Project Kengikat

Ambassador of Hope

// September 27th, 2010 // No Comments » // HIV and AIDS

It’s after 6:00pm on Monday September 27, 2010 and the temp is well above 80 degrees, in fact the entire day has been a day of record heat here in the Southland. Before noon today it was already over 100 degrees.  This made for a very hot, frustrating and uncomfortable day.

Although it was hot, there was still much to celebrate and be excited about for my outreaches as I am preparing to make a Dab the AIDS Bear presentation to my former case manager at AIDS Project Los Angeles. In 2009 Dab Garner asked if I would be an Ambassador of Hope for his organization. Dab Garner is one of the first Americans diagnosed with what was once called GRID (HIV), he was told that he would not live to see his next birthday. But his will to survive and thanks now to life saving HIV meds, Dab is till here and his organization stands as a living tribute to him and his legacy. I am both proud and honored to be a representative of his organization.

Tiana is my former case manager from AIDS Project Los Angeles, she is someone that I will never forget, someone I will always be so thankful too and grateful that God placed her in my life. She was unlike any case manager I have ever met and unlike any case manager I have had since. First she is kind, caring and compassionate, something that most case managers are void of. She is the most knowledgeable  as well as intelligent case manager I have had the pleasure of meeting. Her goal was to help me get through all that I was dealing with and every step of the way, she and I worked on things together, as a team. Whene I said “NO” to things she suggested, she never once made me feel like I was making a bad choice or allow anything like ego to be involved.

I will never forget one of the darkest days I came to see her, I was crying, really messed up, lost……so damn lost. To be very honest I was really starting to self destruct, but Tiana would not allow this to happen. It was the first time in over a year of homelessness, months of being HIV positive that I felt anyone besides myself truly gave a rats ass about me. I was scared, feeling so lost, out of control and she was the only person I had to turn to. Most case managers would have walked away, refused to help me, but I didn’t have just any case manager, I had Tiana and when the rain in my life was so damn solid that all I could see was grey, she saw the colors for me, she saw the light at the end of the tunnel, when all I could see was a black hole, she believed in me when I lost hope.  She told me not to give up, she told me to be strong…she saw the best in me and refused to allow me not to see it as well…..even though the darkness in my life was so deep.

I cried so much during those days of my life, but whenever I spoke with Tiana or whenever I saw her, she had this way of getting me to feel like things would get better and I could not allow life to take away the joy that God gave only to me. When friends or at least that was what they said they were, walked away she told me to “keep it pushin” When friends said “oh you can stay here or I know a place you can stay and then simply flake out leaving me with an empty promise, she was right there to encourage me and again say “keep it pushin”

I trusted her completely and to this day I still do. Although she is no longer my case manager, I know that she played a very prominent role in getting me through being homeless and being HIV positive. For me and I know for so many others, she represents HOPE even as I type this I simply cant help but cry because like the song says “you dont know, like I know.”

When friends walked and doctors, missions, shelters all failed, Tiana was right there to help me move forward. When churches and so called Christians condemned me to hell for being gay and an even deeper part of hell for having HIV, she reminded me that I am still a child of God.  When road blocks came up, she didn’t tell me “deal with it Kengi” or “your thinking is stupid and backwards”  like others did. In my darkest hour, when my Ma passed, it was Tiana who encouraged me, hugged me, I still have the card she gave me. She was the only person who thought my Do Something Saturday was worth working hard for. She was the only person who worked to restore my dignity and my pride in myself.

No one who has never been homeless can ever understand what being homeless strips away from a person and each homeless person deals with this in many different ways. Add to this cancer, Sickle Cell and HIV and the odds that people will make it through without any scars and the odds are pretty grim. I tried very hard not to be angry, but there were many times when I was very angry. I tried very hard not to allow depression to set in, but there is no way to live through all that I have and depression not begin to take shape. However with my FAITH, strong will and Tiana even when I was shattered I never became broken.

I will never forget the day she told me about this apartment, how hard she worked to make it happen and when I got the keys I can still hear her voice on the line being the same awesome woman and case manager as when I met her. “Keep it Pushin” is a video on my YOUTUBE Channel and is my motto.

So when people ask me why I work so hard doing my outreaches through Do Something Saturday and Unpluggin’ HIV, why I am out and up late trying to help people who are in need, I cant help but respond with “because it is how I was raised, it is the right thing to do.” I often think of how Tiana went the distance and then some for me. She is one of the many reasons why I refuse to give up on people and she is a huge inspiration to me……..every day.

