Project Kengikat

ADAP…..The Work That Is Not Getting Done.

// June 28th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS

Today (Monday, June 28, 2010) was the ADAP National Call in Day and from what I saw and heard from many people infected with HIV or AIDS that depend on ADAP to get their life saving meds was simply depressing.

ADAP is the AIDS Drugs Assistance Program that provides life saving meds to people battling HIV or AIDS who can not afford to pay for their meds. Currently there are over 1400 people on waiting lists in 11 states. Now I am know you may be thinking that these people are on waiting list for meds that are no on the market, but you would be wrong if this is your thinking. The waiting list is for meds that are available. Over 1400 people in 11 states are on a waiting list for meds that are on the market.

Now this isn’t like sitting in some waiting area of a restaurant or in a some line waiting to get in a club. People don’t die in these types of lines or waiting areas, but people have died on ADAP waiting lists. People don’t die waiting to get into a club or while waiting for a table at some eatery. What is sad to me is that this nation and I am not just talking about the leaders of this nation, but this nation as a whole, will sit by and allow people to die while waiting for life saving meds. This sitting on the sidelines also applies to the “community” as well. No one is without blame or without fault when it comes to this major issue facing this nation.

While there is strong support for HIV and AIDS funding at the While House and on both sides of aisles, not one person is willing to stand up and take a real stand, the lead or force this nation to deal with the current crisis taking place. Moreover organizations that are supposed to be on the ground doing all they can to fight for people with HIV and AIDS also seem to be missing the mark in a major way as well. In many ways these organizations remind me of big banks, Wall Street fat cats or to paint a clear picture of this crisis that has been unfolding for sometime now, it is, in my opinion no different then the British Petroleum oil spill that is already devastating the our coastline, killing our wild life, affecting the lives of countless people, which will soon impact the entire nation as a whole.

BP is ADAP and the people with HIV and AIDS are our ocean, our coastline and the precious lives of countless people who will die and be greatly affected by this crisis that no one seems to be fully in control of, engaged in or even caring about. You can only look to what is already taking place in the gulf to know the final outcome of not having a solid plan in place should something go wrong, someone in control and a clear, effective and precise way to address it.

In the beginning AIDS was killing people left and right and today I always hear people saying “people are no longer dying” and this is not just untrue, but, it is a bold faced lie and a slap in the face to those families, friends and loved ones who have lost someone to AIDS. People are still dying and yes the number of deaths are drastically different then at the start of this epidemic, but one death to AIDS is one too many and we know that there are far more then just one death. AIDS still kills people and we need to not just act like we care, but do things that show we care.

In speaking with people, both gay and straight about the National Call in Day for ADAP, not one person I spoke with even knew about it. In speaking with people who work in the field of HIV and AIDS, not one of them knew about it. I must say this, I have to exclude my friends, because I talk about what is going on all the time, so they are fully aware and the heads up I sent out today reminding them to call wasn’t a news flash, but a reminder. I even spoke with two people who are on the HIV Commission here in Los Angeles and they too had no clue about what today was.

One person even mentioned the gay and lesbian organization they work for here in Los Angeles only to report that they heard nothing about the National Call in Day for ADAP. They went on to mention how the very high profile clinic where they get their health care also had no information about it either. Then there was those people who simply do not care and don’t do a damn thing for their selves unless someone is holding their hand, so the answers I heard from them was not surprising.

So how do we begin to change things when it comes to HIV and AIDS in this nation? How do we empower our leaders to do the right things? How do we empower people to stand up, speak up, show up and give a rats ass? How do we get organizations to make certain that the vital information is getting to the people who can help make change happen? How do we make things better when so many of us won’t even talk about the fact that they have HIV or AIDS? How can we ask our government to do something when we hide in our self imposed HIV and AIDS closets with the doors locked, lights out refusing to be part of the change? How has the right to profits and marriage taken the place of the right to life? Where did we go wrong?

I think the first thing we should do is stop living in the segregation of “community”, stop making HIV and AIDS about “community” when it is truly about HUMANITY. I have learned that when we make something about a certain “community” then it becomes hard for people to feel a part of and even empowered to take a stand for something that is about some “community”  Community separates us as humans, it divides us into groups of people who are different. To be perfectly honest I think the “community” play key roles in holding people with HIV and AIDS in the dark. The “community” says “come out of the closet” and “we’re here and we’re queer” but turns right around and encourages people with HIV and AIDS to run back into another closet and hide in shame. The “community” does an awesome job at making HIV and AIDS about gay people and that has only caused “stigma” and division.

Today I was able to get 60 people to call the White House and ask President Obama to address the ADAP crisis. I did this by getting people to see that HUMANS will die without life saving meds. I did this by asking people to care about HUMANS, not some community that they don’t feel part of. I did this by asking people to think of me, their friend, someone they care about. In doing so 60 people made the call because I made the “ask” about life, not “community”

Maybe we should living inside community and start living as humans, maybe we should stop making HIV and AIDS about community or being gay and make it about what it is, HUMANS. We need to come out of this “get all you can, can all you get and sit on the pot and poison the rest” way of thinking and begin to think of each other as equals. Not as gay or straight, but fellow humans who can become infected with HIV or AIDS at any time.

