became homeless.” I said.

    “Yeah, but why don’t you pawn them and get a room for the night? I mean at least this way you could get some rest for a few days.”

    “I’m sorry but what planet are you from? What city do you live in?” I ask.

    “I’m sorry to have upset you. I just find it hard to believe that someone like you is homeless. Have a nice night.”

    So many times I am told that I don’t look homeless. I guess most Americans still think homeless people are filthy and smell to the high heavens. I guess most Americans still think that only drug users, drunks, people with mental illness and criminals are homeless. If you are one of these people then you are dead wrong.

    The face of homelessness has changed and is changing each and every day here in this country and around the world. Until we start to realize this our country will always be filled with ignorant people just like the person I encountered tonight.

    Getting depressed.

    • Posted by Kengi on February 28, 2008 at 6:07pm
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    I haven’t been on in a while because I haven’t been feeling all that great and to be very honest I am very worried about my health and what is taking place with my body and all. Last week I was told that my liver is failing and since then I really haven’t felt like doing much of anything.

    I know I must be really getting on the nerves of my friend Brian because I have these really bad mood swings where I find myself crying and then not wanting to open my eyes. I am in lots of pain from my Sickle Cell. Sometimes this pain is so great that I feel like my entire body is just tearing wide open.

    I wont have use of the laptop for much longer so my blog and podcast will come to a standstill. I will have to delete all my pictures that I have taken over the past 5 months and maybe start over again once I am able to find a job and get a new laptop.

    The cool thing is that this weekend I am celebrating the one year birthday of the foundation and outreach program that I started to help people who are homeless just like me. I am meeting some friends and other people in Downtown LA to pass out Do Something Kits to homeless people in that area.

    So I am asking all of my online and real life friends to please keep me in your prayers.

    I’ve posted new pictures from the night I had to remain outside from not having a place to sleep.

    UNION RESCUE MISSION

    • Posted by Kengi on February 28, 2008 at 6:22pm
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    Many of you know because I blogged it here on my blog. I also have a video of it on my youtube channel. I got an email from the CEO and President of the Union Rescue Mission. He said he wanted to meet with me to discuss the “reported” treatment from the staff there.

    I sent Mr. Bales an email in reply and told him I would contact him when I was able to meet with him. I contacted him and asked if i could have it as part of my podcast. He turned me down for the podcast, but expressed that he would still like to meet with me and that someone would be in touch to set this up. Furthermore, he expressed that the mission would like o donate items for my outreach.

    I don’t think I will ever get the chance to meet with Mr. Bales because I don’t think he cares, nor do I feel he has any interest in making things there at the Union Rescue Mission better for anyone other then people who collect the big fat paychecks.

    Would you eat this?

    

    Well this was a meal served by the Union Rescue Mission (URM) I have no idea what it was, but after one bite, I knew it would be safer for me to eat from a garbage can in back on some restaurant then to eat the spoiled slop that is served by the URM.

    What really hurts and troubles me the most is that of this is done by an organization that says Christ told them to do it this way. I have a huge problem with place and people who do things half assed then say this is what Christ would do or has told them to do.

Blogs from 2007

// April 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Welcome Everyone

• Posted by Kengi on April 18, 2007 at 5:20pm

Hey everyone and welcome to my new blog spot for Do Something Saturday~that empowers people. I hope you enjoy the new home and I hope you join this blog and post you photos and talk about your experiences with Do Something Saturday~that empowers people.

Let me just tell you that this has been an amazing experience and learning process for me and I am so gald that I have met some many awesome people like you while I am on this amazing adventure to help offer support to homeless people.

KICK START the mixer SUNDAY APRIL 29th from 1~9PM

The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation~Do Something Saturday~ is teaming up with the Peace Through Touch Foundation for a fundraising mixer. Sunday, April 29th from 1~9PM at the Village in Santa Monica, located at 149 Bay Street, Santa Monica, California, 90405. The cost is $25 per person and $5 drinks. There is a free buffet provided by Justus Catering. Our entertainment will include vocalist Amae and dance troupe Evaluna. Our DJ’s for the event will be .NICK.the.NECK., Dave Sweeten, Ruff Hauser and Stephan, Shee and Jupit3r. There will be a silent auction with art work from a homeless woman here in Santa Monica, as well as art from Gina Bernardini, Krystal~Bells~the~clown and others.
Since February 3, 2007 Kengi and the Do Something Saturday~that empowers people have helped to provide clean clothes, toiletry items, support services, nutritious meals, sleeping bags, blankets, bus passes, airline tickets, bus tickets, job assistance, computer skills, laundry services, haircuts, transportation and many other valuable services to homeless people here in the Santa Monica and Venice areas. In addition to the outstanding array of services provided to homeless people the Leon and Mary Fields Foundation also sponsored over 100 low income/at risk kids with Easter Baskets through donations from some very generous people. The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation has also provided over 40 meals to seniors citizens. Next week the foundation will begin teaching a free computer skills class at the Vera Davis Center in Venice.
Your contributions to the Leon and Mary Fields Foundation have been a huge blessing to the communities we serve and we are thankful to you for them. In order for us to continue this work we are asking for your support once again. However this time, we are asking you to attend our mixer and have a great time. Meet some great people who have worked very hard to make my foundation and Do Something Saturday~that empowers people a complete success. With so many programs closing or just missing the mark my foundation strives to bridge the gap. This is a very big gap and it requires a lot of work.

Do Something Saturday goes INTERNATIONAL~Germany

YES thats right. Do Something Saturday~that empowers people now has an international connection. THAT’S RIGHT!!! Michael in Germany has been reading my blog and believes in me and my project so much that is caught the DO SOMETHING SATURDAY fever right there in GERMANY!!!. Michael not only offered to make me some shirts with a spin off of the foundations current logo, he also has registered and domain and has already put up the first page to web site www.dosomethingsaturday.com
He will be here in the states later this month and we will work to get things all settled for the foundations presence on the world wide web.

The T-shirts are very cool and look great and will even have the foundation name and new web address along with phone number. I will be able to pass these T-shirts out to people. So the foundation and Do Something Saturday will be on the chest and backs or people right here in LA and GERMANY.

How great is this?

Donation requests

• Posted by Kengi on May 7, 2007 at 9:11pm

• 

  Hello everyone.

  As many of you know I have an outreach to I try to do everyday to support homeless poople. I am always in need of the floowing items. If you would like to help me in this effort then please let me know.

  I am making request for the following items

  New Socks
  Bottle Water
  Power Bars/Cliff Bars or Granola Bars
  Deordorant mens and womens
  Tooth Brushes
  Tooth Paste
  Face clothes
  Bar Soap
  Shampoo and conditioner
  Hand lotion
  Razors
  Shaving cream
  Beanies
  Large Zip lock baggies

  These items can all be purchased at the 99 cent store or in the 99 cent area of Target.

  The picture is what the “Do Something Saturday~that empowers people” bags look like

  I passed out the last of the supplies I have. I know have only water left. I will pass them out tomorrow morning. If you would like to donate, then please get in touch with me either through tribe or by email at kengikat@gmail.com

  You may also make a donation through paypal using the email address kengikat@gmail.com or you can also go to our store to purchase Do Something Saturday gear at www.cafepress.com/kengikat

  Thanks for your continued support

Donations for Angel

• Posted by Kengi on May 9, 2007 at 8:32pm

  

  Tonight I had the chance to do some awesome things. The first was for Angel. I met Angel back in February while I stayed in the cold weather shelter here in West LA. She is a very sweet lady who has just had some really bad luck. She has been registered with both OPCC and St Joseph’s Center for well over a year now. They both tell her that she is still on the waiting list for SAMOSHEL. This is just so funny to me because there are people at SAMOSHEL who aren’t looking for work and aren’t doing anything to make things better for themselves, but they are the ones who get placed.

  Last week Angel was able to stay in hotel room with one of her friends. She said it was so nice to be off the street and take a shower and get some rest in a real bed. She called me about a week ago just as I was planning the Do Something Saturday outreach. She told me that the last blankets I purchased for her and the pillows were taken by the Santa Monica Police. That’s not surprising to me because they take these kinds of things from homeless people all the time. In fact I have seen Santa Monica Police officers pouring out water bottles that belong to homeless people. I have also seen them take items like blankets and other sleeping items as well as aluminum cans from homeless people. This is so sick to me. How does one feel good about themselves by taking things like sleeping bags, blankets and pouring out water bottles from homeless people?

  Anyway, so I called emailed David her request. Since he had told me he was going to store to pick some items up and asked what I needed, I told him the request that Angel had. She asked for two bras and a pair of jeans. David purchased these items and today I purchased her a hand towel, face towel and bath towel. I also picked her up some ladies personal items. I know she likes nice smelling lotions. I went to bath and body works and get her a few lotions. Hey they were on sale so I could get her a few instead of just the one. The sleeping was donated by Gabi.

  When she called this evening and told me where she would be sleeping I was really afraid for her, but she assured me she would be safe and I shouldn’t worry about her. I talked with her for a bit and we shared some laughs and she told me how things were going for her. She says she’s been putting in applications at all the fast food places, but no one has called her back. She seems to think that this is because she uses the OPCC as a mailing address.

  I walked with her to Jack in the Box and got her a como meal and got a gift card fro her so she could purchase breakfast in the morning. She said thanks and smiled the sweet smile she always smiles and I said goodnight to her. She asked me to thank everyone who had donated the items to help her.

  So Gabi~sleeping bag, Samantha~deodorant, David~bras and jeans and well I don’t need to call me own name…..LOL Angel says

  “Thanks for everything and God Bless you guys for helping me”

  Be Blessed, Be Ready!!!

While Washing my brothers car…..

• Posted by Kengi on May 9, 2007 at 10:00pm

  

  
  

  
  

  Wendy and Brain making awesome strides towards success

  • Posted by Kengi on May 10, 2007 at 3:46pm

• 

  Wendy and Brain are really making an honest effort and putting in some hard work to make this work for them. Today Brain was able to work with my sister’s foundation as a volunteer. He unloaded trucks and help set up for food distribution. He was also able to get on the computer today along with Wendy to do Job searches and send out their resume. Since Brain volunteered today he was able to get some food for the two of them.

  One thing that is really sticking out to me is this. They both are trying very hard to find work and they both have a great attitude despite all the things that are in front of them.

  MATERNITY CLOTHES FOR WENDY

  I was able to speak with two friends today and I asked them if they would donate items for Wendy. They both said they would love to do so. Wendy is about 5 or 6 months pregnant and is in need of Maternity clothes. So if anyone has any Maternity clothes please get in touch with me ASAP.

  
  

  WOW, what a week!!!

  • Posted by Kengi on May 17, 2007 at 3:22pm

• 

  Ok so this week has been very busy. Wendy and Brain are making such huge changes in their live and I am so very proud of the both of them for sticking to it and doing the working it takes to bring about change for them. Brian has a trial run at a café that my friend owns and he did a great job. He is now employed two days a week now.

  I was able to secure clothes for both him and Wendy from donation from Nancy and Sheryl and a generous donation from a friend right here on my ning list of friends. This person also donated a brand new backpack and at least 30 Do Something Kits for the Do Something Saturday`that empowers people event to take place this weekend at Santa Monica Beach. We are meeting in the parking lot just sourth of Ocean Park Boulevard at 9:45AM. The event will start at 10:00AM

  The other great news for this week was the fact that I was also able to secure work for both Wendy and Brian for at least a month. This is really cool, because the work is going to be prepaid and this will allow them to secure a temp place. The place they are in now is ending next week.

  As many of you know Wendy is pregnant and was in need of maternity clothes. Two very kind women ~Nancy and Sherly~came forward with donations for her. Today another woman~Rita~ also came forward with clothes for Wendy.

  Right now my goal is to keep them on the right track and keep them on the right track and put them in front of people who truly want to help them. Sometimes people do things with hidden agendas and when they see that their agenda won’t work as long as I am around, then they offers to help change.

  I have secured a place where I can continue to do my work for my foundation for free. Instead of paying someone $3000 and not really know what the future of the location is. With the new location I am able to work and meet with people and take in donations. This is awesome and for me makes my work so much easier.

  I’ve learned a lot about people who sat such things like “integrity” and what they really are saying is that I will try to use you up until I can get anything else from you. Once they’ve done this they spit you out. I have learned that what I do is best. They way I do it is best. I have learned that people will try to jump on my skirt tails and get all they can for them and not have any intentions of helping homeless people. This is fine, what goes around comes around and if this some how makes this person feel good about themselves then more power to them.

  My focus is and will always continue to be to help homeless people. I will not longer allow people to dangle things like living inside in front of them only to have them remove it when it is no longer a benefit to them.

  In close I am so happy with the progress Wendy and Brain have made and I am so happy for all the love of support people have shown them.

  God Bless you all for helping me help them.

  
  

  It’s a baby girl!!!!!!

  • Posted by Kengi on June 1, 2007 at 11:34am

• Last night I had the chance to go by and see Wendy and Brian. As soon as I walked in the yard Wendy told me to follow her. She had something she wanted me to see.

  “Don’t say anything Brian, we wont to see if he can guess” she said as she walked toward their new place.

  “I won’t say nothing. Kengi man I am so happy.” Brian says

  Wendy goes inside their new place and comes out with a little ultra sound paper. “Can you guess what it is?” She has this huge smile on her face.

  Well I look at the paper and I take a wild guess. “Is it s boy?” I ask.

  “Nope, it’s a girl” They both announce.

  Wendy and Brian are having a baby girl. I can’t tell you of just how happy I am for the two of them. They now have a place to live that is quiet and safe. Brian is no working full time and things are just falling into place for them.

  They took me inside their place and showed me all the work they have been doing. My friend Lois and Vicki have allowed them to live and rent a motor home that is in their back yard in Venice. They have a sleeping area, bathroom, kitchen and sitting area. Brian has been hard at work making sure the place is safe and sound for the two of them and their soon to be born baby girl. In addition to having a place to live I have also made arrangements for them to have transportation as well. Wendy and Brian have the use of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. This again thanks to my friends Lois and Vicki.

  So in honor of all their hard work and determination to turn things around, I am throwing them a Baby Shower/House Warming Back Yard BBQ fundraiser on Saturday June 16^th at 12:00PM until 3:00PM. The donation for the event will be $10

  Wendy and Brian have nothing pretty much. So they need everything from socks and underwear and clothes for them to items for their unborn baby girl. They need things for their small little home as well. I hope you all will join me in helping me celebrate the accomplishments of these two very deserving people.

  The news for the two of them gets even better. Brian’s mother is coming to town this weekend to meet me and to see where they are living. Brian told me last night that his mother is very happy for them and really wants to meet me because I have stood by them and made certain that they are well.

  It felt so good to see the looks in their eyes and the tears of JOY that came from both their eyes. “Kengi, we couldn’t have done this without you. You believed in us when no one would. You kept pushing us and making us believe in ourselves.” Wendy said as she gave me a hung.

  “Yeah man, we owe to you. Thanks so much Kengi. You promised us you would walk with us every step of the way and you did. You didn’t make us any fake promises or nothing. You just helped us and we love you for this.” Brian said.

  Please make plans to join me as I celebrate two people who are simply AWESOME. Join me as I help them celebrate their accomplishments and all their hard work. Join me in making this a day that will empower them to even higher heights and greater things. I will post a wish list for Brian and Wendy later.

  Be Blessed, Be Ready!!!!!

  
  

  The People I help are AWESOME

  • Posted by Kengi on June 13, 2007 at 11:36am

• 

  This morning was simply a great day to get out and help people and I am so glad I was able to do it. Although I did something I said I would not do ~take money from my saving account~ I am sure God will bless me for what I did. Of this I am sure.

  This morning I was able to help 150 homeless people from Los Angeles (Venice Boulevard and Motor) to Venice Beach, then up the coast to PCH and Sunset. I took $300 from my savings account and got breakfast, water, socks, toothbrushes, toothpaste and mouth wash. I had to pay full price because the 99cent store wasn’t open. I went to RiteAid. Although the manager asked what I was buying the items for and seemed to be very interested in what I was doing he was unwilling to give a discount.

  Walking out of the store I was stopped by the clerk that was at the next register over. I noticed she was listening to our conversation and seemed to be interested in what I was talking about. She came out of the store.

  “Excuse me sir.” She said.

  I turned and she told me thanks for doing what I was doing. She like so many asked me what church was doing this.

  “This isn’t an outreach from a church. I do the outreach with friends. I do it because it’s the right thing to do.”

  She handed me $20 and began to tell me that she was once homeless and she received no help from anyone. For three years she lived on the street of Culver City. She told me that there was a time when she just wanted to give up. When she wanted to kill herself because she felt no one cared and no one was even willing to get her something to eat.

