Stay-n-Touch…”Unpluggin’ HIV”

// May 5th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // HIV and AIDS

After taking the weekend and most of Monday for myself, Tuesday was a day to get back to the hard work of helping people and it began with an Unpluggin’ HIV outreach down on Skid Row.

If you are someone that reads my blog or watches my YOUTUBE channel then you know that I was homeless for 29 months here in Los Angeles. You also know that I had a pretty rough time navigating my way through the very tangled web of homelessness, and you also know that during this time I created my outreaches Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV.

One of the things that I do for both outreaches is to try very hard to keep people connected to services and one of the ways I do this is by giving out free prepaid cell phones. The cell phone outreach is now in it’s 3rd year and is going very well, thanks to the help of a supporter. With this I am able to simply identify someone who could use a cell phone, but does not have the means to pay the upfront cost of getting one and simply give it to them, loaded with minutes and ready to use.

Michael is one of the residents down on Skid Row that I help through my Unpluggin’ HIV outreaches in the building where he lives. Michael is a student and is working very hard toward on taking classes at a local community college that will help him land a great job in the medical field.

Last month when I did my outreach he asked if I could help him get a phone, since I knew I already had phones that are ready to be passed out, I said YES, however at the time I was getting ready to leave that weekend for my trip to Washington DC for AIDS Watch with AIDS Project Los Angeles. It was a very productive and successful trip. I asked Michael if I could deliver the phone on Tuesday. He said yes and I was able to do this for him.

When I was homeless things like my phone and laptop where my life lines and without them I know I would have had a much harder time getting through homelessness. Now many people feel that since I was homeless I should not have things like a cell phone or a laptop much less a digital camera. In fact many people, so social workers even told me that I should pawn them in order to get money. I not only refused to do this, I also refused the help they claimed to be offering.

Having something as basic as a cell phone allowed me to get my messages, call for jobs, call doctors to schedule medical appointments and keep in close contact with my case manager. It allowed me the right to advocate for myself and remain proactive in what was taking place in my life, so why anyone would even question why I had a cell phone was just beyond me. Having a cell phone, my laptop and even my digital camera made it impossible for people to simply ignore and forget me and people just like me. These things allowed me to be visible. Ultimately these things played keys roles in my survival through 29 months of homelessness and helped to end homelessness altogether for me.

Now Michael is not homeless, he lives in a great apartment and is doing all he can to make things better for himself. He is going to school and fully engaged in his HIV care and having a cell phone could make things just a little bit better for him.

I was happy to provide the phone for Michael and I am also looking forward to Michael sharing his story and experience in an upcoming interview on Conversations with Kengi.

My day ended with an HIV and AIDS update and full dinner presented byShelley and her awesome team from Gilead Sciences. My friend Franklin and I went to the event and we both walked away thinking. “Powerful information” I also am thinking about how I am going to plan something very much like the dinner we went to last night and gear it towards people who are hardest hit by HIV and AIDS.

I am sure I will be blogging out this more as I start to think and shape my idea and how I plan to do all I can to make a HUGE dent in HIV and AIDS as it relates to Blacks and Latinos.

AIDS Watch 2010

// May 2nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

Last week I had the awesome opportunity to to travel to Washington DC with AIDS Project Los Angeles for AIDS Watch which is put on by the National Association of People with AIDS. My former case manager, Tiana recommended me and after meeting with Phil, Elana and Aaron it was a done deal.

AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA) is  one of the oldest as well as largest HIV and AIDS organizations in the Southern California area. They offer a wide array of services from case management and housings  services to support groups and HIV testing. According to their website they are:   dedicated to improving the lives of people affected by HIV disease; reducing the incidence of HIV infection; and advocating for fair and effective HIV-related public policy.

According to the website information for the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA) they are: Advocates on behalf of all people living with HIV and AIDS in order to end the pandemic and the human suffering caused by HIV/AIDS.

NAPWA put on AIDS Watch and while their website has a pretty lengthy unclear definition as to what AIDS Watch actually is, please allow me to make it plain and simply. AIDS Watch is about advocacy. It is designed to allow people infected (consumers) with HIV or AIDS to share their real life stories with their Congressional leaders and their staff in a three day campaign in Washington DC that include one day of briefings, trainings and receptions and then two days of visits to Capitol Hill.

However it is more then just a chance for someone like me to share my experience, we were also there to ask for things that will allow us to continue to live happy and productive lives.

Support Health Care Reform

Support a National HIV and AIDS Strategy

Support Increased Funding for HIV and AIDS Programs

I must say that I had the huge advantage of traveling with the best teamaround, Phil, Elana, Aaron and Jason along with Valerie were not just very professional as well as knowledgeable, they were also awesome with making sure Thelma and I had plenty of time to speak with our leaders and share our stories and experiences as people living with AIDS and HIV.  However I also say this because in our training we were given this paper t help us shape what we were to say, we even watch some youtube videos as well. I one point I told Thelma “I know this channel. I’ve seen it before and I don’t think it is very effective.”

Even in the meeting where we were supposed to be doing some role playing on what to say once we were on Capitol Hill the leader of the Bay Area delegation seemed to have a different idea as to what our roles were. He seemed to ask us to tell less of our story and focus more on the three “asks” For some people in the group this posed a real problem because they were not even sure what actual statistics were or how they could speak to things they were not aware or for lack of a better word “educated” about.

This is when the expertise from our leader can in handy for all who were in the “role play” circle. He reminded us that AIDS Watch is a “consumer”  event and is about us being able to share our experiences with the programs and services we use. If we are able to make suggestions to improve such services or at the very least tie a successful service you’ve used into your story. At this point I felt good, because I was already planning to do what he was speaking about. I was not however prepared to quote fact sheets and things of this nature. I was leaving that up to the awesome tea that allowed me the chance to speak in the first place. After all this is what they were there for, it is what they do and very well I might add. Our jobs, in my opinion was to make the human connection.

As I have stated many times here on my blog and my vlog on youtube,sometimes people in “leadership” positions forget the fact that there are people greatly affected by how they lead and what they suggest as a remedy. One only has to look to the countless times I have had to endure the red tape of poor and I would even say ignorant planning of those who are supposed to be “leaders”

When someone like me speaks up about it, then I am a bad guy, because people like me are not supposed to complain or take issue with things since I was dealing with homelessness, and so much more. When you are on the bottom the very last things you should do is question things from the top.

For example when I complained about bed bugs, shit on the floor and toilet seats at the Russ Hotel on Skid Row, it was Irving Munroe who told me I had no right to complain and doing so is “backwards thinking” and people would say “who do he think he is?” I was also supposed to keep my mouth shut then while he was talking to me like I was less then the gum he stepped on coming into his office. According to him I was “out of line” The very next day he refused to allow me to move into permanent housing at the Rivers Hotel saying “I hope the Housing Authority and HOPWA will still work with you Mr. Carr.” He may have won that battle, but the war was far from over, I was not about to give up, just because he was the root of a filthy asshole.

After the morning training I joined Elana and others from the Bay Area on a trip to the executive offices in the Eisenhower Building, where I had the chance to speak in public comment and also have the chance to meet the Editor and Chef of POZ Magazine as well as other people from all over the country. The meeting was prettying interesting and the dialog was cool, but I was a bit taken back by Rosie Perez and her rude out bursts about people not respect her or giving this committee enough time to show what they can do. Can you say “Washed up Diva that never was?”

The afternoon ended with an awesome exchange with Elana and Valarie before we headed out into the rain to jump in a cab for the Rayburn Building for our evening reception and awards presentation. I was able to get some cool videos as well as pictures from this event. I was also able to video throughout the day as well.

The night ended with Thai Food in DC’s stylish DuPont Circle. I enjoyed anawesome dinner and conversation with Phil, Elana and Valarie. I was rather worn down and hungry as well. I was also starting to feel the slight pain of Sickle Cell and I also really needed to hydrate. We walked back to the hotel and I chatted for a bit with my friends in California and Texas and then took a shower made a video and went to bed.

The next morning I was up at 6AM, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of tea to get ready, do some prayer and medication to clear my space so that I was able to do a good job. I knew I had a full day, I also knew I would be running all over the Capitol Hill sharing my story and learning all that I could to better serve people with HIV and AIDS through my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach.

Two days of Capitol Hill visits was both exciting and exhausting. However I felt like such VIP because  Phil, Elana, Aaron, Jason and Valerie all made sure I was where I needed to be and that I had time to share my story as well as engage the people we spoke with. In fact while I was in Diane Watson’s Phil gave me the opportunity to speak directly about the outreaches I created, Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV. This is one of the many times while on the trip I felt so respected and that what I had to say was not just heard but welcomed. I dont think Phil or any of them knew just how much this trip meant to me and to be able to speak about the very things that I spend long hours on was so awesome.

Team APLA was awesome the entire trip, every question or concern I had the answered and addressed. They made certain I was comfortable and always asked how I was feeling and made sure I felt like I was a very vital part to the success of the trip. In speaking with some people from the Bay Area, I know I really had a team that cared about me and cared that I was fully engaged. Not only that I traveled with people who fully respected the work I try so hard to do and what I have to say.

Before leaving for DC, you may recall that I had my first major presentation for HIV and AIDS for my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach on Skid Row. I took a year to make it happen, but I simply refused to give up  on getting someone to do a labs presentation for the 40 residents. While I DC I had the chance to speak with Valarie and ask her if she would come down to Skid Row and speak to my outreach as well and for the first time without any effort I heard “YES” I was so excited to hear “yes” It sort of threw me off. I am use to hearing, “well why don’t you email me” and then never hear from them again and when I have the chance to see the person again, they act as if they don’t know me or what I am talking about.

More importantly I re-learned something I had known since I was a smallboy “If you want things to change, then you have to be willing to do the hard work it takes to change things. Many times you will be doing it alone”  My Ma told me this when I spoke for the first time before the Santa Monica~Malibu  Unified School District Board of Education when I was in 5th grade.

Over three years I have worked hard for people who are homeless, in fact I was homeless when I started, and its been over a year since I created my HIV and AIDS outreach, I’ve always only wanted to make things better for people who are suffering, by creating outreaches to work to restore and foster dignity, respect and positive touch to people where these things are often absent, to people who are often ignored. I spoke up for people who could not and even would not speak for themselves either out of fear or ignorance and this often made things much harder for me, but through it all I did my best to never give up, not walk away and not let myself and others down.

You see in 2007 I was told that my idea to create what I have was “stupid” and “foolish” I was even told that there would be “no way a homeless person could change anything or help anyone” Looking back I was also told that since I was Black and homeless that Skid Row was my only option, this came from Scott a the AIDS Service Center, he went on to tell me how “lucky” I should feel just talking with him. If I were to eat all the lies people tried to feed me I would have starved to death.

29 months of homelessness while battling Sickle Cell, Cancer and HIVshowed me exactly who I am and what I am capable of. With the home training my parents, grand parents and great grand parents instilled in me I never lost sight of me, I never allowed people to convince me that simply because I was no longer “big bank hank” that I no longer was worthy or that my ideas and contributions were no longer relevant. I never allowed that fact that I was homeless, without a penny, dirty as all get out many times, fist fighting for my things and the long nights I cried and longer days with no sun in the skies cause me to give up on me. I came into this world fighting for my life with Sickle Cell, my parents raised a fighter and someone who will never quit even when it seems the deck is so stacked against me. I will not give up, I will not walk away or throw in the towel.

April 3, 2008 when I was told I was HIV positive I cried not because I was afraid or that I thought I was going to die, but because I knew I had to get that out of the way because there would be no time for crying after this. Just like I have refused to allow Sickle Cell to control me and my life, I refused to allow cancer to control or take my life and in that moment I refused to become another Black man that dies from AIDS, I refused to be another statistic on some damn CDC report and I refused to sit by and allow this to be the fate of anyone else. I cried because I knew I had a fight on my hands.

There have been benefits throughout my struggles and I am so damnedproud of myself for not just getting through the “perfect storm” in my life, but for having the guts to create something so awesome that has reached Germany, Australia, the Philippines and many parts of this country. I am proud of who I am and what I have created, proud of what I stand for and proud that I did not break, I may seem a bit shattered at times, but far from broken. I may even seem be to struggling, but I will always make my way through. I may eve be troubled sometimes, but I will never be in despair. No matter how heavy the load I will never give up the fight.

The trip to AIDS Watch showed me just how very important it is to work hard while it is day, expecting nothing in return, it showed me that my labor has not be in vain. It showed me a side and people at APLA whom I have the utmost respect and admiration for. It showed me that HUMANITY must always come before community and before politics. It showed me that my “connection without bureaucracy”  approach to helping people really works.

For over a year now I have asked and begged people and organizations to help me get an art program as well as a a computer skills center down on Skid Row for people living with HIV and AIDS. I have begged for real programs that will help people lead more productive and abundant lives and I have been told “now is not the time” or “we dont have money for that” In the words of the late Dr. Height “If the time is not ripe, then we must ripen the time”

I am done waiting for CHANGE to happen, I am going to always LIVE the DREAM and BE the CHANGE.

Phil, Elana, Valarie, Aaron and Jason, thank you so much for allow me the huge honor that was both a blessing and very humbling for me to go to DC for AIDS Watch. I dont think you will ever fully know just how much this has meant to me. Moreover I dont think you will fully know how very awesome it felt to be treated with such respect, to have my voice heard and to offer my two cents. Thank you very much for showing me a side to APLA that is awesome, something that I Brian and Tiana have done so well.

I never thought my life would never take the turns it did and I never thought I would be doing what I am today, I am so thankful and blessed for the amazing journey my life has afforded me. Sounds silly I know, to be thankful for all the shit I’ve been through, but Ma use to tell me as a kid and even as an adult “to whom much is given, much is required”

There are things and people in my life that I will never forget, things andpeople that I will always hold dear to my heart and this trip and all of you are all of this and so much more, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for allowing my voice and the voices of others to be heard on Capitol Hill.

In close I was talking with a friend tonight and he looked at me and said “When you go to AIDS Watch again next year Kengi, you will once again raise your voice in support of those who are suffering and once again, just like always your voice will be heard loud and clear. Keep fighting the good fight brother.”

When I think of where I was this time last year, I can’t help but cry because the apartment I now live in was almost lost because someone refused to do their job, I was so lost with HIV and I didn’t trust my doctor nor the care for lack of a better work he was giving me. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night, but now I have my own apartment, an awesome dog, great friends, an HIV doctor and clinic that I trust and I’ve just come home from Capitol Hill. The tears falling right now are not from sadness, but tears of great joy.

THANK YOU

Old Blogs from 2009 (September 1-29)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

ME Day

• Posted by Kengi on September 1, 2009 at 1:30am

Today was my day and I am so glad I made this day all about me. If you’re keeping then you know I took all of the morning and good portion of the afternoon for myself. By the time I left for West LA to go hang out with my friends I made the choice to just take the entire day for myself. I packed my bag and got my bike ready to head down to West LA and I was even going to do something I had not done in over two months. Yep, it’s been two months since I have been down to the beach.

Now two months may not seem like a long time to many but for someone like me two days is a long time not to get down to the beach and I have been away for over two months. WOW, was it nice to just spend time on the beach with just me, myself and I. However I didnt get there right away. I hung out for a while and had lunch with Andy and his sister Ana. That was sweet, she is pretty funny and a damn good cook too. She made me a veggie burger, yes I said a veggie burger and I enjoyed it. Stop laughing!!

At around 6:30PM or so I made my way down to the beach. WOW, it felt so nice to be back on the West side and to be able to simply jump on my bike and be down at the beach in less then 15 minutes. I took my time getting down to the beach and when I got to 20th street I decided to take a detour and head down tot he church I grew up in. Calvary Baptist Church.

Calvary is the oldest Black church on the West side and is by far the largest Black church on the West side. It’s in Santa Monica and was built with a full educational center and a balcony which was not the norm for Black churches, but Calvary was not like any other Black church. As a kid growing up we called Calvary “the fashion show” because of all the high hats and high fashion that came through the double doors and many times the fashion came long after church had started.

Calvary was by far the church of choice for most Blacks from the Santa Monica and Venice areas. As a kid is was mostly people from Santa Monica and some families from Venice. Not too many people from other areas, but that’s not to say that people not from Santa Monica or Venice were not there. Back then Santa Monica was a sleepy town and people knew one another a far cry from what Santa Monica is today.

As a kid I recall the Evening Outlook which was Santa Monica’s newspaper, I even remember the Blue Bus or Big Blue as Blacks and Latinos called it was only 25 cents and 3rd Street was the only Mall Santa Monica knew of, there were coy ponds and people knew who their neighbors were. Santa Monica High was truly the Queen of the setting sun and for Home Coming there was a huge parade up Pico to the then very small Santa Monica College. The Viking Marching Band was the best band around and the Vikings were always on top of the Bay League. Yeah growing up in Santa Monica was cool and the people of Santa Monica were tops. Not at all like they are today.

As I rode my bike towards the beach I rode right by where A&W restaurant use to be, I recalled Lucy’s, All American Burger and Main street was a sleepy little street with Ma and Pop shops that were owned by residents who lived here, nothing at all like it is today. But I guess change is good right?

Once down to the beach I thought to myself no matter how much Santa Monica changes, no matter how much of the rich culture that use to call Santa Monica home and no matter how many people move here thinking they are the real Santa Monica I saw the most awesome sunset and I thought, with all the change the sunset remains the same.

While the sun was setting I made my way down to Venice and once again I noticed all the changes that have taken and are taken place down on the beach. A skate park is about to open, but one of the things that made Venice so cool was the roller skaters and the loud and cool music that they danced to, this has long been gone to make way for things that are more acceptable like a skate park, but again just like in Santa Monica I look out on the sand and I see what will never be changed, what will always be Venice, just like Santa Monica will always be Santa Monica. I saw the ending to an awesome sunset and surfers in the water enjoying the surf just like they did when I was a small kid growing up in Santa Monica bike riding down the bike trail to Venice beach to see my cousins and friends that lived there.

Just as I was about to leave and head back to my friends place I bumped into someone I have known pretty much my entire life, in fact it was no way we would not know each other because our parents went to Samohi together and our grandparents were even friends as well. So there was no way we could not have been friends.

Olivia’s family lived on Euclid, her family has lived in that same house for as long as I can remember and after talking with her today, they still live there and her grandparents still own the property on 19th street near Pico. I walked over to her and said hello and she smiled and jumped up just like we had never been out of touch. “Oh my God, Louis how are you doing? It is so good to see you. That smile is still the same as it has always been.”

I smiled back and said I am fine and we sat on the sand and spoke for a bit. She was married and has two three kids, but she is single now, well she is dating her childhood sweetie pie and like me she wishes how things never changed and how Santa Monica just isnt the same place we grew up in, but also like she now works a lot in the community and her singing in the church choir days are long gone, replaced with a love for humanity over community. She spoke about the community work she doesn and how she would not have it any other way. How she was happy with the work she created and could not wait to get back to New York to jump right back into what she now does.

She said she had heard all sorts of things about me from people we went to school with, but she said people that knew me and my family had nothing but nice things to say about me.

“Isnt it funny how some people will always be the same small minded people doing small minded things going through life doing nothing but the same old shit they did in school?” We both busted into laughter and I then started telling her about what I have been up to what I have been through and how things are for me right now. It was so cool laughing and talking with her and seeing what she has done with her life and how she gives back to humanity, how she cares very much in the same way as me and how today was a day for her.

She was in town for a family funeral and would be leaving on Thursday, but she gave me her cell phone and started to tell me her parents phone number and as she was doing so I quoted it to her and we both laughed. So much change around us, but certain things have remained the same. We talked for a bit more and then it was getting dark. I walked her to her car and we hugged each other and said how nice it was to see one another. She made me promise to stay in touch and in fact she has texted me twice to make certain I had her number.

I jumped back on my bike and headed back towards my friends place and I had this huge smile on my face as I rode past what will soon be the new Santa Monica Place Mall. Not because it will be a great mall or that I may or may not shop there,but because what the area means and holds for me. I recall the corner doughnut shop that was there, that served the best baked goods in town. I recall the green uniforms the staff wore and I recall how cool it was to sit up front at the counter and get Carnation Malts that only my grandma could make. The shop was owned by my grandparents. I rode past where Locke Dry Cleaners use to be that is now a loft buildings, old lady Johnson had a small candy store that is now a raw food place.

Once back at my friends place I smiled even bigger because I have tow awesome friends to share my memories with and they always seem to be all ears when I tell them how tings use to be here in Santa Monica. It’s cool how we share stories from our childhoods and how we grew up worlds apart but some things are just the same.

Today was a day for me and it was so nice to have time for me and take time out for me and recall what an awesome childhood I had in an awesome city. It’s cool to now know that I am sitting here looking at 40 and I am right where I am supposed to be, I know my folks would be so proud of me and what I have done with my life and I am so proud of the people I now have in my life to share it with. I love the friends that are truly my friends and people who are in my life because they love me and who I am.

As I prepare to go to call it a night and get ready to go to sleep I am at peace, my life is cool and I love where my life is right now.

Make the call and save lives.

• Posted by Kengi on September 1, 2009 at 9:55am

Community work and activism is nothing new for me, I recall the very first time I spoke out about things that would affect not just me, but people who came after me. I was in 5th grade and under prop 13 our school would no longer offer the 6th grade camping trip. This was such a huge deal for me and many of the kids who went to school at Will Rogers and Franklin. It was the time where we got to meet the pen pal we picked at the beginning of 6th grade and then at the end of the year we’d meet them at the 6th grade camping trip to Camp Canyon Meadows. Under Prop 13 my 6th grade year would be the last time that trip would take place. In class I asked if there was something I could do to help and later that month I spoke at the Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School Districts Board of Education meeting on the subject.

There has been so much in my private life that I’ve raised my voice for and spoke out to draw attention to, some people seem to think that this only happened when I became homeless here in the very place I grew up and love, but that isnt true at all. I’ve always had a strong love for humanity and I’ve always had a desire to be a voice for issues that affect people. Homelessness has only been a small part of a long journey of community work and activism that started when I was just a small kid.

I am HIV positive and I have no medical insurance, but the grace and favor of God I am not currently on any medications, my body is doing a great job defending itself against HIV, however thousands of people are not in the same bout as I, the need life saving medications that help them life longer, stronger, productive lives. Like me they depend on Ryan White funded clinics to allow them access to medical and support services. Without such things these people do not stand a chance against HIV or AIDS

Ryan White Funding is set to expire leaving thousands of men, women and children across this great nations with no where to turn, no where to go, no access to doctors and clinics, no access to life saving medications, but together as a unit, as a caring nation of people we can send a clear and loud message to our leaders, the people we employ, that they must not cut life saving funds to Ryan White. We can lift our voice right from out own private homes, apartments, campers, trailers, dorm rooms, offices or what have you and TELL not ask, but TELL our leaders, our employees that they must do the right thing and not allow Ryan White Funding to expire

I am asking you to do the right thing, make the call and ask your friends and families, loved one, co-workers, church members and all that you know to please make the call asking that Ryan White funding not be allowed to expire. It really doesnt matter who you are or where you live. HIV and AIDS affects all of us all the time every single day. So please do you part and make the call that will save lives, the lives of our friends, family, co-workers, the lives of our fellow countrymen.

As Americans we out pace the world when it comes to giving, we even out pace our own government, I am asking that once again we out pace our government and tell them to do the right thing. Our leaders dont know the right thing to do unless we tell them. Please make the call that will save lives.

SAVE THE DATE – 9/11 -MAKE THE CALLS – 9:11AM

On Sept. 11th, help get Ryan White funding extended past the September 30th sunset date. Ryan White funding helps provide life saving medications and other services for financially challenged HIV positive American men, women and children.

How to help: Starting at 9:11AM (Your time zone), call Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius and your members of Congress and ask them to extend Ryan White funding. If you get a busy signal due to high call volume, please call back. You will be speaking to a member of these officials’ staff and not the elected official themselves.

Please keep calls short and polite. After all, we are asking for their help.

To call Secretary of Health Kathleen Sebelius, call 1-202-690-7000

To call the White House switchboard and reach your members of Congress, call 1-202-224-3121.

If you do not know who your elected officials are go to: http://www.votesmart.org/index.htm

What a cool day of helping people

• Posted by Kengi on September 3, 2009 at 12:24am

The past two days have really been awesome. I am house sitting for my friends while they are away at Burning Man and this allows me some cool relax time near the beach. The one thing that has been very cool is the fact that I am able to bike ride on the beach. As I said in the other blog, it has been hard for me to get over to this side of town to get some beach time in and I really miss being able to go down to the beach and see an amazing sunset each night. That was also one major way I was able to unwind, relax and clear my space which is so very important for me. So this time down near the water is really going to be awesome.

Last night I got a call from my new friend Alison who is down sizing and wanted to donate some things to people in need. Because of her awesome donations I am able not only help a family in need, but I will also be able to help women with HIV or AIDS with the awesome clothing donations she gave. Plus I am will be able add an outreach to Shriners Hospital for children which I knew I wanted to do, but through her amazing donations I now able to not just think about doing an outreach to the hospital but really doing one. This is really awesome. So thanks to the Alison I am ale to help many people.

On top of the awesome clothes Alison gave she also gave some cool items that I was able to use to help a family who is in need of so much help right now. They have recently moved into a much better place which is a far cry from the place they were living in in Compton. The family told me how the place in Compton was unsafe and not very clean. They are super happy to be able to be in a place where their children are safe and things can start to heal for them.

The Hawkins family is far from out of the woods, they still need many things for their home. Pots and Pans and window coverings as well. The boys also need things like bedding for their beds and to be honest new twin mattresses would be a huge help for the family. I will do all I can to help this family move forward into the bright future that is in front of them. Not because I am so great but because it is the right thing to do to try to do all I can to help those who are in need.

It is very easy for anyone to just sit back and make sweeping judgments about people and how they now find themselves in the situations they are in. However it takes courage and great deal of humanity and love to reach within ones self to try to do all they can to help those in need and do so not looking for praise or anything else in return. Most times when people reach out to help there are always conditions and “cut off” or “I need to know” attached to the help that is offered.

I was able to visit with them and make a video of their new home and take a tour of the home with each of them talking about things they need and things that would make things a little easier for them. When I left the home of the Alex and Ranota and I had the feeling that things are stating to look up for this amazing family but I also know they still have a very long road in front of them, but I am sure they will be able to get through what has been a very hard time for them.

Once back in West LA I was able to jump on my bike and head down to the beach to take some time to clear my space and do some prayer and meditation with the sounds of the ocean and the peace of a dark quiet beach. The bike ride back home was just as relaxing and cool.

I wasn’t inside for more then 10 minutes when my cell phone started to ring with a number that I didnt know. Since I was going to use the rest of the evening to get ready to do some potting of some plants I was able to pick up for a great price I almost didnt answer it, but I am really happy I did because the conversation I had was awesome and once again I know the power of social networking and the good that can come from it.

The caller was from someone who has been watching my youtube channel and is now on my friends list on FACEBOOK and also on POZIAM. He has been very supportive and his comments have always been very nice. He reached out to me to offer me his number when I was dumped by the guy I was dating. His message was very cool and while I didn’t call him I also gave him my number and told him to all me whenever he wanted to talk. So I was happy that we had the chance to talk and get to know each other.

Micahel and I talked for a few hours and it was so cool to laugh and share and have a great conversation with someone who shares many of the same thinking as I and also because Michael is just a very cool guy who is easy to talk to and someone I know would be an awesome friend. It was a great way to end a day that was just awesome all the way around.

This morning I slept in since I ended up talking to my new friend Michael for over three hours. After taking my showers and taking care of things around the apartment I jumped on my bike and headed down to the beach for a bike ride. I surprised myself because I was able to ride all the way to Malubu and not get too tired. I too the bus home and took care of getting my mail and doing my recycling. That took three trip in with the heat in Hollywood that really took a bit out of me.

Since I was in the area I went down to see if I could find Judy and check on her and collect her cell phone to charge it and add some time to the phone so she can be in contact with me when she needs to be. Judy loves to be able to call me when she feels the need to, but she really doesnt fully understand that she cant just simply talk all she wants to. She also doesnt fully understand that she must end the call. Since I am the one who adds money to her phone I am not always able to keep minutes on her phone. I must take care of the things like my rent, bills and transportation cost first and then what is left over I use to help people as much as I can. With so little and the need of some many people, Judy must come in what I now do on a rotation. This means that when I see her I cant always get things like cell phone cards or all the hygiene things she may need. So when I see her I must address the basics. “have you eaten today?”

Once I got back from seeing Judy I had to honor the request of someone who did not want to be a administrator for Project KengiKat and I also needed to do some administrative work to remove inactive accounts from my blog network as well. In do this I thought to myself that I really needed to make sure I was spending as much time as I can building and growing the awesome organization I created as well as taking as much time as needed for me. Today as I sat and took care of things for me and my organization and blog network I could hear my Pops say. “You’ve been given this to do and only you can do it.”

This evening I spent the late evening putting some plants in new pots and talking with Tina and Andy. They called me once they got to the playa at Burning Man, by now I am sure their Burning Man adventure is in full swing and they are having a blast. I got a call from my niece and she invited me over to spend the night with her and her family. We laughed order pizza and now it’s 12:05Am and I am looking at the ending of Nighline and now about to watch Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Tomorrow I will again take some time out for me, but I will also spend time working toward making my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS down on Skid Row on the 19th a complete success. I know that in order for this to happen I must remain on track and focused on what needs to get done. I also know that in order for this to happen I must be selfish with how I spend my time outside of of my organization, blog network and the time I take out for ME.

I’ve uploaded two new videos so please feel free to check them out on Project kengiKat II which is my youtube channel.

Big shout out and thanks to Alison for the donations and support and thanks to Michael for the awesome conversation and laughs.

Days and Nights….Life Rocks

• Posted by Kengi on September 4, 2009 at 2:30pm

This week has been pretty cool. I’ve been able to make lots of things happen for my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS and thanks in huge part to my friend Alison not only have I been able to get things in order for the Unpluggin HIV outreach on the 19th of this month, I’ve also been able to add an outreach to Shriners Hospital for Children as well as an outreach to Common Ground in Santa Monica. Common Ground is an agency that helps people with HIV and AIDS on the West side. According to their website there are about 3360 people living with HIV or AIDS on the West Side of Los Angeles. I have done several clothing outreaches to Common Ground before.

Even with all the headway I have been able to make with Unpluggin HIV outreach many things are still greatly lacking and this is making me work that much harder to make certain this event is a complete success. I have many people who say they will help, but I have learned from experience not to count this as something that has taken place until it really happens. People sometimes say things and then dont follow through, the sad thing is that they dont even bother to give an explaniation as to why. This is turn only create far more work for me and really causes me not to believe that they ever wanted to help at all, they simply wanted to say they would.

Thursday was pretty cool. I was able to spend some time over at my place doing some planting and washing some clothes. After doing this I took some time out for myself. Made a quick lunch and headed out for a bike ride. Once back I got a call from Alison and I was able to spend some time helping her with some things and visiting and getting to know my new friend. This was cool because we got to share with each other and for me this is all part of my growing process and it allows me to have time out to spend with quality people who I happen to think are not just pretty damn special but also pretty solid as well.

Alison is great we spent some time moving things over to her storage unit, drinking Trader Joes Lemonade with sparkling water and really just enjoying the time we spent with each other. This was so cool because I feel like she is able to get some much needed work done as well as have time to get to know me and the same goes for me as well. I am able to get to know this awesome woman and really discover how cool she is. Even though she went to UCLA. LOL.

Our afternoon was awesome, we talked about so much, but the cool thing was that I had the chance to open up and talk about the guy that I was in a relationship with for a very long time. A mojor chunk of my life and how he is still very much a huge part of my life. I think I have shared that he was one of the first people at my bedside when I found out about HIV and he has always been right there whenever I call on him and many times I dont even need to call on him. It was nice to have a new and fresh opinion on how I should proceed with some things. At the end of the visit I was once again able to get some awesome items for the outreach, a DVD player and a very sweet Ben Sherman bag that Alison would like for me to keep.

Originally I told her the bag really isnt my style and it isnt, I am more of a backpack kind of guy, but while we were together she said, “I really wish you would keep the bag” and at first I didnt hear her, I mean I heard her, but I didnt “hear the request” In the past people have given me things that they really wanted me to keep for myself and I have given them away to people who I think need them. However I have learned that when someone says something is for me, I should keep it for myself and not feel bad about doing so. When I picked up clothes from my friend Krystal and Patrick, Krystal gave me a leather jacket that was Patrick’s and she made me promise to keep it for me. I laughed it off and said the jacket would be donated and this is when she said “I would be so insulted if you gave this away Kengi, it is for you. We want you to have this.” In that moment just like the moment with Alison I had to “be still” as Ma use to say and honor the request of someone who truly cares for me and loves me. So am am honoring the request of a friend and accepting the gift of the Ben Sherman bag. Thanks so much Alison. Look Tina, I am learning right?

I headed back over to West LA to chill out and get in another bike ride with two friends. I was really looking forward to this, but this plan fell through when my buddies had some visitors come in from out of town and they were forced to come up with a plan on how to deal with some things they have been wanting to deal with and now are forced to deal with because both sets of parents have come to town. They called me in a panic asking me what they should do. They are both close to my age, only three years separate us and they have been dating…..well in a relationship for 5 years year but neither of them have shared this with their parents. They have wanted to but just not sure how to do it. I simply told them to relax, since they have awesome relationships with their parents and they both have told me they want to tell their parents and both know their parents wont have a problem with it. I told them what they really should be worried about is how dirty their place is. We all laughed and they decided to to got pick some things up from the store and clear their awesome place and get ready for a great time with their folks.

Just as I ended the call with them I got a text message from Salenas asking me if I wanted to go down to the Santa Monica Pier. It was the last night of the Summer concerts that are at the Santa Monica Pier. We made plans to link up at her new place. I jumped in the shower and hopped on my bike and made my way down to her place on 5th and Wilshire. Wow was this fun.

Salenas as many of you know is the lady who I have known for over three years now. She is formerly homeless just like me, but she has kids, awesome kids and as a family they made it through the hardships of homelessness and the struggles of having to sleep on the beach, at the pier and on buses. It is so amazing that our homelessness ended right around the same time, so to now have a night where we hang out, laugh and have a great time and then be able to eat some food and sleep in beds that are in our own apartments is just awesome and for me that is so cool.

The Santa Monic Pier was packed, just like I knew it would be. The night was very warm once again and for Santa Monica it was what most would call hot. We rode our bikes from 5th and Wilshire and then spent an awesome night under the stars on the world famous Santa Monica Peir. The last time I had the chance to spend at the Santa Monica Pier was the day after my 40th birthday doing a Do Something Saturday outreach at the top of the Santa Monica Pier and then spending an awesome afternoon with some the volunteers from the event and my great friends Tina and Andy.

This night was no exception, we had so much fun, laughing and talking and catching up. Ridding the Ferris Wheel and just really enjoying an awesome night in Santa Monica. It simply do not get better then an awesome night in Santa Monica at the beach with cool people.

My night ended with a late dinner back at the home of my friend Salenas, more laughs, candy water and the beginning to Jurassic Park before I headed out. The bike ride back to West LA was so cool and many people were blowing their horns and smiling at me because I must have had this really goofy smile on my face. I got inside talked to a great friend for a bit and then took a shower and headed to bed.

Sunday Dinner for Homeless People…KICK START MEALS rides again

• Posted by Kengi on September 7, 2009 at 2:00pm

This weekend I set a goal for myself to feed at least 25 people. Whenever I set such goals for myself I am always so happy when I am able to reach the goals. This weekend I once again reached beyond that goal. I fed 60 people.

I started my meal program shortly after starting my outreach to homeless people and from the very beginning my thought was to provide high quality meals that would not just feed the body, but feed the soul as well. I knew first hand what it was like to get meals that were spoiled or leftovers from some restaurant the night before. I knew what it was like to be handed a moldy old sandwich with fruit that was beyond rotten, so my goal was to reach far beyond what was being offered

Right away I named the program Kick Start, because I felt like a great meal could really Kick Start the day of a homeless person. At first the meals weren’t really meals at all, instead they were snacks like granola bars, protein bar and Cliff Bars. It was things like fresh fruit and then moved into baked goods. These items were passed out in the morning along Santa Monica Beach.

This outreach grew pretty fast and soon I was able to offer full meals, today the Kick Start program has a new life behind it and already has served home cooked meals to homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS. The Kick Start program is very basic. Provide a high quality meal as often as possible. The goal have never been about how many I can feed, but about the quality of the meal. I never serve things that I would not eat myself.

A few months ago I started a outreach called Sunday Dinner in honor of the three amazing women who I learned a great deal of cooking from, Ma, Grandma and Nana. Sunday Dinner is awesome, because I get to prepare a home cooked meal that is so lacking for homeless people. Not just any home cooked meal, because I am sure there are plenty of places that will tell you that they too offer home cooked meals. But when you compare their so called “home cooked meals” to the meals I prepare, you will clearly see that simply boiling water for pasta and dumping a can of sauce over it is not what most would call a quality home cooked meal.

This was the 5th time I have been able to do Sunday Dinner for homeless people and from the very start they all have been great and I’ve met some pretty cool homeless people. This past Sunday was no exception. Each person I met was so happy to get the meal and then very surprised at what they saw when they opened the container. I recall asking one lady of she was hungry and she looked at me and said “Is it another sandwich?” I smiled and told her what I had prepared. Her face just lit up and she sat up and asked me what church I was from. “The Church of Humanity” I smiled ans she said “well that’s the best one to be from.”

Deciding what I am going to cook is always a major deal for me. The very first time I did it I only had $60 in food stamps on my card, so I knew the meal would have to be somewhat inexpensive and even with this the meal was still a major success. This time around a had a food stamp card that was full with over $100 on it, so this gave me a little room to make the meal a bit better. As I have stated before, this program isn’t about the amount of people I try to serve, but the quality of the meal. Since I had already served baked chicken, BBQ chicken, pork chops, spaghetti and pork roast I went with one of my favorite meals I like to cook. I went with enchiladas, refried beans, and Mexican rice.

Since I didnt have much planned for Saturday and I was starting to fall into a funk over being dumped by that dork, I quickly made my mind up to stay busy and make my Saturday a Do Something Saturday and get the items I needed for Sunday Dinner. I looked through the sales papers and tried to come up the best prices for the items. I knew the 99 cent only store was going to be on the list because at only 99 cents for every item in the store you just cant go wrong. However you do have to be careful of things like expiration dates, I also really dont like to get my produce there either. But I knew I could get my corn tortillas there as well as a few other things and this would help to keep my overall cost pretty low.

My next stop would be Smart and Final where I would get larger items like my #10 cans of enchilada sauce, refried beans and cheese. Smart and Final can sometimes be a higher then regular markets, but on these items I know I would get a great price. I also got my boxes of Uncle Bens rice from there. There just arent many places where I am able to buy the large boxes that are the same boxes caterers and chefs use. The last stop was Pavilions to get my green and white onions and a few other things.

After all the shopping for the outreach I wanted to make certain I got some things for me, so I headed to Trader Joe’s and got some items for myself. Mt friend Alison introduced me to these Ezekiel whole grain sprouted tortillas and also in speaking and spending time with her she also encouraged me to try to do my very best to eat a bit better by introducing things like whole grains, mineral water and some organic products into my diet. So a trip to Trader Joe’s was awesome for me.

I followed her advice and got the Ezekiel tortillas, the yogurt cheese, the mineral water and I even picked up some awesome all natural chicken sausages along with some pomegranated line juice and the organic Trader Joe’s Pink Lemonade. What surprised me about Trader Joe’s is the fact that I am able to get many things there and still remain on my very tight budget. I cant do all my shopping there because I would only get about a weeks worth of food with the money I have to spend each month on food for myself, but by using things like local food banks for things like can goods, I am able to get a little bit more and buy better more healthy food from Trader Joe’s. The other thing is this, the prices are far better then Whole Foods and not only that, the staff is much nicer and far my helpful then the staff I have experienced at Whole Foods. I think I will write a YELP review for Trader Joe’s simply because they ROCK.

I did some of my prep work Saturday night and then I was up at 5:00AM to finish the prep and then I got back into bed and took a nap before watching This Week which is the Sunday morning news program on ABC. I’ve been hooked on this program ever since I can remember. While it has changed a great a bit with the new host, I have come to like George as well. I do however wish Sam Donaldson and Cockie Roberts were still at the round table. George Will can be replaced.

By 9:00AM I was up and getting things going in the kitchen. I had some music in the background and also made sure that my camera was fully charged so I was able to photograph and video many parts of the preparation. I also had the chance to speak with, laugh with and share some awesome moments with my niece, she is even part of one of the video which was pretty cool.

Late Saturday night I got a email from an old friend on my old gmail account that I hardly ever check. I used this old gmail address when I was cooking and catering all over the place. Those days are behind me, but from time to time I do check it. More so now since I have been applying for private cooking gigs. When that she had reached out to me I was very surprised and very happy to hear from her. There was a nasty rumor going around that she was upset with me for not telling her I was homeless, but mostly she was upset by the fact that I was gay. Well that wasnt true at all. In fact she had no idea, the person who told me these things is just a some evil person who wanted to make me feel bad. That didnt work either.

Vanessa and I had lost contact while I was dealing with homelessness. I use to speak withher all the time and when I lived in San Francisco she came up one long weekend to to visit with me and then when I moved back to Santa Monica from the Bay Area she would also come visit and hang out with me as well. We never got around to her coming out to New York while I lived there, but we remained in close contact and the very best of friends. So it was so nice to get an email from her and then even better to know that what I was told was not true but some made up hateful lie cooked up by a evil, hateful, bible carrying, shout Jesus in the noon day, going to bust hell wide open Christian woman who has nothing better to do then to try her very best to make people feel bad. What is is like to have a life where all you do is try to make yourself look good or feel better about the lousy life you lead by trying to make others unhappy. She always tells me how she loves me and how she is praying for me and I just think to myself, “keep you no good love and those damn prayers to yourself. I dont want either coming for you.” Vanessa and I exchanged a few emails and Sunday morning she called me and we made arrangements to hang out after I was done with the outreach to homeless people.

I was done cooking a little before 3:00PM and I was scheduled to start the outreach at 4:00PM, so I was right on schedule. While I was cooking I thought about where I would go to pass out the meals. I also placed on both my Twitter and FACEBOOK page asking for people from the Los Angeles area to join me to help me pass out the food. So many people say “I will help and even if it is short notice I really want to help” but when I call on them they are no where to be found. Even if I plan an event for in advance and people send emails and comments about how they will help and what they will buy, it just never happens this way. So many people think I have this large network of people helping and planning and showing up at each event I have, but if you look very close many of my outreach are solo events done completely alone with no help. This isn’t to say that I dont have some awesome people who always show up for the larger events because I do. Eric, Willow, Tina, Andy, Lourdes, Aunt Emma, Krystal, Patrick, Ryan, Moina and Niambi are very loyal supporter of the larger events, but with such a small pool of people who are willing and able to help I must be very careful not to wear them out or do so much that they dont have time for the many things they are working on or taking care of in their own person life. I also have some people from other states who help and always do all they can to make sure what I am doing is a complete success and I am so thankful and humbled by all of this.

So while I was cooking I made plans to hit the park near WestWood and I also made plans to go to a new area that I dont get to all that often. I am so gald I made the choices I made because I was able to pass out and meet some pretty awesome homeless people and I even had the chance to bump into people I knew when I was on the streets. Each person was so happy to receive the meal that I had prepared and each one was so ready to share their experience and how they were doing. Each one was very thankful and happy to get the meal and every person who got a meal said “thank you” and they were very polite.

In over two years of doing this, most of the time I was homeless myself and I can honestly say that what most people think homelessness is or how homeless people are and even what you read in the newspaper or see in the news is not an accurate. Just like all Black men are not in jail or on parole and not all White people are out to get Blacks, just like all Mexicans are not field workers, not all homeless people are drug users, drunks or crazy. If funny how we have allowed a small percentage of all the is bad with this country become the measure of how things are. Every time we see a Black man break the law, then all Black men are the same and are treated the same, each time we see a Mexican cross the boarder illegally we assume this is how they all got here. Well I know this to be untrue, just like I know that homeless people are not the scum of the earth and I also know that each person deserves love and respect.

Someone said to me the other day that she had the chance to volunteer at a shelter and what she saw shocked her. She was appalled by how homeless people are treated as well, but what stood out in her mind was how the face of homelessness isn’t what she was led to believe it to be. She spoke of the huge talent, education, Black, White, Latino and all else, she told me how kind and gentle homeless people were where she was volunteering and she said after that experience she will no longer allow popular opinion to shape her way of thinking. “It was really shameful and hurtful to see that people are forced to live like this and the way they were spoken to by so many people really just hurt my soul.”

It took me nearly all day to prepare this meal and about 45 minutes to pass them all out. My last stop was at Lincoln Park in Santa Monica. A place that I know all to well. When I was homeless this is where I would come to try to get some sleep in the day time, especially on days where I was not able to sleep at some points through the night. Days when I was so sick from Chemo I would also come to this park and do all I could to fall asleep to get rest for so I could be ready for the long night that I would have to deal with.

Before I knew it all the meals I had cooked were gone, but this time everyone I ran into was able to get a meal and once at Lincoln Park in Santa Monica I had enough meals for everyone there in the park. In fact I had one left over that I later handed to a guy in front of the 7-11.

As I left the park my I made a video and after doing that I started walking and just as I passed the woman who gave me a hug she looked at me and said “Kengi I am so glad you now have your own housing and thank you so much for not forgetting about us who are still out here. Thank you for smiling at us and for doing all you can to help us. We love you Kengi and we appreciate all you do.”

I leaned down and gave her a kiss of the forehead and as I walked away my eyes filled with tears because I know that could very easily be me again, my tears began to fall when I was walking toward people who just came out of a Saint Monica’s Church say “I am so damn sick at looking at all these fucking homeless people. I wish we could just ship them all away.” I wasn’t shocked by what came from her mouth, I hear it all the time and some people even put it on my youtube channel, but on youtube I can remove comments I dont like and even ignore the person, but in life that isnt always so easy.

I turned around and said “excuse me” the ladies turned around and said “yes”

I looked at both of them, each of them with kids and what appeared to be one husband and I asked. “Is that what you just learned in the building you cane out of? Is that the message of love or the awesomeness of God? Is that really how you want your kids to think of humans who are suffering? Does talking about homeless people the way you just did make you feel better about yourself?”

One of the small kids said “I told you that was wrong mommy. You always say mean things like that to homeless people.”

As I turned to walk away I said “Maybe you need to go back into that so called place where God lives and tie yourself to the alter and not leave until you bring some God out with you.”

Once back in West LA I took a shower called my friend Vanessa and made my way to her place and hung out with her for until pretty late. I got back around 11:00PM. I looked a the pictures I took from the day and said “Thank you Lord for all you’ve done for me” I took a shower and went to bed.

My last blog positing here on NIng.

• Posted by Kengi on September 8, 2009 at 11:00pm

For the longest time I have wanted my blog to be on my website and after learning that I do not own my own content here on the ning platform I have wanted to find a better place where my blog can be shared. As many of you I stay very busy with my community work and the blog and all over places where I blog take up a great deal of time, So I have asked my friend Ryan to try to find a way for me to be able to have my blog and website all in one location. Well he has come up with this and this will be my last regular posting to my blog network here on ning.

Now I am not taking the site offline, nor I am leaving it. This will still be my blog network and I will still run it and make posts from time to time, but as my organization grows, so must I. A lot goes into the work I have created and I need to make sure there is a balance between work time and ME time. I also need to try to make everything that deal with work a bit easier for me, since 99.5% of the work done for my organization is done by me. This leaves very little time for me.

I love what I have built here and it will remain, I love the very dear friends I have made and some of you are very much liek family to me, so I hope you will continue to read the blogs that are here and continue to blog as well. I will still post here, just not as often as I do now. However I will post the conversations with Kengi and the Cooking with Kengi videos here. I will also keep you up to date with events like Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin HIV, however my full blog will now be located in my main webpage.

I will be adding links to people who blog here on Project KengiKat to my new blog on Do Something Saturday so people will be able to come over and read all the awesome blogs located here. So if you are already a blogger her I hope you will continue to blog here. If you are new and dont post much, I hope you will begin to.

This will always be my network and I will check in daily. You can still send me massages and comments here just like you always have and I will answer them just like I always have. I want to express my many thanks and love for all of you who have continued to blog and support what I am doing, my blog nor my work is ending, it is growing and I hope you will help me continue to build and grow this site just like many of you have doen since the day you joined.

My new blog isnt really new, it is just moving to a new location www.dosomethingsaturday.org scroll all the way donw on the left hand side and you will see “Kengi’s Blog” I hope you all take the time to check it out, continue to read and comment. I think you all will love it. Everything is located there all in one site. Again I will create links to blogs here on this network to highlight the awesome blogs and people that are here. People that I love and respect.

This is not goodbye by any means, I am just moving across the street, so we will still be in close contact ok. I LOVE YOU and please keep bloggin because I will keep reading. I will also become more active in the awesome groups here which will leave the main page to showcase all your awesome blogs. So get to bloggin so I can now make some comments on your blogs.

90 Day Challenge…Awesome Weekend

• Posted by Kengi on September 14, 2009 at 11:14am

So I’ve started a 90 day Challenge and it is going awesome. if you like to read how things are going, please check out my new blog.

90 Day Challenge…Awesome Weekend

“Unphazed”

• Posted by Kengi on September 20, 2009 at 3:30pm

My Unpluggin HIV outreach went well, in fact it was very successful. After some hard work and plenty of people backing out at the last minute and others showing no interest at all, I was able to pull it all off in grand stayle.

If you would like to read my new blog please visit “Unphazed”

Old Blogs from 2009 (August 2-31)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Customer Service at the Bonaventure Hotel

• Posted by Kengi on August 2, 2009 at 1:40am

This was supposed to be my weekend to relax and take much needed time to just chill out before jumping head first into a long week of preparing for my outreaches for homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS. I will also be starting the week off with three medical appointments.

Since my friends are out of town I was offered a “get away” to stay at their place. The cool thing is that this “staycation” wont cost me a cent and I wont have to end up battling to get my money back nor will I be flat out lied to about the charge to my credit card and I wont have to be lied to again as to when it would be returned.

What ever happened to customer service? When companies were honest, when they cared about how they treated their customers? Whatever happened to making things right and keeping your word? Since when did the customer, the very person who is the backbone of every business, became the enemy?

I recall a time when you called a company and were able to speak with someone, or you could just walk right in and have the issue resolved right away. No lies, no excuses, no phone trees, no being transferred or no one to tell you “I’ll call you back” only to have them never call back. Are the days where the customer was king gone? Replaced with people who tell lies, act as if you have bothered them when it is their lack of training and understanding just how very important the customer is?

Far too many times companies think “give them something for free and make them go away” reapirs the damage done by their lack of care toward the people who allow them to open for business each day. Far too many times companies feel that it is ok to miss mark and not offer excellent customer service each and every time to every person that walks through the door.

I recall working for Bullock’s Department Store one summer. It was a free standing store, meaning it was not in a mall or shopping center. I was trained under a manager who said when people can to the store they came to get something and if they left without a bag, then this was because we didnt do our jobs. “people can go to a mall to browse, they come here to shop.” While working there I also learned that Bullock’s truly cared about their customer and geared all training toward making the customer happy. Later I found out why Ma loved Nordstroms so much. It wasnt so much that they had great clothes and shoes that she loved wear, but they had unmatched customer service. They still do to this day.

How many times has a company done something wrong and then take their sweet time correcting their mistake? How many times do they try make you feel like it was your fault that they screwed up and then to add insult to injury they add “We will do all we can to fix this as soon as possible” or “let us look into this and we will get back to you.”

Last week my friend sent me a message telling me that I could get a FREE room at the Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown LA. He told me because he wanted me to have a “get away” as so many people in my life do. I really appreciate him for being so kind to think of me. This is the same friend who gave me the two tickets he won to Romeo and Juliet. I was able to once again enjoy the ballet, just like I use to in what now seems like a lifetime ago. The ballet was awesome and it was FREE, he didnt ask me to give him a deposit for the tickets or tell me that I had to pay for one. He gave them to me and I had an awesome time.

After the ballet we went to the Bonaventure Hotel and we ate at the Bonaventure Brewing Company. When Tina told me she had a certificate that would entitled us to a certain amount off our meal once we ordered a certain amount, I recalled the cool times I had been inside the Bonaventure and how each and every time it was so cool. The very last time I was in the Bonaventure Hotel was in 1987 after my high school prom from Santa Monica High. Some friends threw an after party in a warehouse in Downtown LA and after that many of us had rooms at the Bonaventure Hotel. It was so cool. We went from room to room laughing and just having a great time in a great hotel.

I shared some of this memories with Tina and Andy as we enjoyed our meal at the Bonaventure Brewing Company. When we were ready to leave the waitress failed to place the coupon on the final bill. She had to be told about it, but once told she did correct it. But what sticks out is this the fact that she had forgotten.