We will never totally and fully address the HIV and AIDS crisis in this nation until we work as HUMANS and not as “communities” If we really look at how things are unfolding, then we should see that this “community” way of doing things is not working and it is very much like Democrats and Republicans who cant get things done for this nation because they think inside the segregation of their “community”

First Steps

// June 26th, 2010 // 5 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time, Uncategorized

One of the things that I really wanted to do with my outreaches was to make a lasting impression and create some real change. Not change that takes years or decades, but change that one can see fairly quick. It’s been a long hard road, but I am happy to report that CHANGE for the better has taken place and the term “it’s a process” has become nothing more then a huge lie that I think organizations like to use as of way of not doing the jobs they are funded and paid to do.

When I created Do Something Saturday I did so against the advice of people who thought they knew more then me. They figured since I was homeless and in need, that I was far too stupid to create anything that could actually help someone. Seeing that I was homeless they just naturally thought that this meant I was a bad person and had lived my life making bad choices which ended in me being homeless. Well they were wrong on all accounts. The sad thing is that these were the people I was forced to turn to for help. Homelessness lasted as long as it did, because I refused the kind of help they were offering, I refused to allow someone who could not add 2+2 be to be charge of me. I also refused to let this same sort of thinking prevent me from doing what I knew I could do. Here I am over three years later and Do Something Saturday is still going strong.

The very same thing can be said for me wanting to be part of the collective change for HIV and AIDS. The first thing that people said was, “you are homeless and have HIV. How can you help anyone.” One person from Skid Row Housing Corporation even went as far as to say “who do you think you are?” Again, I refused to be told no and I refused to allow people to push me aside for the simple fact that they were seated in places where people like me are looked down upon and not welcomed.

“Who do you think you are?” It’s not who I think I am, It’s who I know I am…..the child of a king and through him I can do all things.

People always seem  to be caught up in titles, fancy name tags, positions, big offices that look down on the little people and all this type of business, but the bottom line is this. People re quick to remind someone of the bad choice, or something they may have done wrong in their life. Quick to remind someone “I know what you did last week” when they are in the drivers seat. They act as if they have never made a bad choice, never needed someone to simply understand and not judge, never done one thing that someone can point a finger at. It’s sad to me how we ignore dogs that piss and shit in the house, but treat humans like wild beasts when they have fallen short.

I recall a so called social worker, excuse me a “unit supervisor” at the Grand Office of DPSS who told me “you really need to give up this crusade to help people. It will get you no where” I looked at her and replied “Is that what Jenny Craig told you when you at a weeks worth of food in less then a day. Is that what Weight Watchers told you after you broke the truck scale they had to bring in to weigh your fat ass?” I went on to tell her that she does not get to decide and has no say in how things will turn out for me. She did her best to get me thrown out of the office, but I refused and later spoke to her boss where he forced her to apologize.

I said this to say this, there is only one person who can hold us back and that is ourselves. There is only one person who can get in the way of our dreams, our goals, our hopes, our destiny and that is us. The life that we’ve be given to life is ours and no one but us controls it. The outcome is up to us. So the next time someone tells you what you can’t do, what you can’t achieve, you look them in the eyes and tell them to “KICKS ROCKS” and you keep it movin’. Don’t ever let anyone determine what the outcome for your life will be, because it is not up to them and they have no say.

Throughout my life everything that I have set out to do I have done. Yes there were hardships, setbacks, sidetracks and all else, but it got done, because I stayed the course and never lost sight of who I am, whose I am and what I am able to create. This is going to miss some of my readers, but I will say it anyway. Greater is he who is in me, then he who is in the world. I don’t need no title, no position, no fancy office, no fancy friends or a fancy car to accomplish something that is great. I don’t need the approval or a head nob from anyone to make things CHANGE for the better for humanity. I just need to take the first steps, have faith and stay the course.

I didn’t create Project KengiKat to get my face on some magazine, nor do I want my name called in fancy offices, I don’t do what I do for praise or recognition. I never wanted it to be some large organization with fancy offices for fancy people who only look down on others. I did not create what I do to make friends or have people like me, shit I knew once I mentioned the fact that I was homeless or that I have HIV people who walk away, have their sick thoughts and opinions, so getting them to help those who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS was not going to win me anything.

Project KengiKat is about doing all you can for others, not thinking about yourself and going above and beyond the extra mile for someone in need. It means caring without limits or expectations. It’s means getting up, suiting up and showing up when you are sick, when you don’t feel like it, when it is raining outside, when it is hot outside, when you have no money, when you have nothing to give but yourself. It’s about loving and embracing people and tearing down the segregated walls of “community”

I am so glad that I took the first steps back in 2007 even when people told me I was stupid, because looking back I see what I have been able to accomplish, I see the real friendships that have been formed with the amazing people I have in my life. As I look back I see what is possible if you simply keep doing your best to move forward in love, even in the face of great adversity. I’ve seen the people who look beyond my faults, beyond all my fuck ups, beyond my bad choices, beyond my scars, my tears, my hurt, my shame, my pain, my past and all they see is the best in me.

When I look around I see people who love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be and when I look around I see the very same people embracing what I have created and working just as hard and many times much harder then me to keep my first steps alive and for this I am so humbled and thankful.

Last week the residents on Skid Row voted to keep me on as their outreach organization even though there are some who would rather it not be in place there. But it is not up to them. I care deeply for many of the residents on Skid Row. Many of them have touched my life in ways they will never know. When I thought of not being able to continue my work there, my heart got a bit heavy, but then I prayed and asked God to work things out and if that meant I would need to move forward then I would accept that. I asked him for his will and not my own.