  “I had no place to wash my clothes, no place to shower and no money. People made me feel like I was some kid of mangy dog that needed to be shot. Men use to push me and people even threw things at me.” She told me with tears in her eyes.

  I sat my bags down and gave her a hug and thanked her for her $20. I asked her how she was able to turn things around for herself.

  “I saw the now hiring sign here and I was determined to get this job. I walked all the way to the Salvation Army and I picked out a pair of dark pants and a white shirts. I even found some nice shoes. I went to the counter and told them I was homeless and needed the items for a job but I could not pay. They told me no I needed to pay and to leave the store.”

  While telling me her story this ladies face was full of tears and her makeup was running. I didn’t want to see her cry, but I also didn’t want to prevent her from getting this demon out of her soul. She needed to tell someone her story and today I was the person she was able to tell it to. She needed someone to hold space for her and I was honored to be that person.

  “Did you speak with the manager of the store?” I asked

  “No I took the items and I ran out and kept running as fast as I could. I knew they would not give me those clothes, so I had no choice but to take them. I know it was wrong, but I needed clean clothed to even be considered for a job. I was at a breaking point. I was either going to get clothes to get a job or kill myself. I couldn’t live as a homeless person anymore.”

  “Did you try to go to a shelter or get clothes from local agencies that are in place to help?”

  “I was a mess. I was filthy and they wanted me to say I was on drugs and I wasn’t going to do that to myself. I went to the cold weather shelter right down the street and they were so rude to me. One of the military men there came into the bathroom while I was in the shower.”

  At this point her boss called her name and told her that “break time ended 3 minutes ago”

  “Ok I am coming. Thanks so much for listening to me. Thanks for helping even if it isn’t much. Thank you.” She gave me a hug and started to walk away.

  “Hey!!! My name is Kengi and this is where you can reach me if you ever need to talk or would like to help with the outreaches. You are a brave woman and should be very proud of yourself. Thank you for the donation, but thank more for telling me your story. You are a child of the king and all things work together for good………”

  “To those who love the Lord.” She smiled “God Bless you Kengi, I will be in touch.”

  I sat there for a minute and I began to cry because I feel like I don’t do enough. I know I do what I can and I know I have changed so many people’s views on homelessness. I know this. But I can’t help but cry when I think of all the people I am not able to help. All the people who I don’t reach. I cried even harder when I thought that all I had taken out of my savings was $300.

  Homelessness touches so many people all over this nation. Why we are more concerned about Paris Hilton then the homeless person we ALL walked passed today is puzzling to me. I did my outreach this morning knowing that I had done the very best I could do. I helped as many people I could help. I did my part to make a difference in the world and I did with in love without conditions or regard for myself. I do this because I am the “somebody else” that everyone thinks is doing it.

  If anyone have a way to donate racks for my bike that was donated, this would be a HUGE help to my with my outreach. In addition donations for Do Something Kits are really needed. Please take the time to donate items to support homeless people.

  Be Blessed, Be Ready!!!!

  Do Something Saturday

  • Posted by Kengi on June 16, 2007 at 11:19am

• 

  Ok today is a huge day and already it is off to a great start. I have already had my Do Something Saturday Morning breakfast outreach along the beach. Thanks to a donation I was able to feed 50 people. I was also able to provide 50 Do Something Kits.

  I just arrived to the center where I am getting things ready for Wendy and Brian’s HUGE day. Today I am throwing them a surprise House Warming/Baby Shower. Today will also serve as a fundraiser for the foundation. I am so looking forward to this day because Wendy and Brian have made such HUGE progress and are still doing such awesome jobs to make things better for them and their soon to be here baby girl.

  So the event starts @ 3:00PM in Venice. This is so cool and I cant wait to see all the awesome things that people are getting for this truly special couple.

  Do Something Saturday is my outreach program through the foundation. Even thought the outreach is called Do Something Saturday~that empowers people, the program serves homeless people, low income families and seniors 7 days a week 365 days a year. 95% of the funding for my foundation comes from my pocket, then rest is made up from donations. For me this is a huge undertaking because without the money that I put into the foundation the program would pretty much come to a stop. Finding people to fund a private foundation is very hard. But there are some people who support the foundatuion and for this I am truly thankful.

  If you would like to donate to the foundation, then please contact me and I will send you out a packet that will show you ways you are able to support me in my efforts to help others. You can email me @ kengikat@gmail.com

Do Somthing Saturday was HOT

• Posted by Kengi on June 25, 2007 at 5:28pm

I had the best time. I had to go out and recharge for Saturday. Somebody tried to screw my day up by eating all the food I had purchased. That only made me mad and I went out and got way more then I had the first time. ALONE I made 300 sandwiches. I also had fresh fruit, cookies~that I made, chips, water and capri sun. This was so cool.

Again I took the outreach to another level. I left Santa Monica. ON THE BIKE and headed out towards West LA. I was able to reload 5 times and when it was all said and done I was able to take my outreach of food and love all the way to Wilshire and Hoover.

God is good and I was able to meet some really cool people and make some hungry people very happy. Thanks to the HUGE bike donation from Julie my mission to help people moves forward.

Do Something Saturday really rocked. This is the first time in a long time that I did a DO SOMETHING SATURDAY~that empowers people ALONE. It was great and I am so glad that God blessed me to do it.

Saturday night I spent with my friend Christina listening to Jazz down at the Grand Performances in downtown LA. After we headed back the Santa Monica to the circle bar. That was WACK so we dipped. and headed towards the BRIG. The Brig is a cool spot. WE LOVE THE BRIG.

DO SOMETHING SATURDAY

Great Weekend

• Posted by Kengi on June 25, 2007 at 5:32pm

What a great weekend I had. It began Friday night with a late night outreach. It was very cool. It was nice to be able to try to make things better for people in other areas. It was AWESOME.

Saturday was yet another great day and I did a Do Something Saturday. This time I did it alone and it was great. Again I had the chance to hang out and meet some really cool people. Then later Saturday afternoon I was able to go link up with Christina on Crenshaw and chill with her. That was sweet because I was able to show her things like great BBQ places and other cool things like Leimert Park. Later we hung out on Main Street in Santa Monica. We hit up the Circle Bar and the Brig.

Sunday was even much more fun. We got up early to do a bus trip to Barona with my sister’s foundation. Once we got back to Venice there were about 10 boxes from Subway that my sister had left over. She asked if I wanted to take them to the homeless people and I was more then happy to. I then hung out right at the board walk in Venice and listened to VENICE and bumped into two friend I went to high school with.

I learned some pretty valuable lessons this weekend. Things that I have always known, but it was nice to have God reveal them to me again. My family is amazing and my friends are just as amazing. They love and support me, they respect me and they respect what I am doing.

PEACE AND LOVE

11:24PM Sunday Night

The picture is the lunch boxes I was ableto pass out along the beach in Venice

BBQ for the homeless and Seniors

• Posted by Kengi on July 3, 2007 at 7:00pm

This weekend my foundation will kicking off the first of many feeding for homeless and seniors this summer. SO far things are pretty crazy. I have only one person besides myself who has stepped foward with a donation to help me out with this. I amplanning to feed at least 100 homeless people and 50 seniors from the Santa Monica and Venice areas of LA. I would love to do more, but it really doesnt look like it.

DO SOMETHING SATURDAY ~ that empowers people!!! with LMU

Posted by Kengi on August 19, 2007 at 8:44pm

The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation is please to kick off what is set to be our largest Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people to date. I am very proud to announce some huge changes that will make this service more useful and affective to the community I serve. LMU is one of the changes. LMU will help provide volunteers to help facilitate the event. This is huge to be able to partner with LMU to take the some of the hard work to round up volunteers. The biggest change to the event is the Vera Davis McClendon Center. The center is now the location for all Do Something Saturday ~ that empowers people events. This is HUGE news. I am now able to provide meals for homeless people, seniors and low-income families in one location. I can now provide meals, clean clothes, Do Something Kits, and a host of other services.

The push is on to provide 150 meals to homeless people, 50 meals for seniors and 50 for low income families. 150 Do Something Kits, clean clothes, shoes in good condition and other support items. For complete details and ways you can donate and volunteer, please contact Kengi at kengikat@gmail.com or by phone 310 428 8231. You can also check the website for this information as well. There will soon be an area for Do Something Kits with a list of items for the kits. Please look for the Do Something Saturday logo for information on this event

Please help me make the lives of people have less a little bit better. Please get involved with this project. Ask your family, friends, co-workers and any one else you can think of to donate items. Please post to you blogs, website, event calendars and other areas.

If you are not from the LA area and would like to donate please do so buy either buying Do Something Saturday gear at http://www.cafepress.com/kengikat or you can also make a donation by using PAYPAL use the email kengikat@gmail.com

DO SOMETHING SATURDAY ~ that empowers people with LMU

Saturday, September 8^th from 11:00AM ~ 3:00PM

Vera Davis McClendon Community Center

610 California Avenue, Venice 90291

Posted by Kengi on August 27, 2007 at 7:47pm

WOW

This is really all I can say about today. I have done so much walking and it is good to know that I am able to walk as much and as far as I have and not have any major problems. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to get into the mission that I wanted to talk about this week as they are full.

I was able to meet this really cool lady name Candy. She is 44 years old and has been homeless on skid row for well over 6 years now. She has some history of mental illness and has also had her fair share of problems with drugs. This however doesn’t take away from the fact that for the past 6 months she has held down a part time job and has managed to save some money up to move into her own place one day.

“Were you able to get a bed in there?” was the first thing I head from this woman

“No, they are full, so I will have to come back tomorrow.” I said

“They tell that fuckin lie all the time. Them bastards aint full. They just like playing games with all the homeless folks down here so they can feel like they are in charge of something.”

Looking at Cindy I could tell she has had a rough time living down here in Skid Row. Her face has what I would call battle scars and her hands are as rough as her voice sounds.

“My name is Cindy. Have you had lunch yet?”

“Nice to meet you Cindy I am Kengi. No I haven’t eaten yet. I have a sandwich in my backpack. In fact I have two and some chips and water. Would you like to share them with me?”

“You got to be shitting me right?” she looks at me with her hands on her hips

“No, I would not shit you Cindy. You are more then welcome to it. Besides from the way you’re standing and looking at me you might kick my ass if I was trying to shit you.” I said and then started to laugh.

“Yeah, a bitch like me has been known to slice a nigga for telling lies” She begins to laugh back and grabs my arm.

We walk back to Pershing Square and it isn’t more then a block before she tells me that I need to be very careful down here.

“People down here are always up to no good and will rob you blind. So you just be on yo ya game while you down here ya here me boy?” she warms

“Thanks. I will make a note of this” I said as we both started laughing again.

“I really don’t think anyone will too much mess with you down here. You don’t look like the kind of nigga that is going to take too much bullshit from folks.”

“Nope, not too much bullshit. So how bout we sit over there and eat. I don’t know about you but I am very hungry.” I said.

“Me too.” She replied

We sat in Pershing Square in an area with very little shade and had lunch. This is when she began to tell me part of her story. It was very interesting and I had to stop eating at some points because the more she talked the more I felt like I knew this woman. The more I began to care for her and wonder what would become of her once I left the area. Just like other homeless people I start a conversation with, Cindy really grew on me. S rough and touch as she seemed to be, once she began to talk and laugh and tell some of her stories I saw a beautiful woman who had at one point had a pretty good life and is now in the fight of her life to regain it.

She told me how she has to make trips to the Dr’s office every month some time even twice a month because she has Kidney Diabetes. She also has to move out of the mission she stays in every 14 days and must pay for a room for at least two or three nights in a motel. It can take up to 3 days for her to bet a bed in the mission, so she pays the rice for a motel until she is able to get back in. She stores the bulk of her items in a storage area not too far from skid row, this too is an added cost to her minimum wage job. After she pays 75 bucks each month for her buss pass, and the 148 bucks for at least three nights in a motel room and her 55 buck co-pay for her Dr’s visit all she has left from her monthly income is 48 bucks. She saves 20 bucks of this to go toward getting her a place to live. The last 20 is for food for an entire month.

“I want to thank you very much for this sandwich and all the fixins Kengi. I can only afford to buy roman noodles. Once in a while I will treat myself to a Burger or a slice of Pizza. When I get really depressed I will go spend a whole $3 on some Chinese Food. I know I shouldn’t be spending three whole dollars on Chinese Food for one meal, but sometime I just have to treat myself.” She told me.

I sat there and tried my best not to cry and simply swallowed the bite of sandwich I had in my mouth. Trying to think of a way I could get out of eating the other half of my sandwich and offer it to her along with the bag of chips I did not open.

After talking for a while she told me that she needed to get back to get a nap at her motel and this is when I offered the other half of my sandwich and chips to her. I told her I was full and really wasn’t all that hungry, when in fact I was very hungry.

She took the sandwich and gave me a big hug before she left. When she let go she began to cry. I thought maybe I had held her too tight and had some how hurt her, because the cry was just like a cry of someone who had just been hurt.

“Cindy I am sorry, I didn’t meant to hug you so tight.” I said

“Oh no, no, no, baby, you didn’t hurt me at all. You aint done a thang to me. I am sorry for crying like this, but I don’t know the last time anyone took time from their day to talk to my broke ass. I want to thank you for feeding me and for letting me chew your ear off. I know half of what I said was simply crazy, but thanks for listening to me like I am a human. People push me and cuss me all damn day and all I am doing is asking for something to eat or water to drink. I aint never hurt nobody, aint never stole one damn thang, but people treat me like I some piece of trash not even fit to go into the garbage can.”

At this point I saw not only a woman in front of me, but a helpless woman, doing all she can to hold on an believe that things would get better for her. She cried like she had just gotten a whipping from her parents. Ya know the kind where you can’t get words out and your speech is all screwed up. I could no longer fight back my tears and I reach for her and I began to cry in silence and I told her to let it out.

We sat there for a while and she stopped crying. Only a few people came up to us to make sure she was ok and they were homeless people. No one else even cared. I gave her the other bottle of water that was in my backpack and the orange that I really should have saved for myself. I made she was fine as before I left her. She gave me the message phone number where I could keep in touch and said she has an email, but never only checks it once a month. I took it and promised to write her.

“You aint homeless Kengi. I knew this from the time I set eyes on you. You too kind to be homeless. Thank you very much for doing what you did for me today.”

“You’re welcome Cindy. DO you want me to walk you to your Motel?”

“Naw baby. You have done so much already. I will be fine.”

I looked at her as she walked away for a bit and then I turned and headed toward the Central Library. Once there I went into the bathroom and I cried. It seems that I had forgotten even with all that I daily to try to help homeless people, I had forgotten about how people and their stories just get to me. I had forgotten the pain and hurt I feel after I have done all I can do and still it isn’t enough to make a difference. I cried because I wish I could do more. I also cried because out of all the time this lady cried in my arms ONLY homeless people came to ask if she was ok. I cried because people just don’t care and I don’t think many ever will.

California leads the way with the worst record for helping homeless people

• Posted by Kengi on August 28, 2007 at 12:38pm

California leads the nation with the largest homeless population and the worst record on effectively helping homeless people

California was the state with most homeless people in 2005, about 170,000, followed by New York, Florida, Texas and Georgia, according to a recent report on homelessness. Los Angeles leads the state followed by San Francisco.

There were 744,000 homeless people in the United States in 2005, according to the first national estimate in a decade.

A little more than half were living in shelters, and nearly a quarter were chronically homeless, according to the report Wednesday by the National Alliance to End Homelessness, an advocacy group.

A majority of the homeless were single adults, but about 41 percent were in families, the report said.

The group compiled data collected by the Department of Housing and Urban Development from service providers throughout the country. It is the first national study on the number of homeless people since 1996. That study came up with a wide range for America’s homeless population: between 444,000 and 842,000.

Counting people without permanent addresses, especially those living on the street, is an inexact process. But the new study is expected to provide a baseline to help measure progress on the issue.

“Having this data brings all of us another step closer to understanding the scope and nature of homelessness in America, and establishing this baseline is an extremely challenging task,” HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson said. “Understanding homelessness is a necessary step to addressing it successfully.”

However I strongly disagree with the secretary. Having this information does nothing to improve services and it does nothing to address the many problems homeless people now face. No where in the study did I read anything on people speaking with homeless people. They simply went on information given to them by case workers, police reports or other agencies that come into contact with the homeless population. Many of the homeless that I speak to do not even want to be identified for fear of being shipped off or targeted by the police and other agencies.

According to Marsha Cohen the executive director of the Homeless Advocacy Project, which provides free legal services to the homeless in Philadelphia, the homeless population there in the last 12 to 18 months has essentially “exploded” with a whole influx of new people.

