Project Kengikat

In Over Three Years

// August 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

It’s been 3 and half years since I created Do Something Saturday and over a year since I created Unpluggin’ HIV. I created both outreaches while I was homeless. I’ve lost count of how many homeless people I have spoken to, how many I have helped and how many outreaches I’ve done.  I’ve lost count of how many meals, pairs of socks, hygiene kits, granola bars and I’ve even lost count of how much time I’ve spent doing all I can to try to make things better for those I encounter.

If someone told me that I would be typing a blog such as this, or that I would be doing the work I’ve created and doing it for free, I would have said “not me” This is not to imply that I was once a selfish or uncaring person, but I cared far more for myself then anything else. It was all about me and anything else was second.

I will say that I’ve always had this desire to help people, this want to make things better and for as long as I can recall I’ve always wanted to some how, in some way make a difference. At a very early age I learned that money does not equal happy and it does not equal good. I learned at an early age that strength of character means far more and will carry me a whole hell of a lot further in life then a fat bank account or a fancy car could ever do. I learned that hard work and determination are required far more then having money. I’m glad I learned these lessons early in life, because without them I would have believed all the lies I was told about how I could not make a difference or that being homeless and now poor would prevent me from helping or doing anything that is worth anything.

What I have learned since creating my organization is that many people believe that unless I am a non-profit, work in a fancy building, wear a fancy suit, drive a fancy car that I am unable to help people. I’ve met people who say they will help with an outreach or with supplies for hygiene kits but in the end they are no different then the first group of people. In many way they are far worse and I must say that I have far less respect for. It least the first group says flat out “NO”  They dont comment on my blogs or vlogs about things they will do only to do nothing in the end. They say “NO” right up front, while the other simply lie.

What I have learned from corporations is that nothing comes before profit. I remember as a kid how you could write to a company and they would at least consider your request for help, but those days are long gone and have been replaced with companies setting up their own way of giving back that better suits and protects their bottom line. Many companies only use certain organizations and will not even consider others.  Such organization then become clearing houses and again will only deal with certain organizations. Now I am not pointing the finger and trying to say that this is all bad, I am sure there are great things that come from much of this new way of helping. All I am saying is that it is very limited and very selective or what I would call “inside the box” way of thinking and helping.

So the lessons I learned as a kid about hard work and determination play key roles in every single thing I do. Without these lessons I would have given up a very long time ago. Instead they have taught me to work harder and find new ways of helping people. What I have tried so hard to do since the start.

I really like how President Obama has sparked a new wave of getting people involved in helping each other, but I dont like how it limits how people like me can be involved. I dont like how the thinking behind it is still the old way of doing things, very much the “inside the box thinking” I dont like how it encourages people to go through large organizations as if to say individuals or small grass roots organizations can’t make a difference.

Anyone can make a difference, anyone can create positive CHANGE on this planet. You dont have to have lots of money, you dont have to have non-profit after your name, you dont need to go through so large organization plagued by red tape and bureaucracy. You can make a difference in small ways even large ways by doing it with a group of friends. All it takes is a desire to want to be part of something that is good, be willing to work hard, think outside the book and think about others before thinking of yourself.

As for me, I will not allow the “NO” from companies stop me from helping people and I will not allow the lip service from people who comment on my blogs and vlogs prevent me from doing all I can to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS.

In over three years I have met some awesome people who truly care about humanity, who are truly willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work required to make this nation great again and a better place for all of us. In over three years I have learned that bigger isn’t always better, larger doesn’t mean you can do more and having money and a non-profit status does not mean you are better suited to help anyone.

The Need To Be Right

// August 23rd, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Uncategorized

Sometimes I find it so hard to understand why people are the way they are. Why they do the things they do, but when I stop making it so hard, the simple answer is always right under my nose. Sometimes we tend to look for the hard answer because we want to really believe that must have some deep seeded reasons for why they are the way they are and many times the real reason is very simple.

No matter what I type on this blog or what I say on my vlogs, someone is going to do their best to correct me so they can feel like they are right. Someone is always going to say or suggest that MY EXPERIENCE is another way. The funny thing is that even if I type it or vlog it the way they want, they will still find a reason to take issue. Now I could spend all day wondering why this is or just simply understand that people like this are unhappy and no matter what I say or do they will still be unhappy, even if I go along with what they want, so and do things the way they want, they will still be unhappy. The reason for this is because they are not happy with themselves, so they run around doing all they can trying to make other people feel just as bad as they do.

I refuse to debate with people like this, I refuse to engage them, because at the end of the day, they will always need to be right and will make everything in their life about being right.

There are plenty of draw backs and downsides to being as open as I am about being formerly homeless, for being so open about being gay and HIV positive here on my blog and vlog. There are times when I wish I could simply walk away or not move forward. There are times when I cry and times where I am very upset and angry.

I knew that by me standing up for anything there is always going to be people who will come for me. I know that people hate me for being Black, for being gay and for being HIV positive. I know people hate me and think less of me because I was once homeless. But even with knowing all of this I am still not willing to squash who I am or allow my voice to be silenced. I refuse to be made to feel like I am not worthy or that my thoughts, ideas and contributions are not just as valuable then anyone else’s.

Friday August 20th

// August 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Me Time

Like any other day for me Friday started out with me asking Dodger is he wanted to go for a walk. His answer is always the same. He wags his tail and begins to bark at me as if he is saying yes. So I get up, make some coffee, take a shower and then off we go for our morning walk.