I was warned by a friend that nothing is free anymore and there would be a hidden charge and it would hurt me in the long run. She told me this after I had already placed the reservation and right after talking to her I called the hotel to ask. I wanted to make sure there was no hidden charge and no deposit required. I was assured that this was a promotion and there would be no hidden charges of any kind, not even a deposit. I explained a bit about my situation and how I did not want to be surpised once I got there. She placed me on hold and came back and said “Mr. Carr I just checked and there will be no hidden charges or deposit required”

That wasnt the case when I arrived the very next day. The lady at the counter first asked for $100. We I told here that I was told there would be no charge she looked at me like I had just insulted her. She then asked for $85 and again I told her what I was told. I asked her for my card and expressed that I was pretty pissed to have been told one thing only to come all that way told I had to pay. She then asked what I could pay. Since I had made arrangements to meet someone to pick up her donation of diapers for a family in need, I said fine. She did assure me that this was not a charge and I would get a credit back to my card when I check out. That was not true.

At check out I was given nothing and when I asked for a receipt I was given one that showed “balance due $0” I asked for a receipt that showed the credit back to my charge. “Sir you didnt pay for the room, it was free, nothing was charged to you card” at this point the couple checking in next to me began to look over at me and the “gentleman” behind the counter. This is when I asked for his manager.

Marco came out and told me the very same thing. “There was no charge to your card. We took an authorization and it was deleted. It was show back on your card tomorrow.” That was not true.the card was charged and the next day there was no credit back to my card. I again called my credit card company just as I did when I stood there with Marco and they told me the same thing. “Mr. Carr the card was charged by the hotel and there is no record of the charge being reversed.”

I called the hotel and this time I spoke with someone in the executive office. She listened to me and she said she would call back and she did. She told me that I should never have been charged a deposit and the card was charged and not issued a credit. She assured me she would take care of it. She also offered to mail me a check for the same amount of the charge and a stay in one of the suites to make this up to me. I told her that I wasnt complaining to get something for free. This was a problem and it needed to be fixed, not for me, but for all people who stay in that hotel. She gave me her word that it would be fixed that day and I would get a letter from her in about a week with the check and voucher for another “free” night stay.

Well once again this did not happen, the charge remains on my card and my credit card company shows no record of the charge being returned. They didnt take an authorization, they charged the card and it has yet to be corrected.

Today I had bills due that I needed that money for. I made the lady in the executive office fully aware of this and she said she she would make sure the credit back to the card would be done that day. However it was not done. Now I have the cost of the bill, plus an additional charge on top of this I have a fee from the card as well. So a room that was supposed to be free has now cost me $75 in fees plus the cost of the bill that didnt clear today. So this pissed me off and I called the hotel. Only to learn that the word that was given to me was nothing more then someone blowing smoke up my ass. All the talk about how she wanted to correct this and make it right was nothing more then a bunch of bull shit. Nothing more then “give them something for free and make them go away” approach to customer service.

To add insult to injury I get bounced from person to person for more then 20 minutes one front desk person even saying “What an ass” thinking the call was on hold. “when you bad mouth the person on the line, make sure you have them on hold first.” I then was given to France who was equally as rude and dismissive. He was the manager in charge after Marco had gone home but had no power to correct the charge to my card. He told me he would have someone named “Myra” fix it tomorrow

Yeah the days of customer service are long gone and the days when I had such cool experiences at the Bonaventure Hotel are also gone. Tomorrow morning I will get up to ride the bus to Downtown LA to get this matter corrected. This makes has been like a hemorrhoid in my ass. I have never had a hemorrhoid before but if I ever do have the misfortune of getting one, I will name it “Westin Bonaventure Hotel”

While I did enjoy my get away to the hotel I am now sorry I did it, it has cost me way more the free and while I did give the hotel a rating of 7 in my review I am now changing it to ZERO minus because of how this was handled so very badly by people who are supposed to be managers, leaders or examples if you will for the people who work under them. From Marco to Susan and now France this hotels management sucks ass and therefore they can KICK ROCKS.

Even if I were to stay in the suite that has been offered to me it will not be a true measure of the quality of service that is available at the Bonaventure Hotel. The staff will be alerted that I am in the hotel, in what room and how long I would be there and therefore told to give the best possible level of service. They will be instructed to make no mistakes, so I can see how great things can be at the Bonaventure Hotel, but this wont be the true level or a real measure of the service. It will be a feeble effort to repair lousy way this entire situation was handled and it will not correct or make things right at all.

“give him a room and make him go away” How bout doing things right the first time and when you cant do that, then fix them the second time and when you cant do that, then just admit that what you’ve done can not be repaired.

I fully understand that mistakes happen and that no one is perfect. The lady from the executive office and I talked about this in great detail. In fact she was very surprised that it had even taken place, but she didnt nothing to make sure it wouldnt happen again, especially not to the same person in the same week.

So instead of resting and preparing myself for my busy week, tomorrow I will be forced to get up and head to Downtown LA and spend time “baby sitting” the Bonaventure Hotel and once again asking them as nice as I can to please return the money that charged to my credit card.

KICK ROCKS

For my friend who told me about the free night stay, please dont think you did anything wrong because you did not do anything wrong. You thought of me enough to tell me about an offer on something that was supposed to be “FREE” and I fully appreciate you for thinking of me in the first place. This was caused by the staff of the Bonaventure Hotel and the blame falls squarely in their lap.

From 22 to 36 years old I was a private chef with an awesome catering business. I even owned a BBQ join for a short time and not once did I even have to tell a client or customer that I was sorry or have to offer something for free because I or someone on my staff screwed up. Not once. Since I started my organization I have never had to say sorry for something I’ve done, but I’ve had to say sorry to people I serve because someone who had volunteered to help me went back on their word. Just like the lady who had the diapers she wanted to donate but never called me back. Even though the family in need go the diapers and two gift cards to Ralph’s I did offer her an apology because I said I would have them there Wednesday afternoon, not that evening but things that were out of my control prevented me from doing this, but the bottom line is that I gave my word.

Marco you gave me your word, Susan, you gave me your word and even the person that monitors the twitter page, you too gave me your word that this would be corrected and all three of you have failed to even make sure that the process was even started. That’s really sad and I had a better stay and service at the Union Rescue Mission

Community vs. Humanity

• Posted by Kengi on August 14, 2009 at 1:30pm

This past week has been filled with ups and downs, mostly from thinking about the current state of affairs as it pertains to the massive budget cuts to HIV and AIDS prevention and care. Prevention has no baring on me but many of the other cuts will have a direct effect on my health care and could possibly affect my housing as well.

The other thing on my mind was just not having enough time to really do many of the things I want to do to help other people. This past week and the ending of last week has been especially hard because the Hawkins family was able to move into their apartment in Hollywood, but just like I am all to familiar with and aware of, things didn’t go so smooth. Not only did the person that was paid to help them move flake out before they finished the job, they next person was just as dishonest and lied to them about the cost, leaving the family with no money. In addition to this they also have a social worker who feels he is God and he the right to say and do anything he feels to them and they had better be cool with it, or he would make them pay for it.

It really bothers me when the places we must turn to for support and help can many times be the worst places for us and many times do nothing but cause more hurt and harm and all we can do is deal with it because we are poor or homeless and dont have a voice.

I cant imagine what it would be like to have kids and have to deal with homelessness and on top of that have a child who is in need of vital services and the place I turn to for support becomes a place of abuse, hardships and great harm. It was hard enough for me to have people in charge of me who dont give a rats ass about me or what happens to me, but to have someone in charge of me and my children is something I would not be able to deal with, especially when that person threatens me, yells at me and when this doesnt work, they take my kids away and all I can do is deal with it because I am poor or homeless.

This family, people I consider and know to be my friends reached out to me and told me what was going on and that they were in need of food. Right away I knew I was not going to be able to help them with what little money I had, so I posted to my FACEBOOK page their need and while manypeople said they would help, only three people, besides myself came through. My friend Eric messaged me right away asking what they needed and once I told him he was on top on it. That night Eric and Willow came by my place many bags of groceries for this family. I am never blown away by Eric and Willow and how kind they are, simply because each time they step forward they always come through in such a huge way. They are two people who truly love humanity and will do all they can when they can to help those in need. For me this is a double blessing because not only am I able to help people because of this love for humanity that these two people have, but I am also so blessed to call them my friends. How sweet is that?

Saturday I had the chance to relax just a bit, although my mission was to spend some time looking for Judy and I also wanted to start to get supplies for my Unpluggin HIV outreach that will take place next month on September 19, in Downtown LA on Skid Row to men and women living and battling not just HIV and AIDS, but poverty and extreme low income as well. Earlier in the week I received the green light to bring my Unpluggin HIV outreach to Skid Row to a building where men and women with HIV and AIDS live. This was so awesome for me and my organization and I owe my friend Shawn so much thanks and most of the credit for helping me in such a huge way set this up.

After looking for Judy for a little more then two hours I was set to give up and look for her another day, but just as I was about to walk into the 99 cent store to get some supplies for the Life Kits I saw Judy walking towards me pushing her basket piled high with her belongings, or what is left of them.

Just like I am so use to with Judy, her faced just lighted up when she saw it was me. I just love Judy so when I saw it was her walking towards me not only did I get a huge smile, but my soul felt better because I knew she was safe…..well as safe as one can be living on the streets in the meanest place toward homeless people.

Judy and I spoke for a while and I was able to get her some items that she requested. I was sad when I was not able to get her the shoe she needed because they did not have her size, but I was able to get her something to eat and visit with her for a short time before I needed to head back home. I collected her cell phone so I could charge it for her and place another $10 phone card on it for her. However trying to locate Judy can sometime be very hard because she no longer stays put in one place and the meeting place we agreed to meet at was a bust. I waited for her for over an hour before I had to leave. My goal is to do my best to find her this weekend as I will be out of town next week.

Saturday afternoon I spent with Tina and Andy down in Venice. Our plan was to hit the board walk and then head over to Krystal and Patrick’s to pick up some things for my apartment as well as items for the Unpluggin HIV outreach. Well shopping at the garage sale and then eating at MOAS very close to the board walk really made us run short on time and Tina was feeling tired, so we took Tina home and Andy and I headed to the BBQ at Krystal and Patrick’s.

While driving to the BBQ I got a email from a lady who who wanted to donate some things for my outreach. SWEET. The cool thing was how she found me and what was even cooler was that she was very close to where we were headed, so after arriving and chilling for a few Krystal drove me to get the yummy donations for the awesome lady who’s name is Dominique and the clothes she g ave were awesome.

I had a blast as I always hanging out with Krystal and Patrick. I was once again able to chill with JP and met two new people Angie and Brian. I was able to take home a sweet pub table, leather foot chest with two small leather posts as well. The cool thing is this I was also able to get a awesome couch for the Hawkins famly..

Monday was a start to another week and while I had already had a really great weekend, I was still pretty worried about the Hawkins family and HIV and AIDS budget cuts were also very close on my mind as well. I had already been asked by my new Case Manager at my clinic to speak on behalf on my clinic at the meeting for the Commission on HIV. Since it was and has been my clinic and the awesome staff there that have done far more for me then anyone has done for me since I have been HIV positive I was more then happy to speak on their behalf.

My friend Angela also contacted me this week to see how she too could help the Hawkins family and later that night she too came through with awesome things for this family in need, but she and her husband are also able to provide them with things I am not able to, because I do not have kids and dont fully understand what having a kid is like. They also provided emotional support to the Hawkins family and they even provided much needed clothing items for them as well.

Angela is someone who is from my childhood and if you have been reading my blogs or watching my youtube channel, then you know I have not had the best of luck with letting people from my childhood back into my life. In fact in doing so this has caused my a great deal of hurt and pain. No one ever wants to be called “fagot” or “stupid” by anyone let alone the people who are supposed to be your friends. No one wants to have “friends” make offers of housing and then not hear from them again. No one wants to let people in their life and see what has happened only to have them make jokes and laugh with other so called “friends” But I guess this all points to how someone is raised and what type of value system they have, it also speaks directly to the person they have allowed themselves to become and what type of person they truly are, moreover what kind of humans they will bring into this world to further the cycle of hurt and pain. Please dont get me wrong, I do have some of my childhood friends in my life in one way or another and I am blessed and thankful for that, in fact I am even thankful for the ones who came with hurt and pain, it has only made me stronger and more determined to keep moving forward into greater works. It also forces me to fully appreciate the meaning and value of the friends I do have. For me that is simply priceless.

When I had the opportunity to tell Angela what was going on I backed off because I didnt want to deal with anyone more bullshit then I already have to deal with. I also didnt want to have another friend talking about me behind my back and treating me like shit. However this wasnt the case with Angela, her husband Perry had already been watching my youtube channel so this had already made them aware of things I am dealing with. It felt so awesome to have someone from my childhood, someone who was such a awesome person and someone I truly did consider a friend step back into my life and this time there was no hurt or shame that came along with it.

Fast forward to August 13, 2009 at 9:00AM, the meeting for the Commission on HIV and I was one of 37 speakers who spoke to ask that services most vital to our survival not be cut. It was so powerful and moving to me to hear the stories of men and women who have gone through many of the same things that I have, and have found help not from an ASO, but their clinic and this is where the services are being cut the deepest. It bothers me that lives just dont seem to matter to our leaders.

For me my clinic represents so much, it’s because of my clinic that I was able to get housing, my HEP B vaccination is now on track, my health care is now on track, so many things are going in the right direction and with these budget cuts many of the things that are finally in place could now fall out of place and that is just so troubling to me.

Once I got home I was so drained, because my day started so early and after the meeting I spent time looking for Judy so I could get her phone back to her, but once again she was no place to be found and I just could not spend anymore time looking for her. I spoke with the Hawkins family and things were them as well and that made me smile big time.

There are a few things that stick out in my mind about this week and they give me great comfort and that is awesome donations I have received for my Unpluggin HIV outreach from so many awesome people. I was also able to link up with Christian and Miles, the guys from Conquer the Land as they made their way through Santa Monica in the last 5 days of their bike ride down to the San Diego border. I was able to give them 3 more Do Something Kits as well as present them with their very own Dab the AIDS Bear and welcome them into the family of being Ambassadors of Hope.

Last night I got a visit from two new people in my life Kristin and Michael who came over to bring 4 bags filled with clothes and shoes for my Unpluggin HIV outreach that takes place next month on Skid Row on September 19 at 12:00PM

What I have come to know as truth in my life is the amazing things I have been able to do for others with the help of some pretty amazing and awesome people who truly care for humanity. What I have learned is that no matter what mountain is placed in front of any of us, we not only have the power to climb it, but move it out of the way altogether in order to pave the way for those who will come after us.

The work that I do is very hard and very time consuming, there is no pay and it comes with plenty of setbacks and attacks, but at the end of the day when I see the smiles on the faces of homeless people like Judy, when I see families getting through their dark times, when I see people with HIV or AIDS hold on and fight another day, when I am able to offer someone a meal that isn’t spoiled or clean respectable clothes to someone who truly needs them, when I am able to simply sit with someone and give them a chance to be heard, that is all the payment I need and it encourages, empowers, inspires and gives me the strength to “keep it pusin” another day.

What I have learned is that really helping people doesn’t require a staff, nor an office, it doesn’t require research or statistics, it doesn’t require commissions or committees, it doesn’t even require money. It simply requires love, respect, compassion, humility and the will and desire to help someone in need. It requires you to think outside the “community” mindset that separates, confines and divides us and encourages, fosters and even demands that we think outside our “gated community” that excludes humanity.

CHANGE requires hard work from all of us and to do this we must think outside of “community” and look toward “humanity”

Does “community” separate us? Well when “community” becomes gay, straight, Black, Latino, White, rich or poor then the answer is YES. However but when “community” becomes more about “humanity” and not clicks and groups, the haves and have nots then there is no separation. There is no big “I’s” and little “u’s”

Community separates us and Humanity brings us together as one as a TEAM. So I would rather spend my time working to better HUMANITY not any one community.

Helping people with HIV and AIDS

• Posted by Kengi on August 20, 2009 at 6:36pm

Yesterday was a day I have been so looking forward to for a long time, since being diagnosed HIV positive on April 3, 2008 it has been a desire of mine to reach out to men and women who are suffering through HIV and AIDS who are also battling things like homelessness, housing issues, access to care and medical support. It’s been very hard to not really find places in order to do this, but to get people to follow through and allow me to help.

I lived homeless on Skid Row in Downtown Los Angeles and for me it was so cake walk and in many ways Skid Row for me represents the end of the line for people who are forced to live. Skid Row was tough and many of my fights were there, including the bloody fight that landed me in the Emergency Room after being targeted by some guys who felt they needed to “tech the fag a lesson” I took 5 of them to try to teach me the lesson, that even after being my ass beat, I still never got. But it is what it is right.

I set up a monthly outreach with 5p21 which is the HIV and AIDS clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center, but rules, regulations, red tape and what I feel was simply the clinics way of forcing me to leave, after one outstanding outreach that was so welcome and well received by all the patients who were able to get meals, Do Something Kits and even the staff thought it was great as well. The meal was hot and not sandwiches that are very commonly served by other organizations that serve meals.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 1:00PM I got the green light from the residents of an Single Residence Occupancy (SRO) on Skid Row. The building has 40 residence and all of them are infected with either HIV or AIDS, in addition to this they are also considered extreme low income which means their cash flow is very tight. Since I am in the same boat as the residents this means that some things must wait or not get purchased at all. Things like hygiene items, food and even bus passes. Not to mention that many of these men are taking HIV meds which is even stress and concern all by itself. Imagine having to worrying about what you will eat, how you will wash your clothes, keep up with your transportation needs.

I had the chance to speak with the men who attended the meeting and also had the chance to hear some of the issues they face as well as concerns they have as far as being able to get their meds in a timely manner. The guys in the house have over come some pretty hard times in their life and are doing all they can to turn things around. I am so happy to be able to provide a monthly outreach to the residents that will include full size hygiene items, gently used clothes, and shoes and I am also looking to feed the residents a great meal.

So far the donations for the outreach have mainly been for women and while these a welcomed , this outreach will mainly serve men. The building hoses 40 people and only one of them is a woman, and right now mens clothes are greatly lacking. So if you would like to donate or know of someone who would like to donate gently used mens clothes in all sizes, please get in touch with me.

My meeting with the residence was such a huge inspiration to me because it was with the approval of the resident manager, but the people of the building also had a chance to speak to and hear me and what I will be able to offer them. Needless to say I am so looking forward to helping the residents with some of their concerns by providing basic items once a month.

If you would like to help me with this effort to “be of service” to people living with HIV and AIDS, then please visit the events tab of www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Moving forward past the pain

• Posted by Kengi on August 28, 2009 at 6:50pm

Who knew that getting dumped could take such a toll on me? I never would have thought that simply getting dumped by some asshole would cause me to feel the way I do right now and not even want to get out of bed. Who knew that I liked this guy this much and that him saying what he said to me would have such a grip in me right now?

I met this guy about a month and half ago at a bar in Downtown LA, he came up to me, already knew my name, told me he had been reading my blog and watching my youtube channel for a long time time. I knew right away that he was gay, not from anything he said or did, I just knew it.

I guess the first red flag should have been the fact that this guy was stunning. He had a great body and could have his pick of anyone, furthermore guys like him dont think twice about guys like me. No matter how nice I am. It just doesnt work like that. But this guy was charming and like a fool I fell for it.

This the third day that I have been in bed, mainly because my pain from Sickle Cell and the other because I feel so damn stupid. I’ve tried to get up and get things going again but tears soon come and I am back in bed crying myself to sleep. It’s been three full days of this and no matter what I do I cant seem to shake this. I did however manage to get up and take care of things like paying my rent, bills and keeping my appointment with DPSS. But even while I was out I had to fight back tears.

The messages, emails and even text messages I have been getting from friends and supporters have been so cool and have helped to make me smile and even laugh. Last night I spoke with my friend Christina for over 2 hours and she really helped me to look at things and laugh at most of them. My friend Tina has also been checking in on me and making sure I am ok. Friends from my blog network and POZIAM have also reached out to me to send me kind words, prayers and support.

I tried to motivate myself today by cleaning my camera and making plans to go out to listen to JAZZ at LACMA and maybe even take some pictures, but that too was something that I quickly lost interest in. I did spend some time working on my bike and making sure it is ready for the outreaches I have planned for next week and I also need to be ready to start picking up donations for the outreach for that is set the 19th of September. I did manage to finsh that task but still have some minor adjustments I must do to the rear breaks in order to make sure I am fully safe and able to ride with no silly accidents.

I know that sitting in bed and crying isnt good for my state of mind and I know that sitting and thinking about what has happened isnt good either, but right now it is all I can do. I invested a great deal into the small and short one and half months, but it was my time, my effort that I could have spent doing something else, time I will never get back.

Tomorrow I will force myself out of bed and work hard on the upcoming event I have for people living with HIV and AIDS that is set for the 19th of September. There is simply no way for me to let these people down, no matter how hard this will be for me I must pull it together to get the job done.

I will get past this and I do know that I am not toxic, dangerous or dirty, but my feelings are still very much hurt and my heart is still very much in so much pain. My Sickle Cell is still very muching me, but I need to pull myself together so I do not allow what has taken place in my personal life to cause my to no fulfill the commitment I have made to men and women living with HIV and AIDS. As it stands I now two weeks behind schedule, so now I have my work cut out for me.

I want to express my deepest thanks to all who have reached out to me to offer me support and comfort, that truly means a great deal to me.

THANK YOU

My Food: Helping Others

• Posted by Kengi on August 30, 2009 at 10:30am

I use to be a private chef, I even had a small BBQ joint with a family member for a short time. Most of I life I have catered weddings, annivarsaries, banquets, worked for organizations large and small and I have worked in my homes as a private chef.

Through homelessness I learned that meals provided by missions, shelters community organization and yes, even churches go unregulated and monitored. Even school lunch programs are not monitored by the department of health.

I created a program to try to address the needs of people who are poor, homeless and hungry. It was to bring meals that are healthy and prepared in love to them as much as I could. I just created a new collection of pictures on my Flickr page that shows my work to address the need for great meals to people who are in need.

Click here to visit the Flickr set

ME First….Thank God for Friends

• Posted by Kengi on August 31, 2009 at 12:30am

When things use to bother me Ma would me what have done to turn things around, she would also always ask me “have you prayed” and most times my answer would be “no” I know this may seem a little strange to most and maybe even a little bit out there to others, but for me my faith and prayer life go hand in hand. Like bread and butter, iced-tea and sweet-n-low or night and day. I just cant have one without the other.

For the past two weeks things have been getting to me and I have allowed things to worry me, things that are out of my control, but things that normally would not bother me because my prayer life would be solid. But I have been rushing and saying “I will pray later” and before I knew it two weeks had gone by and I hadnt said one prayer and not one “thank you” for all the good in my life and all the favor that God shows me. Not once had I asked for God to look after me or thank him for already doing so. Not once did I ask God for direction and instead I went on my own way and last week an empty prayer life had taken its toll on me and my world begin to crack.

I have lots of people in my life, I’ve said this before, but no many people I can call my friends. I know there are plenty of people who care for me and say that they love me, but when I find myself in a midnight hour and last week, baby I did, the people I reached for didn’t answer, so I made some choices that I normally would not have made. It’s so funny how when we make wrong choices we know it right away, our inner guide becomes out of whack and things just dont sit right with our very being.

On top of all this I get dumped by the guy I was really starting to like and that only made things that much worse, but praise God for friends who will stand with me in my dark hour and help me through the rough time. It’s been a long time that I can say that I know I have people I can count on, people I can turn to and they will be there for me. Many of you know I have long had two friends like this and they are Tina and Andy and I now know I have two more people who also love and care for me like a brother and those people are Patrick and Krystal.

I doing what I do I take on a great deal and people who I think are there to help me end up counting on me for their situations as well. So while I may look like I have a lot of support in the work I do the real truth of the matter is that I have more then just one “Judy” and more then just one “David” This then leaves no outlet for me and lest just be honest many people who have told me “I will be there for you Kengi” have not been and many who have said “you can count on me” I really cant count on.

I recall times when I would break down in tears with Andy because I knew it was safe to do so, he would be there to help me deal with it, I could simply have a bad day or my Sickle Cell bother me and all I had to do was say so and I could lay down and rest. When the pain just got to be too great for me I could just say so. Since moving out I feel like I lost that in many ways. I am here alone and no one to talk things out with, no one to help me sort through things and come up with the best plan. I know Andy and Tina are still just a phone call away, but when I wake at night and I am worried about things It gets a bit harder to call them, because I dont want to be a bother or a let down.

Since I’ve had this new place of my own I’ve wanted to stand on my own two feet and do my very best to provide things for myself, buy my own food, go out when I want to, sleep as late or as early as I want. However being back on my own has not been easy for my. I am so worries that I am going to make a mistake and I will be back on the streets. I guess one could say that I am very fearful of this.

I’ve been here in my own place for two months now I am have been doing pretty good. Bills have a been a bit overwhelming and I knew they would be the first two months, but I guess I didnt think things that have always fallen apart when I need it most to do so this time around. DPSS has cut my benefits twice for things that I had already taken care of and with all the changes in how they see and deal with clients makes it that much harder for me. I’ve had my worker changed three times now and each time a worker fails to do one thing which causes problems for me. This week I was once again able to get things back on track, but once again I have a new worker.

Transportation has always been a major problem and I rely on a discount pass through MTA and not long ago MTA made huge changes to their passes and the changes they made still have not been worked out and are causing huge problems, not just for me, but for many others will must rely on MTA for transportation. First off MTA now uses TAP which is a plastic card that you must pay for and load, however it the card break MTA will not replace the card for free you must mail the card to the TAP center and any money on the card is lost. I have had three of the discount card now stop working and I treat them just like I do my prepaid Visa card. However the regular card from MTA I have never had a problem with and it has been washer even the drier and has fallen in dish water countless times but not once has the card stopped working. I missed two doctors appointments because I simply didnt have the money to take the train to get on the train and bus to get there.

I made a promise to Tina and Andy that I would reach out when things got to be too much for me and they said they would be there for me to help me deal with it. Tonight I got a call from Patrick and Krystal and they too ask me to reach out to them as well when things get to be too much for me. As I sit here and type this blog out I can only tell you how much my eyes are filling up with tears because I know I have four people with will be there for me when I call them, no matter how late it is and that means the world to me.

Through homelessness there was never anyone I could count on or turn to, the many nights of fighting for my things, walking until my feet were so raw they bled, doing my best to stay awake so I would not get a ticket or far worse into a fight. Nights in the rain and cold and days where I was so tired I would climb into trash cans or bushes just to get some sleep, the entire time praying that nothing bad would happen to me.

After speaking with Patrick and Krystal tonight I went for a walk. I had already been out for part of the day, but tonight I wanted to walk and let go out some things, drop some of the worry and stress off and not bring it back into my apartment. As I walked I began to relax and think to myself that “I can get through this….I will get through this.” I smiled to myself because I know in my heart that when God created me he only created one, there is no other person like me any where and there never will be.

So right now I am making a commitment to myself to always make time to pray and give thanks to God for my life and praise him for even the small things in my life. I am making the commitment to take time out for me, go to the gym, bike ride, really taking time to clear my space and most of all I going to tell my four friends when I am not feeling well and when things are getting to me. When I feel things starting to bother me I am going to call my friends.

I love the work I have created and I love the people I serve and I want to be able to continue to do this work for the rest of my life, but in order for me to do this I need to be healthy mind body and soul. I cant tell you how good it feels to be in place where I know I have four people who will be there for me to help me through the hard times in my life. I cant tell you how awesome it feels to know that I now have two more people I consider my family and I know love me just like family.

Tonight I was able cook for someone in need tonight and that felt good to be able to do. I was able to talk to my friend Jacque and that was cool as well and right before I started to do this blog I got a message from someone thanking me for the work I do and for speaking up for them.

Tonight I am going to bed knowing that once again I called on God and he answered me.

Again I call you
And again you answer

Again I need you
and again you’re there

Once again I reach out
and you hold me

You console me
Once more and AGAIN.

When I need company
Someone just to sit with me
When I need a helping hand
Someone to understand me, yeah

When I need someone who cares
Someone to wipe away my tears
Reach out and calm me fears
I know that you’ll be there

Every time I turn around
The most amazing things I found
You’re there to pick me up
Each time that I fall down

Praise God for friends.

My Morning

• Posted by Kengi on August 31, 2009 at 12:39pm

Today was the first day for me. I slept late, well I slept until 8:30AM, but I stayed in bed and watched Good Morning America and the morning news programs. I got up and went to the gym and then came home and read two chapters of Basket Ball Jones by E. Lynn Harris. With his last books I was done with them as quick as I started them and since he is no longer here and there will not be another book, I seem to be taking my time with this one.

My friend Trav was on POZIAM on Sunday and I had the chance to listen to him and even call in and just like him when I first picked up the first book by E. Lynn Harris I was like “wait a minute. This is very familiar to me.” his books spoke to me the way no books ever have. The characters in the book were like people in my life and the situations were like situations in my life. I fell in love with his books so now to know that there not be another book, I guess I am taking my time with this one so it will last.

After reading I took some time to clean my apartment and put the clean laundry away. I cooked dinner for myself and my neighbor so I also had to clean the kitchen. This morning was really about taking time out for me and not thinking about anyone or anything other then myself. I ran some bath water and I soaked for a bit and then got out and finished cleaning the kitchen and putting things away. I had already talked to Tina and Andy to get things in place for lending them a hand. Andy offered to swing by and pick me up, but I wanted to take my time and go slow this morning.

I took some time to turn on my music and chill out and hear some gospel music and jazz music while I sat and did nothing but sit in my arm chair and look at the window. While I was listening to music I heard a knock on my door and when I opened it I saw the smiling face of my neighbor giving me back my plate “that was really good Louis, may I call you Louis?” I smile and said yes and invited him in, but he was off to the doctor and just wanted to thank me for making sure he had food to eat.

I’m really looking forward to going to West LA to hang out with Tina and Andy, plus Andy’s sister is in town and she seems like a hoot, so some chill time with her will cool too. The air here in Hollywood is not the greatest right now with all the fires that are burning, plus it is very hot, so I am really going to love being in West LA so I can get some time to ride my bike on the beach. I miss the water and I miss taking time to go down to the beach in the evening to clear my space.

As I look around my place I am smiling because I can see that even though things can get to me sometime and even though I may have a bad day I will be just fine, I have some awesome friends in my life and I have created this awesome organization that really helps people in ways where others fall short. I am smiling because I know that at the end of the day when it is all said and done, I really love who and what I see when I look in the mirror. I love the work I have created and I love the people in my life. I love the friends in my life and the joy they bring.

Today was the first morning for me and only me and I am going to make it a complete day for me and only me. I am going to hang out with my friends, get some much needed time down on the beach in the sun and I am going to take things SLOW today. I am not going to worry about things and I am not going to be concerned about anything other then ME.

Look at beach, cause here I come

Old Blogs from 2009 (July 25-31)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Unpluggin HIV “Cup Cakes”

• Posted by Kengi on July 25, 2009 at 11:00am

My mornings are pretty simple and most times they begin with two eggs and some grits, does that sound like the Jill Scott song or what? I cant start any morning without at least two cups of coffee. Shortly after this I am headed to the gym to restore my temple. This is something I started a about three months ago, but have really been making a greater effort to make sure I get it done. It involves prayer and medication, bible study to maintain my personal relationship and walk with Christ, as well as reading more, eating as healthy as I possibly can on my very low income and making certain I take time out for me to be with friends and even be alone.

Sometimes restoring my temple simple means grabbing my camera and heading out day or night to take pictures while other times it means sitting in a bubble bath and reading the new E. Lynn Harris book Basketball Jones. Whatever it is restoring the temple is all about my personal grown, mind body and soul

My Unpluggin HIV outreach is now in it’s 4th month and things have been going very well. The outreach is growing and I have already done over 30 outreaches to people living with HIV and AIDS that included outreaches to AIDS Project Los Angeles, Common Grounds, Gay and Lesbian Center The Rand Schrader Clinic (5p21) and to individuals with HIV and AIDS who live homeless on the streets.

It is my goal to have a monthly outreach to men and women who battle HIV and AIDS that are also battling homelessness, low incomes and even addiction. Currently I am working toward making this happen by September by offering a to bring my outreach to the front lines and directly to men and women who need this service badly. I am speaking with a building on Skid Row here in Downtown Los Angeles where people with HIV and AIDS live. My desire is to provide gently used clothes, Life Kits and a meal every month. In addition to this I would also like to have people come to offer support, encouragement and wisdom to the men and women of Skid Row who battle HIV and AIDS. Many of them with little or no support.

Battling HIV and AIDS alone is hard enough, but imagine battling it with no place to live, no food to eat, no clean clothes, no family, no friends and no support from an ASO. Imagine being gay or lesbian and even transgender living on Skid Row, one of the most homophobic places in the United States. HIV and AIDS already cause such feelings of isolation and the lost of hope, but add these things to it and most dont feel they stand a chance.

Unplugging HIV~empowering a positive life is about standing in the gap to help heal all the hurt of pain of not just HIV and AIDS, but of homelessness, no family or friends. It is about loving people and meeting them where they are and not judging them. It is about my love for mankind and my desire to get people to reach outside the box of “community” and strive to help heal humanity which in my humble opinion will create a greater love and understanding for all people, not just for those from one community.

When I was told I was HIV positive I never once thought of myself. In fact the very first thing I asked the head of the HIV Clinic at Harbor UCLA Medical Center was. “Will I be bale to continue my community work?” He relied “yes” I then asked him how I could bring my community to help people with HIV and AIDS. “Let’s worry about you first Mr. Carr.” Since starting my organization it has never been about me, but many times all I seem to hear is “Let’s fix it for you Mr. Carr” and each time my answer is “No, let’s not fix it for me. Let’s just fix it.”

I’ve never once thought to myself “If I do this it will make things better for me” However what I have said was “No one should ever have to go through this, so if I must endure this I must work as hard as I can to fix it for those will come after me.”

Living on Skid Row is not easy and if you think living with HIV on Skid Row is a cake walk, then you are dead wrong. I had plenty of nasty fist fights down on Skid Row. I’ve been refused housing, refused medical care which lead to a blood and even a heart infection. I’ve had a gun jammed in my face and had my ass beat down by five guys who simply felt they needed to “teach the fagot a lesson” It took five of them to try to teach this lesson because one by one I was kicking their asses, two on one I was kicking their asses and I even did pretty damn good when it was three on one, but I was no match for four on one and five on one. I was 39 at the time, very sick and really weak. Going into the fight I knew I was going to be in trouble and I knew I would have to fight damn hard to send a clear message that this “fagot” wasnt no punk and I wasnt going to run from them.

When the fight started I just prayed and said “Ok God, but I need you to protect me please.” When the fourth guy jumped in I knew it was going to get nasty and when his fist landed right in my eye, the another hit my mouth, then another to my eye I just went numb. I could hear what they were saying and could even hear the fists hitting me face and parts of my body, but I felt nothing. I felt the warmth of my blood spilling from my nose and mouth and then I fell. The last thing I head was “put this in your mouth fagot” and a foot kicked me right in my mouth.

If you think the police were any help, then you are wrong, if you think the hospital made me feel better, then you are wrong. They made me feel worse like I had in some way made this happen by being gay. When I told them I was HIV positive the attention to me and my wounds were far less. I know what isolation feels like, I know what the feeling of being alone feels like and at 39 years old I found out what having my ass kicked felt like.

Even as I lay there face covered in blood and so badly swollen it looked as if I had no eyes, I cried to God and begged him not to take my mind and my joy away from me. I begged him to give me the courage to move forward and not let what just happened to me destroy me. However I must be very honest I was starting to hate the fact that I am gay, I was starting to hate myself and I was certainly starting to want to hurt people who attacked me.

What I do has never been about me, nor has it been about any one community and it never will be. It is about love for humanity and standing up for what is right for all people, no matter what is going on in my own life. It is about raising my voice in protest to social injustice, it is about saying no to discriminator and all the abuse of homeless service organizations that are turning huge profits off people who are suffering, it is about speaking out and saying no more to ASO’s that care far more about money then they do for helping people, it is about loving people in the same manner in which God loves all of us, it is about doing all I can to help someone even if that means I go without or must endure the hurt and pain of having my ass beat, if it means that my HIV care must suffer in order to bring attention to all those who battle HIV and AIDS with very little or no medical help at all only have have their life chalked up to “stigma” or “lack of education” It is about doing something, even in the face of harsh attacks, illness, heartache and great pain. It’s about love for people

Each time I do an outreach either through Do Something Saturday~that empowers people or Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life, I am rebuilding a soul, encouraging a brother and a sister to do all they can to hold on for just a little while longer. I am adding light where there is darkness, peace to souls that are at war in love to a life that is in turmoil. Each time I walk away I cant help my cry for the people I encounter because I think to myself “why doesnt anyone care”

Through my work God has shown me what I can do, what I can accomplish, while many have told me you cant help anyone because you are homeless, you can help anyone because you are gay, you cant help anyone because you are Black, you cant help anyone because you have HIV and Iook at them and laugh and say “You cant help anyone because you are full of shit, you are full of hate and you can kick rocks”

It’s been over two years since I started my organization and I have done more for humanity then most will do their entire life. I’ve done more for humanity with no money then people will billions could ever do. Not because I am so great, or that I always say and do the right things, but it is because I am child of the most high King and he has given me favor. He’s given my power not to just climb the higher mountain, but move it out of the way so that others wont even have to look at it at all.

God will always make a way out of no way. He always has a Ram in the bush. He is my way maker, my strong tower, my shelter in the time of storm, my peace giver, HE IS MY DOCTOR in a sick room and I know without a doubt that is ONLY by his grace mercy and favor that I am still here. That I am able to fight HIV without meds. It is ONLY because of him and his grace that I am able to do ALL THINGS.

God sends me people like Mary and her awesome family who have embraced me and my organization and have asked “Kengi how can I help.” Mary is simply awesome and a baker in her own right. When I first met her she expressed wanting to help me and soon after she was involved with doing just that. Not once has she made an excuse or called and said “Kengi I can help” and later call and say “Kengi my cat is sick” or “Kengi the pizza man in late and it’s raining outside” Nope not miss Mary, like many of my volunteers, many of who are now my friends Mary does what she says.

Yesterday Mary and her kids came over and with some baked goods and yes they were good baked good too. She came with all sorts of cupcakes that were given to people who are battling HIV and AIDS. It was cool to even be able to offer some to people right here where I live who are also battling HIV and AIDS.

Each time I see Mary her smile is just so bright and filled with light. When you look into her eyes you can see a soul that is good and pure and at peace with God. When you look at her family you see the good in this country and when you look at her children you see the future of this nation.

Mary and Skyler are two awesome examples and what can take place and what God can create when LOVE shows up the way God loves us. I am talking about a love that is “unconditional” and “pure” Many people say “I cant help you unless you are a non-profit” while people like Mary and her awesome family say “I dont care if you’re not a non-profit. I want to help”

My outreach was a very small scale outreach as many of them have been these past months. I have done them alone and each time I am so blessed by the people I get the chance to meet and share a few minutes with.

“Did you bake this? It’s so good and I can taste the love in it.” is what one lady in her late 40 who is battling homelessness and AIDS on the streets of Hollywood while waiting for her housing to be approved asked me. “No Ma’am I didnt bake these, my friend Mary did and yes, she baked them with love.” I said “May I please have another one” She asked in a hushed voice. “You can have as many as you like.” She smiled and took one more and walked away.

“Hey Cupcake man!!! Can I have one?” was yelled to me from across the street and I just smiled and then had a laugh with him when he came over. It was my last one and I was happy to give it to him.

I love the work I have created, I love the people I serve and I love the people who have come to love and embrace what I am trying to do. Mary your Cupcakes were awesome and they helped bring some love into the lives of people who need it. From the bottom on my heart I say thank you. YOU ROCK

Central Avenue Jazz Festival and ME

• Posted by Kengi on July 27, 2009 at 12:30am

My day started pretty much the same way it always does, the alarm goes off and I head to the bathroom. However this morning I also needed to do a load of clothes and then get ready for the gym. But things went sour when after my clothes were done the drier didnt dry my clothes. Even after changing them into another machine, the same thing happened. Two bucks gone and my clothes are soaking wet and the other drier has people waiting in line. Kick Rocks!!

I took my clothes back up to my apartment and put them in areas where I knew they would dry and I started making myself some breakfast. It was 7:30 and I had already lost an hour and half fooling around with laundry.

Since I dont have much food I had to get creative as I do all the time when it comes to meals for myself. So it was grits, two eggs over medium and some grilled potatoes. This was simple breakfast and I am a pro at keeping things simple. Coffee wasnt on the menu today because I was out of cream and I dont drink black coffee. So it was a cup of tea with my breakfast.

While I cooked my breakfast I took some time to upload the pictures that I took last night while I was out with Dab the AIDS Bear on a picture safari. I also wanted to take some time to return emails and map out my week. I am finding that in order for me to keep up with all I do and make time for me, I must start to map things out and place myself on a schedule and this must include time for me and me only.

I have also learned that I cant simply depend on people to care for or have the same passion and drive for my organization like I have. So I must run it just like I am the only person involved. I say this because people have great ideas and awesome intentions and even make commitments to help, but then when it comes time to deliver they are too busy, have forgotten and even worse, were only talking or making comments on my blog, youtube channel or facebook page to look good in front of others.

While eating my breakfast I reached out to an old friend in the Bay Area to see if she would be interested in designing a logo for my Unpluggin HIV outreach and I also called a friend who use to help me think out ideas for things I wanted to do long before homelessness took place. Both calls were pretty cool and I am pretty sure good things will come from both.

After eating my breakfast and talking to my old friends I spent some time writing and uploading pics to my flickr page that I will later create into photo sets. While uploading pictures I was watching the ABC News show when I saw a picture of E. Lynn Harris. He is my favorite writer, so I was really wondering why his face would be on this show, but then I saw his date of birth and the date he died and I shocked. I sat for a few minutes thinking that this could not be true because it didnt even make the news. They had to be wrong is what I thought to myself. To prove them wrong I googled it and to my surprise they were right. E. Lynn Harris was dead.

That slowed my morning down. I started thinking about the first book I read by E. Lynn Harris. How from the very first few lines the book sucked me in and I was done reading it in less then 2 days. I recall I would wake up late at night and read more of the book, because I had to know what was going to happen. When the next book came out I did the very same thing. I was done reading it in no time and I would again wake up and read even when I should be getting rest for an event I would be cooking for.

Then as I sat thinking about E. Lynn Harris and how his books touched my life and my soul, made me laugh, cry, cheer and want to be a better person. His books present Black me in such an awesome way, even the ones who should not be cheering for, we cheer for. Blacks are successful in his books and many have said this is no the way Blacks live, just like they said when the Cosby show came to be on TV. Well I knew better then to believe that Blacks dont lead productive and successful lives, just like I know better to believe things like “stigma” and “education” are the main reasons why HIV and AIDS are the #1 killers if Blacks in this country.

I am currently reading Basketball Jones by E. Lynn Harris and enjoying every page.

The day was still going to be very special to me, because the 14th Annual Central Avenue Jazz Festival was taking place. This is bar far the best Jazz Festival here in Southern California and is open to the public for FREE. Yep, that’s right I said FREE.

This year, the Central Avenue Jazz Festival celebrates its 14th Anniversary here in the City of Los Angeles. This two-day event again pays tribute to the rich culture and heritage of the “Avenue,” as it was known during its heyday from the 1920s to the 1940s. In addition to some world-class jazz, Latin jazz, and blues, come partake in some great food and browse through stalls of arts and crafts.
“Each year we celebrate the rich history of Central Avenue, by bringing some of the greatest talents in blues, jazz, and Latin jazz together for an outstanding summer festival. And, this year, we have even more reason to celebrate as we anticipate the opening of four developments along the Central Avenue corridor, including our new South Los Angeles City Hall,” said Councilwoman Perry, whose office spearheads efforts to ensure the continuation of this great summer tradition. “I invite the entire community to come celebrate with us.”
Clora Bryant will kick off the weekend festivities with a lively and engaging panel discussion. And, this year crowds can expect outstanding performances form the CJS Quintent, Raya Yarbrough, Eric Reed Trio, Adonis Puentes Band, Bill Henderson, Jazz America, Littleton Brothers, Kalil Wilson, Kamasi Washington, Gerald Wilson Orchestra, and Jazz on the Latin Side. For more information, visit www.centralavejazz.com.

I wanted to attend both days, but low cash flow would not allow me to do this. Even though the event is free, it is not close to Hollywood where I live. I would have to spend $5 to get on the train and two buses to get to the event and I could not spend $5 each day. So I made the choice to attend on Sunday and the reason I did this was primarily for the Gerald Wilson Orchestra.

I first came to know the legendary Mr. Wilson when I was a small boy and my Pops took me to see him perform. I had already been long introduced to music and Jazz was huge part of my life, as was gospel music. So the chance to see him perform once again would be such a huge treat for me.

Last year I got to see him perform twice, once at Central Avenue Jazz and then again for his 90th birthday at the world famous Hollywood Bowl. That night was just as special because once again I was able to see someone whom my parents made me aware of and someone who’s music I simply love. The Hank Williams Trio. What a night that was for me.

I told me friend I would meet her there, because she tends to always run late and I didnt want to miss any of the great show that was set for Sunday. Not only would I be able to see the Gerald Wilson Orchestra, but Kamasi Washington who I came to love through Mr. Wilson and other groups would be playing with his own group and then Jazz on the Latin Side All Stars would close out the show.

Once I arrived I snapped a few pics and then saw my friend wave to me and I joined her under the tent and right away we began smiling and laughing. She is very much my Jazz friend, but she is also someone I know loves and cares for me in her own way. Most times I dont get her way, but I know she means well. When she hugs me or smiles at me I feel her love for me and I know she cares. She just sometimes has a hard time showing it, but I love her and she loves me. Today when she hugged me it felt so good. We stopped hanging out while I was homeless because I know it was just too hard for her to see her friend go through what I was, so I tried to spare her some of the hurt and pain and I just made myself not available when she called. For me it was also pretty damn hard to always have to reply on her to get my clothes washed, get new shoes or get a decent meal. When I found out I was HIV positive it was hard to tell her because I didnt want her to worry about me anymore then she already was. Once I told her she came to the hospital to check on me.

After a few minutes of hearing this vocalist from UCLA do his best to sing, but was really a mess, we went for a walk to get some food and something to drink. Just like always Central Avenue Jazz had some awesome vendors and we wanted to try them all. My friend knows my situation, so she was so kind to buy my lunch for me. She is the kind of friend who does things and will never once make you feel bad or shame you, nor will she ever remind you of what she has done.

We walked and talked and laughed and shared some conversation on President Obama, as well as how things are looking for the State of California. We also talked about how I was feeling with the Sickle Cell and where I am with the HIV. She doesnt know much about HIV, so I know when she asks questions it’s because she wants to be sure that she doesnt say or do the wrong things to others who have HIV or AIDS. I know she also asks because she wants to know that her friend is doing ok. She always smiles so big when I tell her I am doing awesome.

We both settled for BBQ, she got the Chicken Link and I got the BBQ Combo with two sides~rib tips and chicken. We then stopped and got her friend some Mexican food that looked and smelled awesome. No meal at Central Avenue Jazz would be complete without some Cajun Grilled Jumbo Shrimp. WOW, was this Shrimp Jumbo and yummy. The rib tips were something else altogether. Many people say they know what to do on the grill, but only a few can through it down right and this place wasnt one of them. The Tips tasted like they had been cooked days ago and then thrown back on the grill to warm up. The chicken was ok, the roll was hard and the potato salad was from Smart and Final. I wont even tell you about the beans.

Right as we were eating Kamasi and his group started playing and man were they good. They kicked things up right from the first cord and didnt miss a single beat the entire time. Kamasi is a native and he is loved. His style is hot and his beats are on point. This cat can play that horn well and the guys in his band hung with him every step of the way.

Now I love me some Kamasi, big nappy head and all, but the brutha on the Bass was puttin it down. The lady behind me said to her friend “I bet that boy can lay some pipe” I spit my food out when she said this and everyone around us cracked up laughing because all of us were thinking what she had just said. He was working that Bass and his face looked like his was doing just what she said.

Thing only got better when they left the stage, all of them but Kamasi and things started getting set up for Gerald Wilson and his awesome Orchestra. This man is over 90 years old and has an Orchestra that knows what Jazz is, how to play it, and how to make you love it. The other awesome thing about Mr. Wilson is that even though he glides around the stage and has such a powerful presence, this man is blind, but many dont even know it. He moves around the stage just like he can see where he is going and the style of conducting is awesome. There set was awesome and the crowd could not get enough. The kept people on their feet and when we learned that the legendary Linda Hopkins was in the crowd we all cheered for the hopes that she would take the stage and perform, but she has suffered a stroke and is unable to perform, but she can still shake with the best of them.

The last band was the sound of Latin Jazz and once again it was one of my favorite bands. They are simply awesome. The crowd was on their feet and people were dancing in the aisles. It was so cool to end the day with dancing and awesome music.

I said bye to the ladies and men I had met and even to a sexy couple that were in from Arizona. As wel walked to the their cars I was able to get a commitment from someone I met that wants to donate her old clothes to a good cause. I told her about my organization and even told her about others, but she said she would donate to mine and that made me smile very big. While we were enjoying the Jazz I got text message from my Twitter page from my biddy Shawn about a lady who has some diapers that she wants to donate. How cool is it that I will be able to pick up the donation on Tuesday for two families who can really use the help with diapers.

As I was walking in the door to my place I got a call from the man I was in love with for 15 years. The man I am still the best of friends with. He said he was listening to Jazz and thought he would call me to say hello. I laughed and told him I was just walking in from a awesome day of Jazz. He laughed and said “That’s such a Sunday for you.”

We spoke for a good while laughing and catching up. He too wanted to make sure I was feeling ok and that my HIV was still under control. Right before we hung up he told me to take care of myself. I smiled and said I would.

“You better!! I miss you Louis.”

“Ahh, I miss you too Big Daddy”

My Get Away at the Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown LA

• Posted by Kengi on July 29, 2009 at 10:30am

The other day a friend sent me a message telling me that the Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles was giving away free rooms. “wow, free rooms” I thought to myself. How cool would that be get a free night away? I went to the link he sent and in minutes I had a confirmation code and I was all set for a free night at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown LA.

Well for those who are really reading my blogs and not just looking at the pictures I post with each blog, then you know my situation and you know that I dont have a extra cent to do anything like this, so hidden cost would so not work for me. I can not even afford to pay for a deposit, I simply dont have it. I called the hotel to check just to be certain that FREE really meant just that, FREE. I also wanted to make sure there were no hidden cost or deposit required. The lady who took my call was very nice and very helpful and she assured me that there were no hidden cost and no security deposit would be required.

Tuesday morning I was up early because before leaving for the Bonaventure Hotel I needed to hit the gym and I also had to go to the doctor. I also wanted to clean my place and get my laundry ready for the wash, even though the driers are all broken at my building, I still wanted to make sure my things were ready so I can walk to a nearby laundromat. I also wanted to some reading done and start working on my outreaches for Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin HIV. After doing this for about three hours I was so ready to for my night away. It’s really sad to me how hard I have to work to get people to return phone calls or emails and these are people who have jobs that require them to help homeless people and people with HIV and AIDS. Just frustrates me that here I am doing my best to offer service and help to people and the ones who are in line to help them are standing in the way.

I was also going to try to leave early because I was set to pick up diapers from a family in Downtown Los Angeles. They had diapers that their child did not “like” so they were looking to donate the unused diapers. When I got the message from my friend Shawn I was right in the middle of listening to Jazz at the Central Avenue Jazz Festival, which was AWESOME. Right away I called two families and they said “yes” they could use and would welcome help with the diapers.

I left an email for the people offering and each time I got a reply and Tuesday morning I even got a phone call from the lady who gave me the address and phone where I would be picking them up. This was going to be so great. I night away and I will also get the chance to help a family in need by picking up diapers. Sweet!!

I get the hotel around around 3:45PM, it was just one train ride from home. However the police where in full force at the station. You would think there was some murder investigation or something had really happened by the number of police in the station. They are at the “tap” boxes demanding that people show their tickets and “tap” cards and even once you got through this there was another line of officers once again demanding for the same thing. Well it didnt stop there, because there was yet more police down on the platform and yes they were asking for your tickets. With me being the asshole that I am I asked “What is the deal with this? Dont you guys have something to do?” This question clearly made one of the jar head gang members upset and he felt he needed to try to scare me by getting in front of me saying “What did you just say?” with his hands on hips in that “I am the police dont fuck with me stance” and I looked at him and repeated what I said and I added “this make you feel so proud of yourself for the great job your doing protecting us, by giving tickets in the subway station.” I then placed my hands on my hips like “Now what” He simply walked away saying nothing. Soon after the all left the platform in a hurry. I guess the light came on at Krispy Kream. KICK ROCKS!!!!