In Columbus, Ohio, workers are scrambling to help an increasing number of homeless people living under bridges and in wooded encampments, near rivers and streams. Here in California cities like Berkeley, Los Angeles, Oakland and San Francisco and Santa Monica are in an never ending battle to remove homeless people out of the site of the tourist that come to visit these cities. Santa Monica has passed laws anti recycling laws, no sitting zones and has even a task force on homelessness. However many of the homeless people I speak with tell me this is nothing more then the cities way of harassing homeless people while the general population are told that it’s helping the homeless. None of these California cities are doing anything to address fair housing for homeless people, abuse by shelter workers or its law enforcements agencies.

Many homeless people I have spoken with say they are given ticket that are allowed to pile up and become huge bench warrants before they are carted off to jail for months at time to remove them from the streets.

Last February when I did my first 34 day outreach to homeless people I saw Police taking things like water, food, sleeping bags and clothes from homeless people and throwing them in the trash. I really don’t see how taking these items are helping homeless people into a better life.

If it takes government agencies a decade to even do a national canvass how long will it take for them to really address the many problems facing homeless people in this nation? My guess is that this nation will never fully address the homeless issue now facing our nation because if they do and if they really find ways to help and solve the problems now facing homeless people so many more people would be out of jobs.

Close call…..I really hate to fight

• Posted by Kengi on August 29, 2007 at 12:17pm

At around 10:45PM tonight I got into my first fight for my belongings. I am just happy I wasn’t too tired and my back didn’t hurt as much otherwise I could have been in really bad jam. I did bang my firsts up a bit, but I’m happy I am at least able to make this blog entry right now.

While I am very upset and a little shaken by this, I won’t blame the mentally ill homeless person who attacked me. It isn’t his fault. He is mentally ill and needs to be in a hospital and not out walking the streets attacking people only to get money for drugs that make him feel better.

I was walking up 7^th street when it happened. The guy ran up behind me. I am very aware of the area down here on and around Skid Row so I stay alert all the time. When I felt him get close to me I moved quickly to the right but he was fast. He pushed me, so I swung and hit him in the face. It was dark and there were other people near by and I didn’t want to give them the idea that I was someone that they were going to be able to rob. He swung back and hit me in the jaw. This punk hit me pretty hard. I swung again and landed another hit to his face. I threw another punch with my right hand and hit him again in the face. The entire time I kept moving so he wasn’t able to grab me or hold me. I just kept swinging. The entire time I could hear my older brother mark telling me to stick and move and then I heard him telling me to knock his ass out.

This guy wasn’t giving up and I was getting tired. So I knew I had to hit him harder and make ever punch hurt and land. I stopped moving away from him and moved toward him. My body weight was more then his and I stood a better chance of knocking him down this way. I charged him and kept swinging and this took him by surprise. I kept hitting him in the head, face and in his side until I was able get my foot behind his and I swung and hit him right in the middle of his face twice. He began to fall back and I then pushed him to make sure he fell. I turned and ran away, but I also noticed that the crowd had gotten larger and they were getting closer. As I ran away one guy tried to hit me with a bottle but he missed. I ran from 7^thand main to Figueroa. I was crying a little because I hate to fight. It doesn’t solve anything, but I wasn’t about to take a beating from someone who may have caused me lots or harm.

My hands are hurting and so does my face where he hit me a few times in both jaws. I guess this is what really pissed me off because I have been in my fair share of fights, but I have never been hit in my face. Each time he hit me in my face I would go black for just a second. I know if this guy could really get em up he would have hurt me. I jumped on a bus. I told the driver what happened and he called the police for me. While I don’t want to see someone who is mentally ill go to jail, I also don’t want him to attack someone who isn’t able to fight back.

My body is sore and my head really hurts. I am fine, but please continue to pray for me and ask God to place a HEDGE of protection around me. Skid Row is made up of more then just homeless people. For the most part the homeless people are harmless, but when you mix homelessness with drugs, mental illness and the feeling that there is no way out, people do some crazy things.

I am in a well lit area with plenty of people around and I am waiting for my two friends Cindy and Dom to arrive.

Again, please pray for me and ask God to protect me.

Weaping my endure for a night, but thank you GOD. JOY comes in the morning

• Posted by Kengi on October 5, 2007 at 6:56pm

It’s always funny how we look back on things and realize how silly and small things really are. Seems like the things that we think are so huge turn out to be a small as a grain of sand in the grand stage of life.

I spent the last 5 days in a drug rehab. I allowed people to convince me that this was what I needed. The sad thing is that I went along with it. While I do have some things that I do need to work on in my life, I will not accept the fate of being a drug addict. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not placing judgment on anyone. We all have a burden to bear. We all have a load that we carry. God knows full well that I too have mine.

For 5 days I sat and listened to the stories of some pretty AWESOME people. People I will never forget, People who have touched my life in a huge way. People I will never forget. Some stories are sad ones and others just life showing up and caving in, but just like the people homeless people, low income families and seniors I serve through my foundation, I refuse to pass judgment on any of them. The bible says let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Since I am very much aware that I am the last person to throw a stone-my house is made up of a very thin glass- at anyone. I will share what I learned from the people I had the chance to speak with and get to know. I wont say any names because that is wrong, nor will I say where I was, that too is wrong.

The people here opened my eyes to a world I know is there, but one I never dared to dance in very long or too far past the front door. The people I had the chance to speak with and get to know are simply amazing and their life is well worth the effort of change and I for one am proud that they are here on the planet with me.

The program talks about a higher power. I call this power GOD. For sometime I have stepped away from my God and have taken the wheel and ask him to be the passenger. This brotha knew a short cut. But what I lost sight of is that God is the navigator and Jesus must always be my driver. I must ride and BE STILL. Life is going to toss enough crap my way. I don’t need to think that I can someone take a “short cut” past some of the BS. So I got back in touch with God, with JESUS, my lord and my king. My all and all, my wheel in the middle of the wheel, My way maker, my provider, my EVERYTING and all I need to do is BE STILL and let him do his work.

OH HELLO SOMEBODY!!!!!!!

I can look back over the last week and FORGIVE myself. God has already done so and now I have and I am moving on. What’s done is done and I can’t change it. I said I was sorry and asked for forgiveness from man and now I have forgiven MYSELF. So now I have this huge smile on my face. Why? Well that is simple. At the end of the day all I really need is forgiveness. From GOD and from MYSELF.

The works of my foundation and my works are awesome; they speak for volumes as to what I have been doing. I encourage each of you to continue to support my efforts to help. I will be in touch with the place where I just was and I would like very much to have a Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people, at the awesome place I just left.

Thanks for walking with me on this journey in life. Thanks for believing and thanks for DO SOMETHING.

To my friends a the awesome place I just left, i say HOLD ON to the power of GOD and know that his grace is GOOD. I love you

Things we can do to help

• Posted by Kengi on November 9, 2007 at 5:04pm

I really don’t have any answers on how make homelessness disappear from this country. I do however know this. We as Americans have to learn to stop turning our backs on people simply because they don’t meet what we consider to be “standard” simply because they do something that makes us feel uncomfortable.

In February I started my foundation, the Leon and Mary Fields Foundation and the Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people project. I did this because I wanted to help people, not just myself, but as many people as I could. I am very proud of the thing I have been able to get done for people by simply standing in the gap and trying to really address the needs of people who have less, by asking others who have more to help out.

I have met some pretty cool people that I know will be in my life forever. People who fully get what I am trying to do. People who are far more then just talkers, but people who are willing to stand up and DO SOMETHING.

For me the past 10 months have not been easy for me. I have been sick most of the time and out of work pretty much all the time. I have also been one of the people I am trying my best to help. But I didn’t focus on me and what I was lacking in my life. I knew that in time god would provide me what I needed and in so many ways he did and is still doing so.

Homelessness in this country is way out of control. Many people feel that there is nothing to be done about it, so they just ignore it and hope that it will go away. Well guess what people? We can no longer ignore the elephant that is in the room. It isn’t going to go away and it is getting worse as time goes on.

Each of us can take just a few minutes out of each day to reach out to a homeless person and try to at least make sure they have eaten and have warm, clean clothes. Each of us can pass along a smile and a have a nice day to a homeless person to try to make them feel a little bit safer, secure and comfortable. Each of us can take the time to Do Something. We would want the very same things for ourself if we were in this situation.

The power in me

• Posted by Kengi on November 9, 2007 at 5:39pm

People have told me that I have had the wrong way of looking at homelessness and how I should go about helping. People have said that it is ok to offer homeless people things that are meant for the trash can. People have told me that it is ok to offer homeless people food that has been sitting or food that they have picked over. I’ve been told that my way of helping is just wrong. I have been told by people that it really doesn’t matter if the blankets or clothes I provide to homeless people aren’t clean. “if they are cold enough they will use it” People have even told me that homeless people shouldn’t be so damn picky. Most of these comments have come from people who say they are Christians. Others are people who say how enlightened they are or how much they care for humanity.

Well I am a homeless person and my mission is to help as many homeless people as I can without disrespecting them and causing them to feel more ashamed or embarrassed then they already do. So I will only offer them the best of what I am able to come across. It feel that is just plain wrong for anyone to offer things to homeless people that they don’t want themselves.

My road as a homeless person hasn’t been as hard as others. I have been able to stay with people and been able to live almost like a normal person. However there were times and I know there will be more times when I am forced to eat from a trash can, sleep in an alley or in a nasty shelter. There will be more times when I have to be spoken to like a animal simply to have a place to sleep and there will be time when I will refuse to be treated like a dog and I will sleep on the beach.

This past month I have been looking back over all the things I have been able to accomplish while I have been homeless. I could have just tried to help myself and provide for myself, but I didn’t. I tried to help as many homeless people, low income families and seniors as I possibly could. I put others in front of me and I am very happy I have done this.

In the past 10 months I have planned and organized 42 Do Something Saturday events, an Easter Feast, Million Dollar Ghetto Photo Exhibit, Do Something Saturday Free Hugs Weekend, I have passed out more then 4000 Do Something Kits, provided countless clothes, shoes, socks, bottled water and other support items to homeless people, all with help of people who care. Some have now taken offense to the fact that I didn’t tell them I was homeless and feel that my work wasn’t honest. The sad fact of the matter is that these same people have now said they will not help any longer. Some have even said to stop helping homeless people. But then there are those who have taken a look at what I have done and feel even more compelled to help.

No matter how anyone looks at me or what I am doing, the fact still remains that I have inspired people to get out and DO SOMETHING, get out and help people. I have done all the planning and all the work to plan the events and layout hard work. Yes people have helped, but it was me, a homeless man, who inspired them to do so.

Looking back on my life I would have never guess that someone like me would one day find myself homeless. That I would one day feel like my life was just crap, but in all this I have found my calling in life. The reason God has placed me on this planet. The face of homelessness in America has and is changing every day. No longer is it just mentally ill people and drunks, there are people like doctors, lawyers, and book keepers. People from all walks of life finding themselves homeless with no chance of hope. People are finding out the all things they thought were in place for homeless people just isn’t so. People who thought they could just tell people they were homeless and in need of help and things would be ok. This isn’t the case. People turn their backs and friends and family aren’t the safe harbors that many of us think they are.

The next time you walk by a homeless person who is asking you for food or clean clothes, try to see yourself. To try think of what it would be like for you to be in that position. Try to think of what you would do when you ran out of options and resources. Then try to think of what you might have to do to help yourself.

I am the face of homelessness in this country. But I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like I don’t matter and that I don’t count. I refuse to let homelessness destroy me and the great man I am. I have learned that by me being homeless in this country I can use the talents and gifts that God has given me to help people, to speak for people, to satand up for people and to become a powerful voice of change for people who have to deal with being homeless.

The picture with this post is an outreach to feed 150 homeless people in the Venice and Santa Monica area that I organized.

Room with a view

• Posted by Kengi on November 10, 2007 at 2:29pm

I took this picture this morning at 6:35AM from the bedroom I’ve been sleeping in at Steven’s home in the Los Felis Hills. I can’t begin to tell you how much of a blessing this man has become for me. Not only has he given me a job, but he has let me crash here at his place and I have been able to use his Range Rover to go to the Dr and I have also been able to do four outreaches to homeless people with his support.

The way this job came about was just by the grace of God. I replied to an ad on craigslist and not long after I did so I got an email from Sarah telling me that I had a job offer. I called Steven and I hired right over the phone. I had just asked God for FAVOR in getting a job that was a good fit for me and this is just what he provided me with.

For the past three weeks Steven and I have become pretty close and I have told him about my foundation and the work I do. I even told him about being homeless. This is sort of funny because when I first met him we talked about it a bit and I didn’t get a good vibe from him on the entire issue of homelessness, but in time I was able to talk with him again and now I think he is really open to at least seeing that not all homeless people are lazy, no good scum. He never said they were, but I know many people think this way.

In working for Steven, I’ve been able to pay my medical bills, get a new cell phone, but some new shoes (NEW BALANCE) and get a few new clothing items. This morning I was even able to treat myself to a breakfast at Roscoes Chicken and Waffles on Gower. Mostly I am thankful to Steven and Wayne for letting me stay in their home. I don’t know that I would have been able to keep up with the job that Steven gave me if it had not been for this.

Sarah and Dan have offered me a place to stay with them in North Hollywood, but the drive would have been too much for me and the fact that I had to be on set so early. Robert said I could stay with him, but many times he never even came home, so I had to sleep in the van. I also had to go to the Dr a bunch while I was working and this took its toll on me. I was very tired most of the time, so when Steven made the offer to stay in the extra bedroom, I was so happy. I was able to get rest and be fresh and ready to do the job that he hired me to do.

I really don’t know what I am going to do for the next few days. My friend Kimarie is out of town and originally she said I could crash at her place if I needed to, but I didn’t get the chance to talk with her before she left, so I need to get in touch with her.

I am starting another gig working with Steven soon and I am hoping to make enough money to at least pay for a place to stay. I am happy that I was able to make at least enough money to pay for my medical bills. I would be lost without the ability to pay for my medical.

This job has been a major blessing for me and a major source of inspiration to me. It kept me busy and kept me from thinking about the fact that I really have no place to go. I do have friends like Natalie who will let me crash for a night or two and my brother has offered me to come stay in Lancaster with him. But if I go there I would have no way of getting back down to LA for work. Robert’s place is still an option, I will just have to deal with the fact that he sometimes doesn’t come home and I will have no place to sleep or the fact that he requires that I be home by 9:00PM. Many nights when I was working on the set this wasn’t possible.

I am not going to worry myself or get all worked up over it. I know things will work out and I know God will provide for me.

Morning Outreach in Downtown LA

• Posted by Kengi on November 10, 2007 at 2:56pm
• 

After taking a shower and getting myself together I went to grab some doughnuts and pass them out to homeless people in Downtown LA. Since I don’t have that much extra money left for the gig I just worked I really have to watch how I spend. But it was nice to be able to provide some food for people who might not otherwise get anything.

I don’t like coming down to Downtown LA. It is very depressing. The area always reminds me of a living grave yard fro homeless people. It’s almost like this is the place where homeless people come to just give up and let themselves go because they are tired of trying and tired of getting no where. However the cool thing about coming down here is the fact that I have met some awesome people here and I have been able to listen and talk with some people who are homeless and haven’t given up. In doing so, this gives me the courage to keep fighting and not give up on me or on the people I try to help.

Things are different here in Downtown LA since I was here last. People are now sleeping in the open and they don’t have to worry about being bothered by the police. However I wonder how many of this areas homeless are now just easy targets for people who just want to cause them harm? I wonder how many get kicked or hit while they are sleeping. I wonder how many people throw things at them.

On November 17 I will be walking in the Walk for Home sponsored by the United Way. It is a walk to end homelessness. Although I don’t know how much good it will do. I am reading blogs where people really don’t give a rats ass as to what happens to homeless people, just as long as they go away. But homelessness wont just go away. We all have to do a share to help things get better not just for homeless people, but for our communities and our country. Unless we start to take steps to make real change that will better the living situation for homeless people, we will see more and more people becoming homeless and our streets will be pretty much like a sleeping area.

All homeless people aren’t lazy. I am living proof of this. For the past 10 months I have tried to help as many homeless people as I could, not just myself. This has taken a lot of time energy and hard work, so I will not buy for one second that homeless people are just lazy, too busy doing drugs, drunks or just mental. I know I am not the only person working to bring real change for homeless people either. I know there are plenty more just like me. People just don’t take the time to see them simply because they are homeless.

Why is it that when a homeless person makes a suggestion to improve the situations for homeless people no one pays any attention? Why is that when a homeless person does things that do far greater good for homeless people, these actions get ignored? How is that people who have never even spoken to a homeless person or have never been close to being homeless seem to have all the jobs and all the answers dealing with this huge crisis in our nation? Why is it that none of the people in power bother to ask homeless people what they need or find out what would better serve them?

For the past 10 months this is what I have done. I have asked people what they need and how I can serve them. I have responded with what they asked for. Sometimes we just need to sit back and listen to people and find out what they need instead of pretending like we have all the answers to things we have never even had to deal with.