Neither one of us slept very good last night because DEXTER was being filmed down the street from me, which meant there was plenty of noise all day long. Early Thursday morning they began to set up for the film shoot and right away my day started out rough. Like most people I really hate being woke up. Once up and mad I made some coffee only to realize that I did not have any cream. This meant leaving sooner to walk Dodger, so I could get my cream and not worry about him going in the apartment.

Like me Dodger was grumpy, as soon as we were out the front door to the building he began to bark at the people parking trucks and setting up for the film shoot. Since I was way more pissed then he was I didn’t tell him to stop and I gave him just enough slack on his leash to scare the crap out of them. This is when I was told that I could not walk him down the street where I live.

“Sir we are setting up and need for you to walk your dog some place else.” I was told

Now why in the world would this woman speak to me? Her and her fuckin crew just woke me up, it was 6:30AM and I was out of cream for my coffee. I simply looked at her like I did not hear a word she said.

“Sir!!! Did you hear what I just said?” raising her voice like she was agitated.

I turned around and looked at her, by this time she was right behind me and I said “Do you own this street? You only paid for there to be no parking on this street is that correct? So where in the fuck do you get off telling me I can’t walk my dog on the street where I live?”

Before I would allow her to answer, I reminded her that people live in the building where she and her crew had set up shop in the walkway, blocking the residents from exiting and entering the building. I then told her that I did not appreciate being rudely awaken by laughter and cigarette smoke, nor did I like her yelling at me like I was someone on her little staff.

“You dont own this street lady, so do not walk up behind me like your name is Mrs. Hollywood, furthermore stop making al this damn noise.”

Dodger was growling at  her the entire time and as I turned to walk away he barked a few times as if he was telling her “Now shut the hell up talking to us, trick.”

This morning was very different, there was no noise, no film project, no rude lady and I had cream for my coffee. When Iwalked outside there was no one to tell me that I could not walk Dodger on my street. In fact Dodger and I saw a few of his little friends and each of talked about how the filming of DEXTER was a complete pain the ass while our dogs played with each other.

After our visit with our friends and after of long walk, Dodger and I sat on the sofa while I read my book and Dodger attacked his new toy until he fell asleep. I was with him in that one. I read about three chapters and took a nap as well.

I was napping very well until my phone rang. It was my friend Natalie wanting to stop by and drop off the recycling she had in her trunk. She saves her plastic bottles for me and I am able to use this for pocket change. To be very honest this pocket changed has paid my gas bill for the past year, so it has been well worth the trouble to bag the plastic bottles up.

Dodger and I went out for another walk shortly after seeing Natalie and this time we were gone for about an hour. We also packed some cold water in my backpack to pass out to homeless people while we were out. Just like always we had the chance to speak to some pretty cool and interesting homeless people and as always we ran out of water before we knew it.

I wanted to get a head start of the work that I need to get done for my outreaches, but for some reason I really knew I needed to be away from my apartment to get this done. So I counted the change that I had in my change jar which was just enough to buy an iced tea and one refill at the local cafe not too far from my apartment.

As soon as I walked in the front door of the cafe, I heard someone call me name. Right away I saw a face I had not seen in such a long time and by long I mean since I graduated from Santa Monica High in 1987. I spent the afternoon sitting with someone I knew from high school and after our little visit I must say that this person is not someone I know now and is not anyone I would want to have in my life. It’s always funny to me how I run into people I knew when I was in high school and I walk away feeling like “wow, you are just like you were in high school………..childish”

I moved away over to the window of the cafe to try to get some work done. I was able to complete some things, but after a while I gave up and decided to blog. It’s a beautiful day here, the sun is shinning, warm, but not uncomfortable. My tea was nice and cold and I had a great time being out of the apartment.

I will say that I truly miss living in Santa Monica, there is just something so nice about living near the water. Something cool about being able to just walk down to the beach and sit near the water. Something so nice about being able to walk to internet cafe’s and libraries. Something very cool about the smell of the air. However today after sitting here at the spendy cafe I now know there is something nice about being able to walk just a few blocks away to see all the fancy people rush by in their fancy cars. Something nice about sipping ice tea while listening to people talk about how great their life is, but complain about their relationships or job, something nice about hearing people talk about things that sound like so much fun, but they sound so unhappy or unfulfilled.

There is something so nice about just being able to be happy, simply content with who I am and where my life is. Something so cool about having Dodger waiting for me to come home, something so cool about the little things in my life, something so cool about knowing that there is so much more to life then news, weather, sports and money.

I guess what I am saying is that there is something really cool about having peace, something really cool about living a life of purpose. Something very cool about knowing who you are, something very cool about completing yourself. There is just something very cool about being in love with all aspects of who you are and knowing that at the end of the day all the fancy shit dont matter.

So while I would love to be living in Santa Monica, I am happy with where I am now and I am not going to postpone being happy until…….. My “happy” is right now, it is every single day.

Fancy Doesn’t Make It Better

// August 14th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

For the past two months I’ve worked pretty hard on making my website match the stylish look of my blog, but in the end all the time and energy was simply a huge waste of time. Once I launched the website I learned that the company I went with to help build the new offered no live customer support and what was even worse was the fact that they did not support my blog. Email support is all they were able to offer and this was only 24 to 48 hours after you contact them.

