After listening and hearing all of this I thought I would ask people what success is, what it looks like, how we measure what success is. Even in doing this I ran into people who seem to have a very different outlook on what success is and who can be considered successful then my outlook on what success.

However when I started to ask people who are of the same mindset as myself, the answers began to sound very much like mine. I started hearing things like character, integrity, truth, peace and love. The answers that began to come from people on my YOUTUBE channel even began to change as well.

It seems we’ve been sold this fairytale as to what success is, where it comes from and what it looks like and a great many of us have believed it and will continue to believe it without question. We’ve been told that success means a fancy office, a house, a nice car, big bank accounts, 401k’s and vacations. We’ve been told that success is all the things that can be taken away as soon as we fall from grace, so to speak. We’ve been told that in order to feel and be successful people must clap for us, pat us on our backs and say nice things about us. Success is the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with the Labrador or Golden Retriever.

However when we really stop to take even a small glance, none of what we view as success has anything to do with us. It has everything to do with others and things we can collect. At the end of the day, when it is all said and done all we really have is a lot of stuff that don’t mount to anything other then stuff.

Before people had any clue  that I was homeless, I asked if homeless people could be considered a super hero or successful and every answer I received was “no”, but more then this the answers were filled with such hatred and disregard for homeless people. This wasn’t because homeless people are bad people, but they don’t have any “stuff” that appears to be of any use to anyone else and our views of people who are homeless is one of “failure” or “worthless” but our view of people who drive BMW’s is “successful”

I can only speak for me, when I speak of success and it has a great deal to do with how I was raised. My folks never played the game, they never went along with the crowd, they demanded I think for myself, so at a very early age my view of success was something very different then most people I knew.

Going through 29 months of homelessness would make most people feel as unaccomplished, unfulfilled, and unsuccessful as ever. it will also make them feel very much like a failure with many family and so called friends reinforcing this  by turning their backs on them and treating them like outcasts. Furthermore the very places you must turn to for help also play key roles in drilling the “you’re a failure” motto and mind set into homeless people.

This is where I really struggled, because my success, my fulfillment, my accomplishments and all else were not tied people, places or things, they did not come from people places or things, so when all the fancy things that people view as success or successful we no longer there, I was still very much successful. I could still be a super hero in my eyes.

We are so busy keeping up with what others think and how others define us, that we’ve spent no time on how we view ourselves. We are so busy trying to please other people and love other people, that we do not know how to please or love ourselves. So busy looking for others to promote, succeed, accomplish and promote us, that we spend no time doing this for ourselves.

When all this comes to an end, when people are no longer doing what they use to for us, when all the fancy has started to fade or is all gone, when they gym body is now fat and out of shape, when the BMW is now 10 years old with lots of body damage and the picket fence has weeds growing around it and is no longer white, when that house is no longer the gem you thought it was, and that significant other has moved on to someone else, when that job no longer see’s you as the super hero and that name on the door is now a name on a badge what will you do? Where will you turn?

Success comes from YOU and the rest is just a bunch of stuff. So when people or life take your stuff away, your success is in tact along with your integrity and strength of character.

Combined with all the bad information you have the good, but many times even this can be very confusing and even cause a person to doubt. Doctors don’t agree, researchers don’t agree and in all of this are the people who have HIV or AIDS. People like me who have to figure it all out.

I was homeless when I was diagnosed in April of 2008, so for me right out the gate of being told i was HIV positive it was an uphill battle. I had so much more that i was already dealing with, but with all that I was already up against I refused to be yet another Black man on some statistic list who had died from AIDS. However in order for me to avoid this, I was going to have learn all I could about my HIV diagnoses.

Right away I knew I was not going to be able to do this alone and right away I knew I would not rely on what was told to me from the place where I was diagnosed because I already had trust issues with my care and how I was treated by every single person I encountered the 11 days I was at the hospital. I will say there was one person who seemed to care and this was the head doctor at the HIV clinic, however even this was not enough to get me to trust my care and overall well being  So much had already happened and could not be undone.

It took a while before I was teamed up with a great case manager and treatment educator over at AIDS Project Los Angeles, but even this was not enough for me. Google became my best friend, when I wasn’t looking for housing or trying to get things in order for myself as far as medical care was concerned I was online trying to as much information as I could on HIV. I started going to HIV updates and understanding your labs presentations, I asked questions of my case manager, treatment educator and of my doctor.

The more I searched the more I learned the more educated I became and along the way I was able to meet some pretty amazing people who to this day are the very places I turn to for advice, guidance and support. My unwillingness to be ignorant about HIV has led me to where I am now and even with all the information and education that i have been able to gain, there is still so much more I need to know, need to learn and need to soak in and I will continue to do this, because I refuse to allow HIV lead to death and then lead to my death.

