Project Kengikat

What’s Up?

// July 17th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Me Time

What’s up? was a blog post that I meant to post on Friday, but never got around to it. I guess better late then never right?

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Seems like it has been such a long tome since I’ve posted a blog, it has only been a few days, but I know some of you are use to me posting daily, so to those who have asked why the blogs have slowed down, where I’ve been, am I ok and what’s up, this blog is just for you.

I guess I should really start out by saying thanks for very to all of you who have sent me emails and text messages checking in on me. I really appreciate that. I also want to say thanks for the prayers and support, this truly means a great deal to me.

“Why have the blogs slowed down?”

To be very honest I’ve been busy some the projects I am working on. This is now taking up so much of my time. I also have my little buddy to look after and he was sort of sick for about two days. I think I may have something to do with the heat. He is fine now and back to his awesome little self.

Another reason for the slow down is that I have not been lead to blog about anything. My blogs always come from things I am feeling, doing and experiencing and with each blog I always want the reader to walk away with something worth while. Just like with my YOUTUBE channel, which has also seen a slow down. There have been a few things I wanted to write about and even talk about, but like I said if I am not moved to do it, then I wont.

“Where have you been?”

I’ve been here, once again, just really busy with the projects I am working on. “Panels” The Living Quilt has beentaking up a great deal of my time. This is my largest project to date. While there has been lots of people saying they are interested and would do it, and 5 guys here in Los Angeles have also said they would be part of it, the bottom line is that this is my dream, my goal, may project, so this means 100% and the concept, design, getting it the attention it deserves and locating people to be part of it all falls down on me. Now I am lucky to have some cool guys here in Los Angeles making panels for the quilt and they too have said they will help where needed, but I need more then just someone saying they will do something, I need to see it. I am no stranger to hard work and getting things done, just like I am no stranger to people saying one thing and doing something totally different.

I am also working on taking my YOUTUBE channel to the next level, it is time for the way I present my message to grow, but I dont want it to look too polished or fake. I want the main focus to still be on the messages I bring and not on the editing. However I do see where there needs to be some growth. So I am working hard on trying to find a good balance. I also started working on a short film of sorts, I dont want to talk too much about it, but so far it is off to a great start and this too has been taking up my time.

The last thing I have been busy with is my outreach for next month. I had lots of people say they will be part of it and help out, but I know more then 90% of this is simply people wanting to make a comment on my videos or on my FACEBOOK note I made about the outreach. The other 10% are the people I can always count on no matter what without excuse. I mailed off 120 letter to local hotels, dental offices, soap companies and today, Friday, I have received about 90% of the answers to my request for support. “NO” or “The economy prevents us from helping” and “We only donate to non-profits” So as of right now it looks like I will fall far short of the goal to make 600 Do Something and Life Kits. However I will do what I can and keep working toward the goal until the time runs out.

“Are you ok?”

Yes, I am fine. I had a few set backs and for two days my lights were off, but things worked out thanks to friends. I had to cancel my HIV labs appointment for last week because I didn’t have the money to go, but once again that all worked out as well. I rescheduled and made it this week and also had other medical appointments I had to go to as well. I’ll go next month to get the results of the HIV labs. I am sure everything will be fine.

I spent most of my day today in the apartment working on my panel for the quilt and spending time with Dodger. Ihad the chance to catch up with friends and later I will have dinner with my friend Natalie. It  will be nice to spend some time with her.

So there is the update and as you can see, I am doing my best to keep my head above water and not let things get to me. My health is good and I feel great for the most part. Everything is everything. I hope you’re all well and once again, thanks very much for all the emails, text messages as well as love and support you’ve sent to me. I really appreciate it.

Spoiled

// July 13th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Me Time

People use to tell me how very spoiled I was as a kid and this is very true, I was very much spoiled. There simply is no way for me to say otherwise. For most of of my adult life the same can be said as well. In fact if you talk with my friend Vanessa she would say I was a “high baller” or the “king of nice all things nice” My friend Sean use to call me “Mr. first class.”, so again, there really is no way for me to say that I didn’t continue the tradition of being spoiled well into my adult life.