Today the tears are far less, the struggle is a bit better, the 29 months of homelessness is now almost two years behind me and HIV is no longer I stress out about. My life is in a much different place then it was when I first met Tiana, my smile is in place way more then it was back then, so it  will be a great honor to present her with a Dab the AIDS Bear which will make her an Ambassador of Hope.

Time for Tea

// September 22nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Homeless Outreach

Wednesday 22, 2010 (10:19pm)

I’ve been back in the gym, so this morning I got a later start then I normally. Most times I am up when the alarm sounds at 5:30AM…..I hit the snooze button a few times which means I am up by 6:30AM. However today I slept right through the alarm which meant I wasn’t up until 9:00AM.

Today was a day that I had planned to clean my place, wash clothes, do some reading, letter writing and time with Dodger. I also needed to make a call to one of the residents down on Skid Row to let him know that I have a phone for him. I simply need to charge the phone, get a new SIM card and it’s ready to go. I was happy to hear that he would not be able to meet with me until Friday because cleaning my apartment is easy, but laundry can be a real chore and I tend to avoid it until the very last minute. I knew this would be a few hours of my day. I say a few hours because I live in a building with families with lots of kids and there are only three washers.

I guess since I started talking about the cell phones, this would be a great place to talk about my “Keep-n-Touch” outreach that I started back in 2007 when I was homeless. The program was introduced as an idea to help me get cell phones to homeless people. After not being able to get a message about a job interview from an well know access center in Santa Monica until three weeks after the the call came, I knew how very important it was to have my own cell phone.  My friend Natalie stepped in and helped me buy purchasing a cell phone as well as paying the bill for me.

Since the creation of this program I’ve been able to simply give pre-paid cell phones to homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV and AIDS.  To be able to offer someone something that many of us take for granted is a really awesome feeling. Giving someone the opportunity to be in charge of something as minor as making phone calls to schedule medical appointments, calls to family members or even make calls for employment, again my seem very insignificant to most.

Last week I got a call from a friend……someone I met way back in 7th grade, she now works in the HIV and AIDS area. She reached out asking if I would be able to help one of her clients with a cell phone. I said yes, because I knew I was expecting a cell phone from a supporter. With the help of my friends I was able to purchase a new phone for her client as well as supply this person with a Life Kit (hygiene) It was awesome to be able to do this for her client.

Tuesday I went to my PO Box as I always do, but this time I had a box from my friend and supporter Kai. We had already chatted about the items he was sending, but I was not expecting them until later in the week. Kai sent two cell phone in great condition that will be used for my outreaches. Already one of the cell phones is set to go to someone on Skid Row who is battling HIV.

It’s people like my friend Kai who help me remain very successful in helping homeless people, low income families and people battling HIV or AIDS. If I had more friends and supporters like Kai, I would be able to do so much more for the people I serve. If the world had more people like Kai, people who do more then just comment on blogs and vlogs, sit in fancy offices pretending to care for or help homeless people, if there were more people in the world like Kai then grass roots organizations like mine would be able to help people in need so much more without red tape.

Today I had the chance to meet someone that I may not have otherwise been able to if someone had not bad mouthed me and my outreaches to her co-workers. Furthermore one of the people listening to what was being said did not take it upon herself to find out for herself, then I know I would not have never met this person. Not only meet her, but have the chance to her a story of victory through homelessness, which led to an awesome huge bag from Wal-Mart filled with hygiene items for my outreaches.

It is awesome what you can do when you simply make your mind up to do it. It is amazing what can take place when you refuse to go along with the crowd, when you are willing to think outside the box, when you are willing to stand up against people, places and things that are simply wrong. It is simply awesome of what can take place, what can bring positive change when you are willing DO SOMETHING instead of sitting back waiting for someone else to do it.

Tonight I enjoyed a simple dinner, time with sleepy Dodger, The Middle, Modern Family and two chapters of book I am reading with a cup of hot tea.

I am proud of the work I do, I am proud of the people I serve, I am proud of the people who help me do what I do. I am proud to know that there are people on this earth who simply want to help people.

Being Thankful

// September 20th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

As you guys know I moved into this apartment over a year ago, wow, it will be two years in just a bit. I was homeless for 29 months, I was on all waiting lists for housing all over the City and County of Los Angeles. The first list I was on was an apartment building in Santa Monica right by the Santa Monica Pier. However the apartment that came through was the one where I currently live here in Hollywood.

The very same week I started the paperwork for my current apartment I also received a letter from the building in Santa Monica asking me if I was still interested. Since I had no idea I would get my current place I said yes. Well now here it is almost two years later and I got a call asking me to come in for an interview for the building in Santa Monica.