The hardest thing for me when I was diagnosed was not stigma or accepting the fact that I was HIV positive. However it was a lack of education and by this I mean education on HIV. The only person who could change that was me. It didn’t matter if I had the leading educators and doctors in the world backed with the latest and best information at my finger tips, if i was not willing to accept it, it would mean nothing.

I didn’t understand how I could be sick, but not taking any meds to help me fight. Each time I asked questions it was met with “Mr. Carr you are ok and right now you dont need to worry.” To me this was bullshit and I needed to move away from anyone who was giving me this information. I needed to fully understand why I was diagnosed with HIV but was not treating the HIV.

Today I have a great doctor, a great clinic with an awesome support team at this clinic. I also still have access to my frist case manager from APLA as well as the Treatment Educator, I still have access to the most amazing nurse I have ever met and yes, GOOGLE is still my best friend. Currently I am still not on HIV meds and I fully understand why.

The other day I watched a video from someone who is newly diagnosed who says their viral load is over 100,000 with a cd4 count of a little more then 500 but what raised the red flags and sounded off so many alarms was the fact that this person said his doctor stated that he would not be starting meds until he T-Cells (cd4) fell to 300.

Right away I knew this person had no clue about their HIV diagnoses and had no clue as what the standards of care are here in the United States. Furthermore he hasn’t fully taken the initiative to educate.

The standard of care  state that the recommended treatment guidelines are as follows

500 and below it is recommended that you start HIV meds

500 and above with a viral load of 100,000 of more. It is recommmended that you start HIV meds

So if your medical professional is telling you that you should wait until your T-cell (cd4) drop below the recommended treatment guidelines then you really need to ask some question as to why they are not following the recommended treatment guideline.

Moreover you should always ask questions and make you are fully engaged in your medical care. You need to make certain that you are doing all you can to stay up to date with the latest treatment guidelines. With things like GOOGLE it makes no earthy sense for anyone not to be fully educated about HIV and AIDS.

The bottom line is this, people who are HIV positive need to be doing all they can to educate themselves about the diagnoses they have. To ignore it and half step around it, simply demonstrates the lack of respect and love you have for youself.

For example I’ve been working with this guy who says he is having a difficult time understanding all the many things he is dealing with, but after spending three days with him and sitting in on one of his sessions, I must say that more the 80% of the problems he is experiencing is a direct result of him not following through or not asking questions.

If I have learned anything from being homeless, HIV positive and having to rely on government funded programs is that I must stay on top of everything. I must be my own advocate. Sitting back and waiting for someone else to care or someone else to do something is just plain silly. Furthermore I have learned to remind social workers, case managers and even doctors of what they said they would take care of. More then 90% of the time they had not done what they needed to do in order to move me forward. I can only point to one case manager where I did not have to check behind her to see if she had done what she said she would. This was my case manager at APLA.

It seems that so many people who are HIV positive use their diagnoses as an excuse for everything in their life. It is my opinion that  to some degree support groups and ASO’s play key roles in allowing people to make excuses instead of encouraging them to deal with the real issues that were there long before their HIV or AIDS diagnoses. It is my opinion that a person with HIV or AIDS is better served when they are encouraged to live a normal life without hiding in the HIV or AIDS closet as well as fully deal with the problems and issues they have unrelated to their diagnoses. I have this opinion because I have been on the inside looking out and the outside looking in.

Working with this person was still very rewarding, please dont get me wrong and even though it is  huge challenge to work with him, I will continue to do so because it is the right thing to do and to be very honest, I know from my own experience how very frustrating, depressing, degrading, humiliating and down right nasty many places can be when it comes to helping homeless people and people with HIV or AIDS.

I think it is very important for me to say that not all people who work with homeless people or people battling HIV and AIDS do piss poor jobs, there are some people who do amazing jobs and serve their clients well. I know several of them, but from experience they are the exception to the rule and they are also far and few in between.

After the tree days of working with this person, I was very drained, some might say I was exhausted and in the end the person has still decided to go down the “whoa is me” road. Which is fine and is his choice, but this person can not say that he did not have options or that someone did not only tell him of the options, but made arrangements for him to sit face to face and explore the other options. This person now has no one to blame for the “whoa is me” road but self.

As I have stated before I will continue to support this person as best I can and offer any advice I may have. I will even refer and make phones to try to help, but the bottom choice must come from them. No matter how much cheer leading I do, no matter how many hours I or anyone else spends with this person, ultimately the work must be done by this person and the desire to change and live a long and healthy life starts with them.

After those three days I was really looking forward to going to ceramics on Saturday. As I have stated before ceramics became my safe harbor back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed. However I have not been in a while because there has been some drama taking place there, but I was really wanting to go take some time out for me and just create something. I am not sure what it was, but there was some tension there and I was not able to dig into my creative side to create anything. It’s funny how other people and the energy they bring can change the entire atmosphere of a place you really love.

