Life Goes On
// June 11th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Me Time
I’ve been busy with LIVING and making sure I am surrounding myself with people who are all about LIVING instead of people who have allowed the fact that they have HIV or AIDS change the path of their life.
So many times I read blogs from people with HIV or AIDS there is always this “poor me” or “victim” tone to them. I must also say that more then 99.9% of the time this only comes from gay men. When I read the blogs of others (heterosexuals) I dont get this at all.
In the time that I have been on this site I have seen some pretty mean and nasty people here who go out of their way to make people feel bad. It’s funny to me how this is done with the mask of “let me help you”
The one thing I have never lost sight of since I was diagnosed with HIV is the clear and undeniable fact that I still have a life to live. Unlike most, I was already battling so much when I was diagnosed….Sickle Cell, Cancer and I was already over a year into homelessness, but I refused to allow any of this, including HIV turn me into one the people I see so much in support groups both on and offline.
I learned right away that the support I would get from so called “support” groups both online and off was not going to work for me. So I needed to do what I have always done…..LIVE and keep LIVING no matter what was going on in my life.
It’s always funny to me how I hear all this crap about stigma surround HIV and AIDS, but the most stigma I’ve faced have come from the gay “community”
I guess what I am saying is this, why does life have to stop when you’re diagnosed HIV positive? Why do we make things harder then they actually are? How are we ever going to move forward past our diagnoses when we refuse to LIVE the amazing lives we still very have? Maybe all that seems to be going wrong in our lives has nothing to do with HIV or AIDS and more far more to do with the fact that we were unhappy, crappy, mean and disconnected people to begin with, but now we can blame it all on HIV or AIDS.
Since my birth over 41 years ago, I made the choice to live against all the odds. Sickle Cell was not going to control my life. When cancer came along, I fought harder and made up in my mind that cancer was not going to win either and now here I stand with 5 battles behind me. Homelessness tried very hard to defeat me and I will be the first to admit that there were times when I was so beat down that I felt like giving up, but I didn’t. Homelessness then got some help from HIV, poor access to care, lousy services and much more, but once again my will to live and get through the storm in my life was far greater then anything any of these things could throw at me.
In a little more then two weeks I will celebrate one year of living in my own apartment. One year of no longer being homeless, one more year of refusing to give up on me, one more year of an amazing life for which I am so humbled, blessed and grateful to have.
So instead of moaning and groaning about how bad your life is since your diagnoses, why not look for the awesome things that are in your life? Why not tell HIV and AIDS to kick rocks and start LIVING your amazing life?
Don’t let another day go by that you forget to LIVE, because LIFE GOES ON!!!!
Last night was the kick off for the Wine & Jazz at Hollywood and Highland last night and it was pretty cool kick off. My met Natalie there, but before she arrived I was able to hang out and take some pictures. I also bumped into someone who has been reading my blog for a while now and she offered to get a wine and cheese box for the both of us if I would drink the second glass of wine.
Angel Food runs and operates the wine booth with all the proceeds benefiting their organization. For those who don’t know, Project Angel Food is a program that provides awesome meals daily to people who are homebound because of HIV or AIDS and other serous illnesses. For a mere $10 you get two glasses of wine and a snack box of cheeses, crackers, fresh fruit and nuts and ever single cent goes to Project Angel Food. SWEET!!! I was able to have a really cool conversation with friend, take some cool pictures before Natalie arrived as well as hear some awesome jazz.
Natalie arrived around 8PM, but this time I was on the second level enjoying the view. The entertainment was on break, so when she walked over to find me, we too were able to have a cool conversation and catch up a little. She works really long days and we’ve been unable to hang out as much. Having the chance to hang was really cool and once we were done with jazz we grabbed a bite to eat at Mel’s.
camera. However I guess I should have asked way more questions when I purchased the camera. I guess this really would not have made a big difference because I purchased it from Fry’s and they don’t have a great reputation for customer service and I am pretty sure they would not have been able to answer any questions that I may have had about the camera.
I’ve had this camera since late 2007. I lost mine in a fist fight down on Skid Row after the Union Rescue Mission refused to honor a bed ticket they issued. Someone who reads my blog and really likes the pictures I take was kind enough to buy me this camera. Right now I have over 20,000 pictures on my Flickr page, but I know I’ve take far more pictures then this.
going out, but the price to replace it is far, far more then I could ever afford. So in order not to let the camera totally die on me, I really started slowing down on the amount of pictures I’ve been taken. Now this has worked for the most part, but in the last three months I’ve seen a huge change in the quality of the pictures I’ve been taking.