“We are just like Google and FACEBOOK, we only offer text based support” is what one rep said in an email to me. Funny thing is that I don’t pay Google or FACEBOOK one red cent, so why would she compare their service that I have to pay for to a free service was really beyond me. I guess this is the new age of doing business where the customer is the enemy and you avoid them at all cost. This experience reminded me that nothing replaces good old fashioned face to face contact. I say old fashioned because it would seem that in the age of doing everything online and  internet friends we have some how lost the importance of human contact in our daily lives. I also learned that online companies can offer the world and only deliver crap and if you are not careful they will get away with your money.

In the end, my website is back to the basic design, no flash in the pants and nothing fancy. Just a clean, clear basic approach to my work. I am learning what my parents told me a long time ago when they told me that “fancy doesn’t make it better. It just makes it nice to look at.” My website was created by someone who knows me and knows the work that I do. Not only this, he is a friend and has been very involved with the work I do. I guess what I am saying is that I have learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am very thankful and appreciative for what I have.

Ok, so having said all of this, let me move forward with the point of this blog. In addition to spending all this time working on my website I also worked on a letter asking companies for in kind donations for my Do Something and Life Kits. For those who do not know what the kits are, they are hygiene kits for people who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS.

I looked at plenty of letters online and even called a few places to get copies of their letters. The result ended in my trying to make what I do more like other places. I used models that are not my own and end result was 100 returned letters saying “NO” But just like with the website I learned a very valuable lesson.

What I do is very unique and not like any other outreach or organization. My outlook is from experience and from actually living through what I am trying to help people with. It’s from talking directly to the people I try so hard to serve and really paying attention to their concerns. It comes from really caring about the work I do, putting people ahead of simply being a large organization that does very little to help people. The people who have supported my efforts without fail time and time again as just as unique because they put humanity before politics, love before conditions, respect before guilt and love before shame or guilt.

Today I am taking all this in, consider just how special and unique my organization, the outreaches, the people I serve and the people who help me do it truly are. As I consider and take all this I have found that the letters I sent out asking for help with the items for the Do Something and Life Kits were not reflective of the work I do. They made no compelling case for the work I do and offered no difference from all the other letters for requests I am sure all of these companies receive each and every day.

As I plan to write the request letter again, I am keeping in the front of my mind that “fancy does not mean anything otherthen fancy” It is more important for me, my heart and soul to be in every letter for support I send out. I must make a compelling case in order for any company to truly consider an in kind donation to my work. I must shine, I must stand out from the rest. I am not saying that this will automatically get companies to sit up, take notice and give, but it will send a clear message that we all need to do all we can to make a huge difference in this world.

I know many people reading this will say “you need to apply for non-profit status” but they have no idea what this involves or what it means. Furthermore this does not automatically qualify me for any funding whatsoever. All I truly need to do is what I have done for the over three years now and what I have created will continue to grow and make a huge difference for people in need. It will continue to educate, empower and inspire people to get involved with the process of CHANGE that is good for all HUMANITY and not just one community.

As I close this blog I am reminded of the woman who was slave in the house of the man who had leprosy and it was her, the slave, the lowest of the low who was able to take him to the person who could heal him. I am reminded that I don’t need to hold any high position, have a fancy title behind my name, sit at a fancy desk, eat meals with fancy people, hold elected office or seek permission or approval from anyone to make a difference. All I really need to do is believe and be willing to work as hard as I can to make it happen.

It’s funny the lessons we learn as kids come back in later years to help us move forward on our paths.

Thursday

// August 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Homeless Outreach

This week has been both productive and difficult at times, but for the most part it has been a very rewarding and blessed week for me.

My week started with a trip to see my doctor to get lab results for my HIV as I stated in my blog, I wasn’t the least bit concerned about the outcome of the labs. The first reason was because I knew I was still fine and the second reason is because even if I was told I needed to start HIV meds, I know I now have a great doctor and awesome support staff there at the clinic that will get me through it. I know that with my faith and will combined with them, things will be just fine.

The only thing that was on my radar is the fact that there is a history of heart disease as well as other things in my families history and I need to make sure I am doing all I can to make certain I don’t go down the same road. While it was good to talk with my doctor about this and she was able to offer some expert advice and direction, the ultimate outcome is all in my hands. I have to eat right, make sure I am getting plenty of rest and I need to exercise. Bottom line is this, my doctor can give me all the information, advice and support there is, but if I dont start changing how I view food as well as spend more time exercising then the road that I want to avoid I will surely go down and I will have no one to blame for this but myself.

I also had the cool chance to spend some time with one of the guys from my Skid Row outreach and get to know him better as well as give him some information on how to go about correcting and dealing with some of the things he now has in front of him as it pertains to ADAP and Medi-Cal. Thanks to the support of my Keep-n-Touch program I was able to purchase a phone for him that will allow him to stay better connected to the things he needs to stay on top of. Not having a way to contact people, be in control of things you need to take care of and always having to depend on others to get messages or make phone calls can be very discouraging and even depressing for someone who is doing all they can to make things better for themselves. My Keep-n-Touch program allows me to supply a free prepaid cell phone to those in need. It may not seem like much to many people, but I know from experience that having a cell phone is a real connection and allows you to stay in control of some things in your life, while others are in charge of so much more.