Also last week I took the first steps in two huge projects I am going to be working very hard on until they are complete. They are much bigger then anything I have created so far, but I am working with some really talented people and I also have my friends who I know will help me as much as they can as well as encourage me all the way. I will say that both projects are things that are very close to my heart and mean so much to me, they are about embracing life and all that it has to offer us.

The last time I created something big was the Million $ Ghetto in Venice for kids who have parents that are in prison, that took nearly three months to plan. Lots of hard work, lots of tears and I was in the middle of my cancer treatments at the time not to mention homelessness, but in the end it all worked out.

Don’t even be afraid to take the first steps and don’t ever let anyone convince you that you can not take them.

You Never Know…..

// June 23rd, 2010 // 4 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time, Uncategorized, video

….how things will turn out, who your friends will be or how your life will end up. Yeah, you can do all the planning you want and do all it takes it be in full control of things, but the bottom line is that you never know. Even the best laid out plans don’t turn out the way we want.

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be homeless, but I was homeless for 29 months. I never once thought that I would be HIV positive, but I am sitting here typing out this blog almost three years into my HIV diagnoses. All I am really saying is that we never really know where our lives will carry us and we can’t change where we’ve been, but if we keep walking on our own paths living our truth, then the universe will always yield and unfold for us, just as if continues to for me.

When I started my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach the ultimate goal was to raise awareness for people living with HIV or AIDS as well as try my best to provide support for low income or homeless people battling these diseases. It was only 4 months after my diagnoses that I was able to do my first outreach to a group of 15 men living in HIV or AIDS in Long Beach thanks to the support from my friends Ryan and Moina. The outreached touched the lives of these 15 men by providing hygiene items, laundry soup, cleaning supplies, gently used clothes and even food.

The outreach would later grow to offer a full scale outreach to the HIV clinic at USC which would later move to Skid Row where today it offers support to 40 residents (men and women) living with HIV or AIDS. In addition the outreach still provides support to people with HIV and AIDS who are homeless on the streets.

Today I took the first step in creating two projects which will help to raise awareness and foster unity compassion and respect  for people living with HIV and AIDS. I met with my friend Brian to discuss  and lay the ground work for a project that will include stories from people living with HIV and AIDS as well as some artwork. In addition I have already started working on a film project that will feature people living with HIV and AIDS.

June 29th will mark on full year of being in my apartment and it will also mark the end of the goals I set for myself and my outreaches. The cool thing is that I reached these goals nearly two weeks ago.

Sunday I had the chance to meet someone who reads my blog and watches my YOUTUBE channel. He explained to me how much both the blog and videos have helped him to deal with his HIV status and how he gets encouragement and strength from them. I was both honored and humbled by him sharing the things he’s been through and how my blog and videos have helped him.

Right before I left for my final job interview today I got an email from a mother who just finished speaking with her daughter about being a lesbian. She said told me she would have reacted in a much different and less supportive way had she not found my channel on YOUTUBE. She told me how through watching my videos she has learned to simply love her daughter for who she is and not to “judge” or “condemn” her. She left her number for me to call her and I did. She shared a little more about her talk with her daughter and how things went. I couldn’t help but be happy for the outcome and to hear how much this mother truly saw how to LOVE her daughter without conditions.

I never know who is reading my blog or watching my videos, but every now and then I am able to hear from and meet people who do and each time I walk pleased in knowing that what I do with this blog and my videos has helped to make things a bit better for people.

My final job interview went well, I will know the result next week. Right now I am spending the night with my niece and the kid while her husband is out of town. I am enjoying my time with them and so loving where my life is right now. I could moan, groan and find many reason why I am not happy with things in my life and even find things to be unhappy about with regards to HIV, but what good would that do? What point would that serve? Who would that help?

It has been said that the purpose of a life is to live a life of purpose, well through the adversity t in my own life I have found my purpose and I am living it each and every day.

Technology Off

// June 20th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Me Time, Social Networking

It’s Sunday, a little after 7:00PM and this weekend has been about being disconnected from being so connected. It seems that I spend a great deal of time online doing things for other people and keeping up with online friends which in turn leaves almost no time for me.

It’s almost been a month since I placed a video on my YOUTUBE channel and at first I was logging on every other day to approve channel comments and what not, but that stopped the very first week. I figured if people really wanted to keep up with me, see how I am doing or just shoot the shit, they would do a few things, call, read my blog or message me on FACEBOOK. The first week there were about 10 people who checked in to say hello and as of last week there were only 7 and this past days it has gone down to 4. I guess you can call this out of sight out of mind friendships, but it is what it is and life will go on.

Friday I took a break from FACEBOOK and closed my TWITTER account, I am not even sure why I had a TWITTER account and to be honest I am starting to question why I have a FACEBOOK account as well. It seems society has become people who only exist online. Social networking has made it easy for us to create friends that only exist online. God forbid there is some strange sort of events and no one is able to get online, text or any of this for months. What would people do?

The other day I sat down and I wrote a hand written letter to a friend who lives in Chicago. He received it and was blown away that I had taken the time to write him and then put in in an envelope and mailed it to him. He joked saying he couldn’t recall the last time a friend wrote him instead of emailing. There was once a time when you got a letter from a friend or family member and this meant so much, but now we just email each other or meet up online. There are people we even have dated online, family reunions online……everything online.