KENGI’s BOOK CLUB

I asked three of the guys from my Unpluggin’ HIV outreach if they would like to be part of my book club and they all said yes. We decided to read Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris which happens to be my favorite writers. He passed away not long ago and he will be missed a great deal. Myself and two of the guys had already read the book, but were willing to read it again. The third guy had never read the but and we knew if would be an awesome book for him to start with. Plus we all wanted to read the book again.

The guys came over to my apartment on Sunday, I cooked dinner and we laughed and enjoyed a nice long evening of great food and great conversation. I am so happy that I picked these three guys to do the book club with because they are all intelligent,  respectful, trust worthy and my friends. Another cool thing is that we all in very different points in our lives and even in our diagnoses, but we all are very much fully engaged in our overall health and well being.

Suddenly the stress of my week had passed, the tension from ceramics no longer dogged me and I found myself in the company of three beautiful Black men sharing an amazing experience of reading, friendship, food and laughter. In that moment my heart began to smile because the stress was replaced with laughter and friendship and in that very moment understood why it is so important to keep doing what I am doing. I that moment I thought how cool it would be to one day be able to see the person I had just spent three days with in this book club with us. In that very moment I saw what is possible when you put people first, when I do not allow myself to place people into molds, I saw what is possible when we simply show up for people without excuse.

Dodger and I walked the guys to the train and along the way of the the guys said “I’ve always wanted a group of guys I could hang out with and have fun with. I hope this doesn’t end.”

I smiled because after the evening with them I was thinking the very same thing.

(The pictures in this blog are from my book club)

If someone told me that I would be typing a blog such as this, or that I would be doing the work I’ve created and doing it for free, I would have said “not me” This is not to imply that I was once a selfish or uncaring person, but I cared far more for myself then anything else. It was all about me and anything else was second.

I will say that I’ve always had this desire to help people, this want to make things better and for as long as I can recall I’ve always wanted to some how, in some way make a difference. At a very early age I learned that money does not equal happy and it does not equal good. I learned at an early age that strength of character means far more and will carry me a whole hell of a lot further in life then a fat bank account or a fancy car could ever do. I learned that hard work and determination are required far more then having money. I’m glad I learned these lessons early in life, because without them I would have believed all the lies I was told about how I could not make a difference or that being homeless and now poor would prevent me from helping or doing anything that is worth anything.

What I have learned since creating my organization is that many people believe that unless I am a non-profit, work in a fancy building, wear a fancy suit, drive a fancy car that I am unable to help people. I’ve met people who say they will help with an outreach or with supplies for hygiene kits but in the end they are no different then the first group of people. In many way they are far worse and I must say that I have far less respect for. It least the first group says flat out “NO”  They dont comment on my blogs or vlogs about things they will do only to do nothing in the end. They say “NO” right up front, while the other simply lie.

What I have learned from corporations is that nothing comes before profit. I remember as a kid how you could write to a company and they would at least consider your request for help, but those days are long gone and have been replaced with companies setting up their own way of giving back that better suits and protects their bottom line. Many companies only use certain organizations and will not even consider others.  Such organization then become clearing houses and again will only deal with certain organizations. Now I am not pointing the finger and trying to say that this is all bad, I am sure there are great things that come from much of this new way of helping. All I am saying is that it is very limited and very selective or what I would call “inside the box” way of thinking and helping.

So the lessons I learned as a kid about hard work and determination play key roles in every single thing I do. Without these lessons I would have given up a very long time ago. Instead they have taught me to work harder and find new ways of helping people. What I have tried so hard to do since the start.

I really like how President Obama has sparked a new wave of getting people involved in helping each other, but I dont like how it limits how people like me can be involved. I dont like how the thinking behind it is still the old way of doing things, very much the “inside the box thinking” I dont like how it encourages people to go through large organizations as if to say individuals or small grass roots organizations can’t make a difference.

Anyone can make a difference, anyone can create positive CHANGE on this planet. You dont have to have lots of money, you dont have to have non-profit after your name, you dont need to go through so large organization plagued by red tape and bureaucracy. You can make a difference in small ways even large ways by doing it with a group of friends. All it takes is a desire to want to be part of something that is good, be willing to work hard, think outside the book and think about others before thinking of yourself.

As for me, I will not allow the “NO” from companies stop me from helping people and I will not allow the lip service from people who comment on my blogs and vlogs prevent me from doing all I can to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS.

In over three years I have met some awesome people who truly care about humanity, who are truly willing to roll up their sleeves and do the hard work required to make this nation great again and a better place for all of us. In over three years I have learned that bigger isn’t always better, larger doesn’t mean you can do more and having money and a non-profit status does not mean you are better suited to help anyone.