Quality Products

One major set back this week came in the form of my video camera breaking on me. I’ve had some problems with the camera for a while now. Slowly but surely the camera has been in what I have called “shut down” mode and Wednesday afternoon the camera finally shut all the way down. JVC has been no help with this other then offering tech support that I must pay by the hour for or by shipping the camera to them and allowing them to repair it for far more then the camera is even worth. However they did say that if I ship them the camera and they find that the problem is something that is defective, they would cover most of it, but since the camera is past the one year warranty I would have to pay for some of the cost to fix it. So how this does not seem right, the camera could be defective, but I would still have to pay.

Whatever happened to the day when the customer was KING? Where companies made quality products that lasted forever? What happened to the days when you could by something and it would be around for many, many years? I recall things in my grand parents and even my great grand parents home that had been in their lives forever. How is that companies are allowed to make lousy products, that cost so much, but you get far less then what you paid for them?

BE OF YOUR WORD

Another thing I have noticed is that I am pulling away from certain people from YOUTUBE because they have volunteered or offered things and time and time again they never come through. Furthermore they act as if they have never volunteered or offered. For me this speaks to their character and the person they truly are. I am not saying they are bad people, just that they are people whose word no longer means a thing to me. Once I get to the place where your word no longer means anything, it isn’t long before I start to pull away. As I type this I am thinking about a call I received this week from someone who I had to step away from last year, she wanted to call to offer her apology and wanted to see if things could be different. She also tried to engage me in conversation, but I was not about to go back down a dead end road. I thanked her for calling and told her it was water under the bridge and not to worry about it. I then told her I hoped she was well and said goodbye. It is impossible for me to maintain any sort of relationship with someone who does not keep their word.

Hygiene Supplies

Wednesday shortly after coming home I had a knock on my door, when I opened it the UPS guy was there with a box. The box came from someone on YOUTUBE, who wanted to help me with hygiene supplies for my outreach. Inside the box were items such as toothpaste, deodorant and razors along with a very nice card. Let me tell you a little bit about this person, first she is a teenager and all we ever seem to hear, see or read in the news about teenagers is all bad. But here is one who reached out to me a while back after viewing one of my cooking videos where my family and I were doing an outreach to Chess Park at Santa Monica Beach. She wanted to help me with my outreach, she wanted to help me help those who are in need. A teenager stepping to the front of line and saying “I want to help” and not just that, but making sure she was allowed to help by staying on top of me and reaching out several times to remind me that she was willing to help.

This young lady saved her allowance and purchased items that will be used to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS. This young woman suited up and showed up, without excuse for people who are in need. She didn’t place empty comments on my blog or vlog, but she gave me her word and she followed through and this speaks volumes to the mother she has and the values instilled in her. It speaks volumes of the type of teenager she is and the amazing woman she will become.

Peer Support

So last month I was able to go with Donald as he made his purchase of his laptop. He saved his money and asked me to o with him to make assist him in selecting a new laptop. Since then I’ve had the huge honor of helping him learn his computer and once again today I have the huge honor of helping him once again.

Donald is someone I met through my HIV outreach on Skid Row and right away there was just something about him that stood out. He has become someone I consider as a friend, someone I care a great deal for, but more then this he has become someone I truly admire, respect and look up to. He is a massive inspiration to me and is someone who is beating the odds against HIV. He is someone you will never read about on some CDC report and is someone you may never see in some magazine, but for me he is the cream of the crop. He is kind, caring and damn funny. I look forward to visiting with him because it is always so much fun, but most of all I look forward to the pearls of wisdom he drops in my life each and every time I see or speak with him. Wisdom that you can’t get from a book, on a job or from any school, but the kind of wisdom that you must stop dead in your tracks to soak in, wisdom that can’t come from rushing things or by pretending, but the kind of wisdom that you must sit and allow to settle into your soul. Wisdom that comes from someone who has lived a rich life filled with great joy and even some sorrow that the soul is so ready to give to all who welcome it.

As a kid growing up I had the huge privilege of having what I called “elders” in my life. I use to want to go visit them and just sit and listen to their amazing stories from their rich lives and each time I would walk away with wisdom and a great feeling of encouragement. I had great respect and a greater reverence for the “elders” in my life and in many ways  Donald has become an “elder” in my life. I can count on one had, three fingers in fact, the “elders” I now have in my life and they are my great Aunt Loraine, my Aunt Emma and Donald. I am so richly blessed and honored to have them in my life.

I will spend my Thursday afternoon doing what some call “peer support” with my friend Donald, but in reality I will spend my Thursday afternoon in the company of my “elder” soaking in all the wisdom he allows to flow from his soul.

What A Change

// August 9th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Dr. to get my HIV lab results, last month I went for my blood draw ans tomorrow I will know where I stand. I’ve been going to this Dr. for over a year now and all I can say is that things are no longer like they use to be. I am no longer stressed over HIV, nor I am worried that my HIV will lead to AIDS and then to my death and this is all because I now have a Dr. and a clinic who I trust without question. I have people who care for me and will do all they can to keep me healthy and alive. This is such a huge change from the way things use to be.

I’ve heard many people in the HIV arena say “there are no barriers to care here in Los Angeles” and each time I have heard this it has come from a someone who is white and has no clue what it means to live on the street or even struggle just a little bit. I am not playing the race card or making this about race, I am just calling it what it is. I’ve not once heard anyone other then a white person say such bullshit.