I am 41 years old now and my relationship of 15 years has been over for a while and even though we are still the best of friends, the dreams that we once had of having five kids is long behind us. At one point we were talking about 10 kids. I am cracking up as I type this now, and it has nothing to do with my 29 months of homelessness, but more to do with both our lives a very different from what they were. However we both always knew we’d be awesome parents and we’d have awesome kids that were spoiled just like we were as kids and adults.

The closest thing I have to a child is my sweet little Dodger. Dodger is my dog that I got through Animal AdvocatesAlliance. From the time I saw his picture, his face and eyes spoke volumes and when he came not more then 10 hours after seeing that picture of him, those big brown eyes and that lovable face just grew on me. After the first night I knew I didn’t want to foster him, because he was a keeper.

It’s been 6 months and just like I know I was spoiled, my little boy Dodger is so spoiled and I love spoiling him each and every day. Our bond just seems to get stronger each day. The first time Dodger was away from me for only about two hours was when Lee came to take him to get his stitches taken out. I remember walking back in and feeling this emptiness in my apartment. The trip to DC for AIDSWatch was hard for me. After my friend Tina came to pick him up I cried like a girl scout who didn’t sell damn cookies. I really had to pull myself together, pack and get in the shower. I missed him so much while I was away. It was so awesome to see Dodger at the airport when I landed. He barked and jumped when he saw me and my heart felt so damn good. It’s funny how he walks with someone while on his leash, but if he sees me stop then he turns around and pulls back toward me, barking all the way.

I was concerned at first that I would have a hard time keeping up with all I needed to be able to provide for him, so I made certain I joined PAWS to help me with things like food and VET costs. However I have yet to use the pet food from PAWS because just like having a kid I need to make sacrifices for him. I also have some really cool friends who love Dodger almost as much as I do and they too do all they can to spoil him. He only eats natural balance dog food and treats, I allow him to pick his own toys when we go to PETCO and I am very picky at who hold him and is even around him he has a USC leash and collar and I purchased a harness for him as well.

Weekends I take Dodger with my to ceramics, I play in the clay and he plays in the tall grass and gets to chase birds, squirrels and even some cats from time to time. Just like his daddy, Dodger is very picky about who he allows in his space. There is this little dog that comes to ceramics from time to time, but Dodger wants no parts of him. He basically ignores him, however last week he had to get a bit rough with the dog to show him he wanted to be left alone. We spend the entire weekend out walking and exploring. I think he knows when the weekend is here cause as soon as I am up on Saturday he is all hyper and ready to go. After our long days we take a much need nap on the sofa.

Sunday is a special day for Dodger. He knows when I take down his special bowl he is in for a awesome treat because Sunday after we get home from ceramics, after our evening outreach, we both have dinner together. This past Sunday I had some beef stew that I made and so did Dodger. However I mixed his with some of his special treats and some of his dry dog food. It is always so cool to watch him eat food and then see him lick his chops. I picked him up and he is quick to give me a kiss to thank me for his special little treat.

I am so blessed to have this special dog in my life. He is kind, loyal and very loving. To sound like a proud parent, Dodger is the best dog around and there is no one better then him. He is my sexy little dog.

It’s been great being a parent.

Homelessness

// July 11th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

So many times during my 29 months of homelessness I had so many people offer to help me, but their help can with such high pries that I had to pay, so I refused. I was already having to deal with so much crap from the all the agencies I had to deal with. When I was diagnosed HIV positive things only got far worse long before they got any better. My friends had to sit on the sidelines and watch because helping meant the rules of government programs would kick in and they would say “your needs are met Mr. Carr” It’s was like I was being punished for having friends that cared. But, by the grace of God, combined with the love and unconditional support of my friends, the 29 months of homeless is behind me.