Right away I was so happy, so many thoughts of being able to live in the very place where I was born and raised, a place that has been the home of my family for over 80 years. I would be close to the very spot where I started my Do Something Saturday outreach, just steps from Chess Park where many of my Do Something Saturday outreaches take place. I thought of how cool it would be to live back in Santa Monica, close to my friends who are also my core group of supporters, they all live on the Westside. To be able to walk Dodger along the beach would be so awesome too. Common Ground is in Santa Monica and it is one of the places where I donate things through my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach. I sent out text messages to those I love and we all were so excited with the possibility of my living in Santa Monica.

Today all of this came to an end when I found out that I am not allowed to move into another city, not only that I can not apply for the same program in another city either. So in order for me to have qualified for the place in Santa Monica, I would have had to remained homeless this entire time and in doing so, still would not mean I would get the apartment in Santa Monica.

Had I not taken this apartment I may not have had the chance to do all that I have done so far for the people I serve. Now I am not saying that my outreaches would not be as successful as they are now, but being homeless would make things a bit harder. I would not have the awesome doctor and medical staff I now have. I would still be so stressed and worried about HIV. I would not have had the chance to go to DC for AIDSWatch. I would not have had the chance to meet so many amazing people that I know now, because I would still be waiting for housing.

Then there is Dodger, he would not be in my life and having him in my life has been so awesome. You have no idea of just how much this little dog has ushered in so much joy, so many laughs, and so much peace. Dodger has become like my child, I think about him when I am not with him and if I am out with friends I am mindful of how ling I have been gone. “I have to get home to take Dodger out” is what my friends here me say many times. When he looks at me I cant help but smile and even when he does things that I would prefer he not, I cant help but love him and I know that my life is so much richer to have a little dog like him in it. My friends tell me I spoil him and I know I do, just like I was a spoiled child, my Dodger is spoiled just like I was.

Most of all I would not have the peace that I now have in my life. Being homeless takes so much more then just clothes, cars, jobs and friends. It strips your dignity, your pride in self, your self respect, it strips things that many times a home will never be able to replace. People seem to have this thought in their head that getting homeless people a place to live is the end all be all, but I can tell you from experience that it is not the end all be all. Many times things get far worse for someone who has been homeless and are now have to adjust to living inside four walls, with neighbors, people still treating them like they are “screw ups” or that choices they made in their life can never be forgiven and forgotten.

My prayer to God was that I would never get lost in my mind, that I would never know what it is like to not be in control of my thoughts. My prayer to God was “take from me what you will, but please let me keep my mind and my joy”

My prayer is still pretty much “God please let me keep my mind and joy” When I look back on the way my life use to be before homelessness, when I think about what I once had and what I now have, I can see where God kept his word by restoring my life with people, places and things that are far better then what I once had, when I think of all the fancy things I once had and I now sit here and look at how God has increased my territory with so much more, how he has allowed me to walk through doors that man would slam in my face, my soul is so thankful.

With this apartment my organization has been able to grow, my cell phone outreach has now passed out over 1000 cell phones since the outreach was created in 2007. This month I was able to pass out 375 Do Something and Life Kits, my peer support program is really taking off, I’ve started a book club for people with HIV, my “Panels the Living Quilt Project” now has 11 people in 5 states making panels, my Kick Start meals outreach has been able to feed people at least twice a month with the support of two very amazing people, 125 people have been tested for HIV because of Kengi’s get Tested program, my youtube channel has over 1000 subscribers with about 100 loyal listeners, my youtube channel and blog has helped me to provide, clothes, gift cards and hygiene items to homeless people and those living with HIV or AIDS.

There is a song that says “there is a blessing in the storm” and when I look back over the last five years of my life, there have been plenty of blessings in my storm. Another song that says “you don’t know, like I know, what the Lord has done for me”

As a homeless person all people see is homelessness, this is what you must become….homeless, worthless, scum and all the things that most people think of when they see a homeless people. But God saw in me what he created, he saw the best in me and made it his purpose to send people into my life to make certain I would not forget that I am a child of the most high King. I might have to stop to do a little dance right now…..HEEEEEEEY!!!!!

I am so thankful for the path and the journey of my life, I love and appreciate the man I am growing into and I am so thankful for my life and where it is.

Sometimes we must take a step back and think about BEING THANKFUL for all the awesome things in our life and spend far less time looking over the fence at the grass that appears to be more green, spend far less time thinking about what could have been and more time BEING THANKFUL for what is.

Would it be nice to live in Santa Monica again? YES, It would also be nice to have a million bucks, but just like the apartment in Santa Monica, a million bucks is a “want” and not a “need” God supplied my “need” with this apartment and I am thankful for this.