I snapped a few pics as I walked to the hotel and once inside and at the empty front desk this smiling face called me over and she began to check me in. She was nice and welcomed me to the hotel, but she soon said the words I wasnt looking forward to hearing. “There is a $100 deposit required…….” I explained to her that I had called and was told there would be no deposit. She then asked for $85.00 and I told her I didnt have that and would not have come had I been told this would be required, especially since I know I dont have it. She went to the back and returned asking me what I could leave for a deposit and I told her what was on the card and she took the full amount.

I was checked in and given a room that was “remodeled” I was placed in the red tower on the 22nd floor with an awesome view. This wasnt my first time at the hotel, I stayed here way back in 1987 when we had one of our after proms in Downtown LA and I had a room at the Bonaventure as did many people from Santa Monica High School.

The rooms at the hotel are small, I am told that there are suites, but I have never seen one. When I got on the elevator to my room I started thinking on the after prom and the night I spent in the hotel. The smile on my face was so big that when another guest got on the elevator he said “Looks like someone is having a great time.” smiling and winking at me. I smiled back and said, “Naw, just recalling a time way back in June 1987.” This dude was hot and his smile was bright. His skin was super dark and his lips were full. We got off at the same floor and walked the same way. He walked in front of me so I got a good look at his ass. Can you say bubble butt?

“See ya later brutha” he said

“Not if you’re lucky” I smiled

As soon as I walked into the room I laughed because the room was just as I recalled…..small, but the view was awesome. The bed was big and dressed in white. This made the room pop just a bit. Right away I took a look around and then sat on the bed. I took Dab with me because I knew he wanted a day away as well. I sat him and Lov Bear on the table near the window and got some water and then made the call to get the diapers. I was surprised when I got what sounded like an answering machine of someone who sounder older then the lady I spoke to. I left a message and gave my cell phone and the number to the hotel with the room number. I was sure he was just busy and would call me later.

I talked for second to my friend Robert and then my other friend called to make sure I got into the room ok. She told me that there would be a charge and I was foolish for thinking and believing that there would be no charge. “There is always a charge Kengi, I dont care what they said, they will charge and you wont get in” Well she was right and wrong. There was a charge and I did get in. I will say this, and it isnt just for the the Bonaventure Hotel it applies to all places that say things are “free” but then slap on hidden cost and fees when you arrive. BE HONEST and CLEAR about all cost, even the COST you have to PAY as a deposit.

My view was awesome and I made certain I took plenty of pictures (day, evening and night) I left the hotel and headed out to take some pictures of Downtown LA. Again for those who read my you know I dont have great things to say about Downtown LA and this isnt because I dont love LA. I was born and raised in Santa Monica and anyone who knows me knows how much I love Southern California as well as the entire State of California. However Downtown LA has never been a great place as long as I have been alive, from what I remember. Furthermore Skid Row has only gotten for worse and I think the City of Los Angeles, as well as the County of Los Angeles has done a lousy job with correcting the many problems that face Downtown LA. Simply building high priced lofts and gentrification of any neighborhood has never been help to poor people. It only hurts them. We only need to look at Santa Monica, Venice and Downtown LA to see this. Also adding police to an area with a reputation of abuse toward the poor and homeless will also serve no purpose other then to harass and target the poor and homeless.

Way back when there was talk about redevelopment of Downtown Los Angeles it was to include housing for the very people who were already there long before the “fancy” started moving in and setting up shop, but those plans to create fair housing for those who are at the most risk of becoming homeless, the poor and actually helping the homeless were called off in order to create housing for “fancy” and those creating an atmosphere of “we are here now and you must leave”

There were no protest or candle light marches or rallies to call attention to millions that were taken from low-income housing and helping the housing to help a billion dollar builder build LA Live, that does not have to be repaid. There is no one paying attention or watching how Downtown LA is quickly becoming a place for “fancy pants” and the poor and homeless had better get use to it and just get the hell out.

Everytime I read a blog….well not everytime, there are some blogs in Downtown LA that I love and there are people that live in the “fancy” lofts that really do care about the poor and homeless and are really interested in making sure the poor and homeless are not displaced because of buildings that are not only springing up but also taking buildings that once housed the poor and low income. But there are those blogs that seem to have this “entitlement” feel to them and I have even seen some people on Twitter who have this same attitude. Let’s just be real people, YOU MOVED TO SKID ROW!!!! Just because you paid way too much for your loft doesnt mean you get to run people out who have been there long before you and will be there long after you leave.

I do love the feel of Downtown LA. There is so much there and so many awesome places there as well. If you read my blog from my trip to the ballet then you know I found some really cool places and rediscovered places that have long been a part of my life in Southern California, like Coles French Dips on 6th. I also found awesome bars as well. (please read the blog for the reviews)

The best things I love about Downtown LA is the buildings. Not the new buildings, but the old ones and how they have so much history and also have a legacy that tell a real and true story of the greatness of Downtown LA. Like the awesome theaters, the Eastern Buildings, the Central Library, the California Club and the old hotels that were once awesome way back in their day and now many are used for housing for the poor and homeless.

Hotels like the Bonaventure Hotel are to those who have been born and raised here our stanples, they are part of the history of this great city, places like Coles, Union Station, Bunker Hill are rich with this cities history and should be preserved for all of us to enjoy. Not just those who can afford to buy an over priced loft and afford crappy sandwich that is more then $15 bucks and is far worse then the food served at the Union Rescue Mission.

My night in Downtown LA was cool and the stay in the hotel was sweet. The staff was very helpful and the bed was one of the best I have ever slept on. The hotel is just as I remember it, simple with a touch of elegance. The rooms are small, but the views are stellar. While there were some things in my room that I think need some attention, esthetically since this is considered to be a “remodeled” room, but in all the stay was cool. Overall I would give the Bonaventure Hotel a 7+

It’s 10:36AM and I am about to hit the shower and get ready to leave. I have another doctors appointment and I also have to be at the gym by 2:00PM. I never got a phone call back for the people who offered the diapers and this would normally make me upset, but I have learned that people can sometimes be flakes and to be honest many people talk about helping others, but when they are presented the opportunity to do just that, they fail badly. The family who I told I had diapers for them wont have to go without. I did reach out to one of my loyal supporters who knew I would be getting the diapers and told them I want able to get them because my call went returned for one reason or another. She told me she would pick up some diapers for the family as will as a gift card to a market so they could get some food as well.

If you are ever in the Downtown LA area for stay, I suggest staying at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel, it is a great hotel and the staff is awesome, the rooms are comfy and the beds are out of this world. Be sure to see Union Station, the Central Library and get a great sandwich are Coles French Dips or step back into time and eat at Clifftons Cafeteria another Downtown LA landmark and must.

If you feel like you want to “be of service” then make a Do Something Kit and offer it to a homeless person. For information on Do Something or Life Kits please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org

The videos of my night will be on my youtube channel soon and the pictures are already on my flickr page. Just as a note I will be asking the Bonaventure Hotel for a donation of items for the Do Something and Life Kits they are passed out to homeless people and people with HIV or AIDS.

You can get links to my Flickr and youtube channel on my website in the contacts area of the site. There is also information on me, the organization I created while battling Sickle Cell, cancer, HIV and homelessness for 29 months at www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Keep It Pushin

• Posted by Kengi on July 31, 2009 at 2:35am

So Tuesday I had the chance to spend the night in Downtown LA at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel and for the most part the stay was pretty awesome. There was some confusion on the the room being a remodeled room which my card at check in said it would, but as it turns out the room wasn’t remodeled and the furniture was also in need of some attention. The was a charge to my credit card that I was told wasn’t a charge and had been deleted but that wasnt true. Someone some how made the mistake of charging me and it was not corrected until I called back in today and spoke with someone in the executive offices and the matter was fixed and I should be getting the money back on my card soon.

This will cause me some harm in the long run because with this charge to my card two bills will now not clear and thus cause late charges for me to have to pay. Although the issue is now resolved and I was assured that some training will take place to make certain that other guests will not have to deal with issues like this, the damage has been done and I will simply have to deal with it.

My overall stay at the hotel was enjoyable and I still would recommend that people check out the hotel if they are in the Downtown LA area. If you recall not more then two weeks ago I was at the Bonaventure Hotel after going to see Romeo and Juliet the ballet with my best friend Tina and we joined Andy, her boyfriend for dinner at the Brewing Company located inside the hotel. The staff was great and the food was awesome. In fact the hostess even gave me a lead on an organization that does outreaches and even provides support and educational services for people affected and infected with HIV and AIDS. I will meeting with them in September and also speaking to a group of people infected with HIV and AIDS.

I am happy with the resolve and outstanding customer service stills of the person I spoke with and how she was able to turn this completely around and still retain me as someone who really enjoyed my stay thee and someone who truly thinks this is a great property. Too many times places tend to miss the point that they are supposed to be there to provide a service to the people they are serving and even if that service is offered for FR EE it does not exclude them from performing their job just as they would for someone who is paying for it.

Again, overall the stay was enjoyable and for those who read my blog or follow my youtube channel you a fully aware of all that I have had to deal with from Sickle Cell, Cancer, 29 months of homelessness and the harshness, discrimination and abuse that went along with that and then being HIV positive for over a year year. All of this with no health care, no home while doing my best to reach out to people who are suffering through homelessness and living with HIV and AIDS.

I’ve been in my own apartment for a month and two days now, so for me to be able to get a free night at any hotel was a treat for me. Even though it will cost me more then the money that was charged to my card, it was still a cool moment along my path. I will update you as to how the situation finally comes to a close.

Wednesday afternoon was pretty busy for me. I had a doctors appointment and I also needed to touch base with the family to make sure they got the diapers that a family in Downtown LA flaked out on donating after making all the arrangements only to not return my phone call to come pick them up. What could have been a phone call to tell the family that the people who said they would donate the diapers turned out to be complete dorks and liars, one of my supporters who that it was too good to be true in the first place stepped forward to purchase the family diapers and get them gift cards to a super market. When I spoke to the on the phone it was cool to hear the sound of relief and smiles in their voices from getting the very little help I was able to provide them.

It’s always so sad to me how people can say things like “I will help” and then flake out and not have a problem with going back on their word. These are the types of people who say things like “love and light” and “Namaste” or take self improvement classes like the Landmark Forum only to emerge far more fucked up then before they entered, but some how this equates into “integrity” and makes them better then other people. It clearly gives the the right to look down on poor or homeless people.

I cant tell you how many times people have said “I have a backpack” or “I will help you feed homeless people” and then back out and act like it doesn’t matter. To be very honest many have acted like I was the one who done wrong by thinking that would actually “be of their word” and follow through on something they said they would do. “Shame on you Kengi for believing that I would help”

The thing is this, after I called the family and told them I would be able to diapers for them, this allowed them to use the money they would have to buy diapers with towards a bill. So I would be the one standing on front of them left holding the ball for some asshole who didnt even think to call and say “hey our cat got sick” or some lame ass excuse like this. Nope they didnt even feel they needed to do this because it was helping a poor family and to top things off I am some stupid ass formely homeless man with HIV, ending my 5th battle with cancer and my never ending battle with Sickle Cell and trying to help people. No they dont have to call because according to many who blog in the Downtown LA Blog homeless people are scum and not worth a damn. How’s that for “love and light”

I also had to meet with my case manager to turn in paperwork that shows I am accessing services, then I went to the gym and spent much of the evening and well into the night getting ready and planning my upcoming outreaches through Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin HIV.

Thursday was pretty busy as well. I was up early to hit the gym and then up to the food panty to get food. You guys know how I feel about food that is given to homeless people, low income families and seniors, so I was happy to see that the pantry supplied me with things that I can use and are no where close to expiration. This really created some relief for me, because I am not sure if DPSS will give me my food stamps nor the cash because they say I didnt turn in a form that was in fact turned in with my case worker and I was given a copy of the form with a signature and date it was turned in. Something that is their fault was cause me a problem. I just laughed it off because this is some of the same crap I have had to deal with, so I am sure I will have to deal with it again. However this time around I am getting all things signed and dated as well as taking pictures as well. This way there can be no question that I have not done all that I am required to do.

I was very happy that tonight was going to be yet another night where I could chill out with my friends. After a long day of running around from doctor to doctor and getting a bit stressed out about bills, I knew I could chill with friends, smile and have some laughs and awesome food.

After a fast power nap, soak in the bubble bath, two chapters of Basketball Jones~E.Lynn Harris RIP~ seeing that the drier takes my money, sounds like it is working, but doesnt tumble or heat up, I also finally got my METRO TAP, but they failed to load the monthly pass which I had already paid for and the tokens I was able to get at the food pantry are not honored at METRO ticket booths inside the train stations. How funny is that METRO issues the tokens, but doenst honor them at their machines. The “Americas Best” award is a huge joke.

I so needed a night with my friends.

It was my a birthday dinner Lourdes who I met through Andy and Tina last year when she came for my 40th pre-birthday party celebration. Pocker Night and man was I good, I won every gave and I had never played before. LOL, I backed down when Andy looked like he was about to open a can of whoop ass on me in the next hand. Well tonight was her birthday and I got to share her night with her and our friends.

We met in Winchester at Thai Talay on Lincoln. This place was sweet and cool find. As a chef I love great food and Thai is one of my favorites and this places does a great job. It is kind of tricky cause from the outside there isnt much, but when you walk in the place is very open and the decor is cool with candles and dark tables and chairs. Since I was late the food had been ordered and even though I knew I could order what I wanted I was happy to dig right into what was already on the table.

While I am not sure what I ate, I can tell you that all of it was awesome. What really rocked was the Tuna Tatare. WOW was the taste on this baby bursting with so many awesome flavors and it melted, yes melted in your mouth leaving you wanting more and more. There was some noodle dishes that was also very good and the chicken dish was stellar as well.

Our table conversation ranged from Downtown LA, cameras, homelessness, HIV and AIDS, medical issues, USC, ucla and Michael Jacksons funeral and the LAKER parade. Parks that only certain people can use and so much more. Oh yeah Phil Jackson was there with his date.

The service was awesome and the waitress was on top of her game. Not once did we have to aks for anything. Water and Iced Tea stayed full and she wasnt smothering. Tina told me how helpful she was with the menu and making sure that everyone was happy with what they ordered.

After dinner Tina and I had some cool conversation on the way back to their place and once there we had more cool laughs and conversation with Andy. I had a glass and wine and shortly after chilling out and sharing more smiles and laughs Andy drove me home.

As I sit here and type this blog, I am looking back over my day and seeing all the things that could have set my day down a different direction, but I refused to allow outside things control my how my day was going to play out. I refused to allow things out of my control affect how my day would end up, refused to allow mistakes made by others which will have a direct impact on my life shape or mold my state of mind and thus determine how I would spend my day.

Even though I was upset with the charge to my credit card and it not being taken care or handled right from the start and still not getting taken care of after I spoke with someone when I checked out. Even though I will now have to pay extra for bills, I could have let this upset my entire day, but I make the choice to voice my disgust and let the right person know that I was not happy and let it go. Knowing the rest would have to fall into place and it did.

I could have allowed the MANY mistakes that METRO has made to cause me to get so upset that I yell and scream at people or even allow it to screw up my night with my friends, but again I simply rolled with it and didnt allow it to shape how my day was going to unfold. I am in control of my day and how things will play out. I am in charge of what will and will not come into my space and shape me.

As a footnote I was able to go see my case manager at APLA and it was very cook to speak with her and make sure she and I are cool. I also wanted to make sure she knows without a doubt that I have nothing but respect for her and the job that she has done for me. I also wanted to make her aware that I would changing my case management over to where I get my medical care simply because it makes better sense, is better for me. We laughed for a long time and talked about how things have changed for me and how cool it is that my thoughts are no longer about if I would have to fist fight for my things, if a doctor or nurse would treat me like I am some wild animal that needs to be put down, to now going to the ballet, public speaking, working harder to grow my organization and having people who are suffering through homelessness, HIV and AIDS or cancer and Sickle Cell reaching out to me for advice, love, support, encouragement, inspiration and empowerment.

My blog and vlog have been called an indictment for homeless service agencies and AIDS Service Organizations> I’ve been told that my thinking is “backwards” and that I am “stupid” but when you look and clearly see and consider that Los Angeles has the largest homeless population in the nation (over 80,000) and places like Skid Row and yes even Santa Monica continue to make things like poverty and homelessness a crime and as long as HIV and AIDS remain the #1 cause of death for Blacks in this country while people say it is “stigma” and “education” as the driving force, this is what is “Backwards” and “stupid” and the only “Stigma” and “education” taking place in all of this is the old guard refusing to see that the old outdated ways of doing business have never worked and people are still very much still being wiped out by HIV and AIDS and to ignore the very people who are at the greatest risk is simply wrong and anti-human.

There isnt a day that goes by that someone doesnt attack what I do, or call my “stupid fagot”, “homeless fuck” or even “dumb nigger” but there also isnt a day that I dont get a phone call, email, comment from someone battling as hard as they can against a system designed to fail them tell me “Thank you for standing up for me” or “thank you for giving me a voice” There isnt a day that goes by that a homeless person doesnt remind me that what I just did for them helps them, makes them feel like they count, helps them to hold on and give it another go. There isnt a day that someone infected or affected with HIV or AIDS doesnt say “thank you” and there isnt a day that one of my awesome friends or loyal supporters doesnt show up and help me make the day of someone who has far less.

Nana use to say “folks only talk bullshit about you because they too damn lazy to get off their asses to help someone other then themselves. It is easier for them to sit and try to find things wrong with what you’re doing. Well I say fuck them.”

Ma use to say “while they are talking about you, take a good look at what they are really doing and when you see it isnt about nothing but tearing down, masking it in building up, you jut keep steppin.”

Pops use to say “so what, let em talk shit. You know the deal”

My case manager says “Keep is pushin Kengi”

and I say “KICK ROCKS!!!!”

I love the work I have created, I love the people I serve, I love the people who support and embrace my work, not because of community, but HUMANITY and I love the awesome friends in my life.

To people with HIV and AIDS and homeless people who battle poverty, abuse, poor medical care and never feeling like anyone hears you or cares for you. I CARE, I WILL ALWAYS CARE, I WILL ALWAYS STAND UP FOR YOU, I WILL ALWAYS RAISE MY VOICE IN PROTEST AGAINST THOSE WHO ABUSE YOU.

If this means I get called names and must endure attacks against my character and my organization, then so be it, I this means people dont speak to me because I have said something that is TRUE, but many are afraid to say about their Homeless Service Organization or AIDS Service Organization and the harm they DO cause, then I guess I wont get invited to the “fancy party” or sit at the “fancy people table” or get a chance to go into the “fancy lofts: and look down on people. SO WHAT. I never wanted a seat at that table and I never wanted to attend that party and those lofts dont impress me.

Since Jesus wasnt hanging out and chilling with all that is “fancy” and “sparkly” then I wont be doing that either.

Old Blogs from 2009 (July 2-24)

// May 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

My Own Apartment

• Posted by Kengi on July 2, 2009 at 7:15pm

Tuesday was “moving day” for me and the day before I was filled with so much joy and emotion. That night I got very little sleep because I felt like it was Christmas and I knew I had been a “good boy” and I was about to get the best present under the tree.

I was up early to make some NorthStar Fine Coffees and then Dab the AIDS Bear and I needed to finish getting all packed up. So most of the morning was spent packing things and making sure I fully ready for my big day. This has been a long time coming for me and right now I feel so great.

This week has been filled with getting settled in and making sure I have taken care of all that I needed to take care of. It’s funny how I feel like I am doing work that people get paid to for, but I get no pay for it and if things fall apart I will be back on the street and they still get a pay check. Funny how you can get paid for helping people remain homeless. Just got to love the Ame

Sunday Dinner and “Stigma”

• Posted by Kengi on July 13, 2009 at 1:24am

rican way right?

My very first night I had a weenie roast and I took a long hot bath complete with candles and some jazz. I was in the tube for so long I am surprised I didn’t turn into a prune or something like that. LOL. The next day was filled with making sure I got the final part of the application for HOPWA turned in. My apartment manger did it all with me the very same day I took it to her, but thing arent so smooth at my ASO, in fact I was told that I would be turned down for the move in grant before they even processed it. It really makes me sick how people just make decisions about things they do not control. Or how they act like the money is coming directly from their paycheck.

Tina and Andy really helped me get settled in by helping me move what little I had in their truck and once we were there they took me to the 99 cent only store to get some things. SWEET. The 99 cent store is great and since I’ve been going without for such a long time it is my favorite place to get the things I really need and not by an arm and leg for them. This really helps because with the very small about of income I have coming in each month it really leaves no room from extras of any kind. Nor does it allow for mistakes. One wrong buy and my entire budget is shot.

Thanks to Andy and Tina I was able to get the all the basic things from the 99 cent store, plus some food as well. As California is facing budget crisis and things that are taking the hardest hits are programs that I now have to rely on to help me with things like food and transportation. My ASO can only offer 400 free bus passes per month and now MTA has forced them to create a list of who will be getting it. I applied for my MTA TAP CARD over three months ago and it still hasnt come. Today I went to do it again and I was told that they some how lost it, but they had no problem keeping the money I paid. How lame is that?

What METRO pulled here in LA would simply never fly in places like New York because everyone, even the rich ride METRO and here in LA only the poor ride, so rolling out problems that will only hurt people is easy to do because no one is speaking for and cares about things that will cause major hardships for the poor. Right now if you dont have a TAP card you must pay $1.25 each time you ste foot on a bus or train. The no longer any transfers to other Metro buses or trains. Furthermore you have to pay for the card as well. Pay to get, pay to use. It’s a win, win for MERTO but a huge hardship of people like me. I cant afford to pay METRO twice, but if I need to get to the doctor or any place else I will have no choice. I had to load $20 on the regular TAP Card and pay the $2.00 plus pay the $2.00 for the other card I wont get for at least a month, then pay to load it once it comes. If there is money left on the old card I will not be able to transfer it. So METRO makes a grip while people like me get choked.

Wednesday afternoon two friends came by my place with dishes and things for my place as well as things for the bathroom along with TV’s and a stereo, so this too was very cool and once again has made it a bit easier for me. Now I dont have to buy these things with the money I dont have. I was super happy because although I know both these womean I have only met one of them, but man was it nice to have people over in my own place. After they left I sort of felt sad because I didnt have aplace where they could sit and be comfortable, but I know this will come in time.

I really cant wait to cook and have friends over for a dinner party. That is going to be so nice. I was really looking forward to finally having a place to do this, plus all the ceramics I and paintings I made at Being Alive, but those things are long gone because the “friend” I left the with three them out and failed to even give me the chance to pick them up. The others were not done and since Being Alive has moved to its new location I have not been able to get over there and see if they are still there.

So I am in Hollywood now and right in the middle of it. I am between the Vine and Highland stops with shopping and places to eat very close by. I joined the Y that is just a few steps from where I am, so now I really have no excuse why I cant work out and it is cheaper the 24 hour fitness and much better geared toward me.

I spent most of my morning at the doctor then over at my ASO and after I had my first appointment at the gym to work out with a trainer and I feel really good right now. I need to head to a goodwill or thift store to find a cheap phone and some pots, pans, toaster and coffee maker as well as a coffee grinder. I have to do all of this a small budget, so I am so hoping that stuff works well once I get it back home.

So this is the update for now. The video from the moving day is loaded and I will load more once I get my internet in place. I am so hoping it will go smooth and now have to wait the entire weekend only to get an “we are sorry” but I still have to pay for it.

Getting Settled in

• Posted by Kengi on July 4, 2009 at 2:30pm

The past few days have been really rather cool for me. I am doing things for myself that I havent done in over three years. Really longer then that when I think about it, because while I was taking care of my Pops my life was pretty much on hold, then I got sick as well and all things came to a complete stop.

As I sit back and look on things there is this feeling that my life came to a complete stop and everything around me keep right on moving without missing a beat. Almost like I wasn’t there at all. Even friends who knew what was going on in my life, they too moved on and didnt even stop to consider that the person who was once their “ACE” was hurting, but they were far to busy to care.

Right now it seems like I am looking behind me at the storm that just destroyed so much and I am smiling because even with all the destruction that I am looking back on, I am still standing, still smiling, still strong and the man my parents would be so damn proud of and the friends that I thought had walk off and left me are now behind me and there is no place for them in my life anymore.

It’s funny how what I have gone through has made me so much better then I was before and how now when I look at the people who were once in my life, my thought is “WTF were you here for?” but in everything and yes even the things that we dont like, the tears, the heartache and pain, there are lessons for us to learn and grow from. So as I have said before I wouldnt change a thing if I could go back and do this all over again know the outcome, because it was all part of my path and my purpose. Morever it has shaped me into the man that God would have me to be, not what man would have me to be.

Please dont get me wrong, I am in no way saying I am anything close to perfect, shit I know that I have my flaws and my draw backs, but I am happy that I am no longer the man I once was and I am damn proud of the man I now see in the mirror. I am also damn proud of what I have set my mind to create even though my world was under constant attacks that were meant to destroy the awesome man my parents gave birth to and also meant to destroy the destiny and purpose God has called me to do. Even in the the wake of the storm God provided for me and made sure I knew I was still his child, still had his favor and his grace was all over me.

Each time I wanted to give up, God sent me just what I needed to make me strong and carry on. Even in the form of hate and evil, they were part of Gods plan for me. Now as I turn to look away from the storm of my past and as the chapter closes I am happy to see some awesome new friends who I know truly care for me and love me in spite of my flaws and short comings. Friends who will stand with me and will always be there to help me get back up when I stumble and fall.

Tina and Andy, you never gave up on me, never doubted me and loved me unconditionally. Provided for me when others only wanted to see what they could get from me. Not you two. You stood guard when I needed to rest and stood up to the forces that came against me. You made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry. You saw in me what my parents created and refused to allow me to give up. I am so thankful to God for people like you in my life. You are my family and I am so richly blessed to have you both in my life. With my entire soul I love you both.

As I move forward I know I will have two awesome gifts from God right behind me to help keep me on track and not me forget that I am awesome and I am one in a million and what God created in me, he didnt create in anyone else. I am an original. Thanks for seeing past my flaws and loving me.

I also see so many other new friends and I am smiling because I know that you all are answers to my prayers. I am happy to be moving forward with great new people in my life. People who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be. Thanks to all my new friends and you all know who you are

Sunday Dinner

• Posted by Kengi on July 8, 2009 at 12:12pm

Sunday dinner was always a special time for me growing up as kid. It was a time to not just be with my family, but with close friends of the family as well. Sunday mornings were spent in church and then after morning service we’d gather and have a great meal that was prepared by either Ma. It was a great time and we were didnt have Sunday dinner at home, we had it at my Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house and again it was filled with family and friends.

Sunday dinners weren’t and never are so special when your homeless. To be very honest the only decent meal you’re luck to get is around Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s only if you venture into Downtown Los Angeles and I never did this.

Since I started my outreach to homeless people it has been my goal to restore dignity and respect in all the services that I try very hard to offer. Meals have been something I have fussed over each and every time I have made plans to serve and in times past it was always met with people telling me to do things a “cheaper” way to “feed more people” but my goal has never been to feed in large volumes, but to simply provide a quality meal to as many as I could. I had always hope that this would inspire others to do what they could to do the same.

Sunday, June 28, 2009 I set out to create a Sunday dinner that was very much like the one I grew up with. I wanted it to be a home cooked meal and I wanted people to feel like they had someone that cared for them and someone who would listen to them. I wanted to try to create a since of family and belonging for homeless people. I wanted to do this in love and with respect.

This outreach was not going to be like others I had planned, it wasn’t going to include many people cooking and buying things for the meal like outreaches in the past such as the Easter Feast or others. This time the food had to be made by someone who understands and does not question, someone who wasn’t going to try to cut corners in order to feed more people, it needed to make with love and not out of wanting to be patted on the back or recognized.

Ma never made excuses, she never wanted to be recognized or placed on some pedestal far out of reach from the people she loved, she did what she did every Sunday without fail, without excuse, without complaint and she did it when she was sick and not feeling her best and each time it was done in love and a great respect for all who would later eat it.

I recall the time she spent the day before baking breads, making cakes and pies and then Sunday morning, very early she was up making things like cornbread dressing and then the smells of roasts would fill the air and like magic I knew it was Sunday and later there would be a feast and it would be shared with my family and friends.

So I prayed and asked for guidance and favor and just like he always does God heard my prayer and supplied what I had asked.

I went shopping the day before and started cooking early Sunday just like Ma use to. Since I know I would not be attending morning service at any church like I use to when I Ma use to cook, I made certain I had gospel music on to help me do the very best I could to recreate something that was so very special to me as a kid.

Unlike Ma, my funds were low, so I had to pray very hard because what I was trying to do was something like the sermon on the mount and I truly needed God to bless it to feed as many people God would have me to feed and do so with respect and love.

My menu was simple, but is one that I love so much, as former private chef and caterer I have had the pleasure of cooking for many people and cooking all sorts of awesome meals for some pretty awesome events, but this time was by far the most special to me, because it was the very first time that I would try to do something Ma did so well without fail and I would be doing for people who truly needed something like this. A home cooked meal, made with love and respect.

The menu was Garlic Roasted Chicken, Mixed Vegetables, Red Mashed Potatoes with Garlic with bread, bottle water and a pair of socks.

The day before I spent the day down at Chess Park down at Santa Monica State Beach where I was able to feed over 25 people a meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Biscuits, Potato Salad, Rice Pudding and water. I also passed out two cell phones as part of my Stay-n-Touch program that provides free cell phones to homeless people with 30 minutes already loaded on them in an effort to allow homeless people to remain in control of there own destiny.

I was blessed to spend the day with my homeless family listening to their stories of hardships and great victories, like those of Jerry who is now off the streets and staying at PATH for 90 days. Jerry is also working on his art and doing all he can to make the most of the 90 days he has at PATH so that he is better able to get a job and make some money that will allow him to care and take care of himself. He is also working on getting some of his artwork made into copies. It was so nice to see such a huge smile on his face while I was there.

Sunday was spent with people I really don’t know all that well and with some I don’t know at all, but I am so glad I took time out to check in on them and as it turned out I was able to meet some other cool people are well. The cool thing was that I was able to visit with each stop I made and take my time. The people I visited with were so happy that I would even think of them at all and were blown away that I wasn’t a church. One guy was pretty funny when he said “I could tell you wasn’t no damn church bye the meal you are giving us and how you ain’t making us hear no story about how God loves us.” He went on to say that he knows God loves him and didn’t need some stranger “with a bag of soggy sandwiches to me that”

It’s funny to me how I recently saw the Dream Center down on the beach rounding up people and speaking with them, but before they fed them the meal with pasta and day old pizza homeless people are forced to listen to the message that Christ has from them. When I told the guy that this doesnt lead people to Christ, but make them resentful toward him and the real message that is love, he just smiled at me and asked what I knew about the Dream Center.

I told him what I knew from having been a guest of the Dream Center and what I saw and how I was treated wasnt anything like any dream I ever wanted to have ever again. It should be called the nightmare center or you will take Christ the way we jam him down your throat or u can get ur sorry ass out center. When I told him that forcing people to pray and forcing them to read bibles and accept things that are forced upon them in the name of Christ is wrong and is not the message of Christ and certainly does not represent any of the message of Love and Peace that Christ stands for he simply replied. “It isnt for everyone”

“It isnt for everyone? I am sorry but isnt the love of God and message of his son Jesus for everyone?” again he looked at me and said “Yes it is and I never said that it wasnt. You are twisting my words.”

“No I am not twisting anything. I am simply asking you to examine what you are saying and doing in the name of Christ. You said yourself that the message and Love of God and Christ is for everyone. Did you not just say that?”

“Yes, I did, but…..”

“Excuse me, it is a yes or no answer and there is no but, when it comes to God and Christ. Man created the but and all the rules, regulations, persecution, red tape and hold ups. Man did this, not God. Man created the program over at the Dream Center that isnt for everyone, not God, because the message of God and his love is for all walks of life equally so when you create things that doesnt include evertone then you create something that is not of God. You say your program in not for everyone, but the love of God is for everyone, so how in Gods name can you say that you are doing the work of God when you say it isnt for everyone? Did God tell you do create this program?”

“Excuse me sir, but the message of God is for everyone, but our program isnt. Everyone is not going to want to do what they are required to do in Christ in order to get better. Do you understand?”

“Oh I clearly understand that you have created something that is not of God, but you call it God loves and it isnt for everyone. You see the Bible says that nothing can separate us from the love of God, but you have created a program that does just that when you say things like it isnt for everyone. This is why God is who he is and you are not him, because you would only allow the love of God to fall down on those who think and accept what you put out, even though it is wrong. See the God I love lets his light shine on all and his love is for all people. Do you understand?”

“Well we have to go feed people now and do the work of the Lord.” he said as you looked me up and down like I was some peasant that had just touched his royal robe. As he walked away calling for the homeless people to go with him not many of them did go with him and I asked why. The answer they had was the same, but one guy said it best. “with all the money that church takes in, you mean to tell me that they cant afford to buy a decent loaf of bread or a pizza that isnt made to be in the garbage and I am supposed to believe that this is what God has for me? This is his love for me? Spoiled food that will make me sick? Just because I am homeless doesnt mean I dont know the word of God od what his love is all about.”

I sat with the guys for a bit before heading off to my next location where I bumped into Irving who I had met a few days before near the 7-11 on Santa Monica Boulevard, today he was sitting with JG listening to music in a small concrete park. I offered them meals and they were happy to accept them. We talked for a bit and the guys even let me shot a video of them.

Irving has been homeless for over 9 years now while JG has been homeless about 3 years. They both seem like good guys and I am sure there are plenty of reasons why they are homeless. Some good and some bad, some their fault and some the fault of a system that is designed to fail, but whenever the case is my mission and call was to feed them and visit with them and this is what I did.

JG and Irving are very different from one another. JG tried hard to find the good in his situation so that it is easy for him to deal with it. He talked about how he tries to always stay and remain positive even though he is dealing with some rather grim things. On camera he was funny and kept things light, but off camera he talked about how hard things are and how hard it is to sometimes find a place to sleep where his things wont be stolen or he wont have to fight.

Irving is in a wheel chair which makes him a very easy target, he spoke to me a few days earlier how he is always being picked on and how his things get taken from him. While he really didn’t want to talk on camera on this day once I stopped filming and he and JG told me what was going on with him my heart sank. They told me stories of how some homeless people have beaten Irving up and even tipped him over in his wheel chair. How they take his toiletry items and his sleeping items from him. As I sat and listened to these two men talk about how Irving is treated I thought to the times when I had to fight for my things and how I was told that I should pawn my laptop and camera. How people acted like since I was homeless I had no right to have such things.

I sat with the men for a while before a few more people came up, one of them a older woman that did not look at me at first, but when she did she had a black eye and what appeared to be a lip that had been busted. It was still rather big. I asked her if she was hungry and when she said yes, but asked for two bottles of water I was more then happy to give them to her. The guys even offered up their water to her and began to ask her if she was ok and how she was feeling.

I stood back and did not ask questions and I wasnt about to ask if I could take her picture, nor was I about to get into something she may not have been ready to talk about with a complete strager and from what I could tell the guys were taking very good care of her and making sure she was ok. JG quickly took her meal and began to cut it up for her and the others told her that she needed to try to eat something. When she began to cry out loud I had to turn and walk away because my tears began to fall. I looked at Irving as I did and asked him to watch my bike and trailer for me and I walked over to the courts and cried with my head in my hands. This woman could have easily been my Grandmother and there sat with fat lip and a black eye crying and hurting from whatever happened to her.

It wasnt long before one of the guys who walked up with her came over and asked if he could have another plate of food and I said yes. He bent down and asked why I was crying. He told me not to worry about her, that he would make sure she was safe from now on. I asked what happened and he said some girls from University High had beaten her up. When I asked why he looked at me and said “cause they didnt have nothing else better to do and she is homeless”

“Look hear son, you dont know just how much this meal helps us, these socks and thangs may seem like nothing to you, but they the world to us and we are so thankful for it. You stop that crying and keep doing what you do. You hear me boy?”

I looked up and said “Yes sir” As I did he put his hand on my back and said, “she gonna be alright.”

He walked away and I sat there for a minute and then dried my face and walked back over. I sat with them for a bit longer and each of them shared a part of them with me. We also laughed and told jokes and they told me stories about what is was like growing up when they were kids. In that moment my eyes filled with tears once again, because I was thinking of the times I would spend Sundays with my family, my Aunts and Uncles and even Great Aunts and Uncles and I would hear their stories about growing up in Santa Monica and how great that sleepy little town use to be. A far cry from what it is now. Even though my eyes were filling up with tears again, my soul was very happy.

I said my goodbyes and we all exchanged hugs and laughs and I jumped back on my bike and headed over to the park to see if I could find my friend Gary. Gary and some friends sleep at a park near my friends Tina and Andy’s place and the last few times I was there he wasnt around but I was able to leave meals and things with people in his camp. However today I had the awesome pleasure of talking with Gary, but before I did while I was filming a guy walked up and asked if I had any extra food.

His mane was John and while I didnt remember him he remembered me from the two outreaches I did to the cold weather shelter in West LA. He even remembered my name. After giving him some food and talking with him for a bit he told me that he too had found a place and would be moving into a garage later that week of a woman he was doing some yard work for. He said her son was so happy with the work he had done around the yard that he offered to covert the space for him so he didnt have to sleep on the streets at night. He only asked that John not have company of the space and not make too much noise. John told me he quickly agreed and even offered to continue to do the yard work for free in exchange for the mans offer. He said them son told him no, that he would pay for for his work and the place to stay was for free as long as he wanted it and as long as he didnt cause a problem.

The smile on Johns face was awesome and he even gave me some news on the lady who had helped in the kitchen the second time we did the outreach at the shelter. He told me she and her husband were making plans to open a place that would offer daily meals and clothes to homeless people in need. I was so happy to hear this and I asked him to tell her hello from me.

“I stood by and heard what you told that one drunk the second time you can with that pretty girl (Niambi) how you told him to hang on and that whatever he was going through he needed to do all he could to stay in control and change it. You said we each play a role in our situations and that only we can work to change them. You were talking to him, but what you said reached me, so thank you for being there and saying what you said. It really helped.”

After speaking with John and hearing his awesome news I moved forward to visit with Gary who is a homeless vet and an all around awesome guy. Today he was there so I was able to visit with him for a while and offer meals the to the people around him. The last time I had seen Gary I knew he was going to court for “camping tickets” he got from all shirts in one day. I was so happy when he told me the judge dismissed all the tickets and gave him 30 days in country jail, but with 30 days credit, meaning time served. Gary had this huge smile on his face and was so happy that he he got a judge that understood. He talked about how God allowed that to happen for him and how thankful he was to God for allowing him not be serve one day in fail and not have to pay one cent for any of those tickets.

I sat with Gary for a while and the only bad news he had to report was that the police told him he had to move on because someone had complained about homeless people being in the park where children play. The sad thing is that where Gary and his friends are located in the small park is against the 405 freeway and this isnt your typical park, it is a park with two baseball diamonds and there are no play areas for kids. The only time the parks are in use is when the little league is there for practice or games. In fact while I was talking with Gary two of the coaches and four parents came over to check on him and the rest of the camp. When Gary told them he had to move, they were all outraged and upset that someone had said anything. One of the coaches told me that he was never and neither were any of the other people ever a problem and many of the kids and families looked forward to seeing Gary and the others on Saturday.

As Gary was telling me how one lady even offers to keep their clothes clean for them, she walks up with her sons, one with a USC football jersey on carrying four large bags of clean clothes that belong to the people in the camp. She gave Gary and hug and a kiss and asked how he was doing and her sons hugged him as well. They too were sad to hear that they had to leave and upset that someone had said anything about them being there.

I had a chance to speak with the woman and her sons, very sexy sons I might add and why they started helping Gary and the people of the camp. Turns out that when her husband left her after the birth of their third son for a younger woman right as she was about to deal with breast cancer, she found herself with no income and no way of caring for herself or her sons. She told me how her friends turned on her and were not help at all and how she and her three sons slept in their mini-van for over three years Kentucky before she simply got the car fixed and drove to LA.

“We slept in the car for almost four months while I worked part time and saved my money. It wasnt easy because the boys needed things and it was very hard for them to do go school and have a normal life while we lived in the damn car. But some stranger saw us sleeping in the car one night and the next day she offered to get us a motel room.”

The stranger put them up at the Huntly Hotel in Santa Monica for three months and then helped them move into a house in Santa Monica and helped her get a better job. She told me the woman has since passed away, but they will never forget what she done for them and she felt like she needed to pay it forward and this is how she does it. Her boys are 16, 19 and 21 and so well adjusted with huge hearts and these smiles that are just blinding.

Gary told them how he met me and how nice I was to him and the people who camp there. When they asked why I did what I do I told them and they each embraced me. The older son Seth who is 21 found out he was HIV positive just 6 months ago. As I spoke about being HIV positive myself and how hard it has been for me to just get a doctor I feel I can trust and feel safe with and how it is so important that I remain vocal and very proactive not just for my own health care, but for others as well, is when Seth told me he was HIV positive and I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Shortly after coming to LA and wanting to help his Mom and brothers, Seth learned that his beautiful body could make lots of money to help and he began tricking to help his family. I wasnt long before this lead to drugs and this is when his mother found out that him not coming back tot he van at night wasnt because he had football practice or was hanging out with his “girl friend”

Seth is currently not on HIV meds and doing very well, but the grace of God. He is also very open and honest about his HIV and speaks about it as often as he can. I was so touched and moved by the strength and courage of this young man and touched even deeper by the love and faith this family has in God and for each other. Looking at how the looked at Seth while he spoke and how I saw the care and concern and heartfelt love they have for him and each other was just so inspiring and so uplifting for me. Seth asked if he could remain in contact with me and I said yes and he family offered to help me with what I was doing as well. Before I left they gave me hugs and his other kissed my forehead and said “your parents are looking down on you and they are so proud.” I was floored by this and began crying because I never told them a thing about my parents.

As I walked over to my bike Seth called out to me and he called me by my name “hey Louis.” I turned around smiling and said “What’s up big daddy” and he laughed and gave me a hug and said “thanks so much for sharing yourself with us today. It really helped me see tat I need to remain strong.”

“No worries dude. You are on the right track. Just stay on it and know that all this, (pointing to his body) in nothing without this. (pointing to his heart) Your life is far from over Seth and you know this. You stay strong and be the good man that your Mother raised you to be. Know that you can reach out to me anytime you need to man, no matter how late or early. If you need someone to talk to then you reach out. Understood?”

“Understood big daddy” he said laughing.

I jumped on my bike and headed out to pass out the last of the meals I had and it wasnt long before I found the last two people to give them to. They were in Westwood Park along side the fence near a family that was having a birthday party. The two homeless people we tucked away on the hill side doing their best not to be a bother to the family. I rode up along side next to them and asked if they were hungry and they looked at me like many homeless people do, in shock that I would even think to ask them if they were hungry. They said yes and I gave them the last meals I had. Since I had packed extra water with me I was able to give them extra water as well. I didnt want to draw any further attention then I already had by coming over to them and giving them food, so I smiled and told them to have a good night. “Thank you and God bless you” they both called out as I walked back to my bike. “You’re very welcome and God bless you. Be safe.”

Back on my bike and pulling off on of the men from the birthday party stopped me asking me why I had done that for them. He asked if I knew them. I told him that I didnt know them and I did it because it is the right thing to do and that I had the food to do it. He then asked what church I was from and I told him I wasnt from any church, that it was my own grass roots organization that I created when I was homeless. He then asked if I had a website and if I was a non-profit. I gave him the website and I told him I was not a non-profit and if he was thinking about donating that I would not be able to offer him a tax write off or anything like this. He smiled and said what I was doing was great and he would be in touch soon.

I biked out of the park and headed back to Tina and Andy’s and as I did the sun was setting and my back tire was in need of repair. I had broke the back spoke the day before while pulling the trailer back from Chess Park after my outreach there. I should have taken the bike to fix the repair myself but the main concern for me a the time was to feed people and this is what I did.

My first Sunday dinner for homeless people turned out to be great. What Ma had created and instilled in me is awesome and the feeling of cooking for people and doing it in love and not wanting anything in return was such an awesome feeling, because what God supplied through me for homeless people he also supplied the clear message of his love, grace, mercy and favor not just for homeless people, but for me as well.

I set out to create a meal made with love and respect for people and what God showed me is that it was so much more then that and that the work he has called me to do is awesome and he is pleased with it. The people spent the day with were awesome and so full of life in spite of their situations, they know what the love of God is and how the message of Christ applies to them, not matter what some doctrine or man tells them. The sun was setting and I had a smile on my face because I just spent Sunday helping people feel just a bit better about life and their situations.

I will now do Sunday dinner as often as I can and will do it in the same manner and with the same amount of love and respect and a heap of dignity the way they were prepared for me.

Dab and I had a great Sunday, this was now day 16 of my back to back outreaches to people living with HIV and AIDS and people who are homeless and man was I feeling very good about the work I had done and how I was able and blessed to do it and the love respect in dignity is which I set out to do it. As I thought about what the man from the Dream Center told me “It isnt for everyone” I laughed and said out loud. “You’re so right, the work that God called me to do isnt for everyone, but the love of God is for all.”

The socks for this outreach were provided by my friend Tina and the food was provided by me through the check I finally received from speaking for AIDS Project Los Angeles. I serve an on time God.

Who Would Have Thought?

• Posted by Kengi on July 10, 2009 at 5:49pm

Monday, July 6, 2009 I sat out to do something I hadn’t done in a very long time and this was an outreach on Skid Row. There are many reasons why I have not been back down to Skid Row, the main reasons are because of the the hurt I was forced to endure at the hands of places that say they are there helping people. Other reasons are the many fist fights I had while I was on Skid Row.

Growing up I had my fair share of fist fights, but those fights don’t even compare to the ones I had to fight down on Skid Row. They weren’t like fights I ever had before, no these fights were for my life many times and could have cost me life. So I guess one could say that I dont have a great deal of love for Skid Row, nor is there a great deal of love and respect for the missions and shelters there. There certainly isn’t any respect for Skid Row Housing Corporation.

I grew up in Santa Monica and Downtown Los Angeles has never been anything nice. In fact it was and still is a very nasty place. I really dont care how much gentrification or how many rich people move there to buy high price lofts that are doing a very good job to displace low income and homeless people, nor do I care how many Whole Foods or Parks are built there. Downtown Los Angeles is just foul.

Now matter how much you dress up something that really needs to be cleaned up and addressed it will always be dirty and foul. So the building of parks that the people who are low income, poor and homeless will never be able to use, the building of high priced lofts that only cater to those with excess and a police force that is nothing short of a gang with the right to inflick hurt, harm and terror the poorest of Downtown LA’s residents will never be a pretty place to me. Moreover it should not be a pretty to anyone.

If you some how think that Gays and Lesbians who suffer through homelessness and poverty are the exception to the rule, then you are dead wrong. There is no magic, no pink triangle and no rainbow that protects Gay and Lesbians for having to deal with the hardships of homelessness by providing them safe haven within the “community” Nope just like straight homeless people Gays Lesbians get a one way ticket to Skid Row as well and many of the ASO’s give them first class tickets. If you are gay or Lesbian suffering through homelessness and HIV or AIDS you too will get a one way ticket to hell. The bottom line is this, you are homeless, worthless, a fuck up, scum, low life, and all else that comes from being homeless, so the fact that you are gay or lesbian and have HIV or AIDS don’t mean shit. You’re homeless and homeless people don’t matter for shit. But you had better put that rainbow and all that other bullshit away down on Skid Row. They don’t take kindly to fagots and dikes on Skid Row. Now that’s real talk.

I am sure there are people who will tell you that they had a grand time on Skid Row and that things really were not that bad down there. In fact I am sure there are plenty of people all over who have suffered through homelessness and now say it really wasn’t that bad. I use to have a friend with AIDS who once told me he was bleeding in the streets of New York City and it really wasn’t that bad. If bleeding in the streets is fine and not that bad for some people, then more power to them, but this isn’t normal and isn’t ok for most normal people. I don’t think I know anyone besides this person who would consider bleeding in the streets not that bad or normal.

Planning to do an outreach on Skid Row really was not on my mind at all. I was in fact planning to do an outreach but that was the last place I ever thought I would go. Especially at night and alone, but this is where I was lead to go and I am so glad I went because it was very healing for me and the people I spoke with were people I knew and some I didnt know, but they were people in need and I was happy I was able to do the very little I was able to.

For those of you who have been reading my blog or watching my youtube channel then you know full well how much time and effort I put into an outreach and when it is an outreach that involves feeding people I am far more “persnickety” as someone called me, when it comes to feeding people. I guess you can say I am this way because I know what meals are like from missions and shelters and agencies like OPCC. I know what it is like to go days without eating because the meals served will only make you sick and I know what it is like to eat out garbage can as well. So the meals I serve must be quality, must be filling and out of love and respect for the people I am serving.

Now I use to ask people to help me cook for homeless people, but I no longer do this because for one thing some people cant cook to safe their soul and another reason is because people dont fully get it so when I ask for things they cut corners or try to get the cheapest thing possible in order feed more people. Also some people have too many things going on inside of them that they last thing they need to do is cook food for someone who is already dealing with enough. The last reason I no longer ask people to help me cook is the fact they are doing it for the wrong reason. However the main reason I dont ask is because people say they will on my blog, face book page and youtube channel for all to see them, but when the time comes to deliver the good they fall short and are no place to be found.

Now I do have some people that I can call on no matter what and they will always come through without a doubt, but since these people are few in number, I dont call on them often because I dont want to burn them out or not have them as an option when I need them the most. Many of my feeding outreaches are done alone and if it is a meal that requires cooking, then I do all the cooking.

Sandwiches aren’t something that I serve all that much and the reason for this is when I was homeless this was what was served for breakfast and lunch and many times dinner. A sack lunch with fruit that should have been thrown away weeks ago, bread that many times was molded and meat with that was turning green. Now there were those rare times when OPCC treated it’s homeless clients to a meal of day old Chinese food that had been donated by a restaurant after it can not be sold to the general public oh and I cant forget the pizza that was also donated. It was eating the meals served at the OPCC that I learned to eat from trash cans because the food was safer and better.

However when I do serve sandwiches I make sure they are a sandwich I would eat myself or would serve to my friends. More times then not the people serving the meals to homeless people aren’t eating the same food unless they too are homeless and are volunteers doing the serving and have no other choice.

The first order of business was to shop and I was a day ahead of the game on this one because I had already purchased soft steak rolls for the sandwiches. I picked steak rolls because the goal was to make a nice size sandwiches and the bread tends to hold up much better once they have been packed with the meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles. The meat I picked with deli slice Turkey and Chicken and I got large steak tomatoes, Romaine lettuce and Vlassic Sandwich stackers. To round out the meal there was Mac Salad and a slice of pound cake. Once again I used recycled cardboard counters to carry the meals in.

It didnt take me too long to put together the 24 meals and they went just as fast. Since I decided that I was heading down to Downtown LA to get some things from Ralph’s I thought it would be very cool to take some meals with me on my way down. Many of the meals I was able to pass out to the many homeless people right here in Hollywood just blocks from whee I live

Once I got done with passing out meals here in Hollywood and came back home loaded up the REI Bags. Since it was getting dark I wasn’t about to dive my bike down skid row. That would not have been smart, besides the fact that I was alone while doing the outreach in an area that is known for violence.

Before I left I finished the video that is now on my YOUTUBE and I was able to make videos while I was done there as well. I made my way toward the Red Line Train headed toward Union Station and I got off at 7th and Metro. Since it was already dark I didnt think it would be a smart move for me to go all the way into the heart of skid row alone, so I just walked to places where I knew homeless people would be and they tend to be the homeless people who are a bit more gentle then those that you find down near the missions in the heart of Skid Row. Now this isnt to say that all homeless people down near the missions are not gentle or nice people, I am only saying that from a safety standpoint it would be better not to go deep into Skid Row.

Once I got off the train I toward Pershing Square because this was a place I would sit some nights and try to get rest when I was on the streets. While it is not a safe place it is a lot safer then just being down on Skid Row walking around only to become a target for drug users, gang members or the police. Yes I did include the police because they are no different then the rest and in many way they are far more dangerous.

While walking toward Skid Row the first meal I was able to pass out was to a lady, she was an older white lady and from the looks of it she had been having a very hard time for a while. She had one shoe on and the other over her left hand like it was a glove. The sock from the foot where the shoe should have been was over her other hand and she had either cut or torn holes to make room for her fingers to go through.

“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!!!” She yelled out as I got closer to her.

Not wanting to alarm, scare or set her off I tried to answer her in a calm gentle voice to single to her that I meant her no harm and that I was not going to bother her, but firm enough for her to get the message that I was not going to accept that from her either.

“Hi, hi, how are you doing?” I said and then I smiled at her.

Smiling back she said “I am fine, thanks for asking. Most of these assholes wont even part their fucking lips to say hello to me. They act like I have just pissed in their soda pop. What you go in those bags? Is it food? Can I have some?”

“Yeah it is food and yes you can have some. I also have water, would you like that too?”

“I dont have to pray or clean no church yard up before you feed me do I?”

“Not at all. I am not from a church and if I were I would not ask you to do anything like that. I dont think that is right, nor do I feel that is what Christ would have me to do.”