It’s been a full year since I moved into my apartment here in Hollywood, I have a great HIV doctor with an amazing support system in place, so the nightmare of HIV is also something that is behind me as well. Dodger my sweet little dog has been such a complete joy to have around. I had the chance to travel back to Washington DC for AIDSWatch, and my outreaches have grown and continue to be support to homeless people and people battling HIV or AIDS. So on all accounts my life is much better then what it was a year ago and I am so happy, thankful and blessed for this.

Even though homelessness is behind me, I still work very hard to serve homeless people and I must say that I still get very angry, pissed off and bothered when I run across people who go out of they way to exploit homeless people. It bothers me even more when I see the people who are doing it claim to be doing “what thus say the Lord”

Last month I saw someone on YOUTUBE making videos about a homeless couple where near where they live. While watching the videos I had to ask myself  why this person was doing this. They clearly had many other issues that they needed to deal with and I knew that this person has no idea of how to help a homeless person. With her camera in hand she showed the license plate of the homeless couple and even disclosed where they were sleeping. Things that can pose clear danger for people who are homeless.  She even covered the seats in her car while the homeless woman was in her car. Her entire set of videos showed her lack of common sense , compassion or even the smallest amount of care or concern for the people she started to call her “friends”

Just like I knew would happen she quickly dropped her mission to help homeless people saying in a comment on one of her videos “you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink” When I saw this comment from her I have to say the last ounce of respect I had for her was gone. This woman claims that she was once homeless, but she makes statements that clear show she was never homeless and had no intention of helping this homeless couple, she only wanted to try to take the attention off the mess she created.

The way she simply used these homeless people they was she did was disgusting and down right mean. Then to simply walk away and say something like “you can lead a horse to water……” was nothing but a bunch of bullshit. First of all she has no business leading anyone any place. Then for her to say she did it to bring attention to the homeless issues is just sick.

Homeless people have plenty of crap they must deal with and shot they must endure for a system that is beyond repair. They should not have to deal with people like this woman and her sick mind leading them wrong  and making things far worse then what they already are.

Many people ask me what I do what I do and why I care so much for homeless people and I must say that it is because I was homeless and had to deal with all the harnesses and even crap like this couple had to endure from this woman. I do it because I care and I know people are in need of support.

This woman used this people and what she did was wrong and I dont care how many comment of her videos and tell her what a great lady she is or how much God will bless her for doing what she has done, I know and so do many other people the real reason why she went out of her way to exploit homeless people and it had nothing to do with caring for them and wanting to raise awareness for the horrible homeless issue in this nation.

But I guess when you can quote bible verses, make videos where you claim to be a true child of God, when you shout up and down about how God will “get” other people, I guess this excuses you for being human. This some how gives you the green light to look down on people and act all high and mighty.

Well guess what, the same wrath that you talk about is going to happen to other people, please tell me what will happen to you? Does God not see all that you do? Does he not see the hate that LIVES inside of you? People like you are going to bust hell wide open.

The Living Quilt

// July 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Me Time

From the time I was told I was HIV positive I’ve always wanted to do more to raise awareness and bring a better understanding to HIV and AIDS. Not long after being diagnosed I did my very first HIV and AIDS outreach in Long Beach California. In 2009, one year after my diagnoses I created Unpluggin’ HIV~empowering a positive life which offers peer support, new and gently used shoes and clothes, cell phone, meals hygiene items and other items to people battling HIV and AIDS who are either homeless or low income.

Even with the creation of my second outreach, I still felt like I could do so much  more then what I am currently doing. I had this idea in my head about what I wanted to do and how I would do it, but never did anything to make the idea a reality. However after my trip to Washington DC for AIDSWatch I knew my idea needed to be more just a thought in my head, so I began to think it through and work it all out. I knew I could do it, I knew it would be lots of work and I knew people would say I was being foolish and there would be no way this would help anyone. I’ve heard all this and so much more when I first started Do Something Saturday~that empowers people way back in 2007 when I was homeless.