I was diagnosed with HIV in Carson/Torracne at Harbor UCLA Medical Center, this is a county facility, I was homeless at the time. The hospital discharged me to Bell Shelter way out in the city of Bell. Nearly three hours away by bus. I was then expected to come back to the HIV clinic for my HIV care. They knew I was homeless and they knew I had no transportation, so how was I to get there? Not once did they offer other options for my care that would better suit my situation, not once did they ask if this would be a problem for me getting to appointments. I know you are saying, “well you should have asked” The answer for you is that I did ask, I did raise concerns, I did ask for other options and non were given.

There was a time I just knew I would be dead soon from HIV leading to AIDS, not only could I not get to appointments I had no clue of just how sick I was. I had no idea why I wasn’t on meds and everywhere I turned there seemed to be more of the same “just be patient” How can you be patient when you’re told you have HIV and you now have to try to get to a clinic that is miles away. Furthermore I still had this huge staff infection on my lower back and could barely walk.

I dreaded Dr’s appointments because they would only lead to more doubt, more concerns and more unanswered questions and concerns. There even came a time where I felt I wished I never even knew I was positive. I wished I didn’t find out until I had full blown AIDS and it was too late. I felt all this even as i was doing all that I could to remain in care and be fully engaged in it. But “care” was not fully engaged in me…….”care” wasn’t engaged at all.

Thank God that nightmare is over and now when I have to go see my Dr. there are no tears, no sleepless nights before, no fear of being told that I now have AIDS and no fear of being told things that are completely wrong, no screw ups with my cart, no nursing case manager reading someone else’s chart to me and telling me it is mine, no having to have a U.N. headset to communicate with nurse and no Dr. shaking my hand with gloves on or not making eye contact with me. There is no guilt or feelings of shame for being homeless or poor and not able to pay and there is no shame in being HIV positive.

Anyone who says there are no barriers to care here in Los Angeles or any place in this country has their head up their ass and refuses to see things for what they are. Furthermore they have no damn business pretending to care for people with HIV or AIDS. This may sound a bit rude and even out of  line, but when you are in line to help someone you have no fucking right to tell them the way things are when you have no damn clue what that person is up against. You have no damn right to say how easy things are when you don’t walk in their shoes. There are plenty of barriers to care and simply because you can’t or refuse to see them from your high horse does not mean they are not there.

I’m no longer stressed about HIV and all that goes with it. I don’t worry about when I will start meds or if the meds will make me sick or have side affects. I have a Dr. I fully trust and each and every day I educate myself on HIV and together with my Dr. I will cross the each bridge when I get to it. The amazing thing is this, I now know that I will not have to cross that bridge alone or find my way over it because i have an awesome team in place and as a team I know everything will be ok.

The stress, guilt, hardships, stigma, shame and anger from being HIV positive came from the places that were supposed to help me deal with HIV.  I know I am not the only person who has had to deal with this and I know I wont be the last, but I will do all that I can to make sure less people have to deal with all the shit I had to deal with. Not because I didn’t care and that I wasn’t fully accepting my HIV status, not because of lack of education or the heavy load of stigma, but from the lack of compassion, care, dignity and respect from the very places poor people have to turn to for support.

Most people that are in the situation I was once in are not as strong as me, dont have the same level of faith that I have, do not have people like Brian, Tiana, who refused to give up on me, who saw the best in me when so many others only saw the homelessness. People like  Tina, Andy, Ryan, Moina, Eric, Willow, Patrick and Krystal who refused to let me sink, refused to let me end my life, refused to allow me to give up on myself. Most people dont have the awesome Dr. I have, the awesome clinic and care team in place that I now have.

I guess what I am saying is that many people only reach out once, some not at all because of all the shit they will need to deal with besides being HIV positive. Many times the stigma, guilt, shame, hurt and harm comes from the places that are supposed to help and those are barriers to care.

My life is not what I thought it would be at 41 years old. I dont not live where I thought I’d be living, I dont have the fancy things I thought I’d have at this point in my life, people I use to call friends I dont even call anymore. But even in all of this, even through the fire and through the storm, I am alright, my ship my be a bit battered and my soul is even wounded, but I am ok, my life is far better, my friends mean far more but most of all, through the adversities in my life, from going from the top all the way to the bottom, I’ve found peace, I’ve found my “nia” (purpose)

Right here is where I belong and I am finally back from no where, a place where a smile from me was so rare. I am back from a place that was dark that I nearly gave up the fight for my beautiful life, but from where I sit right now, the awesome people in my life right now, the amazing things I’ve been able to create and make happen for other people is humbling and for this I am so thankful.

I can truly say that I walked to the edge and was about to jump, but path was not complete and God said “not so fast. You have not done the task that I have given you to do.”

My life is in a far better place then I could have ever hoped for, the peace I feel is awesome and joy in my soul can never be taken away. Some people will never understand how I can say this at this point in my life and that is because they have yet to learn what their purpose in life truly is. Once you know it, then you will fully understand what I mean.

Victory is so sweet!!!

Chill Sunday

// August 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Me Time

Today was a pretty quiet day for me after I did my morning outreach of breakfast sandwiches, orange juice and water. Dodger and I were pretty beat since we got up extra early to do this outreach, plus I have not been feeling so well, so if really doesn’t take too much to wear me down right now.

After getting back home I went right back to bed and then got up later in the afternoon. I had an offer to go have dinner with my friends Tina and Andy, but I wasn’t feeling up to it, so I sent them a text message letting them know I would not be able to make it. This kind of sucked for me because whenever we hang out I always have a great time and Tina was going to cook some pork ribs.