“Well that aint what they tell ya down here. I am going straight to hell if I listen to all the Jesusness they got to offer. I would like to talk to their Jesus and let him know that the people he sends to give me his message of love have ants in their pants and that book they hide him in is filled with lies and hurts and makes me head hurt…….”

She kept talking as I handed her the box of food, the bag with the napkin and folk, then the bottle of water. I asked her if she needed an extra bottle of water and she said yes. When she looked into her bag she let out an “Oh my God” she looked at me and said “How did you know I needed socks?” She was smiling but she was also in shock as well. She quickly opened up her container of food and said. “My Lord, what have you here for me to eat kind Sheppard from the cross of neverland ranch.”

I never started cracking up laughing when she said this. It took all within me not to laugh, but that would have been rude and may have upset her. I told her what was inside and she just smiled so big and for about three minutes the lady who many would call crazy or a wack job, but in that moment when she looked down at the simple little meal I handed her she smiled and said “God bless you for making me feel normal and treating me like a human being. What is your name young man?”

“My name is Louis, but my friends call me Kengi and you are very welcome. What is your name?”

“I am Rita, people call me crazy or piss pot, miss mess and the folks that live in those buildings that hover over us call me white trash or move old bitch, but the name is Rita. Will you call me Rita?”

“Yes, I will will call you Rita.”

“Well Louis, I must get to my dark corner and hide out so people dont bother me too much. I want to eat this fine super before someone takes it from me. Like them in those cars with that protect and serve on the front. It should say to hit and kick or to shoot and kill……”

“Rita you may call me Kengi if you like. Please be as safe as you can be and God bless you too.”

“So I can be your friend? You said your friends call you Kengi.”

“Yes Rita, you can be my friend too. You have a good night ok.”

“Ok Kengi my new friend. You be careful cause strange thing happen down here, dont let all the sparkle lights and shinny cars filled with smiles and grins fool you ok.”

She turned and walked away and right as I was about to turn around I heard her say. “Take care of him oh great one in the sky”

I saw one more person on my way to Pershing Square and he was just as cool as Rita, but not as chatty as her. His name was Edgar an older Latino who had the deepest eyes that could swallow you up. His smile was gentle and he too asked what church I was from and why he didnt have to pray. I told him I could pray with him if he wanted me to, but there was no requirement to pray in order to get the food. He too said God bless you to me and was very thankful for the food I gave me. I was at the corner when he yelled out. “You put socks in my bag. Thank you brother.” I smiled and crossed the street headed into Pershing Square.

Pershing Square sits across from the Biltmore Hotel and the Jewelry District. In the day time the park is used for concerts and has a grass area that most days is roped off, I think this is to prevent homeless people from laying down on the grass. God forbid a homeless person get comfortable in a public park and fall asleep. That is not permitted, the men in the blue suits that make it their business to wake and disturb homeless people who are sleeping will not stand for this. If you give them too much of a hard time they will cal the police and have you removed. I guess I just dont get how a public space can be a private place that only certain people are allowed to use, but I guess this is the American way. “Fit in or fuck off”

During the summer months there are afternoon concerts there and in the winter time there is ice skating and a large Christmas Tree. The park has a waterfall and bathrooms but I don’t think they are ever open. Again I think this is to keep the homeless people from using them. However this doesn’t prevent homeless people from coming into the park and finding places to sit and relax along the concrete seats that run along the side of the park near the Biltmore Hotel. There is also a concrete ledge that is good for seating near the waterfall as well.

I know many people who are moving to Downtown LA feel that homeless people do not have the right to use the Parks and Public spaces in Downtown LA, they feel that homeless people have no business there, but what they fail to understand is that long before all the “fancy” plans to revitalize Downtown LA, Skid Row and homeless people were already there. Poor people were already there, so why should they now be forced to move just because some “fancy pants” has now purchased a loft? Furhtermore when the plans to revitalize Downtown Los Angeles were talked about, they were to include places for the poor and homeless. At last check there aint a single homeless person or low income person that can afford anything close to a million dollar loft and a million is the low end.

City Counsel Woman Jan Perry handles the Downtown LA area and she is on my friends list on Facebook, but some of the things I see her post really make me sick to my stomach. “Jan Perry is excited about a new Park in Downtown LA.” or “Jan Perry is excited about a new parking structure in Downtown LA.” You will never see her say things like how she is excited to bring affordable housing to low income and the poor, not will you here her say things like she used her power to convince those billion dollar developers to build lofts for the poor or homeless. Nor will you see her say that she is excited to see full scale HIV clinics and support services down on skid row that arent abusive run down and poorly ran. Nor will she look into just how much good the places that claim to do so much good are really doing. Nope, you will never see that because she is too busy building parks and parking structures for “fancy pants” people. KICK ROCKS!!!

Once Inside Pershing Square it wasnt long before the meals that I had left were gone, but I was happy that I had enough with me to feed the people I encountered inside the park. Many of the people I gave meals to were older and some had mental illness while others were young and for whatever reason they are now homeless and hungry inside Pershing Square. I was happy I was able to feed them.

As I left the Downtown LA areas and got back to my place in Hollywood I had a feeling inside of me that was both happy and sad. Happy that I now have my own place after dealing with homelessness for such a long time. Happy I would be able to drink some water when ever I wanted, the water would be fresh and even ice cold if I wanted it to be. Happy that I have a refrigerator, that isnt stocked with much food, but it is mine, happy that I can turn on and off my lights when I please, happy I can use the bathroom and not have to worry if someone will steal my shoes or attack me, happy that I can shower when I want for as long as I want with clean towels and soap that has not been on anyone else, happy that can sit my laptop and digital camera down and not have to think twice that someone will want to fight me for them.

But I was sad that the people I had just fed were in the situations they are in for whatever reason, sad that they will worry all night long about their safety and the few things they have, sad that people think this is ok and that homeless people dont deserve any help at all and my heart sank when I looked out my kitchen window and saw a man sitting along side the YMCA in the dark pretending not to be homeless and hoping that no one would notice or bother him. I was so sad that I took it upon myself to make him something to eat and prepare a Do Something Kit for him. I took it out to him and squatted near him and spoke with him for a bit. This man is gay and homeless. We spoke of how things are just so hard for him and how he feels that ASO’s are no help at all.

As I sat with him I shared my own story and told him how hard homelessness was for me, but I encouraged him to hold on against all odds, no matter what comes his way and never to give up on himself. I told him that I too use to sit in dark corners and sleep on the streets and on the buses and trains and all else, but I tried my best to encourage him to hold on and not give up on himself even though it seems like and even feels like the whole word, even the community that says they are all about love, peace and diversity have also given up on him, that it was very important not to allow this to cause him to give up on him.

We exchanged phone numbers and I told him to reach out if he needed another Do Something Kit or was hungry. I even offered to wash his clothes if he needed me too. He said thanks and told me he would call if he needed someone to talk to. He stood and gave me a hug and asked if he was going to be alright and I hugged him back and told him the truth “I dont know this, but you do. You need to know you can be ok. You need to know and believe this.”

Back in my apartment I took a shower and then right before I went to bed I prayed for all the people I had met and I asked God to make a way, whatever way he saw fit, however he felt like blessing them I asked him to do this and I asked that the blessing would be a comfort and that the people getting the blessing would be able to see the blessing for what it is.

I want to express my heart felt thanks to my friend Kimberly who made this outreach possible. Without her support I would not have been able to but the things that were used to help over 20 people, men and woman, old and young gay and straight eat a meal that was made with love, healthy and have a few seconds of light and love in their dark world.

Kimberly I havent known you very long, in fact I only met you as you were trying to find the way to log onto POZIAM and from the moment on you have been simply awesome to me. When I think if how God sends what I need right when I need it, he also sends for others as well. Who would have thought in a million years that I would be sitting here today doing this blog to say thank you to you and what God has made possible through you and how God made both our paths cross through a network called POZIAM, our mutual friend Robert and the awesome place he has created for people who are affected and infected with HIV or AIDS.

Who would have guessed that you would be the source of so much hope, joy, encouragement and inspiration to me and for me? Who would have guessed that God would send a gift like you to someone as broke down as me? Who would have though that I would be able to feed over 20 people thorugh the love of someone I have never met face to face, but has a place in my life, my heart and my soul? Who have have thought that I would know someone as kind, gentle, loving and caring as you Kimberly? Well God thought of it and I am so glad he is who is, because he sends people like you to remind me to “keep it pushin” and not to worry because he is in full control.

With my whole heart I love and thank you Kimberly. YOU ROCK.

Jazz Music & Sunday Dinner. “Benefits of Struggle”

• Posted by Kengi on July 12, 2009 at 12:03pm

My love for music came at a very early age, I guess you could say that I really had no choice but to love music because both my parents were very much music buffs, especially JAZZ music. Ma use to tell me that when she was pregnant with me she’d listen to JAZZ music all the time and late in her pregnancy when doctors told her it was best to abort me because I would be born with brain damage or even dead, she didn’t listen to them, she prayed and played JAZZ music.

At the age of 5, before I was even walking Nana would prop me up on the piano next to her and she would play for hours. She told me this calmed me down and helped me to relax. Well it wasnt long before I started reaching for the keys and not long after that I was playing on my own. Nana was my piano teacher until I was 12 years old. Not once did she ever place a sheet of music in front of me. Even though Nana could read and write music, she was in a JAZZ band way back in the day, she would teach me how to play by ear. I am so glad she did this because I think it has made me a much better piano player and a much better vocalist as well. Yeah I said vocalist…I can sing too. Playing by ear forces you to listen and be present to the other instruments around you.

My first Choir was Boys Chorus at Lincoln Jr. High, although I had already been singing for sometime. After Boys Chorus, came Mixed Chorus and in 9th grade I was in both Mixed Chorus and Madrigal Singers. By the time I reached Samohi (Santa Monica High) in 10th grade I had been singing and playing piano and even the organ for a while. I was in a small band of friends and music was such a huge part of my life, in addition to sports, skate boards from Rip City Skakes in Santa Monica on Santa Monica Boulevard, BMX bike racing with my cousin Darrell and baseball with my cousins Anthony, Allen, Chris and Darrell.

Mrs. Anderson was the music teacher at Samohi and I never understood why she would put me in Mixed Chorus when all my friends from Lincoln were in Viking Chorale. Mixed Chorus was a beginners choir and we learned things like clapping, counting and sight reading. Of the students who were in Mixed Chorus with me from Lincoln they were only there because their class schedule would not allow them to take Viking Choral at 4th period. When I was a student at Samohi you could pick your teachers and the periods you too the the classes. I was shocked as hell when I wasn’t placed in Viking Chorale. I was even more shocked when I had to remain in Mixed Chorus all year.

I learned very quick that music experience at Samohi would very different from that of Lincoln, but I was still taking private voice and piano lessons and I sang and played quit a bit outside of school. So Music at Samohi became a space filler for me instead of something I loved to do and was damn good at it as well. Even though I wasnt “good enough” to be in Viking Chorale, I was picked for solos for the Christmas concerts and in special events.

My Jr. year I was finally able to be in Viking Chorale, but not selected to be a Madrigal Singer, I would never be selected as a Madrigal Singer at Samohi, in fact my senior year I didn’t even bother to audition for Madrigals my senior year. I did however make it to all Southern California and All State Choirs my Jr. and Senior years at Samohi. However it was my singing and playing piano outside of Samohi that awarded me my three music scholarships. One was a four year full tuition that I won my Jr. year in both voice and piano. Who needed Madrigal Singers, I was far better then all of them. There were plenty of us that felt slighted by Mrs. Anderson, but this only came back to help make us a far better group of singers. While Madrigals were supposed to be the elite, it was Viking Chorale that constantly got better marks then Madrigals Singers in the same shows. It was Viking Chorale that the student body cheered the loudest for. Each year without fail, even though I was never “good enough” for Madrigals, I was selected to sing solos.

JAZZ and Gospel music were and still very much are my favorite types of music. The Hammond Organ, not just any Hammond, but the Hammond B-3. I was quickly called a B-3 Specialist which made me smile so huge, because this was a title both Nana and Ma had. There are many different types of Hammonds, but only one has the name B-3 and just like the Rose Bowl is the Grand Daddy of all College Bowl Games the Hammond B-3 is the Grand Daddy of ALL organs. B-3 are very popular in churches and JAZZ bands.

I’ve always had a piano near by, that is until homelessness and I hadn’t played or sung since Pops passed until the passing of Ma, when I played both piano and the Hammond B-3 and sung at her service. I havent touched either since and I have no desire to.

However through homelessness my love for music grew, I didnt think it could grow any stronger, but it was late night JAZZ on my laptop sitting in dark corners of parks, alleys and on State Beaches that calmed my soul and comforted my spirit. It was Gospel music where I could here the voice of God speaking to me, reminding me never to give up or let go of the greatness God created inside of me when he allowed me to come into this earth through my parents. Music and my faith carried me through when all else failed.

I recall when someone gave me the bad advice to turn off the voice in my head and in doing so I trued to kill myself and from that point on I have never listened to anyone else telling me to turn off the voice in my head, I was hurt, but didnt listen when Ervin Munroe from Skid Row Housing Corpoaration told me that my thinking and speaking was backwards and I should not speak up for myself or others because people who say “who does he think he is?” A day after meeting with him he denied my housing in his effort to show me he was boss and in control of me. Well, Erving Munroe, I am a child of the most high King and you dont have the power to take or block anything that God says is mine. Not matter how fancy your office or how high you sit up in that fancy building with all the fancy people on your wall and that fake oak desk, no matter how many people like me you look down on, or how many people you think you have slowed down or turned away, you still aint shit. Just some old punk sitting in some stuffy office being unhappy about being gay and looking down on others. It is you who has backward thinking and speaking and you can keep your nasty ass, bed bug, disrespectful, disgusting and degrading Skid Row Housing Corporation, because what God has for me is far better then you could ever dream to have control or power over, now KICK ROCKS.

JAZZ and Gospel music got me through that night when I learned that the man who suppose to help me had in fact tried to crush me and when I asked for help from my ASO all I got was “There is nothing we can do Kengi.” Once again I would have to turn to the only one who has always doen just what he says and has never failed me once. God would work it all out in my favor.

Through homelessness I rediscovered JAZZ and Gospel music, not that I ever lost it, but I no longer had the money to attend concerts and music event that featured top name performers. There would be no trips to the Monterey Jazz Festival and not trips to the Stellar Awards, however what I learned was that there was plenty awesome FREE JAZZ events right here in the Los Angeles and I didnt have to pay a cent for them. I could even take in my love for art and museums as well.

K-JAZZ is the JAZZ station of California State University Long Beach and throughout the summer and well into the fall in some locations here in Los Angeles they put on some of the best FREE JAZZ events throughout Los Angeles. Friday Night Jazz at LACMA quickly became my favorite place for Jazz and that replaced me having to use the battery on my laptop at night. It also became the escape from the harshness of homelessness and skid row. After the concert I was able to take in all the art in the many mesuems at LACMA.

I later discovered the Latin Jazz on Saturday at LACMA and Tuesday night Jazz at Hollywood and Highland, but it was through homelessness that I discovered a Jazz event jamed packed with what I would consider to be the riches history of Jazz for the State of California, so would say for the entire Jazz world. I discovered the Central Jazz Festival.

The Central Avenue Jazz Festival is held on Central Avenue and 42nd Street in South Los Angeles, in front of the historic Dunbar Hotel. The Dunbar Hotel plays an integral role in African American history in Los Angeles as it is where the jazz greats like John Coltrane and Billy Holiday stayed when visiting the area.
Central Avenue was part of an early national music circuit that included Harlem, Chicago, New Orleans, and Memphis’ Beale Street, Cincinnati, Kansas City, Oakland as well as my hometown of Tampa, Florida. The corridor was densely packed with jazz dens and all-night “breakfast clubs” lighting up the avenue with their neon lights. All the prominent jazz musicians of the 1930’s and 40’s played along Central Avenue at venues like Club Alabam, the Last Word, the Downbeat, the Memo Club, Ivie’s Chicken Shack, the Finale Club, and Shepp’s Playhouse among other venues.

Central Avenue Jazz Festival is now in its 14th year and will take place over a two day weekend on July 25th and 26th. This is what I would consider to be the best of Jazz and it features some of the best and well known Jazz Players from the world of Jazz. This aint no Kenny G event, so if that’s the Jazz you like, then this event aint for you. However if you like Coltrane, Ella, Sara, Louis and the the sounds of Mr. Miles Davis, then you make sure you are here for this awesome event.

Every year the festival gets under way with a panel discussion with musicians who were apart of the excitement of Central Avenue back in the day. Trumpeter Clora Bryant shared insights with the crowd about the history of Central Avenue and painted a good picture of life on “The Avenue” with the clubs and the prominent jazz musicians of the 1930’s and 1940’s who played along “The Avenue.”

Thousands of jazz aficionados crowded “The Avenue” to hear some straight ahead jazz, bebop, blues and Latin jazz. I could feel the energy and excitement of “The Avenue” back in the day by looking at the crowd, many of whom frequented “The Avenue” during those vibrant times. Great music was showcased by wonderful musicians who performed for an appreciative crowd at the festival. Ernie Andrews (a legend of Central Avenue), Al Williams Jazz Society, Justo Almario Quartet, Gerald Wilson Orchestra (another legend- who recently celebrated his 90th birthday) this was a real treat for me, because I had first seen this man with my Pops as a small boy, I would later get to see him again in yet another awesome event at the world famous Hollywood Bowl thanks to the tickets I received from Bart Stevens at Being Alive. Barbara Morrison -another one of my favorites, that I discovered through my mother- closed out the festival on Saturday. Jazz America opened the show on Sunday. This is the future of jazz. These students were doing their part in keeping the legacy of Central Avenue alive. Vocalist Phyllis Battle, Michael Sessions, Nedra Wheeler, Poncho Sanchez and Nate Morgan kept the crowd glued to their seats and actively listening to various hues of America’s number one art form: JAZZ.

For the past 13 years, the Central Avenue Jazz Festival has been serving as a unique cultural event that pays tribute to the early heart and soul of African Americans in Los Angeles. Each year, the festival draws in talented jazz and blues artist to celebrate the rich cultural history of the area.

Spearheaded by Councilwoman Jan Perry (9th District), the Central Avenue Jazz Festival is a collaboration of government agencies (City of Los Angeles, Department of Cultural Affairs & Community Redevelopment Agency of the City of Los Angeles) and local non-profit agencies (Coalition for Responsible Community Development Corporation and Los Angeles Conservation Corps) working together to preserve the rich cultural and history in South Los Angeles.

Music and the arts have always been such a huge part of my life and they always will be. So I say thanks to K-JAZZ and Councilwoman Jan Perry for allowing my love for JAZZ and the arts to carry and comfort me through what has been the hardest and darkest time in my life, however while going though this time God allowed me to grow and create the Leon and Mary Fields Organization and the Do Something Saturday~that empowers people as well as the Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreaches that help to serve the homeless, low income, seniors and children suffering through homelessness, poverty and HIV and AIDS.

Monday will mark my 3rd week of having my own place here in Hollywood, However I am not out of the woods just yet, as I still waiting to hear if I will get the HOPWA (Housing Opportunities For People With AIDS) Move In Grant to pay my move in costs. I was hoping to get a call last week, but I yet to hear anything and when I called my ASO to check the status my call was unreturned. If I dont get the move in grant then I will be responsible for paying the total move in or I will have to move out. My faith tells me that I will get the grant, but just in case I do have a back up. With the death of my God Mother I got just enough money to cover this cost in case the grant is denied, even though there is no reason to deny the grant especially since I have been approved by the organization who runs the housing, I have been approved by the property management company and by the Los Angeles Housing Authority , but HOPWA is something entirely different.

How sad is it to think that someone to get this far only to be told “No” after they have already moved in? How fair is this to people who will not have any other choice but to be back on the streets? Why doesn’t a system that is supposed to help do just that? Why are there so many road blocks set in place by our government and no one seems to be doing a thing about it.

As an HIV positive Black man this is one of the many reason who I feel and know that “access” to care and services play much higher roles then those of stigma and education when it comes to HIV and AIDS being the leading killers of my community. I know this not because I read some place or I work in some air conditioned “fancy” office that simply ready charts and made of figures. I know this because I live it and I see it and I know plenty of Blacks who say the very same things. So dont try to sell me on stigma and education when the biggest “stigma” is our government and ASO’s who refuse to see and believe or see that “access” is far more deadly any “stigma” or lack or “education”

Having to spend the money $900 left to me would mean I will be would have to really struggle with bills and things like a bus pass would, hygiene items and even my community work would suffer greatly. The $221.00 I get per month from GR really deosnt go very far once I pay for my rent, utilities and cell phone. In fact it leaves me with $19.21 for the rest of the month. However I will gladly spend the little money left to me to help me be a little comfortable to prevent me from being back on the streets. If this means I have to suffer and go without, then so be it. I know God will always make a way out of no way for me and what he has for me is mine and no one can take it away.

I still refuse to give up, I refuse to allow a system that is designed to fail people and this includes the health care system and the system currently serving all my bothers and sisters who are poor or homeless and battling HIV and AIDS, I refuse to allow the City and County of Los Angeles and the State of California or the United States of America to convince me that sigma and education is what kills when I know for a fact that it is not being able to access care and care services that kills in far greater greater numbers. I refuse to allow anyone to tell me that since I am poor I do not have the right to high quality health care and access to the best doctors and treatment for my HIV. I refuse to sit by while homeless people suffer at the hands of system that has never worked and has only gotten far worse with time and has been given the green light to abuse and take advantage and make huge profits off of someone who is dealing with the harshness of poverty and homelessness. I also refuse to exhaust my energies helping other countries when there are massive problems right here in this country that need to be addressed first. Issues like homelessness, health care and HIV and AIDS. We can not continue the ignore the elephant in the room, because we are far too busy looking at the flies around its ass.

So the the leaders of this great country and I am talking to all leaders, for the local cities, states and national leaders with your hands out, you need to see that there are people in this country with empty mouths, there are people in this country who need health care, there is people in this country battling HIV and AIDS while on waiting list for things like ADAP and Medi-Cal.Blacks in this country are still over 25 years behind in the battle on HIV and AIDS and homelessness is a national disgrace.

Preachers your calling to is tell us about the light, not preach sermons of hate and evil, the same God that you say hates Gay and Lesbians also hates messages that ring out with words of hate for his people. Gays and Lesbians are his people too. He created us just like he created you, so use your store fronts, pulpits and catholic and cogic thrones to send his only and true message of LOVE and PEACE. Stop adding your twisted and evil two cents to it.

It’s Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 10:47AM and I am about to get dressed and head over the gym for day 5 of “Restoring the Temple” after this I will come home and start cooking for my Sunday Dinner outreach to Skid Row. I will be able to feed 24 people a meal of oven baked BBQ Chicken, Crock Pot Beans, Salad, bread and pound cake with a bottle of water through my Do Something Saturday and Kick Start Meals programs.

This meal will be made in love and respect just like the leading ladies, ~Nana, Grandma Ma and Big Mama~in my life always made for me when I was a kid and as an adult. I will have both Jazz and Gospel playing while I prepare this meals and God will bless them and allow them to be a comfort to those who receive them.

Happy Sunday everyone and God bless

Sunday Dinner and “Stigma”

• Posted by Kengi on July 13, 2009 at 1:24am

This was the second time I set out to create the same Sunday Dinner that I enjoyed so much as a small boy and even as an adult and it was the second time that it was a complete success, just the Sunday Dinners the “leading ladies” of my life use to prepare. Nana, Grandma, Ma and Big Mama really knew how to put together a meal that would not just feed me hunger, but feed the soul as well.

Yesterday evening Dab the AIDS Bear and I set out to find a market that would allow me to feed 24 meals to homeless people on a budget. I had already made a crock pot of beans and now I needed some chicken, lettuce and potato along with dinner rolls and pound cake to round out the meal. Bottle water would be what I would offer people to drink.

Dab and I ended up at JONS Super Market, yes I said JONS, not VONS. JONS is a low cost Latino market with lower prices then leading markets like VONS and Ralph’s. I was glad that JONS was in the neighborhood, because Dab and I were able to make it a nice evening of walking and picture taking.

I new I had to get lettuce, but I was planning to buy both the lettuce and tomato from the 99 Cent only store, but the prices of both lettuce and Roma tomato was so inexpensive at JONS I was also able to get some cucumbers and red onions for the salad as well and I even spent the money I was able to save on a higher quality dressing for the salad. Going to JONS was a sweet treat.

On the walk back I found this really cool trash can with all sorts of cool colors, saying, shapes and eyes on it. I even bumped into someone who reads my blog and watches my youtube channel that also lives here in Hollywood. I have never met them before in person and they dont comment very much on my youtube channel. However they knew who I was and to be honest I had to stop and put my bags down and ball my fists up as he ran toward me.

“Relax Kengi, I am not here to fight you dude.” he laughs “I saw you walking and I just wanted to park and come up and tell you that I really appreciate what you do.” He extended his hand to shake mine.

I was still a little nervous shaking hand because as I reached out for his hand there were three more guys running toward us. So I shook his hand quickly and took a step back and tightened the straps on my back pack.

The guys were all friends and headed home. Funny that they live just a few blocks from me. Turns out all of them watch my youtube channel and were introduced to it by their girlfriends and boyfriend, yes one of them was gay and I thought he was the straight one. LOL They were really cool and really made me laugh about things in my blog and vlog and how it has helped them in their relationships. They gay guy even said he has some friends that would love to go out with me. LOL. I laughed and asked what was wrong with them?

The guys offered to help me out with getting to know my new area and even wanted to take me out form drinks later this week. Two of the work out the Y where I now work out too. Be very cool to have some people to hang out with in this area. I did tell them that I also wanted to meet their girls and boyfriend as well since they were the ones who hooked them up with my channel. The really cook thing was that all the guys gave me the best hugs that felt so good and genuine. The one guy who is married with kids, the one who ran up to me first hugged me the longest and thanked me for being strong for other people and for speaking out and making people aware of what is going on with homelessness, HIV and AIDS. He invited me to meet his kids and that made me feel so amazing.

Once back home I returned emails and talked to a friend from Dallas and right before I left I got a call from someone I really like and it was the phone call I was really hoping would come. He likes me too, so that made me smile so big and with that I was ready to go out to do something that I have not done for a while and that was a picture Safari at night. I t was awesome and I was able to snap some pretty cool pictures of Hollywood. Since it was Saturday night there were plenty of people out and the buildings were all lit up. People here in Hollywood seem to think that they are just as popular as the celebrities and many times I was asked not to take pictures of people when I was in fact shooting a building or a cross walk. When I showed them the pictures in question they were “very sorry” and each time I asked them “What is it about you that would make you think I would want to take you picture in the first place? I mean who are you? Or who would you like to be that would make me want to take a picture of you?” Each time there was no answer.

Back home I again returned some emails and responded to comments on my youtube channel and facebook. I also had some personal emails with regards to my blog from yesterday. It also odd to me when people send me comments about my blog or notes in a private email. Not odd when friends do it, but when people do it because they are afraid someone else might see them making a nice comment on my blog. There isn’t a blog that I have posted that has not drawn harsh criticism. Some even calling my bogs “always negative” and that I am “mean spirited” or “angry at the world” LOL, No matter what I say in my blogs or vlogs someone is going to have a problem with it, so I am just going to “keep it pushin” and not worry about what anyone has to say, cause at the end of the day what they have to say doesn’t matter.

Sunday I was up early, I went to the gym and then I was back home and getting things ready for Sunday Dinner. I already knew I would be cooking for 24 people and I knew it would be a huge challenge with my very limited kitchen, but I am a pro and always up for a challenge. I also knew I needed to run to the store to round things out. I needed water for the meals, pound cake, zip lock bags, butter, cheese and sour cream. The last thing I needed was the dinner rolls.

It was hot today and having the oven on made things much hotter, but what I was doing was trying to bring some comfort and just a bit of people that will go without so I didnt let the heat get to me. Things could be worse. The first thing was to wash the potatoes, wrap them in foil and get them into the oven. I also wanted to start washing the chicken.

I was making videos the entire time and taking pictures and in one of the videos I talked the importance of food safety and handling of food when feeding people and even for feeding yourself. I did this because I saw this youtube channel where the person was cooking chicken and they said they let the chicken get room temperature before cooking it and this is a HUGE no, no. Chicken should never be allowed to reach room temperature ever before cooking it. It should always remain under refrigeration until it is ready to be cooked. I also talked about the proper storage of chicken and meats as well.

I decided to run to the store after I had done all the cooking and I am glad I did this because I was able to take time out to clear my head and also look for places where homeless people might be. Since I am new to the area and I am very unaware of homeless people in this area and how they act I feel it is important for me to make myself aware of this because some homeless people can be violent and others can have massive drugs problems and someone riding a bike like mine can be a easy target.

There were about 4 homeless people near the 99 Cent only store and I knew I could come back to feed them, but I was also able to find a park and I also found some homeless people near the studios as well and when I was ready to do the outreach I would not have a problem finding people to feed.

By the time the Sunday Sun had dipped into the awesome Pacific Ocean I had feed 24 homeless people and one of them was a very sickly AIDS patient. His story touched my heart because he was with a camp is three others who help to care for him. They make sure he gets to his medical appointments and also make certain he has his meds and he takes them. However what they told me is something I see each and every day without fail and that is homeless people and poor people suffering through HIV and AIDS with little or no support from any community, so when I think of how badly agencies that are in place to help serve homeless people are failing, I also see that ASO’s are failing just as bad and in fact Gays and Lesbians who are homeless are sent to agencies outside the so called “community” for help and support. Many times they are refereed to places like Skid Row where “embracing diversity” and the colors or the “rainbow” are not on any mind not even the people who are in line to “help” you.

Before I walked away they asked me why I was feeding homeless people and I looked at them and said “because it is the right thing to do and I was homeless, I am also HIV positive. I know this isnt much, but I really hope and pray that it helps.” As I stood up I touched the mans leg and told him to remain strong and I smiles at him. “As strong as I can be young man”

As I rode my bike home my heart was sort of heavy, all day I had spent cooking for homeless people in a effort to make things a slight bit better for them and I met a man with AIDS, a Black man with AIDS, homeless having a hard time getting to his doctor and even a harder time keeping up with his meds, not because of his willingness to seek out and comply with treatment, but because he is homeless and he doesn’t count. He will soon be another Black man dead from AIDS and it will be blamed on “stigma” and “education” will the real cause of death will be “arrogance” of a government to see that this man matter and the “arrogance” of ASO’s that dont fight or advocate for people like him and “Access” to care and care services.

It’s 1:03AM and the Sunday Dinner Outreach was a complete success. I did what I set out to do and that was to feed people a high quality meal and visit with people and try to provide them with something they never get, someone to listen to them and at least the chance to be heard, but as I sit here and think of all of them especially the man with AIDS my heart is very heavy, because the people who should hear them are not listening at all and they never will because they are homeless and homeless people dont matter. Not even those with HIV and AIDS. How’s that for “Stigma”?

Week 3 in My Own Apartment

• Posted by Kengi on July 14, 2009 at 12:25am

Today was such an awesome day for me and it was filled with smiles, laughter, friends and even my family. My life is so blessed, it always has been and it always will be because God is good, all the time. Even in our darkest hour, our roughest storm, no matter how far we think we are from the love of God and no matter how much we are told and made to feel that he does not hear our prayers or care for us, he does and always will, because we are his children and he made all of us, each and every one of us have be created in his image and he loves us and cares for all of us. He thinks we are the best thing since sliced bread, he’s into us, he loves us.

He knows all about our faults and blemishes, he knows how we can foul up the simplest tasks he give us to do, he knows all about our pasts, but still he says to us like he said to Moses “I called you by name and I know who you are Louis, I know who you are Kimberly, I know who you are Robert and I called you for my purpose and you have found favor in my site”

I dont mean to get preachy or churchy here, but how many of you know that God is awesome? He is so awesome that he has given us the most prestigious seats in the Kingdom and with this we each should be smiling and loving that God is not one of our friends that get upset when we say or do things they do not like, with this we should be happy that man is not God because he would never allow the rain to end in our lives, we should be happy God is who he is because in him, with him, though him and because of him, we are still here no matter what others have said, done or set in motion to do, God steps in and says “NOT SO”

I had three doctors appointments today and after my third that was at my new HIV Clinic I was still smiling and for the first time since being HIV positive I have a doctor and clinic that make me feel like they care about me as a human and take my health care seriously. For the first time since being HIV positive I feel I have a team at my new clinic that will work just as hard as I will to help me not just fight this battle with HIV, but win it. I have a doctor and a team that treats me like I matter, I have a doctor that fully understand that I am Black and already fighting a battle that Blacks have not fair well in not because simply because of stigma and education but full access to care and care services.

I once said that by Dr. Dube not signing my Los Angeles Housing Authority form that would allow me access to housing did not diminish as a good doctor, I alter took what I said back, because it does diminish he as doctor. His job is to “first do no harm” and not signing a form to allow his patient, one that he is supposed, in fact took an oath to provide the best possible care for, a place tolive off the streets which would only improve his (MY) HIV care and my bodies ability to heal itself and stand a better chance at living longer and stronger without HIV meds, goes against his oath of “first do no harm” and diminishes him as a doctor. Furthermore his unwillingness to listen and allow people to explain how the shelter plus care program works and understand that he is not stating that I am disabled, but do in fact have a disability which is HIV and the Americans with Disabilities Act sets clear provisions for people like me with HIV. His willingness and arrogance to go against this clearly diminishes him as a not just doctor, but as a human being. No one in their right mind would stand in the of housing for someone with HIV, but clearly Dr. Dube and the Rand Schrader Health and Research Clinic of USC and its administrator clearly have a great deal to learn when it comes to HIV care for the patients they serve. Since they claim to be the leader in the care of minorities it is no wonder HIV and AIDS is the leading cause of death for Blacks in this country. Access to care includes housing.

If you recall my blog about my first face to face encounter with AIDS, I was about was about 19 years old and I had been asked to drive a long time family friend to County USC Medical Center~Big General~ to see her son who was sick. I had heard about the gay cancer that was killing gay men, but I had no idea what it really looked like or what it really was. I knew Dennis, Mildred’s son, was sick but I had no clue of what that meant until I walked into that hospital room at County USC Medical Center and came face to face with AIDS. Dennis was in pain and I yelled and wanted to know why no one in the damn hospital even seemed to care. I begged with Mildred to leave the room because that wasnt Dennis is that bed, someone was playing a joke on her. I recall the look in his eyes when I started crying when I saw him.

I know the look well, because it is the same look people I called friends have given me when they find out I am HIV positive, it the the same feeling I have gotten from doctors who wore gloves when shaking my hand or not making eye contact and the same feelings I felt when my doctor refused to sign form that would allow me housing.

As I sat in the driver seat and Mildred begged God to give her child peace saying “Oh God I understand” in a voice that was angry and upset, but more importantly a voice of a child of God asking for traveling grace for her son on his last days. A voice that new God would make a way out of no way, a voice that knew God was still the great I am that I am and was still all loving and would provide just what he said for her son Dennis. As I drove away I saw Big General in the distance and I thought to myself how evil that place was and how I wanted that building to never hurt or cause harm to anyone else like the hurt and harm it was causing Mildred and the rest of her family

The cry that I heard from Mildred was a cry that was felt inside me soul. It was like one soul calling out to another, mourning for the loss of something that would never be replaced and would never be again here on this earth. He crying and talking with God touched my soul and I cried in silence next to her, not making a sound in order to allow her to be at peace with God and what he was about to do for her son. “Please give him peace Lord. I understand, but please give him peace.” All the way back to Venice Mildred cried a cry that I had heard a few times before. A cry of the soul that was wounded and so hurt that there was noting no one on this earth could do to calm or comfort it. God would have to do this and only he could.

How strange that I would end up in HIV care at USC and how strange that given all the hardships that I had to endure there, I was starting to believe that my fate would be that of Dennis and many other Black men that I know personally and families who would not trust USC Medical Center to care for their dead cat or dog. Refusing to sign my form for housing and so many other things at 5p21 meant and mean I dont count and as a Black man I dont stand a chance in hell of beating HIV if I was to remain in care at a place that doesn’t even think enough of the patients they serve to have an appointment scheduling line, not even care enough to stay on top of programs that support and provide for people with HIV and AIDS

But God always shows who he is and how awesome he is to me in the people he places in my life. Thanks to Brian Risley my AIDS Treatment Educator I was able to get an awesome letter of referral to another doctor and the following week I was able to get in to a new clinic, get my blood work done again and now have an awesome doctor. Not only that the people at the clinic fully understood that it was important that the paper get signed and they worked to make sure they did all they could to help me secure and not have to miss out on housing. They even called to make sure the housing person knew that they were on board and doing all they could to help me, someone the HIV clinic at USC has never been willing to do.

Today is the 3rd week that I have been in my own place, thanks to people who “first do no harm” and once again, under all the stress I have been under God shown me that he is God all by himself and once again my blood work comes back with awesome results. T-cells still climbing and viral load still dropping off all with no HIV Meds and my doctor is please with this and has told me to keep moving forward with taking care of myself. For the first time since being HIV positive my doctor made me feel like she fully cares for me as her patient and as a human. She took an interest in my community work and made suggestions as to how to keep my health improving and remaining strong and she did this without making me feel stupid for asking or like scum for even having HIV in the first place. Finally I feel like I am not fighting HIV alone. I now feel like and know that I have a doctor who will help me fight and a team at the clinic that will help me as well.

Today I met with a nutritionist at the clinic and she was awesome. She listened to me and heard what I had to say and together we came up with ways to help me “rebuild the temple” and once again I walked out of my new clinic with no stress and a huge smile in my face and once again I felt like I had someone on my team that cares and would be there for me if I needed them.

Access to care matters and it is KEY for the survival of any HIV or AIDS patient and this is especially true for Blacks. Barriers and access to care is the leading cause of HIV and AIDS death in Blacks in this country and I would even say in the world. Yes education and stigma play roles, but barriers and access play greater roles and they are the leading reason why Blacks are still over 25 years behind the rest of this country when it comes to living longer lives. Now that’s real talk.

After the doctor I spent the rest of the day with my niece Adraine, she is the daughter of my older brother and I am so glad we spent the day with each other. For the most part of the day it was just she and I and we spent it laughing and talking and getting things for my new place.

I felt so good to once again have family in my life again. I have brothers and sisters, but we do not share the same father and we were never really that close as kids. Adraine is from the brother I am close to, but he has been gone since I was in the 9th grade. It was so cool to spend the day with her just like we use to when I was younger and use to pick her and my other nieces and nephews up for days at the beach or at the museums.

Later in the day her husband dropped off the kids and once my heart was so filled. I saw my great nieces and nephew of which I am the God Father of one. Kevin is her husband and he was someone who helped me build my catering business and man did we have so much fun and made so much money doing it. When she asked me to be the God Father of their first born I was so touched and so moved that such an honor would be given to me.

When homelessness hit I felt ashamed and knew I would not be able to perform or step in to care for her like I was able to do before homelessness and this shame caused me to put distance between us, however today in talking with her and sharing things with her and just having the chance to be with her and the kids and Kevin again was so amazing and made me heart so filled with love and warmth. For the first time in a long time there was something called “family” in my life. People who love and know me, know my heart and love and care for me.

Tomorrow I will get a love set and chair that they no longer need and are giving to me for my new place to go with the things she and I picked out today while talking, laughing and sharing just how awesome God really is and how out lives are right where they are supposed to be.

In addition to all this Kevin and I are going to work out ways to start the business we once shared together. I ended my day with my family in my apartment in Hollywood, cooking dinner, smiling, laughing, giving and receiving love from my family and as I am reading emails from friends I getting love and giving love to them as well.

There are plenty of people in my life, but only a hand full have reached out to me saying “congratulations” and offering their love and support. Only a few have always been my real friends through the thick and thin, the ups and downs, good time and bad, laughter and smiles, tears, pain and heartache. Not because I always say and do the right things, but because they are my friends and they love me regardless.

As I look at the new friends in my life I see that these are the people my parents spoke of, these are the people who will stand by me when times are hard and money is low, these are the friends who will cry when I cry, laugh when I laugh and pause when I pause and these are the people I love, respect and will always cherish, because they are my friends and my family until the very end and I know this no matter what.

It is the third week in my own apartment and I am smiling and loving even more then ever the awesome and blessed life God allows me to live. I am happy for the many awesome people in my life and I am thankful to God for each and everyday to do his will through my community outreaches, but I am greatly blessed by the family and friends God has placed in my life to encourage, inspire, uplift and empower me.

GOD IS GOOD

Weekend for ME

• Posted by Kengi on July 20, 2009 at 12:44am

This was a great weekend and it was the first time in such a long time that I took time out for me and it is something that I really so badly needed to do. Much of my time, day and night is spent planning and doing things for other people and I really love the community work I do and I love the people I have met while doing it. So taking a weekend for me was just what I needed.

My weekend started on Friday morning with a trip to my new HIV clinic and let me just say this, I a so glad that to be a patient there and for the fist time I can honestly say that I feel like I am not the only one who is concerned and willing to fight for my health. This clinic is awesome and my doctor is the best. This is the first time since being told I was HIV positive on April 3, 2008 that I feel like I can a long time with HIV. This is because until now my health care was crappy to be nice about it and the doctors treating me didn’t give a rats about me. Many questions and concerns went unanswered and not addressed at all.

There was and is no appointment line at my last HIV clinic, you simply have to keep calling until you are able to get your nurse on the phone and there was point where I went a full 9 months before being able to get in to see my doctor. The entire time people who call themselves people who care would say things like “There are no barriers to care” and I know this is nothing but a bunch of crap from people who dont care that people who are poor and or homeless are not getting the care and care services they need so badly.

My first face to face with AIDS was at County USC Medical Center and I will never forget it and my last clinic was USC’s Rand Schrader Clinic or 5p21 as it it called by people who even know the clinic exists. They claim to be the leader in HIV care for minorities and if that is the case it is no ownder why HIV and AIDS is the #1 killer of Blacks. The last straw with the care at USC was the fact that my HIV doctor refused to sign a form that would move me into housing saying “You are not sick and HIV is not a disability” then hanging up the phone in my face. What doctor would want for their patient to be homeless on the streets? What doctor can honestly say they care about their patient when they know they have stood in the way to housing for their patient who is HIV positive?

The same thoughts and feelings that I had about USC and it’s medical staff as a 19 year boy seeing a long time family friend visit her son who was clearly in so much pain and they stood by and did nothing. This feeling came back to me as a 40 year old man when my own HIV doctor from the same place stood in the way to my housing and that would cause far more harm then good to me as HIV patient.

I had already been told by people at Medi-Cal that I needed to be sicker in order to qualify for the state run medical insurance program and from how I was being treated by 5p21 and from treatment by former doctors and clinics and the lack of support for my ASO I was beginning to believe that I would have to be sick before things would change. Imagine doing all things you are required and still feel like your life is not important to the very people who are in place to help you. Even your doctor and clinic. If your own doctor doesnt make you feel like you can make it through this and the clinic reinforces things and feelings that “you dont matter” and “you dont count”, furthermore places in place to help you also make you feel like this is not going to be a happy ending? Imagine getting answers like “I dont know” or “there is nothing we can do” from places like an ASO and other places that are supposed to ehlp you through and deal with HIV. Not even the gay and lesbian center were any help, in fact they were more trouble then help. “It’s a process Kengi, you have to be patient.”

Each trip to my HIV clinic only lead to more questions and far more stress then I should have been forced to endure at the hands of system that is designed to fail. The good thing in this was that I had already been through so much from simply being homeless and what I would learn from being HIV positive and homeless is the fact that even though I am HIV positive I was still poor, Black and homeless. Three strikes and you’re out right? Wrong

My parents raised a fighter and the one thing I knew for sure was that I am a child of the most high King and what he has for me, is mine and it aint over until he says it over, so no doctor, no clinic, no ASO, no homeless service agency had the power to stand in my way. In fact I knew it would take God calling me home to prevent me from sitting where I am now and in my heart I knew God was not ready for me. This meant I had to hold on and fight as hard as I could. There were times when this was too hard for me and this is where my friends Tina and Andy would always step in and say “Kengi you can do this.”

I have a great doctor now and an awesome team that I know will do all they can to make sure I get the best medical care and support services not because I am so great, or that I am always an awesome person. It isnt because I always say and do the things that they feel are right or that I have the best medical insurance that money can buy. Nope it isnt any of this, but they do this because I am a human and I deserve medical care regardless.

Since being a patient at this new clinic I have a place to get my eyes examined and get my glasses, I have a nutritionist, acupuncturist, I have access to support services like case management, but the fact that I was able to have a team leap into action to make certain I was able to get this apartment was awesome. Not even my own ASO worked as hard or did all that my clinic was doing to make certain I was able to get this apartment. People from the clinic were calling the housing case manager letting them know I was doing and they were doing all they could and right when I was just out of time, I got a call from my clinic, not my ASO and it was my clinic and it’s staff who smile and shake my hand and are happy as I am that I am no longer homeless.

As I walked out of my clinic after my appointment on Friday I had a smile on my face and yes tears falling down my face, but this time they were not because I was confused or felt like I was in a bad place, or had a doctor and clinic that could care less about me. Nope these tears were tears of victory and once again ignoring what has been said and all that was not done. No longer would I have to sit my best friend Andy and break down and be made to feel like I am shit, homeless, worthless and yet another Black man that would die from HIV going untreated, leading to AIDS and leading to death.

As I walked out of clinic I felt the sun on my face, not the sun that shines during the day, but the sun that comes from God, for the first time since being told I was HIV positive I was crying not out of fear for my life, but for the wealth and worth of it and the fact that I now have a doctor and a clinic that will fight just as hard as I will for me life. With each tear that fell the feelings of being alone in my HIV fell as well, every hurt and pain from hearing “I dont know” or each person who has made me feel like I have bothered them by asking them to do what they same they do, provide medical care and “advocate” for me. For the first time in over a year I not only had a medical team that cares for me, but a medical team that was also willing to “advocate” for me.

As I boarded the Red Line Metro Red Line back home to Hollywood my feelings took over and once again my tears started to fall and this time someone asked “are you ok? Do you need me to call someone for you?” I smiled and shock my head no and said “I am fine and yes everything is fine”
The feeling and tears were not from sadness, but again from JOY and knowing that I no longer will worry about my medical care. To know why there were tears you would have to fully understand what I have been through, how hard I have fought, how many times I broke down, how many times I put others before myself, how many times I would cry with my best friend Andy, how many times I wanted to cry with my best friend Tina and how many times I cried myself to sleep. You would have to understand how many people who are supposed to help only made me feel stupid, worthless and like shit for even asking. You would have to have gone through something in order to sort of understand what the tears were for.

Friday night I met up with my friend Shawn for a dinner snack in Downtown LA to get tickets to Romeo and Juliet the ballet at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion. Shawn had won the tickets and wanted me to have. He said I deserve to have some fun. I knew I was getting the tickets because he ad told me the week before. Once back home with the tickets I sat in my apartment and said “Thank you”

I got up early and went to to the gym on Saturday and then came home and took a long nap. After I headed over to Ross and got a pair of pants and a shirt to wear tot he ballet. As I walked to Ross I spoke with Tina and we made our plans to meet at the Music Center. Andy would join us later and we’d have dinner after the ballet with him at the Bonaventure Hotel at the Bonaventure Brewing Company.

It has been a while since I was able to go to the Music Center for anything other then looking at the water fountain to pass the time before the sun would set and I would be forced to sleep on the trains and buses all night or worst fist fighitng for my laptop and digital camera. But this time was different, my laptop would be safe at my apartment and there would be no riding of the bus or train all night. Just the watching of Romeo and Juliet performed by the American Ballet Theatre with someone who has been more then my best friend, but more like my sister.

I took my buddy Dab the AIDS Bear with me to the Ballet, but we were not allowed to take any pictures in side, However this did not prevent Dab and I from making friends and enjoying the awesome yet tragic love story in an awesome venue with a great friend.

The Bonaventure Hotel has not changed one bit, but I was glad to this time be sharing this cool place with my best friends Tina and Andy and my new little buddy Dab. I had the meatloaf that was tender and juicy with garlic mashed potatoes while Tina had Chicken Marsala that was cooked to perfection. The sun was starting to dip, but our day and evening was just beginning and we were in for a great night.

We headed to the Arts District in Downtown LA to a street fair, but the fun was to be had inside the little treasure called Wurstkuche. This was a place that Tina found with her boss and this place is awesome. Doesnt look like much from the outside but when you walk in the place just explodes from what appears to be just a deli style counter with sexy people behind to a place with a live DJ spining awesome sounds cafeteria style dinning tables and a bar that is on point and a bar tender who knows his shit.

This place can be stuffy and fake very fast, but that isnt what we encountered. The staff was sexy and cool and the beer was great. I loved the bar stools and the awesome wood door that when opened gives a great view sweet view of the awesome skyline we have in Downtown LA. The bar is wood and there is a cool space for seating along the back wall that is built in and bold. This place rocks and the menu looked awesome as well.

I was kind of sorry that we had already eaten because I was all set to try the awesome array of sausages they offer at Wurstkuche in addition to the outstanding variety of stellar beers, sodas and fries that are served a cool selection of dipping sauces. This place rocks and I am glad I was able to kick off our night of fun in such a sweet and cool place. This is one place that I will be back to visit because as a chef I really to taste those sausages and all the other treats that this awesome establishment has to offer.

Wurstkuche is located in the heart of the Arts District 800 E. 3rd Sttreet, Los Angeles, Ca. 90013. Contact them online at www.wurstkucherestaurant.com

The next stop was Royal Claytons 1855 Industrial Street. This place was sweet and our bar tender was awesome. This was the second stop and once again this is another sweet find. The bar is sweet, dark wood with a lots of huge windows and a sweet pool table with Red cloth. The people at the front door were awesome and made us feel welcome and once inside the music was on point and the bar tender was sweet and very helpful. She ever gave us some awesome places to hit up on our bar tour of Downtown LA. There was this cool wine/bottle rack on the wall near the table where we say and overall the place was cool and the vibe was right.

This place is also a must visit when you are in the Downtown LA area and want to chill at a place with and when we have a bar tour of Downtown LA again this place will be on the list. Sweet place, great find.

We then headed around the corner to Tony’s Cocktails, we were told to hit this place up, but I could have done without it. The place was crowded and tables were filled with Pizza so we took a seat at the end of the bar where we got no service. The two bar tenders never came over. We were served by the bar back. Not once did either bar tender ever come over to see if we were ok or if we needed anything. This was a place I was happy to leave and will not ever go to nor would I tell people to visit. To be honest you get better service buying a $3.99 bottle of wine from 7-11. Tony’s was a waste of time and money. As we walked out the bar tenders were too busy having a meeting of the minds to even say goodbye and the bar was pretty much empty. This bar was a dive and not in the good way.

I our last stop was a life long favorite and a place I use to go with my Grandpa as a kid and when my Grandma needed to shop for Hollywood parties she catered we would stop in this place for a French Dip Sandwich. I am talking about the one and only Coles French Dips in the heart on Downtown LA.

For those of you who have read my blog or watched my youtube channel then you know that I was born and raised in Santa Monica and my Grandma was a private chef with a awesome catering business and she cooked for a long list of Hollywood starts including Jimmie Walker, Ben Vareen, the Gerber family and she even cooked for Roger Miller and would later move with him to Colorado. My love for cooking and my skills in the kitchen were gifted to me by my Grant Grandma and Grandma.

Cole’s has been remodeled, but the classis style and awesome food and service are still in place and I am so happy to know this because like so many places in Los Angeles, this place has a very special place in my heart. Just like as a kid I got the the French Dip Sandwich with tender and juicy sliced beef. The Cole slaw was awesome and our server, although she was very busy, she was very kind, helpful and a great waitress.

Andy was our designated driver, so Tina and I were able to really enjoy our awesome day and evening. By the time we were headed home I was smiling because I had just spent an awesome day with my two best friends. Two people who have stood with me when others turned and walked away. Two people who helped me remain strong, helped me to hold on tight even when places that were supposed to help me called me “Stupid” “Backwards” and supplied me with answers like “I dont know” They helped me hold my head up when people printed things only to make their organization look good, but knew fullk well those words never left my lips and that this was nothing more then a play on words to make a place look good and tried to use me to do it.

I celebrated with my friends for not allowing what man has no control over to turn me around or caue me to get discouraged even as people tried to make me feel as if I had said things that had hurt their organizations already badly damaged reputation. I smiled because people like Shawn belive in me and what I am doing and knows my heart had felt and cared enough about me to give me tickets he had won to see Romeo and Juliet.

I said goodnight to Tina and Andy and walked into the gate of my place and then in the door. I smiled so much bigger when I got an email from someone who is homeless in San Franciso and also has HIV and says he is very sick.

“Thank you for standing up for me and for giving me a voice. Thanks for taking on all the hurt, attacks, tears and heartache in order to try to make things better for others. Thank for standing up when the people who should be standing up are turning their heads and making me feel much worse then I already do. Thanks for putting yourself out front and taking all the heat, but most of all thanks for giving me hope and for inspiring me to believe in myself even as I eat from trash cans and am not able to always get my HIV meds. Thanks for being a voice for people who are seen and not heard. Thanks for making me feel special and wanted. If your message never reaches anyone else, please know it reached me and I hang on because you have shown me that I need to fight for myself and belive in myself against all odds. In your words Kengi, YOU ROCK!!!”