I knew my friends would be very supportive of my idea, they are always very supportive, but for this idea I wanted to see if there were some other people who might want to be involved with me. My first call was to my friend Travis and just like I thought, he was very supportive. At this point it was full steam ahead. I mentioned it my my friend Brian and right away her was so excited. Later the next week we met at my place and talked about my idea.

I know you’re reading this and you’re saying “what is the idea already” Ok, ok, so my idea is to create a quilt for people who are LIVING with HIV or AIDS here in the United States. If you’re thinking that the AIDS Quilt is for people living with HIV or AIDS, then let me be the first to tell you that the AIDS Quilt is for people who have died. The AIDS Quilt is a very good tool to pay honor and tribute the men, women and children who have died due to AIDS, but I wanted to pay honor, restore dignity, respect, pride and encourage people LIVING with HIV and AIDS.

The Living Quilt is the name of my new project and already it is gaining support from people throughout the United States. You might be wondering why my idea only addresses HIV and AIDS here in the United States, well the reason is because here in the United States there are over a million people living with HIV and as of July 8th, 2010 there are over 2,200 people in 12 states on waiting list for ADAP. (AIDS Drug Assistance Program)

By focusing in on the HIV and AIDS crisis right here in the United States, I believe this will raise awareness for the over a million people who are battling HIV and AIDS, moreover it will create is visible marker for our leaders to look to and see how many lives they are affecting when they flat fund Ryna White programs, refuse to address the ADAP crisis and allow AMERICANS to die because of their inability to act in the best interest of this nations people.

Furthermore AIDS is the number 1 killer of Blacks in this nation and as a Black man I refuse to sit by and do nothing. Blacks have always been disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS and in my opinion, education, prevention and access to care have also always been either lacking or non-existent for Blacks. Again I refuse to sit by and allow this to go unchecked. I also refuse to make this about “community” and “gay” I think the two things that promote most of the stigma around HIV and AIDS and that it has been made into the “gay” disease or a “community” issue. HIV and AIDS is a HUMAN condition and as HUMANS we need to address it as such.

Thursday my friends Brian, Glen, Robert and I headed to Downtown Los Angeles to Michael Levine to get our supplies for our panels for the quilt. We had such a blast shopping and the conversation we shared over lunch was awesome. I so looking forward to seeing how my new project will unfold and how many people will get involved. In April of 2011 the four of us plan to travel to Washington DC to attend AIDSWatch, speak with our leaders to share this project and maybe even meet with others from around the country who might be willing to join us.

So it’s off to a great start and I am very happy to see that the idea that was in my head is now a reality and moving forward to bring awesome change for people living with HIV or AIDS here in the United States. If you or someone you know is HIV positive and would like to be part of this project, then please feel free to contact me for information on the project at thelivingquilt@gmail.com

You can follow the progress of The Living Quilt on YOUTUBE http://www.youtube.com/user/TheLivingQuilt

So today I spent the better part of my day working on my panel for the quilt and I must say I am very happy with how things are turning out. While my sewing skills are very primitive and my design skills are even worse, my passion for making things better for homeless people and people battling HIV and AIDS is priceless. My willingness to do all that I possible can to help others has always been a huge part of who I am, so as I embark on another journey with another huge project I am embracing it and asking God to bless it, because I know that it is only because of God, his grace, mercy and favor for my life that I am still here. It is the same grace, mercy and favor that has allowed me to grow in the midst of all the adversity in my own life.

I am so looking forward to the awesome journey that is about to unfold before me with this project and working with these three very talented and gifted men.

There are over a million people battling HIV or AIDS in the United States and  many of them suffer in silence, guilt, shame and alone. I am hoping that with this quilt many people with HIV will see that there is no reason to be alone, no reason for them to hide in the HIV closet, no reason for any guilt or shame. I hoping that through the effort of making a panel for the quilt this will encourage someone living with HIV to speak about, share their experience and start the healing process.