I spent three hours down in Downtown LA., talking with people and asking if there was anything I could do to help them. I asked if they wanted a doughnut or some water. I even asked if they just needed someone to talk to. It’s very hard for me not to help people. I am in the same boat they are in. The only difference is that I sometime have to pleasure of sleeping inside and I have the pleasure of real life friends like Natalie, Sarah, Dan, Christina, Steve and others to help me out. Where would I be if I didn’t have these people in my life? Who would I call on? Where would I go? Would this be me sleeping on the corner?

Take a hike!!!

• Posted by Kengi on November 10, 2007 at 3:05pm
• 

After spending the morning in Downtown LA I wanted to try to clear my head, so I went for a hike. One of the cool things about living here in Southern California is the fact that there are some awesome sights to take in. So many awesome things to do. Southern California is home to some of the worlds most beautiful beaches. Our Coast line is simply awesome. We also have some amazing National Parks and Recreation Areas. Today I went hiking in the mountains near the Griffith Park Observatory.

I spent about two hours hiking and taking a good look at just how blessed we all are to live in such an amazing place. Once I finished my hike and headed back to the Range Rover I was able to pass out more water and some chips that I still had in the back of the truck. It feels good to be able to offer people basic things like water and chips. It may not seem like a lot to you, but for people like me, it means a great deal and I am happy God has blessed me with this job to do it.

Extreme MakeOver Monday

• Posted by Kengi on November 11, 2007 at 9:10am
• 

Since starting my foundation and my Do Something Saturday outreach project I’ve been able to create some pretty amazing outreach project that help enrich and empower not only homeless people, but low income families, seniors and people from all over.

One of my first big projects was the Extreme Makeover Monday for homeless people. I thought it would be cool to be able to take some homeless people off the streets for a while and give them a “spa day” of sorts. I just wanted to pamper them and make them feel like things would some day be better for them. I talked to my new friend Kimarie of Image By Kimarie (IBK) I meet her shortly after starting my foundation. She loved the idea and was on board to help me with it. She volunteered the use of her amazing hair studio in Santa Monica and also enlisted the help of her stylist McKenzie.

I then asked some other people I had met through my community work for homeless people if they would be on willing to donate their time to help as well. Sure enough they were willing to help. My special guests had the chance to get a bath, their hair done, eat lunch, get clean clothes and even have the clothes they were wearing washed and cleaned for them. All of this was done for free. The entire day was recorded and photographed by people who I asked to volunteer.

This project was a lot of work. It took a load of planning and I am so happy I was able to make this happen for some people whom I think are very special.

As soon as I am able to pay for someone or find someone willing to donate their time and talent to edit the vidoe of this very cool day. I am will also have a very cool presentation of the day.

You can view pictures of this special day by following this link.

Do Something Saturday ~that empowers people

• Posted by Kengi on November 11, 2007 at 9:41am
• 

Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people is by far my biggest effort to help people who are homeless that my foundation does. I started this project after I was unable to find clothing, places to wash my clothes or even a place where I could take a shower. I took what was lacking in my life as a homeless person and I tried to change things no just for myself, but for other homeless people as well.

Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people is pretty simply. I began to ask people for clothing, food items, socks, shoes and other items that I know homeless people needed the most. I knew this because I am homeless, but most of all I know this because I asked other homeless people what they needed the most. I took the request that were given to me and I blogged them of my TRIBE.NET blog. This blog has since been banned by TRIBE.NET because some people said I should have told them that I was homeless in the first place.

Anyway, I blogged the requests and then I set up a date and time for people to meet up in Santa Monica at the Santa Monica Beach. I requested that items like socks, underwear and hygiene items be new and not used. I also asked that all clothing items be either new of like new. There should be no missing buttons, stains, holes and the items should be clean. In other words I asked for things that people still wanted, but could afford to give away. Most people honored my request while others used this as an excuse to clean out their closets and donate things that they should have just placed in the trash.

Some pretty amazing people came out to help as well. Again some of them only came to see if I were real while others simply wanted to help. People mailed items from different parts of the state and country. All the items were passed out to homeless people the very same day of the event. No items were saved to be sold later. Only people who needed these items received them.

Do Something Saturday~ that empowers people has become my most visible outreach project and by far the one that requires a lot of hard work and volunteers. While the name implies that the outreach only happens on Saturday, it is however a daily outreach to try to help homeless people. For a while I provided support to homeless people on a bike that Kimarie let me use. From Sunset and PCH down the coast as far as Playa Del Rey daily, as long as I had supplies to do so, I would ride this bike to provide things to homeless people sleeping along the beaches.

It’s been about two months since I have been able to do a daily outreach. The last bike that was donated to the foundation was stolen. I have yet to find another person willing to donate a bike for the outreach. However the past two weeks I have been able to provide support to homeless people along the beach with the use of a sweet Range Rover that Steven has allowed me temporarily use. Steven is the owner of the catering company I am working for.

The project is my way of really offering help to people in need. It’s one thing to take clothes to the Salvation Army or Goodwill, but many homeless people don’t have money to pay for them. So what real good did the donation do? The Salvation Army only allows homeless people a $10 voucher twice a year and it expires in about a week of getting it. If you don’t spend the entire $10 bucks the rest is lost and you aren’t able to return for 6 months.

My outreach takes the items directly to people who need them. They don’t need a referral slip, nor do the need a case manager. I’ve taken the red tape out of helping homeless people by going directly to homeless people to provide support.

I am very proud of my efforts to help homeless people through my outreach efforts. I am very proud of the all the people who gave for the right reasons. I am also very proud to be able to continue my work.

If you would like to donate items for this outreach, please contact me for a complete list of items needed.

Company of a good friend

• Posted by Kengi on November 11, 2007 at 2:58pm

This morning I was set to go on a picture expo with my friend Brian. One of the cool things about getting to work on the movie set was the fact that I was able to purchase a new digital camera with the help of my boss Steven. So I am once again able to take some pretty cool pictures of my work and I can also record movies as well.

So Today I was looking forward to going on a picture expo with Brian, but the day was grey and cloudy and now it is raining a bit, so we put this on hold. We did however go over to Cafe Buna ~ in Marina Del Rey~ my childhood friend Karen owns this place and have a great breakfast. I also got to spend some time talking with Karen and letting her know that I am well and things are looking up.

Karen and her cafe have been a huge support to both me and the foundation. She has provided close to 300 meals for homeless people and for the events I have sponsored. I have known her pretty much all my life and it’s awesome that she still remains such a great friend to me. I had the wings and waffles. It was awesome. I love to eat there, but many times I am unable to afford it, so I just stay away.

So after we ate breakfast, Brian and I went to Samy’s Camera so he could get some film and show me how to load and use my old school camera. I am hoping to start a pretty cool portfolio so I am able to better document my work, the things I do and the pictures I take. When my blog on tribe.net was closed I lost all the pictures from 7 months of work. I refuse to let this happen again.

It’s raining outside and I am now alone. I am at Kimaries and I have so much going through my mind. I am wondering how people are keeping warm and wondering how I can help them. Since i dont have much moeny left, i dont think it would be wise of me to spend the little I do have on things like beanies and gloves for people when i might need this moeny myself to get something to eat or buy a beanie for myself.

This the picture of my plate of food at Cafe Buna. Looks good huh?

A special garden is no more

• Posted by Kengi on November 11, 2007 at 7:41pm
• 

I met this guy who likes to be called “old man” back in February. He is homeless and lives in his white van with his dog “foot” This is a pretty cool dude. Not only does he have a very rich history here in Santa Monica, but he also had one of the coolest gardens around. What was so cool about his garden was the fact that is was just steps from the sand. Right in the parking lot of Santa Monica Beach I first met him back in February when I started my outreach. I spent many days and hours with him. Taking pictures and trying to get more people to care about what was going on with him.

His garden was amazing. There were rose bushes, collard greens, brussel spouts, cabbage, and all sorts of other things growing in the sand just steps from the Santa Monica Beach. He had transformed three islands in the parking lot of Santa Monica to these amazing gardens. I was in so impressed and when I finally had the chance to talk with him I found out this man was homeless. He wasn’t out beggin for food or things like this, he was using his time to make these impressive gardens that stood as a testament that homeless people are anything but lazy.

I later learned that he use to be in a motorcycle club called Brother’s of the Sun. This was the same club that my Uncle Charles was member of. He also told me that he made the trek from Santa Monica to Salk and Sea. An annual camping trip for the club as well as others including the Van Club that my father was a member of.

Shortly after meeting him I learned that the City of Santa Monica had plans to construct a artificial Turf playing area smack in the middle of this parking lot that would destroy his garden. I blogged this in my TRIBE.NET blog and many people said they would come out to support him at the hearing that was going to take place. No one ever showed up. Well no one other then myself and a few of the residents in Santa Monica who thought it would be very sad if his hard work was destroyed in order to make way for a parking lot play ground. Today I discovered that it is in fact gone and so is the man who has worked so hard to keep it up.

The was no trace of him, foot or his van and all that was left of his garden is bits and pieces of this awesome place that I am sure most people just took for granted. I don’t know what happened to OLD MAN and I don’t have any way of contacting him. I was able to give him a cell phone that was given to me by “Santa Claus” but the number is no longer working. My only hope is that he did find a place where he is able to continue his work and keep this very impressive garden alive.

What is so sad to me is all the people who said they would come out to support him in his fight to keep his garden. Many people on my blog on tribe said they would come out to help him fight to keep it. However when the time came for them to DO SOMETHING they didn’t show up. It’s funny to me that many of the people who said they would come out to support him are the same people who are now saying that my efforts to support homeless people are not real simply because I didn’t tell them I was homeless myself.

It is very clear to me that most people, I would go as far as saying 98% of this country doesn’t give a damn about homeless people and could care less that OLD MAN has lost something that was so very important to him. I wish more people could have met this man and could have seen the awesome garden that he spent so much time on. It will now just be some court for rich and privileged to play games on.

When The Math Of Homelessness Becomes An Unequal Equation

• Posted by Kengi on November 12, 2007 at 8:11pm

There is simply something completely absurd about the fact that we send our women and men to fight for our country, but we don’t take care of them when they return.

Extreme MakeOver Monday

• Posted by Kengi on November 13, 2007 at 4:54pm
• 

One of the coolest projects I have been blessed to create while being homeless was the Extreme Makeover that I did for homeless people. I asked Kimarie, the owner of IBK Hair Studio in Santa Monica if she would let me use her hair salon for this very cool project. Not only did she agree, but she also got her friend and employee McKenzie to help out with the project. Camile, another friend of Kimarie’s volunteered her services to provide a awesome massage to Jim, a homeless man who had just found out his son had died. Through my blog I was able to get a ticket for him to go home to Colorado for his sons funeral. Someone named Charles in Hawaii paid for his trip one way and I paid for his trip back to California with money I made doing odd jobs for people.

The makeover was awesome. Many people volunteered their time and talents to make some pretty cool people, who just happen to be homeless feel like a million bucks. In all there were about 9 homeless people that were able to come off the streets for about 4 hours to get a bath, clean clothes, get their clothes washed, get hair cuts and styles, have lunch and have the chance to tell their story of homelessness. There is very cool video of this on my Do Something Saturday network right here on ning. I invite you to check it out.

These pictures were taken at the event and are of the homeless people who took part in the extreme makeover for homeless people. Being homeless myself I know how very hard it is to come by a decent meal, hot shower, clean clothes and a place where you feel safe. Many of the shelters and homeless service providers here in Santa Monica provide such services as showers and laundry, but you have to be a member of their program in order to receive such a valuable service. Can you imagine being told that you can’t take a shower or wash your clothes simply because you aren’t a member? Even when you are a member there is no guarantee you are able to access such services. Place like OPCC have long waiting list for such services and others like Saint Joseph Center do not even allow you to wash your clothes or take a shower more then one a week. Once a week showers you ask? Yep, once a week and this is only if you’re lucky enough to get on the list.

I created the Extreme Makeover with the hopes of getting more people to care and offer such services. I have only been able to provide this service just once, but the results and smiles and joy on the face of the homeless people that took part were priceless. I was however able to provide laundry service to homeless people in the Santa Monica area as well as provide clean towels every morning to people taking showers under the Santa Monica Pier with a generous donation to two HUGE boxes of TIDE from Dawn Bruce of Riverside Ca, and towels that were donated by various people, but most of all Kimarie Volunteered the use of her washer and drier free of charge for me to provide such a awesome service. I was able to provide this service for about 6 weeks before the cost to Kimarie became too great.

Today Kimarie is a great friend to me and my foundation and has allowed me on many occasions to sleep in her studio and has provided a clean and safe place for me to store my things and get some rest from living and sleeping on the streets.

I hope you enjoy the pictures. There are more on my Do Something Saturday network.

How do you tell someone you are homeless?

• Posted by Kengi on November 13, 2007 at 10:12pm

Tonight was a pretty tough night. I’ve been sharing with my new boss and his executive chef about the work I do through my outreach and my foundation. I have been very open and honest about all that I am doing. However I haven’t been honest about the fact that I myself am homeless. I mean how do you tell someone that you work for that you yourself are in fact homeless? It’s not very easy and one could be fired.

Tonight this is the risk I took. I was sharing with John, the executive chef about the work that I do and I then told him that I myself am homeless. I also opened up and told Steven the owner of the catering company as well. I was really nervous about the entire thing and to be honest I really didn’t know how either of them would react. I was hoping and had prayed for the best. I am in no position to not have this job and I really don’t want to notbe able to continue the work that is so important to me simply because I have told the people who employ me that I am homeless.

They both seem to take it very well. Steven is going to try to find a way to help me get a RV to live in, where I could at least do craft services and provide for myself. John was also very cool and also seemed to be very much interested in helping me through this very tough and embarrassing part of my life. When I say embarrassing, please don’t get me wrong. I am very proud of who I am and I am damn proud of the work I have been able to get done while I am homeless. I mean lets face it, most people in my situation would have given up a long time ago, far more would have never thought to try to help others before helping themselves. So I paid all my cards on the table and I told both of them the truth about me and my situation.

I think I have finally met two more people who will not hold the fact that I am homeless against me. I think they both genuinely care about me and what happens to me. Afor me this is so awesome to have two more people in my corner willing to take a chance on me and willing to offer me some support. To be very honest I don’t know where ai would be right now if I had not gotten the job with this company. I have been able to get much needed rest, pay medical bills and provide things for homeless people. I am have also been able to wake up each day with a clear head and think clearly because I have been able to get some rest and not have to worry about fighting for my things at night.

Right now I am almost of the in tears because for the first time in a very long time I have opened up to people about my current situation and instead of them judging me or turning their backs on me and acting like I have someone caused them this huge harm, they seem to want to help me. I don’t run across very many people like this and the ones that I do know like Natalie, Kimarie, Cat, Mckenzie, Karen, Brian and others are very rare. I fully understand why homeless people aren’t willing to tell people that they are homeless because they don’t want to risk not having the small support they do have.

At the end of the day I know in my heart I am a great person, with a great heart and a great head on my shoulders. I know that I am able to do all things and accomplish far more then most, but I also know that I am homeless and people will not give me the opportunity to show what I am able to so simply because of this very small fact about me. It’s just like being gay, people will assume things about me simply because I am gay and not allow me to show them different for this reason alone, not because I am not able to do it, but because of what they think they know.

Steve and John have just helped to restore some of the trust I have lost for mankind. They have helped me see that not all people are the same. I know this is hard to believe that someone like me who helps homeless people and asks them not to judge them think and feel this way, but like the facts that I am gay and black, there are certain things that I know people will judge me for. Not based on anything they know about me, because of what they think they know. I feel the same way when it comes to the fact that I am homeless. People will assume I have a drug problem, mental illness or a drinking problem, they will assume that I am lazy. All of these things are wrong, but since this is what they have heard, read, seen or even had to deal with at one time or another, they will assume the same is true for me.

The facts are this. My name is Louis aka Kengi. I am 38 years old and I am struggling though homelessness in Los Angeles. I am a kind person, hard worker, smart and I care for people. I am in need of some help to get back up on my feet, but I am afraid to ask simply because I don’t want people to think less of me or treat me like I am in some way less then they are simply because I am homeless. The real fact of the matter is that in being homeless I have learned that I am stronger and more able to deal with life and all the obstacles it has for me simply by being homeless. Being homeless has made me stronger, it’s made me a better man, better able to look at a person and take them for whom they are and where they are and not for whom I would have them to be. Homelessness has taught me that I am not less then, but in many ways I am greater than most. Being homeless has taught me how to survive in a world where people like me are treated like worthless animals.

Steve and John, thanks very much for what you have given back to me. Thanks very much for believing in me and for taking a chance on someone like me. I pledge to do the best I can do not to cause either of you to doubt me or not want to help me. Your friendships mean the world to me and I am so very thankful and blessed to have both of you in my life.