No matter what I type on this blog or what I say on my vlogs, someone is going to do their best to correct me so they can feel like they are right. Someone is always going to say or suggest that MY EXPERIENCE is another way. The funny thing is that even if I type it or vlog it the way they want, they will still find a reason to take issue. Now I could spend all day wondering why this is or just simply understand that people like this are unhappy and no matter what I say or do they will still be unhappy, even if I go along with what they want, so and do things the way they want, they will still be unhappy. The reason for this is because they are not happy with themselves, so they run around doing all they can trying to make other people feel just as bad as they do.

I refuse to debate with people like this, I refuse to engage them, because at the end of the day, they will always need to be right and will make everything in their life about being right.

There are plenty of draw backs and downsides to being as open as I am about being formerly homeless, for being so open about being gay and HIV positive here on my blog and vlog. There are times when I wish I could simply walk away or not move forward. There are times when I cry and times where I am very upset and angry.

I knew that by me standing up for anything there is always going to be people who will come for me. I know that people hate me for being Black, for being gay and for being HIV positive. I know people hate me and think less of me because I was once homeless. But even with knowing all of this I am still not willing to squash who I am or allow my voice to be silenced. I refuse to be made to feel like I am not worthy or that my thoughts, ideas and contributions are not just as valuable then anyone else’s.

Neither one of us slept very good last night because DEXTER was being filmed down the street from me, which meant there was plenty of noise all day long. Early Thursday morning they began to set up for the film shoot and right away my day started out rough. Like most people I really hate being woke up. Once up and mad I made some coffee only to realize that I did not have any cream. This meant leaving sooner to walk Dodger, so I could get my cream and not worry about him going in the apartment.

Like me Dodger was grumpy, as soon as we were out the front door to the building he began to bark at the people parking trucks and setting up for the film shoot. Since I was way more pissed then he was I didn’t tell him to stop and I gave him just enough slack on his leash to scare the crap out of them. This is when I was told that I could not walk him down the street where I live.

“Sir we are setting up and need for you to walk your dog some place else.” I was told

Now why in the world would this woman speak to me? Her and her fuckin crew just woke me up, it was 6:30AM and I was out of cream for my coffee. I simply looked at her like I did not hear a word she said.

“Sir!!! Did you hear what I just said?” raising her voice like she was agitated.

I turned around and looked at her, by this time she was right behind me and I said “Do you own this street? You only paid for there to be no parking on this street is that correct? So where in the fuck do you get off telling me I can’t walk my dog on the street where I live?”

Before I would allow her to answer, I reminded her that people live in the building where she and her crew had set up shop in the walkway, blocking the residents from exiting and entering the building. I then told her that I did not appreciate being rudely awaken by laughter and cigarette smoke, nor did I like her yelling at me like I was someone on her little staff.

“You dont own this street lady, so do not walk up behind me like your name is Mrs. Hollywood, furthermore stop making al this damn noise.”

Dodger was growling at  her the entire time and as I turned to walk away he barked a few times as if he was telling her “Now shut the hell up talking to us, trick.”

This morning was very different, there was no noise, no film project, no rude lady and I had cream for my coffee. When Iwalked outside there was no one to tell me that I could not walk Dodger on my street. In fact Dodger and I saw a few of his little friends and each of talked about how the filming of DEXTER was a complete pain the ass while our dogs played with each other.

After our visit with our friends and after of long walk, Dodger and I sat on the sofa while I read my book and Dodger attacked his new toy until he fell asleep. I was with him in that one. I read about three chapters and took a nap as well.

I was napping very well until my phone rang. It was my friend Natalie wanting to stop by and drop off the recycling she had in her trunk. She saves her plastic bottles for me and I am able to use this for pocket change. To be very honest this pocket changed has paid my gas bill for the past year, so it has been well worth the trouble to bag the plastic bottles up.

Dodger and I went out for another walk shortly after seeing Natalie and this time we were gone for about an hour. We also packed some cold water in my backpack to pass out to homeless people while we were out. Just like always we had the chance to speak to some pretty cool and interesting homeless people and as always we ran out of water before we knew it.

I wanted to get a head start of the work that I need to get done for my outreaches, but for some reason I really knew I needed to be away from my apartment to get this done. So I counted the change that I had in my change jar which was just enough to buy an iced tea and one refill at the local cafe not too far from my apartment.