I am hoping that this quilt will bring a new understanding of just how many people in this country are infected with HIV or AIDS. I am hoping that the panels which are made by people living with HIV or AIDS all of us will begin to see and understand just how HIV and AIDS affects people in this nation.

Just the other day I was speaking to someone who HIV positive and she had no idea that there were over a million people with HIV or AIDS in America. Just in taking the time to speak with her and offer her peer support and friendship over the last four months she has been able to speak to her family about having HIV. The coolest thing was when she called me in tears to tell me that her family didn’t react the way she thought they would. She told me how very supportive they were, how they want to make sure she has all that she needs to fight HIV and live a long happy life. When I first met her, she had the outlook that she would not live a long life with HIV, but when I told her that there are studies that show people with HIV are living just as long and many even longer then people who are not infected with HIV or AIDS, the look on her face was one of amazement and great joy. Right away she asked if this was true.

I am so hoping that victories and many awesome stories will come from people who make panels for The Living Quilt. I am hoping that people will find support that works for them and truly inspires, empowers, respects, restores their dignity and love for self and life. I know this sounds like a lot to get from simply sewing a panel for a quilt, but I see first hand how the eyes of Brian, Glen and Robert have lit up when we speak about the quilt. My own personal experience with bringing this idea to life has been one of great joy. I am going to use the shirt and pants I had on the night I was diagnosed as patches on my quilt. In addition I am also using some items from my friends to help create my quilt.

For me, my panel represents healing some old scars, moving forward with the work I currently do as well as celebrating my awesome, rich, full, abundant and blessed life that I have. It will also celebrate my amazing friends who have stood by me. My panel will represent my courage, strength and of course my FAITH.

New Laptop

// July 4th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Me Time

I know some people might be reading the title of this blog and say “How did he buy a new laptop?” Well I didn’t buy a new laptop, but one of the residents from my Skid Row outreach did and he called me to ask if I would help him. I was excited for him, so of course I said yes.

It’s the 4th of July, so I needed to check to make sure the store he wanted to go to was open, I also wanted to check the train schedule to see how they were running as well. Most importantly I wanted to make certain my cell phone was fully charged and not acting like a crackberry like it has been doing for the past two weeks. You can never be too careful when riding METRO here in Los Angeles. I guess this is true for anyone who rides public transportation all over this country.

Last week I was able to get some informational books on healthy living with HIV from Louis at the Gay and Lesbian Center. I also had a pill container that was passed out while I attended an HIV update through Being Alive. I packed these items into my backpack to take with me to Skid Row and leave them in the TV room for the residents. I am hoping to be able to get some POZ Magazines to take down there as well. I am still waiting to hear back from someone at POZ. As much information on HIV and AIDS that I can make available to the residents means the more tools they have to help them live long and healthy lives with HIV or AIDS.

Things started off pretty smooth. Since the fair machines inside the station do not accept METRO issued coins for the METRO issued TAP card that we must now carry, I had to jump on a bus, instead of walking the four blocks to the METRO Red Line. Seem rather odd that I can get a day pass with the METRO issued coins on a METRO bus, but not at a METRO fair station inside the METRO stations. This is almost as odd as not having agents inside the stations should someone need to ask questions, fair cards stop working or if there is some emergency.

Once off the bus and down into the station I could here the train arriving at the platform. I was able to TAP my card and dash through the gate and make the train right as the doors were starting to close. This was sweet and meant that I would arrive in Downtown Los Angeles at least 30 minutes faster then I thought I would. The train was pretty empty, so I was able to get a seat. With the holiday this didn’t surprise. I was at the Vermont street station in no time and this is where I would make my transfer to the METRO Rapid 720 bus. I have learned to make the transfer at this station instead of riding to Pershing Square station and then have to walk 4 blocks to get the 720 bus. At Vermont the 720 is right up stairs.