So my weekend was about being old fashioned, actually calling my friends to talk, making time to hang out and see each other face to face. Other then the news, the TV was off and more the 90% of my weekend was spent away from home, away from the computer and my cell phone was off. The world didn’t end and I had a great time just being in the real world with real people doing real life things TOGETHER!!!.

Now I am not saying that social networking is bad and should be done away with. Nope not at all. I have made some really cool friends using social networks, friends that I know are solid and in my life for the right reasons. My time away from YOUTUBE and even this weekend away from FACEBOOK has shown me this. Social networking is great and you can meet some really cool people, but ask yourself this. When was the last time you had dinner with friends from where you live? When was the last time you went on a date with someone from where you live? When is the last time you went to the beach, went bike riding and besides sleeping and the time you’re at work, when is the last time you were not online? Some people can even be online at work, so they are never offline.

I spent my weekend hanging out with Dodger, being outside, walking, making ceramics, making plans for my “living quilt” as well as a few other projects I want to work on. I was able to make some solid contacts with people right here where I live to help me reach my goal of making 600 hygiene kits for people who are homeless and people with HIV or AIDS.

I had a great weekend and social networks were not at all a part of it. Real life people in my real life were and it was awesome. So I am making some changes to my “online” presence to one that requires me to be present in the real world more then 95% of the time. Again, if people are truly my friends they know how to reach me, but if they are only “online” friends then I will see them when I am online.

You can’t see a laugh, feel an embrace from a friend or loved one, you can’t watch an awesome sunset, walk on the beach, or really enjoy the awesomeness that all this world has to offer by always being online. You have to get out and live life to the fullest and make being online something that you do when you want to, not something you do when you want to see your friends, family or loved ones.

“Technology Off” is something I am going to be doing a lot more of.

Clean Up Friday

// June 18th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Animals, Health and Fitness, Me Time

Today was a pretty quiet day for Dodger and I, just a few walks and a lazy day on the sofa. I took the day off from the gym because I am really sore from the past two days. No pain, no gain is just a bunch of BS. I am not trying to hurt myself to prove some silly point.

The one thing that I really wanted to get done today was doing a major clean to my apartment. My place isn’t that large, but there are 5 windows, 4 of which are large, plus my place sits over a fairly busy street, so there’s lots of dirt that gets in. I do my best to keep it pretty clean, but there are times when I need to do what I did today. What I like to call  ”deep cleaning”. During this cleaning I move all the furniture, sweep the baseboards and then I place some carpet fresh on the carpet. It takes about an hour to get it all done.

Before moving the furniture I make sure I have already done the dishes, cleaned thebathroom and the counter tops. Today I had to also clean off the table. The table tends to be a place where I place things that never seem to move. So there a great deal of time was spent getting things where they belong, most of which was the trash and a small amount needed to be filed away or put in areas where I could see them so I wont forget they are due.

Most times Dodger gets really nervous when I start to clean because he knows sooner or later I will be running the vacuum cleaner and he doesn’t care too much for that. However today meant that his favorite spot perched on the back of the sofa looking out the window would be a no go. He also doesn’t like when I move the sofa with him on it.

I also wanted to focus on recreating my “sacred space” as well as making space for my ceramics that I’ve been bringing home. This meant that I was going to have to move some things around in order to make space for all the new pieces. I have this really cool leather chest that I received from my friends Krystal and Patrick that use to sit near the sofa and arm chair, but today I moved it near the bog window so it could hold my plants and ceramics while creating a really cool space. There was a smaller table that I had in the entry hallway now located in living room that holds my FAITH cross, rocks and some really cool pieces I created.

I also needed to sort my laundry, change the sheets on my bed and sort my recycling. Dodger’s bowl needed to be cleaned, water bottle on his water station also needed to be changed as well. This meant I needed to clean the area where the bottle screws in to make sure no dust or dirt there that could get into his water. My little baby also needed a bath and then a good brushing after.

Once I finished all of this it was time for our afternoon walk. We usually go for a longer walk in the afternoon, but today Dodger seemed to be a bit tired. He wasn’t walking at his normal pace and when I turned at a corner where we never go to head back, he gave me nu fuss. In fact he seemed very happy. When we got back home, jumped up on the sofa for me to remove his collar and harness and went right over to his bed and curled up. However once I got settled and relaxed on the sofa, he ran over and jumped on me and we took our nap.

This evenings walk Dodger had his swagger back and was all over the place. Since he had somuch energy we went for a long walk and he seemed to like this just fine. On our way home we ran into Maggie and Sally. They live near us and Dodger is always on his best behavior whenever he sees Sally. This time he saw he before I noticed they were up ahead and he started pulling.

I gave my friend Audrey a call to see how she was doing and I am so glad I did that, because once again we had such a great conversation and I was able to learn more about her as well as discover that she is a pretty strong, brave amazing woman was has been through so much in her life. What is so inspiring to me is that she has this beautiful spirit and this energy that is so powerful. We spent over an hour talking and laughing.

I was feeling ok after talking to Audrey, so I thought I would head to the gym, but right as I started to walk to the door Dodger went crazy, as if he knew I was about to leave him and this was going against my plans. I walked out anyway, but he kept it up and did not stop. I was outside the building and walking towards the gym and I could still hear him. Dodger never does this, so I gave in and came back. When I sat down on the sofa, he ran to lick my face and then back to his favorite spot. I simply shook my head and said “Ok Dodger, you win” He turned and barked twice and went back to looking out the window.