As soon as I walked in the front door of the cafe, I heard someone call me name. Right away I saw a face I had not seen in such a long time and by long I mean since I graduated from Santa Monica High in 1987. I spent the afternoon sitting with someone I knew from high school and after our little visit I must say that this person is not someone I know now and is not anyone I would want to have in my life. It’s always funny to me how I run into people I knew when I was in high school and I walk away feeling like “wow, you are just like you were in high school………..childish”

I moved away over to the window of the cafe to try to get some work done. I was able to complete some things, but after a while I gave up and decided to blog. It’s a beautiful day here, the sun is shinning, warm, but not uncomfortable. My tea was nice and cold and I had a great time being out of the apartment.

I will say that I truly miss living in Santa Monica, there is just something so nice about living near the water. Something cool about being able to just walk down to the beach and sit near the water. Something so nice about being able to walk to internet cafe’s and libraries. Something very cool about the smell of the air. However today after sitting here at the spendy cafe I now know there is something nice about being able to walk just a few blocks away to see all the fancy people rush by in their fancy cars. Something nice about sipping ice tea while listening to people talk about how great their life is, but complain about their relationships or job, something nice about hearing people talk about things that sound like so much fun, but they sound so unhappy or unfulfilled.

There is something so nice about just being able to be happy, simply content with who I am and where my life is. Something so cool about having Dodger waiting for me to come home, something so cool about the little things in my life, something so cool about knowing that there is so much more to life then news, weather, sports and money.

I guess what I am saying is that there is something really cool about having peace, something really cool about living a life of purpose. Something very cool about knowing who you are, something very cool about completing yourself. There is just something very cool about being in love with all aspects of who you are and knowing that at the end of the day all the fancy shit dont matter.

So while I would love to be living in Santa Monica, I am happy with where I am now and I am not going to postpone being happy until…….. My “happy” is right now, it is every single day.

“We are just like Google and FACEBOOK, we only offer text based support” is what one rep said in an email to me. Funny thing is that I don’t pay Google or FACEBOOK one red cent, so why would she compare their service that I have to pay for to a free service was really beyond me. I guess this is the new age of doing business where the customer is the enemy and you avoid them at all cost. This experience reminded me that nothing replaces good old fashioned face to face contact. I say old fashioned because it would seem that in the age of doing everything online and  internet friends we have some how lost the importance of human contact in our daily lives. I also learned that online companies can offer the world and only deliver crap and if you are not careful they will get away with your money.

In the end, my website is back to the basic design, no flash in the pants and nothing fancy. Just a clean, clear basic approach to my work. I am learning what my parents told me a long time ago when they told me that “fancy doesn’t make it better. It just makes it nice to look at.” My website was created by someone who knows me and knows the work that I do. Not only this, he is a friend and has been very involved with the work I do. I guess what I am saying is that I have learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am very thankful and appreciative for what I have.

Ok, so having said all of this, let me move forward with the point of this blog. In addition to spending all this time working on my website I also worked on a letter asking companies for in kind donations for my Do Something and Life Kits. For those who do not know what the kits are, they are hygiene kits for people who are homeless or battling HIV or AIDS.

I looked at plenty of letters online and even called a few places to get copies of their letters. The result ended in my trying to make what I do more like other places. I used models that are not my own and end result was 100 returned letters saying “NO” But just like with the website I learned a very valuable lesson.

What I do is very unique and not like any other outreach or organization. My outlook is from experience and from actually living through what I am trying to help people with. It’s from talking directly to the people I try so hard to serve and really paying attention to their concerns. It comes from really caring about the work I do, putting people ahead of simply being a large organization that does very little to help people. The people who have supported my efforts without fail time and time again as just as unique because they put humanity before politics, love before conditions, respect before guilt and love before shame or guilt.

Today I am taking all this in, consider just how special and unique my organization, the outreaches, the people I serve and the people who help me do it truly are. As I consider and take all this I have found that the letters I sent out asking for help with the items for the Do Something and Life Kits were not reflective of the work I do. They made no compelling case for the work I do and offered no difference from all the other letters for requests I am sure all of these companies receive each and every day.

As I plan to write the request letter again, I am keeping in the front of my mind that “fancy does not mean anything otherthen fancy” It is more important for me, my heart and soul to be in every letter for support I send out. I must make a compelling case in order for any company to truly consider an in kind donation to my work. I must shine, I must stand out from the rest. I am not saying that this will automatically get companies to sit up, take notice and give, but it will send a clear message that we all need to do all we can to make a huge difference in this world.

I know many people reading this will say “you need to apply for non-profit status” but they have no idea what this involves or what it means. Furthermore this does not automatically qualify me for any funding whatsoever. All I truly need to do is what I have done for the over three years now and what I have created will continue to grow and make a huge difference for people in need. It will continue to educate, empower and inspire people to get involved with the process of CHANGE that is good for all HUMANITY and not just one community.