Week In Review

// September 19th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Cooking, Health and Fitness, Me Time

This week I took some much needed time out for me. More then 90% of my week was spent on what I like to call “ME TIME”

There was some time spent on making certain I keep up with things for my outreaches as well with a peer support outreach that included a large size Life Kit and a brand new cell phone from T-Mobile. This was thanks to a phone call requesting support from my friend Michelle. With the help of friends and supporters I was able to put together two large Life Kits, purchase a cell phone and even place 400 minutes on the phone. AWESOME.

In addition I was able to take some awesome clothes to Common Ground in Santa Monica. It has been a while since I have been able to get things to over to Common Ground, but thanks in huge part to my friend Natalie, was also helped with the peer support outreach, I was able to get the clothes to Common Ground in Santa Monica.

I took a trip to the Grammy Museum and The Farm of Beverly Hills at LA LIVE with my friend Natlie. I am a huge museum goer, but when I think of the Grammy’s,  museum is the last thing that comes to mind. Just like I thought, it was simply ok and not something I ever want to do again. We were there for a couple of hours and that was really far longer then it should have been.

After the boring Grammy Museum we walked around LA LIVE for a bit and then we ate at The Farm of Beverly Hills. I have never even heard of this place and I can honestly say I will never go back. The food was over priced and below average. The waiter was sexy and very nice, so that was nice.

I’ve  been back in the gym, it was an effort, but I did get there three days last week. AWESOME!!!! I’ve also been spending more time walking Dodger on longer walks which allows him to meet other dogs and get me some much needed exercise. There is a cool park that Dodger seems to like really well and he has some little friends that he is now pretty much use to.

I had to cancel my book club meeting last Sunday, but I have finished the book and am off to reading another book. It was so cool to re-read the Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris and this time have an entirely different understanding and appreciation for the book. I guess one would call this growth or life experience would probably be a better way to describe it.

Saturday I spent some time over at the ceramic studio and this time I wasn’t there very long like I normally am. There was all this guff about things being broken or not getting fired and the facilitator quit. I was told that things are much better, not that I thought anything was really wrong, but when I went on Saturday not one of my items had been fired. Some have been waiting for final firing for over 5 months now. I have other things that I have created, so I hoping that they all will be done by the end of the year, but I wont count on it. My things are not as nice as other people, so they tend to not get the same attention or respect as others. This is just my opinion. Plus after a few nasty messages from a certain member I no longer feel like this is a cool, safe or supportive. Which is really too bad because I have really come to enjoy creating things there. But it is what it is. I will always have fond memories of the studio and I have enjoyed my time there.

The highlight of my week was a phone call I received from am apartment in Santa Monica. This was the first waiting list I was placed on well over two years ago, so to get the call that I am now being interviewed for an apartment there is so awesome to me.  As you know, I was born and raised in Santa Monica, this is also the place where I created my Do Something Saturday outreach for homeless people. Santa Monica holds so many memories for me and it has been my families home for over 80 years. The chance to move back to Santa Monica would be so sweet.

I am spending my Sunday with Dodger and my friend who is in town from the Bay Area. We have no real plans other then to just enjoy our Sunday and take Dodger out for long walks. I will also spend some time working on my panel for the quilt project I’ve started.

In all it has been a great week for me where I’ve been able to spend time with friends, some much needed ME TIME, spend time working on getting exercise and even getting rid of things from my diet such as sodas, juices filled with sugar and processed food. On top of this being able to help some people was simply awesome.

Wednesday

// September 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, Health and Fitness, Me Time

WEDNESDAY

So far this week has been all about me. I decided that I needed to take some time out just to focus in on myself. I spend so much time doing for others that before I know if all my energy has been zapped out of me by showing up, being present and listening to the people I try my very best to serve. After the three day Treatment Education Training I did last week and spending so much needed time to laugh at myself, more then 90% of this week has all been about me.

There have been so long walks with Dodger which have been so much fun for the both of us and much needed exercise for me. Before leaving for AIDSWatch in DC back in April I lost almost 60 pounds and since I’ve been back I have put 50 of it back on. So the extra time I am spending walking Dodger is awesome for me.

There is a park about two miles from home where Dodger seems to do much better with the other dogs, this is not a dog park, he doesn’t like those very much. The people are also very friendly as well and the other day  was able to speak with two people who just started watching my YOUTUBE channel. They really enjoyed the PENIS video I did. In fact when they walked up to me they said “We wont whip out our penis cause we know you dont like when people do this.” I will say that at first I was taken back a bit, but then I caught the joke.