Clean up Friday was awesome. I took it easy and spent the entire day with Dodger, talked with with two friends and returned some emails. I am ending my day by burning some sage, ringing my bell and lighting some candles….oh yeah a really hot bubble bath.

Gym Time

// June 16th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Health and Fitness, Me Time

I left for Washington DC on April 25th, the last time I was in the gym was April 23rd. Even though my eating habits have not changed, my fitness level has almost come to a complete stand still. Other then walking Dodger I have not been doing any other exercise at all.

The result of this is me now weighing 325 lbs. I knew I was gaining weight, but I really did see it until I saw some pictures of me taken by a friend of mine and what I saw was disappointing to me.  Now I could find plenty of things to blame not going to the gym on, but the bottom line is that I have been lazy. Plain and simple and I know people will say oh don’t be hard on yourself or beat yourself up and everyone falls off the wagon and all that sort of crap. The truth is this, I am not being myself up, being too hard on myself or any of this. I am just being honest about my situation of simply being too lazy to walk four blocks to the gym. There is just no other way to look at it.

I had plans to get tot he gym all last week and the week before and I also had plans to get there Monday and Tuesday of this week, but I made excuses and it never happened, but after seeing those pictures last night and then watching this documentary on high blood pressure, heart disease and stroke, I knew the only way for me to see changes in my overall health is to make solid life changes to my daily life.

I am no longer a member of the YMCA, for reasons I already talked about in other blogs, but I did join Bally’s Total Fitness before I left for Washington DC, so there is no excuse other then my own laziness as to why I have not been. Like I said I can find excuses and all sorts of awesome reasons why I didn’t go, but the bottom like is that they are excuses and in the long run these types of excuses will only cause health problems for me. I already have enough health problems to deal with already, so I should not allow my laziness to cause even more.

Today was my first day back in the gym and to be very honest it felt great. I worked out for 45 minutes on the cross trainer and it really wasn’t that hard at all. Since my new gym has TV stations at many of the machines, I was able to watch CNN and before I knew it I had reached the end of my workout. I feel great right now and I know I will sleep very good tonight.

This time around I am not going to allow things to get in my way of working out. I am also not going to depend on motivation from anyone other then me. The last time I was getting some motivation from friends who later quit, but they don’t have they same health issues that I have, so I can’t allow this to be any part of why I am working out. I have to do it for ME and MY HEALTH.

The hardest thing about the gym is simply going and not making excuses as to why you can’t go. Now if you can’t afford the gym, then find something that will allow you to workout and be healthy. I know there are some things we simply can not control when it comes to life and how our health will unfold, but there are lots of things we can do to make sure that the road to good health is as smooth as possible. For me that road started today, not tomorrow or next week.

I will never have the body I use to have when I was a jock and dammit I will never look like Deon and he two sexy ass friends, but I can be healthy, look good and feel good. Hell I am pretty damn sexy right now, and I am 41 years old now, my twenties are far behind me. However 42 is just up ahead I am going to be in better health and fitness when I turn 42, then I am right now. In turn this will improve my quality of life and overall health and well being.

Today I have started what I am calling “BALANCE: Mind, Body & Soul” and I am off to an awesome start.

One Year

// June 16th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS

It’s hard to believe that it has been a full year since I’ve had the amazing doctor and care clinic I now have. It’s hard to believe that the stress that came from being HIV positive is no longer something I am the least bit stressed about.

April 3, 2008 is when I was diagnosed HIV positive. I was at Harbor UCLA Medical Center which is a county hospital here in Los Angeles. I was already over a year into homelessness, so for me HIV was nothing I could cry over. There was simply no time for that and it would serve no point. My 11 day stay at this hospital was the worst. The first few days, maybe longer in the hospital all I was served was jello, cottage cheese, milk, coffee and fruit, even though I was on a “regular” diet. The staph went from bad to worse while there and there were days when it was not cleaned at all. I finally had to threaten to hurt myself before anything was done. I was later dumped in some hell hole way out in bell.

I had absolutely no faith in the care I would get from the HIV clinic there at Harbor, but I was still very sick and still dealing with the staph infection to try to find another clinic. It was on my second visit where I was told not to come back until I could pay the over $300 bill, so I had no choice but to find another clinic. Someone who reads my blog told me about 5p21 (USC’s HIV clinic) Things there were not much better, but I knew I needed to keep going. The only good thing that came from USC’s HIV clinic was meeting Charles who was my first nurse. He was the only person I trusted there and he was the only person who made any effort to answer questions and try to help me find my way through HIV. He always treated me with respect, always made sure I my appointments didn’t cause conflicts with finding a place to sleep or meals.

I was at the end of my rope, done with trying and sick of all the shit i was dealing with from being homeless and having to beg for medical care for my HIV. I was tired of jumping through all the hoops, dancing all the dances and kisses all the asses I had to kiss only to get nothing but doors closed in my face, people who were supposed to be helping me treating me like shit and getting away with it. Since the government says I needed to be sicker in order to get care, then I was going to do just that. I was going to fall out of care until HIV became AIDS and I was then sick enough to get care.

I recall many people telling me that there are no barriers to care. It’s always funny how people can tell someone else how things are for them and they have no fucking clue as to how things really are for the person they seem to know so damn much about. It’s funny how people think simply having a case manger magically fixes everything and all things fall into place. I know from experience that there are plenty of barriers to care and having a case manager is many times more trouble then they are help.