Kengi

Are you worried about becoming homeless?

• Posted by Kengi on November 16, 2007 at 2:25pm
• 
• If you live in Los Angeles, 1 out of every 3 of you say you are worried… according to a recent Gallup poll. In fact, half of the people in Los Angeles said they have taken in a friend or family member who would have otherwise been homeless.

  And we think we are resolving homelessness?

  If you live in Los Angeles, you know how incredibly high the price of buying or renting housing is. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand how close people are to becoming homeless. First and last months rent, with a security deposit, is like putting a down payment on a house. It’s expensive.

  Since homelessness seems to touch the lives of more and more people in Los Angeles, you would think our society would respond in a bigger way. Affordable housing is clearly one of the most significant solutions to addressing homelessness.

  Let’s see if our governments (local, regional, and federal) are willing to invest the kind of resources needed to insure that our citizens are not sleeping on our streets.

Born for this

• Posted by Kengi on November 18, 2007 at 9:35am
• 

Jill Scott has this new single called HATE ON ME. If you have the time follow the link and you will see why this soing has been such a major source of inspiration to me. Do a youtube search for Jill Scott and then look for HATE ON ME to check out the video.

This is one of the hardest times in my life and I am doing all I can to get through it. Unlike most people who deal with homelessness I don’t always have to sleep in shelters or on the streets. I can sometimes sleep over a friend’s house and there are times when I have enough cash in my pocket to make it to my family. I’ve only had to eat froma trash can three times, but they were the most humiliating meals of my life. I’ve turned tricks in order not to be forced to sleep in the rain or to have a place to stay after a cancer treatment.

There are people saying that I am in need of therapy and all, but none of these people could walk for one second in my shoes. There is this one person who is about to do a story about me and all my friends have warned me that the story will only be destructive and hurtful. Should I worry about it (the article) or how people will treat me after it is out?

While dealing with Cancer, Sickle Cell and Homelessness, I’ve done things to help people. I could have just thrown in the towel and just given up, but I didn’t and I wont because greater is he who is n me then he who is in the world.

When I look back on my life I see a man who grew up in Santa Monica, a graduate of USC, a former business owner, private chef, someone who has left the country many times and now I am dealing with the lows of this life. I am homeless. I the midst of homelessness I have allowed myself not to become depressed or defeated by it.

From being in this situation I have learned that there are people who have to deal with homelessness not because they are lazy, have a drug or drinking problem. There are people who have had things go wrong in their life and now are homeless. You may ask where there friends and family are. Think about this. How many of us really have a true friend who will stick by you no matter what? Even if you do, are they able to provide shelter, clothing, food, transportation and all of these things for a time that may not end in a week or a month or even a year? Can your family do the same?

It’s the weekend leading into Thanksgiving and I have been able to spend some time with my family. But I can’t help but think about all the people who live on the streets of LA with no wear to go, no place to eat and no one to encourage them or offer some help. I am planning to spend some time on Thanksgiving Day volunteering to feed homeless people in Santa Monica and Venice. On Monday and Tuesday I will be trading my skills as a chef to secure donations for the project I am volunteering for.

My life is right where it is supposed to be and god has me right where I am for a reason. So to answer my question.“Should I worry about it (the article) or how people will treat me after it is out?” NOPE. I wont, because I know who I am and most of all I also know that my success comes from God and the JOY that is inside of me, the world didn’t give it and the world cant take it away. So do what you do, hate on me HATER, now or later. You can try to bring me down if you may, but I say, it’s not up to you.

Life doesnt always mean happyness, there are always room for rain. The rain makes us stronger. In my quest to find the answer as to why I am homeless at this point in my life, I have found that I was born for this. Destined for greatness, I have been called, prepared and born for this. Now that i am aware of this, I willuse all the tools God has given me to help make things better for people who have not had anyone speak for them or stand up for them.

Born for this.

Working on a Celine Deon Music Video

• Posted by Kengi on November 20, 2007 at 4:13pm
• 
• This is so cool. last night I got a call on my cell phone. i was really worried about answering it because it is prepaid and the minutes are very low. Since I saw it was John, soomeone who knows my situation and knows I need work and money, I answered it. I am so glad I did. 
  Today I spent over 8 hours working on a Celine Deon Music Video set in Santa Monica. AWESOME.
  
  Good news and bad news. I wasnt paid much moeny, but i was able to make enought to reload my prepaid phone, so off my skills as a chef/crafty person and I was able to network with people on the set. VERY COOL.
  
  I also got to take some pretty cool pics. You can go to the pics page here in this network to check them out

When Thanksgiving Ends……

• Posted by Kengi on November 20, 2007 at 4:45pm
• 
• The awareness of the conditions that human beings endure on Skid Row that is raised from these events is a positive thing. Life on the streets in this portion of Downtown Los Angeles, and the people striving to improve the situation there, needs all the attention it can get. There is a particular tug this year with the recent study showing that one in four homeless persons is a veteran.

Have a great Thanksgiving

• Posted by Kengi on November 21, 2007 at 5:01pm
• 
• I hope everyone has a great time with thier family, friends and loved ones. be safe and look after each other.
  In honor of my father who died a year ago TODAY I spent the day with kids who have lost their father. For me it was a very emotional day, but it was awesome for my spirit. I then looked after a friends animals and got some keys made for her. My friend Tina came by to donate a Turkey for the outreach I am doing with a local church in Venice on Saturday. She also gave a a coupon for a second turkey. My friend Laddie donated $20 and I will be picking up another turkey from another person who wants to try to make things better for people in need.
  
  I have the use a car that will allow me to drive to my Brother’s so I can be with my family on Thankgiving. On Saturday my outreach Do Something Saturday will team up with a local church to feed at least 200 homeless people.
  
  Be safe and blessed guys

Was your a good one?

• Posted by Kengi on November 29, 2007 at 5:27pm
• 

Hope your Thanksgiving was a good one. Many thanks to everyone who came out to support and those who donated to the feed on Saturday for homeless people. Thanks to you generous support I was able to feed about 100 people.

Hope everyone had a great day.

New gig. Working on two film sets

• Posted by Kengi on November 29, 2007 at 6:45pm
• 

Ok, so here I go again. I am working on yet another set. This time I will go between two sets. One is located in Burbank and the other is located in Santa Clarita. It’s so cool to be working in the kitchen again. Once Again I am teamed up with Steven and John. This time I am also working with Francis (another chef) and Sonia who is the crafty girl on the set in Santa Clarita.

Today was really cool because I was able to see some people that I have seen on other sets. Most recently I saw a who worked on the last set American Cowslip as a crew person and he told us how they fired him and a bunch of other people. Even tried to cheat them out a couple weeks pay. This didn’t surprise me at all because they also let us go a week early. They told Steven one thing, but after he had left they told me something totally different. Working on sets for movies and TV is hard work and is very cut-throat. Many time producers want the things like champagne grapes and only want to pay 99 cents or less for them. It’s almost like they forget the cost of food and what it takes to move a vehicle filled with supplies, tables, chairs and all the things it takes to deliever what they are asking for.

Today was awesome. Pretty much got to work my set alone while Steven and Francis went to the set in Santa Clarita. That was very cool. This morning was very basic since it was the first day. For breakfast there was a basic scramble along with tator totts, fresh fruits and yogurts and lunch was a jerk chicken, red beans and rice, grilled links, corn with oakra and cake. Tomorrow I am making French toast, new potatoes, sauasage, fresh fruit. I think we are having steak and chicken fajitas for lunch.

The last set I worked on I was able to pay all of the back pay of my medical and I even paid some forward. I was also able to pay some other bills and get a new cell phone. With this job, I am hoping to get a place to live. So I really have my work cut out for me. I will be working through the 19^th of December.

Here are some pics of the food from my first day on the set

Happy Birthday to me

• Posted by Kengi on December 19, 2007 at 8:00pm

Since February I’ve been homeless. I have tried with all there is within me to find a job that will allow me to get back up on my feet and take care of myself. I have also worked very hard at trying to provide things for people who are in the same situation as me. There have been times when I felt like I was so defeated, like I felt like things weren’t going to get better, but they did.

For over two months now I have been working for this catering company. I was honest and told the owner about my homeless situation. I thought he was cool with it and he even offered to help me get a trailer. Well it all came to an end the other night when I had to call my friend Brian to pick me up and I am now out of two weeks pay, plus other money I spent from my own pocket buying things for a company that I was working for.

Right now I feel so crushed, so betrayed, so doubtful that I will ever get out of this situation. I have never felt like this prior to this. I always had hope, I always knew I could fight my way through this. Tonight I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like “what’s the point?” I have about 5 bucks in change, a laptop that my friend Kimarie loaned to me, a digital camera and no place to sleep. All my friends are out of town for the holidays and I don’t know what to do. It is raining here or at least it has been raining here in LA and it’s cold out

I’ve been with my friend Brian for three days and he really doesn’t have the room for me, nor do I feel comfortable asking him if I can say with him for a while. Our friendship is a new one and I don’t want to put any pressure on it. I love the friendship that we are developing and I don’t want to do anything to make it go away.

I’ve worked my ass off for this Steven guy and I know should be paid, but I am homeless and I don’t have a resources to call on, so what do I do? I really don’t know. I do know this. I am very tired of trying only to get no place.

So tonight I went over to get my hair cut and I am hoping to find a place to crash. Brian is a great friend, but I don’t want to mess this friendship up. I really like him and I am learning so much from him and I don’t want to put any pressure on this friendship.

So I very bummed out, so much so that I almost feel like just giving up. I am just so damn tired of working so hard to change my situation and I get no place. So for those of you who think being homeless and finding a job and a place to live is very easy, well you’re just wrong. It is very hard and at times it can be very depressing. There are times when I know I have reached a space where most people kill themselves or start going using drugs, drinking or going deeper into both.

I am very happy that I am not at that point and I pray I will never reach it. I am homeless and right now things are very hard and I am a bit depressed, but I refuse to let this defeat me. I am so much stronger then this. I know this. I will say I am very down.

I had plans to take a road trip, with some of the money from working. I wanted to see my friends in the Bay Area and I also wanted to see my Great Aunt Ruby there in the city as well. Today is my birthday and I feel like shit. I am trying very hard not to dwell on this but it is very hard. I am flat broke and even if I got a job tomorrow I don’t have a place to live, I don’t have a place to shower, wash my clothes and I don’t even have money to get around.

Happy fucking Birthday to me

How time flies

• Posted by Kengi on December 22, 2007 at 5:05pm
• 

This picture brings back so many cool thoughts for me. As a kid we use to drive this way to see my Aunt and Uncle and their kids that lived in Oxnard at the CB’s base there. Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) is such an awesome drive. I love our coast line and I love the water. It is such a huge source of energy and relaxation for me.

The coast has always been such a huge part of my life. I have always gone to the water to find my way. When things bother me, I go there to try to clear my head and get some direction.

I took this picture not long ago when I was working for this caterer Steven who didn’t pay me. At the time I thought I was in a great place. I was working and I felt like things were finally going to get better. I had made plans to take a road trip up the coast and I was hoping that my friend Brian would go with me as well. It was going to be the beginning to a awesome new start for me and my life.

That was about two weeks ago and things have changed again so much. I am no longer working and I have no money and no place to stay. I have Dr’s appointments next week, but no way of paying for the co-pay and for the medicane. So I will have to wait until I am able to do this. My birthday was on the 19^th of December and had it not been for Brian I would have been some place in tears. In fact if it had not been for him right now I would be sleeping outdoors. It is very cold here in LA. For this of you who read this from areas that get really cold, to us here in Santa Monica, 58 is cold.

My life really sucks ass right now and today I am in so much pain from my Sickle Cell and I know this is because I am very worried and stressed out, but I cant seem to relax and take my mind off things. I am still very much thinking about not being paid and Steven thinking that this is just ok to do to me. I am thinking about an article that might come out in the LA Weekly about me, from this guy Justin who hates me and will stop at nothing to make trouble for me.

Christmas is here and I will be alone. I am set to house sit for Kimarie, so I will at least be off the street. I have also been sending out my resume to places for work.

Yeah, it’s really funny how my life has changed so much so fast and it seems as if I wont be able to get things back on track for sometime. But I refuse to give up and I refuse to let this defeat me. I am strong and my will to get through this is much stronger then any power, or forces working against me.

Brian has helped to me see the things that were once important to me. My blog and my community work. It’s funny because many people have said the very same thing. They wonder what I am doing and what is going on. I miss my community on Tribe and I hate the fact that my blog was closed by Tribe and I wasn’t even given a chance to defend myself. I am sure there are far worse things on other blogs then the entries that were there on mine, so I cant see why it was closed without even letting me know.

I am down, my body is in so much pain and my heart hurts so much. I keep myself from crying by smiling and talking about how things use to be and how think of how they will be once again.

Thanks very much to all my friends for your love and support.

Where you donate your money

• Posted by Kengi on December 22, 2007 at 6:37pm
• 

I was just reading this article online about how charities that support the rich and well to do are doing so well, while charities that support the poor are doing very bad. There is a week that goes by that someone hasn’t given big bucks to a university or a museum. I don’t have a problem with this at all, people are welcome to donate and give their money where they see they want.

The article had some quotes from Tanya Tull, the founder of Beyond Shelter. For those of you who ready my blog when it was on Tribe, before it was closed, you will remember I did many blog entries on Tanya Tull and Beyond Shelter. I was working with two families that painted a very different story of Beyond Shelter and I myself had the chance to speak with Ms. Tull and her assistant. I even had to call a local city council persons office to prevent Beyond Shelter from shipping one of the families belongings to the Vera Davis Community Center in Venice. Ms. Tull and her assistant were very nasty and downright rude. They had no compassion and showed no concern or respect for the family we were both trying to help. In fact they threw the family out on the street with a 9 month old child.

Beyond Shelter also gave a hard time to yet another family that was in the very same center. Alex and his wife and kids also came to see if I could help them. They too told stories of how Ms. Tull, and her staff at beyond Shelter treated them like wild animals.

However the article I just read paints Ms. Tull and her agency as this place that is doing so AWESOME work for homeless people. I am in no way saying that Ms. Tull and Beyond Shelter don’t do great work, I am only saying that people especially the media take closer looks at places such as this.

If you recall also on my blog, I was about to start a story on a lady who is homeless with her kids. One of whom is an honor student at Santa Monica High, she too was offered help by Ms. Tull and later was thrown into the street by Ms. Tull and her agency. Now I know for a fact that I am not the only person that these people have talked to. In fact Alex placed a very public blog right on Tribe about the agency and how his family was treated. Celensis also told other agencies and has even gone to the Santa Monica Police for assistance. So I am very sure that people in power know full well what is taking place at places like Beyond Shelter and all the other places.

So why is nothing being done? Well lets look at the facts. The people doing the complaining are homeless. (Fish already in the fish bowl) Who is going to believe them? They are liars, they use drugs, they drink, they cant keep a job, so why should anyone listen to anything they have to say? Furthermore, places like Beyond Shelter and people like Ms. Tull are upstanding community leaders. Spotless from blame and loved by the all who know them. People like this are always going to have a few people saying bad things about them.

I can see why people donate far more money to places other then Beyond Shelter and OPCC, at least when you donate money to places like a library, university or museums you see where your contribution went and you can feel comfortable knowing that it went to good use. With places like Beyond Shelter, you just never know how the money was spent. Was it spent to build a brand new 6 million dollar building that still doesn’t have one single bed for homeless people? Did it go for meals, clothing or other supplies for homeless people? Or did it go to the pocket of some person who doesn’t give a rats ass about homeless people? We just don’t know.

I do know this. I have worked with and spoken to at least five families who have nothing but bad things to say about Ms. Tull and Beyond Shelter. I have also spoken with people who work with other agencies that provide support services to homeless people who also have bad things to say about Ms. Tull and Beyond Shelter.

While I was working I took my donations for homeless people directly to them. Food, clothing, hygiene items and other support services directly to them. Many people say this doesn’t help. It only makes homeless people lazy because they know I will come to provide support for them and they can just sit on their asses. Well I can see where it did help. I can provide you with people who it did encourage. I can show you people who are now living inside and doing ok and some doing very well. I can show you that helping people and doing it in love and respect, not for a donation or pay check really makes a huge difference in the life of a homeless person.

The very next time you have a donation of cash you want to give, why not use the money to help a homeless person right in your neighborhood? They might need a meal, by them one. They might need a hair cut, get them one. They might need a bus pass, buy it for them. Do it in love and respect. Do it knowing that it is the right thing to do, regardless of if they are still in the same place next week or next year. Do it because it is the right thing to do and you never know how your kindness will affect them later.