I returned the email and said “thanks” and offered my phone number if this person ever needed someone to talk to. I never act like I have the answers, I just try to stand in the huge gap for others and many times all this requires of me is time and listeing, not judging or acting like I have the answers or know whats bestor have any idea what someone is going through.

The past weekend was for me and it was filled with friends and people I know love and care about me. It started with a trip to a new clinic where I no longer will have to worry about my HIV care and a place where I know if concerns come up they will be answered and taken care of. A place where if there ever comes a time that I need to take HIV meds I have a doctor and a full support team in one place that will help me deal with, make the right choices and get through it.

Shawn thanks so much for all the love, support and awesome friendship you have shown me, thanks for thinking of me when you got the tickets to Romeo and Juliet. Thanks for allowing me to have such an awesome start to a great satruday. YOU ROCK.

Tina and Andy, thanks so much for being the amazing blessing you are for my life. Thanks for being strong and helping me see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Thanks for eltting me cry when I needed to cry and thanks for pushing me when I wanted to give up. Thanks for believing in me and for believing in me and my outreaches to homeless people, people with HIV and AIDS, Shriners Hospital for Children and for being my family. You two are the best friends I could ever ask for. Funny how there are so many people whom I have grown up with and spent my childhood with, but none of them have been the friends that you two have been.

To my new HIV doctor and the staff at my new clinic, thanks for caring, for all your help, thanks listening to my situation and helping me come up with solutions that have gotten me into my own place. But most of all thanks for helping me see and feel something I have never felt since I was told I am HIV positive. My life matters, my care matters and I deserve the best care regardless. Thanks for showing me that I am not the only one who thinks I can make it, thanks for showing me that you too care about me living and are willing to fight just as hard as I will not be be another Black man on yet another CDC report.

December 19, 2008 I turned 40 years old and on that day I made the choice to live a great life, even greater then one I had already been living. I made the choice to work harder, speak out more, be a voice for those who are ignored and treated like crap. April 3, 2009 I launched my second outreach called Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life and that outreach is growing strong and has already reached out to so many. It is quickly becoming just as well known, loved, embraced and support be people like my first outreach that I started while I was homeless, Do Something Saturday~that empowers people, when so many people told me that since I was homeless and sick I would not be able to help anyone and that I should only worry about myself. Even social workers who told me to pawn my laptop and digital camera, ASO’s who told me Skid Row was my only choice. KICK ROCKS!!!

I’ve said this before and I will say it again. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and do this all over again I would do it all over again, fight every bloody fist fight, eat out of every trash can, endure every time I was called, nigger, faggot and all else that I have gone through. I’d still plan, create and organize my Organization, The Leon and Mary Fields Foundation, I still create, Do Something Saturday, Unpluggin HIV, Do Something Kits, Life Kits, Extreme Make Over for Homeless People, Easter Feast, The Million Dollar Ghetto, Free Hugs for Homeless People, yeah I would cry ever cry, let every tear fall and break down and I would do this and not change a damn thing.

I love who I am, I always have and I always will. I love what I have created and love the meaning and purpose God has shown me for my life. I walking on my own path knowing that at the end of everyday, when it is all said and done, it is not up to any ASO, Homeless Service Agency, Clinic, Doctor, so called friendships or any of this. It’s up to God and I am so happy for this because if it were up to man, I would have dead and gone a long time ago.

The Gospel song says “I wouldnt take nothing for my journey now, because I’ve come to far to turn around. Running for Jesus, I’ve been running for a mighty long time and I am not tired yet. I get so discouraged and feel so afraid, so I look to the hills from which cometh my help, I grab enough hope and these are the words I say. I wouldnt take nothing for my journey now”

As I bring my weekend to close late Sunday Night I am smiling and kicking it in my apartment, enjoying my view and getting ready to take a long bubble bath and then hit the sack, because I will be up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym, head to DPSS and then start working to plan my outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS. I also need to get the back tire on my bike fixed and ride from Hollywood to Mar Vista to pick up a clothing donation. Big week ahead of me, so I am glad I took this weekend to relax and have a great time with friends.

God Bless

METRO..The Art of Taking Advantage of the Poor & Making a Ton of Money Doing It

• Posted by Kengi on July 22, 2009 at 5:00pm

Last week someone from Atlanta sent me a email message asking me if she could buy one of the pictures I have on my Flickr page. I asked her what she would use it for and she told me and I said yes. The very next day she put $50 in my paypal account and told me to treat myself to a night out. She typed “LOL, I know you live in LA and that wont be much. I love what you are doing, thanks for letting me buy your picture.”

With the $50 she gave me I was able to buy two day passes on the METRO, get some cleaning supplies and food items at the 99 cent only stores. I was also able to go out to a local spot here in Hollywood and Dab and I had a great time.

I’ve been meaning to go over to DPSS just to make certain things are fine with my case, but each time I make plans to go something always comes up and prevents me from getting there. Once it was the fact that I have no money to get on the bus to get there, so this little extra was a huge help to me.

As I walked out the door I got a call from my housing case manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles telling me that my grant through HOPWA had been approved and I could pick it up. I went right over and when I got there I was happy to know that not only did I have the check for the move in cost I also had a check for the first months rent. Even though I had already paid the first month, this was awesome because no I could use this check to pay next months rent. Sweet!!!

After taking care of the check business and things I had the chance to spend some time talking with the housing case manager and I am so glad I had this awesome opportunity because I had some things on my mind and I had prayed for answers to them and through speaking with her I was able to get the answers I needed and now I am making the plans to move forward into “greater works”

It’s always cool how God will use someone or something to give you the answers to the things and questions you have asked for. He always supplies us with answers, but many times we are too busy other things and looking the other way and trying to make things happen on our own without him that we miss out on the real answer and the real “fix” for things in our life. Today wasnt that day for me. I was present and tuned in. I was also happy with the answer. There is the other problem. Many times we arent happy with the answer God gives us, so we act as if he hasnt answered us yet.

I headed back home to take care of the rent deposit and also pay next months rent. For me this was a huge weight lifted because I know the first round of bills are due and in order for me to get through them I needed some help. Look how God showed up. Nana use to say “He’s an on time God” See I know this for myself now. To be honest I’ve always known it but through homelessness and being HIV positive I have learned to trust it more and the connection is deeper then ever before.

One of the major bills I have is transportation and if you live here in LA, then you know riding the METRO is not cheap and with the new TAP card things have gotten more expensive and much harder to deal with. METRO seems to have forgotten, not that they have ever cared, that more the 90% of their riders are poor or extreme low income. Creating services that only cause hardships for these riders really serves no purpose other then to make money for METRO at the expense of the poor. But hey who gives a damn if the poor have to suffer. As long as rich people dont have to deal with it.

In places like New York where everyone uses public transportation, the rolling out of new programs is greatly different. All the riders must be considered, but not here in LA. Like I said mainly poor people use public transportation and very little to no consideration is ever given to how new sweeping changes will affect the poor.

Not long ago METRO went from charging $3 for a day pass to $5 in an economy where people are struggling to just make ends meet. The METRO announce that it would no longer offer paper day passes nor would METRO offer transfers from METRO to METRO. This would then force METRO riders to either buy a $5 day pass or pay the base fare for each bus or train they board.

For example the base fare on METRO is $1.25 a passenger use to be able to get a METRO transfer for about 25 cents that would allow them to ride two buses. Not anymore because METRO no longer gives transfers to their own buses and trains. So what use to cost $1.50 now cost $2.50. METRO says it is cheaper to just buy the day pass for $5, but it doesnt take into consideration that you may not need to buy more for something you will not use. But since they are METRO, backed by the government, taking advantage of the poor is easy. Our government does it all the time, so why cant METRO.

In addition to no passes you must pay for the TAP card. Yes I said pay for it. METRO has come up with a way to not just make you pay more on the bus, but they found a way to make us pay for the half baked program as well. METRO doesnt give it’s riders the new cards, no it’s riders must pay for them and then pay again to use them. How is this fair? METRO does away with paper and then makes us pay for the plastic card that they can take away at any time and not give us out money back.

If you are a senior or disabled you must reapply for the new orange TAP card and once again if you have medical conditions like HIV or AIDS you must disclose this to METRO and it is not clear who will have access to. I have applied for this new TAP card four times now and each time METRO claims that they have lost the paperwork. Each time I do this in their office so they cant say it was lost in the mail, but each time it is lost. So my personal medical information is floating around some METRO office for anyone to see. This just does not seem right to me, but I am poor, so who gives a damn.

Will all these changes result in better service? Hell no, METRO drivers are still just as rude, the buses run just as slow and the train service is the worst. I wanted over 15 minutes for a train in what is considered rush hour. On Tuesday while going to the DMV I waited for METRO buss 445 for over an hour and 25 minutes. Many of the 20’s and 720’s dont even go all the way into Santa Monica, you are forced to transfer and wait for another bus in Westwood and this can sometime take forever. By the time the bus going to Santa Monica arrives it already filled with passengers to even stop to pick the 3 bus loads of people already waiting.

Let’s go back to transfers, METRO says they dont sell transfers, but this is not true, you can purchase a transfer in the underground, however METRO will not honor it. Their drivers say “We dont take transfers” but they will sell them to you and not honor them.

METRO says that the police are there to make sure people are safe, but all I ever see them do is give tickets and ask people to show their passes. Today in three different location the Los Angeles Sherrif had areas of the station made up to look as if it were some sort of sobriety check point to simply give out tickets to people. This is LA, shouldnt the police be out protecting people and not passing out tickets to the few who do not pay to ride the damn train?

METRO told me today that now they have my application for the discount fare and it was approved. “You should have your card in 6 to 8 weeks.” So for now I pay the higher fare until they mail me the other card. METRO says it is not their fault, but the place where they’ve contracted cant keep up the demand.

This is just another way how it is cool to take full advantage of poor people and our government allows it to happen. What can one do? Well if you’re poor, not a damn thing. There is no way in hell people are going to stage a boycott. This aint the 60’s when people took to the streets to protest. Nope today people are riding the bus for over two hours in one direction to get to a job that barely pays the rent, they cant afford not to have a job and METRO is fully aware of this.

If you are planning to visit LA and will be using public transportation, please be in for a rude awakening. Now only will you need to buy and load a TAP card for all METRO trains and buses, many other bus companies are also introducing their own TAP system and none of them will work together. So for someone like me who rides METRO buses and trains, Santa Monica Buses, Culver City Buses and Torrance Buses, I may soon have to have a TAP card for each company. Culver City already has it’s own TAP in place and Santa Monica also has it’s own version of TAP.

TAP must be code for TAP into your pockets and empty them out.

KICK ROCKS METRO….America’s Best……that’s a bullshit award.

An Irish Blessing……For My Friends

• Posted by Kengi on July 24, 2009 at 1:03pm

Since being in my own place I have made a real effort to make certain that I take time out for me. Not that I didnt do this before, but now with my own place, my efforts to grow my organization is even greater, so there is a larger need and effort to remember to take time out for me.

Not so long ago I started a group on my blog network called “Restoring the Temple” mind, body and soul and this is a major focus on me, myself and I. I know you are wondering what I am doing and what it involves and to be very honest it is very simple. I’ve battled Sickle Cell my entire life, cancer 5 times, homelessness for over 29 months and now HIV for over a year. Wanna know how I am doing? Well here it is, Sickle Cell I am keeping in check now by taking time out to relax and clear my space, the cancer is now in remission and homelessness is now officially over. In the battle with HIV I am doing very well. In fact my body is kicking HIV’s ass and after 15 months of being HIV positive my immune system is getting stronger, my T-Cells have climbed very well and my viral load continues to drop off and all with no HIV medications.

Part of my Restoring the Temple is to take time out to do more prayer and meditation, more time clearing my space and connecting to my higher power and for me that is God. My Faith in God and Christ is what kept me safe and my mind sound through the 29 months of homelessness and the hurt, sadness and shame that comes from being homeless and it has been my faith and prayer life, keeping my connection and doing all that I could to build on it, has also carried my thus far through all the hurdles, hurt, pain, sadness and even fear of being HIV positive. Add to this the awesome blessings from God of the amazing people in my life.

When I turn back and look over what I have just come through, seeing all that God has allowed me to see and experience and still retain a sound mind, a clear head and a soft and open heart I am both thankful and humbled by the gift of life that God allowed my awesome parents to give to me and I am proud of the man I am today and I am damn proud of the outstanding organization I have created, it’s outreaches, the people it serves and those who have come to love and embrace with I do in the true spirit of humanity and not for “community” It is my belief that when we speak of “community” we separate ourselves from each other which causes division and lack of understanding of people, places and things that are not like us. However when things are done in the spirit of humanity, there is no difference between Blacks and Whites, Jews and Greeks or Catholic or Christian. God created us all in his image, he wants us to live as one, not in “community” but humanity that loves one another as he loves us. ALL OF US.

Restoring my Temple must mean that I need to be thankful for the good and the bad times in my life. Thankful for the storms, trials and tribulation, for without them there is no growth, without challenges we can never gain wisdom, compassion, understanding and unconditional love. The hardships in our lives helps us to grow and are not there to destroy us, but to make us stronger for what will come next. Each day we all should give thanks to God for simply waking us up and allowing us to see another day.

There is a old gospel song that says “I’ve got one more time to clap my hands.” so for me each day that I awake, healthy and strong I must give thanks for this, even though I might be in pain, it might be struggling, but I will make my way through, shattered, but not broken, wounded, but in time God will heal. There are and will be times when I will be troubled, but not in dispare. In times of great storms and I have been through many storms in my life, I must see myself at the finish line, I must visualize the land while riding though the storm, knowing always that God is right there with me, working it all out for my good in the end.

I’ve been blessed to have some amazing people walk into my life and blessed even more to have them walk in and become my friends, my family, people I know I can count on no matter what. When we think about all the people in lives, how many of these people will go to bat for you? Will walk through the fire with you? Will stand with you? Will not walk away when you fall flat on your face? How many of these people will love you and all your flaws, blemishes, faults and short comings? How many of these people in our lives with stand with you when all your money is gone? When your housing because a park bench, a dark alley or behind a trash can?

Well I am here to report that I do have lots of people in my life, but I am blessed and humbled by the friends in my life. Friends who have seen my battle and friends who have seen me suffer. Friends who have been right there through the thick and thin, through the hurt and pain and the many tears. People who have helped me keep my faith and love for the good in humanity. Friends who have been answers to my prayers and friend who had said “So what Kengi. We love you.” How many of us have someone we can call after we’ve tried to kill ourselves and they not judge or turn their back on you? How many of us have friend who you can say “I am HIV positive” to and they not later make jokes about it? How many of us have friends that will make room for you when they barely have room for themselves? How many of us have friend who love us unconditionally? How many of us have friends who will give and support us and never once say “I did this for you?” or remind us of all they have done? Yeah I have a ton of people in my life and they are blessings for my life, but I have very few friends.

This past week I had the awesome chance to hang out with my two dear friends Tina and Andy for a weekend I will never forget. A weekend with Romeo and Juliet and then a night on the town laughing and simply enjoying each other and the friendships we share and last night I once again had the chance to spend some time with two more dear friends who I admire and respect so much, Krystal and Patrick.

It’s funny how we met and when I think if the first time I met them and now enjoy the bond of a real and true friendship with both of them I just smile and say to myself “how awesome is God” How awesome is he to send me people like this into my broke down life? How awesome is God that he would think so much of me that he would allow people like Krystal and Patrick to embrace me in friendship, unconditional love and in the true spirit of humanity.

Santa Monica is where I was born and raised. I know the city like the back of my hand. Santa Monica was a sleepy town, not the big booming mega city it is today. People care for and knew each other. Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School were considered the best around and when you said you lived and went to school in Santa Monica, that truly meant something. Graduating from Santa Monica High was an honor. There is so much I love about Santa Monica, because I was raised there and most of my life was spent there. Having the opportunity last night to hang out with my friends at Big Dans a local mainstay in Santa Monica right at the foot of the World Famous Santa Monica Pier was so awesome.

It’s kind of cool because the first set of awesome memories I have of Krystal and Patrick is the night of my 40th birthday, at the Galley Steak House on Main Street in Santa Monica, then night of bowling and birthday cake at Bay Shore Bowling Alley, two more places that hold such awesome memories for me. Krystal had just had knee surgery back then and last night she is once again recovering from knee surgery and on the same crutches. Just like way back in December we had a blast.

I once again got to hang out with some of their friend Susan and JP whom I’ve met before and Michael and Kristin who I had a blast talking to and getting to know. We all hung at Dans for a minute sharing drinks, smiles, lots of laughs, and awesome conversation before we headed over to the sand next to the Santa Monica Pier to enjoy the live band. To be honest I dont even know who was playing and I cant say that I even heard what they were playing. I was too busy enjoying my night out and chilling with some pretty cool people. I was really enjoying “Restoring my Temple” by taking time out for me.

No night out would be complete if I dont take my little buddy Dab the AIDS Bear with me and just like before Dab was the life of the party. The opportunity to share about my organization and the awesome and humbling opportunity to share about HIV and AIDS and how I am an Ambassador of Hope for Dab the AIDS Bear Project www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com Since being asked to be an Ambassador of Hope by the founder of the organization Dab Garner I have made more of an effort to be a role model, positive image for people who are infected with HIV or AIDS and I have also made a clear effort to talk about my HIV status, the hardships and struggles I have faced and will face as well as do my best to be a voice for the thousand if not millions who battle HIV and AIDS with no health care, like myself, no housing and very little support.

It was so cool to talk and share with them about the things I am doing in the effort to raise awareness and create a clear understanding for people who battle homelessness, HIV and AIDS. It so cool to see the funny pictures and make the funny jokes, but it is even cooler when the people I am sharing with also fully get and understand just how dramatically serious and real HIV and AIDS are. When the jokes and laughs stops it always so very cool and very refreshing to know that there are people who truly understand and are willing to talk and share open and honestly their knowledge, power, fear and hope for people who are infected and affected by HIV or AIDS

After a few pictures and laughs, the men folk headed back over to Dans and had so good old male bonding over some brews. The cool thing is that I think women think men have these manly things that we do and talk about when we hang out, but when you get right down to it, there is really no difference in male bonding and female bonding. We laugh at situations and people, share our hopes and dream, look at all the awesome guys and their great asses…….oh that was me. Sorry. We even share things about our parents and their sex lives. We you get right down to the nitty gritty we are just enjoying chilling out and loving the life that God has allowed us to lead.

We ended out night on Pico in Santa Monica at the Speak Easy, while it is nothing like it was way back in the day, it was so cool to go back inside and see how things have changed and even cooler to know that I was sharing it with some very cool people. This was the first time that Love Bear wasnt left out. After giving him and Dab a much needed bath and Dab was also in need of major head surgery and a face life from all the things he gets himself into.

The little Love Bear was giving to me shortly after I celebrated my first full year of the Do Something Saturday in Downtown LA with my friend Tina and Andy passing out Jumbo Jacks, Doughnuts and Do Something Kits to homeless people near Skid Row in Pershing Square. Love Bear came on Valentines Day as a gift from Kate who saw that I needed some things to help me make it through hoemlessness. He has always been on my Backpack and from day one he has been the official mascot of my organization. How sweet is it that Dab Garner also has a bear for his organization.

My night ended with hugs and kissed and saying good night to my friends Krystal and Patrick. I enjoyed a ride home from Kristin and Michael and some awesome conversation and I look forward to see them again. When I woke this morning I had two new friend requests and I smiles and thanked God for “One more time”

To learn more about Dab Garner and his awesome outreach to people with HIV and AIDS or to learn more about the Ambassador of Hope program and all the cool things that Dab Garner is doing for humanity please visit his website at www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com

To learn more and support my efforts to reach and help homeless people, low income families, children, seniors and people living with HIV or AIDS please visit my website at www.dosomethingsaturday.org

Krystal and Patrick I want to express for the bottom of my heart my many thanks for the friendship you two have extended to me. Thanks for your love and support for me and my organization. You both represent what is good in this country and on this planet. I am honored, humbled and blessed to call you my friends and my family. With all my heart I love you both.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you
In the palm of his hand.

~An Irish Blessing

Old Blogs from 2009 (June 1-27)

// May 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Taking a break. Not sure how long it will last

• Posted by Kengi on June 1, 2009 at 12:30am

I am taking a break from Project KengiKat, Youtube and FACEBOOK and I am not sure how long this break will be, but I do know that it is needed and required in order for me to keep growing and forward.

When I first started bloggin way back when I was a private chef it was very much all about ME. Where I was living, who I was cooking for and things that really served no real purpose. However when I moved back home and started caring for my Pops, my blog changed in so many ways. When Pops moved in with me in order to give Ma a break the blog was no longer what it started out to be. It was very much about watching someone I considered to be my Super Hero die right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to help him.

Homeless came and once again the blog changed. Do Something Saturday was started and the blog was about community work and building awareness for issues that homeless people face day by day. This was hard because I was already dealing with so much in my personal life with regards to Sickle Cell and Cancer and the fact that I had not told my Ma about homelessness. I hadnt even had a chance to morn the loss of my Pops

HIV came on April 3, 2008 and once again my life took a turn and I felt like I was drowning, sinking under water and no one was there to help me. Ma had gotten sicker and there was no way I was going to now tell her about homelessness and HIV, I would not do that to her. I continued to fight alone and do my best to get through all the crap in my life while doing my best to be of service to others just without excuse just like my parents had raised me to do.

I decided I would tell Ma, but that came too late, she passed away and I was unable to tell her and once again I had lost another Super Hero in my life and once again I felt so lost and alone. To this day I still havent had the time nor the space to fully cry, break down and let go of the two people who I lived for.

Throughout all the setbacks, heartache, many tears, long nights, fist fights, friends who walked away and people who talked shit about my and my organization I did all I could to keep giving back, keep trying to raise awareness, stay positive and do all I can to make things better for other people.

Even with my strong faith I had many nights where I wanted to kill myself, where I just wanted my life to be over, where one more tear who just too much to ask and another fight would simply beat me down. That night came on December before my 40th birthday when I tried to kill myself. I was so done with this life, so done with fighting for my health care and getting no place, so done with people talking shit about me and acting like I had done something so bad to them, I was tired of so called friends always letting me down and treating me like shit simply because I was homeless. So I tried to kill myself to end it all. I am so glad that God would not allow me to do this. So glad that he said “NO LOUIS, you have work to do”

I am never going to read that page again, never will I allow people and situations to have the power over me that would cause me to want to destroy the awesome man that my parents gave birth to and the great man God is molding me into. I really hope people enjoyed it, because it was the last time I would allow them to take a piece of me.

Today the organization I started with nothing while I was homeless is now in its second year and going strong, it is loved and respected by many and does an outstanding job serving the homeless community and people living with HIV and AIDS. There isnt a day that I am not doing something, not a day where I am not being of service and at least trying to find way to be of service. 365 days from sun up to far past sun down I am giving so much of myself to do all I can to make things better for others

With all the stress I am under my body is doing a great job defending itself against the HIV, my Sickle Cell does give me more problems and the cancer is going very well too, but people in my life are causing me to break down and question things, so it is time for me to take a break, not from my community work, but from things like my blog, vlog and facebook.

This is very hard for me because all three are so very much important to me and are such a huge part of my life and a major part of my organization, but I am taking a break to get away from things that are bothering me and causing me some concern. Before I would simply last out, but that isnt the person I am any more nor is it the man I want to be.

While I am away I will monitor the blog, vlog and facebook, but will not be doing any posting of any kind. Also no one will be in charge while I am away. I also will not be returning emails or comments to my blog email, youtube or facebok. If you want to keep up with my community work please visit the website.

I want to express my heartfelt thanks and deepest appreciation to all of you who have stood with me and have reached out to me and embrace me, ALL of me, not just parts that you feel you can be safe with, but all of me without conditions

Many thanks to all who have supported my efforts through your donations. I will never forget anything you’ve done. That really says so much about who you are when you go far beyond talking about what you want to do and stepping up and doing it

I have so many fires to put out as far as my community work goes, Judy is upset and thinks she has done something to to cause Courtney not to write here anymore. Several people said they would support the first HIV Outreach and then backed out leaving me holding the bag and to clean up a mess they created and then the personal attacks have really taken a toll on me and I need some time away from the very places I love so much and for me this is very hard

I know God will lead me through it and I will come through this far better then when I went in and things that need to be removed will be handled. People who are real will stand and those that were here in my life for the wrong reasons will leave.

Thanks for all your love and support and please know that I will be monitoring the network whole I am away. I hope you guys are safe and doing well.

My Week Off “Life Changing”

• Posted by Kengi on June 8, 2009 at 5:24am

Last week I made the CHOICE that I needed to take a break from the internet, not from my community work, but from the internet. There were many reasons why I feel I needed to make the CHOICE for myself. At the end of the day I am glad I made the CHOICE to step away to take some time for me.

Even though I took time off from the internet for the most part I did not take time off from my community work. Having time off from blogging, vlogging and posting on FACEBOOK gave me more time to spend on things for myself as well as work even harder on my community work. CHOICE rocks.

Monday morning was pretty quiet for me. I had to get up and head to the doctor and then I had to make certain that I had all my paperwork in order for a medical appointment that I had on Tuesday. Monday afternoon I I went out to talk to two homeless men down at Santa Monica Beach after I got a call from someone who told me that these two men needed some hygiene items. So I put some Do Something Kits together and jumped on my bike.

I am never really shocked at who I meet when I do outreaches and this was no exception. The two men were pretty much kids both of them are 20 years old and both men are gay. One is HIV positive and both have been cut off by their families. They came to California because they were told that there are plenty of services here to support them. They were also told they could stay with some “friends” when they arrived. Much of this was untrue, the part that they could stay with “friends” was very untrue. It’s funny how people will say you can stay with them as long as you have sex and do what they want you to do. I guess I should clarify this by saying gay men.

I was able to provide the guys with hygiene items as well as provide them with an HIV LA guide since one of them is HIV positive and is in need of HIV care. Since he has no health insurance his choices for health care are very limited and the system is very strapped. However I was able to help them make the CHOICE of what works best for them both. There was plenty that went into helping them make this CHOICE, but transportation was at the top of the list. I told them about Common Ground in Santa Monica which is the only comprehensive HIV and AIDS care center on the Westside. They were already aware of OPCC and Saint Joseph Center and expressed how they didnt feel these were the best place for them because they felt as if they were not treated like “humans” and they didnt feel like the person they spoke to “wasnt very helpful and didnt seem to care” This also didnt surprise me given that I had to turn to these two places while I was homeless, however I never even bothered to reach out to them when I became HIV positive because I had already experienced the kind of help they had for when before I was HIV positive. I knew being HIV positive would only cause them to treat me far worse.

The guys have some cash so I told them about the International Hostel on 2nd Street in Santa Monica. I also gave them information on HIV support groups. Through Common Ground they were able to find a support group in Santa Monica, were able to get help with getting food and currently they are working on getting food stamps through DPSS. I was also able to provide both me with FREE prepaid cell phones with 30 minutes on each phone through my “Stay-n-Touch” cell phone outreach. I have spoken to them a few times and things are going well for them. They have been in LA for two months and they both told me that no one has taken the kind of time that I took with them and not made them feel like “scum” or treat them like a “snack”

Tuesday was a both up and down. First of all I had to go to another doctor to have them tell DPSS that I am HIV positive and how long it would last. I think it is just a shame that I have to once again go to another doctors office, other then my own, to have an entire group of people have access and know my personal medical information simply because I am poor and totally dependent on the County and State to help me through the tough time in my life. However not doing what is requires, no matter how wrong I feel it is I must comply with it because I have no CHOICE at this time. However this isnt to say that one day other people who will go through the same things as myself will not have a CHOICE in the matter and I will fight with everything I have inside of me to make sure they do have a CHOICE in who gets to know, see and view their personal medical information.

Tuesday evening was once again a night for ME. After going to see this so called doctor I learned that HIV is considered a “temporary disability” that does expire. Well I really cant say that I learned this because Harbor ucla medical center made me fully aware of this when they entered it into the computer as a 30 day temporary disability. So after seeing this “doctor” I did learn that this time around my “temporary disability” will expire 10 days before my 41st birthday.

Being HIV positive comes with some much crap and people with HIV or AIDS already have so much to deal with, so much to work through and so many people that they have to consider sharing their status with. Adding things like government agencies and all the crap that goes with this only creates more stress and hardships on people who are already suffering enough. Like homelessness that is filled with “negative touch”, being HIV positive is also filled with “negative touch” and this becomes even greater when you are poor and or homeless. Needless to say I was a bit upset when I left the “doctors office” knowing that 10 days before my 41st birthday I would have to go through this all over again.

With tears falling down my face from the reminder that I am HIV positive and pretty much dont have any rights when it comes to my personal medical information, I have no rights with who gets to know my HIV status and I will have to deal with the crap again in December, but not just in December but for the rest of my life was a bit much for me. I know there are things I will have to deal with from being HIV positive, however ignorance from my government, stupidity of office workers and bullshit should not have to be things I must deal with. Being forced to see doctors that aren’t my own doctor and speak to people who are not medical professionals about my personal medical information is just wrong. The fact that someone could say “no” causing me to not have access to housing and or medical services is also wrong and creates undo stress that isn’t helpful toward my overall health and well being.

Tuesday was kick off night for Wine and Jazz at Hollywood and Highland and I so needed something to help me take my mind off the crap I just had to endure to try to get housing for myself. As many of you know I am a HUGE Jazz fan and I am not talking about that Kenny G crap that many try to pass off as Jazz. Nope I am talking the real Jazz that started it all. Dizzy, Vaughn and Armstrong. I was in for a real treat at Hollywood and Highland because Latin Jazz would kick off one of LA’s coolest weekly FREE Jazz concerts that happen through the Southern California that is sponsored by KJAZZ FM.

For those who don’t live in LA and aren’t familiar with Hollywood and Highland you might know it from the famed Kodak Theater that is the home to the Academy Awards~The Oscars. This is one of my favorite places to take in the many FREE Jazz concerts in LA for many reasons. One being the many places to get some great food and the fact that Hollywood and Highland is a very cool venue to host such an event. Besides the fact that Hollywood and Highland has the best line up for FREE Jazz concerts, the biggest reason I love to take in the concerts here is because fro $10 I can get two glassses of wine and a cheese box that support Project Angel Food.

Project Angel Food’s mission is to nourish the body and spirit of men, women and children affected by HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other life-threatening illnesses. Volunteers and staff cook and deliver free and nutritious meals prepared with love throughout Los Angeles County, acting out of a sense of urgency because hunger and illness do not wait. With a corps of 1,500 + dedicated volunteers, the agency provides more than 11,000 meals a week to 1,600 clients of all ages and backgrounds for whom a healthy meal, delivered with a warm smile, is truly lifesaving. Project Angel Food celebrates 20 years of service to the Greater Los Angeles community in 2009. See our video: The Work of Project Angel Food Wine, Jazz & Moonlight at Hollywood & Highland Center.

Tuesday evenings in June, July and August 2009 from 7-9pm in the Central Courtyard
Join Hollywood & Highland Center and KJAZZ 88.1 FM for the 6th annual Wine, Jazz & Moonlight series. Enjoy free concerts by some of the country’s top jazz performers every Tuesday from 7 to 9pm in the Central Courtyard of Hollywood & Highland Center. The event is FREE to the public and a wine tasting donation of $10 to Project Angel Food gets you two glasses of wine and a box of cheese and crackers to enjoy during the performance. Seating is limited, so show up early and use your Hollywood & Highland Center Elephant Card to enjoy discounts at retailers and restaurants throughout the Center.

I was so happy to took this time to enjoy so some awesome Latin Jazz in one of the coolest places for FREE Jazz in LA. If you even happen to find yourself in LA during the summer you really need to make certain that you take in some of the awesome Free Jazz concerts here.

Wednesday was huge for outreaches and me. My day started with an outreach at 9:00AM in Los Angeles to someone with HIV who is living in a housing program. This person came to know me through my Project KengiKat on YOUTUBE and reached out to me to see if I could help him with a Life Kit and information on where he could get some services. Again I was able to offer the Life Kit and the HIV LA book. I also gave him the phone numbers of some people I trust at AIDS Project Los Angeles~APLA~, Being Alive and 5p21~my HIV clinic. I was also able to give him a McDonald’s gift card.

I also had to pick up my income vitrification from DPSS so I could turn in the paperwork that will lead to me getting my own apartment. Even though this process was slowed down by all parties involed other then myself, I am hoping it was fast enough for me to not miss the expiration date the LA Housing Authority places on their paperwork. Time will tell.

Wednesday afternoon I spent a few hours looking for Judy who has been roaming more then usual for several reasons. But finding her was yet another failed effort. I was however able to pass out 12 Do Something Kits, provide 11 McDonald’s gift cards and meet some pretty cool homeless people with some amazing stories. It was so cool to be able to meet them and share smiles with them.

By 4:30PM I was headed home from LA on my bike and already I had racked up some 96 miles since the start of my “break” and I was feeling great. By Wednesday I had also done 21 outreaches and that too felt awesome. Dab the AIDS Bear and LOV Bear were with me ever step of the way and that made my mid week so cool.

I also got two really cool packages from two amazing women on Project KengiKat. The first came from someone who is new to Project KengiKat. She has stepped up to help me with the task of being Judy’s penpal while my friend Courtney takes a break to deal with some things in her personal life, from which I am sure she will come through with flying colors because she is a child of the KING.

The boxes from Crystal was filled with some much sweetness for Judy and I can wait to see her face when she I am able to give it to her. Crystal also included a McDonald’s gift card and letter for Judy in addition to things like a hair brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo and so many other wonderful items that will be such a huge support to Judy and are sure to make her smile very big and bright.
The box also included a sweet card for me and condoms for the Unpluggin HIV outreach.

The next box came from someone whom I have come to love and care for so much. In fact she is very much like a sister to me. My friend Forah also sent a box that was filled with six amazing LIFE KITS which are part of the Unpluggin HIV outreach. She made three for women and three for men and these kits were unlike any I have ever received in the mail before. They were stuffed with all the items on the list for the LIFE KITS plus many more.

The bags were larger then the ones normally used for the Life and Do Something Kits and this was because they had a full towel and scarf in the bag and even the socks and beanies. The Life Kits were awesome and I was so surprised when I got the box and was more surprised when I saw what was inside.

Crystal and Forah, thank you so much for taking the time to do what you did and think of doing it for my organization. It is always so nice and so humbling to see that people are still willing to go above and beyond to try to “be of service” to people in need. It is also very nice to see people “be of their word” and follow through with what they say they are going to do. Recently I removed plenty of members from Project KengiKat who seem to think it is simply ok to say they will do something on my blog, vlog or facebook but then never do it. I dont have time nor the space in my life or on my blog, vlog or facebook for people like this. I certainly do not have a place for them in my organization.

Thursday was packed once again with outreaches to a low income family in Venice, a homeless outreach to Jason at Chess Park, Cell Phone outreach to a homeless man in West LA and Kick Start Meals feed 30 people lunches from Jack-n-the Box. By Thursday evening I needed to take my bike to Bikecrowave to make some repairs.

Bikercrowave is a do it yourself bike repair shop where you are able to put your bike up on a stand and learn to do the needed repairs yourself. Since I have had the TREK 6500 ZX Mountain Bike I have had to pay for one tune up at REI that was really a huge bust because many of the things that claimed to fix only got worse in a week or two. I’ve been to Bikecrowave twice to correct these things and twice to repair rear spokes that have broken from towing the Croozer Trailer. Each time I go to I am able to improve my repair skills and get a better understanding of how to better take care of my bike.

When I left Bikecrowave I was able to pass out my last two McDonald’s gift cards to two homeless people that were walking along Santa Monica Boulevard. I noticed that they had a a sign that said they were hungry and wanted some food. So I asked them if a gift card would be helpful to them. They said yes and I once again Kick Start Meals had taken care of the having access to food for someone who is homeless.

Friday morning I got up and headed to Marina Del Rey to help a homeless after someone called me to ask if I could provide them with information on housing and other services. When I spoke with him Thursday afternoon I was able to ask him if he needed a Do Something Kit. He told me yes and I also asked if he needed food. He said yes to this as well.

Before heading to the Maria I needed to head toward West LA to Jason a Do Something Kit, but he was late and we missed each other. However he was able to get in to DPSS and was able to get his food stamps as well as get vouchered into a hotel room for 14 days. I was also able to encourage him not to sleep the 14 days away and to male the best of the 14 days so he doesnt find that after 14 days he hasnt taken full advantage of the tools that are right in front of him. I will check with him on Wendnesday of next week to see how he is doing.

The guy in Maria has been here in LA for sometime and has been homeless for about three weeks. He came to work for someone as an artist but according to him the gig ended badly leaving him homeless here in Los Angeles. I did make him aware of services that did not work for me, but could very well for him, but I am not sure that he will take advantage of them. I say this because while speaking with him I heard lots of excuses and reasons why he didnt want to seek out avenues that could very well help him.

Some of his thinking and sayings sounded scripted and too much like the Landmark Forum and this didnt surprise me at all because they person who is helping him a Landmark person who also believes that the government has no right to collect taxes and since they cant collect taxes she is asking the government for all the money back plus interest on it. I know it’s a bunch of crap, but my goal was to do what I could to support the person who is homeless and that is what I tried to do. The rest is up to him to do the work it will take to pull himself through homelessness. Acting like, it isnt happening or thing you can someone cheat the system is the wrong way to go about doing it. It is the wrong way about doing anything.

Friday afternoon the plan to deliver 12 Life Kits to AIDS Project Los Angeles was a bust because time would not allow it and getting the person on the phone to confirm that I was in fact coming wasnt possible. The last time I went to deliver Life Kits to APLA without speaking with the person I drop them off to was also a bust. The person at the front desk is not able to take things from clients, so I had to peddle all the way back to the Westside with 22 Life Kits. Since I had plans to attend the rally for cuts to HIV and AIDS funding by the State of California, this wasnt an option for me. Plus after 4 unreturned phone calls I felt it would be best not to try to take the Life Kits to APLA only to not be able to drop them off. Since my case manager will not be available until Wednesday I will find another place to donate the LIFE KITS to.

Friday evening I had plans to attend the rally to protest the cuts to HIV and AIDS funding with my roommate Andy, but he backed out an hour before we were supposed to leaving me to go alone, which was fine because I was able to do the rally on my own schedule and not feel like I needed to be rushed to get back home.

I took the bus and ended up having to walk a few blocks because the streets were blocked off. When I reached the site where the rally took place right away my thought was “wow where are the people” The crowd was much smaller then I thought it would be given the fact that people are about to have access to care and life saving drugs taken away from them from the budget cuts that the State of California is proposing. In fact many cuts have already taken place, but people dont really seem to care. There is plenty of talk, but far less action and far less “protest”

For someone like me who is poor and very much dependent on all of the services that will see or get cuts causes some great concern and sounds so many alarms. So where are all the people who say they care and so they are all about protecting the rights for people who are HIV positive or have AIDS?

Prop 8 drew people out to the streets, thousands of people from all walks of life, gay and straight positive and negative for the subject of the right to marry, but something like the right to life doesnt even seem to be on the radar of many people. Even those in the gay community who yell and screen about gay marriage but are visibly absent when it comes to major funding cuts to HIV and AIDS care which will result in the loss of LIFE. My life and the lives of people who will be at stake is far greater, far more important and certainly worth far more effort then the right to marry.

I was able to take some pictures, speak with some people I know and make some videos of the event including one of me speaking with a case manager from Oasis. Please look for the videos on youtube this week.

Saturday was Do Something Saturday and once again I was able to do an outreach with Niambi at Chess Park on Santa Monica State Beach. This outreach was special for many reasons. I would be able to feed people through the Kick Start Meals outreach, provide a Do Something Kit, Jerry would receive $100 for the sale of his Jazz Man drawing, one of Niambi’s friend would supply socks and shirts for homeless people. I would also be able to provide three FREE cell phones to homeless people or low income people that will allow them to say connected to their world.

The cool thing about Chess Park is the fact that it was started by a Santa Monica native and his love for the game of chess. But he is also someone who doesnt feel the homeless people should not be allowed to use and enjoy the park. To many times cities make homeless people the scapegoat for the programs of a failing system that has really never worked and too often cities are targeting homeless people by making things far more difficult by baring them from parks, beaches and even libraries. Being homeless is very fast becoming against the law in this nation, while the people who do their best to help and serve the growing population are also finding themselves under fire from local police and city government.

Chess Park represents a mixture of homeless, low income, and wealthy people. Anyone from surfers, businessmen, seniors, families, children, teens, rich, poor and yes, HOMELESS people have come to love Chess Park and it is such a huge honor to be able to serve the homeless community there.

Saturday we were able to serve a meal of Spaghetti, Salad and French Bread with water to about 40 people. We were also able to provide 24 pairs of new socks and two Do Something Kits to those in need. Salenas and her daughter were also there to pick up a hygiene, cell phone and new shirts.

Selenas shared the awesome news of her family moving from a two bedroom apartment on 20th and Pico to a much nicer and newer three bedroom two story apartment on 5th and Wilshire also in Santa Monica. Her daughter still remains on the honor role at Santa Monica High School and has plenty of offers to travel as an exchange student. I was able to speak with and video their visit to Chess Park. Please look for the video this week on Project KengiKat.

Sunday was yet another awesome day for outreaches and being of service. It was also another day that I would spend time looking for Judy that would end with me not finding her. It was also a day where I was able to do outreaches through Do Something Saturday, Unpluggin HIV, Kick Start Meals and Stay-n-Touch.

Today I passed out 15 McDonald’s gift cards, 4 Do Somehting Kits, 4 Life Kits and provided one hair cut, however I was not able to find Judy and this really put a down side to my day. I spent about 2 hours circling and looking for her, but I was unable to find her. What I did notice were what looked like carts of things that are piled high with items that could have been items of homeless people. But no Judy nor any sign of her carts either.

My day came to an abrupt end when I flipped my Croozer Trailer and it pinned my leg between the bike tailer. It was very painful and the swelling and stiffness started almost right away. Thankfully Andy was home and able to come pick me up and bring me back home.

While driving toward the freeway down Fairfax I saw one of Judy’s shopping carts, but parked near Park La Brea, but no sign of Judy. I wanted to go home get some ice on my leg and something to eat and then head back out, but the pain and swelling on my leg prevented this, so I will have to start the mission to find Judy on Monday. I simply will not give up until I know she is ok. What concerns me is the area where I saw her one cart is so far from where she normally is, so I cant help be concerned that someone may have taken her cart from her or that she she roaming because the police told her she could no longer sit at the bus stop and another homeless woman who has some real metal issues as well as a huge drinking problem threw water on Judy and tipped her cart over. My scheduled bike ride on Monday will be to find Judy and give her the items provided for her by Crystal.

This past week would have been the week that I would have been gone on a bike ride for the Gay Lesbian Center ~AIDS LIFE CYCLE 8~ but after I was unable to get support for the ride from the very place sponsoring it, many of my friends were unwilling to support me in the ride because they felt it would be unfair if I would not be able to go on the ride if I fell short of the required $3000 goal I must raise in order to be part of something that is billed as “life changing” but I guess only people who are able to raise $3000 can be part of the “life change” that the AIDS LIFE CYCLE can give. The Gay and Lesbian didnt even bother to ask why I had pulled out nor did they thank me for what I was able to raise. As far as my HIV is concerned the Gay and Lesbian Center has been absolutely no support whatsoever. In fact one employee told me I needed to make a choice between Chemotherapy and keeping my first appointment with an HIV doctor in their clinic. For me there was no choice to make. I wasnt going to skip another Chemotherapy appointment like I had done in the past while I was trying to get housing from Skid Row Housing Corporation that later denied me the apartment I was approved for by the Los Angeles Housing Authority and one I had even seen and said I would accept.

This past week I accomplished more then I even could have by being part of the AIDS LIFE CYCLE, this past week I served far people then I even could by being part of the AIDS LIFE CYCLE, this past week I made people comfortable RIGHT NOW, not years from now. This past week I did what I have done for well over two years now and that is to put myself on the back burner and think of others before myself. I have made point to go the extra mile and then some, not for me or for the sake of changing my life, but the lives of people in need RIGHT NOW.

This past week I pushed harder, stayed up longer, thought longer, did more phone calls, more face to face meetings and it payed off because I refused to allow people and their ignorant, uneducated, backwoods, racist, bigoted, twisted, non-Christian thinking control me. I refused to believe that my heart and passion has changed simply because I am not crying in front of harbor ucla medical center, I refused to let so called “friends” who think women who have abortions are “careless” and “whores who go off all willy nilly having sex”,, The past week I saw first hand that with hard work, determination the favor of God I can do all things, I can move any mountain and I have the power to not only create my own “life changing” events that serve people RIGHT NOW and help to “change lives” RIGHT NOW and do not separate people, but includes all people equally regardless of how much money they can raise for a causes that wont ever serve people like myself who are very poor, homeless and suffering through things such as HIV, AIDS, CANCER, SICKLE CELL and many other life threatening things that need attention right now.

I return to my Project KengiKat (Blog and VLOG) and Facebook with a new understanding of my role as a leader with the ability to inspire people to do good the right reason and not for applause and recognition, but because it is the right thing to do. I return unconcerned with what people have to say about me or my community work, because the only thing that really matters is what I think of myself and what I do. I return with a clear understanding that not everyone who says “friend” is my friend and not everyone who donates to my outreach efforts does so for the right reasons. I return realizing that some people in my life need to be removed for reasons that arent personal toward them in any way, but part of my growth and walk with Christ.

I return knowing that what I have created IS already LIFE CHANGING, not just for me, but for those I seek to serve. I return knowing that no one will ever fully understand my passion, my care and what I have created or come to love and respect it as much as me because it is MINE, so it is up to me to continue to lead, shape and grow it and not pay any attention to those who seek to destroy of come against it.

I come back knowing something that I have always known, because it is how I was raised and what I have come to love and respect about myself and that is that I am an awesome person, a great friend and I have a great heart. I return with a more profound understanding of the fact that I have HIV, but it will not dictate who I am, what my opinions are, who and what I will stand up or speak up for. I will not force me into some box of “community” but keep me in step with HUMANITY. I have HIV and it will not rule my life, nor will I allow it to rule the way I live my life. I have HIV, but HIV does not have me.

I want to say thanks so much for all who sent kind messages, comments, emails and voice messages while I was away. I also want to thank you for allowing me to take a break without feeling like I needed to rush back, explain why or think that I some how have a low opinion of myself or feel sorry for myself because I have HIV, Cancer or Sickle Cell. I certainly dont give one thought to someone not liking me because of these things either.

I had a great week off and now I am looking froward to being back and absent when I need to be.

Dabs Night on the Town…Life in LA…..ROCKS

• Posted by Kengi on June 9, 2009 at 11:00pm

Last week I took a full week off from Project KengiKat, Facebook and Project KengiKat on Youtube. Since starting my community outreach to homeless people while I myself was homeless over 2 years ago on February 3, 2007 I have never taken any time off for me. Several family deaths and the lost of some pretty close friends in my life and still I havent missed a beat.

April, 3, 2008, still homeless I was diagnosed HIV positive and even this would not cause me to miss a beat. I kept my heart in the right place asked God to please let me keep my right mind and move forward. God did just that and right before Thanksgiving 2009 God placed me on the hearts of my friends Tina and Andrew and I was able to no longer be homeless on the streets.

I celebrated my 40th birthday with some amazing friends and the day after I celebrated once again with the some other awesome friends, homeless people who I have worked so hard to try to be of service to since I started.

April 3, 2009 I celebrated my one year anniversary of being HIV positive. This was a very hard year for me as far as health care is concerned. I spent over 9 months battling to get in to see my doctor at 5p21, my HIV clinic and even tried to get in to see a doctor at other clinics all with no luck. But God once again showed me his grace, mercy and favor and after 9 months of undue stress for a lousy health care system, DPSS terminating my benefits saying my needs were being met simply because two friends wanted to help me so I didnt have to live on the streets and after other “friends” walked away, I continued to keep my eyes forward and keep it pushin.

As part of my 2 year anniversary of the creation of my outreach I once again celebrated by having a month long outreach to homeless people, Shriners Hospital for Children, Child Care Center in Oakwood and so much more. I also started planing an outreach specifically for people living with HIV and AIDS who are either low income or homeless.

April 3, 2009 I launched not one, but two outreaches. Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive live which was designed to provided Life Kits~hygiene kits~, gently used clothes and meals to people battling HIV and AIDS. I also created Kengi’s Get Tested party which is a yearly outreach to encourage people to know their HIV status and provide support, education and empowerment for those who may learn they are HIV positive. Both outreaches were a complete success. I was able to deliver 31 Life Kits AIDS Project Los Angeles, gently used clothes to Common Ground in Santa Monica and over 20 people got tested for HIV.

I also learned that over 9 months of no medical care was no match for my body. My test results were in. Not only was I not a diabetic like the nursing supervisor hinted I was, but my T-cell had climbed and my viral load had dropped. My doctor said that I should thank my parents for great genetics because my body was doing great containing HIV on its own and I would not be starting or even needing HIV meds.

I left so happy and cried on the bus stop and cried even more when I got home, because once again God showed up and made a way out of no way for me. Once again I was determine to be a LIGHT for those in need and I began to find a way to grown my Unpluggin HIV outreach to monthly outreach in one location. After several weeks of trying and being told “no” I asked my former nurse at my HIV clinic and on May 29, 2009 Unpluggin HIV held its first monthly outreach to 5p21. The outreach will take place the last Friday of every month.

May 13, 2009 I was a guest speaker on a panel of experts for AIDS Project Los Angeles’s HIV Matters. I got to briefly share my experiences from homelessness, being HIV Positive and dealing with homophobia. The opportunity was awesome and my friends were all out in full force to cheer me on.

Still not resting I launched a new segment through Project KengiKat on YOUTUBE called “Conversations with Kengi” that has already interviewed someone who is such a huge inspiration and encouragement to me. I was also asked by Dab Garner, one of the first Americans diagnosed with what was then called GRID (HIV) to be an Ambassador of Hope for his Dab the AIDS Bear Project www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com

This evening was DABS first big LA party and man did we have fun. Andy got an invite to a party for a clothing company called AKADEMIKS taking place at a restaurant called SUR in West Hollywood. It was free and so were the drinks, so this was right up our alley. Hell, when is free never up someone’s alley?

Andy and I took the bus, since his girlfriend Tina was at work, it would be boys night out. The last time this took place was at the Pepsi launch party that was also in West Hollywood and we had a great time. Well tonight was no different. We had a great time.

The vibe was very different at this event. The crowd a the Pepsi launch party was far more festive and laid back, while this one was sort of stuffy and filled with “fancy people” Ya’ll know what Nana said about “fancy” and “fancy people” right?

The food was good even though Andy got a taste of what he calls “suffering”……meat, but not even this would kill out awesome night. The drinks were on hit, so after the second one I was feeling good. Unlike the Pepsi party, tonight we had a guest with us and he was such the little star.

He was turned down by some “fancy people” for pictures, but the night was young and we did find all the crazy, sexy, cool people at the event and they were more then happy to take a picture with Dab and I was even able to talk about my organization as well as Dab Garner and his awesome orgnaization.

Dab even led the way to speaking with someone who knows B. Scott and is also active in the HIV and AIDS arena. Her name was Nicole and she was very sweet and was happy to take a pic with Dab. She handed me her card and I am hoping to find a way to work with her that will help my organization be even greater service to homeless people and those living with HIV and AIDS.

The coolness of the night was the time I got to spend talking with a young couple about dating, sex, relationships, HIV and AIDS, condoms, safer sex and the possibility of maybe even having them both as guests on Conversations with Kengi. They too were happy to take a picture with Dab.

Dab even took pics with two studs at the party. I found them both very sexy, but you know I am a major sucker for a sweet smile and Kyle, I think his name was, flashed that smile and showed of those sexy white teeth. His buddy had that, “call me slick” look that was also very cool. Both guys gladly took a picture with Dab and Kyle even took a pic of Dab in the shopping bag.

Andrea was the last sexy lady Dab was able to take a picture with and she was the last person I had the chance to share Dab and his awesome organization and talk about mine. She is a youngster and says she is looking to do some volunteering.

By the end of the night Andy, Dab and I had a blast. We met some cool people, had some awesome drinks and Dab even tried on some clothes and had two drinks himself. LOL. Andy and I got gift bags, with jeans and a magazine in it. In all it was a great night and I am happy I was able to go and able to take my new little buddy Dab with me.

Tomorrow I have my day cut out for me. I need to find people to help with the Unpluggin HIV outreach at the end of the month at my HIV clinic at USC and I just got an email asking me to do what I could to create an Unpluggin HIV outreach at a building in the Downtown LA area that serves as housing for men and women with HIV and AIDS.

I love what God has allowed me to create, I love the people I work hard to serve and I love the amazing opportunity before me to simply “be of service” to those in need.