HIV was a complete nightmare for me and I wasn’t even on meds. Everything was going south and the only person who was doing all the hard work, day in and day out and getting no place was me. The only person left in the cold was me. My friends Tina and Andy did all they could do without putting housing or anything else in jeopardy for me because homeless people cant get help from anyone, because then their needs are being met. How screwed up is that?

I was done fighting a system that is designed to fail and I was done trying to fight something that is supposed to help me. I blogged that I was going to drop out of care, but as soon as I typed it my tears began to fall because I am not a quitter and to give in to this would mean that it was better and bigger then me. I cried all afternoon, because I didn’t know what else to do.

My friend Tina reminded me that I had been through far worse and I could get through this too. Andy told me to take a break and try not to let it get to me. He too reminded me that I had been through worse. “You can do this Kengi” is what they told me and shortly after the tears and anger I reached out one last time my friend Brian and he came through for me. “I cant walk away from care. That would be stupid and would destroy all that I have worked so hard to build” is what I said in an email to him and just like my awesome friends Tina and Andy, he too refused to let me simply give up. Because of Brian I now am in what seems like a whole new world.

Friday June 12, 2009 I spoke with Ruben from North East Valley and he was very kind, not something I was use to from a clinic, at the end of the call I was in tears and I think he heard it in my voice because he asked what was wrong. I told him that I would not get an apartment if my housing form was not signed. I told him what was going on and then I really broke down, I just couldn’t help it. He told me to calm down and assured me he would do all he could to make sure I was able to get the apartment. He told me to come in on Monday.

I met with Phillip, my new case manager on Monday, June 15 and by the time I walked out of the appointment I felt like I had people who truly cared for me and cared that i was suffering. I cried as I walked to the bus stop because from April 3, 2008 until June 12, 2009 I felt so lost, so alone and I knew I would die from AIDS. Not because I wasn’t willing to do all the work to live, but because many of the people who were supposed to be helping me live made me feel like my life wasn’t worth it. Ruben and Phillip made me feel like my life was worth fighting for and they were going to fight right along with me.

I met Dr. Moe a week later and right away she too made me feel like I mattered, like she cared about what was going on in my life. All I could do was cry when she signed my housing paper because in that moment I knew my life was going to get better. In that moment I knew that I could make it and AIDS was not going to ever be a reality for me. I that moment I felt like someone else besides me was going to do all they could to prevent me from being another number….excuse me, another Black man on some damn CDC report.

I remember calling Tina and Andy and telling them I met me new doctor and how kind she was. How she answered my questions, but most of all it was how she treated me like a human being, with respect and care. She shook my hand and did not wear gloves, she made eye contact with me and for the first time I knew I had a fighting chance. For the first time I knew I wasn’t going to be the only person willing to fight damn hard for my life.

I can’t say enough about the care team that I now have. But think about this, year ago I was at the point of dropping out of care, trying to think of ways I could make myself sicker so AIDS would come. I was so stressed out from HIV and I knew I was going to die from AIDS and today HIV is not something that I stress over, not something that keeps me up at night crying, not something I feel lost about. I went from having a doctor and clinic that didn’t even know my name, much less give a rats ass about me being homeless, to having a doctor who knows my name, knows the community work I do, remembers what we talked about the last time we saw each other, a clinic that treats me with respect and cares for me.

I look at pictures from a year ago and I see the circle under my eyes, the stress in my face and fear behind my eyes. Smiles from me were so rare and now I can’t keep them off my face. I’ve been able to grow my outreaches to homeless people as well as people with HIV and AIDS.

I spent tonight with my best friends Tina and Andy at Hollywood & Highland listening to the legendary Barbara Morrison. When I think of where my life is right now, all the amazing friends in my life and gift of life that God allows me to wake up to each and every day, I cant’ help but be thankful for all the good and all the bad, I can’t help but say “THANK YOU” to everyone, even to those who made my path a bit hard at time, I must say “THANK YOU” because all of it has made me a better person and I am damn proud of who I am, where I am and amazing man God created when he allowed me to come through my wonderful parents.

Tina and Andy, thank you so much for always believing in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself, thank you for always standing with me in good times and bad, you two have been there for me with out fail and with out question. You two show me what real friends truly are and how friends stay in the storms of life. I will never be able to repay you both for all the love you’ve extended so freely without conditions and I don’t know why God blessed me so richly with friends like you, but I am so glad he did.

Brian, you’ve seen me at my lowest points and you never gave up and refused to let me give up. You’ve been there to encourage me and he me see all the good in me. Each time I reach out to you, you are right there, if I have questions, you are right there. In my darkest hour you came through for me and I will never forget that. You helped me hang on. There is a gospel song that says “late in the midnight hour, God’s gonna turn it around” In order words right when you think it’s over God will show up. June 11, 2009 was my midnight hour and God sent you to turn it around and it worked in my favor. Part of the reason I am still fighting is because you threw some punches for me when I was down. THANK YOU

Dr. Moe and North East Valley you have been my wheel in the middle of wheel. You restored my faith in HIV care, you’ve showed me there are people willing to fight for me just as hard as me. You showed me that I do matter to someone other then myself. You epitomize AWESOME HIV are and for this my life is so rich, so blessed and HIV is no longer something that I fear, nor is it something I stress about, cry over or worry about. THANK YOU.

Charles, I will alway be so thankful to you. To this day you are someone I can call on, someone I love, respect and trust. YOU will always be the best nurse I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. You are my friend and I am so thankful to have you in my life.