It too a while for me to get started once I did get up and think about getting things in motion for me and Dodger. The first thing I needed to do was go to the store and get some cranberry juice and a few other things I needed. But most of all I wanted to take Dodger to get his nails trimmed. I have noticed that he has been placing his foot in his mouth after we come in from walking and I wanted to make sure his long nails were not giving him any trouble.

Last week I had lunch with a friend who gave me some cash to spend on myself and for me this was awesome, because I was in need of some pants and underwear. It has been a little over 6 months since I was able to buy a pair of pants or underwear for myself. In fact I only had one pair of pants. However the last two months I have been without, so the money was going to come in handy for me getting a pair of pants.

Little did I know that going to buy a pair of pants would end up in me getting two pairs because the person reads this blog and loves the work I do. So what was suppose to be one pair of 501’s ended up being two pairs for the price of one. This left just enough money for me to get an anal wash and nail trim for Dodger today. The added bonus was I also got to give him a bath there as well. It was so much better to wash him in a professional setting with professional products.

Once back home from walking Dodger and getting him all set I long nap and then spoke with my friend on the phone for a bit. It want long before my wrist and head began to hurt and the room started spinning and I was back in the bed sleeping. After another short nap and a quick walk with Dodger I spoke with another friend for a bit and then made a few youtube videos for my channel and did my Sunday catch up of watching the channels that I am subscribed to.

I could have taken the entire day to just sit in the apartment and do nothing and feel sorry for myself. I could have sat here and complained about not feeling well or find reasons why I could not go out and do the very little that I did today to help those in need. I could have done what so many people always say to me “Kengi just do it next week” or “Kengi just do it next month” but there may not be a tomorrow for someone who is truly in need. Someone who could truly use some help today.

I think I will eat the rest of my chicken noodle soup I made the other day, toast some bread and watch a bit of TV before I call it a night and get some much needed rest.

Inspired By My Peers

// August 7th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

There’s this gospel song that I really like to listen to called “Again” and the words are very simple

Again I call you and again you answer,

Again, I need you and again you’re there

Lord

Again, I reach out and again you hold me

You console me once more and again……..

About a week ago I was starting to get a bit discouraged and was really starting to hit a wall. I was approaching August and my drive to raise supplies for the Do Something and Life Kits wasn’t going so well. I had received nearly all the letter that I had mailed out asking for donations of tooth brushes, mouth wash, body wash and other items and all of them came back as “NO” I was also seeing that some people who said they would help were simply placing meaningless comments on my vlogs on my YOUTUBE Channel. It was looking like what I had set out to do was going to fail and I was not feeling happy about this at all.

However I did now my core group of supporters would come through, they always do without fail, but even with this help I would still fall far short of the goal to raise enough supplies to make 600 kits total. I knew my core group of supporter, which also happen to be my friends would do all they could to help me reach my goal and for this effort I am so happy and thankful.

I was watching to news and seeing reports of how homeless people are treated and also saw an article in the Los Angles Times about homeless people that were very disappointing to me. I’ve always had the mindset that helping people requires care and it always requires you to actually speak to and take into consideration what they person you are trying to help needs. There is simply no way of helping someone, when we refuse to speak directly with the person or persons who are trying to help. If my Nana was still alive, she would say “That’s like going fishing in the middle of street. All that will happen is you getting your silly ass run over. It would serve you right for being so damn dumb”

I started Do Something Saturday over three years ago after a access center in Venice refused to allow me to give my shower time to a woman and her kids. For those of you who dont know what an access center is, it is a place where homeless people are supposed to go to get help. But it was my experience that places like access centers are more trouble and heartache then they are any help. Do Something Saturday was started by trying to address the many problems I was having like clean clothes, new socks, food that wasn’t spoiled, respect and dignity, but I wasn’t trying to get this for myself, I wanted it for other homeless people. I guess what I am saying is that I’ve always spoken with and asked other homeless people what they needed and then did my best to try to get it for them.

Simply taking someone off the streets and placing them into housing does not and will not ever correct the out of control homeless situation here in our nation. There are many reason why a person becomes homeless and until we address each and every issue person by person, case by case and not by the cookie cutter, you must fit the mold way of doing things, then there will always be a massive problem with homelessness in this country. Pretty words on fancy paper or a flashy website wont work and neither will beating people with scripture and thus says the Lord will work either.

It is my opinion that no one really wants to do the hard work…..well I’ll take that back, there a few people and places willing to do the hard work to actually make steps towards ending homelessness for the people of this nation.  Case managers who look down upon people and do not, will not and can not grasp basic human compassion will only fail. Furthermore just because someone was once an addict or once homeless does not give them the green light to being a case manager or in charge of anyone other then themselves.

Many people have called what I do as being a “case manager” or “peer support” you can give it whatever fancy title you want, but all it really is, all it really requires is CARE, COMPASSION and a HEART. This isn’t some new approach to doing things, it is simply CARING or to make it plain like my Nana would if she were alive “It’s called giving damn” Some people will never understand what CARING means because they can’t stop to think about anything other then themselves. We live in a world of “get all you can, can all you get and then sit on the pot and poison the rest” CARE has been replaced with “what will I get out of this?” Many people talk about caring and loving humanity, but they truly have no concept of what caring and love truly means or what they truly require.