Before I became homeless I use to donate money to places that help homeless people. I even spent time volunteering for them. Now that I am homeless and have gone to such places to get help I know my donation to them wasn’t they best way to help homeless people. I am not saying that it didn’t help a homeless person, I am saying it wasn’t the best way to help. I know this because I am homeless, not because someone told me. I am also not saying this because I am mad. I am saying this so people who know the truth and will take steps to really make change for homeless people.

Together, we can make real change in the homeless situation here in LA and in this country, but we must first remove profit from it. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that people don’t deserve to be paid for their work, I am saying that we should take a close look at how the people in charge live and how well they can really help a homeless person.

I took this picture at the Vaera Davis Center. I was about to feed homeless people on Venice Beach with my friend Julio. I used MY MONEY and donations I got from people who support my effort to provide for homeless people.

New Direction for my blog and for me

• Posted by Kengi on December 23, 2007 at 10:33pm
• 

My blog will not focus for the most part on me and the things I am dealing with. I will still talk about things that are important to the homeless community as a whole and I will still try to find people to blog about. However, unlike in the past, my blog will now focus on me, what I am doing, going and how I am trying to turn things around for myself.

THINGS I OWN

The last week when I was thinking that I would be back on the street more nights then not, I had to take a look at what I own and what I can carry in my small backpack.

One pair of long cargo pants in ok condition

Two pairs of shorts

Two warm jackets

Four T-shirts

Pair of shoes

Laptop that I have been allowed to use from Kimarie

Cannon Digital Camera I purchased with a portion of my first paycheck from the catering company

Bottle of Tylenol

Bottle of Motrin

Bag of Halls Vitamin C

Bag of Halls Cough Drops

Misc. papers and notes and phone numbers

Much of this I will have to get rid of once my time house sitting is over. I will not be able to carry it in my backpack.

My plan is to wear as much of the clothes I can so I am able to keep them. Places like the OPCC have clothes for homeless people, but many times they are in poor condition and far worse then what you currently have. They have washers but you have to be a member in order to use them.

MEDICAL

I was able to pay my Blue Cross bill, so I do have my medical. However I can’t go to the Dr. because I don’t have money to pay the office co-pay, nor do I have the money to pay for any prescriptions. Currently I have three teeth that I know need to be pulled. One of which started falling out about a month ago. I also have some sort of infection in one of my fingers that seems to keep getting worse. I have been soaking it in Epson Salt, but this only does so much. I really need to see a Dr.

I have been to places like The Venice Family Clinic and other places, but not much has been done. I remember when I spent some time in Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center. I was taken there after I was having really bad chest pains while I was in the Santa Monica Place Mall. They kept me for a few days, but the way I was treated while I was there was simply unreal. I fell out of bed and it was a while before someone even noticed I was face down on the floor. The day I was told I had to leave because there was nothing wrong with me I knew I had to be in line for the shelter bus by a certain time or I would not get in. You cant just walk into the cold weather shelters once you have already been there. I know people seem to think you can, but ask any homeless person and they will tell you different. Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center wanted to keep my a while longer in order to do one more test. However they couldn’t tell me when they were going to do the test. Since I knew they said I had to leave and I wasn’t prepared to sleep on the street I told them I had to leave at that moment. I asked them to remove the IV so I could leave. They made all sorts of excuses why they could not remove the IV. When I tried to remove it myself, I was told that it would get infected and that I needed to wait until they spoke with my Dr. I demanded to be released at that moment. I knew I needed to get started walking toward the area where the shelter bus would pick up.

The nurses kept telling me that I had to wait for my last test. My Dr. then called and told me that if I left right then I would be checking out against my Dr’s orders. She was releasing me later on anyway, so how was this against her orders? I told her that if I didn’t get in to the area for the shelter bus I would be forced to sleep outside and I didn’t have the energy to do this.

“This isn’t my problem. This isn’t your home and you cant live here. You are 38 years old and you need to learn how to take care of yourself.”

“I know how old I am and if you recall, I never asked to stay here in the first place. I tried to walk out of your ER but I was told to come back in. I am asking you to realease me now, so I can have a place to sleep inside tonight.”

“Carr, you must wait for the last test and then we will release you.”

“When will that be?”

“I don’t know. Now please stop disturbing the nurses.”

She hung up and I started to get out of bed. I got dressed and began to walk out. I aksed again for the IV to be removed and no one ever came to remove it. It hurt far too much for me to try to remove myself, so I left it in. I started walking toward the elevator to leave. No nurse asked to assist me or tried to stop me.

I was feeling very light headed and I began to get very dizzy. My vision was very blurry and I thought I would vomit. I got into the elevator. I hadn’t gone one floor before someone I thought was a nurse got in with me. The door closed again and I began to really feel like I was going to pass out. I don’t recall when but I remember feeling like it was getting dark and the pain in my chest was back far worse then before. All I can say is that it felt like a truck was sitting on my chest. It felt tight and it hurt so much. I remember falling forward and my ahead hitting the door to the elevator. The lady inside tried as best she could to help me. My chest was on fire and I couldn’t feel my entire left side. My face was smashed against the floor of the elevator.

I was in the emergency room when I was fully aware of what was going on. The staff acted like they had no idea who I was or why I was on the 6^th floor. Even though I still had on my medical ID on my left arm. I tried to show them several times, but they ignored me.

I am not sure how long they kept me in the ER, but I was released from there and told what happened to me in the elevator was normal. I fell down twice while I was leaving the ER and again I was told this was normal.

I made my way to the area where the shelter bus picks up. Once there I saw Brady and Tiffany and other people that were friendly to me. I was still pretty dizzy and very weak, but I had to get it together and try to take care of myself. The IV was in my hand for about two days after I left the hospital. Some homeless lady on the beach helped me take it out. It hurt so much and the pain in my hand was there for about a week. This situation happened again while I was at the Venice family clinic and was taken to St. John’s Hospital by LA fire. In route they pulled the wagon over and told me that I was crazy and I had to stop going to the ER. Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center refused to take me and telling them that I had been there too many times.

I don’t trust medical institutions nor do I trust many of the people who work there. Since I have become homeless it is almost like my medical care doesn’t matter and the way I treated by many in this field is simply shocking. I know I am not the only one who gets treated this way, but the I do know the fact that I am homeless has a great deal to do with it.

Not long ago there was a news story on the treatment of this patient that was dumped on skid row. There was full media coverage. What happened to this lady? What happened to the hospital that did this? Just the other night I was watching ABC News and I saw a report of how many homeless people are found dead and the causes of death. It was pretty freaky to see this on TV. Not because I don’t believe it, but because a news outlet had found the time to even do a story on it. I don’t thing it was because they care either. It was simply something to fill a hole in their program and when it gets cold here in LA you see more stories about homeless people. Just like you do around the holidays.

The picture with this posting is of my finger. There are more in the photos in my photo gallery. It hurts really bad and each morning I have to squeeze it to get the puss to come out. I’ve tried to cover it, but then it just seems to hurt that much more and the smell when I take the covering off is just disgusting. I don’t know when I will have the money to go to the Dr. to have it looked at. I do know I wont go to a free clinic for any reason whatsoever.

Tis the season

• Posted by Kengi on December 23, 2007 at 10:56pm
• 

Its December 23, 2007 the day before Christmas Eve. This use to be one of the best times of year for me. If I were still living in New York I would be getting ready to head back to California to see my family and friends or I might be getting ready to cook for an event in new York and not make the trek home. If I were in San Francisco, I would be out with friends or cooking for some Christmas party there. When I lived there in the Bay Area I really didn’t go home all that much. I guess I wasn’t as home sick as I was when I lived in New York.

This year is very different. I don’t know what I am doing or where I will be. I mean I am house sitting for Kimarie, but other then this I don’t have a clue as to what I will be doing. I do know there will be no presents under any tree with my name on them, nor will many people stop to wonder how I am or if I am ok.

Yeah this Christmas will be very different from the ones I use to know. It seems like it was such a long time ago, but it was simply 12 months ago. As a kid I remember singing in Chorus at school. I was a Madrigal Singer and I was also in band and orchestra. I also sang in the choir at church as well. By this time of year I would have already sang in at least 5 concerts and sang at least that many solos. It was a cool time in my life.

I remember my first Christmas away from home. I got some home sick, but I couldn’t come home because I was working and I didn’t have the money for a ticket. By the time I really wanted to come home it was far too late to ask my parents for the money to come home. Plus by the time I got there I would have missed all the fun stuff of the season.

Ma’s birthday is the day after Christmas, so I am sure I will call her to say Happy Birthday to her. I am sure she will be busy with all her grandchildren and great grandchildren as well as my brothers and sisters to even notice that I am not there. So a phone call to her will do just fine. Most times when I call her she is in a bad mood or is too busy with things there in her house to even talk so the call only lasts for a short time. Like 5 minutes or so. Who knows maybe I won’t call. At least that way I will save myself from the heart break of her acting like she doesn’t even want to here my voice.

As a kid and early parts of my adult life Ma was my world. She meant everything to me. But I guess in some goofy way we out grew one another and things just haven’t been the same. When I see her we still laugh and talk, but we seem more like friends of friends of friends then when do mother and son. I miss her so much. I miss the advice and calming way she use to have with me. I know many people wonder why I don’t turn to her now that I am in the situation I am in now, but I know it will only make things far worse between us and right now I don’t want to have yet another person walk out of my life because I am homeless and in need of help. I also don’t want to let her down. I know she had such high hopes for all her children and she and I use to talk in great detail about the awesome doctor, lawyer or little Politian I would one day be. We never talked about me being some stranger with no pot to piss in.

I know there are many people who have far greater problems in their life then I have in mine. I should be happy for the fact that I don have people that will allow me to stay with them, drive their cars and eat at their table. Please don’t get me wrong. I know I am truly blessed by the people I have in my life and I am very thankful for them, but I really miss my family right now and I wish I could see them. This was one of the many things I wanted to do over this holiday season with some of the money I made from working. I wanted to see my family. Have dinner with them and feel like my life was normal again. I wanted to go on a road trip with my friend Brian and just have things be right.

My birthday was the worse one yet and this Christmas will suck ass too. I am trying very hard to see the bright side of things and I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook on things, but it’s very hard to be positive and happy when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from or how you will pay to get on the bus. It’s very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there is so much fucking darkness around me. Each day my smile is feeling more forced and fake. I don’t want to get up. I have no desire to do anything or go any place. I don’t like being like this, so I try very hard to force myself to get up and do things, but I get more depressed when I cant even afford to get a newspaper, when I cant even call a friend and invite them to dinner.

I am so depressed right now because all I can offer Brian for all that he has done for me is “Thanks Brian” I feel so worthless and so useless. I sometimes talk with other friends who know fully my situation and they act as if I am living the high life at some resort some place. They never ask how I am feeling or if I am doing ok. The last time I spoke with my friend Natalie, she asked me if I had taken something from Steven. I felt so hurt that she said this to me. But at least now I know how and what she thinks of me. I know she really didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, she was just being who she is, but it hurt just the same and it has been very hard for me to bring myself to call her or talk to her since she said this.

This is supposed to be the best time of year for all of us, but I know there are people who feel just like I do and some that feel even worse. I know that many homeless people and others will take their own life because of the feelings they have inside of them. I know people will feel like they just have no other choice so they kill themselves. I pray each and every night that I will not get to this point. I love my life and I love all that it has to offer, but things are getting harder with each passing day and I am finding it harder and harder to hang on and hold out. But I won’t let something like killing myself convince me that this is the only way to make things better. I am a strong person and my mind is sound and I know, trust and believe that I will make it through this very dark part of my life. All I am saying is that it is very hard and I wish to God that things would just get better not really soon, but RIGHT NOW.

I am so tired of crying late at night. I am so tired of working my ass off for only to get further in the hole. I am tired of being treated like I don’t count simply because I am homeless. I am tired of people acting like I have done something to them because I have asked for some clean clothes. I am tired of the pain in my body, all over my body. I am tired of not having a place to call MINE.

It’s a bit passed 10:30PM. Brain dropped me off at Kimarie’s a long time ago. She is sleeping like an angel.So peaceful and at rest. She treated me to clam chowder tonight at the Galley on Main Street in Santa Monica. As always we had some great conversation and she made me feel at ease. I got an email from Sarah not long ago and she too made me feel a bit better.

Brian, I just cant thank you enough for all the love and friendship you showed me these past few days. Thanks so very much for putting up with me and taking care of me. making sure I got rest and making certain I ate and had some fun. You so rock and I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Kimarie and Sarah, you two already know how I feel about you. Kimarie, my QUEEN who always moves mountains to come pertect me and save me. I will always love you and I will always have this huge amount of respect and joy in my space for you. Sarah, who would have thought that you would be the one to rescue me. Funny as shit huh. You rock the spot Sarah. now pay the house BIOTCH!!!!!!!

Getting break to see my family

• Posted by Kengi on December 24, 2007 at 5:23pm
• I shot a video today and at first I didnt think i would be able to go see my family because I didnt want to spend the little money i had on gas and then not have any. But someone sent my a B-Day Card with a little cash in it and told me to enjoy my B-day and the holiday with my family. It is now 5:18PM and i am about to jump in the car and head about an hour outside of LA to be with my family. I am driving to my brothers.

  I just got an text message from Kimarie and she made it safe. Christina is safe at home in Ohio with her family as well and Cat is safe and sound with her family. So now i am on my way. I ave checked to make sure the animals are happy and safe and i am happy to head to my families.

  Please check out my new Video that is here on my page. You can also search for kengikat on youtube as well as google video to check out all my videos.

  Merry Chrsitmas

Very Cool Holiday..two new videos

• Posted by Kengi on December 26, 2007 at 4:29pm
• 
• Ok So I got to spend the Christmas with my family. Man was this nice. It was so nice to be able to be at home with people I know love me and care for me. My little brother and sister were there so it was very cool to be able to spend some time with them as well. Asia and I shot two videos. One is currently on youtube and there is another new video on Google Video.

  You can check out both videos here on my ning page by going to the video section. IU hope everyone has had a great Christmas

  Be Blessed

My day was filled with looking for work and then some time for me

• Posted by Kengi on December 27, 2007 at 6:04pm

Today was a day filled with trying with all my heart to find a job and a place to crash. I filled out a bunch of application and sent out over 70 online resumes. I also had a trip to the dentist. I had to call them first because as you know I made some money to pay for my medical but I don’t have money for the co-pay or money for any meds that might be prescribed. This really sucks because three times I had to go to the Dr and ask that they please allow me to pay later once I got paid from the catering gig I was working. They said that would be fine, but then Steven who told me to do this never paid me my last two weeks of working for him, nor did he pay me back the money that I spent out of my own pocket getting things for the catering gig that he should have been buying.

Anyway my dentist said it would be cool to come in and to pay when I could. They said they fully understand what I am going through and will work with me until things get better. I did offer to do some work around the office to help offset some of the cost of my visit today. They told me that wouldn’t be necessary.

I ended the day, well at least the daylight hours with a trip to Point Dune National Preserve. It’s this really cool area right at the beach that has some mountain side hiking and climbing. While it was cold today, it was very clear and I was able to take some pretty cool pictures and I shot two videos while I was there.

I am uploading them to youtube and google video right now. They will be here on my ning blog soon.

Tomorrow I have to get Kimarie at the airport at some point and then I’ve been invited to hang out with my friend Sarah. She has offered to take me to Target to get a new pair of pants and some other items to help me out.

Depressed

• Posted by Kengi on December 27, 2007 at 7:25pm
• 
• Who am I fooling? Things are getting worse and I am getting further and further behind the 8 ball. I am sending out resumes all day everyday. Sometimes until well after midnight and I am not getting any replies. Well the ones i do get are just to tell me that they’ve gotten my email. others tell me i am not what they are looking for.

  I was supposed to house sit for someone while they were out of town for 5 days and this would carry me until Kimarei left town again, but i just got an email that they had a change of plans and will not need me to after all. So now I have to find a place to stay until Kimarie leaves town again on the 2nd.

  its been really cold here in LA and I dont have the clothes nor do i have the energy to sleep outside. The shelters in downtown are full and they have this bad flu bug down there and people have been getting robbed and mugged. I dont have the energy to fight anyone for my things, so I know i will be sleeping outside some place. At least with the new law I wont be bothered by the police.

  I saw a fried today who I met right when i became homeless and he didnt look or sound good. he said he had just given up. i dont want to end up like him, but it sure feels like i am on my way to being just like him. I am tired of this and so sick of working my ass off for people only to have them not pay me or cheat me out of money. This fuckin sucks.

Friends always save the day

• Posted by Kengi on December 29, 2007 at 12:00pm
• 
• WOW, what a difference two great friends make. Yesterday I was really concerned about having to sleep at the cold weather shelter here in Los Angeles. As i posted in my blog I had gotten very sick there the last time i had to stay there. Well my friends Sarah and Kimarie once again saved the day for me. You two rock.