Sunny Monday

// June 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Me Time

Ok I don’t know if it was me and my headache, but after getting home from an awesome day of being out and about with Dodger, I sat on the sofa and this God awful headache took over which made my awesome day a complete pain in the head. Before I knew it I was in so much pain all I could do was sit and try to let it pass. I took some Excedrin, you know, the headache medicine and not long I was able to relax. I was in bed and sleep before the sun set. This was cool because I am sure Dodger was pretty tired from three days of walking over to West Hollywood.

Going to bed before the sunset can sometimes be a good thing, but there is always the chance that you walk up and this is what happened to me. At 1:30AM I woke up and could not go back to sleep. So I got up played with Dodger and then decided to blog. After finishing the blog my website went crazy and I was not able to save or post it. This really drove me crazy, but I wasn’t too upset because since Ryan created the website over two years ago I have never had a problem with it. I can say the same thing about my blog as well so I just took it all in stride and counted it as a practice blog.

Monday was my third day at the ceramics studio, as I stated before, it was also day three of walking to the studio, so I got three awesome days of walking in the heat. I think I’ve blogged before that I have fallen off from my gym schedule. I have only been one time since my trip to DC. I really can’t blame it on anyone or anything other then me. So the walking has been good for me.

When I got to the studio Brian had a bag of clothes for me and I am was happy. I’ve talked about what I do, but have never asked any of the guys to contribute anything, so to have Brian offer a bag of gently used clothes was so awesome. I always get so blown away when people do things like this. The bag was filled with really nice casual shirts which I will use for my outreach on Skid Row for people who are battling HIV or AIDS.

It was another really cool day at the studio and I am so glad that I took the time to make it there for three days. It is really a great way for me to clear my head and take time out for me. Plus I get to be in the company of some really cool people, many of which are friends of mine.

It was a perfect way to end an awesome weekend that I spent with my friend and Dodger. Once I returned home I also had a cool surprise in the mail. I emailed this shoe company to let them know the quality of the shoe laces the put in their dress shoes. I was surprised when i got an email back in a few days and even more surprised that after a few weeks I got a new pair of laces in the mail.

It’s Tuesday and I going to the gym today. In fact I am going all week and I will also take my little boy out for his long walks as well.

Gay Pride Parade

// June 14th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

As I stated in an earlier blog, I had no plans to attend any of the Gay Pride Festival events, because being gay is such a small part of who I am, however I did have plans to go to the Pride Parade on Sunday with my friends and Dodger. It was great and I am glad I went.

For me the Pride Parade really had nothing to do with “pride in being gay”, but just a chance to hang out with me friends and see a parade. Hey it’s Los Angeles and it seems like there is some sort of parade every single weekend in some city here. The only parade that really means much to me is the Rose Parade in Pasadena for the Rose Bowl football game. To me that parade really represents the awesomeness of Southern California and all her sheer beauty. When USC is in the Rose Bowl it is even better.

There aren’t many floats in this parade, just lots of men barley dressed bumping andgrinding and slinging their cocks threw their too small underwear at the crowd. There are a few celebs, but it is Los Angeles, so there has to be some celebs otherwise you can’t really call it a parade. I think those are the rules, because otherwise it is just a bunch of people marching in the street.

Sharon and Kelly Osborn were the Grand Marshals of the parade, but for me the real star was Sheryl Lee Ralph who was part of the original cast of Dream Girls and the mom on smash hit Moesha. She is also a huge ally, fundraiser and supporter of HIV and AIDS. It was great seeing her in the parade.

We took in the sounds and all the many different wild, crazy and even the strange sights of the parade right in front of Gelson’s. My friends Tina, Willow, Andy and Eric along with my little boy Dodger enjoyed out time together. The bonus was that I had the chance to see my friends Donald, Walter and Angel from the outreach I created down of Skid Row for people living with HIV or AIDS. The chance to laugh and see them having a great time and really enjoying life was so cool for me. It is always such an awesome feeling to see them smiling and having a great time outside the crazy and drab life that Skid Row has to offer. Donald was filled with plenty of smiles and laughs just like always and as always Walter was sexy and nice as ever.

The highlight of the entire day for me was the fact that I was able to share the ceramics studio with my friends. I guess in a huge way this place is the center of “Pride” for me because it is the place that hold so much and is the start of so much for me. It was one place where I felt safe and where I could just be me. It was also the one place where I felt respected, welcomed and loved and today the ceramics studio still holds so much for me. It was so cool to be able to share this with my friends.

After the parade Dodger and I went to the studio to spend the rest of our afternoon playing in the clay and making some pretty cool pieces. Well I really didn’t create any new pieces, but worked on the one I started the day before. Once again I have found that I am pretty good at sculpting. When I first started going to the studio this is what I did the most of, I was able to put whatever I was feeling into the clay and this energy helped me to create some really awesome pieces.

As I have stated before, many of the guys at the studio are people who are so special and kind and I am so honored and humbled to call them my friends. Brian, Glen, and Robert are always so much fun and such solid people to be around. Plus they are such great artists. They are also such huge inspirations to me and great examples of what life can be like and how awesome it really is for people who happen to be HIV positive.