As I close this blog I am reminded of the woman who was slave in the house of the man who had leprosy and it was her, the slave, the lowest of the low who was able to take him to the person who could heal him. I am reminded that I don’t need to hold any high position, have a fancy title behind my name, sit at a fancy desk, eat meals with fancy people, hold elected office or seek permission or approval from anyone to make a difference. All I really need to do is believe and be willing to work as hard as I can to make it happen.

It’s funny the lessons we learn as kids come back in later years to help us move forward on our paths.

My week started with a trip to see my doctor to get lab results for my HIV as I stated in my blog, I wasn’t the least bit concerned about the outcome of the labs. The first reason was because I knew I was still fine and the second reason is because even if I was told I needed to start HIV meds, I know I now have a great doctor and awesome support staff there at the clinic that will get me through it. I know that with my faith and will combined with them, things will be just fine.

The only thing that was on my radar is the fact that there is a history of heart disease as well as other things in my families history and I need to make sure I am doing all I can to make certain I don’t go down the same road. While it was good to talk with my doctor about this and she was able to offer some expert advice and direction, the ultimate outcome is all in my hands. I have to eat right, make sure I am getting plenty of rest and I need to exercise. Bottom line is this, my doctor can give me all the information, advice and support there is, but if I dont start changing how I view food as well as spend more time exercising then the road that I want to avoid I will surely go down and I will have no one to blame for this but myself.

I also had the cool chance to spend some time with one of the guys from my Skid Row outreach and get to know him better as well as give him some information on how to go about correcting and dealing with some of the things he now has in front of him as it pertains to ADAP and Medi-Cal. Thanks to the support of my Keep-n-Touch program I was able to purchase a phone for him that will allow him to stay better connected to the things he needs to stay on top of. Not having a way to contact people, be in control of things you need to take care of and always having to depend on others to get messages or make phone calls can be very discouraging and even depressing for someone who is doing all they can to make things better for themselves. My Keep-n-Touch program allows me to supply a free prepaid cell phone to those in need. It may not seem like much to many people, but I know from experience that having a cell phone is a real connection and allows you to stay in control of some things in your life, while others are in charge of so much more.

Quality Products

One major set back this week came in the form of my video camera breaking on me. I’ve had some problems with the camera for a while now. Slowly but surely the camera has been in what I have called “shut down” mode and Wednesday afternoon the camera finally shut all the way down. JVC has been no help with this other then offering tech support that I must pay by the hour for or by shipping the camera to them and allowing them to repair it for far more then the camera is even worth. However they did say that if I ship them the camera and they find that the problem is something that is defective, they would cover most of it, but since the camera is past the one year warranty I would have to pay for some of the cost to fix it. So how this does not seem right, the camera could be defective, but I would still have to pay.

Whatever happened to the day when the customer was KING? Where companies made quality products that lasted forever? What happened to the days when you could by something and it would be around for many, many years? I recall things in my grand parents and even my great grand parents home that had been in their lives forever. How is that companies are allowed to make lousy products, that cost so much, but you get far less then what you paid for them?

BE OF YOUR WORD

Another thing I have noticed is that I am pulling away from certain people from YOUTUBE because they have volunteered or offered things and time and time again they never come through. Furthermore they act as if they have never volunteered or offered. For me this speaks to their character and the person they truly are. I am not saying they are bad people, just that they are people whose word no longer means a thing to me. Once I get to the place where your word no longer means anything, it isn’t long before I start to pull away. As I type this I am thinking about a call I received this week from someone who I had to step away from last year, she wanted to call to offer her apology and wanted to see if things could be different. She also tried to engage me in conversation, but I was not about to go back down a dead end road. I thanked her for calling and told her it was water under the bridge and not to worry about it. I then told her I hoped she was well and said goodbye. It is impossible for me to maintain any sort of relationship with someone who does not keep their word.

Hygiene Supplies

Wednesday shortly after coming home I had a knock on my door, when I opened it the UPS guy was there with a box. The box came from someone on YOUTUBE, who wanted to help me with hygiene supplies for my outreach. Inside the box were items such as toothpaste, deodorant and razors along with a very nice card. Let me tell you a little bit about this person, first she is a teenager and all we ever seem to hear, see or read in the news about teenagers is all bad. But here is one who reached out to me a while back after viewing one of my cooking videos where my family and I were doing an outreach to Chess Park at Santa Monica Beach. She wanted to help me with my outreach, she wanted to help me help those who are in need. A teenager stepping to the front of line and saying “I want to help” and not just that, but making sure she was allowed to help by staying on top of me and reaching out several times to remind me that she was willing to help.

This young lady saved her allowance and purchased items that will be used to help people who are homeless or battling HIV and AIDS. This young woman suited up and showed up, without excuse for people who are in need. She didn’t place empty comments on my blog or vlog, but she gave me her word and she followed through and this speaks volumes to the mother she has and the values instilled in her. It speaks volumes of the type of teenager she is and the amazing woman she will become.