  I was supposed to house sit for this couple that was going out of town until the 2nd of January. Then I would house sit for my friend Kimarie while she is in New York until after the 8th of January. Well the first gig fell through and I had to find a place to crash. All my friends were unable to put me up. They either had people in town or were out of town themselves. So I had to think about the cold weather shelters.

  Kimarie came back into town yesterday and I had to pick her up at the airport. Things were kind of crazy there. She had to change flights and American Airlines lost her bangs. So we were at the airport an hour after she landed. We never got her bag. She was hungry and asked.

  “Do you wanna get some Clam Chowder?”

  “I’d love some Clam Chowder” I replied

  However when we got to the Galley (a great place to eat on main Street in Santa Monica.) it was closed. We went across the street to have SUSHI. YUMMY is all i can say. We went to YOSE. All I can say is that the food was AMAZING. The best Sushi I have ever had.

  I hung with Kimarie for a while and then my friend Sarah picked me up and took me to Target to get some pants and a shirt for a B-Day and Christmas present. how very cool was this. The one pair of pants i have are starting to fall apart, so i was in need of some new pants. I hung out with Sarah for a while. We had a few beers at out favorite bar THE BRIG in Venice and my favorite Bartender was there as well. Kasey.

  By this point it was too late to get on the bus for the shelter. i had to be in line for the bus at 4PM. They dont allow you to walk into the shelter. You have to ride the bus going to and leaving the shelter. the only pick up time was 5:00PM. While I was with Sarah we sort of came up with the plan that I could sleep in the back seat of her car. She is pretty much in the same boat I am in. Only I am am in the end of the boat that is pretty much under water.

  “We’ll figure something out Kengi” She says

  “Yeah, but it will be cold in the back seat of the car.”

  “I can leave you the key and you can turn the engine on from time to time to warm it up in here. I have these blankets here too.” She says in a reassuring voice.

  Sarah has this way of making feel at ease about my situation. She currently lives with her father and step mother. She I would be unable to stay with her. If she had her own place i know there would be no question about crashing with her until i could get up on my feet again.

  After a while I sent a text to Kimarie asking if i could crash for another night with her.

  “Of course you can. Kengi, you may as well stay until I get back from New York.” was her reply

  So I hung out with Sarah a little longer. She took me to get something to eat and then I headed back to Kimarie’s studio.

  I get up this morning and Kimarie being the angel from God that she is offers to help me by allowing me to run some errands fro her and do a few things in the office. This would put some cash in my pocket. AWESOME.

  Just when it seems I am about to take another plunge God sends someone my way which I take as a sign to just hold on and keep my head as high as I can.

  The moral of this blog is that I have some really awesome people in my life. people who love and care a great deal from me and will move mountains to help me get back on my feet and keep me encouraged.

Sickle cell, Cancer and Homelessness

• Posted by Kengi on December 29, 2007 at 4:46pm
• 
• 
• The hardest thing about being homeless is the fact that I am sick. At times I am very sick. I have Sickle Cell and i am also a Cancer patient. I have cancer in one of my kidneys and in my Liver. I have had to go through treatments for my cancer while I am homeless.

  I recall back in February when I was in the West LA Cold Weather Shelter right after I had done a treatment. I was so sick. The bus driver didnt want to let me get on the bus because I was so sick. I was able to get the fact that i was vomiting all over the place under control long enough to ride slow long bumpy ride to the shelter. Most of the time I had to force myself to swallow my own vomit or risk being thrown off the bus.

The same took place while I was inside the shelter. I was told by workers at the shelter

“We will throw you out if you don’t stop throwing up” I was told by Brenda

” I am a cancer patient and I just had my treatment today.” I replied

“I don’t give a damn what you had done today. You cant be sick in here. not tonight on my shift. I don’t want o deal with this shit tonight.” she told me.

“Leave him alone. He is very sick. He isn’t bothering you and we are trying to help him.” Someone near me said.

“You shut up. I aint talking to you and If you say something else you can leave with him. Since you his nurse.” Brenda said.

This went on for a while and in this time I began to swallow my own vomit again so I would not get thrown out of the shelter
I have been in lots of pain with my Sickle Cell since i became homeless in February. Some days more then others. There are times when I am in so much pain that I cant even stand. My feet hurt so much it kills me to stand on them. I have no energy to move, much less get off the cot I have tried with no success to find rest or sleep on.

There was a time i got really sick from doing my cancer treatment and then having my Sickle Cell kick into high gear on the beach on Santa Monica. Someone called the police and they treated me like I was high on drugs. They yelled and acted like I was some sort of criminal who had just killed someone. I was able to get one of them to go into my backpack to get my papers from the hospital out and they then called for the paramedic. I was able to get my Sickle Cell under control by the time they arrived. They took my vitals and made sure I was fine before they left me there.

“Buddy, you should really try to find a place to get some rest. Your body needs to to rest and heal itself. You being out here on the beach is no place for you to be right now. If we have to come back again, we will arrest you.” one of the officers told me

“Arrest me for being sick?” I asked

“Yes and for your own safety.” another officer replied

“Oh yeah. Jail is a great place for me to get some rest, heal my body and be safe. get away from me.” I snapped.

There were days I would ride the train from Downtown LA to Long Beach back and fourth just so i could get some rest. One conductor let me ride her entire shift and she informed the next conductor of who I was.
I was able to ride the train for over 10 hours so I could rest.

However there have been times I wasn’t so lucky. There were times when I had to sleep in the park until the police told me to move on or at the library until the staff told me to leave. Then there were times when my friends like Kimarie, Brian, Sarah and others provided a safe place for me to get some rest.

Today my Sickle Cell is causing me a great deal of pain. It has been for over two weeks now. I am unable to keep my appointment for my treatments next week because I was fired from a catering company I was working for and they didn’t pay me my last two weeks of pay. I am unable to pay the office visit. I have been doing my best to find work so that i can at least pay for my office visit.

Being homeless while dealing with my cancer and sickle cell is really depressing and at times I cant help but to cry because that is all I can do. As I have said before and I also say in my videos I am doing and trying my best to stay positive and keep a great outlook on things. however at times I do find myself just wanting to throw in the towel. I get tired, very tired and in the times that I am alone and all by myself is when I feel the worst.

Stand Tall

// April 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS

I use to dread the visits to go see my HIV doctor, I knew I would leave there even more confused and lost then when I walked through the door. I also knew there would be no point in asking questions about my labs or anything else because I would never get answers because my doctor was always far too busy to take time to do things like this.

I remember when I had the Staph Infection and he told me

“You have got to do a better job at cleaning this”

“I do the best I can. Have you forgotten that I am homeless and this Staph Infection is in an area I can not see?”

He just looked at me like I had said something wrong. Later it would be this same doctor who would stand in the way to me getting housing which would end homelessness. When I think of what I had to deal with since I was diagnosed my heart sinks for all the people who are too afraid to speak up for themselves because this would mean the lousy care they are already getting would get worse.

Thankfully all the disrespect, hurt, shame, headache and stress of being HIV positive with less then lousy care is behind me because I now have a great doctor backed by the awesome staff of a great clinic. Thanks to this doctor and clinic homelessness came to an end after 29 long months. HIV is no longer something that I wake up from with nightmares of being at my own funeral and watching my friends cry because I was dead because of access to care. HIV is no longer something that I am stressed about, in fact besides doing the community work that I do with people who are HIV positive or have AIDS, it no longer is something that dogs my mind day in and day out.

A few weeks ago I went in for my HIV labs and I had no concern, Tuesday, April 13, 2010 I went in to get the results of the HIV labs and once again I am in a really awesome place. My t-cells remain very high and my viral load is still very low. I had the chance to ask my doctor a few questions about HIV meds and all the new debate and discussion as to when someone should start meds. It was so reassuring to hear her say that my HIV care is based on my medical history and how my body is doing against HIV. It was so cool to once again hear her say that she isn’t concerned about me starting meds, she just wants to help me remain healthy.

Even with all the stress that was in my life, my body has done an awesome job at defending itself against HIV without the assistant of HIV meds. It’s great to have a doctor who is willing to allow my body to do its job. It is also nice to know that when and if the time comes for me to start HIV meds it will be something she and I will sit down and talk about. I’ve heard many people say how their doctors had already picked out meds they would start, but when I asked my doctor she told me it was something we would discuss and we would come to a decision together.

I’ve heard and even read so many people say, just do what you doctor says and do not question it, I’ve also heard people say that ASO’s are the only place to get sound advice about HIV and AIDS. From experience of being sick since birth with Sickle Cell and my battles with cancer, I know that simply taking advice and not asking questions or even asking if there is another way, is not something that I would consider to be very wise. I certainly don’t put a great deal of trust, nor do I have a great deal of respect for ASO’s and this is also true for my local Gay and Lesbian Center. I feel this way because when I turned to these places for support, answers and even education, they failed more then 95% of the time. Now this isn’t to say that I have not met and have a huge amount of respect for a few people who work at such places, however it has been my experience that these places don’t always do the great jobs they would have us believe they do. Furthermore I know plenty of people who share my feelings about ASO’s and the local Gay and Lesbian Center.

So what do you do when the places you are told to turn to for support are the very places that cause so much hurt and harm. What do you do when you’ve done all you can? What do you do when you don’t trust the doctor or clinic where you “care”, for lack of a better word is administered? Who can you turn to when the system in place is failing you?

First of all you don’t give up and certainly do not settle simply because you are homeless or poor and told that this is your only option. You hold on and work as hold as you can to find another place that will respect you, that will offer you complete care and treat you like a human. You keep believing in yourself and your ability to weather the storm that is before you. You demand care that you are entitled to and you do not rest until you get it. If this upsets people and causes them to say you are a “trouble maker” and say things like you think you’re too good and “who do you think you are” you look them dead in their eyes and tell them exactly who you are. You tell them that you are their patient and you are holding them accountable for your care. You tell that case manager that you don’t care how heavy their case load is……”do your job” Don’t ever allow anyone…..and I mean anyone……including yourself tell you that you don’t deserve the best care regardless of your ability to pay.

You stick you chest out, square your shoulders and dig in your heals. You stand firm in making certain that they live up to their oath “first do no harm” you hold them accountable for for everything thing they told you they would provide regardless of how heavy their case load is. You hold them accountable for every federal dollar, every single private dollar they receive as if it came from your pocket and you don’t give up.

Being sick is stressful enough and you should not have to deal with any added stress, headache, hurt, harm or pain for the very people who are supposed to be helping you.

I am in a place where my doctor is awesome, my clinic is awesome, but there are people who don’t share the same feelings that I now have about my HIV care. There are people struggling through a system that is designed to cause setbacks, hurt, harm, pain and even death and I will not rest until it is fixed. I will not rest until studies are conducted fairly and accurately and I will not rest until places that get federal funding are held accountable for such funding. I will not rest until patient care becomes more important then how much the Executive Officer is paid. I will not rest until budget cuts that affect people who are suffering first include deep cuts for people being paid outrageous amounts of money for no real reason.

HUMANITY most always come before politics and certainly before the narrow minded thinking and stigma of “community”

I refused to give up on me, despite all that was encouraging me to do so and I  refuse to give up on people that this nation has given up on simply because they are homeless and poor battling HIV or AIDS.

Dogs are AWESOME

// April 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals

I cant even begin to tell you how much I have really loved having a dog in my life again, furthermore I cant begin to tell you how awesome it has been to have Dodger in my life. He is such an amazing dog with a cool personality that you can’t help but love.

Dodger is a rescue and I know if he could talk he would say I am a rescue too and in many ways that is  just what he has does for me each and every day. But more then this Dodger has really helped me to let go of some things in my life, so hard things that I have had deep down inside of me. Things that I could not deal with while being homeless on the streets. I know plenty of people told me to trust them and that it was ok for me to break down and cry when I was homeless, but I knew better.

Dodger has been the buddy who welcomes me home with love and kisses each and everyday. He is is friend who wakes me up when my alarm has been going off for too long. When I am able to take my afternoon naps he makes sure my side of the bed is warm for me. He has also been a huge part of my health and well being. Since having him in my life I have lost 15 pounds and I am sure there will be more pounds to shave off because we are now walking at least three times a day.

The coolest thing about Dodger has been I love the fact that I am able to take him on the outreaches with me. This past weekend I had the huge pleasure of introducing him to my friend Judy, a homeless woman in her mid 60’s. I have to be careful when I take Dodger with on the outreaches because he tends to get very protective of me when I am reaching into my backpack or getting something out of the carry sacks I have with me. Should anyone make a move that Dodger views as harmful, then he is in “protect” mode. However this is not the case all the time and this certainly was not the case with Judy. Dodger loved her and she loved him. She calls him my son.

Many have asked where I got Dodger, well I am only happy to tell you that I got hi from an awesome organization called Animal Advocate Alliance and the way I found them was rather funny. I was looking for dogs online and I happened upon this one add that caught my eye, this was the last attempt for me because the rest had turned out to be scams or just people I did not trust. Well this add led me to the greatest dog in the world.

Animal Advocates Alliance is a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation dedicated to promoting the humane treatment of animals through legal advocacy, effecting social change through community education initiatives, and support of animal rescue organizations. AAA rescues animals from city and county shelters, provides necessary veterinary care, and places the animals in safe and loving homes. Many of these animals have been neglected, suffered mental and/or physical abuse, or have physical injuries requiring surgery and rehabilitation. Our organization also works in tandem with other humane groups to promote spay/neuter education and to expose pet stores that sell animals from puppy mills. Additionally, AAA engages in legal advocacy to support animal welfare legislation and facilitate the aggressive prosecution of perpetrators of animal abuse under anti-cruelty statutes, including California Penal Code § 597.

This organization is truly awesome and it has been so cool to be able to volunteer for twice for their pet adoptions at Pan Pacific Park which is very close to my home. Being able to do this has been pretty cool for me. However the two times I have done this I always want to take one of them home with me.

So if you guys live in the LA area and are looking for an awesome dog, then this is the place. The have pet adoptions all the time and work very close with the Baldwin Park Animal Shelter. Please be sure to check their website for complete details on the awesome pets and all the pet adoptions. There are also really cool volunteer opportunities as well.

http://animaladvocatesalliance.org/

Kick Start Meals

// April 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Homeless Outreach

It’s Sunday night and it’s raining pretty hard outside, since I love the rain, it’s really a fitting way to end what has been a great week and an awesome weekend. I know most people would not think rain would be a cool or “fitting” way to end a good week and weekend, but what do they know right?

All week I made sure I spent plenty of time with my little buddy Dodger (my dog) and I also worked pretty hard to get things all lined up and in order for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach that takes place on the 21st of this month. There are still some things I need to get into place, but if they don’t happen the main part of the outreach is set. I sometimes get really upset when I am forced to depend on others to do things for my outreaches and when they don’t follow through things can sometimes not happen the way I have planned them, but Nana use to say “one monkey don’t stop no show, but a family of monkeys will certainly cause a problem for you.” I guess what she was saying is to never allow one person to prevent things for taking place and even when the one person has a whole bunch of people with them, still do not allow them to prevent things from taking place.

April 3, 2008 is when I was told I was HIV positive….wow so much has taken place in my life in two years, but as far as HIV isconcerned the most important things are the facts that I am no longer homeless and I now have a great doctor with a awesome support staff and these two things have made HIV no longer something I am worried or concerned about. What a difference having a great team makes.

The start to my weekend was getting an email letter me know that I was “font page news” on the AIDS Beacon (http://www.aidsbeacon.com/ ) About two months, maybe less I did this interview with a lady named Nora from the AIDS Beacon, this was around the time I did an interview with HIV Plus Magazine. I was really disappointed with the interview and the way the article in HIV Plus came out. Furthermore being told that the interview was “last minute” and “rushed” should have been an indication that they truly were not interested me, my work or my story. However this was not the case with Nora and the AIDS Beacon. From start to finish Nora and the AIDS Beacon were very professional and the article is great. During the process I also had the chance to exchange emails with Stephen from the AIDS Beacon and just like  Nora has was cool. The entire experience was awesome and I am so happy I said YES……in fact I am proud to have said YES to the interview. Some good did come from the HIV Plus interview though, because now I know what questions to ask and when red flags come up, this is a sign not to say yes or to be so trusting.

I have received many comments on the article on the AIDS Beacon, both online and in person. I had no idea that so many people are even taking notice of my blog. So I guess this just goes to show you that you can’t measure anything by the number of comments you get on your blog. Over the weekend so many people sent me messages of support and while I was out on Saturday and Sunday a few people came up to me to congratulate me on the article and to tell me how inspiring I am. I am always humbled and moved by the nice things people say or comment to me.