Now I know my eyes are bad, but my camera is just no longer taking the awesome pictures and no matter what I did last night all the pictures I took just look lame. This really sucks for me because my pictures have become such a huge part of what I do for those who read my blog, they are a major part of my blogs. They help me to paint the picture of what I am talking about.
Today was Monday which means a sweet day to relax and enjoy. Dodgers poop was much better after our morning walk, so I was really happy about that, plus he seemed to have his swagger back in his walk. This was awesome because I really wanted to go to the ceramic studio today, but if my little buddy wasn’t back to normal then I was just going to chill around the apartment with him.
sure how far it is, but I think it is about 6 miles round trip, maybe a little more. It’s June, so we are experiencing what is called “June Gloom” which means there is a marine layer that hangs around most of the morning and then it burns off giving way for the beautiful California sun. The walk was awesome and along the way Dodger was able to mingle with other dogs and explore. I was able to get some much needed exercise in.
Just like I had hoped for, my pieces were done and ready for me to take home, but what was really cool was the fact that they looked amazing and this made me very happy. Sometimes when I glaze I am not happy with the finished looked, but this time I was blown away buy how they came out. This was now the second time I was really pleased with the finished product. This gave me the energy to create some new pieces and this is exactly what I did.
I had the chance to spend the afternoon with some really cool guys making some awesome art. Dodger had the chance to play in this huge yard where he could explore and play in tall grass, chase cats and squirrels and then lay in the sun to nap. Our walk home was slow and steady. Once again, Dodger explored, mingled with other dogs and enjoyed his time with me and I was able to once again get some much needed exercise in.
5 months I met Dodger and after just a few hours with him, I knew that I wanted very much to keep him. From the time Phillip sent me his picture I thought he was cute little dog, but after he arrived I fell in love with him. After being with him for a few hours I knew I wanted very much to keep him. Later that week when I met with Phillip again to get some extra food for him, I told Phillip I wanted to keep him. I had no idea how saying I want to keep him would change my life.
It seems that I took a break from YOUTUBE at the right time because from what I have seen some people are coming under attack from the all the trolls on YOUTUBE. It’s always funny to me how many people place others on this high as pedestals that they will surely fall down from. I guess in many ways people do this in order to feel better about themselves in some small way. Then when the person does something that they don’t like the person that they’ve placed on this high ass pedestal comes crashing down just like Humpty Dumpty. However this time all the kings horses and all the kings men are not helping to put him back together again. They are kicking him, talking shit about him in order to feel better about themselves once again.
“Christians” or “church building folks” as one youtuber calls them, but when I really look I dont see a difference between the two. They both claim to be “God fearing”, but most of what spews from their lips is evil and hate. How can any of this be pleasing to God? Furthermore how is any of it God like?
I think people who read that bible and profess to know the will and word of God should also be very careful about wishing the wrath of God on anyone, because that same wrath will come for them as well. The same God that see’s the bad that others are doing, also sees the bad that they are doing as well and just because their bible looks the way it does is not an exemption from Gods wrath. I went to school with people who had books that were all marked in and high lighted and all of this, but when it came time for a test they didn’t fair so well.
but when you look close at their own walk, their faith is just as bad, if not worse the the very person they are telling what to do. I mean how can you say you trust God or that you’ve taken something to the “heavenly father” but then turn right around and ask man to help you figure things out? Where is this faith that you speak of? Where is this “trust” that you know so much about? I just look at people who use that bible to beat others to see how what they say the know so much about reveals itself in their life. In doing this I have learned that all they do is talk a good game, but when the storms of life come for them, they are all over the map running in fear instead of doing what they claim to do so well….trusting God.
People should really just learn to walk on their own path and stay the hell off the paths of others, especially since they do not have a heaven or hell to place anyone in and their life clearly does not line up with what has been written in the bible.
If you plan to comment on this blog, do yourself and huge favor and think for yourself. Comment in your own words, not in words you copied from the bible.
It’s been a great relaxing, but very busy past two days for me, I know I haven’t blogged about it, but there was a death in our family and I have been busy babysitting my great nieces and nephew for the past two days so my niece and her husband were able to attend the funeral and the kids could keep their schedules with school.
am saying this cause it just feels so funny to say. For the past two nights I have slept on the futon in my great nephews room and man has that been very uncomfortable. I even think it was bad for Dodger too because at one point her really started to throw a fit. I think I was able to get better sleep last night because I was so tired from all the running around we did, but it was still not a good nights sleep.