In every outreach I plan, no matter how large or how small, I always speak directly to the person or people I am trying to help. I need to know that they need, what they require from me and from them I require nothing. Everything I plan I ask myself “how will this help?”

So I was discouraged and I asked God for some inspiration and encouragement. I was very specific in my request saying “I need this now God, not later….right now.”

The next day after coming in from a walk with Dodger I opened the mail box and there was an envelope inside and when I opened it there was $10 from one of my friends from YOUTUBE, she sent the money to help buy water for my outreaches to homeless people. I smiled and said “Thank you” Two days later I got a paypal donation from another friend to help with the supplies for the Do Something and Life Kits and again I said “Thank you” less then 3 hours later I got another donation through paypal and this one made me fall to my knees and not just say “Thank you” but to really give praise and honor to a God will still answers prayers, who always shows up right on time.

Wednesday I woke up, made some coffee and starting working on a letter for my quilting project that I’ve started for people with HIV and AIDS here in the United States, I got a call from my friend KoKo (Rene) who is now working in the head offices for the company where my Skid Row outreach takes place. I am so happy she is now working there, I am sure she will do an outstanding job. I guess I should back track and say that when she told me she got the job there, she too was part of my answered prayer, but God wans’t done just yet.

While speaking with her there was a knock at my door, when I answered it was the postman with a large box. I knew it was from my friend Jen, another person from YOUTUBE who wanted to help. She sent a box of clothes. “Kengi it isn’t much, but I want to help…..” is what she said in the email to me a week prior, but when I say how big the box was and then opened the box to find that many of the items were brand new, with tags still on them and the used clothes were in such great condition, again I had to say “Thank You.”

“When do you think you will be back down on Skid Row, I’d like to see what you do?” KoKo asked me

“Well now that I have this donation I will schedule something for this week. How bout Friday at 1:00pm?”

She told me she needed to check with her boss and would let me know. When we hung up I emailed the case managerand asked for the sizes of the women in her building. If they couldn’t wear the clothes, then I would take them to Common Ground in Santa Monica which is the only comprehensive HIV care facility on the west side, which also has clients who happen to be homeless.

I received an email back right away and the clothes would go to my Skid Row outreach. I was very happy about this, because when I get clothes for women they have been smaller sizes and I’ve only been able to help one lady in the building.  Now to be able to help the other women was awesome.

I had a very close encounter at the front door of the building which reminded me of how very important it is to always be aware of my surroundings, not to carry money on me and to take off my ipod when I walk toward the building. It also reminded me not to look like someone who is going to allow BS from someone. The past few times I’ve been to the building there is no one of the office so I have to call for one of the residents to come open the door. This time there was someone in the office, but was very slow to open it which could have been bad for me because the person who had passed me on the street walking toward the building was now walking behind me. When I buzzed I sat the bag down near the door and turned towards him. He asked me for 25 cents to catch the bus, I told him I had no money on me, but he was not about to take this for an answer.

“What’s in the bags then my nigga?”

I looked him dead in the eye and said firmly “None of your business. I said I don’t have 25 cents to give you now I suggest you move on” The entire time I was buzzing the ringer and finally was buzzed in. I didn’t bend down to pick up the bags of clothes until the gentleman had started walking away.

“Thank you” is what I said when I walking up the stairs and I heard “you’re welcome” from the lady in the office. I laughed to myself because I was not saying this to her, but to God for placing a hedge of protection around me. Something I had prayed for prior to leaving my apartment in Hollywood.

While I wasn’t able to give the clothes to the women, I was however able to meet my friend KoKo and I then had the honor of going to the head offices of the corporation and right away I was impressed. I was later blown completely of out the water by the staff I had the chance to speak with, but what clearly stood out for me was the conversation I had with the Executive Director. His passion and great CARE for what he does was very apparent to me. He was interested in the programs I bring and wanted to hear what I have to say.

I had the chance to talk with my friend and hear and read some of the awesome things this corporation is doing for people who are homeless and even people battling HIV and AIDS, How CARE and COMPASSION is at the front of what they do and even as I know there is much work to be done, I was so encouraged to know that the leader of this corporation was nothing like any other leader on Skid Row. I can honestly say without a doubt that this man truly cares about the work he does and wants the people who work with him to have the same care.

When I got home and was relaxing on the sofa. I called my friend Donald from the building on Skid Row to see how his day was, he had to attend a funeral of a friend of his an I wanted to make sure he made it home ok. After speaking with Donald I got a call from another resident who said “I just want to thank you for all that you do for us. We really appreciate all that you do.”

When I hung up the phone I again said “Thank you” and before I knew it tears were falling down my face and I was crying. I was thinking about what I had asked from God and he supplied that and so much more. I was so encouraged by what I had just saw, read and encountered that I had no choice but to break down and cry.

I know first hand what it is like to have friends and even family walk away, I know what it is like to have people attack my character and say things that are not true, I know what it is like to eat from trash cans and have to fight for my things. I know what it is like to be called “stupid” or be told that my “Thinking is backwards” and later have my housing blocked by someone who is a “director” at at another large homeless agency on Skid Row. I will never forget how he treated me like I was less then the gum he stepped on when he entered his high rise office  with pictures of him shaking hands with fancy people and sitting across from me acting like he was some how better then me because I was homeless and HIV positive. “Your thoughts don’t matter” is what he said to me. People think I cried because he defeated me or that he had broke me and I sure he felt like “I fixed his wagon” but the tears were for people who would walk out and give up on life ultimately becoming the people we see pushing shopping carts, talking to the make believe person that no one else can see but them. He words were hateful and filled with hatred toward people like me, but he sits in the position over people he cant even stand.