I also been doing lots of reading. I finished the book for my book club and I am well into another book I decided to read. I’ve made some time to hang out with friends and even talk with a long lost cousin who found me on FACEBOOK. One of the coolest things is that I also spoke with someone that I have known since I was in 5th grade. We talked on the phone for over two hours and her sister even got into the call as well. It was so cool to just sit and laugh, talk and catch up on how things have been going for each other. Over the weekend I also had time to talk with my friend Travis and like always there was plenty of laughs and one amazing conversation.

The coolest thing I’ve been able to do this week is getting back into the gym. I will say that this time around has been rather hard for a very small reason which I am dealing with. Before I would simply walk right across the street to the YMCA, but since getting hurt there, having major problems with the staff and my membership in general I have since joined another gym that is about 8 blocks from home. It was simple when all I had to do was look out my window and see the sign for the YMCA and then go. So now I have to find a new motivation for getting my big butt back to the gym daily. As i type this blog I am eating my dinner and will leave for the gym at 9:00PM.

HOWEVER, what has been the high point of my day and my week was the fact that I had the chance to send off two of my ceramic pieces to some pretty awesome people whom I admire, love and respect so much. I was sad to see them go, but very happy to know that they  will be in homes where people will really appreciate them.

WOW, this is a pretty short blog entry. I guess this leaves me some time to read the new blog of my friend Christina. Check for the link off to the right under MYFAVBlog.

Going Through Changes…..LAUGHING At Myself

// September 14th, 2010 // No Comments » // Animals, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Me Time

There are times when I just want to be in another place, a place where no one knows my name and I don’t help people. A place where people don’t wear masks and play all sorts of games. A place where love is all that really matters. But then reality sets in and I simply smile and say “ok”

Last week I had the opportunity to take a three day AIDS Treatment Training through AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA) It was pretty intense and I am so glad that I am in the place I am in now, because I was able to be “present” with no distractions. I guess for those who are new to reading my blog or even new to knowing me, I should qualify what I just said.

I was homeless when I diagnosed HIV positive and that alone was distraction enough, but on top of this I was also battling cancer and my never ending battle with Sickle Cell. Add to this all the hardships of simply being homeless and all the crap you must put up with if you intend to make it through homelessness with most of your marbles.

I am happy to say that after 29 months of homelessness I made it through pretty damn good and with more then most of my marbles. More importantly I made it through with two awesome outreach projects I created while homeless, some pretty amazing friends who truly care for me and some awesome mentors who saw the best in me, even when I didn’t always see it in myself. I can be very hard to see all the colors when you’re out in the pouring rain. Everything seems dark and grey.

At this point in my life there are few distractions and the ones that are there I am able to face them head on without fear or hesitation. If I learned anything through 29 months of homelessness is the fact that I am strong beyond measure and my will to survive may become shattered, but it will not ever be broken and that my EGO can be a damn good thing sometimes. When I was homeless it was my huge EGO that refused to allow me to believe all the crap that was being fed to me.

The tree day training was filled with new information and resources that if put into practice will greatly benefit and serve people who are battling HIV and AIDS as well as those who are affected by HIV and AIDS. To make it as plain as I can, it will serve humanity equally.

The presenters were awesome, experts in their fields from all over, there to give us the tools we all needed to fully understand HIV and AIDS. For me it was the single most valuable three days I have ever spent learning about HIV and AIDS. It also gave me new tools to help me fight HIV as well as be of service to the people I try so hard to serve.

I had the chance to speak with people from the Bay Area as well as other parts of the State and learn more about the services they provide and how they go about doing it. I even had the opportunity to connect with someone who works in the Skid Row area of Downtown Los Angeles. From all of this I am hoping that she and I will be able to find ways to better serve the men and women of Skid Row, who in my opinion are at the lowest end of the totem pole, the part that is berried in dart, the part where any cut in any program can mean life or death, the part that never sees the light of day, the part we all tend to forget and in some cases look down upon and even ignore. I often think many of us, including myself at times, tend to forget that there are lives in that dirt that deserve, require and need help. When I say help I mean just that, not judgement, guilt, shame,  religion and stigma, but real honest and true help.

In all of this the single most powerful part for me was the very last person who spoke. For me she was able to wrap all three days up in a sexy box and give it to me. She made it real, she put it in my face, laid it all out of the table and dished it up. She was funny and on point, patient yet mindful of the time and just when I thought she couldn’t get any better she then talked about burning out.

After we came back from the short break and she began to speak again right away there was something very familiar with what she was saying. Something was ringing true to my soul and what is now my purpose in life. As she continued to speak something inside of me began to move around and before I knew it I was smiling and laughing, not like before when she was being funny, but in complete agreement with what she was saying. It was in that moment when I said to myself  ”Oh my God, this is 90/365 Loving Me.” She was speaking about knowing the signs of when you are becoming burnt out, about getting some friends in your life, leaving work at work, taking time out for you.