Things didn’t go so well on the 720. The bus was packed, the driver seemed to be having a bad day and the bus smelled like a gang of shit filled diapers. There was no air and no matter where you tried to stand things were tight. I made my way toward the back of the of the bus through the extended section and once through the extended area there was plenty of room, even seats so I sat down. I had my shuffle on, so at first I did not notice the loud noise coming the group of drunks behind me, but after about 2 minutes on the bus, things went south. Two guys rushed past where I was sitting, down the set of steps and turned around yelling towards the back of the bus. When I saw one flip the finger toward someone in the back, I pressed pause on my shuffle. Another guy was pulling the one yelling towards the back and speaking to him in Spanish. From what I could understand he was telling him, to let it go and they should just get off the bus. The other guy wasn’t willing to let it go. He kept yelling at the guy a few seat behind me in the back. This is when I heard from behind me “Shut the fuck up before I kill you.”

The guy standing near me was no longer as brave as he first was and began to move toward the front of the bus pushing his way through the crowd and the extension area. Since I was in the back area where you must go up two steps my seat had a clear shot of the driver in her mirror. The two guys started talking to her and the look in her face was not very comforting. I saw her read for phone and start talking. This is when I heard the woman seated behind me say in a soft voice to the woman next to her “He has a gun”

While talking on the phone the driver kept driving like normal, but since this is a Rapid there was no stops for her to make. However she was driving very slow and when the time came to make the turn onto 6th street she sat there for a very long time. She finally made her turn but continued to drive very slow. We pulled into the next stop and about 10 minutes later there were police all around the bus. From the time this took place until it ended with us having to get off the bus and board another bus it was 35 minutes. What sticks out most for me is the fact that it took the police over 12 minutes to respond. I never saw a gun, but I do know someone was placed in handcuffs. I have always said that METRO puts profits in front of public safety. This can also be said about the new programs they roll out. Just like TAP card that riders must pay to get and pay to load them as well. However if they don’t work METRO you must mail them back to an outside contractor for METRO.

I was really happy to finally be able to exit the bus and get on the new one. I was even more happy when I got off,because just as he pulled up to my stop a fight broke out in the center of the bus. As I walked down the street the bus remained at the stop with it’s emergency lights blinking. Sometimes riding METRO can be a real nightmare. I am glad that even in the midst of all of this mess, no one was hurt and I was able to get to where I was going.

We walked to Office Depot and I showed Donald the computers we had already spoke about on the phone. He asked questions and I was able to answer them for him. After about 15 minutes he decided to go with a Toshiba. He also picked a shoulder bag to carry it. We headed to the check out, grabbed some drinks from Starbucks and I spent the rest of the afternoon helping him get all set up and show him some things on his computer. I even able to help him when he called the cable company to get set up with wireless service.

Donald is one of the very first residents I met when I first started my outreach on Skid Row, he is someone I care for a great deal. He is also someone who is in full control of living with HIV, not afraid to ask questions, seeks out advice, support and education on HIV and so many other things. He is someone I am always happy to see and speak to. He is a long term survivor and someone I look up to, admire and respect. He is also someone I consider as my friend. He is always so kind and always so eager to help and provide assistance. He can also make you crack up laughing too.

It’s was a real treat to see how happy he was to purchase a laptop for himself. So cool to see the sparkle in his eye and the joy in his voice when he talked about his independence and how he is eager to learn about using the laptop. It was the perfect way for me to spend this 4th of July, helping someone gain more of their own independence.

I can hardly wait to see him on FACEBOOK and make SKYPE calls with him. I am so very proud of him and how is is working very hard to live a great, happy, healthy and productive life. Just to see the smile on his face was so damn awesome.

The ride home on METRO was very quiet and danger free, which was very nice. Once home I made a scrambled eggsandwich, took Dodger for a walk, spoke with a friend and then kicked back. Tomorrow is Monday and I going to the ceramic studio. I’ve got some really cool things I am working on that I am so looking forward to completing. Plus I have at least five pieces that should be ready to be fired.