I cried because God has just showed me that his angels sit in higher places and do far greater things for humanity. I cried because my day was spent being encouraged to keep doing the work that I have been given to do and I could rest in knowing that the place where my friend now works is filled with people who truly care, not only that it is lead by a man who truly cares for homeless people and people battling HIV and AIDS someone who knows people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect at all times, no matter who they are or where the live.

People often ask where I get my energy, my passion, my drive, my inspiration?. They also ask how can you find the desire to help, when you are still going through so much? The answer is always the same. “It comes from God, he always sends someone or something and he has never failed me and he never will. There are times when I will be down, but not out, shattered, but not broken, wounded, but in time I will heal and there will be times I will have to struggle, but I will find my way through.”

THANK YOU for inspiring me, for encouraging me and for the awesome work you do for broke down people like me.

Again I call you and again you answer

Again I need you and again you’re there

Again I reach out and again you hold me

Yon console me once more and again

73 Thousand Each Night

// August 1st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog, but I hurt my wrist from not sitting at the correct level at the computer and then for the past 5 days my Sickle Cell has really been bothering me.

As many of you know August is the month that I have picked to do my large Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV outreaches. The goal was to have enough supplies to make at least 600 Do Something and Life Kits for people who are homeless and for people battling HIV and AIDS here in Los Angeles.

This is a very huge undertaking for me and I knew from the time I started that I may not reach my goal, but I was still willing to do all I could to at least try. I started by asking all my friends and supporters if they would help out, I also mail over 100 letters to hotels and large companies. In addition I also made a few videos on my YOUTUBE channel and yes, I even blogged it as well.

Like always, right away I had an overwhelming amount of people make comments on my video saying they would help, but just like I knew would happen, more the 95% of the people who made comments were simply making comments. They never stepped forward to help. However there were those who kept their would and I was able to supplies for this outreach. I have received 92 of the 100 requests for support back and all of them said “We are unable to help at this time.” Many of the reasons given were, “we support the united way, blue cross” and other organizations.

However with the help of my friends and loyal supporters I have been able to get enough supplies to make at least 50 kits, now this is far short of the goal of 600, but today is only August 1, 2010 and I still have the rest of this month to raise more supplies for the outreach. While I don’t like to fail at anything I set out to do, it is clear that I may have a accept a small defeat this time around.

People have asked me why I care so much and why I spend so much time trying to do whatever I can to help people and the answer is always very simple to me, but to be very honest I never get why people ask me this in the first place, just like I never get why people tell me to get some rest or you can’t help everyone. Well I could help more if people like this would be of their word and follow through. I do it because it is the right thing to do and I was once and in many ways still very much am, one of those people who are in need of help.

It is estimated that there are about 73 thousand people who are homeless here in Los Angeles County each night. I was once one of those people and had it not been for people like Tina and Andy, who started reading my blog and then began to care, people like Ryan and Monia, who also found me through my blog, Eric and Willow who I met through Ryan and Moina and Krystal and Patrick who I met through a former friend and for some pretty cool people who read my blog and watch my YOUTUBE videos I have been able to do what so many said I could never do. What some said would not last simply because I was homeless, or they had made up in their mind that was not worth damn, has now lasted more then 3 years and is getting stronger with each outreach.

These people believed in me and what I am doing when others simply laughed tried to get me to stop doing it. Theyshow up, help out and support my efforts each and every time I ask and for this I am so happy and thankful. Through them many of their friends and families have also started helping when they can and the end result has been awesome.

People always asked me where I get my energy, drive and motivation to keep moving forward with my work, especially when they realize that I am not paid for what I do. Again the answer is very simple, I was once on the streets, I know what it is like to wear the same socks for weeks at a time, I know what it is like not to have a place to take a shower, get a decent meal or even have a kind word. I try very hard to take the hardships in my own life and try to create something awesome out of it.

More the 90% of the people in my life are a huge inspiration, motivation and give me the energy and courage to do what I do. This combined with the awesome “home training” I was raised with and my unshakable FAITH, makes what I do so much fun. However it is hard work and there have been many tears along the way, but in the end it has all been well worth it. The other 10% comes from people who simply talk, say what they will do and then do nothing, more then anything else these people remind of places that I turned to for help when I was on the streets, they never came through, but motivated me to all I could to make things happen for myself and others.

So it’s August 1, 2010 and for the rest of the month I will work as hard as I can to get enough supplies to make 600 Do Something and Life Kits to GIVE to people who are homeless and to people battling HIV and AIDS here in Los Angeles. My Nana use to always say “If I can’t do it, then Skippy is a damn liar”

I have to say that my biggest motivation is what I see by simply looking out my window, riding the bus or walking. You can’t live here in Los Angeles and not see a homeless people. I can either ignore them or act like there is nothing I can do to try to help, I can even make up plenty of excuses as to why I should not help, but the bottom line is that by doing this I am part of the problem and I would much rather be part of the solution.

In close I would be remiss if I do not mention another motivation and huge inspiration that comes from every day people who email me, text me or call me and say, “I have some awesome clothes to donate” or “I want to buy some gift cards” People who think with their hearts not wanting anything in return.