Saturday was huge for my Do Something Saturday outreach, I was able to do two feeding for homeless people, breakfast in Hollywood and lunch in the Fairfax District of Los Angeles. This was really cool because I was able to be on my TREK Mountain Bike while pulling my CROOZER Trailer. It was so cool to be on my bike. It’s been sometime since I have been able to do an outreach on my bike while pulling the trailer.

To get ready for the outreach I needed to go shopping and this meant a trip to the 99 Cent Only Stores and Food 4 Less. Both stores are the main places I get supplies for the feeding outreaches as well as most other outreaches. They allow me to get things at a lower price and not have to cut corners on quality. Having been through 29 months of homeless where the choice was eat less then desirable food or nothing at all. There were even times when I would eat food from a trash can because this food was better then what was served at the access center or shelter. Pretty sad state when a trash can has better food then the places I had to turn to for help.

The menu for the weekend was a pancake breakfast with sausage and scrambled eggs and lunch was a smoked turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with lettuce, tomato and cheese with potato salad and a slice of pound cake. The food was supplied to two people who have decided to support my food outreach for the next year. Because of this, so far I have been able to feed over 100 people through their donations.

As always passing out the meals was awesome and now I am able to take Dodger with me and this makes it even better. Dodger is almost like my conversation starter when I approach homeless people, he seems to make them feel at ease which is cool because then I can offer them a meal or even supplies because they feel safe. One of the biggest things I have come across in helping homeless people in the fact that many of them are not trusting of people they don’t know walking up offering things like meals or hygiene items. Rightfully, because people can sometimes be very mean and nasty towards homeless people.

It took me about an hour and half to prepare the breakfast, but only about 15 minutes to pass it all out while walking around my neighborhood. The cool thing is that there is a church near me that provides daily meals to homeless people so many of the meals can be passed out near there. Even though they offer the service at the church, what I have learned is that many times this isn’t enough. So for those of you who think that giving two meals to a homeless people is too much, let me ask you how many times are you eating throughout the day? Don’t you have at least two meals a day? In the three years I have been doing my outreach and from being homeless myself I have learned that homeless people will not take what they don’t need and this was true while passing out the meals as well. Many homeless people said they were full, but did tell me where I could find other homeless people who may not have had a meal or may still be hungry.

Lunch took a bit longer to prepare, but once it was done and loaded in the containers I was on my bike pulling the trailer headed for the Fairfax District. Along the way I saw some really cool signs that a local biking group has been posting all over the city in order to get driver to share the road with people in bikes. I know organizations are working very hard to get Los Angeles to work to make the road safe for people who bikes, but as with anything when it comes to government there is plenty of red tape and road blocks. I am always encouraged by people who simply refuse to allow the wheels of CHANGE to move forwards slower then that of a snail.

Another cool thing about Saturday was the fact that three social work students from USC came out to speak with Judy and listen to her story. They even got her lunch as well as some hygiene items. Judy was awesome and so happy to be able to speak to the students and for me it was awesome to be able to allow Judy to share he colorful story with someone other then me.

After finishing up with Judy, I headed on my way to pass out the remaining lunches I had in the trailer. For a minutes I thought I was not going to be able to do this, because many of the homeless people I was encountering had already eaten, were simply untrusting of me or then there were those who were high and only interested in money to continue their high. In many ways I tend to understand why many homeless people get deeper into their addiction because of the harshness and lack of quality and respectful services out there. Furthermore people need to know they can trust someone before they just allow them to offer help to them. Someone recently said to me the lame excuse that many people are so good at saying “you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink” Well to this I say “Well the said horse should not have to be treated with shame or guilt or have to cross the Sahara to get to said water. Furthermore, maybe the horse does not trust that the person doing the leading will take them to the water that they need.”

I was finally able to pass out the remaining meals I had and since Meagan, one of the USC students gave me hygiene items I was also able to pass those out as well. I passed out the final meals just four blocks from where I live.

In all the Do Something Saturday outreaches where a complete success, I was able to offer high quality meals to people in need. I did it with love and respect and offered conversation and encouragement to people who are homeless. It always blows me away at home people react when they learn that I am not with some church, that I don’t force them to pray or believe what I believe. Moreover they all seem to smile when I tell them that I was once where they are, so I can understand as much as I can what it is like to not have access to healthy meals, that are nutritious and filling. The response is always the same from believers and non-believers….”Thank you” or “God bless you.”

Now I could sit home and act like I don’t see homeless people. I could say “when I have more time” or “just as soon as….” and even “I always want to do that but…” and no matter how I say it or express it, these are nothing more then excuses to do nothing and I refuse to allow to make excuses for not helping people in need. I refuse to say that “I am going to pray about this…..” only to find myself a year later still praying and waiting on God for an answer that he really has already provided…..just not the one that I like. I much rather spend my time working to help people in stead of sitting at home doing nothing other then making excuses as to why I can’t……won’t help.

My weekend was filled with helping people and it was all possible to by who spend a major part of their lives giving to others whoare in need, even those who give to animals who are in need. The end result for me is that with the help of the pretty awesome people in my life I am able to reach out and help homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS through my outreaches.

Awesome Thursday

// April 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Homeless Outreach

It’s 11:01PM and I could not have had a better day….well I guess I could have, but I am both thankful and blessed to have had this one. This past week has been nothing but awesome and each day God has shown me that I still have his favor. He has also given me clear answers and directions to keep doing the work that I have been allowed to create.

It seems whenever I get a message that my work is not worthy, God steps in and showers me with just how valuable and worthy my work truly is and how it is truly limitless. This week I had the chance to reconnect with Judy, through a student I met while speaking at USC and then someone from my YOUTUBE channel made it possible for me to help her with hygiene items and food. My secret Santa allowed me to provide her with a free cell phone for which I was able to add more minutes to through the kindness of the same awesome person from my YOUTUBE family.

Today once again through the people around me I have been able to reach out and help Judy once again, this time I was able to provide her with a bed roll that fills with just a little bit of air that will act as a pad to help her sleep as comfortable as she can while laying on the cold hard sidewalk. But it didn’t stop there, through the donation from two new friends and supporters in my life I was also able to provide her with a great meal, two big bottles of water as well as fresh fruit from Whole Foods.

In addition to all of this I was also able to put the final touches on the flier for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach that will take place onthe 21st in Downtown LA on Skid Row. After a year of asking and downright begging, I was able to once again make something happen for people who are in need all because of the support from someone who cares for me. The administrator of my HIV clinic put me in touch with someone I already knew, but had no way of contacting her. The event is set and the residents are very excited about it.

My day started pretty early. I got up took a shower, made some coffee and then took Dodger out for his morning walk. I then met with one of the girls form USC who needed to come by and get some close up shots of me for the project they are working on. It was so cool to meet with her and hear about the work they are doing. It is also cool because I will be able to put them in touch with Judy and maybe so this could mean someone will take notice and she wont have to live in the streets too much longer.

Before I left to see Judy I needed to run by the Hollywood Suit Outlet to get measure for a suit. My friend Natalie was getting me a suit to wear while I am in Washington DC for AIDS Watch. Just the fact that I was going to get a suit today was so very exciting for me. It has been a very long time since I have had a suit. When I learned I was going to Washington DC I went to get measure just to see where I was as far as suit size. I was floored by what I was told….I was over a size 60. I thought to myself “wow what the hell is wrong with you”

Right away I started hitting the gym and doing all I can to drop just two suit sizes, but I also wanted to really focus on my overall health as well. I mean how can I keep doing what I am doing with all this extra weight? I know people will read this blog and think “he must have high blood pressure  or really bad cholesterol and all sorts of other bad things. Well you are dead wrong. My pressure is great, no sign  sign of diabetes, heart disease or any of this. Since you’re thinking it, my cholesterol good and bad is perfect as well…….don’t let the smooth taste full ya ok.

However I want to make sure all this good health continues, so I make sure I am hitting the gym, walking with Dodger and watching what I am eating. I’ve added a multivitamin, vitamin C and D as well as a low dose aspirin to promote a healthy heart.

So has all this paid off? Yes it has!!! Not only do I feel better from all the changes, but when I went in for my suit today I am no longer a 60, but a 54 regular. The guy who worked with me today was so happy. He slapped me high five and was smiling way more then me. That felt great to see someone else as happy…..well maybe more happy about my health and weight loss then me and I am pretty damn happy.

I feel great and when I go to Washington DC, thanks to my friend Natalie I will be looking great. Not long ago someone told me that the universe was opening up for me and right away I asked God to keep me humble and thankful. I don’t ever want to think that this is all because I am so great or that I always do what is right, but because of his love, grace, mercy and favor he has for me.

I am so blessed to be where I am in my life right now and I am also so humble and thankful. Ma use to tell me “success comes from God. The kind of success that man can give you can be taken away at any time and man will always remind you of any mistakes you make. Let your success come from God”

I know I say this a great deal and I also type it a great deal as well….I love what I have created and I love what I do and the people I serve. I love the people who have embraced what I do and allow me to be of service to people who are homeless as well as people battling HIV and AIDS.

Through the kindness of people in my life I was able to attend the Inauguration of this nations first Black President. I remember how I felt to be able to not be see history, but have a front row seat. I recall the energy in the air, how people seemed to care for each other. How for a few moments this country was a great nation of Americans who care about each other. I remember how I wished that electric energy would go back with each and ever person to their corners of this country. I remember saying to myself “I will keep this energy alive in me”

When I came home and shared the trip with my friends all I wanted to do was give them some of that energy to them so that each of us could keep it alive. The cool things is this, when I look at people in my life, people I love and respect, people who work just as hard as I do for humanity I see and feel the energy I felt when I was on the National Mall. To be able to go on yet another trip to Washington DC is such a huge honor and is very humbling. being able to represent the voices of people who are poor, battling homelessness as well as HIV and AIDS is just so overwhelming for me. So again I am asking God for his grace, mercy and favor. I am asking him to allow me to be a vessel that will benefit those who are in need.

Love for Judy

// April 7th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Homeless Outreach

Last month I had the chance to speak with students in the School of Social Work at USC, this is the second year I have had the opportunity to speak to classes of a Professor Mischel and just like last year the students from her classes are really showing me that that future of social work is looking awesome.

The weekend before Easter two students from her class emailed and asked if they could film me for a project they are working on, it just so happened that the day they wanted to come was also the day we were putting together the Baskets of Love for low income children. Not only did the girls come by to do the interview of me, they also helped with getting the items ready for the baskets and they stayed for lunch after we were done.

Yesterday (Tuesday afternoon) I received an email from another student from the class and she too is working on a project for the class and wanted to know if I would be interested. The awesome thing about the email was the fact that she spoke with this homeless woman in the Fairfax district who mentioned my name. As it turn on the lady she was speaking of was Judy.

I met Judy back in 2007 when my friend Christina and I were out feeding homeless people. Jusy was in the alley near CBS with two other women and a third that would be there later. She was so nice and her smile was awesome. We chatted with them for a while and then we headed off to feed others. However there was just something about Judy that we both just loved. I made it a point to remain in contact with her.

2008 I had so much going on with me, homelessness was now over a year and in April I was diagnosed HIV positive, my outreaches nearly came to a stop, but whenever I had the strength to do one, I made sure I did just that. I many ways helping others took my mind off what was taking place in my own life. It provided an escape for the nightmare of homelessness and now HIV. My contact with Just was only about two or three times the entire year.

2009 was much different, I was able to recharge my outreach with the help of my two best friends Tina and Andy along with the support of new friends in my life like Eric, Willow, Patrick, Krystal, Ryan and Moina. There were also people from my social network as well as my YOUTUBE channel that were strong supporters of my efforts. With the gift on an awesome bike and then the purchase on my CROOZER Bike Trailer I was able to reconnect with Judy.

This time around through my stay in touch program I was able to give her a free cell phone so she could call me if she needed to and through donations from my friends and supports I was able to make sure she had plenty of hygiene items, as well as new and gently used clothes. Each time I would go visit with her I was also able to provide a great meal for her as well as other homeless people near her. She even was open to having a pen pal which was short lived because the people who volunteered to do it were flakes and only wrote Judy one time.

When my apartment became available I was so busy with all the things that I had to take care of in order to secure it and then I also had to stay on top of all the other things that people like my doctor, case manager and ASO should have taken care of, but this is a totally different story. The bottom line is that will all of this taking place I again lost contact with Judy.

I would ride my bike to the area where last saw her and each time there was no sign of Judy. I would ask other homeless people if they had seen her and no one would say anything. Which is normal because they didn’t know who I was and why I was asking about a homeless woman. For all they knew I could have been some cop coming to cart her off to jail or someone with nothing better to do other then bother homeless people. Even the homeless people who knew me and knew I was helping Judy acted like they didnt know who she was or what I was talking about. Even going into the local senior center where she would sometime get meals proved to be pointless. I was beginning to think that maybe she had found a place to live. I certainly would not allow myself to believe that something bad had happened to her. I continued to try to find her and even took Dodger on a few long walks in the area where she once was, but there was no sign of Judy.

I was so happy when I received the email about Judy. It was really cool because the email was really about the student wanting to ask me if I would be interested in speaking with her for the project. However for me it was more about Judy and how cool it was that someone I had just met at a speaking engagement was now in contact with the sweet lady I had been looking for since June of 2009.

We exchanged a few emails and then last night I got the final low down on where Judy was and she knew I was going to come see her today. I was so excited that I could barely sleep. To be honest I wanted to run right out last night and go see her, but I knew that would not have been a smart thing to do since she would be sleeping and I really needed to get some rest.

I walked over to one of the supply areas where I keep things for the Do Something and Life Kits and there were some things in there that I knew Judy could use. I just needed to pick up a few more things. This was made possible to my friend Everette who I met through my YOUTUBE channel. I grabbed her some items from the store and then came home to locate a cell phone for Judy.

I charged her phone overnight so it would have a full charge. I placed the sim card in the phone and programed my number into the phone and also her own number so she could remember it. I took a shower and in no time Dodger and I were walking to find Judy.

I found her very close to the area where the USC student said she would be, she was near three other homeless women, one named Maggie who I have met before and the other lady I had not met. Judy told me she was nice though. I asked how Maggie was doing and Judy told me she was fine. She also said that it was nice that they are near her, because this was she feels sort of safe because other people are around.

She was so happy to get all the items in the two large zip lock bags and when I told her I had a new phone for her her face just lit up. WOW, was it great to see that awesome smile of hers. Speaking of smiles she was so happy to meet Dodger. She called him my son. Dodger took such a huge liking to Judy as well. He was sitting in her lap and flashing his beautiful brown eyes at her. When someone walked near us he jumped in front of Judy as if he was there to protect her and begin to bark.

The next goal was to get her some food and like always I asked her what she wanted. She asked for pizza and I suggested something from whole foods. She smiled so big and said “Kengi, please dont for through any trouble for me” I told her it was no trouble at all. She then told me she would love some chicken and fresh fruits. I then walked over to Whole Foods and granted her request.

Dodger I am sat with Judy for a while, before I left I made sure she knew how to use her phone and I also checked the volume for her and made certain she knew how to set the volume as well. I was sad to leave her, but I have no other choice, but I am happy to know that she is safe and still smiling.

I want to extend my many thanks to my friend Everette who made it possible to buy many of the things for Judy and I was also able to add more minutes to her cell phone because of her kind act. With the rest of his donation I will make sure she has minutes on her phone and other items she may be in need of. I also want to thank my new friends and supporters Philip and Lee who allowed me to provide a healthy meal for Judy today. I was even able to provide enough for her to have dinner tonight.

To the student from USC, I want to express my deepest appreciation to you for taking the time to speak with Judy and show her some love and respect. I also want to say thanks for going back out to give her my message to let her know I was going to come see her today. Your kindness and efforts allowed me to reconnect with someone I really care a great deal for, it also allowed me to get her food, hygiene items, water and a cell phone through the kindness of my friends and supports. You are a fine example of what social work should do and how it can really impact in such a huge way.

As I finish this blog I am laughing because recently I was told that what I do is limited in that it only helps homeless people or people on Skid Row with HIV or AIDS, but since this ignorant perception of what I do and what I am able to accomplish and how I am able to serve many people……very well I might add, I have had things like that just took place with Judy unfold right before my eyes. For me this is a clear message that what I do matters, that it is without limits and even though the focus is homeless people or people with HIV and AIDS, the reach of what I do is far more, the people who benefit from what I have created is for more then homeless people like Judy or my brothers and sisters down on Skid Row battling HIV and AIDS.

My parents raised me to believe that LOVE has no limits, as long as I keep LOVE at the center of what I do, then it is always reach far beyond those that I serve, it will always empower, inspire and encourage people to move toward a more positive CHANGE that is not about “community” but HUMANITY.

I dont need some title or some position from man to make a difference in this world. All I need is LOVE and FAITH and the will, desire and courage. Ordinary people with FAITH can do extraordinary things.

Thanks to all of you who helped me “limited” outreach break through the limited minds of those who try to hold it back.