Peer Support

So last month I was able to go with Donald as he made his purchase of his laptop. He saved his money and asked me to o with him to make assist him in selecting a new laptop. Since then I’ve had the huge honor of helping him learn his computer and once again today I have the huge honor of helping him once again.

Donald is someone I met through my HIV outreach on Skid Row and right away there was just something about him that stood out. He has become someone I consider as a friend, someone I care a great deal for, but more then this he has become someone I truly admire, respect and look up to. He is a massive inspiration to me and is someone who is beating the odds against HIV. He is someone you will never read about on some CDC report and is someone you may never see in some magazine, but for me he is the cream of the crop. He is kind, caring and damn funny. I look forward to visiting with him because it is always so much fun, but most of all I look forward to the pearls of wisdom he drops in my life each and every time I see or speak with him. Wisdom that you can’t get from a book, on a job or from any school, but the kind of wisdom that you must stop dead in your tracks to soak in, wisdom that can’t come from rushing things or by pretending, but the kind of wisdom that you must sit and allow to settle into your soul. Wisdom that comes from someone who has lived a rich life filled with great joy and even some sorrow that the soul is so ready to give to all who welcome it.

As a kid growing up I had the huge privilege of having what I called “elders” in my life. I use to want to go visit them and just sit and listen to their amazing stories from their rich lives and each time I would walk away with wisdom and a great feeling of encouragement. I had great respect and a greater reverence for the “elders” in my life and in many ways  Donald has become an “elder” in my life. I can count on one had, three fingers in fact, the “elders” I now have in my life and they are my great Aunt Loraine, my Aunt Emma and Donald. I am so richly blessed and honored to have them in my life.

I will spend my Thursday afternoon doing what some call “peer support” with my friend Donald, but in reality I will spend my Thursday afternoon in the company of my “elder” soaking in all the wisdom he allows to flow from his soul.

I’ve heard many people in the HIV arena say “there are no barriers to care here in Los Angeles” and each time I have heard this it has come from a someone who is white and has no clue what it means to live on the street or even struggle just a little bit. I am not playing the race card or making this about race, I am just calling it what it is. I’ve not once heard anyone other then a white person say such bullshit.

I was diagnosed with HIV in Carson/Torracne at Harbor UCLA Medical Center, this is a county facility, I was homeless at the time. The hospital discharged me to Bell Shelter way out in the city of Bell. Nearly three hours away by bus. I was then expected to come back to the HIV clinic for my HIV care. They knew I was homeless and they knew I had no transportation, so how was I to get there? Not once did they offer other options for my care that would better suit my situation, not once did they ask if this would be a problem for me getting to appointments. I know you are saying, “well you should have asked” The answer for you is that I did ask, I did raise concerns, I did ask for other options and non were given.

There was a time I just knew I would be dead soon from HIV leading to AIDS, not only could I not get to appointments I had no clue of just how sick I was. I had no idea why I wasn’t on meds and everywhere I turned there seemed to be more of the same “just be patient” How can you be patient when you’re told you have HIV and you now have to try to get to a clinic that is miles away. Furthermore I still had this huge staff infection on my lower back and could barely walk.

I dreaded Dr’s appointments because they would only lead to more doubt, more concerns and more unanswered questions and concerns. There even came a time where I felt I wished I never even knew I was positive. I wished I didn’t find out until I had full blown AIDS and it was too late. I felt all this even as i was doing all that I could to remain in care and be fully engaged in it. But “care” was not fully engaged in me…….”care” wasn’t engaged at all.

Thank God that nightmare is over and now when I have to go see my Dr. there are no tears, no sleepless nights before, no fear of being told that I now have AIDS and no fear of being told things that are completely wrong, no screw ups with my cart, no nursing case manager reading someone else’s chart to me and telling me it is mine, no having to have a U.N. headset to communicate with nurse and no Dr. shaking my hand with gloves on or not making eye contact with me. There is no guilt or feelings of shame for being homeless or poor and not able to pay and there is no shame in being HIV positive.

Anyone who says there are no barriers to care here in Los Angeles or any place in this country has their head up their ass and refuses to see things for what they are. Furthermore they have no damn business pretending to care for people with HIV or AIDS. This may sound a bit rude and even out of  line, but when you are in line to help someone you have no fucking right to tell them the way things are when you have no damn clue what that person is up against. You have no damn right to say how easy things are when you don’t walk in their shoes. There are plenty of barriers to care and simply because you can’t or refuse to see them from your high horse does not mean they are not there.