People tell me all the time that I inspire them and how awesome I am for finding a way to create some good out of the adversity in my life. I am always humbled by the comments like this, but to be very honest it is people like my friends, the guys at the studio and people who really put forth an honest effort to be better and stand in the gap for others who are the inspirations for me. They are the people I see as fine examples in my life who demonstrate each day what it means to live life to the fullest, how to give to others without expecting anything in return, what it means to love and support someone unconditionally and this in turn encouraged me to be a better person and keep doing the work that I’ve created.

So I guess for me my “Gay Pride” is more about simply being proud of the people I have in my life, celebrating the richness of my friendships, embracing, loving and living life as best I can each and every day without fail in good times and bad, through the storms, through the fire, the highs and lows I must always strive to rise to every occasion and get past every challenge as best I can and remember to always show love and compassion towards humanity along the way.

Pride for me was about being proud, but not because I am gay.

“90-365″ Celebrate “Pride”

// June 12th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, Me Time

I don’t know if I’ve blogged this before or not, but just in case I didn’t, here we go. Not long ago my friend Jacque created this challenge of sorts on YOUTUBE to “love yourself” first for 90 days. I met some really interesting people while doing this challenge, but the cool thing is that along the way, I met two more amazing women who are now part of my circle of friends, Audrey and Darlyna.

Just as we all were nearing the end of the 90 days each of us had life jump right in and start kicking our asses and our finishes were not as strong as our starts. However we all finished. Not long after I asked the ladies to join me on what we now call “90-365″ and each of them did. There were also others who’ve said they do the challenge as well, but I think it is something that all three of us share the most.

No sooner then we started up again, life stepped in again and tried to work against us. For me I was faced with having to move my blog from the ning platform over to my website. This was a lot of work and came at a time when I was preparing for a trip to Washington DC for AIDSWatch. In addition two people I thought were friends turned out to be anything but. Just like ning, these two individuals are a part of my past and I must admit that I don’t miss them at all.

About two weeks ago I made the choice to take a break from my vlog on YOUTUBE, however before doing this I had to wonder how many people who say they are my friends and care so much about me, would really be just that. Just as I thought not many of them have been in contact since I’ve taken the break.

For the past two weeks I’ve been spending more with my family and friends, I’ve beenworking on my website and spending lots more time with Dodger. I am also back to creating things in the ceramic studio again. The coolest thing has been the time that I am able to spend reading, walking and just chilling. I have to tell you that it has been great not having to log on to YOUTUBE. It’s funny how many people on YOUTUBE feel that when they comment, you must answer them or that they some how own stock in your videos and therefore you must make them.

This entire time off from YOUTUBE has been about ME and my community work. Dodger and I am going on walks many times a day and for the past two days we’ve been going on really long walks that have included lunches in the park and hikes in the hills, Just seeing how happy Dodger gets when he sees me grabbing my shoes is such a great feeling to me. he knows when I make my move for the shoes it’s just about time for us to take off.

Today is Saturday, the beginning of Gay Pride and I had plans to hang out and spend the weekend with a friend who was supposed to be in town, but plans changed and she was not able to come into town. However I am kind of glad she didn’t come to town, because I really didn’t want to go to Gay Pride. I guess I just don’t get what Gay Pride is all about, so I don’t see a reason to celebrate. I know who I am and I love who I am, so I don’t need to march or wear some rainbow to show my pride toward something. I guess what I am saying is that for me pride is everyday and has nothing to do with being gay. Just like HIV, being gay is such a SMALL part of who I am and I refuse to be defined by it.

Today I got before the sun, made some coffee and breakfast, bacon, two scrambled eggs and two slices of grilled sourdough bread. I took Dodger out foe our first walk and then the plan was to start my laundry, but the laundry room was packed, so that was out of the question. I instead cleaned my apartment and took the trash out. I watched a bit of TV. It wasn’t long before I got a call from my friend Travis, he too is someone I met through YOUTUBE and is also someone I consider one of my friends. It’s funny that he would be calling because not more then two minutes before I sent him a HELLO on Twitter. He too is on a break from YOUTUBE and was the first to welcome me to “hiatus-ville”  The last time we talked was so much fun and filled with so much laughter. Today was short and sweet, but still filled with laughs. Like Jacque, Audrey and Darlyna, Travis is one of those people I so wished lived closer because I know we’d be even better friends.

After talking with Travis I was put my shoes back on and decided to take a walk withDodger. I knew it would be one of our explore walks, but I had no idea where we were walking to or how far it would be. Before I knew it Dodger and I had walked to West Hollywood and since we were there we kept going until we reached the ceramic studio.

I was so surprised to walk back and find that there was no one there besides Robert and Alan. I saw Glen on my way in as he was leaving. In that moment I was so that there were not many people there. Soon after arriving Alan left and for most of four hours I was there Robert and I spent laughing and working on our pieces while Dodger played in the tall grass.

5:00PM came quick and it was time for us to head home. Robert walked with Dodger and I for a bit before he took off on his bike. Dodger and I walked through Plumber Park where he found some dogs to play with for a bit them we continued our walk home. Once back home I started my laundry, gave Dodger a bath, baked some chicken for dinner, shaved, cleaned my face, soaked on a hot bubble bath and then watched TV.

When I started the “90-365″ journey this time around I knew things in my life were going to change. I knew people in my life were going to change and I was very cool with that. My only request was that God allowed people and things that were true to remain. I asked that distractions be removed even if that meant people who I wanted to hang on to would no longer be there. Today I celebrated “pride” by being happy with where my life is. I celebrated the people and things that are no more and I am welcoming the extra space.