However there was something she said toward the end that I didn’t get until yesterday (September 13) and that is when she said we have to learn to laugh at ourselves. Even after we have been played.

For the past two months I’ve been doing peer support like I never have before. At the request of some people I was sitting in on case mangers meetings, taking on issues that should be taken on by the person who created them, listening and being present for people who were only “playing me” in the end. I was making phone calls, running around like a chicken with their damn head cut off and in the end it was all in vain. “I am going to do this my way and I don’t need you helping me.”

When I heard the silence on the other end of the line and after looking at my phone to see that call had ended I sat on my sofa and started laughing. Dodger (my dog) got really happy because I think he knew that this meant we were going for a walk. He ran to the other end of the room and grabbed a few of his toys and began to shake them like crazy and even bark at them. I continued laughing.

In that moment I knew that I need to take a break and get some perspective on things. I knew that if i was going to keep doing the work I’ve created, if I was going to hang onto the sheer joy of helping people wanting nothing in return, if i wasn’t going to be like so many others who simply go through the motions, I was going to have to make some changes and those changes could not wait until next week.

I started this blog with my thoughts of wanting to escape and be in a place where no one knew who I was, well I have done just that. This week I am taking a STAYcation. While people know who I am and my phone does ring, the emails come in and all of that, this week is all about me and no one else. Today I slept late, went for a long walk with Dodger, went to the store to get a few things to start eating healthy and I made myself a gym schedule. I put air in the tires on my bike and I went for a bike ride.

Tomorrow the only plans I have are to take care of some things I must take care of for me and then I am going to take some pictures. I might even have a picnic all by myself.  This week and maybe even the next is going to be all about me. I guess you can say that I am no longer waiting for anyone to replenish all that I give away, I am not waiting for anyone to notice or love me. I am doing it myself and no one can do this better then me.

What Is Success

// September 6th, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I’ve been getting lots of videos and messages sent to me regarding “success” I’ve also had some conversations with people and have watched videos from people on YOUTUBE speaking about success. In every encounter “success” was tied to money or things that are related to money. You know like clothes, shoes, cars bling, bling, and things of this nature.

After listening and hearing all of this I thought I would ask people what success is, what it looks like, how we measure what success is. Even in doing this I ran into people who seem to have a very different outlook on what success is and who can be considered successful then my outlook on what success.

However when I started to ask people who are of the same mindset as myself, the answers began to sound very much like mine. I started hearing things like character, integrity, truth, peace and love. The answers that began to come from people on my YOUTUBE channel even began to change as well.

It seems we’ve been sold this fairytale as to what success is, where it comes from and what it looks like and a great many of us have believed it and will continue to believe it without question. We’ve been told that success means a fancy office, a house, a nice car, big bank accounts, 401k’s and vacations. We’ve been told that success is all the things that can be taken away as soon as we fall from grace, so to speak. We’ve been told that in order to feel and be successful people must clap for us, pat us on our backs and say nice things about us. Success is the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with the Labrador or Golden Retriever.

However when we really stop to take even a small glance, none of what we view as success has anything to do with us. It has everything to do with others and things we can collect. At the end of the day, when it is all said and done all we really have is a lot of stuff that don’t mount to anything other then stuff.

Before people had any clue  that I was homeless, I asked if homeless people could be considered a super hero or successful and every answer I received was “no”, but more then this the answers were filled with such hatred and disregard for homeless people. This wasn’t because homeless people are bad people, but they don’t have any “stuff” that appears to be of any use to anyone else and our views of people who are homeless is one of “failure” or “worthless” but our view of people who drive BMW’s is “successful”

I can only speak for me, when I speak of success and it has a great deal to do with how I was raised. My folks never played the game, they never went along with the crowd, they demanded I think for myself, so at a very early age my view of success was something very different then most people I knew.

Going through 29 months of homelessness would make most people feel as unaccomplished, unfulfilled, and unsuccessful as ever. it will also make them feel very much like a failure with many family and so called friends reinforcing this  by turning their backs on them and treating them like outcasts. Furthermore the very places you must turn to for help also play key roles in drilling the “you’re a failure” motto and mind set into homeless people.

This is where I really struggled, because my success, my fulfillment, my accomplishments and all else were not tied people, places or things, they did not come from people places or things, so when all the fancy things that people view as success or successful we no longer there, I was still very much successful. I could still be a super hero in my eyes.

We are so busy keeping up with what others think and how others define us, that we’ve spent no time on how we view ourselves. We are so busy trying to please other people and love other people, that we do not know how to please or love ourselves. So busy looking for others to promote, succeed, accomplish and promote us, that we spend no time doing this for ourselves.