I’m no longer stressed about HIV and all that goes with it. I don’t worry about when I will start meds or if the meds will make me sick or have side affects. I have a Dr. I fully trust and each and every day I educate myself on HIV and together with my Dr. I will cross the each bridge when I get to it. The amazing thing is this, I now know that I will not have to cross that bridge alone or find my way over it because i have an awesome team in place and as a team I know everything will be ok.

The stress, guilt, hardships, stigma, shame and anger from being HIV positive came from the places that were supposed to help me deal with HIV.  I know I am not the only person who has had to deal with this and I know I wont be the last, but I will do all that I can to make sure less people have to deal with all the shit I had to deal with. Not because I didn’t care and that I wasn’t fully accepting my HIV status, not because of lack of education or the heavy load of stigma, but from the lack of compassion, care, dignity and respect from the very places poor people have to turn to for support.

Most people that are in the situation I was once in are not as strong as me, dont have the same level of faith that I have, do not have people like Brian, Tiana, who refused to give up on me, who saw the best in me when so many others only saw the homelessness. People like  Tina, Andy, Ryan, Moina, Eric, Willow, Patrick and Krystal who refused to let me sink, refused to let me end my life, refused to allow me to give up on myself. Most people dont have the awesome Dr. I have, the awesome clinic and care team in place that I now have.

I guess what I am saying is that many people only reach out once, some not at all because of all the shit they will need to deal with besides being HIV positive. Many times the stigma, guilt, shame, hurt and harm comes from the places that are supposed to help and those are barriers to care.

My life is not what I thought it would be at 41 years old. I dont not live where I thought I’d be living, I dont have the fancy things I thought I’d have at this point in my life, people I use to call friends I dont even call anymore. But even in all of this, even through the fire and through the storm, I am alright, my ship my be a bit battered and my soul is even wounded, but I am ok, my life is far better, my friends mean far more but most of all, through the adversities in my life, from going from the top all the way to the bottom, I’ve found peace, I’ve found my “nia” (purpose)

Right here is where I belong and I am finally back from no where, a place where a smile from me was so rare. I am back from a place that was dark that I nearly gave up the fight for my beautiful life, but from where I sit right now, the awesome people in my life right now, the amazing things I’ve been able to create and make happen for other people is humbling and for this I am so thankful.

I can truly say that I walked to the edge and was about to jump, but path was not complete and God said “not so fast. You have not done the task that I have given you to do.”

My life is in a far better place then I could have ever hoped for, the peace I feel is awesome and joy in my soul can never be taken away. Some people will never understand how I can say this at this point in my life and that is because they have yet to learn what their purpose in life truly is. Once you know it, then you will fully understand what I mean.

Victory is so sweet!!!

After getting back home I went right back to bed and then got up later in the afternoon. I had an offer to go have dinner with my friends Tina and Andy, but I wasn’t feeling up to it, so I sent them a text message letting them know I would not be able to make it. This kind of sucked for me because whenever we hang out I always have a great time and Tina was going to cook some pork ribs.

It too a while for me to get started once I did get up and think about getting things in motion for me and Dodger. The first thing I needed to do was go to the store and get some cranberry juice and a few other things I needed. But most of all I wanted to take Dodger to get his nails trimmed. I have noticed that he has been placing his foot in his mouth after we come in from walking and I wanted to make sure his long nails were not giving him any trouble.

Last week I had lunch with a friend who gave me some cash to spend on myself and for me this was awesome, because I was in need of some pants and underwear. It has been a little over 6 months since I was able to buy a pair of pants or underwear for myself. In fact I only had one pair of pants. However the last two months I have been without, so the money was going to come in handy for me getting a pair of pants.

Little did I know that going to buy a pair of pants would end up in me getting two pairs because the person reads this blog and loves the work I do. So what was suppose to be one pair of 501’s ended up being two pairs for the price of one. This left just enough money for me to get an anal wash and nail trim for Dodger today. The added bonus was I also got to give him a bath there as well. It was so much better to wash him in a professional setting with professional products.

Once back home from walking Dodger and getting him all set I long nap and then spoke with my friend on the phone for a bit. It want long before my wrist and head began to hurt and the room started spinning and I was back in the bed sleeping. After another short nap and a quick walk with Dodger I spoke with another friend for a bit and then made a few youtube videos for my channel and did my Sunday catch up of watching the channels that I am subscribed to.

I could have taken the entire day to just sit in the apartment and do nothing and feel sorry for myself. I could have sat here and complained about not feeling well or find reasons why I could not go out and do the very little that I did today to help those in need. I could have done what so many people always say to me “Kengi just do it next week” or “Kengi just do it next month” but there may not be a tomorrow for someone who is truly in need. Someone who could truly use some help today.

I think I will eat the rest of my chicken noodle soup I made the other day, toast some bread and watch a bit of TV before I call it a night and get some much needed rest.