Dabs first night out was awesome and I got to spend it with him and my best friend Andy. It feels great to be back from my break.

ALL PICTURES ARE NOW ON FACEBOOK AND FLICKR

I Aint Going Out Like That

• Posted by Kengi on June 10, 2009 at 4:00pm

The possibility of my own place is once again slipping away and once again I will simply have to do my very best not to allow this to set me back, break me down and cause me to simply let go and give up.

The hardest thing for me through homelessness has been the feelings that someone else other than me is in control of my life. Someone else is calling the shots and making all the choices and can only sit by and do nothing other than all I am told to do. I many ways homelessness makes me think of slavery and how fucking hard it must have been for Blacks to hold on to the hope that one day things would not be the way they were.

April 3, 2008 HIV came into play and as I look and examine all that has taken place, it reminds me of how a slave was sold from one bad owner to another. HIV has not been easy for me at all, in fact it has been very fuckin hard. When I look and consider all the hardships that I have faced and had to deal with and I am not even on meds and many would consider me pretty healthy I can help but have great concern about how the new “master” will treat me once I begin meds.

Will the whip hurt as much? Will I cry as much as I do now? Will it eventually break me down to the point to where I feel my life is no longer worth it? Will I live a long life or will I die rather fast from all the beatings I must take from the medical world, DPSS, ASO’s as well as from the general world? Will I finally break down from all the stress from all of this?

If I had to simply think about ONLY and for me it is ONLY HIV, then I would be fine, but I have to worry and stress about who I must give my personal medical information to, who I might have to fist fight, what agency will remind me that I have HIV and make me feel like I am scum for being on the planet. I have to consider that I may not do well on the HIV drugs with my Sickle Cell, I may not even be able to get in to see the doctor after all the budget cuts, Black are still over 25 years ago and it isnt because of stigma or lack of education. It is because access for Blacks is far different then their White counterparts. I am not making this about race, I am just calling things the way they are. Furthermore, I cant make it about race since this country has done a damn good job clearly making it that way. I am just calling a spade a spade.

This week I learned that I was approved for my own apartment unlike the shit hole that I was offered and approved for from Skid Row Housing Corporation, but the master Erving Munroe dont like no mouthy nigger talking bout and standing up for himself. Who the fuck do I think I am? So he played like his ass was God and blocked it. Did APLA help me with this? Fuck no, they did nothing her then say “sorry Kengi, just hold on”

Now once again things are falling apart because my HIV doctor has refused to sign the paper from the Los Angeles Housing Authority saying it is “against the law” for him to state that HIV is a disability. By him not signing it this will cost me the apartment. This would not entitle me to anything other then housing, I cant use the form to get medi-cal, social security or any other benefit other then housing, so there is no reason for him not to fill the paper out the way it is required for me to get housing. Furthermore, Dr. Dube is fully aware of my situation with housing and today when he refused and then hung up in my face was a clear indication that he doesn’t give one rats ass about me or my HIV care.

So when I say I can not get excited about the prospect of gay marriage because my life is at stake I find it very hard to swallow when people say things like “you’re an asshole Kengi” You want my support on gay marriage but where the fuck is my support and the support for thousands of people who are about about to not have any access to life saving drugs under California budget cuts? Where are the crowds blocking traffic for the right to LIFE? Where are the candles and shed tears for those who are dying daily? Where is the whack job Perez Hilton on the facing people who will be dead? Too busy fighting for shit and marching for crap that means nothing when you are dead, means nothing when you are fighting for you life, means nothing when you are fighting for things like a laptop and digital camera on skid row, means nothing when you dont know where your next meal will come from. Where the fuck is all the “EMBRACE DIVERSITY” bullshit for people battling for their life?

I still refuse to give up and I still refuse to blame God for this crap. I will say that another hard blow like this will be a huge test for me, I huge mountain for me to move, and I may not bounce back as quick as before but with Christ I will bounce back and I will get through this. I refuse to give up on my life simply because some jack off seems to think my life isnt worth fighting for because I am Black, HIV positive and Gay. I refuse to put the right to marry ahead of the right to have access to health care and life saving drugs, I refuse to march into the sunset singing the the songs on my ancestors~We Shall Overcome~and quoting Dr. King when Blacks are being wiped off the planet in alarming numbers,because you refuse to see color and the fact that stigma and education may have some to do with the reason why, but access to services, ALL services is the bigger reason. When you refuse to see the “barriers to care” that are right in front of you…..maybe because you helped to created them and get paid to enforce them and create new ones that lead to death.

I refuse to be friends with, be associated with people who do not respect my right to life and will not left one finger to help people with HIV and AIDS live. This includes my so called “Christian Friends” who wont even show up when I ask for support for my Unpluggin HIV outreach, wont even mention my name or HIV when they speak about me or my organization, furthermore wont even mention my Unpluggin HIV outreach in anything they say about me. Yeah you can KICK ROCKS too just like the punk ass doctor of mine and any other punk ass that claims my heart isnt in the right place or my passion has changed.

I am not fighting for just my rights but for the rights of people just like me FIRST, before my own rights. It isnt to get some pat on the fucking back or have a bunch a silly ass cheer leaders not doing a damn thing to help anyone. This blog is to make you see what is going on, not for you to say, poor Kengi, but poor humanity that suffers at the hands of people who get paid damn well to treat us like shit and most do so in the name of Jesus. Just like I know Christ didnt call for my people to be enslaved, I also know he doesnt want anyone to sit by while lives are lost and then have it blamed on him.

I refuse to give up and I refused to be broke by people and health care system that is designed to not just break me down, but kill me and do so in the name of God, Good, Love and Light and seeing no color. This nigga aint going out like that and aint going out without a damn good fight so get em up.

HIV CARE…Why I no longer care to seek care….”that is against the law”

Since I was told I am HIV positive I’ve had a pretty bad time. Not from being sick and not from having to take HIV drugs. The hard time has come from all the programs, people, places and things I must deal with if I am to get things in order for myself.

From the very first day of being told I am HIV positive the information has been very inconsistent, very stressful and there have been times where I can do is cry because I dont know what is right and what I am to believe about HIV. I do know that HIV can lead to AIDS and AIDS does lead to death. I do know this.

Moreover I also know that HIV are only helping you manage death, some have the pleasure of great management while people like myself homeless and Black dont have the great management tools simply because we clearly dont count. I say this based on all that has happened since being told I am HIV positive, more the 90% of it has all been bad and more then 95% of it has been caused by people who are supposed to help someone like myself through this very difficult disease.

HIV alone is bad enough, add things like skid row, lack of housing, no medical insurance, a very poor at best support system and ASO’s who cater to people with money and insurance while providing what I call smoke and mirrors to the people who so desperately need services.

The entire time I have heard things like “HIV will be a blessing for you Kengi” “you’re ok there is no rush” “everything is fine Kengi, just be patient” “you’re very healthy, so there is no need to worry” But in my mind I am thinking “well if I am so damn healthy why do I need to be so stressed out? Why do I need to deal with seeing a doctor at all?” Since I am so healthy and doing great.

About a month ago I was told that I was once again approved for housing, but this time I didnt want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed away by a system that is set up to fail and cause more stress and hardships then it is worth. When I told people in my life no one believed I would get the place because they all have seen what I have had to deal with and go through from being homeless and HIV positive.

However just like before I did all I could and was required to do to get this apartment and jut like I was warned by so many people around me, the apartment that I am approved for and today was told has been set aside for me is now in the hands of some doctor who refuses to sign the form that is required for the Los Angeles Housing Authority saying that I am “healthy” and “do not need the shelter plus care program” However without the program I am homeless with no place to live, no way to stay clean and no place to shower. How can this be good for my HIV? How am I supposed to believe for one second that all the things I hear about great advances in care for people with HIV or AIDS apply to me?

So in my case, who do you reach out to for support? I am cased managed at AIDS Project Los Angeles. I bet they can help me with the problem cant they? Once again the answer is “Kengi there is nothing I can do” or “that is a county program and we cant help with that?”

So then what pray tell is the point in case management? To show me roads I cant walk on? To point me in directions with dead ends and then say “wow, I am sorry I had no idea.” What is the point? Please dont get me wrong, Tiana is awesome and I know she cares, but she cant do anything more then I can do for myself. She cant wave a magic case manager twinkle stick and things are all better. Tiana herslef will tell you that all road blocks, slow downs, turn downs, programs has been caused by so called people and programs that are in place to help, for lack of a better word. More like help stress me out and cause my shame from being HIV positive, more fear of death and far more concern for my life then anything else.

She will also tell you that I do all that I am supposed to do, I bear all the burdens of all that falls through, I am the one left standing with no services only to be told to start all over. I am the one who gets to the one yard line and then I must play the entire NCAA College football league as well as all NFL teams and then get shut out. I am the one left standing there with no service and no place to turn, but I am the one who is told. “It’s a process Kengi. You need to be patient”

Well it’s been over two years and no one can tell me how much more of the process I must endure, how many more times must I be left with nothing or how many more times some asshole will feel they need to feel like they are in charge by refusing service.

According to Dr. Dube and the Rand Schrader Clinic I do not have anything that would warrant me being qualified for housing through the shelter plus care program. Even though the housing specialist spoke with the administrator and explained the city program to him and still he refused. A paper they have signed in the past with no problem. But since I am stand up for myself there is no a problem. So lets teach this BOY a lesson about being so damn mouthy and deny his housing. Lets see how smart mouth he is then? Well here is a newsflash, YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME DOWN!!!!!

So why should I remain in care? Why should I even care about being HIV positive? Why should I even worry about it at all. According to Dr. Dube I am healthy and not in need of housing services. Since I am so healthy, when bother seeing him or any other doctor for that matter. Why not just wait and allow my HIV to become AIDS. I am Black and we all know that Blacks are filled with stigma the our lack of education is so far below everyone else that this is the reason HIV and AIDS is wiping us off the face of the earth.

Without housing my health will fail much quicker. The chance of me dropping out of HIV care a far greater, so why would a doctor who took the oath to first do no harm is so willing to put me in harms way. Why is a clinic who says they care for their patients and do all they can for them and claims to be the leader in HIV and AIDS care for minorities (Blacks) stand by and allow this to take place? Why should I trust that anyone would care for someone like me?

I am Black and I know racial discrimination when I experience it and I have experienced it more then one time at 5p21. I know lousy medical care when I experience it and I have experienced it more then one time at 5p21. I know discrimination because I am HIV positive and I am experiencing it right now in the form of housing discrimination at 5p21. So who will stand up for me? No one, because I am Black, poor and homeless. Three strikes I am out. So there is clearly no need for me to ever believe that any care or concern will be extended to me or people like me.

So where I am right now. Right now I am no longer concerned with knowing I am HIV positive. I will take every precaution to make sure I never infect others with HIV and I will work hard to change the STIGMA and LACK of EDUCATION of the people who are in place to help. Because it is my honest opinion that the medical community and as well as many service organizations are the main reason people dont go into care or fall out of care.

June 11, 2009 at 2:37PM I feel out of HIV Care. Not from stigma or education, but from access to care and services such as housing that will allow me to remain as healthy as I am now that were denied to me by 5p21 (The Rand Schrader Clinic at LAC-USC Medical Center) Dr. Michael Dube, Andres C. Martinez and Raquel B McHann, RN

This is why I fell out of care and why I feel HIV is something I wish I was never told until I was near death and why I will now not seek care until HIV becomes AIDS.

I find it interesting that Dr. Dube will say it is against the law for him to sign the form, but my first doctor there signed the form. There has been no real change in HIV condition, so why he nos says it is against the law is really rather puzzling to me. Furthermore isnt it against the law to give me a prescription for a pill I am only suppose to have four of, but then write the prescription that far exceeds this and tell me not to mention it. That is against the law too right?

Thanks for Being My 3 Tires

• Posted by Kengi on June 12, 2009 at 6:30pm

Dropping out of care is just stupid and the only person who gets hurt from dropping out of care is the person who is foolish enough to do it.

I have said this plenty of times and I am very sure I will say it again, being HIV positive has been a complete nightmare and the fact that it has been this way and I am not even on meds yet is very depressing and pretty sad.

My doctor at 5p21 and the administrator at 5p21 clearly do not understand the form that is required for me to get housing through the Los Angeles Housing Authority. The form does not entitle me to anything other then housing. I can not take this form and apply for SSDI or anything else, it only applies to housing. The form does not make me eligible for anything other then housing through the Los Angeles Housing Authority Shelter Plus Care Program through the City and County of Los Angeles. While Dr. Dube does not understand this form, it does not mean he isnt a great doctor, nor does it cause me to respect him any less. However his unwillingness to accept and at least try to under the form even after it was clearly explained to his administrator and in light of the many problems I have had with my care at 5p21, I can no longer trust him or the clinic with my HIV care and my LIFE. First Do No Harm should really mean something to someone other then me the patient.

I hope to continue my monthly Unpluggin HIV outreach there the last Friday of every month. That was very well received and welcomed bu the patients and staff. However this is something the clinic will have to welcome and fully understand.

Furthermore, let me be very clear my case manager at APLA has done all she can do, but she is just as limited as I am when it comes to dealing with all the red tape put in place by city and government agencies that dont seem to get any attention because they affect the poorest or less represented segment of society. People with no voice, will always get less representation and less things accomplished when there is no one or very few people working to make things better. My case manager is somoene who has been there for me when others have turned and walked away. She is someone who has worked very hard for me and I fully know this and fully appreciate this. Tiana you are a great case manager and I love all the work you have done for me and with me. I hope with all my heart you know this.

Moreover I need to be clear that my AIDS Treament Educator is awesome and I can turn to him as well and I know he will do all in his power to make things come out right. He too is someone I trust and have a huge amount of respect for. Even with all that is falling apart he is right there doing all he can to help me as best he can and I fully appreciate him and all he does. Brian I have said this to you before and I will say it again, you are someone I trust and someone I know will go the extra mile for me, I know this and I fully appreciate it.

Morris you havent been in my life very long, but you are someone who I love and respect. You have been like the missing link to the puzzle of HIV, you step in where Tiana and Brian cant. I can talk to you in ways I cant talk to Tiana because she is a woman and is not HIV positive, I can talk to you in ways I cant talk to Brian because you are Black and for me this means so much. Since our long time family friend Dennis passed and then my cousin Teddy passed after their battle with AIDS I have not had a Black gay male whom I could turn to for support. I havent had someone I could reach out to and have them fully understand. You too are someone I love and respect.

All three of you are very part of my support system and I am so blessed to have such an amazing collection of support from the three of you and I fully appreciate ALL that you have done and are doing for me. I fully realize that each of you have so many other clients that you must take care of the provide service for, so if I have made you feel in any way that I do not appreciate all that you have done for me, please let me tell you that I do appreciate it and I will not ever forget it. The three of you are like the tires that complete the wheels on this car and without those tires things fall apart.

So when I say things about ASO’s it isnt intended to make what you have done not just for me, but for all you serve meaningless or shallow, but to ask that people around you raise there level of care and compassion for the people they serve to your level. It is to challenge those who must step into your shoes from time to time to make certain they do so with the same care and compassion that you three do. It is to point out that when you hand things off to others to serve people they should do so in the same manner as you have done in order to keep things moving and not allow things like “my case load is too heavy” to prevent them for doing all they can regardless of how heavy the load is. It is to remind people that no matter how heavy the load is, that people like me have loads that are very heavy and when adding things like people who say “my case load is too heavy” only serves to make my load much more heavy.

If Tiana must take a break for whatever reason, then someone must step into her shoes who has the same compassion, care and RESPECT for her client and her job. If Brian must take a break for whatever reason, someone must do the same for him, Morris, someone must step in and the last thing someone like me want to hear is “I have a heavy case load”

For me what this translates to is “I cant help you right now” or the three awesome tires I had on my car are now square rims that have dug into the pavement and I am left to do all I can to carry the already heavy load I must carry, plus that of the awesome team I had that has been replaced with people who start with “my case load is too heavy”

If I could take all the good that I know is in people like you three and others from other ASO’s I would be able to create an ASO that does just that. SERVICE.

Brian thanks for all you work in helping me get things on the right track to secure this apartment, thanks for not telling me your case load is too heavy or making me feel like I have some how disturbed you in any way. You are my friend and I love you Brian and respect the awesome hard work you do. Brian it was YOU who was there when my Ma passed. YOU showed up when friends walked away. YOU helped me hold on. YOU were the light when there was nothing but darkness all around me. When I reached my weakest point YOU showed up and helped me get through it. You didnt tell me how wrong I was, didnt make me feel any worse then I already felt, you let me make my mistakes and man I know I have made plenty and will make plenty more, but it was YOU and has been YOU who stands with me and simply says “Kengi lets move forward from here” YOU believed in me when others called me a joke. YOU made a way when others didnt even bother to call me back. YOU asked me to speak when most dont feel I have anything worth listening to. You believe in me when others call me and my thinking “backwards” and “stupid” You were there when I needed someone the most, whne my life could have gone so bad so south YOU showed up and pointed me in the right direction and I love you more then you will ever know and respect you so much more then that.

Tiana, thank you as well for all the hard work you have done for me in order to secure this housing for me. I know you are doing all you can to make things work out. I know this. I know that you care about me, not just as a client, but as a human being who deserves fair treatment. I know you care and I know how busy you are and you always make time for me and you never have turned me away. Like Brian you have never once said how heavy your case load is or made me feel like I am bothering you. You already know I know you and I know you love me as well because you show it. Tiana is was you who listened when I said I cant go there because I will fight. It was you who understood when I fell down flat on my damn face and you helped me back up without judgment of shame. It was you who stood guard and covered me while I cried my eyes out and felt I had nothing left to live for. YOU SAID “Kengi keep it pushing” You were my underground railroad, you were strong when I was weak. YOU remembered my birthday, YOU made me feel like I can get through this even when things went wrong YOU worked you ass off to put other things in place. You let me cry when I needed to cry, you supported me when I made a bad choice and did not walk away. YOU held me and told me I could get through this. YOU loved me and cared for me far more then just a client, but as a HUMAN had fallen and was about to simply give up. YOU refused to let me lay there and not get back up. I know this T and I love you for it. Please know this.

Morris, you are like my big brother, someone I love with my whole heart and you are always right there to let me yell, screem, vent and be angry and you dont make me feel like I am crazy or that I have some how done something to cause you to not want to help you. You help me talk through things, laugh when I need to laugh and let me cry and break down when I need to do that as well and I can do so knowing that I will not be judged or looked down upon in any way. I know you will move heaven and hell to try to support me as best you can. YOU listen at night when I am so frustrated, you answer me when I have questions about care and support. YOU are my friend when there are no other people to call. YOU are the ONLY BROTHA in my life that I love, admire, respect and trust. When I learned that you were sick my heart sank and I didnt ask God to let you hang out for me, but I begged him to give you peace and comfort. Morris if I could go through what you are about to I would do it in a heartbeat.

I love and respect all three of you guys, please know this, so when I blogged about ASO’s and the services they offer I am not attacking or calling into question the truly amazing work YOU three do not just for me, but for so many others.

I have blogged and forgotten to point out the good that is withing AIDS Project Los Angeles and there three are what I view as good……AWESOME at AIDS Project Los Angeles and I want to be very clear about this. Tiana, Brian and Morris are my friends and they do great work and are working very hard for ME and others and they work for AIDS Project Los Angeles, just like my friends Krista and Elise and I am blessed to have them on my friends list on this blog, facebook and in my real life.

I just think it is very important and only fair that I make this very clear to all who read this blog. While I may and many times do raise questions with ASO’s and Missions, Shelters and HIV Clinics there are some great people that do great jobs within each of these places and they deserve my respect and yours for the very hard jobs they do so well.

Tiana, Brian and Morris, thanks for being my three “tires” for my car. In over two years of homelessness and over a year of being HIV positive I cant say that there are anyone in any services organization, ASO or other wise that I respect and care for and I am happy to call me friends more then you three. There certainly isnt anyone who has stood with me like you three have. I am honored, blessed and humbled to have each of you in my life.

I am very sorry if my words on this blog have hurt my three friends on any level in any way. Please accept my deepest apology.

I love you

Kengi

PS: To my loyal readers, I am sorry but pictures would take away from what I am saying here. My heart needed to have center stage this time.

Conquer the Land, Love for Judy, Loss of Life and One Life Hanging in the Balance….My Heart is so Heavy

• Posted by Kengi on June 16, 2009 at 3:30pm

I ‘ve been making a huge effort to keep myself very busy, so I will not think about the fact that I have seen an apartment and I love it. Plus that I have been approved for the apartment but may not get it because my former doctor did not understand the form he is required to sign in order for me to get it. Furthermore even after the form was explained to him and his administrator he still refused to sign the form even though this means I will not get housing. To be very honest this has been very streeful and has caused headaches, tears and severe diarrhea as well as loss of sleep.

Friday didn’t start so well, after speaking with someone about my current situation I only got way more frustrated and was made to feel like this is some how my fault and what was even worse I was made to feel like I think I am the only person who is needing help. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but it upset me just the same. While sitting in the truck with my best friend Andrew I nearly broke down, but I refused to allow this to happen. I corked this feelings and talked with Andrew about what my options were. Andrew and Tina are always there for me when I need to think and talk things through, however they really can only provide basic answers and ask the very same questions I find myself asking all the time. “Now what do you do?” or “What is the point of having them in place?” In fact they aren’t the only ones on my life who ask this and through my blog and vlog and from speaking to others in my situation they have learned that many people are dealing with the very same things as I am and not much is being done to correct it.

I wanted to go bike riding, but two things stopped me from doing this. The most important was the fact that I was very upset by the phone call and getting on my bike at the point could have been harmful to me. The second reason is that my ankle was swelling and getting on my bike would not be such a great idea for it. So instead I worked on my website and tried to contact people with regards to getting items donated for my outreaches.

People ask all the time where do I get the energy, will and drive to do what I do and besides the fact that God has given me this to do I can also look and see how many times things have not gone right in my current situation and know first hand what people might be feeling. So I guess you can say that road blocks, let downs and red tape created by a system that is not designed to help, but slow people down and prevent them from moving forward with their life. This is drive enough all by itself. My own hurt and pain, tears and disappointment motivates me to at least do all I can to make sure people dont have to go through what I been through and I am currently going through. In my heart I know I will not be able to take away much, if not any of the pain that people are facing as they deal with things like homelessness and HIV and AIDS, but I have to at least try and in my doing so I have learned that the very little I do to try to help people is far greater then what most agencies are willing to do for the people like me. This isnt to say that there arent good people doing all they can to make things better either, nor is this an attack on any of my friends. It’s simply the facts.

Saturday I got up early because I wanted to go out for a walk and I also needed to get some tires for my bike. I made a bowl of cheese grits and two eggs over easy. I then did some much needed work on my website-www.dosomethingsaturday.org and spoke to a few friends who had called to offer me some encouragement and support.

Dab the AIDS BEAR and I headed out on a mission to find some new tires for my TREK mountain bike. Since I’ve been towing the CROOZER Trailer the wear on tires that were already very old has been taking it’s toll on the old tires. Plus I have already had to replace two of the spokes on the rear wheel and it was suggested that I replace all the spokes given the the fact that I am pulling the trailer with such a heavy load many days of the week. The cool thing is that I am able to do this myself at a place called Bikecrowave in Santa Monica which is a do it yourself bike repair place that teaches you how to make your own repairs for a small free.

I had already spoken to the guys who help out at Bikecrowave and like I knew they would, thy suggested replacing my old tires as soon as I was able to do so. However they warned me against getting tires that dont have tread on them because I tow the trailer and sometimes I go off road while towing the trailer while doing my outreaches.

So I headed out and hit up some places trying to find a great set of tires. I was prepared to only get one tire in order to spend more on the back tire which was really in need of replacing. One side of the tire was starting to wear and some on the grips were about to rip away. I did some research online and had a general idea of what I wanted, then trick was finding what I found online in a retail store. This can be tricky, because sales people are trained to do just that. Make a sale and many times this isnt the best thing for the customer. Lucily for me I use to race BMX bikes as a kid and even as late as high school and a few years into college I was racing mountain bike. So I am fairly aware of what I need and what I clearly dont need.

I went to Performance Bike Shop where the guy tried to get me to purchase a tire for over $100.00 after I told him what I was looking for and what my budget was for two tires. Spending over $100.00 on one tire would not only be foolish, but it would cost more then any clothes and shoes I now have. After I asked the sales guy for the less expensive tires he simply pointed them out to me and walked away. So I walked out and headed to Bikecology in the Marina.

I got my first time trial bike at this place when I was a first year sophomore at Santa Monica High School-Samohi. This store too was all about the sale and paid no attention to what I asked for, furthermore, they were not very helpful at all, so I wasn’t there very long. “Thanks for browsing” was what I head as I left the store. “Kick Rocks” was my reply.

Now Manny’s in Venice is most times a great place to get a new bike, even a used one as well as great service and supplies for bikes. It was Manny’s that provided with the large bike basket that was on my third beach cruiser that was used for my bike outreach way back in 2007 when I started my outreach. That bike was later stolen while I slept on the beach in Santa Monica when I was homeless. The lock provided very little security for someone who clearly needed that bike more then me.

Manny’s was great once again and they knew the tire I was talking about as well. However they didnt have them in stock, but were willing to order them for me, but that would take up to 5 days before they came in. After I told them what I do with the bike they suggested against getting tires with tread on them. Something Performance and Bikecology said would be better for me and what I do. Manny’s warned that this would not be a smart move for me and not a very wise buy either. I hung out there a a while talking with the guys about how the outreach has grown and how I have been. It was cool to see the guys and have the chance to speak with them again.

My last stop was Helen’s Cycles in Santa Monica. This place a staple in the city of Santa Monica. I got my very first bike there and have purchased many bikes since then at Helen’s. The staff has always been awesome and the repair department is great too. Again, Helen’s didnt have what I wanted and the staff person who was helping me clearly thought he was smarter then me, because he tried to get me to buy a tubeless tire for about $90 and then another tire for about $70. However when I quizzed him on the two tires he really didnt know much about them. I asked for the cheaper tires and unlike Performance he did walk me over to them and continued helping me. SWEET!!!

I made the choice to buy two tires for $29.99 each. I picked these tires because they will not wear down as quick as the so called high performance tires and for what I do these tires are the best choice and the price was also right. I got a front and back tire and headed toward the register.

Once there I bumped into Sherrie, she is a manager there and has also agreed to be a guest interview on the Conversations with Kengi segment on Project KengiKat. I met her the very first day I went into Helen’s to get lights for my bike and unlike people at REI, she was very helpful and made certain that what she was recommending was really going to work for me and what I do. She clearly was not trying to get me to buy a light based on price, but based on what I do. It was great seeing her and once again she was very helpful and even offered a discount for the tires bringing the price down to $23.99. SWEET. Please look for her interview coming up very soon on Project KengiKat.

While out on the adventure with Dab to find the tires, I got a call from this guy Christian from Conquer the Land. He and his buddy Miles are going -already left-on an adventure to discover and explore California from the to of the Golden State all the down to the bottom……….ON BIKES. Along they way they will talk with people and get them to share some life stories.

They are film students at Cal State Northridge and they said this is going to be a great way to get out of the valley and have some stories to share with there kids. Needless to say they will also get to experience the awesome State of California, her unmatched beauty, rich and diverse culture and history.
I met these two through youtube after they sent a video reply to one of my biking videos. I checked out their channel and loved what I saw and right away sent them a message asking them if I could interview them before they left. The guys said yes and we set up a time to meet on Saturday.

Once back home I got started changing the tires on my bike. Once I got the tires off I figured I might as well go ahead and clean the bike as well. I also knew that I needed to adjust my breaks as well. So for about 2 hours I replaced the tired, cleaned the gears and the bike and then adjusted the breaks once the tires were back on the bike. I did this in enough time to even get a bike ride in before the sunset.

Saturday was gay pride and some friends called and joked about me going with them, even though they know I have never been to a gay pride and last year was my first ever gay pride parade down in Long Beach and I must say I really dont have plans on going to another one. To be honest the parade was a huge bore and since I was homeless on the streets then, there was no way for me to afford the price of admission into the event. This past weekend was no different. I dont have the money to spend and even if I did I would not go because it dont see where it represents any part of my life. The fact that I am gay or even HIV positive is not reason enough for me to go to a pride. Plus the first parade was enough boredom to last me an entire life time.

Dab and I will up early, while my headache had gotten worse and not even Excedrin was helping with it, I knew I needed the extra time to make sure I was ready to meet the guys. Plus I was going to ask the guys to take three Do Something Kits along with them on their ride as well as ask them to take pics with DAB. I also wanted to take advantage of the huge opportunity in from of me to share my organization and the organization for which I am an Ambassador of Hope for-Dab the AIDS Bear Project.

Dab and I left at 9:15 biking to the Wilshire and Vermont METRO Station to get the Red Line train to North Hollywood. Even with not feeling my best and the fact that I am not on my bike as regualr as I use to be because my ankle will not allow me to do so, I made very good timing and was at the MERTO station in about 52 minutes. As soon as I got down on the lower platform the train was pulling in and I was on my way. Dab, Luv Bear and I took pictures and even made a quick video on the train.

When I got to the North Hollywood Station the guys were already there and set up and ready for the interview. They greet me with smiles and to my surprise they also asked if they could interview me for their documentary. How sweet was this?

Christian and Miles were very cool and pretty funny to. They have worked very hard and have a lot of support from people and a small bike shop in the valley called Cycle World. They had all their gear on their bikes and used the day get a ride in with all their gear on their bikes.

We did the interview and the guys then interview me. I at the end of the interview I asked them if they would take some Do Something Kits with them and present them to homeless people along the way. They said yes and the three kits I had prepared for them to take and the one I made to show them how to do it were theirs. In addition I asked them to take pictures with Dab the AIDS Bear and I asked if they would consider being part of the organization as well. They said yes to this too.

Please keep these guys in your thoughts and prayers as they have already embarked on a journey of a life time to share the stories and awesome views from the great Golden State….California. You can also read their blog and watch their videos at www.conquertheland.com I will keep in touch with them as Dab Garner has agreed to allow the young men to be Ambassadors of Hope for Dab the AIDS Bear Project. I will present the bears to the guys when they come through Santa Monica.

I headed back down into the train, but right away I began thinking of Judy and how I needed to find her TODAY. I was not going home until I found her. So I got off the train at Hollywood and Vine and rode my bike towards CBS to start looking for her.

The last time I went out to look for Judy a noticed how there were plenty of cards filled with things that use to belong to homeless people, even places where I knew a few homeless people they were no longer there and no one had seen them either. Even small cafes and shops that knew of Judy and were also worried about her found it odd that she had gone missing. This was way out of the ordinary for Judy.

I met Judy over 2 years ago when I was doing a spur of the moment outreach with my good friend Christina. We found Judy and Dickie and a few other women in an alley in the Fairfax district. One of the woman had just used the restroom of herself because there was no place for you to use the restroom and since she is homeless the local eateries in the area would not allow her to use the their restrooms. Even if she had money to pay for something. This came as no shock to me, because I had already experienced using the restroom in my pants because there was simply no place to go. Being homeless is hard enough, but being homeless with shit and piss on your clothes is worse. Please dont think you can simply walk into any laundromat and clean your clothes either. Myself and many others have been refused entrance to such places because we are homeless. One place in Santa Monica told me I could not wash clothes because this wasnt a place for “dirty, dirty clothes”

Christina knew a little bit about what people were going through. She grew up in the roughest part of Cleveland and even lived in a place with no basic accommodations. She also once told how her mother stayed in a homeless shelter, so she was and is no stranger to the struggles and hardships that homeless people must face daily. She was also very aware of how homeless people are treated. Not only was she aware, but she had already seen just how bad people had treated me. She had seen me break down and cry and be so ready to just give up, but like always she was right there when I needed her most. Giving her last and even sleeping on the floor sometimes so I could have a bed to sleep in. “Friends” are a dime a dozen, but someone who truly knows what the meaning of the word “friend” is and fully does their very best to help are far and few between. I am so blessed to know Christina and I am happy to call her friend and know that she will move heaven and earth to try to work things out not just for me, but for people she feels really need some help.

This day I would look for Judy for a few hours and right as I was about to take a break to get some water and a bit to eat I saw her basket. I slammed on my breaks right away and then jumped the curb and turned around. Looking to make sure I would make it across traffic I made a bee line for her cart, but she wasnt any place in sight. I pulled next to the cart to see it she would some how come out and see that it was me, but I didnt see Judy. I ride my bike into the Jack-in the-Box parking lot to look to see if she was inside. But I didnt see her. I got off and walked inside and still I didnt see her, but just as I turned to walk out the door I saw the back of her head. I walked around the and noticed that she was sleeping. She had an Iced Tea and was writing a letter. I let her sleep and went back out to lock my bike up.

I walked back in and order her something to eat. I asked the manager how long had she been sitting there. Since he knew me from the community work I do in the area he told me she had been there since about 7:30AM. I asked him if she had eaten and he said no she just ordered Iced Tea and sat there quietly.

“She doesnt bother anyone and she is very clean. She buys a drink or coffee and doesnt make a mess in the restroom. I know she cleans up in there when she comes in the morning, but she never leaves a mess, so we dont say much to her. She is a very nice lady.” he explained and then he asked what my name was.

“I am Kengi, I’ve been in a few times buying the Jumbo Jacks and Chicken Sandwiches. The last time I was in you three in fries free of charge. Her name is Judy and she is one of the people I do my best to support whenever I can. One of the lunches was for her.”

“Yeah, I remember we all though how nice that was that you take the time to do this for people. We get lots of homeless people in here, some are very mean and rude to us, but for the most part they are very kind like your friend Judy, so we dont mind if they sit here. Why dont you just have a seat and I will bring your meal out to the table.”

“Thanks very much” I said

I walked back over and Judy had opened her eyes to check on her shopping cart. I could tell from looking at her that she hadnt been getting much sleep and not getting sleep can really start to play tricks on you and take it’s toll on all areas of your body and mind.

I walked over and gently said her name and when she turned toward me her sleeping blue eyes opened so wide and she smiled so big and leaped out of her seat calling my name “Oh Kengi!!!! Kengi!!!” she grabbed me and hugged me so tight and she then she said “I thought I would never see you again. I was so sad, but I cant be in that area because it not safe.”

“I understand. I am here now. So lets not worry about that anymore ok? How are you doing?”

Judy had tears on her eyes and she began to tell me that her other basket had been stolen. This was the basket that had many of her papers in it and most of her clothes. The bras and panties she had just gotten from Krystal and Patrick had been taken to. She was completely out of all hygiene items and her face was a bit dirty. I had never seen Judy look this bad before. When I saw the tears in her eyes my heart sank.

Judy was holding my hand so tight I was starting to hurt and I had to convince her that I was not going to leave her and would stay as long as she needed me to. She then grabbed with both her hands and started telling me all that she had been through. My hand was really starting to hurt. I was already in some pain from my Sickle Cell and the tight grip she had on my had was really starting to cause a great deal on pain for me. People were starting to look over at us and since it was gay pride weekend the place was packed. One guy even walked over to ask me if I needed him to call the police. I told him no and asked him to move away. I go Judy to calm down and return to her seat. I told her I had ordered her some food and it would be out soon. I reached into my backpack and took out the hand sanitizer and wipes I keep in there for myself. I handed them both to her and told her to take them into the bathroom and try to calm herself down. I assured her I would be right there when she returned and I would stay as long as she needed to me.

When Judy left the man walked back over to me and told me she was crazy and that I should be careful. He said she always yells at him and spits at him and always sees her talking to herself. In over two years that I have known Judy no one her ever said things like this about her and for me this really mad me upset. I know what it is like to have someone just flat out lie on me simply because I was homeless. I know what it is like to be thrown out of a place where I have paid for food only because some asshole has a problem with me being there. I also knew that Judy has never yelled nor has she ever spit at him.

“Sir I want you to move away from me and do not tell lies on her again. I have know this woman for a while now and what you are saying is not true and I do not appreciate you saying this about her.”

“Now you listen to me boy, this lady comes in here all the time bothering the people who work and eat here……”

After hearing him call me boy I went rather numb. I was already upset that he had lied on her, but now he had called me BOY and was telling more lies about her bothering the staff when I was just told how very nice she was.

“What the fuck did you just call me?” I asked him, this time facing him completely in right in his face.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know very damn well what the hell I am talking about. Dont you ever call me boy again. I strongly suggest you get your simple ass in that damn line, order your food, mind your fuckin business and stay the hell out of mine. Furthermore you better not continue to lie on my friend. If you are going to lie about something then lie about the fact that you brushed your teeth this morning and that you aren’t on full from all the liquor you have been drinking. Now get the hell out my face before I move you out my face.”

Judy walked out just as the manager walked up and told the guy he needed to leave. By this point other people had asked him to mind his business as well. Judy asked me what had happened and I told her nothing that everything was fine. The manager sat her lunch down and told her to have a seat and asked her if she wanted more Iced Tea. Judy smiled and said “Yes, please may I have more?”

I sat with Judy for a while and when I left to go get her things from that Crystal had sent her she was feeling much better and was feeling awesome. Before I left I asked the manager if it was ok for her to sit there and he told me yes. “Thank you for taking care of this for us. We think she is great and the way you calmed her down was very good. Are you a social worker?”

I laughed and told him no. I thought to myself that if I were a social worker I certainly would not give a damn about someone like Judy and since it was the weekend I sure as well would not be out looking for her either.

I jumped on my bike headed down to Wilshire and Fairfax, in the interst of time and not keeping Judy in a holding pattern I jumped on the 720 Rapid bus to get home far quicker. Once home I grabbed more water and packed Judy things into a plastic zip lock bags so that fit in my back pack far better then the large carry sack. I packed the sack in the smaller part to my backpack and headed back out to Judy.

After having three buses pass me by I decided to ride back to Judy. Since taking Wilshire can be a major trek I went down to Santa Monica and took it all the way traveling on Little Santa Monica then making the turn on Robertson to come up to 3rd taking that down to Fairfax where once again I made a turn to head to where I had left Judy.

Once I go back Judy was tired from sitting and we went for a small walk and then sat on a bus stop and we talked for a bit and Judy made a video with me. I can tell when Judy doenst get to talk much because he thoughts can sometimes go off to far away places, but today I was able to bring her back to the conversation pretty fast. There are times when I film Judy that I dont delete the video because it would cause far more harm to people like Judy then any good.

By the time I left Judy I was pretty exhausted and my joints were very sore and my headache had gotten far worse. So bad that my vision was pretty bad that I did not take the risk of biking the short distance back to Wilshire, so I took my time and I walked. I had to stop a few times because I felt like I was going to pass out a few times.

Once on the bus I fell asleep but the driver knew me and she was kind enough to stop, pull over and get out her seat to gently wake me up. She asked if I was ok and said I looked very tired. She even noticed that my ankle was very badly swollen. It was far worse then when I got on the bus and very painful to put pressure on. But I still had to walk a long block before I could get off the ankle. Rather then walk and suffer for about 10 minutes I jumped on my bike and only suffered for about two minutes.

I got home in enough time to watch the later game and listen to Bob Bowers on the POZIAM Radio show. It was so awesome to be able to hear Bob share his story that was very encouraging, inspirational and uplifting to me. I even called in to tell him how much people like him mean to people like me who are battling an entire different side to HIV and AIDS that goes ignored and unnoticed.

With HIV I was warmed not to use the internet by many people saying it would only cause me to have more concern and serve to confuse me, but in my case I have had more problems and far greater concern with the information or lack there of from places that are right here in my own community and nothing but great success from places like POZIAM and from hearing and reading the stories of other homeless people with HIV and AIDS that are dealing with many and some time far greater issues then then what I am dealing with. So when people try to make me feel like I am on the only one who has the issues that I’ve had or make me feel like I am the cause of them I can turn to countless blogs all over the internet both inside and outside the United States clearly saying and having the very same problems as I and far more and very little to nothing being done to correct them.

My day came to end rather sad when I learned that a little girl I use to mentor and she was also part of my Million $ Ghetto Photo project down in the Oakwood area of Venice had been killed by gun fire while she was visiting her father in Las Vegas. My heart just sank and my spirit got so heavy. I later got a call that my God Mother was very ill and was taken to the hospital. She is now in ICU on life support. She had wanted to come see me last week, but I had to tell her she could not come because I had to take care of things for this apartment I am jumping through hoops for.

This is very hard for me because when Ma called for me I could not come because I was too busy trying to get into housing and when I was ready to tell her what I was going through with being homeless and being HIV positive, she died the night before. She called for me and I failed to answer and that is something that eats me up inside daily. Now once again someone who has been like a second Ma to me has called for me and I wasnt able to be there and now she is on life support. I cant go see her because doing so will cause me miss an appointment for this apartment or new doctors appointments. I have called and spoken with the nurses and they are nice enough to tell her that I am calling.

My soul is heavy right now and my heart is much heavier, but I know God will make a way and no matter what the outcome I know it is whats best and I wont question it, but I will not for one second pretend like I am not hurt by it.

So Judy is safe and sound and I am so happy to know this, but I once again am wounded and will have to heal on my own. I know there are plenty of people who care and do reach out, but I am still very much alone in this world and that sometimes is the worst feeling there is.

Please keep my Big Mama in your prayers

Today is Tuesday and I am not in the best of moods. Big Mama has taken a turn for the worst and housing is slipping away once again. I am about to leave to take a warm jacket to Judy and head to Hollywood and Highland for Jazz. Tonight is Barbara Morrison. She was one of Ma’s favorites and Big Mama loves her to. I will blog once I am home about my day and where I am with housing. “starting over” will be the title of tonights blog

Death is never easy…..my faith MUST get me through this time

• Posted by Kengi on June 17, 2009 at 12:18am

Death is never easy to deal, even when you know it is coming, it’s still never easy to deal with. For me death has been a bit harder then normal because twice two people who have meant the world to me have called for me right before death and I wasnt there.

I moved back home from New York after Ma called and said she needed me to help her with Pops and I have to come home. My parents have had never asked me for anything and they gave me the world. I was free to do and travel as I pleased, so when I got that call I was more then happy to come home. After all that was my Pops, one of my three super heroes. Pops was always was so strong, always there for me when I was sick and as a kid with Sickle Cell I was sick almost all the time, but Pops and Ma were always there and so was Big Mama.

Soon after Pops passed I became homeless, all the money I had saved was gone from taking care of him and me. We were both very sick. Pops kept needing all these surgeries and then cancer came back for me and I too was in and out of the hospital. I never told Ma that I was running out of money. She too was worn down from caring for Pops and her health was starting to fail. Plus she was carrying all my siblings, they house notes and car payments, her and Pops were paying for private schools and all else, so I refused to put on more thing on Ma. Plus I never though homelessness would ever last as long as it has. Two weeks tops is what I thought, then one month passed and things were getting worse and I was getting sicker, but still I didnt tell Ma. In fact I told no one. I even lied about it to people who were coming to know me through the organization I had started.

April 3, 2008 I was diagnosed with HIV and my heart sank. I was already homeless and still had not come to term with the loss of Pops, plus 6 of my cousins had also passed and that wasnt easy for me as well. I was having more nasty fist fights then I had my entire life. I wanted so bad to tell Ma, I wanted to run to her and cry, but I would not be another child to let her down, cause her pain. I saw the look in her eyes when she spoke of my brothers and sisters ad I wasnt about to let my hero down. So I kept it all inside and it has really eaten away at me.

The day before Ma passed she called me and asked me to come see her, but there were things I needed to do first. I had to make sure all these fucking papers were signed and turned on and I had done all I could to get off the fucking streets. We talked for a while on the phone and I wanted again so damn bad to tell her, but when she told me that I was the only child they never had to worry about, the only one that was never in trouble, never needed to be bailed out from spending way more then I make, never letting them and how very proud she was of me, I again kept what I was going through to myself. I told Ma I was come see her the next day. I spoke to her later that evening she just told me she was tired and wanted take a nap. She told me she loved me and how proud she was of me. Before I could respond the charge on my cell phone died. That was the last time I spoke to her. She asked me to come and I was so fucking busy dealing with the bullshit of homeless and dicking around with with HIV shit that Ma passed and I didnt even get the chance to say I love you or goodbye. My second hero had left and what was once my safe harbor for all the hurt, evil and pain of this life no more, no longer there and my world was completely empty.

I’ve never felt so much pain, so much anger, so much hate, so much range, guilt and shame and it really consumed me. For the first time ever in my life I felt like I had nothing to live for. I had lived my life for my parents, they were all I really cared about and now they were gone and I wanted to be gone too. I was fucking homeless and HIV positive and things were not going right at all. Again, just like with Pops, my 6 cousins and now Ma, I would bottle this all up and do my best to not let it kill me.

Homelessness was teaching how to hate myself, how to hate myself for being gay and for being HIV positive. Homelessness was teaching me that the man I loved so much was stupid and not worth a damn. The man that was so loved by his parents was a huge failure and all that I had accomplished in my life meant nothing. I was “backwards” “stupid” a “fagot” and many other things I was starting to believe it. Yeah I was learning fast how to hate who I was and who my parents raised me to be. So called friends played key roles in this, even the people I had to turn to for help played their roles as well It got so bad I tried to kill myself, not once but twice. The first time I never even spoke of or blogged about until now. The second time I talked about, but for the most part I kept it to myself.

Two weeks ago my third and last hero called me, Big Mama wanted to set a time to see me. I have not seen her in a while and she really doesnt leave the house all the much anymore, so when she called and said she was coming down to Santa Monica to spend the day with me I was so excited, but the following week I had to once again jump through hoops for housing that I may not even get. I had to go pick up new paperwork for housing that Dr. Dube didnt fill out correctly and later he refused to sign the new paper, I also had to get new paperwork for my case manager to sign as well. I had to do this on Thursday, the very same day I was supposed to see my Big Mama. I had to call her and ask if we could do it this week.

She was very understanding. After Ma passed I told her what I didnt have the courage to tell Ma and it was her who made me feel better about it. It was on her lap that I cried for Ma and Pops and I tried so hard to let go of all the hurt and pain from the loss of my parents, but I know I didnt get it all out. I am far too afraid to let it all out. So afraid that I will break so far down that I wont recover from it.

I got a call today my Big Mama was in the ICU and was on life support and my heart sank. I wanted so bad to rush to the hospital but it is so far away and no way to get there by bus, so I prayed and asked God to give her rest and peace and I begged him to let her know that I was so sorry I had let her down by not being able to see her.

Today my very short meeting with my case manger was unlike any I had ever had with her. There was no smile, no how are you, no warmth. It was cold and very standoffish. She was distant and that didnt feel good at all. When I left I cried because I never wanted to be treated like I was today by a her. I never wanted the sting of case managers I had in the past. I tried very hard not to cry, but I did and as I walked back to the bus stop the tears fell down my face. Someone who has been in my corner since day one was now pissed at me and her face was like I had never seen it before. It was clear someone had said something to her about me and I aint no dumbass.

Tonight while I was at jazz at Hollywood and Highland I got a phone call telling me Big Mama had died. My last hero had left and once again, just like with Ma, I failed her and just like with Ma, I dont know that I will get over this. I walked into the bathroom and cried for I dont know how long. I walked to the train and cried more as I rode the train tot he 720 and cried on the bus. Not once did anyone ask if I was ok, no one even paid me any mind.

Once again homelessness and HIV have taken center stage in my life and prevented me from doing the right thing and once again someone I will never have the chance to hear speak to me ever again is now gone and I am left here with all the guilt and shame that I will have to simply have to get through. Once again my heart is so heavy it fills as if it will burst, my eyes cant even make enough tears and my head is pounding.

Once again my life is flipped on me and once again I will have to dig deep and get through this ALONE and not allow it to destroy me and to think that I may not even get the apartment because of things that were out of my control and then to have canceled my date with Big Mama for things that should have simply been done correct the fist time is just going to be very hard to deal with.

I can hear it now. “sorry Kengi, just hold on”

Another person I will have to bottle up and keep inside, the last person I could really trust with me very life and now I stand here ALONE with a broken heart and not much hope left, but I know God is a healer and he will heal this huge wound, this SINK HOLE of a life I now have. I have to believe this. Now more then ever I will turn to God, because he is truly all I have now, now more then ever I will need him to make it through this rough time in my life. Now more then ever, I will need my faith to carry me through this. My soul so beat down right now, my will is weak and my energy is very low, please keep me in your prayers.

My blog was supposed to be about starting over and now it is clearly about things ending. Friendships I thought were solid and someone who was very much like a second mother to me. All of the sudden the darkness has fallen on me once again and the storm has returned. I am so lost right now and my world is so damn empty. Yeah my faith will have to get me through this one, because my will is now broken.

Central Jazz Festival

• Posted by Kengi on June 19, 2009 at 8:57pm

Just a few pictures from Central Jazz Festival this past weekend.

From left to right. Councilwoman Jan Perry and Congresswoman Maxine Waters

Outreach Monday for people with HIV & AIDS

• Posted by Kengi on June 23, 2009 at 12:30pm

Monday was a pretty big day for my organization, I called it outreach Monday, but ow as I look at how my week is taking place I am thinking this will be one week where outreach will take place each day and for me that is such an awesome feeling. It will also help take my mind off things with the apartment that I have been approved for, but may not get and once again it this will not be because I didn’t do everything I was supposed to do, but “it’s a process Kengi, just hold on.”

I met Mary and Skyler Dorset and their awesome kids at the rally for Darfur that I attended after being made aware of what is taking place there by my friend Eric. Mary likes to bake and she is damn good at it. So since starting the Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS Mary and I have been working hard at finding ways I could use her sweets to support some pretty awesome people. Sunday it all came together. Mary had been a “baking fool” and this time around my organization would benefit from her skills in the kitchen.

Mary and I set a time to for her to drop off her sweets so I could use them for the outreach that took place on Monday, June 21, 2009 for Common Ground in Santa Monica. Common Ground is the only comprehensive care center for people living with HIV and AIDS on the West side of Los Angeles. More then 3360 people are HIV positive on the West side and Common Ground does an excellent job making sure they do all they can to serve them without excuse. Not only did Mary bring her awesome baked goods, but she also came with clothes, mainly coats and jackets that would also be used for the outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS.

Since we are on the subject on donations, lets talk about my buddy Michael, he too came through with some awesome donations of clothes for men. Saturday morning after going for a walk to get some pants and socks for myself….yeah something for me, I walked up the steps to find four bags filled with awesome clothes for men.

I met Michael through his wife Devra who is student in the Department of Social Work at USC..FIGHT ON!!! Devra and other students as well as Professor Mischel from the Department of Social Work have been awesome supporters and huge new assets to helping me serve people who are homeless through my Do Something Saturday outreach project, but they have also been a huge amount of support for my Unpluggin HIV outreach as well. Social Work student Grissel was the person who made me aware and even invited me to the rally to protest budget cuts for people with HIV and AIDS. She is very much on the front lines in the fight for one of the communities hardest hit by HIV and AIDS and I am proud to call her friend.

This is now the third donation of awesome items Michael and his wife Devra have provided to me for my outreach efforts and just like before, the things that were donated were awesome. Michael, thank you very much for your continued loyal support of my efforts to be of service for the people I try to serve. You and Devra are outstanding examples of what it means to give from the heart and to do so without so without expecting anything in return. I am so honored and proud to have you both as valued members of my core group of supports who truly and fully get what it means to be of service, who truly get what it means to simply do our best to stand in the gap and make things better for people who have less. Thank you so very much for your awesome donations.

Monday morning Dab the AIDS Bear and I were up watching the view, making Life Kits, packing the Croozer Bike Trailer as well as making certain my bike was ready for the HUGE day of outreach that would all be done on my TREK mountain bike, pulling the Croozer trailer loaded with donations for people living with HIV and AIDS. 11:30AM Dab and I were on the road headed to Common Ground in Santa Monica to help support people with HIV and AIDS.

Towing about 60 pounds I arrived at Common Ground in Santa Monica about 21 minutes and once I get there I see someone I know very well, but was unaware he is HIV positive. He is someone I have supported for about a year through my Do Something Saturday outreach project. When we saw each other right away we both smiled and said hello.

“Kengi, man it is good to see you.”

“Hey man it is good to see you too. How have you been?”

“I am good. I am doing very good.” he says

“I was worried about you because I havent seen you in a while, so it’s good to see you.”

“Well I got sick and was in the hospital for a bit, but I am fine now. It’s a long story man. Maybe we can talk about it sometime.”

“Ok cool. I am just glad to see that you are ok.” I smiled.

“What are you doing here?” he asked

“I’m dropping off donations to support people with HIV and AIDS as part of my Unpluggin HIV outreach”

“I didnt know you have an HIV outreach.”

“Well I am HIV positive and I want to make sure I am doing all I can to support people who might be going through the same things I did.” I smiled and winked at him in an effort to get him to feel comfortable and it worked.

“Can I share something with you Kengi.” He said in a very low voice looking around to make sure no one could hear him.

“Sure you can and let me say this, there is nothing that you can share with me that will cause me not to want to help you as best I can or love and support you. Dude I use to eat from trash cans, sleep in alleys and much more, so feel free to share whatever you want to ok.”