When all this comes to an end, when people are no longer doing what they use to for us, when all the fancy has started to fade or is all gone, when they gym body is now fat and out of shape, when the BMW is now 10 years old with lots of body damage and the picket fence has weeds growing around it and is no longer white, when that house is no longer the gem you thought it was, and that significant other has moved on to someone else, when that job no longer see’s you as the super hero and that name on the door is now a name on a badge what will you do? Where will you turn?

Success comes from YOU and the rest is just a bunch of stuff. So when people or life take your stuff away, your success is in tact along with your integrity and strength of character.

When To Start Meds?

// September 2nd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

There is so much information about HIV and AIDS and much of it is wrong, much of it comes from people who believe HIV and AIDS was created by the government for one reason or another and then there are those who dont believe that HIV and AIDS exist at all.

Combined with all the bad information you have the good, but many times even this can be very confusing and even cause a person to doubt. Doctors don’t agree, researchers don’t agree and in all of this are the people who have HIV or AIDS. People like me who have to figure it all out.

I was homeless when I was diagnosed in April of 2008, so for me right out the gate of being told i was HIV positive it was an uphill battle. I had so much more that i was already dealing with, but with all that I was already up against I refused to be yet another Black man on some statistic list who had died from AIDS. However in order for me to avoid this, I was going to have learn all I could about my HIV diagnoses.

Right away I knew I was not going to be able to do this alone and right away I knew I would not rely on what was told to me from the place where I was diagnosed because I already had trust issues with my care and how I was treated by every single person I encountered the 11 days I was at the hospital. I will say there was one person who seemed to care and this was the head doctor at the HIV clinic, however even this was not enough to get me to trust my care and overall well being  So much had already happened and could not be undone.

It took a while before I was teamed up with a great case manager and treatment educator over at AIDS Project Los Angeles, but even this was not enough for me. Google became my best friend, when I wasn’t looking for housing or trying to get things in order for myself as far as medical care was concerned I was online trying to as much information as I could on HIV. I started going to HIV updates and understanding your labs presentations, I asked questions of my case manager, treatment educator and of my doctor.

The more I searched the more I learned the more educated I became and along the way I was able to meet some pretty amazing people who to this day are the very places I turn to for advice, guidance and support. My unwillingness to be ignorant about HIV has led me to where I am now and even with all the information and education that i have been able to gain, there is still so much more I need to know, need to learn and need to soak in and I will continue to do this, because I refuse to allow HIV lead to death and then lead to my death.

The hardest thing for me when I was diagnosed was not stigma or accepting the fact that I was HIV positive. However it was a lack of education and by this I mean education on HIV. The only person who could change that was me. It didn’t matter if I had the leading educators and doctors in the world backed with the latest and best information at my finger tips, if i was not willing to accept it, it would mean nothing.

I didn’t understand how I could be sick, but not taking any meds to help me fight. Each time I asked questions it was met with “Mr. Carr you are ok and right now you dont need to worry.” To me this was bullshit and I needed to move away from anyone who was giving me this information. I needed to fully understand why I was diagnosed with HIV but was not treating the HIV.

Today I have a great doctor, a great clinic with an awesome support team at this clinic. I also still have access to my frist case manager from APLA as well as the Treatment Educator, I still have access to the most amazing nurse I have ever met and yes, GOOGLE is still my best friend. Currently I am still not on HIV meds and I fully understand why.

The other day I watched a video from someone who is newly diagnosed who says their viral load is over 100,000 with a cd4 count of a little more then 500 but what raised the red flags and sounded off so many alarms was the fact that this person said his doctor stated that he would not be starting meds until he T-Cells (cd4) fell to 300.

Right away I knew this person had no clue about their HIV diagnoses and had no clue as what the standards of care are here in the United States. Furthermore he hasn’t fully taken the initiative to educate.

The standard of care  state that the recommended treatment guidelines are as follows

500 and below it is recommended that you start HIV meds

500 and above with a viral load of 100,000 of more. It is recommmended that you start HIV meds

So if your medical professional is telling you that you should wait until your T-cell (cd4) drop below the recommended treatment guidelines then you really need to ask some question as to why they are not following the recommended treatment guideline.

Moreover you should always ask questions and make you are fully engaged in your medical care. You need to make certain that you are doing all you can to stay up to date with the latest treatment guidelines. With things like GOOGLE it makes no earthy sense for anyone not to be fully educated about HIV and AIDS.

The bottom line is this, people who are HIV positive need to be doing all they can to educate themselves about the diagnoses they have. To ignore it and half step around it, simply demonstrates the lack of respect and love you have for youself.