Jacque, I cant thank you enough for sending these awesome clothes which allowed me to help some pretty awesome people who are battling HIV as well as people I consider my friends and care for a great deal. I know there are plenty of places you could have sent these clothes and I am so humbled and thankful that you selected what I am trying to do. The guys were very thankful and I know if they could do it in person they would, but since they cant I will do it for them. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
off for a interview with a director for a film project he is working on. Some of the things they are looking for are people who use social networking and bloggers. Now even though I am a huge user of social networks and I blog all the time, this does not assure me a place in this project, but I am sure it gives me a good shot. Plus my friend Alison who is friends with the director told me about it. I also vlog, so that my be a good thing as well. How very cool would it be to get a spot in a film project?
The rest of my Friday with the kids was really cool. Since they always have questions about what I do I thought it would be cool to simply show them. Their parents are really good at making sure they know about many social issues and homelessness is one of them. So I took them with me to shop for items for two different outreaches. One that will take place in August to help homeless people as well as people battling HIV and AIDS. The goal is to get enough supplies to make 600 hygiene kits. I call them Do Something or Life Kits. There will be 300 Do Something and 300 Life Kits.
get supplies for the outreach in August. I wanna extend a huge “THANK YOU” to them for helping me with this effort. Because of their donations I was able to purchase 104 bottles of water and 80 Rice Crispy Treats for the outreach in August.
Before leaving for the store we talked about what we wanted to do. I really wanted them to take charge of this outreach so I told them some things about the people they would meet. After talking about them for a bit I asked them what did they think we should make for them to eat. They suggested turkey sandwiches, with macaroni salad and glazed doughnuts. When I asked them why doughnuts, they said “they need something sweet to cheer them up.”
asked questions about my friends and how I knew them. We talked about how I knew them and once we parked at the beach Farah came over to me and said “Uncle Louis, if you dont have a place to stay again, I will let you sleep in my room ok? I dont want my uncle homeless again.” I smiled at her, gave her a kiss and said “ok sweetie. Thank you.”
As always David had a huge smile when he saw me and right away jumped into one of his stories about teaching kids to play chess. The kids thought he was so cool and very nice. He even offered to teach them how to play chess. Maybe one day soon I will be able to take them back there and David can spend some time teaching them how to play.
they way they asked if we could have ribs for dinner and I told them that the BBQ place was way on the other side of town. This is when they said “we want your BBQ” I laughed, said “ok” and we headed to the store.
Dodger and I walked her down and said goodbye to her, the kids and her husband. He even calls me “uncle Louis.”
homeless as well as battling HIV and AIDS with the help of my awesome friends. What better way to start my weekend, then with family and friends, doing our parts to help those who are in need.
Each time I turn on the TV there seems to be some story about how people have lost their jobs or have been forced to downsize from a super large home to a modest condo. Not long ago one of my viewers told me how her husband had lost his job and how much it took to run the home and live the way they do. She was actually sending me a message complaining that she would have to manage on less then 5 thousand per month.
people think I am doing very well and that homelessness is not something I think about. This could not be further from the truth, there isn’t a day that goes by that homelessness is not a real reality for me. Furthermore there isn’t a month that goes by that I don’t wonder if I will have enough money to pay my rent and bills.
but even that can be hard to do, because I might have to get on the bus to go tot he doctor or on an interview, so saving money to try to be ahead is just not an option, because there is simply nothing to save. Homelessness, eating from trash cans is something I think of often
I know the drill very well with DPSS, I will call at 11:00AM, get a busy signal for about 20 minutes before reaching my worker and then be told one of two things “I am sorry Mr. Carr we made a mistake and your benefits will be fixed in two days” If I say “My rent and bills are due now” the reply will be “I know and I am sorry.” or I will be told “I mailed you an appointment to come see me” this is the one that gets to me the most. I never fail to mail in anything they send me or when I get a letter to call my worker I always call. In fact many times I call her to remind her that we are supposed to meet or talk, but whenever my benefits have been stopped many times this is the answer, even though I never miss anything that does not cause my benefits to be stopped. Why would I miss the single most important thing.
not have a place to stay, which would cause problems for me keeping medical appointments for my HIV, which could cause me to stress far more then I already do which could cause my body to begin to not do a great job defending me against HIV and then I will be starting HIV meds.
I know many people look at me and see what I have been through and say “no more storm” but while the “down pour” in my life is over, the storm clouds are still looming and from time to time they open up to remind me that they are still very much present. I guess what so many people and many so called access centers, missions, shelters and other places that are supposed to help fail to see and fully understand is the fact that “housing” does not mean homelessness is over and “housing” does not mean that helping that formerly homeless person is over. In many ways the work has just begun.
This country seems to care more about bailing out Wall Street, big business, banks and the wealthy, but people like me are considered worthless and not worthy of help. I know our leaders talk a good game, but at the end of the day they go home and sleep very well and don’t give a second thought to people like me.