“I dont know how to say this Kengi. I am ashamed and I am having a very hard time with it, but it is getting better.” He sat down and took a very long pause and I said nothing. I simply stood there and allowed him to be in the moment after a few minutes he looks up and says “Kengi I have AIDS.”

He put his head back down and again I said nothing, because I knew there was more he needed to get out and for me to start talking would prevent that from taking place.

“I made lots of mistakes in my life man, done things I am so ashamed of, used drugs and had sex with so many people without a condom so I dont know where or when I got this……..” He went on to share with me for about 20 minutes and there were times when you broke down.

As he shared with me my own tears started to fall down my face because I knew in that moment I was for him what has not taken place for me. He was purging and doing so with someone he trusted, he was letting go of the shame of his past in order to step into the bright future that is right in front of him. As spoke tears were gushing from my eyes because a lot of what he shared was my own story of how he had turned to places for support only to be let down, how he has so many people around him, but how he feels so alone at times and people always tell him that he “isnt alone” He spoke of having gone to places with appointments only to not get anything done other then signing papers that assure they will get funding for helping him when they’ve done nothing at all but stress him out.

At the end he looked up and I opened my arms. He stood up and I hugged him and he broke down even more. “Kengi where do I go from here. I am so lost and I dont know what to do.”

Before I answered him I had to try to think very hard about my answer. I didnt want to sound like some asshole, nor did I want to sound like some careless person simply spitting shit out of their mouth that means nothing. So I took a moment to ask God for direction and the words.

“You’re still here man and where you go from here is up to you. How you live your life and move forward is up to you. Ask God to forgive you for whatever it is that YOU feel you need to be forgiven for, then forgive yourself and move forward. I will not tell you that this is going to be easy or that you will be ok, because I dont know that. No one knows that. But you are here, so make the best of that. So what you have AIDS, big fucking whoop. YOU just do all you can to take care of yourself and make sure you take your meds, see your doctor and even though it feels like it isnt much, keep reaching out to anyone who will hear you. LOVE who you are.”

Before we finished he shared that he got housing in Santa Monica and did so through Common Ground, he told me that worked very hard to help him get clean clothes and find a doctor that he really loves. He shared that he was with another ASO and they didnt seem to be helping him, he shared how he even tried to kill himself because he never seemed to get any place with them. Then he tried Common Ground and according to him and I have heard this for all the people I know who get service there, that right away they made things happen for him and housing didnt take that long.

When I walked inside to find someone to accept the donations. Each time I go to Common Ground the staff is very friendly and this is something that I know is lacking for other ASO’s. First impressions are key and many ASO’s miss the mark with first impressions. This isn’t to say that all things are bad at ASO’s but from my personal experience the same level of care is not shared when you deal with more then one person. Furthermore things like “heavy case loads” and not having a working relationship with a person can also cause problems for people trying to access service, so it is up to ASO’s to step to the plate and make sure they aren’t creating more problems, more hurdles and road blocks that do not serve their bottom line, the client. If a case manager cant help when things come up within the very organization where they work, then this is a problem that must be corrected.

After leaving Common Ground I was a bit upset with myself for not doing more homework when I selected an ASO. I had no idea that Common Ground was an option. Not once had OPCC, Saint Joseph Center, UCLA, or USC mentioned it to me. Not once in reaching out to find an ASO did anyone mention this place to me. However I am the one who is at fault, I should have done more work, looked harder before making a choice and now I am where I am and I am thankful for the work that has taken place through APLA, but I do know that me having an opinion, my speaking out and this blog has hurt me and has caused things not to happen.

I am very happy that my friend is off the streets, please know this and I am in no way angry or asking why did he get housing, AWESOME housing in a place that has been my home my entire life, but I am upset that when things dont go well I am left with “I am sorry Kengi” or “I dont know Kengi” and “Just hold on Kengi.” My tears started to fall again when I heard the voice of my friend saying how bad things were at the same ASO I am now with and how awful his case manager made him feel at times. He said how when he spoke up for himself it was met with anger and what he said was attempts to make him leave.

I will not say for that I have not felt these very same feelings and my expressing them has not made things better and writing this blog will do nothing but make things better either. But I will not sit quiet and act as if my ASO is great and does a great job for me as their client or that they are receptive to my needs, concerns and problems that I have had. Let me be very clear that this is in no way an attack on anyone I consider to be a friend there and does not take away from he good that has come from being a client there. However it also does not mean that things have been great there either because they haven’t been. There have been times that I feel ignored or that I dont matter and right now is very much one of those times. AGAIN, this is not an attack, just stating how I feel and I am entitled to do this and should not be made to feel bad because I have expressed it.

The sad thing is that this isnt the first time I have heard somone say how bad things were for them at my ASO. Most of them were Black or Latino and some white, but all of them are very poor or homeless and that does not make me feel great about my fate there as a client.

I jumped back on my bike and headed to Mar Vista, because my friend Birgitta had sent me a text message telling me that she had a box of clothes for me. So I needed to go by and get them. Once there I had the chance to sit and visit with her and get to know her better. I met her at a community meeting in Mar Vista where I shared the community work I am doing and she was very helpful right form the start.

She has supported my outreach efforts at least four times now and each time she has been a major help and the items she donates are awesome. Today would be no different. This time one of her neighbors was moving and cleaning out his closet and she told him not to throw things out because she could donate them to an organization that could use the items. The items donated were in awesome condition and will once again be used to support people living with HIV and AIDS at Common Grounds in Santa Monica.

I completed my day by taking the last bag bag of cookies I had packed in the trailer to a homeless came not far from Tina and Andy’s place. Once back I took a nap and then took a shower. I also had to call around and start doing my homework on finding the best place to help me qualify for my move in grant from HOPWA. I simply dont think it will be a wise decision to allow the housing department at my ASO to handle it since they did such a lousy job the last time and I didnt get it. Furthermore the “housing specialist” I was assigned to had no idea which papers to give me. The papers he gave me were wrong and this slowed down the process and then I was asked if I were really homeless by the supervisor of the department after he found my blog that said “30 days homeless by choice” Later I was told that my application would not be accepted and was not turned submitted for consideration. This cost me a place to live off the streets. Nope this time I will find a place that knows what they are doing and will not use my blog to disqualify me without submitting the paper work for an official decision.

As I sit here on Tuesday morning typing this blog I cant help but think about the love of Christ. So many people who parade themselves as people who care for me and only want whats best for me spit “Christ” out their mouths, but will turn right around and launch attacks and hate toward people who are homeless, gay or lesbian. How is this in line with the love of Christ? As I sit here troubled and very concerned about housing I am smiling because of the real message and love of Christ.

When I think of the story of Christ and why he went to the cross I recall people in the crowd saying. If you are the son of God and so powerful, the why dont you come down from that cross and save yourself. But I know it wasnt the nails that held him to the cross, because he could have come down, but to do so would me the world would be lost.

It was love that held him there. Love for homeless people, love for the poor, love for the sick and shut in, love for people who things that most said were evil and not of God, it was love that held him there, love for the drug dealer, love for the hooker, love for gay men and lesbian women, it was love for humanity regardless of their so called standing in “community” and love for humanity regardless of “fancy”, love for the woman at the well, love for Caleb who sleeps under the freeway, love for Jackie who turns tricks to feel her kids, love for Kevin who also turns tricks to buy his HIV meds, it was love for people like John who sleep in the beach, love Blacks are so disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS, but only stats are produced to address this, it was love for the gay men who have been beaten, love for couples who are not allowed to marry because someone distorted the message and love and Christ and twisted into something sick, evil and discriminatory then wrapped it in his message of love.

No it wanst the nails that held Christ to the cross, it was his LOVE for ALL humanity, so it is with this love that I will continue to push forward even as the tears fall down my face. It is with this love that I will not fret over attacks that are simply launched to distract me from the work I have been called to do. It is grace, mercy, favor and LOVE of Christ that I will get housing, if not this time, then soon and it is with this LOVE that I refuse to allow anything to hold me back from doing the work I now do, from being the best I can be and improve with each passing day.

I want to express my many thanks to all the people who made “outreach Monday” a huge success. For knowing that the love and message of Christ applies to everyone and for being brave and Christ like enough to stand up for people who have far less and are battling through the hardships of HIV and AIDS as well as poverty and homelessness.

The love of Christ is for ALL humanity and the story of Calvary clearly demonstrates this and it includes people like me, like or not. I am so glad that it aint up to YOU.

I’ve Come Too Far To Turn Around

• Posted by Kengi on June 24, 2009 at 12:00am

Starting Over

When it comes to something like health care the last words I ever want to here and certainly the last thing I ever want to do is start over, but once again I’ve been forced to do just that. However this time I am also making many other changes as well.

A couple of weeks ago I took time out for me, to make sure I had no distractions and that I was doing all I could not to let the hopes of getting my own place slip out of my hands. Everything I needed to do I took care of, just like I have always done. Everything that was handed to me by the place offering the housing involved several other people besides myself, but I did all that was required of me and I did so in two days. However other paperwork took longer because I was unable to get appointments to turn in the paperwork with required parties. This slowed things down.

When I ran into road blocks with unemployment as well as DPSS, I reached out for help, but doing so only got me answers like “I dont know Kengi.” Asking for advice from others only seemed to cause problems, so I did what I always do. I fixed things on my own and found other ways of making sure that this was not going to fall apart because I wasn’t doing all I could to prevent it.

I went to another unemployment office and asked for a supervisor and explained to her what I needed it. However before getting to speak with her I had to deal with people who were not very helpful and one even refused to help me unless I told her what medical condition this was for. When I refused to tell her, she refused to help. I then had to make a choice and my choice was to hell her I was HIV positive and she blurted out “You have AIDS” loud enough for everyone to hear. Despite this bold faced ignorance I pushed forward until I got what I had came for.

I also went to another DPSS office and spoke with a supervisor and explained to her what had taken place in the Downtown LA office and she did all she could to correct this. In doing so I was able to get my monlthy food stamps and the $221.00 per month back again. This time with no monthly interruptions or problems so far. However is they come up I will not wait to get them fully addressed and fixed.

When I found out that my doctor didnt sign his form correct and even my case manager’s form also needed to be done again, I was a little let down. If anything would be wrong, you would think it would be something I had done wrong, a place that I filled out incorrect, but this wasnt the case. I had done everything write and now things could possibly fall apart because people who are supposed to be on my side and know how to do things right the first time, had dropped the ball.

My doctor flat out refused to sign the form saying it would be illegal for him to do so. Even after the housing manager explained to the administrator exactly what the form is, he still refused to sign it. The form has been signed many times by others doctors at the clinic including my former doctor and there was no reason why the form could not be signed this time. No reason at all. It is interesting that all of this comes after many problems with the clinic and my nurse and after I made a complaint about the nurse and the nursing supervisor. I honestly feel Dr. Dube not signing the form was nothing more then the clinics way of getting me to leave. How’s that for “first do no harm”

He is where I stand with the apartment: I was told that the apartment has been set aside for me, however I needed to do all I could to make certain the papers get done correctly. This time I needed people to really show up for me and one person really did. My AIDS treatment educator wrote a letter to get me in to another clinic. It will be a hardship for me to get there, but I will ride my bike if I have to. He also assured me that my case manager and her boss were working very hard to make sure things went well. When I was unable to get my case manager on the phone I called her boss to try to get some answers and he was far less then helpful and if he was the one working hard for me,then I knew this was going to fall apart. After speaking with him for about 5 minutes he acted as if I was the one at fault here, like all the slow down was caused by me and he reminded me that I wasnt the only person that my case manager had as a client. He also made excuses about how things come to a stand still when my case manager doesn’t have answers when things go wrong. To be honest he pissed me off and I said “thanks” and hung up. My best friend Andy calmed me down and helped me to think things through. I still refused to give up. Since I had no idea what my case manager and her boss were doing, I was going to once again do all I could not to let things fall apart. I called my peer support manager and he advised trying to find a number for the doctor and clinic to get at least get that ball moving.

Last week I got my blood work done and was assured that the clinic was fully aware of the form and they were fairly sure the doctor would sign it. The difference between this clinic and the old one is the level and care everyone seemed to have with the fact that my housing was really on the line, each person did all they could to assure me and make me feel calm. I also had an EKG done today to make sure my heart is fine as well as starting the Hep B vaccination all over again.

Today I got a call from my new doctors office and I was told I needed to come in today and not next week. Right away my heart sank because I thought under all the stress my body was starting to break down much like I have done so much over the past month, but I was told that the reason I was asked to come in today was because the next week would be too late for the apartment. I needed to come today to see the doctor and get the form signed.

Well not only did I get my form signed, I also met my new doctor and right away she made me feel good about my HIV. I had an exam like I have never had since being HIV positive. She made me feel like I was back in private care and that my health was really a priority for her and the people at the clinic has also mad me feel the very same way. We talked about ways for me to make certain my body remains strong and this is something were USC has failed and have been very unclear as to what I need to do to keep building T-cells as well as making sure I am doing all I can to avoid the heart disease that plagues both sides of my family tree. Something I have asked about several times while at USC, but never got a an answer or even a game plan to make certain this would not become my fate.

Most important I got my labs back and once again my body is showing me just how strong it is and that I need to keep the faith and stay in the fight. My T-cells have once again climbed and my viral load has also dropped off again and once again God showed me that he is in full control despite what I might be going through.

Before leaving the doctors office I was given a referral to an optometrist to get my eyes examined and get much needed glasses that I have been without since homelessness began. I also called the housing office to make sure I let them know that I have the form signed and I am ready turn it in. I didn’t want to take a chance with the mail, since time is working against me.

I have no idea what is going on with the form that my case manager needed to sign. When I saw her last week she said she was unable to reach the housing office and had to wait before she signed the form and instead of calling me to pick up the forms like we have always done in the past, she has now said she would mail them. Our meeting was short, distant and very cold. I have not heard from her since, so I dont know if her required form has been filled out or not.

I dont know where starting over this time will lead as far as housing is concerned and I honeslty dont know that I will remain in case management with AIDS Project Los Angeles, as I do not feel they fully care about me as a client, nor do I feel they do the best job advocating for people like me. Poor people, homeless people and Black people. This isn’t an attack on friends that I have that work there. Just something I need to consider when I think of someone or something “managing me” I need to know and not doubt in any way that they fully care about me. This has nothing to do with friendship is has everything to do with my HIV care and my well being. Like things at USC, things at AIDS Project Los Angeles have been bad as well and pushing me aside is no longer acceptable. So for right now I am praying and asking God to give me the right thing to do.

Yesterday I got an email from another housing option in Santa Monica, a place where I was told I could not be placed on the waiting list. However when I called myself I was told a much different story and I was placed on the list. The letter was asking me if I was still interested in the apartment in Santa Monica, just steps from the sand and more importantly very close to Chess Park where I do most of my Do Something Saturday outreaches to homeless people.

I cant ever give up, I cant ever give in, because I’ve come too far to turn around. I might get sick, but I cant turn around, I might get discouraged, but I cant turn around, I might be made to cry sometime, but I cant turn around, I cant look to the left and I cant look to the right, the bible teaches me that in doing so I am unable to move forward and I must move forward. You cant stop me, you cant turn me around.

I’m Not Tired Yet

• Posted by Kengi on June 27, 2009 at 11:14am

As a kid Ma always said for me to keep busy she’d tel me “an idle mind is the devils workshop” and she was so right. As a kid if I was busy with something I was off doing things I really shouldn’t have been doing like getting even with one of my sister by breaking the heads and legs off their barbie dolls. When I learned that all they had to do was to put them back on, I started to cut their hands and feet.

The past two weeks were really no different, I was stressing big time about this apartment, really angry at Dr. Dube for nor signing the form that moves me closer to getting it saying it was “against the law” for him to sign it, plus the fact that I had lost my Big Mama was really very hard on me. To say the past two weeks were a walk through the fire is really putting it rather mildly.

I knew in order for me not to stress out I had to find things to do, so I submerged myself into my community work as deep as I could, but even that didn’t totally help, because the stress showed up in the form of food. I’ve been eating like a pig non-stop and I have noticed it too. My clothes are fitting tighter and my energy level is way down. I am waking up eating and no matter how many outreaches I’ve planned the eating continues.

Stress is no good for my Sickle Cell and certainly is no good for my HIV either and I do all I can not to allow things to stress me out, but how can you not stress when your doctor, someone who is supposed to “first do no harm” is doing just that? How can my HIV doctor stand in the way of my housing? How can he think I would be better living on the streets? Furthermore how could I allow someone that clearly doesn’t me, much less care about my life continue to be my doctor?

In addition to all of this I was also really questioning why Dr. Dube would do something like this. Was it because I had complained about his nurse? Was it because I had complained about the nursing supervisor? Was it because it because I asked too many questions? Was his actions once again, just like the actions of Skid Row Housing Corporation? I can not help but think and I truly believe that Dr. Dube did this in order to get me to leave the clinic, since I had already spoken with the administrator about the many problems I was having I also think he was in on it as well. There is just no way in hell that he does not know about this form. I am poor, black, homeless, gay and have HIV, who the hell is going to listen to me. Who the hell is going to stand up for me, certainly not my government and certainly not my ASO. The sad thing is that I reached out to 6 different ASO’s and ASO reps and not one got back in touch with me, well let me take that lie back, one did reach out to me on facebook to invite me to become a fan of another ASO, but did not even mention my email and request for help and support. Why I asked why I never heard back the reply was they were too busy. But not too busy to send a request for me to become a fan of some ASO they are a board member for. Just more of the same bullshit I am use to when it comes to ASO’s.

I’ve said the fact that he didn’t sign the paper does not take away from him being a good doctor, but when I really think about this, it truly does diminish him as a good doctor. Moreover it takes away from him as a human being. I can totally understand if he was unaware of this form or the program that has been in place for years. In fact he has signed the paper before and so have other doctors at the clinic. Even his administrator acted like he was aware of what the form was. The person from the housing program called him and explained it to him and he still refused. Without this paper I am disqualified for housing which means I would be living on the streets and fist fighting again for my belongings. Anyone in their right mind would be stressed out in many ways. Some would be far more stressed them I am.

I buckled down and doug myself into my organization and decided that I was going to do as many outreaches as possible to keep my mind off things that were seemly falling part in my own life. In the past 14 days I’ve done 10 outreaches to people with HIV and AID as well as to people who are homeless. I even got 3 outreaches in to families that are low income as well.

This many outreaches alone meant I really had lots of work to do, both for the outreach and to stay on top on the housing issues I was having. I now needed to find clinic and a new doctor and this meant getting my labs done all over again. It also meant that this would be my 4th change since being diagnosed HIV positive. It meant having to start all over with everything, but this time my housing was on the line and I wasnt about to give up and take “I dont know” or allow the lack of effort, concern or care of some ASO manager to cause me to miss out on housing. I am very bothered by people getting paid to say “I dont know”

Thanks to my friend and AIDS Treatment Educator Brian Risley I was able to find another doctor and I was able to get in very fast. If you are reading my blog I said that when people who do great work like Brian, Morris and Tiana must take breaks or vacations then someone just as committed and qualified, caring and compassionate must step in to help and not cause more stress. Well this did not happen. The head of case management at my ASO spoke to me like I had bothered him, like how dare you call me. He was rude and said things like “we have heavy case loads” and “our housing department is small” and my all time favorite “I dont know”

The head of the case management department should know. PERIOD. There is absolutely no reason why the manager of the department that manages people, has no clue when it comes to all the paper work that is required for clients that they are “managing” “I dont know” should never be the answer from the head of the damn department. If you dont know they how can the people under him effectively serve people like me.

After being yelled at by this manager for his lack of knowledge I thanked him and hung up. I had not time to speak to someone else who doesnt give a damn about the people they claim to serve. After speaking with him I know now more then ever that AIDS Project Los Angeles still has plenty of work to do to when it comes to changing their long standing reputation as the ASO for “rich white men” and after speaking with this manager I know there is no place for me. He drove his point home load and clear. I am not white, not rich and I dont count. I got your damn message.

Let me be perfectly clear I have nothing but love and respect for my friends Tiana, Morris and Brian, they have done nothing but great work for me and I am so very thankful. They also do great work for their clients as well. There are also others at APLA who do great work like Krista, Jack, Elise and Joseph at the front desk, but this still does not change the fact that there is massive work to be done to effectively serve my community and do it without disrespect or making people feel like they have bothered people by calling to ask for help. I’ve never once questioned any of the hard work Tiana, Brian and now Morris has done for and I fully appreciate it. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar from the pit of hell.

My best friend Andrew kept me calm and helped me to remain focused and did not allow me to think about my conversation with this so called manager of case management. KICK ROCKS and take your damn case load and sit on it. Oh you already do that.

Throughout the week while doing my outreaches I met homeless people with some pretty sad and amazing stories of both victory and defeat. I met people who had given up on life so long ago, so because they really never had much to strive for to begin with and others who have been so beaten down by the system in place that they have lost all hope, all joy and all else. These are the stories that bother me the most, it is said when people make the choice to live homeless, but I am always so angry when I hear from people who have tried for years and simply give up because they system in place is not designed to move them quickly through homelessness, but keep them in it as long as possible. I hurts my soul to see people sleeping in alleys and in dark corners, but yet all these organizations say they are helping and doing such awesome work and just like my friends Tiana, Morris and Brian, there are people doing awesome jobs to help people who are homeless and dealing with things like HIV and AIDS, but the road to get to people like them is a rough and hard road to walk on and many people give up, many people say “this is not worth it”

When I hear the stories from people dealing with homelessness, HIV and AIDS I think of my own story, my own hardships and my own tears. When I hear how people are turned away and told “come back next week” “it’s a process” and “I have a heavy case load” I think of all the times I have gone through and have heard the very same things. When I hear people with HIV say they no longer try to get care because it was just to hard to access, my heart sinks and when I hear it from Blacks my heart and my soul shakes because these people are trying to access services and are met by people like the manager I spoke with and they simply give up.

How do we begin to fix things when many of things in place to help people like me are so badly broken and people like Tiana, Morris and Brian are in very low numbers, but people like that manager are in greater numbers and causing so much harm? How do we correct the CDC report when ASO’s still are doing very little to include the very people who are affected by HIV and AIDS the most? Why is it that “fancy” always gets helped first while people like me have to struggle and fight every step of the way?

Friday I went in to fill out my application for my own housing and on Monday at 9:30AM I will take my final step toward getting my own place. Friday marked one full year that I have been on the waiting list for this housing, I was told it would be at least a year before I would be called and here it is a full year later and I am being moving forward.

I am greatly hurt by the conversation I had with this manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles and not because he acted this way towards me, I am much stronger then that, but I am upset that he has spoken to other people who aren’t as strong as me. Who dont have people like Tiana, Morris and Brian to help them. I am sad because I see the faces and hear the stories of so many people suffering through HIV and AIDS that are poor and homeless and no one seems to care. I am hurt because Dr. Dube and 5p21 are also reasons people give up and become stats on some CDC report. When I hear Blacks say things like “I’ll just wait until I have AIDS” my hear sinks because they feel this is the only way for them, they’ve given up on ASO’s and clinics and now will have to fight much harder to retain a life once HIV becomes AIDS.

However I dont judge them because I have had these feelings and I have thought it would be best to drop out of care, not because I dont love who I am, but sometimes the road to care is just a hard fight and when the very places you turn to for support are also throwing hard blows and punches and then smiling while they do so, I fully understand why people feel the way they do. I’ve felt this way too.

For me I will do all I can to encourage people by simply being an example of not giving up, staying in the fight no matter how hard you get hit, no matter how many times you get knocked on your ass by places that are supposed to be helping, no matter hard the road, how dark the night, no matter how many tears I cry or how many people make me feel like I am worthless, no matter how many people I run into that act like I have bothered them, I will “keep it pusin” I will keep fighting not for me but for those who will come after me, so they wont have to deal with as much shit as I have been through, so they wont have to look into the eyes of someone and hear them say “I am better off dead” I will keep fighting because all human life matters and all human life deserves a full chance, serves the same rights, privileges and respect as “rich white men” who battle HIV and AIDS. Blacks deserve a fair chance at survival and it all cant be blamed on “stigma” or “education” ASO’s and the medical community need to own up and take their share of the blame in this as well, their hands are just as bloody if not more from the lack of compassionate concern and care for the community greatest hit by HIV and AIDS.

In the past 14 days I’ve done 11 outreaches, served 112 meals people homeless people and those with HIV and AIDS, 186 Do Something and Life Kits passed out, three outreaches of gently used clothes to people with HIV and AIDS, 2 outreaches of gently used clothes to homeless people, 4 pairs of shoes, three sleeping bags 200 bottles of water 100 bottles of Gatorade, over 100 miles of bike riding on my TREK Mountain Bike pulling my Croozer trailer, 4 free cell phones given to homeless people and countless smiles and hours spent helping those who are in need. I kept all doctor appointments, returned all emails, kept all commitments I made to people and “I’m not tired yet.

I want to thank my friends Birgitta and Michael for the donations that helped to make the last 14 days a complete joy for me even in the middle of so much crap in my own personal life, it’s awesome to know I have friends that will step up and help me get things accomplisshed for homeless people and people living with HIV and AIDS without excuse. I also want to say many thanks to my friend Brian who went the extra mile to make sure I was taken care of even as he was dealing with leaving town to care for his father who has since passed away. Please keep my friend and his family in your prayers and in your hearts. Brian, thank you for being my friend and for all the hard work you do not just for me but all your clients and friends. I love you.Tiana thanks for being the greatest case manager ever and for always being there for me. You are the Ram in the bush that God always has for me. I love you with my while heart and Morris, what can I say man, you are my rock, my go to man when I need a shoulder, my laughter when I need to laugh my friend who allows me to cry when I need to cry and yell when I need to yell. I love you.

Old Blogs 2009 (May 10-31)

// May 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Old Blogs from Project KengiKat

Happy Mother’s Day

• Posted by Kengi on May 10, 2009 at 9:16am

I want to wish all the Mother’s of Project KengiKat a very Happy Mother’s Day. I know many of the women her are dealing with all sorts of things like children leaving for school, surgery, the birth of grand children, loss of work, and even sickness in their bodies, but please know this, each of you are loved and so very appreciated in every single way. Each one of you are true gift from God and each display the awesome power that he has created.

So as you each go about your day with you children, families and friends, I want you to know that I am praying for you and I love you. I want you to know that you are a very special and welcome part of this network. I am both honored and blessed to have you here and I want you to sit back relax and enjoy the one day of the year that has been set aside for the woman who truly should and needs to be celebrated each of everyday.

Happy Mother’s Ladies

Love KengiKat

Unpluggin HIV “HIV MATTERS” public speaking

• Posted by Kengi on May 14, 2009 at 11:47am

If someone had told me way back when that I would be a guest on a panel of distinguish speakers for AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES (APLA) speaking in the HIV Matters forum on Homophobia and HIV, I would have laughed at them. Not because I wouldnt be able to do it, but because I would never be HIV positive and speaking for APLA wasn’t any place near my radar.

The truth is I never thought someone like me would ever be HIV positive. As you recall I had my first face to face encounter with AIDS when I was pretty young, around 19 years old when drove our long time family friend, so long time that her parents were friends with my grandparents and she was friends with my Ma, but went to school with my Uncle. Dennis her son, the man I drove her to see, was friends with one of my brothers and one of my sisters, I am best friends with Adriane who is his cousin. This is what I mean by long time family friend, in fact many would say we are like cousins. She Mildred was very much like a second Mother to me.

Dennis was at Los Angeles County USC Medical Center or Big General as many locals fondly call it, he had AIDS and at the time I knew he was sick and I had heard about AIDS, but I never seen it face to face. When I walked into his room I began to cry immediately. “Who is this” I thought. Dennis wasn’t Dennis, he was some monster that has sores all over he was very skinny with eyes pushed so far back you could barely see them.

As we left I remember Mildred crying knowing she was preparing herself for the passing of her son. In fact she pleaded with God to give him peace and not to let him suffer anymore. She kept saying she understood almost like you would say in response to someone talking to you and giving you an answer that you really didnt want to hear, but have no other choice because it was already set in motion. The cry she cried was one I had heard many times before. Even though I was still pretty young, I came from a large family, a family where I knew my great great grandparents and even some great great aunts, uncles and cousins, so death was something that was almost like a way of life in my family. People were old, so death happened quite a bit.

Seeing Dennis made me very fearful of what was going to happen to me. I would suffer and die just like he was because I am gay and God is pissed with me for being gay. I recall hating that building and everyone inside of it. All the doctors who weren’t helping, the nurses who stood far away, I wanted them all dead for not taking care of Dennis and for making Mildred so sad that our souls connected when she began to cry as I drove her home. There is a cry that comes from the soul when it is hurt or wounded and when I heard Mildred’s cry starting to stir deep within her body I got cold from the inside out and right then I knew Dennis was going to die soon. Mildred was releasing him to the arm of God and doing her best to make peace with it. “I understand Jesus…….I know, I know, I know I know. Please give my baby rest……”

I cried in silence as I drove her home and not long after Dennis passed away inside that building I wanted destroyed.

April 3, 2008 I was told I was HIV positive and right away the fear for my life came crashing in on me. This was was nothing like the fear of death from Sickle Cell or the fear of pain and suffering from cancer. I knew Sickle Cell and cancer and I felt I could beat them both, but HIV came with thoughts of Dennis and all the other men I have known in my life that have died very painful deaths. I would much rather have a Sickle Cell crisis all day everyday, then to go through even an ounce of what they did, look so unhappy they way they did and become so very dependent on people to take care of me. What I had thought would never happen to me was now my reality.

However unlike way back then, I no longer feel like God hates me, or HIV and AIDS is some sort of punishment, because I am gay. I know God loves me and I know I am his child and I also know I have his favor. I didnt just wake up one morning and say “hey I think I wanna be with a man” I was born this way. I have been gay my entire life and I will not for one second believe that it is “cursed” by God. Now I know man has some curses for me, but no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

When I met Tiana, my case manager at APLA right away she helped to calm me down, settle my spirit if you will and today she is very much someone I love, trust and know without a shadow of doubt will stand up for me, with me and fight for me. I know she cares for me as her client, but most of all I know she cares for me as her friend and brother in Christ. I cant say HIV has been any easier to deal with and get through because she is in my life, but I will say she has made it more “laughable” and I am not saying the HIV and AIDS is anything to joke about or make light of it in any way. She has made certain that she is always planting flowers and trees along my path to show me the beauty that God has for me, so I guess I can say she has made being HIV positive in many ways. Yeah, she has made it easier on some levels.

When I first met Brian I was still very much dealing with homelessness and all the shame, hurt, fear, judgment and abuse that goes hand and hand with being homeless, but right away Brian reached out to me and made certain I knew I could call on him if I needed to and I am so glad he did this because I did need to and just like he said, he was there for me. He had already become someone I felt like I could trust and dealing with homelessness I was learning not to trust a word that comes from the mouth of anyone from any agency, However Tiana and Brian were changing that in me and today I not only love and trust them both, I consider them my friends and if needed to I would trust them both with my life.

Becoming HIV positive has presented a new challenge in my life I am not speaking of my own health challenges from being HIV positive, nor I am speaking about any of the many access to care situation and problems I have had. The challenge I am speaking of is how I will take HIV and use all that God has placed inside of me and make things better for people who suffer from HIV and AIDS. How can I be a voice, not to any certain community, but for humanity, how can I take a stand, get involved and really be affective?

I took some steps in this journey and some have proven to be dead ends for me, but others have proven to be the way that God would have me to go. Like creating within my own organization the Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreach that is now the sister outreach to the one I created when I was homeless, Do Something Saturday. I have also spoken on the issues of homelessness and HIV. But I still feel like I can do more, reach more, impact far more right here in my area the very place that I love so much, California and Los Angeles. Many of you know I was born and raised in Santa Monica and I love LA with all my heart, I love her people and the rich and vibrant ethnic and cultural diversity that only Los Angeles and Southern California has. I love the beauty in the color of the people here, the flava of their culture and awesome experiences, so I am so ready and willing to step into the area to bring all the gifts and talents and God given ability inside of me to help heal this awesome place as best I can.

Not long ago I reached out to my friend Tiana about speaking and being a voice for people living and battling with HIV and AIDS, just like always she went to work and she also told me to talk with Brian and I am so happy I did. Once again I reached out and once again Brian was right there to help me move from the thought, to the plan to the stage. I met with him and I expressed my desire to be a new face and a new voice for HIV, but it is my desire to be like any other voice already on the stage. I expressed to him that I felt it was very important that people who are HIV and AIDS who are poor and homeless be given a more greater voice, like homeless individuals and families who have to suffer through being seen, but not heard I feel that people who are poor and homeless batting HIV and AIDS suffer even greater because they are now either HIV or AIDS and just like homeless people, they too go ignored and unheard. However I also expressed that I too wanted to become a more positive role model for the Black community. I feel places like Black radio, Churches and even the NAACP are missing the mark and failing my community. Our so called leaders, Pastors, Bishops, churches both large and small and even our radio stations do very little to help bring real change to the very people who suffer and die from HIV and AIDS the most. However they do an outstanding job at promoting hatred, discrimination, hurt and shame by allowing homophobic ideas, messages and even employees run rapid in their organization, radio programing and even in their pulpits. We all know this serves no purpose at all. It is gossip and gossip has never empowered anyone. PERIOD.

My first opportunity to speak about my experience and test the waters to see if I was ready came last night and I must say I am so ready for this. Like all challenges in my life I approach them and at first they may pose some concern, fear and even difficulty, but in the end they get a smack down and I walk further into my victory.

Brian introduced me to Krista and she was awesome to me. I tend not to share my experiences of being gay and HIV positive very much, not that I am ashamed, but people can be very cruel and the ones who say the care the most will hurt you the most. I think the song says “one shot to your heart without breaking your skin. No one has the power to hurt you like your friend.

I didnt blog my bloody fight on skid row, primarily because I didnt want some wack job to get the idea to try to find me and do it again. I also dont blog the many times people has read this blog and sought me out only to attack me verbally and even physically. I dont want to give any fuel to anyone who already hates me for taking a stand against homelessness and I certainly dont want to give someone fuel to attack me because I am gay and HIV positive.

However when I met with Krista we spoke a little about the fight and even then I tried my best to avoid it and not let it come to the surface. I cried a bit when I met with her, but I got it under control very fast and she was so cool and very kind. However after I left and was riding home I had to stop my bike and find a place to sit and just ball. I have never been in a fight that I didnt win, I’ve never been hit in my face and I have certainly never been in a fight because someone hates me because I am gay, but that is very much what the fight on skid row was about and I had to stop and cry to let go of some of it. Even now as I type this I must stop and let go of it.

So for me the the chance to speak last night was a test to see if this is what I am ready for, and after I spoke I know I am fully prepared and ready for it and thanks to the awesome direction, love and support of Krista and Brian and my faith in God I did very well. So now I am ready for the next step that God will direct me towards.

Just like the day of my 40th birthday I spent the day alone. I worked on my speech just a bit, but spent more time praying and meditating and asking God to anoint me. To allow his words to become mine, to allow his will not my own to come out. All day I did and I simply tried to clear my space to allow the fullness of God to shine bright. Igot some awesome email messages from friends and even some phone calls from people letting me know that they were praying for me.

When I arrived the Village at Ed Gould Plaza my soul was at peace and my spirit was calm. Krista was the first person I saw, she greeted me with a hug and a smile and made me feel welcome. She walked me around and introduced me to people there. I really felt like a celebrity getting the red carpet treatment and for me this felt so cool and was also very humbling for me.

While I waited to get some practice time on the stage I took some pictures and spoke to some really cool people. Jack Beck was someone I spoke to at great length and he too was someone who made me at ease and calm. jack has this HUGE smile that I am sure makes everyone feel welcome and calm. Plus he is a awesome to speak with and has a very interesting job at APLA that I am hoping to be able to speak and interview him about for Project KengiKat. In fact there are plenty of people that I would love to speak with and interview for Project KengiKat that are doing some awesome things to help people through HIV and AIDS.

I was glad to see my friend Bart and my new friend Morris there as well, my ACE on the case manager Tiana was unable to be there but I had some T time with her on the phone and I know she was there with me in spirit. She too is someone I am hoping to maybe interview as well. Brian showed up looking his normal sexy self with the huge smile I am always so happy to see and right away he made me feel welcome and calm about what I was about to experience.

The speakers on the panel was some pretty heavy hitters that are well known and very respected, so for me to even be in the same panel with them was a huge honor and too very humbling experience for me, the panel included George Ayala, Psy.D., he is the Executive Officer, Global Forum on MSM and HIV, Tom Coates, Ph.D., he is the Director, UCLA Program in Global Health, Ralphael Landovitz, M.D. he is the Assistant Professor of Medicine, Division of Infectious Disease, UCLA Department of Medicine, Jennifer Sayles, M.D., M.P.H. and she is the Medical Director for the Office of AIDS Programs and Policy. The event moderator was Mario Perez who the Director of the Office of AIDS Programs and Policy.

Some of my friends like Niambi, Patrick and Krystal were not able to attend last night because of work and previous commitments, but they texted emailed and called to wish me the best, other friends did make it out and I am so glad they did and they included Shammeer, Eric, Willow, Ryan, Moina, Tina and Andy. Eric was cool enough to video the entire event for me that I have up on youtube a bit later once I learn how to edit and create a movie.

I want to extend my heart felt thanks to Brian for thinking of me to be on this panel and for believing in me. Your friendship means the world to me Brian and I am so blessed and honored to call you friend, that you so very much for the opportunity not to just speak and take my place in the area in HIV and AIDS, but helping me shed some of the hurt and pain of my past and leaving it behind me. YOU ROCK

Krista, I just met you, but there is one thing that stands out from this meeting and it is the one of the many qualities I can honestly say I love and respect about you and its the hug you gave me in the theater after I went over the speech with you. That too allowed me to shed some of the hurt and pain from the past and that night I tried so very hard to forget even happened to me. You kindness and care towards me was so awesome and real. The hug was one that I get from friends who truly care about me and that speaks volumes to the amazing woman you really are. Thanks so much for all the time and care you took with me, thanks for letting me be ME, just plain old Louis trying to do my part to make things better for people. I hope I have the chance to work with you again and I also knwo that you will soon become just as much a part of my success and road toward being of service to people who HIV and AIDS.

To all my friends, including Morris and Bart thanks so much for showing up and being there for me. Thanks for believing in me and seeing the good inside of the hard exterior that people see. Thanks for letting me break down and cry when I need to and not judging me for it. Thanks for standing with me while others turn and walk away. Thanks be showing me what real friends are and what they look like. Thanks for being the light that I needed and still very much need along the path that God has me on. Thanks for your kindness love and patience with someone so broke down as me. I am so blessed and honored to have you all in my life and I thank God for you each and every day.

In close, God I dont know where you are about to lead me, but I am your ready and willing to do what your will and not my own. You said you would give me the desires of my heart and my heart desires to be a powerful voice for the homelessness and HIV and AIDS, so I am asking that YOU lead, YOU direct, YOU increase, YOU succeed me, YOU make a way of out no way, not for me father but for those who go without a voice, without being heard or have there concerns met. I am here to do your will, so use ME father, SEND ME father, cover me with your mercy, grace and favor so that I am able. Continue to send me people like those who I mention in this humble blog, please continue to restore, renew and rebuild me, please continue to heal this shell that housed my soul in, so that I may continue the work that you have given me to do, continue to shape me and mold me, especially my mouth and just like you have always done father, please continue to allow me to keep my mind and my joy. I thank you and praise you for my life, the good time and all the bad times, I praise you for all the pain and suffering I’ve gone through because it is molding me into the great man that YOU would have me to be. I know all this sickness in my body is not what you have for me, but it is part of my purpose, my path and I know if I just bow down and follow you, that you will take all the sickness and turn it all into a mighty victory for others.

I pray you grace and mercy for my friends here give Brian a special portion as he is dealing with the sickness of his father, send him and his family what they need to make it through this, I pray peace and joy for his father. Thank you for Krista and her care, I ask that you place a hedge of protection around both her and Brian and allow them to continue the amazing work that is before them and to continue to do it with LOVE and GREAT CARE, the same love and care that you have for ALL of us because we are your children and YOU love each of us as we are, as you have created us, Gay, Lesbian and Straight.

This blessings and prayer I ask in the above all others name, the great I AM that I AM, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I ask all this in the name of the your son, OUR savior, our way maker, our comforter, our peace giver, our peace for a new day our healer. In JESUS name I pray. AMEN and AMEN.

Blessings

HIV Meds and Sickle Cell. How will I do on meds?

• Posted by Kengi on May 15, 2009 at 10:30am

Last night I had the pleasure to attend an informative presentation on the HIV drug Atripla. As many of you know I am HIV positive and have been since April 3, 2008, currently I am not on any meds because my body is doing an awesome job handling the HIV virus on it’s own. However if there ever becomes a time when I need to start HIV Meds I want to make certain I not just have a basic knowledge of the drugs my fully capable doctor will recommend for me, but I also want to make sure I am fully aware all drugs, how affective they are, what the side affects both major and minor as well as making sure I speak with and listen to as many patients who are on meds as possible.

One thing my parents taught me and something I had to practice fully throught the 22 months of homelessness was to count on myself, depend and trust myself. Battling health issues my entire life has also made me very aware of my own body and knowing fully what it will and will not tolerate. Sometimes medical providers have a tendency to think they know more about your body you do and for me this can cause far more pain and even death. Having said this I have long been very proactive and very much aware and ready to ask questions and seek out answers concerning my health care.

Ma us to say “you know your body better then anyone. You also have to know things for yourself and dont simply take your doctors word for something based on their degree.” I hav
e never done this and I never will. Ma was right, I must do all my own homework and I must also insist that my doctor listen and fully understand my concerns and questions. If they cant, then they cant be my doctor.

All my life I had private health care insurance and I always had doctors that listened and paid close attention and took into consideration all my needs and concerns. However since homelessness and now not having any medical coverage I am finding that many health care providers do not listen to the patient and care very little about their patient or their overall care. I think this has much to do with the fact that medical professionals will not get top dollar for the services provided and I also feel this is because care is now run by people who want to drive the bottom line, MONEY.

Being HIV positive causes some great concern for me beyond the basic concerns that all HIV patients have. I am also worried about how HIV drugs will affect my Sickle Cell. How well do Sickle Cell patients do on such meds? In listening to some of the side effects last night I said to myself, these are things I already feel with Sickle Cell, so you mean now I have to try to differentiate between my Sickle Cell and the med I am on for my HIV? How do I do this when from what I heard they are both the same?

I asked the question last night how well Sickle Cell patients do on Atripla and the answer I got was the same I always get from drug company representatives and doctors and that is “I dont know” or “we dont know” For me with a disease like Sickle Cell that comes with a life expectancy, I am now HIV positive and the drugs on the market that are supposed to help me, could very well cause very serious problems and yes, even death for me.

This leads me to other question. Why dont they know? Why arent there tests conducted? If HIV and AIDS is the # 1 killer of Blacks and in my opinion they always have been since day one, in this country and I would even say world wide, then why are there no tests on the group that they affect the most? Why dont we know? How am I a Black man with HIV the # killer of of BLACK people, someone with Sickle Cell supposed to feel comfortable and safe taking drugs that are supposed to help me live longer when the disease I have battled my entire life isnt even part of the research tests and the answers are “I dont know” and “we dont know”

Just like before and always I will have to take the lead on this, I will have to be aware of all the drugs on the market, I will have to be fully aware how well Sickle Cell patients do on such drugs, I will also have to take into consideration the fact that there may be no information on this subject at all.

So when most people consider taking meds, they are mainly concerned with the minor side effects, well if I ever have to consider meds I have to consider the side effects and my life. In defense of the presenter last night, while she did answer with “I dont know” she did say she would get back to me on it and I have full confidence that she will, however knowing first hand how busy people get and also knowing first hand how my medical care has gone through the 22 months of homelessness and now my HIV care, I know I must do the homework myself and like Ma use to say “know it for yourself”

The awesome things about last night was the fact that I had the pleasure of chilling out with someone who is very quickly becoming someone I know I can trust and turn to for advice and support. For me it has been awesome to have people like my awesome case manager Tiana as well as Brian the treatment aids educator. However the only positive BLACK men I have in my life are people I love, respect and consider my friends are people I have never met in person, but have been a huge source of inspiration and information for me, they are TRAV and Justin B Smith both awesome brothas I met through my youtube channel. However now I have someone like Morris in my life and in just a few conversations has has provided a much needed piece to the HIV puzzle that is missing for me. In person support and conversation from someone who is BLACK and has been dealing and living with HIV since the late 80’s. I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

The other reason was a real surprise but so refreshing and very uplifting for me as a Christian and that was the guest speaker who touched on his faith and his family and how they have been such a vital part of his life and his HIV. Since I’ve been HIV positive the presenter is the first gay man in my life that I have heard embrace family and his faith and for me this was very powerful. It gives me reason to want to listen to him and hear what he has to say because I can relate to his love of family and his faith.

When he spoke of his niece and the prayer she said that changed his life I had to fight back tears. He was someone I never met, had only spoken to because I was at his table and Morris introduced us, sharing something that was so personal, so touching and so moving and very much part of my life. I didnt share this with him, but my niece who I have blogged about before is now part of my life and recently I told her about homelessness and HIV and she just showed me so much love and support. When she was a small child I would always spend so much time with her and once I graduated college and left for New York she and I remained very close. Her son is so dear to me and I am the God Father of her second child, so hearing this man expose his soul and love for his family and his faith really touched me.

I have heard in support groups and from other gay men expressing a clear disregard and outrage for family and for God. Many times I have had gay men stop speaking to me because of my faith in God, in fact one gay banned me from his network and removed me from his friends list on facebook because of my faith. I’ve heard in group where gay men discourage others from telling their families about HIV even when the person expresses that they are very close and want to tell their families about HIV. For me this has been one of the many problems I have with always attending HIV support groups on a regular basis.

In all my night was great. I was still smiling, just like I am now from having the huge honor of being part of the HIV MATTERS forum that was held by AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES, so to be able to attend the dinner last night where I met the awesome presenter who touched my life, my heart and my soul with his presentation and getting the chance to hang out with Morris as well as get some information and gain a better understanding and grasp of HIV care and meds.

Today I woke up rather earlier because I have so much to get done in order to get my ducks in a row to be considered for my own apartment, but already I am far behind because paperwork is now slowed down by my clinic and DPSS. However even with this new challenge in front of me and being faced with the fact that I could very well miss out on getting my own place not because I havent done all that I can, but because there are too many people, places and things that must all have the same care and regard for me as a HUMAN that just isnt possible when dealing with people, places and things that clearly dont give a damn. However I will continue to trust God and know that at the end of the day God will always make a way out of no way for me, just like he always has.

Without my faith I would have given up so long ago and when I looked away from my faith and looked to the left, things became too much for me and I tired to kill myself. However God showed up and said “not so, you are not done and you dont get to make this choice” Since then I have not looked away from my faith, nor have I questioned it. I know what I’ve been through in my life, not just the 22 months of homeless or the now over a year being HIV positive, but far more and I see where I once was and where I am now, all that I have walked away from, car crashes where the car is demolished but I walk away without a scar, fist fights that should have killed me, but yet I am still here, there is no way I can count this up to luck, it is the hand of God on me and his favor in my life.

I am trusting God fully that I will never have to start HIV meds, however if the time comes where I do, my faith in God will remain and I know he will provide the proper doctor the proper meds and the proper standard of care that is right for me. I am trusting God and allowing him to lead me.

My faith and belief in God and his son Christ says that I cant go half the way, I must go all the way, so as for me and my house. I will serve the Lord and go with Jesus ALL THE WAY. No one can stop me and no one can turn me around, because you dont know like I know what God has done for me.

Paul your testimony was very powerful for me and I am so glad I had the chance to hear it. I dont believe that anything is by chance, but part of the plan and purpose God has for each of us and our life. I want to express my thanks and appreciation for you and you are. I pray the blessings of God on you, your family and your man. You were very inspiring and truly uplifting. it was an honor to be able to hear you speak. THANK YOU.

Please and blessings everyone

Homeless and HIV, the Road to ME

• Posted by Kengi on May 19, 2009 at 10:44pm

It seems like yesterday when the doctor yelled “Mr. Carr you are HIV positive” into my room while she was standing at the door. I was in a room with at least 5 other people. The guy next to me started saying how he didnt want to be in the room with someone with AIDS. He kept repeating it over and over until I got up and threatened to kick his ass. My cell phone was dead and I didnt have any numbers in my head. I was weak from what was then the 8th Staph Infection, but this one was far worse then the ones prior. It was alos on the small of my back, right where the edge of my backpack rubbed.

The night before I was taken to the room and left holding onto the window seal before I fell down and hit my head on the cold hard tile. No one even knew I was in the room. When someone finally came in they were more concerned with why I was in the room then trying to find out how I fell or if I was a patient. I remember them telling me I had to leave and I had no business there. The guys in the room told them that a nurse from the E.R. left me standing there. They also told me I was on the floor for a very long time before anyone came in. The hospital acted like it never happened. Since I was homeless and had been treated in this manner before by another hospital with the name UCLA in the tittle I really wasnt surprised. I was homeless, with HIV and Black, so that is just like striking out at bat.

My stay at Harbor UCLA Medical Center was 11 days of hell. Three times I tried to leave and each time I was forced back to my room. The final time I made it to the front door before security forced me into a wheel chair and took me back upstairs. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I was so weak and most times I was unable to stand up, but the nurses did such lousy jobs coming to help me to the bathroom. A few times I went in my bed and no one ever answered the light to come help me, so I tried to get up on my own only to filp out of the bed and hit my head again.

Being HIV positive has not be easy for me at all, right down to getting support and services for it. If you think services for people with HIV and AIDS is bad, then consider soemone who is homeless and Black and it can be downright deadly. I dont for one second believe that HIV and AIDS are the #1 killers of blacks because of “stigma” and “education” although I will admit that it has a little to do with it, however I am a firm believer that the bigger and #1 reason why Blacks are being killed by HIV and AIDS is because of access to care and support.

Blacks access county or state care far greater then whites and we all know that country and state run programs are lousy at best. I’ve run into more problems with government crap that I fully understand why and how people fall out of care and even why dont ever start care to begin with. I am in no way saying this should be the answer, but I am saying that I understand. With the many problems I have had with accessing care I too have thought of just falling out of care and waiting until I have AIDS. sounds sad I know, but when you have walked for two minutes in my shoes then you will understand what I am talking about.

So when I talk with Blacks and Latinos about HIV and AIDS I am not shocked nor am I surprised at the answers I hear as to why they dont seek care or why they no longer seek care. However I just try to listen and then be the example for them. I explain to the all things i have been through and how hard being HIV positive has been for me. I am honest with them and I tell them all the shit that I have thought of doing. Even killing myself and once I tried to do just that. Once I get them to see that I too know what it is like to go through some the same crap they are, they in turn feel comfortable talking with me and opening up. Just like when I tell homeless people that I use to eat from trash cans and sleep in alleys because it was safer, they too open up and feel they can trust me.

I’ve said this before and I am sure I will say it again, because it is so true, homelessness has a way of stripping you of all self worth, making you feel you have done things wrong and then you have friends who will help with this by saying shit like “it’s the law of attraction” or “what are you creating” WTF? so not only do have to attend this fucked up party where people bash you all the time, but your friends show up to help out with the bashing and they do it while smiling in your face.

Right after I cried after learning I was HIV positive I said to myself “get it together and pull yourself through this” I knew right away that just like in homelessness, the only person I could depend on was ME and the only person besides God who would always be there was ME. So just like through the 22 months of homelessness I buckled down and did all I could to keep my head above water, even though I felt like I was drowning, I did the best I could not to break down and not to allow myself to feel like I was being defeated and I certainly never asked God why, nor did I blame him for what was taking place in my life. Instead I thanked him because I knew it was only there to make me stronger and it could be a huge blessing for someone else.

Dont get me wrong, I am not saying homelessness was easy and it certainly hasn’t been easy being HIV positive either. There have been plenty of setbacks and tons of times where I find myself balling like some little kid who just got his butt whipped and there are all the fist fights I had, once of which I never even blogged because I simply wanted to forget it. Not because I was beaten up very bad, but because someone could hate me that much, but mostly because of the way I was treated by the police and the people in the E.R. when they found out I was gay and HIV positive.

I knew going into the fight that I wasn’t going to simply walk away from it, but I also knew I wasn’t about to allow them to just beat me down without a fight. That would have been a huge mistake on my part and might very well have cost me my life. I did great against the first guy and even held my own again two of them, but the third, fourth and fifth guys I was no match for. All I could hear was my brother Mark telling me to swing, but after the first fist to my nose I knew I was in trouble. The next fist hit my left eye,then my nose again and then my other eye, I knew then I was in trouble and with all the people around no one even bothered to help me.