Stay the Course

// September 1st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Animals, Cooking, HIV and AIDS, Health and Fitness, Homeless Outreach, Me Time

I’ve been doing “peer support” and “case management” for quite a while now through my outreaches and for the most part it has been very rewarding work to see the people I am helping move forward, but there are times when it can be very frustrating because the person I may be working with is their own problem and not HIV or homelessness.

For example I’ve been working with this guy who says he is having a difficult time understanding all the many things he is dealing with, but after spending three days with him and sitting in on one of his sessions, I must say that more the 80% of the problems he is experiencing is a direct result of him not following through or not asking questions.

If I have learned anything from being homeless, HIV positive and having to rely on government funded programs is that I must stay on top of everything. I must be my own advocate. Sitting back and waiting for someone else to care or someone else to do something is just plain silly. Furthermore I have learned to remind social workers, case managers and even doctors of what they said they would take care of. More then 90% of the time they had not done what they needed to do in order to move me forward. I can only point to one case manager where I did not have to check behind her to see if she had done what she said she would. This was my case manager at APLA.

It seems that so many people who are HIV positive use their diagnoses as an excuse for everything in their life. It is my opinion that  to some degree support groups and ASO’s play key roles in allowing people to make excuses instead of encouraging them to deal with the real issues that were there long before their HIV or AIDS diagnoses. It is my opinion that a person with HIV or AIDS is better served when they are encouraged to live a normal life without hiding in the HIV or AIDS closet as well as fully deal with the problems and issues they have unrelated to their diagnoses. I have this opinion because I have been on the inside looking out and the outside looking in.

Working with this person was still very rewarding, please dont get me wrong and even though it is  huge challenge to work with him, I will continue to do so because it is the right thing to do and to be very honest, I know from my own experience how very frustrating, depressing, degrading, humiliating and down right nasty many places can be when it comes to helping homeless people and people with HIV or AIDS.

I think it is very important for me to say that not all people who work with homeless people or people battling HIV and AIDS do piss poor jobs, there are some people who do amazing jobs and serve their clients well. I know several of them, but from experience they are the exception to the rule and they are also far and few in between.

After the tree days of working with this person, I was very drained, some might say I was exhausted and in the end the person has still decided to go down the “whoa is me” road. Which is fine and is his choice, but this person can not say that he did not have options or that someone did not only tell him of the options, but made arrangements for him to sit face to face and explore the other options. This person now has no one to blame for the “whoa is me” road but self.

As I have stated before I will continue to support this person as best I can and offer any advice I may have. I will even refer and make phones to try to help, but the bottom choice must come from them. No matter how much cheer leading I do, no matter how many hours I or anyone else spends with this person, ultimately the work must be done by this person and the desire to change and live a long and healthy life starts with them.

After those three days I was really looking forward to going to ceramics on Saturday. As I have stated before ceramics became my safe harbor back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed. However I have not been in a while because there has been some drama taking place there, but I was really wanting to go take some time out for me and just create something. I am not sure what it was, but there was some tension there and I was not able to dig into my creative side to create anything. It’s funny how other people and the energy they bring can change the entire atmosphere of a place you really love.

KENGI’s BOOK CLUB

I asked three of the guys from my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach if they would like to be part of my book club and they all said yes. We decided to read Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris which happens to be my favorite writers. He passed away not long ago and he will be missed a great deal. Myself and two of the guys had already read the book, but were willing to read it again. The third guy had never read the but and we knew if would be an awesome book for him to start with. Plus we all wanted to read the book again.

The guys came over to my apartment on Sunday, I cooked dinner and we laughed and enjoyed a nice long evening of great food and great conversation. I am so happy that I picked these three guys to do the book club with because they are all intelligent,  respectful, trust worthy and my friends. Another cool thing is that we all in very different points in our lives and even in our diagnoses, but we all are very much fully engaged in our overall health and well being.

Suddenly the stress of my week had passed, the tension from ceramics no longer dogged me and I found myself in the company of three beautiful Black men sharing an amazing experience of reading, friendship, food and laughter. In that moment my heart began to smile because the stress was replaced with laughter and friendship and in that very moment understood why it is so important to keep doing what I am doing. I that moment I thought how cool it would be to one day be able to see the person I had just spent three days with in this book club with us. In that very moment I saw what is possible when you put people first, when I do not allow myself to place people into molds, I saw what is possible when we simply show up for people without excuse.

Dodger and I walked the guys to the train and along the way of the the guys said “I’ve always wanted a group of guys I could hang out with and have fun with. I hope this doesn’t end.”

I smiled because after the evening with them I was thinking the very same thing.

(The pictures in this blog are from my book club)