The first came from every direction and it wasn’t long before they didn’t have a feeling to them anymore, but I could here what they called me. “punk bitch” “fagot ass nigga” the last words I heard after my head hit the pavement was “put this in your mouth” and wham he kicked my right in my mouth. I could feel the blood come out right away. I don’t know how long I was on the ground, nor do I know who called for the paramedic. I don’t even remember being placed into the paramedic. I do recall holding on tight to my backpack that had my laptop and digital camera in it as well as all my medical papers. I spent 6 days in the hospital after that beating, not for something I had done, but for being gay

I had already been to APLA to try to get a case manager and I was told someone would call me back the following week. That never happened, so about two days after leaving the hospital with no place to turn I went back to APLA and I cried and begged to see someone. I sat in their lobby for about 20 minutes and no one came to talk with me. The guy at the desk didnt even bother to ask me if I was ok, if I needed something for my face or if I needed some medical attention. When I walked up and begged to see someone again he told me I had to wait. I turned and walked out.

What had I done to deserve this treatment, who had I pissed off, who did I need to tell I was sorry to in oder to make all this new hurt and pain go away. I walked down Kingsley toward Wilshire, crying every step of the way, getting more upset and deeper into the darkness that was overtaking me. This is when I said out loud “you need to help me right now. I need you right now God. Right now, do you hear me?” When I got the to corner I turned and saw something that has been there all the time, but I never really paid much attention to it. It is a Roman Catholic Church and the doors were open. I turned and walked up the steps and went inside.

I tried to get my composure so I didnt scare anyone, but as soon as I sat on the pew I began to cry very hard again. I took my backpack off and my two jackets I got on my knees and looked toward the cross and begged for God to show up. I told God I was lost and needed him to direct me, I begged him to come be with me. Someone came over, not sure who it was, but I think it was a priest because he said “Can I talk to God for you son” I told him “Go away. God hears me just fine. You dont have any more connection then I do to God. I came in here to talk to him myself, now get out of my conversation.” I didnt even bother to look at him and I was back to begging God to be with me to calm me and give me some rest. I told him I was tired and I needed him right now, not later. I dont recall how long I sat there, but I do know that my soul got lighter while I was in there and the tears stopped flowing as much. I felt like things were going to be ok. I sat for a little while longer and then I got up.

Right as I walked out the door my cell phone rang and it was my friend Christina. She asked where I was and I told her. She asked if I was ok and I said no. She told me to come over. I was able to stay with her for 6 days. I had been walking for so long my feet had blisters and were bleeding. I hadnt eaten in a few days and I was so weak. My clothes were filthy and I was beyond funky. Once I got to her place just south of Downtown LA and East of USC she greeted me with hug and a kiss. I took a long hot shower and she washed my clothes. I must have slept for 4 days while I was there. She would check on me and make sure I had plenty of juice and even went shopping to make sure I would eat while I was with her. She had roommates that didnt like me and they were out of town, so I

was able to stay until they came home.

Today things are much better, thanks to my friends Tina and Andrew I am no longer homeless. In fact Tina threw my 40th birthday party, When I tried to kill myself they came to get me from the hospital, they told me to just relax and allow myself time to heal. We don’t always see eye to eye, but at the end of the day I know they love me and care a great deal for me. Since moving in they have made certain I eat, take care of myself and feel like I am have a place that I can say is my home.

Just like with homelessness I made the choice not to make this all about me and to reach out and so as much as I could to raise awareness and ask people to help from their hearts and not their heads, it’s been over two years since I started this organization and it is growing. With HIV I took the very same approach, not to make this about me, but about those who are suffering just like me, without a voice, without being considered. I did my first outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS in Long Beach and the bags and bags of clothes and food that were donated to help men living with HIV and AIDS simply sat in the damp garage until mildew got into the bags and they were no longer able to be used by anyone. Cleaning supplies for the house and even large 150 load boxes of tide were gone in less then a weeks time and none of the men, not even myself ever got a chance to use it.

April 3, 2009 marked one year of living with HIV and it was more then just the fact that I was still here with HIV, but I didnt give up, not just on me but on all the men and women I now know with HIV and AIDS, all the people I know who battle HIV and AIDS on the streets with no health care and no help from any community. So I launched a new outreach to try to do all I can to help those who are seen but not heard.

Not long ago I reached out to Brian Risley, someone I have come to trust and love as my friend and brother, he is the AIDS Treatment Educator at APLA, I told him I had a desire to speak and be a better role model and voice for people with HIV and AIDS and right away he has done all he can to make things happen. When he asked me if I would be interested in speaking for HIV Matters I was so shocked, because it was one a huge honor and for me it meant that he has been listening to me, even though I already knew he had been for sometime, there was just something about hearing him ask me and seeing the words come from his lips. I was so humbled and right away I didnt want to let him down.

Last week I spoke and from what I am told it was very good, in fact many people from Project KengiKat, youtube and facebook aslo commented and said the speech was good. I was the last speaker on a panel of experts on their fields of HIV and AIDS it was very humbling to be sitting on this panel, because through homelessness I was told that my thinking was backwards, skid row was my only option and that I was stupid I was even told that the choice I made to care for my Pops until he passed was also a bad decision, but that night not only showed me that I have always made awesome choices, but I am willing to take the heat for the choices I make and stand by them no matter who says they are wrong or what it costs me in the end and my choice to speak out against abuse from people and organizations have cost me a great deal, but in the end it has been all worth it, because now I see where even small things have changed in places where I use to seek services from when I was homeless and for me that is well worth it

However with HIV and AIDS there is a greater challenge before me and this is to break down all the walls, barriers and stigma and all else that stand in the way of people getting access to care and I am not talking about the people who need the care, I am talking about the people who provide care and care services. The biggest barriers to my care have come from the agency who claim to be helping, government red tape that only does more harm and cause more death then good and longer life.

Over the weekend my buddy Dab Garner asked my if I would be interested in speaking about my experience and I said yes. He later asked me to be an Ambassador of Hope for his Dab the AIDS Bear Project, Robert from the POZ I AM network wants me to be on his show and I will make my debut there on July 1. I am also going to speak next week at a local church here in Los Angeles and I have found a summer camp for kids affected and infected by or with HIV and AIDS that I am hoping to be a camp counselor and mentor for.

Friday May 29th will launch the monthly outreach to to people living with HIV and AIDS at the HIV Clinic where I get my HIV care. I will be providing a meal as well as gently used closed and Life Kits the last Friday of every month. For me this is such a honor because I know first hand what without basic health care and hygiene need while dealing with homelessness and HIV. So it is with great honor and humility that I will try to do all i can to serve people who have far less and “be of service” to them.

You never know what road life will take you down and you never know how God will use you to be of service to someone in need. I am so glad to be of service and do all i can to help those in need, because at the end of the day it isnt all about me.

When the Pain is Greater then Me

• Posted by Kengi on May 21, 2009 at 1:11pm

There are times when the pain of Sickle Cell is too much for even me, there are times when all I can do is curl up in a ball on the floor and cry because the pain is just so great. There are times when the basic task of simply breathing because very painful, so painful that I would rather not breathe at all, later yesterday evening was the start of of a Sickle Cell Crisis for me and it was more painful then they’ve been a very long time, thankfully I am recovering pretty well and I am now just suffering through a major allergy attack.

As a kid I was lucky if I had one good day a week, most times I was in so much pain I was always in bed or worse in the hospital. I did everything later then most kids my age because of the Sickle Cell. I was cut from athletic teams like baseball because I didnt make it to enough of the practices and football because I couldnt gain enough weight to be on the team. I also teased a great deal as a kid in school because I would some time get sick and have to either be taken home and much worse taken to the hospital by paramedic, Kids can be very cruel, so at a very young age I learned I how to make them pay for being mean to me by beating them up.

Sickle Cell didnt bother too much in high school or in college, but when it did I would miss a great deal of school. In 11th grade I was absent for nearly two months, but because i refused to be held back only to have to be called things like “stupid freak” I made certain I kept up with all class work and never fell behind. My third year in college I started gaining weight, what was once so hard to do had become very easy. All my life I’ve had this huge appetite so when the weight gain came I had to hit the gym more.

However Cancer came at 21 and after going through all the weight loss and looking like a skeleton with skin, I forced myself to eat in order to keep what little weight I had on me. People tend to treat you with kid gloves when they know you are sick and for me that makes me feel far worse, so with my Sickle Cell, I learned how to mask my pain and even smile right through it. However my parents always knew and so did my close friends.

Today my parents are no longer here and my close friends that I use to have arent really friends at all anymore, just people I know and speak to from time to time. About the only person who can tell when I am in pain or dealing with Sickle Cell more then normal is my ex boyfriend of 15 years. Funny how he was the very first person at my bedside after I found out about being HIV positive and besides my faith he has been the only constant in my life, Please dont get me wrong, there are some awesome people in my life, however they arent all my friends and most dont even notice when my blog goes silent or my youtube channel doesnt have a new video, just like they never noticed when I feel the way I do today.

In a way this is cool for me because I dont have all these people fussing over me and worrying me about things, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have people in my life who notice when I am in pain and I not have to say or word or look the way I do today. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be in love like I was with my ex and if someone will ever look past the outside and see the inside of me.

I had a few plans today and most of them involved doing things for myself and the rest of the time I was going to spend on my website and outreach for people with HIV and AIDS, but so far I have spent the better part of my day in pain and unable to move. It’s now 12:45 and although I am not in as much pain anymore I am still very tired and weak from having gone through the crisis, plus now my allergies are acting up and my skin feels like there are millions of ants crawling under it

Yeah, there are days when the Sickle Cell really gets the best of me and all I can do is cry and do my best to endure the pain and not let it get me too far down and last night and today is very much one of those times. I dont like feeling like this and I dont like feeling like I cant take care of myself, the thought of not having my parents around to care for em if I get too sick and after the living nightmare of homelessness I must say that there are also times when I worry about getting too sick to even do anything for myself and the thought of being sick from HIV is a whole nightmare altogether. People have said not to worry about it, but they havent seen what I’ve seen, they have people to turn to, they have insurance to rely on.

I if I had just a penny for each time someone has said “you will never be homeless again.” or “Kengi we will get through this together” only to look up right when i need them the most and they are running for the hills not even turning around to say “C ya sucka” so you can see how someone like me doesnt pay a great deal of attention to word the fall from the lips of people because things are said in the moment and were only meant for that moment and not meant as a rain check for a later time. In many cases they are simply said, but the hope is that I never take them up on it.

Ma use to tell me always to depend on myself and not to place too much into what people say they will do because I will only be let down, so I have learned to depend on me, because I never let me down, I never over commit to myself and the other thing I have learned to depend on, especially through homelessness was my Faith in God and not man.

I know I am truly blessed by the many wonderful and truly kind people that are in my life and I am so thankful for them and all their love and care, but there are times, like right now where it would be so nice to have someone hold me and try to calm my soul down. Through my outreaches I try very hard to restore positive touch to people where this is lacking or absent because I know first hand what it is like to go through something alone right in front of so many people.

I dont like the days where the pain is greater then me, where it causes me to be sad and feel the sting of fear. keep me in your prayers to God.

BEING OF SERVICE to people with HIV and AIDS

• Posted by Kengi on May 22, 2009 at 6:36am

As many of you know my organization kicked off its new outreach to “be of service” to people living with HIV and AIDS right here in Los Angeles on April 3, 2009 with two very successful events. The yearly event, Kengi’s Get Tested Party which saw over 20 people get tested for HIV. This event will serve as the yearly push to encourage, remind and empower people to get tested, get into treatment and to LIVE.

Also on April 3, 2009 Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life, outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS kicked off as well with “Life Kits” that were delivered to my case manager at AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES. So far the outreach has provided over 100 Life Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES as well as individuals who live homeless with HIV and AIDS. The outreach has also provided gently used clothes to Common Grounds in Santa Monica.

The significance of April 3, 2009 is this, “Mr. Carr you are HIV positive” April 3, 2008 at 8:32AM, Harbor UCLA Medical Center. Since my diagnoses I have tried hard to find ways to support people living with HIV and AIDS. August 2008 was the first outreach to men living with HIV and AIDS in Long Beach.

Today I happy to announce that the last Friday of every month the Unpluggin HIV outreach will provide meals, gently used clothes and Life Kits to men and women lving with HIV and AIDS as well as battling through the hardships of poverty and homelessness and the HIV care clinic where I receive my HIV care.

May 29, 2009 at 10:30AM Unpluggin HIV will kick into gear with operation “Unphazed” to be of service to men and women with HIV and AIDS and will continue the last Friday of every month at 5p21, LAC-USC’s Rand Schrader HIV Clinic.

In order for this monthly outreach to be a complete success, I am asking all of my friends, supporters and fellow community leaders to find it in their hearts to help provide gently used clothing for men and women as well as items for the Life Kits. If you would like to be involved with helping to provide a meal this is also greatly appreciated and so welcome. You can also volunteer to help set up and serve for the event as well.

Please support my efforts to “be of service” to men and women living with HIV and AIDS. For information on Life Kits please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org and click on the Unpluggin HIV tab. You may also contact me directly either by email kengi@dosomethingsaturday.org or by cell phone 310-593-3430.

For me, this is such a major honor and very humbling to be able to provide this to the clinic where I get care, because while there have been problems there, the clinic was a place I could go to to get a healthy safe meal while I was homeless. The lab staff, ex-ray tech, ladies at the front dest, my former nurse Charles, the ladies in the financial department, Carla, Greg and my awesome doctor are outstanding and have been a huge amount of information and support not just with HIV, but when I was homeless.

When my Ma passed Charles sat in the lobby with me while I balled after a friend told me it was her birthday and she could not place her life on hold for me. Charles sat with me unil Brian Risely from APLA came to pick me up, so I know first hand of the awesome service that is there at 5p21 and it is with great honor and humility that I will use my Unpluggin HIV outreach to serve people who are infected and affected by HIV and AIDS as well as poverty and homelessness.

This outreach will require that I work harder to find ways to do this monthly outreach, it will mean longer days and shorter nights, it will require dedication and faith in my abilities to create and grown the outreach monthly as well as stay on top of the already respected, loved, embraced and very successful Do Something Saturday outreach to people who are homeless, low income, seniors and children that suffer through poverty, low income and homelessness.

It will require better planning, better time management, seeking out volunteers who are just as committed as I am to the mission to help those in need. It will require a lot of hard work and plenty of prayer on my part, but after 22 months of homelessness and all the discrimination, disrespect, abuse, hurt and shame as well as all the anti gay and homophobic behaviors of so called friends, agencies and individuals, I know that I am more then ready and far more prepared for the task ahead of me.

I am proud of the organization I have created, I am proud of the work I do, I am proud of the people who volunteer and donate to help in any way, I am also proud of the people I serve. For me the term “be of service” isnt something I learned on the playa at Burning Man, it isnt something I let fall from my lips to impress people either, it is however the root of all my parents taught me, it represent not just the will and desire to do it, but the hard work, actions, sleepless nights and many tears shed in order to make things better not for myself, but for others no matter how rough the road or how high the mountain in my own life.

Being of Service requires far more then simply saying it, it requires doing it, all day everyday no matter what it taking place in your own life. Being of service requires a FAITH in your own ability to create and inspire without things like money, cars, fancy friends and fancy clothes, it requires a heart that beats, not for yourself but for others. It requires patients, unconditional love and support, not for self, but for others. It requires sacrifice, lost sleep, hurt, pain and even walking the road alone, against all odds, against all what people will say and do. Being of Service means to give of yourself to others, not just in times of good and plenty, but far more in times of hardships and limited funds or resources.

May 29, 2009 at 10:30AM Unpluggin HIV will BE OF SERVICE to people living with HIV and AIDS and I am proud of this and so looking forward helping those who are in need, without excuse, without judgment, without disrespect, without shame or fear, but with plenty of love, humility, compassion and selflessness.

I’ve given up on “fancy” and I am so in love, my life is enriched, empowered, successful and has meaning and purpose beyond measure, because I am no longer living a life for “fancy” but a life of purpose and a life to BE OF SERVICE, not to community, but to humanity.

February 3, 2007 my life reached a major fork in the road and this time my “fancy” cars, “fancy” clothes, “fancy” bank accounts and all my “fancy” friends were gone. I had to make a choice to either restore all the “fancy” by only thinking of myself, or I could rise up and be the man my parents raised me to be, the man God created me to be, then man I am today, brave, sexy, loved, respected by those who matter, caring for those who have less. I have always loved who I am and have always been very proud of myself, however now I am IN LOVE with who I am, IN LOVE with what I have created, IN LOVE with humanity and IN LOVE with BEING OF SERVICE

Nothing succeeds like success and success comes from GOD, not from all the “fancy”

MY LIFE ROCKS and I AM IN LOVE WITH IT

Nameste……..BITCHES!!!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on May 24, 2009 at 9:24am

It’s been said to me many times in my life and many times I have not missed the person who has said it and I am sure I wont miss the people who are saying it now. I think it was my friend TRAV who made a video and I believe it was called “seasons change” In the video he talked about things that have no place in your life. He said it’s time for “spring cleaning” time to throw away things that no longer serve a purpose or people, places and things that hold us back.

I’ve been pretty blessed in this area of my life. I havent had to ask many people to leave, they leave on their own. For me this sends a clear message that my parents made me aware a long time ago and that is someone who says they are for you and will stand with you, will do so through the thick and thin. Through all the good and bad, ups and downs, mountains and valleys. They will stand with you in times of hardship, pain and suffering and they will be right there through every celebration and victory. People who are truly for you will always be for you and never try to impose themselves on to your path.

Throughout my life I learned this lesson, people come and people go, but the ones who are there for the right reasons will always be there, even when you don’t see them for a while or even speak to them for a while. They will never make promises they can never deliver and they will celebrate at growth in your life. I am so blessed to have people that have been in my life for as long as I can remember, people like Karen Ball, Adrian, Deana and Tasha Randle, Jatuan Valentine and her sister Jackie. They are people who embrace and love me for who I am. They didn’t get mad when I didn’t tell them about being homeless, they didn’t turn and walk away either. Not once have they said I cant support you because you are gay and have HIV. Not once have they said I can help or look what I have done for you. Not once have they made commitments and then backed out on them.

Through homelessness I saw people walk away and turn their backs on me, not because I had done anything wrong, but because I refused to let them mold and shape me into what they wanted me to be. I refused to allow them to be my road guide instead of my faith in God. I refused to allow them to offer things that I never asked them for, but then try to hang me with them once they got upset and angry. As the song says “I never meant to cause you pain, but it was there before I came” so please don’t put that monkey on my back, certainly not that I cant carry it, because I can and I can do it damn well, but I don’t have to carry things that belong to you.

When I became HIV positive I saw many people once again turn and walk away and say things like “I never knew you were gay” or “HIV is Gods way of telling me that you cant be in life” I am not sure what God has told anyone such gibberish, but it isn’t the God I know, love and serve, so I would warm anyone who comes with messages like this to make certain that they so called god supplying them with such outlandish messages is the only real and true God who is all love all the time.

As homelessness came to a close I had people step back into my life who had read or head through the grapevine that I was homeless. These were people I really never knew well, I cant even say that they were ever friends to begin with. We simply went to the same school and knew some of the same people, so I guess they considered me a friend by default, however friendship for me requires far more then knowing my name. See my friends knew about my Sickle Cell and they knew my Ma and Pops, they came over to hang out with me and I went to hang out with them. So it really didnt surprise me one little bit that these “friends” would make jokes about me being homeless, gay and even being HIV positive. It also didn’t surprise me that these same “friends” would go out of there way to talk about me, my organization and even go run and tell lies to other people about me in an effort to cause other “friends” to stop speaking to me. Well we havent spoken since high school and in many ways we didnt even speak then, so why should I think you would be any different towards me now?

“I contacted people and asked them to help you, because you needed some help.” is what one “friend” said to me. “Your are still the same Louis you were in high, stuck up, snobbish and persnickety.” KICK ROCKS.

Since I started my HIV outreach I have had people tell me that I am changing, that my message is no longer the same, my heart is no longer in the same place it was when they came to “love” and “respect” me. “Please remove me as your friend because I feel that…………” or “the reason I no longer support you is because your passion for what you’ve created is gone and your heart has changed.” People have even went so far as to say that “god has given you HIV as a punishment for being homeless.” LOL, what the hell kind of god does some bullshit like this?

Then there are those “Landmark Forum” people who say things like “what are you creating” while I am battling Staph Infections and even when have said “you created HIV” Not long ago another “Landmark Forum” person tells me “your life can be so much more and all this chaos in your life can be so different if you only take this course.” Well their life isnt exacally what I or anyone else would call a bed of fresh roses. Hell it isnt even a bed of rotten rose water for that matter, so why the would I take some course that teaches me to be like them? Keep your damn course and all the judgment, shame, guilt and debt that comes along with it. Sounds too much like being Catholic if ya ask me.

My heart and my message is the same and will remain the same. The only things that have changed is that I am no longer homeless on the streets, I am no longer crying into my camera after places like Harbor UCLA Medical Center refused to sign papers that would have helped to end my homelessness a very long time ago. I am no longer running to places like the Union Rescue Mission only to have my bed tickets not honored by staff there because they are having a bad day. I am no longer dealing with people, places and things that look down on me because I was once homeless, I am Black, I am gay and I am HIV positive, nor do I want people, places or things in my life, part of my organization, on my blog network, youtube channel or facebook page either. I dont want your friendships with a ton of conditions. I dont want your donated clothes that are filled with filth and smell of your contemp for huminty. Keep that crap for yourself, it fits you and who you are. Furthermore your “friendships” come with a very high price that I have NEVER been willing to pay, so go offer it someone who wants the crap that you offer.

Some people are fine with me as long as they can feel they are better then me, as long as I do what they say and when they say it. They are fine with me as long as I dont tell them things that offend me or go against what I feel is right. People are fine with me as long as I am suffering. But let me take one step out of that hurt, pain and suffering and then my heart is in the wrong place. Let me raise my voice in protest and the people who dont see color will quickly call me a nigger, people who embrace diversity will quickly call me a faggot, people who are all love and light, namaste, 93, and all that crap will soon be gossiping about me when they claim not to gossip at all.

Some people are fine with me as long as I dont move forward. They will embrace me as long as I do what they say and be who they want and shout out messages that they want to hear.

Nana called these people “fancy” and she said “fancy people with fancy pants, doing a bunch of fancy things in fancy clothes, driving fancy cars, living in fancy homes, going to fancy parties with other fancy people and dont do a fancy thing for no one other then themselves should never have any place in you life little boy” I happy and proud that they never have and they never will.

If my growth offends you, then kick rocks. If my success makes you tremble, then kicks rocks, if my smile through hardships, many nights of tears and fist fights makes you uneasy, then kick rocks, if my heart doesnt beat the way you want it to, then kick rocks, if my thinking, living and being isnt colorless enough for you, then kick rocks, If my being gay and HIV positive offends you, then kick rocks.

Maybe it’s not me that causes you concern, but the person YOU are that needs to adjust, grow, mature and move into something that is far greater then you and all your “fancy” crap. Maybe it is YOU who needs to walk away from yourself and find something that has value, meaning and purpose.

YOU are the one who has their heart in the wrong place. YOU are the one cashing after things you clearly cant handle or manage. YOU are the one turning to things that will never fulfill your life. YOU are the one pointing out all the wrong in me and my work instead of taking a close look at YOURSELF.

Consider this, how many other people have YOU walked away from. How many other situations have YOU found yourself saying “I dont like this” or “this isnt right for me” Ask yourself this. Who was it done for? Why did you go? Why did you reach out? Why did you give? Why did you participate? If It wasn’t about YOU, then why are YOU so hurt? Your heart was in the wrong place. It was YOU. Not Kengi, not my heart, not my organization, not the work I do. It was YOU. So dont project your crap onto me. It is not welcomed and I wont take or stand for it. SO KICK ROCKS.

Letting go just a bit more

• Posted by Kengi on May 27, 2009 at 9:00am

This past weekend was pretty special for me for a number of reasons that all were very cool. The first being that I was able to do the outreach to homeless people down Chess Park at Santa Monica State Beach and while I was there with Niambi we were able to talk with Jerry who is a homeless man with this huge talent for drawing.

When I first saw the art I wanted to try to find a way to support him as best I could. I thought about simply doing a profile for him on my blog. I would take some pictures of him and his artwork and then post it to my blog as well as facebook and see it people took an interest in him. But then I had the idea of getting him share his story and his art in an interview. I thought that if he told his own story and people had the chance to relate to or hear from him this would in turn cause a connection.

Well I was very right, just like before when I offered people to share their own experience people paid close attention and this is about to produce some outstanding blessing for this man and his artwork. Already people from my youtube channel and from Project KengiKat have asked about his art and it they can purchase it. Although I wont see him until Saturday to take him the cell phone I have for him, I will also be telling him that someone is willing to pay $100.00 for the art he did of the Jazz player.

I think this will just make his day, plus that fact that he might even be able to sell more of his art as well. I cant wait to see him.

Saturday night I went to bed a bit let down and discouraged because someone had backed out of the Unpluggin HIV outreach that is scheduled for this Friday at the HIV clinic where I get my care. However when I got up Sunday morning I decided not to let it get to me and to make certain of this I took the entire day for myself.

I really didnt have any place to go or plans for what I was going to do. I just knew I needed to take some time for me to help me clear my space and relax. Seems like I send so much time doing for others that I get so drained sometimes and I need to take a step back and “recharge” myself so they I am able to keep moving forward with my community work. Plus I have been getting hot pretty hard with lots of negative comments and energy from other people. As much as I like to think this doesnt bother me, too muhc of it does bother me. Last week seem to be so much.

So I got up, got dressed and headed out the door with both cameras in hand to spend the day doing something fun for myself. Like I said I am so glad I did.

I was going to ride my bike, but at the last minute I decided to head to Downtown LA and take in some of the awesome sights down there. Plus I was hopping that the new extension of the Gold Line was up and running, but it isnt so I I just made the best of it.

I did however ride the Gold line toward Pasadena and got off at the very first stop which is China Town. LA’s China Town is a bit dull when you compare it to places like San Francisco, but our China Town is rich in culture and history that is unlike any other placce. Hey this can be said for the entire Los Angeles County for that matter.

I was abble to get some pretty cool picture of this old flour company that is no longer there, but the building still stands and is used for film sets. Los Angeles is filled with such builds which makes her one of the best, if not the best place for films.

I love out Gold line trains, they are sleek and sexy and they are silver which gives this this very cool look, plus they ride smooth and are very clean in the inside, unlike the older Blue line trains that run between Downtown LA’s 7th and Metro Center and Downtown Long Beach. The Blue line marked the return of the light rail to Los Angeles and is a great way to travel between Downtown LA and Long Beach or wrong beach as many people like to call it.

After my very quick visit to China Town I made my way back to the Gold line to head back to Union Station, METRO has done a great job revamping the East Portal side of the station that is now complete with a waterfall that start outside and goes just a few steps inside the East lobby where you will find a huge fish aquarium, the METRO and METROLINK ticket offices, gift stands and an entrance to the METRO Red and Purple lines train which from Downtown LA to Wilshire and Western (Purple line) and from Downtown LA to North Hollywood (Red line) The Purple line will eventually reach the Santa Monica Bay with it’s final stop in beautiful Downtown Santa Monica. There will be another line, currently under construction that will connect Downtown LA to Venice Beach. Once all trains are fully up and running LA will once again have a light rail as well as a subway system that can really serve the people of this massive metropolis.

Just outside of Union Station there is a small little village of sorts called Olvera Street. It’s a very cool, small little Mexican village. Olvera Street is one of the City’s and County’s many cultural and historic landmarks. As a kid I recall my visits there with the Santa Monica~Malibu Unified School District as well as with my family.

On Olvera Street you will find all things Mexican. From awesome authentic food and drink to cute little gifts and gadgets that reflect that rich and vibrant culture of Mexico. Each time I visit Olvera Street I discover something new that I have never tried before and on this visit I tried two amazing cookies that were only $1.00 each. Much better and far less then that old hag Mrs. Fields.

I then walked back over to Union Station to make my way back home. Union Station is such an awesome building. It is considered one of the two “gateway centers” for Los Angeles. The other being LAX. The floors inside Union Station shine all the time. It’s almost like little invisible “shiners” are at work all the time making certain that this awesome place sparkles.

I love the huge arm chairs inside this station. I recall as a kid when we use to travel by train on out trips to New York and San Francisco how very large the chairs seemed to me. They also reminded me very much of the huge leather chairs both my Pops and Grandpa had that I loved to plop down in.

As a kid the area that is now closed to the general public and reserved for filming only was the area where you purchased your tickets for the train, this was when traveling by train was sexy and luxurious but now it has been replaced with a ticket booth behind cold bullet proof glass with cold and rude workers who could gave a rat fat ass about you or your trip. However the old world charm of the entire building remains in tact from the old arm chairs to the huge speakers that announce the trains that are ready to board and arriving.

As I made my way through the station headed back toward the Red line to go home, I sat for a minute and took it all in. I thought of my parents and how we use to sit and have something to eat at the cafe there in the station, how I use to fall asleep on my Pops lap and then jump into Ma’s when he would get tired of me kicking him while I slept. I would take my shoes and socks off and ask my Ma “will you hold my feet” I never knew where that came from, but even as a teenager I would ask Ma to hold me feet. When I was first diagnosed with cancer at at 21 I went over to my parents house and before I told them what was wrong I asked Ma to hold my feet. I recall laying on the sofa my head on Pops lap and my feet in Ma’s hands and I told them about the cancer.
I recall looking up at my Pops just like I always did and seeing him looking down at me with the look in his eyes that he always seemed to get when I was about to go through something. It was the look of concern and the look of reassurance that he would be right there with me every step of the way.

Ma was hold my feet so tight and I began to break down and cry, just like the way I use to as a kid when I would have to go to the hospital because of the Sickle Cell or when I was told I could no longer play sports because I couldn’t make the required weight. Pops and Ma were always right there with me to help me get through it.

While I sat thee in the chair I put my head down and I began to cry because I miss my heroes so much. Every singe time I reached out they were right there, they never failed me, never turned their backs on me, they never let me down. I miss them so much and I know it’s because of all they taught me, how they raised me, what they made me made me believe I am still here today.

I sat there for a while just crying and saying thanks to them both and telling them how much I miss them, how I wish just for a little while I could lay on Pops lap and Ma would hold me feet to let me know that I would be fine and I could get through what is now before me. I told them I needed to feel them close and needed to hear from them.

There are times, believe it or not when I feel so lost, so confused without them here to help guide and direct me. While I sat there I said to myself “ok” because I heard them telling me to stop crying and to get up and move forward and be proud of who I am and what I have created. I felt them pushing me telling me to go on and be the man they have raised me to be, to continue to be strong and secure in my beliefs and convections, to alsways know that they’ve always have been and always will be proud of me because in their eyes I can never do nothing to let them down

As I got up with tears falling down my face I walked away crying more because that was the very area where we use to wait for our trains and that’s when it hit me that I was walking to the train alone without my heroes, without my best friends, without the people that I have always lived my life for, without Pops holding my hand and Ma holding the other. Once again I was walking away and letting go of my parents and my soul was happy and sad at once.

I once told Ma as a kid “I wanna be a bum Mommy” she looked down at me and smiles and said very firmly “Don’t be just a bum baby. You be the best damn bum there is.” As I walked through the station I said to myself “I am the best damn bum there is”

Thanks for all the power and strength you’ve placed in me Ma and Pops. I love and miss you two so much and I cant wait to see my heroes, my best friends and the two awesome people who gave me my life once again in glory.

Always all my love,

Louis

P.S. will you hold me feet?

The night before my big day

• Posted by Kengi on May 29, 2009 at 12:32am

In just about 11 hours my Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life outreach will kick of it’s first monthly outreach to the Rand Schrader Health and Research Clinic at on the Health Science Campus of USC. The very place where I receive my HIV health care.

I was diagnosed HIV positive on April 3, 2008 at Harbor UCLA Medical Center in the most impersonal way “Mr. Carr you are HIV positive” was yelled from the doorway of the room marking the nightmare of HIV, the fight for health care and the battle to raise awareness for issues facing people who are low income and/or homeless with HIV and AIDS.

Saturday, August 16, 2008 was the first outreach geared specifically for men living with HIV and AIDS. With the support of my friends Ryan and Moina and the support from their donations and donations of their families and friends my organization was able to provide 15 Do Something Kits, laundry detergent, several bags of gently used clothes, shoes and backpacks, as well as a large box of food to Padua House in Long Beach California. Padua House is home that provides housing services to people living with HIV and AIDS.

The event was a huge success and was the start of my desire to be more support to men and woman who are low income and/or homeless that suffer through HIV and AIDS with little to no support for any community.

April 3, 2009 marked one year that I have been HIV positive and that year was a very hard year for me. I was already homeless and dealing with the hardships, disregard, disrespect, discrimination as well as guilt and shame of being homeless. Being HIV wasnt the the “blessing” I was told it would be, nor did it provide housing or anything else. It only made what was already very bad far worse. Not because I was sick or having a hard time being and know that I am HIV positive, but all the homophobic situations as well as people that come along with it.

April 3, 2009 also marked the creation of my new outreach Unplugging HIV~empowering a positive life and Kengi’s Get Tested Party which were huge successes and saw over 20 people get tested for HIV. I was also able to deliver 31 Life Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES to support people living with HIV and AIDS. In all over 200 Life Kits have been delivered to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES as well as people living in shelters, shelter plus care ad people living with HIV and AIDS on the streets of Los Angeles County.

In addition to the Life Kits I have also delivered several clothing donations to Common Ground in Santa Monica, California. Common Ground is the only comprehensive service provider in the Westside that provides amazing services to men and woman living with HIV and AIDS

Since the creation of the outreach it has been my desire to make certain I am doing all I can to supprt people who may be going through and dealing with the same things if not far worse then I was while I was on the streets. So I have done everything within my power to reach and to locate places that provide services for such people. I reached out to 21 different organizations in the Downtown Los Angeles area several times with no return phone calls or returned emails. I even contacted Council Woman Jan Perry’s office, the Mayor’s Office and once again my calls and emails went unreturned.

After delivering a Life Kit to someone who reads my blog and follows my youtube channel he made me aware of a place where I might want to reach out to in order to provide the outreach there, but after 7 emails and phone calls with no return I gave up.

However just like I never gave up on myself during homelessness and the fact that it took over 9 months to get my blood work done at the clinic where I will now be doing the outreach, I keep my head held up and continued to look for way to support people that need and deserve it.

A few weeks ago I asked my former nurse at the clinic about doing an outreach there and just like he always does, he got back to me right away and set things up for me to be able to do the outreach. Not only am I am able to do the outreach tomorrow (Friday, May 29, 2009) but the last Friday of every month Unpluggin HIV will do it’s very best, through support for my friends and supporters, to be of service to people living with HIV and AIDS by providing a meal through my Kick Start Meals program, gently used clothes and Life Kits

For me this is huge because I know first hand what it is like to be homeless with nothing. I know how it feels to have people tell you “no” simply because they want to be mean and nasty. I know what it is like not to be able to clean up, wash my face, brush my teeth or put on a clean pair of socks. I know this first hand. I also know what it is like to go to places that are supposed to be there to help me, even places that bear the “diversity” “community” and “rainbow” banner and get treated just as bad and in some cases far worse then how others treat a homeless gay person with HIV or AIDS.

The other reason this outreach is so important to me is the fact that I spent nearly one and a half months training for the AIDS LIFE CYCLE only to get no help with my fundraising efforts and far less support from the Gay and Lesbian Center with basic things and questions I had about the ride. Furhermore the fact that I could raise 2800 bucks and not be able to ride in the AIDS LIFE CYLCE really wasnt sitting well with me and nor was it setting well with my cancer team.

This outreach represent the ability to help someone RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, not raise money for things that I am already lacking and not getting support for. It represents that my efforts do count, my contributions dont have to be measure in how much money I can raise, but how much heart I have, how much love I have for humanity. It represent my ability to create and make change RIGHT NOW and now years from now. It represent acceptance of people where they are with what they have and doent shun or push aside people simply because they cant raise $3000 for an organization that doesnt care nor respect me in the first place. Furthermore my efforts werent even worth a phone call to ask why I had pulled out of the AIDS RIDE and didnt even warrant a “thank you” for what I was able to raise. Another clear sign that my efforts were not welcomed, not good enough and therefore did not count..

Tomorrow I will once again show and prove that I can do anything, I can create anything and it will be successful and it will help people RIGHT NOW. It will empower right now, it will serve people right now. Tomorrow I will serve a meal provide Life Kits and do my very best along with my volunteers to make sure we are supporting, loving and caring for those who need or care.

My day will start at 3:30AM to complete the remaining Life Kits and to start cooking for lunch. SO right now I better head off to bed

Again I Call You and Again You Answer…..THANK YOU!!!!

• Posted by Kengi on May 31, 2009 at 12:00pm

May was such a busy month for my organization. There were outreach nearly every day of the month with 23 outreaches total. For any organization to pull something like this off is no small feet. There is a ton of work involved and lots of human power and money required to do this. However this isn’t the case with my organization.

The human power behind my organization is primarily me. I am in no way saying that I act completely alone in my efforts to be of service to the people I serve, what I am saying is that I do not have daily human power in order to make things happen. I plan, organize and see each outreach through from start to finish and many of them I do completely alone. So for my organization, with very little human power, no budget and no staff to be able to have this many successful outreaches is a major feet.

I have said this plenty of times in the past and I know I will say it plenty more times, I am proud of the work I do, I am honored and proud and the people who come to help and volunteer side by side with me for nothing other then to be of service to people who are in need.

Furthermore with so much going on in my personal life to be able to carry out 23 outreaches and still stay on top of things like my health and housing issues and the constant attacks on my organization and my character, I am proud of myself to still be able to perform well for the people I serve without excuse, without reservation and without being upset or angry while I do it.

So many things I havent even blogged or vlogged have taken place, like the return of my Kick Start Meals and the Bicycle outreaches that kicked into high gear for the month of May and are are going strong. There were 15 meals served to about 200 people for the entire month. These meals were either prepared by me and came through such things are McDonald’s Gift Cards. The Bicycle outreach did a total of 19 outreach with the new Croozer Bike Trailer.

I was also asked to be an Ambassador of Hope for Dab Garners outreach to raise awareness and bring hope to people living with HIV and AIDS through his Dad the AIDS Bear Project.

Dab the AIDS Bear Project was formed in 2003 in response to Americans with HIV and AIDS being placed on ADAP waiting lists. In Sept. 2003, after several community members heard me advocating against the waiting lists, they contacted me to see if I was interested in starting an activist grassroots organization.

Our organization all does HIV/AIDS awareness, education and prevention at health fairs, conferences, conventions, high schools, colleges, churches and events. We offer the following community services:

* We train women and minorities how to go back into their own community and do outreach.

* Community HIV rapid testing.

* Operate the emergency food bank at Lutheran Social Services

* Sponsor and facilitate 5 HIV/AIDS support groups in the Jacksonville area. 2 for gay men, 2 for heterosexual minority or mixed women and 1 for heterosexual minority men.

* Comprehensive website, www.dabtheaidsbearproject.com, containing community, educational and inspirational information, services, iniatives and programs.

* Promotion of other HIV/AIDS organizations (NAPWA, NMAC, AAA, Southern AIDS Coalition, Living AIDS Quilt, community based groups like POZIAM, Project KengiKat and HIV Unplugged and events like The Denver Principles Project, I’m One in a Million, POZIAM Radio.

* Virtual AIDS Memorial – memorials to our friends who have lost their battle with AIDS. Opened to new additions in March 2009 on the fourth anniversary of our website. You can add a memorial for your loved one, no donation required but appreciated. Contact Daddy Dab at daddydab@dabtheaidsbearproject.com

* Sponsor Dining Out for Life, Intn’l Candlelight Memorial Day, World AIDS Week Jacksonville, Mother/Daughter Mother’s Day HIV Prevention Banquet, Jax Women’s Minority HIV Conference, Natl HIV Testing Day, Positive Living Conference, various AIDS Walks and Cycles and of course our Teddy Bear Touchdowns for children with HIV and AIDS.

* Ambassadors of Hope Program – where activists, community leaders, doctors, supporters, donors and celebrities travel with Dab the AIDS Bear to events, conferences, vacations, conventions and various other events. While sharingDab the AIDS Bear’s 30 year message of hope, our ambassadors take pictures of people holding Dab the AIDS Bear and locale shot to document his travels across the globe.

It is a huge honor, privilege and blessing for me to even be considered for such a title and position with such a well love and respected organization with such an inspirational, loved and respected man, Dab Garner.

My new youtube series called “Conversations with Kengi” kicked off this month as well with my first big interview with my friend TRAV, he is also a member of Project KengiKat and for me he is someone who is such a huge inspiration and an incredible role model and positive image for the Black community as well as for humanity. The interview is now up on my youtube channel as well as Project KengiKat.

Even with all of this, I was still able to find time to kick off my mothly outreach to people living with HIV and AIDS at the Rand Schrader Health and Research Clinic on the Health and Sciences Campus of USC Medical Center.

Since I was diagnosed HIV positive on April 3, 2008, it has been my desire to be a postiive image and role model for those who suffer from HIV and AIDS. I also had the desire to be a role model for the Black community where HIV and AIDS are pretty much destroying and taking lives daily at an alarming rate. In addition I wanted to raise awareness and provide some clear talk and clear, open and honest communication to people who are unaware of just how real, important and devastating HIV and AIDS are to everyone.

The outreach to the HIV Clinic where I get my care is a major accomplishment for me in so many ways. The first outreach to men living with HIV and AIDS was for Padua House through the Project New Hope organization that went very well, but clothes that were donated to the organization were left in a damp garage and not given to the men in which they were intended for. Moreover other donations were taken and passed out in other programs other then what they were designated for.

For someone who knows full well how donations sometimes never make it to the people they are intended to serve, this really made me upset and when I questioned this I was told that it was none of my business how the donations were used or where they were donated. The 15 Do Something Kits, now called Life Kits for the Unpluggin HIV outreach did go directly to the men in the house, but this was only because I made certain that I kept full control on the kits because I knew they would not make it to the men who they were prepared for. Since then I have not and will not support Project New Hope through any of my HIV outreaches unless I am able to give the items directly to the men who need them.

When I first had the idea to create an outreach specifcally for people living with HIV and AIDS and having it be a stand alone outreach instead of an outreach through the Do Something Saturday outreach right away it was met with opposition from every place I approached. Some organizations didnt even bother to return my emails, mailed letters and phone calls.

When the outreach launched as part of my one year anniversary of being HIV positive it did so with an outreach of Life Kits to AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES, Common Ground and people living homeless on the the streets as well as 10 friends who live in housing in the Downtown Los Angeles and Santa Monica areas.

This is when I reached out to my former nurse Charles and asked him how I could be of service to people with HIV and AIDS at the clinic and if he could help me get things going. Right away Charles sprang into action and made things work for me. He made all the arrangements and on Friday, May 29, 2009 Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life kicked into gear for the first time serving a Kick Start Meal and providing Life Kits to men and women battling HIV and AIDS.

Since we are talking about Charles let me just share a bit about him. He was my first nurse after I became a patient at the clinic and I have missed his care since he is no longer my nurse. Charles take the time with his patients and really provides excellent advice and support. It was Charles who explained my first set of labs with me and not the doctor that I first had. It was Charles who made certain I fully understood my labs, my first doctor didnt bother. She was cold and distant and never made eye contact. In my view she was rude and uncaring and therefore she could not be my doctor.

While Charles is no longer my nurse he still someone I can ask questions of and have him provide a clear correct answer without fail. He returns my phone calls, answers my emails and provides me with the tools I need to become better aware of HIV and how I can continue to remain healthy and love a long life with HIV.

The staff at the clinic are awesome, the ladies at the front desk are always so nice and kind and always have a smile and kind things to say, not just to me but to every patient that comes through the door. The clinic is large and sees a great deal of patients, but each time I am there I hear the ladies greet the patients by their names and treat them with dignity and respect. Something that was greatly lacking in the care I received from harbor ucla medical center.

Furthermore the staff in the financial department is like night and day between habor ucla and LAC-USC in the clinic. I was told not to return to harbor ucla until I had a reject letter from Medi-Cal and was told that there was no way for me to be seen at the clinic until I did so. The Clinic at USC was far different. I was enrolled in ADAP right away and given a grace period until I was able to get the reject letter from Medi-Cal. I was not turned away or refused care. In fact I was told that even if I could not get the letter from Medi-Cal I could still see the doctor there and I would never be refused care. Charmine from harbor ucla stated that county hospitals can refuse care to anyone for any reason and that they are not obligated to treat or care for anyone beyond the Emergency Room. “You must bare the brunt and the responsibility of your disease Mr. Carr, not me or the hospital.” I have heard plenty of nightmare stories from other patients who use to get care at harbor ucla.

The week before the outreach while out providing meals and cell phones to homeless people in Los Angeles on the way home I stopped off at the 99 Cent only store to get another round of supplies for the Unpluggin HIV outreach. I used money that I was hoping to have received from speaking for HIV Matters the week before, but to this day the check still hasnt come. However this did not prevent me from buying the supplies needed for the Life Kits.

I also fell short in trying to get reading materials to go inside the Life Kits, I had plenty of people offer and say they could provide it, but when the rubber meets the road nothing was ever provided. One very large ASO said since I was not a recognized organization they could not provide me with the materials to go into the Life Kits for people living with HIV and AIDS. The material I was requesting is FREE, but I was told I could pay for it if I wanted it. This didnt surprise me because it was another mid size ASO that told me “You have nothing and Skid Row is you only option.” Carla from the HIV Clinic told me this was not my only option and she made arrangements for me to get temporary housing in Hollywood, not on Skid Row.

Not getting enough reading materials did not stop me from moving forward, nor did the fact that condoms and lube that were committed by another ASO that never happened stop the effort either. My friends and loyal supporter provided two large boxes of Trojan Condoms that went into the Life Kits and Brian Risley from AIDS PROJECT LOS ANGELES provided some material that went into most of the kits. Other information came from from Being Alive and my case manager Tiana also from APLA. However this wasnt enough to cover all the kits, so other reading materials were placed in the kits from organizations like METRO, California High Speed Rail, the Gas Company and Santa Monica College.

The week leading into the outreach several people backed out of helping and one even said she had no idea that this was for people living with HIV and AIDS and could not support it because it was Gods punishment for a group of people who have angered him. I told her that she was Gods punishment for anyone who knew her ignorant ass. Before I hung the phone up on her I told her to KICK ROCKS.

It looked as if the event was going to have to be canceled because things that I really needed in order to pull the event off were no longer going to be available because of ignorance, disrespect, bigotry and stupidity. Right when I got to the point of giving up, I prayed to God and asked him to make a way, because there was no way I could cancel the event now. There was no way I would give people who told me that I could not do this without them and those who have stated that I dont have the heart to pull this off would get the pleasure in seeing me fail. More importantly I was not going to be like so many other organizations that back out when things get tough leaving people like those who are homeless, low income and those battling HIV and AIDS with nothing and no place to turn. For those who dont know, something that may seem so insignificant to most means the world to those who dont have access to things like a health meal, and items to help them stay clean and live as healthy and normal as possible.

Right when I finished my prayer God shows me just how much he is an on time God. I got a message from my friend Ryan who told me he could pick me up and take me to the clinic, Elise from APLA called and said she would provide 20 loves of French Bread, my friend Shown told emailed and said he could come volunteer and Krystal and Patrick gave a donation of that allowed me to purchase all that was lacking for the outreach.

Thursday evening after sitting in the lobby of DSPP pretty much all day I was able to complete the shopping for the outreach on my bike with my Croozer Bike Trailer at Smart and Final. Dab the AIDS Bear went with me to keep me company and to take pictures and meet new friends. My day ended around 11:45PM Thurday night with a smile.

Friday started at 4:00AM, I had to cook the food, make the salad, wash laundry and make sure everything was ready and in order when Ryan arrived to get me at 9:30AM. Unfortunately I ran out of time to do the remaining 15 Life Kits so they will be delivered at a later time to the clinic.

Ryan arrived right on time and we were headed out to the clinic at 9:55 and arrived in plenty of time to get things set up and ready for the outreach. On the drive over there was a little bit of rain, but this was of no concern to me. I knew this was only God washing away anything that would stand in the way of his mission of LOVE and message of HOPE.

The outreach was awesome and I am so glad that in the end things all came together in order to “be of service” to those in need without any excuse or lame reason why I wasn’t able to do so. God made a way just like he always has done and all I had to do was trust and believe and allow him to provide.

In all Unpluggin HIV provided 21 Life Kits and served about 50 or so meals to people living with HIV and AIDS as well as served meals to the men and women of the clinic who do their best to support, encourage and provide care for people with HIV and AIDS.

For me once again this event was a huge accomplishment and huge effort and once again it was a major success. How cool was it to start this monthly outreach on the very same day I was supposed to be in San Francisco to get ready for the AIDS LIFE CYCLE that I decided not to do because of lack of support and help for the sponsoring organization to support me in my effort. Moreover the event started to take on “exclusivity” and “you dont count” meaning for me and I know now many other who feel the same way. You must raise $3000 in order to be able to be part of something that is supposed to be “life changing” and “enriching” to the people who are able to raise the money. So does this mean that since someone is not able to raise the required money that their efforts arent worth a “life changing” event? Not at all, it simply means that organizations need to work much harder to create services, programs and events that anyone at any level are able to participate in regardless of how much money they can or can not raise.

AIDS LIFE CYCLE left me with the feelings that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy and not “fancy” enough to be part of something so “life changing” It left me feeling damaged and left out not because I cant ride the distance from San Francisco to LA, but because I am poor, Black and HIV positive and I dont fit into what is considered acceptable or worth much. Well KICK ROCKS Gay and Lesbian Center and to hell with your bike ride that excludes the hard work, determination and real life issues I and many other people face while battling HIV and AIDS simply because we cant raise $3000. My efforts, heart and drive as just as important and deserve full consideration regardless of my ability to raise $3000. After pulling out of the “life changing” bike ride the ALC nor it’s organizers even bothered to reach out to make sure hadnt gotten sicker or even died from HIV, furthermore they never even bothered to thank me for what I was able to raise. No bike will be “life changing” and it certainly will not cause me to believe that I am not worthy, able and capable of being part of something that can be so “life changing” for me as long as I have access to money. KICK ROCKS

I can create something the is ‘LIFE CHANGING” not for me, but for others and I dont need “fancy pants” to get the job done. I dont need to have some massive budget or fancy advertising, air conditioned offices or people who are disrespectful and dismissive to those they claim to support. Nope I dont need any of that “fancy” stuff. All I need is what God has given me…..FAVOR and MERCY and the FAITH to believe that I can do anything, I can move any mountain and I can create things that have a great meaning and benefit for someone with HIV and AIDS right now, not years from now when they may not be around to benefit from it or have the money to be part of it. “Embrace Diversity” is something that I do daily regardless of how much money someone can raise or how “fancy” they may be.

I love what I have created with NOTHING that stands as a testament for God and his greatness and his divine FAVOR in my life and how someone who battles through Sickle Cell, Cancer, nearly 2 years of homelessness and now my battles with HIV and all the harshness that comes with HIV from lousy medical care, poor services from all organizations INCLUDING ALL ASO’s not because I am HIV posiitive but because I am poor and not able to bring what is considered “fancy” and recognized as “success” to the table in the form of “money” so therefire people like me arent considered, not counted, talked about, but not heard.

As long as God allows me to lift this voice, raise this BLACK FIST and stand on this earth I will fight daily for a seat at the table and I will force a new conversation that needs to be heard because people are suffering and going without health care, support and compassion and are refused access to “fancy” because they dont have access to money. I will not rest until the term “Embracing Diversity” includes people like me. Until “Embracing Diversity” means seeing my color and all colors that God created and respecting it because it is BEAUTIFUL and worthly, not because some “community” said so, but because I was created by God for a reason and not to be squashed and pushed aside because someone is threatened by its sheer beauty and power.

I will not rest until people who are poor, homeless and BLACK receive fair treatment in all areas of care not because “community” thinks it said be, but because HUMANITY should demand it be so.

I will continue to be proactive in my role to push the envelope and pave the way not for myself but for those who will come after me and will not have to suffer as much as I have or maybe not at all, because I took a stand against the old guard that only serves people who have money and forces people like me to accept scraps like we are some how peasants not worthy to be part of so called “life changing” events. KICK ROCKS

Again
I call you
and again you answer
Again
I need you
and again you’re there
Lord

Again
I reach out
and again you hold me
YOU console me
ONCE MORE and
AGAIN

When I need company
Someone just to sit with me
When I need a helping hand
Someone to understand me
YEAH

When I need someone who care
Someone to wipe away my tears
Reach down and calm my fears
I know that you’ll be there

So yes God I will trust you
I will follow you again believe all
because you have never failed me

Once again
You are always there

Special thanks to
Krystal and Patrick
Willow and Eric
Monia and Ryan
Tina and Andy
Elise Caitlin
Shawn Martinez

For “keeping your word and being of service” and for being my friends. I love and respect you all so much and this would have been so much harder for me had you not taken the time to offer and do what you did. Thank you so much.

Unpluggin HIV~empowering a positive life takes places the last Friday of every month at the Rand Schrader Health and Research Clinic at USC Medical Center. If you would like to get involved with this effort to be of service to those living with HIV and AIDS, please visit www.dosomethingsaturday.org or contact me directly kengi@dosomethingsaruday.org

All love

Kengi